becamehysterical，andswoonedasifIhadbeenthedeathofher。
Anaffectingscenefollowed，duringwhichIwashandedaboutandpokedatherbyvariouspeople，asifIwerethebottleofsalts。
Revivingalittle，sheembracedme，said，’Youknewhimwell，dearMasterUncommercial，andheknewyou！’andfaintedagain:which，astherestoftheCoatofArmssoothinglysaid，’donehercredit。’
Now，Iknewthatsheneedn’thavefaintedunlesssheliked，andthatshewouldn’thavefaintedunlessithadbeenexpectedofher，quiteaswellasIknowitatthisday。Itmademefeeluncomfortableandhypocriticalbesides。IwasnotsurebutthatitmightbemannersinMEtofaintnext，andIresolvedtokeepmyeyeonFlanders’suncle，andifIsawanysignsofhisgoinginthatdirection，togotoo，politely。ButFlanders’sunclewhowasaweaklittleoldretailgrocerhadonlyoneidea，whichwasthatweallwantedtea；andhehandeduscupsofteaallround，incessantly，whetherwerefusedornot。TherewasayoungnephewofFlanders’spresent，towhomFlanders，itwasrumoured，hadleftnineteenguineas。Hedrankalltheteathatwasofferedhim，thisnephew-amounting，Ishouldsay，toseveralquarts-andateasmuchplum-cakeashecouldpossiblycomeby；buthefeltittobedecentmourningthatheshouldnowandthenstopinthemidstofalumpofcake，andappeartoforgetthathismouthwasfull，inthecontemplationofhisuncle’smemory。Ifeltallthistobethefaultoftheundertaker，whowashandingusglovesonatea-trayasiftheyweremuffins，andtyingusintocloaksminehadtobepinnedupallround，itwassolongforme，becauseIknewthathewasmakinggame。So，whenwegotoutintothestreets，andI
constantlydisarrangedtheprocessionbytumblingonthepeoplebeforemebecausemyhandkerchiefblindedmyeyes，andtrippingupthepeoplebehindmebecausemycloakwassolong，Ifeltthatwewereallmakinggame。IwastrulysorryforFlanders，butIknewthatitwasnoreasonwhyweshouldbetryingthewomenwiththeirheadsinhoodslikecoal-scuttleswiththeblacksideoutwardtokeepstepwithamaninascarf，carryingathinglikeamourningspy-glass，whichhewasgoingtoopenpresentlyandsweepthehorizonwith。Iknewthatweshouldnotallhavebeenspeakinginoneparticularkey-notestruckbytheundertaker，ifwehadnotbeenmakinggame。Eveninourfaceswewereeveryoneofusasliketheundertakerasifwehadbeenhisownfamily，andI
perceivedthatthiscouldnothavehappenedunlesswehadbeenmakinggame。WhenwereturnedtoSally’s，itwasallofapiece。
Thecontinuedimpossibilityofgettingonwithoutplum-cake；theceremoniousapparitionofapairofdecanterscontainingportandsherryandcork；Sally’ssisteratthetea-table，clinkingthebestcrockeryandshakingherheadmournfullyeverytimeshelookeddownintotheteapot，asifitwerethetomb；theCoatofArmsagain，andSallyasbefore；lastly，thewordsofconsolationadministeredtoSallywhenitwasconsideredrightthatsheshould’comeroundnicely:’whichwere，thatthedeceasedhadhad’ascom-for-ta-bleafu-ne-ralascomfortablecouldbe！’
OtherfuneralshaveIseenwithgrown-upeyes，sincethatday，ofwhichtheburdenhasbeenthesamechildishburden。Makinggame。
Realaffliction，realgriefandsolemnity，havebeenoutraged，andthefuneralhasbeen’performed。’Thewasteforwhichthefuneralcustomsofmanytribesofsavagesareconspicuous，hasattendedthesecivilisedobsequies；andonce，andtwice，haveIwishedinmysoulthatifthewastemustbe，theywouldlettheundertakerburythemoney，andletmeburythefriend。
InFrance，uponthewhole，theseceremoniesaremoresensiblyregulated，becausetheyareuponthewholelessexpensivelyregulated。IcannotsaythatIhaveeverbeenmuchedifiedbythecustomoftyingabibandaprononthefrontofthehouseofmourning，orthatIwouldmyselfparticularlycaretobedriventomygraveinanoddingandbobbingcar，likeaninfirmfour-postbedstead，byaninkyfellow-creatureinacocked-hat。ButitmaybethatIamconstitutionallyinsensibletothevirtuesofacocked-hat。InprovincialFrance，thesolemnitiesaresufficientlyhideous，butarefewandcheap。Thefriendsandtownsmenofthedeparted，intheirowndressesandnotmasqueradingundertheauspicesoftheAfricanConjurer，surroundthehand-bier，andoftencarryit。Itisnotconsideredindispensabletostiflethebearers，oreventoelevatetheburdenontheirshoulders；
consequentlyitiseasilytakenup，andeasilysetdown，andiscarriedthroughthestreetswithoutthedistressingflounderingandshufflingthatweseeathome。Adirtypriestortwo，andadirtieracolyteortwo，donotlendanyespecialgracetotheproceedings；andIregardwithpersonalanimositythebassoon，whichisblownatintervalsbythebig-leggedpriestitisalwaysabig-leggedpriestwhoblowsthebassoon，whenhisfellowscombineinalugubriousstalwartdrawl。ButthereisfarlessoftheConjurerandtheMedicineManinthebusinessthanunderlikecircumstanceshere。Thegrimcoachesthatwereserveexpresslyforsuchshows，arenon-existent；ifthecemeterybefaroutofthetown，thecoachesthatarehiredforotherpurposesoflifearehiredforthispurpose；andalthoughthehonestvehiclesmakenopretenceofbeingovercome，Ihavenevernoticedthatthepeopleinthemweretheworseforit。InItaly，thehoodedMembersofConfraternitieswhoattendonfunerals，aredismalanduglytolookupon；buttheservicestheyrenderareatleastvoluntarilyrendered，andimpoverishnoone，andcostnothing。Whyshouldhighcivilisationandlowsavageryevercometogetheronthepointofmakingthemawantonlywastefulandcontemptiblesetofforms？
OnceIlostafriendbydeath，whohadbeentroubledinhistimebytheMedicineManandtheConjurer，anduponwhoselimitedresourcestherewereabundantclaims。TheConjurerassuredmethatImustpositively’follow，’andbothheandtheMedicineManentertainednodoubtthatImustgoinablackcarriage，andmustwear’fittings。’Iobjectedtofittingsashavingnothingtodowithmyfriendship，andIobjectedtotheblackcarriageasbeinginmoresensesthanoneajob。So，itcameintomymindtotrywhatwouldhappenifIquietlywalked，inmyownway，frommyownhousetomyfriend’sburial-place，andstoodbesidehisopengraveinmyowndressandperson，reverentlylisteningtothebestofServices。Itsatisfiedmymind，Ifound，quiteaswellasifIhadbeendisguisedinahiredhatbandandscarfbothtrailingtomyveryheels，andasifIhadcosttheorphanchildren，intheirgreatestneed，tenguineas。
Cananyonewhoeverbeheldthestupendousabsurditiesattendanton’AmessagefromtheLords’intheHouseofCommons，turnupontheMedicineManofthepoorIndians？Hasheany’Medicine’inthatdriedskinpouchofhis，sosupremelyludicrousasthetwoMastersinChanceryholdinguptheirblackpetticoatsandbuttingtheirridiculouswigsatMr。Speaker？Yetthereareauthoritiesinnumerabletotellme-asthereareauthoritiesinnumerableamongtheIndianstotellthem-thatthenonsenseisindispensable，andthatitsabrogationwouldinvolvemostawfulconsequences。Whatwouldanyrationalcreaturewhohadneverheardofjudicialandforensic’fittings，’thinkoftheCourtofCommonPleasonthefirstdayofTerm？OrwithwhatanawakenedsenseofhumourwouldLIVINGSTONE’Saccountofasimilarscenebeperused，ifthefurandredclothandgoats’hairandhorsehairandpowderedchalkandblackpatchesonthetopofthehead，wereallatTalaMungongoinsteadofWestminster？Thatmodelmissionaryandgoodbravemanfoundatleastonetribeofblackswithaverystrongsenseoftheridiculous，insomuchthatalthoughanamiableanddocilepeople，theynevercouldseetheMissionariesdisposeoftheirlegsintheattitudeofkneeling，orhearthembeginahymninchorus，withoutburstingintoroarsofirrepressiblelaughter。ItismuchtobehopedthatnomemberofthisfacetioustribemayeverfindhiswaytoEnglandandgetcommittedforcontemptofCourt。
IntheTongaIslandalreadymentioned，thereareasetofpersonagescalledMataboos-orsomesuchname-whoarethemastersofallthepublicceremonies，andwhoknowtheexactplaceinwhicheverychiefmustsitdownwhenasolemnpublicmeetingtakesplace:ameetingwhichbearsafamilyresemblancetoourownPublicDinner，inrespectofitsbeingamainpartoftheproceedingsthateverygentlemanpresentisrequiredtodrinksomethingnasty。TheseMataboosareaprivilegedorder，soimportantistheiravocation，andtheymakethemostoftheirhighfunctions。AlongwayoutoftheTongaIslands，indeed，ratherneartheBritishIslands，wastherenocallinginoftheMataboostheotherdaytosettleanearth-convulsingquestionofprecedence；
andwastherenoweightyopiniondeliveredonthepartoftheMatabooswhich，beinginterpretedtothatunluckytribeofblackswiththesenseoftheridiculous，wouldinfalliblysetthewholepopulationscreamingwithlaughter？
Mysenseofjusticedemandstheadmission，however，thatthisisnotquiteaone-sidedquestion。IfwesubmitourselvesmeeklytotheMedicineManandtheConjurer，andarenotexaltedbyit，thesavagesmayretortuponusthatweactmoreunwiselythantheyinothermatterswhereinwefailtoimitatethem。Itisawidelydiffusedcustomamongsavagetribes，whentheymeettodiscussanyaffairofpublicimportance，tositupallnightmakingahorriblenoise，dancing，blowingshells，andincaseswheretheyarefamiliarwithfire-armsflyingoutintoopenplacesandlettingoffguns。Itisquestionablewhetherourlegislativeassembliesmightnottakeahintfromthis。Ashellisnotamelodiouswind-
instrument，anditismonotonous；butitisasmusicalas，andnotmoremonotonousthan，myHonourablefriend’sowntrumpet，orthetrumpetthatheblowssohardfortheMinister。TheuselessnessofarguingwithanysupporterofaGovernmentorofanOpposition，iswellknown。Trydancing。Itisabetterexercise，andhastheunspeakablerecommendationthatitcouldn’tbereported。Thehonourableandsavagememberwhohasaloadedgun，andhasgrownimpatientofdebate，plungesoutofdoors，firesintheair，andreturnscalmandsilenttothePalaver。Letthehonourableandcivilisedmembersimilarlychargedwithaspeech，dartintothecloistersofWestminsterAbbeyinthesilenceofnight，lethisspeechoff，andcomebackharmless。Itisnotatfirstsightaveryrationalcustomtopaintabroadbluestripeacrossone’snoseandbothcheeks，andabroadredstripefromtheforeheadtothechin，toattachafewpoundsofwoodtoone’sunderlip，tostickfish-bonesinone’searsandabrasscurtain-ringinone’snose，andtorubone’sbodyalloverwithrancidoil，asapreliminarytoenteringonbusiness。Butthisisaquestionoftasteandceremony，andsoistheWindsorUniform。Themannerofenteringonthebusinessitselfisanotherquestion。Acouncilofsixhundredsavagegentlemenentirelyindependentoftailors，sittingontheirhamsinaring，smoking，andoccasionallygrunting，seemtome，accordingtotheexperienceIhavegatheredinmyvoyagesandtravels，somehowtodowhattheycometogetherfor；whereasthatisnotatallthegeneralexperienceofacouncilofsixhundredcivilisedgentlemenverydependentontailorsandsittingonmechanicalcontrivances。ItisbetterthatanAssemblyshoulddoitsutmosttoenvelopitselfinsmoke，thanthatitshoulddirectitsendeavourstoenvelopingthepublicinsmoke；andIwouldratheritburiedhalfahundredhatchetsthanburiedonesubjectdemandingattention。