第30章
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  ButHirstdidnothelphim,andtheotherpeoplewiththeiraimlessmovementsandtheirunknownlivesweredisturbing,sothathelongedfortheemptydarkness。ThefirstthinghelookedforwhenhesteppedoutofthehalldoorwasthelightoftheAmbroses’villa。Whenhehaddefinitelydecidedthatacertainlightapartfromtheothershigherupthehillwastheirlight,hewasconsiderablyreassured。

  Thereseemedtobeatoncealittlestabilityinallthisincoherence。

  Withoutanydefiniteplaninhishead,hetooktheturningtotherightandwalkedthroughthetownandcametothewallbythemeetingoftheroads,wherehestopped。Theboomingoftheseawasaudible。

  Thedark-bluemassofthemountainsroseagainstthepalerblueofthesky。Therewasnomoon,butmyriadsofstars,andlightswereanchoredupanddowninthedarkwavesofearthallroundhim。

  Hehadmeanttogoback,butthesinglelightoftheAmbroses’

  villahadnowbecomethreeseparatelights,andhewastemptedtogoon。

  HemightaswellmakesurethatRachelwasstillthere。Walkingfast,hesoonstoodbytheirongateoftheirgarden,andpusheditopen;

  theoutlineofthehousesuddenlyappearedsharplybeforehiseyes,andthethincolumnoftheverandahcuttingacrossthepalelylitgraveloftheterrace。Hehesitated。Atthebackofthehousesomeonewasrattlingcans。Heapproachedthefront;thelightontheterraceshowedhimthatthesitting-roomswereonthatside。

  Hestoodasnearthelightashecouldbythecornerofthehouse,theleavesofacreeperbrushinghisface。Afteramomenthecouldhearavoice。Thevoicewentonsteadily;itwasnottalking,butfromthecontinuityofthesounditwasavoicereadingaloud。

  Hecreptalittlecloser;hecrumpledtheleavestogethersoastostoptheirrustlingabouthisears。ItmightbeRachel’svoice。

  Helefttheshadowandsteppedintotheradiusofthelight,andthenheardasentencespokenquitedistinctly。

  “Andtherewelivedfromtheyear1860to1895,thehappiestyearsofmyparents’lives,andtherein1862mybrotherMauricewasborn,tothedelightofhisparents,ashewasdestinedtobethedelightofallwhoknewhim。“

  Thevoicequickened,andthetonebecameconclusiverisingslightlyinpitch,asifthesewordswereattheendofthechapter。

  Hewetdrewbackagainintotheshadow。Therewasalongsilence。

  Hecouldjusthearchairsbeingmovedinside。Hehadalmostdecidedtogoback,whensuddenlytwofiguresappearedatthewindow,notsixfeetfromhim。

  “ItwasMauriceFielding,ofcourse,thatyourmotherwasengagedto,“

  saidHelen’svoice。Shespokereflectively,lookingoutintothedarkgarden,andthinkingevidentlyasmuchofthelookofthenightasofwhatshewassaying。

  “Mother?“saidRachel。Hewet’sheartleapt,andhenoticedthefact。

  Hervoice,thoughlow,wasfullofsurprise。

  “Youdidn’tknowthat?“saidHelen。

  “Ineverknewthere’dbeenanyoneelse,“saidRachel。Shewasclearlysurprised,butalltheysaidwassaidlowandinexpressively,becausetheywerespeakingoutintothecooldarknight。

  “MorepeoplewereinlovewithherthanwithanyoneI’veeverknown,“

  Helenstated。Shehadthatpower——sheenjoyedthings。Shewasn’tbeautiful,but——Iwasthinkingofherlastnightatthedance。

  Shegotonwitheverykindofperson,andthenshemadeitallsoamazingly——funny。“

  ItappearedthatHelenwasgoingbackintothepast,choosingherwordsdeliberately,comparingTheresawiththepeopleshehadknownsinceTheresadied。

  “Idon’tknowhowshedidit,“shecontinued,andceased,andtherewasalongpause,inwhichalittleowlcalledfirsthere,thenthere,asitmovedfromtreetotreeinthegarden。

  “That’ssolikeAuntLucyandAuntKatie,“saidRachelatlast。

  “Theyalwaysmakeoutthatshewasverysadandverygood。“

  “Thenwhy,forgoodness’sake,didtheydonothingbutcriticizeherwhenshewasalive?“saidHelen。Verygentletheirvoicessounded,asiftheyfellthroughthewavesofthesea。

  “IfIweretodieto-morrow……“shebegan。

  ThebrokensentenceshadanextraordinarybeautyanddetachmentinHewet’sears,andakindofmysterytoo,asthoughtheywerespokenbypeopleintheirsleep。

  “No,Rachel,“Helen’svoicecontinued,“I’mnotgoingtowalkinthegarden;it’sdamp——it’ssuretobedamp;besides,Iseeatleastadozentoads。“

  “Toads?Thosearestones,Helen。Comeout。It’snicerout。

  Theflowerssmell,“Rachelreplied。

  Hewetdrewstillfartherback。Hisheartwasbeatingveryquickly。

  ApparentlyRacheltriedtopullHelenoutontotheterrace,andhelenresisted。Therewasacertainamountofscuffling,entreating,resisting,andlaughterfrombothofthem。Thenaman’sformappeared。Hewetcouldnothearwhattheywereallsaying。

  Inaminutetheyhadgonein;hecouldhearboltsgratingthen;

  therewasdeadsilence,andallthelightswentout。

  Heturnedaway,stillcrumplinganduncrumplingahandfulofleaveswhichhehadtornfromthewall。Anexquisitesenseofpleasureandreliefpossessedhim;itwasallsosolidandpeacefulaftertheballatthehotel,whetherhewasinlovewiththemornot,andhewasnotinlovewiththem;no,butitwasgoodthattheyshouldbealive。

  Afterstandingstillforaminuteortwoheturnedandbegantowalktowardsthegate。Withthemovementofhisbody,theexcitement,theromanceandtherichnessoflifecrowdedintohisbrain。

  Heshoutedoutalineofpoetry,butthewordsescapedhim,andhestumbledamonglinesandfragmentsoflineswhichhadnomeaningatallexceptforthebeautyofthewords。Heshutthegate,andranswingingfromsidetosidedownthehill,shoutinganynonsensethatcameintohishead。“HereamI,“hecriedrhythmically,ashisfeetpoundedtotheleftandtotheright,“plungingalong,likeanelephantinthejungle,strippingthebranchesasIgohesnatchedatthetwigsofabushattheroadside,roaringinnumerablewords,lovelywordsaboutinnumerablethings,runningdownhillandtalkingnonsensealoudtomyselfaboutroadsandleavesandlightsandwomencomingoutintothedarkness——aboutwomen——

  aboutRachel,aboutRachel。“Hestoppedanddrewadeepbreath。

  Thenightseemedimmenseandhospitable,andalthoughsodarkthereseemedtobethingsmovingdownthereintheharbourandmovementoutatsea。Hegazeduntilthedarknessnumbedhim,andthenhewalkedonquickly,stillmurmuringtohimself。“AndIoughttobeinbed,snoringanddreaming,dreaming,dreaming。Dreamsandrealities,dreamsandrealities,dreamsandrealities,“herepeatedallthewayuptheavenue,scarcelyknowingwhathesaid,untilhereachedthefrontdoor。Herehepausedforasecond,andcollectedhimselfbeforeheopenedthedoor。

  Hiseyesweredazed,hishandsverycold,andhisbrainexcitedandyethalfasleep。Insidethedooreverythingwasashehadleftitexceptthatthehallwasnowempty。Therewerethechairsturningintowardseachotherwherepeoplehadsattalking,andtheemptyglassesonlittletables,andthenewspapersscatteredonthefloor。

  Asheshutthedoorhefeltasifhewereenclosedinasquarebox,andinstantlyshrivelledup。Itwasallverybrightandverysmall。

  Hestoppedforaminutebythelongtabletofindapaperwhichhehadmeanttoread,buthewasstilltoomuchundertheinfluenceofthedarkandthefreshairtoconsidercarefullywhichpaperitwasorwherehehadseenit。

  Ashefumbledvaguelyamongthepapershesawafigurecrossthetailofhiseye,comingdownstairs。Heheardtheswishingsoundofskirts,andtohisgreatsurprise,EvelynM。cameuptohim,laidherhandonthetableasiftopreventhimfromtakingupapaper,andsaid:

  “You’rejustthepersonIwantedtotalkto。“Hervoicewasalittleunpleasantandmetallic,hereyeswereverybright,andshekeptthemfixeduponhim。

  “Totalktome?“herepeated。“ButI’mhalfasleep。“

  “ButIthinkyouunderstandbetterthanmostpeople,“sheanswered,andsatdownonalittlechairplacedbesideabigleatherchairsothatHewethadtositdownbesideher。

  “Well?“hesaid。Heyawnedopenly,andlitacigarette。

  Hecouldnotbelievethatthiswasreallyhappeningtohim。

  “Whatisit?“

  “Areyoureallysympathetic,orisitjustapose?“shedemanded。

  “It’sforyoutosay,“hereplied。“I’minterested,Ithink。“

  Hestillfeltnumballoverandasifshewasmuchtooclosetohim。

  “Anyonecanbeinterested!“shecriedimpatiently。“YourfriendMr。Hirst’sinterested,Idaresay。however,Idobelieveinyou。

  Youlookasifyou’dgotanicesister,somehow。“Shepaused,pickingatsomesequinsonherknees,andthen,asifshehadmadeuphermind,shestartedoff,“Anyhow,I’mgoingtoaskyouradvice。

  D’youevergetintoastatewhereyoudon’tknowyourownmind?

  That’sthestateI’minnow。Yousee,lastnightatthedanceRaymondOliver,——he’sthetalldarkboywholooksasifhehadIndianbloodinhim,buthesayshe’snotreally,——well,weweresittingouttogether,andhetoldmeallabouthimself,howunhappyheisathome,andhowhehatesbeingouthere。They’veputhimintosomebeastlyminingbusiness。Hesaysit’sbeastly——Ishouldlikeit,Iknow,butthat’sneitherherenorthere。AndIfeltawfullysorryforhim,onecouldn’thelpbeingsorryforhim,andwhenheaskedmetolethimkissme,Idid。Idon’tseeanyharminthat,doyou?

  Andthenthismorninghesaidhe’dthoughtImeantsomethingmore,andIwasn’tthesorttoletanyonekissme。Andwetalkedandtalked。IdaresayIwasverysilly,butonecan’thelplikingpeoplewhenone’ssorryforthem。Idolikehimmostawfully——“

  Shepaused。“SoIgavehimhalfapromise,andthen,yousee,there’sAlfredPerrott。“

  “Oh,Perrott,“saidHewet。

  “Wegottoknoweachotheronthatpicnictheotherday,“shecontinued。

  “Heseemedsolonely,especiallyasArthurhadgoneoffwithSusan,andonecouldn’thelpguessingwhatwasinhismind。Sowehadquitealongtalkwhenyouwerelookingattheruins,andhetoldmeallabouthislife,andhisstruggles,andhowfearfullyhardithadbeen。

  D’youknow,hewasaboyinagrocer’sshopandtookparcelstopeople’shousesinabasket?Thatinterestedmeawfully,becauseI

  alwayssayitdoesn’tmatterhowyou’rebornifyou’vegottherightstuffinyou。Andhetoldmeabouthissisterwho’sparalysed,poorgirl,andonecanseeshe’sagreattrial,thoughhe’sevidentlyverydevotedtoher。ImustsayIdoadmirepeoplelikethat!

  Idon’texpectyoudobecauseyou’resoclever。Well,lastnightwesatoutinthegardentogether,andIcouldn’thelpseeingwhathewantedtosay,andcomfortinghimalittle,andtellinghimIdidcare——Ireallydo——only,then,there’sRaymondOliver。

  WhatIwantyoutotellmeis,canonebeinlovewithtwopeopleatonce,orcan’tone?“

  Shebecamesilent,andsatwithherchinonherhands,lookingveryintent,asifshewerefacingarealproblemwhichhadtobediscussedbetweenthem。

  “Ithinkitdependswhatsortofpersonyouare,“saidHewet。

  Helookedather。Shewassmallandpretty,agedperhapstwenty-eightortwenty-nine,butthoughdashingandsharplycut,herfeaturesexpressednothingveryclearly,exceptagreatdealofspiritandgoodhealth。

  “Whoareyou,whatareyou;yousee,Iknownothingaboutyou,“

  hecontinued。

  “Well,Iwascomingtothat,“saidEvelynM。Shecontinuedtorestherchinonherhandsandtolookintentlyaheadofher。

  “I’mthedaughterofamotherandnofather,ifthatinterestsyou,“

  shesaid。“It’snotaverynicethingtobe。It’swhatoftenhappensinthecountry。Shewasafarmer’sdaughter,andhewasratheraswell——

  theyoungmanupatthegreathouse。Henevermadethingsstraight——

  nevermarriedher——thoughheallowedusquitealotofmoney。

  Hispeoplewouldn’tlethim。Poorfather!Ican’thelplikinghim。

  Motherwasn’tthesortofwomanwhocouldkeephimstraight,anyhow。

  Hewaskilledinthewar。Ibelievehismenworshippedhim。

  Theysaygreatbigtroopersbrokedownandcriedoverhisbodyonthebattlefield。IwishI’dknownhim。Motherhadallthelifecrushedoutofher。Theworld——“Sheclenchedherfist。

  “Oh,peoplecanbehorridtoawomanlikethat!“SheturneduponHewet。

  “Well,“shesaid,“d’youwanttoknowanymoreaboutme?“

  “Butyou?“heasked,“Wholookedafteryou?“

  “I’velookedaftermyselfmostly,“shelaughed。“I’vehadsplendidfriends。Idolikepeople!That’sthetrouble。

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