’Port！’’Port！’’Steady！’’Steady！’’Goon！’’Goon！’
Astoutwoodenwedgedriveninatmyrighttempleandoutatmyleft，afloatingdepositoflukewarmoilinmythroat，andacompressionofthebridgeofmynoseinabluntpairofpincers，-
thesearethepersonalsensationsbywhichIknowweareoff，andbywhichIshallcontinuetoknowituntilIamonthesoilofFrance。Mysymptomshavescarcelyestablishedthemselvescomfortably，whentwoorthreeskatingshadowsthathavebeentryingtowalkorstand，getflungtogether，andothertwoorthreeshadowsintarpaulinslidewiththemintocornersandcoverthemup。ThentheSouthForelandlightsbegintohiccupatusinawaythatbodesnogood。
ItisataboutthisperiodthatmydetestationofCalaisknowsnobounds。InwardlyIresolveafreshthatIneverwillforgivethathatedtown。Ihavedonesobefore，manytimes，butthatispast。
Letmeregisteravow。ImplacableanimositytoCalaiseverm-thatwasanawkwardsea，andthefunnelseemsofmyopinion，foritgivesacomplainingroar。
ThewindblowsstifflyfromtheNor-East，thesearunshigh，weshipadealofwater，thenightisdarkandcold，andtheshapelesspassengerslieaboutinmelancholybundles，asiftheyweresortedoutforthelaundress；butformyownuncommercialpartIcannotpretendthatIammuchinconveniencedbyanyofthesethings。A
generalhowling，whistling，flopping，gurgling，andscooping，Iamawareof，andageneralknockingaboutofNature；buttheimpressionsIreceiveareveryvague。Inasweetfainttemper，somethinglikethesmellofdamagedoranges，IthinkIshouldfeellanguidlybenevolentifIhadtime。Ihavenottime，becauseIamunderacuriouscompulsiontooccupymyselfwiththeIrishmelodies。’Richandrarewerethegemsshewore，’istheparticularmelodytowhichIfindmyselfdevoted。Isingittomyselfinthemostcharmingmannerandwiththegreatestexpression。Nowandthen，IraisemyheadIamsittingonthehardestofwetseats，inthemostuncomfortableofwetattitudes，butIdon’tmindit，andnoticethatIamawhirlingshuttlecockbetweenafierybattledoreofalighthouseontheFrenchcoastandafierybattledoreofalighthouseontheEnglishcoast；butI
don’tnoticeitparticularly，excepttofeelenvenomedinmyhatredofCalais。ThenIgoonagain，’Richandrarewerethege-emsshe-
e-e-ewore，Andabrightgoldringonherwa-andshebo-ore，ButO
herbeautywasfa-a-a-a-rbeyond’-Iamparticularlyproudofmyexecutionhere，whenIbecomeawareofanotherawkwardshockfromthesea，andanotherprotestfromthefunnel，andafellow-creatureatthepaddle-boxmoreaudiblyindisposedthanIthinkheneedbe-
’Hersparklinggems，orsnow-whitewand，ButOherbeautywasfa-a-
a-a-a-rbeyond’-anotherawkwardonehere，andthefellow-creaturewiththeumbrelladownandpickedup-’Herspa-a-rklingge-ems，orherPort！port！steady！steady！snow-whitefellow-creatureatthepaddle-boxveryselfishlyaudible，bump，roar，wash，whitewand。’
AsmyexecutionoftheIrishmelodiespartakesofmyimperfectperceptionsofwhatisgoingonaroundme，sowhatisgoingonaroundmebecomessomethingelsethanwhatitis。Thestokersopenthefurnacedoorsbelow，tofeedthefires，andIamagainontheboxoftheoldExeterTelegraphfastcoach，andthatisthelightoftheforeverextinguishedcoach-lamps，andthegleamonthehatchesandpaddle-boxesisTHEIRgleamoncottagesandhaystacks，andthemonotonousnoiseoftheenginesisthesteadyjingleofthesplendidteam。Anon，theintermittentfunnelroarofprotestateveryviolentroll，becomestheregularblastofahighpressureengine，andIrecognisetheexceedinglyexplosivesteamerinwhichIascendedtheMississippiwhentheAmericancivilwarwasnot，andwhenonlyitscauseswere。Afragmentofmastonwhichthelightofalanternfalls，anendofrope，andajerkingblockorso，becomesuggestiveofFranconi’sCircusatPariswhereIshallbethisverynightmayhapforitmustbemorningnow，andtheydancetotheself-sametimeandtuneasthetrainedsteed，BlackRaven。
Whatmaybethespecialityofthesewavesastheycomerushingon，Icannotdesertthepressingdemandsmadeuponmebythegemsshewore，toinquire，buttheyarechargedwithsomethingaboutRobinsonCrusoe，andIthinkitwasinYarmouthRoadsthathefirstwentaseafaringandwasnearfounderingwhataterrificsoundthatwordhadformewhenIwasaboy！inhisfirstgaleofwind。
Still，throughallthis，ImustaskherwhoWASsheIwonder！forthefiftiethtime，andwithouteverstopping，Doesshenotfeartostray，Soloneandlovelythroughthisbleakway，AndareErin’ssonssogoodorsocold，Asnottobetemptedbymorefellow-
creaturesatthepaddle-boxorgold？SirKnightIfeelnottheleastalarm，NosonofErinwilloffermeharm，Forthoughtheylovefellow-creaturewithumbrelladownagainandgoldenstore，SirKnighttheywhatatremendousonelovehonourandvirtuemore:ForthoughtheyloveStewardswithabull’seyebright，they’lltroubleyouforyourticket，sir-roughpassageto-night！
Ifreelyadmitittobeamiserablepieceofhumanweaknessandinconsistency，butInosoonerbecomeconsciousofthoselastwordsfromthestewardthanIbegintosoftentowardsCalais。WhereasI
havebeenvindictivelywishingthatthoseCalaisburgherswhocameoutoftheirtownbyashortcutintotheHistoryofEngland，withthosefatalropesroundtheirnecksbywhichtheyhavesincebeentowedintosomanycartoons，hadallbeenhangedonthespot，Inowbegintoregardthemashighlyrespectableandvirtuoustradesmen。
Lookingaboutme，IseethelightofCapeGrinezwellasternoftheboatonthedavitstoleeward，andthelightofCalaisHarbourundeniablyatitsoldtricks，butstillaheadandshining。
SentimentsofforgivenessofCalais，nottosayofattachmenttoCalais，begintoexpandmybosom。IhaveweaknotionsthatIwillstaythereadayortwoonmywayback。Afadedandrecumbentstrangerpausinginaprofoundreverieovertherimofabasin，asksmewhatkindofplaceCalaisis？ItellhimHeavenforgiveme！averyagreeableplaceindeed-ratherhillythanotherwise。
Sostrangelygoesthetime，andonthewholesoquickly-thoughstillIseemtohavebeenonboardaweek-thatIambumped，rolled，gurgled，washedandpitchedintoCalaisHarbourbeforehermaidensmilehasfinallylightedherthroughtheGreenIsle，Whenblestforeverisshewhorelied，OnenteringCalaisatthetopofthetide。Forwehavenottolandto-nightdownamongthoseslimytimbers-coveredwithgreenhairasifitwerethemermaids’
favouritecombing-place-whereonecrawlstothesurfaceofthejetty，likeastrandedshrimp，butwegosteaminguptheharbourtotheRailwayStationQuay。Andaswego，theseawashesinandoutamongpilesandplanks，withdeadheavybeatsandinquiteafuriousmannerwhereofweareproud，andthelampsshakeinthewind，andthebellsofCalaisstrikingOneseemtosendtheirvibrationsstrugglingagainsttroubledair，aswehavecomestrugglingagainsttroubledwater。Andnow，inthesuddenreliefandwipingoffaces，everybodyonboardseemstohavehadaprodigiousdouble-toothout，andtobethisveryinstantfreeoftheDentist’shands。Andnowweallknowforthefirsttimehowwetandcoldweare，andhowsaltweare；andnowIloveCalaiswithmyheartofhearts！
’HotelDessin！’butinthisonecaseitisnotavocalcry；itisbutabrightlustreintheeyesofthecheeryrepresentativeofthatbestofinns。’HotelMeurice！’’HoteldeFrance！’’HoteldeCalais！’’TheRoyalHotel，Sir，Angaisheouse！’’YougoingtoParry，Sir？’’Yourbaggage，registairfroo，Sir？’Blessye，myTouters，blessye，mycommissionaires，blessye，myhungry-eyedmysteriesincapsofamilitaryform，whoarealwayshere，dayornight，fairweatherorfoul，seekinginscrutablejobswhichIneverseeyouget！Blessye，myCustomHouseofficersingreenandgrey；
permitmetograspthewelcomehandsthatdescendintomytravelling-bag，oneoneachside，andmeetatthebottomtogivemychangeoflinenapeculiarshakeup，asifitwereameasureofchafforgrain！Ihavenothingtodeclare，MonsieurleDouanier，exceptthatwhenIceasetobreathe，Calaiswillbefoundwrittenonmyheart。NoarticleliabletolocaldutyhaveIwithme，Monsieurl’Officierdel’Octroi，unlesstheoverflowingofabreastdevotedtoyourcharmingtownshouldbeinthatwisechargeable。
Ah！seeatthegangwaybythetwinklinglantern，mydearestbrotherandfriend，heonceofthePassportOffice，hewhocollectsthenames！Mayhebeforeverchangelessinhisbuttonedblacksurtout，withhisnote-bookinhishand，andhistallblackhat，surmountinghisround，smiling，patientface！Letusembrace，mydearestbrother。Iamyoursetoutjamais-forthewholeofever。
Calaisupanddoingattherailwaystation，andCalaisdownanddreaminginitsbed；Calaiswithsomethingof’anancientandfish-
likesmell’aboutit，andCalaisblownandsea-washedpure；CalaisrepresentedattheBuffetbysavouryroastfowls，hotcoffee，cognac，andBordeaux；andCalaisrepresentedeverywherebyflittingpersonswithamonomaniaforchangingmoney-thoughInevershallbeabletounderstandinmypresentstateofexistencehowtheylivebyit，butIsupposeIshould，ifIunderstoodthecurrencyquestion-CalaisENGROS，andCalaisENDETAIL，forgiveonewhohasdeeplywrongedyou-Iwasnotfullyawareofitontheotherside，butImeantDover。
Ding，ding！Tothecarriages，gentlementhetravellers。Ascendthen，gentlementhetravellers，forHazebroucke，Lille，Douai，Bruxelles，Arras，Amiens，andParis！I，humblerepresentativeoftheuncommercialinterest，ascendwiththerest。Thetrainislightto-night，andIsharemycompartmentwithbuttwofellow-
travellers；one，acompatriotinanobsoletecravat，whothinksitaquiteunaccountablethingthattheydon’tkeep’Londontime’onaFrenchrailway，andwhoismadeangrybymymodestlysuggestingthepossibilityofParistimebeingmoreintheirway；theother，ayoungpriest，withaverysmallbirdinaverysmallcage，whofeedsthesmallbirdwithaquill，andthenputshimupinthenetworkabovehishead，whereheadvancestwittering，tohisfrontwires，andseemstoaddressmeinanelectioneeringmanner。Thecompatriotwhocrossedintheboat，andwhomIjudgetobesomepersonofdistinction，ashewasshutup，likeastatelyspeciesofrabbit，inaprivatehutchondeckandtheyoungpriestwhojoinedusatCalaisaresoonasleep，andthenthebirdandIhaveitalltoourselves。