WereadwhattravellerstellusabouttheKingofDahomey，ortheFejeeIslandpeople，ortheshortandsimpleannalsofthecelebritiesrecordedintheNewgateCalendar，anddonotknowjustwhattomakeofthesebrothersandsistersoftherace。butIdonotsupposeanintelligenceevenashighastheangelicbeings，tostopshortthere，wouldseeanythingverypeculiarorwonderfulaboutthem，exceptaseverythingiswonderfulandunlikeeverythingelse。
Itisverycurioustoseehowscience，thatis，lookingatandarrangingthefactsofacasewithourowneyesandourownintelligence，withoutmindingwhatsomebodyelsehassaid，orhowsomeoldmajorityvotewentinapackofintriguingecclesiastics，——Isayitisverycurioustoseehowscienceiscatchingupwithonesuperstitionafteranother。
Thereisarecognizedbranchofsciencefamiliartoallthosewhoknowanythingofthestudiesrelatingtolife，underthenameofTeratology。Itdealswithallsortsofmonstrositieswhicharetobemetwithinlivingbeings，andmoreespeciallyinanimals。Itisfoundthatwhatusedtobecalledlususnaturae，orfreaksofnature，arejustasmuchsubjecttolawsasthenaturallydevelopedformsoflivingcreatures。
TherusticlooksattheSiamesetwins，andthinksheiscontemplatinganunheard-ofanomaly。butthereareplentyofcasesliketheirsinthebooksofscholars，andthoughtheyarenotquitesocommonasdoublecherries，themechanismoftheirformationisnotawhitmoremysteriousthanthatofthetwinnedfruits。Suchcasesdonotdisturbtheaveragearrangement。wehaveChangsandEngsatonepole，andCainsandAbelsattheother。Onechildisbornwithsixfingersoneachhand，andanotherfallsshortbyoneormorefingersofhisdueallowance。butthegloverputshisfaithinthegreatlawofaverages，andmakeshisgloveswithfivefingersapiece，trustingnaturefortheircounterparts。
Thinkingpeoplearenotgoingtobescaredoutofexplainingoratleasttryingtoexplainthingsbytheshrieksofpersonswhosebeliefsaredisturbedthereby。CometswereportentstoIncreaseMather，PresidentofHarvardCollege。preachersofDivinewrath，heraldsandmessengersofeviltidingstotheworld。ItisnotsoverylongsinceProfessorWinthropwasteachingatthesameinstitution。Icanremembertwoofhisboysverywell，oldboys，itistrue，theywere，andoneofthemworeathree-corneredcockedhat。
butthefatheroftheseboys，whom，asIsay，Icanremember，hadtodefendhimselfagainsttheministeroftheOldSouthChurchfortheimpietyoftryingtoaccountforearthquakesonnaturalprinciples。
Andhisancestor，GovernorWinthrop，wouldprobablyhaveshakenhisheadoverhisdescendant’sdangerousaudacity，ifonemayjudgebythesolemnwayinwhichhementionspoorMrs。Hutchinson’sunpleasantexperience，whichsogrievouslydisappointedhermaternalexpectations。Butpeopleusedalwaystobeterriblyfrightenedbythoseirregularvitalproductswhichwenowcallinterestingspecimensandcarefullypreserveinjarsofalcohol。Ittooknexttonothingtomakeapanic。achildwasbornafewcenturiesagowithsixteethinitshead，andaboutthattimetheTurksbegangaininggreatadvantagesovertheChristians。Ofcoursetherewasanintimateconnectionbetweentheprodigyandthecalamity。Sosaidthewisemenofthatday——
Alltheseout-of-the-waycasesarestudiedconnectedlynow，andarefoundtoobeyveryexactrules。Withalittlemanagementonecanevenmanufacturelivingmonstrosities。Malformedsalmonandotherfishcanbesuppliedinquantity，ifanybodyhappenstowantthem。
Now，whatallIhavesaidistendingtoisexactlythis，namely，thatjustasthecelestialmovementsareregulatedbyfixedlaws，justasbodilymonstrositiesareproducedaccordingtorule，andwithasgoodreasonasnormalshapes，soobliquitiesofcharacteraretobeaccountedforonperfectlynaturalprinciples。theyarejustascapableofclassificationasthebodilyones，andtheyalldivergefromacertainaverageormiddletermwhichisthetypeofitskind。
IflifehadbeenalittlelongerIwouldhavewrittenanumberofessaysforwhich，asitis，Icannotexpecttohavetime。Ihavesetdownthetitlesofahundredormore，andIhaveoftenbeentemptedtopublishthese，foraccordingtomyidea，thetitleofabookveryoftenrenderstherestofitunnecessary。MoralTeratology，forinstance，whichismarkedNo。67onmylistofEssaysPotential，notActual，suggestssufficientlywellwhatIshouldbeliketosayinthepagesitwouldpreface。Peopleholduptheirhandsatamoralmonsterasiftherewasnoreasonforhisexistencebuthisownchoice。Thatwasafinespecimenwereadofinthepapersafewyearsago，theFrenchman，itmayberemembered，whousedtowaylayandmurderyoungwomen，andafterappropriatingtheireffects，burytheirbodiesinaprivatecemeteryhekeptforthatpurpose。Itisverynatural，andIdonotsayitisnotveryproper，tohangsucheccentricpersonsasthis。butitisnotclearwhetherhisvagariesproduceanymoresensationatHeadquartersthanthemeekenterprisesofthemildestofcitymissionaries。ForthestudyofMoralTeratologywillteachyouthatyoudonotgetsuchamalformedcharacterasthatwithoutalongchainofcausestoaccountforit。
andifyouonlyknewthosecauses，youwouldknowperfectlywellwhattoexpect。
Youmayfeelprettysurethatourfriendoftheprivatecemeterywasnotthechildofpiousandintelligentparents。thathewasnotnurturedbythebestofmothers，andeducatedbythemostjudiciousteachers。andthathedidnotcomeofalineagelongknownandhonoredforitsintellectualandmoralqualities。Supposethatoneshouldgototheworstquarterofthecityandpickouttheworst-
lookingchildoftheworstcouplehecouldfind，andthentrainhimupsuccessivelyattheSchoolforInfantRogues，theAcademyforYoungScamps，andtheCollegeforCompleteCriminalEducation，woulditbereasonabletoexpectaFrancoisXavieroraHenryMartyntobetheresultofsuchatraining？Thetraditionists，inwhosepresumptuoushandsthescienceofanthropologyhasbeentrustedfromtimeimmemorial，haveinsistedoneliminatingcauseandeffectfromthedomainofmorals。Whentheyhavecomeacrossamoralmonstertheyhaveseemedtothinkthatheputhimselftogether，havingafreechoiceofalltheconstituentswhichmakeupmanhood，andthatconsequentlynopunishmentcouldbetoobadforhim。
Isay，hanghimandwelcome，ifthatisthebestthingforsociety。
hatehim，inacertainsense，asyouhatearattlesnake，but，ifyoupretendtobeaphilosopher，recognizethefactthatwhatyouhateinhimischieflymisfortune，andthatifyouhadbeenbornwithhisvillanouslowforeheadandpoisonedinstincts，andbredamongcreaturesoftheRacesMauditeswhosenaturalhistoryhastobestudiedlikethatofbeastsofpreyandvermin，youwouldnothavebeensittingthereinyourgold-bowedspectaclesandpassingjudgmentonthepeccadilloesofyourfellow-creatures。
Ihaveseenmenandwomensodisinterestedandnoble，anddevotedtothebestworks，thatitappearedtomeifanygoodandfaithfulservantwasentitledtoenterintothejoysofhisLord，suchasthesemightbe。ButIdonotknowthatIevermetwithahumanbeingwhoseemedtometohaveastrongerclaimonthepityingconsiderationandkindnessofhisMakerthanawretched，puny，crippled，stuntedchildthatIsawinNewgate，whowaspointedoutasoneofthemostnotoriousandinveteratelittlethievesinLondon。I
havenodoubtthatsomeofthosewhowerelookingatthispitiablemorbidsecretionofthediseasedsocialorganismthoughttheywereveryvirtuousforhatinghimsoheartily。
Itisnatural，andinonesenseisallrightenough。Iwanttocatchathiefandputtheextinguisheronanincendiaryasmuchasmyneighborsdo。butIhavetwosidestomyconsciousnessasIhavetwosidestomyheart，onecarryingdark，impureblood，andtheotherthebrightstreamwhichhasbeenpurifiedandvivifiedbythegreatsourceoflifeanddeath，——theoxygenoftheairwhichgivesallthingstheirvitalheat，andburnsallthingsatlasttoashes。
Onesideofmelovesandhates。theothersideofmejudges，sayratherpleadsandsuspendsjudgment。Ithink，ifIwerelefttomyself，Ishouldhangarogueandthenwritehisapologyandsubscribetoaneatmonument，commemorating，nothisvirtues，buthismisfortunes。Ishould，perhaps，adornthemarblewithemblems，asisthecustomwithregardtothemoreregularandnormallyconstitutedmembersofsociety。Itwouldnotbepropertoputtheimageofalambuponthestonewhichmarkedtheresting-placeofhimoftheprivatecemetery。ButIwouldnothesitatetoplacetheeffigyofawolforahyenauponthemonument。Idonotjudgetheseanimals，I
onlykillthemorshutthemup。IpresumetheystandjustaswellwiththeirMakeraslambsandkids，andtheexistenceofsuchbeingsisaperpetualpleaforGodAlmighty’spoor，yelling，scalpingIndians，hisweasand-stoppingThugs，hisdespisedfelons，hismurderingmiscreants，andalltheunfortunateswhomwe，pickedindividualsofapickedclassofapickedrace，scrubbed，combed，andcatechizedfromourcradlesupward，undertaketofindaccommodationsforinanotherstateofbeingwhereitistobehopedtheywillhaveabetterchancethantheyhadinthis。
TheMasterpaused，andtookoffhisgreatroundspectacles。IcouldnothelpthinkingthathelookedbenevolentenoughtopardonJudasIscariotjustatthatmoment，thoughhisfeaturescanknotthemselvesuppretty，formidablyonoccasion——
Youaresomewhatofaphrenologist，Ijudge，bythewayyoutalkofinstinctiveandinheritedtendencies——Isaid——
TheytellmeIoughttobe，——heanswered，parryingmyquestion，asIthought——Ihavehadafamouschartmadeoutofmycerebralorgans，accordingtowhichIoughttohavebeen——somethingmorethanapoorMagisterArtaum——
Ithoughtashadeofregretdeepenedthelinesonhisbroad，antique-lookingforehead，andIbegantalkingaboutallthesightsI
hadseeninthewayofmonstrosities，ofwhichIhadaconsiderablelist，asyouwillseewhenItellyoumyweaknessinthatdirection。
This，youunderstand，Beloved，isprivateandconfidential。
Ipaymyquarterofadollarandgointoalltheside-showsthatfollowthecaravansandcircusesroundthecountry。Ihavemadefriendsofallthegiantsandallthedwarfs。IbecameacquaintedwithMonsieurBihin，leplusbelhommedumonde，andoneofthebiggest，agreatmanyyearsago，andhavekeptupmyagreeablerelationswithhimeversince。Heisamostinterestinggiant，withasoftnessofvoiceandtendernessoffeelingwhichIfindveryengaging。IwasonfriendlytermswithMr。CharlesFreeman，averysuperiorgiantofAmericanbirth，sevenfeetfour，Ithink，inheight，double-jointed，ofmylodonmuscularity，thesamewhoinaBritishprize-ringtossedtheTiptonSlasherfromonesideoftheropetotheother，andnowliesstretched，poorfellow！inamightygraveinthesamesoilwhichholdsthesacredashesofCribb，andthehonoreddustofBurke，——nottheonecommonlycalledthesublime，
butthatotherBurketowhomNaturehaddeniedthesenseofhearinglestheshouldbespoiledbylisteningtothepraisesoftheadmiringcircleswhichlookedonhisdear-boughttriumphs。NorhaveI
despisedthoselittleoneswhomthatdevoutworshipperofNatureinherexceptionalforms，thedistinguishedBarnum，hasintroducedtothenoticeofmankind。TheGeneraltoucheshischapeautome，andtheCommodoregivesmeasailor’sgreeting。Ihavehadconfidentialinterviewswiththedouble-headeddaughterofAfrica，——sofar，atleast，ashertwofoldpersonalityadmittedofprivateconfidences。I
havelistenedtothetouchingexperiencesoftheBeardedLady，whoseroughcheeksbeliehersusceptibleheart。MissJaneCampbellhasallowedmetoquestionheronthedelicatesubjectofavoirdupoisequivalents。andthearmlessfairone，whoseembracenomonarchcouldhopetowin，haswroughtmeawatch-paperwiththosedespiseddigitswhichhavebeendegradedfromglovestobootsinourevolutionfromtheconditionofquadrumana。
Ihopeyouhavereadmyexperiencesasgood-naturedlyastheoldMasterlistenedtothem。Heseemedtobepleasedwithmywhim，andpromisedtogowithmetoseealltheside-showsofthenextcaravan。
BeforeIlefthimhewrotemynameinacopyoftheneweditionofhisbook，tellingmethatitwouldnotallbenewtomebyagreatdeal，forheoftentalkedwhathehadprintedtomakeupforhavingprintedagooddealofwhathehadtalked。
HereisthepassageofhisPoemtheYoungAstronomerreadtous。
WIND-CLOUDSANDSTAR-DRIFTS。
IV
>FrommyloneturretasIlookaroundO’erthegreenmeadowstotheringofblue，>Fromslope，fromsummit，andfromhalf-hidvaleTheskyisstabbedwithdagger-pointedspires，Theirgildedsymbolswhirlinginthewind，Theirbrazentonguesproclaimingtotheworld，Heretruthissold，theonlygenuineware。
Seethatithasourtrade-mark！
YouwillbuyPoisoninsteadoffoodacrosstheway，Theliesof——thisorthat，eachseveralnameThestandard’sblazonandthebattle-cryOfsometrue-gospelfaction，andagainThetokenoftheBeasttoallbeside。
AndgroupedroundeachIseeahuddlingcrowdAlikeinallthingssavethewordstheyuse。
Inlove，inlonging，hateandfearthesame。
Whomdowetrustandserve？WespeakofoneAndbowtomany。AthensstillwouldfindTheshrinesofallsheworshippedsafewithinOurtallbarbariantemples，andthethronesThatcrownedOlympusmightyasofold。
ThegodofmusicrulestheSabbathchoir。
ThelyricmusemustleavethesacrednineTohelpuspleasethedilettante’sear。
Plutuslimpshomewardwithus，asweleaveTheportalsofthetemplewherewekneltAndlistenedwhilethegodofeloquenceHermesofancientdays，butnowdisguisedInsablevestmentswiththatothergodSomnus，thesonofErebusandNog，Fightsinunequalcontestforoursouls。
ThedreadfulsovereignoftheunderworldStillshakeshissceptreatus，andwehearThebayingofthetriple-throatedhound。
Eros-isyoungasever，andasfairThelovelyGoddessbornofocean’sfoam。
Thesebethygods，OIsrael！Whoishe，Theoneyenameandtellusthatyeserve，WhomyewouldcallmefrommylonelytowerToworshipwiththemany-headedthrong？
IsittheGodthatwalkedinEden’sgroveInthecoolhourtoseekourguiltysire？
TheGodwhodealtwithAbrahamasthesonsOfthatoldpatriarchdealwithothermen？
ThejealousGodofMoses，onewhofeelsAnimageasaninsult，andiswrothWithhimwhomadeitandhischildunborn？
TheGodwhoplaguedhispeopleforthesinOftheiradulterousking，belovedofhim，ThesamewhoofferstoachosenfewTherighttopraisehimineternalsongWhileavastshriekingworldofendlesswoeBlendsitsdreadchoruswiththeirrapturoushymn？
IsthistheGodyemean，orisitheWhoheedsthesparrow’sfall，whoselovingheartIsasthepityingfather’stohischild，Whoselessontohischildrenis，Forgive，
Whosepleaforall，Theyknownotwhattheydo
IclaimtherightofknowingwhomIserve，Elseismyserviceidle。HethatasksMyhomageasksitfromareasoningsoul。
Tocrawlisnottoworship。wehavelearnedAdrillofeyelids，bendedneckandknee，Hangingourprayersonbinges，tillweapeTheflexuresofthemany-jointedworm。
AsiahastaughtherAliabsandsalaamsTotheworld’schildren，——wehavegrowntomen！
WewhohaverolledthespherebeneathourfeetTofindavirginforest，aswelayThebeamsofourrudetemple，firstofallMustframeitsdoorwayhighenoughformanTopassunstooping。knowingaswedoThatHewhoshapeduslastoflivingformsHaslongenoughbeenservedbycreepingthings，Reptilesthatlefttheirfoot-printsinthesandOfoldsea-marginsthathaveturnedtostone，Andmenwholearnedtheirritual。wedemandToknowhimfirst，thentrusthimandthenloveWhenwehavefoundhimworthyofourlove，Triedbyourownpoorheartsandnotbefore。
Hemustbetruerthanthetruestfriend，Hemustbetendererthanawoman’slove，Afatherbetterthanthebestofsires。
Kinderthanshewhoboreus，thoughwesinOftenerthandidthebrotherwearetold，We-poorill-temperedmortals-mustforgive，Thoughseventimessinningthreescoretimesandten。
Thisisthenewworld’sgospel：Beyemen！
Trywellthelegendsofthechildren’stime。
Yearethechosenpeople，GodhasledYourstepsacrossthedesertofthedeepAsnowacrossthedesertoftheshore。
MountainsarecleftbeforeyouastheseaBeforethewanderingtribeofIsrael’ssons。
Stillonwardrollsthethunderouscaravan，Itscomingprintedonthewesternsky，Acloudbyday，bynightapillaredflame。
YourprophetsareahundreduntooneOfthemofoldwhocried，ThussaiththeLord。
Theytoldofcitiesthatshouldfallinheaps，ButyoursofmightiercitiesthatshallriseWhereyetthelonelyfishersspreadtheirnets，Wherehidesthefoxandhootsthemidnightowl。
ThetreeofknowledgeinyourgardengrowsNotsingle，butateveryhumbledoor。
Itsbrancheslendyoutheirimmortalfood，Thatfillsyouwiththesenseofwhatyeare，Noservantsofanaltarhewedandcarved>Fromsenselessstonebycraftofhumanhands，Rabbi，ordervish，Brahmin，bishop，bonze，ButmastersofthecharmwithwhichtheyworkTokeepyourhandsfromthatforbiddentree！
Yethathavetastedthatdivinestfruit，Lookonthisworldofyourswithopenedeyes！
Yeareasgods！Nay，makersofyourgods，EachdayyebreakanimageinyourshrineAndplantafairerimagewhereitstoodWhereistheMolochofyourfathers’creed，Whosefiresoftormentburnedforspan-longbabes？
Fitobjectforatendermother’slove！
Whynot？ItwasabargaindulymadeForthesesameinfantsthroughthesurety’sactIntrustedwiththeirallforearthandheaven，ByHimwhochosetheirguardian，knowingwellHisfitnessforthetask，——this，eventhis，WasthetruedoctrineonlyyesterdayAsthoughtsarereckoned，——andto-dayyouhearInwordsthatsoundasiffromhumantonguesThosemonstrous，uncouthhorrorsofthepastThatblottheblueofheavenandshametheearthAswouldthesauriansoftheageofslime，AwakingfromtheirstonysepulchresAndwallowinghatefulintheeyeofday！
Fourofuslistenedtotheselinesastheyoungmanreadthem，——theMasterandmyselfandourtwoladies。Thiswasthelittlepartywegotuptohearhimread。IdonotthinkmuchofitwasverynewtotheMasterormyself。Atanyrate，hesaidtomewhenwewerealone，Thatisthekindoftalkthenaturalman，asthetheologianscallhim，isapttofallinto——
IthoughtitwastheApostlePaul，andnotthetheologians，thatusedthetermnaturalman，Iventuredtosuggest——
IshouldliketoknowwheretheApostlePaullearnedEnglish？——saidtheMaster，withthelookofonewhodoesnotmeantobetrippedupifhecanhelphimself——Butatanyrate，——hecontinued，——thenaturalman，socalled，isworthlisteningtonowandthen，forhedidn’tmakehisnature，andtheDevildidn’tmakeit。andiftheAlmightymadeit，Ineversaworheardofanythinghemadethatwasn’tworthattendingto。
TheyoungmanbeggedtheLadytopardonanythingthatmightsoundharshlyinthesecrudethoughtsofhis。Hehadbeentaughtstrangethings，hesaid，fromoldtheologies，whenhewasachild，andhadthoughthiswayoutofmanyofhisearlysuperstitions。AsfortheYoungGirl，ourScheherezade，hesaidtoherthatshemusthavegotdreadfullytiredatwhichshecoloredupandsaiditwasnosuchthing，andhepromisedthat，topayforhergoodnessinlistening，hewouldgiveheralessoninastronomythenextfairevening，ifshewouldbehisscholar，atwhichsheblusheddeeperthanbefore，andsaidsomethingwhichcertainlywasnotNo。
IX
Therewasnosooneravacancyonoursideofthetable，thantheMasterproposedachangeofseatswhichwouldbringtheYoungAstronomerintoourimmediateneighborhood。TheScarabeewastomoveintotheplaceofourlateunlamentedassociate，theManofLetters，socalled。Iwastotakehisplace，theMastertotakemine，andtheyoungmanthatwhichhadbeenoccupiedbytheMaster。Theadvantagesofthischangewereobvious。TheoldMasterlikesanaudience，plainlyenough。andwithmyselfononesideofhim，andtheyoungstudentofscience，whosespeculativeturnissufficientlyshowninthepassagesfromhispoem，ontheotherside，hemayfeelquitesureofbeinglistenedto。Thereisonlyonetroubleinthearrangement，andthatisthatitbringsthisyoungmannotonlyclosetous，butalsonexttoourScheherezade。
IamobligedtoconfessthathehasshownoccasionalmarksofinattentionevenwhiletheMasterwasdiscoursinginawaythatI
foundagreeableenough。IamquitesureitisnointentionaldisrespecttotheoldMaster。ItseemstomeratherthathehasbecomeinterestedintheastronomicallessonshehasbeengivingtheYoungGirl。Hehasstudiedsomuchalone，thatitisnaturallyapleasuretohimtoimpartsomeofhisknowledge。Asforhisyoungpupil，shehasoftenthoughtofbeingateacherherself，sothatsheisofcourseverygladtoacquireanyaccomplishmentthatmaybeusefultoherinthatcapacity。Idonotseeanyreasonwhysomeoftheboardersshouldhavemadesuchremarksastheyhavedone。Onecannotteachastronomytoadvantage，withoutgoingoutofdoors，thoughIconfessthatwhentwoyoungpeoplegooutbydaylighttostudythestars，astheseyoungfolkshavedoneonceortwice，Idonotsomuchwonderataremarkorsuggestionfromthosewhohavenothingbettertodothanstudytheirneighbors。
IoughttohavetoldthereaderbeforethisthatIfound，asI
suspected，thatourinnocent-lookingScheherezadewasatthebottomofthepopgunbusiness。Iwatchedherveryclosely，andoneday，whenthelittlemonkeymadeusalllaughbystoppingtheMemberoftheHaouseinthemiddleofaspeechhewasrepeatingtous，——itwashisgreateffortoftheseasononabillfortheprotectionofhorn-
poutinLittleMuddyRiver，——Icaughthermakingthesignsthatsethimgoing。Ataslighttapofherknifeagainstherplate，hegotallready，andpresentlyIsawhercrossherknifeandforkuponherplate，andasshedidso，pop！wentthesmallpieceofartillery。
TheMemberoftheHaousewasjustsayingthatthisbillhithisconstitooentsintheirmostvital——whenapellethithiminthefeatureofhiscountenancemostexposedtoaggressionsandleasttolerantofliberties。TheMemberresentedthisunparliamentarytreatmentbyjumpingupfromhischairandgivingthesmallaggressoragoodshaking，atthesametimeseizingtheimplementwhichhadcausedhiswrathandbreakingitintosplinters。TheBoyblubbered，theYoungGirlchangedcolor，andlookedasifshewouldcry，andthatwasthelastoftheseinterruptions。
ImustownthatIhavesometimeswishedwehadthepopgunback，foritansweredallthepurposeofthepreviousquestioninadeliberativeassembly。NodoubttheYoungGirlwascapriciousinsettingthelittleengineatwork，butshecutshortagoodmanydisquisitionsthatthreatenedtobetedious。Ifindmyselfoftenwishingforherandhersmallfellow-conspirator’sintervention，incompanywhereIamsupposedtobeenjoyingmyself。Whenmyfriendthepoliticiangetstoofarintothepersonaldetailsofthequorumparsmagnafui，Ifindmyselfallatonceexclaiminginmentalarticulation，Popgun！Whenmyfriendthestory-tellerbeginsthatprotractednarrativewhichhasoftenemptiedmeofallmyvoluntarylaughterfortheevening，hehasgotbutaverylittlewaywhenIsaytomyself，Whatwouldn’tIgiveforapelletfromthatpopgun！Inshort，sousefulhasthattrivialimplementprovedasajaw-stopperandaboricide，thatInevergotoacluboradinner-party，withoutwishingthecompanyincludedourScheherezadeandThatBoywithhispopgun。
HowclearlyIseenowintothemechanismoftheYoungGirl’saudaciouscontrivanceforregulatingourtable-talk！Herbrainistiredhalfthetime，andsheistoonervoustolistenpatientlytowhataquieterpersonwouldlikewellenough，oratleastwouldnotbeannoyedby。Itamusedhertoinventaschemeformanagingtheheadstrongtalkers，andalsoletoffacertainspiritofmischiefwhichinsomeofthesenervousgirlsshowsitselfinmuchmorequestionableforms。Howcunningthesehalf-hystericyoungpersonsare，tobesure！IhadtowatchalongtimebeforeIdetectedthetelegraphiccommunicationbetweenthetwoconspirators。Ihavenodoubtshehadsedulouslyschooledthelittlemonkeytohisbusiness，andfoundgreatdelightinthetaskofinstruction。
ButnowthatourScheherezadehasbecomeascholarinsteadofateacher，sheseemstobeundergoingaremarkabletransformation。
Astronomyisindeedanoblescience。Itmaywellkindletheenthusiasmofayouthfulnature。IfancyattimesthatIseesomethingofthatstarrylightwhichInoticedintheyoungman’seyesgraduallykindlinginhers。Butcanitbeastronomyalonethatdoesit？HercolorcomesandgoesmorereadilythanwhentheoldMastersatnextherontheleft。Itishavingthisyoungmanatherside，Isuppose。Ofcourseitis。Iwatchherwithgreat，Imaysaytenderinterest。Ifhewouldonlyfallinlovewithher，seizeuponherwanderingaffectionsandfanciesastheRomansseizedtheSabinevirgins，liftheroutofherselfandherlistlessandwearydrudgeries，stoptheoutflowofthisyounglifewhichisdrainingitselfawayinforcedliterarylabor——dearme，dearme——if，if，ifIfIwereGodAn’yewereMartinElginbrod！
Iamafraidallthismayneverbe。Ifearthatheistoomuchgiventolonelystudy，toself-companionship，toallsortsofquestionings，tolookingatlifeasatasolemnshowwhereheisonlyaspectator。
IdarenotbuilduparomanceonwhatIhaveyetseen。Myreadermay，butIwillanswerfornothing。Ishallwaitandsee。
TheoldMasterandIhaveatlastmadethatvisittotheScarabeewhichwehadsolongpromisedourselves。
Whenweknockedathisdoorhecameandopenedit，insteadofsaying，Comein。Hewassurprised，Ihavenodoubt，atthesoundofourfootsteps。forherarelyhasavisitor，exceptthelittlemonkeyofaboy，andhemayhavethoughtatroopofmarauderswerecomingtorobhimofhistreasures。Collectorsfeelsorichinthepossessionoftheirrarerspecimens，thattheyforgethowcheaptheirpreciousthingsseemtocommoneyes，andareasafraidofbeingrobbedasiftheyweredealersindiamonds。Theyhavethenameofstealingfromeachothernowandthen，itistrue，butmanyoftheirpricelesspossessionswouldhardlytemptabeggar。Valuesareartificial：youwillnotbeabletogettencentsoftheyear1799foradime。
TheScarabeewasreassuredassoonashesawourfaces，andhewelcomedusnotungraciouslyintohissmallapartment。Itwashardtofindaplacetositdown，forallthechairswerealreadyoccupiedbycasesandboxesfullofhisfavorites。Ibegan，therefore，lookingroundtheroom。Bugsofeverysizeandaspectmetmyeyeswherevertheyturned。IfeltforthemomentasIsupposeamanmayfeelinafitofdeliriumtremens。Presentlymyattentionwasdrawntowardsaveryodd-lookinginsectonthemantelpiece。Thisanimalwasincessantlyraisingitsarmsasiftowardsheavenandclaspingthemtogether，asthoughitwerewrestlinginprayer。
Dolookatthiscreature，——IsaidtotheMaster，heseemstobeveryhardatworkathisdevotions。
Mantasreligiosa，——saidtheMaster，——Iknowtheprayingrogue。
Mightydevoutandmightycruel。crusheseverythinghecanmaster，orimpalesitonhisspinyshanksandfeedsuponit，likeagluttonouswretchasheis。IhaveseentheMantisreligiosaonalargerscalethanthis，nowandthen。Asacredinsect，sir，——sacredtomanytribesofmen。totheHottentots，totheTurks，yes，sir，andtotheFrenchmen，whocalltherascalpriedieu，andbelievehimtohavespecialchargeofchildrenthathavelosttheirway。
Doesn’titseemasiftherewasaveinofsatireaswellasoffunthatranthroughthesolemnmanifestationsofcreativewisdom？Andofdeceptiontoo——doyouseehownearlythosedriedleavesresembleaninsect？
Theydo，indeed，——Ianswered，——butnotsocloselyastodeceiveme。
Theyremindmeofaninsect，butIcouldnotmistakethemforone——
Oh，youcouldn’tmistakethosedriedleavesforaninsect，hey？
Well，howcanyoumistakethatinsectfordriedleaves？Thatisthequestion。forinsectitis，——phyllumsiccifolium，thewalkingleaf，
assomehavecalledit——TheMasterhadaheartylaughatmyexpense。
TheScarabeedidnotseemtobeamusedattheMaster’sremarksoratmyblunder。Scienceisalwaysperfectlyserioustohim。andhewouldnomorelaughoveranythingconnectedwithhisstudy，thanaclergymanwouldlaughatafuneral。
Theysendmeallsortsoftrumpery，——hesaid，OrthopteraandLepidoptera。asifacoleopterist——ascarabeeist——caredforsuchthings。Thisbusinessisnoboy’splaytome。Theinsectpopulationoftheworldisnotevencataloguedyet，andalifetimegiventothescarabeesisasmallcontributionenoughtotheirstudy。Ilikeyourmenofgeneralintelligencewellenough，——yourLinnwusesandyourBuffonsandyourCuviers。butCuvierhadtogotoLatreilleforhisinsects，andifLatreillehadbeenabletoconsultme，——yes，me，gentlemen！——hewouldn’thavemadetheblundershedidaboutsomeofthecoleoptera。
TheoldMaster，asIthinkyoumusthavefoundoutbythistime，——
you，Beloved，Imean，whoreadeveryword，——hasareasonablygoodopinion，asperhapshehasarighttohave，ofhisownintelligenceandacquirements。TheScarabee’sexultationandglowashespokeoftheerrorsofthegreatentomologistwhichhehimselfcouldhavecorrected，hadtheeffectontheoldMasterwhichalustycrowhasuponthefeatheredchampionoftheneighboringbarnyard。Hetooknewsomethingaboutinsects。Hadhenotdiscovereda，newtabanus？HadhenotmadepreparationsoftheverycoleopteratheScarabeestudiedsoexclusively，——preparationswhichtheillustriousSwammerdamwouldnothavebeenashamedof，anddissectedamelolonthaasexquisitelyasStraussDurckheimhimselfeverdidit？SotheMaster，recallingthesestudiesofhisandcertaindifficultanddisputedpointsatwhichhehadlaboredinoneofhisentomologicalparoxysms，putaquestionwhichtherecanbelittledoubtwasintendedtopuzzletheScarabee，andperhaps，——forthebestofusishumanIambeginningtolovetheoldMaster，buthehashislittleweaknesses，thankHeaven，liketherestofus，——Isayperhaps，wasmeanttoshowthatsomefolksknewasmuchaboutsomethingsassomeotherfolks。
Thelittledried-upspecialistdidnotdilateintofightingdimensionsas——perhaps，again——theMastermayhavethoughthewould。
Helookedamildsurprise，butremainedasquietasoneofhisownbeetleswhenyoutouchhimandhemakesbelieveheisdead。Theblanksilencebecameoppressive。WastheScarabeecrushed，assomanyofhisnamesakesarecrushed，undertheheelofthistramplingomniscient？
AtlasttheScarabeecreakedoutveryslowly，DidIunderstandyoutoaskthefollowingquestion，towit？andsoforth。forIwasquiteoutofmydepth，andonlyknowthatherepeatedtheMaster’ssomewhatcomplexinquiry，wordforword——
Thatwasexactlymyquestion，——saidtheMaster，——andIhopeitisnotunciviltoaskonewhichseemstometobeapuzzler。
Notuncivilintheleast，——saidtheScarabee，withsomethingasmuchlikealookoftriumphashisdryfacepermitted，——notuncivilatall，butaratherextraordinaryquestiontoaskatthisdateofentomologicalhistory。Isettledthatquestionsomeyearsago，byaseriesofdissections，six-and-thirtyinnumber，reportedinanessayIcanshowyouandwouldgiveyouacopyof，butthatIamalittlerestrictedinmyrevenue，andourSocietyhastobeeconomical，soI
havebutthisone。Yousee，sir，——andhewentonwithelytraandantennaeandtarsiandmetatarsiandtracheaeandstomataandwing-
musclesandleg-musclesandganglions，——allplainenough，Idonotdoubt，tothoseaccustomedtohandlingdor-bugsandsquash-bugsandsuchundesirableobjectsofaffectiontoallbutnaturalists。
Hepausedwhenhegotthrough，notforananswer，forthereevidentlywasnone，buttoseehowtheMasterwouldtakeit。TheScarabeehadhaditallhisownway。
TheMasterwasloyaltohisowngenerousnature。Hefeltasapeacefulcitizenmightfeelwhohadsquaredoffatastrangerforsomesupposedwrong，andsuddenlydiscoveredthathewasundertakingtochastiseMr。DickCurtis，thepetoftheFancy，orMr。JoshuaHudson。theJohnBullfighter。
Hefelttheabsurdityofhisdiscomfiture，forheturnedtomegood-
naturedly，andsaid，PoorJohnnyRaw！WhatmadnesscouldimpelSorumaflattofacesoprimeaswell？
Totellthetruth，IratherthinktheMasterenjoyedhisowndefeat。
TheScarabeehadarighttohisvictory。amandoesnotgivehislifetothestudyofasinglelimitedsubjectfornothing，andthemomentwecomeacrossafirst-classexpertwebegintotakeaprideinhissuperiority。Itcannotoffendus，whohavenorightatalltobehismatchonhisownground。Besides，thereisaverycurioussenseofsatisfactioningettingafairchancetosneeratourselvesandscoffatourownpretensions。Thefirstpersonofourdualconsciousnesshasbeensmirkingandrubbinghishandsandfelicitatinghimselfonhisinnumerablesuperiorities，untilwehavegrownalittletiredofhim。Then，whentheotherfellow，thecritic，thecynic，theShimei，whohasbeenquiet，lettingself-loveandself-glorificationhavetheirperfectwork，opensfireuponthefirsthalfofourpersonalityandoverwhelmsitwiththatwonderfulvocabularyofabuseofwhichheistheunrivalledmaster，thereisnodenyingthatheenjoysitimmensely。andasheisourselfforthemoment，oratleastthechiefportionofourselftheotherhalf-selfretiringintoadimcornerofsemiconsciousnessandcoweringunderthestormofsneersandcontumely，——youfollowmeperfectly，Beloved，——thewayisasplainasthepathofthebabetothematernalfount，as，Isay，theabusivefellowisthechiefpartofusforthetime，andhelikestoexercisehisslanderousvocabulary，weonthewholeenjoyabriefseasonofself-depreciationandself-scoldingveryheartily。
Itisquitecertainthatbothofus，theMasterandmyself，conceivedontheinstantarespectfortheScarabeewhichwehadnotbeforefelt。Hehadgrappledwithonedifficultyatanyrateandmasteredit。Hehadsettledonething，atleast，soitappeared，insuchawaythatitwasnottobebroughtupagain。Andnowhewasdetermined，ifitcosthimtheeffortofallhisremainingdays，tocloseanotherdiscussionandputforevertoresttheanxiousdoubtsaboutthelarvaofmeloe——
Yourthirty-sixdissectionsmusthavecostyouadealoftimeandlabor，——theMastersaid——
WhathaveItodowithtime，buttofillitupwithlabor？——
answeredtheScarabee——Itismymeatanddrinktoworkovermybeetles。MyholidaysarewhenIgetararespecimen。Myrestistowatchthehabitsofinsects，thosethatIdonotpretendtostudy。
Hereismymuscarium，myhomeforhouse-flies。veryinterestingcreatures。heretheybreedandbuzzandfeedandenjoythemselves，anddieinagoodoldageofafewmonths。Myfavoriteinsectlivesinthisothercase。sheisathome，butinherprivate-chamber。youshallseeher。
Hetappedontheglasslightly，andalarge，gray，hairyspidercameforthfromthehollowofafunnel-likeweb——
Andthisisallthefriendyouhavetolove？saidtheMaster，withatendernessinhisvoicewhichmadethequestionverysignificant——
Nothingelselovesmebetterthanshedoes，thatIknowof，——heanswered——
Tothinkofit！Notevenadogtolickhishand，oracattopurrandrubherfuragainsthim！Oh，theseboarding-houses，theseboarding-houses！Whatforlornpeopleoneseesstrandedontheirdesolateshores！Decayedgentlewomenwiththepoorwrecksofwhatoncemadetheirhouseholdsbeautiful，disposedaroundtheminnarrowchambersastheybestmaybe，comingdowndayafterday，poorsouls！
tositattheboardwithstrangers。theirheartsfullofsadmemorieswhichhavenolanguagebutasigh，norecordbutthelinesofsorrowontheirfeatures。orphans，creatureswithgrowingtendrilsandnothingtoclingto。lonelyrichmen，castingaboutthemwhattodowiththewealththeyneverknewhowtoenjoy，whentheyshallnolongerworryoverkeepingandincreasingit。youngmenandyoungwomen，lefttotheirinstincts，unguarded，unwatched，savebymaliciouseyes，whicharesuretobefoundandtofindoccupationinthesemiscellaneouscollectionsofhumanbeings。andnowandthenashredofhumanitylikethislittleadustspecialist，withjusttheresourcesneededtokeeptheradicalmoisturefromentirelyexhalingfromhisattenuatedorganism，andbusyinghimselfoverapointofscience，orcompilingahymn-book，oreditingagrammaroradictionary——sucharethetenantsofboarding-houseswhomwecannotthinkofwithoutfeelinghowsaditiswhenthewindisnottemperedtotheshornlamb。whenthesolitary，whoseheartsareshrivelling，arenotsetinfamilies！
TheMasterwasgreatlyinterestedintheScarabee’sMuscarium——
Idon’tremember，——hesaid，——thatIhaveheardofsuchathingasthatbefore。Mightycuriouscreatures，thesesamehouse-flies！Talkaboutmiracles！Wasthereeveranythingmoremiraculous，sofarasourcommonobservationgoes，thanthecomingandthegoingofthesecreatures？Whydidn’tJobaskwherethefliescomefromandwheretheygoto？IdidnotsaythatyouandIdon’tknow，buthowmanypeopledoknowanythingaboutit？Wherearethecradlesoftheyoungflies？Wherearethecemeteriesofthedeadones，ordotheydieatallexceptwhenwekillthem？Youthinkallthefliesoftheyeararedeadandgone，andtherecomesawarmdayandallatoncethereisageneralresurrectionof’em。theyhadbeentakinganap，thatisall——
IsupposeyoudonottrustyourspiderintheMuscarium？——saidI，addressingtheScarabee——
Notexactly，——heanswered，——sheisaterriblecreature。Shelovesme，Ithink，butsheisakillerandacannibalamongotherinsects。
Iwantedtopairherwithamalespider，butitwouldn’tdo-
Wouldn’tdo？——saidI，——whynot？Don’tspidershavetheirmatesaswellasotherfolks？-
Ohyes，sometimes。butthefemalesareapttobeparticular，andiftheydon’tlikethemateyouofferthemtheyfalluponhimandkillhimandeathimup。Youseetheyareagreatdealbiggerandstrongerthanthemales，andtheyarealwayshungryandnotalwaysparticularlyanxioustohaveoneoftheothersexbotheringround——
Woman’srights！——saidI，——thereyouhaveit！Whydon’tthosetalkingladiestakeaspiderastheiremblem？Letthemformarachnoidassociations，spinstersandspiderswouldbeagoodmotto——
TheMastersmiled。Ithinkitwasaneleemosynarysmile，formypleasantryseemstomeaparticularlybassorilievo，asIlookuponitincoldblood。Butconversationatthebestisonlyathinsprinklingofoccasionalfelicitiessetinplatitudesandcommonplaces。IneverheardpeopletalklikethecharactersintheSchoolforScandal，——Ishouldverymuchliketo——IsaytheMastersmiled。ButtheScarabeedidnotrelaxamuscleofhiscountenance——
Therearepersonswhomtheverymildestoffaecetiaesetsoffintosuchconvulsionsoflaughter，thatoneisafraidlesttheyshouldinjurethemselves。Evenwhenajestmissesfirecompletely，sothatitisnojestatall，butonlyajocularintention，theylaughjustasheartily。Leaveoutthepointofyourstory，getthewordwrongontheduplicityofwhichthepunthatwastoexcitehilaritydepended，andtheystillhonoryourabortiveattemptwiththemostlustyandvociferousmerriment。
Thereisaveryoppositeclassofpersonswhomanythinginthenatureofajokeperplexes，troubles，andevensometimesirritates，seemingtomakethemthinktheyaretrifledwith，ifnotinsulted。Ifyouarefortunateenoughtosetthewholetablelaughing，oneofthisclassofpersonswilllookinquiringlyround，asifsomethinghadhappened，and，seeingeverybodyapparentlyamusedbuthimself，feelasifhewasbeinglaughedat，oratanyrateasifsomethinghadbeensaidwhichhewasnottohear。Often，however，itdoesnotgosofarasthis，andthereisnothingmorethanmereinsensibilitytothecauseofotherpeople’slaughter，asortofjoke-blindness，comparabletothewell-knowncolor-blindnesswithwhichmanypersonsareafflictedasacongenitalincapacity。
IhaveneverseentheScarabeesmile。Ihaveseenhimtakeoffhisgoggles，——hebreakfastsintheseoccasionally，——Isupposewhenhehasbeentiringhispooroldeyesoutovernightgazingthroughhismicroscope，——Ihaveseenhimtakehisgogglesoff，Isay，andstareabouthim，whentherestofuswerelaughingatsomethingwhichamusedus，buthisfeaturesbetrayednothingmorethanacertainbewilderment，asifwehadbeenforeignerstalkinginanunknowntongue。Idonotthinkitwasamerefancyofminethathebearsakindofresemblancetothetribeofinsectshegiveshislifetostudying。Hisshinyblackcoat。hisroundedback，convexwithyearsofstoopingoverhisminutework。hisangularmovements，madenaturaltohimbyhishabitualstyleofmanipulation。thearidityofhisorganism，withwhichhisvoiceisinperfectkeeping——allthesemarksofhisspecialsedentaryoccupationaresonearlywhatmightbeexpected，andindeedsomuch，inaccordancewiththemoregeneralfactthataman’saspectissubduedtothelookofwhatheworksin，thatIdonotfeeldisposedtoaccusemyselfofexaggerationinmyaccountoftheScarabee’sappearance。ButIthinkhehaslearnedsomethingelseofhiscoleopterousfriends。Thebeetlesneversmile。
Theirphysiognomyisnotadaptedtothedisplayoftheemotions。thelateralmovementoftheirjawsbeingeffectiveforalimentarypurposes，butverylimitedinitsgamutofexpression。ItiswiththeseunemotionalbeingsthattheScarabeepasseshislife。Hehasbutoneobject，andthatisperfectlyserious，tohismind，infact，ofabsorbinginterestandimportance。Inoneaspectofthematterheisquiteright，foriftheCreatorhastakenthetroubletomakeoneofHiscreaturesinjustsuchawayandnototherwise，fromthebeginningofitsexistenceonourplanetinagesofunknownremotenesstothepresenttime，themanwhofirstexplainsHisideatousischargedwitharevelation。Itisbynomeansimpossiblethattheremaybeangelsinthecelestialhierarchytowhomitwouldbenewandinteresting。IhaveoftenthoughtthatspiritsofahigherorderthanmanmightbewillingtolearnsomethingfromahumanmindlikethatofNewton，andIseenoreasonwhyanangelicbeingmightnotbegladtohearalecturefromMr。Huxley，orMr。
Tyndall，oroneofourfriendsatCambridge。
IhavebeensinuousastheLinksofForthseenfromStirlingCastle，orasthatotherriverwhichthreadstheBerkshirevalleyandruns，aperennialstream，throughmymemory，——fromwhichIpleasemyselfwiththinkingthatIhavelearnedtowindwithoutfrettingagainsttheshore，orforgettingcohereIamflowing，——sinuous，Isay，butnotjerky，——no，notjerkynorhardtofollowforareaderoftherightsort，intheprimeoflifeandfullpossessionofhisorherfaculties——
Allthislastpageorso，youreadilyunderstand，hasbeenmyprivatetalkwithyou，theReader。ThecueoftheconversationwhichIinterruptedbythisdigressionistobefoundinthewordsagoodmotto。fromwhichIbeginmyacccountofthevisitagain——
Doyoureceivemanyvisitors，——Imeanvertebrates，notarticulates？——
saidtheMaster。
Ithoughtthisquestionmightperhapsbringildisiatoriso，thelong-wished-forsmile，buttheScarabeeinterpreteditinthesimplestzoologicalsense，andneglecteditshintofplayfulnesswiththemostabsoluteunconsciousness，apparently，ofanythingnotentirelyseriousandliteral——
Youmeanfriends，Isuppose，——heanswered——Ihavecorrespondents，butIhavenofriendsexceptthisspider。Ilivealone，exceptwhenIgotomysubsectionmeetings。Igetaboxofinsectsnowandthen，andsendafewbeetlestocoleopteristsinotherentomologicaldistricts。butscienceisexacting，andamanthatwantstoleavehisrecordhasnotmuchtimeforfriendship。Thereisnogreatchanceeitherformakingfriendsamongnaturalists。Peoplethatareatworkondifferentthingsdonotcareagreatdealforeachother’sspecialties，andpeoplethatworkonthesamethingarealwaysafraidlestoneshouldgetaheadoftheother，orstealsomeofhisideasbeforehehasmadethempublic。Therearenonetoomanypeopleyoucantrustinyourlaboratory。IthoughtIhadafriendonce，buthewatchedmeatworkandstolethediscoveryofanewspeciesfromme，and，whatismore，haditnamedafterhimself。SincethattimeI
havelikedspidersbetterthanmen。Theyarehungryandsavage，butatanyratetheyspintheirownwebsoutoftheirowninsides。I
likeverywelltotalkwithgentlementhatplaywithmybranchofentomology。Idonotdoubtitamusedyou，andifyouwanttoseeanythingIcanshowyou，Ishallhavenoscrupleinlettingyouseeit。Ihaveneverhadanycomplainttomakeofamatoors——
Uponmyhonor，——IwouldholdmyrighthandupandtakemyBible-
oath，ifitwasnotbusywiththepenatthismoment，——IdonotbelievetheScarabeehadtheleastideaintheworldofthesatireonthestudentoftheOrderofThingsimpliedinhisinvitationtotheamatoor。AsfortheMaster，hestoodfireperfectly，ashealwaysdoes。buttheideathathe，whohadworkedaconsiderablepartofseveralseasonsatexaminingandpreparinginsects，whobelievedhimselftohavegivenanewtabanustothecatalogueofnativediptera，theideathathewasplayingwithscience，andmightbetrustedanywhereasaharmlessamateur，fromwhomnoexpertcouldpossiblyfearanyanticipationofhisunpublisheddiscoveries，wentbeyondanythingsetdowninthatbookofhiswhichcontainedsomuchofthestrainingsofhiswisdom。
ThepoorlittleScarabeebeganfidgetingroundaboutthistime，andutteringsomehalf-audiblewords，apologetical，partly，andinvolvinganallusiontorefreshments。Ashespoke，heopenedasmallcupboard，andashedidsooutboltedanuninvitedtenantofthesame，longinperson，sableinhue，andswiftofmovement，onseeingwhichtheScarabeesimplysaid，withoutemotion，blatta，butI，forgettingwhatwasduetogoodmanners，exclaimedcockroach！
WecouldnotmakeupourmindstotaxtheScarabee’shospitality，alreadylevieduponbythevoraciousarticulate。Sowebothallegedastateofutterrepletion，anddidnotsolvethemysteryofthecontentsofthecupboard，——nottooluxurious，itmaybeconjectured，andyetkindlyoffered，sothatwefelttherewasamoistfilamentofthesocialinstinctrunninglikeanervethroughthatexsiccatedandalmostanhydrousorganism。
Welefthimwithprofessionsofesteemandrespectwhichwerereal。
Wehadgone，nottoscoff，butveryprobablytosmile，andIwillnotsaywedidnot。ButtheMasterwasmorethoughtfulthanusual——
IfIhadnotsolemnlydedicatedmyselftothestudyoftheOrderofThings，——hesaid，——IdoverilybelieveIwouldgivewhatremainstomeoflifetotheinvestigationofsomesinglepointIcouldutterlyeviscerateandleavefinallysettledfortheinstructionand，itmaybe，theadmirationofallcomingtime。Thekeelploughstenthousandleaguesofoceanandleavesnotraceofitsdeep-gravenfurrows。Thechiselscarsonlyafewinchesonthefaceofarock，butthestoryithastracedisreadbyahundredgenerations。Theeagleleavesnotrackofhispath，nomemoryoftheplacewherehebuilthisnest。
butapatientmolluskhasboredalittleholeinamarblecolumnofthetempleofSerapis，andthemonumentofhislaboroutlaststhealtarandthestatueofthedivinity——
Whew！——saidItomyself，——thatsoundsalittlelikewhatwecollegeboysusedtocallasquirt——TheMasterguessedmythoughtandsaid，smiling，——Thatisfromoneofmyoldlectures。Aman’stonguewagsalongquietlyenough，buthispenbeginsprancingassoonasittouchespaper。Iknowwhatyouarethinking——you’rethinkingthisisasquirt。Thatwordhastakenthenonsenseoutofagoodmanyhigh-
steppingfellows。Butitdidagooddealofharmtoo，anditwasavulgarlotthatapplieditoftenest。
IamatlastperfectlysatisfiedthatourLandladyhasnodesignsontheCapitalist，andaswellconvincedthatanyfancyofminethathewasliketomakelovetoherwasamistake。Thegoodwomanistoomuchabsorbedinherchildren，andmoreespeciallyintheDoctor，
asshedelightstocallherson，tobethepreyofanyfoolishdesireofchanginghercondition。Sheisdoingverywellasitis，andiftheyoungmansucceeds，asIhavelittlequestionthathewill，I
thinkitprobableenoughthatshewillretirefromherpositionastheheadofaboarding-house。Wehavealllikedthegoodwomanwhohavelivedwithher，——Imeanwethreefriendswhohaveputourselvesonrecord。Hertalk，Imustconfess，isalittlediffuseandnotalwaysabsolutelycorrect，accordingtothestandardofthegreatWorcester。sheissubjecttolachrymosecataclysmsandsemiconvulsiveupheavalswhensherevertsinmemorytoherpasttrials，andespeciallywhensherecallsthevirtuesofherdeceasedspouse，whowas，Isuspect，anadjunctsuchasonefindsnotrarelyannexedtoacapablematroninchargeofanestablishmentlikehers。thatistosay，aneasy-going，harmless，fetch-and-carry，carve-and-help，get-
out-of-the-waykindofneuter，whocomesupthreetimesastheysaydrowningpeopledoeveryday，namely，atbreakfast，dinner，andtea，anddisappears，submergedbeneaththewavesoflife，duringtheintervalsoftheseevents。
Itisasourceofgenuinedelighttome，whoamofakindlynatureenough，accordingtomyownreckoning，towatchthegoodwoman，andseewhatlooksofprideandaffectionshebestowsuponherBenjamin，andhow，inspiteofherself，thematernalfeelingbetraysitsinfluenceinherdispensationsofthosedelicacieswhicharetheexceptionalelementinourentertainments。IwillnotsaythatBenjamin’smess，likehisScripturenamesake’s，isfivetimesaslargeasthatofanyoftheothers，forthiswouldimplyeitheraneconomicaldistributiontotheguestsingeneralorheapingthepooryoungman’splateinawaythatwouldspoiltheappetiteofanEsquimau，butyoumaybesurehefareswellifanybodydoes。andI
wouldhaveyouunderstandthatourLandladyknowswhatiswhataswellaswhoiswho。
IbeginreallytoentertainverysanguineexpectationsofyoungDoctorBenjaminFranklin。Hehaslatelybeentreatingapatientofwhosegood-willmayproveofgreatimportancetohim。TheCapitalisthurtoneofhisfingerssomehoworother，andrequestedouryoungdoctortotakealookatit。Theyoungdoctoraskednothingbetterthantotakechargeofthecase，whichprovedmoreseriousthanmighthavebeenatfirstexpected，andkepthiminattendancemorethanaweek。Therewasoneveryoddthingaboutit。TheCapitalistseemedtohaveanideathathewasliketoberuinedinthematterofbandages，——smallstripsofwornlinenwhichanyoldwomancouldhavesparedhimfromherrag-bag，butwhich，withthatstrangeperversitywhichlonghabitsofeconomygivetoagoodmanyelderlypeople，heseemedtothinkwereaspreciousasiftheyhadbeenturnedintopaperandstampedwithpromisestopayinthousands，fromthenationaltreasury。Itwasimpossibletogetthiswhimoutofhim，andtheyoungdoctorhadtactenoughtohumorhiminit。Allthisdidnotlookverypromisingforthestateofmindinwhichthepatientwasliketoreceivehisbillforattendancewhenthatshouldbepresented。DoctorBenjaminwasmanenough，however，tocomeuptothemark，andsenthiminsuchanaccountasitwasbecomingtosendamanofamplemeanswhohadbeendiligentlyandskilfullycaredfor。
Helookedforwardwithsomeuncertaintyastohowitwouldbereceived。Perhapshispatientwouldtrytobeathimdown，andDoctorBenjaminmadeuphismindtohavethewholeornothing。Perhapshewouldpaythewholeamount，butwithalook，andpossiblyaword，thatwouldmakeeverydollarofitburnlikeablister。
DoctorBenjamin’sconjectureswerenotunnatural，butquiteremotefromtheactualfact。Assoonashispatienthadgotentirelywell，theyoungphysiciansentinhisbill。TheCapitalistrequestedhimtostepintohisroomwithhim，andpaidthefullchargeinthehandsomestandmostgratifyingway，thankinghimforhisskillandattention，andassuringhimthathehadhadgreatsatisfactioninsubmittinghimselftosuchcompetenthands，andshouldcertainlyapplytohimagainincaseheshouldhaveanyoccasionforamedicaladviser。Wemustnotbetoosagaciousinjudgingpeoplebythelittleexcrescencesoftheircharacter。ExpedeHerculemmayoftenprovesafeenough，butexverrucaTulliumisliabletomisleadahastyjudgeofhisfellow-men。
Ihavestudiedthepeoplecalledmisersandthoughtagooddealaboutthem。InformeryearsIusedtokeepalittlegoldbymeinordertoascertainformyselfexactlytheamountofpleasuretobegotoutofhandlingit。thisbeingthetraditionaldelightoftheold-fashionedmiser。Itisbynomeanstobedespised。Threeorfourhundreddollarsindouble-eagleswilldoverywelltoexperimenton。Thereissomethingveryagreeableintheyellowgleam，verymusicalinthemetallicclink，verysatisfyinginthesingularweight，andverystimulatinginthefeelingthatalltheworldoverthesesameyellowdisksarethemaster-keysthatletoneinwhereverhewantstogo，theservantsthatbringhimprettynearlyeverythinghewants，exceptvirtue，——andagooddealofwhatpassesforthat。Iconfess，then，toanhonestlikingforthesplendorsandthespecificgravityandthemanifoldpotentialityoftheroyalmetal，andIunderstand，afteracertainimperfectfashion，thedelightthatanoldraggedwretch，starvinghimselfinacrazyhovel，takesinstuffingguineasintooldstockingsandfillingearthenpotswithsovereigns，andeverynowandthenvisitinghishoardsandfingeringthefatpieces，andthinkingeverallthattheyrepresentofearthlyandangelicanddiabolicenergy。Amiserpouringouthisguineasintohispalmandbathinghisshrivelledandtremblinghandsintheyellowheapsbeforehim，isnottheprosaicbeingweareinthehabitofthinkinghim。Heisadreamer，almostapoet。YouandIreadanovelorapoemtohelpourimaginationstobuilduppalaces，andtransportusintotheemotionalstatesandthefelicitousconditionsoftheidealcharacterspicturedinthebookwearereading。Butthinkofhimandthesignificanceofthesymbolsheishandlingascomparedwiththeemptysyllablesandwordsweareusingtobuildouraerialedificeswith！Inthishandheholdsthesmileofbeautyandinthatthedaggerofrevenge。Thecontentsofthatoldglovewillbuyhimthewillingserviceofmanyanadroitsinner，andwithwhatthatcoarsesackcontainshecanpurchasetheprayersofholymenforallsucceedingtime。InthischestisacastleinSpain，arealone，andnotonlyinSpain，butanywherehewillchoosetohaveit。Ifhewouldknowwhatistheliberalityofjudgmentofanyofthestraitersects，hehasonlytohandoverthatboxofrouleauxtothetrusteesofoneofitseducationalinstitutionsfortheendowmentoftwoorthreeprofessorships。Ifhewoulddreamofbeingrememberedbycominggenerations，whatmonumentsoenduringasacollegebuildingthatshallbearhisname，andevenwhenitssolidmasonryshallcrumblegiveplacetoanotherstillchargedwiththesamesacreddutyofperpetuatinghisremembrance。WhowasSirMatthewHolworthy，thathisnameisahouseholdwordonthelipsofthousandsofscholars，andwillbecenturieshence，asthatofWalterdeMerton，deadsixhundredyearsago，isto-dayatOxford？WhowasMistressHolden，thatsheshouldbeblessedamongwomenbyhavinghernamespokengratefullyandthelittleedificeshecausedtobeerectedpreservedashermonumentfromgenerationtogeneration？Allthesepossibilities，thelustoftheeye，thelustoftheflesh，theprideoflife。thetearsofgratefulorphansbythegallon。theprayersofWestminsterAssembly’sCatechismdivinesbythethousand。themassesofpriestsbythecentury——allthesethings，andmoreifmoretherebethattheimaginationofaloverofgoldislikelytorangeover，themiserhearsandseesandfeelsandhugsandenjoysashepaddleswithhisleanhandsamongthesliding，shining，ringing，innocent-
lookingbitsofyellowmetal，toyingwiththemasthelion-tamerhandlesthegreatcarnivorousmonster，whosemightandwhoseterrorsarechild’splaytothelatentforcesandpowerofharm-doingoftheglitteringcountersplayedwithinthegreatgamebetweenangelsanddevils。
Ihaveseenagooddealofmisers，andIthinkIunderstandthemaswellasmostpersonsdo。ButtheCapitalist’seconomyinragsandhisliberalitytotheyoungdoctorareveryoddlycontrastedwitheachother。Ishouldnotbesurprisedatanytimetohearthathehadendowedascholarshiporprofessorshiporbuiltacollegedormitory，inspiteofhiscuriousparsimonyinoldlinen。
IdonotknowwhereourYoungAstronomergotthenotionsthatheexpressessofreelyinthelinesthatfollow。Ithinkthestatementistrue，however，whichIseeinoneofthemostpopularCyclopaedias，thatthenon-clericalmindinallagesisdisposedtolookfavorablyuponthedoctrineoftheuniversalrestorationtoholinessandhappinessofallfallenintelligences，whetherhumanorangelic。Certainly，mostofthepoetswhohavereachedtheheartofmen，sinceBurnsdroppedthetearforpoorauldNickie-benthatsoftenedthestony-heartedtheologyofScotland，havehadnon-
clericalminds，andIsupposeouryoungfriendisinhishumblewayanoptimistlikethem。Whathesaysinverseisverymuchthesamethingaswhatissaidinproseinallcompanies，andthoughtbyagreatmanywhoarethankfultoanybodythatwillsayitforthem，——
notafewclericalaswallasnon-clericalpersonsamongthem。
WIND-CLOUDSANDSTAR-DRIFTS。
V
WhatamIbutthecreatureThouhastmade？
WhathaveIsavetheblessingsThouhastlent？
WhathopeIbutThymercyandThylove？
Whobutmyselfshallcloudmysoulwithfear？
WhosehandprotectmefrommyselfbutThine？
Iclaimtherightsofweakness，I，thebabe，CallonmysiretoshieldmefromtheillsThatstillbesetmypath，nottryingmeWithsnaresbeyondmywisdomormystrength，HeknowingIshallusethemtomyharm，AndfindatenfoldmiseryinthesenseThatinmychildlikefollyIhavesprungThetrapuponmyselfasverminuseDrawnbythecunningbaittocertaindoom。
WhowroughtthewondrouscharmthatleadsusonTosweetperdition，buttheself-samepowerThatsetthefearfulenginetodestroyHiswretchedoffspringastheRabbistell，AndhiditsyawningjawsandtreacherousspringsInsuchashowofinnocentsweetflowersItluredthesinlessangelsandtheyfell？
Ah！HewhoprayedtheprayerofallmankindSummedinthosefewbriefwordsthemightiestpleaForerringsoulsbeforethecourtsofheaven，Saveusfrombeingtempted，——lestwefall！
Ifweareonlyasthepotter’sclayMadetobefashionedastheartistwills，AndbrokenintoshardsifweoffendTheeyeofHimwhomadeus，itiswell。
SuchloveastheinsensatelumpofclayThatspinsupontheswift-revolvingwheelBearstothehandthatshapesitsgrowingform，——
Suchlove，nomore，willbeourhearts’returnTothegreatMaster-workmanforhiscare，Orwouldbe，savethatthis，ourbreathingclay，IsintertwinedwithfineinnumerousthreadsThatmakeitconsciousinitsframer’shand。
AndthisHemustrememberwhohasfilledThesevesselswiththedeadlydraughtoflife，Life，thatmeansdeathtoallitclaims。OurloveMustkindleintheraythatstreamsfromheaven，Afaintreflectionofthelightdivine。
ThesunmustwarmtheearthbeforetheroseCanshowherinmostheart-leavestothesun。
HeyieldssomefractionoftheMaker’srightWhogivesthequiveringnerveitssenseofpain。
IstherenotsomethinginthepleadingeyeOfthepoorbrutethatsuffers，whicharraignsThelawthatbidsitsuffer？HasitnotAclaimforsomeremembranceinthebookThatfillsitspageswiththeidlewordsSpokenofmen？Orisitonlyclay，Bleedingandachinginthepotter’shand，YetallhisowntotreatitashewillAndwhenhewilltocastitathisfeet，Shattered，dishonored，lostforevermore？
Mydoglovesme，butcouldhelookbeyondHisearthlymaster，wouldhisloveextendToHimwho——Hush！IwillnotdoubtthatHeIsbetterthanourfears，andwillnotwrongTheleast，themeanestofcreatedthings！
HewouldnottrustmewiththesmallestorbThatcirclesthroughthesky。hewouldnotgiveAmeteortomyguidance。wouldnotleaveThecoloringofacloudlettomyhand。
HelocksmybeatingheartbeneathitsbarsAndkeepsthekeyhimself。hemeasuresoutThedraughtsofvitalbreaththatwarmmyblood，Windsupthespringsofinstinctwhichuncoil，Eachinitsseason。tiesmetomyhome，Myrace，mytime，mynation，andmycreedSocloselythatifIbutslipmywristOutofthebandthatcutsittothebone，Mensay，Hehathadevil。hehaslentAllthatIholdintrust，asuntooneByreasonofhisweaknessandhisyearsNotfittoholdthesmallestshredinfeeOfthosemostcommonthingshecallshisownAndyet——myRabbitellsme——hehasleftThecareofthattowhichamillionworlds。
Filledwithunconsciouslifewerelessthannaught，Hasleftthatmightyuniverse，theSoul，Totheweakguidanceofourbabyhands，Turnedusadriftwithourimmortalcharge，Letthefoulfiendshaveaccessattheirwill，Takingtheshapeofangels，toourhearts，OurheartsalreadypoisonedthroughandthroughWiththefiercevirusofancestralsin。
IfwhatmyRabbitellsmeisthetruth，Whydidthechoirofangelssingforjoy？
Heavenmustbecompassedinanarrowspace，AndoffermorethanroomenoughforallThatpassitsportals。buttheunderworld，Thegodlessrealm，theplacewheredemonsforgeTheirfierydartsandadamantinechains，MustswarmwithghoststhatforalittlewhileHadwornthegarbofflesh，andbeingheirsOfallthedulnessoftheirstolidsires，Andalltheerringinstinctsoftheirtribe，Nature’sownteaching，rudimentsofsin，
FellheadlonginthesnarethatcouldnotfailTotrapthewretchedcreaturesshapedofclayAndcursedwithsenseenoughtolosetheirsouls！
Brother，thyheartistroubledatmyword。
Sister，Iseethecloudisonthybrow。
Hewillnotblameme，Hewhosendsnotpeace，Butsendsasword，andbidsusstrikeamainAtError’sgildedcrest，whereinthevanOfearth’sgreatarmy，minglingwiththebestAndbravestofitsleaders，shoutingloudThebattle-criesthatyesterdayhaveledThehostofTruthtovictory，butto-dayArewatchwordsofthelaggardandtheslave，Heleadshisdazzledcohorts。GodhasmadeThisworldastrifeofatomsandofspheres。
WitheverybreathIsighmyselfawayAndtakemytributefromthewanderingwindTofantheflameoflife’sconsumingfire。
So，whilemythoughthaslife，itneedsmustburn，Andburning，setthestubble-fieldsablaze，WherealltheharvestlongagowasreapedAndsafelygarneredintheancientbarns，Butstillthegleaners，gropingfortheirfood，Goblindlyfeelingthroughtheclose-shornstraw，WhiletheyoungreapersflashtheirglitteringsteelWherelatersunshaveripenednoblergrain！
Welistenedtotheselinesinsilence。Theywereevidentlywrittenhonestly，andwithfeeling，andnodoubtmeanttobereverential。I
thought，however，theLadylookedratherseriousashefinishedreading。TheYoungGirl’scheekswereflushed，butshewasnotinthemoodforcriticism。
AswecameawaytheMastersaidtome——Thestubble-fieldsaremightyslowtotakefire。Theseyoungfellowscatchupwiththeworld’sideasoneafteranother，——theyhavebeentamedalongwhile，buttheyfindthemrunninglooseintheirminds，andthinktheyareferaenaturae。Theyremindmeofyoungsportsmenwhofireatthefirstfeatherstheysee，andbringdownabarnyardfowl。Butthechickenmaybeworthbaggingforallthat，hesaid，good-humoredly。
X
CaveatLector。Letthereaderlookoutforhimself。TheoldMaster，whosewordsIhavesofrequentlyquotedandshallquotemoreof，isadogmatistwholaysdownthelaw，excathedra，fromthechairofhisownpersonality。Idonotdenythathehastheambitionofknowingsomethingaboutagreaternumberofsubjectsthananyonemanoughttomeddlewith，exceptinaveryhumbleandmodestway。Andthatisnothisway。Therewasnodoubtsomethingof，humorousbravadoinhissayingthattheactualorderofthingsdidnotofferafieldsufficientlyampleforhisintelligence。ButifIfoundfaultwithhim，whichwouldbeeasyenough，Ishouldsaythatheholdsandexpressesdefiniteopinionsaboutmattersthathecouldaffordtoleaveopenquestions，oraskthejudgmentofothersabout。ButIdonotwanttofindfaultwithhim。Ifhedoesnotsettleallthepointshespeaksofsoauthoritatively，hesetsmethinkingaboutthem，andIlikeamanasacompanionwhoisnotafraidofahalf-
truth。Iknowhesayssomethingsperemptorilythathemayinwardlydebatewithhimself。Therearetwowaysofdealingwithassertionsofthiskind。Onemayattackthemonthefalsesideandperhapsgainaconversationalvictory。ButIlikebettertotakethemuponthetruesideandseehowmuchcanbemadeofthataspectofthedogmaticassertion。ItistheonlycomfortablewayofdealingwithpersonsliketheoldMaster。
TherehavebeenthreefamoustalkersinGreatBritain，eitherofwhomwouldillustratewhatIsayaboutdogmatistswellenoughformypurpose。YoucannotdoubttowhatthreeIrefer：SamueltheFirst，SamueltheSecond，andThomas，lastoftheDynasty。ImeanthelivingThomasandnotThomasB。
IsaythelastoftheDynasty，fortheconversationaldogmatistontheimperialscalebecomeseveryyearmoreandmoreanimpossibility。
Ifheisinintelligentcompanyhewillbealmostsuretofindsomeonewhoknowsmoreaboutsomeofthesubjectshegeneralizesuponthananywholesalethinkerwhohandlesknowledgebythecargoisliketoknow。Ifindmyself，atcertainintervals，inthesocietyofanumberofexpertsinscience，literature，andart，whocoveraprettywiderange，takingthemalltogether，ofhumanknowledge。IhavenottheleastdoubtthatifthegreatDr。SamuelJohnsonshouldcomeinandsitwiththiscompanyatoneoftheirSaturdaydinners，hewouldbelistenedto，ashealwayswas，withrespectandattention。Buttherearesubjectsuponwhichthegreattalkercouldspeakmagisteriallyinhistimeandathisclub，uponwhichsowiseamanwouldexpresshimselfguardedlyatthemeetingwhereIhavesupposedhimaguest。Wehaveascientificmanortwoamongus，forinstance，whowouldbeentitledtosmileatthegoodDoctor’sestimateoftheirlabors，asIgiveithere：
Ofthosethatspinoutlifeintriflesanddiewithoutamemorial，manyflatterthemselveswithhighopinionoftheirownimportanceandimaginethattheyareeverydayaddingsomeimprovementtohumanlife——Someturnthewheelofelectricity，somesuspendringstoaloadstone，andfindthatwhattheydidyesterdaytheycandoagainto-day。Someregisterthechangesofthewind，anddiefullyconvincedthatthewindischangeable。