SCENEV。
[Tothem]MRS。MILLAMANT，WITWOUD，MINCING。
MIRA。Hereshecomes，i’faith，fullsail，withherfanspreadandstreamersout，andashoaloffoolsfortenders。——Ha，no，Icryhermercy。
MRS。FAIN。Iseebutonepooremptysculler，andhetowsherwomanafterhim。
MIRA。Youseemtobeunattended，madam。YouusedtohavetheBEAU
MONDEthrongafteryou，andaflockofgayfineperukeshoveringroundyou。
WIT。Likemothsaboutacandle。Ihadliketohavelostmycomparisonforwantofbreath。
MILLA。Oh，Ihavedeniedmyselfairsto—day。Ihavewalkedasfastthroughthecrowd—
WIT。Asafavouritejustdisgraced，andwithasfewfollowers。
MILLA。DearMr。Witwoud，trucewithyoursimilitudes，forIamassickof’em—
WIT。Asaphysicianofagoodair。Icannothelpit，madam，though’tisagainstmyself。
MILLA。Yetagain!Mincing，standbetweenmeandhiswit。
WIT。Do，Mrs。Mincing，likeascreenbeforeagreatfire。I
confessIdoblazeto—day；Iamtoobright。
MRS。FAIN。But，dearMillamant，whywereyousolong？
MILLA。Long!Lord，haveInotmadeviolenthaste？IhaveaskedeverylivingthingImetforyou；Ihaveenquiredafteryou，asafteranewfashion。
WIT。Madam，trucewithyoursimilitudes。——No，youmetherhusband，anddidnotaskhimforher。
MIRA。Byyourleave，Witwoud，thatwerelikeenquiringafteranoldfashiontoaskahusbandforhiswife。
WIT。Hum，ahit，ahit，apalpablehit；Iconfessit。
MRS。FAIN。YouweredressedbeforeIcameabroad。
MILLA。Ay，that’strue。Oh，butthenIhad——Mincing，whathadI？
WhywasIsolong？
MINC。Omem，yourlashipstayedtoperuseapacketofletters。
MILLA。Oh，ay，letters——Ihadletters——Iampersecutedwithletters——Ihateletters。Nobodyknowshowtowriteletters；andyetonehas’em，onedoesnotknowwhy。Theyserveonetopinupone’shair。
WIT。Isthattheway？Pray，madam，doyoupinupyourhairwithallyourletters？IfindImustkeepcopies。
MILLA。Onlywiththoseinverse，Mr。Witwoud。Ineverpinupmyhairwithprose。IthinkItriedonce，Mincing。
MINC。Omem，Ishallneverforgetit。
MILLA。Ay，poorMincingtiftandtiftallthemorning。
MINC。TillIhadthecrampinmyfingers，I’llvow，mem。Andalltonopurpose。Butwhenyourlashippinsitupwithpoetry，itfitssopleasantthenextdayasanything，andissopureandsocrips。
WIT。Indeed，socrips？
MINC。You’resuchacritic，Mr。Witwoud。
MILLA。Mirabell，didyoutakeexceptionslastnight？Oh，ay，andwentaway。NowIthinkon’tI’mangry——no，nowIthinkon’tI’mpleased：—forIbelieveIgaveyousomepain。
MIRA。Doesthatpleaseyou？
MILLA。Infinitely；Ilovetogivepain。
MIRA。Youwouldaffectacrueltywhichisnotinyournature；yourtruevanityisinthepowerofpleasing。
MILLA。Oh，Iaskyourpardonforthat。One’scrueltyisone’spower，andwhenonepartswithone’scrueltyonepartswithone’spower，andwhenonehaspartedwiththat，Ifancyone’soldandugly。
MIRA。Ay，ay；sufferyourcrueltytoruintheobjectofyourpower，todestroyyourlover——andthenhowvain，howlostathingyou’llbe!Nay，’tistrue；youarenolongerhandsomewhenyou’velostyourlover：yourbeautydiesupontheinstant。Forbeautyisthelover’sgift：’tishebestowsyourcharms：—yourglassisallacheat。Theuglyandtheold，whomthelooking—glassmortifies，yetaftercommendationcanbeflatteredbyit，anddiscoverbeautiesinit：forthatreflectsourpraisesratherthanyourface。
MILLA。Oh，thevanityofthesemen!Fainall，d’yehearhim？Iftheydidnotcommendus，wewerenothandsome!Nowyoumustknowtheycouldnotcommendoneifonewasnothandsome。Beautythelover’sgift!Lord，whatisalover，thatitcangive？Why，onemakesloversasfastasonepleases，andtheyliveaslongasonepleases，andtheydieassoonasonepleases；andthen，ifonepleases，onemakesmore。
WIT。Verypretty。Why，youmakenomoreofmakingoflovers，madam，thanofmakingsomanycard—matches。
MILLA。Onenomoreowesone’sbeautytoaloverthanone’swittoanecho。Theycanbutreflectwhatwelookandsay：vainemptythingsifwearesilentorunseen，andwantabeing。
MIRA。Yet，tothosetwovainemptythings，youowetwothegreatestpleasuresofyourlife。
MILLA。Howso？
MIRA。Toyourloveryouowethepleasureofhearingyourselvespraised，andtoanechothepleasureofhearingyourselvestalk。
WIT。ButIknowaladythatlovestalkingsoincessantly，shewon’tgiveanechofairplay；shehasthateverlastingrotationoftonguethatanechomustwaittillshediesbeforeitcancatchherlastwords。
MILLA。Oh，fiction；Fainall，letusleavethesemen。
MIRA。DrawoffWitwoud。[AsidetoMRS。FAINALL。]
MRS。FAIN。Immediately；IhaveawordortwoforMr。Witwoud。
SCENEVI。
MRS。MILLAMANT，MIRABELL，MINCING。
MIRA。Iwouldbegalittleprivateaudiencetoo。Youhadthetyrannytodenymelastnight，thoughyouknewIcametoimpartasecrettoyouthatconcernedmylove。
MILLA。YousawIwasengaged。
MIRA。Unkind!Youhadtheleisuretoentertainaherdoffools：
thingswhovisityoufromtheirexcessiveidleness，bestowingonyoureasinessthattimewhichistheincumbranceoftheirlives。
Howcanyoufinddelightinsuchsociety？Itisimpossibletheyshouldadmireyou；theyarenotcapable；or，iftheywere，itshouldbetoyouasamortification：for，sure，topleaseafoolissomedegreeoffolly。
MILLA。Ipleasemyself。——Besides，sometimestoconversewithfoolsisformyhealth。
MIRA。Yourhealth!Isthereaworsediseasethantheconversationoffools？
MILLA。Yes，thevapours；foolsarephysicforit，nexttoassafoetida。
MIRA。Youarenotinacourseoffools？
MILLA。Mirabell，ifyoupersistinthisoffensivefreedomyou’lldispleaseme。IthinkImustresolveafterallnottohaveyou：—weshan’tagree。
MIRA。Notinourphysic，itmaybe。
MILLA。Andyetourdistemperinalllikelihoodwillbethesame；
forweshallbesickofoneanother。Ishan’tenduretobereprimandednorinstructed；’tissodulltoactalwaysbyadvice，andsotedioustobetoldofone’sfaults，Ican’tbearit。Well，I
won’thaveyou，Mirabell——I’mresolved——Ithink——youmaygo——ha，ha，ha!Whatwouldyougivethatyoucouldhelplovingme？
MIRA。IwouldgivesomethingthatyoudidnotknowIcouldnothelpit。
MILLA。Come，don’tlookgravethen。Well，whatdoyousaytome？
MIRA。Isaythatamanmayassoonmakeafriendbyhiswit，orafortunebyhishonesty，aswinawomanwithplain—dealingandsincerity。
MILLA。SententiousMirabell!Pritheedon’tlookwiththatviolentandinflexiblewiseface，likeSolomonatthedividingofthechildinanoldtapestryhanging!
MIRA。Youaremerry，madam，butIwouldpersuadeyouforamomenttobeserious。
MILLA。What，withthatface？No，ifyoukeepyourcountenance，’tisimpossibleIshouldholdmine。Well，afterall，thereissomethingverymovinginalovesickface。Ha，ha，ha!WellIwon’tlaugh；don’tbepeevish。Heigho!NowI’llbemelancholy，asmelancholyasawatch—light。Well，Mirabell，ifeveryouwillwinme，woomenow。——Nay，ifyouaresotedious，fareyouwell：Iseetheyarewalkingaway。
MIRA。Canyounotfindinthevarietyofyourdispositiononemoment—
MILLA。TohearyoutellmeFoible’smarried，andyourplotliketospeed？No。
MIRA。Buthowyoucametoknowit—
MILLA。Withoutthehelpofthedevil，youcan’timagine；unlesssheshouldtellmeherself。Whichofthetwoitmayhavebeen，Iwillleaveyoutoconsider；andwhenyouhavedonethinkingofthat，thinkofme。
SCENEVII。
MIRABELLalone。
MIRA。Ihavesomethingmore。——Gone!Thinkofyou？Tothinkofawhirlwind，though’twereinawhirlwind，wereacaseofmoresteadycontemplation，averytranquillityofmindandmansion。Afellowthatlivesinawindmillhasnotamorewhimsicaldwellingthantheheartofamanthatislodgedinawoman。Thereisnopointofthecompasstowhichtheycannotturn，andbywhichtheyarenotturned，andbyoneaswellasanother；formotion，notmethod，istheiroccupation。Toknowthis，andyetcontinuetobeinlove，istobemadewisefromthedictatesofreason，andyetperseveretoplaythefoolbytheforceofinstinct。——Oh，herecomemypairofturtles。
What，billingsosweetly？IsnotValentine’sdayoverwithyouyet？
SCENEVIII。
[Tohim]WAITWELL，FOIBLE。
MIRA。Sirrah，Waitwell，why，sure，youthinkyouweremarriedforyourownrecreationandnotformyconveniency。
WAIT。Yourpardon，sir。Withsubmission，wehaveindeedbeensolacinginlawfuldelights；butstillwithaneyetobusiness，sir。
IhaveinstructedheraswellasIcould。Ifshecantakeyourdirectionsasreadilyasmyinstructions，sir，youraffairsareinaprosperousway。
MIRA。Giveyoujoy，Mrs。Foible。
FOIB。O——las，sir，I’msoashamed。——I’mafraidmyladyhasbeeninathousandinquietudesforme。ButIprotest，sir，ImadeasmuchhasteasIcould。
WAIT。Thatshedidindeed，sir。Itwasmyfaultthatshedidnotmakemore。
MIRA。ThatIbelieve。
FOIB。ButItoldmyladyasyouinstructedme，sir，thatIhadaprospectofseeingSirRowland，youruncle，andthatIwouldputherladyship’spictureinmypockettoshowhim，whichI’llbesuretosayhasmadehimsoenamouredofherbeauty，thatheburnswithimpatiencetolieatherladyship’sfeetandworshiptheoriginal。
MIRA。ExcellentFoible!Matrimonyhasmadeyoueloquentinlove。
WAIT。Ithinkshehasprofited，sir。Ithinkso。
FOIB。YouhaveseenMadamMillamant，sir？
MIRA。Yes。
FOIB。Itoldher，sir，becauseIdidnotknowthatyoumightfindanopportunity；shehadsomuchcompanylastnight。
MIRA。Yourdiligencewillmeritmore。Inthemeantime——[givesmoney]
FOIB。Odearsir，yourhumbleservant。
WAIT。Spouse—
MIRA。Standoff，sir，notapenny。Goonandprosper，Foible。Theleaseshallbemadegoodandthefarmstocked，ifwesucceed。
FOIB。Idon’tquestionyourgenerosity，sir，andyouneednotdoubtofsuccess。Ifyouhavenomorecommands，sir，I’llbegone；I’msuremyladyisathertoilet，andcan’tdresstillIcome。Ohdear，I’msurethat[lookingout]wasMrs。Marwoodthatwentbyinamask；ifshehasseenmewithyouImsureshe’lltellmylady。
I’llmakehastehomeandpreventher。Yourservant，Sir。——B’w’y，Waitwell。
SCENEIX。
MIRABELL，WAITWELL。
WAIT。SirRowland，ifyouplease。Thejade’ssopertuponherprefermentsheforgetsherself。
MIRA。Come，sir，willyouendeavourtoforgetyourself——andtransformintoSirRowland？
WAIT。Why，sir，itwillbeimpossibleIshouldremembermyself。
Married，knighted，andattendedallinoneday!’Tisenoughtomakeanymanforgethimself。Thedifficultywillbehowtorecovermyacquaintanceandfamiliaritywithmyformerself，andfallfrommytransformationtoareformationintoWaitwell。Nay，Ishan’tbequitethesameWaitwellneither——fornowIrememberme，I’mmarried，andcan’tbemyownmanagain。
Ay，there’smygrief；that’sthesadchangeoflife：
Tolosemytitle，andyetkeepmywife。
ACTIII。——SCENEI。
AroominLadyWishfort’shouse。
LADYWISHFORTathertoilet，PEGwaiting。
LADY。Merciful!NonewsofFoibleyet？
PEG。No，madam。
LADY。Ihavenomorepatience。IfIhavenotfrettedmyselftillI
ampaleagain，there’snoveracityinme。Fetchmethered——thered，doyouhear，sweetheart？Anerrantashcolour，asI’maperson。Lookyouhowthiswenchstirs!Whydostthounotfetchmealittlered？Didstthounothearme，Mopus？
PEG。Theredratafia，doesyourladyshipmean，orthecherrybrandy？
LADY。Ratafia，fool？No，fool。Nottheratafia，fool——grantmepatience!——ImeantheSpanishpaper，idiot；complexion，darling。
Paint，paint，paint，dostthouunderstandthat，changeling，danglingthyhandslikebobbinsbeforethee？Whydostthounotstir，puppet？
Thouwoodenthinguponwires!
PEG。Lord，madam，yourladyshipissoimpatient。——Icannotcomeatthepaint，madam：Mrs。Foiblehaslockeditup，andcarriedthekeywithher。
LADY。Apoxtakeyouboth。——Fetchmethecherrybrandythen。
SCENEII。
LADYWISHFORT。
I’maspaleandasfaint，IlooklikeMrs。Qualmsick，thecurate’swife，that’salwaysbreeding。Wench，come，come，wench，whatartthoudoing？Sipping？Tasting？Savethee，dostthounotknowthebottle？
SCENEIII。
LADYWISHFORT，PEGwithabottleandchinacup。
PEG。Madam，Iwaslookingforacup。
LADY。Acup，savethee，andwhatacuphastthoubrought!Dostthoutakemeforafairy，todrinkoutofanacorn？Whydidstthounotbringthythimble？Hastthoune’erabrassthimbleclinkinginthypocketwithabitofnutmeg？Iwarrantthee。Come，fill，fill。
So，again。Seewhothatis。[Oneknocks。]Setdownthebottlefirst。Here，here，underthetable：—what，wouldstthougowiththebottleinthyhandlikeatapster？AsI’maperson，thiswenchhaslivedinaninnupontheroad，beforeshecametome，likeMaritornestheAsturianinDonQuixote。NoFoibleyet？
PEG。No，madam；Mrs。Marwood。
LADY。Oh，Marwood：lethercomein。Comein，goodMarwood。
SCENEIV。
[Tothem]MRSMARWOOD。
MRS。MAR。I’msurprisedtofindyourladyshipinDESHABILLEatthistimeofday。
LADY。Foible’salostthing；hasbeenabroadsincemorning，andneverheardofsince。
MRS。MAR。Isawherbutnow，asIcamemaskedthroughthepark，inconferencewithMirabell。
LADY。WithMirabell？Youcallmybloodintomyfacewithmentioningthattraitor。Shedurstnothavetheconfidence。Isenthertonegotiateanaffair，inwhichifI’mdetectedI’mundone。IfthatwheedlingvillainhaswroughtuponFoibletodetectme，I’mruined。Omydearfriend，I’mawretchofwretchesifI’mdetected。
MRS。MAR。Omadam，youcannotsuspectMrs。Foible’sintegrity。
LADY。Oh，hecarriespoisoninhistonguethatwouldcorruptintegrityitself。Ifshehasgivenhimanopportunity，shehasasgoodasputherintegrityintohishands。Ah，dearMarwood，what’sintegritytoanopportunity？Hark!Ihearher。Dearfriend，retireintomycloset，thatImayexamineherwithmorefreedom——
you’llpardonme，dearfriend，Icanmakeboldwithyou——therearebooksoverthechimney——QuarlesandPryn，andtheSHORTVIEWOFTHE
STAGE，withBunyan’sworkstoentertainyou。——Go，youthing，andsendherin。[ToPEG。]
SCENEV。
LADYWISHFORT，FOIBLE。
LADY。OFoible，wherehastthoubeen？Whathastthoubeendoing？
FOIB。Madam，Ihaveseentheparty。
LADY。Butwhathastthoudone？
FOIB。Nay，’tisyourladyshiphasdone，andaretodo；Ihaveonlypromised。Butamansoenamoured——sotransported!Well，ifworshippingofpicturesbeasin——poorSirRowland，Isay。
LADY。Theminiaturehasbeencountedlike。Buthastthounotbetrayedme，Foible？HastthounotdetectedmetothatfaithlessMirabell？Whathastthoutodowithhiminthepark？Answerme，hashegotnothingoutofthee？
FOIB。So，thedevilhasbeenbeforehandwithme；whatshallIsay？—
—Alas，madam，couldIhelpit，ifImetthatconfidentthing？WasI
infault？Ifyouhadheardhowheusedme，andalluponyourladyship’saccount，I’msureyouwouldnotsuspectmyfidelity。
Nay，ifthathadbeentheworstIcouldhaveborne：buthehadaflingatyourladyshiptoo，andthenIcouldnothold；but，i’faithIgavehimhisown。
LADY。Me？Whatdidthefilthyfellowsay？
FOIB。Omadam，’tisashametosaywhathesaid，withhistauntsandhisfleers，tossinguphisnose。Humh，sayshe，what，youarea—hatchingsomeplot，sayshe，youaresoearlyabroad，orcatering，sayshe，ferretingforsomedisbandedofficer，Iwarrant。Halfpayisbutthinsubsistence，sayshe。Well，whatpensiondoesyourladypropose？Letmesee，sayshe，what，shemustcomedownprettydeepnow，she’ssuperannuated，sayshe，and—
LADY。Odsmylife，I’llhavehim——I’llhavehimmurdered。I’llhavehimpoisoned。Wheredoesheeat？I’llmarryadrawertohavehimpoisonedinhiswine。I’llsendforRobinfromLocket’s——
immediately。
FOIB。Poisonhim？Poisoning’stoogoodforhim。Starvehim，madam，starvehim；marrySirRowland，andgethimdisinherited。Oh，youwouldblessyourselftohearwhathesaid。
LADY。Avillain；superannuated？
FOIB。Humh，sayshe，Ihearyouarelayingdesignsagainstmetoo，sayshe，andMrs。Millamantistomarrymyuncle（hedoesnotsuspectawordofyourladyship）；but，sayshe，I’llfityouforthat，Iwarrantyou，sayshe，I’llhamperyouforthat，sayshe，youandyouroldfripperytoo，sayshe，I’llhandleyou—
LADY。Audaciousvillain!Handleme？Wouldhedurst？Frippery？
Oldfrippery？Wasthereeversuchafoul—mouthedfellow？I’llbemarriedto—morrow，I’llbecontractedto—night。
FOIB。Thesoonerthebetter，madam。
LADY。WillSirRowlandbehere，say’stthou？When，Foible？
FOIB。Incontinently，madam。Nonewsheriff’swifeexpectsthereturnofherhusbandafterknighthoodwiththatimpatienceinwhichSirRowlandburnsforthedearhourofkissingyourladyship’shandafterdinner。
LADY。Frippery？Superannuatedfrippery？I’llfripperythevillain；I’llreducehimtofripperyandrags，atatterdemalion!——I
hopetoseehimhungwithtatters，likeaLongLanepent—house，oragibbetthief。Aslander—mouthedrailer!Iwarrantthespendthriftprodigal’sindebtasmuchasthemillionlottery，orthewholecourtuponabirthday。I’llspoilhiscreditwithhistailor。Yes，heshallhavemyniecewithherfortune，heshall。
FOIB。He？IhopetoseehimlodgeinLudgatefirst，andangleintoBlackfriarsforbrassfarthingswithanoldmitten。
LADY。Ay，dearFoible；thanktheeforthat，dearFoible。Hehasputmeoutofallpatience。IshallneverrecomposemyfeaturestoreceiveSirRowlandwithanyeconomyofface。ThiswretchhasfrettedmethatIamabsolutelydecayed。Look，Foible。
FOIB。Yourladyshiphasfrownedalittletoorashly，indeed，madam。
Therearesomecracksdiscernibleinthewhitevernish。
LADY。Letmeseetheglass。Cracks，say’stthou？Why，Iamarrantlyflayed：Ilooklikeanoldpeeledwall。Thoumustrepairme，Foible，beforeSirRowlandcomes，orIshallneverkeepuptomypicture。
FOIB。Iwarrantyou，madam：alittleartoncemadeyourpicturelikeyou，andnowalittleofthesameartmustmakeyoulikeyourpicture。Yourpicturemustsitforyou，madam。
LADY。ButartthousureSirRowlandwillnotfailtocome？Orwillanotfailwhenhedoescome？Willhebeimportunate，Foible，andpush？ForifheshouldnotbeimportunateIshallneverbreakdecorums。IshalldiewithconfusionifIamforcedtoadvance——ohno，Icanneveradvance；Ishallswoonifheshouldexpectadvances。
No，IhopeSirRowlandisbetterbredthantoputaladytothenecessityofbreakingherforms。Iwon’tbetoocoyneither——I
won’tgivehimdespair。Butalittledisdainisnotamiss；alittlescornisalluring。
FOIB。Alittlescornbecomesyourladyship。
LADY。Yes，buttendernessbecomesmebest——asortofadyingness。
Youseethatpicturehasasortofa——ha，Foible？Aswimmingnessintheeyes。Yes，I’lllookso。Mynieceaffectsit；butshewantsfeatures。IsSirRowlandhandsome？Letmytoiletberemoved——I’lldressabove。I’llreceiveSirRowlandhere。Ishehandsome？Don’tanswerme。Iwon’tknow；I’llbesurprised。I’llbetakenbysurprise。
FOIB。Bystorm，madam。SirRowland’sabriskman。
LADY。Ishe？Oh，then，he’llimportune，ifhe’sabriskman。I
shallsavedecorumsifSirRowlandimportunes。Ihaveamortalterrorattheapprehensionofoffendingagainstdecorums。Oh，I’mgladhe’sabriskman。Letmythingsberemoved，goodFoible。
SCENEVI。
MRS。FAINALL，FOIBLE。
MRS。FAIN。OFoible，Ihavebeeninafright，lestIshouldcometoolate。Thatdevil，Marwood，sawyouintheparkwithMirabell，andI’mafraidwilldiscoverittomylady。
FOIB。Discoverwhat，madam？
MRS。FAIN。Nay，nay，putnotonthatstrangeface。Iamprivytothewholedesign，andknowthatWaitwell，towhomthouwertthismorningmarried，istopersonateMirabell’suncle，and，assuchwinningmylady，toinvolveherinthosedifficultiesfromwhichMirabellonlymustreleaseher，byhismakinghisconditionstohavemycousinandherfortunelefttoherowndisposal。
FOIB。Odearmadam，Ibegyourpardon。Itwasnotmyconfidenceinyourladyshipthatwasdeficient；butIthoughttheformergoodcorrespondencebetweenyourladyshipandMr。Mirabellmighthavehinderedhiscommunicatingthissecret。
MRS。FAIN。DearFoible，forgetthat。
FOIB。Odearmadam，Mr。Mirabellissuchasweetwinninggentleman。
Butyourladyshipisthepatternofgenerosity。Sweetlady，tobesogood!Mr。Mirabellcannotchoosebutbegrateful。Ifindyourladyshiphashisheartstill。Now，madam，Icansafelytellyourladyshipoursuccess：Mrs。Marwoodhadtoldmylady，butIwarrantImanagedmyself。Iturneditallforthebetter。ItoldmyladythatMr。Mirabellrailedather。Ilaidhorridthingstohischarge，I’llvow；andmyladyissoincensedthatshe’llbecontractedtoSirRowlandto—night，shesays；IwarrantIworkedherupthathemayhaveherforaskingfor，astheysayofaWelshmaidenhead。
MRS。FAIN。OrareFoible!
FOIB。Madam，IbegyourladyshiptoacquaintMr。Mirabellofhissuccess。Iwouldbeseenaslittleaspossibletospeaktohim——
besides，IbelieveMadamMarwoodwatchesme。Shehasamonth’smind；butIknowMr。Mirabellcan’tabideher。[Calls。]John，removemylady’stoilet。Madam，yourservant。Myladyissoimpatient，Ifearshe’llcomeforme，ifIstay。
MRS。FAIN。I’llgowithyouupthebackstairs，lestIshouldmeether。
SCENEVII。
MRS。MARWOODalone。
MRS。MAR。Indeed，Mrs。Engine，isitthuswithyou？Areyoubecomeago—betweenofthisimportance？Yes，Ishallwatchyou。WhythiswenchisthePASSE—PARTOUT，averymaster—keytoeverybody’sstrongbox。MyfriendFainall，haveyoucarrieditsoswimmingly？I
thoughttherewassomethinginit；butitseemsit’soverwithyou。
Yourloathingisnotfromawantofappetitethen，butfromasurfeit。Elseyoucouldneverbesocooltofallfromaprincipaltobeanassistant，toprocureforhim!Apatternofgenerosity，thatIconfess。Well，Mr。Fainall，youhavemetwithyourmatch。——O
man，man!Woman，woman!Thedevil’sanass：ifIwereapainter，Iwoulddrawhimlikeanidiot，adrivellerwithabibandbells。
Manshouldhavehisheadandhorns，andwomantherestofhim。
Poor，simplefiend!’MadamMarwoodhasamonth’smind，buthecan’tabideher。’’Twerebetterforhimyouhadnotbeenhisconfessorinthataffair，withoutyoucouldhavekepthiscounselcloser。I
shallnotproveanotherpatternofgenerosity；hehasnotobligedmetothatwiththoseexcessesofhimself，andnowI’llhavenoneofhim。Herecomesthegoodlady，pantingripe，withaheartfullofhope，andaheadfullofcare，likeanychymistuponthedayofprojection。
SCENEVIII。
[Toher]LADYWISHFORT。
LADY。OdearMarwood，whatshallIsayforthisrudeforgetfulness？
Butmydearfriendisallgoodness。
MRS。MAR。Noapologies，dearmadam。Ihavebeenverywellentertained。
LADY。AsI’maperson，IaminaverychaostothinkIshouldsoforgetmyself。ButIhavesuchanolioofaffairs，reallyIknownotwhattodo。[Calls。]Foible!——IexpectmynephewSirWilfullev’rymomenttoo。——Why，Foible!——Hemeanstotravelforimprovement。
MRS。MAR。MethinksSirWilfullshouldratherthinkofmarryingthantravellingathisyears。Ihearheisturnedofforty。
LADY。Oh，he’sinlessdangerofbeingspoiledbyhistravels。I
amagainstmynephew’smarryingtooyoung。Itwillbetimeenoughwhenhecomesback，andhasacquireddiscretiontochooseforhimself。
MRS。MAR。MethinksMrs。Millamantandhewouldmakeaveryfitmatch。Hemaytravelafterwards。’Tisathingveryusualwithyounggentlemen。
LADY。IpromiseyouIhavethoughton’t——andsince’tisyourjudgment，I’llthinkon’tagain。IassureyouIwill；Ivalueyourjudgmentextremely。Onmyword，I’llproposeit。
SCENEIX。
[Tothem]FOIBLE。
LADY。Come，come，Foible——Ihadforgotmynephewwillbeherebeforedinner——Imustmakehaste。
FOIB。Mr。WitwoudandMr。Petulantarecometodinewithyourladyship。
LADY。Ohdear，Ican’tappeartillIamdressed。DearMarwood，shallIbefreewithyouagain，andbegyoutoentertainem？I’llmakeallimaginablehaste。Dearfriend，excuseme。
SCENEX。
MRS。MARWOOD，MRS。MILLAMANT，MINCING。
MILLA。Sure，neveranythingwassounbredasthatodiousman。
Marwood，yourservant。
MRS。MAR。Youhaveacolour；what’sthematter？
MILLA。ThathorridfellowPetulanthasprovokedmeintoaflame——I
havebrokemyfan——Mincing，lendmeyours。——Isnotallthepowderoutofmyhair？
MRS。MAR。No。Whathashedone？
MILLA。Nay，hehasdonenothing；hehasonlytalked。Nay，hehassaidnothingneither；buthehascontradictedeverythingthathasbeensaid。Formypart，IthoughtWitwoudandhewouldhavequarrelled。
MINC。Ivow，mem，Ithoughtoncetheywouldhavefit。
MILLA。Well，’tisalamentablething，Iswear，thatonehasnotthelibertyofchoosingone’sacquaintanceasonedoesone’sclothes。
MRS。MAR。Ifwehadthatliberty，weshouldbeaswearyofonesetofacquaintance，thoughneversogood，asweareofonesuit，thoughneversofine。Afoolandadoilystuffwouldnowandthenfinddaysofgrace，andbewornforvariety。
MILLA。Icouldconsenttowear’em，iftheywouldwearalike；butfoolsneverwearout。TheyaresuchDRAPDEBERRIthings!Withoutonecouldgive’emtoone’schambermaidafteradayortwo。
MRS。MAR。’Twerebettersoindeed。Orwhatthinkyouoftheplayhouse？Afinegayglossyfoolshouldbegiventhere，likeanewmaskinghabit，afterthemasqueradeisover，andwehavedonewiththedisguise。Forafool’svisitisalwaysadisguise，andneveradmittedbyawomanofwit，buttoblindheraffairwithaloverofsense。Ifyouwouldbutappearbarefacednow，andownMirabell，youmightaseasilyputoffPetulantandWitwoudasyourhoodandscarf。
Andindeed’tistime，forthetownhasfoundit，thesecretisgrowntoobigforthepretence。’TislikeMrs。Primly’sgreatbelly：shemaylaceitdownbefore，butitburnishesonherhips。Indeed，Millamant，youcannomoreconcealitthanmyLadyStrammelcanherface，thatgoodlyface，whichindefianceofherRhenish—wineteawillnotbecomprehendedinamask。
MILLA。I’lltakemydeath，Marwood，youaremorecensoriousthanadecayedbeauty，oradiscardedtoast：—Mincing，tellthementheymaycomeup。Myauntisnotdressinghere；theirfollyislessprovokingthanyourmalice。
SCENEXI。
MRS。MILLAMANT，MRS。MARWOOD。
MILLA。Thetownhasfoundit？Whathasitfound？ThatMirabelllovesmeisnomoreasecretthanitisasecretthatyoudiscoveredittomyaunt，orthanthereasonwhyyoudiscovereditisasecret。
MRS。MAR。Youarenettled。
MILLA。You’remistaken。Ridiculous!
MRS。MAR。Indeed，mydear，you’lltearanotherfan，ifyoudon’tmitigatethoseviolentairs。
MILLA。Osilly!Ha，ha，ha!Icouldlaughimmoderately。PoorMirabell!Hisconstancytomehasquitedestroyedhiscomplaisanceforalltheworldbeside。IswearIneverenjoinedithimtobesocoy。IfIhadthevanitytothinkhewouldobeyme，Iwouldcommandhimtoshowmoregallantry：’tishardlywell—bredtobesoparticularononehandandsoinsensibleontheother。ButI
despairtoprevail，andsolethimfollowhisownway。Ha，ha，ha!
Pardonme，dearcreature，Imustlaugh；ha，ha，ha!ThoughIgrantyou’tisalittlebarbarous；ha，ha，ha!
MRS。MAR。Whatpity’tissomuchfineraillery，anddeliveredwithsosignificantgesture，shouldbesounhappilydirectedtomiscarry。
MILLA。Heh？Dearcreature，Iaskyourpardon。IswearIdidnotmindyou。
MRS。MAR。Mr。Mirabellandyoubothmaythinkitathingimpossible，whenIshalltellhimbytellingyou—
MILLA。Ohdear，what？Foritisthesamething，ifIhearit。Ha，ha，ha!
MRS。MAR。ThatIdetesthim，hatehim，madam。
MILLA。Omadam，why，sodoI。Andyetthecreaturelovesme，ha，ha，ha!Howcanoneforbearlaughingtothinkofit？IamasibylifIamnotamazedtothinkwhathecanseeinme。I’lltakemydeath，Ithinkyouarehandsomer，andwithinayearortwoasyoung。
Ifyoucouldbutstayforme，Ishouldovertakeyou——butthatcannotbe。Well，thatthoughtmakesmemelancholic。——NowI’llbesad。
MRS。MAR。Yourmerrynotemaybechangedsoonerthanyouthink。
MILLA。D’yesayso？ThenI’mresolvedI’llhaveasongtokeepupmyspirits。
SCENEXII。
[Tothem]MINCING。
MINC。Thegentlemenstaybuttocomb，madam，andwillwaitonyou。
MILLA。DesireMrs。——thatisinthenextroom，tosingthesongI
wouldhavelearntyesterday。Youshallhearit，madam。Notthatthere’sanygreatmatterinit——but’tisagreeabletomyhumour。
SONG。
SetbyMr。JohnEccles。
I
Love’sbutthefrailtyofthemindWhen’tisnotwithambitionjoined；
Asicklyflame，whichifnotfedexpires，Andfeeding，wastesinself—consumingfires。
II
’TisnottowoundawantonboyOram’rousyouth，thatgivesthejoy；
But’tistheglorytohavepiercedaswainForwhominferiorbeautiessighedinvain。
III
ThenIalonetheconquestprize，WhenIinsultarival’seyes；
Ifthere’sdelightinlove，’tiswhenIseeThatheart，whichothersbleedfor，bleedforme。
SCENEXIII。
[Tothem]PETULANT，WITWOUD。
MILLA。Isyouranimositycomposed，gentlemen？
WIT。Raillery，raillery，madam；wehavenoanimosity。Wehitoffalittlewitnowandthen，butnoanimosity。Thefallingoutofwitsislikethefallingoutoflovers：—weagreeinthemain，liketrebleandbass。Ha，Petulant？
PET。Ay，inthemain。ButwhenIhaveahumourtocontradict—
WIT。Ay，whenhehasahumourtocontradict，thenIcontradicttoo。
What，Iknowmycue。Thenwecontradictoneanotherliketwobattledores；forcontradictionsbegetoneanotherlikeJews。
PET。Ifhesaysblack’sblack——ifIhaveahumourtosay’tisblue—
—letthatpass——all’soneforthat。IfIhaveahumourtoproveit，itmustbegranted。
WIT。Notpositivelymust。Butitmay；itmay。
PET。Yes，itpositivelymust，uponproofpositive。
WIT。Ay，uponproofpositiveitmust；butuponproofpresumptiveitonlymay。That’salogicaldistinctionnow，madam。
MRS。MAR。Iperceiveyourdebatesareofimportance，andverylearnedlyhandled。
PET。Importanceisonethingandlearning’sanother；butadebate’sadebate，thatIassert。
WIT。Petulant’sanenemytolearning；hereliesaltogetheronhisparts。
PET。No，I’mnoenemytolearning；ithurtsnotme。
MRS。MAR。That’sasign，indeed，it’snoenemytoyou。
PET。No，no，it’snoenemytoanybodybutthemthathaveit。
MILLA。Well，anilliterateman’smyaversion；Iwonderattheimpudenceofanyilliteratemantooffertomakelove。
WIT。ThatIconfessIwonderat，too。
MILLA。Ah，tomarryanignorantthatcanhardlyreadorwrite!
PET。Whyshouldamanbeanyfurtherfrombeingmarried，thoughhecan’tread，thanheisfrombeinghanged？Theordinary’spaidforsettingthepsalm，andtheparishpriestforreadingtheceremony。
Andfortherestwhichistofollowinbothcases，amanmaydoitwithoutbook。Soall’soneforthat。
MILLA。D’yehearthecreature？Lord，here’scompany；I’llbegone。
SCENEXIV。
SIRWILFULLWITWOUDinaridingdress，MRS。MARWOOD，PETULANT，WITWOUD，FOOTMAN。
WIT。InthenameofBartlemewandhisFair，whathavewehere？
MRS。MAR。’Tisyourbrother，Ifancy。Don’tyouknowhim？
WIT。NotI：—yes，Ithinkitishe。I’vealmostforgothim；Ihavenotseenhimsincetherevolution。
FOOT。Sir，mylady’sdressing。Here’scompany，ifyoupleasetowalkin，inthemeantime。
SIRWIL。Dressing!What，it’sbutmorninghere，Iwarrant，withyouinLondon；weshouldcountittowardsafternooninourpartsdowninShropshire：—why，then，belikemyaunthan’tdinedyet。Ha，friend？
FOOT。Youraunt，sir？
SIRWIL。Myaunt，sir？Yesmyaunt，sir，andyourlady，sir；yourladyismyaunt，sir。Why，whatdostthounotknowme，friend？
Why，then，sendsomebodyhitherthatdoes。Howlonghastthoulivedwiththylady，fellow，ha？
FOOT。Aweek，sir；longerthananybodyinthehouse，exceptmylady’swoman。
SIRWIL。Why，then，belikethoudostnotknowthylady，ifthouseesther。Ha，friend？
FOOT。Why，truly，sir，Icannotsafelysweartoherfaceinamorning，beforesheisdressed。’TislikeImaygiveashrewdguessatherbythistime。
SIRWIL。Well，pritheetrywhatthoucanstdo；ifthoucanstnotguess，enquireherout，dosthear，fellow？Andtellherhernephew，SirWilfullWitwoud，isinthehouse。
FOOT。Ishall，sir。
SIRWIL。Holdye，hearme，friend，awordwithyouinyourear：
pritheewhoarethesegallants？
FOOT。Really，sir，Ican’ttell；herecomesomanyhere，’tishardtoknow’emall。
SCENEXV。
SIRWILFULLWITWOUD，PETULANT，WITWOUD，MRS。MARWOOD。
SIRWIL。Oons，thisfellowknowslessthanastarling：Idon’tthinkaknowshisownname。
MRS。MAR。Mr。Witwoud，yourbrotherisnotbehindhandinforgetfulness。Ifancyhehasforgotyoutoo。
WIT。Ihopeso。Thedeviltakehimthatremembersfirst，Isay。
SIRWIL。Saveyou，gentlemenandlady。
MRS。MAR。Forshame，Mr。Witwoud；whywon’tyouspeaktohim？——Andyou，sir。
WIT。Petulant，speak。
PET。Andyou，sir。
SIRWIL。Nooffence，Ihope？[SalutesMARWOOD。]
MRS。MAR。No，sure，sir。
WIT。Thisisaviledog，Iseethatalready。Nooffence？Ha，ha，ha。Tohim，tohim，Petulant，smokehim。
PET。Itseemsasifyouhadcomeajourney，sir；hem，hem。
[Surveyinghimround。]
SIRWIL。Verylikely，sir，thatitmayseemso。
PET。Nooffence，Ihope，sir？
WIT。Smoketheboots，theboots，Petulant，theboots；ha，ha，ha!
SIRWILL。Maybenot，sir；thereafteras’tismeant，sir。
PET。Sir，Ipresumeupontheinformationofyourboots。
SIRWIL。Why，’tislikeyoumay，sir：ifyouarenotsatisfiedwiththeinformationofmyboots，sir，ifyouwillsteptothestable，youmayenquirefurtherofmyhorse，sir。
PET。Yourhorse，sir!Yourhorseisanass，sir!
SIRWIL。Doyouspeakbywayofoffence，sir？
MRS。MAR。Thegentleman’smerry，that’sall，sir。’Slife，weshallhaveaquarrelbetwixtanhorseandanass，beforetheyfindoneanotherout。——Youmustnottakeanythingamissfromyourfriends，sir。Youareamongyourfriendshere，thoughit——maybeyoudon’tknowit。IfIamnotmistaken，youareSirWilfullWitwoud？
SIRWIL。Right，lady；IamSirWilfullWitwoud，soIwritemyself；
nooffencetoanybody，Ihope？andnephewtotheLadyWishfortofthismansion。
MRS。MAR。Don’tyouknowthisgentleman，sir？
SIRWIL。Hum!What，sure’tisnot——yeaby’rladybut’tis——
’sheart，Iknownotwhether’tisorno。Yea，but’tis，bytheWrekin。BrotherAntony!What，Tony，i’faith!What，dostthounotknowme？By’rlady，norIthee，thouartsobecravatedandsobeperiwigged。’Sheart，whydostnotspeak？Artthouo’erjoyed？
WIT。Odso，brother，isityou？Yourservant，brother。
SIRWIL。Yourservant？Why，yours，sir。Yourservantagain——
’sheart，andyourfriendandservanttothat——anda——[puff]andaflap—dragonforyourservice，sir，andahare’sfootandahare’sscutforyourservice，sir，anyoubesocoldandsocourtly!
WIT。Nooffence，Ihope，brother？
SIRWIL。’Sheart，sir，butthereis，andmuchoffence。Apox，isthisyourinnso’courtbreeding，nottoknowyourfriendsandyourrelations，yourelders，andyourbetters？
WIT。Why，brotherWilfullofSalop，youmaybeasshortasaShrewsburycake，ifyouplease。ButItellyou’tisnotmodishtoknowrelationsintown。Youthinkyou’reinthecountry，wheregreatlubberlybrothersslabberandkissoneanotherwhentheymeet，likeacallofsergeants。’Tisnotthefashionhere；’tisnot，indeed，dearbrother。
SIRWIL。Thefashion’safoolandyou’reafop，dearbrother。
’Sheart，I’vesuspectedthis——by’rladyIconjecturedyouwereafop，sinceyoubegantochangethestyleofyourletters，andwriteinascrapofpapergiltroundtheedges，nobiggerthanasubpoena。
Imightexpectthiswhenyouleftoff’Honouredbrother，’and’Hopingyouareingoodhealth，’andsoforth，tobeginwitha’Ratme，knight，I’msosickofalastnight’sdebauch。’Odsheart，andthentellafamiliartaleofacockandabull，andawhoreandabottle，andsoconclude。Youcouldwritenewsbeforeyouwereoutofyourtime，whenyoulivedwithhonestPumple—Nose，theattorneyofFurnival’sInn。YoucouldintreattoberememberedthentoyourfriendsroundtheWrekin。WecouldhaveGazettesthen，andDawks’sLetter，andtheWeeklyBill，tilloflatedays。
PET。’Slife，Witwoud，wereyoueveranattorney’sclerk？OfthefamilyoftheFurnivals？Ha，ha，ha!
WIT。Ay，ay，butthatwasbutforawhile。Notlong，notlong；
pshaw，Iwasnotinmyownpowerthen。Anorphan，andthisfellowwasmyguardian；ay，ay，IwasgladtoconsenttothatmantocometoLondon。Hehadthedisposalofmethen。IfIhadnotagreedtothat，ImighthavebeenboundprenticetoafeltmakerinShrewsbury：
thisfellowwouldhaveboundmetoamakeroffelts。
SIRWIL。’Sheart，andbetterthantobeboundtoamakeroffops，where，Isuppose，youhaveservedyourtime，andnowyoumaysetupforyourself。
MRS。MAR。Youintendtotravel，sir，asI’minformed？
SIRWIL。BelikeImay，madam。Imaychancetosailuponthesaltseas，ifmymindhold。
PET。Andthewindserve。
SIRWIL。Serveornotserve，Ishan’tasklicenseofyou，sir，northeweathercockyourcompanion。Idirectmydiscoursetothelady，sir。’Tislikemyauntmayhavetoldyou，madam？Yes，Ihavesettledmyconcerns，Imaysaynow，andammindedtoseeforeignparts。Ifanhowthatthepeaceholds，whereby，thatis，taxesabate。
MRS。MAR。IthoughtyouhaddesignedforFranceatalladventures。
SIRWIL。Ican’ttellthat；’tislikeImay，and’tislikeImaynot。Iamsomewhatdaintyinmakingaresolution，becausewhenI
makeitIkeepit。Idon’tstandshillI，shallI，then；ifI
say’t，I’lldo’t。ButIhavethoughtstotarryasmallmatterintown，tolearnsomewhatofyourlingofirst，beforeIcrosstheseas。I’dgladlyhaveaspiceofyourFrenchastheysay，wherebytoholddiscourseinforeigncountries。
MRS。MAR。Here’sanacademyintownforthatuse。
SIRWIL。Thereis？’Tisliketheremay。
MRS。MAR。Nodoubtyouwillreturnverymuchimproved。
WIT。Yes，refinedlikeaDutchskipperfromawhale—fishing。
SCENEXVI。
[Tothem]LADYWISHFORTandFAINALL。
LADY。Nephew，youarewelcome。
SIRWIL。Aunt，yourservant。
FAIN。SirWilfull，yourmostfaithfulservant。
SIRWIL。CousinFainall，givemeyourhand。
LADY。CousinWitwoud，yourservant；Mr。Petulant，yourservant。
Nephew，youarewelcomeagain。Willyoudrinkanythingafteryourjourney，nephew，beforeyoueat？Dinner’salmostready。
SIRWIL。I’mverywell，Ithankyou，aunt。However，Ithankyouforyourcourteousoffer。’Sheart，Iwasafraidyouwouldhavebeeninthefashiontoo，andhaverememberedtohaveforgotyourrelations。Here’syourcousinTony，belike，Imayn’tcallhimbrotherforfearofoffence。
LADY。Oh，he’sarallier，nephew。Mycousin’sawit：andyourgreatwitsalwaysrallytheirbestfriendstochoose。Whenyouhavebeenabroad，nephew，you’llunderstandraillerybetter。[FAINALL
andMRS。MARWOODtalkapart。]
SIRWIL。Why，then，lethimholdhistongueinthemeantime，andrailwhenthatdaycomes。
SCENEXVII。
[Tothem]MINCING。
MINC。Mem，Icometoacquaintyourlashipthatdinnerisimpatient。
SIRWIL。Impatient？Why，then，belikeitwon’tstaytillIpulloffmyboots。Sweetheart，canyouhelpmetoapairofslippers？
Myman’swithhishorses，Iwarrant。
LADY。Fie，fie，nephew，youwouldnotpulloffyourbootshere？Godownintothehall：—dinnershallstayforyou。Mynephew’salittleunbred：you’llpardonhim，madam。Gentlemen，willyouwalk？
Marwood？
MRS。MAR。I’llfollowyou，madam，——beforeSirWilfullisready。
SCENEXVIII。
MRS。MARWOOD，FAINALL。
FAIN。Why，then，Foible’sabawd，anerrant，rankmatch—makingbawd。AndI，itseems，amahusband，arankhusband，andmywifeaveryerrant，rankwife，——allinthewayoftheworld。’Sdeath，tobeacuckoldbyanticipation，acuckoldinembryo!SureIwasbornwithbuddingantlerslikeayoungsatyr，oracitizen’schild，’sdeath，tobeout—witted，tobeout—jilted，out—matrimonied。IfI
hadkeptmyspeedlikeastag，’tweresomewhat，buttocrawlafter，withmyhornslikeasnail，andbeoutstrippedbymywife——’tisscurvywedlock。
MRS。MAR。Thenshakeitoff：youhaveoftenwishedforanopportunitytopart，andnowyouhaveit。Butfirstpreventtheirplot：—thehalfofMillamant’sfortuneistooconsiderabletobepartedwithtoafoe，toMirabell。
FAIN。Damnhim，thathadbeenmine——hadyounotmadethatfonddiscovery。Thathadbeenforfeited，hadtheybeenmarried。Mywifehadaddedlustretomyhornsbythatincreaseoffortune：Icouldhaveworn’emtiptwithgold，thoughmyforeheadhadbeenfurnishedlikeadeputy—lieutenant’shall。
MRS。MAR。Theymayproveacapofmaintenancetoyoustill，ifyoucanawaywithyourwife。Andshe’snoworsethanwhenyouhadher：—
Idareswearshehadgivenuphergamebeforeshewasmarried。
FAIN。Hum!Thatmaybe—
MRS。MAR。Youmarriedhertokeepyou；andifyoucancontrivetohaveherkeepyoubetterthanyouexpected，whyshouldyounotkeepherlongerthanyouintended？
FAIN。Themeans，themeans？
MRS。MAR。Discovertomyladyyourwife’sconduct；threatentopartwithher。Myladylovesher，andwillcometoanycompositiontosaveherreputation。Taketheopportunityofbreakingitjustuponthediscoveryofthisimposture。Myladywillbeenragedbeyondbounds，andsacrificeniece，andfortuneandallatthatconjuncture。Andletmealonetokeepherwarm：ifsheshouldflaginherpart，Iwillnotfailtoprompther。
FAIN。Faith，thishasanappearance。
MRS。MAR。I’msorryIhintedtomyladytoendeavouramatchbetweenMillamantandSirWilfull；thatmaybeanobstacle。
FAIN。Oh，forthatmatter，leavemetomanagehim；I’lldisablehimforthat，hewilldrinklikeaDane。AfterdinnerI’llsethishandin。
MRS。MAR。Well，howdoyoustandaffectedtowardsyourlady？
FAIN。Why，faith，I’mthinkingofit。Letmesee。Iammarriedalready；sothat’sover。Mywifehasplayedthejadewithme；well，that’sovertoo。Ineverlovedher，orifIhad，whythatwouldhavebeenovertoobythistime。JealousofherIcannotbe，forI
amcertain；sothere’sanendofjealousy。WearyofherIamandshallbe。No，there’snoendofthat；no，no，thatweretoomuchtohope。Thusfarconcerningmyrepose。Nowformyreputation：astomyown，Imarriednotforit；sothat’soutofthequestion。Andastomypartinmywife’s——why，shehadpartedwithhersbefore；so，bringingnonetome，shecantakenonefromme：’tisagainstallruleofplaythatIshouldlosetoonewhohasnotwherewithaltostake。
MRS。MAR。Besidesyouforget，marriageishonourable。
FAIN。Hum!Faith，andthat’swellthoughton：marriageishonourable，asyousay；andifso，whereforeshouldcuckoldombeadiscredit，beingderivedfromsohonourablearoot？
MRS。MAR。Nay，Iknownot；iftherootbehonourable，whynotthebranches？
FAIN。So，so；whythispoint’sclear。Well，howdoweproceed？
MRS。MAR。IwillcontrivealetterwhichshallbedeliveredtomyladyatthetimewhenthatrascalwhoistoactSirRowlandiswithher。Itshallcomeasfromanunknownhand——forthelessIappeartoknowofthetruththebetterIcanplaytheincendiary。Besides，IwouldnothaveFoibleprovokedifIcouldhelpit，because，youknow，sheknowssomepassages。Nay，Iexpectallwillcomeout。
Butlettheminebesprungfirst，andthenIcarenotifIamdiscovered。
FAIN。Iftheworstcometotheworst，I’llturnmywifetograss。
Ihavealreadyadeedofsettlementofthebestpartofherestate，whichIwheedledoutofher，andthatyoushallpartakeatleast。
MRS。MAR。IhopeyouareconvincedthatIhateMirabellnow？
You’llbenomorejealous？
FAIN。Jealous？No，bythiskiss。Lethusbandsbejealous，butlettheloverstillbelieve：orifhedoubt，letitbeonlytoendearhispleasure，andpreparethejoythatfollows，whenheproveshismistresstrue。Butlethusbands’doubtsconverttoendlessjealousy；oriftheyhavebelief，letitcorrupttosuperstitionandblindcredulity。Iamsingleandwillherdnomorewith’em。True，Iwearthebadge，butI’lldisowntheorder。AndsinceItakemyleaveof’em，IcarenotifIleave’emacommonmottototheircommoncrest。
Allhusbandsmustorpainorshameendure；
Thewisetoojealousare，foolstoosecure。
ACTIV。——SCENEI。
SceneContinues。
LADYWISHFORTandFOIBLE。
LADY。IsSirRowlandcoming，say’stthou，Foible？Andarethingsinorder？
FOIB。Yes，madam。Ihaveputwax—lightsinthesconces，andplacedthefootmeninarowinthehall，intheirbestliveries，withthecoachmanandpostilliontofilluptheequipage。
LADY。Haveyoupulvilledthecoachmanandpostillion，thattheymaynotstinkofthestablewhenSirRowlandcomesby？
FOIB。Yes，madam。
LADY。Andarethedancersandthemusicready，thathemaybeentertainedinallpointswithcorrespondencetohispassion？
FOIB。Allisready，madam。
LADY。And——well——andhowdoIlook，Foible？
FOIB。Mostkillingwell，madam。
LADY。Well，andhowshallIreceivehim？InwhatfigureshallI
givehisheartthefirstimpression？Thereisagreatdealinthefirstimpression。ShallIsit？No，Iwon’tsit，I’llwalk，——ay，I’llwalkfromthedooruponhisentrance，andthenturnfulluponhim。No，thatwillbetoosudden。I’lllie，——ay，I’llliedown。
I’llreceivehiminmylittledressing—room；there’sacouch——yes，yes，I’llgivethefirstimpressiononacouch。Iwon’tlieneither，butlollandleanupononeelbow，withonefootalittledanglingoff，jogginginathoughtfulway。Yes；andthenassoonasheappears，start，ay，startandbesurprised，andrisetomeethiminaprettydisorder。Yes；oh，nothingismorealluringthanaleveefromacouchinsomeconfusion。Itshowsthefoottoadvantage，andfurnisheswithblushesandre—composingairsbeyondcomparison。Hark!There’sacoach。
FOIB。’Tishe，madam。
LADY。Ohdear，hasmynephewmadehisaddressestoMillamant？I
orderedhim。
FOIB。SirWilfullissetintodrinking，madam，intheparlour。
LADY。Odsmylife，I’llsendhimtoher。Callherdown，Foible；
bringherhither。I’llsendhimasIgo。Whentheyaretogether，thencometome，Foible，thatImaynotbetoolongalonewithSirRowland。
SCENEII。
MRS。MILLAMANT，MRS。FAINALL，FOIBLE。
FOIB。Madam，IstayedheretotellyourladyshipthatMr。Mirabellhaswaitedthishalfhourforanopportunitytotalkwithyou；
thoughmylady’sordersweretoleaveyouandSirWilfulltogether。
ShallItellMr。Mirabellthatyouareatleisure？
MILLA。No。Whatwouldthedearmanhave？Iamthoughtfulandwouldamusemyself；bidhimcomeanothertime。