TheincompatibilityofMr。Barlowwithallotherportionsofmyyounglifebuthimself，theadamantineinadaptabilityofthemantomyfavouritefanciesandamusements，isthethingforwhichIhatehimmost。WhatrighthadhetoborehiswayintomyArabianNights？Yethedid。HewasalwayshintingdoubtsoftheveracityofSindbadtheSailor。IfhecouldhavegotholdoftheWonderfulLamp，Iknewhewouldhavetrimmeditandlightedit，anddeliveredalectureoveritonthequalitiesofsperm-oil，withaglanceatthewhalefisheries。Hewouldsosoonhavefoundout-onmechanicalprinciples-thepegintheneckoftheEnchantedHorse，andwouldhaveturnedittherightwayinsoworkmanlikeamanner，thatthehorsecouldneverhavegotanyheightintotheair，andthestorycouldn’thavebeen。Hewouldhaveproved，bymapandcompass，thattherewasnosuchkingdomasthedelightfulkingdomofCasgar，onthefrontiersofTartary。HewouldhavecausedthathypocriticalyoungprigHarrytomakeanexperiment，-withtheaidofatemporarybuildinginthegardenandadummy，-demonstratingthatyoucouldn’tletachokedhunchbackdownanEasternchimneywithacord，andleavehimuprightonthehearthtoterrifythesultan’spurveyor。
Thegoldensoundsoftheoverturetothefirstmetropolitanpantomime，Iremember，werealloyedbyMr。Barlow。Clickclick，tingting，bangbang，weedleweedleweedle，bang！Irecallthechillingairthatranacrossmyframeandcooledmyhotdelight，asthethoughtoccurredtome，’ThiswouldneverdoforMr。Barlow！’
Afterthecurtaindrewup，dreadfuldoubtsofMr。Barlow’sconsideringthecostumesoftheNymphsoftheNebulaasbeingsufficientlyopaque，obtrudedthemselvesonmyenjoyment。IntheclownIperceivedtwopersons；oneafascinatingunaccountablecreatureofahecticcomplexion，joyousinspiritsthoughfeebleinintellect，withflashesofbrilliancy；theotherapupilforMr。
Barlow。IthoughthowMr。Barlowwouldsecretlyriseearlyinthemorning，andbutterthepavementforHIM，and，whenhehadbroughthimdown，wouldlookseverelyoutofhisstudywindowandaskHIM
howheenjoyedthefun。
IthoughthowMr。Barlowwouldheatallthepokersinthehouse，andsingehimwiththewholecollection，tobringhimbetteracquaintedwiththepropertiesofincandescentiron，onwhichheBarlowwouldfullyexpatiate。IpicturedMr。Barlow’sinstitutingacomparisonbetweentheclown’sconductathisstudies，-drinkinguptheink，lickinghiscopy-book，andusinghisheadforblotting-paper，-andthatofthealreadymentionedyoungprigofprigs，Harry，sittingattheBarlovianfeet，sneakinglypretendingtobeinaraptureofyouthfulknowledge。I
thoughthowsoonMr。Barlowwouldsmooththeclown’shairdown，insteadoflettingitstanderectinthreetalltufts；andhow，afteracoupleofyearsorsowithMr。Barlow，hewouldkeephislegsclosetogetherwhenhewalked，andwouldtakehishandsoutofhisbigloosepockets，andwouldn’thaveajumpleftinhim。
ThatIamparticularlyignorantwhatmostthingsintheuniversearemadeof，andhowtheyaremade，isanotherofmychargesagainstMr。Barlow。WiththedreaduponmeofdevelopingintoaHarry，andwithafurtherdreaduponmeofbeingBarlowedifImadeinquiries，bybringingdownuponmyselfacoldshower-bathofexplanationsandexperiments，Iforboreenlightenmentinmyyouth，andbecame，astheysayinmelodramas，’thewreckyounowbehold。’
ThatIconsortedwithidlersandduncesisanotherofthemelancholyfactsforwhichIholdMr。Barlowresponsible。Thatpragmaticalprig，Harry，becamesodetestableinmysight，that，hebeingreportedstudiousintheSouth，IwouldhavefledidletotheextremestNorth。BettertolearnmisconductfromaMasterMashthanscienceandstatisticsfromaSandford！SoItookthepath，which，butforMr。Barlow，Imightneverhavetrodden。ThoughtI，withashudder，’Mr。Barlowisabore，withanimmenseconstructivepowerofmakingbores。Hisprizespecimenisabore。Heseekstomakeaboreofme。ThatknowledgeispowerIamnotpreparedtogainsay；but，withMr。Barlow，knowledgeispowertobore。’
ThereforeItookrefugeinthecavesofignorance，whereinIhaveresidedeversince，andwhicharestillmyprivateaddress。
ButtheweightiestchargeofallmychargesagainstMr。Barlowis，thathestillwalkstheearthinvariousdisguises，seekingtomakeaTommyofme，eveninmymaturity。Irrepressible，instructivemonomaniac，Mr。Barlowfillsmylifewithpitfalls，andlieshidingatthebottomtoburstoutuponmewhenIleastexpecthim。
Afewofthesedismalexperiencesofmineshallsuffice。
KnowingMr。Barlowtohaveinvestedlargelyinthemovingpanoramatrade，andhavingonvariousoccasionsidentifiedhiminthedarkwithalongwandinhishand，holdingforthinhisoldwaymademoreappallinginthisconnectionbyhissometimescrackingapieceofMr。Carlyle’sownDead-Seafruitinmistakeforajoke，I
systematicallyshunpictorialentertainmentonrollers。Similarly，IshoulddemandresponsiblebailandguarantyagainsttheappearanceofMr。Barlow，beforecommittingmyselftoattendanceatanyassemblageofmyfellow-creatureswhereabottleofwaterandanote-bookwereconspicuousobjects；forineitherofthoseassociations，Ishouldexpresslyexpecthim。Butsuchisthedesigningnatureoftheman，thathestealsinwherenoreasoningprecautionorprovisioncouldexpecthim。Asinthefollowingcase:-
AdjoiningtheCavesofIgnoranceisacountrytown。InthiscountrytowntheMississippiMomuses，nineinnumber，wereannouncedtoappearinthetown-hall，forthegeneraldelectation，thislastChristmasweek。KnowingMr。BarlowtobeunconnectedwiththeMississippi，thoughholdingrepublicanopinions，anddeemingmyselfsecure，Itookastall。MyobjectwastohearandseetheMississippiMomusesinwhatthebillsdescribedastheir’Nationalballads，plantationbreak-downs，niggerpart-songs，choiceconundrums，sparklingrepartees，&c。’Ifoundtheninedressedalike，intheblackcoatandtrousers，whitewaistcoat，verylargeshirt-front，verylargeshirt-collar，andverylargewhitetieandwristbands，whichconstitutethedressofthemassoftheAfricanrace，andwhichhasbeenobservedbytravellerstoprevailoveravastnumberofdegreesoflatitude。Alltheninerolledtheireyesexceedingly，andhadveryredlips。Attheextremitiesofthecurvetheyformed，seatedintheirchairs，weretheperformersonthetambourineandbones。ThecentreMomus，ablackofmelancholyaspectwhoinspiredmewithavagueuneasinessforwhichIcouldnotthenaccount，performedonaMississippiinstrumentcloselyresemblingwhatwasoncecalledinthisislandahurdy-gurdy。TheMomusesoneithersideofhimhadeachanotherinstrumentpeculiartotheFatherofWaters，whichmaybelikenedtoastringedweather-glassheldupsidedown。Therewerelikewisealittlefluteandaviolin。Allwentwellforawhile，andwehadhadseveralsparklingreparteesexchangedbetweentheperformersonthetambourineandbones，whentheblackofmelancholyaspect，turningtothelatter，andaddressinghiminadeepandimprovingvoiceas’Bones，sir，’deliveredcertaingraveremarkstohimconcerningthejuvenilespresent，andtheseasonoftheyear；
whereonIperceivedthatIwasinthepresenceofMr。Barlow-
corked！
Anothernight-andthiswasinLondon-Iattendedtherepresentationofalittlecomedy。Asthecharacterswerelifelikeandconsequentlynotimproving，andastheywentupontheirseveralwaysanddesignswithoutpersonallyaddressingthemselvestome，IfeltratherconfidentofcomingthroughitwithoutbeingregardedasTommy，themoreso，aswewereclearlygettingclosetotheend。ButIdeceivedmyself。Allofasudden，Aproposofnothing，everybodyconcernedcametoacheckandhalt，advancedtothefoot-lightsinageneralrallytotakedeadaimatme，andbroughtmedownwithamoralhomily，inwhichIdetectedthedreadhandofBarlow。
Nay，sointricateandsubtlearethetoilsofthishunter，thatontheverynextnightafterthat，Iwasagainentrapped，wherenovestigeofaspringcouldhavebeenapprehendedbythetimidest。
ItwasaburlesquethatIsawperformed；anuncompromisingburlesque，whereeverybodyconcerned，butespeciallytheladies，carriedonataveryconsiderablerateindeed。MostprominentandactiveamongthecorpsofperformerswaswhatItooktobeandshereallygavemeveryfairopportunitiesofcomingtoarightconclusionayoungladyofaprettyfigure。Shewasdressedasapicturesqueyounggentleman，whosepantaloonshadbeencutoffintheirinfancy；andshehadveryneatkneesandveryneatsatinboots。Immediatelyaftersingingaslangsonganddancingaslangdance，thisengagingfigureapproachedthefatallamps，and，bendingoverthem，deliveredinathrillingvoicearandomeulogiumon，andexhortationtopursue，thevirtues。’GreatHeaven！’wasmyexclamation；’Barlow！’
ThereisstillanotheraspectinwhichMr。BarlowperpetuallyinsistsonmysustainingthecharacterofTommy，whichismoreunendurableyet，onaccountofitsextremeaggressiveness。Forthepurposesofareviewornewspaper，hewillgetupanabstrusesubjectwithdefinitepains，willBarlow，utterlyregardlessofthepriceofmidnightoil，andindeedofeverythingelse，savecramminghimselftotheeyes。
Butmark。WhenMr。Barlowblowshisinformationoff，heisnotcontentedwithhavingrammedithome，anddischargedituponme，Tommy，histarget，buthepretendsthathewasalwaysinpossessionofit，andmadenothingofit，-thatheimbibeditwithmother’smilk，-andthatI，thewretchedTommy，ammostabjectlybehindhandinnothavingdonethesame。Iask，whyisTommytobealwaysthefoilofMr。Barlowtothisextent？WhatMr。Barlowhadnottheslightestnotionofhimself，aweekago，itsurelycannotbeanyveryheavybackslidinginmenottohaveatmyfingers’endsto-
day！AndyetMr。Barlowsystematicallycarriesitovermewithahighhand，andwilltauntinglyaskme，inhisarticles，whetheritispossiblethatIamnotawarethateveryschool-boyknowsthatthefourteenthturningontheleftinthesteppesofRussiawillconducttosuchandsuchawanderingtribe？withotherdisparagingquestionsoflikenature。So，whenMr。BarlowaddressesalettertoanyjournalasavolunteercorrespondentwhichIfrequentlyfindhimdoing，hewillpreviouslyhavegottensomebodytotellhimsometremendoustechnicality，andwillwriteinthecoolestmanner，’Now，sir，Imayassumethateveryreaderofyourcolumns，possessingaverageinformationandintelligence，knowsaswellasI
dothat’-saythatthedraughtfromthetouch-holeofacannonofsuchacalibrebearssuchaproportioninthenicestfractionstothedraughtfromthemuzzle；orsomeequallyfamiliarlittlefact。
Butwhateveritis，becertainthatitalwaystendstotheexaltationofMr。Barlow，andthedepressionofhisenforcedandenslavedpupil。
Mr。Barlow’sknowledgeofmyownpursuitsIfindtobesoprofound，thatmyownknowledgeofthembecomesasnothing。Mr。Barlowdisguisedandbearingafeignedname，butdetectedbymehasoccasionallytaughtme，inasonorousvoice，fromendtoendofalongdinner-table，triflesthatItookthelibertyofteachinghimfive-and-twentyyearsago。MyclosingarticleofimpeachmentagainstMr。Barlowis，thathegoesouttobreakfast，goesouttodinner，goesouteverywhere，highandlow，andthatheWILLpreachtome，andthatICAN’Tgetridofhim。HemakesmeaPrometheanTommy，bound；andheisthevulturethatgorgesitselfupontheliverofmyuninstructedmind。