1
Icometothemostevasiveanddifficultpartofmystory，whichistotellhowIsabelandIhavemadeacommonwreckofourjointlives。
Itisnotthetellingofonesimpledisastrousaccident。Therewasaveininournaturesthatledtothiscollapse，graduallyandatthispointandthatitcrepttothesurface。Onemayindeedseeourdestruction——forindeedpoliticallywecouldnotbemoreextinctifwehadbeenshotdead——intheformofacatastropheasdisconnectedandconclusiveasameteoricstonefallingoutofheavenupontwofriendsandcrushingthemboth。ButIdonotthinkthatistruetooursituationorourselves。Wewerenottakenbysurprise。Thethingwasinusandnotfromwithout，itwasakintoourwayofthinkingandourhabitualattitudes；ithad，forallitsimpulsiveeffect，acertainnecessity。Wemighthaveescapednodoubt，astwomenatahundredyardsmayshootateachotherwithpistolsforaconsiderabletimeandescape。Butitisn\'tparticularlyreasonabletotalkofthecontrarietyoffateiftheybothgethit。
IsabelandIweredangeroustoeachotherforseveralyearsoffriendship，andnotquiteunwittinglyso。
Inwritingthis，moreover，thereisaverygreatdifficultyinsteeringmywaybetweentwoequallyundesirabletonesinthetelling。InthefirstplaceIdonotwanttoseemtoconfessmysinswithapenitenceIamverydoubtfulifIfeel。NowthatIhavegotIsabelwecannodoubtcountthecostofitandfeelunquenchableregrets，butIamnotsurewhether，ifwecouldbeputbacknowintosuchcircumstancesaswewereinayearago，ortwoyearsago，whetherwithmyeyesfullyopenIshouldnotdooveragainverymuchasIdid。AndontheotherhandIdonotwanttojustifythethingswehavedone。Wearetwobadpeople——ifthereistobeanyclassificationofgoodandbadatall，wehaveactedbadly，andquiteapartfromanyotherconsiderationswe\'velargelywastedourownverygreatpossibilities。Butitispartofaqueerhumourthatunderliesallthis，thatIfindmyselfslippingagainandagainintoasentimentaltreatmentofourcasethatisasunpremeditatedasitisinsincere。WhenIamalittletiredafteramorning\'swritingIfindthefaintsuggestiongettingintoeveryothersentencethatourblundersandmisdeedsembodied，afterthefashionoftheprophetHosea，profoundmoraltruths。Indeed，IfeelsolittleconfidenceinmyabilitytokeepthisaltogetheroutofmybookthatIwarnthereaderherethatinspiteofanythinghemayreadelsewhereinthestory，intimatinghowevershylyanesotericandexaltedvirtueinourproceedings，theplaintruthofthisbusinessisthatIsabelandIwantedeachotherwithawantentirelyformless，inconsiderate，andoverwhelming。AndthoughIcouldtellyoucountlessdelightfulandbeautifulthingsaboutIsabel，werethisabookinherpraise，Icannoteitheranalysethatwantoraccountforitsextremeintensity。
Iwillconfessthatdeepinmymindthereisabeliefinasortofwildrightnessaboutanylovethatisfraughtwithbeauty，butthateludesmeandvanishesagain，andisnot，Ifeel，tobeputwiththerealveracitiesandrighteousnessesandvirtuesinthepaddocksandmenageriesofhumanreason……
Wehavealreadyachild，andMargaretwaschildless，andIfindmyselfpronetoinsistuponthat，asifitwasajustification。
But，indeed，whenwebecameloverstherewassmallthoughtofEugenicsbetweenus。Ourswasamutualandnotaphiloprogenitivepassion。OldNaturebehindusmayhavehadsuchpurposeswithus，butitisnotforustoannexherintentionsbyamoralisingafterthought。Thereisn\'t，infact，anydecentjustificationforuswhatever——atthatthestorymuststand。
Butifthereisnojustificationthereisatleastaveryeffectiveexcuseinthementalconfusednessofourtime。Theevasionofthatpassionatelythoroughexpositionofbeliefandofthegroundsofmorality，whichistheoutcomeofthemercenaryreligiouscompromisesofthelateVaticanperiod，thestupidsuppressionofanythingbutthemosttimiddiscussionofsexualmoralityinourliteratureanddrama，thepervadingcultivatedandprotectedmuddle-
headedness，leavesmentallyvigorouspeoplewithrelativelyenormouspossibilitiesofdestructionandlittleeffectivehelp。Theyfindthemselvesconfrontedbythehabitsandprejudicesofmanifestlycommonplacepeople，andbythatextraordinarypatched-upChristianity，thecultofa\"Bromsteadised\"deity，diffused，scattered，andaimless，whichhidesfromexaminationandanypossibilityoffaithbehindthepleaofgoodtaste。Agodaboutwhomthereisdelicacyisfarworsethannogodatall。WeareFORCEDtobelawsuntoourselvesandtoliveexperimentally。Itisinevitablethataconsiderablefractionofjustthatbolder，moreinitiatorysectionoftheintellectualcommunity，thesectionthatcanleastbesparedfromthecollectivelifeinaperiodoftrialandchange，willdriftintosuchemotionalcrisesandsuchdisasterasovertookus。Mostperhapswillescape，butmanywillgodown，manymorethantheworldcanspare。Itistheunwrittenlawofallourpubliclife，andthesameholdstrueofAmerica，thatanhonestopenscandalendsacareer。Englandinthelastquarterofacenturyhaswastedhalfadozenstatesmenonthisscore；shewould，Ibelieve，rejectNelsonnowifhesoughttoserveher。Isitwonderfulthattousfrettinghereinexilethisshouldseemthecruellestaswellasthemostfoolisheliminationofanecessarysocialelement？Itdestroysnovice；forvicehidesbynature。Itnotonlyrewardsdullnessasifitwerepositivevirtue，butsetsanenormouspremiumuponhypocrisy。Thatismycase，andthatiswhyI
amtellingthissideofmystorywithsomuchexplicitness。
2
EversincetheKinghamsteadelectionIhadmaintainedwhatseemedadesultoryfriendshipwithIsabel。AtfirstitwasratherIsabelkeptitupthanI。WheneverMargaretandIwentdowntothatvilla，withitsthreeorfouracresofgardenandshrubberyaboutit，whichfulfilledourelectionpromisetoliveatKinghamstead，Isabelwouldturnupinastateoffrankcheerfulness，rejoicingatus，andtalkallshewasreadingandthinkingtome，andstayforalltherestoftheday。Inhershamelesslikingformeshewasasnaturalasasavage。Shewouldexercisemevigorouslyattennis，whileMargaretlayandrestedherbackintheafternoon，orguidemeforsomelongramblethatdodgedthesuburbanandcongestedpatchesoftheconstituencywithamazingskill。Shetookpossessionofmeinthatunabashed，straight-mindedwayagirlwillsometimesadoptwithaman，chosemypathorcriticisedmygamewithamotherlysolicitudeformywelfarethatwasabsurdanddelightful。Andwetalked。Wediscussedandcriticisedthestoriesofnovels，scrapsofhistory，pictures，socialquestions，socialism，thepolicyoftheGovernment。
Shewasyoungandmostunevenlyinformed，butshewasamazinglysharpandquickandgood。NeverbeforeinmylifehadIknownagirlofherage，orawomanofherquality。Ihadneverdreamttherewassuchtalkintheworld。KinghamsteadbecamealightlessplacewhenshewenttoOxford。Heavenknowshowmuchthatmaynothaveprecipitatedmyabandonmentoftheseat！
ShewenttoRidoutCollege，Oxford，andthatcertainlyweighedwithmewhenpresentlyaftermybreachwiththeLiberalsvariouslittleundergraduatesocietiesbegantoaskforlecturesanddiscussions。
IfavouredOxford。IdeclaredopenlyIdidsobecauseofher。AtthattimeIthinkweneitherofussuspectedthepossibilityofpassionthatlaylikeacoiledsnakeinthepathbeforeus。Itseemedtousthatwehadthequaintest，mostdelightfulfriendshipintheworld；shewasmypupil，andIwasherguide，philosopher，andfriend。Peoplesmiledindulgently——evenMargaretsmiledindulgently——atourattractionforoneanother。
Suchfriendshipsarenotuncommonnowadays——amongeasy-going，liberal-mindedpeople。Forthemostpart，there\'snosortofharm，aspeoplesay，inthem。Thetwopersonsconcernedareneversupposedtothinkofthepassionatelovethathoverssoclosetothefriendship，oriftheydo，thentheybanishthethought。Ithinkwekeptthethoughtaspermanentlyinexileasanyonecoulddo。Ifitdidinoddmomentscomeintoourheadswepretendedelaboratelyitwasn\'tthere。
Onlywewerebothveryeasilyjealousofeachother\'sattention，andtremendouslyinsistentuponeachother\'spreference。
IrememberonceduringtheOxforddaysanintimationthatshouldhavesetmethinking，andIsupposediscreetlydisentanglingmyself。
ItwasoneSundayafternoon，anditmusthavebeenaboutMay，forthetreesandshrubsofRidoutCollegeweregaywithblossom，andfreshwiththenewsharpgreensofspring。IhadwalkedtalkingwithIsabelandacoupleofothergirlsthroughthewidegardensoftheplace，seenandcriticisedthenewbrickpond，noddedtothedaughterofthisfriendandthatinthehammocksunderthetrees，andpickedawayamongthescatteredtea-partiesonthelawntoourowncircleonthegrassunderaSiberiancrabnearthegreatbaywindow。ThereIsatandategreatquantitiesofcake，anddiscussedthetacticsoftheSuffragettes。IhadmadesomecommentsuponthespiritofthemovementinanaddresstothemeninPembroke，andithadgotabroad，andagroupofgirlsandwomendonswerenowhavingitoutwithme。
Iforgetthedriftoftheconversation，orwhatitwasmadeIsabelinterruptme。Shedidinterruptme。Shebadbeenlyingproneonthegroundatmyrighthand，chinonfists，listeningthoughtfully，andIwassittingbesideoldLadyEversheadonagardenseat。I
turnedtoIsabel\'svoice，andsawherfaceuplifted，andherdearcheeksandnoseandforeheadallsplashedandbarredwithsunlightandtheshadowsofthetwigsofthetreesbehindme。Andsomething——
aninfinitetenderness，stabbedme。Itwasakeenphysicalfeeling，likenothingIhadeverfeltbefore。Ithadaqualityoftearsinit。Forthefirsttimeinmynarrowandconcentratedlifeanotherhumanbeinghadreallythrustintomybeingandgrippedmyveryheart。
Oureyesmetperplexedforanextraordinarymoment。ThenIturnedbackandaddressedmyselfalittlestifflytothesubstanceofherintervention。ForsometimeIcouldn\'tlookatheragain。
FromthattimeforthIknewIlovedIsabelbeyondmeasure。
Yetitiscuriousthatitneveroccurredtomeforayearorsothatthiswaslikelytobeamatterofpassionbetweenus。IhavetoldhowdefinitelyIputmyimaginationintoharnessinthosemattersatmymarriage，andIwaslivingnowinaworldofbiginterests，wherethereisneithermuchtimenorinclinationfordeliberatelove-
making。Isupposethereisalargeclassofmenwhonevermeetagirlorawomanwithoutthinkingofsex，whomeetafriend\'sdaughteranddecide：\"Mustn\'tgetfriendlywithher——wouldn\'tDO，\"
andsetinvisiblebarsbetweenthemselvesandallthewivesintheworld。Perhapsthatisthewaytolive。Perhapsthereisnoothermethodthanthiseffectualannihilationofhalf——andthemostsympatheticandattractivehalf——ofthehumanbeingsintheworld，sofarasanyfrankintercourseisconcerned。Iamquiteconvincedanyhowthatsuchaqualifiedintimacyasours，suchadriftingintothesenseofpossession，suchuntrammeledconversationwithaninvisible，implacablelimitsetjustwheretheintimacyglows，itisnokindoftolerablecompromise。Ifmenandwomenaretogosofartogether，theymustbefreetogoasfarastheymaywanttogo，withoutthevindictivedestructionthathascomeuponus。Onthebasisoftheacceptedcodesthejealouspeopleareright，andtheliberal-mindedonesareplayingwithfire。Ifpeoplearenottolove，thentheymustbekeptapart。Iftheyarenottobekeptapart，thenwemustprepareforanunprecedentedtolerationoflovers。
IsabelwasasunforeseeingasItobeginwith，butsexmarchesintothelifeofanintelligentgirlwithdemandsandchallengesfarmoreurgentthanthemerecallofcuriosityandsatiabledesirethatcomestoayoungman。Nowomanyethasdaredtotellthestoryofthatunfolding。Sheattractedmen，andsheencouragedthem，andwatchedthem，andtestedthem，anddismissedthem，andconcealedthesubstanceofherthoughtsabouttheminthewaythatseemsinstinctiveinanatural-mindedgirl。Therewasevenanengagement——
amidsttheprotestsanddisapprovalofthecollegeauthorities。I
neversawtheman，thoughshegavemealonghistoryoftheaffair，towhichIlistenedwithaforcedandinsinceresympathy。Shestruckmeoddlyastakingtherelationshipforathinginitself，andregardlessofitsconsequences。Afteratimeshebecamesilentabouthim，andthenthrewhimover；andbythattime，Ithink，forallthatshewassomuchmyjunior，sheknewmoreaboutherselfandmethanIwastoknowforseveralyearstocome。
Wedidn\'tseeeachotherforsomemonthsaftermyresignation，butwekeptupafrequentcorrespondence。Shesaidtwiceoverthatshewantedtotalktome，thatlettersdidn\'tconveywhatonewantedtosay，andIwentuptoOxfordprettydefinitelytoseeher——thoughI
combineditwithoneortwootherengagements——somewhereinFebruary。Insensiblyshehadbecomeimportantenoughformetomakejourneysforher。
Butwedidn\'tseeverymuchofoneanotheronthatoccasion。Therewassomethingintheairbetweenusthatmadeafaintembarrassment；
themerefact，perhaps，thatshehadaskedmetocomeup。
Ayearbeforeshewouldhavedashedoffwithmequiteunscrupulouslytotalkalone，carriedmeofftoherroomforanhourwithaminuteofchaperonagetosatisfytherules。Nowtherewasalwayssomeoneorothernearusthatitseemedimpossibletoexorcise。
WewentforawalkontheSundayafternoonwitholdFortescue，K。
C。，who\'dcomeuptoseehistwodaughters，bothgreatfriendsofIsabel\'s，andsomemuteingloriousdonwhosenameIforget，butwhowasinastateofmarkedadmirationforher。Thesixofusplayedagameofconversationalentanglementsthroughout，andmostlyIwasimpressingtheFortescuegirlswiththewantofmentalconcentrationpossibleinarisingpolitician。WewentdownCarfex，Iremember，toFollyBridge，andinspectedtheBarges，andthenbackbywayofMertontotheBotanicGardensandMagdalenBridge。AndintheBotanicGardensshegotalmostheronlychancewithme。
\"LastmonthsatOxford，\"shesaid。
\"Andthen？\"Iasked。
\"I\'mcomingtoLondon，\"shesaid。
\"Towrite？\"
Shewassilentforamoment。Thenshesaidabruptly，withthatquickflushofhersandasuddenboldnessinhereyes：\"I\'mgoingtoworkwithyou。Whyshouldn\'tI？\"
3
Here，again，IsupposeIhadafairwarningofthedriftofthings。
IseemtoremembermyselfinthetraintoPaddington，sittingwithahandfulofpapers——galleyproofsfortheBLUEWEEKLY，Isuppose——onmylap，andthinkingaboutherandthatlastsentenceofhers，andallthatitmightmeantome。
Itisveryhardtorecalleventhemainoutlineofanythingsoelusiveasameditation。Iknowthattheideaofworkingwithhergrippedme，fascinatedme。Thatmyvalueinherlifeseemedgrowingfilledmewithprideandakindofgratitude。Iwasalreadyinnodoubtthathervalueinmylifewastremendous。Itmadeitnonetheless，thatinthosedaysIwasobsessedbytheideathatshewastransitory，andboundtogooutofmylifeagain。Itisnogoodtryingtosettoofineafaceuponthiscomplexbusiness，thereisgoldandclayandsunlightandsavageryineverylovestory，andamultitudeofelvishelementspeepedoutbeneaththefinerichcurtainofaffectionthatmaskedourfuture。I\'veneverproperlyweighedhowimmenselymyvanitywasgratifiedbyherclearpreferenceforme。NorcanIforamomentdeterminehowmuchdeliberateintentionIhidefrommyselfinthisaffair。
CertainlyIthinksomepartofmemusthavebeensayinginthetrain：\"Leavegoofher。Getawayfromher。Endthisnow。\"I
can\'thavebeensostupidasnottohavehadthatinmymind……
Ifshehadbeenonlyabeautifulgirlinlovewithme，IthinkI
couldhavemanagedthesituation。OnceortwicesincemymarriageandbeforeIsabelbecameofanysignificanceinmylife，therehadbeenincidentswithotherpeople，flashesoftemptation——notellingispossibleofthethingresisted。Ithinkthatmerebeautyandpassionwouldnothavetakenme。ButbetweenmyselfandIsabelthingswereincurablycomplicatedbytheintellectualsympathywehad，thejollymarchofourmindstogether。Thathasalwaysmatteredenormously。Ishouldhavewantedhercompanynearlyasbadlyifshehadbeensomecrippledoldlady；wewouldhavehuntedshouldertoshoulder，astwomen。Onlytwomenwouldneverhavehadthepatienceandreadinessforoneanotherwetwohad。IhadneverforyearsmetanyonewithwhomIcouldbesocarelesslysureofunderstandingortowhomIcouldlistensoeasilyandfully。Shegaveme，withanextraordinarycompleteness，thatrare，preciouseffectofalwayssayingsomethingfresh，andyetsayingitsothatitfilledintoandfoldedaboutallthelittlerecessesandcornersofmymindwithaninfinite，softfamiliarity。Itisimpossibletoexplainthat。Itisliketryingtoexplainwhyhervoice，hervoiceheardspeakingtoanyone——heardspeakinginanotherroom——pleasedmyears。
ShewastheonlyOxfordwomanwhotookafirstthatyear。ShespentthesummerinScotlandandYorkshire，writingtomecontinuallyofallshenowmeanttodo，andstirringmyimagination。ShecametoLondonfortheautumnsession。ForatimeshestayedwitholdLadyColbeck，butshefelloutwithherhostesswhenitbecameclearshewantedtowrite，notnovels，butjournalism，andthensheseteveryonetalkingbytakingaflatnearVictoriaandinstallingashersoleprotectoranelderlyGermangovernessshehadengagedthroughascholasticagency。Shebeganwriting，notinthatcopiousfloodtheundisciplinedyoungwomanofgiftsisapttoproduce，butinexactlythemannerofanableyoungman，experimentingwithforms，developingthephrasingofopinions，takingadefiniteline。Shewas，ofcourse，tremendouslydiscussed。Shewasdisapprovedof，butshewasinvitedouttodinner。Shegotratherareputationforthemanagementofelderlydistinguishedmen。ItwasanoddexperiencetofollowMargaret\'ssoftrustleofsilkintosomebigdrawing-roomanddiscovermysnub-nosedgirlinthebluesacktransformedintoashiningcreatureinthesoftsplendourofpearlsandivory-whiteandlace，andwithasilverbandaboutherduskyhair。
Foratimewedidnotmeetveryfrequently，thoughalwayssheprofessedanunblushingpreferenceformycompany，andtalkedmyviewsandsoughtmeout。ThenherusefulnessupontheBLUEWEEKLY
begantolinkuscloselier。Shewouldcomeuptotheoffice，andsitbythewindow，andtalkovertheproofsofthenextweek\'sarticles，goingthroughmyintentionswithakeeninvestigatoryscalpel。Hertalkalwaysputsmeinmindofasteelblade。Herwritingbecamerapidlyverygood；shehadawitandaturnofthephrasethatwasallherown。WeseemedtohaveforgottenthelittleshadowofembarrassmentthathadfallenoverourlastmeetingatOxford。Everythingseemednaturalandeasybetweenusinthosedays；alittleunconventional，butthatmadeitallthebrighter。
Wedevelopedsomethinglikeacustomofwalks，aboutonceaweekorso，andlettersandnotesbecamefrequent。Iwon\'tpretendthingswerenotkeenlypersonalbetweenus，buttheyhadanairofbeinginnocentlymental。Sheusedtocallme\"Master\"inourtalks，amonstrousandengagingflattery，andIwasinordinatelyproudtohaveherasmypupil。Whowouldn\'thavebeen？Andwewentonatthatdistanceforalongtime——untilwithinayearoftheHanditchelection。
AfterLadyColbeckthrewherupasaltogethertoo\"intellectual\"forcomfortablecontrol，IsabelwastakenupbytheBalfesinalessformalandcompromisingmanner，andweek-endedwiththemandtheircousinLeonoraSparling，andspentlargeportionsofhersummerwiththeminHerefordshire。Therewasaloverorsointhattime，menwhocamealittletimidlyatthisbrilliantyoungpersonwiththefrankmannerandtheAmazonianmind，and，shedeclared，receivedherkindlyrefusalswithmanifestrelief。AndArnoldShoesmithstruckupasortoffriendshipthatoddlyimitatedmine。Shetookalikingtohimbecausehewasclumsyandshyandinexpressive；sheembarkeduponthedangerousinterestofhelpinghimtofindhissoul。Ihadsometwingesofjealousyaboutthat。Ididn\'tseethenecessityofhim。Heinvadedhertime，andIthoughtthatmightinterferewithherwork。IftheirfriendshipstolesomehoursfromIsabel\'swriting，itdidnotforalongwhileinterferewithourwalksorourtalks，orthecloseintimacywehadtogether。
4
ThensuddenlyIsabelandIfoundourselvespassionatelyinlove。
ThechangecamesoentirelywithoutwarningorintentionthatIfinditimpossiblenowtotelltheorderofitsphases。WhatdisturbedpebblestartedtheavalancheIcannottrace。Perhapsitwassimplythatthebarriersbetweenusandthismaskedaspectoflifehadbeenwearingdownunperceived。
AndtherecameachangeinIsabel。Itwaslikesomechangeinthecycleofnature，liketheonsetofspring——asharpbrightness，anuneasiness。Shebecamerestlesswithherwork；littleencounterswithmenbegantohappen，encountersnotquiteinthequalityoftheearlierproposals；andthencameanoddincidentofwhichshetoldme，butsomehow，Ifelt，didn\'ttellmecompletely。Shetoldmeallshewasabletotellme。ShehadbeenatadanceattheRopers\'，andaman，ratherwellknowninLondon，hadkissedher。Thethingamazedherbeyondmeasure。Itwasthesortofthingimmediatelypossiblebetweenanymanandanywoman，thatoneneverexpectstohappenuntilithappens。Ithadthesurprisingeffectofajudgegenerallyknowntobebaldsuddenlywhippingoffhiswigincourt。
Noabsolutelyunexpectedrevelationcouldhavequitethesamequalityofshock。Shewentthroughthewholethingtomewitharemarkabledetachment，toldmehowshehadfelt——andtheoddthingsitseemedtoopentoher。
\"IWANTtobekissed，andallthatsortofthing，\"sheavowed。\"I
supposeeverywomandoes。\"
Sheaddedafterapause：\"AndIdon\'twantanyonetodoit。\"
Thisstruckmeasqueerlyexpressiveofthewoman\'sattitudetothesethings。\"Someonepresentlywill——solvethat，\"Isaid。
\"Someonewillperhaps。\"
Iwassilent。
\"Someonewill，\"shesaid，almostviciously。\"Andthenwe\'llhavetostopthesewalksandtalksofours，dearMaster……I\'llbesorrytogivethemup。\"
\"It\'spartoftherequirementsofthesituation，\"Isaid，\"thatheshouldbe——oh，veryinteresting！He\'llstart，nodoubt，allsortsofnewtopics，andopennoendofattractivevistas……Youcan\'t，youknow，alwaysgoaboutinastateofpupillage。\"
\"Idon\'tthinkIcan，\"saidIsabel。\"Butit\'sonlyjustrecentlyI\'vebeguntodoubtaboutit。\"
Irememberthesethingsbeingsaid，butjusthowmuchwesawandunderstood，andjusthowfarwewerereallykeepingopaquetoeachotherthen，Icannotremember。ButitmusthavebeenquitesoonafterthisthatwespentnearlyawholedaytogetheratKewGardens，withthecurtainsupandthebarriersdown，andthethingthathadhappenedplainbeforeoureyes。Idon\'trememberweevermadeanydeclaration。Wejustassumedthenewfooting……
Itwasadayearlyinthatyear——IthinkinJanuary，becausetherewasthin，crispsnowonthegrass，andwenotedthatonlytwootherpeoplehadbeentothePagodathatday。I\'veacuriousimpressionofgreenishcolour，hot，moistairandhugepalmfrondsaboutverymuchofourtalk，asthoughwewerenearlyallthetimeintheTropicalHouse。ButIalsorememberveryvividlylookingatcertainorangeandredspray-likeflowersfromPatagonia，whichcouldnothavebeenthere。ItisacuriousthingthatIdonotrememberwemadeanyprofessionofpassionateloveforoneanother；wetalkedasthoughthefactofourintenseloveforeachotherhadalwaysbeenpatentbetweenus。Therewassolongandfrankanintimacybetweenusthatwetalkedfarmorelikebrotherandsisterorhusbandandwifethantwopeopleengagedinthewarofthesexes。Wewantedtoknowwhatweweregoingtodo，andwhateverwedidwemeanttodointhemostperfectconcert。Webothfeltanextraordinaryaccessionoffriendshipandtendernessthen，and，whatagainiscurious，verylittlepassion。Buttherewasalso，inspiteoftheperplexitieswefaced，animmensesatisfactionaboutthatday。Itwasasifwehadtakenoffsomethingthathadhinderedourviewofeachother，likepeoplewhounvizardtotalkmoreeasilyatamaskedball。
I\'vehadsincetoviewourrelationsfromthestandpointoftheordinaryobserver。Ifindthatvisioninthemostpreposterouscontrastwithallthatreallywentonbetweenus。IsupposethereI
shouldfigureasawickedseducer，whileanunprotectedgirlsuccumbedtomyfascinations。Asamatteroffact，itdidn\'toccurtousthattherewasanypersonalinequalitybetweenus。Iknewherformyequalmentally；insomanythingsshewasbeyondcomparisonclevererthanI；hercourageoutwentmine。Thequickleapofhermindevokedaflashofjoyinmineliketheresponseofaninductionwire；herwayofthinkingwaslikewatchingsunlightreflectedfromlittlewavesuponthesideofaboat，itwassobright，somobile，sovariouslyandeasilytruetoitslaw。Inthebackofourmindswebothhadaverydefinitebeliefthatmakingloveisfullofjoyous，splendid，tender，andexcitingpossibilities，andwehadtodiscusswhyweshouldn\'tbetothelastdegreelovers。
Now，whatIshouldliketoprinthere，ifitwerepossible，inallthescreamingemphasisofredink，isthis：thatthecircumstancesofmyupbringingandthecircumstancesofIsabel\'supbringinghadleftnotashadowofbelieforfeelingthattheutmostpassionatelovebetweenuswasinitselfintrinsicallyWRONG。I\'vetoldwiththefullestparticularityjustallthatIwastaughtorfoundoutformyselfinthesematters，andIsabel\'sreadingandthinking，andthefiercesilencesofhergovernessesandthebreathlesswarningsofteachers，andallthesocialandreligiousinfluencesthathadbeenbroughttobearuponher，hadworkedouttothesamevoidofconviction。Thecodehadfailedwithusaltogether。Wedidn\'tforamomentconsideranythingbuttheexpediencyofwhatweboth，forallourquietfacesandsteadyeyes，wantedmostpassionatelytodo。
Well，hereyouhavethestateofmindofwholebrigadesofpeople，andparticularlyofyoungpeople，nowadays。Thecurrentmoralityhasn\'tgrippedthem；theydon\'treallybelieveinitatall。Theymayrenderitlip-service，butthatisquiteanotherthing。Therearescarcelyanytolerablenovelstojustifyitsprohibitions；itsprohibitionsdo，infact，remainunjustifiedamongsttheseuglysuppressions。Youmay，ifyouchoose，silencetheadmissionofthisinliteratureandcurrentdiscussion；youwillnotpreventitworkingoutinlives。Peoplecomeuptothegreatmomentsofpassioncrudelyunaware，astoundinglyunpreparedasnoreallycivilisedandintelligentlyplannedcommunitywouldletanyonebeunprepared。Theyfindthemselveshedgedaboutwithcustomsthathavenoorganicholduponthem，andmerediscretionsallgenerousspiritsaredisposedtodespise。
Considertheinfiniteabsurditiesofit！Multitudesofusaretryingtorunthiscomplexmoderncommunityonabasisof\"Hush\"
withoutexplainingtoourchildrenordiscussingwiththemanythingaboutloveandmarriageatall。Doubtandknowledgecreepaboutinenforceddarknessesandsilences。Wearelivinguponanancienttraditionwhicheverybodydoubtsandnobodyhaseveranalysed。Weaffectatremendousandcultivatedshynessanddelicacyaboutimperativesofthemostarbitraryappearance。Whatensues？Whatdidensuewithus，forexample？Ontheonehandwasagreatdesire，robbedofanyappearanceofshameandgrossnessbythepoweroflove，andontheotherhand，thepossiblejealousyofsoandso，thedisapprovalofsoandso，materialrisksanddangers。Itisonlyintheretrospectthatwehavebeenabletograspsomethingoftheeffectualcaseagainstus。Thesocialprohibitionlitbytheintenseglowofourpassion，presenteditselfaspreposterous，irrational，arbitrary，andugly，amonsterfitonlyformockery。Wemightberuined！Well，thereisaphaseineveryloveaffair，asortofheroichysteria，whendeathandruinareagreeableadditionstotheprospect。Itgivesthebusinessagravity，asolemnity。
Timidpeoplemayhesitateanddrawbackwithavagueinstinctiveterroroftheimmensityoftheoppositionstheychallenge，butneitherIsabelnorIaretimidpeople。
Weweighedwhatwasagainstus。Wedecidedjustexactlyasscoresofthousandsofpeoplehavedecidedinthisverymatter，thatifitwerepossibletokeepthisthingtoourselves，therewasnothingagainstit。Andsowetookourfirststep。Withthehungerofloveinus，itwaseasytoconcludewemightbelovers，andstillkeepeverythingtoourselves。Thatclearedourmindsoftheonepersistentobstaclethatmatteredtous——thehauntingpresenceofMargaret。
Andthenwefound，asallthosescoresofthousandsofpeoplescatteredaboutushavefound，thatwecouldnotkeepittoourselves。Lovewillout。Alltherestofthisstoryisthechronicleofthat。Lovewithsustainedsecrecycannotbelove。Itisjustexactlythepointpeopledonotunderstand。
5
Butbeforethingscametothatpass，somemonthsandmanyphasesandasuddenjourneytoAmericaintervened。
\"Thisthingspellsdisaster，\"Isaid。\"YouaretoobigandIamtoobigtoattemptthissecrecy。Thinkoftheintolerablepossibilityofbeingfoundout！Atanycostwehavetostop——evenatthecostofparting。\"
\"Justbecausewemaybefoundout！\"
\"Justbecausewemaybefoundout。\"
\"Master，Ishouldn\'tintheleastmindbeingfoundoutwithyou。
I\'mafraid——I\'dbeproud。\"
\"Waittillithappens。\"
Therefollowedastruggleofimmenseinsinceritybetweenus。Itishardtotellwhourgedandwhoresisted。
ShecametomeonenighttotheeditorialroomoftheBLUEWEEKLY，andarguedandkissedmewithwetsaltlips，andweptinmyarms；
shetoldmethatnowpassionatelongingformeandmyintimatelifepossessedher，sothatshecouldnotwork，couldnotthink，couldnotendureotherpeoplefortheloveofme……
Ifledabsurdly。ThatisthesecretofthefutilejourneytoAmericathatpuzzledallmyfriends。
IranawayfromIsabel。Itookholdofthesituationwithallmystrength，putinBrittenwithsketchy，hastyinstructionstoeditthepaper，andstartedheadlongandwithluggage，fromwhich，amongotherthings，myshavingthingswereomitted，uponatourroundtheworld。
Preposterousflightthatwas！IrememberasathingalmostfarcicalmyexplanationstoMargaret，andhowfranticallyanxiousIwastopreventtheremotepossibilityofhercomingwithme，andhowI
crossedintheTUSCAN，abad，wetboat，andmixedseasicknesswithungovernablesorrow。Iwept——tears。Itwasinexpressiblyqueerandridiculous——and，goodGod！howIhatedmyfellow-passengers！
NewYorkinflamedandexcitedmeforatime，andwhenthingsslackened，IwhirledwestwardtoChicago——eatinganddrinking，I
remember，inthetrainfromshoalsoflittledishes，withasortofdesperatevoracity。Ididthequeerestthingstodistractmyself——
nonovelistwoulddaretoinventmymentalandemotionalmuddle。
Chicagoalsoheldmeatfirst，amazinglapsefromcivilisationthattheplaceis！andthenabruptly，withhostsexpectingme，andeverythingsettledforsomedaysinDenver，Ifoundmyselfattheendofmyrenunciations，andturnedandcamebackheadlongtoLondon。
Letmeconfessitwasn\'tanysenseofperfectandincurabletrustandconfidencethatbroughtmeback，oranyideathatnowIhadstrengthtorefrain。Itwasasuddenrealisationthatafteralltheseparationmightsucceed；somecarelessphrasinginoneofherjealouslyreadletterssetthatideagoinginmymind——thehauntingperceptionthatImightreturntoLondonandfinditemptyoftheIsabelwhohadpervadedit。Honour，discretion，thecareersofbothofus，becamenothingatthethought。Icouldn\'tconceivemyliferesumingtherewithoutIsabel。Icouldn\'t，inshort，standit。
Idon\'tevenexcusemyreturn。Itisinexcusable。Ioughttohavekeptuponmywaywestward——andheldout。Icouldn\'t。IwantedIsabel，andIwantedhersobadlynowthateverythingelseintheworldwasphantom-likeuntilthatwantwassatisfied。Perhapsyouhaveneverwantedanythinglikethat。Iwentstraighttoher。
ButhereIcometountellablethings。Thereisnodescribingtherealityoflove。Theshapesofthingsarenothing，theactualhappeningsarenothing，exceptthatsomehowtherefallsalightuponthemandawonder。Ofhowwemet，andthethrilloftheadventure，thecuriousbrightsenseofdefiance，thejoyofhavingdared，I
can\'ttell——Icanbuthintofjustoneaspect，ofwhatanamazingLARK——it\'stheonlyword——itseemedtous。Thebeautywhichwastheessenceofit，whichjustifiesitsofarasitwillbearjustification，eludesstatement。
Whatcanarecordofcontrivedmeetings，ofsunderingdifficultiesevadedandovercome，signifyhere？Orwhatcanitconveytosaythatonelookeddeepintotwodear，steadfasteyes，orfeltaheartthrobandbeat，orgrippedsofthairsoftlyinatremblinghand？
Robbedofencompassinglove，thesethingsareofnomorevaluethanthetasteofgoodwineorthesightofgoodpictures，orthehearingofmusic，——justsensualityandnomore。Noonecantelllove——wecanonlytellthegrossfactsofloveanditsconsequences。Givenlove——givenmutuality，andonehaseffectedasupremesynthesisandcometoanewleveloflife——butonlythosewhoknowcanknow。ThisbusinesshasbroughtmemorebitternessandsorrowthanIhadeverexpectedtobear，butevennowIwillnotsaythatIregretthatwilfulhome-comingaltogether。Weloved——totheuttermost。Neitherofuscouldhavelovedanyoneelseaswedidanddoloveoneanother。Itwasours，thatbeauty；itexistedonlybetweenuswhenwewereclosetogether，fornooneintheworldevertoknowsaveourselves。
Myreturntotheofficesticksoutinmymemorywithanextremevividness，becauseofthewildeagleofpridethatscreamedwithinme。ItwasTuesdaymorning，andthoughnotasoulinLondonknewofityetexceptIsabel，IhadbeenbackinEnglandaweek。IcameinuponBrittenandstoodinthedoorway。
\"GOD！\"hesaidatthesightofme。
\"I\'mback，\"Isaid。
Helookedatmyexcitedfacewiththosered-browneyesofhis。
SilentlyIdefiedhimtospeakhismind。
\"Wheredidyouturnback？\"hesaidatlast。
6
Ihadtotellwhatwere，sofarasIcanremembermyfirstpositiveliestoMargaretinexplainingthatreturn。IhadwrittentoherfromChicagoandagainfromNewYork，sayingthatIfeltIoughttobeonthespotinEnglandforthenewsession，andthatIwascomingback——presently。Iconcealedthenameofmyboatfromher，andmadeacalculatedprevaricationwhenIannouncedmypresenceinLondon。
ItelephonedbeforeIwentbackformyroomstobeprepared。Shewas，Iknew，withtheBuntingHarblowsinDurham，andwhenshecamebacktoRadnorSquareIhadbeenathomeaday。
Irememberherreturnsowell。
Mygoingawayandthevividsecretofthepresenthadwipedoutfrommymindmuchofourlongestrangement。Something，too，hadchangedinher。Ihadhadsomehintofitinherletters，butnowIsawitplainly。IcameoutofmystudyuponthelandingwhenIheardtheturmoilofherarrivalbelow，andshecameupstairswithaquickenedgladness。ItwasacoldMarch，andshewasdressedinunfamiliardarkfursthatsuitedherextremelyandreinforcedthedelicateflushofhersweetface。Sheheldoutbothherhandstome，anddrewmetoherunhesitatinglyandkissedme。
\"Sogladyouareback，dear，\"shesaid。\"Oh！soverygladyouareback。\"
Ireturnedherkisswithaqueerfeelingatmyheart，tooundifferentiatedtobeevenadefinitesenseofguiltormeanness。
Ithinkitwaschieflyamazement——attheuniverse——atmyself。
\"Ineverknewwhatitwastobeawayfromyou，\"shesaid。
Iperceivedsuddenlythatshehadresolvedtoendourestrangement。
Sheputherselfsothatmyarmcamecaressinglyabouther。
\"Thesearejollyfurs，\"Isaid。
\"Igotthemforyou。\"
Theparlourmaidappearedbelowdealingwiththemaidandtheluggagecab。
\"TellmeallaboutAmerica，\"saidMargaret。\"Ifeelasthoughyou\'dbeenawaysixyear\'s。\"
Wewentarminarmintoourlittlesitting-room，andItookoffthefur\'sforherandsatdownuponthechintz-coveredsofabythefire。
Shehadorderedtea，andcameandsatbyme。Idon\'tknowwhatI
hadexpected，butofallthingsIhadcertainlynotexpectedthissuddenabolitionofourdistances。
\"IwanttoknowallaboutAmerica，\"sherepeated，withhereyesscrutinisingme。\"Whydidyoucomeback？\"
Irepeatedthesubstanceofmylettersratherlamely，andshesatlistening。
\"Butwhydidyouturnback——withoutgoingtoDenver？\"
\"Iwantedtocomeback。Iwasrestless。\"
\"Restlessness，\"shesaid，andthought。\"YouwererestlessinVenice。YousaiditwasrestlessnesstookyoutoAmerica。\"
Againshestudiedme。Sheturnedalittleawkwardlytoherteathings，andpouredneedlesswaterfromthesilverkettleintotheteapot。Thenshesatstillforsomemomentslookingattheequipagewithexpressionlesseyes。Isawherhandupontheedgeofthetabletrembleslightly。Iwatchedherclosely。Avagueuneasinesspossessedme。Whatmightshenotknoworguess？
Shespokeatlastwithaneffort。\"IwishyouwereinParliamentagain，\"shesaid。\"Lifedoesn\'tgiveyoueventsenough。\"
\"IfIwasinParliamentagain，IshouldbeontheConservativeside。\"
\"Iknow，\"shesaid，andwasstillmorethoughtful。
\"Lately，\"shebegan，andpaused。\"LatelyI\'vebeenreading——you。\"
Ididn\'thelpheroutwithwhatshehadtosay。Iwaited。
\"Ididn\'tunderstandwhatyouwereafter。Ihadmisjudged。I
didn\'tknow。IthinkperhapsIwasratherstupid。\"Hereyesweresuddenlyshiningwithtears。\"Youdidn\'tgivememuchchancetounderstand。\"
Sheturneduponmesuddenlywithavoicefulloftears。
\"Husband，\"shesaidabruptly，holdinghertwohandsouttome，\"I
wanttobeginoveragain！\"
Itookherhands，perplexedbeyondmeasure。\"Mydear！\"Isaid。
\"Iwanttobeginoveragain。\"
Ibowedmyheadtohidemyface，andfoundherhandinmineandkissedit。
\"Ah！\"shesaid，andslowlywithdrewherhand。Sheleantforwardwithherarmonthesofa-back，andlookedveryintentlyintomyface。IfeltthemostdamnablescoundrelintheworldasIreturnedhergaze。ThethoughtofIsabel\'sdarklyshiningeyesseemedlikeaphysicalpresencebetweenus……
\"Tellme，\"Isaidpresently，tobreaktheintolerabletension，\"tellmeplainlywhatyoumeanbythis。\"
Isatalittleawayfromher，andthentookmyteacupinhand，withanoddeffectofdefendingmyself。\"Haveyoubeenreadingthatoldbookofmine？\"Iasked。
\"Thatandthepaper。ItookacompletesetfromthebeginningdowntoDurhamwithme。Ihavereaditover，thoughtitover。Ididn\'tunderstand——whatyouwereteaching。\"
Therewasalittlepause。
\"Itallseemssoplaintomenow，\"shesaid，\"andsotrue。\"
Iwasprofoundlydisconcerted。Iputdownmyteacup，stoodupinthemiddleofthehearthrug，andbegantalking。\"I\'mtremendouslyglad，Margaret，thatyou\'vecometoseeI\'mnotaltogetherperverse，\"Ibegan。Ilaunchedoutintoarathertriteandwindyexpositionofmyviews，andshesatclosetomeonthesofa，lookingupintomyface，hangingonmywords，adeliberateandinvincibleconvert。
\"Yes，\"shesaid，\"yes。\"……
Ihadneverdoubtedmynewconceptionsbefore；nowIdoubtedthemprofoundly。ButIwentontalking。It\'sthegrimironyinthelivesofallpoliticians，writers，publicteachers，thatoncetheaudienceisattheirfeet，anewloyaltyhasgrippedthem。Itisn\'ttheirbusinesstoadmitdoubtandimperfections。Theyhavetogoontalking。AndIwasnowsoaccustomedtoIsabel\'svividinterruptions，qualifications，restatements，andconfirmations……
MargaretandIdinedtogetherathome。Shemademeopenoutmypoliticalprojectstoher。\"Ihavebeenfoolish，\"shesaid。\"I
wanttohelp。\"
AndbysomeexcuseIhaveforgottenshemademecometoherroom。I
thinkitwassomebookIhadtotakeher，someAmericanbookIhadbroughtbackwithme，andmentionedinourtalk。Iwalkedinwithit，andputitdownonthetableandturnedtogo。
\"Husband！\"shecried，andheldoutherslenderarmstome。Iwascompelledtogotoherandkissher，andshetwinedthemsoftlyaboutmyneckanddrewmetoherandkissedme。Idisentangledthemverygently，andtookeachwristandkissedit，andthebacksofherhands。
\"Good-night，\"Isaid。Therecamealittlepause。\"Good-night，Margaret，\"Irepeated，andwalkedverydeliberatelyandwithakindofshampreoccupationtothedoor。
Ididnotlookather，butIcouldfeelherstanding，watchingme。
IfIhadlookedup，shewould，Iknew，haveheldoutherarmstome……
Attheveryoutsetthatsecret，whichwastotouchnoonebutIsabelandmyself，hadreachedouttostabanotherhumanbeing。
7
ThewholeworldhadchangedforIsabelandme；andwetriedtopretendthatnothinghadchangedexceptasmallmatterbetweenus。
Webelievedquitehonestlyatthattimethatitwaspossibletokeepthisthingthathadhappenedfromanyreactionatall，saveperhapsthroughsomemagicallyenhancedvigourinourwork，upontheworldaboutus！Seeninretrospect，onecanrealisetheabsurdityofthisbelief；withinaweekIrealisedit；butthatdoesnotalterthefactthatwedidbelieveasmuch，andthatpeoplewhoaredeeplyinloveandunabletomarrywillcontinuetobelievesototheveryendoftime。Theywillcontinuetobelieveoutofexistenceeveryconsiderationthatseparatesthemuntiltheyhavecometogether。
Thentheywillcountthecost，aswetwohadtodo。
Iamtellingastory，andnotpropoundingtheoriesinthisbook；andchieflyIamtellingoftheideasandinfluencesandemotionsthathavehappenedtome——measasortofsoundingboardformyworld。
Themoralistisatlibertytogoovermyconductwithhismeasureandsay，\"Atthispointoratthatyouwentwrong，andyououghttohavedone\"——so-and-so。Thepointofinteresttothestatesmanisthatitdidn\'tforamomentoccurtoustodoso-and-sowhenthetimefordoingitcame。Itamazesmenowtothinkhowlittleeitherofustroubledabouttheestablishedrightsorwrongsofthesituation。Wehadn\'tanatomofrespectforthem，innateoracquired。Theguardiansofpublicmoralswillsaywewereverybadpeople；Isubmitindefencethattheyareverybadguardians——
provocativeguardians……Andwhenatlasttherecameaclaimagainstusthathadaneffectivevalidityforus，wewereinthefulltideofpassionateintimacy。
IhadanightofnearlysleeplessperplexityafterMargaret\'sreturn。Shehadsuddenlypresentedherselftomelikesomethingdramaticallyrecalled，fine，generous，infinitelycapableoffeeling。IwasamazedhowmuchIhadforgottenher。InmycontemptforvulgarisedandconventionalisedhonourIhadforgottenthatformetherewassucharealityashonour。Andhereitwas，warmandneartome，living，breathing，unsuspecting。Margaret\'spridewasmyhonour，thatIhadhadnorighteventoimperil。
IdonotnowrememberifIthoughtatthattimeofgoingtoIsabelandputtingthisnewaspectofthecasebeforeher。PerhapsIdid。
PerhapsImayhaveconsideredeventhenthepossibilityofendingwhathadsofreshlyandpassionatelybegun。IfIdid，itvanishednextdayatthesightofher。Whateverregretscameinthedarkness，thedaylightbroughtanobstinateconfidenceinourresolutionagain。Wewould，wedeclared，\"pullthethingoff。\"
Margaretmustnotknow。Margaretshouldnotknow。IfMargaretdidnotknow，thennoharmwhateverwouldbedone。Wetriedtosustainthat……
Forabrieftimewehadbeenliketwopeopleinamagiccell，magicallycutofffromtheworldandfullofalightofitsown，andthenwebegantorealisethatwewerenotintheleastcutoff，thattheworldwasallaboutusandpressinginuponus，limitingus，threateningus，resumingpossessionofus。ItriedtoignoretheinjurytoMargaretofherunreciprocatedadvances。Itriedtomaintaintomyselfthatthishiddenlovemadenodifferencetothenowirreparablebreachbetweenhusbandandwife。ButIneverspokeofittoIsabelorletherseethataspectofourcase。HowcouldI？Thetimeforthathadgone……
Theninnewshapesandrelationscametrouble。Distressfulelementscreptinbyreasonofourunavoidablefurtiveness；weignoredthem，hidthemfromeachother，andattemptedtohidethemfromourselves。
Successfulloveisathingofaboundingpride，andwehadtobesecret。Itwasdelightfulatfirsttobesecret，awhispering，warmconspiracy；thenpresentlyitbecameirksomeandalittleshameful。
Heressentialfranknessofsoulwasallagainstthemasksandfalsehoodsthatmanywomenwouldhaveenjoyed。Togetherinoursecrecywerelaxed，theninthepresenceofotherpeopleagainitwastiresometohavetowatchforthecareless，tooeasyphrase，tosnatchbackone\'shandfromthelimitlessbetrayalofalight，familiartouch。
Lovebecomesapoorthing，atbestapoorbeautifulthing，ifitdevelopsnocontinuingandhabitualintimacy。Wewerealwaysmeeting，andmostgloriouslylovingandbeginning——andthenwehadtosnatchatremorselesstickingwatches，hurrytocatchtrains，andgobacktothisorthat。Thatisallverywellfortheintriguesofidlepeopleperhaps，butnotforanintensepersonalrelationship。
Itislikelightingacandleforthesakeoflightingit，overandoveragain，andeachtimeblowingitout。That，nodoubt，mustbeveryamusingtochildrenplayingwiththematches，butnottopeoplewholovewarmlight，andwantitinordertodofineandhonourablethingstogether。Wehadachieved——Igivetheuglyphrasethatexpressestheincreasingdiscolourationinmymind——\"illicitintercourse。\"Toendatthat，wenowperceived，wasn\'tinourstyle。Butwherewerewetoend？……
Perhapswemightatthisstagehavegivenitup。Ithinkifwecouldhaveseenaheadandarounduswemighthavedoneso。Buttheglowofourcellblindedus……Iwonderwhatmighthavehappenedifatthattimewehadgivenitup……Wepropoundedit，wemetagaininsecrettodiscussit，andouroverpoweringpassionforoneanotherreducedthatmeetingtoabsurdity……
Presentlytheideaofchildrencreptbetweenus。Itcameinfromallourconceptionsoflifeandpublicservice；itwas，wefound，inthequalityofourmindsthatphysicallovewithoutchildrenisalittleweak，timorous，morethanalittleshameful。Withimaginativepeoplethereveryspeedilycomesatimewhenthatrealisationisinevitable。Wehadn\'tthoughtofthatbefore——itisn\'tnaturaltothinkofthatbefore。Wehadn\'tknown。ThereisnoliteratureinEnglishdealingwithsuchthings。
Thereisanecessarysequenceofphasesinlove。Thesecameintheirorder，andwiththem，unanticipatedtarnishingsonthefirstbrightperfectionofourrelations。Foratimethesedevelopingphaseswerenomorethanasecretandprivatetroublebetweenus，littleshadowsspreadingbyimperceptibledegreesacrossthatvividandluminouscell。
8
TheHanditchelectionflungmesuddenlyintoprominence。
Itisstillonlytwoyearssincethatstruggle，andIwillnottroublethereaderwithadetailedhistoryofeventsthatmustbequitesufficientlypresentinhismindformypurposealready。HugestacksofjournalismhavedealtwithHanditchanditssignificance。
Forthereaderveryprobably，asformostpeopleoutsideacomparativelysmallcircle，itmeantmyemergencefromobscurity。
Weobtrudednoeditor\'snameintheBLUEWEEKLY；IhadneverasyetbeenontheLondonhoardings。BeforeHanditchIwasajournalistandwriterofnogreatpublicstanding；afterHanditch，Iwasdefinitelyaperson，inthelittlegroupofpersonswhostoodfortheYoungImperialistmovement。Handitchwas，toaverylargeextent，myaffair。Irealisedthen，asamancomestodo，howmuchonecanstillgrowaftersevenandtwenty。InthesecondelectionI
wasamantakingholdofthings；atKinghamsteadIhadbeensimplyayoungcandidate，apartyunit，ledabouttheconstituency，toldtodothisandthat，andfinallywashedinbythegreatAnti-
Imperialistflood，likeastarfishrollingupabeach。
Myfeministviewshadearntthemistrustoftheparty，andIdonotthinkIshouldhavegotthechanceofHanditchorindeedanychanceatallofParliamentforalongtime，ifithadnotbeenthattheseatwithitslongrecordofLiberalvictoriesanditsLiberalmajorityof3642atthelastelection，offeredahopelesscontest。
TheLiberaldissensionsandthebelatedbutbynomeanscontemptibleSocialistcandidatewereprovidentialinterpositions。Ithink，however，theconductofGane，Crupp，andTarvrilleincomingdowntofightforme，didcounttremendouslyinmyfavour。\"Wearen\'tgoingtowin，perhaps，\"saidCrupp，\"butwearegoingtotalk。\"Anduntiltheveryeveofvictory，wetreatedHanditchnotsomuchasabattlefieldasahoarding。AndsoitwastheEndowmentofMotherhoodasapracticalformofEugenicsgotintoEnglishpolitics。
Plutus，ouragent，wasscaredoutofhiswitswhenthethingbegan。
\"They\'reascribingallsortsofqueerideastoyouabouttheFamily，\"hesaid。
\"IthinktheFamilyexistsforthegoodofthechildren，\"Isaid；
\"isthatqueer？\"
\"Notwhenyouexplainit——buttheywon\'tletyouexplainit。Andaboutmarriage——？\"
\"I\'mallrightaboutmarriage——trustme。\"
\"Ofcourse，ifYOUhadchildren，\"saidPlutus，ratherinconsiderately……
TheyopenedfireuponmeinalittleelectioneeringragcalltheHANDITCHSENTINEL，withastringofgarbledquotationsandmisrepresentationsthatgavemeanadmirabletextforaspeech。I
spokeforanhourandtenminuteswithamoreandmorecrumpledcopyoftheSENTINELinmyhand，andImadethefullestandcompletestexpositionoftheideaofendowingmotherhoodthatIthinkhadeverbeenmadeuptothattimeinEngland。Itseffectonthepresswasextraordinary。TheLiberalpapersgavemequiteunprecedentedspaceundertheimpressionthatIhadonlytobegivenropetohangmyself；theConservativescutmedownortriedtojustifyme；thewholecountrywastalking。Ihadhadapamphletintypeuponthesubject，andIrevisedthiscarefullyandputitonthebook-stallswithinthreedays。Itsoldenormouslyandbroughtmebushelsofletters。WeissuedoverthreethousandinHanditchalone。AtmeetingaftermeetingIwasheckleduponnothingelse。LongbeforepollingdayPlutuswasconverted。
\"It\'scatchingonlikeoldagepensions，\"hesaid。\"We\'vedishedtheLiberals！Tothinkthatsuchaprojectshouldcomefromourside！\"
Butitwasonlywiththedeclarationofthepollthatmybattlewaswon。Nooneexpectedmorethanasnatchvictory，andIwasinbyoverfifteenhundred。AtoneboundCossington\'spaperspassedfromapologeticsvariedbyrepudiationtotriumphantpraise。\"A
renascentEngland，breedingmen，\"saidtheleaderinhischiefdailyonthemorningafterthepolling，andclaimedthattheConservativeshadbeeneverthepioneersinsanelyboldconstructiveprojects。
IcameuptoLondonwithawearybutrejoicingMargaretbythenighttrain。
CHAPTERTHESECOND
THEIMPOSSIBLEPOSITION
1
ToanyonewhodidnotknowofthatglowingsecretbetweenIsabelandmyself，Imightwellhaveappearedatthattimethemostsuccessfulandenviableofmen。Ihadrecoveredrapidlyfromanuncongenialstartinpoliticallife；IhadbecomeaconsiderableforcethroughtheBLUEWEEKLY，andwasshapinganincreasinglyinfluentialbodyofopinion；Ihadre-enteredParliamentwithquitedramaticdistinction，andinspiteofacertainfalteringonthepartoftheorthodoxConservativestowardsthebolderelementsinourpropaganda，Ihadloyalandunenviousassociateswhoweremakingmeapowerintheparty。Peoplewerecomingtoourgroup，understandingsweredeveloping。Itwasclearweshouldplayaprominentpartinthenextgeneralelection，andthat，givenaConservativevictory，Ishouldbeassuredofoffice。Theworldopenedouttomebrightlyandinvitingly。Greatschemestookshapeinmymind，alwaysmoreconcrete，alwaysmorepracticable；theyearsaheadseemedfallingintoorder，shiningwiththecrediblepromiseofimmenseachievement。
Andattheheartofitall，unseenandunsuspected，wasthesecretofmyrelationswithIsabel——likeaseedthatgerminatesandthrusts，thrustsrelentlessly。
FromtheonsetoftheHanditchcontestonward，mymeetingswithherhadbeenmoreandmorepervadedbythediscussionofoursituation。
Ithadinnumerableaspects。Itwasverypresenttousthatwewantedtobetogetherasmuchaspossible——wewerebeginningtolongverymuchforactuallivingtogetherinthesamehouse，sothatonecouldcomeasitwerecarelessly——unawares——upontheother，busyperhapsaboutsometrivialthing。Wewantedtofeeleachotherinthedailyatmosphere。Precedingourimperativelysterilepassion，youmustremember，outsideit，altogethergreaterthanitsofarasourindividualliveswereconcerned，therehadgrownandstillgrewanenormousaffectionandintellectualsympathybetweenus。Webroughtallourimpressionsandallourideastoeachother，toseethemineachother\'slight。Itishardtoconveythatqualityofintellectualunisontoanyonewhohasnotexperiencedit。I
thoughtmoreandmoreintermsofconversationwithIsabel；herpossiblecommentsuponthingswouldflashintomymind，oh！——withtheverysoundofhervoice。
Iremember，too，theoddeffectofseeingherinthedistancegoingaboutHanditch，likeanystrangercanvasser；thequeeremotionofherapproachalongthestreet，thegreetingasshepassed。Themorningofthepollingshevanishedfromtheconstituency。IsawherforaninstantinthepassagebehindourCommitteerooms。
\"Going？\"saidI。
Shenodded。
\"Stayitout。Iwantyoutoseethefun。Iremember——theothertime。\"
Shedidn\'tanswerforamomentorso，andstoodwithfaceaverted。
\"It\'sMargaret\'sshow，\"shesaidabruptly。\"IfIseehersmilingtherelikeaqueenbyyourside——！Shedid——lasttime。I
remember。\"Shecaughtatasobanddashedherhandacrossherfaceimpatiently。\"Jealousfool，meanandpetty，jealousfool！……
Goodluck，oldman，toyou！You\'regoingtowin。ButIdon\'twanttoseetheendofitallthesame……\"
\"Good-bye！\"saidI，claspingherhandassomesupporterappearedinthepassage……
IcamebacktoLondonvictorious，andalittleflushedandcoarsewithvictory；andsosoonasIcouldbreakawayIwenttoIsabel\'sflatandfoundherwhiteandworn，withthestainofsecretweepingabouthereyes。Icameintotheroomtoherandshutthedoor。
\"YousaidI\'dwin，\"Isaid，andheldoutmyarms。
Shehuggedmecloselyforamoment。
\"Mydear，\"Iwhispered，\"it\'snothing——withoutyou——nothing！\"
Wedidn\'tspeakforsomeseconds。Thensheslippedfrommyhold。
\"Look！\"shesaid，smilinglikewintersunshine。\"I\'vehadinallthemorningpapers——thepileofthem，andyou——resounding。\"
\"It\'smorethanIdaredhope。\"
\"OrI。\"
Shestoodforamomentstillsmilingbravely，andthenshewassobbinginmyarms。\"Thebiggeryouare——themoreyoushow，\"shesaid——\"themoreweareparted。Iknow，Iknow——\"
Iheldherclosetome，makingnoanswer。
Presentlyshebecamestill。\"Oh，well，\"shesaid，andwipedhereyesandsatdownonthelittlesofabythefire；andIsatdownbesideher。
\"Ididn\'tknowalltherewasinlove，\"shesaid，staringatthecoals，\"whenwewentlove-making。\"
Iputmyarmbehindherandtookahandfulofherdearsofthairinmyhandandkissedit。
\"You\'vedoneagreatthingthistime，\"shesaid。\"Handitchwillmakeyou。\"
\"Itopensbigchances，\"Isaid。\"Butwhyareyouweeping，dearone？\"
\"Envy，\"shesaid，\"andlove。\"
\"You\'renotlonely？\"
\"I\'veplentytodo——andlotsofpeople。\"
\"Well？\"
\"Iwantyou。\"
\"You\'vegotme。\"
Sheputherarmaboutmeandkissedme。\"Iwantyou，\"shesaid，\"justasifIhadnothingofyou。Youdon\'tunderstand——howawomanwantsaman。IthoughtonceifIjustgavemyselftoyouitwouldbeenough。Itwasnothing——itwasjustastepacrossthethreshold。
Mydear，everymomentyouareawayIacheforyou——ache！Iwanttobeaboutwhenitisn\'tlove-makingortalk。Iwanttobedoingthingsforyou，andwatchingyouwhenyou\'renotthinkingofme。
Allthosesafe，careless，intimatethings。Andsomethingelse——\"
Shestopped。\"Dear，Idon\'twanttobotheryou。IjustwantyoutoknowIloveyou……\"
Shecaughtmyheadinherhandsandkissedit，thenstoodupabruptly。
Ilookedupather，alittleperplexed。
\"Dearheart，\"saidI，\"isn\'tthisenough？You\'remycouncillor，mycolleague，myrighthand，thesecretsoulofmylife——\"
\"AndIwanttodarnyoursocks，\"shesaid，smilingbackatme。
\"You\'reinsatiable。\"
Shesmiled\"No，\"shesaid。\"I\'mnotinsatiable，Master。ButI\'mawomaninlove。AndI\'mfindingoutwhatIwant，andwhatisnecessarytome——andwhatIcan\'thave。That\'sall。\"
\"Wegetalot。\"
\"Wewantalot。YouandIaregreedypeopleforthethingswelike，Master。It\'sveryevidentwe\'vegotnearlyallwecaneverhaveofoneanother——andI\'mnotsatisfied。\"
\"Whatmoreisthere？
\"Foryou——verylittle。Iwonder。Forme——everything。Yes——
everything。Youdidn\'tmeanit，Master；youdidn\'tknowanymorethanIdidwhenIbegan，butlovebetweenamanandawomanissometimesveryone-sided。Fearfullyone-sided！That\'sall……\"
\"Don\'tYOUeverwantchildren？\"shesaidabruptly。
\"IsupposeIdo。\"
\"Youdon\'t！\"
\"Ihaven\'tthoughtofthem。\"
\"Amandoesn\'t，perhaps。ButIhave……Iwantthem——likehunger。YOURchildren，andhomewithyou。Really，continuallyyou！
That\'sthetrouble……Ican\'thave\'em，Master，andIcan\'thaveyou。\"
Shewascrying，andthroughhertearsshelaughed。
\"I\'mgoingtomakeascene，\"shesaid，\"andgetthisover。I\'msodiscontentedandmiserable；I\'vegottotellyou。ItwouldcomebetweenusifIdidn\'t。I\'minlovewithyou，witheverything——withallmybrains。I\'llpullthroughallright。I\'llbegood，Master，neveryoufear。Butto-dayI\'mcryingoutwithallmybeing。Thiselection——You\'regoingup；you\'regoingon。Inthesepapers——you\'reagreatbigfact。It\'ssuddenlycomehometome。AtthebackofmymindI\'vealwayshadtheideaIwasgoingtohaveyousomehowpresentlyformyself——Imeantohaveyoutogolongtrampswith，tokeephousefor，togetmealsfor，towatchforofanevening。It\'sasortofhabitualbackgroundtomythoughtofyou。Andit\'snonsense——utternonsense！\"Shestopped。Shewascryingandchoking。\"Andthechild，youknow——thechild！\"
Iwastroubledbeyondmeasure，butHanditchanditsintimationswereclearandstrong。
\"Wecan\'thavethat，\"Isaid。
\"No，\"shesaid，\"wecan\'thavethat。\"
\"We\'vegotourownthingstodo。\"
\"YOURthings，\"shesaid。
\"Aren\'ttheyyourstoo？\"
\"Becauseofyou，\"shesaid。
\"Aren\'ttheyyourveryownthings？\"
\"Womendon\'thavethatsortofveryownthing。Indeed，it\'strue！
Andthink！You\'vebeendowntherepreachingthegoodnessofchildren，tellingthemtheonlygoodthinginastateishappy，hopefulchildren，workingtofreemothersandchildren——\"
\"Andwegiveourownchildrentodoit？\"Isaid。
\"Yes，\"shesaid。\"AndsometimesIthinkit\'stoomuchtogive——toomuchaltogether……Childrengetintoawoman\'sbrain——whenshemustn\'thavethem，especiallywhenshemustneverhopeforthem。
Thinkofthechildwemighthavenow！——thelittlecreaturewithsoft，tenderskin，andlittlehandsandlittlefeet！Attimesithauntsme。Itcomesandsays，Whywasn\'tIgivenlife？Icanhearitinthenight……Theworldisfullofsuchlittleghosts，dearlover——littlethingsthataskedforlifeandwererefused。
Theyclamourtome。It\'slikealittlefistbeatingatmyheart。
Lovechildren，beautifulchildren。Littlecoldhandsthattearatmyheart！Oh，myheartandmylord！\"Shewasholdingmyarmwithbothherhandsandweepingagainstit，andnowshedrewherselftomyshoulderandweptandsobbedinmyembrace。\"Ishallneversitwithyourchildonmykneeandyoubesideme-never，andIamawomanandyourlover！……\"