NowIamnotwithoutsomeknowledgeoftheworldoutsidethecloseofMarchburyCathedral，andIcouldnotlistentosucha“flatteringtale“withouthavingmysuspicionsaroused。Whoandwhatisthisman？thoughtI。Ilookedathimnarrowly。Atfirstthethoughtflashedacrossmethathemightbea“swellmobsman。“
Butno，hisfacewastoogoodforthat；besides，nomanwiththathugeframe，thatpersonalitysomarkedandsoeasilyrecognizable，couldbeaswindler；hecouldnotescapedetectionasinglehour。
Idismissedtheungenerousthought。Perhapsheisrich，ashesays。Wedohearofmunificentdonationsbybenevolentmillionairesnowandthen。WhatifthisAustralian，attractedbythegloriesoftheoldcathedral，shouldnowappearasadeusexmachinatoreendowthechoir，ortofoundamusicalprofessoriateinconnectionwiththechoir，appointingmethefirstoccupantoftheprofessorialchair？
Thesethoughtsflashedacrossmymindinthemomentarypauseofhisfluenttongue。
“Asforyourself，sir，“hebeganagain，“IhavesomethingtoproposewhichItrustmaynotproveunwelcome。Butthepublicstreetishardlyasuitableplacetodiscussmyproposal。MayI
calluponyouthiseveningatyourhouseintheclose？Iknowwhichitis，forIhappenedtoseeyougointoityesterdayafterthemorningservice。“
“Ishallbeverypleasedtoseeyou，“Ireplied。“Wearegoingouttodinnerthisevening，butIshallbeathomeanddisengagedtillaboutseven。“
“Thankyouverymuch。ThenIshalldomyselfthepleasureofcallinguponyouaboutsixo’clock。Tillthen，farewell！“A
gracefulwaveofthehand，andmyunknownfriendhaddisappearedroundthecornerofthestreet。
Nowatlast，Ithought，somethingisgoingtohappeninmyuneventfullife——somethingtobreakthemonotonyofexistence。Ofcourse，hemusthaveinquiredmyname——hecouldgetthatfromanyofthecathedralvergers——and，ashesaid，hehadobservedwhereaboutsinthecloseIlived。Whatishecomingtoseemefor？
Iwondered。Ispenttherestoftheafternooninmakingthewildestsurmises。Iwascastle-buildinginSpainatafuriousrate。AtonetimeIimaginedthatthisfaithfulsonofthechurch——
asheappearedtome——wasgoingtobuildandendowagrandcathedralinAustraliaonconditionthatIshouldbeappointeddeanatayearlystipendof，say，tenthousandpounds。Orperhaps，I
saidtomyself，hewillbegmetoacceptasumofmoney——Ineverthoughtofitaslessthanathousandpounds——asaslightrecognitionofandtributetomyremarkablevocalability。
Itookalong，lonelywalkintothecountrytocorrecttheseridiculousfanciesandtosteadymymind，andwhenIreachedhomeandhadrefreshedmyselfwithaquietcupofafternoontea，IfeltIwasmorallyandphysicallypreparedformyinterviewwiththeopulentstranger。
Punctuallyasthecathedralclockstrucksixtherewasaringatthevisitor’sbell。Inamomentortwomyunknownfriendwasshownintothedrawing-room，whichheenteredwiththeeasyairofamanoftheworld。Inoticedhewascarryingasmallblackbag。
“Howdoyoudoagain，Mr。Dale？“hesaidasthoughwewereoldacquaintances；“youseeIhavecomesharptomytime。“
“Yes，“Ianswered，“andIampleasedtoseeyou；dositdown。“Hesankintomybestarmchair，andplacedhisbagonthefloorbesidehim。
“Sincewemetintheafternoon，“hesaid，“Ihavewrittenalettertoyourdean，expressingthegreatpleasureIfeltinlisteningtoyourchoir，andatthesametimeIinclosedafive-poundnote，whichIbeggedhimtodivideamongthechoirboysandmen，fromAlexanderPoulter，Esq。，ofPoulter’sPills。Youhaveofcourseheardoftheworld-renownedPoulter’sPills。IamPoulter！“
PoulterofPoulter’sPills！Myheartsankwithinme！Afive-poundnote！Myairycastlesweretottering！
“Ialsosenthimacoupleofhundredofmypamphlets，whichIsaidItrustedhewouldbesokindastodistributeintheclose。“
Iwasaghast！
“Andnow，withregardtothespecialobjectofmycall，Mr。Dale。
Ifyouwillallowmetosayso，youarenotmakingthemostofthatgrandvoiceofyours；youarehiddenunderanecclesiasticalbushelhere——losttotheworld。Youarewastingyourvocalstrengthandsweetnessonthedesertair，sotospeak。Why，ifImayhazardaguess，Idon’tsupposeyoumakefivehundredayearhere，attheoutside？
Icouldsaynothing。
“Well，now，Icanputyouintothewayofmakingatleastthreeorfourtimesasmuchasthat。Listen！IamAlexanderPoulter，ofPoulter’sPills。Ihaveaproposaltomaketoyou。Theschemeisboundtosucceed，butIwantyourhelp。Acceptmyproposalandyourfortune’smade。DidyoueverhearMoodyandSankey？“heaskedabruptly。
Themanisanidiot，thoughtI；heisnowfairlycarriedawaywithhisparticularmania。Willitlastlong？ShallIring？
“Novelty，mydearsir，“hewenton，“istheruleoftheday；andtheremustbenoveltyinadvertising，asineverythingelse，tocatchthepublicinterest。SoIintendtogoonatour，lecturingonthemeritsofPoulter’sPillsinalltheprincipalhallsofalltheprincipaltownsallovertheworld。ButIhavebeendelayedincarryingoutmyideatillIcouldassociatemyselfwithagentlemansuchasyourself。Willyoujoinme？IshouldbetheMoodyofthetour；youwouldbeitsSankey。Iwouldspeakmypatter，andyouwouldinterspersemyorationswithmelodiousballadsbearinguponthevirtuesofPoulter’sPills。Theballadsareallready！“
Sosaying，heopenedthatbaganddrewforthfromitsrecessesnothingmorealarmingthanathickrollofmanuscriptmusic。
“Theversesaremyown，“hesaid，withalittletouchofpride；
“andasforthemusic，Ithoughtitbettertomakeuseofpopularmelodies，soastoenableanaudiencetojoininthechorus。See，hereisoneoftheballads:’Darling，Iambetternow。’Itdescribesthewoesofafondlover，orratherhisphysicalailments，untilhewentthroughacourseofPoulter。Here’sanother:’I’mninety-five！I’mninety-five！’Youcatchthedriftofthat，ofcourse——ahealthyoldage，securedbytakingPoulter’sPills。Ah！what’sthis？’Littlesister’slastrequest。’IfancytheideaofthatistobegthefamilynevertobewithoutPoulter’sPills。Hereagain:’Thenyou’llrememberme！’I’mafraidthattitleisnotoriginal；nevermind，thesongis。Andhereis——buttherearemanymore，andIwon’tdetainyouwiththemnow。“Hesaw，perhaps，Iwasgettingimpatient。ThankHeaven，however，hewasnoescapedlunatic。Iwassafe！
“Mr。Poulter，“saidI，“Itookyouthisafternoonforadisinterestedandphilanthropicmillionaire；youtakemefor——for——
somethingdifferentfromwhatIam。Wehavebothmademistakes。
Inaword，itisimpossibleformetoacceptyouroffer！“
“Isthatfinal？“askedPoulter。
“Certainly，“saidI。
Poultergatheredhismanuscriptstogetherandreplacedtheminthebag，andgotuptoleavetheroom。
“Goodevening，Mr。Dale，“hesaidmournfully，asIopenedthedooroftheroom。“Goodevening“——hekeptontalkingtillhewasfairlyoutofthehouse——“markmywords，you’llbesorry——verysorry——onedaythatyoudidnotfallinwithmyscheme。Offerslikeminedon’tcomeeveryday，andyouwillonedayregrethavingrefusedit。“
Withthesewordsheleftthehouse。
Ihadlittleappetiteformydinnerthatevening。
ThePipe“RANDOLPHCRESCENT，N。W。
MYDEARPUGH——IhopeyouwilllikethepipewhichIsendwiththis。
ItisratheracuriousexampleofacertainschoolofIndiancarving。Andisapresentfrom“Yourstruly，JOSEPHTRESS。“
ItwasreallyveryhandsomeofTress——veryhandsome！ThemoreespeciallyasIwasawarethattogivepresentswasnotexactlyinTress’sline。ThetruthisthatwhenIsawwhatmannerofpipeitwasIwasamazed。Itwascontainedinasandalwoodbox，whichwasitselfillustratedwithsomeremarkablespecimensofcarving。I
usetheword“remarkable“advisedly，because，althoughtheworkmanshipwasundoubtedly，initsway，artistic，theresultcouldnotbedescribedasbeautiful。ThecarverhadthoughtpropertoornamenttheboxwithsomeoftheugliestfiguresIremembertohaveseen。Theyappearedtometobedevils。Orperhapstheywereintendedtorepresentdeitiesappertainingtosomemythologicalsystemwithwhich，thankgoodness，Iamunacquainted。Thepipeitselfwasworthyofthecaseinwhichitwascontained。Itwasofmeerschaum，withanambermouthpiece。Itwasrathertoolargeforordinarysmoking。Butthen，ofcourse，onedoesn’tsmokeapipelikethat。TherearepipesinmycollectionwhichIshouldassoonthinkofsmokingasIshouldofeating。AskachinamaniactoletyouhaveafternoonteaoutofhisOldChelsea，andyouwilllearnsomehometruthsastothedurabilityofhumanfriendships。Thegloryofthepipe，asTresshadsuggested，layinitscarving。NotthatIclaimthatitwasbeautiful，anymorethanImakesuchaclaimforthecarvingonthebox，but，asTresssaidinhisnote，itwascurious。
Thestemandthebowlwerequiteplain，butontheedgeofthebowlwasperchedsomekindoflizard。ItoldmyselfitwasanoctopuswhenIfirstsawit，butIhavesincehadreasontobelievethatitwassomealmostuniquememberofthelizardtribe。Thecreaturewasrepresentedasclimbingovertheedgeofthebowldowntowardthestem，anditslegs，orfeelers，ortentacula，orwhateverthethingsarecalled，were，ifImayuseavulgarism，sprawlingabout“allovertheplace。“Forinstance，twoorthreeofthemweretwinedaboutthebowl，twoorthreeofthemweretwistedroundthestem，andone，aparticularlyhorribleone，wasupliftedintheair，sothatifyouputthepipeinyourmouththethingwaspointingstraightatyournose。
Nottheleastagreeablefeatureaboutthecreaturewasthatitwashideouslylifelike。Itappearedtohavebeencarvedinamber，butsomecoloringmattermusthavebeenintroduced，forinsidetheamberthecreaturewasofapeculiarlyghastlygreen。ThemoreI
examinedthepipethemoreamazedIwasatTress’sgenerosity。HeandIarerivalcollectors。Iamnotgoingtosay，insomanywords，thathiscollectionofpipescontainsnothingbutrubbish，because，asamatteroffact，hehastwoorthreeratherdecentspecimens。Buttocomparehiscollectiontominewouldbeabsurd。
Tressisconsciousofthis，andheresentsit。Heresentsittosuchanextentthathehasbeenknown，atleastononeoccasion，todeclarethatonesinglepipeofhis——IbelievehealludedtotheBrummagemrelicpreposterouslyattributedtoSirWalterRaleigh——
wasworththewholeofmycollectionputtogether。AlthoughIhaveforgottenthis，asIhopeIalwaysshallforgiveremarksmadewhenenviouspassionsgetthebetterofournoblernature，evenofaJosephTress，itisnottobesupposedthatIhaveforgottenit。
Hewas，therefore，notatallthesortofpersonfromwhomI
expectedtoreceiveapresent。Andsuchapresent！Idonotbelievethathehimselfhadafinerpipeinhiscollection。Andtohavegivenittome！Ihadmisjudgedtheman。Iwonderedwherehehadgotitfrom。Ihadseenhispipes；Iknewthemoffbyheart——
andsomenicetrumperyhehasamongthem，too！butIhadneverseenTHATpipebefore。ThemoreIlookedatit，themoremyamazementgrew。Thebeastperchedupontheedgeofthebowlwassolifelike。
Itstwobead-likeeyesseemedtogleamatmewithpositivelyhumanintelligence。ThepipefascinatedmetosuchanextentthatI
actuallyresolvedto——smokeit！
IfilleditwithPerique。OrdinarilyIuseBirdseye，butonthoseveryrareoccasionsonwhichIuseaspecimenIsmokePerique。I
litupwithquiteasmallsensationofexcitement。AsIdidsoI
keptmyeyesperforcefixeduponthebeast。Thebeastpointeditsupraisedtentacledirectlyatme。AsIinhaledthepungenttobaccothattentacleimpressedmewithafeelingofactualuncanniness。
Itwasbroaddaylight，andIwassmokinginfrontofthewindow，yettosuchanextentwasIaffectedthatitseemedtomethatthetentaclewasnotonlyvibrating，which，owingtothepeculiarityofitsposition，wasquitewithintherangeofprobability，butactuallymoving，elongating——stretchingforward，thatis，farthertowardme，andtowardthetipofmynose。SoimpressedwasIbythisideathatItookthepipeoutofmymouthandminutelyexaminedthebeast。Really，thedelusionwasexcusable。Socunninglyhadtheartistwroughtthathesucceededinproducingacreaturewhich，suchwasitsuncanniness，Icouldonlyhopehadnooriginalinnature。
ReplacingthepipebetweenmylipsItookseveralwhiffs。Neverhadsmokinghadsuchaneffectonmebefore。Eitherthepipe，orthecreatureonit，exercisedsomesingularfascination。Iseemed，withoutaninstant’swarning，tobepassingintosomelandofdreams。Isawthebeast，whichwaspercheduponthebowl，writheandtwist。Isawitliftitselfbodilyfromthemeerschaum。