Thistaleisajustifiableexception。
Onceineveryfiveyears，asyouknow，weindentforanewViceroy；
andeachViceroyimports，withtherestofhisbaggage，aPrivateSecretary，whomayormaynotbetherealViceroy，justasFateordainsFatelooksaftertheIndianEmpirebecauseitissobigandsohelpless。
TherewasaViceroyonce，whobroughtoutwithhimaturbulentPrivateSecretary——ahardmanwithasoftmannerandamorbidpassionforworkThisSecretarywascalledWonder——JohnFennilWonderTheViceroypossessednoname——nothingbutastringofcountiesandtwo-thirdsofthealphabetafterthemHesaid，inconfidence，thathewastheelectro-platedfigureheadofagoldenadministration，andhewatchedinadreamy，amusedwayWonder’sattemptstodrawmatterswhichwereentirelyoutsidehisprovinceintohisownhands“Whenweareallcherubimstogether。”saidHisExcellencyonce，mydear，goodfriendWonderwillheadtheconspiracyforpluckingoutGabriel’stail-feathersorstealingPeter’skeysTHENIshallreporthim。”
But，thoughtheViceroydidnothingtocheckWonder’sofficiousness，otherpeoplesaidunpleasantthingsMaybetheMembersofCouncilbeganit；but，finally，allSimlaagreedthattherewas“toomuchWonder，andtoolittleViceroy。”inthatregimeWonderwasalwaysquoting“HisExcellency。”Itwas“HisExcellencythis。”“HisExcellencythat。”“IntheopinionofHisExcellency。”andsoonTheViceroysmiled；buthedidnotheed。
Hesaidthat，solongashisoldmensquabbledwithhis“dear，goodWonder。”theymightbeinducedtoleavethe“ImmemorialEast“inpeace。
“Nowisemanhasapolicy。”saidtheViceroy“APolicyistheblackmailleviedontheFoolbytheUnforeseenIamnottheformer，andIdonotbelieveinthelatter。”
Idonotquiteseewhatthismeans，unlessitreferstoanInsurancePolicyPerhapsitwastheViceroy’swayofsaying：——
“Lielow。”
Thatseason，cameuptoSimlaoneofthesecrazypeoplewithonlyasingleideaThesearethemenwhomakethingsmove；buttheyarenotnicetotalktoThisman’snamewasMellish，andhehadlivedforfifteenyearsonlandofhisown，inLowerBengal，studyingcholeraHeheldthatcholerawasagermthatpropagateditselfasitflewthroughamuggyatmosphere；andstuckinthebranchesoftreeslikeawool-flakeThegermcouldberenderedsterile，hesaid，by“Mellish’sOwnInvincibleFumigatory“——aheavyviolet-
blackpowder——“theresultoffifteenyears’scientificinvestigation，Sir！”
InventorsseemverymuchalikeasacasteTheytalkloudly，especiallyabout“conspiraciesofmonopolists；“theybeatuponthetablewiththeirfists；andtheysecretefragmentsoftheirinventionsabouttheirpersons。
MellishsaidthattherewasaMedical“Ring“atSimla，headedbytheSurgeon-General，whowasinleague，apparently，withalltheHospitalAssistantsintheEmpireIforgetexactlyhowheprovedit，butithadsomethingtodowith“skulkinguptotheHills；“andwhatMellishwantedwastheindependentevidenceoftheViceroy——
“StewardofourMostGraciousMajestytheQueen，Sir。”SoMellishwentuptoSimla，witheighty-fourpoundsofFumigatoryinhistrunk，tospeaktotheViceroyandtoshowhimthemeritsoftheinvention。
ButitiseasiertoseeaViceroythantotalktohim，unlessyouchancetobeasimportantasMellisheofMadrasHewasasix-
thousand-rupeeman，sogreatthathisdaughtersnever“married。”
They“contractedalliances。”HehimselfwasnotpaidHe“receivedemoluments。”andhisjourneysaboutthecountrywere“toursofobservation。”HisbusinesswastostirupthepeopleinMadraswithalongpole——asyoustirupstenchinapond——andthepeoplehadtocomeupoutoftheircomfortableoldwaysandgasp：——
“ThisisEnlightenmentandprogressIsn’titfine！”ThentheygaveMellishestatuesandjasminegarlands，inthehopeofgettingridofhim。
MellishecameuptoSimla“toconferwiththeViceroy。”ThatwasoneofhisperquisitesTheViceroyknewnothingofMellisheexceptthathewas“oneofthosemiddle-classdeitieswhoseemnecessarytothespiritualcomfortofthisParadiseoftheMiddle-
classes。”andthat，inallprobability，hehad“suggested，designed，founded，andendowedallthepublicinstitutionsinMadras。”WhichprovesthatHisExcellency，thoughdreamy，hadexperienceofthewaysofsix-thousand-rupeemen。
Mellishe’snamewasEMellisheandMellish’swasESMellish，andtheywerebothstayingatthesamehotel，andtheFatethatlooksaftertheIndianEmpireordainedthatWondershouldblunderanddropthefinal“e；“thattheChaprassishouldhelphim，andthatthenotewhichran：“DearMrMellish——Canyousetasideyourotherengagementsandlunchwithusattwoto-morrow？HisExcellencyhasanhouratyourdisposalthen。”shouldbegiventoMellishwiththeFumigatoryHenearlyweptwithprideanddelight，andattheappointedhourcanteredofftoPeterhoff，abigpaper-bagfulloftheFumigatoryinhiscoat-tailpocketsHehadhischance，andhemeanttomakethemostofitMellisheofMadrashadbeensoportentouslysolemnabouthis“conference。”
thatWonderhadarrangedforaprivatetiffin——noA-DC。’s，noWonder，noonebuttheViceroy，whosaidplaintivelythathefearedbeingleftalonewithunmuzzledautocratslikethegreatMellisheofMadras。
ButhisguestdidnotboretheViceroyOnthecontrary，heamusedhimMellishwasnervouslyanxioustogostraighttohisFumigatory，andtalkedatrandomuntiltiffinwasoverandHisExcellencyaskedhimtosmokeTheViceroywaspleasedwithMellishbecausehedidnottalk“shop。”
Assoonasthecherootswerelit，Mellishspokelikeaman；
beginningwithhischolera-theory，reviewinghisfifteenyears’
“scientificlabors。”themachinationsofthe“SimlaRing。”andtheexcellenceofhisFumigatory，whiletheViceroywatchedhimbetweenhalf-shuteyesandthought：“Evidently，thisisthewrongtiger；butitisanoriginalanimal。”Mellish’shairwasstandingonendwithexcitement，andhestammeredHebegangropinginhiscoat-tailsand，beforetheViceroyknewwhatwasabouttohappen，hehadtippedabagfulofhispowderintothebigsilverash-tray。
“J-j-judgeforyourself，Sir。”saidMellish“Y’Excellencyshalljudgeforyourself！Absolutelyinfallible，onmyhonor。”
Heplungedthelightedendofhiscigarintothepowder，whichbegantosmokelikeavolcano，andsendupfat，greasywreathsofcopper-
coloredsmokeInfivesecondstheroomwasfilledwithamostpungentandsickeningstench——areekthattookfierceholdofthetrapofyourwindpipeandshutitThepowderthenhissedandfizzed，andsentoutblueandgreensparks，andthesmokerosetillyoucouldneithersee，norbreathe，norgaspMellish，however，wasusedtoit。
“Nitrateofstrontia。”heshouted；“baryta，bone-meal，etcetera！
ThousandcubicfeetsmokepercubicinchNotagermcouldlive——
notagerm，Y’Excellency！”
ButHisExcellencyhadfled，andwascoughingatthefootofthestairs，whileallPeterhoffhummedlikeahiveRedLancerscamein，andtheHeadChaprassi，whospeaksEnglish，camein，andmace-
bearerscamein，andladiesrandownstairsscreaming“fire；“forthesmokewasdriftingthroughthehouseandoozingoutofthewindows，andbellyingalongtheverandahs，andwreathingandwrithingacrossthegardensNoonecouldentertheroomwhereMellishwaslecturingonhisFumigatory，tillthatunspeakablepowderhadburneditselfout。
ThenanAide-de-Camp，whodesiredtheVC。，rushedthroughtherollingcloudsandhauledMellishintothehallTheViceroywasprostratewithlaughter，andcouldonlywagglehishandsfeeblyatMellish，whowasshakingafreshbagfulofpowderathim。
“Glorious！Glorious！”sobbedhisExcellency“Notagerm，asyoujustlyobserve，couldexist！IcanswearitAmagnificentsuccess！”
Thenhelaughedtillthetearscame，andWonder，whohadcaughttherealMellishesnortingontheMall，enteredandwasdeeplyshockedatthesceneButtheViceroywasdelighted，becausehesawthatWonderwouldpresentlydepartMellishwiththeFumigatorywasalsopleased，forhefeltthathehadsmashedtheSimlaMedical“Ring。”。
FewmencouldtellastorylikeHisExcellencywhenhetookthetrouble，andtheaccountof“mydear，goodWonder’sfriendwiththepowder“wenttheroundofSimla，andflippantfolkmadeWonderunhappybytheirremarks。
ButHisExcellencytoldthetaleoncetoooften——forWonderAshemeanttodoItwasataSeepeePicnicWonderwassittingjustbehindtheViceroy。
“AndIreallythoughtforamoment。”woundupHisExcellency，“thatmydear，goodWonderhadhiredanassassintoclearhiswaytothethrone！”
Everyonelaughed；buttherewasadelicatesubtinkleintheViceroy’stonewhichWonderunderstoodHefoundthathishealthwasgivingway；andtheViceroyallowedhimtogo，andpresentedhimwithaflaming“character“foruseatHomeamongbigpeople。
“Myfaultentirely。”saidHisExcellency，inafterseasons，withatwinklinginhiseye“Myinconsistencymustalwayshavebeendistastefultosuchamasterlyman。”
KIDNAPPED。
Thereisatideintheaffairsofmen，Which，takenanywayyouplease，isbad，AndstrandstheminforsakengutsandcreeksNodecentsoulwouldthinkofvisiting。
Youcannotstopthetide；butnowandthen，YoumayarrestsomerashadventurerWho——h’m——willhardlythankyouforyourpains。
Vibart’sMoralities。
Weareahigh-casteandenlightenedrace，andinfant-marriageisveryshockingandtheconsequencesaresometimespeculiar；but，nevertheless，theHindunotion——whichistheContinentalnotion——
whichistheaboriginalnotion——ofarrangingmarriagesirrespectiveofthepersonalinclinationsofthemarried，issoundThinkforaminute，andyouwillseethatitmustbeso；unless，ofcourse，youbelievein“affinities。”InwhichcaseyouhadbetternotreadthistaleHowcanamanwhohasnevermarried；whocannotbetrustedtopickupatsightamoderatelysoundhorse；whoseheadishotandupsetwithvisionsofdomesticfelicity，goaboutthechoosingofawife？Hecannotseestraightorthinkstraightifhetries；andthesamedisadvantagesexistinthecaseofagirl’sfanciesButwhenmature，marriedanddiscreetpeoplearrangeamatchbetweenaboyandagirl，theydoitsensibly，withaviewtothefuture，andtheyoungcouplelivehappilyeverafterwardsAseverybodyknows。
Properlyspeaking，GovernmentshouldestablishaMatrimonialDepartment，efficientlyofficered，withaJuryofMatrons，aJudgeoftheChiefCourt，aSeniorChaplain，andanAwfulWarning，intheshapeofalove-matchthathasgonewrong，chainedtothetreesinthecourtyardAllmarriagesshouldbemadethroughtheDepartment，whichmightbesubordinatetotheEducationalDepartment，underthesamepenaltyasthatattachingtothetransferoflandwithoutastampeddocumentButGovernmentwon’ttakesuggestionsItpretendsthatitistoobusyHowever，Iwillputmynotiononrecord，andexplaintheexamplethatillustratesthetheory。
Onceuponatimetherewasagoodyoungman——afirst-classofficerinhisownDepartment——amanwithacareerbeforehimand，possibly，aKCGEattheendofitAllhissuperiorsspokewellofhim，becauseheknewhowtoholdhistongueandhispenatthepropertimesThereareto-dayonlyelevenmeninIndiawhopossessthissecret；andtheyhaveall，withoneexception，attainedgreathonorandenormousincomes。
Thisgoodyoungmanwasquietandself-contained——toooldforhisyearsbyfarWhichalwayscarriesitsownpunishmentHadaSubaltern，oraTea-Planter’sAssistant，oranybodywhoenjoyslifeandhasnocareforto-morrow，donewhathetriedtodonotasoulwouldhavecaredButwhenPeythroppe——theestimable，virtuous，economical，quiet，hard-working，youngPeythroppe——fell，therewasaflutterthroughfiveDepartments。
ThemannerofhisfallwasinthiswayHemetaMissCastries——
d’Castriesitwasoriginally，butthefamilydroppedthed’foradministrativereasons——andhefellinlovewithherevenmoreenergeticallythatheworkedUnderstandclearlythattherewasnotabreathofawordtobesaidagainstMissCastries——notashadowofabreathShewasgoodandverylovely——possessedwhatinnocentpeopleathomecalla“Spanish“complexion，withthickblue-blackhairgrowinglowdownonherforehead，intoa“widow’speak。”
andbigvioleteyesundereyebrowsasblackandasstraightasthebordersofaGazetteExtraordinarywhenabigmandies。
But——but——
but——Well，shewasaVERYsweetgirlandverypious，butformanyreasonsshewas“impossible。”QuitesoAllgoodMammasknowwhat“impossible“meansItwasobviouslyabsurdthatPeythroppeshouldmarryherThelittleopal-tintedonyxatthebaseofherfinger-
nailssaidthisasplainlyasprintFurther，marriagewithMissCastriesmeantmarriagewithseveralotherCastries——HonoraryLieutenantCastries，herPapa，MrsEulalieCastries，herMamma，andalltheramificationsoftheCastriesfamily，onincomesrangingfromRs175toRs470amonth，andTHEIRwivesandconnectionsagain。