Iknewtherewasnomarryingwithoutentirely
concealingthatIhadhadachild，forhewouldsoonhave
discoveredbytheageofitthatitwasborn，nay，andgotten
too，sincemyparleywithhim，andthatwouldhavedestroyed
alltheaffair。
Butittouchedmyheartsoforciblytothinkofpartingentirely
withthechild，and，foraughtIknew，ofhavingitmurdered，
orstarvedbyneglectandill-usagewhichwasmuchthesame，
thatIcouldnotthinkofitwithouthorror。
Iwishallthose
womenwhoconsenttothedisposingtheirchildrenoutofthe
way，asitiscalled，fordecencysake，wouldconsiderthat’tis
onlyacontrivedmethodformurder；thatistosay，a-killing
theirchildrenwithsafety。
Itismanifesttoallthatunderstandanythingofchildren，that
wearebornintotheworldhelpless，andincapableeitherto
supplyourownwantsorsomuchasmakethemknown；and
thatwithouthelpwemustperish；andthishelprequiresnot
onlyanassistinghand，whetherofthemotherorsomebody
else，buttherearetwothingsnecessaryinthatassisting
hand，
thatis，careandskill；withoutbothwhich，halfthechildren
thatarebornwoulddie，nay，thoughttheywerenottobe
deniedfood；andonehalfmoreofthosethatremainedwould
becripplesorfools，losetheirlimbs，andperhapstheirsense。
Iquestionnotbutthatthesearepartlythereasonswhyaffection
wasplacedbynatureintheheartsofmotherstotheirchildren；
withoutwhichtheywouldneverbeabletogivethemselvesup，
as’tisnecessarytheyshould，tothecareandwakingpains
needfultothesupportoftheirchildren。
Sincethiscareisneedfultothelifeofchildren，toneglectthem
istomurderthem；again，togivethemuptobemanagedby
thosepeoplewhohavenoneofthatneedfulaffectionplaced
bynatureinthem，istoneglecttheminthehighestdegree；nay，
insomeitgoesfarther，andisaneglectinordertotheirbeing
lost；sothat’tisevenanintentionalmurder，whetherthechild
livesordies。
Allthosethingsrepresentedthemselvestomyview，andthat
istheblackestandmostfrightfulform:
andasIwasveryfree
withmygoverness，whomIhadnowlearnedtocallmother，
IrepresentedtoherallthedarkthoughtswhichIhadupon
meaboutit，andtoldherwhatdistressIwasin。
Sheseemed
graverbymuchatthispartthanattheother；butasshewas
hardenedinthesethingsbeyondallpossibilityofbeingtouched
withthereligiouspart，andthescruplesaboutthemurder，so
shewasequallyimpenetrableinthatpartwhichrelatedto
affection。
Sheaskedmeifshehadnotbeencarefulandtender
tomeinmylyingin，asifIhadbeenherownchild。
Itoldher
Iownedshehad。
’Well，mydear，’saysshe，’andwhenyou
aregone，whatareyoutome？
Andwhatwoulditbetome
ifyouweretobehanged？
Doyouthinktherearenotwomen
who，asitistheirtradeandtheygettheirbreadbyit，value
themselvesupontheirbeingascarefulofchildrenastheirown
motherscanbe，andunderstanditratherbetter？
Yes，yes，
child，’saysshe，’fearitnot；howwerewenursedourselves？
Areyousureyouwasnursedupbyyourownmother？and
yetyoulookfatandfair，child，’saystheoldbeldam；andwith
thatshestrokedmeovertheface。
’Neverbeconcerned，child，’
saysshe，goingoninherdrollingway；’Ihavenomurderers
aboutme；Iemploythebestandthehonestestnursesthatcan
behad，andhaveasfewchildrenmiscarryundertheirhands
astherewouldiftheywereallnursedbymothers；wewant
neithercarenorskill。’
ShetouchedmetothequickwhensheaskedifIwassure
thatIwasnursedbymyownmother；onthecontraryIwas
sureIwasnot；andItrembled，andlookedpaleatthevery
expression。
’Sure，’saidItomyself，’thiscreaturecannotbe
awitch，orhaveanyconversationwithaspirit，thatcaninform
herwhatwasdonewithmebeforeIwasabletoknowitmyself’；
andIlookedatherasifIhadbeenfrightened；butreflecting
thatitcouldnotbepossibleforhertoknowanythingabout
me，thatdisorderwentoff，andIbegantobeeasy，butitwas
notpresently。
SheperceivedthedisorderIwasin，butdidnotknowthe
meaningofit；sosheranoninherwildtalkupontheweakness
ofmysupposingthatchildrenweremurderedbecausethey
werenotallnursedbythemother，andtopersuademethat
thechildrenshedisposedofwereaswellusedasifthemothers
hadthenursingofthemthemselves。
’Itmaybetrue，mother，’saysI，’foraughtIknow，butmy
doubtsareverystronglygroundedindeed。’
’Come，then，’says
she，’let’shearsomeofthem。’
’Why，first，’saysI，’yougive
apieceofmoneytothesepeopletotakethechildoffthe
parent’shands，andtotakecareofitaslongasitlives。
Now
weknow，mother，’saidI，’thatthosearepoorpeople，and
theirgainconsistsinbeingquitofthechargeassoonasthey
can；howcanIdoubtbutthat，asitisbestforthemtohave
thechilddie，theyarenotoversolicitousaboutlife？’
’Thisisallvapoursandfancy，’saystheoldwoman；’Itellyou
theircreditdependsuponthechild’slife，andtheyareascareful
asanymotherofyouall。’
’Omother，’saysI，’ifIwasbutsuremylittlebabywouldbe
carefullylookedto，andhavejusticedoneit，Ishouldbehappy
indeed；butitisimpossibleIcanbesatisfiedinthatpoint
unlessIsawit，andtoseeitwouldberuinanddestructionto
me，asnowmycasestands；sowhattodoIknownot。’
’Afinestory！’saysthegoverness。
’Youwouldseethechild，
andyouwouldnotseethechild；youwouldbeconcealedand
discoveredbothtogether。
Thesearethingsimpossible，my
dear；soyoumuste’endoasotherconscientiousmothershave
donebeforeyou，andbecontentedwiththingsastheymustbe，
thoughtheyarenotasyouwishthemtobe。’
Iunderstoodwhatshemeantbyconscientiousmothers；she
wouldhavesaidconscientiouswhores，butshewasnotwilling
todisobligeme，forreallyinthiscaseIwasnotawhore，
becauselegallymarried，theforceofformermarriageexcepted。
However，letmebewhatIwould，Iwasnotcomeuptothat
pitchofhardnesscommontotheprofession；Imean，tobe
unnatural，andregardlessofthesafetyofmychild；andI
preservedthishonestaffectionsolong，thatIwasuponthe
pointofgivingupmyfriendatthebank，wholaysohardat
metocometohimandmarryhim，that，inshort，therewas
hardlyanyroomtodenyhim。
Atlastmyoldgovernesscametome，withherusualassurance。
’Come，mydear，’saysshe，’Ihavefoundoutawayhowyou
shallbeatacertaintythatyourchildshallbeusedwell，and
yetthepeoplethattakecareofitshallneverknowyou，or
whothemotherofthechildis。’
’Ohmother，’saysI，’ifyoucandoso，youwillengagemeto
youforever。’
’Well，’saysshe，’areyouwillingtobeasome
smallannualexpense，morethanwhatweusuallygivetothe
peoplewecontractwith？’
’Ay，’saysI，’withallmyheart，
providedImaybeconcealed。’
’Astothat，’saysthegoverness，
’youshallbesecure，forthenurseshallneversomuchasdare
toinquireaboutyou，andyoushallonceortwiceayeargo
withmeandseeyourchild，andseehow’tisused，andbe
satisfiedthatitisingoodhands，nobodyknowingwhoyouare。’
’Why，’saidI，’doyouthink，mother，thatwhenIcometosee
mychild，Ishallbeabletoconcealmybeingthemotherofit？
Doyouthinkthatpossible？’
’Well，well，’saysmygoverness，’ifyoudiscoverit，thenurse
shallbeneverthewiser；forsheshallbeforbidtoaskany
questionsaboutyou，ortotakeanynotice。
Ifsheoffersit，
sheshalllosethemoneywhichyouaresupposetogiveher，
andthechildshallbetakenfromhertoo。’
Iwasverywellpleasedwiththis。
Sothenextweeka
countrywomanwasbroughtfromHertford，orthereabouts，
whowastotakethechildoffourhandsentirelyfor#10in
money。
ButifIwouldallow#5ayearmoreofher，shewould
beobligedtobringthechildtomygoverness’shouseasoften
aswedesired，orweshouldcomedownandlookatit，andsee
howwellsheusedit。
Thewomanwasverywholesome-looking，alikelywoman，
acottager’swife，butshehadverygoodclothesandlinen，and
everythingwellabouther；andwithaheavyheartandmanya
tear，Iletherhavemychild。
IhadbeendownatHertford，and
lookedatherandatherdwelling，whichIlikedwellenough；
andIpromisedhergreatthingsifshewouldbekindtothe
child，sosheknewatfirstwordthatIwasthechild’smother。
Butsheseemedtobesomuchoutoftheway，andtohaveno
roomtoinquireafterme，thatIthoughtIwassafeenough。
So，inshort，Iconsentedtoletherhavethechild，andIgave
her#10；thatistosay，Igaveittomygoverness，whogaveit
thepoorwomanbeforemyface，sheagreeingnevertoreturn
thechildbacktome，ortoclaimanythingmoreforitskeeping
orbringingup；onlythatIpromised，ifshetookagreatdeal
ofcareofit，IwouldgivehersomethingmoreasoftenasI
cametoseeit；sothatIwasnotboundtopaythe#5，only
thatIpromisedmygovernessIwoulddoit。
Andthusmy
greatcarewasover，afteramanner，whichthoughitdidnot
atallsatisfymymind，yetwasthemostconvenientforme，
asmyaffairsthenstood，ofanythatcouldbethoughtofat
thattime。
Ithenbegantowritetomyfriendatthebankinamorekindly
style，andparticularlyaboutthebeginningofJulyIsenthima
letter，thatIproposedtobeintownsometimeinAugust。