Don\'twanttoputtheaccentontheCity，dowe？\"saidShoesmith，whohadafeelingforcountyfamilies，andNaylorsupportedhimbyamurmurofapproval。
\"WeoughttocallittheARVONIAN，\"decidedCossington，\"andwemightverywellhaveunderneath，\'WithwhichisincorporatedtheOBSERVER。\'Thatpicksuptheoldtraditions，makesanappealtooldboysandallthat，anditgivesussomethingtoprintunderthetitle。\"
IstillheldoutforCITYMERCHANDIZE，whichhadtakenmyfancy。
\"Someofthechaps\'peoplewon\'tlikeit，\"saidNaylor，\"certainnotto。AnditsoundsRum。\"
\"SoundsWeird，\"saidaboywhohadnothithertospoken。
\"Wearen\'tgoingtodoanythingQueer，\"saidShoesmith，pointedlynotlookingatBritten。
Thequestionofthetitlehadmanifestlygoneagainstus。\"Oh！HAVE
itARVONIAN，\"Isaid。
\"Andnext，whatsizeshallwehave？\"saidCossington。
\"SomethinglikeMACMILLAN\'SMAGAZINE——orLONGMANS\'；LONGMANS\'isbetterbecauseithasawholepage，notcolumns。Itmakesnoendofdifferencetoone\'seffects。\"
\"Whateffects？\"askedShoesmithabruptly。
\"Oh！apauseorawhitelineoranything。You\'vegottowritecloserforadoublecolumn。It\'snuggetty。Youcan\'tgetaswingonyourprose。\"IhaddiscussedthisthoroughlywithBritten。
\"Ifthefellowsaregoingtowrite——\"beganBritten。
\"Weoughttokeepofffinewriting，\"saidShoesmith。\"It\'scheek。
Ivotewedon\'thaveany。\"
\"Wesha\'n\'tgetany，\"saidCossington，andthenasanolivebranchtome，\"unlessRemingtondoesabit。OrBritten。Butit\'snogoodmakingtoomuchspaceforit。\"
\"Weoughttobeverycarefulaboutthewriting，\"saidShoesmith。
\"Wedon\'twanttogiveourselvesaway。\"
\"IvoteweaskoldTophamtoseeusthrough，\"saidNaylor。
Brittengroanedaloudandeveryoneregardedhim。\"Greekepigramsonthefellows\'names，\"hesaid。\"Smallbeerinancientbottles。
Let\'sgetastuffedbroodyhentoSITonthemagazine。\"
\"WemightdoworsethanaGreekepigram，\"saidCossington。\"Oneineachnumber。It——itimpressesparentsandkeepsupourclassiealtradition。AndthemastersCANhelp。Wedon\'twanttoantagonisethem。Ofcourse——we\'vegottodcpartmentalise。Writingisonlyonesectionofthething。TheARVONIANhastostandfortheschool。
There\'squestionsofspaceandquestionsofexpense。Wecan\'tturnoutagreatchunkofprintedproselike——likewetcoldtoastandcallitamagazine。\"
Brittenwrithed，appreciatingtheimage。
\"There\'stobeasectionofsports。YOUmustdothat。\"
\"I\'mnotgoingtodoanyfinewriting，\"saidShoesmith。
\"Whatyou\'vegottodoisjusttolistallthechapsandputanotetotheirplay：——\'Naylorminormustpassmore。Footballisn\'ttheplaceforextremeindividualism。\'\'Ammershamshapeswellashalf-
back。\'Thingslikethat。\"
\"Icoulddothatallright，\"saidShoesmith，brighteningandmanifestlyhecomingpregnantwithjudgments。
\"Onegreatthingaboutamagazineofthissort，\"saidCossington，\"istomentionjustasmanynamesasyoucanineachnumber。Itkeepstheinterestalive。Chapswillturnitoverlookingfortheirownlittlebit。Thenitalllightsupforthem。\"
\"Doyouwantanyreportsofmatches？\"Shoesmithbrokefromhismeditation。
\"Rather。Withcomments。\"
\"Naylorsurpassedhimselfandnegotiatedthelemonsafelyhome，\"
saidShoesmith。
\"Shutit，\"saidNaylormodestly。
\"Exactly，\"saidCossington。\"Thatgivesusthreefeatures，\"
touchingthemoffonhisfingers，\"Epigram，LiterarySection，Sports。Thenwewantasectiontoshoveanythinginto，ajoke，anoticeofanythingthat\'sgoingon。Soon。OurNoteBook。\"
\"Oh，Hell！\"saidBritten，andclashedhisboots，tothesilentdisapprovalofeveryone。
\"Thenwewantaneditorial。\"
\"AWHAT？\"criedBritten，withanoteofrealterrorinhisvoice。
\"Well，don\'twe？UnlesswehaveourNoteBooktobeginonthefrontpage。Itgivesascrappyeffecttodothat。Wewantsomethingmanlyandstraightforwardandabitthoughtful，aboutPatriotism，say，orESPRITDECORPS，orAfter-Life。\"
IlookedatBritten。HithertowehadnotconsideredCossingtonmatteredverymuchintheworld。
Hewentoverusasamotor-cargoesoveradog。Therewasasortofenergyabouthim，anewsortofenergytous；wehadneverrealisedthatanythingofthesortexistedintheworld。Wewerehopelesslyatadisadvantage。Almostinstantlywehaddevelopedaclearanddetailedvisionofamagazinemadeupofeverythingthatwasmostacceptableinthemagazinesthatflourishedintheadultworldaboutus，andhaddeterminedtomakeitasuccess。Hehadbyakindofinstinct，asitwere，syntheticallyplagiarisedeverysuccessfulmagazineandbreathedintothisdustymixturethebreathoflife。
Hewaselectedathisownsuggestionmanagingdirector，withtheearnestsupportofShoesmithandNaylor，andconductedthemagazinesosuccessfullyandbrilliantlythatheevengotawholebackpageofadvertisementsfromthebigsportsshopinHolborn，andmadetheprinterspayatthesamerateforanoticeofcertainbooksoftheirownwhichtheysaidtheyhadinsertedbyinadvertencytofillupspace。TheonlyliterarycontributioninthefirstnumberwasacolumnbyTophaminfaultlessstereotypedEnglishindepreciationofsomefanciedevilcalledUtilitarianStudiesandendingwiththatnobleoldquotation：——
\"TotheglorythatwasGreeceandthegrandeurthatwasRome。\"
AndFlackcrowdedusoutofnumbertwowithabrightlittlepaperonthe\"HumoursofCricket，\"andtheHeadhimselfwasprofuselythoughtfulallovertheeditorialundertheheadingof\"TheSchoolChapel；andHowitSeemstoanOldBoy。\"
BrittenandIfounditdifficulttoexpresstoeachotherwithanygraceorprecisionwhatwefeltaboutthatmagazine。
CHAPTERTHEFOURTH
ADOLESCENCE
1
Ifinditverydifficulttotracehowformwasaddedtoformandinterpretationfollowedinterpretationinmyever-spreading，ever-
deepening，ever-multiplyingandenrichingvisionofthisworldintowhichIhadbeenborn。Everydayaddeditsimpressions，itshints，itssubtleexplicationstothegrowingunderstanding。Dayafterdaythelivinginterlacingthreadsofamindweavetogether。Everymorningnowforthreeweeksandmoreforto-dayisThursdayandI
startedonaTuesdayIhavebeentryingtoconveysomeideaofthefactorsandearlyinfluencesbywhichmyparticularscrapofsubjectivetapestrywasshaped，toshowthechildplayingonthenurseryfloor，thesonperplexedbyhismother，gazingaghastathisdeadfather，exploringinterminablesuburbs，touchedbyfirstintimationsofthesexualmystery，cominginwithasortofconfusedaviditytowardsthecentresofthelifeofLondon。Itisonlybysuchanefforttowriteitdownthatonerealiseshowmarvellouslycrowded，howmarvellouslyanalyticalandsyntheticthoseearsmustbe。Onebeginswiththelittlechildtowhomtheskyisaroofofblue，theworldascreenofopaqueanddisconnectedfacts，thehomeathingeternal，and\"beinggood\"justsimpleobediencetounquestionedauthority；andonecomesatlasttothevastworldofone\'sadultperception，pierceddeepbyflaringsearchlightsofpartialunderstanding，heremaskedbymists，hererefractedanddistortedthroughhalftranslucentveils，hereshowingbroadprospectsandlimitlessvistasandhereimpenetrablydark。
Irecallphasesofdeepspeculation，doubtsandevenprayersbynight，andstrangeoccasionswhenbyasortofhypnoticcontemplationofnothingnessIsoughttopiercethewebofappearancesaboutme。Itishardtomeasurethesethingsinrecedingperspective，andnowIcannottrace，socloselyhasmoodsucceededandoverlaidandobliteratedmood，thephasesbywhichanutterhorrorofdeathwasreplacedbythegrowingrealisationofitsnecessityanddignity。Difficultyoftheimaginationwithinfinitespace，infinitetime，entangledmymind；andmoraldistressforthepainandsufferingofbygoneagesthatmadeallthoughtofreformationinthefutureseembutthegrimmestironyuponnowirreparablewrongs。Manyanintricateperplexityofthesebroadeningyearsdidnotsomuchgetsettledasceasetomatter。
Lifecrowdedmeawayfromit。
Ihaveconfessedmyselfatemerarioustheologian，andinthatpassagefromboyhoodtomanhoodIrangedwidelyinmysearchforsomepermanentlysatisfyingTruth。That，too，ceasedafteratimetobeurgentlyinteresting。Icameatlastintoaphasethatendurestothisday，ofabsolutetranquillity，ofabsoluteconfidenceinwhateverthatIncomprehensibleComprehensivewhichmustneedsbethesubstratumofallthings，maybe。FeelingOFIT，feelingBYIT，Icannotfeelafraidofit。IthinkIhadgotquiteclearlyandfinallytothatadjustmentlongbeforemyCambridgedaysweredone。Iamsurethattheevilinlifeistransitoryandfinitelikeanaccidentordistressinthenursery；thatGodismyFatherandthatImaytrustHim，eventhoughlifehurtssothatonemustneedscryoutatit，eventhoughitshowsnoconsequencebutfailure，nopromisebutpain……
ButwhileIwasfearlessoftheologyImustconfessitwascomparativelylatebeforeIfacedanddaredtoprobethesecreciesofsex。Iwasafraidofsex。Ihadaninstinctiveperceptionthatitwouldbealargeanddifficultthinginmylife，butmyearlytrainingwasallinthedirectionofregardingitasanirrelevantthing，assomethingdisconnectedfromallthebroadsignificancesoflife，ashostileanddisgracefulinitsquality。Theworldwasneversoemasculatedinthought，Isuppose，asitwasintheVictoriantime……
IwasafraidtothinkeitherofsexorwhatIhavealwaysfoundinseparablefromakindofsexualemotionbeauty。EvenasaboyI
knewthethingasahauntingandalluringmysterythatItriedtokeepawayfrom。Itsdimpresenceobsessedmenonethelessforalltheextravagantdecency，thestimulatingsilencesofmyupbringing……
TheplasterVenusesandApollosthatusedtoadornthevastaisleandhugegreyterracesoftheCrystalPalacewerethefirstintimationsofthebeautyofthebodythatevercameintomylife。
AsIwriteofitIfeelagaintheshamefulattractionofthosegraciousforms。Iusedtolookatthemnotsimply，butcuriouslyandaskance。OnceatleastinmylaterdaysatPenge，Ispentashillinginadmissionchieflyforthesakeofthem……
Thestrangestthingofallmyoddandsolitaryupbringingseemstomenowthatswathingupofallthesplendoursoftheflesh，thatstrangecombinationoffanaticalterrorismandshynessthatfencedmeaboutwithprohibitions。Itcausedmetogrowup，Iwillnotsayblanklyignorant，butwithanignoranceblurredanddishonouredbyshame，byenigmaticalwarnings，bycultivatedaversions，anignoranceinwhichafascinatedcuriosityanddesirestruggledlikeathinginanet。IknewsolittleandIfeltsomuch。TherewasindeednoAphroditeatallinmyyouthfulPantheon，butinsteadtherewasamysteriousandminatorygap。IhavetoldhowatlastanewVenuswasborninmyimaginationoutofgaslampsandthetwilight，aVenuswithacockneyaccentanddarkeyesshiningoutofthedusk，aVenuswhowasawarm，passion-stirringatmosphereratherthanincarnateinabody。AndIhavetold，too，howIboughtapicture。
Allthiswasathingapartfromtherestofmylife，alockedavoidedchamber……
ItwasnotuntilmylastyearatTrinitythatIreallybrokedownthebarriersofthisunwholesomesilenceandbroughtmysecretbroodingstothelightofday。Thenalittlesetofusplungedsuddenlyintowhatwecalledatfirstsociologicaldiscussion。I
canstillrecalleventhephysicalfeelingofthosefirsttentativetalks。IrememberthemmostlyasoccurringintheroomsofTedHatherleigh，whokeptatthecornerbytheTrinitygreatgate，butwealsousedtotalkagooddealataman\'sinKing\'s，amannamed，ifIrememberrightly，Redmayne。TheatmosphereofHatherleigh\'sroomswasahazeoftobaccosmokeagainstabackgroundbrownanddeep。Heprofessedhimselfasocialistwithanarchisticleanings——
hehadsufferedthemartyrdomofduckingforit——andahugeFrenchMay-dayposterdisplayingasplendidproletarianinredandblackonabarricadeagainstaflaringorangesky，dominatedhisdecorations。
Hatherleighaffectedafineuntidiness，andalltheplace，eventhefloor，waslitteredwithbooks，forthemostpartopenandfacedownward；deeperdarknessesweresuppliedbyadiscardedgownandourcaps，allconscientiouslybattered，Hatherleigh\'sfloppedlikeanelephant\'searandinsertedquillpenssupportedthecornersofmine；thehighlightsofthepicturecamechieflyasreflectionsfromhischequeredbluemugsfullofauditale。Wesatonoakchairs，exceptthefourorfivewhocrowdedonacapacioussettle，wedrankalotofbeerandwereoftenfuddled，andoccasionallyquitedrunk，andweallsmokedreckless-lookingpipes，——therewasatransientfashionamongusforcorncobsforwhichMarkTwain，Ithink，wasresponsible。Ourlittleexcesseswithliquorwereduefarmoretoconsciencethanappetite，indicatedchieflyaresolvetobreakawayfromrestraintsthatwesuspectedwerekeepingusofftheinstructiveknife-edgesoflife。HatherleighwasagoodEnglishmanoftheprematuretypewitharedface，alotofhair，adeepvoiceandanexplosiveplungingmanner，anditwashewhosaidoneevening——Heavenknowshowwegottoit——\"Lookhere，youknow，it\'sallRot，thisShuttingUpaboutWomen。WeOUGHTtotalkaboutthem。
Whatarewegoingtodoaboutthem？It\'sgottocome。We\'reallfesteringinsideaboutit。Let\'soutwithit。There\'stoomuchDecencyaltogetheraboutthisInfernalUniversity！\"
Werosetohischallengealittleawkwardlyandourfirsttalkwasclumsy，therewereflushedfacesandredears，andIrememberHatherleighbrokeoutintoamonologueondecency。\"ModestyandDecency，\"saidHatherleigh，\"areOrientalvices。TheJewsbroughtthemtoEurope。They\'reSemitic，justlikeourmonasticismhereandtheseclusionofwomenandmutilatingthedeadonabattlefield。
Andallthatsortofthing。\"
Hatherleigh\'smindprogressedbyhugeleaps，leapsthatwereusuallywildlyinaccurate，andforatimeweengagedhotlyuponthetopicofthoseallegedmutilationsandtheSemiticresponsibilityfordecency。HatherleightriedhardtosaddletheSemiticracewiththelesselegantwarcustomsoftheSoudanandthenorthwestfrontierofIndia，andquotedDoughty，atthattimealittle-knownauthor，andCunninghameGrahamtoshowthattheArabwasworsethanacounty-
townspinsterinhisregardforrespectability。Buthiscasewastoopreposterous，andEsmeer，withhisshrillpenetratingvoiceandhiswayofpointingwithallfourlongfingersflattogether，carriedthepointagainsthim。HequotedCatoandRomanlawandthemonasteriesofThibet。
\"Well，anyway，\"saidHatherleigh，escapingfromourhandslikeanintellectualfrog，\"Semiticornot，I\'vegotnousefordecency。\"
WearguedpointsandHatherleighprofessedanunusuallybalancedandtoleratingattitude。\"Idon\'tmindacertainrefinementanddignity，\"headmittedgenerously。\"WhatIobjecttoisthisspreadingoutofdecencyuntilitdarkensthewholesky，untilitmakesaman\'sfatherafraidtospeakofthemostimportantthings，untilitmakesamanafraidtolookafrankbookinthefaceorthink——eventhink！untilitleadstoourcomingto——tothebusinessatlastwithnothingbutafewprohibitions，afewhints，alotofdirtyjokesand，and\"——hewavedahandandseemedtoseekandcatchhisimageintheair——\"oh，aconfoundedbutteredslideofsentiment，toguideus。ItellyouI\'mgoingtothinkaboutitandtalkaboutituntilIseealittlemoredaylightthanIdoatpresent。I\'mtwenty-two。Thingsmighthappentomeanywhen。Youmencangooutintotheworldifyoulike，tosinlikefoolsandmarrylikefools，notknowingwhatyouaredoingandashamedtoask。
You\'lltaketheconsequences，too，Iexpect，prettymeekly，sniggeringabit，sentimentalisingabit，like——likeCambridgehumorists……ImeantoknowwhatI\'mdoing。\"
Hepausedtodrink，andIthinkIcutinwithideasofmyown。Butoneisapttoforgetone\'sownshareinatalk，Ifind，morethanonedoestheclear-cutobjectivityofotherpeople\'s，andIdonotknowhowfarIcontributedtothisdiscussionthatfollowed。Iam，however，prettycertainthatitwasthenthatidealthatwewerepleasedtocallaristocracyandwhichsoonbecamethecommonpropertyofoursetwasdeveloped。ItwasEsmeer，Iknow，wholaiddownandmaintainedthepropositionthatsofarasmindswenttherewerereallyonlytwosortsofmanintheworld，thearistocratandthemanwhosubdueshismindtootherpeople\'s。
\"\'Icouldn\'tTHINKofit，Sir，\'\"saidEsmeerinhiselucidatorytones；\"that\'swhataservantsays。Hismindevenisbrokenintorunbetweenfences，andheadmitsit。WE\'VEgottoheabletothinkofanything。And\'suchthingsaren\'tfortheLikesofUs！\'That\'sanotherservant\'ssaying。Well，everythingISfortheLikesofUs。
Ifweseefit，thatis。\"
Asmallfresh-colouredmaningreyobjected。
\"Well，\"explodedHatherleigh，\"ifthatisn\'tsowhatthedeuceareweupherefor？Insteadofworkinginmines？Ifsomethingsaren\'ttobethoughtaboutever！We\'vegottheprivilegeofalltheseextrayearsforgettingthingsstraightinourheads，andthenwewon\'tuse\'em。GoodGod！whatdoyouthinkauniversity\'sfor？\"……
Esmeer\'sideacamewithaneffectofrealemancipationtoseveralofus。Wewerenotgoingtobeafraidofideasanylonger，weweregoingtothrowdowneverybarrierofprohibitionandtaketheminandseewhatcameofit。Webecameforatimeevenintemperatelyexperimental，andoneofus，atthebaresuggestionofaneminentpsychicinvestigator，tookhashishandverynearlydiedofitwithinafortnightofourgreatelucidation。
Thechiefmatterofourinterchangeswasofcoursethediscussionofsex。Oncethethemehadbeenopeneditbecameasoreplaceinourintercourse；noneofusseemedabletokeepawayfromit。Ourimaginationsgotastirwithit。Wemadeupforlosttimeandwentrounditandthroughitandoveritexhaustively。IrecallprolongeddiscussionofpolygamyonthewaytoRoyston，muddyNovembertrampstoMadingley，whenamidstmuchprofanityfromHatherleighattheserioustreatmentofsoobsoleteamatter，weweighedthereasons，ifany，fortheinstitutionofmarriage。Thefinedimnight-timespacesoftheGreatCourtareboundupwiththeinconclusivefinalesofmightyhot-earedwrangles；thenarrowsofTrinityStreetandPettyCuryandMarketHillhavetheirparticularassociationsformewiththatspateofconfessionandfreespeech，thatalmostpainfulgoaldeliveryoflongpentandcrappledandsometimescrippledideas。
AndwewentonareadingpartythatEastertoaplacecalledPulboroughinSussex，wherethereisafishinginnandariverthatgoesunderabridge。ItwasalateEasterandablazingone，andweboatedandbathedandtalkedofbeingHellenicandthebeautyofthebodyuntilatmomentsitseemedtousthatweweredestinedtorestoretheGoldenAge，bythesimpleabolitionoftailorsandoutfitters。
Thoseundergraduatetalks！howrichandglorioustheyseemed，howsplendidlynewtheideasthatgrewandmultipliedinourseethingminds！WemadelongafternoonandeveningraidsovertheDownstowardsArundel，andwouldcometrampingbackthroughthestillkeenmoonlightsingingandshouting。Weformedromanticfriendshipswithoneanother，andgrievedmoreorlessconvincinglythattherewerenosplendidwomenfittobeourcompanionsintheworld。ButHatherleigh，itseemed，hadonceknownagirlwhosehairwasgloriouslyred。\"MyGod！\"saidHatherleightoconveythequalityofher；justsimplyandwithprojectileviolence：\"MyGod！
Bentonhadheardofawomanwholivedwithamanrefusingtobemarriedtohim——wethoughtthatsplendidbeyondmeasure，——Icannotnowimaginewhy。Shewas\"likeatendergoddess，\"Bentonsaid。A
sortofshamecameuponusinthedarkinspiteofourliberalintentionswhenBentoncommittedhimselftothat。Andaftersuchtalkwewouldfallupongreatpausesofemotionaldreaming，andifbychancewepassedagirlinagovernesscart，orsomefarmer\'sdaughterwalkingtothestation，webecamealertlysilentorobstreperouslyindifferenttoher。Formightshenotbejustthatoneexceptiontothebanaldecency，thesicklypointlessconventionality，theshammodestyofthetimesinwhichwelived？
Wefeltwestoodforanewmovement，notrealisinghowperenniallythissameemancipationreturnstothoseancientcourtsbesidetheCam。Weweretheanti-decencyparty，wediscoveredacatchphrasethatweflourishedaboutintheUnionandmadeourwatchword，namely，\"starkfact。\"Wehungnudepicturesinourroomsmuchasiftheyhadbeenflags，totheearnestconcernofourbedders，andI
disinterredmylong-keptengravingandhaditframedinfumedoak，andfoundforitacompleterandlessrestrainedcompanion，acompanionInevercaredforintheslightestdegree……
Thisefflorescencedidnotprevent，Ithinkindeeditratherhelped，ourmoreformaluniversitywork，formostofustookfirsts，andthreeofusgotFellowshipsinoneyearoranother。TherewasBentonwhohadaResearchFellowshipandwenttoTubingen，therewasEsmeerandmyselfwhobothbecameResidentialFellows。IhadtakentheMentalandMoralScienceTriposasitwasthen，andthreeyearslaterIgotalectureshipinpoliticalscience。InthosedaysitwasdisguisedinthecloakofPoliticalEconomy。
2
Itwasouraffectationtobealittledetachedfromthemainstreamofundergraduatelife。Weworkedprettyhard，butbyvirtueofourbeer，oursocialismandsuchlikeheterodoxy，heldourselvestobedifferentiatedfromtheswattingreadingman。Noneofus，exceptBaxter，whowasarowingblue，aratherabnormalbluewithanappetiteforideas，tookgamesseriouslyenoughtotrain，andontheotherhandweintimatedcontemptfortherathermediocre，deliberatelyhumorous，consciouslygentlemanlyandconsciouslywildundergraduatemenwhomadeupthemassofCambridgelife。Afterthemannerofyouthwewerealtogethertoohardonourcontemporaries。
Webatteredourcapsandtoreourgownslesttheyshouldseemnew，andwedespisedtheseothersextremelyfordoingexactlythesamethings；wehadanideaofourselvesandresentedbeyondmeasureasimilarweaknessintheseourbrothers。
Therewasatype，oratleastthereseemedtoustobeatype——I\'malittledoubtfulattimesnowwhetherafterallwedidn\'tcreateit——
forwhichHatherleighinventedthenicknamethe\"PinkyDinkys，\"
intendingtherebybothcontemptandabhorrenceinalmostequalmeasure。ThePinkyDinkysummarisedallthatweparticularlydidnotwanttobe，andalso，Inowperceive，muchofwhatwewereandallthatwesecretlydreadedbecoming。
ButitishardtoconveythePinkyDinkyidea，forallthatitmeantsomuchtous。WespentoneeveningatleastduringthatreadingpartyuponthePinkyDinky；wesataboutouronefireafterawalkintherain——itwasouronlywetday——smokedourexcessivelyvirilepipes，andelaboratedthenaturalhistoryofthePinkyDinky。WeimprovisedasortofPinkyDinkylitany，andHatherleighsupplieddeepnotesfortheresponses。
\"ThePinkyDinkyextractsagooddealofamusementfromlife，\"saidsomeone。
\"Damnedprig！\"saidHatherleigh。
\"ThePinkyDinkyarisesintheUnionandtreatsthequestionwithalightgaytouch。Hemakestheweirdonesmad。Butsometimeshecannotgoonbecauseoftheamusementheextracts。\"
\"Iwanttoshybooksatthegigglingswine，\"saidHatherleigh。
\"ThePinkyDinkysayssuddenlywhileheismakingthetea，\'We\'reallbeingfrightfullyfunny。It\'stimeforyoutosaysomethingnow。\'\"
\"ThePinkyDinkyshakeshisheadandsays：\'I\'mafraidIshallneverbearesponsiblebeing。\'AndhereallyISfrivolous。\"
\"Frivolousbutnotvulgar，\"saidEsmeer。
\"PinkyDinkysarechapswho\'vehadtheirbudsnipped，\"saidHatherleigh。\"They\'rePlebsandtheyknowit。Theyhaven\'ttheGutstogetholdofthings。Andsotheyworryupallthosesillylittlejokesoftheirstocarryitoff。\"……
Wetriedbadonesforatime，viciouslyflavoured。
PinkyDinkysareduetoover-productionofthetypethatoughttokeepoutfitters\'shops。PinkyDinkyswouldliketokeepoutfitters\'
shopswithwhimsy\'scriptionsontheboxesandmakeyourbilloutfunny，andnotbesnobstocustomers，no！——noteveniftheyhadtitles。\"
\"EveryPinkyDinky\'speoplearerathergoodpeople，andbetterthanmostPinkyDinky\'speople。Buthedoesnotputonside。\"
\"PinkyDinkysbecomeplayfulatthesightofwomen。\"
\"\'Croquet\'smygame，\'saidthePinkyDinky，andfeltamancondescended。\"
\"Butwhatthedevildotheythinkthey\'reupto，anyhow？\"roaredoldHatherleighsuddenly，droppingplumpintobottomlessdespair。
WefeltwehadstillfailedtogetatthecoreofthemysteryofthePinkyDinky。
Wetriedoverthingsabouthisreligion。\"ThePinkyDinkygoestoKing\'sChapel，andsitsandfeelsinthedusk。Solemnthings！OhHUSH！Hewouldn\'ttellyou——\"
\"HeCOULDN\'Ttellyou。\"
\"Religionissosacredtohimhenevertalksaboutit，neverreadsaboutit，neverthinksaboutit。Justfeels！\"
\"Butinhisheartofhearts，oh！eversodeep，thePinkyDinkyhasadoubt——\"
Someoneprotested。
\"Notavulgardoubt，\"Esmeerwenton，\"butakindofhesitationwhethertheAncientofDaysisreallyexactlywhatonewouldcallgoodform……There\'salotofhorridcoarsenessgotintotheworldsomehow。SOMEBODYputitthere……Andanyhowthere\'snoparticularreasonwhyamanshouldbeseenaboutwithHim。He\'sjollyAwfulofcourseandallthat——\"
\"ThePinkyDinkyforallhisfunandlevityhasacleanmind。\"
\"Athoroughlycleanmind。NotlikeEsmeer\'s——thePig！\"
\"Ifoncehebegantothinkaboutsex，howcouldhebecomfortableatcroquet？\"
\"It\'stheirDamnedModesty，\"saidHatherleighsuddenly，\"that\'swhat\'sthematterwiththePinkyDinky。It\'sMentalCowardicedressedupasavirtueandtakingthepoordearsin。Cambridgeissoakedwithit；it\'ssomeconfoundedlocalbacillus。LikethethingthatgivesaflavourtoHavanacigars。Hecomesupheretobemadeintoamanandarulerofthepeople，andhethinksitshowsanicedispositionnottotakeonthejob！HowtheDevilisagreatEmpiretoberunwithmenlikehim？\"
\"Allhislittlejokesandthings，\"saidEsmeerregardinghisfeetonthefender，\"it\'sjustanervoussniggering——becausehe\'safraid……
Oxford\'snobetter。\"
\"What\'sheafraidof？\"saidI。
\"Godknows！\"explodedHatherleighandstaredatthefire。
\"LIFE！\"saidEsmeer。\"Andsoinawayarewe，\"headded，andmadeathoughtfulsilenceforatime。
\"Isay，\"beganCarter，whowasdoingtheNaturalScienceTripos，\"whatistheadultformofthePinkyDinky？\"
Buttherewewerecheckedbyourignoranceoftheworld。
\"Whatistheadultformofanyofus？\"askedBenton，voicingthethoughtthathadarrestedourflow。
3
IdonotrememberthatweeverliftedourcriticismtothedonsandtheorganisationoftheUniversity。Ithinkwetookthemforgranted。WhenIlookbackatmyyouthIamalwaysastonishedbythemultitudeofthingsthatwetookforgranted。ItseemedtousthatCambridgewasintheorderofthings，foralltheworldlikehavingeyebrowsoravermiformappendix。NowwiththelargerscepticismofmiddleageIcanentertainveryfundamentaldoubtsabouttheseolduniversities。IndeedIhadascheme——
IdonotseewhatharmIcandonowbylayingbarethepurposeofthepoliticalcombinationsIwastryingtoeffect。
Myeducationalschemewasindeedthestarting-pointofallthebigprojectofconsciouspublicreconstructionatwhichIaimed。I
wantedtobuildupaneweducationalmachinealtogetherforthegoverningclassoutofaconsolidatedsystemofspecialpublicserviceschools。ImeanttogettoworkuponthiswhateverofficeI
wasgiveninthenewgovernment。IcouldhavebegunmyplanfromtheAdmiraltyortheWarOfficequiteaseasilyasfromtheEducationOffice。Iamfirmlyconvinceditishopelesstothinkofreformingtheoldpublicschoolsanduniversitiestomeettheneedsofamodernstate，theysendtheirrootstoodeepandfar，thecostwouldexceedanygoodthatcouldpossiblybeeffected，andsoIhavesoughtawayroundthisinvincibleobstacle。Idothinkitwouldbequitepracticabletoside-track，astheAmericanssay，thewholesystembycreatinghardworking，hard-living，modernandscientificboys\'schools，firstfortheRoyalNavyandthenforthepublicservicegenerally，andastheygrew，openingthemtothepublicwithoutanyabsoluteobligationtosubsequentservice。
Simultaneouslywiththisitwouldnotbeimpossibletodevelopanewcollegesystemwithstrongfacultiesinmodernphilosophy，modernhistory，Europeanliteratureandcriticism，physicalandbiologicalscience，educationandsociology。
Wecouldinfactcreateanewliberaleducationinthisway，andcuttheumbilicusoftheclassicallanguagesforgoodandall。Ishouldhavesetthisgoing，andtrustedittocorrectorkilltheoldpublicschoolsandtheOxfordandCambridgetraditionaltogether。I
hadmeninmymindtobeginthework，andIshouldhavefoundothers。Ishouldhaveaimedatmakingahard-trained，capable，intellectuallyactive，proudtypeofman。Everythingelsewouldhavebeenmadesubservienttothat。Ishouldhavekeptmygriponthementhroughtheirvacation，andsomehoworotherIwouldhavecontrivedayoungwomantomatchthem。IthinkIcouldhaveseentoiteffectuallyenoughthattheydidn\'tgetatcroquetandtenniswiththevicaragedaughtersanddiscoversexinthePeepingTomfashionIdid，andthattheyrealisedquiteearlyinlifethatitisn\'treallyviriletoreekoftobacco。Ishouldhavehadmilitarymanoeuvres，trainingships，aeroplanework，mountaineeringandsoforth，intheplaceofthesolemntrivialitiesofgames，andI
shouldhavefedandhousedmymencleanandveryhard——wheretherewasn\'tanyauditale，nocredittradesmen，andplentyofhighpressuredouches……
IhaverevisitedCambridgeandOxfordtimeaftertimesinceIcamedown，andsofarastheEmpiregoes，Iwanttogetclearofthosetwoplaces……
AlwaysIrenewmyoldfeelings，aphysicaloppression，asenseoflownessanddampnessalmostexactlylikethefeelingofanundergroundroomwherepapermouldersandleavesthewall，afeelingofineradicablecontagionintheGothicbuildings，inthenarrowditch-likerivers，inthoseroadsandroadsofstuffylittlevillas。
Thoselittlevillashavedestroyedallthegoodoftheoldmonasticsystemandnoneofitsevil……
Someofthemostcharmingpeopleintheworldliveinthem，buttheircollectiveeffectisbelowthequalityofanyindividualamongthem。Cambridgeisaworldofsubduedtones，ofexcessivelysubtlehumours，ofprimconductandfreethinking；itfearstheParent，butithasnofearofGod；itoffersamidstsurroundingsthatvarybetweendisguisesandantiquariancharmtheinflammationofliterature\'spurpledraught；onehearsthereapeculiarthinscandallikenootherscandalintheworld——acovetousscandal——sothatIamalwaysremindedofIbseninCambridge。InCambridgeandtheplaysofIbsenalonedoesitseemappropriatefortheheroinebeforethegreatcrisisoflifeto\"enter，takeoffherovershoes，andputherwetumbrellauponthewritingdesk。\"……
WehavetomakeanewAcademicmindformodernneeds，andthelastthingtomakeitoutof，Iamconvinced，istheoldAcademicmind。
OnemightassoontrytofaketheoldVICTORYatPortsmouthintoalineofbattleshipagain。BesideswhichtheoldAcademicmind，likethoseoldbathless，dampGothiccolleges，ismuchtoodelightfulinitspeculiaranddistinctivewaytodamagebyfutilepatching。
MyheartwarmstoasenseofaffectionateabsurdityasIrecalldearoldCodger，surelythemost\"unleaderly\"ofmen。NomorethanfromtheoldSchoolmen，hiskindred，couldonegetfromhimaSchoolforPrinces。YetapartfromhisteachinghewasascuriousandadorableasagoodNetsuke。UntilquiterecentlyhewasapowerinCambridge，hecouldmakeandbaranddestroy，andinawayhehasbecomethequintessenceofCambridgeinmythoughts。
Iseehimonhiswaytothemorning\'slecture，withhisplumpchildishface，hisroundinnocenteyes，hisabsurdlynon-prehensilefathandcarryinghiscap，hisgreytrousersbracedupmuchtoohigh，hisfeetatrifleinturned，andgoingacrossthegreatcourtwithaqueertrippingpacethatseemedcultivatedeventomynaiveundergraduateeye。OrIseehimlecturing。Helecturedwalkingupanddownbetweenthedesks，talkinginaflutingrapidvoice，andwiththeutmostlucidity。Ifhecouldnotwalkupanddownhecouldnotlecture。Hismindandvoicehadpreciselythefluidqualityofsomeclearsubtleliquid；onefeltitcouldflowroundanythingandovercomenothing。Anditsnimbleeddieswerewonderful！OragainI
recallhimdrinkingportwithlittlemuscularmovementsinhisneckandcheekandchinandhisbrowsknit——veryjudicial，veryconcentrated，preparingtosaytheaptjustthing；itwasthelastthinghewouldhavetoldalieabout。
WhenIthinkofCodgerIamremindedofaninscriptionIsawonsomeoccasioninRegent\'sParkabovetwoeyesscarcelymorelimpidlyinnocentthanhis——\"BornintheMenagerie。\"NeveroncesinceCodgerbegantodisplaytheearlypromiseofscholarshipattheageofeightormore，hadhebeenoutsidethebars。Hisutmosttravelhadbeentolecturehereandlecturethere。Hisstudentphasehadculminatedinpapersofquiteexceptionalbrilliance，andhehadgoneontolecturewithacheerfulcombinationofwitandmannerismthathadmadehimasuccessfromthebeginning。Hehaslecturedeversince。Helecturesstill。Yearbyyearhehasbecomeplumper，morerubicundandmoreandmoreofanitemfortheintelligentvisitortosee。Eveninmytimehewaspointedouttopeopleaspartofourinnumerableenrichments，andobviouslyheknewit。HehasbecomenowalmosttheleadingCharacterinalittledonnishworldofmuchtoointenselyappreciatedCharacters。
Heboastedhetooknoexercise，andalsoofhisknowledgeofportwine。Ofotherwinesheconfessedquitefranklyhehadno\"specialknowledge。\"BeyondthesethingshehadlittleprideexceptthatheclaimedtohavereadeverynovelbyawomanwriterthathadeverenteredtheUnionLibrary。This，however，heheldtoberemarkableratherthanennobling，andsuchboastsashemadeofitweretingedwithplayfulness。Certainlyhehadascholar\'sknowledgeoftheworksofMissMarieCorelli，MissBraddon，MissElizabethGlynandMadameSarahGrandthatwouldhaveastonishedandflatteredthoseladiesenormously，andhelovednothingsomuchinhishoursofrelaxationastopropoundandanswerdifficultquestionsupontheirbooks。TusherofKing\'swashisineffectualrivalinthisfield，theirboutswerememorableandrarelyotherthangloriousforCodger；butthenTusherspreadhimselftoomuch，healsoundertooktorehearsewholepagesoutofBradshaw，andtellyouwithallthechangeshowtogetfromanystationtoanystationinGreatBritainbythenearestandcheapestroutes……
Codgerlodgedwithalittledeafinnocentoldlady，Mrs。AramintaMergle，whowasunderstoodtobeherselfaveryredoubtableCharacterintheGyp-Bedderclass；aboutherherelatedquietlyabsurdanecdotes。HedisplayedamarvellousinventioninascribingtoherplausibleexpressionsofopinionentirelyidenticalinimportwiththoseoftheOxfordandHarvardPragmatists，againstwhomhewagedafierceobscurewar……
ItwasCodger\'sfunctiontoteachmephilosophy，philosophy！theintimatewisdomofthings。HedealtinavarietyofHegelianstufflikenothingelseintheworld，butmarvellouslyconsistentwithitself。Itwasawonderfulwebhespunoutofthatqueerbigactivechildishbrainthathadneverlustednorhatednorgrievednorfearednorpassionatelyloved，——awebofiridescentthreads。HehadluminousfinaltheoriesaboutLoveandDeathandImmortality，oddmatterstheyseemedforhimtothinkabout！andallhiswoventhoughtslayacrossmyperceptionoftherealitiesofthings，asflimsyandirrelevantandcleverandbeautiful，oh！——asadew-wetspider\'swebslunginthemorningsunshineacrosstheblackmouthofagun……
4
AllthroughthoseyearsofdevelopmentIperceivenowtheremusthavebeengrowinginme，slowly，irregularly，assimilatingtoitselfallthephrasesandformsofpatriotism，divertingmyreligiousimpulses，utilisingmyesthetictendencies，mydominatingidea，thestatesman\'sidea，thatideaofsocialservicewhichistheprotagonistofmystory，thatrealthoughcomplexpassionforMaking，makingwidelyandgreatly，cities，nationalorder，civilisation，whoseinterplaywithallthoseotherfactorsinlifeI
havesetouttopresent。Itwasgrowinginme——asone\'sbonesgrow，nomanintendingit。
Ihavetriedtoshowhow，quiteearlyinmylife，thefactofdisorderliness，theconceptionofsociallifeasbeingamultitudinousconfusionoutofhand，cametome。Onealwaysofcoursesimplifiesthesethingsinthetelling，butIdonotthinkI
eversawtheworldatlargeinanyotherterms。Ineveratanystageentertamedtheideawhichsustainedmymother，andwhichsustainssomanypeopleintheworld，——theideathattheuniverse，whateversuperficialdiscordsitmaypresent，isasamatteroffact\"allright，\"isbeingsteeredtodefiniteendsbyasereneandunquestionableGod。MymotherthoughtthatOrderprevailed，andthatdisorderwasjustincidentalandforedoomedrebellion；Ifeelandhavealwaysfeltthatorderrebelsagainstandstrugglesagainstdisorder，thatorderhasanup-hilljob，ingardens，experiments，suburbs，everythingalike；fromtheverybeginningsofmyexperienceIdiscoveredhostilitytoorder，aconstantescapingfromcontrol。
Thecurrentoflivingandcontemporaryideasinwhichmymindwaspresentlyswimmingmadeallinthesamedirection；inplaceofmymother\'sattentive，meticulousbutoccasionallyextremelyirascibleProvidence，thetalkwasalloftheStruggleforExistencandthesurvivalnotoftheBest——thatwasnonsense，butofthefittesttosurvive。
TheattemptstorehabilitateFaithintheformoftheIndividualist\'sLAISSEZFAIREneverwonuponme。IdislikedHerbertSpencerallmylifeuntilIreadhisautobiography，andthenI
laughedalittleandlovedhim。IrememberasearlyastheCityMerchants\'dayshowBrittenandIscoffedatthatpompousquestion-
beggingword\"Evolution，\"having，sotospeak，founditout。
Evolution，someilluminatingtalkerhadremarkedattheBrittenlunchtable，hadlednotonlytoman，buttotheliver-flukeandskunk，obviouslyitmightleadanywhere；ordercameintothingsonlythroughthestrugglingmindofman。Thatlitthingswonderfullyforus。WhenIwentuptoCambridgeIwasperfectlyclearthatlifewasavariousandsplendiddisorderofforcesthatthespiritofmansetsitselftotame。Ihaveneversincefallenawayfromthatpersuasion。
IdonotthinkIwasexceptionallyprecociousinreachingtheseconclusionsandasortofreligiousfinalityformyselfbyeighteenornineteen。Iknowmenandwomenvaryverymuchinthesematters，justaschildrendoinlearningtotalk。Somewillchatterateighteenmonthsandsomewillhardlyspeakuntilthree，andthethinghasverylittletodowiththeirsubsequentmentalquality。
Soitiswithyoungpeople；somewillbegintheirreligious，theirsocial，theirsexualinterestsatfourteen，somenotuntilfaroninthetwenties。BrittenandIbelongedtooneoftheprecocioustypes，andCossingtonveryprobablytoanother。Itwasn\'tthattherewasanythingpriggishaboutanyofus；weshouldhavebeenprigstohaveconcealedourspontaneousinterestsandapethetheoreticalboy。
TheworldofmancentredformyimaginationinLondon，itstillcentresthere；therealandpresentworld，thatistosay，asdistinguishedfromthewonder-landsofatomicandmicroscopicscienceandthestarsandfuturetime。Ihadtravelledscarcelyatall，IhadnevercrossedtheChannel，butIhadreadcopiouslyandI
hadformedaverygoodworkingideaofthisroundglobewithitsmountainsandwildernessesandforestsandallthesortsandconditionsofhumanlifethatwerescatteredoveritssurface。Itwasallalive，Ifelt，andchangingeveryday；howitwaschanging，andthechangesmenmightbringabout，fascinatedmymindbeyondmeasure。
IusedtofindacharminoldmapsthatshowedTheWorldasKnowntotheAncients，andIwishIcouldnowwithoutanysuspicionofself-
deceptionwritedowncompactlytheworldasitwasknowntomeatnineteen。Sofarasextensionwentitwas，Ifancy，veryliketheworldIknownowatforty-two；Ihadpracticallyallthemountainsandseas，boundariesandraces，productsandpossibilitiesthatI
havenow。Butitsintensionwasverydifferent。Alltheintervalhasbeenincreasinganddeepeningmysocialknowledge，replacingcrudeandsecond-handimpressionsbyfeltandrealiseddistinctions。
In1895——thatwasmylastyearwithBritten，forIwentuptoCambridgeinSeptember——myvisionoftheworldhadmuchthesamerelationtothevisionIhaveto-daythatanill-drawndaubofamaskhastothedirectvisionofahumanface。BrittenandIlookedatourworldandsaw——whatdidwesee？Formsandcolourssidebysidethatwehadnosuspicionwereinterdependent。Wehadnoconceptionoftherootsofthingsnorofthereactionofthings。Itdidnotseemtous，forexample，thatbusinesshadanythingtodowithgovernment，orthatmoneyandmeansaffectedtheheroicissuesofwar。Therewerenowagonsinourwargame，andwheretherewereguns，thereitwasassumedtheammunitionwasgatheredtogether。
Financeagainwasasealedbooktous；wedidnotsomuchconnectitwiththebroadaspectsofhumanaffairsasregarditasasortofintrusivenuisancetobeearnestlyignoredbyallright-mindedmen。
Wehadnoconceptionofthequalityofpolitics，norhow\"interests\"
cameintosuchaffairs；webelievedmenwereswayedbypurelyintellectualconvictionsandwereeitherrightorwrong，honestordishonestinwhicheasetheydeservedtobeshot，goodorbad。Weknewnothingofmentalinertia，andcouldimaginetheopinionofawholenationchangedbyonelucidandconvincingexposition。Wewerecapableofthemostincongruoustransfersfromthescrollofhistorytoourowntimes，wecouldsupposeBrixtonravagedandHampsteadburntincivilwarsforthesuccessiontothethrone，orCheapsidealaneofdeathandthefrontoftheMansionHousesetaboutwithguillotinesinthecourseofanaccuratelytransposedFrenchRevolution。WerebuiltLondonbyActofParliament，andonceinamoodofhygienicenterprisewetransferreditspopulationEN
MASSEtotheNorthDownsbyanorderoftheLocalGovernmentBoard。
Wethoughtnothingofthrowingreligiousorganisationsoutofemploymentorsupersedingallthenewspapersbyfreelydistributedbulletins。Wecouldcontemplatethepossibilityoflawsabolishingwholeclasses；wewereequaltosuchadreamasthepeacefulandorderlyproclamationofCommunismfromthestepsofSt。Paul\'sCathedral，afterthepassingofasimplywordedbill，——acloseandnotunnaturallyanexcitingdivisioncarryingthethirdreading。I
rememberquitedistinctlyevolvingthatvision。Wewerethenfullyfifteenandwewereperfectlyseriousaboutit。Wewerenotfools；
itwassimplythatasyetwehadgatherednoexperienceatallofthelimitsandpowersoflegislationandconsciouscollectiveintention……
Ithinkthisstatementdoesmyboyhoodjustice，andyetIhavemydoubts。Itissohardnowtosaywhatoneunderstoodandwhatonedidnotunderstand。Itisn\'tonlythateverydaychangedone\'sgeneraloutlook，butalsothataboyfluctuatesbetweenphasesofquiteadultunderstandingandphasesoftawdrilymagnificentpuerility。SometimesImyselfwasinthosetumbrilsthatwentalongCheapsidetotheMansionHouse，aSydneyCartonesquefigure，awhitedefeatedMirabean；sometimesitwasIwhosatjudgingandcondemningandrulingsleepinginmyclothesandfeedingverysimplythesoulandautocratoftheProvisionalGovernment，whichoccupied，ofallinconvenientplaces！theGeneralPostOfficeatSt。Martin\'s-le-
Grand！……
IcannottracethedevelopmentofmyideasatCambridge，butI
believethemerephysicalfactofgoingtwohours\'journeyawayfromLondongavethatplaceforthefirsttimeaneffectofunityinmyimagination。IgotoutsideLondon。Itbecametangibleinsteadofbeingaframealmostasuniversalasseaandsky。
AtCambridgemyideasceasedtoliveinaduologue；inexchangeforBritten，withwhom，however，Icorrespondedlengthily，stylishlyandself-consciouslyforsomeyears，Ihadnowasetofcongenialfriends。Igottalkwithsomeoftheyoungerdons，IlearnttospeakintheUnion，andinmylittlesetwewereallprettybusilysharpeningeachother\'switsandcorrectingeachother\'sinterpretations。Cambridgemadepoliticspersonalandactual。AtCityMerchants\'wehadhadnosenseofeffectivecontact；weboasted，itistrue，anundersecretaryandacolonialgovernoramongouroldboys，buttheywereneverrealtous；suchdistinguishedsonsasreturnedtovisittheoldschoolwereallusiveandpleasantinthebestPinkyDinkystyle，andpretendedtobeinearnestaboutnothingbutourfootballandcricket，tomourntheabolitionof\"water，\"andfindashudderingpersonalinterestintheancientswishingblock。AtCambridgeIfeltforthefirsttimethatItouchedthethingthatwasgoingon。ReallivingstatesmencamedowntodebateintheUnion，theolderdonshadbeentheircollegeintimates，theirsonsandnephewsexpoundedthemtousandmadethemrealtous。Theyinvitedustoentertainideas；Ifoundmyselfforthefirsttimeinmylifeexpectedtoreadandthinkanddiscuss，mysecretvicehadbecomeavirtue。
Thatcombination-roomworldisatlastlargerandmorepopulousandvariousthantheworldofschoolmasters。TheShoesmithsandNaylorswhohadbeenthearistocracyofCityMerchants\'fellintotheirplaceinmymind；theybecameanundistinguishedmassonthemoreathleticsideofPinkyDinkyism，andtheirhostilitytoideasandtotheexpressionofideasceasedtolimitandtroubleme。Thebrightermenofeachgenerationstayup；theseothersgodowntopropagatetheirtradition，asthefathersoffamilies，asmediocreprofessionalmen，asassistantmastersinschools。Cambridgewhichperfectsthemisbythenatureofthingsleastoppressedbythem，——
exceptwhenitcomestoavoteinConvocation。
WewerestillinthosedaysundertheshadowofthegreatVictorians。IneversawGladstoneasIneverseteyesontheoldQueen，buthehadresignedofficeonlyayearbeforeIwentuptoTrinity，andtheCombinationRoomswerefullofpersonalgossipabouthimandDisraeliandtheotherbigfiguresofthegladiatorialstageofParlimentaryhistory，talkthatleakedcopiouslyintosuchsetsasmine。TheceilingofourguestchamberatTrinitywasgloriouswiththearmsofSirWilliamHarcourt，whoseDeathDutieshadseemedatfirstlikeasocialistdawn。Mr。EveshamweaskedtocometotheUnioneveryyear，Masters，ChamberlainandtheoldDukeofDevonshire；theydidnotcomeindeed，buttheirpoliterefusalsbroughtusall，asitwere，withinpersonaltouchofthem。Oneheardofcabinetcouncilsandmeetingsatcountryhouses。Someofus，pursuingsuchinterests，wentsofarastoreadpoliticalmemoirsandthenovelsofDisraeliandMrs。HumphryWard。Fromgossip，exampleandtheillustratednewspapersonelearntsomethingofthewayinwhichpartiesweresplit，coalitionsformed，howpermanentofficialsworkedandcontrolledtheirministers，howmeasureswerebroughtforwardandprojectsmodified。
AndwhileIwasgettingthegreatleadingfiguresonthepoliticalstage，whohadbeenpresentedtomeinmyschooldaysnotsomuchasmenasthepantomimicmonstersofpoliticalcaricature，whileIwasgettingthemreducedinmyimaginationtothestatureofhumanity，andtheirmotivestothequalityofimpulseslikemyown，IwasalsoacquiringinmyTriposworkaconstantlydevelopingandenrichingconceptionoftheworldofmenasacomplexofeconomic，intellectualandmoralprocesses……
5
SocialismisanintellectualProteus，buttothemenofmygenerationitcameastherevoltoftheworkers。RodbertusweneverheardofandtheFabianSocietywedidnotunderstand；MarxandMorris，theChicagoAnarchists，JUSTICEandSocialDemocraticFederationasitwasthenpresentedsocialismtoourminds。
HatherleighwastheleadingexponentofthenewdoctrinesinTrinity，andthefigureuponhiswallofahuge-muscled，black-
hairedtoilerswaggeringsledgehammerinhandacrossarevolutionarybarricade，seemedthequintessenceofwhathehadtoexpound。
Landlordandcapitalisthadrobbedandenslavedtheworkers，andweredrivingthemquiteautomaticallytoinevitableinsurrection。
Theywouldariseandthecapitalistsystemwouldfleeandvanishlikethemistsbeforethemorning，likethedewsbeforethesunrise，givingplaceinthemostsimpleandobviousmannertoaneraofRightandJusticeandVirtueandWellBeing，andinshortaPerfectlySplendidTime。
IhadalreadydiscussedthissortofsocialismundertheguidanceofBritten，beforeIwentuptoCambridge。Itwasallmixedupwithideasaboutfreedomandnaturalvirtueandagreatscornforkings，titles，wealthandofficials，anditwassymbolisedbytheredtieswewore。Oursimpleverdictonexistingarrangementswasthattheywere\"allwrong。\"Therichwererobbersandknewit，kingsandprinceswereusurpersandknewit，religiousteacherswereimpostorsinleaguewithpower，theeconomicsystemwasanelaborateplotonthepartofthefewtoexpropriatethemany。Wewentaboutfeelingscornfulofallthecurrentformsoflife，formsthatesteemedthemselvessolid，thatwere，weknew，nomorethanshapespaintedonacurtainthatwaspresentlytobetornaside……
ItwasHatherleigh\'sposterandhiscapacityforoverstatingthings，Ithink，thatfirstqualifiedmysimplerevolutionaryenthusiasm。
PerhapsalsoIhadmetwithFabianpublications，butifIdidI
forgetthecircumstances。Andnodoubtmyinnateconstructivenesswithitspracticalcorollaryofananalyticaltreatmentofthematerialsupplied，wasboundtopushmeonbeyondthismelodramaticinterpretationofhumanaffairs。
IcomparedthatWorkingManoftheposterwithanysortofworkingmanIknew。Iperceivedthatthelatterwasnotgoingtochange，andindeedcouldnotunderanystimuluswhateverbeexpectedtochange，intotheformer。Itcreptintomymindasslowlyandsurelyasthedawncreepsintoaroomthattheformerwasnot，asIhadatfirstrathergliblyassumed，an\"ideal，\"butacompletemisrepresentationofthequalityandpossibilitiesofthings。
Idonotknownowwhetheritwasduringmyschool-daysoratCambridgethatIfirstbegannotmerelytoseetheworldasagreatcontrastofrichandpoor，buttofeelthemassiveeffectofthatmultitudinousmajorityofpeoplewhotoilcontinually，whoareforeveranxiousaboutwaysandmeans，whoarerestricted，illclothed，illfedandillhoused，whohavelimitedoutlooksandcontinuallysuffermisadventures，hardshipsanddistressesthroughthewantofmoney。Mylothadfallenuponthefringeofthepossessingminority；ifIdidnotknowthewantofnecessitiesIknewshabbiness，andtheworldthatletmegoontoauniversityeducationintimatedveryplainlythattherewasnotathingbeyondtheprimaryneedsthatmystimulatedimaginationmightdemandthatitwouldnotbeaneffortformetosecure。Acertainaggressiveradicalismagainsttherulingandpropertiedclassesfollowedalmostnaturallyfrommycircumstances。Itdidnotatfirstconnectitselfatallwiththeperceptionofaplanlessdisorderinhumanaffairsthathadbeenforceduponmebytheatmosphereofmyupbringing，nordiditlinkmeinsympathywithanyoftheprofounderrealitiesofpoverty。Itwasapersonalindependentthing。ThedingierpeopleonesawinthebackstreetsandlowerquartersofBromsteadandPenge，thedriftofdirtychildren，raggedoldwomen，streetloafers，grimyworkersthatmadethesocialbackgroundofLondon，thestoriesoneheardofprivationandsweating，onlyjoinedupveryslowlywiththegeneralpropositionsIwasmakingaboutlife。WecouldbecomesplendidlyeloquentaboutthesocialrevolutionandthetriumphoftheProletariataftertheClasswar，anditwasonlybyasortofinspirationthatitcametomethatmybedder，agarrulousoldthingwithadustyblackbonnetoveroneeyeandanostentatiouslycleanapronoutsidethedarkmysteriesthatclothedher，orthecheekylittleruffianswhoyelledpapersaboutthestreets，werereallymaterialtosuchquestions。
DirectlyanyofusyoungsocialistsofTrinityfoundourselvesinimmediatecontactwithservantsorcadgersorgypsorbeddersorplumbersornavviesorcabmenorrailwayporterswebecameunconsciouslyandunthinkinglyaristocrats。Ourvoicesaltered，ourgesturesaltered。Webehavedjustasalltheothermen，richorpoor，swattersorsportsmenorPinkyDinkys，behaved，andexactlyaswewereexpectedtobehave。OnthewholeitisapopulationofpoorqualityroundaboutCambridge，ratherstuntedandspiritlessandverydifficulttoidealise。ThattheoreticalWorkingManofours！——
ifwefelttheclashatallweexplainedit，Isuppose，byassumingthathecamefromanotherpartofthecountry；Esmeer，Iremember，wholivedsomewhereintheFens，wasveryeloquentabouttheCornishfishermen，andHatherleigh，whowasaHampshireman，assuredusweoughttoknowtheScottishminer。MyprivatefancywasfortheLancashireoperativebecauseofhisco-operativesocieties，andbecausewhatLancashirethinksto-dayEnglandthinksto-morrow……
AndalsoIhadneverbeeninLancashire。
Bylittleincrementsofrealisationitwasthattheprofounderveritiesoftheproblemofsocialismcametome。IthelpedmeverymuchthatIhadtogodowntothePotteriesseveraltimestodiscussmyfuturewithmyuncleandguardian；IwalkedaboutandsawBursleyWakesandmuchofthehumanaspectsoforganisedindustrialismatclosequartersforthefirsttime。ThepictureofasplendidWorkingMancheatedoutofhisinnategloriouspossibilities，andpresentlytoariseanddashthisscoundrellyandscandaloussystemofprivateownershiptofragments，begantogiveplacetoalimitlessspectacleofinefficiency，toaconceptionofmillionsofpeoplenotorganisedastheyshouldbe，noteducatedastheyshouldbe，notsimplypreventedfrombutincapableofnearlyeverysortofbeauty，mostlykindlyandwellmeaning，mostlyincompetent，mostlyobstinate，andeasilyhumbuggedandeasilydiverted。EventhetragicandinspiringideaofMarx，thatthepoorwerenearingalimitofpainfulexperience，andawakeningtoasenseofintolerablewrongs，begantodevelopintothemoreappallingconceptionthatthepoorweresimplyinawitlessuncomfortableinconclusiveway——
\"muddlingalong\"；thattheywantednothingverydefinitelynorveryurgently，thatmeanfearsenslavedthemandmeansatisfactionsdecoyedthem，thattheytooktheverygiftoflifeitselfwithaspiritlesslassitude，hoardingit，beingratheranxiousnottoloseitthantouseitinanywaywhatever。
Thecompletedevelopmentofthatrealisationwastheworkofmanyyears。IhadonlythefirstintimationsatCambridge。ButIdidhaveintimations。MostacutelydoIrememberthedoubtsthatfollowedthevisitofChrisRobinson。ChrisRobinsonwasheraldedbysuchheroicanticipations，andhewassoentirelywhatwehadnotanticipated。
Hatherleighgothimtocome，arrangedasortofmeetingforhimatRedmayne\'sroomsinKing\'s，andwasveryproudandproprietorial。
ItfailedtostirCambridgeatallprofoundly。BeyondafutileattempttoscrewupHatherleighmadebysomeinexpertdufferswhousednailsinsteadofscrewsandgimlets，therewasnoattempttorag。NextdayChrisRobinsonwentandspokeatBennettHallinNewnhamCollege，andleftCambridgeintheeveningamidstthecheersoftwentymenorso。Socialismwasatsuchalowebbpoliticallyinthosedaysthatitdidn\'tevenrousementoopposition。
AndtheresatChrisunderthatflamboyantandheroicWorkeroftheposter，alittlewrinkledgrey-beardedapologeticmaninready-madeclothes，withwatchfulinnocentbrowneyesandapersistentandinvincibleairofbeingoutofhiselement。Hesatwithhisstoutbootstuckedupunderhischair，andclungtoateacupandsaucerandlookedawayfromusintothefire，andweallsataboutontablesandchair-armsandwindowsillsandboxesandanywhereexceptuponchairsafterthemannerofyoungmen。Theonlyotherchairwhoseseatwasoccupiedwastheonecontaininghisknittedwoollencomforterandhispicturesqueoldbeach-photographer\'shat。Wewereallshyanddidn\'tknowhowtotakeholdofhimnowwehadgothim，and，whichwasdisconcertinglyunanticipated，hewasmanifestlyhavingthesamedifficultywithus。Wehadexpectedtobegripped。
\"I\'llnotbeknowingwhattosaytotheseChaps，\"herepeatedwithanorth-countryqualityinhisspeech。
Wemadereassuringnoises。
TheAmbassadoroftheWorkersstirredhisteaearnestlythroughanuncomfortablepause。
\"I\'dbesttell\'emsomethingofhowthingsareinLancashire，whatwiththenewmachinesandallthat，\"hespeculatedatlastwithredreflectionsinhisthoughtfuleyes。
Wehadaninexcusabledreadthatperhapshewouldmakeamessofthemeeting。
Butwhenhewasnolongerintheunaccustomedmeshesofrefinedconversation，butspeakingwithanaudiencebeforehim，hebecameadifferentman。Hedeclaredhewouldexplaintousjustexactlywhatsocialismwas，andwentonatoncetoanimpassionedcontrastofsocialconditions。\"Youyoungmen，\"hesaid\"comefromhomesofluxury；everyneedyoufeelissupplied——\"
Wesatandstoodandsprawledabouthim，occupyingeveryinchofRedmayne\'sfloorspaceexceptthehearthrug-platform，andwelistenedtohimandthoughthimover。Hewasthevoiceofwrongsthatmadeusindignantandeager。Weforgotforatimethathehadbeenshyandseemednotalittleincompetent，hisprovincialaccentbecameabeautyofhisearnestspeech，wewerecarriedawaybyhisindignations。Welookedwithshiningeyesatoneanotherandatthevariousdonswhohaddroppedinandwerestrivingtomaintainafrontofjudiciousseverity。Wefeltmoreandmorethatsocialinjusticemustcease，andceaseforthwith。Wefeltwecouldnotsleepuponit。Attheendweclappedandmurmuredourapplauseandwantedbadlytocheer。
Thenlikealancetstuckintoabladdercametheheckling。Denson，thatindolent，liberal-mindedsceptic，didmostofthequestioning。
Helaycontortedinachair，withhisuglyheadverylow，hislegscrossedandhisleftbootveryhigh，andhepointedhisremarkswithalongthinhandandoccasionallyadjustedtheunstableglassesthathidhiswateryeyes。\"Idon\'twanttocarp，\"hebegan。\"Thepresentsystem，Iadmit，standscondemned。EverypresentsystemalwaysHASstoodcondemnedinthemindsofintelligentmen。Butwhereitseemstomeyougetthin，isjustwhereeverybodyhasbeenthin，andthat\'swhenyoucometotheremedy。\"
\"Socialism，\"saidChrisRobinson，asifitansweredeverything，andHatherleighsaid\"Hear！Hear！\"veryresolutely。
\"IsupposeIOUGHTtotakethatasananswer，\"saidDenson，gettinghisshoulder-bladeswelldowntotheseatofhischair；\"butI
don\'t。Idon\'t，youknow。It\'sratherashametocross-examineyouafterthisfineaddressofyours\"——ChrisRobinsononthehearthrugmadeacquiescentandinvitingnoises——\"buttherealquestionremainshowexactlyareyougoingtoendallthesewrongs？Therearetheadmimstrativequestions。Ifyouabolishtheprivateowner，Iadmityouabolishaverycomplexandclumsywayofgettingbusinessesrun，landcontrolledandthingsingeneraladministered，butyoudon\'tgetridoftheneedofadministration，youknow。\"
\"Democracy，\"saidChrisRobinson。
\"Organisedsomehow，\"saidDenson。\"Andit\'sjusttheHowperplexesme。Icanquiteeasilyimagineasocialiststateadministeredinasortofscramblingtumultthatwouldbeworsethananythingwehavegotnow。
\"Nothingcouldbeworsethanthingsarenow，\"saidChrisRobinson。
\"Ihaveseenlittlechildren——\"
\"Isubmitlifeonanill-provisionedraft，forexample，couldeasilybeworse——orlifeinabeleaguredtown。\"
Murmurs。
Theywrangledforsometime，andithadtheeffectuponmeofcomingoutfromtheglowofagoodmatineeperformanceintothecolddaylightoflateafternoon。ChrisRobinsondidnotshineinconflictwithDenson；hewasanoratorandnotadialectician，andhemissedDenson\'spointsanddisplayedadispositiontoplungeintountimelypathosandindignation。AndDensonhitmecuriouslyhardwithoneofhisshafts。\"Suppose，\"hesaid，\"youfoundyourselfprimeminister——\"
IlookedatChrisRobinson，bright-eyedandhishairalittleruffledandhiswholebeingrhetorical，andmeasuredhimagainstthehugemachineofgovernmentmuddledandmysterious。Oh！butIwasperplexed！
AndthenwetookhimbacktoHatherleigh\'sroomsanddrankbeerandsmokedabouthimwhilehenursedhiskneewithhairywristedhandsthatprotrudedfromhisflannelshirt，anddranklemonadeunderthecartoonofthatemancipatedWorker，andwehadagreatdiscursivetalkwithhim。
\"Eh！youshouldseeourbigmeetingsupnorth？\"hesaid。
Densonhadruffledhimandworriedhimagooddeal，andeverandagainhecamebacktothatdiscussion。\"It\'sallveryeasyforyourlearnedmentositandpickholes，\"hesaid，\"whilethechildrensufferanddie。Theydon\'tpickholesupnorth。Theymeanbusiness。\"
Hetalked，andthatwasthemostinterestingpartofitall，ofhisgoingtoworkinafactorywhenhewastwelve——\"whenyouChapswereallwithyourmammies\"——andhowhehadeducatedhimselfofnightsuntilhewouldfallasleepathisreading。
\"It\'smademanyofuskeenforallourlives，\"heremarked，\"allthatclemmingforeducation。Why！IlongedallthroughonewintertoreadabitofDarwin。ImustknowaboutthisDarwinifIdieforit，Isaid。AndIcouldno\'getthebook。\"
Hatherleighmadeanenthusiasticnoiseanddrankbeerathimwithroundeyesoverthemug。
\"Well，anyhowIwastednotimeonGreekandLatin，\"saidChrisRobinson。\"Andonelearnstogostraightatathingwithoutsplittingstraws。OnegetsholdoftheElementals。\"
Well，didthey？Thatwasthegistofmyperplexity。
\"Onedoesn\'tquibble，\"hesaid，returningtohisranklingmemoryofDenson，\"whilemendecayandstarve。\"
\"Butsuppose，\"Isaid，suddenlydroppingintoopposition，\"thealternatveistoriskaworsedisaster——ordosomethingpatentlyfutile。\"
\"Idon\'tfollowthat，\"saidChrisRobinson。\"Wedon\'tproposeanythingfutile，sofarasIcansee。\"
6
TheprevailingforceinmyundergraduatedayswasnotSocialismbutKiplingism。Oursetwasquiteexceptionalinitssocialisticprofessions。Andwewereall，youmustunderstand，verydistinctlyImperialistsalso，andprofessedavividsenseofthe\"WhiteMan\'sBurden。\"
Itisalittledifficultnowtogetbacktothefeelingsofthatperiod；Kiplinghassincebeensomercilesslyandexhaustivelymocked，criticisedandtorntoshreds；——neverwasamansoviolentlyexaltedandthen，himselfassisting，sorelentlesslycalleddown。
Butinthemiddleninetiesthisspectacledandmoustachedlittlefigurewithitsheavychinanditsgeneraleffectofvehementgesticulation，itswildshoutsofboyishenthusiasmforeffectiveforce，itslyricdelightinthesoundsandcolours，intheveryodoursofempire，itswonderfuldiscoveryofmachineryandcottonwasteandtheunderofficerandtheengineer，and\"shop\"asapoeticdialect，becamealmostanationalsymbol。Hegotholdofuswonderfully，hefilleduswithtinklingandhauntingquotations，hestirredBrittenandmyselftofutileimitations，hecolouredtheveryidiomofourconversation。Herosetohisclimaxwithhis\"Recessional，\"whileIwasstillanundergraduate。
Whatdidhegivemeexactly？