Part7
Thenonedayalittlethinghappenedthatclotheditselfinsignificance。
Shehadbeenworkinguponaribbonofmicrotomesectionsofthedevelopingsalamander，andhecametoseewhatshehadmadeofthem。Shestoodupandhesatdownatthemicroscope，andforatimehewasbusyscrutinizingonesectionafteranother。Shelookeddownathimandsawthatthesunlightwasgleamingfromhischeeks，andthatalloverhischeekswasafinegoldendownofdelicatehairs。Andatthesightsomethingleapedwithinher。
Somethingchangedforher。
Shebecameawareofhispresenceasshehadneverbeenawareofanyhumanbeinginherlifebefore。Shebecameawareofthemodellingofhisear，ofthemusclesofhisneckandthetexturesofthehairthatcameoffhisbrow，thesoftminutecurveofeyelidthatshecouldjustseebeyondhisbrow；sheperceivedallthesefamiliarobjectsasthoughtheywereacutelybeautifulthings。TheyWERE，sherealized，acutelybeautifulthings。Hersensefollowedtheshouldersunderhiscoat，downtowherehisflexible，sensitive-lookinghandrestedlightlyuponthetable。
Shefelthimassomethingsolidandstrongandtrustworthybeyondmeasure。Theperceptionofhimfloodedherbeing。
Hegotup。\"Here’ssomethingrathergood，\"hesaid，andwithastartandaneffortshetookhisplaceatthemicroscope，whilehestoodbesideherandalmostleaningoverher。
Shefoundshewastremblingathisnearnessandfullofathrillingdreadthathemighttouchher。Shepulledherselftogetherandputhereyetotheeye-piece。
\"Youseethepointer？\"heasked。
\"Iseethepointer，\"shesaid。
\"It’slikethis，\"hesaid，anddraggedastoolbesideherandsatdownwithhiselbowfourinchesfromhersandmadeasketch。
Thenhegotupandlefther。
Shehadafeelingathisdepartureasofanimmensecavity，ofsomethingenormouslygone；shecouldnottellwhetheritwasinfiniteregretorinfiniterelief……
ButnowAnnVeronicaknewwhatwasthematterwithher。
Part8
Andasshesatonherbedthatnight，musingandhalf-undressed，shebegantorunonehanddownherarmandscrutinizethesoftflowofmuscleunderherskin。Shethoughtofthemarvellousbeautyofskin，andallthedelightfulnessoflivingtexture。Ohthebackofherarmshefoundthefaintestdownofhairintheworld。\"Etherializedmonkey，\"shesaid。Sheheldoutherarmstraightbeforeher，andturnedherhandthiswayandthat。
\"Whyshouldonepretend？\"shewhispered。\"Whyshouldonepretend？
\"Thinkofallthebeautyintheworldthatiscoveredupandoverlaid。\"
Sheglancedshylyatthemirroraboveherdressing-table，andthenaboutheratthefurniture，asthoughitmightpenetratetothethoughtsthatpeepedinhermind。
\"Iwonder，\"saidAnnVeronicaatlast，\"ifIambeautiful？I
wonderifIshallevershinelikealight，likeatranslucentgoddess？——
\"Iwonder——
\"Isupposegirlsandwomenhaveprayedforthis，havecometothis——InBabylon，inNineveh。
\"Whyshouldn’tonefacethefactsofone’sself？\"
Shestoodup。Sheposedherselfbeforehermirrorandsurveyedherselfwithgravelythoughtful，gravelycritical，andyetadmiringeyes。\"And，afterall，Iamjustonecommonperson！\"
Shewatchedthethrobofthearteriesinthestemofherneck，andputherhandatlastgentlyandalmosttimidlytowhereherheartbeatbeneathherbreast。
Part9
TherealizationthatshewasinlovefloodedAnnVeronica’smind，andalteredthequalityofallitstopics。
ShebegantothinkpersistentlyofCapes，anditseemedtohernowthatforsomeweeksatleastshemusthavebeenthinkingpersistentlyofhimunawares。Shewassurprisedtofindhowstoredhermindwaswithimpressionsandmemoriesofhim，howvividlysherememberedhisgesturesandlittlethingsthathehadsaid。Itoccurredtoherthatitwasabsurdandwrongtobesocontinuouslythinkingofoneengrossingtopic，andshemadeastrenuousefforttoforcehermindtootherquestions。
ButitwasextraordinarywhatseeminglyirrelevantthingscouldrestorehertothethoughtofCapesagain。Andwhenshewenttosleep，thenalwaysCapesbecamethenovelandwonderfulguestofherdreams。
Foratimeitreallyseemedall-sufficienttoherthatsheshouldlove。ThatCapesshouldloveherseemedbeyondthecompassofherimagination。Indeed，shedidnotwanttothinkofhimaslovingher。Shewantedtothinkofhimasherbelovedperson，tobenearhimandwatchhim，tohavehimgoingabout，doingthisandthat，sayingthisandthat，unconsciousofher，whileshetooremainedunconsciousofherself。Tothinkofhimaslovingherwouldmakeallthatdifferent。Thenhewouldturnhisfacetoher，andshewouldhavetothinkofherselfinhiseyes。Shewouldbecomedefensive——whatshedidwouldbethethingthatmattered。Hewouldrequirethingsofher，andshewouldbepassionatelyconcernedtomeethisrequirements。Lovingwasbetterthanthat。Lovingwasself-forgetfulness，puredelightinginanotherhumanbeing。ShefeltthatwithCapesneartohershewouldbecontentalwaystogoonloving。
Shewentnextdaytotheschools，andherworldseemedallmadeofhappinessjustworkeduproughlyintoshapesandoccasionsandduties。Shefoundshecoulddohermicroscopeworkallthebetterforbeinginlove。Shewincedwhenfirstsheheardthepreparation-roomdooropenandCapescamedownthelaboratory；
butwhenatlasthereachedhershewasself-possessed。Sheputastoolforhimatalittledistancefromherown，andafterhehadseentheday’sworkhehesitated，andthenplungedintoaresumptionoftheirdiscussionaboutbeauty。
\"Ithink，\"hesaid，\"Iwasalittletoomysticalaboutbeautytheotherday。\"
\"Ilikethemysticalway，\"shesaid。
\"Ourbusinesshereistherightway。I’vebeenthinking，youknow——I’mnotsurethatprimarilytheperceptionofbeautyisn’tjustintensityoffeelingfreefrompain；intensityofperceptionwithoutanytissuedestruction。\"
\"Ilikethemysticalwaybetter，\"saidAnnVeronica，andthought。
\"Anumberofbeautifulthingsarenotintense。\"
\"Butdelicacy，forexample，maybeintenselyperceived。\"
\"Butwhyisonefacebeautifulandanothernot？\"objectedAnnVeronica；\"onyourtheoryanytwofacessidebysideinthesunlightoughttobeequallybeautiful。Onemustgetthemwithexactlythesameintensity。\"
Hedidnotagreewiththat。\"Idon’tmeansimplyintensityofsensation。Isaidintensityofperception。Youmayperceiveharmony，proportion，rhythm，intensely。Theyarethingsfaintandslightinthemselves，asphysicalfacts，buttheyarelikethedetonatorofabomb:theyletloosetheexplosive。There’stheinternalfactoraswellastheexternal……Idon’tknowifIexpressmyselfclearly。Imeanthatthepointisthatvividnessofperceptionistheessentialfactorofbeauty；but，ofcourse，vividnessmaybecreatedbyawhisper。\"
\"Thatbringsusback，\"saidAnnVeronica，\"tothemystery。Whyshouldsomethingsandnotothersopenthedeeps？\"
\"Well，thatmight，afterall，beanoutcomeofselection——likethepreferenceforblueflowers，whicharenotnearlysobrightasyellow，ofsomeinsects。\"
\"Thatdoesn’texplainsunsets。\"
\"Notquitesoeasilyasitexplainsaninsectalightingoncoloredpaper。Butperhapsifpeopledidn’tlikeclear，bright，healthyeyes——whichisbiologicallyunderstandable——theycouldn’tlikepreciousstones。Onethingmaybeanecessarycollateraloftheothers。And，afterall，afineclearskyofbrightcolorsisthesignaltocomeoutofhidingandrejoiceandgoonwithlife。\"
\"H’m！\"saidAnnVeronica，andshookherhead。
Capessmiledcheerfullywithhiseyesmeetinghers。\"Ithrowitoutinpassing，\"hesaid。\"WhatIamafteristhatbeautyisn’taspecialinsertedsortofthing；that’smyidea。It’sjustlife，purelife，lifenascent，runningclearandstrong。\"
Hestooduptogoontothenextstudent。
\"There’smorbidbeauty，\"saidAnnVeronica。
\"Iwonderifthereis！\"saidCapes，andpaused，andthenbentdownovertheboywhoworehishairlikeRussell。
AnnVeronicasurveyedhisslopingbackforamoment，andthendrewhermicroscopetowardher。Thenforatimeshesatverystill。Shefeltthatshehadpassedadifficultcorner，andthatnowshecouldgoontalkingwithhimagain，justasshehadbeenusedtodobeforesheunderstoodwhatwasthematterwithher……
Shehadoneidea，shefound，veryclearinhermind——thatshewouldgetaResearchScholarship，andsocontriveanotheryearinthelaboratory。
\"NowIseewhateverythingmeans，\"saidAnnVeronicatoherself；
anditreallyfeltforsomedaysasthoughthesecretoftheuniverse，thathadbeenwrappedandhiddenfromhersoobstinately，wasatlastaltogetherdisplayed。
CHAPTERTHENINTH
DISCORDS
Part1
Oneafternoon，soonafterAnnVeronica’sgreatdiscovery，atelegramcameintothelaboratoryforher。Itran:——
Boredandnothingtodo
——————————
willyoudinewithme
——————————
to-nightsomewhereandtalkI
——————————
shallbegratefulRamage——
AnnVeronicawasratherpleasedbythis。ShehadnotseenRamagefortenorelevendays，andshewasquitereadyforagossipwithhim。Andnowhermindwassofullofthethoughtthatshewasinlove——inlove！——thatmarvellousstate！thatIreallybelieveshehadsomedimideaoftalkingtohimaboutit。Atanyrate，itwouldbegoodtohearhimsayingthesortofthingshedid——perhapsnowshewouldgraspthembetter——withthisworld——shakingsecretbrandishingitselfaboutinsideherheadwithinayardofhim。
ShewassorrytofindRamagealittledisposedtobemelancholy。
\"Ihavemadeoversevenhundredpoundsinthelastweek，\"hesaid。
\"That’sexhilarating，\"saidAnnVeronica。
\"Notabitofit，\"hesaid；\"it’sonlyascoreinagame。\"
\"It’sascoreyoucanbuyallsortsofthingswith。\"
\"Nothingthatonewants。\"
Heturnedtothewaiter，whoheldawine-card。\"Nothingcancheerme，\"hesaid，\"exceptchampagne。\"Hemeditated。\"This，\"hesaid，andthen:\"No！Isthissweeter？Verywell。\"
\"Everythinggoeswellwithme，\"hesaid，foldinghisarmsunderhimandregardingAnnVeronicawiththeslightlyprojectingeyeswideopen。\"AndI’mnothappy。IbelieveI’minlove。\"
Heleanedbackforhissoup。
Presentlyheresumed:\"IbelieveImustbeinlove。\"
\"Youcan’tbethat，\"saidAnnVeronica，wisely。
\"Howdoyouknow？\"
\"Well，itisn’texactlyadepressingstate，isit？\"
\"YOUdon’tknow。\"
\"Onehastheories，\"saidAnnVeronica，radiantly。
\"Oh，theories！Beinginloveisafact。\"
\"Itoughttomakeonehappy。\"
\"It’sanunrest——alonging——What’sthat？\"Thewaiterhadintervened。\"Parmesan——takeitaway！\"
HeglancedatAnnVeronica’sface，anditseemedtohimthatshereallywasexceptionallyradiant。Hewonderedwhyshethoughtlovemadepeoplehappy，andbegantotalkofthesmilaxandpinksthatadornedthetable。Hefilledherglasswithchampagne。
\"YouMUST，\"hesaid，\"becauseofmydepression。\"
Theywereeatingquailswhentheyreturnedtothetopicoflove。
\"Whatmadeyouthink\"hesaid，abruptly，withthegleamofavidityinhisface，\"thatlovemakespeoplehappy？\"
\"Iknowitmust。\"
\"Buthow？\"
Hewas，shethought，alittletooinsistent。\"Womenknowthesethingsbyinstinct，\"sheanswered。
\"Iwonder，\"hesaid，\"ifwomendoknowthingsbyinstinct？I
havemydoubtsaboutfeminineinstinct。It’soneofourconventionalsuperstitions。Awomanissupposedtoknowwhenamanisinlovewithher。Doyouthinkshedoes？\"
AnnVeronicapickedamonghersaladwithajudicialexpressionofface。\"Ithinkshewould，\"shedecided。
\"Ah！\"saidRamage，impressively。
AnnVeronicalookedupathimandfoundhimregardingherwitheyesthatwerealmostwoebegone，andintowhich，indeed，hewastryingtothrowmuchmoreexpressionthantheycouldcarry。
Therewasalittlepausebetweenthem，fullforAnnVeronicaofrapidelusivesuspicionsandintimations。
\"Perhapsonetalksnonsenseaboutawoman’sinstinct，\"shesaid。
\"It’sawayofavoidingexplanations。Andgirlsandwomen，perhaps，aredifferent。Idon’tknow。Idon’tsupposeagirlcantellifamanisinlovewithherornotinlovewithher。\"
HermindwentofftoCapes。Herthoughtstookwordsforthemselves。\"Shecan’t。Isupposeitdependsonherownstateofmind。Ifonewantsathingverymuch，perhapsoneisinclinedtothinkonecan’thaveit。Isupposeifoneweretolovesomeone，onewouldfeeldoubtful。Andifoneweretolovesomeoneverymuch，it’sjustsothatonewouldbeblindest，justwhenonewantedmosttosee。\"
Shestoppedabruptly，afraidthatRamagemightbeabletoinferCapesfromthethingsshehadsaid，andindeedhisfacewasveryeager。
\"Yes？\"hesaid。
AnnVeronicablushed。\"That’sall，\"shesaid\"I’mafraidI’malittleconfusedaboutthesethings。\"
Ramagelookedather，andthenfellintodeepreflectionasthewaitercametoparagraphtheirtalkagain。
\"Haveyoueverbeentotheopera，AnnVeronica？\"saidRamage。
\"Onceortwice。\"
\"Shallwegonow？\"
\"IthinkIwouldliketolistentomusic。Whatisthere？\"
\"Tristan。\"
\"I’veneverheardTristanandIsolde。\"
\"Thatsettlesit。We’llgo。There’ssuretobeaplacesomewhere。\"
\"It’sratherjollyofyou，\"saidAnnVeronica。
\"It’sjollyofyoutocome，\"saidRamage。
Sopresentlytheygotintoahansomtogether，andAnnVeronicasatbackfeelingveryluxuriousandpleasant，andlookedatthelightandstirandmistyglitterofthestreettrafficfromunderslightlydroopingeyelids，whileRamagesatclosertoherthanheneedhavedone，andglancedeverandagainatherface，andmadetospeakandsaidnothing。AndwhentheygottoCoventGardenRamagesecuredoneofthelittleupperboxes，andtheycameintoitastheoverturebegan。
AnnVeronicatookoffherjacketandsatdowninthecornerchair，andleanedforwardtolookintothegreathazywarmbrowncavityofthehouse，andRamageplacedhischairtositbesideherandnearher，facingthestage。Themusictookholdofherslowlyashereyeswanderedfromtheindistinctstillranksoftheaudiencetothelittlebusyorchestrawithitsquiveringviolins，itsmethodicalmovementsofbrownandsilverinstruments，itsbrightlylitscoresandshadedlights。Shehadneverbeentotheoperabeforeexceptasoneofacongestedmassofpeopleinthecheaperseats，andwithbacksandheadsandwomen’shatsfortheframeofthespectacle；therewasbycontrastafinelargesenseofspaceandeaseinherpresentposition。ThecurtainroseoutoftheconcludingbarsoftheovertureandrevealedIsoldeontheprowofthebarbaricship。
Thevoiceoftheyoungseamancamefloatingdownfromthemasthead，andthestoryoftheimmortallovershadbegun。Sheknewthestoryonlyimperfectly，andfolloweditnowwithapassionateanddeepeninginterest。Thesplendidvoicessangonfromphasetophaseoflove’sunfolding，theshipdroveacrosstheseatothebeatingrhythmoftherowers。Theloversbrokeintopassionateknowledgeofthemselvesandeachother，andthen，ajarringintervention，cameKingMarkamidsttheshoutsofthesailormen，andstoodbesidethem。
Thecurtaincamefestooningslowlydown，themusicceased，thelightsintheauditoriumglowedout，andAnnVeronicawokeoutofherconfuseddreamofinvoluntaryandcommandingloveinagloryofsoundandcolorstodiscoverthatRamagewassittingclosebesideherwithonehandrestinglightlyonherwaist。Shemadeaquickmovement，andthehandfellaway。
\"ByGod！AnnVeronica，\"hesaid，sighingdeeply。\"Thisstirsone。\"
Shesatquitestilllookingathim。
\"IwishyouandIhaddrunkthatlovepotion，\"hesaid。
Shefoundnoreadyreplytothat，andhewenton:\"Thismusicisthefoodoflove。Itmakesmedesirelifebeyondmeasure。Life！
Lifeandlove！Itmakesmewanttobealwaysyoung，alwaysstrong，alwaysdevotingmylife——anddyingsplendidly。\"
\"Itisverybeautiful，\"saidAnnVeronicainalowtone。
Theysaidnomoreforamoment，andeachwasnowacutelyawareoftheother。AnnVeronicawasexcitedandpuzzled，withasenseofastrangeanddisconcertingnewlightbreakingoverherrelationswithRamage。Shehadneverthoughtofhimatallinthatwaybefore。Itdidnotshockher；itamazedher，interestedherbeyondmeasure。Butalsothismustnotgoon。Shefelthewasgoingtosaysomethingmore——somethingstillmorepersonalandintimate。Shewascurious，andatthesametimeclearlyresolvedshemustnothearit。Shefeltshemustgethimtalkinguponsomeimpersonalthemeatanycost。Shesnatchedaboutinhermind。
\"Whatistheexactforceofamotif？\"sheaskedatrandom。
\"BeforeIheardmuchWagnerianmusicIheardenthusiasticdescriptionsofitfromamistressIdidn’tlikeatschool。Shegavemeanimpressionofasortofpatchedquilt；littlebitsofpatternedstuffcomingupagainandagain。\"
Shestoppedwithanairofinterrogation。
Ramagelookedatherforalonganddiscriminatingintervalwithoutspeaking。Heseemedtobehesitatingbetweentwocoursesofaction。\"Idon’tknowmuchaboutthetechniqueofmusic，\"hesaidatlast，withhiseyesuponher。\"It’samatteroffeelingwithme。\"
Hecontradictedhimselfbyplungingintoanexpositionofmotifs。
Byatacitagreementtheyignoredthesignificantthingbetweenthem，ignoredtheslippingawayofthegroundonwhichtheyhadstoodtogetherhitherto……
Allthroughthelovemusicofthesecondact，untilthehuntinghornsofMarkbreakinuponthedream，AnnVeronica’sconsciousnesswasfloodedwiththeperceptionofamanclosebesideher，preparingsomenewthingtosaytoher，preparing，perhaps，totouchher，stretchinghungryinvisibletentaclesabouther。Shetriedtothinkwhatsheshoulddointhiseventualityorthat。HermindhadbeenandwasfullofthethoughtofCapes，ahugegeneralizedCapes-lover。Andinsomeincomprehensibleway，RamagewasconfusedwithCapes；shehadagrotesquedispositiontopersuadeherselfthatthiswasreallyCapeswhosurroundedher，asitwere，withwingsofdesire。Thefactthatitwashertrustedfriendmakingillicitlovetoherremained，inspiteofallhereffort，aninsignificantthinginhermind。Themusicconfusedanddistractedher，andmadeherstruggleagainstafeelingofintoxication。Herheadswam。Thatwastheinconvenienceofit；herheadwasswimming。Themusicthrobbedintothewarningsthatprecededtheking’sirruption。
Abruptlyhegrippedherwrist。\"Iloveyou，AnnVeronica。I
loveyou——withallmyheartandsoul。\"
Sheputherfaceclosertohis。Shefeltthewarmnearnessofhis。\"DON’T！\"shesaid，andwrenchedherwristfromhisretaininghand。
\"MyGod！AnnVeronica，\"hesaid，strugglingtokeephisholduponher；\"myGod！Tellme——tellmenow——tellmeyouloveme！\"
Hisexpressionwasasitwererapaciouslyfurtive。Sheansweredinwhispers，fortherewasthewhitearmofawomaninthenextboxpeepingbeyondthepartitionwithinayardofhim。
\"Myhand！Thisisn’ttheplace。\"
Hereleasedherhandandtalkedineagerundertonesagainstanauditorybackgroundofurgencyanddistress。
\"AnnVeronica，\"hesaid，\"Itellyouthisislove。Ilovethesolesofyourfeet。Iloveyourverybreath。Ihavetriednottotellyou——triedtobesimplyyourfriend。Itisnogood。Iwantyou。Iworshipyou。Iwoulddoanything——Iwouldgiveanythingtomakeyoumine……Doyouhearme？DoyouhearwhatIamsaying？……Love！\"
Heheldherarmandabandoneditagainatherquickdefensivemovement。Foralongtimeneitherspokeagain。
Shesatdrawntogetherinherchairinthecornerofthebox，atalosswhattosayordo——afraid，curious，perplexed。Itseemedtoherthatitwasherdutytogetupandclamortogohometoherroom，toprotestagainsthisadvancesasaninsult。Butshedidnotintheleastwanttodothat。Thesesweepingdignitieswerenotwithinthecompassofherwill；sherememberedshelikedRamage，andowedthingstohim，andshewasinterested——shewasprofoundlyinterested。Hewasinlovewithher！Shetriedtograspallthewelterofvaluesinthesituationsimultaneously，anddrawsomeconclusionfromtheirdisorder。
Hebegantotalkagaininquickundertonesthatshecouldnotclearlyhear。
\"Ihavelovedyou，\"hewassaying，\"eversinceyousatonthatgateandtalked。Ihavealwayslovedyou。Idon’tcarewhatdividesus。Idon’tcarewhatelsethereisintheworld。I
wantyoubeyondmeasureorreckoning……\"
HisvoiceroseandfellamidstthemusicandthesingingofTristanandKingMark，likeavoiceheardinabadlyconnectedtelephone。Shestaredathispleadingface。
Sheturnedtothestage，andTristanwaswoundedinKurvenal’sarms，withIsoldeathisfeet，andKingMark，theincarnationofmasculineforceandobligation，themasculinecreditorofloveandbeauty，stoodoverhim，andthesecondclimaxwasendinginwreathsandreekofmelodies；andthenthecurtainwascomingdowninaseriesofshortrushes，themusichadended，andthepeoplewerestirringandbreakingoutintoapplause，andthelightsoftheauditoriumwereresuming。Thelighting-uppiercedtheobscurityofthebox，andRamagestoppedhisurgentflowofwordsabruptlyandsatback。ThishelpedtorestoreAnnVeronica’sself-command。
Sheturnedhereyestohimagain，andsawherlatefriendandpleasantandtrustedcompanion，whohadseenfitsuddenlytochangeintoalover，babblinginterestinginacceptablethings。
Helookedeagerandflushedandtroubled。Hiseyescaughtatherswithpassionateinquiries。\"Tellme，\"hesaid；\"speaktome。\"Sherealizeditwaspossibletobesorryforhim——acutelysorryforthesituation。Ofcoursethisthingwasabsolutelyimpossible。Butshewasdisturbed，mysteriouslydisturbed。Sherememberedabruptlythatshewasreallylivinguponhismoney。
Sheleanedforwardandaddressedhim。
\"Mr。Ramage，\"shesaid，\"pleasedon’ttalklikethis。\"
Hemadetospeakanddidnot。
\"Idon’twantyoutodoit，togoontalkingtome。Idon’twanttohearyou。IfIhadknownthatyouhadmeanttotalklikethisIwouldn’thavecomehere。\"
\"ButhowcanIhelpit？HowcanIkeepsilence？\"
\"Please！\"sheinsisted。\"Pleasenotnow。\"
\"IMUSTtalkwithyou。ImustsaywhatIhavetosay！\"
\"Butnotnow——nothere。\"
\"Itcame，\"hesaid。\"Ineverplannedit——AndnowIhavebegun——\"
Shefeltacutelythathewasentitledtoexplanations，andasacutelythatexplanationswereimpossiblethatnight。Shewantedtothink。
\"Mr。Ramage，\"shesaid，\"Ican’t——Notnow。Willyouplease——
Notnow，orImustgo。\"
Hestaredather，tryingtoguessatthemysteryofherthoughts。
\"Youdon’twanttogo？\"
\"No。ButImust——Iought——\"
\"IMUSTtalkaboutthis。IndeedImust。\"
\"Notnow。\"
\"ButIloveyou。Iloveyou——unendurably。\"
\"Thendon’ttalktomenow。Idon’twantyoutotalktomenow。
Thereisaplace——Thisisn’ttheplace。Youhavemisunderstood。
Ican’texplain——\"
Theyregardedoneanother，eachblindedtotheother。\"Forgiveme，\"hedecidedtosayatlast，andhisvoicehadalittlequiverofemotion，andhelaidhishandonhersuponherknee。\"Iamthemostfoolishofmen。Iwasstupid——stupidandimpulsivebeyondmeasuretoburstuponyouinthisway。I——Iamalove-
sickidiot，andnotaccountableformyactions。Willyouforgiveme——ifIsaynomore？\"
Shelookedathimwithperplexed，earnesteyes。
\"Pretend，\"hesaid，\"thatallIhavesaidhasn’tbeensaid。Andletusgoonwithourevening。Whynot？ImagineI’vehadafitofhysteria——andthatI’vecomeround。\"
\"Yes，\"shesaid，andabruptlyshelikedhimenormously。Shefeltthiswasthesensiblewayoutofthisoddlysinistersituation。
Hestillwatchedherandquestionedher。
\"Andletushaveatalkaboutthis——someothertime。Somewhere，wherewecantalkwithoutinterruption。Willyou？\"
Shethought，anditseemedtohimshehadneverlookedsoself-disciplinedanddeliberateandbeautiful。\"Yes，\"shesaid，\"thatiswhatweoughttodo。\"Butnowshedoubtedagainofthequalityofthearmisticetheyhadjustmade。
Hehadawildimpulsetoshout。\"Agreed，\"hesaidwithqueerexaltation，andhisgriptightenedonherhand。\"Andto-nightwearefriends？\"
\"Wearefriends，\"saidAnnVeronica，anddrewherhandquicklyawayfromhim。
\"To-nightweareaswehavealwaysbeen。Exceptthatthismusicwehavebeenswimminginisdivine。WhileIhavebeenpesteringyou，haveyouheardit？Atleast，youheardthefirstact。Andallthethirdactislove-sickmusic。TristandyingandIsoldecomingtocrownhisdeath。Wagnerhadjustbeeninlovewhenhewroteitall。Itbeginswiththatqueerpiccolosolo。NowI
shallneverhearitbutwhatthiseveningwillcomepouringbackoverme。\"
Thelightssank，thepreludetothethirdactwasbeginning，themusicroseandfellincrowdedintimationsofloversseparated——loversseparatedwithscarsandmemoriesbetweenthem，andthecurtainwentreefinguptodisplayTristanlyingwoundedonhiscouchandtheshepherdcrouchingwithhispipe。
Part2
Theyhadtheirexplanationsthenextevening，buttheywereexplanationsinquiteothertermsthanAnnVeronicahadanticipated，quiteotherandmuchmorestartlingandilluminatingterms。Ramagecameforheratherlodgings，andshemethimgraciouslyandkindlyasaqueenwhoknowsshemustneedsgivesorrowtoafaithfulliege。Shewasunusuallysoftandgentleinhermannertohim。Hewaswearinganewsilkhat，withaslightlymoregenerousbrimthanitspredecessor，anditsuitedhistypeofface，robbedhisdarkeyesalittleoftheiraggressivenessandgavehimasolidanddignifiedandbenevolentair。Afaintanticipationoftriumphshowedinhismannerandasubduedexcitement。
\"We’llgotoaplacewherewecanhaveaprivateroom，\"hesaid。
\"Then——thenwecantalkthingsout。\"
SotheywentthistimetotheRococo，inGermainStreet，andup-stairstoalandinguponwhichstoodabald-headedwaiterwithwhiskerslikeaFrenchadmiralanddiscretionbeyondalllimitsinhismanner。Heseemedtohaveexpectedthem。Heusheredthemwithanamiableflathandintoaminuteapartmentwithalittlegas-stove，asilkcrimson-coveredsofa，andabrightlittletable，gaywithnaperyandhot-houseflowers。
\"Oddlittleroom，\"saidAnnVeronica，dimlyapprehendingthatobtrusivesofa。
\"Onecantalkwithoutundertones，sotospeak，\"saidRamage。
\"It’s——private。\"Hestoodlookingatthepreparationsbeforethemwithanunusualpreoccupationofmanner，thenrousedhimselftotakeherjacket，alittleawkwardly，andhandittothewaiterwhohungitinthecorneroftheroom。Itappearedhehadalreadyordereddinnerandwine，andthewhiskeredwaiterwavedinhissubordinatewiththesoupforthwith。
\"I’mgoingtotalkofindifferentthemes，\"saidRamage，alittlefussily，\"untiltheseinterruptionsoftheserviceareover。
Then——thenweshallbetogether……HowdidyoulikeTristan？\"
AnnVeronicapausedthefractionofasecondbeforeherreplycame。
\"Ithoughtmuchofitamazinglybeautiful。\"
\"Isn’tit。Andtothinkthatmangotitalloutofthepoorestlittlelove-storyforarespectabletitledlady！Haveyoureadofit？\"
\"Never。\"
\"Itgivesinanutshellthemiracleofartandtheimagination。
Yougetthisqueerirasciblemusicianquiteimpossiblyandunfortunatelyinlovewithawealthypatroness，andthenoutofhisbraincomesTHIS，atapestryofgloriousmusic，settingoutlovetolovers，loverswholoveinspiteofallthatiswiseandrespectableandright。\"
AnnVeronicathought。Shedidnotwanttoseemtoshrinkfromconversation，butallsortsofoddquestionswererunningthroughhermind。\"Iwonderwhypeopleinlovearesodefiant，socarelessofotherconsiderations？\"
\"Theveryharesgrowbrave。IsupposebecauseitISthechiefthinginlife。\"Hestoppedandsaidearnestly:\"Itisthechiefthinginlife，andeverythingelsegoesdownbeforeit。
Everything，mydear，everything！……ButwehavegottotalkuponindifferentthemesuntilwehavedonewiththisblondyounggentlemanfromBavaria……\"
Thedinnercametoanendatlast，andthewhiskeredwaiterpresentedhisbillandevacuatedtheapartmentandclosedthedoorbehindhimwithanalmostostentatiousdiscretion。Ramagestoodup，andsuddenlyturnedthekeyinthedoorinanoff-handmanner。\"Now，\"hesaid，\"noonecanblunderinuponus。Wearealoneandwecansayanddowhatweplease。Wetwo。\"Hestoodstill，lookingather。
AnnVeronicatriedtoseemabsolutelyunconcerned。Theturningofthekeystartledher，butshedidnotseehowshecouldmakeanobjection。Shefeltshehadsteppedintoaworldofunknownusages。
\"Ihavewaitedforthis，\"hesaid，andstoodquitestill，lookingatheruntilthesilencebecameoppressive。
\"Won’tyousitdown，\"shesaid，\"andtellmewhatyouwanttosay？\"Hervoicewasflatandfaint。Suddenlyshehadbecomeafraid。Shestrugglednottobeafraid。Afterall，whatcouldhappen？
Hewaslookingatherveryhardandearnestly。\"AnnVeronica，\"hesaid。
Thenbeforeshecouldsayawordtoarresthimhewasatherside。\"Don’t！\"shesaid，weakly，ashehadbentdownandputonearmaboutherandseizedherhandswithhisdisengagedhandandkissedher——kissedheralmostuponherlips。Heseemedtodotenthingsbeforeshecouldthinktodoone，toleapuponherandtakepossession。
AnnVeronica’suniverse，whichhadneverbeenaltogethersorespectfultoherasshecouldhavewished，gaveashoutandwhirledheadoverheels。Everythingintheworldhadchangedforher。Ifhatecouldkill，Ramagewouldhavebeenkilledbyaflashofhate。\"Mr。Ramage！\"shecried，andstruggledtoherfeet。
\"Mydarling！\"hesaid，claspingherresolutelyinhisarms，\"mydearest！\"
\"Mr。Ramage！\"shebegan，andhismouthsealedhersandhisbreathwasmixedwithherbreath。Hereyemethisfourinchesaway，andhiswasglaring，immense，andfullofresolution，astupendousmonsterofaneye。
Sheshutherlipshard，herjawhardened，andshesetherselftostrugglewithhim。Shewrenchedherheadawayfromhisgripandgotherarmbetweenhischestandhers。Theybegantowrestlefiercely。Eachbecamefrightfullyawareoftheotherasaplasticenergeticbody，ofthestrongmusclesofneckagainstcheek，ofhandsgrippingshoulder-bladeandwaist。\"Howdareyou！\"shepanted，withherworldscreamingandgrimacinginsultather。\"Howdareyou！\"
Theywerebothastonishedattheother’sstrength。PerhapsRamagewasthemoreastonished。AnnVeronicahadbeenanardenthockeyplayerandhadhadacourseofjiu-jitsuintheHighSchool。Herdefenceceasedrapidlytobeinanysenseladylike，andbecamevigorousandeffective；astrandofblackhairthathadescapeditshairpinscameathwartRamage’seyes，andthentheknucklesofasmallbutveryhardlyclinchedfisthadthrustitselfwithextremeeffectivenessandpainfulnessunderhisjawboneandear。
\"Letgo！\"saidAnnVeronica，throughherteeth，strenuouslyinflictingagony，andhecriedoutsharplyandletgoandrecededapace。
\"NOW！\"saidAnnVeronica。\"Whydidyoudaretodothat？\"
Part3
Eachofthemstaredattheother，setinauniversethathadchangeditssystemofvalueswithkaleidoscopiccompleteness。
Shewasflushed，andhereyeswerebrightandangry；herbreathcamesobbing，andherhairwasallabroadinwanderingstrandsofblack。Hetoowasflushedandruffled；onesideofhiscollarhadslippedfromitsstudandheheldahandtothecornerofhisjaw。
\"Youvixen！\"saidMr。Ramage，speakingthesimplestfirstthoughtofhisheart。
\"Youhadnoright——\"pantedAnnVeronica。
\"Whyonearth，\"heasked，\"didyouhurtmelikethat？\"
AnnVeronicadidherbesttothinkshehadnotdeliberatelyattemptedtocausehimpain。Sheignoredhisquestion。
\"Ineverdreamt！\"shesaid。
\"Whatonearthdidyouexpectmetodo，then？\"heasked。
Part4
Interpretationcamepouringdownuponheralmostblindingly；sheunderstoodnowtheroom，thewaiter，thewholesituation。Sheunderstood。Sheleapedtoaworldofshabbyknowledge，offurtivebaserealizations。Shewantedtocryoutuponherselffortheuttermostfoolinexistence。
\"Ithoughtyouwantedtohaveatalktome，\"shesaid。
\"Iwantedtomakelovetoyou。
\"Youknewit，\"headded，inhermomentarysilence。
\"Yousaidyouwereinlovewithme，\"saidAnnVeronica；\"Iwantedtoexplain——\"
\"IsaidIlovedandwantedyou。\"Thebrutalityofhisfirstastonishmentwasevaporating。\"Iaminlovewithyou。YouknowIaminlovewithyou。Andthenyougo——andhalfthrottleme……Ibelieveyou’vecrushedaglandorsomething。Itfeelslikeit。\"
\"Iamsorry，\"saidAnnVeronica。\"WhatelsewasItodo？\"
Forsomesecondsshestoodwatchinghim。andbothwerethinkingveryquickly。Herstateofmindwouldhaveseemedaltogetherdiscreditabletohergrandmother。Sheoughttohavebeendisposedtofaintandscreamatallthesehappenings；sheoughttohavemaintainedafrontofoutrageddignitytoveilthesinkingofherheart。Iwouldliketohavetotellitso。Butindeedthatisnotatallagooddescriptionofherattitude。Shewasanindignantqueen，nodoubtshewasalarmedanddisgustedwithinlimits；butshewashighlyexcited，andtherewassomething，somelowadventurousstraininherbeing，someelement，subtleatleastifbase，goingabouttheriotingwaysandcrowdedinsurgentmeeting-placesofherminddeclaringthatthewholeaffairwasafterall——theyaretheonlywordsthatexpressit——averygreatlarkindeed。AtthebottomofherheartshewasnotabitafraidofRamage。Shehadunaccountablegleamsofsympathywithandlikingforhim。Andthegrotesquestfactwasthatshedidnotsomuchloathe，asexperiencewithaquitecriticalcondemnationthisstrangesensationofbeingkissed。Neverbeforehadanyhumanbeingkissedherlips……
Itwasonlysomehoursafterthattheseambiguouselementsevaporatedandvanishedandloathingcame，andshereallybegantobethoroughlysickandashamedofthewholedisgracefulquarrelandscuffle。
He，forhispart，wastryingtograsptheseriesofunexpectedreactionsthathadsowreckedtheirtete-a-tete。Hehadmeanttobemasterofhisfatethateveningandithadescapedhimaltogether。Ithad，asitwere，blownupattheconcussionofhisfirststep。ItdawneduponhimthathehadbeenabominablyusedbyAnnVeronica。
\"Lookhere，\"hesaid，\"Ibroughtyouheretomakelovetoyou。\"
\"Ididn’tunderstand——yourideaofmakinglove。Youhadbetterletmegoagain。\"
\"Notyet，\"hesaid。\"Idoloveyou。Iloveyouallthemoreforthestreakofsheerdevilinyou……Youarethemostbeautiful，themostdesirablethingIhaveevermetinthisworld。Itwasgoodtokissyou，evenattheprice。But，byJove！youarefierce！YouarelikethoseRomanwomenwhocarrystilettosintheirhair。\"
\"Icameheretotalkreasonably，Mr。Ramage。Itisabominable——\"
\"Whatistheuseofkeepingupthisnoteofindignation，AnnVeronica？HereIam！Iamyourlover，burningforyou。Imeantohaveyou！Don’tfrownmeoffnow。Don’tgobackintoVictorianrespectabilityandpretendyoudon’tknowandyoucan’tthinkandalltherestofit。Onecomesatlasttothestepfromdreamstoreality。Thisisyourmoment。NoonewilleverloveyouasIloveyounow。Ihavebeendreamingofyourbodyandyounightafternight。Ihavebeenimaging——\"
\"Mr。Ramage，Icamehere——Ididn’tsupposeforonemomentyouwoulddare——\"
\"Nonsense！Thatisyourmistake！Youaretoointellectual。Youwanttodoeverythingwithyourmind。Youareafraidofkisses。
Youareafraidofthewarmthinyourblood。It’sjustbecauseallthatsideofyourlifehasn’tfairlybegun。\"
Hemadeasteptowardher。
\"Mr。Ramage，\"shesaid，sharply，\"Ihavetomakeitplaintoyou。
Idon’tthinkyouunderstand。Idon’tloveyou。Idon’t。I
can’tloveyou。Ilovesomeoneelse。Itisrepulsive。Itdisgustsmethatyoushouldtouchme。\"
Hestaredinamazementatthisnewaspectofthesituation。\"Youlovesomeoneelse？\"herepeated。
\"Ilovesomeoneelse。Icouldnotdreamoflovingyou。\"
Andthenheflashedhiswholeconceptionoftherelationsofmenandwomenuponherinoneastonishingquestion。Hishandwentwithanalmostinstinctiveinquirytohisjawboneagain。\"Thenwhythedevil，\"hedemanded，\"doyouletmestandyoudinnersandtheopera——andwhydoyoucometoacabinetparticulierwithme？\"
Hebecameradiantwithanger。\"Youmeantotellme\"hesaid，\"thatyouhavealover？WhileIhavebeenkeepingyou！
Yes——keepingyou！\"
Thisviewoflifehehurledatherasifitwereanoffensivemissile。Itstunnedher。Shefeltshemustflybeforeitandcouldnolongerdoso。Shedidnotthinkforonemomentwhatinterpretationhemightputupontheword\"lover。\"
\"Mr。Ramage，\"shesaid，clingingtoheronepoint，\"Iwanttogetoutofthishorriblelittleroom。Ithasallbeenamistake。I
havebeenstupidandfoolish。Willyouunlockthatdoor？\"
\"Never！\"hesaid。\"Confoundyourlover！Lookhere！DoyoureallythinkIamgoingtorunyouwhilehemakeslovetoyou？
Nofear！Ineverheardofanythingsocool。Ifhewantsyou，lethimgetyou。You’remine。I’vepaidforyouandhelpedyou，andI’mgoingtoconqueryousomehow——ifIhavetobreakyoutodoit。Hithertoyou’veseenonlymyeasy，kindlyside。Butnowconfoundit！howcanyoupreventit？Iwillkissyou。\"
\"Youwon’t！\"saidAnnVeronica；withtheclearestnoteofdetermination。
Heseemedtobeabouttomovetowardher。Shesteppedbackquickly，andherhandknockedawine-glassfromthetabletosmashnoisilyonthefloor。Shecaughtattheidea。\"Ifyoucomeastepnearertome，\"shesaid，\"Iwillsmasheveryglassonthistable。\"
\"Then，byGod！\"hesaid，\"you’llbelockedup！\"
AnnVeronicawasdisconcertedforamoment。Shehadavisionofpolicemen，reprovingmagistrates，acrowdedcourt，publicdisgrace。Shesawherauntintears，herfatherwhite-facedandhardhit。\"Don’tcomenearer！\"shesaid。
Therewasadiscreetknockingatthedoor，andRamage’sfacechanged。
\"No，\"shesaid，underherbreath，\"youcan’tfaceit。\"Andsheknewthatshewassafe。
Hewenttothedoor。\"It’sallright，\"hesaid，reassuringlytotheinquirerwithout。
AnnVeronicaglancedatthemirrortodiscoveraflushedanddishevelleddisorder。Shebeganatonceahastyreadjustmentofherhair，whileRamageparleyedwithinaudibleinterrogations。
\"Aglassslippedfromthetable，\"heexplained……\"Non。Fasdutout。Non……Niente……Bitte！……Oui，danslanote……Presently。Presently。\"Thatconversationendedandheturnedtoheragain。
\"Iamgoing，\"shesaidgrimly，withthreehairpinsinhermouth。
Shetookherhatfromthepeginthecornerandbegantoputiton。Heregardedthatperennialmiracleofpinningwithwrathfuleyes。
\"Lookhere，AnnVeronica，\"hebegan。\"Iwantaplainwordwithyouaboutallthis。Doyoumeantotellmeyoudidn’tunderstandwhyIwantedyoutocomehere？\"
\"Notabitofit，\"saidAnnVeronicastoutly。
\"Youdidn’texpectthatIshouldkissyou？\"
\"HowwasItoknowthatamanwould——wouldthinkitwaspossible——whentherewasnothing——nolove？\"
\"HowdidIknowtherewasn’tlove？\"
Thatsilencedherforamoment。\"Andwhatonearth，\"hesaid，\"doyouthinktheworldismadeof？WhydoyouthinkIhavebeendoingthingsforyou？Theabstractpleasureofgoodness？Areyouoneofthemembersofthatgreatwhitesisterhoodthattakesanddoesnotgive？Thegoodacceptingwoman！Doyoureallysupposeagirlisentitledtoliveatfreequartersonanymanshemeetswithoutgivinganyreturn？\"
\"Ithought，\"saidAnnVeronica，\"youweremyfriend。\"
\"Friend！Whathaveamanandagirlincommontomakethemfriends？Askthatloverofyours！Andevenwithfriends，wouldyouhaveitallGiveononesideandallTakeontheother？……
DoesHEknowIkeepyou？……Youwon’thaveaman’slipsnearyou，butyou’lleatoutofhishandfastenough。\"
AnnVeronicawasstungtohelplessanger。
\"Mr。Ramage，\"shecried，\"youareoutrageous！Youunderstandnothing。Youare——horrible。Willyouletmegooutofthisroom？\"
\"No，\"criedRamage；\"hearmeout！I’llhavethatsatisfaction，anyhow。Youwomen，withyourtricksofevasion，you’reasexofswindlers。Youhavealltheinstinctivedexterityofparasites。
Youmakeyourselfcharmingforhelp。Youclimbbydisappointingmen。Thisloverofyours——\"
\"Hedoesn’tknow！\"criedAnnVeronica。
\"Well，youknow。\"
AnnVeronicacouldhaveweptwithvexation。Indeed，anoteofweepingbrokehervoiceforamomentassheburstout，\"YouknowaswellasIdothatmoneywasaloan！\"
\"Loan！\"
\"Youyourselfcalleditaloan！\"
\"Euphuism。Webothunderstoodthat。\"
\"Youshallhaveeverypennyofitback。\"
\"I’llframeit——whenIgetit。\"
\"I’llpayyouifIhavetoworkatshirt-makingatthreepenceanhour。\"
\"You’llneverpayme。Youthinkyouwill。It’syourwayofglossingovertheethicalposition。It’sthesortofwayawomanalwaysdoesglossoverherethicalpositions。You’realldependents——allofyou。Byinstinct。Onlyyougoodones——shirk。
Youshirkastraightforwardanddecentreturnforwhatyougetfromus——takingrefugeinpurityanddelicacyandsuch-likewhenitcomestopayment。\"
\"Mr。Ramage，\"saidAnnVeronica，\"Iwanttogo——NOW！\"
Part5
Butshedidnotgetawayjustthen。
Ramage’sbitternesspassedasabruptlyashisaggression。\"Oh，AnnVeronica！\"hecried，\"Icannotletyougolikethis！Youdon’tunderstand。Youcan’tpossiblyunderstand！\"
Hebeganaconfusedexplanation，aperplexingcontradictoryapologyforhisurgencyandwrath。HelovedAnnVeronica，hesaid；hewassomadtohaveherthathedefeatedhimself，anddidcrudeandalarmingandsenselessthings。Hisviciousabusivenessvanished。Hesuddenlybecameeloquentandplausible。Hedidmakeherperceivesomethingoftheacute，tormentingdesireforherthathadariseninhimandpossessedhim。Shestood，asitwere，directeddoorward，withhereyeswatchingeverymovement，listeningtohim，repelledbyhimandyetdimlyunderstanding。
Atanyratehemadeitveryclearthatnightthattherewasanineradicablediscordinlife，ajarringsomethingthatmustshatterallherdreamsofawayoflivingforwomenthatwouldenablethemtobefreeandspaciousandfriendlywithmen，andthatwasthepassionatepredispositionofmentobelievethattheloveofwomencanbeearnedandwonandcontrolledandcompelled。
Heflungasideallhistalkofhelpanddisinterestedfriendshipasthoughithadneverbeenevenadisguisebetweenthem，asthoughfromthefirstitwasnomorethanafancydresstheyhadputquiteunderstandinglyupontheirrelationship。Hehadsetouttowinher，andshehadlethimstart。Andatthethoughtofthatotherlover——hewasconvincedthatthatbelovedpersonwasalover，andshefoundherselfunabletosayawordtoexplaintohimthatthisotherperson，thepersonsheloved，didnotevenknowofherlove——Ramagegrewangryandsavageoncemore，andreturnedsuddenlytogibeandinsult。Mendoservicesfortheloveofwomen，andthewomanwhotakesmustpay。Suchwasthesimplecodethatdisplayeditselfinallhisthoughts。Heleftthataridruleclearoftheleastmistofrefinementordelicacy。
Thatheshouldpayfortypoundstohelpthisgirlwhopreferredanothermanwasnolessinhiseyesthanafraudandmockerythatmadeherdenialamaddeningandoutrageousdisgracetohim。Andthisthoughhewasevidentlypassionatelyinlovewithher。
Forawhilehethreatenedher。\"Youhaveputallyourlifeinmyhands，\"hedeclared。\"Thinkofthatcheckyouendorsed。Thereitis——againstyou。Idefyyoutoexplainitaway。Whatdoyouthinkpeoplewillmakeofthat？Whatwillthisloverofyoursmakeofthat？\"
AtintervalsAnnVeronicademandedtogo，declaringherundyingresolvetorepayhimatanycost，andmadeshortmovementsdoorward。
Butatlastthisordealwasover，andRamageopenedthedoor。
Sheemergedwithawhitefaceandwide-openeyesuponalittle，red-litlanding。Shewentpastthreekeenlyobservantandostentatiouslypreoccupiedwaitersdownthethick-carpetedstaircaseandoutoftheHotelRococo，thatremarkablelaboratoryofrelationships，pastatallporterinblueandcrimson，intoacool，clearnight。
Part6
WhenAnnVeronicareachedherlittlebed-sitting-roomagain，everynerveinherbodywasquiveringwithshameandself-disgust。
Shethrewhatandcoatonthebedandsatdownbeforethefire。
\"Andnow，\"shesaid，splinteringthesurvivingpieceofcoalintoindignantflame-spurtingfragmentswithonedexterousblow，\"whatamItodo？
\"I’minahole！——messisabetterword，expressesitbetter。
I’minamess——anastymess！afilthymess！Oh，noendofamess！
Doyouhear，AnnVeronica？——you’reinanasty，filthy，unforgivablemess！
\"Haven’tIjustmadeasillymessofthings？
\"Fortypounds！Ihaven’tgottwenty！\"
Shegotup，stampedwithherfoot，andthen，suddenlyrememberingthelodgerbelow，satdownandwrenchedoffherboots。
\"Thisiswhatcomesofbeingayoungwomanuptodate。ByJove！
I’mbeginningtohavemydoubtsaboutfreedom！
\"Yousillyyoungwoman，AnnVeronica！Yousillyyoungwoman！
Thesmearinessofthething！
\"Thesmearinessofthissortofthing！……Mauledabout！\"
Shefelltorubbingherinsultedlipssavagelywiththebackofherhand。\"Ugh！\"shesaid。
\"TheyoungwomenofJaneAusten’stimedidn’tgetintothissortofscrape！Atleast——onethinksso……Iwonderifsomeofthemdid——anditdidn’tgetreported。AuntJanehadherquietmoments。Mostofthemdidn’t，anyhow。Theywereproperlybroughtup，andsatstillandstraight，andtooktheluckfatebroughtthemasgentlewomenshould。Andtheyhadanideaofwhatmenwerelikebehindalltheirnicety。TheyknewtheywereallBogeyindisguise。Ididn’t！Ididn’t！Afterall——\"
Foratimehermindranondaintinessanditsdefensiverestraintsasthoughitwastheonedesirablething。Thatworldoffineprintedcambricsandescortedmaidens，ofdelicatesecondarymeaningsandrefinedallusiveness，presenteditselftoherimaginationwiththebrightnessofalostparadise，asindeedformanywomenitisalostparadise。
\"Iwonderifthereisanythingwrongwithmymanners，\"shesaid。
\"IwonderifI’vebeenproperlybroughtup。IfIhadbeenquitequietandwhiteanddignified，wouldn’tithavebeendifferent？
Wouldhehavedared？……\"
ForsomecreditablemomentsinherlifeAnnVeronicawasutterlydisgustedwithherself；shewaswrungwithapassionateandbelateddesiretomovegently，tospeaksoftlyandambiguously——tobe，ineffect，prim。
Horribledetailsrecurredtoher。
\"Why，amongotherthings，didIputmyknucklesinhisneck——deliberatelytohurthim？\"
Shetriedtosoundthehumorousnote。
\"Areyouaware，AnnVeronica，younearlythrottledthatgentleman？\"
Thenshereviledherownfoolishwayofputtingit。
\"Youassandimbecile，AnnVeronica！Youfemalecad！Cad！Cad！……Whyaren’tyoufoldedupcleaninlavender——aseveryyoungwomanoughttobe？Whathaveyoubeendoingwithyourself？……\"
Sherakedintothefirewiththepoker。
\"Allofwhichdoesn’thelpmeintheslightestdegreetopaybackthatmoney。\"
ThatnightwasthemostintolerableonethatAnnVeronicahadeverspent。Shewashedherfacewithunwontedelaborationbeforeshewenttobed。Thistime，therewasnodoubt，shedidnotsleep。Themoreshedisentangledthelinesofhersituationthedeepergrewherself-disgust。Occasionallythemerefactoflyinginbedbecameunendurable，andsherolledoutandmarchedaboutherroomandwhisperedabuseofherself——usuallyuntilshehitagainstsomearticleoffurniture。
Thenshewouldhavequiettimes，inwhichshewouldsaytoherself，\"Nowlookhere！Letmethinkitallout！\"
Forthefirsttime，itseemedtoher，shefacedthefactsofawoman’spositionintheworld——themeagrerealitiesofsuchfreedomasitpermittedher，thealmostunavoidableobligationtosomeindividualmanunderwhichshemustlaborforevenafootholdintheworld。Shehadflungawayfromherfather’ssupportwiththefinestassumptionofpersonalindependence。Andhereshewas——inamessbecauseithadbeenimpossibleforhertoavoidleaninguponanotherman。Shehadthought——Whathadshethought？Thatthisdependenceofwomenwasbutanillusionwhichneededonlytobedeniedtovanish。Shehaddenieditwithvigor，andhereshewas！
Shedidnotsomuchexhaustthisgeneralquestionaspassfromittoherinsolubleindividualproblemagain:\"WhatamItodo？\"
ShewantedfirstofalltoflingthefortypoundsbackintoRamage’sface。Butshehadspentnearlyhalfofit，andhadnoconceptionofhowsuchasumcouldbemadegoodagain。Shethoughtofallsortsofoddanddesperateexpedients，andwithpassionatepetulancerejectedthemall。
Shetookrefugeinbeatingherpillowandinventinginsultingepithetsforherself。Shegotup，drewupherblind，andstaredoutofwindowatadawn-coldvisionofchimneysforatime，andthenwentandsatontheedgeofherbed。Whatwasthealternativetogoinghome？Noalternativeappearedinthatdarkness。
Itseemedintolerablethatsheshouldgohomeandadmitherselfbeaten。ShedidmosturgentlydesiretosaveherfaceinMorningsidePark，andforlonghoursshecouldthinkofnowayofputtingitthatwouldnotbeinthenatureofunconditionaladmissionofdefeat。
\"I’drathergoasachorus-girl，\"shesaid。
Shewasnotveryclearaboutthepositionanddutiesofachorus-girl，butitcertainlyhadtheairofbeingalastdesperateresort。Theresprangfromthatavaguehopethatperhapsshemightextortacapitulationfromherfatherbyathreattoseekthatposition，andthenwithoverwhelmingclearnessitcametoherthatwhateverhappenedshewouldneverbeabletotellherfatheraboutherdebt。Thecompletestcapitulationwouldnotwipeoutthattrouble。Andshefeltthatifshewenthomeitwasimperativetopay。ShewouldalwaysbegoingtoandfrouptheAvenue，gettingglimpsesofRamage，seeinghimintrains……
Foratimeshepromenadedtheroom。
\"WhydidIevertakethatloan？Anidiotgirlinanasylumwouldhaveknownbetterthanthat！
\"Vulgarityofsoulandinnocenceofmind——theworstofallconceivablecombinations。IwishsomeonewouldkillRamagebyaccident！……
\"Butthentheywouldfindthatcheckendorsedinhisbureau……
\"Iwonderwhathewilldo？\"ShetriedtoimaginesituationsthatmightariseoutofRamage’santagonism，forhehadbeensobitterandsavagethatshecouldnotbelievethathewouldleavethingsastheywere。
Thenextmorningshewentoutwithherpost-officesavingsbank-book，andtelegraphedforawarranttodrawoutallthemoneyshehadintheworld。Itamountedtotwo-and-twentypounds。SheaddressedanenvelopetoRamage，andscrawledonahalf-sheetofpaper，\"Therestshallfollow。\"Themoneywouldbeavailableintheafternoon，andshewouldsendhimfourfive-
poundnotes。Therestshemeanttokeepforherimmediatenecessities。Alittlerelievedbythissteptowardreinstatement，shewentontotheImperialCollegetoforgethermuddleofproblemsforatime，ifshecould，inthepresenceofCapes。
Part7
Foratimethebiologicallaboratorywasfullofhealingvirtue。
Hersleeplessnighthadleftherlanguidbutnotstupefied，andforanhourorsotheworkdistractedheraltogetherfromhertroubles。
Then，afterCapeshadbeenthroughherworkandhadgoneon，itcametoherthatthefabricofthislifeofherswasdoomedtoalmostimmediatecollapse；thatinalittlewhilethesestudieswouldcease，andperhapsshewouldneverseteyesonhimagain。
Afterthatconsolationsfled。
Theovernightnervousstrainbegantotell；shebecameinattentivetotheworkbeforeher，anditdidnotgeton。Shefeltsleepyandunusuallyirritable。ShelunchedatacreameryinGreatPortlandStreet，andasthedaywasfullofwintrysunshine，spenttherestofthelunch-hourinadrowsygloom，whichsheimaginedtobethoughtupontheproblemsofherposition，onaseatinRegent’sPark。Agirloffifteenorsixteengaveherahandbillthatsheregardedasatractuntilshesaw\"VotesforWomen\"atthetop。Thatturnedhermindtothemoregeneralizedaspectsofherperplexitiesagain。Shehadneverbeensodisposedtoagreethatthepositionofwomeninthemodernworldisintolerable。
Capesjoinedthestudentsattea，anddisplayedhimselfinanimpishmoodthatsometimespossessedhim。HedidnotnoticethatAnnVeronicawaspreoccupiedandheavy-eyed。MissKleggraisedthequestionofwomen’ssuffrage，andhesethimselftoprovokeaduelbetweenherandMissGarvice。TheyouthwiththehairbrushedbackandthespectacledScotchmanjoinedinthefrayforandagainstthewomen’svote。
EverandagainCapesappealedtoAnnVeronica。Helikedtodrawherin，andshedidherbesttotalk。Butshedidnottalkreadily，andinordertosaysomethingsheplungedalittle，andfeltsheplunged。Capesscoredbackwithanuncompromisingvigorthatwashiswayofcomplimentingherintelligence。Butthisafternoonitdiscoveredanunusualveinofirritabilityinher。
HehadbeenreadingBelfortBax，anddeclaredhimselfaconvert。
Hecontrastedthelotofwomeningeneralwiththelotofmen，presentedmenaspatient，self-immolatingmartyrs，andwomenasthepamperedfavoritesofNature。Aveinofconvictionmingledwithhisburlesque。
ForatimeheandMissKleggcontradictedoneanother。
Thequestionceasedtobeatea-tabletalk，andbecamesuddenlytragicallyrealforAnnVeronica。Therehesat，cheerfullyfriendlyinhissex’sfreedom——themansheloved，theonemanshecaredshouldunlockthewaytothewideworldforherimprisonedfemininepossibilities，andheseemedregardlessthatshestifledunderhiseyes；hemadeajestofallthispassionateinsurgenceofthesoulsofwomenagainstthefateoftheirconditions。
MissGarvicerepeatedagain，andalmostinthesamewordssheusedateverydiscussion，hercontributiontothegreatquestion。
Shethoughtthatwomenwerenotmadeforthestruggleandturmoiloflife——theirplacewasthelittleworld，thehome；thattheirpowerlaynotinvotesbutininfluenceovermenandinmakingthemindsoftheirchildrenfineandsplendid。
\"Womenshouldunderstandmen’saffairs，perhaps，\"saidMissGarvice，\"buttomingleinthemisjusttosacrificethatpowerofinfluencingtheycanexercisenow。\"
\"ThereISsomethingsoundinthatposition，\"saidCapes，interveningasiftodefendMissGarviceagainstapossibleattackfromAnnVeronica。\"Itmaynotbejustandsoforth，but，afterall，itishowthingsare。Womenarenotintheworldinthesamesensethatmenare——fightingindividualsinascramble。
Idon’tseehowtheycanbe。Everyhomeisalittlerecess，aniche，outoftheworldofbusinessandcompetition，inwhichwomenandthefutureshelter。\"
\"Alittlepit！\"saidAnnVeronica；\"alittleprison！\"
\"It’sjustasoftenalittlerefuge。Anyhow，thatishowthingsare。\"
\"Andthemanstandsasthemasteratthemouthoftheden。\"
\"Assentinel。Youforgetallthemassoftrainingandtraditionandinstinctthatgotomakehimatolerablemaster。Natureisamother；hersympathieshavealwaysbeenfeminist，andshehastemperedthemantotheshornwoman。\"
\"Iwish，\"saidAnnVeronica，withsuddenanger，\"thatyoucouldknowwhatitistoliveinapit！\"
Shestoodupasshespoke，andputdownhercupbesideMissGarvice’s。SheaddressedCapesasthoughshespoketohimalone。
\"Ican’tendureit，\"shesaid。
Everyoneturnedtoherinastonishment。
Shefeltshehadtogoon。\"Nomancanrealize，\"shesaid，\"whatthatpitcanbe。Theway——thewayweareledon！Wearetaughttobelievewearefreeintheworld，tothinkwearequeens……Thenwefindout。Wefindoutnomanwilltreatawomanfairlyasmantoman——noman。Hewantsyou——orhedoesn’t；andthenhehelpssomeotherwomanagainstyou……Whatyousayisprobablyalltrueandnecessary……Butthinkofthedisillusionment！Exceptforoursexwehavemindslikemen，desireslikemen。Wecomeoutintotheworld，someofus——\"
Shepaused。Herwords，asshesaidthem，seemedtohertomeannothing，andtherewassomuchthatstruggledforexpression。
\"Womenaremocked，\"shesaid。\"Whenevertheytrytotakeholdoflifeamanintervenes。\"
Shefelt，withasuddenhorror，thatshemightweep。Shewishedshehadnotstoodup。Shewonderedwildlywhyshehadstoodup。
Noonespoke，andshewasimpelledtoflounderon。\"Thinkofthemockery！\"shesaid。\"Thinkhowdumbwefindourselvesandstifled！Iknowweseemtohaveasortoffreedom……Haveyouevertriedtorunandjumpinpetticoats，Mr。Capes？Well，thinkwhatitmustbetoliveinthem——soulandmindandbody！
It’sfunforamantojestatourposition。\"
\"Iwasn’tjesting，\"saidCapes，abruptly。
Shestoodfacetofacewithhim，andhisvoicecutacrossherspeechandmadeherstopabruptly。Shewassoreandoverstrung，anditwasintolerabletoherthatheshouldstandwithinthreeyardsofherunsuspectingly，withanincalculablyvastpoweroverherhappiness。Shewassorewiththeperplexitiesofherpreposterousposition。Shewassickofherself，ofherlife，ofeverythingbuthim；andforhimallhermaskedandhiddenbeingwascryingout。
Shestoppedabruptlyatthesoundofhisvoice，andlostthethreadofwhatshewassaying。Inthepausesherealizedtheattentionoftheothersconvergeduponher，andthatthetearswerebrimmingoverhereyes。Shefeltastormofemotionsurgingupwithinher。ShebecameawareoftheScotchstudentregardingherwithstupendousamazement，atea-cuppoisedinonehairyhandandhisfacetedglassesshowingavariousenlargementofsegmentsofhiseye。
Thedoorintothepassageoffereditselfwithanirresistibleinvitation——theonealternativetoapublic，inexplicablepassionofweeping。
Capesflashedtoanunderstandingofherintention，sprangtohisfeet，andopenedthedoorforherretreat。
Part8
\"WhyshouldIevercomeback？\"shesaidtoherself，asshewentdownthestaircase。
Shewenttothepost-officeanddrewoutandsentoffhermoneytoRamage。Andthenshecameoutintothestreet，sureonlyofonething——thatshecouldnotreturndirectlytoherlodgings。
Shewantedair——andthedistractionofhavingmovingandchangingthingsabouther。Theeveningswerebeginningtodrawout，anditwouldnotbedarkforanhour。SheresolvedtowalkacrosstheParktotheZoologicalgardens，andsoonbywayofPrimroseHilltoHampsteadHeath。Thereshewouldwanderaboutinthekindlydarkness。Andthinkthingsout……
Presentlyshebecameawareoffootstepshurryingafterher，andglancedbacktofindMissKlegg，alittleoutofbreath，inpursuit。
AnnVeronicahaltedapace，andMissKleggcamealongside。
\"DoYOUgoacrossthePark？\"
\"Notusually。ButI’mgoingto-day。Iwantawalk。\"
\"I’mnotsurprisedatit。IthoughtMr。Capesmosttrying。\"
\"Oh，itwasn’tthat。I’vehadaheadacheallday。\"
\"IthoughtMr。Capesmostunfair，\"MissKleggwentoninasmall，evenvoice；\"MOSTunfair！I’mgladyouspokeoutasyoudid。\"
\"Ididn’tmindthatlittleargument。\"
\"Yougaveithimwell。Whatyousaidwantedsaying。Afteryouwenthegotupandtookrefugeinthepreparation-room。Orelse_I_wouldhavefinishedhim。\"
AnnVeronicasaidnothing，andMissKleggwenton:\"HeveryoftenIS——mostunfair。Hehasawayofsittingonpeople。Hewouldn’tlikeitifpeopledidittohim。Hejumpsthewordsoutofyourmouth；hetakesholdofwhatyouhavetosaybeforeyouhavehadtimetoexpressitproperly。\"
Pause。
\"Isupposehe’sfrightfullyclever，\"saidMissKlegg。
\"He’saFellowoftheRoyalSociety，andhecan’tbemuchoverthirty，\"saidMissKlegg。
\"Hewritesverywell，\"saidAnnVeronica。
\"Hecan’tbemorethanthirty。Hemusthavemarriedwhenhewasquiteayoungman。\"
\"Married？\"saidAnnVeronica。
\"Didn’tyouknowhewasmarried？\"askedMissKlegg，andwasstruckbyathoughtthatmadeherglancequicklyathercompanion。
AnnVeronicahadnoanswerforamoment。Sheturnedherheadawaysharply。Someautomatonwithinherproducedinaquiteunfamiliarvoicetheremark，\"They’replayingfootball。\"
\"It’stoofarfortheballtoreachus，\"saidMissKlegg。
\"Ididn’tknowMr。Capeswasmarried，\"saidAnnVeronica，resumingtheconversationwithanentiredisappearanceofherformerlassitude。
\"Ohyes，\"saidMissKlegg；\"Ithoughteveryoneknew。\"
\"No，\"saidAnnVeronica，offhandedly。\"Neverheardanythingofit。\"
\"Ithoughteveryoneknew。Ithoughteveryonehadheardaboutit。\"
\"Butwhy？\"
\"He’smarried——and，Ibelieve，livingseparatedfromhiswife。
Therewasacase，orsomething，someyearsago。\"
\"Whatcase？\"
\"Adivorce——orsomething——Idon’tknow。ButIhaveheardthathealmosthadtoleavetheschools。Ifithadn’tbeenforProfessorRussellstandingupforhim，theysayhewouldhavehadtoleave。\"
\"Washedivorced，doyoumean？\"
\"No，buthegothimselfmixedupinadivorcecase。Iforgettheparticulars，butIknowitwassomethingverydisagreeable。Itwasamongartisticpeople。\"
AnnVeronicawassilentforawhile。
\"Ithoughteveryonehadheard，\"saidMissKlegg。\"OrIwouldn’thavesaidanythingaboutit。\"
\"Isupposeallmen，\"saidAnnVeronica，inatoneofdetachedcriticism，\"getsomesuchentanglement。And，anyhow，itdoesn’tmattertous。\"Sheturnedabruptlyatrightanglestothepaththeyfollowed。\"ThisismywaybacktomysideofthePark，\"shesaid。
\"IthoughtyouwerecomingrightacrossthePark。\"
\"Ohno，\"saidAnnVeronica；\"Ihavesomeworktodo。Ijustwantedabreathofair。Andthey’llshutthegatespresently。
It’snotfarfromtwilight。\"