ButthatistheamusingpartoftheyearTherearesixothermonthswhennoneevercometocall，andthethermometerwalksinchbyinchuptothetopoftheglass，andtheofficeisdarkenedtojustabovereading-light，andthepress-machinesarered-hottotouch，andnobodywritesanythingbutaccountsofamusementsintheHill-stationsorobituarynoticesThenthetelephonebecomesatinklingterror，becauseittellsyouofthesuddendeathsofmenandwomenthatyouknewintimately，andthepricklyheatcoversyouwithagarment，andyousitdownandwrite：“AslightincreaseofsicknessisreportedfromtheKhudaJantaKhanDistrictTheoutbreakispurelysporadicinitsnature，and，thankstotheenergeticeffortsoftheDistrictauthorities，isnowalmostatanendItis，however，withdeepregretwerecordthedeath。”etc。
Thenthesicknessreallybreaksout，andthelessrecordingandreportingthebetterforthepeaceofthesubscribersButtheEmpiresandtheKingscontinuetodivertthemselvesasselfishlyasbefore，andtheForemanthinksthatadailypaperreallyoughttocomeoutonceintwenty-fourhours，andallthepeopleattheHill-
stationsinthemiddleoftheiramusementssay，“Goodgracious！
whycan’tthepaperbesparkling？I’msurethere’splentygoingonuphere。”
Thatisthedarkhalfofthemoon，and，astheadvertisementssay，“mustbeexperiencedtobeappreciated。”
Itwasinthatseason，andaremarkablyevilseason，thatthepaperbeganrunningthelastissueoftheweekonSaturdaynight，whichistosaySundaymorning，afterthecustomofaLondonpaperThiswasagreatconvenience，forimmediatelyafterthepaperwasputtobedthedawnwouldlowerthethermometerfrom96degreestoalmost84degreesforhalfanhour，andinthatchill——youhavenoideahowcoldis84degreesonthegrassuntilyoubegintoprayforit——averytiredmancouldgetofftosleeperetheheatrousedhim。
OneSaturdaynightitwasmypleasantdutytoputthepapertobedaloneAKingorcourtieroracourtesanoraCommunitywasgoingtodieorgetanewConstitution，ordosomethingthatwasimportantontheothersideoftheworld，andthepaperwastobeheldopentillthelatestpossibleminuteinordertocatchthetelegram。
Itwasapitchy-blacknight，asstiflingasaJunenightcanbe，andtheloo，thered-hotwindfromthewestward，wasboomingamongthetinder-drytreesandpretendingthattherainwasonitsheels。
Nowandagainaspotofalmostboilingwaterwouldfallonthedustwiththeflopofafrog，butallourwearyworldknewthatwasonlypretenceItwasashadecoolerinthepress-roomthantheoffice，soIsatthere，whilethetypetickedandclicked，andthenight-jarshootedatthewindows，andtheallbutnakedcompositorswipedthesweatfromtheirforeheadsandcalledforwaterThethingthatwaskeepingusback，whateveritwas，wouldnotcomeoff，thoughtheloodroppedandthelasttypewasset，andthewholeroundearthstoodstillinthechokingheat，withitsfingeronitslip，towaittheeventIdrowsed，andwonderedwhetherthetelegraphwasablessing，andwhetherthisdyingman，orstrugglingpeople，mightbeawareoftheinconveniencethedelaywascausingTherewasnospecialreasonbeyondtheheatandworrytomaketension，but，astheclock-handscreptuptothreeo-clockandthemachinesspuntheirfly-wheelstwoandthreetimestoseethatallwasinorder，beforeIsaidthewordthatwouldsetthemoff，Icouldhaveshriekedaloud。
ThentheroarandrattleofthewheelsshiveredthequietintolittlebitsIrosetogoaway，buttwomeninwhiteclothesstoodinfrontofmeThefirstonesaid，“It’shim！”Thesecondsaid，“Soitis！”
Andtheybothlaughedalmostasloudlyasthemachineryroared，andmoppedtheirforeheads“Weseedtherewasalightburningacrosstheroad，andweweresleepinginthatditchthereforcoolness，andIsaidtomyfriendhere，’TheofficeisopenLet’scomealongandspeaktohimasturnedusbackfromDegumberState，’“saidthesmallerofthetwoHewasthemanIhadmetintheMhowtrain，andhisfellowwasthered-beardedmanofMarwarJunctionTherewasnomistakingtheeyebrowsoftheoneorthebeardoftheother。
Iwasnotpleased，becauseIwishedtogotosleep，nottosquabblewithloafers“Whatdoyouwant？”Iasked。
“Halfanhour’stalkwithyou，coolandcomfortable，intheoffice。”
saidthered-beardedman“We’dlikesomedrink，——theContrackdoesn’tbeginyet，Peachey，soyouneedn’tlook，——butwhatwereallywantisadviceWedon’twantmoneyWeaskyouasafavour，becausewefoundoutyoudidusabadturnaboutDegumberState。”
Iledfromthepress-roomtothestiflingofficewiththemapsonthewalls，andthered-hairedmanrubbedhishands“That’ssomethinglike。”saidhe“Thiswasthepropershoptocometo。
Now，Sir，letmeintroduceyoutoBrotherPeacheyCarnehan，that’shim，andBrotherDanielDravot，thatisme，andthelesssaidaboutourprofessionsthebetter，forwehavebeenmostthingsinourtime——soldier，sailor，compositor，photographer，proof-reader，street-preacher，andcorrespondentsofthe’Backwoodsman’whenwethoughtthepaperwantedoneCarnehanissober，andsoamI。
Lookatusfirst，andseethat’ssureItwillsaveyoucuttingintomytalkWe’lltakeoneofyourcigarsapiece，andyoushallseeuslightup。”
IwatchedthetestThemenwereabsolutelysober，soIgavethemeachatepidwhisky-and-soda。
“Wellandgood。”saidCarnehanoftheeyebrows，wipingthefrothfromhismoustache“Letmetalknow，DanWehavebeenalloverIndia，mostlyonfootWehavebeenboiler-fitters，engine-drivers，pettycontractors，andallthat，andwehavedecidedthatIndiaisn’tbigenoughforsuchasus。”
TheycertainlyweretoobigfortheofficeDravot’sbeardseemedtofillhalftheroomandCarnehan’sshoulderstheotherhalf，astheysatonthebigtableCarnehancontinued：“Thecountryisn’thalfworkedoutbecausetheythatgovernsitwon’tletyoutouchit。
Theyspendalltheirblessedtimeingoverningit，andyoucan’tliftaspade，norchiparock，norlookforoil，noranythinglikethat，withoutalltheGovernmentsaying，’Leaveitalone，andletusgovern。’Therefore，suchasitis，wewillletitalone，andgoawaytosomeotherplacewhereamanisn’tcrowdedandcancometohisownWearenotlittlemen，andthereisnothingthatweareafraidofexceptDrink，andwehavesignedaContrackonthat。
ThereforewearegoingawaytobeKings。”
“Kingsinourownright。”mutteredDravot。
“Yes，ofcourse。”Isaid“You’vebeentrampinginthesun，andit’saverywarmnight，andhadn’tyoubettersleepoverthenotion？
Cometo-morrow。”
“Neitherdrunknorsunstruck。”saidDravot“Wehavesleptoverthenotionhalfayear，andrequiretoseeBooksandAtlases，andwehavedecidedthatthereisonlyoneplacenowintheworldthattwostrongmencanSar-a-whackTheycallitKafiristanBymyreckoningit’sthetopright-handcornerofAfghanistan，notmorethanthreehundredmilesfromPeshawarTheyhavetwoandthirtyheathenidolsthere，andwe’llbethethirty-thirdandfourthIt’samountaineouscountry，thewomenofthosepartsareverybeautiful。”
“ButthatisprovidedagainstintheContrack。”saidCarnehan。
“NeitherWomennorLiqu-or，Daniel。”
“Andthat’sallweknow，exceptthatnoonehasgonethere，andtheyfight，andinanyplacewheretheyfightamanwhoknowshowtodrillmencanalwaysbeaKingWeshallgotothosepartsandsaytoanyKingwefind，’D’youwanttovanquishyourfoes？’
andwewillshowhimhowtodrillmen；forthatweknowbetterthananythingelseThenwewillsubvertthatKingandseizehisThroneandestablishaDy-nasty。”
“You’llbecuttopiecesbeforeyou’refiftymilesacrosstheBorder。”Isaid“YouhavetotravelthroughAfghanistantogettothatcountryIt’sonemassofmountainsandpeaksandglaciers，andnoEnglishmanhasbeenthroughitThepeopleareutterbrutes，andevenifyoureachedthemyoucouldn’tdoanything。”
“That’smorelike。”saidCarnehan“IfyoucouldthinkusalittlemoremadwewouldbemorepleasedWehavecometoyoutoknowaboutthiscountry，toreadabookaboutit，andtobeshownmapsWewantyoutotellusthatwearefoolsandtoshowusyourbooks。”Heturnedtothebookcases。
“Areyouatallinearnest？”Isaid。
“Alittle。”saidDravot，sweetly“Asbigamapasyouhavegot，evenifit’sallblankwhereKafiristanis，andanybooksyou’vegot。
Wecanread，thoughwearen’tveryeducated。”
Iuncasedthebigthirty-two-miles-to-the-inchmapofIndiaandtwosmallerFrontiermaps，hauleddownvolumeINF-KANofthe“EncyclopaediaBritannica。”andthemenconsultedthem。
“Seehere！”saidDravot，histhumbonthemap“UptoJagdallak，PeacheyandmeknowtheroadWewastherewithRobert’sArmy。
We’llhavetoturnofftotherightatJagdallakthroughLaghmannterritoryThenwegetamongthehills——fourteenthousandfeet——
fifteenthousand——itwillbecoldworkthere，butitdon’tlookveryfaronthemap。”
IhandedhimWoodonthe“SourcesoftheOxus。”Carnehanwasdeepinthe“Encyclopaedia。”
“They’reamixedlot。”saidDravot，reflectively；“anditwon’thelpustoknowthenamesoftheirtribesThemoretribesthemorethey’llfight，andthebetterforusFromJagdallaktoAshang。
H’mm！”
“Butalltheinformationaboutthecountryisassketchyandinaccurateascanbe。”Iprotested“NooneknowsanythingaboutitreallyHere’sthefileofthe’UnitedServices’Institute。’ReadwhatBellewsays。”
“BlowBellew！”saidCarnehan“Dan，they’reastinkin’lotofheathens，butthisbookheresaystheythinkthey’rerelatedtousEnglish。”
IsmokedwhilethemenpouredoverRaverty，Wood，themaps，andthe“Encyclopaedia。”
“Thereisnouseyourwaiting。”saidDravot，politely“It’saboutfouro’clocknowWe’llgobeforesixo’clockifyouwanttosleep，andwewon’tstealanyofthepapersDon’tyousitupWe’retwoharmlesslunatics，andifyoucometo-morroweveningdowntotheSeraiwe’llsaygood-byetoyou。”
“Youaretwofools。”Ianswered“You’llbeturnedbackattheFrontierorcutuptheminuteyousetfootinAfghanistanDoyouwantanymoneyorarecommendationdown-country？Icanhelpyoutothechanceofworknextweek。”
“Nextweekweshallbehardatworkourselves，thankyou。”saidDravot“Itisn’tsoeasybeingaKingasitlooksWhenwe’vegotourKingdomingoingorderwe’llletyouknow，andyoucancomeupandhelpusgovernit。”
“WouldtwolunaticsmakeaContracklikethat？”saidCarnehan，withsubduedpride，showingmeagreasyhalf-sheetofnotepaperonwhichwaswrittenthefollowingIcopiedit，thenandthere，asacuriosity。
ThisContracxbetweenmeandyoupersuingwitnessethinthenameofGod——Amenandsoforth。
OneThatmeandyouwillsettlethismattertogether；i。e。，tobeKingsofKafiristan。
TwoThatyouandmewillnot，whilethismatterisbeingsettled，lookatanyLiquor，noranyWoman，black，white，orbrown，soastogetmixedupwithoneortheotherharmful。
ThreeThatweconductourselveswithDignityandDiscretion，andifoneofusgetsintotroubletheotherwillstaybyhim。
Signedbyyouandmethisday。
PeacheyTaliaferroCarnehan。
DanielDravot。
BothGentlemenatLarge。
“Therewasnoneedforthelastarticle。”saidCarnehan，blushingmodestly；“butitlooksregularNowyouknowthesortofmenthatloafersare，——weareloafers，Dan，untilwegetoutofIndia，——anddoyouthinkthatwewouldsignaContracklikethatunlesswewasinearnest？Wehavekeptawayfromthetwothingsthatmakelifeworthhaving。”
“Youwon’tenjoyyourlivesmuchlongerifyouaregoingtotrythisidioticadventureDon’tsettheofficeonfire。”Isaid，“andgoawaybeforenineo’clock。”