’Well，dahwasmyolemangone，an’allmychil’en，allmysevenchil’en——an’sixof’emIhain’tseteyesonag’intodisday，an’dat’stwenty-twoyearagolas’Easter。Demandatboughtmeb’long’inNewbern，an’hetookmedah。Well，bymebydeyearsrollonan’dewawcome。MymarsterhewasaConfedritcolonel，an’Iwashisfamily’scook。SowhendeUnionstookdattowndeyallrunawayan’lef’meallbymyse’fwiddeotherniggersindatmons’usbighouse。SodebigUnionofficersmoveindah，an’deyaskmewouldIcookfordem。’Lordblessyou，’saysI，’datwhatI’sfor。’
“Deywa’n’tnosmall-fryofficers，mineyou，dewasdebiggestdeyis;
an’dewaydeymadedemsojersmoseyroun’！，DeGen’lhetolemetobossdatkitchen;an’hesay，’Ifanybodycomemeddlin’widyou，youjistmake’emwalkchalk;don’tyoubeafeared，’hesay;’you’s’mongfrensnow。’
“Well，Ithinkstomyse’f，ifmylittleHenryevergotachancetorunaway，he’dmaketodeNorf，o’course。SoonedayIcomesindahwhardebigofficerswas，indeparlor，an’Idropsakurtchy，so，an’Iupan’
tole’em’boutmyHenry，deya-listenin’tomytroublesjistdesameasifIwaswhitefolks;an’Isays，’WhatIcomeforisbeca’seifhegotawayandgotupNorfwharyougemmencomesfrom，youmight’a’seenhim，maybe，an’couldtellmesoasIcouldfinehimag’in;hewasverylittle，an’hehadask-yaronhislef’wris’an’atdetopofhisforehead。’Dendeylookmournful，an’deGen’lsays，’Howlongsenceyoulos’him？’an’Isay，’Thirteenyear。DendeGen’lsay，’Hewouldn’tbelittlenomo’now——he’saman！’
“Ineverthoughto’datbefo’！，Hewasonlydatlittlefellertomeyit。
Ineverthought’bouthimgrowin’upan’bein’big。ButIseeitden。
Noneo’degemmenhadrunacrosthim，sodeycouldn’tdonothin’forme。
Butalldattime，do’Ididn’tknowit，myHenrywasrunofftodeNorf，yearsan’years，an’hewasabarber，too，an’workedforhisse’f。An’
bymeby，whendewawcomeheupsan’hesays：’I’sdonebarberin’，’hesays，’I’sgwynetofinemyolemammy，less’nshe’sdead。’，Sohesoleoutan’wenttowhardeywasrecruitin’，an’hiredhisse’fouttodecolonelforhisservantan’denhewentallfroodebattleseverywhah，huntin’forhisolemammy;yes，indeedy，he’dhiretofustoneofficeran’denanother，tellhe’dransackeddewholeSouf;butyouseeIdidn’tknownuffin’boutdis。HowwasIgwynetoknowit？
“Well，onenightwehadabigsojerball;desojersdahatNewbernwasalwayshavin’ballsan’carryin’on。Deyhad’eminmykitchen，heapso’
times，’ca’seitwassobig。Mineyou，Iwasdownonsichdoin’s;
beca’semyplacewaswiddeofficers，an’itraspmetohavedemcommonsojerscavortin’roun’inmykitchenlikedat。ButIalway’stoodaroun’
ankep’thingsstraight，Idid;an’sometimesdey’dgitmydanderup，an’
denI’dmake’emclardatkitchenmineItellyou！
“Well，onenight——itwasaFridaynight——deycomesawholeplatoonf’maniggerridgmentdawasonguardatdehouse——dehousewasheadquarters，youknow-an’denIwasjista-bilin’mad？，Iwasjista-boomin’！，I
swelledaroun’，answelledaroun’;Ijistwasa-itchin’for’emtodosomefinfortostartme。An’deywasa-waltzin’anadancin’！mybutdeywashavin’atime！anIjista-swellin’an’a-swellin’up！，Pootysoon，’longcomessichaspruceyoungniggera-sailin’downderoomwidayallerwenchroun’dewais’;an’rounan’roun’anroun’deywent，enoughtomakeabodydrunktolookat’em;an’whendeygotabreas’o’me，deywenttokin’o’balancin’aroun’fustononelegan’denont’other，an’
smilin’atmybigredturban，an’makin’fun，an’Iupsan’says’Gitalongwidyou！——rubbage！’，Deyoungman’sfacekin’o’changed，allofasudden，for’boutasecondbutdenhewenttosmilin’ag’in，sameashewasbefo’。Well，’boutdistime，incomessomeniggersdatplayedmusicandb’long’todeban’，an’deynevercouldgitalongwidoutputtin’onairs。Andeveryfustairdeyputondatnight，Ilitintoem！，Deylaughed，an’datmademewuss。Deres’o’deniggersgottolaughin’，an’denmysoulalivebutIwashot！，Myeyewasjista-blazin’！，Ijiststraightenedmyselfupso——jistasIisnow，plumtodeceilin’，mos’——
an’Idigsmyfistsintomyhips，an’Isays，’Look-a-heah！’Isays，’I
wantyouniggerstounderstan’datIwa’n’tbawnindemashtobefool’
bytrash！，I’soneo’deoleBluehen’sChickens，Iis！’an’denIseedatyoungmanstan’a-starin’an’stiff，lookin’kin’o’upatdeceilin’
likehefo’gotsomefin，an’couldn’t’memberitnomo’。Well，Ijistmarch’ondemniggers——so，lookin’likeagen’l——an’deyjistcave’awaybefo’mean’outatdedo’。An’asdisyoungmana-goin’out，Iheahhimsaytoanothernigger，’Jim，’hesays，’yougo’longan’telldecap’nI
beonhan’’bouteighto’clockindemawnin’;dey’ssomefinonmymine，’
hesays;’Idon’tsleepnomo’disnight。Yougo’long，’hesays，’an’
leavemebymyownse’f。’
“Diswas’boutoneo’clockindemawnin’。Well，’boutseven，Iwasupan’onhan’，gittin’deofficers’breakfast。Iwasa-stoopin’downbydestovejistso，sameasifyo’footwasdestove——an’I’dopeneddestovedo’widmyrighthan’——so，pushin’itback，jistasIpushesyo’foot——
an’I’djistgotdepano’hotbiscuitsinmyhan’an’was’bouttoraiseup，whenIseeablackfacecomearoun’undermine，an’deeyesa-lookin’
upintomine，jistasI’sa-lookin’upclostunderyo’facenow;an’I
jiststoppedrightdah，an’neverbudged！jistgazedan’gazedso;an’depanbegintotremble，an’allofasuddenIknowed！，Depandrop’ondeflo’an’Igrabhislef’han’an’shovebackhissleeve——jistso，asI’sdoin’toyou——an’denIgoesforhisforeheadan’pushdehairbackso，an’’Boy！’Isays，’ifyouan’tmyHenry，whatisyoudoin’widdisweltonyo’wris’an’datsk-yaronyo’forehead？，DeLordGodobheavenbepraise’，Igotmyownag’in！’
“Ohno’MistoC——，Ihain’thadnotrouble。An’nojoy！”
THESIAMESETWINS——[Writtenabout1868。]
Idonotwishtowriteofthepersonalhabitsofthesestrangecreaturessolely，butalsoofcertaincuriousdetailsofvariouskindsconcerningthem，which，belongingonlytotheirprivatelife，havenevercreptintoprint。KnowingtheTwinsintimately，IfeelthatIampeculiarlywellqualifiedforthetaskIhavetakenuponmyself。
TheSiameseTwinsarenaturallytenderandaffectionateindisposition，andhaveclungtoeachotherwithsingularfidelitythroughoutalongandeventfullife。Evenaschildrentheywereinseparablecompanions;anditwasnoticedthattheyalwaysseemedtoprefereachother’ssocietytothatofanyotherpersons。Theynearlyalwaysplayedtogether;and，soaccustomedwastheirmothertothispeculiarity，that，wheneverbothofthemchancedtobelost，sheusuallyonlyhuntedforoneofthem——
satisfiedthatwhenshefoundthatoneshewouldfindhisbrothersomewhereintheimmediateneighborhood。Andyetthesecreatureswereignorantandunlettered-barbariansthemselvesandtheoffspringofbarbarians，whoknewnotthelightofphilosophyandscience。Whatawitheringrebukeisthistoourboastedcivilization，withitsquarrelings，itswranglings，anditsseparationsofbrothers！
Asmen，theTwinshavenotalwayslivedinperfectaccord;butstilltherehasalwaysbeenabondbetweenthemwhichmadethemunwillingtogoawayfromeachotheranddwellapart。Theyhaveevenoccupiedthesamehouse，asageneralthing，anditisbelievedthattheyhaveneverfailedtoevensleeptogetheronanynightsincetheywereborn。Howsurelydothehabitsofalifetimebecomesecondnaturetous！，TheTwinsalwaysgotobedatthesametime;butChangusuallygetsupaboutanhourbeforehisbrother。Byanunderstandingbetweenthemselves，ChangdoesalltheindoorworkandEngrunsalltheerrands。ThisisbecauseEnglikestogoout;Chang’shabitsaresedentary。However，Changalwaysgoesalong。
EngisaBaptist，butChangisaRomanCatholic;still，topleasehisbrother，ChangconsentedtobebaptizedatthesametimethatEngwas，onconditionthatitshouldnot“count。”，Duringthewartheywerestrongpartisans，andbothfoughtgallantlyallthroughthegreatstruggle——EngontheUnionsideandChangontheConfederate。TheytookeachotherprisonersatSevenOaks，buttheproofsofcaptureweresoevenlybalancedinfavorofeach，thatageneralarmycourthadtobeassembledtodeterminewhichonewasproperlythecaptorandwhichthecaptive。
Thejurywasunabletoagreeforalongtime;butthevexedquestionwasfinallydecidedbyagreeingtoconsiderthembothprisoners，andthenexchangingthem。AtonetimeChangwasconvictedofdisobedienceoforders，andsentencedtotendaysintheguard-house，butEng，inspiteofallarguments，feltobligedtosharehisimprisonment，notwithstandinghehimselfwasentirelyinnocent;andso，tosavetheblamelessbrotherfromsuffering，theyhadtodischargebothfromcustody——thejustrewardoffaithfulness。
Upononeoccasionthebrothersfelloutaboutsomething，andChangknockedEngdown，andthentrippedandfellonhim，whereuponbothclinchedandbegantobeatandgougeeachotherwithoutmercy。Thebystandersinterfered，andtriedtoseparatethem，buttheycouldnotdoit，andsoallowedthemtofightitout。Intheendbothweredisabled，andwerecarriedtothehospitalononeandthesameshutter。
Theirancienthabitofgoingalwaystogetherhaditsdrawbackswhentheyreachedman’sestate，andenteredupontheluxuryofcourting。Bothfellinlovewiththesamegirl。Eachtriedtostealclandestineinterviewswithher，butatthecriticalmomenttheotherwouldalwaysturnup。
ByandbyEngsaw，withdistraction，thatChanghadwonthegirl’saffections;and，fromthatdayforth，hehadtobearwiththeagonyofbeingawitnesstoalltheirdaintybillingandcooing。Butwithamagnanimitythatdidhiminfinitecredit，hesuccumbedtohisfate，andgavecountenanceandencouragementtoastateofthingsthatbadefairtosunderhisgenerousheart-strings。Hesatfromseveneveryeveninguntiltwointhemorning，listeningtothefondfoolishnessofthetwolovers，andtotheconcussionofhundredsofsquanderedkisses——fortheprivilegeofsharingonlyoneofwhichhewouldhavegivenhisrighthand。Buthesatpatiently，andwaited，andgaped，andyawned，andstretched，andlongedfortwoo’clocktocome。Andhetooklongwalkswiththeloversonmoonlightevenings——sometimestraversingtenmiles，notwithstandinghewasusuallysufferingfromrheumatism。Heisaninveteratesmoker;buthecouldnotsmokeontheseoccasions，becausetheyoungladywaspainfullysensitivetothesmelloftobacco。Engcordiallywantedthemmarried，anddonewithit;butalthoughChangoftenaskedthemomentousquestion，theyoungladycouldnotgathersufficientcouragetoansweritwhileEngwasby。However，ononeoccasion，afterhavingwalkedsomesixteenmiles，andsatuptillnearlydaylight，Engdroppedasleep，fromsheerexhaustion，andthenthequestionwasaskedandanswered。Theloversweremarried。Allacquaintedwiththecircumstanceapplaudedthenoblebrother-in-law。Hisunwaveringfaithfulnesswasthethemeofeverytongue。Hehadstayedbythemallthroughtheirlongandarduouscourtship;andwhenatlasttheyweremarried，heliftedhishandsabovetheirheads，andsaidwithimpressiveunction，“Blessye，mychildren，I
willneverdesertye！”andhekepthisword。Fidelitylikethisisalltoorareinthiscoldworld。
ByandbyEngfellinlovewithhissister-in-law’ssister，andmarriedher，andsincethatdaytheyhavealllivedtogether，nightandday，inanexceedingsociabilitywhichistouchingandbeautifultobehold，andisascathingrebuketoourboastedcivilization。
Thesympathyexistingbetweenthesetwobrothersissocloseandsorefinedthatthefeelings，theimpulses，theemotionsoftheoneareinstantlyexperiencedbytheother。Whenoneissick，theotherissick;
whenonefeelspain，theotherfeelsit;whenoneisangered，theother’stempertakesfire。Wehavealreadyseenwithwhathappyfacilitytheybothfellinlovewiththesamegirl。NowChangisbitterlyopposedtoallformsofintemperance，onprinciple;butEngisthereverse——for，whilethesemen’sfeelingsandemotionsaresocloselywedded，theirreasoningfacultiesareunfettered;theirthoughtsarefree。ChangbelongstotheGoodTemplars，andisahard——working，enthusiasticsupporterofalltemperancereforms。But，tohisbitterdistress，everynowandthenEnggetsdrunk，and，ofcourse，thatmakesChangdrunktoo。
ThisunfortunatethinghasbeenagreatsorrowtoChang，foritalmostdestroyshisusefulnessinhisfavoritefieldofeffort。AssureasheistoheadagreattemperanceprocessionEngrangesupalongsideofhim，prompttotheminute，anddrunkasalord;butyetnomoredismallyandhopelesslydrunkthanhisbrother，whohasnottastedadrop。Andsothetwobegintohootandyell，andthrowmudandbricksattheGoodTemplars;and，ofcourse，theybreakuptheprocession。ItwouldbemanifestlywrongtopunishChangforwhatEngdoes，and，therefore，theGoodTemplarsaccepttheuntowardsituation，andsufferinsilenceandsorrow。Theyhaveofficiallyanddeliberatelyexaminedintothematter，andfindChangblameless。TheyhavetakenthetwobrothersandfilledChangfullofwarmwaterandsugarandEngfullofwhisky，andintwenty-
fiveminutesitwasnotpossibletotellwhichwasthedrunkest。Bothwereasdrunkasloons——andonhotwhiskypunches，bythesmelloftheirbreath。YetallthewhileChang’smoralprincipleswereunsullied，hisconscienceclear;andsoalljustmenwereforcedtoconfessthathewasnotmorally，butonlyphysically，drunk。Byeveryrightandbyeverymoralevidencethemanwasstrictlysober;and，therefore，itcausedhisfriendsallthemoreanguishtoseehimshakehandswiththepumpandtrytowindhiswatchwithhisnight-key。
Thereisamoralinthesesolemnwarnings——or，atleast，awarninginthesesolemnmorals;oneortheother。Nomatter，itissomehow。Letusheedit;letusprofitbyit。
Icouldsaymoreofaninstructivenatureabouttheseinterestingbeings，butletwhatIhavewrittensuffice。
Havingforgottentomentionitsooner，IwillremarkinconclusionthattheagesoftheSiameseTwinsarerespectivelyfifty-oneandfifty-threeyears。
SPEECHATTHESCOTTISHBANQUETINLONDON——[Writtenabout1872。]
OntheanniversaryfestivaloftheScottishCorporationofLondononMondayevening，inresponsetothetoastof“TheLadies，“MARKTWAIN
replied。ThefollowingishisspeechasreportedintheLondonObserver：
Iamproud，indeed，ofthedistinctionofbeingchosentorespondtothisespecialtoast，to’TheLadies，’ortowomenifyouplease，forthatisthepreferableterm，perhaps;itiscertainlytheolder，andthereforethemoreentitledtoreverence[Laughter。]，IhavenoticedthattheBible，withthatplain，blunthonestywhichissuchaconspicuouscharacteristicoftheScriptures，isalwaysparticulartoneverrefertoeventheillustriousmotherofallmankindherselfasa’lady，’butspeaksofherasawoman，[Laughter。]，Itisodd，butyouwillfinditisso。Iampeculiarlyproudofthishonor，becauseIthinkthatthetoasttowomenisonewhich，byrightandbyeveryruleofgallantry，shouldtakeprecedenceofallothers——ofthearmy，ofthenavy，ofevenroyaltyitselfperhaps，thoughthelatterisnotnecessaryinthisdayandinthisland，forthereasonthat，tacitly，youdodrinkabroadgeneralhealthtoallgoodwomenwhenyoudrinkthehealthoftheQueenofEnglandandthePrincessofWales。[Loudcheers。]，Ihaveinmindapoemjustnowwhichisfamiliartoyouall，familiartoeverybody。Andwhataninspirationthatwasandhowinstantlythepresenttoastrecallstheversestoallourmindswhenthemostnoble，themostgracious，thepurest，andsweetestofallpoetssays：
“Woman！，Owoman！——er——
Wom——“
[Laughter。]，However，yourememberthelines;andyourememberhowfeelingly，howdaintily，howalmostimperceptiblytheversesraiseupbeforeyou，featurebyfeature，theidealofatrueandperfectwoman;
andhow，asyoucontemplatethefinishedmarvel，yourhomagegrowsintoworshipoftheintellectthatcouldcreatesofairathingoutofmerebreath，merewords。Andyoucalltomindnow，asIspeak，howthepoet，withsternfidelitytothehistoryofallhumanity，deliversthisbeautifulchildofhisheartandhisbrainovertothetrialsandsorrowsthatmustcometoall，soonerorlater，thatabideintheearth，andhowthepatheticstoryculminatesinthatapostrophe——sowild，soregretful，sofullofmournfulretrospection。Thelinesrunthus：
“Alas！——alas！——a——alas！——
Alas！——alas！”——
andsoon。[Laughter。]Idonotremembertherest;but，takentogether，itseemstomethatpoemisthenoblesttributetowomanthathumangeniushaseverbroughtforth——[laughter——andIfeelthatifI
weretotalkhoursIcouldnotdomygreatthemecompleterormoregracefuljusticethanIhavenowdoneinsimplyquotingthatpoet’smatchlesswords。[Renewedlaughter。]Thephasesofthewomanlynatureareinfiniteintheirvariety。Takeanytypeofwoman，andyoushallfindinitsomethingtorespect，somethingtoadmire，somethingtolove。
Andyoushallfindthewholejoiningyouheartandhand。WhowasmorepatrioticthanJoanofArc？，Whowasbraver？，Whohasgivenusagranderinstanceofself-sacrificingdevotion？，Ah！youremember，yourememberwell，whatathrobofpain，whatagreattidalwaveofgriefsweptoverusallwhenJoanofArcfellatWaterloo。[Muchlaughter。]，WhodoesnotsorrowforthelossofSappho，thesweetsingerofIsrael？，[Laughter。]
Whoamongusdoesnotmissthegentleministrations，thesofteninginfluences，thehumblepietyofLucretiaBorgia？，[Laughter。]，WhocanjoinintheheartlesslibelthatsayswomanisextravagantindresswhenhecanlookbackandcalltomindoursimpleandlowlymotherEvearrayedinhermodificationoftheHighlandcostume。[Roarsoflaughter。]
Sir，womenhavebeensoldiers，womenhavebeenpainters，womenhavebeenpoets。AslongaslanguagelivesthenameofCleopatrawilllive。
And，notbecausesheconqueredGeorgeIII。[laughter]——butbecauseshewrotethosedivinelines：
“Letdogsdelighttobarkandbite，ForGodhathmadethemso。”
[Morelaughter。]，Thestoryoftheworldisadornedwiththenamesofillustriousonesofourownsex——someofthemsonsofSt。Andrew，too——
Scott，Bruce，Burns，thewarriorWallace，BenNevis——[laughter]——thegiftedBenLomond，andthegreatnewScotchman，BenDisraeli。[Greatlaughter。]，Outofthegreatplainsofhistorytowerwholemountainrangesofsublimewomen——theQueenofSheba，Josephine，Semiramis，SaireyGamp;thelistisendless——[laughter]——butIwillnotcallthemightyroll，thenamesriseupinyourownmemoriesatthemeresuggestion，luminouswiththegloryofdeedsthatcannotdie，hallowedbythelovingworshipofthegoodandthetrueofallepochsandallclimes。[Cheers。]
SufficeitforourprideandourhonorthatweinourdayhaveaddedtoitsuchnamesasthoseofGraceDarlingandFlorenceNightingale。
[Cheers。]，Womanisallthatsheshouldbe-gentle，patient，longsuffering，trustful，unselfish，fullofgenerousimpulses。Itisherblessedmissiontocomfortthesorrowing，pleadfortheerring，encouragethefaintofpurpose，succorthedistressed，upliftthefallen，befriendthefriendlessinaword，affordthehealingofhersympathiesandahomeinherheartforallthebruisedandpersecutedchildrenofmisfortunethatknockatitshospitabledoor。[Cheers。]，AndwhenIsay，Godblessher，thereisnoneamonguswhohasknowntheennoblingaffectionofawife，orthesteadfastdevotionofamother，butinhisheartwillsay，Amen！，[Loudandprolongedcheering。]——
[Mr。BenjaminDisraeli，atthattimePrimeMinisterofEngland，hadjustbeenelectedLordRectorofGlasgowUniversity，andhadmadeaspeechwhichgaverisetoaworldofdiscussion。]
AGHOSTSTORY
Itookalargeroom，farupBroadway，inahugeoldbuildingwhoseupperstorieshadbeenwhollyunoccupiedforyearsuntilIcame。Theplacehadlongbeengivenuptodustandcobwebs，tosolitudeandsilence。
Iseemedgropingamongthetombsandinvadingtheprivacyofthedead，thatfirstnightIclimbeduptomyquarters。Forthefirsttimeinmylifeasuperstitiousdreadcameoverme;andasIturnedadarkangleofthestairwayandaninvisiblecobwebswungitsslazywoofinmyfaceandclungthere，Ishudderedasonewhohadencounteredaphantom。
IwasgladenoughwhenIreachedmyroomandlockedoutthemoldandthedarkness。Acheeryfirewasburninginthegrate，andIsatdownbeforeitwithacomfortingsenseofrelief。FortwohoursIsatthere，thinkingofbygonetimes;recallingoldscenes，andsummoninghalf-
forgottenfacesoutofthemistsofthepast;listening，infancy，tovoicesthatlongagogrewsilentforalltime，andtooncefamiliarsongsthatnobodysingsnow。Andasmyreveriesofteneddowntoasadderandsadderpathos，theshriekingofthewindsoutsidesoftenedtoawail，theangrybeatingoftherainagainstthepanesdiminishedtoatranquilpatter，andonebyonethenoisesinthestreetsubsided，untilthehurryingfootstepsofthelastbelatedstragglerdiedawayinthedistanceandleftnosoundbehind。
Thefirehadburnedlow。Asenseoflonelinesscreptoverme。Iaroseandundressed，movingontiptoeabouttheroom，doingstealthilywhatI
hadtodo，asifIwereenvironedbysleepingenemieswhoseslumbersitwouldbefataltobreak。Icoveredupinbed，andlaylisteningtotherainandwindandthefaintcreakingofdistantshutters，tilltheylulledmetosleep。
Isleptprofoundly，buthowlongIdonotknow。AllatonceIfoundmyselfawake，andfilledwithashudderingexpectancy。Allwasstill。
Allbutmyownheart——Icouldhearitbeat。Presentlythebedclothesbegantoslipawayslowlytowardthefootofthebed，asifsomeonewerepullingthem！，Icouldnotstir;Icouldnotspeak。Stilltheblanketsslippeddeliberatelyaway，tillmybreastwasuncovered。ThenwithagreateffortIseizedthemanddrewthemovermyhead。Iwaited，listened，waited。Oncemorethatsteadypullbegan，andoncemoreIlaytorpidacenturyofdraggingsecondstillmybreastwasnakedagain。AtlastIrousedmyenergiesandsnatchedthecoversbacktotheirplaceandheldthemwithastronggrip。Iwaited。ByandbyIfeltafainttug，andtookafreshgrip。Thetugstrengthenedtoasteadystrain——itgrewstrongerandstronger。Myholdparted，andforthethirdtimetheblanketsslidaway。Igroaned。Anansweringgroancamefromthefootofthebed！，Beadeddropsofsweatstooduponmyforehead。Iwasmoredeadthanalive。PresentlyIheardaheavyfootstepinmyroom——thestepofanelephant，itseemedtome——itwasnotlikeanythinghuman。Butitwasmovingfromme——therewasreliefinthat。Ihearditapproachthedoor——
passoutwithoutmovingboltorlock——andwanderawayamongthedismalcorridors，strainingthefloorsandjoiststilltheycreakedagainasitpassed——andthensilencereignedoncemore。
Whenmyexcitementhadcalmed，Isaidtomyself，“Thisisadream——simplyahideousdream。”，AndsoIlaythinkingitoveruntilIconvincedmyselfthatitwasadream，andthenacomfortinglaughrelaxedmylipsandI
washappyagain。Igotupandstruckalight;andwhenIfoundthatthelocksandboltswerejustasIhadleftthem，anothersoothinglaughwelledinmyheartandrippledfrommylips。Itookmypipeandlitit，andwasjustsittingdownbeforethefire，when-downwentthepipeoutofmynervelessfingers，thebloodforsookmycheeks，andmyplacidbreathingwascutshortwithagasp！，Intheashesonthehearth，sidebysidewithmyownbarefootprint，wasanother，sovastthatincomparisonminewasbutaninfant’s！，ThenIhadhadavisitor，andtheelephanttreadwasexplained。
Iputoutthelightandreturnedtobed，palsiedwithfear。Ilayalongtime，peeringintothedarkness，andlistening——ThenIheardagratingnoiseoverhead，likethedraggingofaheavybodyacrossthefloor;thenthethrowingdownofthebody，andtheshakingofmywindowsinresponsetotheconcussion。IndistantpartsofthebuildingIheardthemuffledslammingofdoors。Iheard，atintervals，stealthyfootstepscreepinginandoutamongthecorridors，andupanddownthestairs。Sometimesthesenoisesapproachedmydoor，hesitated，andwentawayagain。Iheardtheclankingofchainsfaintly，inremotepassages，andlistenedwhiletheclankinggrewnearer——whileitwearilyclimbedthestairways，markingeachmovebytheloosesurplusofchainthatfellwithanaccentedrattleuponeachsucceedingstepasthegoblinthatboreitadvanced。Iheardmutteredsentences;half-utteredscreamsthatseemedsmotheredviolently;
andtheswishofinvisiblegarments，therushofinvisiblewings。ThenI
becameconsciousthatmychamberwasinvaded——thatIwasnotalone。
Iheardsighsandbreathingsaboutmybed，andmysteriouswhisperings。
Threelittlespheresofsoftphosphorescentlightappearedontheceilingdirectlyovermyhead，clungandglowedthereamoment，andthendropped——twoofthemuponmyfaceandoneuponthepillow。They，spattered，liquidly，andfeltwarm。Intuitiontoldmetheyhad——turnedtogoutsofbloodastheyfell——Ineedednolighttosatisfymyselfofthat。ThenI
sawpallidfaces，dimlyluminous，andwhiteupliftedhands，floatingbodilessintheair——floatingamomentandthendisappearing。
Thewhisperingceased，andthevoicesandthesounds，analasolemnstillnessfollowed。Iwaitedandlistened。IfeltthatImusthavelightordie。Iwasweakwithfear。Islowlyraisedmyselftowardasittingposture，andmyfacecameincontactwithaclammyhand！
Allstrengthwentfrommeapparently，andIfellbacklikeastrickeninvalid。ThenIheardtherustleofagarmentitseemedtopasstothedoorandgoout。
Wheneverythingwasstilloncemore，Icreptoutofbed，sickandfeeble，andlitthegaswithahandthattrembledasifitwereagedwithahundredyears。Thelightbroughtsomelittlecheertomyspirits。Isatdownandfellintoadreamycontemplationofthatgreatfootprintintheashes。Byandbyitsoutlinesbegantowaverandgrowdim。Iglancedupandthebroadgas-flamewasslowlywiltingaway。InthesamemomentI
heardthatelephantinetreadagain。Inoteditsapproach，nearerandnearer，alongthemustyhalls，anddimmeranddimmerthelightwaned。
Thetreadreachedmyverydoorandpaused——thelighthaddwindledtoasicklyblue，andallthingsaboutmelayinaspectraltwilight。Thedoordidnotopen，andyetIfeltafaintgustofairfanmycheek，andpresentlywasconsciousofahuge，cloudypresencebeforeme。Iwatcheditwithfascinatedeyes。ApaleglowstoleovertheThing;graduallyitscloudyfoldstookshape——anarmappeared，thenlegs，thenabody，andlastagreatsadfacelookedoutofthevapor。Strippedofitsfilmyhousings，naked，muscularandcomely，themajesticCardiffGiantloomedaboveme！
Allmymiseryvanished——forachildmightknowthatnoharmcouldcomewiththatbenignantcountenance。Mycheerfulspiritsreturnedatonce，andinsympathywiththemthegasflamedupbrightlyagain。NeveralonelyoutcastwassogladtowelcomecompanyasIwastogreetthefriendlygiant。Isaid：
“Why，isitnobodybutyou？，Doyouknow，Ihavebeenscaredtodeathforthelasttwoorthreehours？，Iammosthonestlygladtoseeyou。IwishIhadachair——Here，here，don’ttrytositdowninthatthing——
Butitwastoolate。HewasinitbeforeIcouldstophimanddownhewent——Ineversawachairshiveredsoinmylife。
“Stop，stop，you’llruinev——“
Toolateagain。Therewasanothercrash，andanotherchairwasresolvedintoitsoriginalelements。
“Confoundit，haven’tyougotanyjudgmentat’all？，Doyouwanttoruinallthefurnitureontheplace？，Here，here，youpetrifiedfool——“
Butitwasnouse。BeforeIcouldarresthimhehadsatdownonthebed，anditwasamelancholyruin。
“Nowwhatsortofawayisthattodo？，Firstyoucomelumberingabouttheplacebringingalegionofvagabondgoblinsalongwithyoutoworrymetodeath，andthenwhenIoverlookanindelicacyofcostumewhichwouldnotbetoleratedanywherebycultivatedpeopleexceptinarespectabletheater，andnoteventhereifthenuditywereofyoursex，yourepaymebywreckingallthefurnitureyoucanfindtositdownon。
Andwhywillyou？，Youdamageyourselfasmuchasyoudome。Youhavebrokenofftheendofyourspinalcolumn，andlitteredupthefloorwithchipsofyourhamstilltheplacelookslikeamarbleyard。Yououghttobeashamedofyourself——youarebigenoughtoknowbetter。”
“Well，Iwillnotbreakanymorefurniture。ButwhatamItodo？，Ihavenothadachancetositdownforacentury。”，Andthetearscameintohiseyes。
“Poordevil，“Isaid，“Ishouldnothavebeensoharshwithyou。Andyouareanorphan，too，nodoubt。Butsitdownonthefloorhere——nothingelsecanstandyourweight——andbesides，wecannotbesociablewithyouawayupthereaboveme;IwantyoudownwhereIcanperchonthishighcounting-housestoolandgossipwithyoufacetoface。”，Sohesatdownonthefloor，andlitapipewhichIgavehim，threwoneofmyredblanketsoverhisshoulders，invertedmysitz-bathonhishead，helmetfashion，andmadehimselfpicturesqueandcomfortable。Thenhecrossedhisankles，whileIrenewedthefire，andexposedtheflat，honeycombedbottomsofhisprodigiousfeettothegratefulwarmth。
“Whatisthematterwiththebottomofyourfeetandthebackofyourlegs，thattheyaregougedupso？”
“Infernalchilblains——Icaughtthemclearuptothebackofmyhead，roostingoutthereunderNewell’sfarm。ButIlovetheplace;Iloveitasoneloveshisoldhome。ThereisnopeaceformelikethepeaceI
feelwhenIamthere。”
Wetalkedalongforhalfanhour，andthenInoticedthathelookedtired，andspokeofit。
“Tired？”hesaid。”Well，Ishouldthinkso。AndnowIwilltellyouallaboutit，sinceyouhavetreatedmesowell。IamthespiritofthePetrifiedManthatliesacrossthestreetthereinthemuseum。IamtheghostoftheCardiffGiant。Icanhavenorest，nopeace，tilltheyhavegiventhatpoorbodyburialagain。Nowwhatwasthemostnaturalthingformetodo，tomakemensatisfythiswish？，Terrifythemintoit！
haunttheplacewherethebodylay！，SoIhauntedthemuseumnightafternight。Ievengototherspiritstohelpme。Butitdidnogood，fornobodyevercametothemuseumatmidnight。Thenitoccurredtometocomeoverthewayandhauntthisplacealittle。IfeltthatifIevergotahearingImustsucceed，forIhadthemostefficientcompanythatperditioncouldfurnish。Nightafternightwehaveshiveredaroundthroughthesemildewedhalls，draggingchains，groaning，whispering，trampingupanddownstairs，till，totellyouthetruth，Iamalmostwornout。ButwhenIsawalightinyourroomto-nightIrousedmyenergiesagainandwentatitwithadealoftheoldfreshness。ButIamtiredout——entirelyfaggedout。Giveme，Ibeseechyou，givemesomehope！”Ilitoffmyperchinaburstofexcitement，andexclaimed：
“Thistranscendseverything！，everythingthateverdidoccur！，Whyyoupoorblunderingoldfossil，youhavehadallyourtroublefornothing——
youhavebeenhauntingaplastercastofyourself——therealCardiffGiantisinAlbany！——[Afact。Theoriginalfraudwasingeniouslyandfraudfullyduplicated，andexhibitedinNewYorkasthe“onlygenuine“
CardiffGianttotheunspeakabledisgustoftheownersoftherealcolossusattheverysametimethatthelatterwasdrawingcrowdsatamuseumisAlbany，]——Confoundit，don’tyouknowyourownremains？”
Ineversawsuchaneloquentlookofshame，ofpitiablehumiliation，overspreadacountenancebefore。
ThePetrifiedManroseslowlytohisfeet，andsaid：
“Honestly，isthattrue？”
“AstrueasIamsittinghere。”
Hetookthepipefromhismouthandlaiditonthemantel，thenstoodirresoluteamomentunconsciously，fromoldhabit，thrustinghishandswherehispantaloonspocketsshouldhavebeen，andmeditativelydroppinghischinonhisbreast;andfinallysaid：
“Well-Ineverfeltsoabsurdbefore。ThePetrifiedManhassoldeverybodyelse，andnowthemeanfraudhasendedbysellingitsownghost！，Myson，ifthereisanycharityleftinyourheartforapoorfriendlessphantomlikeme，don’tletthisgetout。Thinkhowyouwouldfeelifyouhadmadesuchanassofyourself。”
Iheardhisstatelytrampdieaway，stepbystepdownthestairsandoutintothedesertedstreet，andfeltsorrythathewasgone，poorfellow——
andsorrierstillthathehadcarriedoffmyredblanketandmybath-tub。
THECAPITOLINEVENUS
CHAPTERI
[Scene-AnArtist’sStudioinRome。]
“Oh，George，Idoloveyou！”
“Blessyourdearheart，Mary，Iknowthat——whyisyourfathersoobdurate？”
“George，hemeanswell，butartisfollytohim——heonlyunderstandsgroceries。Hethinksyouwouldstarveme。”
“Confoundhiswisdom——itsavorsofinspiration。WhyamInotamoney-
makingbowellessgrocer，insteadofadivinelygiftedsculptorwithnothingtoeat？”
“Donotdespond，Georgy，dear——allhisprejudiceswillfadeawayassoonasyoushallhaveacquiredfiftythousanddol——“
“Fiftythousanddemons！，Child，Iaminarrearsformyboard！”
CHAPTERII
[Scene-ADwellinginRome。]
“Mydearsir，itisuselesstotalk。Ihaven’tanythingagainstyou，butIcan’tletmydaughtermarryahashoflove，art，andstarvation——I
believeyouhavenothingelsetooffer。”
“Sir，Iampoor，Igrantyou。Butisfamenothing？，TheHon。BellamyFoodleofArkansassaysthatmynewstatueofAmerica，isacleverpieceofsculpture，andheissatisfiedthatmynamewillonedaybefamous。”
“Bosh！，WhatdoesthatArkansasassknowaboutit？，Fame’snothing——themarketpriceofyourmarblescarecrowisthethingtolookat。Ittookyousixmonthstochiselit，andyoucan’tsellitforahundreddollars。
No，sir！，Showmefiftythousanddollarsandyoucanhavemydaughter——
otherwiseshemarriesyoungSimper。Youhavejustsixmonthstoraisethemoneyin。Goodmorning，sir。”
“Alas！，Woeisme！”
CHAPTERIII
[Scene-TheStudio。]
“Oh，John，friendofmyboyhood，Iamtheunhappiestofmen。”
“You’reasimpleton！”
“IhavenothinglefttolovebutmypoorstatueofAmerica——andsee，evenshehasnosympathyformeinhercoldmarblecountenance——sobeautifulandsoheartless！”
“You’readummy！”
“Oh，John！”
Oh，fudge！，Didn’tyousayyouhadsixmonthstoraisethemoneyin？”
“Don’tderidemyagony，John。IfIhadsixcenturieswhatgoodwoulditdo？，Howcouldithelpapoorwretchwithoutname，capital，orfriends？”
“Idiot！，Coward！，Baby！，Sixmonthstoraisethemoneyin——andfivewilldo！”
“Areyouinsane？”
“Sixmonths——anabundance。Leaveittome。I’llraiseit。”
“Whatdoyoumean，John？，Howonearthcanyouraisesuchamonstroussumforme？”
“Willyouletthatbemybusiness，andnotmeddle？，Willyouleavethethinginmyhands？，WillyousweartosubmittowhateverIdo？，Willyoupledgemetofindnofaultwithmyactions？”
“Iamdizzy——bewildered——butIswear。”
JohntookupahammeranddeliberatelysmashedthenoseofAmerica！，Hemadeanotherpassandtwoofherfingersfelltothefloor——another，andpartofanearcameaway——another，andarowoftoeswasmangledanddismembered——another，andtheleftleg，fromthekneedown，layafragmentaryruin！
Johnputonhishatanddeparted。
Georgegazedspeechlessuponthebatteredandgrotesquenightmarebeforehimforthespaceofthirtyseconds，andthenwiltedtothefloorandwentintoconvulsions。
Johnreturnedpresentlywithacarriage，gotthebroken-heartedartistandthebroken-leggedstatueaboard，anddroveoff，whistlinglowandtranquilly。
Helefttheartistathislodgings，anddroveoffanddisappeareddowntheViaQuirinaliswiththestatue。
CHAPTERIV
[Scene——TheStudio。]
“Thesixmonthswillbeupattwoo’clockto-day！，Oh，agony！，Mylifeisblighted。IwouldthatIweredead。Ihadnosupperyesterday。Ihavehadnobreakfastto-day。Idarenotenteraneating-house。Andhungry？——
don’tmentionit！，Mybootmakerdunsmetodeath——mytailordunsme——
mylandlordhauntsme。Iammiserable。Ihaven’tseenJohnsincethatawfulday。Shesmilesonmetenderlywhenwemeetinthegreatthoroughfares，butheroldflintofafathermakesherlookintheotherdirectioninshortorder。Nowwhoisknockingatthatdoor？，Whoiscometopersecuteme？，Thatmalignantvillainthebootmaker，I’llwarrant。
Comein！”
“Ah，happinessattendyourhighness——Heavenbepropitioustoyourgrace！
Ihavebroughtmylord’snewboots——ah，saynothingaboutthepay，thereisnohurry，noneintheworld。Shallbeproudifmynoblelordwillcontinuetohonormewithhiscustom——ah，adieu！”
“Broughtthebootshimself！，Don’twaithispay！，Takeshisleavewithabowandascrapefittohonormajestywithal！，Desiresacontinuanceofmycustom！，Istheworldcomingtoanend？，Ofallthe——comein！”
“Pardon，signore，butIhavebroughtyournewsuitofclothesfor——“
“Comein！”
“Athousandpardonsforthisintrusion，yourworship。ButIhavepreparedthebeautifulsuiteofroomsbelowforyou——thiswretcheddenisbutillsuitedto——“
“Comein！”
“Ihavecalledtosaythatyourcreditatourbank，sometimesinceunfortunatelyinterrupted，isentirelyandmostsatisfactorilyrestored，andweshallbemosthappyifyouwilldrawuponusforany——“
“COMEIN！”
“Mynobleboy，sheisyours！，She’llbehereinamoment！，Takeher——
marryher——loveher——behappy！——Godblessyouboth！，Hip，hip，hur——“
“COMEIN！！！！！”
“Oh，George，myowndarling，wearesaved！”
“Oh，Mary，myowndarling，wearesaved——butI’llswearIdon’tknowwhynorhow！”
CHAPTERV
[Scene-ARomanCaf？]
OneofagroupofAmericangentlemenreadsandtranslatesfromtheweeklyeditionof’IlSlangwhangerdiRoma’asfollows：
WONDERFULDISCOVERY——SomesixmonthsagoSignorJohnSmitthe，anAmericangentlemannowsomeyearsaresidentofRome，purchasedforatrifleasmallpieceofgroundintheCampagna，justbeyondthetomboftheScipiofamily，fromtheowner，abankruptrelativeofthePrincessBorghese。
Mr。SmittheafterwardwenttotheMinisterofthePublicRecordsandhadthepieceofgroundtransferredtoapoorAmericanartistnamedGeorgeArnold，explainingthathediditaspaymentandsatisfactionforpecuniarydamageaccidentallydonebyhimlongsinceuponpropertybelongingtoSignorArnold，andfurtherobservedthathewouldmakeadditionalsatisfactionbyimprovingthegroundforSignorA。athisownchargeandcost。Fourweeksago，whilemakingsomenecessaryexcavationsupontheproperty，SignorSmittheunearthedthemostremarkableancientstatuethathaseverbeesaddedtotheopulentarttreasuresofRome。
Itwasanexquisitefigureofawoman，andthoughsadlystainedbythesoilandthemoldofages，noeyecanlookunmoveduponitsravishingbeauty。Thenose，theleftlegfromthekneedown，anear，andalsothetoesoftherightfootandtwofingersofoneofthehandsweregone，butotherwisethenoblefigurewasinaremarkablestateofpreservation。
Thegovernmentatoncetookmilitarypossessionofthestatue，andappointedacommissionofart-critics，antiquaries，andcardinalprincesofthechurchtoassessitsvalueanddeterminetheremunerationthatmustgototheownerofthegroundinwhichitwasfound。Thewholeaffairwaskeptaprofoundsecretuntillastnight。Inthemeantimethecommissionsatwithcloseddoorsanddeliberated。LastnighttheydecidedunanimouslythatthestatueisaVenus，andtheworkofsomeunknownbutsublimelygiftedartistofthethirdcenturybeforeChrist。
Theyconsideritthemostfaultlessworkofarttheworldhasanyknowledgeof。
Atmidnighttheyheldafinalconferenceand，decidedthattheVenuswasworththeenormoussumoftenmillionfrancs！，InaccordancewithRomanlawandRomanusage，thegovernmentbeinghalf-ownerinallworksofartfoundintheCampagna，theStatehasnaughttodobutpayfivemillionfrancstoMr。Arnoldandtakepermanentpossessionofthebeautifulstatue。ThismorningtheVenuswillberemovedtotheCapitol，theretoremain，andatnoonthecommissionwillwaituponSignorArnoldwithHisHolinessthePope’sorderupontheTreasuryfortheprincelysumoffivemillionfrancsisgold！
ChorusofVoices——“Luck！，It’snonameforit！”
AnotherVoice——“Gentlemen，IproposethatweimmediatelyformanAmericanjoint-stockcompanyforthepurchaseoflandsandexcavationsofstatueshere，withproperconnectionsinWallStreettobullandbearthestock。”
All——“Agreed。”
CHAPTERVI
[Scene——TheRomanCapitolTenYearsLater。]
“DearestMary，thisisthemostcelebratedstatueintheworld。Thisistherenowned’CapitolineVenus’you’veheardsomuchabout。Heresheiswithherlittleblemishes’restored’thatis，patchedbythemostnotedRomanartists——andthemerefactthattheydidthehumblepatchingofsonobleacreationwillmaketheirnamesillustriouswhiletheworldstands。Howstrangeitseemsthisplace！，ThedaybeforeIlaststoodhere，tenhappyyearsago，Iwasn’tarichmanblessyoursoul，Ihadn’tacent。AndyetIhadagooddealtodowithmakingRomemistressofthisgrandestworkofancientarttheworldcontains。”
“Theworshiped，theillustriousCapitolineVenus——andwhatasumsheisvaluedat！，Tenmillionsoffrancs！”
“Yes——nowsheis。”
“Andoh，Georgy，howdivinelybeautifulsheis！”
“Ah，yesbutnothingtowhatshewasbeforethatblessedJohnSmithbrokeherlegandbatteredhernose。IngeniousSmith！——giftedSmith！——nobleSmith！，Authorofallourbliss！，Hark！，Doyouknowwhatthatwheezemeans？，Mary，thatcubhasgotthewhooping-cough。Willyouneverlearntotakecareofthechildren！”
THEEND
TheCapitolineVenusisstillintheCapitolatRome，andisstillthemostcharmingandmostillustriousworkofancientarttheworldcanboastof。Butifeveritshallbeyourfortunetostandbeforeitandgointothecustomaryecstasiesoverit，don’tpermitthistrueandsecrethistoryofitsorigintomaryourbliss——andwhenyoureadaboutagiganticPetrifiedmanbeingdugupnearSyracuse，intheStateofNewYork，ornearanyotherplace，keepyourowncounsel——andiftheBarnumthatburiedhimthereofferstoselltoyouatanenormoussum，don’tyoubuy。SendhimtothePope！
[NOTE——Theabovesketchwaswrittenatthetimethefamousswindleofthe“PetrifiedGiant“wasthesensationofthedayintheUnitedStates]
SPEECHONACCIDENTINSURANCE
DELIVEREDINHARTFORD，ATADINNERTOCORNELIUSWALFORD，OFLONDON
GENTLEMEN：Iamglad，indeed，toassistinwelcomingthedistinguishedguestofthisoccasiontoacitywhosefameasaninsurancecenterhasextendedtoalllands，andgivenusthenameofbeingaquadruplebandofbrothersworkingsweetlyhandinhand——theColt’sArmsCompanymakingthedestructionofourraceeasyandconvenient，ourlifeinsurancecitizenspayingforthevictimswhentheypassaway，Mr。Battersonperpetuatingtheirmemorywithhisstatelymonuments，andourfire-insurancecomradestakingcareoftheirhereafter。Iamgladtoassistinwelcomingourguestfirst，becauseheisanEnglishman，andIoweaheavydebtofhospitalitytocertainofhisfellow-countrymen;andsecondly，becauseheisinsympathywithinsuranceandhasbeenthemeansofmakingmayothermencasttheirsympathiesinthesamedirection。
Certainlythereisnonoblerfieldforhumaneffortthantheinsurancelineofbusiness——especiallyaccidentinsurance。EversinceIhavebeenadirectorinanaccident-insurancecompanyIhavefeltthatIamabetterman。Lifehasseemedmoreprecious。Accidentshaveassumedakindlieraspect。Distressingspecialprovidenceshavelosthalftheirhorror。Ilookuponacripplenowwithaffectionateinterest——asanadvertisement。Idonotseemtocareforpoetryanymore。Idonotcareforpolitics——evenagriculturedoesnotexciteme。Buttomenowthereisacharmaboutarailwaycollisionthatisunspeakable。
Thereisnothingmorebeneficentthanaccidentinsurance。Ihaveseenanentirefamilyliftedoutofpovertyandintoaffluencebythesimpleboonofabrokenleg。Ihavehadpeoplecometomeoncrutches，withtearsintheireyes，toblessthisbeneficentinstitution。Inallmyexperienceoflife，Ihaveseennothingsoseraphicasthelookthatcomesintoafreshlymutilatedman’sfacewhenhefeelsinhisvestpocketwithhisremaininghandandfindshisaccidentticketallright。AndIhaveseennothingsosadasthelookthatcameintoanothersplinteredcustomer’sfacewhenhefoundhecouldn’tcollectonawoodenleg。
Iwillremarkhere，bywayofadvertisement，thatthatnoblecharitywhichwehavenamedtheHARTFORDACCIDENTINSURANCECOMPANY——[Thespeakerisadirectorofthecompanynamed。]——isaninstitutionwhichispeculiarlytobedependedupon。Amanisboundtoprosperwhogivesithiscustom。
Nomancantakeoutapolicyinitandnotgetcrippledbeforetheyearisout。Nowtherewasoneindigentmanwhohadbeendisappointedsooftenwithothercompaniesthathehadgrowndisheartened，hisappetitelefthim，heceasedtosmile——lifewasbutaweariness。ThreeweeksagoIgothimtoinsurewithus，andnowheisthebrightest，happiestspiritinthislandhasagoodsteadyincomeandastylishsuitofnewbandageseveryday，andtravelsaroundonashutter。
Iwillsay，inconclusion，thatmyshareofthewelcometoourguestisnonethelessheartybecauseItalksomuchnonsense，andIknowthatI
cansaythesamefortherestofthespeakers。
JOHNCHINAMANINNEWYORK
AsIpassedalongbyoneofthosemonsterAmericanteastoresinNewYork，IfoundaChinamansittingbeforeitactinginthecapacityofasign。Everybodythatpassedbygavehimasteadystareaslongastheirheadswouldtwistovertheirshoulderswithoutdislocatingtheirnecks，andagrouphadstoppedtostaredeliberately。
Isitnotashamethatwe，whopratesomuchaboutcivilizationandhumanity，arecontenttodegradeafellow-beingtosuchanofficeasthis？，Isitnottimeforreflectionwhenwefindourselveswillingtoseeinsuchabeingmatterforfrivolouscuriosityinsteadofregretandgravereflection？，Herewasapoorcreaturewhomhardfortunehadexiledfromhisnaturalhomebeyondtheseas，andwhosetroublesoughttohavetouchedtheseidlestrangersthatthrongedabouthim;butdidit？
Apparentlynot。Mencallingthemselvesthesuperiorrace，theraceofcultureandofgentleblood，scannedhisquaintChinesehat，withpeakedroofandballontop，andhislongqueuedanglingdownhisback;hisshortsilkenblouse，curiouslyfroggedandfiguredand，liketherestofhisraiment，rusty，dilapidated，andawkwardlyputon;hisbluecotton，tight-leggedpants，tiedclosearoundtheankles;andhisclumsyblunt-
toedshoeswiththickcorksoles;andhavingsoscannedhimfromheadtofoot，crackedsomeunseemlyjokeabouthisoutlandishattireorhismelancholyface，andpassedon。InmyheartIpitiedthefriendlessMongol。Iwonderedwhatwaspassingbehindhissadface，andwhatdistantscenehisvacanteyewasdreamingof。Werehisthoughtswithhisheart，tenthousandmilesaway，beyondthebillowywastesofthePacific？
amongthericefieldsandtheplumypalmsofChina？undertheshadowsofrememberedmountainpeaks，oringrovesofbloomyshrubsandstrangeforesttreesunknowntoclimeslikeours？，Andnowandthen，ripplingamonghisvisionsandhisdreams，didhehearfamiliarlaughterandhalf-
forgottenvoices，anddidhecatchfitfulglimpsesofthefriendlyfacesofabygonetime？，Acruelfateitis，Isaid，thatisbefallenthisbronzedwanderer。Inorderthatthegroupofidlersmightbetouchedatleastbythewordsofthepoorfellow，sincetheappealofhispauperdressandhisdrearyexilewaslostuponthem，Itouchedhimontheshoulderandsaid：
“Cheerup——don’tbedownhearted。ItisnotAmericathattreatsyouinthisway，itismerelyonecitizen，whosegreedofgainhaseatenthehumanityoutofhisheart。Americahasabroaderhospitalityfortheexiledandoppressed。AmericaandAmericansarealwaysreadytohelptheunfortunate。Moneyshallberaised——youshallgobacktoChinayoushallseeyourfriendsagain。Whatwagesdotheypayyouhere？”
“Divilacintbutfourdollarsaweekandfindmeself;butit’saisy，barrin’thetroublesomefurrinclothesthat’ssoexpinsive。”
Theexileremainsathispost。TheNewYorkteamerchantswhoneedpicturesquesignsarenotlikelytorunoutofChinamen。
HOWIEDITEDANAGRICULTURALPAPER——[Writtenabort1870。]
Ididnottaketemporaryeditorshipofanagriculturalpaperwithoutmisgivings。Neitherwouldalandsmantakecommandofashipwithoutmisgivings。ButIwasincircumstancesthatmadethesalaryanobject。
Theregulareditorofthepaperwasgoingoffforaholiday，andI
acceptedthetermsheoffered，andtookhisplace。
Thesensationofbeingatworkagainwasluxurious，andIwroughtalltheweekwithunflaggingpleasure。Wewenttopress，andIwaitedadaywithsomesolicitudetoseewhethermyeffortwasgoingtoattractanynotice。
AsIlefttheoffice，towardsundown，agroupofmenandboysatthefootofthestairsdispersedwithoneimpulse，andgavemepassageway，andI
heardoneortwoofthemsay：“That’shim！”Iwasnaturallypleasedbythisincident。ThenextmorningIfoundasimilargroupatthefootofthestairs，andscatteringcouplesandindividualsstandinghereandthereinthestreetandovertheway，watchingmewithinterest。ThegroupseparatedandfellbackasIapproached，andIheardamansay，“Lookathiseye！”IpretendednottoobservethenoticeIwasattracting，butsecretlyIwaspleasedwithit，andwaspurposingtowriteanaccountofittomyaunt。Iwentuptheshortflightofstairs，andheardcheeryvoicesandaringinglaughasIdrewnearthedoor，whichIopened，andcaughtaglimpseoftwoyoungrural-lookingmen，whosefacesblanchedandlengthenedwhentheysawme，andthentheybothplungedthroughthewindowwithagreatcrash。Iwassurprised。
Inabouthalfanhouranoldgentleman，withaflowingbeardandafinebutratheraustereface，entered，andsatdownatmyinvitation。Heseemedtohavesomethingonhismind。Hetookoffhishatandsetitonthefloor，andgotoutofitaredsilkhandkerchiefandacopyofourpaper。
Heputthepaperonhislap，andwhilehepolishedhisspectacleswithhishandkerchiefhesaid，“Areyoutheneweditor？”
IsaidIwas。
“Haveyouevereditedanagriculturalpaperbefore？”
“No，“Isaid;“thisismyfirstattempt。”
“Verylikely。Haveyouhadanyexperienceinagriculturepractically？”
“No;IbelieveIhavenot。”
“Someinstincttoldmeso，“saidtheoldgentleman，puttingonhisspectacles，andlookingoverthematmewithasperity，whilehefoldedhispaperintoaconvenientshape。”Iwishtoreadyouwhatmusthavemademehavethatinstinct。Itwasthiseditorial。Listen，andseeifitwasyouthatwroteit：
“’Turnipsshouldneverbepulled，itinjuresthem。Itismuchbettertosendaboyupandlethimshakethetree。’
“Now，whatdoyouthinkofthat？，forIreallysupposeyouwroteit？”
“Thinkofit？，Why，Ithinkitisgood。Ithinkitissense。Ihavenodoubtthateveryyearmillionsandmillionsofbushelsofturnipsarespoiledinthistownshipalonebybeingpulledinahalf-ripecondition，when，iftheyhadsentaboyuptoshakethetree——“
“Shakeyourgrandmother！，Turnipsdon’tgrowontrees！”
“Oh，theydon’t，don’tthey？，Well，whosaidtheydid？，Thelanguagewasintendedtobefigurative，whollyfigurative。AnybodythatknowsanythingwillknowthatImeantthattheboyshouldshakethevine。”
Thenthisoldpersongotupandtorehispaperallintosmallshreds，andstampedonthem，andbrokeseveralthingswithhiscane，andsaidIdidnotknowasmuchasacow;andthenwent——outandbangedthedoorafterhim，and，inshort，actedinsuchawaythatIfanciedhewasdispleasedaboutsomething。Butnotknowingwhatthetroublewas，Icouldnotbeanyhelptohim。
Prettysoonafterthisalong，cadaverouscreature，withlankylockshangingdowntohisshoulders，andaweek’sstubblebristlingfromthehillsandvalleysofhisface，dartedwithinthedoor，andhalted，motionless，withfingeronlip，andheadandbodybentinlisteningattitude。Nosoundwasheard。
Stillhelistened。Nosound。Thenheturnedthekeyinthedoor，andcameelaboratelytiptoeingtowardmetillhewaswithinlongreachingdistanceofme，whenhestoppedand，afterscanningmyfacewithintenseinterestforawhile，drewafoldedcopyofourpaperfromhisbosom，andsaid：
“There，youwrotethat。Readittome——quick！，Relieveme。Isuffer。”
Ireadasfollows;andasthesentencesfellfrommylipsIcouldseethereliefcome，Icouldseethedrawnmusclesrelax，andtheanxietygooutoftheface，andrestandpeacestealoverthefeatureslikethemercifulmoonlightoveradesolatelandscape：
Theguanoisafinebird，butgreatcareisnecessaryinrearingit。
ItshouldnotbeimportedearlierthanJuneorlaterthanSeptember。
Inthewinteritshouldbekeptinawarmplace，whereitcanhatchoutitsyoung。
Itisevidentthatwearetohaveabackwardseasonforgrain。
Thereforeitwillbewellforthefarmertobeginsettingouthiscorn-stalksandplantinghisbuckwheatcakesinJulyinsteadofAugust。
Concerningthepumpkin。ThisberryisafavoritewiththenativesoftheinteriorofNewEngland，whopreferittothegooseberryforthemakingoffruit-cake，andwholikewisegiveitthepreferenceovertheraspberryforfeedingcows，asbeingmorefillingandfullyassatisfying。ThepumpkinistheonlyesculentoftheorangefamilythatwillthriveintheNorth，exceptthegourdandoneortwovarietiesofthesquash。Butthecustomofplantingitinthefrontyardwiththeshrubberyisfastgoingoutofvogue，foritisnowgenerallyconcededthat，thepumpkinasashadetreeisafailure。
Now，asthewarmweatherapproaches，andthegandersbegintospawn——
Theexcitedlistenersprangtowardmetoshakehands，andsaid：
“There，there——thatwilldo。IknowIamallrightnow，becauseyouhavereaditjustasIdid，word，forword。But，stranger，whenIfirstreaditthismorning，Isaidtomyself，Inever，neverbelieveditbefore，notwithstandingmyfriendskeptmeunderwatchsostrict，butnowI
believeIamcrazy;andwiththatIfetchedahowlthatyoumighthaveheardtwomiles，andstartedouttokillsomebody——because，youknow，Iknewitwouldcometothatsoonerorlater，andsoImightaswellbegin。Ireadoneofthemparagraphsoveragain，soastobecertain，andthenIburnedmyhousedownandstarted。Ihavecrippledseveralpeople，andhavegotonefellowupatree，whereIcangethimifIwanthim。ButIthoughtIwouldcallinhereasIpassedalongandmakethethingperfectlycertain;andnowitiscertain，andItellyouitisluckyforthechapthatisinthetree。Ishouldhavekilledhimsure，asIwentback。Good-by，sir，good-by;youhavetakenagreatloadoffmymind。Myreasonhasstoodthestrainofoneofyouragriculturalarticles，andIknowthatnothingcaneverunseatitnow。Good-by，sir。”
Ifeltalittleuncomfortableaboutthecripplingsandarsonsthispersonhadbeenentertaininghimselfwith，forIcouldnothelpfeelingremotelyaccessorytothem。Butthesethoughtswerequicklybanished，fortheregulareditorwalkedin！，[Ithoughttomyself，NowifyouhadgonetoEgyptasIrecommendedyouto，Imighthavehadachancetogetmyhandin;butyouwouldn’tdoit，andhereyouare。Isortofexpectedyou。]
Theeditorwaslookingsadandperplexedanddejected。
Hesurveyedthewreckwhichthatoldrioterandthosetwoyoungfarmershadmade，andthensaid“Thisisasadbusiness——averysadbusiness。
Thereisthemucilage-bottlebroken，andsixpanesofglass，andaspittoon，andtwocandlesticks。Butthatisnottheworst。Thereputationofthepaperisinjured——andpermanently，Ifear。True，thereneverwassuchacallforthepaperbefore，anditneversoldsuchalargeeditionorsoaredtosuchcelebrity;butdoesonewanttobefamousforlunacy，andprosperupontheinfirmitiesofhismind？，Myfriend，asIamanhonestman，thestreetouthereisfullofpeople，andothersareroostingonthefences，waitingtogetaglimpseofyou，becausetheythinkyouarecrazy。Andwelltheymightafterreadingyoureditorials。
Theyareadisgracetojournalism。Why，whatputitintoyourheadthatyoucouldeditapaperofthisnature？，Youdonotseemtoknowthefirstrudimentsofagriculture。Youspeakofafurrowandaharrowasbeingthesamething;youtalkofthemoultingseasonforcows;andyourecommendthedomesticationofthepole-catonaccountofitsplayfulnessanditsexcellenceasaratter！，Yourremarkthatclamswillliequietifmusicbeplayedtothemwassuperfluous——entirelysuperfluous。Nothingdisturbsclams。Clamsalwaysliequiet。Clamscarenothingwhateveraboutmusic。Ah，heavensandearth，friend！ifyouhadmadetheacquiringofignorancethestudyofyourlife，youcouldnothavegraduatedwithhigherhonorthanyoucouldto-day。Ineversawanythinglikeit。Yourobservationthatthehorse-chestnutasanarticleofcommerceissteadilygaininginfavorissimplycalculatedtodestroythisjournal。Iwantyoutothrowupyoursituationandgo。Iwantnomoreholiday——IcouldnotenjoyitifIhadit。Certainlynotwithyouinmychair。Iwouldalwaysstandindreadofwhatyoumightbegoingtorecommendnext。ItmakesmeloseallpatienceeverytimeIthinkofyourdiscussingoyster-bedsundertheheadof’LandscapeGardening。’，Iwantyoutogo。Nothingonearthcouldpersuademetotakeanotherholiday。
Oh！whydidn’tyoutellmeyoudidn’tknowanythingaboutagriculture？”
“Tellyou，youcorn-stalk，youcabbage，yousonofacauliflower？，It’sthefirsttimeIeverheardsuchanunfeelingremark。ItellyouIhavebeenintheeditorialbusinessgoingonfourteenyears，anditisthefirsttimeIeverheardofaman’shavingtoknowanythinginordertoeditanewspaper。Youturnip！，Whowritethedramaticcritiquesforthesecond-ratepapers？，Why，aparcelofpromotedshoemakersandapprenticeapothecaries，whoknowjustasmuchaboutgoodactingasIdoaboutgoodfarmingandnomore。Whoreviewthebooks？，Peoplewhoneverwroteone。
Whodouptheheavyleadersonfinance？，Partieswhohavehadthelargestopportunitiesforknowingnothingaboutit。WhocriticizetheIndiancampaigns？，Gentlemenwhodonotknowawar-whoopfromawigwam，andwhoneverhavehadtorunafoot-racewithatomahawk，orpluckarrowsoutoftheseveralmembersoftheirfamiliestobuildtheeveningcamp-firewith。Whowritethetemperanceappeals，andclamorabouttheflowingbowl？，Folkswhowillneverdrawanothersoberbreathtilltheydoitinthegrave。Whoedittheagriculturalpapers，you——yam？，Men，asageneralthing，whofailinthepoetryline，yellow-colorednovelline，sensation，dramaline，city-editorline，andfinallyfallbackonagricultureasatemporaryreprievefromthepoorhouse。Youtrytotellmeanythingaboutthenewspaperbusiness！，Sir，IhavebeenthroughitfromAlphatoOmaha，andItellyouthatthelessamanknowsthebiggerthenoisehemakesandthehigherthesalaryhecommands。HeavenknowsifIhadbutbeenignorantinsteadofcultivated，andimpudentinsteadofdiffident，Icouldhavemadeanameformyselfinthiscold，selfishworld。Itakemyleave，sir。SinceIhavebeentreatedasyouhavetreatedme，Iamperfectlywillingtogo。ButIhavedonemyduty。I
havefulfilledmycontractasfarasIwaspermittedtodoit。IsaidI
couldmakeyourpaperofinteresttoallclasses——andIhave。IsaidI
couldrunyourcirculationuptotwentythousandcopies，andifIhadhadtwomoreweeksI’dhavedoneit。AndI’dhavegivenyouthebestclassofreadersthateveranagriculturalpaperhad——notafarmerinit，norasolitaryindividualwhocouldtellawatermelon-treefromapeach-vinetosavehislife。Youaretheloserbythisrupture，notme，Pie-plant。
Adios。”
Ithenleft。
THEPETRIFIEDMAN
Now，toshowhowreallyharditistofoistamoraloratruthuponanunsuspectingpublicthroughaburlesquewithoutentirelyandabsurdlymissingone’smark，Iwillheresetdowntwoexperiencesofmyowninthisthing。Inthefallof1862，inNevadaandCalifornia，thepeoplegottorunningwildaboutextraordinarypetrifactionsandothernaturalmarvels。Onecouldscarcelypickupapaperwithoutfindinginitoneortwoglorifieddiscoveriesofthiskind。Themaniawasbecomingalittleridiculous。Iwasabrand-newlocaleditorinVirginiaCity，andIfeltcalledupontodestroythisgrowingevil;weallhaveourbenignant，fatherlymoodsatonetimeoranother，Isuppose。Ichosetokillthepetrifactionmaniawithadelicate，averydelicatesatire。Butmaybeitwasaltogethertoodelicate，fornobodyeverperceivedthesatirepartofitatall。Iputmyschemeintheshapeofthediscoveryofaremarkablypetrifiedman。
IhadhadatemporaryfallingoutwithMr——，thenewcoronerandjusticeofthepeaceofHumboldt，andthoughtImightaswelltouchhimupalittleatthesametimeandmakehimridiculous，andthuscombinepleasurewithbusiness。SoItold，inpatient，belief-compellingdetail，allaboutthefindingofapetrified-manatGravellyFordexactlyahundredandtwentymiles，overabreakneckmountaintrailfromwhere——
lived;howallthesavantsoftheimmediateneighborhoodhadbeentoexamineititwasnotoriousthattherewasnotalivingcreaturewithinfiftymilesofthere，exceptafewstarvingIndians;somecrippledgrasshoppers，andfourorfivebuzzardsoutofmeatandtoofeebletogetaway;howthosesavantsallpronouncedthepetrifiedmantohavebeeninastateofcompletepetrifactionforovertengenerations;andthen，withaseriousnessthatIoughttohavebeenashamedtoassume，IstatedthatassoonasMr——heardthenewshesummonedajury，mountedhismule，andpostedoff，withnoblereverenceforofficialduty，onthatawfulfivedays’journey，throughalkali，sagebrush，perilofbody，andimminentstarvation，toholdaninquestonthismanthathadbeendeadandturnedtoeverlastingstoneformorethanthreehundredyears！
Andthen，myhandbeing“in，“sotospeak，Iwenton，withthesameunflinchinggravity，tostatethatthejuryreturnedaverdictthatdeceasedcametohisdeathfromprotractedexposure。Thisonlymovedmetohigherflightsofimagination，andIsaidthatthejury，withthatcharitysocharacteristicofpioneers，thendugagrave，andwereabouttogivethepetrifiedmanChristianburial，whentheyfoundthatforagesalimestonesedimenthadbeentricklingdownthefaceofthestoneagainstwhichhewassitting，andthisstuffhadrununderhimandcementedhimfasttothe“bed-rock“;thatthejurytheywereallsilver-
minerscanvassedthedifficultyamoment，andthengotouttheirpowderandfuse，andproceededtodrillaholeunderhim，inordertoblasthimfromhisposition，whenMr——，“withthatdelicacysocharacteristicofhim，forbadethem，observingthatitwouldbelittlelessthansacrilegetodosuchathing。”
Frombeginningtoendthe“PetrifiedMan“squibwasastringofroaringabsurdities，albeittheyweretoldwithanunfairpretenseoftruththatevenimposeduponmetosomeextent，andIwasinsomedangerofbelievinginmyownfraud。ButIreallyhadnodesiretodeceiveanybody，andnoexpectationofdoingit。Idependedonthewaythepetrifiedmanwassittingtoexplaintothepublicthathewasaswindle。
YetIpurposelymixedthatupwithotherthings，hopingtomakeitobscure——andIdid。Iwoulddescribethepositionofonefoot，andthensayhisrightthumbwasagainstthesideofhisnose;thentalkabouthisotherfoot，andpresentlycomebackandsaythefingersofhisrighthandwerespreadapart;thentalkaboutthebackofhisheadalittle，andreturnandsaytheleftthumbwashookedintotherightlittlefinger;
thenrambleoffaboutsomethingelse，andbyandbydriftbackagainandremarkthatthefingersofthelefthandwerespreadlikethoseoftheright。ButIwastooingenious。Imixedituprathertoomuch;andsoallthatdescriptionoftheattitude，asakeytothehumbuggeryofthearticle，wasentirelylost，fornobodybutmeeverdiscoveredandcomprehendedthepeculiarandsuggestivepositionofthepetrifiedman’shands。
Asasatireonthepetrifactionmania，oranythingelse，mypetrifiedManwasadishearteningfailure;foreverybodyreceivedhimininnocentgoodfaith，andIwasstunnedtoseethecreatureIhadbegottentopulldownthewonder-businesswith，andbringderisionuponit，calmlyexaltedtothegrandchiefplaceinthelistofthegenuinemarvelsourNevadahadproduced。Iwassodisappointedatthecuriousmiscarriageofmyscheme，thatatfirstIwasangry，anddidnotliketothinkaboutit;butbyandby，whentheexchangesbegantocomeinwiththePetrifiedMancopiedandguilelesslyglorified，Ibegantofeelasoothingsecretsatisfaction;
andasmygentleman’sfieldoftravelsbroadened，andbytheexchangesI
sawthathesteadilyandimplacablypenetratedterritoryafterterritory，stateafterstate，andlandafterland，tillhesweptthegreatglobeandculminatedinsublimeandunimpeachedlegitimacyintheaugustLondonLancet，mycupwasfull，andIsaidIwasgladIhaddoneit。Ithinkthatforaboutelevenmonths，asnearlyasIcanremember，Mr——’sdailymail-bagcontinuedtobeswollenbytheadditionofhalfabushelofnewspapershailingfrommanyclimeswiththePetrifiedManinthem，markedaroundwithaprominentbeltofink。Isentthemtohim。Ididitforspite，notforfun。
Heusedtoshovelthemintohisbackyardandcurse。Andeverydayduringallthosemonthstheminers，hisconstituentsforminersneverquitjokingapersonwhentheygetstarted，wouldcallonhimandaskifhecouldtellthemwheretheycouldgetholdofapaperwiththePetrifiedManinit。Hecouldhaveaccommodatedacontinentwiththem。
Ihated——inthosedays，andthesethingspacifiedmeandpleasedme。
Icouldnothavegottenmorerealcomfortoutofhimwithoutkillinghim。
MYBLOODYMASSACRE
TheotherburlesqueIhavereferredtowasmyfinesatireuponthefinancialexpedientsof“cookingdividends，“athingwhichbecameshamefullyfrequentonthePacificcoastforawhile。Oncemore，inmyself-complacentsimplicityIfeltthatthetimehadarrivedformetoriseupandbeareformer。Iputthisreformatorysatire，intheshapeofafearful“MassacreatEmpireCity。”，TheSanFranciscopapersweremakingagreatoutcryabouttheiniquityoftheDaneySilver-MiningCompany，whosedirectorshaddeclareda“cooked“orfalsedividend，forthepurposeofincreasingthevalueoftheirstock，sothattheycouldselloutatacomfortablefigure，andthenscramblefromunderthetumblingconcern。AndwhileabusingtheDaney，thosepapersdidnotforgettourgethepublictogetridofalltheirsilverstocksandinvestin，soundandsafeSanFranciscostocks，suchastheSpringValleyWaterCompany，etc。Butrightatthisunfortunatejuncture，beholdtheSpringValleycookedadividendtoo！，Andso，undertheinsidiousmaskofaninvented“bloodymassacre，“Istoleuponthepublicunawareswithmyscathingsatireuponthedividendcookingsystem。InabouthalfacolumnofimaginaryhumancarnageItoldhowacitizenhardmurderedhiswifeandninechildren，andthencommittedsuicide。AndIsaidslyly，atthebottom，thatthesuddenmadnessofwhichthismelancholymassacrewastheresulthadbeenbroughtaboutbyhishavingallowedhimselftobepersuadedbytheCaliforniapaperstosellhissoundandlucrativeNevadasilverstocks，andbuyintoSpringValleyjustintimetogetcookedalongwiththatcompany’sfancydividend，andsinkeverycenthehadintheworld。