Abagofflour，abarrelofpotatoes，somestringsofonions，abasketofapples，abigcakeandmanylittlecakes，ajugoflemonade，apursestuffedwithbillsofthemoremodestdenominations，may，perhaps，dowellenoughforthepropertiesinoneoftheseprivatetheatricalexhibitions。Theministeroftheparish，atender-hearted，quiet，hard-workingman，livingonasmallsalary，withmanychildren，sometimespinchedtofeedandclothethem，prayingferventlyeverydaytobeblestinhis\"basketandstore，\"
butsometimesfearingheasksamiss，tojudgebythesmallreturns，hasthefirstrole，——not，however，byhisownchoice，butforceduponhim。Theminister’swife，asharp-eyed，unsentimentalbody，isfirstlady；theremainingpartsbytherestofthefamily。Iftheyonlyhadaplaybill，itwouldrunthus:
ONTUESDAYNEXT
WILLBEPRESENTED
THEAFFECTINGSCENE
CALLED
THESURPRISE-PARTY
OR
THEOVERCOMEFAMILY；
WITHTHEFOLLOWINGSTRONGCASTOFCHARACTERS。
TheRev。Mr。Overcome，bytheClergymanofthisParish。
Mrs。Overcome，byhisestimablelady。
MastersMatthew，Mark，Luke，andJohnOvercome，MissesDorcas，Tabitha，Rachel，andHannah，Overcome，bytheirinterestingchildren。
Peggy，bythefemalehelp。
Thepoormanisreallygrateful；——itisamostwelcomeandunexpectedrelief。Hetriestoexpresshisthanks，——hisvoicefalters，——hechokes，——andburstsintotears。Thatisthegreateffectoftheevening。Thesharp-sightedladycriesalittlewithoneeye，andcountsthestringsofonions，andtherestofthethings，withtheother。Thechildrenstandreadyforaspringattheapples。Thefemalehelpweepsafterthenoisyfashionofuntutoredhandmaids。
Nowthisisallverywellascharity，butdoletthekindvisitorsremembertheygettheirmoney’sworth。Ifyoupayaquarterfordrycrying，donebyasecond-rateactor，howmuchoughtyoutopayforrealhot，wettears，outofthehonesteyesofagentlemanwhoisnotacting，butsobbinginearnest？
AllImeanttosay，whenIbegan，was，thatthiswasnotasurprise-
partywhereIreadthesefewlinesthatfollow:
Wewillnotspeakofyearsto-night；
Forwhathaveyearstobring，ButlargerfloodsofloveandlightAndsweetersongstosing？
WewillnotdrowninwordypraiseThekindlythoughtsthatrise；
Iffriendshipownsonetenderphrase，Hereadsitinoureyes。
WeneednotwasteourschoolboyartTogildthisnotchoftime；
Forgiveme，ifmywaywardheartHasthrobbedinartlessrhyme。
EnoughforhimthesilentgraspThatknitsushandinhand，Andhethebracelet’sradiantclaspThatlocksourcirclingband。
Strengthtohishoursofmanlytoil！
Peacetohisstarlitdreams！
Wholovesalikethefurrowedsoil，Themusic-hauntedstreams！
SweetsmilestokeepforeverbrightThesunshineonhislips，Andfaith，thatseestheringoflightRoundNature’slasteclipse！——
OneofourboardershasbeentalkinginsuchstronglanguagethatI
amalmostafraidtoreportit。However，asheseemstobereallyhonestandissoverysincereinhislocalprejudices，Idon’tbelieveanybodywillbeveryangrywithhim。
Itishere，Sir！righthere！——saidthelittledeformedgentleman，——
inthisoldnewcityofBoston，——thisremoteprovincialcornerofaprovincialnation，thattheBattleoftheStandardisfighting，andwasfightingbeforewewereborn，andwillbefightingwhenwearedeadandgone，——pleaseGod！Thebattlegoesoneverywherethroughoutcivilization；buthere，here，hereisthebroadwhiteflagflyingwhichproclaims，firstofall，peaceandgood-willtomen，and，nexttothat，theabsolute，unconditionalspirituallibertyofeachindividualimmortalsoul！Thethree-hilledcityagainsttheseven-
hilledcity！Thatisit，Sir，——nothinglessthanthat；andifyouknowwhatthatmeans，Idon’tthinkyou’llaskforanythingmore。I
sweartoyou，Sir，Ibelievethatthesetwocentresofcivilizationarejustexactlythetwopointsthatclosethecircuitinthebatteryofourplanetaryintelligence！AndIbelievetherearespiritualeyeslookingoutfromUranusandunseenNeptune，——ay，Sir，fromthesystemsofSiriusandArcturusandAldebaran，andasfarasthatfaintstainofsprinkledworldsconfluentinthedistancethatwecallthenebulaofOrion，——lookingon，Sir，withwhatorgansIknownot，toseewhicharegoingtomeltinthatfieryfusion，theaccidentsandhindrancesofhumanityormanhimself，Sir，——thestupendousabortion，theillustriousfailurethatheis，ifthethree-hilledcitydoesnotridedownandtrampleouttheseven-hilledcity！——
Steam’sup！——saidtheyoungmanJohn，socalled，inalowtone——
Threehundredandsixty-fivetonstothesquareinch。Lethimblowheroff，orhe’llbu’sthisb’iler。
Thedivinity-studenttookitcalmly，onlywhisperingthathethoughttherewasalittleconfusionofimagesbetweenagalvanicbatteryandachargeofcavalry。
ButtheKoh-i-noor——thegentleman，youremember，withaverylargediamondinhisshirt-frontlaughedhisscornfullaugh，andmadeasiftospeak。
Sailin，Metropolis！——saidthatsameyoungmanJohn，byname。Andthen，inalowerlane，notmeaningtobeheard，——Now，then，Ma’amAllen！
Buthewasheard，——andtheKoh-i-noor’sfaceturnedsowhitewithrage，thathisblue-blackmoustacheandbeardlookedfearful，seenagainstit。Hegrinnedwithwrath，andcaughtatatumbler，asifhewouldhavethrownitoritscontentsatthespeaker。TheyoungMarylanderfixedhisclear，steadyeyeuponhim，andlaidhishandonhisarm，carelesslyalmost，buttheJewelfounditwasheldsothathecouldnotmoveit。Itwasofnouse。Theyouthwashismasterinmuscle，andinthatdeadlyIndianhuginwhichmenwrestlewiththeireyes；——overinfiveseconds，butbreaksoneoftheirtwobacks，andisgoodforthreescoreyearsandten；——onetrialenough，——settlesthewholematter，——justaswhentwofeatheredsongstersofthebarnyard，gameanddunghill，cometogether，-afterajumportwoateachother，andafewsharpkicks，thereistheendofit；anditis，Apresvous，Monsieur，withthebeatenpartyinallthesocialrelationsforalltherestofhisdays。
IcannotphilosophicallyaccountfortheKoh-i-noor’swrath。Forthoughacosmeticissold，bearingthenameoftheladytowhomreferencewasmadebytheyoungpersonJohn，yet，asitispubliclyassertedinrespectableprintsthatthiscosmeticisnotadye，Iseenoreasonwhyheshouldhavefeltoffendedbyanysuggestionthathewasindebtedtoitoritsauthoress。
Ihavenodoubtthattherearecertainexceptionalcomplexionstowhichthepurpletinge，abovealludedto，isnatural。Natureisfertileinvariety。IsawanalbinessinLondononce，forsixpence，includingtheinspectionofastuffedboa-constrictor，wholookedasifshehadbeenboiledinmilk。AyoungHottentotofmyacquaintancehadhishairallinlittlepelletsofthesizeofmarrow-fatpeas。Oneofmyownclassmateshasundergoneasingularchangeoflateyears，——hishairlosingitsoriginaltint，andgettingaremarkablediscoloredlook；andanotherhasceasedtocultivateanyhairatalloverthevertexorcrownofthehead。SoIamperfectlywillingtobelievethatthepurple-blackoftheKoh-i-noor’smoustacheandwhiskersisconstitutionalandnotpigmentary。ButI
can’tthinkwhyhegotsoangry。
Theintelligentreaderwillunderstandthatallthispantomimeofthethreatenedonslaughtanditssuppressionpassedsoquicklythatitwasalloverbythetimetheotherendofthetablefoundouttherewasadisturbance；justasamanchoppingwoodhalfamileoffmaybeseenrestingonhisaxeattheinstantyouhearthelastblowhestruck。SoyouwillpleasetoobservethattheLittleGentlemanwasnot，interruptedduringthetimeimpliedbytheseex-post-factoremarksofmine，butforsometenorfifteensecondsonly。
Hedidnotseemtomindtheinterruptionatall，forhestartedagain。The\"Sir\"ofhisharanguewasnodoubtaddressedtomyselfmorethananybodyelse，butheoftenusesitindiscourseasifheweretalkingwithsomeimaginaryopponent——
America，Sir，——heexclaimed，——istheonlyplacewheremanisfull-
grown！
Hestraightenedhimselfup，ashespoke，standingonthetoproundofhishighchair，Isuppose，andsopresentedthelargerpartofhislittlefiguretotheviewoftheboarders。
Itwasnexttoimpossibletokeepfromlaughing。Thecommentarywassostrangeanillustrationofthetext！Ithoughtitwastimetoputinaword；forIhavelivedinforeignparts，andammoreorlesscosmopolitan。
IdoubtifwehavemorepracticalfreedominAmericathantheyhaveinEngland，——Isaid——AnEnglishmanthinksashelikesinreligionandpolitics。Mr。MartineauspeculatesasfreelyaseverDr。
Channingdid，andMr。BrightisasindependentasMr。Seward。
Sir，——saidhe，——itisn’twhatamanthinksorsays；butwhenandwhereandtowhomhethinksandsaysit。Amanwithaflintandsteelstrikingsparksoverawetblanketisonething，andstrikingthemoveratinder-boxisanother。ThefreeEnglishmanisbornunderprotest；helivesanddiesunderprotest，——atolerated，butnotawelcomefact。IsnotfreethinkeratermofreproachinEngland？ThesameideainthesoulofanEnglishmanwhostruggleduptoitandstillholdsitantagonistically，andinthesoulofanAmericantowhomitiscongenitalandspontaneous，andoftenunrecognized，exceptasanelementblendedwithallhisthoughts，anaturalmovement，likethedrawingofhisbreathorthebeatingofhisheart，isaverydifferentthing。Youmayteachaquadrupedtowalkonhishindlegs，butheisalwayswantingtobeonallfours。Nothingthatcanbetaughtagrowingyouthisliketheatmosphericknowledgehebreathesfromhisinfancyupwards。TheAmericanbabysucksinfreedomwiththemilkofthebreastatwhichhehangs——
That’sagoodjoke，——saidtheyoungfellowJohn，——considerin’itcommonlybelongstoafemalePaddy。
Ithought——Iwillnotbecertain——thattheLittleGentlemanwinked，asifhehadbeenhitsomewhere——asIhavenodoubtDr。Darwindidwhenthewooden-spoonsuggestionupsethistheoryaboutwhy，etc。Ifhewinked，however，hedidnotdodge。
Alivelycomment！——hesaid——ButRome，inhergreatfounder，suckedthebloodofempireoutofthedugsofabrute，Sir！TheMilesianwet-nurseisonlyaconvenientvesselthroughwhichtheAmericaninfantgetsthelife-bloodofthisvirginsoil，Sir，thatismakingmanoveragain，onthesunsetpattern！Youdon’tthinkwhatwearedoingandgoingtodohere。Why，Sir，whilecommentatorsarebotheringthemselveswithinterpretationofprophecies，wehavegotthenewheavensandthenewearthoverusandunderus！WasthereeveranythinginItaly，Ishouldliketoknow，likeaBostonsunset？——
Thistimetherewasalaugh，andthelittlemanhimselfalmostsmiled。
Yes，——Bostonsunsets；——perhapsthey’reasgoodinsomeotherplaces，butIknow’embesthere。Anyhow，theAmericanskiesaredifferentfromanythingtheyseeintheOldWorld。Yes，andtherocksaredifferent，andthesoilisdifferent，andeverythingthatcomesoutofthesoil，fromgrassuptoIndians，isdifferent。Andnowthattheprovisionalracesaredyingout——
Whatdoyoumeanbytheprovisionalraces，Sir？——saidthedivinity-
student，interruptinghim。
Why，theaboriginalbipeds，tobesure，——heanswered，——thered-crayonsketchofhumanitylaidonthecanvasbeforethecolorsfortherealmanhoodwereready。
Ihopetheywillcometosomethingyet，——saidthedivinity-student。
Irreclaimable，Sir，——irreclaimable！——saidtheLittleGentleman——
Cheapertobreedwhitementhandomesticateanationofredones。
Whenyoucangetthebitteroutofthepartridge’sthigh，youcanmakeanenlightenedcommonwealthofIndians。Aprovisionalrace，Sir，——nothingmore。Exhaledcarbonicacidfortheuseofvegetation，keptdownthebearsandcatamounts，enjoyedthemselvesinscalpingandbeingscalped，andthenpassedawayorarepassingaway，accordingtotheprogramme。
Well，Sir，theseracesdyingout，thewhitemanhastoacclimatehimself。Ittakeshimagoodwhile；buthewillcomeallrightby-
and-by，Sir，——assoundasawoodchuck，——assoundasamusquash！
Anewnursery，Sir，withLakeSuperiorandHuronandalltherestof’emforwash-basins！Anewrace，andawholenewworldforthenew-
bornhumansoultoworkin！AndBostonisthebrainofit，andhasbeenanytimethesehundredyears！That’sallIclaimforBoston，——
thatitisthethinkingcentreofthecontinent，andthereforeoftheplanet——
Andthegrandemporiumofmodesty，——saidthedivinity-student，alittlemischievously。
Oh，don’ttalktomeofmodesty！——answeredtheLittleGentleman，——I
’mpastthat！Thereisn’tathingthatwaseversaidordoneinBoston，frompitchingtheteaoverboardtothelastecclesiasticallieittoreintotattersandflungintothedock，thatwasn’tthoughtveryindelicatebysomefoolortyrantorbigot，andalltheentrailsofcommercialandspiritualconservatismaretwistedintocolicsasoftenasthisrevolutionarybrainofourshasafitofthinkingcomeoverit——No，Sir，——showmeanyotherplacethatis，orwassincethemegalosaurushasdiedout，wherewealthandsocialinfluencearesofairlydividedbetweenthestationaryandtheprogressiveclasses！Showmeanyotherplacewhereeveryotherdrawing-roomisnotachamberoftheInquisition，withpapasandmammasforinquisitors，——andthecoldshoulder，insteadofthe\"drypanandthegradualfire，\"thepunishmentof\"heresy\"！——
WethinkBaltimoreisaprettycivilizedkindofavillage，——saidtheyoungMarylander，good-naturedly——ButIsupposeyoucan’tforgiveitforalwayskeepingalittleaheadofBostoninpointofnumbers，——tellthetruthnow。Arewenotthecentreofsomething？
Ah，indeed，tobesureyouare。YouarethegastronomicmetropolisoftheUnion。Whydon’tyouputacanvas-back-duckonthetopoftheWashingtoncolumn？Whydon’tyougetthatladyofffromBattleMonumentandplantaterrapininherplace？Whywillyouaskforotherglorieswhenyouhavesoftcrabs？No，Sir，——youlivetoowelltothinkashardaswedoinBoston。Logiccomestouswiththesalt-fishofCapeAnn；rhetoricisbornofthebeansofBeverly；butyou——ifyouopenyourmouthstospeak，Naturestopsthemwithafatoyster，oroffersasliceofthebreastofyourdivinebird，andsilencesallyouraspirations。
AndwhatofPhiladelphia？——saidtheMarylander。
Oh，Philadelphia？——Waterworks，——killedbytheCrotonandCochituate；——
BenFranklin，——borrowedfromBoston；——DavidRittenhouse，——madeanorrery；——BenjaminRush，——madeamedicalsystem；——bothinterestingtoantiquarians；——greatRed-riverraftofmedicalstudents，——spontaneousgenerationofprofessorstomatch；——morewidelyknownthroughtheMoyamensinghose-company，andtheWistarparties；-forgeologicalsectionofsocialstrata，gotoTheClub——Goodplacetolivein，——first-ratemarket，——tip-toppeaches——WhatdoweknowaboutPhiladelphia，exceptthattheengine-companiesarealwaysshootingeachother？
AndwhatdoyousaytoNewYork？——askedtheKoh-i-noor。
Agreatcity，Sir，——repliedtheLittleGentleman，——averyopulent，splendidcity。Apointoftransitofmuchthatisremarkable，andofpermanenceformuchthatisrespectable。Agreatmoney-centre。SanFranciscowiththeminesabove-ground，——andsomeof’emunderthesidewalks。Ihaveseennexttonothinggrandiose，outofNewYork，inallourcities。Itmakes’emalllookpaltryandpetty。Hasmanyelementsofcivilization。MaystopwhereVenicedid，though，foraughtweknow——Theorderofitsdevelopmentisjustthis:——Wealth；
architecture；upholstery；painting；sculpture。Printing，asamechanicalart，——justasNicholasJepsonandtheAldi，whowerescholarstoo，madeVenicerenownedforit。Journalism，whichistheaccidentofbusinessandcrowdedpopulations，ingreatperfection。
VenicegotasfarasTitianandPaulVeroneseandTintoretto，——greatcolorists，markyou，magnificentontheflesh-and-bloodsideofArt，——
butlookovertoFlorenceandseewholieinSantaCrocea，andaskoutofwhoseloinsDantesprung！
Oh，yes，tobesure，VenicebuiltherDucalPalace，andherChurchofSt。Mark，andherCasad’Or，andtherestofhergoldenhouses；andVenicehadgreatpicturesandgoodmusic；andVenicehadaGoldenBook，inwhichallthelargetax-payershadtheirnameswritten；——butallthatdidnotmakeVenicethebrainofItaly。
Itellyouwhat，Sir，——withallthesemagnificentappliancesofcivilization，itistimewebegantohearsomethingfromthedjinnisdoneewhosenamesareontheGoldenBookofoursumptuous，splendid，marble-placedVenice，——somethinginthehigherwalksofliterature，——
somethinginthecouncilsofthenation。PlentyofArt，Igrantyou，Sir；now，then，forvastlibraries，andformightyscholarsandthinkersandstatesmen，——fiveforeveryBostonone，asthepopulationistoours，——tentoonemoreproperly，invirtueofcentralizingattractionastheallegedmetropolis，andnotcallourpeopleprovincials，andhavetocomebeggingtoustowritethelivesofHendrikHudsonandGouverneurMorris！——
TheLittleGentlemanwasonhishobby，exaltinghisowncityattheexpenseofeveryotherplace。Ihavemydoubtsifhehadbeenineitherofthecitieshehadbeentalkingabout。Iwasjustgoingtosaysomethingtosoberhimdown，ifIcould，whentheyoungMarylanderspokeup。
Come，now，——hesaid，——what’stheuseofthesecomparisons？Didn’tI
hearthisgentlemansaying，theotherday，thateveryAmericanownsallAmerica？IfyouhavereallygotmorebrainsinBostonthanotherfolks，asyouseemtothink，whohatesyouforit，exceptapackofscribblingfools？IfIlikeBroadwaybetterthanWashingtonStreet，whatthen？Iownthemboth，asmuchasanybodyownseither。IamanAmerican，——andwhereverIlookupandseethestarsandstripesoverhead，thatishometome！
Hespoke，andlookedupasifheheardtheemblazonedfoldscracklingoverhiminthebreeze。Wealllookedupinvoluntarily，asifweshouldseethenationalflagbysodoing。Thesightofthedingyceilingandthegas-fixturedependingtherefromdispelledtheillusion。
Bravo！bravo！——saidthevenerablegentlemanontheothersideofthetable——ThosearethesentimentsofWashington’sFarewellAddress。
NothingbetterthanthatsincethelastchapterinRevelations。
Five-and-fortyyearsagothereusedtobeWashingtonsocieties，andlittleboysusedtowalkinprocessions，eachlittleboyhavingacopyoftheAddress，boundinred，hungroundhisneckbyaribbon。
Whydon’ttheynow？Whydon’ttheynow？IsawenoughofhatingeachotherintheoldFederaltimes；nowlet’sloveeachother，Isay，——
let’sloveeachother，andnottrytomakeitoutthatthereisn’tanyplacefittoliveinexcepttheonewehappentobebornin。
Itdwarfsthemind，Ithink，——saidI，——tofeeditonanylocalism。
Thefullstatureofmanhoodisshrivelled——
Thecolorburstupintomycheeks。WhatwasIsaying，——I，whowouldnotfortheworldhavepainedourunfortunatelittleboarderbyanallusion？
Iwillgo，——hesaid，——andmadeamovementwithhisleftarmtolethimselfdownfromhishighchair。
No，——no，——hedoesn’tmeanit，——youmustnotgo，——saidakindvoicenexthim；andasoft，whitehandwaslaiduponhisarm。
Iris，mydear！——exclaimedanothervoice，asofafemale，inaccentsthatmightbeconsideredastrongatmosphericsolutionofdutywithverylittleflavorofgrace。
Shedidnotmoveforthisaddress，andtherewasatableauthatlastedsomeseconds。Fortheyounggirl，inthegloryofhalf-blownwomanhood，andthedwarf，thecripple，themisshapenlittlecreaturecoveredwithNature’sinsults，lookedstraightintoeachother’seyes。
Perhapsnohandsomeyoungwomanhadeverlookedathimsoinhislife。Certainlytheyounggirlneverhadlookedintoeyesthatreachedintohersoulasthesedid。Itwasnotthattheywereinthemselvessupernaturallybright，——buttherewasthesadfireinthemthatflamesupfromthesoulofonewholooksonthebeautyofwomanwithouthope，but，alas！notwithoutemotion。Tohimitseemedasifthoseambergateshadbeentranslucentasthebrownwaterofamountainbrook，andthroughthemhehadseendimlyintoavirginwilderness，onlywaitingforthesunriseofagreatpassionforallitsbudstoblowandallitsbowerstoringwithmelody。
Thatismyimage，ofcourse，——nothis。Itwasnotasimilethatwasinhismind，orisinanybody’satsuchamoment，——itwasapangofwordlesspassion，andthenasilent，inwardmoan。
Alady’swish，——hesaid，withacertaingallantryofmanner，——makesslavesofusall——AndNature，whoiskindtoallherchildren，andneverleavesthesmallestandsaddestofallherhumanfailureswithoutonelittlecomfitofself-loveatthebottomofhispoorraggedpocket，——Naturesuggestedtohimthathehadturnedhissentencewell；andhefellintoareverie，inwhichtheoldthoughtsthatwerealwayshoveringdustoutsidethedoorsguardedbyCommonSense，andwatchingforachancetosqueezein，knowingperfectlywelltheywouldbeignominiouslykickedoutagainassoonasCommonSensesawthem，flockedinpell-mell，——misty，fragmentary，vague，half-ashamedofthemselves，butstillshoulderingupagainsthisinnerconsciousnesstillitwarmedwiththeircontact:——JohnWilkes’s——theugliestman’sinEngland——saying，thatwithhalf-an-
hour’sstarthewouldcutoutthehandsomestmaninallthelandinanywoman’sgoodgraces；Cadenus——oldandsavage——leadingcaptiveStellaandVanessa；andthenthestraylineofaballad，\"Andawinningtonguehadhe，\"——asmuchastosay，itisn’tlooks，afterall，butcunningwords，thatwinourEvesover，——justasofoldwhenitwastheworst-lookingbruteofthelotthatgotourgrandmothertolistentohisstuffandsodidthemischief。
Ah，dearme！WerehearsethepartofHerculeswithhisclub，subjugatingmanandwomaninourfancy，thefirstbytheweightofit，andthesecondbyourhandlingofit，——werehearseit，Isay，byourownhearth-stones，withthecoldpokerasourclub，andtheexerciseiseasy。Butwhenwecometoreallife，thepokerisinthefore，and，tentoone，ifwewouldgraspit，wefindittoohottohold；——luckyforus，ifitisnotwhite-hot，andwedonothavetoleavetheskinofourhandsstickingtoitwhenweflingitdownordropitwithaloudorsilentcry！——
IamfrightenedwhenIfindintowhatalabyrinthofhumancharacterandfeelingIamwinding。Imeanttotellmythoughts，andtothrowinafewstudiesofmannerandcostumeastheypicturedthemselvesformefromdaytoday。Chancehasthrowntogetheratthetablewithmeanumberofpersonswhoareworthstudying，andImeannotonlytolookonthem，but，ifIcan，throughthem。Youcangetanyman’sorwoman’ssecret，whosesphereiscircumscribedbyyourown，ifyouwillonlylookpatientlyonthemlongenough。Natureisalwaysapplyingherreagentstocharacter，ifyouwilltakethepainstowatchher。Ourstudiesofcharacter，tochangetheimage，areverymuchlikethesurveyor’striangulationofageographicalprovince。Wegetabase-lineinorganization，always；thenwegetananglebysightingsomedistantobjecttowhichthepassionsoraspirationsofthesubjectofourobservationaretending；thenanother；——andsoweconstructourfirsttriangle。Oncefixaman’sideals，andforthemostparttherestiseasy。Awantstodieworthhalfamillion。Good。Bfemalewantstocatchhim，——andoutlivehim。Allright。Minordetailsatourleisure。
Whatisit，ofallyourexperiences，ofallyourthoughts，ofallyourmisdoings，thatliesattheverybottomofthegreatheapofactsofconsciousnesswhichmakeupyourpastlife？Whatshouldyoumostdisliketotellyournearestfriend？——Besogoodastopauseforabriefspace，andshutthevolumeyouholdwithyourfingerbetweenthepages——Oh，thatisit！
WhataconfessionalIhavebeensittingat，withtheinwardearofmysoulopen，asthemultitudinouswhisperofmyinvoluntaryconfidantscamebacktomelikethereduplicatedechoofacryamongthecraggybills！
AtthehouseofafriendwhereIoncepassedthenightwasoneofthosestatelyuprightcabinetdesksandcasesofdrawerswhichwerenotrareinprosperousfamiliesduringthelastcentury。Ithadheldtheclothesandthebooksandthepapersofgenerationaftergeneration。Thehandsthatopeneditsdrawershadgrownwithered，shrivelled，andatlastbeenfoldedindeath。Thechildrenthatplayedwiththelowerhandleshadgottallenoughtoopenthedesk，toreachtheuppershelvesbehindthefolding-doors，——grownbentafterawhile，——andthenfollowedthosewhohadgonebefore，andlefttheoldcabinettoberansackedbyanewgeneration。
Aboyoftenortwelvewaslookingatitafewyearsago，and，beingaquick-wittedfellow，sawthatallthespacewasnotaccountedforbythesmallerdrawersinthepartbeneaththelidofthedesk。
Pryingaboutwithbusyeyesandfingers，heatlengthcameuponaspring，onpressingwhich，asecretdrawerflewfromitshiding-
place。Ithadneverbeenopenedbutbythemaker。Themahoganyshavingsanddustwerelyinginitaswhentheartisanclosedit，——
andwhenIsawit，itwasasfreshasifthatdayfinished。
Istherenotonelittledrawerinyoursoul，mysweetreader，whichnohandbutyourshaseveropened，andwhichnonethathaveknownyouseemtohavesuspected？Whatdoesithold？——Asin？——Ihopenot。
Whatastrangethinganolddeadsinlaidawayinasecretdrawerofthesoulis！Mustitsometimeorotherbemoistenedwithtears，untilitcomestolifeagainandbeginstostirinourconsciousness，——asthedrywheel-animalcule，lookinglikeagrainofdust，becomesalive，ifitiswetwithadropofwater？
Orisitapassion？Thereareplentyofwitheredmenandwomenwalkingaboutthestreetswhohavethesecretdrawerintheirhearts，which，ifitwereopened，wouldshowasfreshasitwaswhentheywereintheflushofyouthanditsfirsttremblingemotions。
Whatitheldwill，perhaps，neverbeknown，untiltheyaredeadandgone，andsamecuriouseyelightsonanoldyellowletterwiththefossilfootprintsoftheextinctpassiontroddenthickalloverit。
Thereisnotaboarderatourtable，Ifirmlybelieve，exceptingtheyounggirl，whohasnotastoryofthehearttotell，ifonecouldonlygetthesecretdraweropen。Eventhisaridfemale，whosearmorofblackbombazinelooksstrongeragainsttheshaftsoflovethananycuirassoftriplebrass，hashadhersentimentalhistory，ifIamnotmistaken。Iwilltellyoumyreasonforsuspectingit。
Likemanyotheroldwomen，sheshowsagreatnervousnessandrestlessnesswheneverIventuretoexpressanyopinionuponaclassofsubjectswhichcanhardlybesaidtobelongtoanymanorsetofmenastheirstrictlyprivateproperty，——noteventotheclergy，orthenewspaperscommonlycalled\"religious。\"Now，althoughitwouldbeagreatluxurytometoobtainmyopinionsbycontract，ready-
made，fromaprofessionalman，andalthoughIhaveaconstitutionalkindlyfeelingtoallsortsofgoodpeoplewhichwouldmakemehappytoagreewithalltheirbeliefs，ifthatwerepossible，stillImusthaveanidea，nowandthen，astothemeaningoflife；andthoughtheonlyconditionofpeaceinthisworldistohavenoideas，or，atleast，nottoexpressthem，withreferencetosuchsubjects，Ican’taffordtopayquitesomuchasthatevenforpeace。
IfindthatthereisaveryprevalentopinionamongthedwellersontheshoresofSirIsaacNewton’sOceanofTruth，thatsalt，fish，whichhavebeentakenfromitagoodwhileago，splitopen，curedanddried，aretheonlyproperandallowablefoodforreasonablepeople。
Imaintain，ontheotherhand，thatthereareanumberoflivefishstillswimminginit，andthateveryoneofushasarighttoseeifhecannotcatchsomeofthem。SometimesIpleasemyselfwiththeideathatIhavelandedanactuallivingfish，small，perhaps，butwithrosygillsandsilveryscales。ThenIfindtheconsumersofnothingbutthesaltedanddriedarticleinsistthatitispoisonous，simplybecauseitisalive，andcryouttopeoplenottotouchit。I
havenotfound，however，thatpeoplemindthemmuch。
Thepoorboarderinbombazineismydynamometer。Itryeveryquestionablepropositiononher。Ifshewinces，Imustbepreparedforanoutcryfromtheotheroldwomen。Ifrightenedher，theotherday，bysayingthatfaith，asanintellectualstate，wasself-
reliance，which，ifyouhaveametaphysicalturn，youwillfindisnotsomuchofaparadoxasitsoundsatfirst。Soshesentmeabooktoreadwhichwastocuremeofthaterror。Itwasanoldbook，andlookedasifithadnotbeenopenedforalongtime。Whatshoulddropoutofit，oneday，butasmallheart-shapedpaper，containingalockofthatstraight，coarse，brownhairwhichsetsoffthesharpfacesofsomanythin-flanked，large-handedbumpkins！Ireaduponthepaperthename\"Hiram。\"——Love！love！love！——everywhere！
everywhere！——underdiamondsandhousemaids’\"jewelry，\"——liftingthemarrowycamel’s-hair，andrustlingeventheblackbombazine！——No，no，——Ithinksheneverwaspretty，butshewasyoungonce，andworebrightginghams，and，perhaps，gaymerinos。Weshallfindthatthepoorlittlecrookedmanhasbeeninlove，orisinlove，orwillbeinlovebeforewehavedonewithhim，foraughtthatIknow！
Romance！Wasthereeveraboarding-houseintheworldwheretheseeminglyprosaictablehadnotalivingfrescoforitsbackground，whereyoucouldsee，ifyouhadeyes，thesmokeandfireofsomeupheavingsentiment，orthedrearycratersofsmoulderingorburnt-
outpassions？Youlookontheblackbombazineandhigh-neckeddecorumofyourneighbor，andnomorethinkofthereallifethatunderliesthisdespoiledanddismantledwomanhoodthanyouthinkofastonetrilobiteashavingoncebeenfullofthejuicesandthenervousthrillsofthrobbingandself-consciousbeing。Thereisawildcreatureunderthatlongyellowpinwhichservesasbroochforthebombazinecuirass，——awildcreature，whichIventuretosaywouldleapinhiscage，ifIshouldstirhim，quietasyouthinkhim。A
heartwhichhasbeendomesticatedbymatrimonyandmaternityisastranquilasatamebullfinch；butawildheartwhichhasneverbeenfairlybrokeninfluttersfiercelylongafteryouthinktimehastameditdown，——likethatpurplefinchIhadtheotherday，whichcouldnotbeapproachedwithoutsuchpalpitationsandfranticflingsagainstthebarsofhiscage，thatIhadtosendhimbackandgetalittleorthodoxcanarywhichhadlearnedtobequietandnevermindthewiresorhiskeeper’shandling。Iwilltellyoumywicked，buthalfinvoluntaryexperimentonthewildheartunderthefadedbombazine。
Wasthereeverapersonintheroomwithyou，markedbyanyspecialweaknessorpeculiarity，withwhomyoucouldbetwohoursandnottouchtheinfirmspot？Iconfessthemostfrightfultendencytodojustthisthing。Ifamanhasabrogue，Iamsuretocatchmyselfimitatingit。Ifanotherislame，Ifollowhim，or，worsethanthat，gobeforehim，limping。
IcouldnevermeetanIrishgentleman——ifithadbeentheDukeofWellingtonhimself——withoutstumblingupontheword\"Paddy，\"——whichI
userarelyinmycommontalk。
Ihavebeenworriedtoknowwhetherthiswasowingtosomeinnatedepravityofdispositiononmypart，somemalignanttorturinginstinct，which，underdifferentcircumstances，mighthavemadeaFijiananthropophagusofme，ortosomelawofthoughtforwhichI
wasnotanswerable。Itis，Iamconvinced，akindofphysicalfactlikeendosmosis，withwhichsomeofyouareacquainted。Athinfilmofpolitenessseparatestheunspokenandunspeakablecurrentofthoughtfromthestreamofconversation。Afteratimeonebeginstosoakthroughandminglewiththeother。
Weweretalkingaboutnames，oneday——Wasthereeveranything，——I
said，——liketheYankeeforinventingthemostuncouth，pretentious，detestableappellations，——inventingorfindingthem，——sincethetimeofPraise-GodBarebones？Iheardacountry-boyoncetalkingofanotherwhomhecalledElpit，asIunderstoodhim。Elbridgeiscommonenough，butthissoundedoddly。ItseemstheboywaschristenedLordPitt，——andcalledforconvenience，asabove。Ihaveheardacharminglittlegirl，belongingtoanintelligentfamilyinthecountry，calledAngesinvariably；doubtlessintendedforAgnes。
Namesarecheap。Howcanamannameaninnocentnew-bornchild，thatneverdidhimanyharm，Hiram？——Thepoorrelation，orwhateversheis，inbombazine，turnedtowardme，butIwasstupid，andwenton——
Tothinkofamangoingthroughlifesaddledwithsuchanabominablenameasthat！——Thepoorrelationgrewveryuneasy——Icontinued；
forIneverthoughtofallthistillafterwards——Iknewoneyoungfellow，agoodmanyyearsago，bythenameofHiram——What’sgotintoyou，Cousin，——saidourlandlady，——tolookso？——There！you’veupsetyourteacup！
ItsuddenlyoccurredtomewhatIhadbeendoing，andIsawthepoorwomanhadherhandatherthroat；shewashalf-chokingwiththe\"hystericball，\"——averyoddsymptom，asyouknow，whichnervouswomenoftencomplainof。WhatbusinesshadItobetryingexperimentsonthisforlornoldsoul？Ihadagreatdealbetterbewatchingthatyounggirl。
Ah，theyounggirl！Iamsurethatshecanhidenothingfromme。
Herskinissotransparentthatonecanalmostcountherheart-beatsbytheflushestheysendintohercheeks。Shedoesnotseemtobeshy，either。Ithinkshedoesnotknowenoughofdangertobetimid。
Sheseemstomelikeoneofthosebirdsthattravellerstellof，foundinremote，uninhabitedislands，who，havingneverreceivedanywrongatthehandofman，shownoalarmatandhardlyanyparticularconsciousnessofhispresence。
Thefirstthingwillbetoseehowsheandourlittledeformedgentlemangetalongtogether；for，asIhavetoldyou，theysitsidebyside。Thenextthingwillbetokeepaneyeontheduenna，——the\"Model\"andsoforth，asthewhite-neck-clothcalledher。Theintentionofthatestimableladyis，Iunderstand，tolaunchherandleaveher。Isupposethereisnohelpforit，andIdon’tdoubtthisyoungladyknowshowtotakecareofherself，butIdonotliketoseeyounggirlsturnedlooseinboarding-houses。Lookherenow！
Thereisthatjewelofhisrace，whomIhavecalledforconveniencetheKoh-i-noor，youunderstanditisquiteoutofthequestionformetousethefamilynamesofourboarders，unlessIwanttogetintotrouble，——Isay，thegentlemanwiththediamondislookingveryoftenandveryintently，itseemstome，downtowardthefarthercornerofthetable，wheresitsouramber-eyedblonde。Thelandlady’sdaughterdoesnotlookpleased，itseemstome，atthis，noratthoseotherattentionswhichthegentlemanreferredtohas，asIhavelearned，presseduponthenewly-arrivedyoungperson。Thelandladymadeacommunicationtome，withinafewdaysafterthearrivalofMissIris，whichIwillrepeattothebestofmyremembrance。
He，thepersonIhavebeenspeakingof，——shesaid，——seemedtobekinderhankerin’roundafterthatyoungwoman。Ithadhurtherdaughter’sfeelin’sagooddeal，thatthegentlemanshewasa-keepin’
companywithshouldbeofferin’ticketsandtryin’tosendpresentstothemthathe’dneverknow’dtilljestalittlespellago，——andheasgoodasmerried，sofurassolemnpromiseswent，toasrespectableayounglady，ifshedidsayso，asanytherewasround，whosomevertheymightbe。
Tickets！presents！——saidI——Whattickets，whatpresentshashehadtheimpertinencetobeofferingtothatyounglady？
TicketstotheMuseum，——saidthelandlady。Thereisthemthat’sgladenoughtogototheMuseum，whenticketsisgiven’em；butsomeof’emha’n’thadaticketsenceCenderillawasplayed，——andnowhemustbeofferin’’emtothisridiculousyoungpaintress，orwhateversheis，that’scometomakemoremischiefthanherboard’sworth。Butita’n’therfault，——saidthelandlady，relenting；——andthatauntofhers，orwhateversheis，servedhimrightenough。
Why，whatdidshedo？
Do？Why，shetookitupinthetongsanddroppeditouto’winder。
Dropped？droppedwhat？——Isaid。
Why，thesoap，——saidthelandlady。
ItappearedthattheKoh-i-noor，toingratiatehimself，hadsentanelegantpackageofperfumedsoap，directedtoMissIris，asadelicateexpressionofalivelysentimentofadmiration，andthat，afterhavingmetwiththeunfortunatetreatmentreferredto，itwaspickedupbyMasterBenjaminFranklin，whoappropriatedit，rejoicing，andindulgedinmostunheard-ofandinordinateablutionsinconsequence，sothathishandswereafrequentsubjectofmaternalcongratulation，andhesmeltlikeacivet-catforweeksafterhisgreatacquisition。
Afterwatchingdailyforatime，IthinkIcanseeclearlyintotherelationwhichisgrowingupbetweenthelittlegentlemanandtheyounglady。SheshowsatendernesstohimthatIcan’thelpbeinginterestedin。Ifhewashercrippledchild，insteadofbeingmorethanoldenoughtobeherfather，shecouldnottreathimmorekindly。Thelandlady’sdaughtersaid，theotherday，shebelievedthatgirlwassettin’hercapfortheLittleGentleman。
Someofthemyoungfolksisveryartful，——saidhermother，——andthereisthemthatwouldmerryLazarus，ifhe’donlypickedupcrumbsenough。Idon’tthink，though，thisisoneofthatsort；she’skinderchildlike，——saidthelandlady，——andmaybeneverhadanydollstoplaywith；fortheysayherfolkswaspoorbeforeMa’amundertooktoseetoherteachin’andboardherandclotheher。
Icouldnothelpoverhearingthisconversation。\"Boardherandclotheher！\"——speakingofsuchayoungcreature！Oh，dear！——Yes，——
shemustbefed，——justlikeBridget，maid-of-all-workatthisestablishment。Somebodymustpayforit。Somebodyhasarighttowatchherandseehowmuchittakesto\"keep\"her，andgrowlather，ifshehastoogoodanappetite。Somebodyhasarighttokeepaneyeonherandtakecarethatshedoesnotdresstooprettily。Nomothertoseeherownyouthoveragaininthesefreshfeaturesandrisingreliefsofhalf-sculpturedwomanhood，and，seeingitsloveliness，forgetherlessonsofneutral-tintedpropriety，andopenthecasesthatholdherownornamentstofindforheranecklaceorabraceletorapairofear-rings，——thosegoldenlampsthatlightupthedeep，shadowydimplesonthecheeksofyoungbeauties，——swinginginasemi-
barbaricsplendorthatcarriesthewildfancytoAbyssinianqueensandmuskyOdalisques！Idon’tbelieveanywomanhasutterlygivenupthegreatfirmofMundus&Co。，solongasshewearsear-rings。
IthinkIrislovestoheartheLittleGentlemantalk。Shesmilessometimesathisvehementstatements，butneverlaughsathim。Whenhespeakstoher，shekeepshereyealwayssteadilyuponhim。Thismaybeonlynaturalgood-breeding，sotospeak，butitisworthnoticing。Ihaveoftenobservedthatvulgarpersons，andpublicaudiencesofinferiorcollectiveintelligence，havethisincommon:
theleastthingdrawsofftheirminds，whenyouarespeakingtothem。
Ilovethisyoungcreature’sraptattentiontoherdiminutiveneighborwhileheisspeaking。
Heisevidentlypleasedwithit。Foradayortwoaftershecame，hewassilentandseemednervousandexcited。Nowheisfondofgettingthetalkintohisownhands，andisobviouslyconsciousthathehasatleastoneinterestedlistener。OnceortwiceIhaveseenmarksofspecialattentiontopersonaladornment，aruffledshirt-bosom，oneday，andadiamondpininit，——notsoverylargeastheKoh-i-noor’s，butmorelustrous。Imentionedthedeath’s-headringhewearsonhisrighthand。Iwasattractedbyaveryhandsomeredstone，arubyorcarbuncleorsomethingofthesort，tonoticehislefthand，theotherday。Itisahandsomehand，andconfirmsmysuspicionthatthecastmentionedwastakenfromhisarm。Afterall，thisisjustwhatIshouldexpect。Itisnotveryuncommontoseetheupperlimbs，oroneofthem，runningawaywiththewholestrength，and，therefore，withthewholebeauty，whichweshouldneverhavenoticed，ifithadbeendividedequallybetweenallfourextremities。Ifitisso，ofcourseheisproudofhisonestrongandbeautifularm；thatishumannature。Iamafraidhecanhardlyhelpbetrayinghisfavoritism，aspeoplewhohaveanyoneshowypointareapttodo，——especiallydentistswithhandsometeeth，whoalwayssmilebacktotheirlastmolars。
Sitting，ashedoes，nexttotheyounggirl，andnextbutonetothecalmladywhohasherincharge，hecannothelpseeingtheirrelationstoeachother。
Thatisanadmirablewoman，Sir，——hesaidtomeoneday，aswesataloneatthetableafterbreakfast，——anadmirablewoman，Sir，——andI
hateher。
Ofcourse，Ibeggedanexplanation。
Anadmirablewoman，Sir，becauseshedoesgoodthings，andevenkindthings，——takescareofthis——this——younglady——wehavehere，talkslikeasensibleperson，andalwayslooksasifshewasdoingherdutywithallhermight。Ihateherbecausehervoicesoundsasifitnevertrembledandhereyeslookasifsheneverknewwhatitwastocry。Besides，shelooksatme，Sir，staresatme，asifshewantedtogetanimageofmeforsomegalleryinherbrain，——andwedon’tlovetobelookedatinthisway，wethathave——Ihateher，——Ihateher，——hereyeskillme，——itislikebeingstabbedwithiciclestobelookedatso，——thesoonershegoeshome，thebetter。Idon’twantawomantoweighmeinabalance；therearemenenoughforthatsortofwork。Thejudicialcharacterisn’tcaptivatinginfemales，Sir。A
womanfascinatesamanquiteasoftenbywhatsheoverlooksasbywhatshesees。Lovepreferstwilighttodaylight；andamandoesn’tthinkmuchof，norcaremuchfor，awomanoutsideofhishousehold，unlesshecancoupletheideaoflove，past，present，orfuture，withher。Idon’tbelievetheDevilwouldgivehalfasmuchfortheservicesofasinnerashewouldforthoseofoneofthesefolksthatarealwaysdoingvirtuousactsinawaytomakethemunpleasing——
Thatyounggirlwantsatendernaturetocherishherandgiveherachancetoputoutherleaves，——sunshine，andnoteastwinds。
Hewassilent，——andsatlookingathishandsomelefthandwiththeredstoneringuponit——IshegoingtofallinlovewithIris？
HerearesomelinesIreadtotheboarderstheotherday:——
THECROOKEDFOOTPATH
Ah，hereitis！theslidingrailThatmarkstheoldrememberedspot，——
Thegapthatstruckourschoolboytrail，——
Thecrookedpathacrossthelot。
Itlefttheroadbyschoolandchurch，Apencilledshadow，nothingmore，ThatpartedfromthesilverbirchAndendedatthefarmhousedoor。
Nolineorcompasstraceditsplan；
Withfrequentbendstoleftorright，Inaimless，waywardcurvesitran，Butalwayskeptthedoorinsight。
Thegabledporch，withwoodbinegreen，——
Thebrokenmillstoneatthesill，——
Thoughmanyaroodmightstretchbetween，Thetruantchildcouldseethemstill。
Norocks，acrossthepathwaylie，——
Nofallentrunkiso’eritthrown，——
Andyetitwinds，weknownotwhy，Andturnsasiffortreeorstone。
PerhapssomelovertrodthewayWithshakingkneesandleapingheart，——
AndsoitoftenrunsastrayWithsinuoussweeporsuddenstart。
Orone，perchance，withcloudedbrain>Fromsomeunholybanquetreeled，——
Andsince，ourdeviousstepsmaintainHistrackacrossthetroddenfield。
Nay，deemnotthus，——noearthbornwillCouldevertraceafaultlessline；
Ourtrueststepsarehumanstill，——
Towalkunswervingweredivine！
Truantsfromlove，wedreamofwrath；——
Oh，ratherletustrustthemore！
Throughallthewanderingsofthepath，WestillcanseeourFather’sdoor！
V
TheProfessorfindsaFlyinhisTeacup。
Ihavealongtheologicaltalktorelate，whichmustbedullreadingtosomeofmyyoungandvivaciousfriends。Idon’tknow，however，thatanyofthemhaveenteredintoacontracttoreadallthatI
write，orthatIhavepromisedalwaystowritetopleasethem。WhatifIshouldsometimeswritetopleasemyself？
Nowyoumustknowthatthereareagreatmanythingswhichinterestme，tosomeofwhichthisorthatparticularclassofreadersmaybetotallyindifferent。IloveNature，andhumannature，itsthoughts，affections，dreams，aspirations，delusions，——Artinallitsforms，——
virtuinallitseccentricities，——oldstoriesfromblack-lettervolumesandyellowmanuscripts，andnewprojectsoutofhotbrainsnotyetimbeddedinthesnowsofage。Ilovethegenerousimpulsesofthereformer；butnotlessdoesmyimaginationfeeditselfupontheoldlitanies，sooftenwarmedbythehumanbreathuponwhichtheywerewaftedtoHeaventhattheyglowthroughourframeslikeourownheart’sblood。IhopeIlovegoodmenandwomen；Iknowthattheyneverspeakawordtome，evenifitbeofquestionorblame，thatI
donottakepleasantly，ifitisexpressedwithareasonableamountofhumankindness。
Ihavebeforemeatthistimeabeautifulandaffectingletter，whichIhavehesitatedtoanswer，thoughthepostmarkuponitgaveitsdirection，andthenameisonewhichisknowntoall，insomeofitsrepresentatives。Itcontainsnoreproach，onlyadelicately-hintedfear。Speakgently，asthisdearladyhasspoken，andthereisnoheartsoinsensiblethatitdoesnotanswertotheappeal，nointellectsovirilethatitdoesnotownacertaindeferencetotheclaimsofage，ofchildhood，ofsensitiveandtimidnatures，whentheypleadwithitnottolookatthosesacredthingsbythebroaddaylightwhichtheyseeinmysticshadow。Howgratefulwoulditbetomakeperpetualpeacewiththesepleadingsaintsandtheirconfessors，bythesimpleactthatsilencesallcomplainings！Sleep，sleep，sleep！saystheArch-Enchantressofthemall，——andpoursherdarkandpotentanodyne，distilledoverthefiresthatconsumedherfoes，——itslarge，rounddropschanging，aswelook，intothebeadsofherconvert’srosary！Silence！theprideofreason！criesanother，whosewholelifeisspentinreasoningdownreason。
IhopeIlovegoodpeople，notfortheirsake，butformyown。Andmostassuredly，ifanydeedofwrongorwordofbitternessledmeintoanactofdisrespecttowardsthatenlightenedandexcellentclassofmenwhomakeittheircallingtoteachgoodnessandtheirdutytopractiseit，IshouldfeelthatIhaddonemyselfaninjuryratherthanthem。Goandtalkwithanyprofessionalmanholdinganyofthemedievalcreeds，choosingonewhowearsuponhisfeaturesthemarkofinwardandoutwardhealth，wholookscheerful，intelligent，andkindly，andseehowallyourprejudicesmeltawayinhispresence！Itisimpossibletocomeintointimaterelationswithalarge，sweetnature，suchasyoumayoftenfindinthisclass，withoutlongingtobeatonewithitinallitsmodesofbeingandbelieving。Butdoesitnotoccurtoyouthatonemaylovetruthasheseesit，andhisraceasheviewsit，betterthaneventhesympathyandapprobationofmanygoodmenwhomhehonors，——betterthansleepingtothesoundoftheMiserereorlisteningtotherepetitionofaneffeteConfessionofFaith？
Thethreelearnedprofessionshavebutrecentlyemergedfromastateofquasi-barbarism。Noneofthemliketoowelltobetoldofit，butitmustbesoundedintheirearswhenevertheyputonairs。Whenamanhastakenanoverdoseoflaudanum，thedoctorstellustoplacehimbetweentwopersonswhoshallmakehimwalkupanddownincessantly；andifhestillcannotbekeptfromgoingtosleep，theysaythatalashortwooverhisbackisofgreatassistance。
Sowemustkeepthedoctorsawakebytellingthemthattheyhavenotyetshakenoffastrologyandthedoctrineofsignatures，asisshownbytheformoftheirprescriptions，andtheiruseofnitrateofsilver，whichturnsepilepticsintoEthiopians。Ifthatisnotenough，theymustbegivenovertothescourgers，wholiketheirtaskandgetgoodfeesforit。Afewscoreyearsago，sickpeopleweremadetoswallowburnttoadsandpowderedearthwormsandtheexpressedjuiceofwood-lice。ThephysicianofCharlesI。andII。prescribedabominationsnottobenamed。Barbarism，asbadasthatofCongoorAshantee。Tracesofthisbarbarismlingereveninthegreatlyimprovedmedicalscienceofourcentury。Sowhilethesolemnfarceofover-druggingisgoingon，theworldover，theharlequinpseudo-
sciencejumpsontothestage，whipinhand，withhalf-a-dozensomersets，andbeginslayingabouthim。
In1817，perhapsyouremember，thelawofwagerbybattlewasunrepealed，andtherascallymurderous，andworsethanmurderous，clown，AbrahamThornton，putonhisgauntletinopencourtanddefiedtheappellanttolifttheotherwhichhethrewdown。ItwasnotuntilthereignofGeorgeII。thatthestatutesagainstwitchcraftwererepealed。AsfortheEnglishCourtofChancery，weknowthatitsantiquatedabusesformoneofthestaplesofcommonproverbsandpopularliterature。Sothelawsandthelawyershavetobewatchedperpetuallybypublicopinionasmuchasthedoctorsdo。
Idon’tthinktheotherprofessionisanexception。WhentheReverendMr。Cauvinandhisassociatesburnedmydistinguishedscientificbrother，——hewasburnedwithgreenfagots，whichmadeitratherslowandpainful，——itappearstometheywereinastateofreligiousbarbarism。ThedogmasofsuchpeopleabouttheFatherofMankindandhiscreaturesareofnomoreaccountinmyopinionthanthoseofacouncilofAztecs。Ifamanpicksyourpocket，doyounotconsiderhimtherebydisqualifiedtopronounceanyauthoritativeopiniononmattersofethics？Ifamanhangsmyancientfemalerelativesforsorcery，astheydidinthisneighborhoodalittlewhileago，orburnsmyinstructorfornotbelievingashedoes，I
carenomoreforhisreligiousedictsthanIshouldforthoseofanyotherbarbarian。
Ofcourse，abarbarianmayholdmanytrueopinions；butwhentheideasofthehealingart，oftheadministrationofjustice，ofChristianlove，couldnotexcludesystematicpoisoning，judicialduelling，andmurderforopinion’ssake，Idonotseehowwecantrusttheverdictofthattimerelatingtoanysubjectwhichinvolvestheprimalinstinctsviolatedintheseabominationsandabsurdities——
Whatifweareevennowinastateofsemi-barbarism？
[Thisphysicianbelieveswe\"areevennowinastateofsemi-
barbarism\":invasiveproceduresfortheprolongationofdeathratherthanprolongationoflife；\"faith\"，asslimlybasedasmedievalfaithinminutedifferencesbetweencontrolandtreatedgroups；statisticalmanipulationtoproveaprejudice。Medicinehasagooddealtoanswerfor！D。W。]
Perhapssomethinkweoughtnottotalkattableaboutsuchthings——
Iamnotsosureofthat。Religionandgovernmentappeartomethetwosubjectswhichofallothersshouldbelongtothecommontalkofpeoplewhoenjoytheblessingsoffreedom。Think，onemoment。Theearthisagreatfactory-wheel，which，ateveryrevolutiononitsaxis，receivesfiftythousandrawsoulsandturnsoffnearlythesamenumberworkedupmoreorlesscompletely。Theremustbesomewhereapopulationoftwohundredthousandmillion，perhapstenorahundredtimesasmany，earth-bornintelligences。Life，aswecallit，isnothingbuttheedgeoftheboundlessoceanofexistencewhereitcomesonsoundings。Inthisview，Idonotseeanythingsofittotalkabout，orhalfsointeresting，asthatwhichrelatestotheinnumerablemajorityofourfellow-creatures，thedead-living，whoarehundredsofthousandstooneofthelive-living，andwithwhomweallpotentiallybelong，thoughwehavegottangledforthepresentinsomeparcelsoffibrine，albumen，andphosphates，thatkeepusontheminoritysideofthehouse。Inpointoffact，itisoneofthemanyresultsofSpiritualismtomakethepermanentdestinyoftheraceamatterofcommonreflectionanddiscourse，andavehiclefortheprevailingdisbeliefoftheMiddle-Agedoctrinesonthesubject。I
cannothelpthinking，whenIrememberhowmanyconversationsmyfriendandmyselfhavesported，thatitwouldbeveryextraordinary，iftherewerenomentionofthatclassofsubjectswhichinvolvesallthatwehaveandallthatwehope，notmerelyforourselves，butforthedearpeoplewhomwelovebest，——noblemen，pureandlovelywomen，ingenuouschildren，aboutthedestinyofninetenthsofwhomyouknowtheopinionsthatwouldhavebeentaughtbythoseoldman-roasting，woman-stranglingdogmatists——However，Ifoughtthismatterwithoneofourboarderstheotherday，andIamgoingtoreporttheconversation。
Thedivinity-studentcamedown，onemorning，lookingrathermoreseriousthanusual。Hesaidlittleatbreakfast-time，butlingeredaftertheothers，sothatI，whoamapttobelongatthetable，foundmyselfalonewithhim。
Whentherestwereallgone，heturnedhischairroundtowardsmine，andbegan。
Iamafraid，——hesaid，——youexpressyourselfalittletoofreelyonamostimportantclassofsubjects。Istherenotdangerinintroducingdiscussionsorallusionsrelatingtomattersofreligionintocommondiscourse？
Dangertowhat？——Iasked。
Dangertotruth，——hereplied，afteraslightpause。
Ididn’tknowTruthwassuchaninvalid，’Isaid——Howlongisitsinceshecouldonlytaketheairinaclosecarriage，withagentlemaninablackcoatonthebox？Letmetellyouastory，adaptedtoyoungpersons，butwhichwon’thurtolderones——
Therewasaverylittleboywhohadoneofthoseballoonsyoumayhaveseen，whicharefilledwithlightgas，andareheldbyastringtokeepthemfromrunningoffinaeronauticvoyagesontheirownaccount。Thislittleboyhadanaughtybrother，whosaidtohim，oneday，——Brother，pulldownyourballoon，sothatIcanlookatitandtakeholdofit。Thenthelittleboypulleditdown。Nowthenaughtybrotherhadasharppininhishand，andhethrustitintotheballoon，andallthegasoozedout，sothattherewasnothingleftbutashrivelledskin。
Oneevening，thelittleboy’sfathercalledhimtothewindowtoseethemoon，whichpleasedhimverymuch；butpresentlyhesaid，——
Father，donotpullthestringandbringdownthemoon，formynaughtybrotherwillprickit，andthenitwillallshrivelupandweshallnotseeitanymore。
Thenhisfatherlaughed，andtoldhimhowthemoonhadbeenshiningagoodwhile，andwouldshineagoodwhilelonger，andthatallwecoulddowastokeepourwindowsclean，neverlettingthedustgettoothickonthem，andespeciallytokeepoureyesopen，butthatwecouldnotpullthemoondownwithastring，norprickitwithapin——
Mindyouthis，too，themoonisnoman’sprivateproperty，butisseenfromagoodmanyparlor-windows——
Truthistough。Itwillnotbreak，likeabubble，atatouch；nay，youmaykickitaboutallday，likeafootball，anditwillberoundandfullatevening。DoesnotMr。Bryantsay，thatTruthgetswellifsheisrunoverbyalocomotive，whileErrordiesoflockjawifshescratchesherfinger？[Wouldthatthiswasso:——error，superstition，mysticism，authoritarianism，pseudo-scienceallhaveatenacitythatsurvivesinexplicably。D。W。]Ineverheardthatamathematicianwasalarmedforthesafetyofademonstratedproposition。Ithink，generally，thatfearofopendiscussionimpliesfeeblenessofinwardconviction，andgreatsensitivenesstotheexpressionofindividualopinionisamarkofweakness——
Iamnotsomuchafraidfortruth，——saidthedivinity-student，——asfortheconceptionsoftruthinthemindsofpersonsnotaccustomedtojudgewiselytheopinionsutteredbeforethem。
Wouldyou，then，banishallallusionstomattersofthisnaturefromthesocietyofpeoplewhocometogetherhabitually？
Iwouldbeverycarefulinintroducingthem，——saidthedivinity-
student。
Yes，butfriendsofyoursleavepamphletsinpeople’sentries，tobepickedupbynervousmissesandhysterichousemaids，fullofdoctrinesthesepeopledonotapprove。Someofyourfriendsstoplittlechildreninthestreet，andgivethembooks，whichtheirparents，whohavehadthembaptizedintotheChristianfoldandgivethemwhattheyconsiderproperreligiousinstruction，donotthinkfitforthem。Onewouldsayitwasfairenoughtotalkaboutmattersthusforceduponpeople’sattention。
Thedivinity-studentcouldnotdenythatthiswaswhatmightbecalledopeningthesubjecttothediscussionofintelligentpeople。
But，——hesaid，——thegreatestobjectionisthis，thatpersonswhohavenotmadeaprofessionalstudyoftheologyarenotcompetenttospeakonsuchsubjects。Supposeaministerweretoundertaketoexpressopinionsonmedicalsubjects，forinstance，wouldyounotthinkhewasgoingbeyondhisprovince？
Ilaughed，——forIrememberedJohnWesley’s\"sulphurandsupplication，\"andsomanyothercaseswhereministershadmeddledwithmedicine，——sometimeswellandsometimesill，but，asageneralrule，withatremendouslurchtoquackery，owingtotheirveryloosewayofadmittingevidence，——thatIcouldnothelpbeingamused。
Ibegyourpardon，——Isaid，——Idonotwishtobeimpolite，butIwasthinkingoftheircertificatestopatentmedicines。Letuslookatthismatter。
Ifaministerhadattendedlecturesonthetheoryandpracticeofmedicine，deliveredbythosewhohadstudieditmostdeeply，forthirtyorfortyyears，attherateoffromfiftytoonehundredayear，——ifhehadbeenconstantlyreadingandhearingreadthemostapprovedtext-booksonthesubject，——ifhehadseenmedicineactuallypractisedaccordingtodifferentmethods，daily，forthesamelengthoftime，——Ishouldthink，thatifapersonofaverageunderstanding，hewasentitledtoexpressanopiniononthesubjectofmedicine，orelsethathisinstructorswereasetofignorantandincompetentcharlatans。
If，beforeamedicalpractitionerwouldallowmetoenjoythefullprivilegesofthehealingart，heexpectedmetoaffirmmybeliefinaconsiderablenumberofmedicaldoctrines，drugs，andformulae，I
shouldthinkthathetherebyimpliedmyrighttodiscussthesame，andmyabilitytodoso，ifIknewhowtoexpressmyselfinEnglish。
Suppose，forinstance，theMedicalSocietyshouldrefusetogiveusanopiate，ortosetabrokenlimb，untilwehadsignedourbeliefinacertainnumberofpropositions，——ofwhichwewillsaythisisthefirst:
I。Allmen’steetharenaturallyinastateoftotaldecayorcaries，and，therefore，nomancanbiteuntileveryoneofthemisextractedandanewsetisinsertedaccordingtotheprinciplesofdentistryadoptedbythisSociety。
I，forone，shouldwanttodiscussthatbeforesigningmynametoit，andIshouldsaythis:——Why，no，thatisn’ttrue。Thereareagoodmanybadteeth，weallknow，butagreatmanymoregoodones。Youmustn’ttrustthedentists；theyareallthetimelookingatthepeoplewhohavebadteeth，andsuchasaresufferingfromtoothache。
Theideathatyoumustpullouteveryoneofeveryniceyoungmanandyoungwoman’snaturalteeth！Poh，poh！Nobodybelievesthat。Thistoothmustbestraightened，thatmustbefilledwithgold，andthisotherperhapsextracted，butitmustbeaveryrarecase，iftheyareallsobadastorequireextraction；andiftheyare，don’tblamethepoorsoulforit！Don’ttellus，assomeolddentistsusedto，thateverybodynotonlyalwayshaseverytoothinhisheadgoodfornothing，butthatheoughttohavehisheadcutoffasapunishmentforthatmisfortune！No，Ican’tsignNumberOne。GiveusNumberTwo。
II。Weholdthatnomancanbewellwhodoesnotagreewithourviewsoftheefficacyofcalomel，andwhodoesnottakethedosesofitprescribedinourtables，astheredirected。
TowhichIdemur，questioningwhyitshouldbeso，andgetforanswerthetwofollowing:
III。Everymanwhodoesnottakeourpreparedcalomel，asprescribedbyusinourConstitutionandBy-Laws，isandmustbeamassofdiseasefromheadtofoot；itbeingself-evidentthatheissimultaneouslyaffectedwithApoplexy，Arthritis，Ascites，Asphyxia，andAtrophy；withBorborygmus，Bronchitis，andBulimia；withCachexia，Carcinoma，andCretinismus；andsoonthroughthealphabet，toXerophthahniaandZona，withallpossibleandincompatiblediseaseswhicharenecessarytomakeupatotallymorbidstate；andhewillcertainlydie，ifhedoesnottakefreelyofourpreparedcalomel，tobeobtainedonlyofoneofourauthorizedagents。
IV。Nomanshallbeallowedtotakeourpreparedcalomelwhodoesnotgiveinhissolemnadhesiontoeachandalloftheabove-namedandthefollowingpropositionsfromtentoahundredandshowhismouthtocertainofourapothecaries，whohavenotstudieddentistry，toexaminewhetherallhisteethhavebeenextractedandanewsetinsertedaccordingtoourregulations。
Ofcourse，thedoctorshavearighttosaywesha’n’thaveanyrhubarb，ifwedon’tsigntheirarticles，andthat，if，aftersigningthem，weexpressdoubtsinpublic，aboutanyofthem，theywillcutusofffromourjalapandsquills，——butthentoaskafellownottodiscussthepropositionsbeforehesignsthemiswhatIshouldcallboilingitdownalittletoostrong！
Ifweunderstandthem，whycan’twediscussthem？Ifwecan’tunderstandthem，becausewehaven’ttakenamedicaldegree，whattheFatherofLiesdotheyaskustosignthemfor？
Justsowiththegraverprofession。Everynowandthensomeofitsmembersseemtolosecommonsenseandcommonhumanity。Thelaymenhavetokeepsettingthedivinesrightconstantly。Science，forinstance，——inotherwords，knowledge，——isnottheenemyofreligion；
for，ifso，thenreligionwouldmeanignorance:Butitisoftentheantagonistofschool-divinity。
Everybodyknowsthestoryofearlyastronomyandtheschool-divines。
Comedownalittlelater，ArchbishopUsher，averylearnedProtestantprelate，tellsusthattheworldwascreatedonSunday，thetwenty-
thirdofOctober，fourthousandandfouryearsbeforethebirthofChrist。Deluge，December7th，twothousandthreehundredandforty-
eightyearsB。C。Yes，andtheearthstandsonanelephant，andtheelephantonatortoise。Onestatementisasnearthetruthastheother。
Again，thereisnothingsobrutalizingtosomenaturesasmoralsurgery。IhaveoftenwonderedthatHogarthdidnotaddonemorepicturetohisfourstagesofCruelty。Thosewretchedfools，reverenddivinesandothers，whowerestranglingmenandwomenforimaginarycrimesalittlemorethanacenturyagoamongus，weresetrightbyalayman，andveryangryitmadethemtohavehimmeddle。
ThegoodpeopleofNorthamptonhadaveryremarkablemanfortheirclergyman，——amanwithabrainasnicelyadjustedforcertainmechanicalprocessesasBabbage’scalculatingmachine。ThecommentaryofthelaymenonthepreachingandpractisingofJonathanEdwardswas，that，aftertwenty-threeyearsofendurance，theyturnedhimoutbyavoteoftwentytoone，andpassedaresolvethatheshouldneverpreachforthemagain。Aman’slogicalandanalyticaladjustmentsareoflittleconsequence，comparedtohisprimaryrelationswithNatureandtruth:andpeoplehavesenseenoughtofinditoutinthelongran；theyknowwhat\"logic\"isworth。
Inthatmiserabledelusionreferredtoabove，thereverendAztecsandFijiansarguedrightlyenoughfromtheirpremises，nodoubt，formanymencandothis。Butcommonsenseandcommonhumanitywereunfortunatelyleftoutfromtheirpremises，andalaymanhadtosupplythem。Ahundredmoreyearsandmanyofthebarbarismsstilllingeringamonguswill，ofcourse，havedisappearedlikewitch-
hanging。Butpeoplearesensitivenow，astheywerethen。YouwillseebythisextractthattheRev。CottonMatherdidnotlikeintermeddlingwithhisbusinessverywell。
\"LettheLevitesoftheLordkeepclosetotheirInstructions，\"hesays，\"andGodwillsmitethro’theloinsofthosethatriseupagainstthem。IwillreportuntoyouaThingwhichmanyHundredsamongusknowtobetrue。TheGodlyMinisterofacertainTowninConnecticut，whenhehadoccasiontobeabsentonaLord’sDayfromhisFlock，employ’danhonestNeighbourofsomesmallTalentsforaMechanick，toreadaSermonoutofsomegoodBookunto’em。ThisHonest，whomtheyevercountedalsoaPiousMan，hadsomuchconceitofhisTalents，thatinsteadofReadingaSermonappointed，hetotheSurprizeofthePeople，felltopreachingoneofhisown。ForhisTexthetooktheseWords，’DespisenotProphecyings’；andinhisPreachmenthebetookhimselftobewailtheEnvyoftheClergyintheLand，inthattheydidnotwishalltheLord’sPeopletobeProphets，andcallforthPrivateBrethrenpublicklytoprophesie。WhilehewasthusinthemidstofhisExercise，GodsmotehimwithhorribleMadness；hewastakenravinglydistracted；thePeoplewereforc’dwithviolentHandstocarryhimhome。IwillnotmentionhisName:
HewasreputedaPiousMan。\"——ThisisoneofCottonMather’s\"RemarkableJudgmentsofGod，onSeveralSortsofOffenders，\"——andthenextcasesreferredtoaretheJudgmentsonthe\"AbominableSacrilege\"ofnotpayingtheMinisters’Salaries。
Thissortofthingdoesn’tdohereandnow，yousee，myyoungfriend！Wetalkaboutourfreeinstitutions；——theyarenothingbutacoarseoutsidemachinerytosecurethefreedomofindividualthought。