IfIdiscoveredit，theleastthingIcouldexpectwasto
losemyhusband，forhewastooniceandtoohonestaman
tohavecontinuedmyhusbandafterhehadknownIhadbeen
hissister；sothatIwasperplexedtothelastdegree。
Ileaveittoanymantojudgewhatdifficultiespresentedto
myview。
Iwasawayfrommynativecountry，atadistance
prodigious，andthereturntomeunpassable。
Ilivedverywell，
butinacircumstanceinsufferableinitself。
IfIhaddiscovered
myselftomymother，itmightbedifficulttoconvinceherof
theparticulars，andIhadnowaytoprovethem。
Ontheother
hand，ifshehadquestionedordoubtedme，Ihadbeenundone，
forthebaresuggestionwouldhaveimmediatelyseparatedme
frommyhusband，withoutgainingmymotherorhim，who
wouldhavebeenneitherahusbandnorabrother；sothat
betweenthesurpriseononehand，andtheuncertaintyonthe
other，Ihadbeensuretobeundone。
Inthemeantime，asIwasbuttoosureofthefact，Ilived
thereforeinopenavowedincestandwhoredom，andallunder
theappearanceofanhonestwife；andthoughIwasnotmuch
touchedwiththecrimeofit，yettheactionhadsomethingin
itshockingtonature，andmademyhusband，ashethought
himself，evennauseoustome。
However，uponthemostsedateconsideration，Iresolvedthat
itwasabsolutelynecessarytoconcealitallandnotmakethe
leastdiscoveryofiteithertomotherorhusband；andthusI
livedwiththegreatestpressureimaginableforthreeyears
more，buthadnomorechildren。
Duringthistimemymotherusedtobefrequentlytellingme
oldstoriesofherformeradventures，which，however，were
nowayspleasanttome；forbyit，thoughshedidnottellitme
inplainterms，yetIcouldeasilyunderstand，joinedwithwhat
Ihadheardmyself，ofmyfirsttutors，thatinheryoungerdays
shehadbeenbothwhoreandthief；butIverilybelievedshe
hadlivedtorepentsincerelyofboth，andthatshewasthena
verypious，sober，andreligiouswoman。
Well，letherlifehavebeenwhatitwouldthen，itwascertain
thatmylifewasveryuneasytome；forIlived，asIhavesaid，
butintheworstsortofwhoredom，andasIcouldexpectno
goodofit，soreallynogoodissuecameofit，andallmy
seemingprosperityworeoff，andendedinmiseryand
destruction。
Itwassometime，indeed，beforeitcametothis，
for，butIknownotbywhatillfateguided，everythingwent
wrongwithusafterwards，andthatwhichwasworse，my
husbandgrewstrangelyaltered，forward，jealous，andunkind，
andIwasasimpatientofbearinghiscarriage，asthecarriage
wasunreasonableandunjust。
Thesethingsproceededsofar，
thatwecameatlasttobeinsuchilltermswithoneanother，
thatIclaimedapromiseofhim，whichheenteredwillingly
intowithmewhenIconsentedtocomefromEnglandwith
him，viz。thatifIfoundthecountrynottoagreewithme，or
thatIdidnotliketolivethere，IshouldcomeawaytoEngland
againwhenIpleased，givinghimayear’swarningtosettle
hisaffairs。
Isay，Inowclaimedthispromiseofhim，andImustconfess
Ididitnotinthemostobligingtermsthatcouldbeinthe
worldneither；butIinsistedthathetreatedmeill，thatIwas
remotefrommyfriends，andcoulddomyselfnojustice，and
thathewasjealouswithoutcause，myconversationhaving
beenunblamable，andhehavingnopretenseforit，andthatto
removetoEnglandwouldtakeawayalloccasionfromhim。
Iinsistedsoperemptorilyuponit，thathecouldnotavoid
comingtoapoint，eithertokeephiswordwithmeortobreak
it；andthis，notwithstandingheusedalltheskillhewasmaster
of，andemployedhismotherandotheragentstoprevailwith
metoaltermyresolutions；indeed，thebottomofthethinglay
atmyheart，andthatmadeallhisendeavoursfruitless，formy
heartwasalienatedfromhimasahusband。
Iloathedthe
thoughtsofbeddingwithhim，andusedathousandpretenses
ofillnessandhumourtopreventhistouchingme，fearing
nothingmorethantobewithchildbyhim，whichtobesure
wouldhaveprevented，oratleastdelayed，mygoingoverto
England。
However，atlastIputhimsooutofhumour，thathetookup
arashandfatalresolution；inshort，IshouldnotgotoEngland；
andthoughhehadpromisedme，yetitwasanunreasonable
thingformetodesireit；thatitwouldberuinoustohisaffairs，
wouldunhingehiswholefamily，andbenexttoanundoing
himintheworld；thatthereforeIoughtnottodesireitofhim，
andthatnowifeintheworldthatvaluedherfamilyandher
husband’sprosperitywouldinsistuponsuchathing。
Thisplungedmeagain，forwhenIconsideredthething
calmly，andtookmyhusbandashereallywas，adiligent，
carefulmaninthemainworkoflayingupanestateforhis
children，andthatheknewnothingofthedreadfulcircumstances
thathewasin，Icouldnotbutconfesstomyselfthatmy
proposalwasveryunreasonable，andwhatnowifethathad
thegoodofherfamilyatheartwouldhavedesired。
Butmydiscontentswereofanothernature；Ilookeduponhim
nolongerasahusband，butasanearrelation，thesonofmy
ownmother，andIresolvedsomehoworothertobeclearof
him，butwhichwayIdidnotknow，nordiditseempossible。
Itissaidbytheill-naturedworld，ofoursex，thatifweare
setonathing，itisimpossibletoturnusfromourresolutions；
inshort，Ineverceasedporinguponthemeanstobringto
passmyvoyage，andcamethatlengthwithmyhusbandatlast，
astoproposegoingwithouthim。
Thisprovokedhimtothe
lastdegree，andhecalledmenotonlyanunkindwife，butan
unnaturalmother，andaskedmehowIcouldentertainsucha
thoughtwithouthorror，asthatofleavingmytwochildren
foronewasdeadwithoutamother，andtobebroughtupby
strangers，andnevertoseethemmore。
Itwastrue，hadthings
beenright，Ishouldnothavedoneit，butnowitwasmyreal
desirenevertoseethem，orhimeither，anymore；andastothe
chargeofunnatural，Icouldeasilyanswerittomyself，while
Iknewthatthewholerelationwasunnaturalinthehighest
degreeintheworld。
However，itwasplaintherewasnobringingmyhusbandto
anything；hewouldneithergowithmenorletmegowithout
him，anditwasquiteoutofmypowertostirwithouthis
consent，asanyonethatknowstheconstitutionofthecountry
Iwasin，knowsverywell。
Wehadmanyfamilyquarrelsaboutit，andtheybeganin
timetogrowuptoadangerousheight；forasIwasquite
estrangedformmyhusbandashewascalledinaffection，so
Itooknoheedtomywords，butsometimesgavehimlanguage
thatwasprovoking；and，inshort，stroveallIcouldtobring
himtoapartingwithme，whichwaswhataboveallthingsin
theworldIdesiredmost。
Hetookmycarriageveryill，andindeedhemightwelldoso，
foratlastIrefusedtobedwithhim，andcarryingonthebreach
uponalloccasionstoextremity，hetoldmeoncehethoughtI
wasmad，andifIdidnotaltermyconduct，hewouldputme
undercure；thatistosay，intoamadhouse。
Itoldhimhe
shouldfindIwasfarenoughfrommad，andthatitwasnotin
hispower，oranyothervillain’s，tomurderme。
Iconfessat
thesametimeIwasheartilyfrightedathisthoughtsofputting
meintoamadhouse，whichwouldatoncehavedestroyedall
thepossibilityofbreakingthetruthout，whatevertheoccasion
mightbe；forthatthennoonewouldhavegivencredittoa
wordofit。
Thisthereforebroughtmetoaresolution，whatevercameof
it，tolayopenmywholecase；butwhichwaytodoit，orto
whom，wasaninextricabledifficulty，andtookmemanymonths
toresolve。
Inthemeantime，anotherquarrelwithmyhusband
happened，whichcameuptosuchamadextremeasalmost
pushedmeontotellithimalltohisface；butthoughIkeptit
insoasnottocometotheparticulars，Ispokesomuchasput
himintotheutmostconfusion，andintheendbroughtoutthe
wholestory。
Hebeganwithacalmexpostulationuponmybeingsoresolute
togotoEngland；Idefendedit，andonehardwordbringing
onanother，asisusualinallfamilystrife，hetoldmeIdidnot
treathimasifhewasmyhusband，ortalkofmychildrenasif
Iwasamother；and，inshort，thatIdidnotdeservetobeused
asawife；thathehadusedallthefairmeanspossiblewithme；
thathehadarguedwithallthekindnessandcalmnessthata
husbandoraChristianoughttodo，andthatImadehimsuch
avilereturn，thatItreatedhimratherlikeadogthanaman，
andratherlikethemostcontemptiblestrangerthanahusband；
thathewasverylothtouseviolencewithme，butthat，inshort，
hesawanecessityofitnow，andthatforthefutureheshould
beobligedtotakesuchmeasuresasshouldreducemetomy
duty。
Mybloodwasnowfiredtotheutmost，thoughIknewwhat
hehadsaidwasverytrue，andnothingcouldappearmore
provoked。
Itoldhim，forhisfairmeansandhisfoul，they
wereequallycontemnedbyme；thatformygoingtoEngland，
Iwasresolvedonit，comewhatwould；andthatastotreating
himnotlikeahusband，andnotshowingmyselfamotherto
mychildren，theremightbesomethingmoreinitthanhe
understoodatpresent；but，forhisfurtherconsideration，I
thoughtfittotellhimthusmuch，thatheneitherwasmylawful
husband，northeylawfulchildren，andthatIhadreasonto
regardneitherofthemmorethanIdid。
IconfessIwasmovedtopityhimwhenIspokeit，forhe
turnedpaleasdeath，andstoodmuteasonethunderstruck，
andonceortwiceIthoughthewouldhavefainted；inshort，
itputhiminafitsomethinglikeanapoplex；hetrembled，a
sweatordewranoffhisface，andyethewascoldasaclod，
sothatIwasforcedtorunandfetchsomethingforhimto
keeplifeinhim。
Whenherecoveredofthat，hegrewsickand
vomited，andinalittleafterwasputtobed，andthenext
morningwas，ashehadbeenindeedallnight，inaviolentfever。
However，itwentoffagain，andherecovered，thoughbut
slowly，andwhenhecametobealittlebetter，hetoldmeI
hadgivenhimamortalwoundwithmytongue，andhehad
onlyonethingtoaskbeforehedesiredanexplanation。