第37章
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  `Idoubtyoucan’t,’herepliedeasily。

  Theytrampedinridiculousfiledownthelaneagain,insilence。Anowlstillhooted。Heknewheoughttoshootit。

  Thecarstooduntouched,alittledewy。Hildagotinandstartedtheengine。Theothertwowaited。

  `AllImean,’shesaidfromherentrenchment,`isthatIdoubtifyou’llfindit’sbeenworthit,eitherofyou!’

  `Oneman’smeatisanotherman’spoison,’hesaid,outofthedarkness。

  `Butit’smeatan’drinktome。

  Thelightsflaredout。

  `Don’tmakemewaitinthemorning,’

  `No,Iwon’t。Goodnight!’

  Thecarroseslowlyontothehighroad,thenslidswiftlyaway,leavingthenightsilent。

  Connietimidlytookhisarm,andtheywentdownthelane。Hedidnotspeak。Atlengthshedrewhimtoastandstill。

  `Kissme!’shemurmured。

  `Nay,waitabit!Letmesimmerdown,’hesaid。

  Thatamusedher。Shestillkeptholdofhisarm,andtheywentquicklydownthelane,insilence。Shewassogladtobewithhim,justnow。Sheshivered,knowingthatHildamighthavesnatchedheraway。Hewasinscrutablysilent。

  Whentheywereinthecottageagain,shealmostjumpedwithpleasure,thatsheshouldbefreeofhersister。

  `ButyouwerehorridtoHilda,’shesaidtohim。

  `Sheshouldha’beenslappedintime。’

  `Butwhy?andshe’ssonice。’

  Hedidn’tanswer,wentrounddoingtheeveningchores,withaquiet,inevitablesortofmotion。Hewasoutwardlyangry,butnotwithher。SoConniefelt。Andhisangergavehimapeculiarhandsomeness,aninwardnessandglistenthatthrilledherandmadeherlimbsgomolten。

  Stillhetooknonoticeofher。

  Tillhesatdownandbegantounlacehisboots。Thenhelookedupatherfromunderhisbrows,onwhichtheangerstillsatfirm。

  `Shan’tyougoup?’hesaid。`There’sacandle!’

  Hejerkedhisheadswiftlytoindicatethecandleburningonthetable。

  Shetookitobediently,andhewatchedthefullcurveofherhipsasshewentupthefirststairs。

  Itwasanightofsensualpassion,inwhichshewasalittlestartledandalmostunwilling:yetpiercedagainwithpiercingthrillsofsensuality,different,sharper,moreterriblethanthethrillsoftenderness,but,atthemoment,moredesirable。Thoughalittlefrightened,shelethimhavehisway,andthereckless,shamelesssensualityshookhertoherfoundations,strippedhertotheverylast,andmadeadifferentwomanofher。Itwasnotreallylove。Itwasnotvoluptuousness。Itwassensualitysharpandsearingasfire,burningthesoultotinder。

  Burningouttheshames,thedeepest,oldestshames,inthemostsecretplaces。Itcostheranefforttolethimhavehiswayandhiswillofher。

  Shehadtobeapassive,consentingthing,likeaslave,aphysicalslave。

  Yetthepassionlickedroundher,consuming,andwhenthesensualflameofitpressedthroughherbowelsandbreast,shereallythoughtshewasdying:yetapoignant,marvellousdeath。

  ShehadoftenwonderedwhatAbélardmeant,whenhesaidthatintheiryearofloveheandHéloïsehadpassedthroughallthestagesandrefinementsofpassion。Thesamething,athousandyearsago:tenthousandyearsago!ThesameontheGreekvases,everywhere!Therefinementsofpassion,theextravagancesofsensuality!Andnecessary,forevernecessary,toburnoutfalseshamesandsmeltouttheheaviestoreofthebodyintopurity。Withthefireofsheersensuality。

  Intheshortsummernightshelearntsomuch。Shewouldhavethoughtawomanwouldhavediedofshame。Insteadofwhich,theshamedied。Shame,whichisfear:thedeepOrganicshame,theold,oldphysicalfearwhichcrouchesinthebodilyrootsofus,andcanonlybechasedawaybythesensualfire,atlastitwasrousedupandroutedbythephallichuntoftheman,andshecametotheveryheartofthejungleofherself。Shefelt,now,shehadcometotherealbed-rockofhernature,andwasessentiallyshameless。Shewashersensualself,nakedandunashamed。Shefeltatriumph,almostavainglory。So!Thatwashowitwas!Thatwaslife!Thatwashowoneselfreallywas!Therewasnothinglefttodisguiseorbeashamedof。

  Shesharedherultimatenakednesswithaman,anotherbeing。

  Andwhatarecklessdevilthemanwas!reallylikeadevil!Onehadtobestrongtobearhim。Butittooksomegettingat,thecoreofthephysicaljungle,thelastanddeepestrecessoforganicshame。Thephallosalonecouldexploreit。Andhowhehadpressedinonher!

  Andhow,infear,shehadhatedit。Buthowshehadreallywantedit!

  Sheknewnow。Atthebottomofhersoul,fundamentally,shehadneededthisphallichuntingOut,shehadsecretlywantedit,andshehadbelievedthatshewouldnevergetit。Nowsuddenlythereitwas,andamanwassharingherlastandfinalnakedness,shewasshameless。

  Whatliarspoetsandeverybodywere!Theymadeonethinkonewantedsentiment。Whenwhatonesupremelywantedwasthispiercing,consuming,ratherawfulsensuality。Tofindamanwhodareddoit,withoutshameorsinorfinalmisgiving!Ifhehadbeenashamedafterwards,andmadeonefeelashamed,howawful!Whatapitymostmenaresodoggy,abitshameful,likeClifford!LikeMichaeliseven!Bothsensuallyabitdoggyandhumiliating。

  Thesupremepleasureofthemind!Andwhatisthattoawoman?Whatisit,really,tothemaneither!Hebecomesmerelymessyanddoggy,eveninhismind。Itneedssheersensualityeventopurifyandquickenthemind。

  Sheerfierysensuality,notmessiness。

  Ah,God,howrareathingamanis!Theyarealldogsthattrotandsniffandcopulate。Tohavefoundamanwhowasnotafraidandnotashamed!

  Shelookedathimnow,sleepingsolikeawildanimalasleep,gone,goneintheremotenessofit。Shenestleddown,nottobeawayfromhim。

  Tillhisrousingwakedhercompletely。Hewassittingupinbed,lookingdownather。Shesawherownnakednessinhiseyes,immediateknowledgeofher。Andthefluid,maleknowledgeofherselfseemedtoflowtoherfromhiseyesandwraphervoluptuously。Oh,howvoluptuousandlovelyitwastohavelimbsandbodyhalf-asleep,heavyandsuffusedwithpassion。

  `Isittimetowakeup?’shesaid。

  `Halfpastsix。’

  Shehadtobeatthelane-endateight。Always,always,alwaysthiscompulsiononone!

  `Imightmakethebreakfastandbringituphere;shouldI?’hesaid。

  `Ohyes!’

  Flossiewhimperedgentlybelow。Hegotupandthrewoffhispyjamas,andrubbedhimselfwithatowel。Whenthehumanbeingisfullofcourageandfulloflife,howbeautifulitis!Soshethought,asshewatchedhiminsilence。

  `Drawthecurtain,willyou?’

  Thesunwasshiningalreadyonthetendergreenleavesofmorning,andthewoodstoodbluey-fresh,inthenearness。Shesatupinbed,lookingdreamilyoutthroughthedormerwindow,hernakedarmspushinghernakedbreaststogether。Hewasdressinghimself。Shewashalf-dreamingoflife,alifetogetherwithhim:justalife。

  Hewasgoing,fleeingfromherdangerous,crouchingnakedness。

  `HaveIlostmynightiealtogether?’shesaid。

  Hepushedhishanddowninthebed,andpulledoutthebitofflimsysilk。

  `IknowedIfeltsilkatmyankles,’hesaid。

  Butthenight-dresswasslitalmostintwo。

  `Nevermind!’shesaid。`Itbelongshere,really。I’llleaveit。’

  `Ay,leaveit,Icanputitbetweenmylegsatnight,forcompany。There’snonamenormarkonit,isthere?’

  Sheslippedonthetornthing,andsatdreamilylookingoutofthewindow。

  ThewindowwasOpen,theairofmorningdriftedin,andthesoundofbirds。

  Birdsflewcontinuouslypast。ThenshesawFlossieroamingout。Itwasmorning。

  Downstairssheheardhimmakingthefire,pumpingwater,goingoutatthebackdoor。Byandbycamethesmellofbacon,andatlengthhecameupstairswithahugeblacktraythatwouldonlyjustgothroughthedoor。

  Hesetthetrayonthebed,andpouredoutthetea。Conniesquattedinhertornnightdress,andfellonherfoodhungrily。Hesatontheonechair,withhisplateonhisknees。

  `Howgooditis!’shesaid。`Hownicetohavebreakfasttogether。’

  Heateinsilence,hismindonthetimethatwasquicklypassing。Thatmadeherremember。

  `Oh,howIwishIcouldstayherewithyou,andWragbywereamillionmilesaway!It’sWragbyI’mgoingawayfromreally。Youknowthat,don’tyou?’

  `Ay!’

  `Andyoupromisewewilllivetogetherandhavealifetogether,youandme!Youpromiseme,don’tyou?’

  `Ay!Whenwecan。’

  `Yes!Andwewill!wewill,won’twe?’sheleanedover,makingtheteaspill,catchinghiswrist。

  `Ay!’hesaid,tidyingupthetea。

  `Wecan’tpossiblynotlivetogethernow,canwe?’shesaidappealingly。

  Helookedupatherwithhisflickeringgrin。

  `No!’hesaid。`Onlyyou’vegottostartintwenty-fiveminutes。’

  `HaveI?’shecried。Suddenlyheheldupawarningfinger,androsetohisfeet。

  Flossiehadgivenashortbark,thenthreeloudsharpyapsofwarning。

  Silent,heputhisplateonthetrayandwentdownstairs。Constanceheardhimgodownthegardenpath。Abicyclebelltinkledoutsidethere。

  `Morning,MrMellors!Registeredletter!’

  `Ohay!Gotapencil?’

  `Herey’are!’

  Therewasapause。

  `Canada!’saidthestranger’svoice。

  `Ay!That’samateo’mineoutthereinBritishColumbia。Dunnowhathe’sgottoregister。’

  `’Appensenty’afortune,like。’

  `Morelikewantssummat。’

  Pause。

  `Well!Lovelydayagain!’

  `Ay!’

  `Morning!’

  `Morning!’

  Afteratimehecameupstairsagain,lookingalittleangry。

  `Postman,’hesaid。

  `Veryearly!’shereplied。

  `Ruralround;he’smostlyherebyseven,whenhedoescome。

  `Didyourmatesendyouafortune?’

  `No!OnlysomephotographsandpapersaboutaplaceoutthereinBritishColumbia。’

  `Wouldyougothere?’

  `Ithoughtperhapswemight。’

  `Ohyes!Ibelieveit’slovely!’Buthewasputoutbythepostman’scoming。

  `Themdamnbikes,they’reonyouaforeyouknowwhereyouare。Ihopehetwiggednothing。’

  `Afterall,whatcouldhetwig!’

  `Youmustgetupnow,andgetready。I’mjustgoin’terlookroundoutside。’

  Shesawhimgoreconnoitringintothelane,withdogandgun。Shewentdownstairsandwashed,andwasreadybythetimehecameback,withthefewthingsinthelittlesilkbag。

  Helockedup,andtheysetoff,butthroughthewood,notdownthelane。

  Hewasbeingwary。

  `Don’tyouthinkonelivesfortimeslikelastnight?’shesaidtohim。

  `Ay!Butthere’stheresto’timestothinkon,’hereplied,rathershort。

  Theyploddedondowntheovergrownpath,heinfront,insilence。

  `Andwewilllivetogetherandmakealifetogether,won’twe?’

  shepleaded。

  `Ay!’hereplied,stridingonwithoutlookinground。`Whent’timecomes!

  Justnowyou’reofftoVeniceorsomewhere。’

  Shefollowedhimdumbly,withsinkingheart。Oh,nowshewaswaetogo!

  Atlasthestopped。

  `I’lljuststrikeacrosshere,’hesaid,pointingtotheright。

  Butsheflungherarmsroundhisneck,andclungtohim。

  `Butyou’llkeepthetendernessforme,won’tyou?’shewhispered。`I

  lovedlastnight。Butyou’llkeepthetendernessforme,won’tyou?’

  Hekissedherandheldhercloseforamoment。Thenhesighed,andkissedheragain。

  `Imustgoan’lookifth’car’sthere。’

  Hestrodeoverthelowbramblesandbracken,leavingatrailthroughthefern。Foraminuteortwohewasgone。Thenhecamestridingback。

  `Car’snotthereyet,’hesaid。`Butthere’sthebaker’scartont’

  road。’

  Heseemedanxiousandtroubled。

  `Hark!’

  Theyheardacarsoftlyhootasitcamenearer。Itsloweduponthebridge。

  Sheplungedwithuttermournfulnessinhistrackthroughthefern,andcametoahugehollyhedge。Hewasjustbehindher。

  `Here!Gothroughthere!’hesaid,pointingtoagap。`Ishan’tcomeout。

  Shelookedathimindespair。Buthekissedherandmadehergo。Shecreptinsheermiserythroughthehollyandthroughthewoodenfence,stumbleddownthelittleditchandupintothelane,whereHildawasjustgettingoutofthecarinvexation。

  `Whyyou’rethere!’saidHilda。`Where’she?’

  `He’snotcoming。’

  Connie’sfacewasrunningwithtearsasshegotintothecarwithherlittlebag。Hildasnatchedupthemotoringhelmetwiththedisfiguringgoggles。

  `Putiton!’shesaid。AndConniepulledonthedisguise,thenthelongmotoringcoat,andshesatdown,agogglinginhuman,unrecognizablecreature。

  Hildastartedthecarwithabusinesslikemotion。Theyheavedoutofthelane,andwereawaydowntheroad。Conniehadlookedround,buttherewasnosightofhim。Away!Away!Shesatinbittertears。Thepartinghadcomesosuddenly,sounexpectedly。Itwaslikedeath。

  `Thankgoodnessyou’llbeawayfromhimforsometime!’saidHilda,turningtoavoidCrosshillvillage。

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