fish，justcaughtfrequentlyjustcaughtoffNamelesston，whocarriedhimaboutinahamper，andpressedthescientifictolookinatthelid。
ThesandsofthehourhadallrunoutwhenwegotbacktotheTemeraire。SaysBullfinch，then，totheyouthinlivery，withboldness，’Lavatory！’
Whenwearrivedatthefamilyvaultwithaskylight，whichtheyouthinliverypresentedastheinstitutionsought，wehadalreadywhiskedoffourcravatsandcoats；butfindingourselvesinthepresenceofanevilsmell，andnolinenbuttwocrumpledtowelsnewlydampfromthecountenancesoftwosomebodyelses，weputonourcravatsandcoatsagain，andfledunwashedtothecoffee-room。
Therethewaiterwhooughttowaituponushadsetforthourknivesandforksandglasses，ontheclothwhosedirtyacquaintancewehadalreadyhadthepleasureofmaking，andwhichwewerepleasedtorecognisebythefamiliarexpressionofitsstains。Andnowthereoccurredthetrulysurprisingphenomenon，thatthewaiterwhooughtnottowaituponusswoopeddownuponus，clutchedourloafofbread，andvanishedwiththesame。
Bullfinch，withdistractedeyes，wasfollowingthisunaccountablefigure’outattheportal，’liketheghostinHamlet，whenthewaiterwhooughttowaituponusjostledagainstit，carryingatureen。
’Waiter！’saidaseverediner，latelyfinished，perusinghisbillfiercelythroughhiseye-glass。
Thewaiterputdownourtureenonaremoteside-table，andwenttoseewhatwasamissinthisnewdirection。
’Thisisnotright，youknow，waiter。Lookhere！here’syesterday’ssherry，oneandeightpence，andhereweareagain，twoshillings。Andwhatdoessixpencemean？’
Sofarfromknowingwhatsixpencemeant，thewaiterprotestedthathedidn’tknowwhatanythingmeant。Hewipedtheperspirationfromhisclammybrow，andsaiditwasimpossibletodoit，-notparticularisingwhat，-andthekitchenwassofaroff。
’Takethebilltothebar，andgetitaltered，’saidMr。
IndignationCocker，sotocallhim。
Thewaitertookit，lookedintenselyatit，didn’tseemtoliketheideaoftakingittothebar，andsubmitted，asanewlightuponthecase，thatperhapssixpencemeantsixpence。
’Itellyouagain，’saidMr。IndignationCocker，’here’syesterday’ssherry-can’tyouseeit？-oneandeightpence，andhereweareagain，twoshillings。Whatdoyoumakeofoneandeightpenceandtwoshillings？’
Totallyunabletomakeanythingofoneandeightpenceandtwoshillings，thewaiterwentouttotryifanybodyelsecould；merelycastingahelplessbackwardglanceatBullfinch，inacknowledgementofhispatheticentreatiesforoursoup-tureen。Afterapause，duringwhichMr。IndignationCockerreadanewspaperandcougheddefiantcoughs，Bullfincharosetogetthetureen，whenthewaiterreappearedandbroughtit，-droppingMr。IndignationCocker’salteredbillonMr。IndignationCocker’stableashecamealong。
’It’squiteimpossibletodoit，gentlemen，’murmuredthewaiter；
’andthekitchenissofaroff。’
’Well，youdon’tkeepthehouse；it’snotyourfault，wesuppose。
Bringsomesherry。’
’Waiter！’fromMr。IndignationCocker，withanewandburningsenseofinjuryuponhim。
Thewaiter，arrestedonhiswaytooursherry，stoppedshort，andcamebacktoseewhatwaswrongnow。
’Willyoulookhere？Thisisworsethanbefore。DOyouunderstand？Here’syesterday’ssherry，oneandeightpence，andhereweareagaintwoshillings。Andwhatthedevildoesninepencemean？’
Thisnewportentutterlyconfoundedthewaiter。Hewrunghisnapkin，andmutelyappealedtotheceiling。
’Waiter，fetchthatsherry，’saysBullfinch，inopenwrathandrevolt。
’Iwanttoknow，’persistedMr。IndignationCocker，’themeaningofninepence。Iwanttoknowthemeaningofsherryoneandeightpenceyesterday，andofhereweareagaintwoshillings。Sendsomebody。’
Thedistractedwaitergotoutoftheroomonpretextofsendingsomebody，andbythatmeansgotourwine。Buttheinstantheappearedwithourdecanter，Mr。IndignationCockerdescendedonhimagain。
’Waiter！’
’Youwillnowhavethegoodnesstoattendtoourdinner，waiter，’
saidBullfinch，sternly。
’Iamverysorry，butit’squiteimpossibletodoit，gentlemen，’
pleadedthewaiter；’andthekitchen-’
’Waiter！’saidMr。IndignationCocker。
’-Is，’resumedthewaiter，’sofaroff，that-’
’Waiter！’persistedMr。IndignationCocker，’sendsomebody。’
Wewerenotwithoutourfearsthatthewaiterrushedouttohanghimself；andweweremuchrelievedbyhisfetchingsomebody，-ingraceful，flowingskirtsandwithawaist，-whoverysoonsettledMr。IndignationCocker’sbusiness。
’Oh！’saidMr。Cocker，withhisfiresurprisinglyquenchedbythisapparition；’Iwishedtoaskaboutthisbillofmine，becauseitappearstomethatthere’salittlemistakehere。Letmeshowyou。
Here’syesterday’ssherryoneandeightpence，andhereweareagaintwoshillings。Andhowdoyouexplainninepence？’
Howeveritwasexplained，intonestoosofttobeoverheard。Mr。
Cockerwasheardtosaynothingmorethan’Ah-h-h！Indeed；thankyou！Yes，’andshortlyafterwardswentout，amilderman。
Thelonelytravellerwiththestomach-achehadallthistimesufferedseverely，drawingupalegnowandthen，andsippinghotbrandy-and-waterwithgratedgingerinit。Whenwetastedourverymock-turtlesoup，andwereinstantlyseizedwithsymptomsofsomedisordersimulatingapoplexy，andoccasionedbythesurchargeofnoseandbrainwithlukewarmdish-waterholdinginsolutionsourflour，poisonouscondiments，andsayseventy-fivepercent。ofmiscellaneouskitchenstuffrolledintoballs，wewereinclinedtotracehisdisordertothatsource。Ontheotherhand，therewasasilentanguishuponhimtoostronglyresemblingtheresultsestablishedwithinourselvesbythesherry，tobediscardedfromalarmedconsideration。Again，weobservedhim，withterror，tobemuchovercomebyoursole’sbeingairedinatemporaryretreatclosetohim，whilethewaiterwentoutasweconceivedtoseehisfriends。Andwhenthecurrymadeitsappearancehesuddenlyretiredingreatdisorder。
Infine，fortheuneatablepartofthislittledinnerascontradistinguishedfromtheundrinkablewepaidonlysevenshillingsandsixpenceeach。AndBullfinchandIagreedunanimously，thatnosuchill-served，ill-appointed，ill-cooked，nastylittledinnercouldbegotforthemoneyanywhereelseunderthesun。Withthatcomforttoourbacks，weturnedthemonthedearoldTemeraire，thechargingTemeraire，andresolvedintheScotchdialecttogangnaemairtotheflabbyTemeraire。
Agreatreaderofgoodfictionatanunusuallyearlyage，itseemstomeasthoughIhadbeenbornunderthesuperintendenceoftheestimablebutterrificgentlemanwhosenamestandsattheheadofmypresentreflections。Theinstructivemonomaniac，Mr。Barlow，willberememberedasthetutorofMasterHarrySandfordandMasterTommyMerton。Hekneweverything，anddidacticallyimprovedallsortsofoccasions，fromtheconsumptionofaplateofcherriestothecontemplationofastarlightnight。WhatyouthcametowithoutMr。BarlowwasdisplayedinthehistoryofSandfordandMerton，bytheexampleofacertainawfulMasterMash。Thisyoungwretchworebucklesandpowder，conductedhimselfwithinsupportablelevityatthetheatre，hadnoideaoffacingamadbullsingle-handedinwhichIthinkhimlessreprehensible，asremotelyreflectingmyowncharacter，andwasafrightfulinstanceoftheenervatingeffectsofluxuryuponthehumanrace。
StrangedestinyonthepartofMr。Barlow，togodowntoposterityaschildhood’sexperienceofabore！ImmortalMr。Barlow，boringhiswaythroughtheverdantfreshnessofages！
MypersonalindictmentagainstMr。Barlowisoneofmanycounts。I
willproceedtosetforthafewoftheinjurieshehasdoneme。
Inthefirstplace，henevermadeortookajoke。ThisinsensibilityonMr。Barlow’spartnotonlycastitsowngloomovermyboyhood，butblightedeventhesixpennyjest-booksofthetime；
for，groaningunderamoralspellconstrainingmetoreferallthingstoMr。Barlow，Icouldnotchoosebutaskmyselfinawhisperwhentickledbyaprintedjest，’WhatwouldHEthinkofit？
WhatwouldHEseeinit？’Thepointofthejestimmediatelybecameasting，andstungmyconscience。Formymind’seyesawhimstolid，frigid，perchancetakingfromitsshelfsomedrearyGreekbook，andtranslatingatfulllengthwhatsomedismalsagesaidandtouchedupafterwards，perhaps，forpublication，whenhebanishedsomeunluckyjokerfromAthens。