Now，supposesix-feet-twoconqueror，andfive-feet-eightbeaten；
wouldSayershavebeenawhitthelessgallantandmeritorious?IfSanchohadbeenallowedREALLYtoreigninBarataria，Imakenodoubtthat，withhisgoodsenseandkindnessofheart，hewouldhavedevisedsomemeansofrewardingthebravevanquished，aswellasthebravevictorsintheBaratarianarmy，andthatachampionwhohadfoughtagoodfightwouldhavebeenaknightofKingDonSancho\'sorders，whatevertheupshotofthecombathadbeen。SupposeWellingtonoverwhelmedontheplateauofMontSt。John；supposeWashingtonattackedandbeatenatValleyForge——andeithersuppositionisquiteeasy——andwhatbecomesoftheheroes?Theywouldhavebeenasbrave，honest，heroic，wise；buttheirglory，wherewouldithavebeen?Shouldwehavehadtheirportraitshanginginourchambers?havebeenfamiliarwiththeirhistories?
haveponderedovertheirletters，commonlives，anddailysayings?
Thereisnotonlymerit，butluckwhichgoestomakingaherooutofagentleman。Mind，pleaseyou，Iamnotsayingthattheheroisafterallnotsoveryheroic；andhavenottheleastdesiretogrudgehimhismeritbecauseofhisgoodfortune。
HaveyouanyideawhitherthisRoundaboutEssayonsomelategreatvictoriesistending?DoyousupposethatbythosewordsImeanTrenton，Brandywine，Salamanca，Vittoria，andsoforth?ByagreatvictoryIcan\'tmeanthataffairatFarnham，foritwasadrawnfight。Where，then，arethevictories，pray，andwhenarewecomingtothem?
Mygoodsir，youwillperceivethatinthisNicaeandiscourseIhaveonlyasyetadvancedasfarasthis——thatahero，whetherhewinsorloses，isahero；andthatifafellowwillbutbehonestandcourageous，anddohisbest，weareforpayingallhonortohim。
Furthermore，ithasbeenassertedthatFortunehasagooddealtodowiththemakingofheroes；andthushintedfortheconsolationofthosewhodon\'thappentobeengagedinanystupendousvictories，that，hadopportunitysoserved，theymighthavebeenheroestoo。
Ifyouarenot，friend，itisnotyourfault，whilstIdon\'twishtodetractfromanygentleman\'sreputationwhois。There。Myworstenemycan\'ttakeobjectiontothat。Thepointmighthavebeenputmorebrieflyperhaps；but，ifyouplease，wewillnotarguethatquestion。
Well，then。ThevictorieswhichIwishespeciallytocommemorateinthispaper，arethesixgreat，complete，prodigious，andundeniablevictories，achievedbythecorpswhichtheeditoroftheCornhillMagazinehasthehonortocommand。WhenIseemedtospeakdisparaginglybutnowofgenerals，itwasthatchiefIhadinmyI
ifyouwillpermitmetheexpression。Iwishedhimnottobeelatedbytoomuchprosperity；Iwarnedhimagainstassumingheroicimperatorialairs，andcockinghislaurelstoojauntilyoverhisear。Iwashisconscience，andstoodonthesplash-boardofhistriumph-car，whispering，“Hominemmementote。”Aswerolledalongtheway，andpassedtheweathercocksonthetemples，IsalutedthesymbolofthegoddessFortunewithareverentawe。“Wehavedoneourlittleendeavor，“Isaid，bowingmyhead，“andmortalscandonomore。Butwemighthavefoughtbravelyandnotwon。Wemighthavecastthecoin，calling，\'Head，\'andlo！Tailmighthavecomeuppermost。”OthouRulerofVictories！——thouAwarderofFame！——thouGiverofCrownsandshillings——ifthouhastsmileduponus，shallwenotbethankful?ThereisaSaturninephilosopher，standingatthedoorofhisbook-shop，who，Ifancy，hasapooh-poohexpressionasthetriumphpasses。Ican\'tseequiteclearlyforthelaurels，whichhavefallendownovermynose。Onehandisreininginthetwowhiteelephantsthatdrawthecar；Iraisetheotherhandupto——
tothelaurels，andpasson，wavinghimagracefulrecognition。UptheHillofLudgate——aroundthePaulineSquare——bythesideofChepe——untilitreachesourownHillofCorn——theprocessionpasses。
TheImperatorisbowingtothepeople；thecaptainsofthelegionsareridingroundthecar，theirgallantmindsstruckbythethought，“Havewenotfoughtaswellasyonderfellow，swaggeringinthechariot，andarewenotasgoodashe?“Granted，withallmyheart，mydearlads。Whenyourconsulshiparrives，mayyoubeasfortunate。Whenthesehands，nowgrowingold，shalllaydownswordandtruncheon，mayyoumountthecar，andridetothetempleofJupiter。Beyoursthelaurelthen。Nequememyrtusdedecet，lookingcosilydownfromthearborwhereIsitunderthearchedvine。
IfancytheImperatorstandingonthestepsofthetempleerectedbyTitusontheMonsFrumentarius，andaddressingthecitizens:
“Quirites！“hesays，“inourcampaignofsixmonths，wehavebeenengagedsixtimes，andineachactionhavetakennearuponaHUNDRED
THOUSANDPRISONERS。Goto！Whatareothermagazinescomparedtoourmagazine?Sound，trumpeter！WhatbanneristherelikethatofCornhill?You，philosopheryonder！“heshirksunderhismantle。“Doyouknowwhatitistohaveahundredandtenthousandreaders?Ahundredthousandreaders?ahundredthousandBUYERS！“
Criesof“No！“——“Pooh！““Yes，uponmyhonor！““Oh，come！“andmurmursofapplauseandderision——“Isaymorethanahundredthousandpurchasers——andIbelieveASMUCHASAMILLIONreaders！“
Immensesensation。“Tothesehavewesaidanunkindword?Wehaveenemies；havewehitthemanunkindblow?Havewesoughttopursuepartyaims，toforwardprivatejobs，toadvanceselfishschemes?Theonlypersonstowhomwittinglywehavegivenpainaresomewhohavevolunteeredforourcorps——andofthesevolunteerswehavehadTHOUSANDS。”Murmursandgrumbles。“Whatcommander，citizens，couldplaceallthesemen！——couldmakeofficersofallthesemen?“criesof“No——no！“andlaughter——“couldsay，\'Iacceptthisrecruit，thoughheistooshortforourstandard，becauseheispoor，andhasamotherathomewhowantsbread?\'couldenrollthisother，whoistooweaktobeararms，becausehesays，\'Look，sir，I
shallbestrongeranon。\'Theleaderofsuchanarmyasoursmustselecthismen，notbecausetheyaregoodandvirtuous，butbecausetheyarestrongandcapable。Totheseourranksareeveropen，andinadditiontothewarriorswhosurroundme“——thegeneralslookproudlyconscious——“Itellyou，citizens，thatIamintreatywithotherandmosttremendouschampions，whowillmarchbythesideofourveteranstotheachievementoffreshvictories。Now，blow，trumpets！Bang，yegongs！anddrummers，drubthethunderingskins！
Generalsandchiefs，wegotosacrificetothegods。”
Crownedwithflowers，thecaptainsenterthetemple，theotherMagazineswalkingmodestlybehindthem。Thepeoplehuzza；and，insomeinstances，kneelandkissthefringesoftherobesofthewarriors。ThePhilosopherputsuphisshutters，andretiresintohisshop，deeplymoved。Inancienttimes，PlinyapudSmith
relatesitwasthecustomoftheImperator“topainthiswholebodyabrightred；“and，also，onascendingtheHill，tohavesomeofthehostilechiefsledaside“totheadjoiningprison，andputtodeath。”Weproposetodispensewithboththeseceremonies。
THORNSINTHECUSHION。
IntheEssaywithwhichthisvolumecommences，theCornhillMagazinewaslikenedtoashipsailingforthonhervoyage，andthecaptainutteredaverysincereprayerforherprosperity。Thedangersofstormandrock，thevastoutlayuponshipandcargo，andthecertainriskoftheventure，gavethechiefofficerafeelingofnosmallanxiety；forwhocouldsayfromwhatquarterdangermightarise，andhowhisowner\'spropertymightbeimperilled?Afterasixmonths\'
voyage，wewithverythankfulheartscouldacknowledgeourgoodfortune:and，takinguptheapologueintheRoundaboutmanner，wecomposedatriumphalprocessioninhonoroftheMagazine，andimaginedtheImperatorthereofridinginasublimecartoreturnthanksintheTempleofVictory。Cornhillisaccustomedtograndeurandgreatness，andhaswitnessed，everyninthofNovember，forI
don\'tknowhowmanycenturies，aprodigiousannualpageant，chariot，progress，andflourishoftrumpetry；andbeingsoveryneartheMansionHouse，Iamsurethereaderwillunderstandhowtheideaofpageantandprocessioncamenaturallytomymind。Theimaginationeasilysuppliedagoldcoach，eightcream-coloredhorsesofyourtruePegasusbreed，huzzaingmultitudes，runningfootmen，andclankingknightsinarmor，achaplainandasword-bearerwithamuffonhishead，scowlingoutofthecoach-window，andaLordMayorallcrimson，fur，goldchain，andwhiteribbons，solemnlyoccupyingtheplaceofstate。Aplayfulfancycouldhavecarriedthematterfarther，couldhavedepictedthefeastintheEgyptianHall，theMinisters，ChiefJustices，andrightreverendprelatestakingtheirseatsroundabouthislordship，theturtleandotherdeliciousviands，andMr。Toolebehindthecentralthrone，bawlingouttotheassembledguestsanddignitaries:“MyLordSo-and-so，myLordWhat-
d\'ye-call-\'im，myLordEtcaetera，theLordMayorpledgesyouallinaloving-cup。”Thenthenobleproceedingscometoanend；LordSimperproposestheladies；thecompanyrisesfromtable，andadjournstocoffeeandmuffins。ThecarriagesofthenobilityandguestsrollbacktotheWest。TheEgyptianHall，sobrightjustnow，appearsinatwilightglimmer，inwhichwaitersareseenransackingthedessert，andrescuingthespoons。HislordshipandtheLadyMayoressgointotheirprivateapartments。Therobesaredoffed，thecollarandwhiteribbonsareremoved。TheMayorbecomesaman，andisprettysurelyinaflusteraboutthespeecheswhichhehasjustuttered；rememberingtoowellnow，wretchedcreature，theprincipalpointswhichheDIDN\'Tmakewhenherosetospeak。Hegoestobedtoheadache，tocare，torepentance，and，Idaresay，toadoseofsomethingwhichhisbody-physicianhasprescribedforhim。
Andthereareeversomanymeninthecitywhofancythatmanhappy！
Now，supposethatallthroughthat9thofNovemberhislordshiphashadarackingrheumatism，oratoothache，letussay，duringalldinner-time——throughwhichhehasbeenobligedtogrinandmumblehispooroldspeeches。Isheenviable?Wouldyouliketochangewithhislordship?Supposethatbumperwhichhisgoldenfootmanbringshim，insteadi\'fackinsofypocrasorcanary，containssomeabominationofsenna?Away！Removethegoldengoblet，insidiouscupbearer！YounowbegintoperceivethegloomymoralwhichIamabouttodraw。
Lastmonthwesangthesongofglorification，androdeinthechariotoftriumph。Itwasallverywell。Itwasrighttohuzza，andbethankful，andcry，Bravo，ourside！andbesides，youknow，therewastheenjoymentofthinkinghowpleasedBrown，andJones，andRobinsonourdearfriendswouldbeatthisannouncementofsuccess。Butnowthattheperformanceisover，mygoodsir，juststepintomyprivateroom，andseethatitisnotallpleasure——thiswinningofsuccesses。Castyoureyeoverthosenewspapers，overthoseletters。Seewhatthecriticssayofyourharmlessjokes，neatlittletrimsentences，andpetwaggeries！Why，youarenobetterthananidiot；youaredrivelling；yourpowershaveleftyou；
thisalwaysoverratedwriterisrapidlysinkingto，&c。
Thisisnotpleasant；butneitheristhisthepoint。Itmaybethecriticisright，andtheauthorwrong。Itmaybethatthearchbishop\'ssermonisnotsofineassomeofthosediscoursestwentyyearsagowhichusedtodelightthefaithfulinGranada。Oritmaybepleasingthought！thatthecriticisadullard，anddoesnotunderstandwhatheiswritingabout。Everybodywhohasbeentoanexhibitionhasheardvisitorsdiscoursingaboutthepicturesbeforetheirfaces。Onesays，“Thisisverywell；“anothersays，“Thisisstuffandrubbish；“anothercries，“Bravo！thisisamasterpiece:“andeachhasarighttohisopinion。Forexample，oneofthepicturesIadmiredmostattheRoyalAcademyisbyagentlemanonwhomInever，tomyknowledge，seteyes。ThispictureisNo。346，“Moses，“byMr。S。Solomon。Ithoughtithadagreatintention，Ithoughtitfinelydrawnandcomposed。Itnoblyrepresented，tomymind，thedarkchildrenoftheEgyptianbondage，andsuggestedthetouchingstory。Mynewspapersays:“Twoludicrouslyuglywomen，lookingatadingybaby，donotformapleasingobject；“andsogood-by，Mr。Solomon。Arenotmostofourbabiesservedsoinlife?anddoesn\'tMr。RobinsonconsiderMr。
Brown\'scherubanugly，squallinglittlebrat?Socheerup，Mr。S。
S。Itmaybethecriticwhodiscoursedonyourbabyisabadjudgeofbabies。WhenPharaoh\'skinddaughterfoundthechild，andcherishedandlovedit，andtookithome，andfoundanurseforit，too，Idaresaythereweregrim，brick-dustcoloredchamberlains，orsomeofthetough，old，meagre，yellowprincessesatcourt，whoneverhadchildrenthemselves，whocriedout，“Faugh！thehorridlittlesquallingwretch！“andknewhewouldnevercometogood；andsaid，“Didn\'tItellyouso?“whenheassaultedtheEgyptian。
Nevermindthen，Mr。S。Solomon，Isay，becauseacriticpooh-poohsyourworkofart——yourMoses——yourchild——yourfoundling。Why，didnotawiseacreinBlackwood\'sMagazinelatelyfallfoulof“TomJones?“Ohypercritic！So，tobesure，didgoodoldMr。Richardson，whocouldwritenovelshimself——butyou，andI，andMr。Gibbon，mydearsir，agreeingivingourrespect，andwonder，andadmiration，tothebraveoldmaster。
IntheselastwordsIamsupposingtherespectedreadertobeendowedwithasenseofhumor，whichhemayormaynotpossess；
indeed，don\'tweknowmanyanhonestmanwhocannomorecomprehendajokethanhecanturnatune。ButItakeforgranted，mydearsir，thatyouarebrimmingoverwithfun——youmayn\'tmakejokes，butyoucouldifyouwould——youknowyoucould:andinyourquietwayyouenjoythemextremely。Nowmanypeopleneithermakethem，norunderstandthemwhenmade，norlikethemwhenunderstood，andaresuspicious，testy，andangrywithjokers。Haveyoueverwatchedanelderlymaleorfemale——anelderly“party，“sotospeak，whobeginstofindoutthatsomeyoungwagofthecompanyis“chaffing“him?
HaveyouevertriedthesarcasticorSocraticmethodwithachild?
Littlesimpleheorshe，intheinnocenceofthesimpleheart，playssomesillyfreak，ormakessomeabsurdremark，whichyouturntoridicule。Thelittlecreaturedimlyperceivesthatyouaremakingfunofhim，writhes，blushes，growsuneasy，burstsintotears，——uponmyworditisnotfairtotrytheweaponofridiculeuponthatinnocentyoungvictim。Theawfulobjurgatorypracticeheisaccustomedto。Pointouthisfault，andlaybarethedireconsequencesthereof:exposeitroundly，andgivehimaproper，solemn，moralwhipping——butdonotattempttocastigareridendo。Donotlaughathimwrithing，andcausealltheotherboysintheschooltolaugh。Rememberyourownyoungdaysatschool，myfriend——
thetinglingcheeks，burningears，burstingheart，andpassionofdesperatetears，withwhichyoulookedup，afterhavingperformedsomeblunder，whilstthedoctorheldyoutopublicscornbeforetheclass，andcrackedhisgreatclumsyjokesuponyou——helpless，andaprisoner！Bettertheblockitself，andthelictors，withtheirfascesofbirch-twigs，thanthemaddeningtortureofthosejokes！
Nowwithrespecttojokes——andthepresentcompanyofcourseexcepted——manypeople，perhapsmostpeople，areasinfants。Theyhavelittlesenseofhumor。Theydon\'tlikejokes。Railleryinwritingannoysandoffendsthem。Thecoarsenessapart，IthinkI
havemetvery，veryfewwomenwholikedthebanterofSwiftandFielding。Theirsimple，tendernaturesrevoltatlaughter。Isthesatyralwaysawickedbruteatheart，andaretheyrightlyshockedathisgrin，hisleer，hishorns，hoofs，andears?Fidonc，levilainmonstre，withhisshrieks，andhiscaperingcrookedlegs！
Lethimgoandgetapairofwell-waddedblacksilkstockings，andpullthemoverthosehorridshanks；putalargegownandbandsoverbeardandhide；andpouradozenoflavender-waterintohislawnhandkerchief，andcry，andnevermakeajokeagain。Itshallallbehighly-distilledpoesy，andperfumedsentiment，andgushingeloquence；andthefootSHAN\'Tpeepout，andaplaguetakeit。
Coveritupwiththesurplice。Outwithyourcambric，dearladies，andletusallwhimpertogether。
Now，then，handonheart，wedeclarethatitisnotthefireofadversecriticswhichafflictsorfrightenstheeditorialbosom。
Theymayberight；theymayberogueswhohaveapersonalspite；
theymaybedullardswhokickandbrayastheirnatureistodo，andpreferthistlestopineapples；theymaybeconscientious，acute，deeplylearned，delightfuljudges，whoseeyourjokeinamoment，andtheprofoundwisdomlyingunderneath。Wiseordull，laudatoryorotherwise，weputtheiropinionsaside。Iftheyapplaud，wearepleased:iftheyshaketheirquickpens，andflyoffwithahiss，weresigntheirfavorsandputonallthefortitudewecanmuster。I
wouldratherhavethelowestman\'sgoodwordthanhisbadone，tobesure；butasforcoaxingacompliment，orwheedlinghimintogood-
humor，orstoppinghisangrymouthwithagooddinner，oracceptinghiscontributionsforacertainMagazine，forfearofhisbarkingorsnappingelsewhere——allonsdonc！Theseshallnotbeouracts。Bow-
wow，Cerberus！Hereshallbenosopforthee，unless——unlessCerberusisanuncommonlygooddog，whenweshallbearnomalicebecauseheflewatusfromourneighbor\'sgate。
What，then，isthemaingriefyouspokeofasannoyingyou——thetoothacheintheLordMayor\'sjaw，thethorninthecushionoftheeditorialchair?Itisthere。Ah！itstingsmenowasIwrite。Itcomeswithalmosteverymorning\'spost。AtnightIcomehomeandtakemylettersuptobednotdaringtoopenthem，andinthemorningIfindone，two，threethornsonmypillow。ThreeI
extractedyesterday；twoIfoundthismorning。Theydon\'tstingquitesosharplyastheydid；butaskinisaskin，andtheybite，afterall，mostwickedly。ItisallveryfinetoadvertiseontheMagazine，“ContributionsareonlytobesenttoMessrs。Smith，ElderandCo。，andnottotheEditor\'sprivateresidence。”Mydearsir，howlittleyouknowman-orwoman-kind，ifyoufancytheywilltakethatsortofwarning！HowamItoknow，though，tobesure，I
begintoknownow，asItakethelettersoffthetray，whichofthoseenvelopescontainsarealbonafideletter，andwhichathorn?
OneofthebestinvitationsthisyearImistookforathorn-letter，andkeptitwithoutopening。ThisiswhatIcallathorn-letter:——
“CAMBERWELL，June4。
“SIR——MayIhope，mayIentreat，thatyouwillfavormebyperusingtheenclosedlines，andthattheymaybefoundworthyofinsertionintheCornhillMagazine。Wehaveknownbetterdays，sir。Ihaveasickandwidowedmothertomaintain，andlittlebrothersandsisterswholooktome。Idomyutmostasagovernesstosupportthem。I
toilatnightwhentheyareatrest，andmyownhandandbrainarealiketired。IfIcouldaddbutaLITTLEtoourmeansbymypen，manyofmypoorinvalid\'swantsmightbesupplied，andIcouldprocureforhercomfortstowhichsheisnowastranger。HeavenknowsitisnotforwantofWILLorforwantofENERGYonmypart，thatsheisnowinill-health，andourlittlehouseholdalmostwithoutbread。Do——docastakindglanceovermypoem，andifyoucanhelpus，thewidow，theorphanswillblessyou！Iremain，sir，inanxiousexpectancy，“Yourfaithfulservant，“S。S。S。”
Andenclosedisalittlepoemortwo，andanenvelopewithitspennystamp——heavenhelpus！——andthewriter\'snameandaddress。
NowyouseewhatImeanbyathorn。Hereisthecaseputwithtruefemalelogic。“Iampoor；Iamgood；Iamill；Iworkhard；Ihaveasickmotherandhungrybrothersandsistersdependentonme。Youcanhelpusifyouwill。”AndthenIlookatthepaper，withthethousandthpartofafainthopethatitmaybesuitable，andIfinditwon\'tdo:andIknewitwouldn\'tdo:andwhyisthispoorladytoappealtomypityandbringherpoorlittleoneskneelingtomybedside，andcallingforbreadwhichIcangivethemifIchoose?
Nodaypassesbutthatargumentadmisericordiamisused。Dayandnightthatsadvoiceiscryingoutforhelp。Thriceitappealedtomeyesterday。Twicethismorningitcriedtome:andIhavenodoubtwhenIgotogetmyhat，Ishallfinditwithitspiteousfaceanditspalefamilyaboutit，waitingformeinthehall。Oneoftheimmenseadvantageswhichwomenhaveoveroursexis，thattheyactuallyliketoreadtheseletters。Likeletters?Omercyonus！
BeforeIwasaneditorIdidnotlikethepostmanmuch:——butnow！
Averycommonwaywiththesepetitionersistobeginwithafineflummeryaboutthemeritsandeminentgeniusofthepersonwhomtheyareaddressing。Butthisartifice，Istatepublicly，isofnoavail。WhenIseeTHATkindofherb，Iknowthesnakewithinit，andflingitawaybeforeithastimetosting。Away，reptile，tothewaste-paperbasket，andthencetotheflames！
Butofthesedisappointedpeople，sometaketheirdisappointmentandmeeklybearit。Somehateandholdyoutheirenemybecauseyoucouldnotbetheirfriend。Some，furiousandenvious，say:“WhoisthismanwhorefuseswhatIoffer，andhowdareshe，theconceitedcoxcomb，todenymymerit?“
Sometimesmyletterscontainnotmerethorns，butbludgeons。HowaretwochoiceslipsfromthatnobleIrishoak，whichhasmorethanoncesuppliedalpeensforthismeekandunoffendingskull:——
“THEATREROYAL，DONNYBROOK。】】
“SIR，——IhavejustfinishedreadingthefirstportionofyourTale，LoveltheWidower，andammuchsurprisedattheunwarrantablestricturesyoupassthereinonthecorpsdeballet。
“Ihavebeenformorethantenyearsconnectedwiththetheatricalprofession，andIbegtoassureyouthatthemajorityofthecorpsdeballetarevirtuous，well-conductedgirls，and，consequently，thatsnugcottagesarenottakenforthemintheRegent\'sPark。
“IalsohavetoinformyouthattheatricalmanagersareinthehabitofspeakinggoodEnglish，possiblybetterEnglishthanauthors。
“Youeitherknownothingofthesubjectinquestion，oryouassertawilfulfalsehood。
“Iamhappytosaythatthecharactersofthecorpsdeballet，asalsothoseofactorsandactresses，aresuperiortothesnarlingsofdyspepticlibellers，orthespitefulattacksandbrutumfulmenofephemeralauthors。
“Iam，sir，yourobedientservant，“A。B。C。”
TheEditoroftheCornhillMagazine。
“THEATREROYAL，DONNYBROOK。】】
“SIR，——IhavejustreadintheCornhillMagazineforJanuary，thefirstportionofaTalewrittenbyyou，andentitledLoveltheWidower。
“Intheproductioninquestionyouemployallyourmaliciousspiteandyouhavegreatcapabilitiesthatwayintryingtodegradethecharacterofthecorpsdeballet。Whenyouimplythatthemajorityofballet-girlshavevillastakenforthemintheRegent\'sPark，I
SAYYOUTELLADELIBERATEFALSEHOOD。
“Haveingbeenbroughtuptothestagefrominfancy，andthoughnowanactress，haveingbeensevenyearsprincipaldancerattheopera，I
amcompetenttospeakonthesubject。IamonlysurprisedthatsovilealibellerasyourselfshouldbeallowedtopresideattheDramaticFunddinneronthe22ndinstant。Ithinkitwouldbemuchbetterifyouweretoreformyourownlife，insteadoftellingliesofthosewhoareimmeasurablyyoursuperiors。
“Yoursinsupremedisgust，“A。D。”
Thesignaturesoftherespectedwritersarealtered，andforthesiteoftheirTheatreRoyalanadjacentplaceisnamed，whichasI
mayhavebeenfalselyinformedusedtobefamousforquarrels，thumps，andbrokenheads。But，Isay，isthisaneasychairtositon，whenyouareliabletohaveapairofsuchshillelaghsflungatit?And，prithee，whatwasallthequarrelabout?Inthelittlehistoryof“LoveltheWidower“Idescribed，andbroughttocondignpunishment，acertainwretchofaballet-dancer，wholivedsplendidlyforawhileonill-gottengains，hadanaccident，andlostherbeauty，anddiedpoor，deserted，ugly，andeverywayodious。Inthesamepage，otherlittleballet-dancersaredescribed，wearinghomelyclothing，doingtheirduty，andcarryingtheirhumblesavingstothefamilyathome。Butnothingwillcontentmydearcorrespondentsbuttohavemedeclarethatthemajorityofballet-dancershavevillasintheRegent\'sPark，andtoconvictmeof“deliberatefalsehood。”Suppose，forinstance，Ihadchosentointroduceared-hairedwasherwomanintoastory?Imightgetanexpostulatorylettersaying，“Sir，instatingthatthemajorityofwasherwomenarered-haired，youarealiar！andyouhadbestnotspeakofladieswhoareimmeasurablyyoursuperiors。”OrsupposeIhadventuredtodescribeanilliteratehaberdasher?Oneofthecraftmightwritetome，“Sir，indescribinghaberdashersasilliterate，youutterawilfulfalsehood。HaberdashersusemuchbetterEnglishthanauthors。”Itisamistake，tobesure。IhaveneversaidwhatmycorrespondentssayIsay。Thereisthetextundertheirnoses，butwhatiftheychoosetoreadittheirownway?
“Hurroo，lads！here\'sforafight。There\'sabaldheadpeepingoutofthehut。There\'sabaldhead！ItmustbeTimMalone\'s。”Andwhack！comedownboththebludgeonsatonce。
Ahme！wewoundwhereweneverintendedtostrike；wecreateangerwherewenevermeantharm；andthesethoughtsarethethornsinourCushion。Outofmeremalignity，Isuppose，thereisnomanwhowouldliketomakeenemies。Buthere，inthiseditorialbusiness，youcan\'tdootherwise:andaqueer，sad，strange，bitterthoughtitis，thatmustcrossthemindofmanyapublicman:“DowhatIwill，beinnocentorspiteful，begenerousorcruel，thereareAandB，andCandD，whowillhatemetotheendofthechapter——tothechapter\'send——totheFinisofthepage——whenhate，andenvy，andfortune，anddisappointmentshallbeover。”
ONSCREENSINDINING-ROOMS。
AgrandsonofthelateRev。Dr。PrimroseofWakefield，vicarwrotemealittlenotefromhiscountrylivingthismorning，andthekindfellowhadtheprecautiontowrite“Nothorn“upontheenvelope，sothat，ereIbroketheseal，mymindmightberelievedofanyanxietylestthelettershouldcontainoneofthoselurkingstabswhicharesopainfultothepresentgentlewriter。Yourepigraph，mydearP。，showsyourkindandartlessnature；butdon\'tyouseeitisofnouse?Peoplewhoarebentuponassassinatingyouinthemannermentionedwillwrite“Nothorn“upontheirenvelopestoo；andyouopenthecase，andpresentlyoutfliesapoisonedstiletto，whichspringsintoaman\'sbosom，andmakesthewretchhowlwithanguish。
Whenthebailiffsareafteraman，theyadoptallsortsofdisguises，popoutonhimfromallconceivablecorners，andtaphismiserableshoulders。Hiswifeistakenill；hissweetheart，whoremarkedhisbrilliant，toobrilliantappearanceattheHydeParkreview，willmeethimatCremorne，orwhereyouwill。Theoldfriendwhohasowedhimthatmoneythesefiveyearswillmeethimatso-and-soandpay。Byonebaitorotherthevictimishooked，netted，landed，anddowngoesthebasket-lid。Itisnotyourwife，yoursweetheart，yourfriendwhoisgoingtopayyou。ItisMr。Nabthebailiff。
YOUknow——youarecaught。YouareoffinacabtoChanceryLane。
Youknow，Isay?WHYshouldyouknow?Imakenomannerofdoubtyouneverweretakenbyabailiffinyourlife。Ineverwas。I
havebeenintwoorthreedebtors\'prisons，butnotonmyownaccount。Goodnessbepraised！Imeanyoucan\'tescapeyourlot；
andNabonlystandsheremetaphoricallyasthewatchful，certain，anduntiringofficerofMr。SheriffFate。Why，mydearPrimrose，thismorningalongwithyourlettercomesanother，bearingthewell-
knownsuperscriptionofanotheroldfriend，whichIopenwithouttheleastsuspicion，andwhatdoIfind?AfewlinesfrommyfriendJohnson，itistrue，buttheyarewrittenonapagecoveredwithfemininehandwriting。“DearMr。Johnson，“saysthewriter，“IhavejustbeenperusingwithdelightamostcharmingtalebytheArchbishopofCambray。Itiscalled\'Telemachus；\'andIthinkitwouldbeadmirablysuitedtotheCornhillMagazine。AsyouknowtheEditor，willyouhavethegreatkindness，dearMr。Johnson，tocommunicatewithhimPERSONALLYasthatismuchbetterthanwritinginaroundaboutwaytothePublishers，andwaitinggoodnessknowshowlongforananswer，andstatemyreadinesstotranslatethisexcellentandinstructivestory。IdonotwishtobreatheAWORD
against\'LovelParsonage，\'\'FramleytheWidower，\'oranyofthenovelswhichhaveappearedintheCornhillMagazine，butIAMSURE
\'Telemachus\'isasgoodasnewtoEnglishreaders，andinpointofinterestandmoralityfar，“&c。&c。&c。
Thereitis。IamstabbedthroughJohnson。Hehaslenthimselftothisattackonme。Heisweakaboutwomen。Otherstrongmenare。
Hesubmitstothecommonlot，poorfellow。InmyreplyIdonotuseawordofunkindness。Iwritehimbackgently，thatIfear“Telemachus“won\'tsuitus。Hecansendtheletterontohisfaircorrespondent。Buthoweversofttheanswer，Iquestionwhetherthewrathwillbeturnedaway。Willtherenotbeacoolnessbetweenhimandthelady?andisitnotpossiblethathenceforthherfineeyeswilllookwithdarklingglancesupontheprettyorangecoverofourMagazine?
Certainwriters，theysay，haveabadopinionofwomen。NowamI
verywhimsicalinsupposingthatthisdisappointedcandidatewillbehurtatherrejection，andangryorcastdownaccordingtohernature?“Angry，indeed！“saysJuno，gatheringupherpurplerobesandroyalraiment。“Sorry，indeed！“criesMinerva，lacingonhercorseletagain，andscowlingunderherhelmet。Iimaginethewell-
knownApplecasehasjustbeenarguedanddecided。“Hurt，forsooth！DoyousupposeWEcarefortheopinionofthathobnailedloutofaParis?DoyousupposethatI，theGoddessofWisdom，can\'tmakeallowancesformortalignorance，andamsobaseastobearmaliceagainstapoorcreaturewhoknowsnobetter?Youlittleknowthegoddessnaturewhenyoudaretoinsinuatethatourdivinemindsareactuatedbymotivessobase。AloveofjusticeinfluencesUS。Weareabovemeanrevenge。Wearetoomagnanimoustobeangryattheawardofsuchajudgeinfavorofsuchacreature。”Andrustlingouttheirskirts，theladieswalkawaytogether。Thisisallverywell。Youareboundtobelievethem。Theyareactuatedbynohostility:notthey。Theybearnomalice——ofcoursenot。ButwhentheTrojanwaroccurspresently，whichsidewilltheytake?
ManybravesoulswillbesenttoHades。Hectorwillperish。PooroldPriam\'sbaldnumskullwillbecracked，andTroytownwillburn，becauseParisprefersgolden-hairedVenustoox-eyedJunoandgray-
eyedMinerva。
ThelastEssayofthisRoundaboutSeries，describingthegriefsandmiseriesoftheeditorialchair，waswritten，asthekindreaderwillacknowledge，inamildandgentle，notinawarlikeorsatiricalspirit。Ishowedhowcudgelswereapplied；butsurely，themeekobjectofpersecutionhitnoblowsinreturn。Thebeatingdidnothurtmuch，andthepersonassaultedcouldaffordtokeephisgood-humor；indeed，Iadmiredthatbravethoughillogicallittleactress，oftheT。R。D-bl-n，forherfieryvindicationofherprofession\'shonor。IassureherIhadnointentiontotelll——s——
well，letussaymonosyllables——aboutmysuperiors:andIwishhernothingbutwell，andwhenMacmahonorshallitbeMulligan?Roid\'Irlandeascendshisthrone，IhopeshemaybeappointedprofessorofEnglishtotheprincessesoftheroyalhouse。Nuper——informerdays——Itoohavemilitated；sometimes，asInowthink，unjustly；butalways，Ivow，withoutpersonalrancor。Whichofushasnotidlewordstorecall，flippantjokestoregret?Haveyounevercommittedanimprudence?Haveyouneverhadadispute，andfoundoutthatyouwerewrong?Somuchtheworseforyou。Woebetothemanquicroittoujoursavoirraison。Hisangerisnotabriefmadness，butapermanentmania。Hisrageisnotafever-fit，butablackpoisoninflaminghim，distortinghisjudgment，disturbinghisrest，embitteringhiscup，gnawingathispleasures，causinghimmorecruelsufferingthaneverhecaninflictonhisenemy。Olabellemorale！AsIwriteit，Ithinkaboutoneortwolittleaffairsofmyown。ThereisoldDr。Squaretosohecertainlywasveryrudetome，andthat\'sthefact；thereisMadamePomposaandcertainlyherladyship\'sbehaviorwasaboutascoolascoolcouldbe。Nevermind，oldSquaretoso:nevermind，MadamePomposa！Hereisahand。
Letusbefriendsasweoncewere，andhavenomoreofthisrancor。
IhadhardlysentthatlastRoundaboutPapertotheprinterwhich，Isubmit，waswritteninapacableandnotunchristianframeofmind，whenSaturdaycame，andwithit，ofcourse，mySaturdayReview。IrememberatNewYorkcomingdowntobreakfastatthehotelonemorning，afteracriticismhadappearedintheNewYorkHerald，inwhichanIrishwriterhadgivenmeadressingforacertainlectureonSwift。AhmydearlittleenemyoftheT。R，D。，whatwerethecudgelsinYOURlittlebillet-douxcomparedtothosenobleNewYorkshillelaghs?AllthroughtheUnion，theliterarysonsofErinhavemarchedalpeen-stockinhand，andineverycityoftheStatestheycalleachotherandeverybodyelsethefinestnames。
Havingcometobreakfast，then，inthepublicroom，Isitdown，andsee——thattheninepeopleoppositehaveallgotNewYorkHeraldsintheirhands。Onedearlittlelady，whomIknew，andwhosatopposite，gaveaprettyblush，andpoppedherpaperunderthetablecloth。ItoldherIhadhadmywhippingalreadyinmyownprivateroom，andbeggedhertocontinueherreading。Imayhaveundergoneagonies，yousee，buteverymanwhohasbeenbredatanEnglishpublicschoolcomesawayfromaprivateinterviewwithDr。
Birchwithacalm，evenasmilingface。Andthisisnotimpossible，whenyouareprepared。Youscrewyourcourageup——yougothroughthebusiness。Youcomebackandtakeyourseatontheform，showingnottheleastsymptomofuneasinessorofpreviousunpleasantries。
Buttobecaughtsuddenlyup，andwhippedinthebosomofyourfamily——tositdowntobreakfast，andcastyourinnocenteyeonapaper，andfind，beforeyouareaware，thattheSaturdayMonitororBlackMondayInstructorhashoistedyouandislayingon——thatisindeedatrial。Orperhapsthefamilyhaslookedatthedreadfulpaperbeforehand，andweaklytriestohideit。“WhereistheInstructor，ortheMonitor?“sayyou。“Whereisthatpaper?“saysmammatooneoftheyoungladies。Lucyhasn\'tit。Fannyhasn\'tseenit。Emilythinksthatthegovernesshasit。Atlast，outitisbrought，thatawfulpaper！PapaisamazinglytickledwiththearticleonThomson；thinksthatshowupofJohnsonisverylively；
andnow——heavenbegoodtous！——hehascometothecritiqueonhimself:——“OfalltherubbishwhichwehavehadfromMr。Tomkins，wedoprotestandvowthatthislastcartloadis“&c。Ah，poorTomkins！——butmostofall，ah！poorMrs。Tomkins，andpoorEmily，andFanny，andLucy，whohavetositbyandseepaterfamiliasputtothetorture！
Now，onthiseventfulSaturday，Ididnotcry，becauseitwasnotsomuchtheEditorasthePublisheroftheCornhillMagazinewhowasbroughtoutforadressing；anditiswonderfulhowgallantlyonebearsthemisfortunesofone\'sfriends。Thatawritershouldbetakentotaskabouthisbooks，isfair，andhemustabidethepraiseorthecensure。Butthatapublishershouldbecriticisedforhisdinners，andfortheconversationwhichdidNOTtakeplacethere，——
isthistolerablepresspractice，legitimatejoking，orhonorablewarfare?Ihavenotthehonortoknowmynext-doorneighbor，butI
makenodoubtthathereceiveshisfriendsatdinner；Iseehiswifeandchildrenpassconstantly；Ievenknowthecarriagesofsomeofthepeoplewhocalluponhim，andcouldtelltheirnames。Now，supposehisservantsweretotellminewhatthedoingsarenextdoor，whocomestodinner，whatiseatenandsaid，andIweretopublishanaccountofthesetransactionsinanewspaper，Icouldassuredlygetmoneyforthereport；butoughtItowriteit，andwhatwouldyouthinkofmefordoingso?
Andsuppose，Mr。SaturdayReviewer——youcensormorum，youwhopiqueyourselfandjustlyandhonorablyinthemainuponyourcharacterofgentleman，aswellasofwriter，suppose，notthatyouyourselfinventandinditeabsurdtwaddleaboutgentlemen\'sprivatemeetingsandtransactions，butpickthiswretchedgarbageoutofaNewYorkstreet，andholditupforyourreaders\'amusement——don\'tyouthink，myfriend，thatyoumighthavebeenbetteremployed?Here，inmySaturdayReview，andinanAmericanpapersubsequentlysenttome，I
light，astonished，onanaccountofthedinnersofmyfriendandpublisher，whicharedescribedas“tremendouslyheavy，“oftheconversationwhichdoesnottakeplace，andoftheguestsassembledatthetable。IaminformedthattheproprietoroftheCornhill，andthehostontheseoccasions，is“averygoodman，buttotallyunread；“andthatonmyaskinghimwhetherDr。Johnsonwasdiningbehindthescreen，hesaid，“Godblessmysoul，mydearsir，there\'snopersonbythenameofJohnsonhere，noranyonebehindthescreen，“andthataroaroflaughtercuthimshort。IaminformedbythesameNewYorkcorrespondentthatIhavetouchedupacontributor\'sarticle；thatIoncesaidtoaliterarygentleman，whowasproudlypointingtoananonymousarticleashiswriting，“Ah！I
thoughtIrecognizedYOURHOOFinit。”IamtoldbythesameauthoritythattheCornhillMagazine“showssymptomsofbeingonthewane，“andhavingsoldnearlyahundredthousandcopies，hethecorrespondent“shouldthinkfortythousandwasnowaboutthemark。”
Thenthegracefulwriterpassesontothedinners，atwhichitappearstheEditoroftheMagazine“isthegreatgun，andcomesoutwithallthegenialityinhispower。”
Nowsupposethischarmingintelligenceisuntrue?SupposethepublishertorecallthewordsofmyfriendtheDublinactoroflastmonthisagentlemantothefullaswellinformedasthosewhomheinvitestohistable?Supposehenevermadetheremark，beginning——
“Godblessmysoul，mydearsir，noranythingresemblingit?
Supposenobodyroaredwithlaughing?SupposetheEditoroftheCornhillMagazinenever“touchedup“onesinglelineofthecontributionwhichbears“marksofhishand?“Supposeheneversaidtoanyliterarygentleman，“IrecognizedYOURHOOF“inanyperiodicalwhatever?Supposethe40，000subscribers，whichthewritertoNewYork“consideredtobeaboutthemark，“shouldbebetween90，000and100，000andashewillhavefigures，theretheyare?Supposethisback-doorgossipshouldbeutterlyblunderinganduntrue，wouldanyonewonder?Ah！ifwehadonlyenjoyedthehappinesstonumberthiswriteramongthecontributorstoourMagazine，whatacheerfulnessandeasyconfidencehispresencewouldimparttoourmeetings！Hewouldfindthat“poorMr。Smith“hadheardthatreconditeanecdoteofDr。Johnsonbehindthescreen；andasfor“thegreatgunofthosebanquets，“withwhatgenialityshouldnotI“comeout“ifIhadanamiablecompanionclosebyme，dottingdownmyconversationfortheNewYorkTimes！
Attackourbooks，Mr。Correspondent，andwelcome。Theyarefairsubjectsforjustcensureorpraise。Butwoebetoyou，ifyouallowprivaterancorsoranimositiestoinfluenceyouinthedischargeofyourpublicduty。Inthelittlecourtwhereyouarepaidtositasjudge，ascritic，youoweittoyouremployers，toyourconscience，tothehonorofyourcalling，todeliverjustsentences；andyoushallhavetoanswertoheavenforyourdealings，assurelyasmyLordChiefJusticeontheBench。Thedignityofletters，thehonoroftheliterarycalling，theslightsputbyhaughtyandunthinkingpeopleuponliterarymen，——don\'twehearoutcriesuponthesesubjectsraiseddaily?AsdearSamJohnsonsitsbehindthescreen，tooproudtoshowhisthreadbarecoatandpatchesamongthemoreprosperousbrethrenofhistrade，thereisnowantofdignityinHIM，inthathomelyimageoflaborill-rewarded，geniusasyetunrecognized，independencesturdyanduncomplaining。ButMr。
Nameless，behindthepublisher\'sscreenuninvited，peeringatthecompanyandthemeal，catchingupscrapsofthejokes，andnotingdowntheguests\'behaviorandconversation，——whatafigurehisis！
Allons，Mr。Nameless！Putupyournote-book；walkoutofthehall；
andleavegentlemenalonewhowouldbeprivate，andwishyounoharm。
TUNBRIDGETOYS。
Iwonderwhetherthoselittlesilverpencil-caseswithamovablealmanacatthebutt-endarestillfavoriteimplementswithboys，andwhetherpedlersstillhawkthemaboutthecountry?Aretherepedlersandhawkersstill，orarerusticsandchildrengrowntoosharptodealwiththem?Thosepencil-cases，asfarasmymemoryservesme，werenotofmuchuse。Thescrew，uponwhichthemovablealmanacturned，wasconstantlygettingloose。The1ofthetablewouldworkfromitsmoorings，underTuesdayorWednesday，asthecasemightbe，andyouwouldfind，onexamination，thatTh。orW。
wasthe231/2ofthemonthwhichwasabsurdonthefaceofthething，andinawordyourcherishedpencil-caseanutterlyunreliabletime-keeper。Norwasthisamatterofwonder。Considerthepositionofapencil-caseinaboy\'spocket。Youhadhard-bakeinit；marbles，keptinyourpursewhenthemoneywasallgone；yourmother\'spurse，knittedsofondlyandsuppliedwithalittlebitofgold，longsince——prodigallittleson！——scatteredamongsttheswine——
Imeanamongstbrandy-balls，opentarts，three-corneredpuffs，andsimilarabominations。Youhadatopandstring；aknife；apieceofcobbler\'swax；twoorthreebullets；aLittleWarbler；andI，formypart，remember，foraconsiderableperiod，abrass-barrelledpocket-
pistolwhichwouldfirebeautifully，forwithitIshotoffabuttonfromButtMajor\'sjacket；——withallthesethings，andeversomanymore，clinkingandrattlinginyourpockets，andyourhands，ofcourse，keepingtheminperpetualmovement，howcouldyouexpectyourmovablealmanacnottobetwistedoutofitsplacenowandagain——yourpencil-casetobebent——yourliquoricewaternottoleakoutofyourbottleoverthecobbler\'swax，yourbull\'s-eyesnottoramupthelockandbarrelofyourpistol，andsoforth。
InthemonthofJune，thirty-sevenyearsago，Iboughtoneofthosepencil-casesfromaboywhomIshallcallHawker，andwhowasinmyform。Ishedead?Isheamillionnaire?Isheabankruptnow?Hewasanimmensescrewatschool，andIbelievetothisdaythatthevalueofthethingforwhichIowedandeventuallypaidthree-and-
sixpence，wasinrealitynotone-and-nine。
Icertainlyenjoyedthecaseatfirstagooddeal，andamusedmyselfwithtwiddlingroundthemovablecalendar。Butthispleasureworeoff。Thejewel，asIsaid，wasnotpaidfor，andHawker，alargeandviolentboy，wasexceedinglyunpleasantasacreditor。Hisconstantremarkwas，“Whenareyougoingtopaymethatthree-and-
sixpence?Whatsneaksyourrelationsmustbe?Theycometoseeyou。YougoouttothemonSaturdaysandSundays，andtheynevergiveyouanything！Don\'ttellME，youlittlehumbug！“andsoforth。
Thetruthisthatmyrelationswererespectable；butmyparentsweremakingatourinScotland；andmyfriendsinLondon，whomIusedtogoandsee，weremostkindtome，certainly，butsomehownevertippedme。Thatterm，ofMaytoAugust，1823，passedinagoniesthen，inconsequenceofmydebttoHawker。Whatwasthepleasureofacalendarpencil-caseincomparisonwiththedoubtandtortureofmindoccasionedbythesenseofthedebt，andtheconstantreproachofthatfellow\'sscowlingeyesandgloomy，coarsereminders?HowwasItopayoffsuchadebtoutofsixpenceaweek?ludicrous！Whydidnotsomeonecometoseeme，andtipme?Ah！mydearsir，ifyouhaveanylittlefriendsatschool，goandseethem，anddothenaturalthingbythem。Youwon\'tmissthesovereign。Youdon\'tknowwhatablessingitwillbetothem。Don\'tfancytheyaretooold——try\'em。Andtheywillrememberyou，andblessyouinfuturedays；andtheirgratitudeshallaccompanyyourdrearyafterlife；
andtheyshallmeetyoukindlywhenthanksforkindnessarescant。
Omercy！shallIeverforgetthatsovereignyougaveme，CaptainBob?ortheagoniesofbeingindebttoHawker?Inthatveryterm，arelationofminewasgoingtoIndia。Iactuallywasfetchedfromschoolinordertotakeleaveofhim。IamafraidItoldHawkerofthiscircumstance。IownIspeculateduponmyfriend\'sgivingmeapound。Apound?Pooh！ArelationgoingtoIndia，anddeeplyaffectedatpartingfromhisdarlingkinsman，mightgivefivepoundstothedearfellow！……TherewasHawkerwhenIcameback——ofcoursetherehewas。Ashelookedinmyscaredface，histurnedlividwithrage。Hemutteredcurses，terriblefromthelipsofsoyoungaboy。Myrelation，abouttocrosstheoceantofillalucrativeappointment，askedmewithmuchinterestaboutmyprogressatschool，heardmeconstrueapassageofEutropius，thepleasingLatinworkonwhichIwasthenengaged；gavemeaGodblessyou，andsentmebacktoschool；uponmywordofhonor，withoutsomuchasahalf-crown！Itisallverywell，mydearsir，tosaythatboyscontracthabitsofexpectingtipsfromtheirparents\'friends，thattheybecomeavaricious，andsoforth。Avaricious！fudge！Boyscontracthabitsoftartandtoffeeeating，whichtheydonotcarryintoafterlife。Onthecontrary，IwishIDIDlike\'em。Whatrapturesofpleasureonecouldhavenowforfiveshillings，ifonecouldbutpickitoffthepastry-cook\'stray！No。Ifyouhaveanylittlefriendsatschool，outwithyourhalf-crowns，myfriend，andimparttothoselittleonesthelittlefleetingjoysoftheirage。
Well，then。AtthebeginningofAugust，1823，Bartlemy-tideholidayscame，andIwastogotomyparents，whowereatTunbridgeWells。Myplaceinthecoachwastakenbymytutor\'sservants——
“Bolt-in-Tun，“FleetStreet，seveno\'clockinthemorning，wastheword。MyTutor，theRev。EdwardP——，towhomIherebypresentmybestcompliments，hadapartinginterviewwithme:gavememylittleaccountformygovernor:theremainingpartofthecoach-hire；fiveshillingsformyownexpenses；andsomefive-and-twentyshillingsonanoldaccountwhichhadbeenoverpaid，andwastoberestoredtomyfamily。
AwayIranandpaidHawkerhisthree-and-six。Ouf！whataweightitwasoffmymind！HewasaNorfolkboy，andusedtogohomefromMrs。Nelson\'s“BellInn，“Aldgate——butthatisnottothepoint。
Thenextmorning，ofcourse，wewereanhourbeforethetime。Iandanotherboysharedahackney-coach；two-and-six:porterforputtingluggageoncoach，threepence。Ihadnomoremoneyofmyownleft。
Rasherwell，mycompanion，wentintothe“Bolt-in-Tun“coffee-room，andhadagoodbreakfast。Icouldn\'t；because，thoughIhadfive-
and-twentyshillingsofmyparents\'money，Ihadnoneofmyown，yousee。
Icertainlyintendedtogowithoutbreakfast，andstillrememberhowstronglyIhadthatresolutioninmymind。Buttherewasthathourtowait。AbeautifulAugustmorning——Iamveryhungry。ThereisRasherwell“tucking“awayinthecoffee-room。Ipacethestreet，assadlyalmostasifIhadbeencomingtoschool，notgoingthence。I
turnintoacourtbymerechance——Ivowitwasbymerechance——andthereIseeacoffee-shopwithaplacardinthewindow，Coffee，Twopence。Roundofbutteredtoast，Twopence。AndhereamI，hungry，penniless，withfive-and-twentyshillingsofmyparents\'
moneyinmypocket。
Whatwouldyouhavedone?YouseeIhadhadmymoney，andspentitinthatpencil-caseaffair。Thefive-and-twentyshillingswereatrust——bymetobehandedover。
Butthenwouldmyparentswishtheironlychildtobeactuallywithoutbreakfast?Havingthismoney，andbeingsohungry，soVERY
hungry，mightn\'tItakeeversolittle?Mightn\'tIathomeeatasmuchasIchose?
Well，Iwentintothecoffee-shop，andspentfourpence。Irememberthetasteofthecoffeeandtoasttothisday——apeculiar，muddy，not-sweet-enough，mostfragrantcoffee——arich，rancid，yetnot-
buttered-enoughdelicioustoast。Thewaiterhadnothing。Atanyrate，fourpenceIknowwasthesumIspent。Andthehungerappeased，Igotonthecoachaguiltybeing。
Atthelaststage，——whatisitsname?Ihaveforgotteninseven-
and-thirtyyears，——thereisaninnwithalittlegreenandtreesbeforeit；andbythetreesthereisanopencarriage。Itisourcarriage。Yes，therearePrinceandBlucher，thehorses；andmyparentsinthecarriage。Oh！howIhadbeencountingthedaysuntilthisonecame！Oh！howhappyhadIbeentoseethemyesterday！Buttherewasthatfourpence。Allthejourneydownthetoasthadchokedme，andthecoffeepoisonedme。
Iwasinsuchastateofremorseaboutthefourpence，thatIforgotthematernaljoyandcaresses，thetenderpaternalvoice。Ipulloutthetwenty-fourshillingsandeightpencewithatremblinghand。
“Here\'syourmoney，“Igaspout，“whichMr。P——owesyou，allbutfourpence。Iowedthree-and-sixpencetoHawkeroutofmymoneyforapencil-case，andIhadnoneleft，andItookfourpenceofyours，andhadsomecoffeeatashop。”
IsupposeImusthavebeenchokingwhilstutteringthisconfession。
“Mydearboy，“saysthegovernor，“whydidn\'tyougoandbreakfastatthehotel?“
“Hemustbestarved，“saysmymother。
Ihadconfessed；Ihadbeenaprodigal；Ihadbeentakenbacktomyparents\'armsagain。Itwasnotaverygreatcrimeasyet，oraverylongcareerofprodigality；butdon\'tweknowthataboywhotakesapinwhichisnothisown，willtakeathousandpoundswhenoccasionserves，bringhisparents\'grayheadswithsorrowtothegrave，andcarryhisowntothegallows?WitnessthecareerofDickIdle，uponwhomourfriendMr。Salahasbeendiscoursing。Dickonlybeganbyplayingpitch-and-tossonatombstone:playingfair，forwhatweknow:andevenforthatsinhewaspromptlycanedbythebeadle。Thebamboowasineffectualtocanethatreprobate\'sbadcoursesoutofhim。Frompitch-and-tossheproceededtomanslaughterifnecessary:tohighwayrobbery；toTyburnandtheropethere。Ah！
heavenbethanked，myparents\'headsarestillabovethegrass，andminestilloutofthenoose。
AsIlookupfrommydesk，IseeTunbridgeWellsCommonandtherocks，thestrangefamiliarplacewhichIrememberfortyyearsago。
Boyssaunteroverthegreenwithstumpsandcricket-bats。Otherboysgallopbyontheriding-master\'shacks。IprotestitisCramp，Ridingmaster，asitusedtobeinthereignofGeorgeIV。，andthatCentaurCrampmustbeatleastahundredyearsold。Yondercomesafootmanwithabundleofnovelsfromthelibrary。AretheyasgoodasOURnovels?Oh！howdelightfultheywere！ShadesofValancour，awfulghostofManfroni，howIshudderatyourappearance！SweetimageofThaddeusofWarsaw，howoftenhasthisalmostinfantilehandtriedtodepictyouinaPolishcapandrichlyembroideredtights！AndasforCorinthianTominlightbluepantaloonsandHessians，andJerryHawthornfromthecountry，canallthefashion，canallthesplendorofreallifewhichtheseeyeshavesubsequentlybeheld，canallthewitIhaveheardorreadinlatertimes，comparewithyourfashion，withyourbrilliancy，withyourdelightfulgrace，andsparklingvivaciousrattle?
Whoknows?TheyMAYhavekeptthoseverybooksatthelibrarystill——atthewell-rememberedlibraryonthePantiles，wheretheysellthatdelightful，usefulTunbridgeware。Iwillgoandsee。I
wentmywaytothePantiles，thequeerlittleold-worldPantiles，where，ahundredyearssince，somuchgoodcompanycametotakeitspleasure。Isitpossible，thatinthepastcentury，gentlefolksofthefirstrankasIreadlatelyinalectureonGeorgeII。intheCornhillMagazineassembledhereandentertainedeachotherwithgaming，dancing，fiddling，andtea?Therearefiddlers，harpers，andtrumpetersperformingatthismomentinaweaklittleoldbalcony，butwhereisthefinecompany?Wherearetheearls，duchesses，bishops，andmagnificentembroideredgamesters?Ahalf-
dozenofchildrenandtheirnursesarelisteningtothemusicians；
anoldladyortwoinapokebonnetpasses，andfortherest，Iseebutanuninterestingpopulationofnativetradesmen。Asforthelibrary，itswindowisfullofpicturesofburlytheologians，andtheirworks，sermons，apologues，andsoforth。CanIgoinandasktheyoungladiesatthecountersfor“Manfroni，ortheOne-HandedMonk，“and“LifeinLondon，ortheAdventuresofCorinthianTom，JeremiahHawthorn，Esq。，andtheirfriendBobLogic?“——absurd。I
turnawayabashedfromthecasement——fromthePantiles——nolongerPantiles，butParade。IstrollovertheCommonandsurveythebeautifulpurplehillsaround，twinklingwithathousandbrightvillas，whichhavesprungupoverthischarminggroundsincefirstI
sawit。Whatanadmirablesceneofpeaceandplenty！Whatadeliciousairbreathesovertheheath，blowsthecloudshadowsacrossit，andmurmursthroughthefull-cladtrees！Cantheworldshowalandfairer，richer，morecheerful?IseeaportionofitwhenIlookupfromthewindowatwhichIwrite。Butfairscene，greenwoods，brightterracesgleaminginsunshine，andpurplecloudsswollenwithsummerrain——nay，theverypagesoverwhichmyheadbends——disappearfrombeforemyeyes。Theyarelookingbackwards，backintofortyyearsoff，intoadarkroom，intoalittlehousehardbyontheCommonhere，intheBartlemy-tideholidays。Theparentshavegonetotownfortwodays:thehouseisallhisown，hisownandagrimoldmaid-servant\'s，andalittleboyisseatedatnightinthelonelydrawing-room，poringover“Manfroni，ortheOne-
HandedMonk，“sofrightenedthathescarcelydarestoturnround。
DEJUVENTUTE。
OurlastpaperofthisveraciousandroundaboutseriesrelatedtoaperiodwhichcanonlybehistoricaltoagreatnumberofreadersofthisMagazine。FourIsawatthestationto-daywithorange-coveredbooksintheirhands，whocanbuthaveknownGeorgeIV。bybooks，andstatues，andpictures。Elderlygentlemenwereintheirprime，oldmenintheirmiddleage，whenhereignedoverus。Hisimageremainsoncoins；onapictureortwohanginghereandthereinaCluborold-fashioneddining-room；onhorseback，asatTrafalgarSquare，forexample，whereIdefyanymonarchtolookmoreuncomfortable。Heturnsupinsundrymemoirsandhistorieswhichhavebeenpublishedoflatedays；inMr。Massey\'s“History；“inthe“BuckinghamandGrenvilleCorrespondence；“andgentlemenwhohaveaccusedacertainwriterofdisloyaltyarereferredtothosevolumestoseewhetherthepicturedrawnofGeorgeisovercharged。Charonhaspaddledhimoff；hehasmingledwiththecrowdedrepublicofthedead。Hiseffigysmilesfromacanvasortwo。BreechlesshebestrideshissteedinTrafalgarSquare。IbelievehestillwearshisrobesatMadameTussaud\'sMadameherselfhavingquittedBakerStreetandlife，andfoundhimshemodelledt\'othersidetheStygianstream。Ontheheadofafive-shillingpiecewestilloccasionallycomeuponhim，withSt。George，thedragon-slayer，ontheothersideofthecoin。Ahme！didthisGeorgeslaymanydragons?Washeabrave，heroicchampion，andrescuerofvirgins?Well！well！haveyouandIovercomeallthedragonsthatassailUS?comealiveandvictoriousoutofallthecavernswhichwehaveenteredinlife，andsuccored，atriskoflifeandlimb，allpoordistressedpersonsinwhosenakedlimbsthedragonPovertyisabouttofastenhisfangs，whomthedragonCrimeispoisoningwithhishorriblebreath，andabouttocrunchupanddevour?Omyroyalliege！Omygraciousprinceandwarrior！YOUachampiontofightthatmonster?Yourfeeblespeareverpiercethatslimypaunchorplatedback?Seehowtheflamescomegurglingoutofhisred-hotbrazenthroat！Whataroar！Nearerandnearerhetrails，witheyesflaminglikethelampsofarailroadengine。Howhesqueals，rushingoutthroughthedarknessofhistunnel！Nowheisnear。NowheisHERE。Andnow——
what?——lance，shield，knight，feathers，horseandall?Ohorror，horror！Nextday，roundthemonster\'scave，therelieafewbonesmore。You，whowishtokeepyoursinyourskins，bethankfulthatyouarenotcalledupontogooutandfightdragons。Begratefulthattheydon\'tsallyoutandswallowyou。Keepawisedistancefromtheircaves，lestyoupaytoodearlyforapproachingthem。
Rememberthatyearspassed，andwholedistrictswereravaged，beforethewarriorcamewhowasabletocopewiththedevouringmonster。
WhenthatknightDOESmakehisappearance，withallmyheartletusgooutandwelcomehimwithourbestsongs，huzzas，andlaurelwreaths，andeagerlyrecognizehisvalorandvictory。Buthecomesonlyseldom。CountlessknightswereslainbeforeSt。Georgewonthebattle。Inthebattleoflifeareweallgoingtotryforthehonorsofchampionship?Ifwecandoourduty，ifwecankeepourplaceprettyhonorablythroughthecombat，letussay，LausDeo！attheendofit，asthefiringceases，andthenightfallsoverthefield。
Theoldweremiddle-aged，theelderlywereintheirprime，then，thirtyyearssince，whenyonroyalGeorgewasstillfightingthedragon。Asforyou，myprettylass，withyoursaucyhatandgoldentressestumbledinyournet，andyou，myspruceyounggentlemaninyourmandarin\'scaptheyoungfolksatthecountry-placewhereIamstayingaresoattired，yourparentswereunknowntoeachother，andworeshortfrocksandshortjackets，atthedateofthisfive-
shillingpiece。Onlyto-dayImetadog-cartcrammedwithchildren——
childrenwithmoustachesandmandarincaps——childrenwithsaucyhatsandhair-nets——childreninshortfrocksandknickerbockerssurelytheprettiestboy\'sdressthathasappearedthesehundredyears——childrenfromtwentyyearsofagetosix；andfather，withmotherbyhisside，drivinginfront——andonfather\'scountenanceI
sawthatverylaughwhichIrememberperfectlyinthetimewhenthiscrown-piecewascoined——inHIStime，inKingGeorge\'stime，whenwewereschool-boysseatedonthesameform。Thesmilewasjustasbroad，asbright，asjolly，asIrememberitinthepast——
unforgotten，thoughnotseenorthoughtof，forhowmanydecadesofyears，andquiteandinstantlyfamiliar，thoughsolongoutofsight。
Anycontemporaryofthatcoinwhotakesitupandreadstheinscriptionroundthelaurelledhead，“GeorgiusIV。BritanniarumRex。Fid。Def。1823，“ifhewillbutlooksteadilyenoughattheround，anduttertheproperincantation，Idaresaymayconjurebackhislifethere。Lookwell，myelderlyfriend，andtellmewhatyousee?First，IseeaSultan，withhair，beautifulhair，andacrownoflaurelsroundhishead，andhisnameisGeorgiusRex。Fid。Def。，andsoon。NowtheSultanhasdisappeared；andwhatisthatIsee?
Aboy，——aboyinajacket。Heisatadesk；hehasgreatbooksbeforehim，LatinandGreekbooksanddictionaries。Yes，butbehindthegreatbooks，whichhepretendstoread，isalittleone，withpictures，whichheisreallyreading。Itis——yes，Icanreadnow——
itisthe“HeartofMidLothian，“bytheauthorof“Waverley“——or，no，itis“LifeinLondon，ortheAdventuresofCorinthianTom，JeremiahHawthorn，andtheirfriendBobLogic，“byPierceEgan；andithaspictures——oh！suchfunnypictures！Ashereads，therecomesbehindtheboy，aman，adervish，inablackgown，likeawoman，andablacksquarecap，andhehasabookineachhand，andheseizestheboywhoisreadingthepicture-book，andlayshisheadupononeofhisbooks，andsmacksitwiththeother。Theboymakesfaces，andsothatpicturedisappears。
Nowtheboyhasgrownbigger。HEhasgotonablackgownandcap，somethinglikethedervish。Heisatatable，witheversomanybottlesonit，andfruit，andtobacco；andotheryoungdervishescomein。Theyseemasiftheyweresinging。Tothementersanoldmoollah，hetakesdowntheirnames，andordersthemalltogotobed。Whatisthis?acarriage，withfourbeautifulhorsesallgalloping——amaninredisblowingatrumpet。Manyyoungmenareonthecarriage——oneofthemisdrivingthehorses。Surelytheywon\'tdriveintothat?——ah！theyhavealldisappeared。AndnowIseeoneoftheyoungmenalone。Heiswalkinginastreet——adarkstreet——
presentlyalightcomestoawindow。Thereistheshadowofaladywhopasses。Hestandstheretillthelightgoesout。Nowheisinaroomscribblingonapieceofpaper，andkissingaminiatureeverynowandthen。Theyseemtobelineseachprettymuchofalength。
Icanreadheart，smart，dart；Mary，fairy；Cupid，stupid；true，you；andnevermindwhatmore。Bah！itisbosh。Nowsee，hehasgotagownonagain，andawigofwhitehaironhishead，andheissittingwithotherdervishesinagreatroomfullofthem，andonathroneinthemiddleisanoldSultaninscarlet，sittingbeforeadesk，andhewearsawigtoo——andtheyoungmangetsupandspeakstohim。Andnowwhatishere?Heisinaroomwitheversomanychildren，andtheminiaturehangingup。Canitbealikenessofthatwomanwhoissittingbeforethatcopperurn，withasilvervaseinherhand，fromwhichsheispouringhotliquorintocups?WasSHEeverafairy?Sheisasfatasahippopotamusnow。Heissittingonadivanbythefire。Hehasapaperonhisknees。Readthenameofthepaper。ItistheSuperfineReview。ItinclinestothinkthatMr。Dickensisnotatruegentleman，thatMr。Thackerayisnotatruegentleman，andthatwhentheoneispertandtheotherisarch，we，thegentlemenoftheSuperfineReview，think，andthinkrightly，thatwehavesomecausetobeindignant。Thegreatcausewhymodernhumorandmodernsentimentalismrepelus，isthattheyareunwarrantablyfamiliar。Now，Mr。Sterne，theSuperfineReviewerthinks，“wasatruesentimentalist，becausehewasABOVEALLTHINGS
atruegentleman。”Theflatteringinferenceisobvious:letusbethankfulforhavinganelegantmoralistwatchingoverus，andlearn，ifnottooold，toimitatehishigh-bredpolitenessandcatchhisunobtrusivegrace。Ifweareunwarrantablyfamiliar，weknowwhoisnot。Ifwerepelbypertness，weknowwhoneverdoes。Ifourlanguageoffends，weknowwhoseisalwaysmodest。Opity！Thevisionhasdisappearedoffthesilver，theimagesofyouthandthepastarevanishingaway！Wewhohavelivedbeforerailwaysweremade，belongtoanotherworld。InhowmanyhourscouldthePrinceofWalesdrivefromBrightontoLondon，withalightcarriagebuiltexpressly，andrelaysofhorseslongingtogallopthenextstage?
DoyourememberSirSomebody，thecoachmanoftheAge，whotookourhalf-crownsoaffably?Itwasonlyyesterday；butwhatagulfbetweennowandthen！THENwastheoldworld。Stage-coaches，moreorlessswift，riding-horses，pack-horses，highwaymen，knightsinarmor，Normaninvaders，Romanlegions，Druids，AncientBritonspaintedblue，andsoforth——allthesebelongtotheoldperiod。I
willconcedeahaltinthemidstofit，andallowthatgunpowderandprintingtendedtomodernizetheworld。Butyourrailroadstartsthenewera，andweofacertainagebelongtothenewtimeandtheoldone。WeareofthetimeofchivalryaswellastheBlackPrinceorSirWalterManny。Weareoftheageofsteam。Wehavesteppedoutoftheoldworldonto“Brunel\'s“vastdeck，andacrossthewatersingenspatettellus。Towardswhatnewcontinentarewewending?towhatnewlaws，newmanners，newpolitics，vastnewexpansesoflibertiesunknownasyet，oronlysurmised?Iusedtoknowamanwhohadinventedaflying-machine。“Sir，“hewouldsay，“givemebutfivehundredpounds，andIwillmakeit。ItissosimpleofconstructionthatItrembledailylestsomeotherpersonshouldlightuponandpatentmydiscovery。”Perhapsfaithwaswanting；perhapsthefivehundredpounds。Heisdead，andsomebodyelsemustmaketheflying-machine。Butthatwillonlybeastepforwardonthejourneyalreadybegunsincewequittedtheoldworld。
Thereitliesontheothersideofyonderembankments。Youyoungfolkshaveneverseenit；andWaterlooistoyounomorethanAgincourt，andGeorgeIV。thanSardanapalus。Weelderlypeoplehavelivedinthatpraerailroadworld，whichhaspassedintolimboandvanishedfromunderus。Itellyouitwasfirmunderourfeetonce，andnotlongago。Theyhaveraisedthoserailroadembankmentsup，andshutofftheoldworldthatwasbehindthem。Climbupthatbankonwhichtheironsarelaid，andlooktotheotherside——itisgone。
ThereISnootherside。Tryandcatchyesterday。Whereisit?
HereisaTimesnewspaper，datedMonday26th，andthisisTuesday27th。Supposeyoudenytherewassuchadayasyesterday?
Wewholivedbeforerailways，andsurviveoutoftheancientworld，arelikeFatherNoahandhisfamilyoutoftheArk。Thechildrenwillgatherroundandsaytouspatriarchs，“Tellus，grandpapa，abouttheoldworld。”Andweshallmumbleouroldstories；andweshalldropoffonebyone；andtherewillbefewerandfewerofus，andtheseveryoldandfeeble。Therewillbebuttenpraerailroaditesleft:thenthreethentwo——thenone——then0！IfthehippopotamushadtheleastsensibilityofwhichIcannottraceanysignseitherinhishideorhisface，Ithinkhewouldgodowntothebottomofhistank，andnevercomeupagain。Doeshenotseethathebelongstobygoneages，andthathisgreathulkingbarrelofabodyisoutofplaceinthesetimes?Whathasheincommonwiththebriskyounglifesurroundinghim?Inthewatchesofthenight，whenthekeepersareasleep，whenthebirdsareononeleg，wheneventhelittlearmadilloisquiet，andthemonkeyshaveceasedtheirchatter，——he，Imeanthehippopotamus，andtheelephant，andthelong-neckedgiraffe，perhapsmaylaytheirheadstogetherandhaveacolloquyaboutthegreatsilentantediluvianworldwhichtheyremember，wheremightymonstersflounderedthroughtheooze，crocodilesbaskedonthebanks，anddragonsdartedoutofthecavesandwatersbeforemenweremadetoslaythem。Wewholivedbeforerailwaysareantediluvians——wemustpassaway。Wearegrowingscarcereveryday；
andold——old——veryoldrelictsofthetimeswhenGeorgewasstillfightingtheDragon。
Notlongsince，acompanyofhorse-riderspaidavisittoourwatering-place。Wewenttoseethem，andIbethoughtmethatyoungWalterJuvenis，whowasintheplace，mightlikealsotowitnesstheperformance。Apantomimeisnotalwaysamusingtopersonswhohaveattainedacertainage；butaboyatapantomimeisalwaysamusedandamusing，andtoseehispleasureisgoodformosthypochondriacs。
WesenttoWalter\'smother，requestingthathemightjoinus，andthekindladyrepliedthattheboyhadalreadybeenatthemorningperformanceoftheequestrians，butwasmosteagertogointheeveninglikewise。Andgohedid；andlaughedatallMr。Merryman\'sremarks，thoughherememberedthemwithremarkableaccuracy，andinsisteduponwaitingtotheveryendofthefun，andwasonlyinducedtoretirejustbeforeitsconclusionbyrepresentationsthattheladiesofthepartywouldbeincommodediftheyweretowaitandundergotherushandtrampleofthecrowdroundabout。Whenthisfactwaspointedouttohim，heyieldedatonce，thoughwithaheavyheart，hiseyeslookinglonginglytowardstheringasweretreatedoutofthebooth。Wewerescarcelyclearoftheplace，whenweheard“GodsavetheQueen，“playedbytheequestrianband，thesignalthatallwasover。Ourcompanionentertaineduswithscrapsofthedialogueonourwayhome——preciouscrumbsofwitwhichhehadbroughtawayfromthatfeast。Helaughedoverthemagainaswewalkedunderthestars。Hehasthemnow，andtakesthemoutofthepocketofhismemory，andcrunchesabit，andrelishesitwithasentimentaltenderness，too，forheis，nodoubt，backatschoolbythistime；theholidaysareover；andDoctorBirch\'syoungfriendshavereassembled。
Queerjokes，whichcausedathousandsimplemouthstogrin！AsthejadedMerrymanutteredthemtotheoldgentlemanwiththewhip，someoftheoldfolksintheaudience，Idaresay，indulgedinreflectionsoftheirown。Therewasonejoke——Iutterlyforgetit——
butitbeganwithMerrymansayingwhathehadfordinner。Hehadmuttonfordinner，atoneo\'clock，afterwhich“hehadtoCOMETO
BUSINESS。”Andthencamethepoint。WalterJuvenis，Esq。，Rev。
DoctorBirch\'s，MarketRodborough，ifyoureadthis，willyoupleasesendmealine，andletmeknowwhatwasthejokeMr。Merrymanmadeabouthavinghisdinner?YOUrememberwellenough。ButdoIwanttoknow?Supposeaboytakesafavorite，long-cherishedlumpofcakeoutofhispocket，andoffersyouabite?Merci！Thefactis，IDON\'TcaremuchaboutknowingthatjokeofMr。Merryman\'s。