Thereneveryetwaswomanmade，Norshall，buttobecursed。[Repeatingandwalkingabout。]
That’shard!
MRS。FAIN。YouareveryfondofSirJohnSucklingto—day，Millamant，andthepoets。
MILLA。He？Ay，andfilthyverses。SoIam。
FOIB。SirWilfulliscoming，madam。ShallIsendMr。Mirabellaway？
MILLA。Ay，ifyouplease，Foible，sendhimaway，orsendhimhither，justasyouwill，dearFoible。IthinkI’llseehim。ShallI？Ay，letthewretchcome。
Thyrsis，ayouthoftheinspiredtrain。[Repeating]
DearFainall，entertainSirWilfull：—thouhastphilosophytoundergoafool；thouartmarriedandhastpatience。Iwouldconferwithmyownthoughts。
MRS。FAIN。Iamobligedtoyouthatyouwouldmakemeyourproxyinthisaffair，butIhavebusinessofmyown。
SCENEIII。
[Tothem]SIRWILFULL。
MRS。FAIN。OSirWilfull，youarecomeatthecriticalinstant。
There’syourmistressuptotheearsinloveandcontemplation；
pursueyourpoint，nowornever。
SIRWIL。Yes，myauntwillhaveitso。Iwouldgladlyhavebeenencouragedwithabottleortwo，becauseI’msomewhatwaryatfirst，beforeIamacquainted。[ThiswhileMILLAMANTwalksaboutrepeatingtoherself。]ButIhope，afteratime，Ishallbreakmymind——thatis，uponfurtheracquaintance。——Soforthepresent，cousin，I’lltakemyleave。Ifsobeyou’llbesokindtomakemyexcuse，I’llreturntomycompany—
MRS。FAIN。Oh，fie，SirWilfull!What，youmustnotbedaunted。
SIRWIL。Daunted？No，that’snotit；itisnotsomuchforthat——
forifsobethatIseton’tI’lldo’t。Butonlyforthepresent，’tissufficienttillfurtheracquaintance，that’sall——yourservant。
MRS。FAIN。Nay，I’llswearyoushallneverlosesofavourableanopportunity，ifIcanhelpit。I’llleaveyoutogetherandlockthedoor。
SCENEIV。
SIRWILFULL，MILLAMANT。
SIRWIL。Nay，nay，cousin。Ihaveforgotmygloves。Whatd’yedo？
’Sheart，ahaslockedthedoorindeed，Ithink。——Nay，cousinFainall，openthedoor。Pshaw，whatavixentrickisthis？Nay，nowahasseenmetoo。——Cousin，Imadeboldtopassthroughasitwere——Ithinkthisdoor’senchanted。
MILLA。[repeating]：—
Ipritheespareme，gentleboy，Pressmenomoreforthatslighttoy。
SIRWIL。Anan？Cousin，yourservant。
MILLA。Thatfoolishtrifleofaheart—
SirWilfull!
SIRWIL。Yes——yourservant。Nooffence，Ihope，cousin？
MILLA。[repeating]：—
Iswearitwillnotdoitspart，Thoughthoudostthine，employ’stthypowerandart。
Natural，easySuckling!
SIRWIL。Anan？Suckling？Nosuchsucklingneither，cousin，norstripling：IthankheavenI’mnominor。
MILLA。Ah，rustic，ruderthanGothic。
SIRWIL。Well，well，Ishallunderstandyourlingooneofthesedays，cousin；inthemeanwhileImustanswerinplainEnglish。
MILLA。Haveyouanybusinesswithme，SirWilfull？
SIRWIL。Notatpresent，cousin。Yes，Imadeboldtosee，tocomeandknowifthathowyouweredisposedtofetchawalkthisevening；
ifsobethatImightnotbetroublesome，Iwouldhavesoughtawalkwithyou。
MILLA。Awalk？Whatthen？
SIRWIL。Nay，nothing。Onlyforthewalk’ssake，that’sall。
MILLA。Inauseatewalking：’tisacountrydiversion；Iloathethecountryandeverythingthatrelatestoit。
SIRWIL。Indeed!Hah!Lookye，lookye，youdo？Nay，’tislikeyoumay。Herearechoiceofpastimeshereintown，asplaysandthelike，thatmustbeconfessedindeed—
MILLA。Ah，L’ETOURDI!Ihatethetowntoo。
SIRWIL。Dearheart，that’smuch。Hah!thatyoushouldhate’emboth!Hah!’tislikeyoumay!Therearesomecan’trelishthetown，andotherscan’tawaywiththecountry，’tislikeyoumaybeoneofthose，cousin。
MILLA。Ha，ha，ha!Yes，’tislikeImay。Youhavenothingfurthertosaytome？
SIRWIL。Notatpresent，cousin。’TislikewhenIhaveanopportunitytobemoreprivate——Imaybreakmymindinsomemeasure—
—Iconjectureyoupartlyguess。However，that’sastimeshalltry。
Butsparetospeakandsparetospeed，astheysay。
MILLA。Ifitisofnogreatimportance，SirWilfull，youwillobligemetoleaveme：Ihavejustnowalittlebusiness。
SIRWIL。Enough，enough，cousin。Yes，yes，allacase。Whenyou’redisposed，whenyou’redisposed。Now’saswellasanothertime；andanothertimeaswellasnow。All’soneforthat。Yes，yes；ifyourconcernscallyou，there’snohaste：itwillkeepcoldastheysay。Cousin，yourservant。Ithinkthisdoor’slocked。
MILLA。Youmaygothisway，sir。
SIRWIL。Yourservant；thenwithyourleaveI’llreturntomycompany。
MILLA。Ay，ay；ha，ha，ha!
LikePhoebussungthenolessam’rousboy。
SCENEV。
MRS。MILLAMANT，MIRABELL。
MIRA。LikeDaphneshe，aslovelyandascoy。
Doyoulockyourselfupfromme，tomakemysearchmorecurious？Oristhisprettyartificecontrived，tosignifythatherethechasemustend，andmypursuitbecrowned，foryoucanflynofurther？
MILLA。Vanity!No——I’llflyandbefollowedtothelastmoment；
thoughIamupontheveryvergeofmatrimony，IexpectyoushouldsolicitmeasmuchasifIwerewaveringatthegrateofamonastery，withonefootoverthethreshold。I’llbesolicitedtotheverylast；nay，andafterwards。
MIRA。What，afterthelast？
MILLA。Oh，IshouldthinkIwaspoorandhadnothingtobestowifI
werereducedtoaningloriousease，andfreedfromtheagreeablefatiguesofsolicitation。
MIRA。Butdonotyouknowthatwhenfavoursareconferreduponinstantandtedioussolicitation，thattheydiminishintheirvalue，andthatboththegiverlosesthegrace，andthereceiverlessenshispleasure？
MILLA。Itmaybeinthingsofcommonapplication，butnever，sure，inlove。Oh，Ihatealoverthatcandaretothinkhedrawsamoment’sairindependentonthebountyofhismistress。Thereisnotsoimpudentathinginnatureasthesaucylookofanassuredmanconfidentofsuccess：thepedanticarroganceofaveryhusbandhasnotsopragmaticalanair。Ah，I’llnevermarry，unlessIamfirstmadesureofmywillandpleasure。
MIRA。Wouldyouhave’embothbeforemarriage？Orwillyoubecontentedwiththefirstnow，andstayfortheothertillaftergrace？
MILLA。Ah，don’tbeimpertinent。Mydearliberty，shallIleavethee？Myfaithfulsolitude，mydarlingcontemplation，mustIbidyouthenadieu？Ay—h，adieu。Mymorningthoughts，agreeablewakings，indolentslumbers，allyeDOUCEURS，yeSOMMEILSDUMATIN，adieu。Ican’tdo’t，’tismorethanimpossible——positively，Mirabell，I’llliea—bedinamorningaslongasIplease。
MIRA。ThenI’llgetupinamorningasearlyasIplease。
MILLA。Ah!Idlecreature，getupwhenyouwill。Andd’yehear，I
won’tbecallednamesafterI’mmarried；positivelyIwon’tbecallednames。
MIRA。Names？
MILLA。Ay，aswife，spouse，mydear，joy，jewel，love，sweet—heart，andtherestofthatnauseouscant，inwhichmenandtheirwivesaresofulsomelyfamiliar——Ishallneverbearthat。GoodMirabell，don’tletusbefamiliarorfond，norkissbeforefolks，likemyLadyFadlerandSirFrancis；norgotoHydeParktogetherthefirstSundayinanewchariot，toprovokeeyesandwhispers，andthenneverbeseentheretogetheragain，asifwewereproudofoneanotherthefirstweek，andashamedofoneanothereverafter。Letusnevervisittogether，norgotoaplaytogether，butletusbeverystrangeandwell—bred。Letusbeasstrangeasifwehadbeenmarriedagreatwhile，andaswell—bredasifwewerenotmarriedatall。
MIRA。Haveyouanymoreconditionstooffer？Hithertoyourdemandsareprettyreasonable。
MILLA。Trifles；aslibertytopayandreceivevisitstoandfromwhomIplease；towriteandreceiveletters，withoutinterrogatoriesorwryfacesonyourpart；towearwhatIplease，andchooseconversationwithregardonlytomyowntaste；tohavenoobligationuponmetoconversewithwitsthatIdon’tlike，becausetheyareyouracquaintance，ortobeintimatewithfools，becausetheymaybeyourrelations。CometodinnerwhenIplease，dineinmydressing—
roomwhenI’moutofhumour，withoutgivingareason。Tohavemyclosetinviolate；tobesoleempressofmytea—table，whichyoumustneverpresumetoapproachwithoutfirstaskingleave。Andlastly，whereverIam，youshallalwaysknockatthedoorbeforeyoucomein。Thesearticlessubscribed，ifIcontinuetoendureyoualittlelonger，Imaybydegreesdwindleintoawife。
MIRA。Yourbilloffareissomethingadvancedinthislatteraccount。Well，haveIlibertytoofferconditions：—thatwhenyouaredwindledintoawife，Imaynotbebeyondmeasureenlargedintoahusband？
MILLA。Youhavefreeleave：proposeyourutmost，speakandsparenot。
MIRA。Ithankyou。IMPRIMIS，then，Icovenantthatyouracquaintancebegeneral；thatyouadmitnoswornconfidantorintimateofyourownsex；noshefriendtoscreenheraffairsunderyourcountenance，andtemptyoutomaketrialofamutualsecrecy。
Nodecoy—ducktowheedleyouaFOP—SCRAMBLINGtotheplayinamask，thenbringyouhomeinapretendedfright，whenyouthinkyoushallbefoundout，andrailatmeformissingtheplay，anddisappointingthefrolicwhichyouhadtopickmeupandprovemyconstancy。
MILLA。DetestableIMPRIMIS!Igototheplayinamask!
MIRA。ITEM，Iarticle，thatyoucontinuetolikeyourownfaceaslongasIshall，andwhileitpassescurrentwithme，thatyouendeavournottonewcoinit。Towhichend，togetherwithallvizardsfortheday，Iprohibitallmasksforthenight，madeofoiledskinsandIknownotwhat——hog’sbones，hare’sgall，pigwater，andthemarrowofaroastedcat。Inshort，Iforbidallcommercewiththegentlewomeninwhat—d’ye—call—itcourt。ITEM，I
shutmydoorsagainstallbawdswithbaskets，andpennyworthsofmuslin，china，fans，atlases，etc。ITEM，whenyoushallbebreeding—
MILLA。Ah，nameitnot!
MIRA。Whichmaybepresumed，withablessingonourendeavours—
MILLA。Odiousendeavours!
MIRA。Idenounceagainstallstraitlacing，squeezingforashape，tillyoumouldmyboy’sheadlikeasugar—loaf，andinsteadofaman—child，makemefathertoacrookedbillet。Lastly，tothedominionofthetea—tableIsubmit；butwithproviso，thatyouexceednotinyourprovince，butrestrainyourselftonativeandsimpletea—tabledrinks，astea，chocolate，andcoffee。Aslikewisetogenuineandauthorisedtea—tabletalk，suchasmendingoffashions，spoilingreputations，railingatabsentfriends，andsoforth。Butthatonnoaccountyouencroachuponthemen’sprerogative，andpresumetodrinkhealths，ortoastfellows；forpreventionofwhich，Ibanishallforeignforces，allauxiliariestothetea—table，asorange—brandy，allaniseed，cinnamon，citron，andBarbadoeswaters，togetherwithratafiaandthemostnoblespiritofclary。Butforcowslip—wine，poppy—water，andalldormitives，thoseIallow。Theseprovisosadmitted，inotherthingsImayproveatractableandcomplyinghusband。
MILLA。Oh，horridprovisos!Filthystrongwaters!Itoastfellows，odiousmen!Ihateyourodiousprovisos。
MIRA。Thenwe’reagreed。ShallIkissyourhanduponthecontract？
Andherecomesonetobeawitnesstothesealingofthedeed。
SCENEVI。
[Tothem]MRS。FAINALL。
MILLA。Fainall，whatshallIdo？ShallIhavehim？IthinkImusthavehim。
MRS。FAIN。Ay，ay，takehim，takehim，whatshouldyoudo？
MILLA。Wellthen——I’lltakemydeathI’minahorridfright——
Fainall，Ishallneversayit。Well——Ithink——I’llendureyou。
MRS。FAIN。Fie，fie，havehim，andtellhimsoinplainterms：forIamsureyouhaveamindtohim。
MILLA。Areyou？IthinkIhave；andthehorridmanlooksasifhethoughtsotoo。Well，youridiculousthingyou，I’llhaveyou。I
won’tbekissed，norIwon’tbethanked。——Here，kissmyhandthough，soholdyourtonguenow；don’tsayaword。
MRS。FAIN。Mirabell，there’sanecessityforyourobedience：youhaveneithertimetotalknorstay。Mymotheriscoming；andinmyconscienceifsheshouldseeyou，wouldfallintofits，andmaybenotrecovertimeenoughtoreturntoSirRowland，who，asFoibletellsme，isinafairwaytosucceed。Thereforespareyourecstasiesforanotheroccasion，andslipdownthebackstairs，whereFoiblewaitstoconsultyou。
MILLA。Ay，go，go。InthemeantimeIsupposeyouhavesaidsomethingtopleaseme。
MIRA。Iamallobedience。
SCENEVII。
MRS。MILLAMANT，MRS。FAINALL。
MRS。FAIN。YonderSirWilfull’sdrunk，andsonoisythatmymotherhasbeenforcedtoleaveSirRowlandtoappeasehim；butheanswersheronlywithsinginganddrinking。WhattheymayhavedonebythistimeIknownot，butPetulantandhewereuponquarrellingasIcameby。
MILLA。Well，ifMirabellshouldnotmakeagoodhusband，Iamalostthing：forIfindIlovehimviolently。
MRS。FAIN。Soitseems；foryoumindnotwhat’ssaidtoyou。Ifyoudoubthim，youhadbesttakeupwithSirWilfull。
MILLA。Howcanyounamethatsuperannuatedlubber？foh!
SCENEVIII。
[Tothem]WITWOUDfromdrinking。
MRS。FAIN。So，isthefraymadeupthatyouhaveleft’em？
WIT。Left’em？Icouldstaynolonger。IhavelaughedliketenChrist’nings。Iamtipsywithlaughing——ifIhadstayedanylongerIshouldhaveburst，——Imusthavebeenletoutandpiecedinthesideslikeanunsizedcamlet。Yes，yes，thefrayiscomposed；myladycameinlikeaNOLIPROSEQUI，andstopttheproceedings。
MILLA。Whatwasthedispute？
WIT。That’sthejest：therewasnodispute。Theycouldneitherof’emspeakforrage；andsofellasputt’ringatoneanotherliketworoastingapples。
SCENEIX。
[Tothem]PETULANTdrunk。
WIT。Now，Petulant？All’sover，all’swell？Gad，myheadbeginstowhimitabout。Whydostthounotspeak？Thouartbothasdrunkandasmuteasafish。
PET。Lookyou，Mrs。Millamant，ifyoucanloveme，dearNymph，sayit，andthat’stheconclusion——passon，orpassoff——that’sall。
WIT。Thouhastutteredvolumes，folios，inlessthandecimosexto，mydearLacedemonian。Sirrah，Petulant，thouartanepitomiserofwords。
PET。Witwoud，——youareanannihilatorofsense。
WIT。Thouartaretailerofphrases，anddostdealinremnantsofremnants，likeamakerofpincushions；thouartintruth（metaphoricallyspeaking）aspeakerofshorthand。
PET。Thouart（withoutafigure）justonehalfofanass，andBaldwinyonder，thyhalf—brother，istherest。AGeminiofassessplitwouldmakejustfourofyou。
WIT。Thoudostbite，mydearmustard—seed；kissmeforthat。
PET。Standoff——I’llkissnomoremales——IhavekissedyourTwinyonderinahumourofreconciliationtillhe[hiccup]risesuponmystomachlikearadish。
MILLA。Eh!filthycreature；whatwasthequarrel？
PET。Therewasnoquarrel；theremighthavebeenaquarrel。
WIT。Iftherehadbeenwordsenowbetween’emtohaveexpressedprovocation，theyhadgonetogetherbytheearslikeapairofcastanets。
PET。Youwerethequarrel。
MILLA。Me？
PET。IfIhaveahumourtoquarrel，Icanmakelessmattersconcludepremises。Ifyouarenothandsome，whatthen？IfIhaveahumourtoproveit？IfIshallhavemyreward，sayso；ifnot，fightforyourfacethenexttimeyourself——I’llgosleep。
WIT。Do，wrapthyselfuplikeawoodlouse，anddreamrevenge。And，hearme，ifthoucanstlearntowritebyto—morrowmorning，penmeachallenge。I’llcarryitforthee。
PET。Carryyourmistress’smonkeyaspider；gofleadogsandreadromances。I’llgotobedtomymaid。
MRS。FAIN。He’shorridlydrunk——howcameyouallinthispickle？
WIT。Aplot，aplot，togetridoftheknight——yourhusband’sadvice；buthesneakedoff。
SCENEX。
SIRWILFULL，drunk，LADYWISHFORT，WITWOUD，MRS。MILLAMANT，MRS。
FAINALL。
LADY。Outupon’t，outupon’t，atyearsofdiscretion，andcomportyourselfatthisrantipolerate!
SIRWIL。Nooffence，aunt。
LADY。Offence？AsI’maperson，I’mashamedofyou。Fogh!Howyoustinkofwine!D’yethinkmyniecewilleverenduresuchaBorachio？You’reanabsoluteBorachio。
SIRWIL。Borachio？
LADY。Atatimewhenyoushouldcommenceanamour，andputyourbestfootforemost—
SIRWIL。’Sheart，anyougrutchmeyourliquor，makeabill。——Givememoredrink，andtakemypurse。[Sings]：—
Pritheefillmetheglass，Tillitlaughinmyface，Withalethatispotentandmellow；
HethatwhinesforalassIsanignorantass，Forabumperhasnotitsfellow。
Butifyouwouldhavememarrymycousin，saytheword，andI’lldo’t。Wilfullwilldo’t，that’stheword。Wilfullwilldo’t，that’smycrest，——mymottoIhaveforgot。
LADY。Mynephew’salittleovertaken，cousin，but’tisdrinkingyourhealth。O’myword，youareobligedtohim—
SIRWIL。INVINOVERITAS，aunt。IfIdrunkyourhealthto—day，cousin，——IamaBorachio。——Butifyouhaveamindtobemarried，saythewordandsendforthepiper；Wilfullwilldo’t。Ifnot，dustitaway，andlet’shavet’otherround。Tony——ods—heart，where’sTony？—
—Tony’sanhonestfellow，buthespitsafterabumper，andthat’safault。
We’lldrinkandwe’llneverha’done，boys，Puttheglassthenaroundwiththesun，boys，LetApollo’sexampleinviteus；
Forhe’sdrunkeverynight，Andthatmakeshimsobright，Thathe’sablenextmorningtolightus。
Thesun’sagoodpimple，anhonestsoaker，hehasacellaratyourantipodes。IfItravel，aunt，Itouchatyourantipodes——yourantipodesareagoodrascallysortoftopsy—turvyfellows。IfIhadabumperI’dstanduponmyheadanddrinkahealthto’em。Amatchornomatch，cousinwiththehardname；aunt，Wilfullwilldo’t。Ifshehashermaidenheadletherlookto’t；ifshehasnot，letherkeepherowncounselinthemeantime，andcryoutattheninemonths’end。
MILLA。Yourpardon，madam，Icanstaynolonger。SirWilfullgrowsverypowerful。Egh!howhesmells!IshallbeovercomeifIstay。
Come，cousin。
SCENEXI。
LADYWISHFORT，SIRWILFULLWITWOUD，MR。WITWOUD，FOIBLE。
LADY。Smells？Hewouldpoisonatallow—chandlerandhisfamily。
Beastlycreature，Iknownotwhattodowithhim。Travel，quotha；
ay，travel，travel，gettheegone，gettheebutfarenough，totheSaracens，ortheTartars，ortheTurks——forthouartnotfittoliveinaChristiancommonwealth，thoubeastlypagan。
SIRWIL。Turks？No；noTurks，aunt。YourTurksareinfidels，andbelievenotinthegrape。YourMahometan，yourMussulmanisadrystinkard。Nooffence，aunt。MymapsaysthatyourTurkisnotsohonestamanasyourChristian——IcannotfindbythemapthatyourMuftiisorthodox，wherebyitisaplaincasethatorthodoxisahardword，aunt，and[hiccup]Greekforclaret。[Sings]：—
TodrinkisaChristiandiversion，UnknowntotheTurkorthePersian。
LetMahometanfoolsLivebyheathenishrules，Andbedamnedovertea—cupsandcoffee。
ButletBritishladssing，CrownahealthtotheKing，AndafigforyourSultanandSophy。
Ah，Tony![FOIBLEwhispersLADYW。]
LADY。SirRowlandimpatient？Goodlack!whatshallIdowiththisbeastlytumbril？Goliedownandsleep，yousot，orasI’maperson，I’llhaveyoubastinadoedwithbroomsticks。Callupthewencheswithbroomsticks。
SIRWIL。Ahey!Wenches？Wherearethewenches？
LADY。DearCousinWitwoud，gethimaway，andyouwillbindmetoyouinviolably。Ihaveanaffairofmomentthatinvadesmewithsomeprecipitation。——Youwillobligemetoallfuturity。
WIT。Come，knight。Poxonhim，Idon’tknowwhattosaytohim。
Willyougotoacock—match？
SIRWIL。Withawench，Tony？Issheashake—bag，sirrah？Letmebiteyourcheekforthat。
WIT。Horrible!Hehasabreathlikeabagpipe。Ay，ay；come，willyoumarch，mySalopian？
SIRWIL。Leadon，littleTony。I’llfollowthee，myAnthony，myTantony。Sirrah，thoushaltbemyTantony，andI’llbethypig。
AndafigforyourSultanandSophy。
LADY。Thiswillneverdo。Itwillnevermakeamatch，——atleastbeforehehasbeenabroad。
SCENEXII。
LADYWISHFORT，WAITWELLdisguisedasforSIRROWLAND。
LADY。DearSirRowland，Iamconfoundedwithconfusionattheretrospectionofmyownrudeness，——Ihavemorepardonstoaskthanthepopedistributesintheyearofjubilee。ButIhopewherethereislikelytobesonearanalliance，wemayunbendtheseverityofdecorum，anddispensewithalittleceremony。
WAIT。Myimpatience，madam，istheeffectofmytransport；andtillIhavethepossessionofyouradorableperson，Iamtantalisedontherack，anddobuthang，madam，onthetenterofexpectation。
LADY。Youhaveexcessofgallantry，SirRowland，andpressthingstoaconclusionwithamostprevailingvehemence。Butadayortwofordecencyofmarriage—
WAIT。Fordecencyoffuneral，madam!Thedelaywillbreakmyheart——orifthatshouldfail，Ishallbepoisoned。Mynephewwillgetaninklingofmydesignsandpoisonme——andIwouldwillinglystarvehimbeforeIdie——Iwouldgladlygooutoftheworldwiththatsatisfaction。Thatwouldbesomecomforttome，ifIcouldbutlivesolongastoberevengedonthatunnaturalviper。
LADY。Ishesounnatural，sayyou？TrulyIwouldcontributemuchbothtothesavingofyourlifeandtheaccomplishmentofyourrevenge。NotthatIrespectmyself；thoughhehasbeenaperfidiouswretchtome。
WAIT。Perfidioustoyou？
LADY。OSirRowland，thehoursthathehasdiedawayatmyfeet，thetearsthathehasshed，theoathsthathehassworn，thepalpitationsthathehasfelt，thetrancesandthetremblings，theardoursandtheecstasies，thekneelingsandtherisings，theheart—
heavingsandthehand—gripings，thepangsandthepatheticregardsofhisprotestingeyes!——Oh，nomemorycanregister。
WAIT。What，myrival？Istherebelmyrival？Adies。
LADY。No，don’tkillhimatonce，SirRowland：starvehimgradually，inchbyinch。
WAIT。I’lldo’t。Inthreeweeksheshallbebarefoot；inamonthoutatkneeswithbegginganalms；heshallstarveupwardandupward，’tillhehasnothinglivingbuthishead，andthengooutinastinklikeacandle’senduponasave—all。
LADY。Well，SirRowland，youhavetheway，——youarenonoviceinthelabyrinthoflove，——youhavetheclue。ButasIamaperson，SirRowland，youmustnotattributemyyieldingtoanysinisterappetiteorindigestionofwidowhood；norimputemycomplacencytoanylethargyofcontinence。Ihopeyoudonotthinkmepronetoanyiterationofnuptials？
WAIT。Farbeitfromme—
LADY。Ifyoudo，IprotestImustrecede，orthinkthatIhavemadeaprostitutionofdecorums，butinthevehemenceofcompassion，andtosavethelifeofapersonofsomuchimportance—
WAIT。Iesteemitso—
LADY。Orelseyouwrongmycondescension—
WAIT。Idonot，Idonot—
LADY。Indeedyoudo。
WAIT。Idonot，fairshrineofvirtue。
LADY。Ifyouthinktheleastscrupleofcausalitywasaningredient—
WAIT。Dearmadam，no。Youareallcamphireandfrankincense，allchastityandodour。
LADY。Orthat—
SCENEXIII。
[Tothem]FOIBLE。
FOIB。Madam，thedancersareready，andthere’sonewithaletter，whomustdeliveritintoyourownhands。
LADY。SirRowland，willyougivemeleave？Thinkfavourably，judgecandidly，andconcludeyouhavefoundapersonwhowouldsufferracksinhonour’scause，dearSirRowland，andwillwaitonyouincessantly。
SCENEXIV。
WAITWELL，FOIBLE。
WAIT。Fie，fie!WhataslaveryhaveIundergone；spouse，hastthouanycordial？Iwantspirits。
FOIB。Whatawashyrogueartthou，topantthusforaquarterofanhour’slyingandswearingtoafinelady？
WAIT。Oh，sheistheantidotetodesire。Spouse，thouwiltfaretheworsefor’t。Ishallhavenoappetitetoiterationofnuptials—
—thiseight—and—fortyhours。BythishandI’dratherbeachairmaninthedog—daysthanactSirRowlandtillthistimeto—morrow。
SCENEXV。
[Tothem]LADYwithaletter。
LADY。Callinthedancers；SirRowland，we’llsit，ifyouplease，andseetheentertainment。[Dance。]Now，withyourpermission，SirRowland，Iwillperusemyletter。Iwouldopenitinyourpresence，becauseIwouldnotmakeyouuneasy。Ifitshouldmakeyouuneasy，Iwouldburnit——speakifitdoes——butyoumaysee，thesuperscriptionislikeawoman’shand。
FOIB。Byheaven!Mrs。Marwood’s，Iknowit，——myheartaches——getitfromher![Tohim。]
WAIT。Awoman’shand？Nomadam，that’snowoman’shand：Iseethatalready。That’ssomebodywhosethroatmustbecut。
LADY。Nay，SirRowland，sinceyougivemeaproofofyourpassionbyyourjealousy，IpromiseyouI’llmakeareturnbyafrankcommunication。Youshallseeit——we’llopenittogether。Lookyouhere。[Reads。]MADAM，THOUGHUNKNOWNTOYOU（lookyouthere，’tisfromnobodythatIknow。）IHAVETHATHONOURFORYOURCHARACTER，THATITHINKMYSELFOBLIGEDTOLETYOUKNOWYOUAREABUSED。HEWHO
PRETENDSTOBESIRROWLANDISACHEATANDARASCAL。Oheavens!
what’sthis？
FOIB。Unfortunate；all’sruined。
WAIT。How，how，letmesee，letmesee。[Reading。]ARASCAL，AND
DISGUISEDANDSUBORNEDFORTHATIMPOSTURE——Ovillainy!Ovillainy!——
BYTHECONTRIVANCEOF—
LADY。Ishallfaint，Ishalldie。Oh!
FOIB。Say’tisyournephew’shand。Quickly，hisplot，swear，swearit![Tohim。]
WAIT。Here’savillain!Madam，don’tyouperceiveit？Don’tyouseeit？
LADY。Toowell，toowell。Ihaveseentoomuch。
WAIT。ItoldyouatfirstIknewthehand。Awoman’shand？Therascalwritesasortofalargehand：yourRomanhand。——Isawtherewasathroattobecutpresently。Ifheweremyson，asheismynephew，I’dpistolhim。
FOIB。Otreachery!Butareyousure，SirRowland，itishiswriting？
WAIT。Sure？AmIhere？DoIlive？DoIlovethispearlofIndia？
Ihavetwentylettersinmypocketfromhiminthesamecharacter。
LADY。How？
FOIB。Oh，whatluckitis，SirRowland，thatyouwerepresentatthisjuncture!ThiswasthebusinessthatbroughtMr。MirabelldisguisedtoMadamMillamantthisafternoon。Ithoughtsomethingwascontriving，whenhestolebymeandwouldhavehidhisface。
LADY。How，how？Iheardthevillainwasinthehouseindeed；andnowIremember，myniecewentawayabruptlywhenSirWilfullwastohavemadehisaddresses。
FOIB。Then，then，madam，Mr。Mirabellwaitedforherinherchamber；butIwouldnottellyourladyshiptodiscomposeyouwhenyouweretoreceiveSirRowland。
WAIT。Enough，hisdateisshort。
FOIB。No，goodSirRowland，don’tincurthelaw。
WAIT。Law？Icarenotforlaw。Icanbutdie，and’tisinagoodcause。Myladyshallbesatisfiedofmytruthandinnocence，thoughitcostmemylife。
LADY。No，dearSirRowland，don’tfight：ifyoushouldbekilledI
mustnevershowmyface；orhanged，——oh，considermyreputation，SirRowland。No，youshan’tfight：I’llgoinandexaminemyniece；
I’llmakeherconfess。Iconjureyou，SirRowland，byallyourlovenottofight。
WAIT。Iamcharmed，madam；Iobey。Butsomeproofyoumustletmegiveyou：I’llgoforablackbox，whichcontainsthewritingsofmywholeestate，anddeliverthatintoyourhands。
LADY。Ay，dearSirRowland，thatwillbesomecomfort；bringtheblackbox。
WAIT。AndmayIpresumetobringacontracttobesignedthisnight？MayIhopesofar？
LADY。Bringwhatyouwill；butcomealive，praycomealive。Oh，thisisahappydiscovery。
WAIT。DeadoraliveI’llcome——andmarriedwewillbeinspiteoftreachery；ay，andgetanheirthatshalldefeatthelastremainingglimpseofhopeinmyabandonednephew。Come，mybuxomwidow：
E’erlongyoushallsubstantialproofreceiveThatI’manarrantknight—
FOIB。Orarrantknave。
ACTV。——SCENEI。
Scenecontinues。
LADYWISHFORTandFOIBLE。
LADY。Outofmyhouse，outofmyhouse，thouviper，thouserpentthatIhavefostered，thoubosomtraitressthatIraisedfromnothing!Begone，begone，begone，go，go；thatItookfromwashingofoldgauzeandweavingofdeadhair，withableakbluenose，overachafing—dishofstarvedembers，anddiningbehindatraver’srag，inashopnobiggerthanabird—cage。Go，go，starveagain，do，do!
FOIB。Dearmadam，I’llbegpardononmyknees。
LADY。Away，out，out，gosetupforyourselfagain，do；driveatrade，do，withyourthreepennyworthofsmallware，flauntinguponapackthread，underabrandy—seller’sbulk，oragainstadeadwallbyaballadmonger。Go，hangoutanoldfrisoneer—gorget，withayardofyellowcolberteenagain，do；anoldgnawedmask，tworowsofpins，andachild’sfiddle；aglassnecklacewiththebeadsbroken，andaquiltednight—capwithoneear。Go，go，driveatrade。Thesewereyourcommodities，youtreacheroustrull；thiswasthemerchandiseyoudealtin，whenItookyouintomyhouse，placedyounextmyself，andmadeyougovernantofmywholefamily。Youhaveforgotthis，haveyou，nowyouhavefeatheredyournest？
FOIB。No，no，dearmadam。Dobuthearme，havebutamoment’spatience——I’llconfessall。Mr。Mirabellseducedme；Iamnotthefirstthathehaswheedledwithhisdissemblingtongue。Yourladyship’sownwisdomhasbeendeludedbyhim；thenhowshouldI，apoorignorant，defendmyself？Omadam，ifyouknewbutwhathepromisedme，andhowheassuredmeyourladyshipshouldcometonodamage，orelsethewealthoftheIndiesshouldnothavebribedmetoconspireagainstsogood，sosweet，sokindaladyasyouhavebeentome。
LADY。Nodamage？What，tobetrayme，tomarrymetoacastserving—man；tomakemeareceptacle，anhospitalforadecayedpimp？Nodamage？Othoufrontlessimpudence，morethanabig—
belliedactress!
FOIB。Praydobuthearme，madam；hecouldnotmarryyourladyship，madam。Noindeed，hismarriagewastohavebeenvoidinlaw；forhewasmarriedtomefirst，tosecureyourladyship。Hecouldnothavebeddedyourladyship，forifhehadconsummatedwithyourladyship，hemusthaveruntheriskofthelaw，andbeenputuponhisclergy。
Yesindeed，IenquiredofthelawinthatcasebeforeIwouldmeddleormake。
LADY。What？ThenIhavebeenyourproperty，haveI？Ihavebeenconvenienttoyou，itseems，whileyouwerecateringforMirabell；I
havebeenbrokerforyou？What，haveyoumadeapassivebawdofme？
Thisexceedsallprecedent。Iambroughttofineuses，tobecomeabotcherofsecond—handmarriagesbetweenAbigailsandAndrews!I’llcoupleyou。Yes，I’llbasteyoutogether，youandyourPhilander。
I’llDuke’sPlaceyou，asI’maperson。Yourturtleisincustodyalready。Youshallcoointhesamecage，iftherebeconstableorwarrantintheparish。
FOIB。Oh，thateverIwasborn!Oh，thatIwasevermarried!A
bride？Ay，IshallbeaBridewellbride。Oh!
SCENEII。
MRS。FAINALL，FOIBLE。
MRS。FAIN。PoorFoible，what’sthematter？
FOIB。Omadam，mylady’sgoneforaconstable；Ishallbehadtoajustice，andputtoBridewelltobeathemp。PoorWaitwell’sgonetoprisonalready。
MRS。FAIN。Haveagoodheart，Foible：Mirabell’sgonetogivesecurityforhim。ThisisallMarwood’sandmyhusband’sdoing。
FOIB。Yes，yes；Iknowit，madam：shewasinmylady’scloset，andoverheardallthatyousaidtomebeforedinner。Shesentthelettertomylady，andthatmissingeffect，Mr。FainalllaidthisplottoarrestWaitwell，whenhepretendedtogoforthepapers；andinthemeantimeMrs。Marwooddeclaredalltomylady。
MRS。FAIN。Wastherenomentionmadeofmeintheletter？Mymotherdoesnotsuspectmybeingintheconfederacy？IfancyMarwoodhasnottoldher，thoughshehastoldmyhusband。
FOIB。Yes，madam；butmyladydidnotseethatpart。Westifledtheletterbeforeshereadsofar。HasthatmischievousdeviltoldMr。Fainallofyourladyshipthen？
MRS。FAIN。Ay，all’sout：myaffairwithMirabell，everythingdiscovered。Thisisthelastdayofourlivingtogether；that’smycomfort。
FOIB。Indeed，madam，andso’tisacomfort，ifyouknewall。Hehasbeenevenwithyourladyship；whichIcouldhavetoldyoulongenoughsince，butIlovetokeeppeaceandquietnessbymygoodwill。Ihadratherbringfriendstogetherthanset’ematdistance。
ButMrs。Marwoodandhearenearerrelatedthanevertheirparentsthoughtfor。
MRS。FAIN。Say’stthouso，Foible？Canstthouprovethis？
FOIB。Icantakemyoathofit，madam；socanMrs。Mincing。WehavehadmanyafairwordfromMadamMarwoodtoconcealsomethingthatpassedinourchamberoneeveningwhenyouwereatHydePark，andwewerethoughttohavegonea—walking。Butwewentupunawares——thoughweweresworntosecrecytoo：MadamMarwoodtookabookandsworeusuponit：butitwasbutabookofpoems。Solongasitwasnotabibleoath，wemaybreakitwithasafeconscience。
MRS。FAIN。ThisdiscoveryisthemostopportunethingIcouldwish。
Now，Mincing？
SCENEIII。
[Tothem]MINCING。
MINC。MyladywouldspeakwithMrs。Foible，mem。Mr。Mirabelliswithher；hehassetyourspouseatliberty，Mrs。Foible，andwouldhaveyouhideyourselfinmylady’sclosettillmyoldlady’sangerisabated。Oh，myoldladyisinaperilouspassionatsomethingMr。Fainallhassaid；heswears，andmyoldladycries。There’safearfulhurricane，Ivow。Hesays，mem，howthathe’llhavemylady’sfortunemadeovertohim，orhe’llbedivorced。
MRS。FAIN。DoesyourladyorMirabellknowthat？
MINC。Yesmem；theyhavesentmetoseeifSirWilfullbesober，andtobringhimtothem。Myladyisresolvedtohavehim，Ithink，ratherthanlosesuchavastsumassixthousandpound。Oh，come，Mrs。Foible，Ihearmyoldlady。
MRS。FAIN。Foible，youmusttellMincingthatshemustpreparetovouchwhenIcallher。
FOIB。Yes，yes，madam。
MINC。Oh，yesmem，I’llvouchanythingforyourladyship’sservice，bewhatitwill。
SCENEIV。
MRS。FAINALL，LADYWISHFORT，MRS。MARWOOD。
LADY。Omydearfriend，howcanIenumeratethebenefitsthatI
havereceivedfromyourgoodness？ToyouIowethetimelydiscoveryofthefalsevowsofMirabell；toyouIowethedetectionoftheimpostorSirRowland。Andnowyouarebecomeanintercessorwithmyson—in—law，tosavethehonourofmyhouseandcompoundforthefrailtiesofmydaughter。Well，friend，youareenoughtoreconcilemetothebadworld，orelseIwouldretiretodesertsandsolitudes，andfeedharmlesssheepbygrovesandpurlingstreams。
DearMarwood，letusleavetheworld，andretirebyourselvesandbeshepherdesses。
MRS。MAR。Letusfirstdispatchtheaffairinhand，madam。Weshallhaveleisuretothinkofretirementafterwards。Hereisonewhoisconcernedinthetreaty。
LADY。Odaughter，daughter，isitpossiblethoushouldstbemychild，boneofmybone，andfleshofmyflesh，andasImaysay，anotherme，andyettransgressthemostminuteparticleofseverevirtue？Isitpossibleyoushouldleanasidetoiniquity，whohavebeencastinthedirectmouldofvirtue？Ihavenotonlybeenamouldbutapatternforyou，andamodelforyou，afteryouwerebroughtintotheworld。
MRS。FAIN。Idon’tunderstandyourladyship。
LADY。Notunderstand？Why，haveyounotbeennaught？Haveyounotbeensophisticated？Notunderstand？HereIamruinedtocompoundforyourcapricesandyourcuckoldoms。Imustpawnmyplateandmyjewels，andruinmyniece，andalllittleenough—
MRS。FAIN。Iamwrongedandabused，andsoareyou。’Tisafalseaccusation，asfalseashell，asfalseasyourfriendthere；ay，oryourfriend’sfriend，myfalsehusband。
MRS。MAR。Myfriend，Mrs。Fainall？Yourhusbandmyfriend，whatdoyoumean？
MRS。FAIN。IknowwhatImean，madam，andsodoyou；andsoshalltheworldatatimeconvenient。
MRS。MAR。Iamsorrytoseeyousopassionate，madam。Moretemperwouldlookmorelikeinnocence。ButIhavedone。Iamsorrymyzealtoserveyourladyshipandfamilyshouldadmitofmisconstruction，ormakemeliabletoaffronts。Youwillpardonme，madam，ifImeddlenomorewithanaffairinwhichIamnotpersonallyconcerned。
LADY。Odearfriend，Iamsoashamedthatyoushouldmeetwithsuchreturns。Yououghttoaskpardononyourknees，ungratefulcreature；shedeservesmorefromyouthanallyourlifecanaccomplish。Oh，don’tleavemedestituteinthisperplexity!No，sticktome，mygoodgenius。
MRS。FAIN。Itellyou，madam，you’reabused。Sticktoyou？Ay，likealeech，tosuckyourbestblood；she’lldropoffwhenshe’sfull。Madam，youshan’tpawnabodkin，norpartwithabrasscounter，incompositionforme。Idefy’emall。Let’emprovetheiraspersions：Iknowmyowninnocence，anddarestandatrial。
SCENEV。
LADYWISHFORT，MRS。MARWOOD。
LADY。Why，ifsheshouldbeinnocent，ifsheshouldbewrongedafterall，ha？Idon’tknowwhattothink，andIpromiseyou，hereducationhasbeenunexceptionable。Imaysayit，forIchieflymadeitmyowncaretoinitiateherveryinfancyintherudimentsofvirtue，andtoimpressuponhertenderyearsayoungodiumandaversiontotheverysightofmen；ay，friend，shewouldha’
shriekedifshehadbutseenamantillshewasinherteens。AsI’maperson，’tistrue。Shewasneversufferedtoplaywithamalechild，thoughbutincoats。Nay，herverybabieswereofthefemininegender。Oh，sheneverlookedamaninthefacebutherownfatherorthechaplain，andhimwemadeashifttoputuponherforawoman，bythehelpofhislonggarments，andhissleekface，tillshewasgoinginherfifteen。
MRS。MAR。’Twasmuchsheshouldbedeceivedsolong。
LADY。Iwarrantyou，orshewouldneverhavebornetohavebeencatechisedbyhim，andhaveheardhislonglecturesagainstsinginganddancingandsuchdebaucheries，andgoingtofilthyplays，andprofanemusicmeetings，wherethelewdtreblessqueaknothingbutbawdy，andthebassesroarblasphemy。Oh，shewouldhaveswoonedatthesightornameofanobsceneplay—book——andcanIthinkafterallthisthatmydaughtercanbenaught？What，awhore？Andthoughtitexcommunicationtosetherfootwithinthedoorofaplayhouse。O
dearfriend，Ican’tbelieveit。No，no；asshesays，lethimproveit，lethimproveit。
MRS。MAR。Proveit，madam？What，andhaveyournameprostitutedinapubliccourt；yoursandyourdaughter’sreputationworriedatthebarbyapackofbawlinglawyers？TobeusheredinwithanOHYES
ofscandal，andhaveyourcaseopenedbyanoldfumblingleacherinaquoiflikeamanmidwife；tobringyourdaughter’sinfamytolight；tobeathemeforlegalpunstersandquibblersbythestatute；andbecomeajest，againstaruleofcourt，wherethereisnoprecedentforajestinanyrecord，noteveninDoomsdayBook。
Todiscomposethegravityofthebench，andprovokenaughtyinterrogatoriesinmorenaughtylawLatin；whilethegoodjudge，tickledwiththeproceeding，simpersunderagreybeard，andfidgesoffandonhiscushionasifhehadswallowedcantharides，orsateuponcow—itch。
LADY。Oh，’tisveryhard!
MRS。MAR。AndthentohavemyyoungrevellersoftheTempletakenotes，likeprenticesataconventicle；andaftertalkitoveragaininCommons，orbeforedrawersinaneating—house。
LADY。Worseandworse。
MRS。MAR。Nay，thisisnothing；ifitwouldendhere’twerewell。
Butitmustafterthisbeconsignedbytheshorthandwriterstothepublicpress；andfromthencebetransferredtothehands，nay，intothethroatsandlungs，ofhawkers，withvoicesmorelicentiousthantheloudflounder—man’s。Andthisyoumustheartillyouarestunned；nay，youmusthearnothingelseforsomedays。
LADY。Oh’tisinsupportable。No，no，dearfriend，makeitup，makeitup；ay，ay，I’llcompound。I’llgiveupall，myselfandmyall，mynieceandherall，anything，everything，forcomposition。
MRS。MAR。Nay，madam，Iadvisenothing，Ionlylaybeforeyou，asafriend，theinconvenienceswhichperhapsyouhaveoverseen。HerecomesMr。Fainall；ifhewillbesatisfiedtohuddleupallinsilence，Ishallbeglad。YoumustthinkIwouldrathercongratulatethancondolewithyou。
SCENEVI。
FAINALL，LADYWISHFORT，MRS。MARWOOD。
LADY。Ay，ay，Idonotdoubtit，dearMarwood。No，no，Idonotdoubtit。
FAIN。Well，madam，Ihavesufferedmyselftobeovercomebytheimportunityofthislady，yourfriend，andamcontentyoushallenjoyyourownproperestateduringlife，onconditionyouobligeyourselfnevertomarry，undersuchpenaltyasIthinkconvenient。
LADY。Nevertomarry？
FAIN。NomoreSirRowlands，——thenextimposturemaynotbesotimelydetected。
MRS。MAR。Thatcondition，Idareanswer，myladywillconsentto，withoutdifficulty；shehasalreadybuttoomuchexperiencedtheperfidiousnessofmen。Besides，madam，whenweretiretoourpastoralsolitude，weshallbidadieutoallotherthoughts。
LADY。Ay，that’strue；butincaseofnecessity，asofhealth，orsomesuchemergency—
FAIN。Oh，ifyouareprescribedmarriage，youshallbeconsidered；
Iwillonlyreservetomyselfthepowertochooseforyou。Ifyourphysicbewholesome，itmattersnotwhoisyourapothecary。Next，mywifeshallsettleonmetheremainderofherfortune，notmadeoveralready；andforhermaintenancedependentirelyonmydiscretion。
LADY。Thisismostinhumanlysavage：exceedingthebarbarityofaMuscovitehusband。
FAIN。IlearneditfromhisCzarishMajesty’sretinue，inawinterevening’sconferenceoverbrandyandpepper，amongstothersecretsofmatrimonyandpolicy，astheyareatpresentpractisedinthenorthernhemisphere。Butthismustbeagreedunto，andthatpositively。Lastly，Iwillbeendowed，inrightofmywife，withthatsixthousandpound，whichisthemoietyofMrs。Millamant’sfortuneinyourpossession，andwhichshehasforfeited（aswillappearbythelastwillandtestamentofyourdeceasedhusband，SirJonathanWishfort）byherdisobedienceincontractingherselfagainstyourconsentorknowledge，andbyrefusingtheofferedmatchwithSirWilfullWitwoud，whichyou，likeacarefulaunt，hadprovidedforher。
LADY。MynephewwasNONCOMPOS，andcouldnotmakehisaddresses。
FAIN。Icometomakedemands——I’llhearnoobjections。
LADY。Youwillgrantmetimetoconsider？
FAIN。Yes，whiletheinstrumentisdrawing，towhichyoumustsetyourhandtillmoresufficientdeedscanbeperfected：whichIwilltakecareshallbedonewithallpossiblespeed。InthemeanwhileI
willgoforthesaidinstrument，andtillmyreturnyoumaybalancethismatterinyourowndiscretion。
SCENEVII。
LADYWISHFORT，MRS。MARWOOD。
LADY。Thisinsolenceisbeyondallprecedent，allparallel。MustI
besubjecttothismercilessvillain？
MRS。MAR。’Tissevereindeed，madam，thatyoushouldsmartforyourdaughter’swantonness。
LADY。’Twasagainstmyconsentthatshemarriedthisbarbarian，butshewouldhavehim，thoughheryearwasnotout。Ah!herfirsthusband，mysonLanguish，wouldnothavecarrieditthus。Well，thatwasmychoice，thisishers；sheismatchednowwithawitness—
—Ishallbemad，dearfriend；istherenocomfortforme？MustI
livetobeconfiscatedatthisrebel—rate？HerecometwomoreofmyEgyptianplaguestoo。
SCENEVIII。
[Tothem]MRS。MILLAMANT，SIRWILFULL。
SIRWIL。Aunt，yourservant。
LADY。Out，caterpillar，callnotmeaunt；Iknowtheenot。
SIRWIL。IconfessIhavebeenalittleindisguise，astheysay。
’Sheart!andI’msorryfor’t。Whatwouldyouhave？IhopeI
committednooffence，aunt——andifIdidIamwillingtomakesatisfaction；andwhatcanamansayfairer？IfIhavebrokeanythingI’llpayfor’t，anitcostapound。Andsoletthatcontentforwhat’spast，andmakenomorewords。Forwhat’stocome，topleasureyouI’mwillingtomarrymycousin。So，pray，let’sallbefriends，sheandIareagreeduponthematterbeforeawitness。
LADY。How’sthis，dearniece？HaveIanycomfort？Canthisbetrue？
MILLA。Iamcontenttobeasacrificetoyourrepose，madam，andtoconvinceyouthatIhadnohandintheplot，asyouweremisinformed。IhavelaidmycommandsonMirabelltocomeinperson，andbeawitnessthatIgivemyhandtothisflowerofknighthood；
andforthecontractthatpassedbetweenMirabellandme，Ihaveobligedhimtomakearesignationofitinyourladyship’spresence。
Heiswithoutandwaitsyourleaveforadmittance。
LADY。Well，I’llswearIamsomethingrevivedatthistestimonyofyourobedience；butIcannotadmitthattraitor，——IfearIcannotfortifymyselftosupporthisappearance。HeisasterribletomeasaGorgon：ifIseehimIswearIshallturntostone，petrifyincessantly。
MILLA。Ifyoudisobligehimhemayresentyourrefusal，andinsistuponthecontractstill。Then’tisthelasttimehewillbeoffensivetoyou。
LADY。Areyousureitwillbethelasttime？IfIweresureofthat——shallIneverseehimagain？
MILLA。SirWilfull，youandhearetotraveltogether，areyounot？
SIRWIL。’Sheart，thegentleman’sacivilgentleman，aunt，lethimcomein；why，weareswornbrothersandfellow—travellers。WearetobePyladesandOrestes，heandI。Heistobemyinterpreterinforeignparts。Hehasbeenoverseasoncealready；andwithprovisothatImarrymycousin，willcross’emonceagain，onlytobearmecompany。’Sheart，I’llcallhimin，——anIseton’tonce，heshallcomein；andseewho’llhinderhim。[Goestothedoorandhems。]
MRS。MAR。Thisispreciousfooling，ifitwouldpass；butI’llknowthebottomofit。
LADY。OdearMarwood，youarenotgoing？
MRS。MAR。Notfar，madam；I’llreturnimmediately。
SCENEIX。
LADYWISHFORT，MRS。MILLAMANT，SIRWILFULL，MIRABELL。
SIRWIL。Lookup，man，I’llstandbyyou；’sbud，anshedofrown，shecan’tkillyou。Besides——harkee，shedarenotfrowndesperately，becauseherfaceisnoneofherown。’Sheart，ansheshould，herforeheadwouldwrinklelikethecoatofacreamcheese；
butmumforthat，fellow—traveller。
MIRA。IfadeepsenseofthemanyinjuriesIhaveofferedtosogoodalady，withasincereremorseandaheartycontrition，canbutobtaintheleastglanceofcompassion。Iamtoohappy。Ah，madam，therewasatime——butletitbeforgotten。IconfessIhavedeservedlyforfeitedthehighplaceIonceheld，ofsighingatyourfeet；nay，killmenotbyturningfrommeindisdain，Icomenottopleadforfavour。Nay，notforpardon：Iamasuppliantonlyforpity：—IamgoingwhereInevershallbeholdyoumore。
SIRWIL。How，fellow—traveller？Youshallgobyyourselfthen。
MIRA。Letmebepitiedfirst，andafterwardsforgotten。Iasknomore。
SIRWIL。By’rlady，averyreasonablerequest，andwillcostyounothing，aunt。Come，come，forgiveandforget，aunt。WhyyoumustanyouareaChristian。
MIRA。Consider，madam；inrealityyoucouldnotreceivemuchprejudice：itwasaninnocentdevice，thoughIconfessithadafaceofguiltiness——itwasatmostanartificewhichlovecontrived—
—anderrorswhichloveproduceshaveeverbeenaccountedvenial。AtleastthinkitispunishmentenoughthatIhavelostwhatinmyheartIholdmostdear，thattoyourcruelindignationIhaveofferedupthisbeauty，andwithhermypeaceandquiet；nay，allmyhopesoffuturecomfort。
SIRWIL。Anhedoesnotmoveme，wouldImayneverbeo’thequorum。Anitwerenotasgoodadeedastodrink，togivehertohimagain，IwouldImightnevertakeshipping。Aunt，ifyoudon’tforgivequickly，Ishallmelt，Icantellyouthat。Mycontractwentnofartherthanalittlemouth—glue，andthat’shardlydry；onedolefulsighmorefrommyfellow—travellerand’tisdissolved。
LADY。Well，nephew，uponyouraccount。Ah，hehasafalseinsinuatingtongue。Well，sir，Iwillstiflemyjustresentmentatmynephew’srequest。IwillendeavourwhatIcantoforget，butonprovisothatyouresignthecontractwithmynieceimmediately。
MIRA。Itisinwritingandwithpapersofconcern；butIhavesentmyservantforit，andwilldeliverittoyou，withallacknowledgmentsforyourtranscendentgoodness。
LADY。Oh，hehaswitchcraftinhiseyesandtongue；whenIdidnotseehimIcouldhavebribedavillaintohisassassination；buthisappearancerakestheemberswhichhavesolonglainsmotheredinmybreast。[Aside。]
SCENEX。
[Tothem]FAINALL，MRS。MARWOOD。
FAIN。Yourdateofdeliberation，madam，isexpired。Hereistheinstrument；areyoupreparedtosign？
LADY。IfIwereprepared，Iamnotimpowered。Mynieceexertsalawfulclaim，havingmatchedherselfbymydirectiontoSirWilfull。
FAIN。Thatshamistoogrosstopassonme，though’tisimposedonyou，madam。
MILLA。Sir，Ihavegivenmyconsent。
MIRA。And，sir，Ihaveresignedmypretensions。
SIRWIL。And，sir，Iassertmyright；andwillmaintainitindefianceofyou，sir，andofyourinstrument。’Sheart，anyoutalkofaninstrumentsir，Ihaveanoldfoxbymythighshallhackyourinstrumentoframvellumtoshreds，sir。ItshallnotbesufficientforaMittimusoratailor’smeasure；thereforewithdrawyourinstrument，sir，or，by’rlady，Ishalldrawmine。
LADY。Hold，nephew，hold。
MILLA。GoodSirWilfull，respiteyourvalour。
FAIN。Indeed？Areyouprovidedofyourguard，withyoursinglebeef—eaterthere？ButI’mpreparedforyou，andinsistuponmyfirstproposal。Youshallsubmityourownestatetomymanagement，andabsolutelymakeovermywife’stomysoleuse，aspursuanttothepurportandtenorofthisothercovenant。Isuppose，madam，yourconsentisnotrequisiteinthiscase；nor，Mr。Mirabell，yourresignation；nor，SirWilfull，yourright。Youmaydrawyourfoxifyouplease，sir，andmakeabear—gardenflourishsomewhereelse；forhereitwillnotavail。This，myLadyWishfort，mustbesubscribed，oryourdarlingdaughter’sturnedadrift，likealeakyhulktosinkorswim，assheandthecurrentofthislewdtowncanagree。
LADY。Istherenomeans，noremedy，tostopmyruin？Ungratefulwretch!Dostthounotowethybeing，thysubsistance，tomydaughter’sfortune？
FAIN。I’llansweryouwhenIhavetherestofitinmypossession。
MIRA。Butthatyouwouldnotacceptofaremedyfrommyhands——I
ownIhavenotdeservedyoushouldoweanyobligationtome；orelse，perhaps，Icoulddevise—
LADY。Oh，what？what？Tosavemeandmychildfromruin，fromwant，I’llforgiveallthat’spast；nay，I’llconsenttoanythingtocome，tobedeliveredfromthistyranny。
MIRA。Ay，madam；butthatistoolate，myrewardisintercepted。
Youhavedisposedofherwhoonlycouldhavemademeacompensationforallmyservices。Butbeitasitmay，IamresolvedI’llserveyou；youshallnotbewrongedinthissavagemanner。
LADY。How？DearMr。Mirabell，canyoubesogenerousatlast？Butitisnotpossible。Harkee，I’llbreakmynephew’smatch；youshallhavemynieceyet，andallherfortune，ifyoucanbutsavemefromthisimminentdanger。
MIRA。Willyou？Itakeyouatyourword。Iasknomore。Imusthaveleavefortwocriminalstoappear。
LADY。Ay，ay，anybody，anybody。
MIRA。Foibleisone，andapenitent。
SCENEXI。
[Tothem]MRS。FAINALL，FOIBLE，MINCING。
MRS。MAR。Omyshame![MIRABELLandLADYgotoMRS。FAINALLandFOIBLE。]Thesecurruptthingsarebroughthithertoexposeme。[ToFAINALL。]
FAIN。Ifitmustallcomeout，whylet’emknowit，’tisbutthewayoftheworld。Thatshallnoturgemetorelinquishorabateonetittleofmyterms；no，Iwillinsistthemore。
FOIB。Yes，indeed，madam；I’lltakemybible—oathofit。
MINC。AndsowillI，mem。
LADY。OMarwood，Marwood，artthoufalse？Myfrienddeceiveme？
Hastthoubeenawickedaccomplicewiththatprofligateman？
MRS。MAR。Haveyousomuchingratitudeandinjusticetogivecredit，againstyourfriend，totheaspersionsoftwosuchmercenarytrulls？
MINC。Mercenary，mem？Iscornyourwords。’TistruewefoundyouandMr。Fainallinthebluegarret；bythesametoken，yousworeustosecrecyuponMessalinas’spoems。Mercenary？No，ifwewouldhavebeenmercenary，weshouldhaveheldourtongues；youwouldhavebribedussufficiently。
FAIN。Go，youareaninsignificantthing。Well，whatareyouthebetterforthis？IsthisMr。Mirabell’sexpedient？I’llbeputoffnolonger。You，thing，thatwasawife，shallsmartforthis。I
willnotleavetheewherewithaltohidethyshame：yourbodyshallbenakedasyourreputation。
MRS。FAIN。Idespiseyouanddefyyourmalice。Youhaveaspersedmewrongfully——Ihaveprovedyourfalsehood。Go，youandyourtreacherous——Iwillnotnameit，butstarvetogether。Perish。
FAIN。Notwhileyouareworthagroat，indeed，mydear。Madam，I’llbefoolednolonger。
LADY。Ah，Mr。Mirabell，thisissmallcomfort，thedetectionofthisaffair。
MIRA。Oh，ingoodtime。Yourleavefortheotheroffenderandpenitenttoappear，madam。
SCENEXII。
[Tothem]WAITWELLwithaboxofwritings。
LADY。OSirRowland!Well，rascal？
WAIT。Whatyourladyshippleases。Ihavebroughttheblackboxatlast，madam。
MIRA。Giveitme。Madam，yourememberyourpromise。
LADY。Ay，dearsir。
MIRA。Wherearethegentlemen？
WAIT。Athand，sir，rubbingtheireyes，——justrisenfromsleep。
FAIN。’Sdeath，what’sthistome？I’llnotwaityourprivateconcerns。
SCENEXIII。
[Tothem]PETULANT，WITWOUD。
PET。Hownow？What’sthematter？Whosehand’sout？
WIT。Heyday!What，areyouallgottogether，likeplayersattheendofthelastact？
MIRA。Youmayremember，gentlemen，Ioncerequestedyourhandsaswitnessestoacertainparchment。
WIT。Ay，Ido，myhandIremember——Petulantsethismark。
MIRA。Youwronghim；hisnameisfairlywritten，asshallappear。
Youdonotremember，gentlemen，anythingofwhatthatparchmentcontained？[Undoingthebox。]
WIT。No。
PET。NotI。Iwrit；Ireadnothing。
MIRA。Verywell，nowyoushallknow。Madam，yourpromise。
LADY。Ay，ay，sir，uponmyhonour。
MIRA。Mr。Fainall，itisnowtimethatyoushouldknowthatyourlady，whileshewasatherowndisposal，andbeforeyouhadbyyourinsinuationswheedledheroutofapretendedsettlementofthegreatestpartofherfortune—
FAIN。Sir!Pretended？
MIRA。Yes，sir。Isaythatthislady，whileawidow，having，itseems，receivedsomecautionsrespectingyourinconstancyandtyrannyoftemper，whichfromherownpartialopinionandfondnessofyoushecouldneverhavesuspected——shedid，Isay，bythewholesomeadviceoffriendsandofsageslearnedinthelawsofthisland，deliverthissameasheractanddeedtomeintrust，andtotheuseswithinmentioned。Youmayreadifyouplease[holdingouttheparchment]，thoughperhapswhatiswrittenonthebackmayserveyouroccasions。
FAIN。Verylikely，sir。What’shere？Damnation![Reads]ADEED
OFCONVEYANCEOFTHEWHOLEESTATEREALOFARABELLALANGUISH，WIDOW，INTRUSTTOEDWARDMIRABELL。Confusion!
MIRA。Evenso，sir：’tisthewayoftheworld，sir；ofthewidowsoftheworld。Isupposethisdeedmaybearanelderdatethanwhatyouhaveobtainedfromyourlady。
FAIN。Perfidiousfiend!ThenthusI’llberevenged。[OfferstorunatMRS。FAINALL。]
SIRWIL。Hold，sir；nowyoumaymakeyourbear—gardenflourishsomewhereelse，sir。
FAIN。Mirabell，youshallhearofthis，sir；besureyoushall。
Letmepass，oaf。
MRS。FAIN。Madam，youseemtostifleyourresentment。Youhadbettergiveitvent。
MRS。MAR。Yes，itshallhavevent，andtoyourconfusion，orI’llperishintheattempt。
SCENEtheLast。
LADYWISHFORT，MRS。MILLAMANT，MIRABELL，MRS。FAINALL，SIRWILFULL，PETULANT，WITWOUD，FOIBLE，MINCING，WAITWELL。
LADY。Odaughter，daughter，’tisplainthouhastinheritedthymother’sprudence。
MRS。FAIN。ThankMr。Mirabell，acautiousfriend，towhoseadviceallisowing。
LADY。Well，Mr。Mirabell，youhavekeptyourpromise，andImustperformmine。First，IpardonforyoursakeSirRowlandthereandFoible。Thenextthingistobreakthemattertomynephew，andhowtodothat—
MIRA。Forthat，madam，giveyourselfnotrouble；letmehaveyourconsent。SirWilfullismyfriend：hehashadcompassionuponlovers，andgenerouslyengagedavolunteerinthisaction，forourservice，andnowdesignstoprosecutehistravels。
SIRWIL。’Sheart，aunt，Ihavenomindtomarry。Mycousin’safinelady，andthegentlemanlovesherandsheloveshim，andtheydeserveoneanother；myresolutionistoseeforeignparts。Ihaveseton’t，andwhenI’mseton’tImustdo’t。Andifthesetwogentlemenwouldtraveltoo，Ithinktheymaybespared。
PET。Formypart，Isaylittle。Ithinkthingsarebestofforon。
WIT。I’gad，Iunderstandnothingofthematter：I’minamazeyet，likeadoginadancingschool。
LADY。Well，sir，takeher，andwithherallthejoyIcangiveyou。
MILLA。Whydoesnotthemantakeme？Wouldyouhavemegivemyselftoyouoveragain？
MIRA。Ay，andoverandoveragain。[Kissesherhand。]IwouldhaveyouasoftenaspossiblyIcan。Well，heav’ngrantIloveyounottoowell；that’sallmyfear。
SIRWIL。’Sheart，you’llhavetimeenoughtotoyafteryou’remarried，or，ifyouwilltoynow，letushaveadanceinthemeantime；thatwewhoarenotloversmayhavesomeotheremploymentbesideslookingon。
MIRA。Withallmyheart，dearSirWilfull。Whatshallwedoformusic？
FOIB。Oh，sir，somethatwereprovidedforSirRowland’sentertainmentareyetwithincall。[Adance。]
LADY。AsIamaperson，Icanholdoutnolonger：Ihavewastedmyspiritssoto—dayalreadythatIamreadytosinkunderthefatigue；
andIcannotbuthavesomefearsuponmeyet，thatmysonFainallwillpursuesomedesperatecourse。
MIRA。Madam，disquietnotyourselfonthataccount：tomyknowledgehiscircumstancesaresuchhemustofforcecomply。FormypartIwillcontributeallthatinmeliestoareunion。Inthemeantime，madam[toMRS。FAINALL]，letmebeforethesewitnessesrestoretoyouthisdeedoftrust：itmaybeameans，wellmanaged，tomakeyouliveeasilytogether。
Fromhenceletthosebewarned，whomeantowed，Lestmutualfalsehoodstainthebridal—bed：
ForeachdeceivertohiscostmayfindThatmarriagefraudstoooftarepaidinkind。
[ExeuntOmnes。]
EPILOGUE——SpokenbyMrs。Bracegirdle。
AfterourEpiloguethiscrowddismisses，I’mthinkinghowthisplay’llbepulledtopieces。
Butprayconsider，e’eryoudoomitsfall，Howhardathing’twouldbetopleaseyouall。
Therearesomecriticssowithspleendiseased，Theyscarcelycomeincliningtobepleased：
AndsurehemusthavemorethanmortalskillWhopleasesanyoneagainsthiswill。
Then，allbadpoetswearesurearefoes，Andhowtheirnumber’sswelledthetownwellknowsInshoals，I’vemarked’emjudginginthepit；
Thoughthey’reonnopretenceforjudgmentfit，Butthattheyhavebeendamnedforwantofwit。
Sincewhen，they，bytheirownoffencestaught，Setupforspiesonplays，andfindingfault。
Otherstherearewhosemalicewe’dprevent：
Such，whowatchplays，withscurrilousintentTomarkoutwhobycharactersaremeant：
Andthoughnoperfectlikenesstheycantrace，Yeteachpretendstoknowthecopiedface。
These，withfalseglosses，feedtheirownill—nature，Andturntolibelwhatwasmeantasatire。
Maysuchmaliciousfopsthisfortunefind，Tothinkthemselvesalonethefoolsdesigned：
Ifanyaresoarrogantlyvain，Tothinktheysinglycansupportascene，Andfurnishfoolenoughtoentertain。
Forwellthelearnedandthejudiciousknow，Thatsatirescornstostoopsomeanlylow，Asanyoneabstractedfoptoshow。
For，aswhenpaintersformamatchlessface，Theyfromeachfaironecatchsomediff’rentgrace，Andshiningfeaturesinoneportraitblend，Towhichnosinglebeautymustpretend：
SopoetsoftdoinonepieceexposeWholeBELLESASSEMBLEESofcoquettesandbeaux。