第37章
加入书架 A- A+
点击下载App,搜索"TheTenant of Wildfell Hall",免费读到尾

  `No——howshouldyou,whenyouneverdoanythingtotrythem?’

  `Thenwhydoyoutryyours,Arthur?’

  `DoyouthinkIhavenothingtodobuttostayathomeandtakecareofmyselflikeawoman?’

  `Isitimpossiblethen,totakecareofyourselflikeamanwhenyougoabroad?Youtoldmethatyoucould——andwouldtoo;andyoupromised——`

  `Come,come,Helen,don’tbeginwiththatnonsensenow;Ican’tbearit。’

  `Can’tbearwhat?——toberemindedofthepromisesyouhavebroken?’

  `Helen,youarecruel。Ifyouknewhowmyheartthrobbed,andhoweverynervethrilledthroughmewhileyouspoke,youwouldspareme。

  Youcanpityadoltofaservantforbreakingadish;butyouhavenocompassionforme,whenmyheadissplitintwoandallonfirewiththisconsumingfever。’

  Heleanthisheadonhishand,andsighed。Iwenttohimandputmyhandonhisforehead。Itwasburningindeed。

  `Thencomewithmeintothedrawing-room,Arthur;anddon’ttakeanymorewine;youhavetakenseveralglassessincedinner,andeatennexttonothingalltheday。Howcanthatmakeyoubetter?’

  Withsomecoaxingandpersuasion,Igothimtoleavethetable。

  WhenthebabywasbroughtItriedtoamusehimwiththat;butpoorlittleArthurwascuttinghisteeth,andhisfathercouldnotbearhiscomplaints;

  sentenceofimmediatebanishmentwaspasseduponhimonthefirstindicationoffretfulness;and,because,inthecourseoftheevening,Iwenttosharehisexileforalittlewhile,Iwasreproached,onmyreturn,forpreferringmychildtomyhusband。IfoundthelatterrecliningonthesofajustasIhadlefthim。

  `Well!’exclaimedtheinjuredman,inatoneofpseudoresignation。

  `IthoughtIwouldn’tsendforyou;IthoughtI’djustsee——howlongitwouldpleaseyoutoleavemealone。’

  `Ihavenotbeenverylong,haveI,Arthur?Ihavenotbeenanhour,I’msure。’

  `Oh,ofcourse,anhourisnothingtoyou,sopleasantlyemployed;

  buttome——`

  `Ithasnotbeenpleasantlyemployed,’interruptedI。`Ihavebeennursingourpoorlittlebaby,whoisveryfarfromwell,andIcouldnotleavehimtillIgothimtosleep。’

  `Ohtobesure,you’reoverflowingwithkindnessandpityforeverythingbutme。’

  `AndwhyshouldIpityyou?whatisthematterwithyou?’

  `Well!thatpasseseverything!AfterallthewearandtearthatI’vehad,whenIcomehomesickandweary,longingforcomfort,andexpectingtofindattentionandkindness,atleast,frommywife,——shecalmlyaskswhatisthematterwithme!’

  `Thereisnothingthematterwithyou,’returnedI,`exceptwhatyouhavewilfullybroughtuponyourselfagainstmyearnestexhortationandentreaty。’

  `Now,Helen,’saidhe,emphatically,halfrisingfromhisrecumbentposture,`ifyoubothermewithanotherword,I’llringthebellandordersixbottlesofwine——and,byHeaven,I’lldrinkthemdrybeforeIstirfromthisplace!’

  Isaidnomorebutsatdownbeforethetableanddrewabooktowardsme,`Doletmehavequietnessatleast!’continuedhe,`ifyoudenymeeveryothercomfort,’andsinkingbackintohisformerposition,withanimpatientexpirationbetweenasighandagroan,helanguidlyclosedhiseyesasiftosleep。

  Whatthebookwas,thatlayopenonthetablebeforeme,Icannottell,forIneverlookedatit。Withanelbowoneachsideofit,andmyhandsclaspedbeforemyeyes,Ideliveredmyselfuptosilentweeping。

  ButArthurwasnotasleep:atthefirstslightsob,heraisedhisheadandlookedround,impatientlyexclaiming——

  `Whatareyoucryingfor,Helen?Whatthedeuceisthematternow?’

  `I’mcryingforyou,Arthur,’Ireplied,speedilydryingmytears;

  andstartingup,Ithrewmyselfonmykneesbeforehim,and,claspinghisnervelesshandbetweenmyown,continued:`Don’tyouknowthatyouareapartofmyself?Anddoyouthinkyoucaninjureanddegradeyourself,andInotfeelit?’

  `Degrademyself,Helen?’

  Yes,degrade!Whathaveyoubeendoingallthistime?’

  `You’dbetternotask,’saidhe,withafaintsmile。

  `Andyouhadbetternottell——butyoucannotdenythatyouhavedegradedyourselfmiserably。Youhaveshamefullywrongedyourself,bodyandsoul——andmetoo;andIcan’tendureitquietly——andIwon’t!’

  `Well,don’tsqueezemyhandsofranticallyanddon’tagitatemeso,forHeaven’ssake!Oh,Hattersley!youwereright;thiswomanwillbethedeathofme,withherkeenfeelingsandherinterestingforceofcharacter——There,there,dosparemealittle。’

  `Arthur,youmustrepent!’criedI,inafrenzyofdesperation,throwingmyarmsaroundhimandburyingmyfaceinhisbosom。Youshallsayyouaresorryforwhatyouhavedone!’

  `Well,well,Iam。’

  `Youarenot!you’lldoitagain。’

  `Ishallneverlivetodoitagain,ifyoutreatmesosavagely,’

  repliedhe,pushingmefromhim。`You’venearlysqueezedthebreathoutofmybody。’Hepressedhishandtohisheart,andlookedreallyagitatedandill。

  `Nowgetmeaglassofwine,’saidhe,`toremedywhatyou’vedone,youshe-tiger!I’malmostreadytofaint。’

  IflewtogettherequiredremedyItseemedtorevivehimconsiderably。

  `Whatashameitis,’saidI,asItooktheemptyglassfromhishand,`forastrongyoungmanlikeyoutoreduceyourselftosuchastate!’

  `Ifyouknewall,mygirl,you’dsayrather,“Whatawonderitisyoucanbearitsowellasyoudo!”I’velivedmoreinthesefourmonths,Helen,thanyouhaveinthewholecourseofyourexistence,orwilltotheendofyourdays,iftheynumberedahundredyears;——soImustexpecttopayforitinsomeshape。’

  `Youwillhavetopayahigherpricethanyouanticipate,ifyoudon’ttakecare——therewillbethetotallossofyourownhealth,andofmyaffectiontoo——ifthatisofanyvaluetoyou。’

  `What,you’reatthatgameofthreateningmewiththelossofyouraffectionagain,areyou?Ithinkitcouldn’thavebeenverygenuinestufftobeginwith,ifit’ssoeasilydemolished。Ifyoudon’tmind,myprettytyrant,you’llmakemeregretmychoiceingoodearnest,andenvymyfriendHattersleyhismeeklittlewife——she’squiteapatterntohersex,Helen;hehadherwithhiminLondonalltheseason,andshewasnotroubleatall。Hemightamusehimselfjustashepleased,inregularbachelorstyle,andshenevercomplainedofneglect;hemightcomehomeatanyhourofthenightormorning,ornotcomehomeatall;besullensober,orgloriousdrunk;andplaythefoolorthemadmantohisownheart’sdesirewithoutanyfearorbotheration。Shenevergiveshimawordofreproachorcomplaint,dowhathewill。Hesaysthere’snotsuchajewelinallEngland,andswearshewouldn’ttakeakingdomforher,’

  `Buthemakesherlifeacursetoher。’

  `Nothe!Shehasnowillbuthis,andisalwayscontentedandhappyaslongasheisenjoyinghimself,’

  `Inthatcase,sheisasgreatafoolasheis;butitisnotso。Ihaveseverallettersfromher,expressingthegreatestanxietyabouthisproceedings,andcomplainingthatyouincitehimtocommitthoseextravagances——oneespecially,inwhichsheimploresmetousemyinfluencewithyoutogetyouawayfromLondon,andaffirmsthatherhusbandneverdidsuchthingsbeforeyoucame,andwouldcertainlydiscontinuethemassoonasyoudepartedandlefthimtotheguidanceofhisowngoodsense。’

  `Thedetestablelittletraitor!Givemetheletter,andheshallseeitassureasI’malivingman。’

  `No,heshallnotseeitwithoutherconsent;butifhedid,thereisnothingtheretoangerhim——norinanyoftheothers。Sheneverspeaksawordagainsthim;itisonlyanxietyforhimthatsheexpresses。Sheonlyalludestohisconductinthemostdelicateterms,andmakeseveryexcuseforhimthatshecanpossiblythinkof——andasforherownmisery,Iratherfeelitthanseeitexpressedinherletters。’

  `Butsheabusesme;andnodoubtyouhelpedher。’

  `No;Itoldhersheoverratedmyinfluencewithyou,thatIwouldgladlydrawyouawayfromthetemptationsofthetownifIcould,buthadlittlehopeofsuccess,andthatIthoughtshewaswronginsupposingthatyouenticedMrHattersleyoranyoneelseintoerror。Ihad,myself,heldthecontraryopinionatonetime,butInowbelievedthatyoumutuallycorruptedeachother;and,perhaps,ifsheusedalittlegentle,butseriousremonstrancewithherhusband,itmightbeofsomeservice,asthoughhewasmoreroughhewnthanmine,Ibelievedhewasofalessimpenetrablematerial。’

  `Andsothatisthewayyougoon——hearteningeachotheruptomutiny,andabusingeachother’spartners,andthrowingoutimplicationsagainstyourown,tothemutualgratificationofboth!’

  `Accordingtoyourownaccount,’saidI,`myevilcounselhashadbutlittleeffectuponher,Andastoabuseandaspersions,wearebothofusfartoodeeplyashamedoftheerrorsandvicesofourotherhalves,tomakethemthecommonsubjectofourcorrespondence。Friendsasweare,wewouldwillinglykeepyourfailingstoourselves——evenfromourselvesifwecould,unlessbyknowingthemwecoulddeliveryoufromthem。’

  `Well,well!don’tworrymeaboutthem:you’llnevereffectanygoodbythat。Havepatiencewithme,andbearwithmylanguorandcrossnessalittlewhile,tillIgetthiscursedlowfeveroutofmyveins,andthenyou’llfindmecheerfulandkindasever。Whycan’tyoubegentleandgoodasyouwerelasttime?——I’msureIwasverygratefulforit。’

  `Andwhatgooddidyourgratitudedo?Ideludedmyselfwiththeideathatyouwereashamedofyourtransgressions,andhopedyouwouldneverrepeatthemagain;butnow,youhaveleftmenothingtohope!’

  `Mycaseisquitedesperate,isit?Averyblessedconsideration,ifitwillonlysecuremefromthepainandworryofmydear,anxiouswife’seffortstoconvertme,andherfromthetoilandtroubleofsuchexertions,andhersweetfaceandsilveraccentsfromtheruinouseffectsofthesame。

  Aburstofpassionisafine,rousingthinguponoccasion,Helen,andafloodoftearsismarvellouslyaffecting,but,whenindulgedtoooften,theyarebothdeucedplaguythingsforspoilingone’sbeautyandtiringoutone’sfriends。’

  Thenceforth,IrestrainedmytearsandpassionsasmuchasIcould。

  Isparedhimmyexhortationsandfruitlesseffortsatconversiontoo,forIsawitwasallinvain:Godmightawakenthatheartsupineandstupifiedwithself-indulgence,andremovethefilmofsensualdarknessfromhiseyes,butIcouldnot。Hisinjusticeandillhumourtowardshisinferiors,whocouldnotdefendthemselves,Istillresentedandwithstood;butwhenIalonewastheirobject,aswasfrequentlythecase,Iendureditwithcalmforbearance,exceptattimeswhenmytemper,wornoutbyrepeatedannoyances,orstungtodistractionbysomenewinstanceofirrationality,gavewayinspiteofmyself,andexposedmetotheimputationsoffierceness,cruelty,andimpatience。Iattendedcarefullytohiswantsandamusements,butnot,Iown,withthesamedevotedfondnessasbefore,becauseIcouldnotfeelit:besides,Ihadnowanotherclaimantonmytimeandcare——myailinginfant,forwhosesakeIfrequentlybravedandsufferedthereproachesandcomplaIntsofhisunreasonablyexactingfather。

  ButArthurisnotnaturallyapeevishorirritableman——sofarfromitthattherewassomethingalmostludicrousintheincongruityofthisadventitiousfretfulnessandnervousirritability,rathercalculatedtoexcitelaughterthananger,ifitwerenotfortheintenselypainfulconsiderationsattendantuponthosesymptomsofadisorderedframe,——andhistempergraduallyimprovedashisbodilyhealthwasrestored,whichwasmuchsoonerthanwouldhavebeenthecase,butformystrenuousexertions;

  fortherewasstillonethingabouthimthatIdidnotgiveupindespair,andoneeffortforhispreservationthatIwouldnotremit。Hisappetiteforthestimulusofwinehadincreaseduponhim,asIhadtoowellforeseen。

  Itwasnowsomethingmoretohimthananaccessarytosocialenjoyment:

  itwasanimportantsourceofenjoymentinitself。Inthistimeofweaknessanddepressionhewouldhavemadeithismedicineandsupport,hiscomforter,hisrecreation,andhisfriend,——andtherebysunkdeeperanddeeper——andboundhimselfdownforeverinthebathoswhereintohehadfallen。ButIdeterminedthisshouldneverbe,aslongasIhadanyinfluenceleft;

  andthoughIcouldnotpreventhimfromtakingmorethanwasgoodforhim,still,byincessantperseverance,bykindnessandfirmnessandvigilance,bycoaxinganddaringanddetermination,——Isucceededinpreservinghimfromabsolutebondagetothatdetestablepropensity,soinsidiousinitsadvances,soinexorableinitstyranny,sodisastrousinitseffects。

点击下载App,搜索"TheTenant of Wildfell Hall",免费读到尾