第19章
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  `Well,Ishallbeneithercarelessnorweak。’

  `RememberPeter,Helen!Don’tboast,butwatch。Keepaguardoveryoureyesandearsastheinletsofyourheart,andoveryourlipsastheoutlet,lesttheybetrayyouinamomentofunwariness。Receive,coldlyanddispassionately,everyattention,tillyouhaveascertainedanddulyconsideredtheworthoftheaspirant;andletyouraffectionsbeconsequentuponapprobationalone。Firststudy;thenapprove;thenlove。

  letyoureyesbeblindtoallexternalattractions,yourearsdeaftoallthefascinationsofBatteryandlightdiscourse——Thesearenothing——andworsethannothing——snaresandwilesofthetempter,tolurethethoughtlesstotheirowndestruction。Principleisthefirstthing,afterall;andnexttothat,goodsense,respectability,andmoderatewealth。Ifyoushouldmarrythehandsomest,andmostaccomplishedandsuperficiallyagreeablemanintheworld,youlittleknowthemiserythatwouldoverwhelmyou,if,afterall,youshouldfindhimtobeaworthlessreprobate,orevenanimpracticablefool。’

  `Butwhatareallthepoorfoolsandreprobatestodo,aunt?Ifeverybodyfollowedyouradvicetheworldwouldsooncometoanend。’

  `Neverfear,mydear!themalefoolsandreprobateswillneverwantforpartnerswhiletherearesomanyoftheothersextomatchthem;

  butdoyoufollowmyadvice。Andthisisnosubjectforjesting,Helen;

  Iamsorrytoseeyoutreatthematterinthatlightway。Believeme,matrimonyisaseriousthing。’Andshespokeitsoseriouslythatonemighthavefanciedshehadknownittohercost;butIaskednomoreimpertinentquestions,andmerelyanswered,——

  `Iknowitis;andIknowthereistruthandsenseinwhatyousay;butyouneednotfearme,forInotonlyshouldthinkitwrongtomarryamanthatwasdeficientinsenseorinprinciple,butIshouldneverbetemptedtodoit;forIcouldnotlikehim,ifhewereeversohandsomeandeversocharminginotherrespects;Ishouldhatehim——despisehim——pityhim——anythingbutlovehim。Myaffectionsnotonlyoughttobefoundedonapprobation,buttheywillandmustbeso:forwithoutapprovingIcannotlove。ItisneedlesstosayIoughttobeabletorespectandhonourthemanImarryaswellaslovehim,forIcannotlovehimwithout。Sosetyourmindatrest。’

  `Ihopeitmaybeso,’answeredshe。

  `Iknowitisso,’persistedI。

  `Youhavenotbeentriedyet,Helen:wecallbuthope,’saidshe,inhercold,cautiousway。

  `Iwasvexedatherincredulity;butIamnotsureherdoubtswereentirelywithoutsagacity;IfearIhavefounditmucheasiertorememberheradvicethantoprofitbyit——Indeed,Ihavesometimesbeenledtoquestionthesoundnessofherdoctrinesonthosesubjects。Hercounselsmaybegood,asfarastheygo——inthemainpoints,atleast;——buttherearesomethingsshehasoverlookedinhercalculations。Iwonderifshewaseverinlove。

  Icommencedmycareer——ormyfirstcampaign,asmyunclecallsit——kindlingwithbrighthopesandfancies——chieflyraisedbythisconversation——andfullofconfidenceinmyowndiscretion。Atfirst,IwasdelightedwiththenoveltyandexcitementofourLondonlife;butsoon,Ibegantowearyofitsmingledturbulenceandconstraint,andsighforthefreshnessandfreedomofhome。Mynewacquaintances,bothmaleandfemale,disappointedmyexpectations,andvexedanddepressedmebyturns;forIsoongrewtiredofstudyingtheirpeculiarities,andlaughingattheirfoibles——particularlyasIwasobligedtokeepmycriticismstomyself,formyauntwouldnothearthem——andthey——theladiesespecially——appearedsoprovokinglymindless,andheartless,andartificial。Thegentlemenseemedbetter,butperhapsitwasbecauseIknewthemless,perhapsbecausetheyflatteredme;butIdidnotfallinlovewithanyofthem,andiftheirattentionspleasedmeonemoment,theyprovokedmethenext,becausetheyputmeoutofhumourwithmyself,byrevealingmyvanityandmakingmefearIwasbecominglikesomeoftheladiesIsoheartilydespised。

  Therewasoneelderlygentlemanthatannoyedmeverymuch;aricholdfriendofmyuncle’s,who,Ibelieve,thoughtIcouldnotdobetterthanmarryhim;but,besidesbeingold,hewasuglyanddisagreeable,——andwicked,Iamsure,thoughmyauntscoldedmeforsayingso;butsheallowedhewasnosaint。Andtherewasanother,lesshateful,butstillmoretiresome,becauseshefavouredhim,andwasalwaysthrustinghimuponme,andsonghispraisesinmyears,MrBoarham,byname,Bore’emasIpreferspellingit,foraterribleborehewas:Ishudderstill,attheremembranceofhisvoice,drone,drone,drone,inmyear,whilehesatbesideme,prosingawaybythehalf-hourtogether,andbeguilinghimselfwiththenotionthathewasimprovingmymindbyusefulinformation,orimpressinghisdogmasuponme,andreformingmyerrorsofjudgment,or,perhaps,thathewastalkingdowntomylevel,andamusingmewithentertainingdiscourse。Yethewasadecentmanenough,inthemain,Idaresay;andifhehadkepthisdistance,Ineverwouldhavehatedhim。Asitwas,itwasalmostimpossibletohelpit;forhenotonlybotheredmewiththeinflictionofhisownpresence,buthekeptmefromtheenjoymentofmoreagreeablesociety。

  Onenight,however,ataball,hehadbeenmorethanusuallytormenting,andmypatiencewasquiteexhausted——Itappearedasifthewholeeveningwasfatedtobeinsupportable:Ihadjusthadonedancewithanempty-headedcoxcomb,andthenMrBoarhamhadcomeuponme,andseemeddeterminedtoclingtomefortherestofthenight。Heneverdancedhimself,andtherehesat,pokinghisheadinmyface,andimpressingallbeholderswiththeideathathewasaconfirmed,acknowledgedlover;myauntlookingcomplacentlyon,allthetime,andwishinghimGod-speed。InvainIattemptedtodrivehimawaybygivingaloosetomyexasperatedfeelings,eventopositiverudeness:nothingcouldconvincehimthathispresencewasdisagreeable。

  Sullensilencewastakenforraptattention,andgavehimgreaterroomtotalk;sharpanswerswerereceivedassmartsalliesofgirlishvivacity,thatonlyrequiredanindulgentrebuke;andflatcontradictionswerebutasoiltotheflames,callingforthnewstrainsofargumenttosupporthisdogmas,andbringingdownuponmeendlessfloodsofreasoningtooverwhelmmewithconviction。

  Buttherewasonepresentwhoseemedtohaveabetterappreciationofmyframeofmind。Agentlemanstoodby,whohadbeenwatchingourconferenceforsometime,evidentlymuchamusedatmycompanion’sremorselesspertinacityandmymanifestannoyance,andlaughingtohimselfattheasperityanduncompromisingspiritofmyreplies。Atlength,however,hewithdrew,andwenttotheladyofthehouse,apparentlyforthepurposeofaskinganintroductiontome,for,shortlyafter,theybothcameup,andsheintroducedhimasMrHuntingdon,thesonofalatefriendofmyuncle’s。Heaskedmetodance。Igladlyconsented,ofcourse;andhewasmycompanionduringtheremainderofmystay,whichwasnotlong,formyaunt,asusual,insisteduponanearlydeparture。

  Iwassorrytogo,forIhadfoundmynewacquaintanceaverylivelyandentertainingcompanion。Therewasacertaingracefuleaseandfreedomaboutallhesaidanddid,thatgaveasenseofreposeandexpansiontothemind,aftersomuchconstraintandformalityasIhadbeendoomedtosuffer。Theremightbe,itistrue,alittletoomuchcarelessboldnessinhismannerandaddress,butIwasinsogoodahumour,andsogratefulformylatedeliverancefromMrBoarham,thatitdidnotangerme。

  `Well,Helen,howdoyoulikeMrBoarhamnow?’saidmyaunt,aswetookourseatsinthecarriageanddroveaway。

  `Worsethanever,’Ireplied。

  Shelookeddispleasedbutsaidnomoreonthatsubject。

  `Whowasthegentlemanyoudancedwithlast,’resumedshe,afterapause——`thatwassoofficiousinhelpingyouonwithyourshawl?’

  `Hewasnotofficiousatall,aunt:heneverattemptedtohelpme,tillhesawMrBoarhamcomingtodoso;andthenhesteppedlaughinglyforwardandsaid,“Come,I’llpreserveyoufromthatinfliction。”’

  `Whowasit,Iask?’saidshe,withfrigidgravity。

  `ItwasMrHuntingdon,thesonofuncle’soldfriend。’

  `IhaveheardyourunclespeakofyoungMrHuntingdon。I’veheardhimsay,“He’safinelad,thatyoungHuntingdon,butabitwildishIfancy。”

  SoI’dhaveyoubeware。’

  `Whatdoes“abitwildish“mean?’Ienquired。

  `Itmeansdestituteofprinciple,andpronetoeveryvicethatiscommontoyouth。’

  `ButI’veheardunclesayhewasasadwildfellowhimself,whenhewasyoung。’

  Shesternlyshookherhead。

  `Hewasjestingthen,Isuppose,’saidI,`andherehewasspeakingatrandom——atleast,Icannotbelievethereisanyharminthoselaughingblueeyes。’

  `Falsereasoning,Helen!’saidshe,withasigh。

  `Well,weoughttobecharitable,youknow,aunt——besides,Idon’tthinkitisfalse:Iamanexcellentphysiognomist,andIalwaysjudgeofpeople’scharactersbytheirlooks——notbywhethertheyarehandsomeorugly,butbythegeneralcastofthecountenance。Forinstance,Ishouldknowbyyourcountenancethatyouwerenotofacheerful,sanguinedisposition;

  andIshouldknowbyMrWilmot’sthathewasaworthlessoldreprobate,andbyMrBoarham’sthathewasnotanagreeablecompanion,andbyMrHuntingdon’sthathewasneitherafoolnoraknave,though,possibly,neitherasagenorasaint——butthatisnomattertome,asIamnotlikelytomeethimagain——unlessasanoccasionalpartnerintheballroom。

  Itwasnotso,however,forImethimagainnextmorning。Hecametocalluponmyuncle,apologizingfornothavingdonesobefore,bysayinghewasonlylatelyreturnedfromthecontinent,andhadnotheard,tillthepreviousnight,ofmyuncle’sarrivalintown;andafterthat,Ioftenmethim;sometimesinpublic,sometimesathome;forhewasveryassiduousinpayinghisrespectstohisoldfriend,whodidnot,however,considerhimselfgreatlyobligedbytheattention。

  `Iwonderwhatthedeucetheladmeansbycomingsooften,’hewouldsay,——`canyoutell,Helen?——Hey?Hewantsnoneo’mycompany,norIhis——that’scertain。’

  `Iwishyou’dtellhimso,then,’saidmyaunt。

  Why,whatfor?IfIdon’twanthim,somebodydoesmayhapwinkingatme。Besides,he’saprettytidyfortune,Peggy,youknow——notsuchacatchasWilmot,butthenHelenwon’thearofthatmatch;for,somehow,theseoldchapsdon’tgodownwiththegirls——withalltheirmoney——andtheirexperiencetoboot。I’llbetanythingshe’dratherhavethisyoungfellowwithoutapenny,thanWilmotwithhishousefullofgold——Wouldn’tyou,Nell?’

  `Yes,uncle;butthat’snotsayingmuchforMrHuntingdon,forI’dratherbeanoldmaidandapauper,thanMrsWilmot。’

  `AndMrsHuntingdon?batwouldyouratherbethanMrsHuntingdon?

  eh?’

  `I’lltellyouwhenI’veconsideredthematter。’

  `Ah!itneedsconsiderationthen——Butcomenow——wouldyouratherbeanoldmaid——letalonethepauper?’

  `Ican’ttelltillI’masked。’

  AndIlefttheroomimmediately,toescapefurtherexamination。

  Butfiveminutesafter,inlookingfrommywindow,IbeheldMrBoarhamcominguptothedoor。Iwaitednearlyhalfanhourinuncomfortablesuspense,expectingeveryminutetobecalled,andvainlylongingtohearhimgo。

  Then,footstepswereheardonthestairs,andmyauntenteredtheroomwithasolemncountenance,andclosedthedoorbehindher。

  `HereisMrBoarham,Helen,’saidshe。`Hewishestoseeyou。’

  `Oh,aunt!Can’tyoutellhimI’mindisposed?——I’msureIam——toseehim。’

  `Nonsense,mydear!thisisnotriflingmatter。Heiscomeonaveryimportanterrand——toaskyourhandinmarriage,ofyouruncleandme。’

  `Ihopemyuncleandyoutoldhimitwasnotinyourpowertogiveit。Whatrighthadhetoaskanyonebeforeme?’

  `Helen!’

  `Whatdidmyunclesay?’

  `Hesaidhewouldnotinterfereinthematter;ifyoulikedtoacceptMrBoarham’sobligingoffer,you——’

  `Didhesayobligingoffer?’

  `No;hesaidifyoulikedtotakehimyoumight;andifnot,youmightpleaseyourself。’

  `Hesaidright;andwhatdidyousay?’

  `ItisnomatterwhatIsaid。Whatwillyousay?——thatisthequestion。Heisnowwaitingtoaskyouhimself;butconsiderwellbeforeyougo;andifyouintendtorefusehim,givemeyourreasons。’

  `Ishallrefusehim,ofcourse,butyoumusttellmehow,forIwanttobecivilandyetdecided——andwhenI’vegotridofhim,I’llgiveyoumyreasonsafterwards。’

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