”TherewasagreatbusselanddistubbansintheHallinIllStreet:whichIetribyoutedtotheeproachingevent。TheoldporterstaredmeostuncommonwhenIkemin——thefootmanwhowastoenouncemelaftIthought——Iwasgoingupstairs——”’Herladyship’snot——notatHOME，’saystheman；’andmylady’shillinbed。’”’Gitlunch，’saysI，’I’llwaittillLadyHangelinareturns。’”Atthisthefellerlooxatmeforamomintwithhischeexblownoutlikeabladder，andthenbustsoutinareglarguffau！theporterjinedinit，theimpidentoldraskle:andThomassays，slappinghisandonhisthy，withouttheleastrespect——Isay，Huffy，oldboy！ISN’Tthisagoodun？’”’Wadyermean，youinfunnlescoundrel，’saysI，’hollaringandlaffingatme？’”’Oh，here’sMissMaryHanncomingup，’saysThomas，’askHER’——andindeedtherecamemylittleMaryHanntrippingdownthestairs——her&sinherpockits；andwhenshesawme，SHEbegantoblushandlookhod&thentogrintoo。”’InthenameofImperence，’saysI，rushingonThomas，andcollaringhimfittothrottlehim——’noraskleofaflunkyshallinsultME，’andIsenthimstaggerinupaginsttheporter，andbothof’emintothehall-chairwithaflopp——whenMaryHann，jumpingdown，says，’OJames！OMr。Plush！readthis’——andshepulledoutabillydoo。”Ireckanizedtheand-writingofHangelina。””DeseatfulHangelina’sbillyranasfollows:——”’Ihadallalonghopedthatyouwouldhaverelinquishedpretensionswhichyoumusthaveseenweresodisagreeabletome；
andhavesparedmethepainfulnecessityofthestepwhichIamcompelledtotake。ForalongtimeIcouldnotbelievemyparentswereseriousinwishingtosacrificeme，buthaveinvainentreatedthemtospareme。Icannotundergotheshameandmiseryofaunionwithyou。TotheverylasthourIremonstratedinvain，andonlynowanticipatebyafewhours，mydeparturefromahomefromwhichtheythemselveswereabouttoexpelme。”’Whenyoureceivethis，Ishallbeunitedtothepersontowhom，asyouareaware，myheartwasgivenlongago。MyparentsarealreadyinformedofthestepIhavetaken。AndIhavemyownhonortoconsult，evenbeforetheirbenefit:theywillforgiveme，Ihopeandfeel，beforelong。”’Asforyourself，mayInothopethattimewillcalmyourexquisitefeelingstoo？IleaveMaryAnnbehindmetoconsoleyou。
Sheadmiresyouasyoudeservetobeadmired，andwithaconstancywhichIentreatyoutotryandimitate。Do，mydearMr。Plush，try——forthesakeofyoursincerefriendandadmirer，A。”’P。S。Ileavethewedding-dressesbehindforher:thediamondsarebeautiful，andwillbecomeMrs。Plushadmirably。’”Thiswashall！——Confewshn！Andtherestoodthefootmensniggerin，andthathojusMaryHannhalfacryin，halfalaffingatme！’Whohasshegonehoffwith？’rorsI；andMaryHannsmilingwithonehijusttouchedthetopofoneoftheJohns’caneswhowasgoinoutwiththenoatstoputhoffthebrekfst。ItwasSilvertopthen！”Ibustoutofthehouseinastaytofdiamoniacaligsitement！”ThestoaryofthatilorpmintIhavenoarttotell。HereitisfromtheMorningTatlernewspaper:——”ELOPEMENTINHIGHLIFE。”THEONLYAUTHENTICACCOUNT。”TheneighborhoodofBerkeleySquare，andthewholefashionableworld，hasbeenthrownintoastateofthemostpainfulexcitementbyaneventwhichhasjustplacedanoblefamilyingreatperplexityandaffliction。”IthaslongbeenknownamongtheselectnobilityandgentrythatamarriagewasonthetapisbetweentheonlydaughterofaNobleEarl，andaGentlemanwhoserapidfortunesintherailwayworldhavebeenthethemeofgeneralremark。Yesterday’spaper，itwassupposed，inallhumanprobabilitywouldhavecontainedanaccountofthemarriageofJamesDelaPl-che，Esq。，andtheLadyAngelina——，daughteroftheRighthonorabletheEarlofB-re-cres。Thepreparationsforthisceremonywerecomplete:wehadthepleasureofinspectingtherichtrousseaupreparedbyMissTwiddler，ofPallMall；themagnificentjewelsfromtheestablishmentofMessrs。StorrandMortimer；theelegantmarriagecake，which，alreadycutupandportioned，is，alas！notdestinedtobeeatenbythefriendsofMr。DelaPl-che；thesuperbcarriages，andmagnificentliveries，whichhadbeenprovidedinastyleofthemostlavishyettastefulsumptuosity。TheRightReverendtheLordBishopofBullocksmithyhadarrivedintowntocelebratethenuptials，andisstayingatMivart’s。Whatmusthavebeenthefeelingsofthatvenerableprelate，whatthoseoftheagonizedandnobleparentsoftheLadyAngelina——whenitwasdiscovered，onthedayprevioustothewedding，thatherLadyshiphadfledthepaternalmansion！TothevenerableBishopthenewsofhisnobleniece’sdeparturemighthavebeenfatal:wehaveitfromthewaitersofMivart’sthathisLordshipwasabouttoindulgeintherefreshmentofturtlesoupwhenthenewswasbroughttohim；
immediateapoplexywasapprehended；butMr。Macann，thecelebratedsurgeonofWestminster，wasluckilypassingthroughBondStreetatthetime，andbeingpromptlycalledin，bledandrelievedtheexemplarypatient。HisLordshipwillreturntothePalace，Bullocksmithy，tomorrow。”ThefranticagoniesoftheRightHonorabletheEarlofBareacrescanbeimaginedbyeverypaternalheart。Farbeitfromustodisturb——impossibleisitforustodescribetheirnoblesorrow。
OurreportershavemadeinquirieseverytenminutesattheEarl’smansioninHillStreet，regardingthehealthoftheNoblePeerandhisincomparableCountess。Theyhavebeenreceivedwitharudenesswhichwedeplorebutpardon。Onewasthreatenedwithacane；
another，inthepursuitofhisofficialinquiries，wassalutedwithapailofwater；athirdgentlemanwasmenacedinapugilisticmannerbyhisLordship’sporter；butbeingofanIrishnation，amanofspiritandsinew，andMasterofArtsofTrinityCollege，Dublin，thegentlemanofourestablishmentconfrontedthemenial，andhavingseverelybeatenhim，retiredtoaneighboringhotelmuchfrequentedbythedomesticsofthesurroundingnobility，andthereobtainedwhatwebelievetobethemostaccurateparticularsofthisextraordinaryoccurrence。”GeorgeFrederickJennings，thirdfootmanintheestablishmentofLordBareacres，statedtoouremployeasfollows:——LadyAngelinahadbeenpromisedtoMr。DelaPluchefornearsixweeks。Shenevercouldabidethatgentleman。Hewasthelaughterofalltheservants’hall。Previoustohiselevationhehadhimselfbeenengagedinadomesticcapacity。AtthatperiodhehadofferedmarriagetoMaryAnnHoggins，whowaslivinginthequalityofladies’-maidinthefamilywhereMr。DelaP。wasemployed。MissHogginsbecamesubsequentlylady’s-maidtoLadyAngelina——theelopementwasarrangedbetweenthosetwo。ItwasMissHogginswhodeliveredthenotewhichinformedthebereavedMr。Plushofhisloss。”SamuelButtons，pagetotheRighthonorabletheEarlofBareacres，wasorderedonFridayafternoonateleveno’clocktofetchacabrioletfromthestandinDaviesStreet。HeselectedthecabNo。
19，796，drivenbyGeorgeGregoryMacarty，aone-eyedmanfromClonakilty，intheneighborhoodofCork，Irelandofwhommoreanon，andwaited，accordingtohisinstructions，atthecornerofBerkeleySquarewithhisvehicle。Hisyounglady，accompaniedbyhermaid，MissMaryAnnHoggins，carryingaband-box，presentlyarrived，andenteredthecabwiththebox:whatwerethecontentsofthatboxwehaveneverbeenabletoascertain。OnaskingherLadyshipwhetherheshouldorderthecabtodriveinanyparticulardirection，hewastoldtodrivetoMadameCrinoline’s，theeminentmillinerinCavendishSquare。OnrequestingtoknowwhetherheshouldaccompanyherLadyship，ButtonswasperemptorilyorderedbyMissHogginstogoabouthisbusiness。”Havingnowhisclue，ourreporterinstantlywentinsearchofcab19，796，orratherthedriverofthatvehicle，whowasdiscoveredwithnosmalldifficultyathisresidence，WhetstonePark，Lincoln’sInnFields，whereheliveswithhisfamilyofninechildren。Havingreceivedtwosovereigns，insteaddoubtlessoftwoshillingshisregularfare，bytheway，wouldhavebeenonlyone-
and-eightpence，Macartyhadnotgoneoutwiththecabforthetwolastdays，passingtheminastateofalmostceaselessintoxication。
Hisreplieswereveryincoherentinanswertothequeriesofourreporter；and，hadnotthatgentlemanhimselfbeenacompatriot，itisprobablehewouldhaverefusedaltogethertosatisfythecuriosityofthepublic。”AtMadameCrinoline’s，MissHogginsquittedthecarriage，andA
GENTLEMANenteredit。MacartydescribeshimasaveryCLEVER
gentlemanmeaningtallwithblackmoustaches，Oxford-graytrousers，andblackhatandapea-coat。HedrovethecoupleTOTHE
EUSTONSQUARESTATION，andthereleftthem。Howheemployedhistimesubsequentlywehavestated。”AttheEustonSquareStation，thegentlemanofourestablishmentlearnedfromFrederickCorduroy，aporterthere，thatagentlemanansweringtheabovedescriptionhadtakenplacestoDerby。Wehavedespatchedaconfidentialgentlemanthither，byaspecialtrain，andshallgivehisreportinasecondedition。”SECONDEDITION。”FromourReporter。”NEWCASTLE，Monday。”Iamjustarrivedatthisancienttown，atthe’ElephantandCucumberHotel。’ApartytravellingunderthenameofMR。ANDMRS。
JONES，thegentlemanwearingmoustaches，andhavingwiththemablueband-box，arrivedbythetraintwohoursbeforeme，andhavepostedonwardstoSCOTLAND。Ihaveorderedfourhorses，andwritethisonthehindboot，astheyareputtingto。”THIRDEDITION。”GRETNAGREEN，MondayEvening。”Themysteryisatlengthsolved。Thisafternoon，atfouro’clock，theHymenealBlacksmith，ofGretnaGreen，celebratedthemarriagebetweenGeorgeGranbySilvertop，Esq。，aLieutenantinthe150thHussars，thirdsonofGeneralJohnSilvertop，ofSilvertopHall，Yorkshire，andLadyEmilySilvertop，daughterofthelatesisterofthepresentEarlofBareacres，andtheLadyAngelinaAmeliaArethusaAnacondaAlexandrinaAlicompaniaAnnemariaAntoinetta，daughterofthelast-namedEarlBareacres。
HerefollowsalongextractfromtheMarriageServiceintheBookofCommonPrayer，whichwasnotreadontheoccasion，andneednotberepeatedhere。”Aftertheceremony，theyoungcouplepartookofaslightrefreshmentofsherryandwater——theformertheCaptainpronouncedtobeexecrable；and，havingmyselftastedsomeglassesfromtheVERYSAMEBOTTLEwithwhichtheyoungandnoblepairwereserved，I
mustsayIthinktheCaptainwasratherharduponminehostofthe’BagpipesHotelandPosting-House，’whencetheyinstantlyproceeded。
Ifollowthemassoonasthehorseshavefed。”FOURTHEDITION。”SHAMEFULTREATMENTOFOURREPORTER。”WHISTLEBINKIE，N。B。Monday，Midnight。”Iarrivedatthisromanticlittlevillaabouttwohoursafterthenewlymarriedcouple，whoseprogressIhavethehonortotrace，reachedWhistlebinkie。Theyhavetakenuptheirresidenceatthe’CairngormArms’——mineisattheotherhostelry，the’ClachanofWhistlebinkie。’”Ondrivinguptothe’CairngormArms，’Ifoundagentlemanofmilitaryappearancestandingatthedoer，andoccupiedseeminglyinsmokingacigar。ItwasverydarkasIdescendedfrommycarriage，andthegentlemaninquestionexclaimed，’Isityou，Southdownmyboy？Youhavecometoolate；unlessyouarecometohavesomesupper；’orwordstothateffect。IexplainedthatIwasnottheLordViscountSouthdown，andpolitelyapprisedCaptainSilvertopforIjustlyconcludedtheindividualbeforemecouldbenoother
ofhismistake。”’Whothedeuce’theCaptainusedastrongerterm’areyou，then？’saidMr。Silvertop。’AreyouBaggsandTapewell，myuncle’sattorneys？Ifyouare，youhavecometoolateforthefair。’”IbrieflyexplainedthatIwasnotBaggsandTapewell，butthatmynamewasJ——ms，andthatIwasagentlemanconnectedwiththeestablishmentoftheMorningTatlernewspaper。”’Andwhathasbroughtyouhere，Mr。MorningTatler？’askedmyinterlocutor，ratherroughly。Myanswerwasfrank——thatthedisappearanceofanobleladyfromthehouseofherfriendshadcausedthegreatestexcitementinthemetropolis，andthatmyemployerswereanxioustogivethepubliceveryparticularregardinganeventsosingular。”’Anddoyoumeantosay，sir，thatyouhavedoggedmeallthewayfromLondon，andthatmyfamilyaffairsaretobepublishedforthereadersoftheMorningTatlernewspaper？TheMorningTatterbe——
theCaptainheregaveutterancetoanoathwhichIshallnotrepeatandyoutoo，sir；youunpudentmeddlingscoundrel。’”’Scoundrel，sir！’saidI。’Yes，’repliedtheirategentleman，seizingmerudelybythecollar——andhewouldhavechokedme，butthatmybluesatinstockandfalsecollargaveway，andwereleftinthehandsofthisGENTLEMAN。’Help，landlord！’Iloudlyexclaimed，adding，Ibelieve，’murder，’andotherexclamationsofalarm。InvainIappealedtothecrowd，whichbythistimewasprettyconsiderable；theyandtheunfeelingpost-boysonlyburstintolaughter，andcalledout，’Giveithim，Captain。’Astruggleensued，inwhichIhavenodoubtIshouldhavehadthebetter，butthattheCaptain，joiningsuddenlyinthegeneralandindecenthilarity，whichwasdoubledwhenIfelldown，stoppedandsaid，’Well，Jims，Iwon’tfightonmymarriage-day。Gointothetap，Jims，andorderaglassofbrandy-and-wateratmyexpense——andmindIdon’tseeyourfaceto-morrowmorning，orI’llmakeitmoreuglythanitis。’”Withthesegrossexpressionsandacheerfromthecrowd，Mr。
Silvertopenteredtheinn。IneednotsaythatIdidnotpartakeofhishospitality，andthatpersonallyIdespisehisinsults。I
makethemknownthattheymaycalldowntheindignationofthebodyofwhichIamamember，andthrowmyselfonthesympathyofthepublic，asagentlemanshamefullyassaultedandinsultedinthedischargeofapublicduty。””Thusyou’veseanhowtheflowerofmyaffeckshnswastawnoutofmybusm，andmyartwasleftbleading。Hangelina！Iforgivethee。
Macethoubeappy！Ifeverartfeltprayerforotherswheelawailedoni，thebeinkonwombyoutrampledaddressesthosesubblygationstoEvninyourbe1/2！”Iwenthomelikeamaniack，afterhearingtheannouncementofHangelina’sdepartur。She’dbeengonetwentyhourswhenIheardthefatlenoose。Purshootwasvain。SupposeIDIDkitchherup，theyweremarried，andwhatcouldwedo？ThissensableremarkI
madetoEarlBareacres，whenthatdistragtednoblemanigspawstulatedwithme。Erwhowastohavebeenmymother-in-lor，theCountiss，I
neverfromthatmominksoragin。Mypresnts，troosoes，juels，&c。，weresentback——withtheigsepshnofthedimindsandCashmearshawl，whichherLadyshipCOODN’TFIND。OnyitwaswhisperedthatatthenexbuthdayshewasseenwithashawlIGSACKLYOFTHESAMEPATTN。
Leterkeepit。”Southdownwasphurius。Hecametomehaftertheewent，andwantedmeadwance50lb。，sothathemightpurshewhisfewgitifsister——
butIwasn’ttobeadwiththatsortofchaugh——therewasnomoremoneyforTHATfamly。Sohewentaway，andgavehuttrancetohisfeelinxinapoem，whichappearedprice2guineasintheBelAssombly。”Allthejuilers，manchumakers，lacemen，cochbilders，apolstrers，horsdealers，andweddencakemakerscamepawringinwiththeirbills，haggravatingfeelingsalreadywoondidbeyondenjurants。
Thatmadnissdidn’tseazemethatnightwasamussy。Fever，fewry，andraygerack’dmyhagnizedbraind，anddrovesleapfrommythrobbinkilids。HallnightIfolleredHangelinarinimadganationalongtheNorthRoad。Iwentedcusses&mallydickshunsonthehinfamusSilvertop。Ikickdandrordinmyunhuttarablewhoe！I
seazedmypillar:Ipitchtintoit:pummldit，strangledit。Hahar！IthoughtitwasSilvertopwrithinginmyJintgrasp；andtawthehordayshisvillinglimfromlimintheterriblestrenthofmydespare！……Letmedropacuttingoverthememriesofthatnight。Whenmyboddy-suvntcamewithmyotwaterinthemawning，thelividcopseinthecharnillwasnotpaylerthanthegashlyDelaPluche！”’GivemetheShare-list，Mandeville，’Imicanicklyigsclaimed。I
hadnotperuseditforthepast3days，myetentionbeingengaygedelseware。Hevns&huth！——whatwasitIredthere？Whatwasitthatmademespringoutabedasifsumbadyhadgivenmecoldpig？——I
redRewininthatShare-list——thePannickwasinfullhoparation！……
ShallIdescribethatkitastrafywithwhichhallHenglandisfamilliar？My&rifewsestocronniclethemisfortnswhichlassaratedmybleedingartinHoctoberlast。OnthefustofHawgustwherewasI？Directoroftwenty-threeCompanies；olderofscriphallataprimmium，andworthatleastaquarterofamillium。OnLordMare’sdaymySaintHelenasquotidat14pm，weredownat1/2discount；myCentralIchaboesat3/8discount；myTableMounting&HottentotGrandTrunk，nowhere；myBathershinsandDerrynaneBeg，ofwhichI’dbought2000fortheaccountat17
primmium，downtonix；myJuanFernandez，myGreatCentralOregons，prostrit。TherewasamomintwhenIthoughtIshouldn’tbealivetowritemyowntail！”
HerefollowinMr。Plush’sMS。abouttwenty-fourpagesofrailroadcalculations，whichwepretermit。”Thosebeests，Pump&Aldgate，oncesocringingandumble，wrotemeathreatnenletterbecauseIoverdrewmyaccountthree-and-
sixpence:woodn’tadvancemefivethousandon25，000worthofscrip；kepmewaiting2hourswhenIaskedtoseethehouse；andthensentoutSpout，thejewniorpartner，sayingtheywouldn’tdiscountmypaper，andimplawedmetoclothesmyaccount。Idid:I
paidthethree-and-sixballiance，andneversor’emmor。”Themarketfelldaily。TheRewingrewwusserandwusser。
Hagnies，Hagnies！itwasn’tinthecityaloanmymisfortnscameuponme。Theybeerdedmeinmyownome。ThebiddlewhokipswatchattheHalbanywodnkeepmisfortnoutofmychambers；andMrs。
Twiddler，ofPallMall，andMr。Hunx，ofLongAcre，putegsicutionintomyapartmince，andswepoffeverystickofmyfurniture。
’Wardrobe&furnitureofamanoffashion。’WhatanadwertisementGeorgeRobinsDIDmakeofit；andwhatacrowdwascollectedtolaffattheprospickofmyruing！Mychiceplait；mysellerofwine；mypicturs——thatofmyselfincludeditwasMaryhann，blessher！thatboughtit，unbeknowntome；all——allwenttotheammer。
ThatbrootleFitzwarren，myex-vally，wombImet，fimilliarlyslaptmeonthesholder，andsaid，’Jeames，myboy，you’dbestgointosuvvisaginn。’”IDIDgointosuvvis——thewustofallsuvvices——IwentintotheQueen’sBenchPrison，andlaythereamisrabblecaptiffor6
mortialweeks。MisrabbleshallIsay？no，notmisrabblealtogether；therewassunlikeinthedunjingoftheporeprisner。
Ihadvisitors。AcartusedtodrivehuptotheprizngatesofSaturdays；awashywoman’scart，withafatoldladyinit，andayoungone。Whowasthatyoungone？Everyonewhohasanartcangess，itwasmyblue-eyedblushinghangelofaMaryHann！’Shallwetakehimoutinthelinnen-basket，grandmamma？’MaryHannsaid。
Blessher，she’dalreadylearnedtosaygrandmammaquitenatral:
butIdidn’tgooutthatway；Iwentoutbythedoorawhitewashedman。Ho，whatafeasttherewasatHealingthedayIcameout！
I’dthirteenshillingsleftwhenI’dboughtthegoldring。I
wasn’tprowd。Iturnedthemangleforthreeweeks；andthenUncleBillsaid，’Well，thereISsomegoodinthefeller；’anditwasagreedthatweshouldmarry。”
ThePlushmanuscriptfinisheshere:itismanyweekssincewesawtheaccomplishedwriter，andwehaveonlyjustlearnedhisfate。
Wearehappytostatethatitisacomfortableandalmostaprosperousone。
TheHonorableandRightReverendLionelThistlewood，LordBishopofBullocksmithy，wasmentionedastheuncleofLadyAngelinaSilvertop。Herelopementwithhercousincauseddeepemotiontothevenerableprelate:hereturnedtothepalaceatBullocksmithy，ofwhichhehadbeenforthirtyyearstheepiscopalornament，andwherehemarriedthreewives，wholieburiedinhisCathedralChurchofSt。Boniface，Bullocksmithy。
Theadmirablemanhasrejoinedthosewhomheloved。Ashewaspreparingachargetohisclergyinhisstudyafterdinner，theLordBishopfellsuddenlydowninafitofapoplexy；hisbutler，bringinginhisaccustomeddishofdevilledkidneysforsupper，discoveredthevenerableformextendedontheTurkeycarpetwithaglassofMadeirainhishand；butlifewasextinct:andsurgicalaidwasthereforenotparticularlyuseful。
Allthelateprelate’swiveshadfortunes，whichtheadmirablemanincreasedbythrift，thejudicioussaleofleaseswhichfellinduringhisepiscopacy，&c。Heleftthreehundredthousandpounds——
dividedbetweenhisnephewandniece——notagreatersumthanhasbeenleftbyseveraldeceasedIrishprelates。
WhatLordSouthdownhasdonewithhissharewearenotcalledupontostate。HehascomposedanepitaphtotheMartyrofBullocksmithy，whichdoeshiminfinitecredit。ButwearehappytostatethatLadyAngelinaSilvertoppresentedfivehundredpoundstoherfaithfulandaffectionateservant，MaryAnnHoggins，onhermarriagewithMr。
JamesPlush，towhomherLadyshipalsomadeahandsomepresent——
namely，thelease，good-will，andfixturesofthe”WheelofFortune”
public-house，nearShepherd’sMarket，MayFair:ahousegreatlyfrequentedbyallthenobility’sfootmen，doingagenteelstrokeofbusinessintheneighborhood，andwhere，aswehaveheard，the”Butlers’Club”isheld。
HereMr。Plushliveshappyinabloomingandinterestingwife:
reconciledtoamiddlesphereoflife，ashewastoahumblerandahigheronebefore。Hehasshavedoffhiswhiskers，andaccommodateshimselftoanapronwithperfectgoodhumor。A
gentlemanconnectedwiththisestablishmentdinedatthe”WheelofFortune”theotherday，andcollectedtheaboveparticulars。Mr。
Plushblushedrather，ashebroughtinthefirstdish，andtoldhisstoryverymodestlyoverapintofexcellentport。Hehadonlyonethinginlifetocomplainof，hesaid——thatawitlessversionofhisadventureshadbeenproducedatthePrincess’stheatre，”withoutwithyourleaforbyyourleaf，”asheexpressedit。”Hasfortherest，”theworthyfellowsaid，”I’mappy——prapsbetwixtyouandmeI’minmyproperspear。Ienjymyglassofbeerorportwithyourelth&mysuvvicetoyou，sir，quiteasmuchasmyclarritinmyprawsprusdays。I’veagoodbusniss，whichislikelytobebetter。Ifamancan’tbeappywithsuchawifeasmyMaryHann，he’sabeest:andwhenachristeningtakesplaceinourfamly，willyougivemycomplmentstoMR。PUNCH，andaskhimtobegodfather。”
LETTERSOFJEAMES。
JEAMESONTIMEBARGINGS。”PerapsatthispresentmominkofRailwayHagetationandunsafetythefollyinglittleistoryofayoungfriendofminemayhactasanolesomewarningtohotherweekandhirresoluteyounggents。”YoungFrederickTimminswasthehorphansonofarespectablecludgymanintheWestofHengland。Hadoptedbyhisuncle，ColonelT——，oftheHoss-Mareens，andregardlessofexpence，thisyoungmanwassenttoHeatonCollidge，andsubsiquintlytoHoxford，wherehewasverynearlybeingSeniorRangler。HecametoLondontostudyforthelor。Hisprospixwasbrightindead；andhelivedinaseckndfloreinJermingStreet，havingagintealinkumoftwohundredlbs。perhannum。”WiththisandsumenuityitmaybesupposedthatFrederickwantedfornothink。Nordidhe。Hewasamoralandwell-educatedyoungman，whotookcareofhisclose；pollishthishonetea-partyboots；
cleanedhiskidd-gloveswithinjerrubber；and，whennotinvitedtodineout，tookhismealsreglarattheHoxfordandCambridgeClub——
whereunlesssomebodytreatedhimhewasneverknowntoigseedhisalf-pintofMarsallyWine。”Merritsandvuttuessuchashiscoodntlongpassunperseavdintheworld。Admittedtothemostfashnabbleparties，itwasn’tlongbeforsevraloftheyoungladiesviewedhimwithafavorablei；
one，ixpecially，thelovelyMissHemilyMulligatawney，daughteroftheHeast-InjarDerectorofthatname。Asshewastherichestgalofalltheseason，ofcorseFrederickfellinlovewithher。Hishaspirationswereonthepintofbeingcrowndidwithsuccess；anditwasagreedthatassoonashewascalledtothebar，whenhewouldsutnlybeapintedaJudge，orarevisingbarrister，orLordChanslor，heshouldleadhertothehalter。”WhatlifecouldbemoredesirablethanFrederick’s？Hegaveuphismorningstoperfeshnlstuddy，underMr。Bluebag，theheminentpleader；hedevotedhisheveningstohelegantsosiatyathisClubb，orwithhishadordHemily。Hehadnocares；nodetts；noegstravigancies；heneverwasknowntorideinacabb，unlessoneofhistip-topfriendslentithim；togotoatheayterunlesshegotahorder；ortohenteratavernorsmokeacigar。Ifprosperratywasheverchockedout，itwasforthatyoungman。”ButSUCKMSTANCESarose。FatlesuckmstancesforporeFrederickTimmins。TheRailwayHoperationsbegan。”Forsometime，immerstinlorandlove，inthehardenthoccupationsofhischeembers，orthesweetsosiatyofhisHemily，Fredericktooknonoteofrailroads。Hedidnotreckonizethejiganticrevalutionwhichwithhironstrideswasawalkinoverthecountry。ButtheybegantobetalkedofeveninHISquiathaunts。HevenintheHoxfordandCambridgeClubb，fellerswereaspeculatin。TomThumperofBrasenNoseclearedfourthousandlb。；BobBullockofHexeter，whohadlostallhisproppatygambling，hadsethimselfupagain；
andJackDeuceace，whohadwonit，hadwonasmallistatebesidesbyluckyspecklationsintheShareMarkit。”HEVERYBODYWON。’Whyshouldn’tI？’thoughtporeFred；andhavingsaved100lb。，hebeganawritinforshares——using，likeanickonominiclefellerashewas，theClubbpapertoaprodigiousigstent。AlltheRailroaddirectors，hisfriends，helpedhimtoshares——theallottmentscametumblingin——hetooktheprimmiumsbyfiftiesandhundredsaday。Hisdeskwascramdfullofbanknotes:
hisbraneworldwithigsitement。”HegaveupgoingtotheTemple，andmightnowbeseenhalldayaboutCapelCourt。Hetooknomorehinterestinlor；buthiswholetalkwasofrailroadlines。HisdeskatMr。Bluebag’swasfilledfullofprospectisises，andthatlegalgentwrotetoFred’suncle，tosayhefearedhewasneglectinhisbisniss。”Alass！heWASneglectinit，andallhissoberandindusteroushabits。Hebeganntogivedinners，andthoughtnothinofpartystoGreenwichorRichmond。Hedidn’tseehisHemilynearsooften:
althoughthehawdaciousandmisguidedyoungmanmighthavedonesomuchmoreheasilynowthanbefore:fornowhekepaBroom！”Butthere’satumminustoheveryRailway。Fred’swasapproachin:
inanevilhourhebeganmakingTIME-BARGINGS。Letthisbeawarningtoallyoungfellers，andFred’shuntimelyhendhoperateontheminamoralpintofvu！”YouallknowunderwhatfavrabblesuckemstansestheGreatHafricanLine，theGrandNigerJunction，orGoldCoastandTimbuctooProvishnalHatmosphericRailwaycameoutfourweeksago:depositninepencepershareof20L。sixelephant’steeth，twelvetonsofpalm-oil，orfourhealthyniggers，Africancurrency——thesharesofthishelegebleinvestmentroseto1，2，3，intheMarkit。AhappymanwasFredwhen，afterpayingdown100ninepences3L。15s。，hesoldhissharesfor250L。Hegaveadinneratthe’StarandGarter’thatveryday。IpromiseyoutherewasnoMarsallyTHERE。”Nexdaytheywereupat31/4。ThisputFredinarage:theyroseto5，hewasinafewry。’WhatanassIwastosell，’saidhe，’whenallthismoneywastobewon！’”’AndsoyouWEREanAss，’saidhispartiklarfriend，ColonelClaw，K。X。R。，adirectoroftheline，’adouble-earedAss。Mydearfellow，theshareswillbeat15nextweek。WillyougivemeyoursolemnwordofhonornottobreathetomortalmanwhatIamgoingtotellyou？’”’Honorbright，’saysFred。”’HUDSONHASJOINEDTHELINE。’Freddidn’tsayawordmore，butwenttumblingdowntotheCityinhisBroom。Youknowthestateofthestreets。ClawWENTBYWATER。”’BuymeonethousandHafricansforthe30th，’criesFred，bustingintohisbroker’s；andtheyweredoneforhimat47/8……”Can’tyouguesstherest？Haven’tyouseentheShareList？whichsays:——”’GreatAfricans，paid9d。；price1/4par。’”Andthat’swhatcameofmyporedearfriendTimmins’stime-barging。”What’llbecomeofhimIcan’tsay；fornobodyhasseenhimsince。
HislodginsinJermingStreetistolet。Hisbrokersinvaindeploreshisabsence。HisUnclehasdeclaredhismarriagewithhishousekeeper；andtheMorningEraldthatemusingprinthasaparagrafyesterdayinthefashnabblenews，headed’MarriageinHighLife——TherichandbeautifulMissMulligatawney，ofPortlandPlace，istobespeedilyunitedtoColonelClaw，K。X。R。’”JEAMES。”
JEAMESONTHEGAUGEQUESTION。”Youwillscarcelyprapsreckonizeinthislittleskitch*thehalteredlinimintsof1，withwoosfacetheredersofyourvallublemislnywereoncefimiliar，——theunfortntJeamesdelaPluche，fomlysoselabratedinthefashnabblesuckles，nowtheporeJeamesPlush，landlordofthe’WheelofFortune’publichouse。Yes，thatisme；
thatismyhaypunwhichIwearasbecomesapublican——thoseisthecheckerswhichhornymentthepillowsofmydor。IamliketheRominGenral，St。Cenatus，equaltoanyemudgencyofFortun。I，whohavedrunkShampanginmytime，aintnowabovdroringapintofSmallBier。Asformywife——thatAngel——I’venotventuredtodepigtHER。FansyherasittnintheBar，smilinglikeasunflowerand，ho，dearPunch！happyinnussingadeerlittledarlinttotsywotsyofaJeames，withmyairtoacurl，andmyi’stoaT！
*Thisreferstoanillustratededitionofthework。”IneverthoughtIshouldhavebeeninjuicedtowriteanythingbutaBillagin，muchlesstoedressyouonRailwaySubjix——whichwithallmysoleIABAW。Railwayletters，obbligationstopayhup，gintealinquirysastomySalissator’sname，&c。&c。，Idispizeandscornartily。Butasaman，anusbnd，afather，andafreebonBrittn，myjewtycompelsmetocomeforwoods，andigspressmyopinionuponthatNASHNALNEWSANCE——thebreakofGage。”AninterestingewentinanoblefamilywithwhichIonceverynearlyhadthehonorofbeingkinected，acurdafewweexsins，whentheLadyAngelinaS——，daughteroftheEarlofB——cres，presentedthegallantCapting，herusband，withaSon&hair。
NothinkwouldsatasfyherLadyshipbutthatheroldandattachtfamdyshamber，mywifeMaryHannPlush，shouldbepresntuponthishospiciousoccasion。CaptainS——wasnotjellusofmeonaccountofmyformerattachmenttohisLady。IcunsentedthatmyMaryHannshouldattendher，andme，mywife，andourdearbabbyacawdinglysetoutforournoablefrend’sresidence，HoneymoonLodge，nearCheltenham。”SickofallRailroadsmyself，IwishttopoastitinaChayand4，butMaryHann，withthehobstenacyofherSex，wasbentuponRailroadtravelling，andIyealded，likeallhusbinds。WesetoutbytheGreatWestn，inaneavleHour。”Wedidnttakemuchluggitch——mywife’sthingsintheushalbandboxes——mineinapotmancho。OurdearlittleJamesAngelo’scalledsoincomplamenttohisnobleGodmammacraddle，andasmallsupplyofafew100weightofTopsanbawtems，Farinashiousfood，andLady’sfingers，forthatdearchild，whoisnow6monthsold，withaPERDIDGUSAPPATITE。LikewisewewerechargedwithabrannewMedsanchestformylady，fromSkivary&Morris，containingenoughRewbub，Daffy’sAlixir，Godfrey’scawdle，withafewscoreofparslesforLadyHangelina’sfamilyandowsehold:
about2000spessyminsofBabbylinningfromMrs。Flummary’sinRegentStreet，aChaynyCresningbowlfromoldLadyBareacresbigenoughtoimmusaHalderman，&acasemarked’Glass，’fromherladyship’smeddicleman，whichwerestowedawaytogether；hadtothisanormylewCradle，withrose-coloredSatting&Pinklacehangings，heldupbyagoldtuttle-dove，&c。Wehad，ingludingJamesHangelo’srattle&myumbrellow，73packidgesinall。”WegotonverywellasfarasSwindon，where，intheSplendidRefreshmentroom，therewasagalaxyoflovelygalsincottnvelvetspencers，whoservesoutthesoop，and1ofwhommaidanimpresshnuponthisArtwhichIshoodn’tlikeMaryHanntoknow——andhere，toourinfanitdisgust，wechangedcarridges。Iforgottosaythatwewereintheseekndclass，havingwithusJamesHangelo，and23
otherlightharticles。”Fustinconveniance:andalmostasbadasbreakofgage。Icastmyhiuponthegalincottnvelvet，andwantedsomesoop，ofcoarse；
butseasingupJamesHangelowhowaslayinhisdearlittleporsonanAmSangwidgandseeingmyigspresshnofhi——’James，’saysMaryHann，’insteadoflookingatthatyounglady——andnotsoVERYyoungneither——bepleasedtolooktoourpackidges，&placethemintheothercarridge。’IdidsowithanevyArt。Ierangedthem23
articlesintheopsitcarridg，onlymissingmyumberella&baby’srattle；andjestasIcamebackformybaysnofsoop，thebeastofabellrings，thewhizzlinginjiansproclaymsthetimeofourdeparture，——&farewellsoopandcottnvelvet。MaryHannwassulky。
Shesaiditwasmylosingtheumberella。IfithadbeenaCOTTON
VELVETUMBERELLAIcouldhaveunderstood。JamesHangelosittnonmykneewasevidentlyunwell；withouthiscoral:&for20milesthatblessidbabbykepuparawring，whichcausedallthepassingerstosimpithizewithhimigseedingly。”WearriveatGloster，andtherefansymydisgustatbeinableegedtoundergoanotherchangeofcarridges！Fansymeholdingupmoughs，tippits，cloaks，andbaskits，andJamesHangelorawringstilllikemad，andpretendingtoshuperintendthecarryingoverofourluggagefromthebroadgagetothenarrowgage。’MaryHann，’
saysI，rottodesperation，’Ishallthrottlethisdarlingifhegoeson。’’Do，’saysshe——’andGOINTOTHEREFRESHMENTroom，’saysshe——asnatchinthebabbyoutofmyarms。Dogo，’saysshe，yourenotfittolookafterluggage，’andshebeganlullingJamesHangelotosleepwithonehi，whileshelookedafterthepacketswiththeother。Now，Sir！ifyouplease，mindthatpacket！——prettydarling——
easywiththatbox，Sir，itsglass——pooootypoppet——where’sthedealcase，markedarrowroot，No。24？’shecried，readingoutofalistshehad——AndpoorlittleJameswenttosleep。Theporterswerebundlingandcartingthevariousharticleswithnomoreceremonythanifeachpackagehadbeenofcannonball。”Atlast——banggoesapackagemarked’Glass，’andcontainingtheChaynybowlandLadyBareacres’mixture，intoalargewhitebandbox，withacrashandasmash。’It’sMyLady’sboxfromCrinoline’s！’criesMaryHann；andsheputsdownthechildonthebench，andrushesforwardtoinspectthedammidge。YoucouldheartheChaynybowlsclinkinginside；andLadyB。’smixturewhichhadtheigsacksmellofcherrybrandywasdribblingoutoverthesmashedbandboxcontainingawhitechild’scloak，trimmedwithBlownlaceandlinedwithwhitesatting。”AsJameswasasleep，andIwasbythistimeuncommonhungry，I
thoughtIWOULDgointotheRefreshmentRoomandjusttakealittlesoup；soIwrappedhimupinhiscloakandlaidhimbyhismamma，andwentoff。There’snotnearsuchgoodattendanceasatSwindon……”Wetookourplacesinthecarriageinthedark，bothofuscoveredwithapileofpackages，andMaryHannsosulkythatshewouldnotspeakforsomeminutes。Atlastshespokeout——”’Haveyouallthesmallparcels？’”’Twenty-threeinall，’saysI。”’Thengivemebaby。’”’Giveyouwhat？’saysI。”’Givemebaby。’”’What，haven’ty-y-yoooogothim？’saysI……”OMussy！Youshouldhaveheardhersreak！WE’DLEFTHIMONTHE
LEDGEATGLOSTER。”Itallcameofthebreakofgage。”
MR。JEAMESAGAIN。”DEARMR。PUNCH，——Asnewmarusinquirieshavebeenmaidbothatmyprivitressddence，’TheWheelofFortuneOtel，’andatyourHoffis，regardingthefateofthatdearbabby，JamesHangelo，whoseprimmituredissappearntscausedsuchhagniestohisdistractedparents，Imustbegg，dearsir，thepermissiontoockupyapartofyourvalublecollamsoncemore，andheasethepublicmindaboutmyblessidboy。”Wictimsofthatnashnalcuss，theBrokenGage，meandMrs。PlushwasleftinthetraintoCheltenham，soughringfromthatmostdisgreebleofcomplaints，ahalmostBROKENART。TheskreemsofMrs。Jeamesmightbesaidalmosttoout-Ythesqueelofthedying，aswerushtintothatfashnableSpaw，andmyporeMaryHannfounditwasnotBaby，butBundlesIhadinmylapp。”WhentheOldDowidgerLadyBareacres，whowaswaitingheagerlyatthetrain，herdthatowingtothatabawminableBrakeofGagetheluggitch，herLadyship’sCherrybrandybox，thecradleforLadyHangelina’sbaby，thelace，crockaryandchany，wasrejuicedtooneimmortialsmash；theoldcathowldatmeandporedearMaryHann，asifitwashuss，andnottheinfunnleBrakeofGage，wastoblame；andasifweadnomisfortnsofourhowntodeplaw。Shebustoutaboutmystupidimparence；calledMaryHannagoodfornothinkcreecher，andwep，andabewsd，andtookonaboutherbrokenChaynyBowl，agreatdealmorthanshedidaboutadearlittleChristianchild。’Don’ttalktomeabowtyourbrattofababby’
seshe；’where’smybowl？——where’smymedsan？——where’smybewtifflePintlace？——Allinrewingthroughyourstupiddaty，youbrute，you！’”’BringyourhactionaginsttheGreatWestern，Maam，’saysI，quiteriledbythiscrewelandunfealingholdwixen。’AskthepawtersatGloster，whyyourgoodsisspiled——it’snotthefusttimethey’vebeenaskedthequestion。GitthegagehalteredaginstthenextimeyousendforMEDSANandmeanwildbuysomeatthe”Plow”——theykeepitverygoodandstrongthere，I’llbebound。Hasforus，WE’REagoingbacktothecussidstationatGloster，insuchofourblessidchild。’”’Youdon’tmeantosay，youngwoman，’seshe，’thatyou’renotgoingtoLadyHangelina:what’sherdearboytodo？who’stonussit？’”’YOUnussit，Maam，’saysI。’MeandMaryHannreturnthismomintbytheFly。’AndsowhishingherasuckasticajewMrs。JeamesandIlepintoaoneossweakle，andtoldthedrivertogolikemadbacktoGloster。”Ican’tdescribemyporegalshagnyjuringourride。Shesatinthecarridgeassilentasamilestone，andasmaddasamarchAir。
WhenwegottoGlostershespranghoutofitaswildasaTigris，andrushttothestation，uptothefatleBench。”’Mychild，mychild，’shreexshe，inahoss，hotvoice。’Where’smyinfant？alittlebewtiflechild，withblueeyes，——dearMr。
Policeman，giveitme——athousandguineasforit。’”’Faix，Mam，’saystheman，aHirishman，’andthedivvleababbyhaveIseenthisdayexceptthirteenofmyown——andyou’rewelcometoanyoneofTHEM，andkindly。’”’AsifHISbabbywasequaltoours，’asmydarlingMaryHannsaid，afterwards。Allthestationwasscrougingroundusbythistime——
pawters&clarxandrefreshmintpeopleandall。’What’sthisyearrowaboutthattherebabby？’atlastsaystheInspector，steppinghup。Ithoughtmywifewasgoingtojumpintohisharms。’Haveyougothim？’saysshe。”’Wasitachildinabluecloak？’sayshe。”’Andblueeyse！’saysmywife。”’IputalabelonhimandsenthimontoBristol；he’stherebythistime。TheGuardoftheMailtookhimandputhimintoaletter-box，’sayshe:’hewent20minutesago。Wefoundhimonthebroadgaugeline，andsenthimonbyit，incourse，’sayshe。’Andit’llbeacautiontoyou，youngwoman，forthefuture，tolabelyourchildrenalongwiththerestofyourluggage。’”IfmypiguniarymeanshadbeensuchasONCEtheywas，youmayemadgineI’dhaveadaspeshletrainandbeenhofflikesmoak。Asitwas，wewasobligedtowait4mortialhoursforthenexttrain4earstheyseemedtous，andthenawaywewent。”’Myboy！mylittleboy！’sayspoorchokingMaryHann，whenwegotthere。’Aparcelinabluecloak？’saystheman。’Nobodyclaimedhimhere，andsowesenthimbackbythemail。AnIrishnurseheregavehimsomesupper，andhe’satPaddingtonbythistime。Yes，’
sayshe，lookingattheclock，’he’sbeentherethesetenminutes。’”Butseeingmypoorwife’sdistractedhistarriclestate，thisgood-
naterdmansays，’Ithink，mydear，there’sawaytoeaseyourmind。We’llknowinfiveminuteshowheis。’”’Sir，’saysshe，’don’tmakesportofme。’”’No，mydear，we’llTELEGRAPHhim。’”Andhebeganhopparatingonthatsinglarandingenuselecktricleinwention，whichaniliatestime，andcarriesintellagenceinthetwinklingofapeg-post。”’I’llask，’sayshe，’forchildmarkedG。W。273。’”Backcomesthetelegraphwiththesign，’Allright。’”’Askwhathe’sdoing，sir，’saysmywife，quiteamazed。BackcomestheanswerinaJiffy——”’C。R。Y。I。N。G。’”ThiscausedallthebystanderstolaughexcepmyporeMaryHann，whopull’daverysadface。”Thegood-naterdfellerpresentlysaid，’he’dhaveanothertrile；’
andwhatd’yethinkwastheanswer？I’mblestifitwasn’t——”’P。A。P。’”Hewaseatingpap！There’sforyou——there’sarogueforyou——
there’saMarchofIntaleck！MaryHannsmilednowforthefusttime。’He’llsleepnow，’saysshe。Andshesatdownwithafullhart……”Ifheverthatgood-naterdShooperintendentcomestoLondon，HE
needneveraskforhisskoreatthe’WheelofFortuneOtel，’I
promiseyou——wheremeandmywifeandJamesHangelonowis；andwhereonlyyesterdayagentcameinanddrewthispictur*ofusinourbar。
*Thisreferstoanillustratededitionofthework。”Andiftheygoonbreakinggages；andifthechild，themostpreciousluggidgeoftheHenglishman，istobebundledaboutthisyearway，whyitwon’tbeforwantofwarning，bothfromProfessorHarris，theCommission，andfrom”MydearMr。Punch’sobeajentservant，”JEAMESPLUSH。”
THETREMENDOUSADVENTURESOFMAJORGAHAGAN。
CHAPTERI。”TRUTHISSTRANGE，STRANGERTHANFICTION。”
IthinkitbutrightthatinmakingmyappearancebeforethepublicIshouldatonceacquaintthemwithmytitlesandname。Mycard，asIleaveitatthehousesofthenobility，myfriends，isasfollows:——
MAJORGOLIAHO’GRADYGAHAGAN，H。E。I。C。S。，CommandingBattalionofIrregularHorse，AHMEDNUGGAR。
Seeing，Isay，thissimplevisitingticket，theworldwillavoidanyofthoseawkwardmistakesastomyperson，whichhavebeensofrequentoflate。Therehasbeennoendtotheblundersregardingthishumbletitleofmine，andtheconfusiontherebycreated。WhenIpublishedmyvolumeofpoems，forinstance，theMorningPostnewspaperremarked”thattheLyricsoftheHeart，byMissGahagan，mayberankedamongthesweetestflowretsofthepresentspringseason。”TheQuarterlyReview，commentinguponmyObservationsonthePonsAsinorum”4to。London，1836，calledme”DoctorGahagan，”
andsoon。Itwastimetoputanendtothesemistakes，andIhavetakentheabovesimpleremedy。
Iwasurgedtoitbyaveryexaltedpersonage。DininginAugustlastatthepalaceoftheT-lr-esatParis，thelovelyyoungDuch-ssofOrl——nswho，thoughshedoesnotspeakEnglish，understandsitaswellasIdo，saidtomeinthesoftestTeutonic，”LieberHerrMajor，habensiedenAhmednuggarischen-jager-battaliongelassen？””Warumdenn？”saidI，quiteastonishedatherR——lH——ss’squestion。TheP——cessthenspokeofsometriflefrommypen，whichwassimplysignedGoliahGahagan。
Therewas，unluckily，adeadsilenceasH。R。H。putthisquestion。”Commentdonc？”saidH。M。Lo-isPh-l-ppe，lookinggravelyatCountMole；”lecherMajoraquittel’armee！Nicolasdoncseramaitredel’Inde！”H。M——andthePr。M-n-sterpursuedtheirconversationinalowtone，andleftme，asmaybeimaginedinadreadfulstateofconfusion。Iblushedandstuttered，andmurmuredoutafewincoherentwordstoexplain——butitwouldnotdo——IcouldnotrecovermyequanimityduringthecourseofthedinnerandwhileendeavoringtohelpanEnglishDuke，myneighbor，topouletal’Austerlitz，fairlysentsevenmushroomsandthreelargegreasycroutesoverhiswhiskersandshirt-frill。Anotherlaughatmyexpense。”Ah！M。leMajor，”saidtheQ——oftheB-lg——ns，archly，”vousn’aurezjamaisvotrebrevetdeColonel。”HerM——y’sjokewillbebetterunderstoodwhenIstatethathisGraceisthebrotherofaMinister。
Iamnotatlibertytoviolatethesanctityofprivatelife，bymentioningthenamesofthepartiesconcernedinthislittleanecdote。IonlywishtohaveitunderstoodthatIamagentleman，andliveatleastinDECENTsociety。Verbumsat。
Buttobeserious。IamobligedalwaystowritethenameofGoliahinfull，todistinguishmefrommybrother，GregoryGahagan，whowasalsoaMajorintheKing’sservice，andwhomIkilledinaduel，asthepublicmostlikelyknows。PoorGreg！averytrivialdisputewasthecauseofourquarrel，whichneverwouldhaveoriginatedbutforthesimilarityofournames。Thecircumstancewasthis:IhadbeenluckyenoughtorendertheNawaubofLucknowsometriflingserviceinthenotoriousaffairofChoprasjeeMuckjee，andhisHighnesssentdownagoldtoothpick-casedirectedtoCaptainG。Gahagan，whichIofcoursethoughtwasforme:mybrothermadlyclaimedit；wefought，andtheconsequencewas，thatinaboutthreeminuteshereceivedaslashintherightsidecut6，whicheffectuallydidhisbusiness:——hewasagoodswordsmanenough——IwasTHEBESTintheuniverse。Themostridiculouspartoftheaffairis，thatthetoothpick-casewashis，afterall——hehadleftitontheNawaub’stableattiffin。Ican’tconceivewhatmadnesspromptedhimtofightaboutsuchapaltrybauble；hehadmuchbetterhaveyieldeditatonce，whenhesawIwasdeterminedtohaveit。Fromthisslightspecimenofmyadventures，thereaderwillperceivethatmylifehasbeenoneofnoordinaryinterest；
and，infact，ImaysaythatIhaveledamoreremarkablelifethananymanintheservice——Ihavebeenatmorepitchedbattles，ledmoreforlornhopes，hadmoresuccessamongthefairsex，drunkharder，readmore，andbeenahandsomermanthananyofficernowservingherMajesty。
WhenIatfirstwenttoIndiain1802，Iwasarawcornetofseventeen，withblazingredhair，sixfeetfourinheight，athleticatallkindsofexercises，owingmoneytomytailorandeverybodyelsewhowouldtrustme，possessinganIrishbrogue，andmyfullpayof120L。ayear。IneednotsaythatwithalltheseadvantagesIdidthatwhichanumberofcleverfellowshavedonebeforeme——I
fellinlove，andproposedtomarryimmediately。
Buthowtoovercomethedifficulty？——ItistruethatIlovedJuliaJowler——lovedhertomadness；butherfatherintendedherforaMemberofCouncilatleast，andnotforabeggarlyIrishensign。
Itwas，however，myfatetomakethepassagetoIndiaonboardofthe”SamuelSnob”EastIndiaman，CaptainDuffy，withthislovelycreature，andmymisfortuneinstantaneouslytofallinlovewithher。WewerenotoutoftheChannelbeforeIadoredher，worshippedthedeckwhichshetrodupon，kissedathousandtimesthecuddy-chaironwhichsheusedtosit。Thesamemadnessfelloneverymanintheship。ThetwomatesfoughtaboutherattheCape；
thesurgeon，asober，piousScotchman，fromdisappointedaffection，tooksodreadfullytodrinkingastothreatenspontaneouscombustion；andoldColonelLilywhite，carryinghiswifeandsevendaughterstoBengal，sworethathewouldhaveadivorcefromMrs。
L。，andmadeanattemptatsuicide；thecaptainhimselftoldme，withtearsinhiseyes，thathehatedhishitherto-adoredMrs。
Duffy，althoughhehadhadnineteenchildrenbyher。
Weusedtocallherthewitch——therewasmagicinherbeautyandinhervoice。Iwasspell-boundwhenIlookedather，andstarkstaringmadwhenshelookedatme！Olustrousblackeyes！——O
glossynight-blackringlets！——Olips！——Odaintyfrocksofwhitemuslin！——Otinykidslippers！——thougholdandgouty，Gahaganseesyoustill！Irecollect，offAscension，shelookedatmeinherparticularwayonedayatdinner，justasIhappenedtobeblowingonapieceofscaldinghotgreenfat。Iwasstupefiedatonce——I
thrusttheentiremorselabouthalfapoundintomymouth。I
madenoattempttoswallow，ortomasticateit，butleftitthereformanyminutes，burning，burning！Ihadnoskintomypalateforsevenweeksafter，andlivedonrice-waterduringtherestofthevoyage。Theanecdoteistrivial，butitshowsthepowerofJuliaJowleroverme。
Thewritersofmarinenovelshavesoexhaustedthesubjectofstorms，shipwrecks，mutinies，engagements，sea-sickness，andsoforth，thatalthoughIhaveexperiencedeachoftheseinmanyvarietiesIthinkitquiteunnecessarytorecountsuchtriflingadventures；sufficeittosay，thatduringourfivemonths’trajet，mymadpassionforJuliadailyincreased；sodidthecaptain’sandthesurgeon’s；sodidColonelLilywhite’s；sodidthedoctor’s，themate’s——thatofmostpartofthepassengers，andaconsiderablenumberofthecrew。Formyself，Iswore——ensignasIwas——Iwouldwinherformywife；IvowedthatIwouldmakehergloriouswithmysword——thatassoonasIhadmadeafavorableimpressiononmycommandingofficerwhichIdidnotdoubttocreate，Iwouldlayopentohimthestateofmyaffections，anddemandhisdaughter’shand。Withsuchsentimentaloutpouringsdidourvoyagecontinueandconclude。
WelandedattheSunderbundsonagrillinghotdayinDecember，1802，andthenforthemomentJuliaandIseparated。Shewascarriedofftoherpapa’sarmsinapalanquin，surroundedbyatleastfortyhookahbadars；whilstthepoorcornet，attendedbutbytwodandiesandasolitarybeastybywhichunnaturalnametheseblackamoorsarecalled，madehiswayhumblytojointheregimentathead-quarters。
The——thRegimentofBengalCavalry，thenunderthecommandofLieut-ColonelJuliusJowler，C。B。，wasknownthroughoutAsiaandEuropebytheproudtitleoftheBundelcundInvincibles——sogreatwasitscharacterforbravery，soremarkablewereitsservicesinthatdelightfuldistrictofIndia。MajorSirGeorgeGutchwasnextincommand，andTomThrupp，askindafellowaseverranaMahrattathroughthebody，wassecondMajor。WewereontheeveofthatremarkablewarwhichwasspeedilytospreadthroughoutthewholeofIndia，tocallforththevalorofaWellesley，andtheindomitablegallantryofaGahagan；whichwasillustratedbyourvictoriesatAhmednuggarwhereIwasthefirstoverthebarricadeatthestormingofthePettah；atArgaum，whereIslewwithmyownswordtwenty-threematchlock-men，andcutadromedaryintwo；andbythatterribledayofAssaye，whereWellesleywouldhavebeenbeatenbutforme——mealone:Iheadednineteenchargesofcavalry，tookaidedbyonlyfourmenofmyowntroopseventeenfield-pieces，killingthescoundrellyFrenchartillerymen；onthatdayIhadelevenelephantsshotunderme，andcarriedawayScindiah’snose-ringwithapistol-ball。WellesleyisaDukeandaMarshal，IbutasimpleMajorofIrregulars。Suchisfortuneandwar！Butmyfeelingscarrymeawayfrommynarrative，whichhadbetterproceedwithmoreorder。
Onarriving，Isay，atourbarracksatDumDum，IforthefirsttimeputonthebeautifuluniformoftheInvincibles:alightblueswallow-tailedjacketwithsilverlaceandwings，ornamentedwithabout3，000sugar-loafbuttons，rhubarb-coloredleatherinexpressiblestights，andredmoroccobootswithsilverspursandtassels，setofftoadmirationthehandsomepersonsoftheofficersofourcorps。Weworepowderinthosedays；andaregulationpigtailofseventeeninches，abrasshelmetsurroundedbyleopard-skinwithabearskintopandahorsetailfeather，gavetheheadafierceandchivalrousappearance，whichisfarmoreeasilyimaginedthandescribed。
Attiredinthismagnificentcostume，IfirstpresentedmyselfbeforeColonelJowler。Hewashabitedinamannerpreciselysimilar，butnotbeingmorethanfivefeetinheight，andweighingatleastfifteenstone，thedressheworedidnotbecomehimquitesomuchasslimmerandtallermen。FlankedbyhistallMajors，ThruppandGutch，helookedlikeastumpyskittle-ballbetweentwoattenuatedskittles。TheplumplittleColonelreceivedmewithvastcordiality，andIspeedilybecameaprimefavoritewithhimselfandtheotherofficersofthecorps。Jowlerwasthemosthospitableofmen；andgratifyingmyappetiteandmylovetogether，Icontinuallypartookofhisdinners，andfeastedonthesweetpresenceofJulia。
Icanseenow，whatIwouldnotandcouldnotperceiveinthoseearlydays，thatthisMissJowler——onwhomIhadlavishedmyfirstandwarmestlove，whomIhadendowedwithallperfectionandpurity——wasnobetterthanalittleimpudentflirt，whoplayedwithmyfeelings，becauseduringthemonotonyofasea-voyageshehadnoothertoytoplaywith；andwhodesertedothersforme，andmeforothers，justasherwhimorherinterestmightguideher。Shehadnotbeenthreeweeksathead-quarterswhenhalftheregimentwasinlovewithher。Eachandallofthecandidateshadsomefavortoboastof，orsomeencouraginghopesonwhichtobuild。Itwasthesceneofthe”SamuelSnob”overagain，onlyheightenedininterestbyanumberofduels。Thefollowinglistwillgivethereaderanotionofsomeofthem:——
1。CornetGahagan……EnsignHicks，oftheSappersandMiners。
Hicksreceivedaballinhisjaw，andwashalfchokedbyaquantityofcarrotywhiskerforceddownhisthroatwiththeball。
2。Capt。Macgillicuddy，B。N。I。，……CornetGahagan。Iwasrunthroughthebody，buttheswordpassedbetweentheribs，andinjuredmeveryslightly。
3。Capt。Macgillicuddy，B。N。I。，……Mr。Mulligatawny，B。C。S。，Deputy-AssistantViceSub-ControlleroftheBoggleywollahIndigogrounds，Ramgollybranch。
Macgillicuddyshouldhavestucktosword’s-play，andhemighthavecomeoffinhissecondduelaswellasinhisfirst；asitwas，thecivilianplacedaballandapartofMac’sgoldrepeaterinhisstomach。Aremarkablecircumstanceattendedthisshot，anaccountofwhichIsenthometothe”PhilosophicalTransactions:”thesurgeonhadextractedtheball，andwasgoingoff，thinkingthatallwaswell，whenthegoldrepeaterstruckthirteeninpoorMacgillicuddy’sabdomen。Isupposethattheworksmusthavebeendisarrangedinsomewaybythebullet，fortherepeaterwasoneofBarraud’s，neverknowntofailbefore，andthecircumstanceoccurredatSEVENo’clock。*
*Soadmirablearetheperformancesofthesewatches，whichwillstandinanyclimate，thatIrepeatedlyheardpoorMacgillicuddyrelatethefollowingfact。Thehours，asitisknown，countinItalyfromonetotwenty-four:thedayMaclandedatNapleshisrepeaterrungtheItalianhours，fromonetotwenty-four；assoonashecrossedtheAlpsitonlysoundedasusual——G。O’G。G。
Icouldcontinue，almostadinfinitum，anaccountofthewarswhichthisHelenoccasioned，buttheabovethreespecimenswill，Ishouldthink，satisfythepeacefulreader。Idelightnotinscenesofblood，heavenknows，butIwascompelledinthecourseofafewweeks，andforthesakeofthisonewoman，tofightnineduelsmyself，andIknowthatfourtimesasmanymoretookplaceconcerningher。
IforgottosaythatJowler’swifewasahalf-castewoman，whohadbeenbornandbredentirelyinIndia，andwhomtheColonelhadmarriedfromthehouseofhermother，anative。Thereweresomesingularrumorsabroadregardingthislatterlady’shistory:itwasreportedthatshewasthedaughterofanativeRajah，andhadbeencarriedoffbyapoorEnglishsubalterninLordClive’stime。Theyoungmanwaskilledverysoonafter，andlefthischildwithitsmother。TheblackPrinceforgavehisdaughterandbequeathedtoherahandsomesumofmoney。IsupposethatitwasonthisaccountthatJowlermarriedMrs。J。，acreaturewhohadnot，Idobelieve，aChristianname，orasingleChristianquality:shewasahideous，bloated，yellowcreature，withabeard，blackteeth，andredeyes:
shewasfat，lying，ugly，andstingy——shehatedandwashatedbyalltheworld，andbyherjollyhusbandasdevoutlyasbyanyother。Shedidnotpassamonthintheyearwithhim，butspentmostofhertimewithhernativefriends。Iwonderhowshecouldhavegivenbirthtosolovelyacreatureasherdaughter。ThiswomanwasofcoursewiththeColonelwhenJuliaarrived，andthespiceofthedevilinherdaughter’scompositionwasmostcarefullynourishedandfedbyher。IfJuliahadbeenaflirtbefore，shewasadownrightjiltnow；shesetthewholecantonmentbytheears；
shemadewivesjealousandhusbandsmiserable；shecausedallthoseduelsofwhichIhavediscoursedalready，andyetsuchwasthefascinationofTHEWITCHthatIstillthoughtheranangel。Imadecourttothenastymotherinordertobenearthedaughter；andI
listeneduntiringlytoJowler’sinterminabledullstories，becauseIwasoccupiedallthetimeinwatchingthegracefulmovementsofMissJulia。
Butthetrumpetofwarwassoonringinginourears；andonthebattle-fieldGahaganisaman！TheBundelcundInvinciblesreceivedorderstomarch，andJowler，Hector-like，donnedhishelmetandpreparedtopartfromhisAndromache。Andnowarosehisperplexity:whatmustbedonewithhisdaughter，hisJulia？Heknewhiswife’speculiaritiesofliving，anddidnotmuchcaretotrusthisdaughtertoherkeeping；butinvainhetriedtofindheranasylumamongtherespectableladiesofhisregiment。LadyGutchofferedtoreceiveher，butwouldhavenothingtodowithMrs。
Jowler；thesurgeon’swife，Mrs。Sawbone，wouldhaveneithermothernordaughter；therewasnohelpforit，Juliaandhermothermusthaveahousetogether，andJowlerknewthathiswifewouldfillitwithherodiousblackamoorfriends。
Icouldnot，however，goforthsatisfiedtothecampaignuntilI
learnedfromJuliamyfate。Iwatchedtwentyopportunitiestoseeheralone，andwanderedabouttheColonel’sbungalowasaninformerdoesaboutapublic-house，markingtheincomingsandtheoutgoingsofthefamily，andlongingtoseizethemomentwhenMissJowler，unbiassedbyhermotherorherpapa，mightlisten，perhaps，tomyeloquence，andmeltatthetaleofmylove。
Butitwouldnotdo——oldJowlerseemedtohavetakenallofasuddentosuchafitofdomesticity，thattherewasnofindinghimoutofdoors，andhisrhubarb-coloredwifeIbelievethatherskingavethefirstideaofourregimentalbreeches，whobeforehadbeengaddingceaselesslyabroad，andpokingherbroadnoseintoeverymenageinthecantonment，stoppedfaithfullyathomewithherspouse。Myonlychancewastobeardtheoldcoupleintheirden，andaskthematoncefortheircub。
SoIcalledonedayattiffin:——oldJowlerwasalwayshappytohavemycompanyatthismeal；itamusedhim，hesaid，toseemedrinkHodgson’spalealeIdranktwohundredandthirty-fourdozenthefirstyearIwasinBengal——anditwasnosmallpieceoffun，certainly，toseeoldMrs。Jowlerattackthecurrie-bhaut；——shewasexactlythecolorofit，asIhavehadalreadythehonortoremark，andsheswallowedthemixturewithagustowhichwasneverequalled，exceptbymypoorfriendDandoaproposd’huitres。Sheconsumedthefirstthreeplatefulswithaforkandspoon，likeaChristian；butasshewarmedtoherwork，theoldhagwouldthrowawayhersilverimplements，anddraggingthedishestowardsher，gotoworkwithherhands，flipthericeintohermouthwithherfingers，andstowawayaquantityofeatablessufficientforasepoycompany。ButwhydoIdivergefromthemainpointofmystory？
Julia，then，Jowler，andMrs。J。wereatluncheon:thedeargirlwasintheacttosableraglassofHodgsonasIentered。”Howdoyoudo，Mr。Gagin？”saidtheoldhag，leeringly。”Eatabito’
currie-bhaut，”——andshethrustthedishtowardsme，securingaheapasitpassed。”What！Gagymyboy，howdo，howdo？”saidthefatColonel。”What！runthroughthebody？——gotwellagain——havesomeHodgson——runthroughyourbodytoo！”——andatthis，Imaysay，coarsejokealludingtothefactthatinthesehotclimatesthealeoozesoutasitwerefromtheporesoftheskinoldJowlerlaughed:ahostofswarthychobdars，kitmatgars，sices，consomahs，andbobbychieslaughedtoo，astheyprovidedme，unasked，withthegratefulfluid。Swallowingsixtumblersofit，Ipausednervouslyforamoment，andthensaid——”Bobbachy，consomah，ballybaloohoga。”
Theblackruffianstookthehintandretired。”ColonelandMrs。Jowler，”saidIsolemnly，”wearealone；andyou，MissJowler，youarealonetoo；thatis——Imean——Itakethisopportunityto——anotherglassofale，ifyouplease——toexpress，onceforall，beforedepartingonadangerouscampaign”——Juliaturnedpale——”beforeentering，Isay，uponawarwhichmaystretchinthedustmyhigh-raisedhopesandme，toexpressmyhopeswhilelifestillremainstome，andtodeclareinthefaceofheaven，earth，andColonelJowler，thatIloveyou，Julia！”TheColonel，astonished，letfallasteelfork，whichstuckquiveringforsomeminutesinthecalfofmyleg；butIheedednotthepaltryinterruption。”Yes，byyonbrightheaven，”continuedI，”Iloveyou，Julia！Irespectmycommander，Iesteemyourexcellentandbeauteousmother；tellme，beforeIleaveyou，ifImayhopeforareturnofmyaffection。Saythatyouloveme，andIwilldosuchdeedsinthiscomingwarasshallmakeyouproudofthenameofyourGahagan。”
Theoldwoman，asIdeliveredthesetouchingwords，stared，snapped，andgroundherteeth，likeanenragedmonkey。Juliawasnowred，nowwhite；theColonelstretchedforward，tooktheforkoutofthecalfofmyleg，wipedit，andthenseizedabundleofletterswhichIhadremarkedbyhisside。”Acornet！”saidhe，inavoicechokingwithemotion；”apitiful，beggarlyIrishcornetaspiretothehandofJuliaJowler！Gag，Gahagan，areyoumad，orlaughingatus？Lookattheseletters，youngman——attheseletters，Isay——onehundredandtwenty-fourepistlesfromeverypartofIndianotincludingonefromtheGovernor-General，andsixfromhisbrother，ColonelWellesley，——
onehundredandtwenty-fourproposalsforthehandofMissJowler！
CornetGahagan，”hecontinued，”Iwishtothinkwellofyou:youarethebravest，themostmodest，and，perhaps，thehandsomestmaninourcorps；butyouhavenotgotasinglerupee。YouaskmeforJulia，andyoudonotpossessevenananna！”——Heretheoldroguegrinned，asifhehadmadeacapitalpun——”No，no，”saidhe，waxinggood-natured；”Gagy，myboy，itisnonsense！Julia，love，retirewithyourmamma；thissillyyounggentlemanwillremainandsmokeapipewithme。”
Itookone；itwasthebitterestchillumIeversmokedinmylife