第32章
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  “Iknowperfectlywellwhatyoumean,“answeredEverett,thoughtfully。“Ihaveoftenfeltsoabouthimmyself。Andyetit’sdifficulttoprescribeforthosefellows;solittlemakes,solittlemars。“

  Katharineraisedherselfuponherelbow,andherfaceflushedwithfeverishearnestness。“Ah,butitisthewasteofhimselfthatImean;hislashinghimselfoutonstupidanduncomprehendingpeopleuntiltheytakehimattheirownestimate。

  Hecankindlemarble,strikefirefromputty,butisitworthwhatitcostshim?“

  “Come,come,“expostulatedEverett,alarmedatherexcitement。

  “Whereisthenewsonata?Lethimspeakforhimself。“

  Hesatdownatthepianoandbeganplayingthefirstmovement,whichwasindeedthevoiceofAdriance,hisproperspeech。Thesonatawasthemostambitiousworkhehaddoneuptothattimeandmarkedthetransitionfromhispurelylyricveintoadeeperandnoblerstyle。Everettplayedintelligentlyandwiththatsympatheticcomprehensionwhichseemspeculiartoacertainlovableclassofmenwhoneveraccomplishanythinginparticular。

  WhenhehadfinishedheturnedtoKatharine。

  “Howhehasgrown!“shecried。“Whatthethreelastyearshavedoneforhim!Heusedtowriteonlythetragediesofpassion;butthisisthetragedyofthesoul,theshadowcoexistentwiththesoul。Thisisthetragedyofeffortandfailure,thethingKeatscalledhell。Thisismytragedy,asIlieherespentbytheracecourse,listeningtothefeetoftherunnersastheypassme。

  Ah,God!Theswiftfeetoftherunners!“

  Sheturnedherfaceawayandcovereditwithherstraininghands。Everettcrossedovertoherquicklyandkneltbesideher。

  Inallthedayshehadknownhershehadneverbefore,beyondanoccasionalironicaljest,givenvoicetothebitternessofherowndefeat。Hercouragehadbecomeapointofpridewithhim,andtoseeitgoingsickenedhim。

  “Don’tdoit,“hegasped。“Ican’tstandit,Ireallycan’t,Ifeelittoomuch。Wemustn’tspeakofthat;it’stootragicandtoovast。“

  Whensheturnedherfacebacktohimtherewasaghostoftheold,brave,cynicalsmileonit,morebitterthanthetearsshecouldnotshed。“No,Iwon’tbesoungenerous;IwillsavethatforthewatchesofthenightwhenIhavenobettercompany。Nowyoumaymixmeanotherdrinkofsomesort。Formerly,whenitwasnotifIshouldeversingBrunnhilde,butquitesimplywhenI

  shouldsingBrunnhilde,IwasalwaysstarvingmyselfandthinkingwhatImightdrinkandwhatImightnot。Butbrokenmusicboxesmaydrinkwhatsoevertheylist,andnoonecareswhethertheylosetheirfigure。Runoverthatthemeatthebeginningagain。

  That,atleast,isnotnew。ItwasrunninginhisheadwhenwewereinVeniceyearsago,andheusedtodrumitonhisglassatthedinnertable。Hehadjustbeguntoworkitoutwhenthelateautumncameon,andthepalenessoftheAdriaticoppressedhim,andhedecidedtogotoFlorenceforthewinter,andlosttouchwiththethemeduringhisillness。Doyourememberthosefrightfuldays?Allthepeoplewhohavelovedhimarenotstrongenoughtosavehimfromhimself!WhenIgotwordfromFlorencethathehadbeenillIwasinNicefillingaconcertengagement。

  HiswifewashurryingtohimfromParis,butIreachedhimfirst。

  Iarrivedatdusk,inaterrificstorm。Theyhadtakenanoldpalacethereforthewinter,andIfoundhiminthelibrary——along,darkroomfullofoldLatinbooksandheavyfurnitureandbronzes。Hewassittingbyawoodfireatoneendoftheroom,looking,oh,sowornandpale!——ashealwaysdoeswhenheisill,youknow。Ah,itissogoodthatyoudoknow!Evenhisredsmokingjacketlentnocolortohisface。Hisfirstwordswerenottotellmehowillhehadbeen,butthatthatmorninghehadbeenwellenoughtoputthelaststrokestothescoreofhisSouvenirsd’Automne。HewasasImostliketorememberhim:

  socalmandhappyandtired;notgay,asheusuallyis,butjustcontentedandtiredwiththatheavenlytirednessthatcomesafteragoodworkdoneatlast。Outside,therainpoureddownintorrents,andthewindmoanedforthepainofalltheworldandsobbedinthebranchesoftheshiveringolivesandaboutthewallsofthatdesolatedoldpalace。Howthatnightcomesbacktome!

  Therewerenolightsintheroom,onlythewoodfirewhichgloweduponthehardfeaturesofthebronzeDante,likethereflectionofpurgatorialflames,andthrewlongblackshadowsaboutus;beyondusitscarcelypenetratedthegloomatall,Adriancesatstaringatthefirewiththewearinessofallhislifeinhiseves,andofalltheotherlivesthatmustaspireandsuffertomakeuponesuchlifeashis。Somehowthewindwithallitsworld-painhadgotintotheroom,andthecoldrainwasinoureyes,andthewavecameupinbothofusatonce——thatawful,vague,universalpain,thatcoldfearoflifeanddeathandGodandhope——andwewereliketwoclingingtogetheronasparinmidoceanaftertheshipwreckofeverything。Thenweheardthefrontdooropenwithagreatgustofwindthatshookeventhewalls,andtheservantscamerunningwithlights,announcingthatMadamhadreturned,’andinthebookwereadnomorethatnight。’“

  Shegavetheoldlinewithacertainbitterhumor,andwiththehard,brightsmileinwhichofoldshehadwrappedherweaknessasinaglitteringgarment。Thatironicalsmile,wornlikeamaskthroughsomanyyears,hadgraduallychangedeventhelinesofherfacecompletely,andwhenshelookedinthemirrorshesawnotherself,butthescathingcritic,theamusedobserverandsatiristofherself。Everettdroppedhisheaduponhishandandsatlookingattherug。“Howmuchyouhavecared!“hesaid。

  “Ah,yes,Icared,“shereplied,closinghereyeswithalong-drawnsighofrelief;andlyingperfectlystill,shewenton:“Youcan’timaginewhatacomfortitistohaveyouknowhowI

  cared,whatareliefitistobeabletotellittosomeone。I

  usedtowanttoshriekitouttotheworldinthelongnightswhenIcouldnotsleep。ItseemedtomethatIcouldnotdiewithit。

  Itdemandedsomesortofexpression。Andnowthatyouknow,youwouldscarcelybelievehowmuchlesssharptheanguishofitis。“

  Everettcontinuedtolookhelplesslyatthefloor。“Iwasnotsurehowmuchyouwantedmetoknow,“hesaid。

  “Oh,IintendedyoushouldknowfromthefirsttimeIlookedintoyourface,whenyoucamethatdaywithCharley。IflattermyselfthatIhavebeenabletoconcealitwhenIchose,thoughI

  supposewomenalwaysthinkthat。Themoreobservingonesmayhaveseen,butdiscerningpeopleareusuallydiscreetandoftenkind,forweusuallybleedalittlebeforewebegintodiscern。

  ButIwantedyoutoknow;youaresolikehimthatitisalmostliketellinghimhimself。Atleast,Ifeelnowthathewillknowsomeday,andthenIwillbequitesacredfromhiscompassion,forwenoneofusdarepitythedead。Sinceitwaswhatmylifehaschieflymeant,Ishouldlikehimtoknow。OnthewholeIamnotashamedofit。Ihavefoughtagoodfight。“

  “Andhasheneverknownatall?“askedEverett,inathickvoice。

  “Oh!Neveratallinthewaythatyoumean。Ofcourse,heisaccustomedtolookingintotheeyesofwomenandfindinglovethere;whenhedoesn’tfindittherehethinkshemusthavebeenguiltyofsomediscourtesyandismiserableaboutit。Hehasagenuinefondnessforeveryonewhoisnotstupidorgloomy,oroldorpreternaturallyugly。Grantedyouthandcheerfulness,andamoderateamountofwitandsometact,andAdriancewillalwaysbegladtoseeyoucomingaroundthecorner。Isharedwiththerest;sharedthesmilesandthegallantriesandthedrolllittlesermons。ItwasquitelikeaSunday-schoolpicnic;weworeourbestclothesandasmileandtookourturns。Itwashiskindnessthatwashardest。Ihaveprettywellusedmylifeupatstandingpunishment。“

  “Don’t;you’llmakemehatehim,“groanedEverett。

  Katharinelaughedandbegantoplaynervouslywithherfan。

  “Itwasn’tintheslightestdegreehisfault;thatisthemostgrotesquepartofit。Why,ithadreallybegunbeforeI

  evermethim。Ifoughtmywaytohim,andIdrankmydoomgreedilyenough。“

  Everettroseandstoodhesitating。“IthinkImustgo。Yououghttobequiet,andIdon’tthinkIcanhearanymorejustnow。“

  Sheputoutherhandandtookhisplayfully。“You’veputinthreeweeksatthissortofthing,haven’tyou?Well,itmayneverbetoyourgloryinthisworld,perhaps,butit’sbeenthemercyofheaventome,anditoughttosquareaccountsforamuchworselifethanyourswilleverbe。“

  Everettkneltbesideher,saying,brokenly:“IstayedbecauseI

  wantedtobewithyou,that’sall。IhavenevercaredaboutotherwomensinceImetyouinNewYorkwhenIwasalad。Youareapartofmydestiny,andIcouldnotleaveyouifIwould。“

  Sheputherhandsonhisshouldersandshookherhead。“No,no;don’ttellmethat。Ihaveseenenoughoftragedy,Godknows。Don’tshowmeanymorejustasthecurtainisgoingdown。

  No,no,itwasonlyaboy’sfancy,andyourdivinepityandmyutterpitiablenesshaverecalleditforamoment。Onedoesnotlovethedying,dearfriend。Ifsomefancyofthatsorthadbeenleftoverfromboyhood,thiswouldridyouofit,andthatwerewell。Nowgo,andyouwillcomeagaintomorrow,aslongastherearetomorrows,willyounot?“Shetookhishandwithasmilethatliftedthemaskfromhersoul,thatwasbothcourageanddespair,andfullofinfiniteloyaltyandtenderness,asshesaidsoftly:

  Foreverandforever,farewell,Cassius;

  Ifwedomeetagain,why,weshallsmile;

  Ifnot,whythen,thispartingwaswellmade。

  Thecourageinhereyeswasliketheclearlightofastartohimashewentout。

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