Iwouldstartinatoncetoelevate,purify,anddepopulatethered—lightdistrict。Iwouldassignthemostsoulfulpoetstothatdistrict,allheavilyarmedwiththeirpoems。TakeChaunceyDepewasasample。Iwouldstationthemonthecornersaftertheyhadroundedupallthedepravedpeopleofthedistrictsotheycouldnotescape,andthenhavethemreadfromtheirpoemstothepoorunfortunates。Theplanwouldbeveryeffectiveincausinganemigrationofthedepravedelement。
PUDD\'NHEADWILSONDRAMATIZED。
WhenMr。ClemensarrivedfromEuropein1895oneofthefirstthingshedidwastoseethedramatizationofPudd\'nheadWilson。TheaudiencebecomingawareofthefactthatMr。Clemenswasinthehousecalleduponhimforaspeech。
NEVERinmylifehaveIbeenabletomakeaspeechwithoutpreparation,andIassureyouthatthispositioninwhichIfindmyselfisonetotallyunexpected。
IhavebeenhemmedinalldaybyWilliamDeanHowellsandotherfrivolouspersons,andIhavebeentalkingabouteverythingintheworldexceptthatofwhichspeechesareconstructed。Then,too,sevendaysonthewaterisnotconducivetospeech—making。IwillonlysaythatIcongratulateMr。Mayhew;hehascertainlymadeadelightfulplayoutofmyrubbish。Hisisacharminggift。ConfidentiallyI
havealwayshadanideathatIwaswellequippedtowriteplays,butI
haveneverencounteredamanagerwhohasagreedwithme。
DALYTHEATRE。
ADDRESSATADINNERAFTERTHEONEHUNDREDTH
PERFORMANCEOF\"THETAMINGOFTHESHREW。\"
Mr。Clemensmadethefollowingspeech,whichheincorporatedafterwardinFollowingtheEquator。
IAMgladtobehere。ThisisthehardesttheatreinNewYorktogetinto,evenatthefrontdoor。Inevergotinwithouthardwork。Iamgladwehavegotsofarinatlast。TwoorthreeyearsagoIhadanappointmenttomeetMr。Dalyonthestageofthistheatreateighto\'clockintheevening。Well,IgotonatrainatHartfordtocometoNewYorkandkeeptheappointment。AllIhadtodowastocometothebackdoorofthetheatreonSixthAvenue。Ididnotbelievethat;IdidnotbelieveitcouldbeonSixthAvenue,butthatiswhatDaly\'snotesaid—cometothatdoor,walkrightin,andkeeptheappointment。Itlookedveryeasy。Itlookedeasyenough,butIhadnotmuchconfidenceintheSixthAvenuedoor。
Well,Iwaskindofboredonthetrain,andIboughtsomenewspapers—NewHavennewspapers—andtherewasnotmuchnewsinthem,soIreadtheadvertisements。Therewasoneadvertisementofabench—show。Ihadheardofbench—shows,andIoftenwonderedwhattherewasaboutthemtointerestpeople。Ihadseenbench—shows—
lecturedtobench—shows,infact—butIdidn\'twanttoadvertisethemortobragaboutthem。Well,Ireadonalittle,andlearnedthatabench—showwasnotabench—show—butdogs,notbenchesatall—
onlydogs。Ibegantobeinterested,andastherewasnothingelsetodoIreadeverybitoftheadvertisement,andlearnedthatthebiggestthinginthisshowwasaSt。Bernarddogthatweighedonehundredandforty—fivepounds。BeforeIgottoNewYorkIwassointerestedinthebench—showsthatImadeupmymindtogotoonethefirstchanceIgot。DownonSixthAvenue,nearwherethatbackdoormightbe,Ibegantotakethingsleisurely。Ididnotliketobeintoomuchofahurry。Therewasnotanythinginsightthatlookedlikeabackdoor。Thenearestapproachtoitwasacigarstore。SoI
wentinandboughtacigar,nottooexpensive,butitcostenoughtopayforanyinformationImightgetandleavethedealerafairprofit。Well,Ididnotliketobetooabrupt,tomakethemanthinkmecrazy,byaskinghimifthatwasthewaytoDaly\'sTheatre,soI
startedgraduallytoleaduptothesubject,askinghimfirstifthatwasthewaytoCastleGarden。WhenIgottotherealquestion,andhesaidhewouldshowmetheway,Iwasastonished。Hesentmethroughalonghallway,andIfoundmyselfinabackyard。ThenIwentthroughalongpassagewayandintoalittleroom,andtherebeforemyeyeswasabigSt。Bernarddoglyingonabench。TherewasanotherdoorbeyondandIwentthere,andwasmetbyabig,fiercemanwithafurcaponandcoatoff,whoremarked,\"Phwatdoyezwant？\"I
toldhimIwantedtoseeMr。Daly。\"Yezcan\'tseeMr。Dalythistimeofnight,\"heresponded。IurgedthatIhadanappointmentwithMr。
Daly,andgavehimmycard,whichdidnotseemtoimpresshimmuch。
\"Yezcan\'tgetinandyezcan\'tshmokehere。Throwawaythatcigar。IfyezwanttoseeMr。Daly,yez\'llhavetobeaftergoingtothefrontdoorandbuyaticket,andthenifyezhaveluckandhe\'saroundthatwayyezmayseehim。\"Iwasgettingdiscouraged,butIhadoneresourceleftthathadbeenofgoodserviceinsimilaremergencies。
FirmlybutkindlyItoldhimmynamewasMarkTwain,andIawaitedresults。Therewasnone。Hewasnotfazedabit。\"Phwere\'syourordertoseeMr。Daly？\"heasked。Ihandedhimthenote,andheexamineditintently。\"Myfriend,\"Iremarked,\"youcanreadthatbetterifyouholdittheothersideup。\"Buthetooknonoticeofthesuggestion,andfinallyasked:\"Where\'sMr。Daly\'sname？\"\"Thereitis,\"Itoldhim,\"onthetopofthepage。\"\"That\'sallright,\"hesaid,\"that\'swherehealwaysputsit;butIdon\'tseethe\'W\'inhisname,\"andheeyedmedistrustfully。Finallyheasked,\"PhwatdoyezwanttoseeMr。Dalyfor？\"\"Business。\"\"Business？\"\"Yes。\"Itwasmyonlyhope。\"Pwhatkind—theatres？\"Thatwastoomuch。\"No。\"\"Whatkindofshows,then？\"\"Bench—shows。\"Itwasrisky,butIwasdesperate。\"Bench—shows,isit—where？\"Thebigman\'sfacechanged,andhebegantolookinterested。\"NewHaven。\"\"NewHaven,itis？Ah,that\'sgoingtobeafineshow。I\'mgladtoseeyou。Didyouseeabigdogintheotherroom？\"\"Yes。\"\"Howmuchdoyouthinkthatdogweighs？\"\"Onehundredandforty—fivepounds。\"\"Lookatthat,now！He\'sagoodjudgeofdogs,andnomistake。Heweighsallofonehundredandthirty—eight。Sitdownandshmoke—goonandshmokeyourcigar,I\'lltellMr。Dalyyouarehere。\"InafewminutesIwasonthestageshakinghandswithMr。Daly,andthebigmanstandingaroundglowingwithsatisfaction。\"Comearoundinfront,\"saidMr。Daly,\"andseetheperformance。Iwillputyouintomyownbox。\"AndasImovedawayI
heardmyhonestfriendmutter,\"Well,hedesarvesit。\"
THEDRESSOFCIVILIZEDWOMAN。
ALARGEpartofthedaughterofcivilizationisherdress—asitshouldbe。Somecivilizedwomenwouldlosehalftheircharmwithoutdress,andsomewouldloseallofit。Thedaughterofmoderncivilizationdressedatherutmostbestisamarvelofexquisiteandbeautifulartandexpense。Allthelands,alltheclimes,andalltheartsarelaidundertributetofurnishherforth。HerlinenisfromBelfast,herrobeisfromParis,herlaceisfromVenice,orSpain,orFrance,herfeathersarefromtheremoteregionsofSouthernAfrica,herfursfromtheremoterregionoftheicebergandtheaurora,herfanfromJapan,herdiamondsfromBrazil,herbraceletsfromCalifornia,herpearlsfromCeylon,hercameosfromRome。ShehasgemsandtrinketsfromburiedPompeii,andothersthatgracedcomelyEgyptianformsthathavebeendustandashesnowforfortycenturies。HerwatchisfromGeneva,hercard—caseisfromChina,herhairisfrom—from—Idon\'tknowwhereherhairisfrom;Inevercouldfindout;thatis,herotherhair—herpublichair,herSundayhair;Idon\'tmeanthehairshegoestobedwith……
Andthatremindsmeofatrifle。AnytimeyouwanttoyoucanglancearoundthecarpetofaPullmancar,andgoandpickupahair—pin;butnottosaveyourlifecanyougetanywomaninthatcartoacknowledgethathair—pin。Now,isn\'tthatstrange？Butit\'strue。Thewomanwhohasneverswervedfromcast—ironveracityandfidelityinherwholelifewill,whenconfrontedwiththiscrucialtest,denyherhair—pin。Shewilldenythathair—pinbeforeahundredwitnesses。I
havestupidlygotintomoretroubleandmorehotwatertryingtohuntuptheownerofahair—pininaPullmanthanbyanyotherindiscretionofmylife。
DRESSREFORMANDCOPYRIGHT。
Whenthepresentcopyrightlawwasunderdiscussion,Mr。Clemensappearedbeforethecommittee。HehadsentSpeakerCannonthefollowingletter:
\"DEARUNCLEJOSEPH,—PleasegetmethethanksofCongress,notnextweekbutrightaway。Itisverynecessary。Doaccomplishthisforyouraffectionateoldfriendrightaway—bypersuasionifyoucan,byviolenceifyoumust,foritisimperativelynecessarythatIgetontheflooroftheHousefortwoorthreehoursandtalktothemembers,manbyman,inbehalfofsupport,encouragement,andprotectionofoneofthenation\'smostvaluableassetsandindustries—
itsliterature。Ihaveargumentswithme—alsoabarrelwithliquidinit。
\"Givemeachance。GetmethethanksofCongress。Don\'twaitforothers—thereisn\'ttime;furnishthemtomeyourselfandletCongressratifylater。IhavestayedawayandletCongressaloneforseventy—oneyearsandamentitledtothethanks。Congressknowsthisperfectlywell,andIhavelongfelthurtthatthisquiteproperandearnedexpressionofgratitudehasbeenmerelyfeltbytheHouseandneverpubliclyuttered。
\"Sendmeanorderonthesergeant—at—armsquick。WhenshallIcome？
\"Withloveandabenediction,\"MARKTWAIN。\"
Whilewaitingtoappearbeforethecommittee,Mr。Clemenstalkedtothereporters:
WHYdon\'tyouaskwhyIamwearingsuchapparentlyunseasonableclothes？I\'lltellyou。Ihavefoundthatwhenamanreachestheadvancedageofseventy—oneyears,asIhave,thecontinualsightofdarkclothingislikelytohaveadepressingeffectuponhim。
Light—coloredclothingismorepleasingtotheeyeandenlivensthespirit。Now,ofcourse,Icannotcompeleveryonetowearsuchclothingjustformyespecialbenefit,soIdothenextbestthingandwearitmyself。
Ofcourse,beforeamanreachesmyyearsthefearofcriticismmightpreventhimfromindulginghisfancy。Iamnotafraidofthat。Iamdecidedlyforpleasingcolorcombinationsindress。Iliketoseethewomen\'sclothes,say,attheopera。Whatcanbemoredepressingthanthesombreblackwhichcustomrequiresmentowearuponstateoccasions？Agroupofmenineveningclotheslookslikeaflockofcrows,andisjustaboutasinspiring。
Afterall,whatisthepurposeofclothing？Arenotclothesintendedprimarilytopreservedignityandalsotoaffordcomforttotheirwearer？NowIknowofnothingmoreuncomfortablethanthepresent—dayclothesofmen。Thefinestclothingmadeisaperson\'sownskin,but,ofcourse,societydemandssomethingmorethanthis。
Thebest—dressedmanIhaveeverseen,however,wasanativeoftheSandwichIslandswhoattractedmyattentionthirtyyearsago。Now,whenthatmanwantedtodonespecialdresstohonorapublicoccasionoraholiday,why,heoccasionallyputonapairofspectacles。OtherwisetheclothingwithwhichGodhadprovidedhimsufficed。
Ofcourse,Ihaveideasofdressreform。Foronething,whynotadoptsomeofthewomen\'sstyles？Goodnessknows,theyadoptenoughofours。Takethepeek—a—boowaist,forinstance。Ithastheobviousadvantagesofbeingcoolandcomfortable,andinadditionitisalmostalwaysmadeupinpleasingcolorswhichcheeranddonotdepress。
ItistruethatIdressedtheConnecticutYankeeatKingArthur\'sCourtinaplug—hat,but,let\'ssee,thatwastwenty—fiveyearsago。
Thennomanwasconsideredfullydresseduntilhedonnedaplug—hat。
NowadaysIthinkthatnomanisdresseduntilheleavesithome。
Why,whenIlefthomeyesterdaytheytrottedoutaplug—hatformetowear。
\"Youmustwearit,\"theytoldme;\"why,justthinkofgoingtoWashingtonwithoutaplug—hat！\"ButIsaidno;Iwouldwearaderbyornothing。Why,IbelieveIcouldwalkalongthestreetsofNewYork—
Ineverdo—butstillIthinkIcould—andIshouldneverseeawell—dressedmanwearingaplug—hat。IfIdidIshouldsuspecthimofsomething。Idon\'tknowjustwhat,butIwouldsuspecthim。
Why,whenIgotuponthesecondstoryofthatPennsylvaniaferry—boatcomingdownhereyesterdayIsawHowellscomingalong。Hewastheonlymanontheboatwithaplug—hat,andItellyouhefeltashamedofhimself。Hesaidhehadbeenpersuadedtowearitagainsthisbettersense。Butjustthinkofamannearlyseventyyearsoldwhohasnotamindofhisownonsuchmatters！
\"Areyoudoinganyworknow？\"theyoungestandmostseriousreporterasked。
Work？Iretiredfromworkonmyseventiethbirthday。SincethenI
havebeenputtinginmerelytwenty—sixhoursadaydictatingmyautobiography,which,asJohnPhoenixsaidinregardtohisautograph,mayberelieduponasauthentic,asitiswrittenexclusivelybyme。
ButitisnottobepublishedinfulluntilIamthoroughlydead。I
havemadeitascaustic,fiendish,anddevilishaspossible。Itwillfillmanyvolumes,andIshallcontinuewritingituntilthetimecomesformetojointheangels。Itisgoingtobeaterribleautobiography。Itwillmakethehairofsomefolkscurl。ButitcannotbepublisheduntilIamdead,andthepersonsmentionedinitandtheirchildrenandgrand—childrenaredead。Itissomethingawful！
\"Canyoutellusthenamesofsomeofthenotablesthatareheretoseeyouoff？\"
Idon\'tknow。Iamsoshy。Myshynesstakesapeculiarphase。I
neverlookapersonintheface。ThereasonisthatIamafraidtheymayknowmeandthatImaynotknowthem,whichmakesitveryembarrassingforbothofus。Ialwayswaitfortheotherpersontospeak。Iknowlotsofpeople,butIdon\'tknowwhotheyare。Itisallamatterofabilitytoobservethings。Ineverobserveanythingnow。I
gaveupthehabityearsago。Youshouldkeepahabitupifyouwanttobecomeproficientinit。Forinstance,Iwasapilotonce,butI
gaveitup,andIdonotbelievethecaptainoftheMinneapoliswouldletmenavigatehisshiptoLondon。Still,ifIthinkthatheisnotonthejobImaygouponthebridgeandofferhimafewsuggestions。
COLLEGEGIRLS。
Fivehundredundergraduates,undertheauspicesoftheWoman\'sUniversityClub,NewYork,welcomedMr。Clemensastheirguest,April3,1906,andgavehimthefreedomoftheclub,whichthechairmanexplainedwasfreedomtotalkindividuallytoanygirlpresent。
I\'VEworkedforthepublicgoodthirtyyears,sofortherestofmylifeIshallworkformypersonalcontentment。IamgladMissNeronhasfedme,forthereisnotellingwhatiniquityImightwanderintoonanemptystomach—Imean,anemptymind。
IamgoingtotellyouapracticalstoryabouthowonceuponatimeIwasblind—astoryIshouldhavebeenusingallthesemonths,butIneverthoughtabouttellingituntiltheothernight,andnowitistoolate,foronthenineteenthofthismonthIhopetotakeformalleaveoftheplatformforeveratCarnegieHall—thatis,takeleavesofarastalkingformoneyandforpeoplewhohavepaidmoneytohearmetalk。Ishallcontinuetoinfesttheplatformontheseconditions—
thatthereisnobodyinthehousewhohaspaidtohearme,thatIamnotpaidtobeheard,andthattherewillbenonebutyoungwomenstudentsintheaudience。[HereMr。Clemenstoldthestoryofhowhetookagirltothetheatrewhilehewaswearingtightboots,whichappearselsewhereinthisvolume,andendedbysaying:\"Andnowletthisbealessontoyou—Idon\'tknowwhatkindofalesson;I\'llletyouthinkitout。\"]
GIRLS。
INmycapacityofpublisherIrecentlyreceivedamanuscriptfromateacherwhichembodiedanumberofanswersgivenbyherpupilstoquestionspropounded。Theseanswersshowthatthechildrenhadnothingbutthesoundtogoby—thesensewasperfectlyempty。Herearesomeoftheiranswerstowordstheywereaskedtodefine:Auriferous—
pertainingtoanorifice;ammonia—thefoodofthegods;equestrian—
onewhoasksquestions;parasite—akindofumbrella;ipecac—amanwholikesagooddinner。Andhereisthedefinitionofanancientwordhonoredbyagreatparty:Republican—asinnermentionedintheBible。
Andhereisaninnocentdeliveranceofazoologicalkind:\"Thereareagoodmanydonkeysinthetheologicalgardens。\"Herealsoisadefinitionwhichreallyisn\'tverybadinitsway:Demagogue—avesselcontainingbeerandotherliquids。Here,too,isasampleofaboy\'scompositionongirls,which,Imustsay,Iratherlike:
\"Girlsareverystuckupanddignifiedintheirmannerandbehaveyour。Theythinkmoreofdressthananythingandliketoplaywithdowlsandrags。Theycryiftheyseeacowinafardistanceandareafraidofguns。TheystayathomeallthetimeandgotochurcheverySunday。Theyareal—wayssick。Theyareal—waysfunyandmakingfunofboyshandsandtheysayhowdirty。Theycantplaymarbles。Ipitythempoorthings。Theymakefunofboysandthenturnroundandlovethem。Idon\'tbelavetheyeverkilledacatoranything。Theylookouteveryniteandsay,\'Oh,a\'ntthemoonlovely！\'ThirisonethingIhavenottoldandthatistheyal—waysnowtheirlessonsbetternboys。\"
THELADIES。
DELIVEREDATTHEANNIVERSARYFESTIVAL,1872,OFTHESCOTTISHCORPORATIONOFLONDON
Mr。Clemensrepliedtothetoast\"TheLadies。\"
IAMproud,indeed,ofthedistinctionofbeingchosentorespondtothisespecialtoast,to\"TheLadies,\"ortowomenifyouplease,forthatisthepreferableterm,perhaps;itiscertainlytheolder,andthereforethemoreentitledtoreverence。IhavenoticedthattheBible,withthatplain,blunthonestywhichissuchaconspicuouscharacteristicoftheScriptures,isalwaysparticulartoneverrefertoeventheillustriousmotherofallmankindasa\"lady,\"butspeaksofherasawoman。Itisodd,butyouwillfinditisso。I
ampeculiarlyproudofthishonor,becauseIthinkthatthetoasttowomenisonewhich,byrightandbyeveryruleofgallantry,shouldtakeprecedenceofallothers—ofthearmy,ofthenavy,ofevenroyaltyitself—perhaps,thoughthelatterisnotnecessaryinthisdayandinthisland,forthereasonthat,tacitly,youdodrinkabroadgeneralhealthtoallgoodwomenwhenyoudrinkthehealthoftheQueenofEnglandandthePrincessofWales。Ihaveinmindapoemjustnowwhichisfamiliartoyouall,familiartoeverybody。Andwhataninspirationthatwas,andhowinstantlythepresenttoastrecallstheversestoallourmindswhenthemostnoble,themostgracious,thepurest,andsweetestofallpoetssays:
\"Woman！Owoman！—er—
Wom—\"
However,yourememberthelines;andyourememberhowfeelingly,howdaintily,howalmostimperceptiblytheversesraiseupbeforeyou,featurebyfeature,theidealofatrueandperfectwoman;andhow,asyoucontemplatethefinishedmarvel,yourhomagegrowsintoworshipoftheintellectthatcouldcreatesofairathingoutofmerebreath,merewords。Andyoucalltomindnow,asIspeak,howthepoet,withsternfidelitytothehistoryofallhumanity,deliversthisbeautifulchildofhisheartandhisbrainovertothetrialsandsorrowsthatmustcometoall,soonerorlater,thatabideintheearth,andhowthepatheticstoryculminatesinthatapostrophe—sowild,soregretful,sofullofmournfulretrospection。Thelinesrunthus:
\"Alas！—alas！—a—alas！
——Alas！————alas！\"
—andsoon。Idonotremembertherest;but,takentogether,itseemstomethatpoemisthenoblesttributetowomanthathumangeniushaseverbroughtforth—andIfeelthatifIweretotalkhoursI
couldnotdomygreatthemecompleterormoregracefuljusticethanIhavenowdoneinsimplyquotingthatpoet\'smatchlesswords。Thephasesofthewomanlynatureareinfiniteintheirvariety。Takeanytypeofwoman,andyoushallfindinitsomethingtorespect,somethingtoadmire,somethingtolove。Andyoushallfindthewholejoiningyouheartandhand。WhowasmorepatrioticthanJoanofArc？
Whowasbraver？Whohasgivenusagranderinstanceofself—sacrificingdevotion？Ah！youremember,yourememberwell,whatathrobofpain,whatagreattidalwaveofgriefsweptoverusallwhenJoanofArcfellatWaterloo。WhodoesnotsorrowforthelossofSappho,thesweet。singerofIsrael？Whoamongusdoesnotmissthegentleministrations,thesofteninginfluences,thehumblepietyofLucretiaBorgia？WhocanjoinintheheartlesslibelthatsayswomanisextravagantindresswhenhecanlookbackandcalltomindoursimpleandlowlymotherEvearrayedinhermodificationoftheHighlandcostume？Sir,womenhavebeensoldiers,womenhavebeenpainters,womenhavebeenpoets。AslongaslanguagelivesthenameofCleopatrawilllive。AndnotbecausesheconqueredGeorgeIII。—butbecauseshewrotethosedivinelines:
\"Letdogsdelighttobarkandbite,ForGodhathmadethemso。\"
Thestoryoftheworldisadornedwiththenamesofillustriousonesofourownsex—someofthemsonsofSt。Andrew,too—Scott,Bruce,Burns,thewarriorWallace,BenNevis—thegiftedBenLomond,andthegreatnewScotchman,BenDisraeli。*Outofthegreatplainsofhistorytowerwholemountainrangesofsublimewomen—theQueenofSheba,Josephine,Semiramis,SaireyGamp;thelistisendless—butI
willnotcallthemightyroll,thenamesriseupinyourownmemoriesatthemeresuggestion,luminouswiththegloryofdeedsthatcannotdie,hallowedbythelovingworshipofthegoodandthetrueofallepochsandallclimes。SufficeitforourprideandourhonorthatweinourdayhaveaddedtoitsuchnamesasthoseofGraceDarlingandFlorenceNightingale。Womanisallthatsheshouldbe—gentle,patient,long—suffering,trustful,unselfish,fullofgenerousimpulses。Itisherblessedmissiontocomfortthesorrowing,pleadfortheerring,encouragethefaintofpurpose,succorthedistressed,upliftthefallen,befriendthefriendless—inaword,affordthehealingofhersympathiesandahomeinherheartforallthebruisedandpersecutedchildrenofmisfortunethatknockatitshospitabledoor。AndwhenIsay,Godblessher,thereisnoneamonguswhohasknowntheennoblingaffectionofawife,orthesteadfastdevotionofamotherbutinhisheartwillsay,Amen！
*Mr。BenjaminDisraeli,atthattimePrimeMinisterofEngland,hadjustbeenelectedLordRectorofGlasgowUniversity,andhadmadeaspeechwhichgaverisetoaworldofdiscussion。
WOMAN\'SPRESSCLUB。
OnOctober27,1900,theNewYorkWoman\'sPressClubgaveateainCarnegieHall。Mr。Clemenswastheguestofhonor。
IFIwereaskedanopinionIwouldcallthisanungrammaticalnation。Thereisnosuchthingasperfectgrammar,andIdon\'talwaysspeakgoodgrammarmyself。ButIhavebeenforegatheringforthepastfewdayswithprofessorsofAmericanuniversities,andI\'veheardthemallsaythingslikethis:\"Hedon\'tliketodoit。\"
[Therewasastir。]Oh,you\'llhearthatto—nightifyoulisten,or,\"Hewouldhavelikedtohavedoneit。\"You\'llcatchsomeeducatedAmericanssayingthat。Whenthesementakepeninhandtheywritewithasgoodgrammarasany。Butthemomenttheythrowthepenasidetheythrowgrammaticalmoralsasidewithit。
Toillustratethedesirabilityandpossibilityofconcentration,I
musttellyouastoryofmylittlesix—year—olddaughter。Thegovernesshadbeenteachingheraboutthereindeer,and,asthecustomwas,sherelatedittothefamily。Shereducedthehistoryofthatreindeertotwoorthreesentenceswhenthegovernesscouldnothaveputitintoapage。Shesaid:\"Thereindeerisaveryswiftanimal。
Areindeeroncedrewasledfourhundredmilesintwohours。\"Sheappendedthecomment:\"Thiswasregardedasextraordinary。\"Andconcluded:\"Whenthatreindeerwasdonedrawingthatsledfourhundredmilesintwohoursitdied。\"
Asafinalinstanceoftheforceoflimitationsinthedevelopmentofconcentration,Imustmentionthatbeautifulcreature,HelenKeller,whomIhaveknownforthesemanyyears。Iamfilledwiththewonderofherknowledge,acquiredbecauseshutoutfromalldistraction。IfIcouldhavebeendeaf,dumb,andblindIalsomighthavearrivedatsomething。
VOTESFORWOMEN。
ATTHEANNUALMEETINGOFTHEHEBREWTECHNICAL
SCHOOLFORGIRLS,HELDINTHETEMPLE
EMMANUEL,JANUARY20,1901
Mr。ClemenswasintroducedbyPresidentMeyer,whosaid:\"InoneofMr。Clemens\'sworksheexpressedhisopinionofmen,sayinghehadnochoicebetweenHebrewandGentile,blackmenorwhite;tohimallmenwerealike。ButInevercouldfindthatheexpressedhisopinionofwomen;perhapsthatopinionwassoexaltedthathecouldnotexpressit。Weshallnowbecalledtohearwhathethinksofwomen。\"
LADIESANDGENTLEMEN,—ItisasmallhelpthatIcanafford,butitisjustsuchhelpthatonecangiveascomingfromtheheartthroughthemouth。ThereportofMr。Meyerwasadmirable,andIwasasinterestedinitasyouhavebeen。Why,I\'mtwiceasoldashe,andI\'vehadsomuchexperiencethatIwouldsaytohim,whenhemakeshisappealforhelp:\"Don\'tmakeitforto—dayorto—morrow,butcollectthemoneyonthespot。\"
Weareallcreaturesofsuddenimpulse。Wemustbeworkedupbysteam,asitwere。Getthemtowritetheirwillsnow,oritmaybetoolateby—and—by。FifteenortwentyyearsagoIhadanexperienceI
shallneverforget。Igotintoachurchwhichwascrowdedbyaswelteringandpantingmultitude。Thecitymissionaryofourtown—
Hartford—madeatellingappealforhelp。Hetoldofpersonalexperiencesamongthepoorincellarsandtoploftsrequiringinstancesofdevotionandhelp。Thepoorarealwaysgoodtothepoor。Whenapersonwithhismillionsgivesahundredthousanddollarsitmakesagreatnoiseintheworld,buthedoesnotmissit;it\'sthewidow\'smitethatmakesnonoisebutdoesthebestwork。
IrememberonthatoccasionintheHartfordchurchthecollectionwasbeingtakenup。TheappealhadsostirredmethatIcouldhardlywaitforthehatorplatetocomemyway。Ihadfourhundreddollarsinmypocket,andIwasanxioustodropitintheplateandwantedtoborrowmore。Buttheplatewassolongincomingmywaythatthefever—heatofbeneficencewasgoingdownlowerandlower—goingdownattherateofahundreddollarsaminute。Theplatewaspassedtoolate。Whenitfinallycametome,myenthusiasmhadgonedownsomuchthatIkeptmyfourhundreddollars—andstoleadimefromtheplate。So,yousee,timesometimesleadstocrime。
Oh,manyatimehaveIthoughtofthatandregrettedit,andI
adjureyoualltogivewhilethefeverisonyou。
Referringtowoman\'ssphereinlife,I\'llsaythatwomanisalwaysright。Fortwenty—fiveyearsI\'vebeenawoman\'srightsman。Ihavealwaysbelieved,longbeforemymotherdied,that,withhergrayhairsandadmirableintellect,perhapssheknewasmuchasIdid。PerhapssheknewasmuchaboutvotingasI。
Ishouldliketoseethetimecomewhenwomenshallhelptomakethelaws。Ishouldliketoseethatwhip—lash,theballot,inthehandsofwomen。Asforthiscity\'sgovernment,Idon\'twanttosaymuch,exceptthatitisashame—ashame;butifIshouldlivetwenty—fiveyearslonger—andthereisnoreasonwhyIshouldn\'t—IthinkI\'llseewomenhandletheballot。Ifwomenhadtheballotto—day,thestateofthingsinthistownwouldnotexist。
Ifallthewomeninthistownhadavoteto—daytheywouldelectamayoratthenextelection,andtheywouldriseintheirmightandchangetheawfulstateofthingsnowexistinghere。
WOMAN—ANOPINION。
ADDRESSATANEARLYBANQUETOFTHE
WASHINGTONCORRESPONDENTS\'CLUB。
Thetwelfthtoastwasasfollows:\"Woman—Theprideofanyprofession,andthejewelofours。\"
MR。PRESIDENT,—IdonotknowwhyIshouldbesingledouttoreceivethegreatestdistinctionoftheevening—forsotheofficeofreplyingtothetoastofwomanhasbeenregardedineveryage。IdonotknowwhyIhavereceivedthisdistinction,unlessitbethatIamatriflelesshomelythantheothermembersoftheclub。Butbethisasitmay,Mr。President,Iamproudoftheposition,andyoucouldnothavechosenanyonewhowouldhaveaccepteditmoregladly,orlaboredwithaheartiergood—willtodothesubjectjusticethanI—
because,sir,Ilovethesex。Iloveallthewomen,irrespectiveofageorcolor。
Humanintellectcannotestimatewhatweowetowoman,sir。Shesewsonourbuttons;shemendsourclothes;sheropesusinatthechurchfairs;sheconfidesinusshetellsuswhatevershecanfindoutaboutthelittleprivateaffairsoftheneighbors;shegivesusgoodadvice,andplentyofit;shesoothesourachingbrows;shebearsourchildren—oursasageneralthing。Inallrelationsoflife,sir,itisbutajustandgracefultributetowomantosayofherthatsheisabrick。
Wheresoeveryouplacewoman,sir—inwhateverpositionorestate—
sheisanornamenttotheplacesheoccupies,andatreasuretotheworld。[HereMr。Clemenspaused,lookedinquiringlyathishearers,andremarkedthattheapplauseshouldcomeinatthispoint。Itcamein。Heresumedhiseulogy。]LookatCleopatra！—lookatDesdemona！—
lookatFlorenceNightingale！—lookatJoanofArc！—lookatLucretiaBorgia！[Disapprobationexpressed。]Well[saidMr。Clemens,scratchinghishead,doubtfully],supposeweletLucretiaslide。
LookatJoyceHeth！—LookatMotherEve！Youneednotlookatherunlessyouwantto,but[saidMr。Clemens,reflectively,afterapause]Evewasornamental,sir—particularlybeforethefashionschanged。Irepeat,sir,lookattheillustriousnamesofhistory。LookattheWidowMachree！—LookatLucyStone！—lookatElizabethCadyStanton！—LookatGeorgeFrancisTrain！And,sir,Isayitwithbowedheadanddeepestveneration—lookatthemotherofWashington！