Ibeseechyou,frommeyourselfcounseltolet,executethesementionedreforms。Thenwillyouanelegantlanguagepossess,andafterward,whenyousomethingsaywill,willyouatleastyourselfunderstandwhatyousaidhad。Butoftennowadays,whenyouamile—longsentencefromyougivenandyouyourselfsomewhathaverested,thenmustyouhaveatouchinginquisitivenesshaveyourselftodeterminewhatyouactuallyspokenhave。Beforeseveraldayshasthecorrespondentofalocalpaperasentenceconstructedwhichhundredandtwelvewordscontain,andthereinweresevenparenthesessmuggledin,andthesubjectseventimeschanged。Thinkyouonly,mygentlemen,inthecourseofthevoyageofasinglesentencemustthepoor,persecuted,fatiguedsubjectseventimeschangeposition！
Now,whenwethementionedreformsexecute,willitnolongersobadbe。Dochnocheins。Imightgladlytheseparableverbalsoalittlebitreform。ImightnonedoletwhatSchillerdid:hehasthewholehistoryoftheThirtyYears\'Warbetweenthetwomembersofaseparableverbin—pushed。ThathasevenGermanyitselfaroused,andonehasSchillerthepermissionrefusedtheHistoryoftheHundredYears\'Wartocompose—Godbeitthanked！Afterallthesereformsestablishedbewill,willtheGermanlanguagethenoblestandtheprettiestontheworldbe。
Sincetoyounow,mygentlemen,thecharacterofmymissionknownis,beseechIyousofriendlytobeandtomeyourvaluablehelpgrant。Mr。PotzlhasthepublicbelievedmakewouldthatItoViennacomeaminorderthebridgestoclogupandthetraffictohinder,whileIobservationsgatherandnote。Allowyouyourselvesbutnotfromhimdeceived。Myfrequentpresenceonthebridgeshasanentirelyinnocentground。Yondergivesitthenecessaryspace,yondercanoneanoblelongGermansentenceelaborate,thebridge—railingalong,andhiswholecontentswithoneglanceoverlook。OntheoneendoftherailingpastedIthefirstmemberofaseparableverbandthefinalmembercleaveItotheotherend—thenspreadthebodyofthesentencebetweenitout！Usuallyareformypurposesthebridgesofthecitylongenough;whenIbutPotzl\'swritingsstudywillIrideoutandusethegloriousendlessimperialbridge。Butthisisacalumny;PotzlwritestheprettiestGerman。Perhapsnotsopliableasthemine,butinmanydetailsmuchbetter。Excuseyoutheseflatteries。Thesearewelldeserved。
NowImyspeechexecute—no,IwouldsayIbringhertotheclose。I
amaforeigner—buthere,underyou,haveIitentirelyforgotten。AndsoagainandyetagainprofferIyoumyheartiestthanks。
GERMANFORTHEHUNGARIANS。
ADDRESSATTHEJUBILEECELEBRATIONOFTHE
EMANCIPATIONOFTHEHUNGARIANPRESS,MARCH26,1899。
TheMinistryandmembersofParliamentwerepresent。Thesubjectwasthe\"Ausgleich\"—i。e。,thearrangementfortheapportionmentofthetaxesbetweenHungaryandAustria。Paragraph14oftheausgleichfixestheproportioneachcountrymustpaytothesupportofthearmy。Itistheparagraphwhichcausedthetroubleandpreventeditsrenewal。
NOWthatweareallheretogether,Ithinkitwillbeagoodideatoarrangetheausgleich。IfyouwillactforHungaryIshallbequitewillingtoactforAustria,andthisistheverytimeforit。Therecouldn\'tbeabetter,forweareallfeelingfriendly,fair—minded,andhospitablenow,andfullofadmirationforeachother,fullofconfidenceineachother,fullofthespiritofwelcome,fullofthegraceofforgiveness,andthedispositiontoletbygonesbebygones。
Letusnotwastethisgolden,thisbeneficent,thisprovidentialopportunity。Iamwillingtomakeanyconcessionyouwant,justsowegetitsettled。Iamnotonlywillingtoletgraincomeinfree,Iamwillingtopaythefreightonit,andyoumaysenddelegatestotheReichsrathifyoulike。AllIrequireisthattheyshallbequiet,peaceablepeoplelikeyourowndeputies,andnotdisturbourproceedings。
IfyouwanttheGegenseitigengeldbeitragendenverhaltnismassigkeitenrearrangedandreadjustedIamreadyforthat。Iwillletyouoffattwenty—eightpercent。—twenty—seven—eventwenty—fiveifyouinsist,forthereisnothingilliberalaboutmewhenIamoutonadiplomaticdebauch。
Now,inreturnfortheseconcessions,Iamwillingtotakeanythinginreason,andIthinkwemayconsiderthebusinesssettledandtheausgleichausgegloschenatlastfortensolidyears,andwewillsignthepapersinblank,anddoithereandnow。
Well,Iamunspeakablygladtohavethatausgleichoffmyhands。
Ithaskeptmeawakenightsforanderthalbjahr。
ButInevercouldsettleitbefore,becausealwayswhenIcalledattheForeignOfficeinViennatotalkaboutit,therewasn\'tanybodyathome,andthatisnotaplacewhereyoucangoinandseeforyourselfwhetheritisamistakeornot,becausethepersonwhotakescareofthefrontdoorthereisofasizethatdiscourageslibertyofactionandthefreespiritofinvestigation。Tothinktheausgleichisabgemachtatlast！Itisagrandandbeautifulconsummation,andIamgladIcame。
ThewayIfeelnowIdohonestlybelieveIwouldratherbejustmyownhumbleselfatthismomentthanparagraph14。
ANEWGERMANWORD。
ToaidalocalcharityMr。ClemensappearedbeforeafashionableaudienceinVienna,March10,1899,readinghissketch\"TheLucerneGirl,\"anddescribinghowhehadbeeninterviewedandridiculed。Hesaidinpart:
IHAVEnotsufficientlymasteredGermantoallowmyusingitwithimpunity。Mycollectionoffourteen—syllableGermanwordsisstillincomplete。ButIhavejustaddedtothatcollectionajewel—averitablejewel。IfounditinatelegramfromLinz,anditcontainsninety—fiveletters:
Personaleinkommensteuerschatzungskommissionsmitgliedsreisekosten—
rechnungserganzungsrevisionsfundIfIcouldgetasimilarwordengraveduponmytombstoneIshouldsleepbeneathitinpeace。
UNCONSCIOUSPLAGIARISM。
DELIVEREDATTHEDINNERGIVENBYTHEPUBLISHERSOF
\"THEATLANTICMONTHLY\"TOOLIVERWENDELLHOLMES
INHONOROFHISSEVENTIETHBIRTHDAY,AUGUST29,1879。
IWOULDhavetravelledamuchgreaterdistancethanIhavecometowitnessthepayingofhonorstoDoctorHolmes;formyfeelingtowardhimhasalwaysbeenoneofpeculiarwarmth。Whenonereceivesaletterfromagreatmanforthefirsttimeinhislife,itisalargeeventtohim,asallofyouknowbyyourownexperience。Younevercanreceivelettersenoughfromfamousmenafterwardtoobliteratethatone,ordimthememoryofthepleasantsurpriseitwas,andthegratificationitgaveyou。Lapseoftimecannotmakeitcommonplaceorcheap。
Well,thefirstgreatmanwhoeverwrotemealetterwasourguest—OliverWendellHolmes。HewasalsothefirstgreatliterarymanIeverstoleanythingfrom—andthatishowIcametowritetohimandhetome。Whenmyfirstbookwasnew,afriendofminesaidtome,\"Thededicationisveryneat。\"Yes,Isaid,Ithoughtitwas。Myfriendsaid,\"Ialwaysadmiredit,evenbeforeIsawitinTheInnocentsAbroad。\"Inaturallysaid:\"Whatdoyoumean？Wheredidyoueverseeitbefore？\"\"Well,IsawitfirstsomeyearsagoasDoctorHolmes\'sdedicationtohisSongsinManyKeys。\"Ofcourse,myfirstimpulsewastopreparethisman\'sremainsforburial,butuponreflectionIsaidIwouldreprievehimforamomentortwoandgivehimachancetoprovehisassertionifhecould。Westeppedintoabook—store,andhedidproveit。Ihadreallystolenthatdedication,almostwordforword。Icouldnotimaginehowthiscuriousthinghadhappened;forIknewonething—thatacertainamountofpridealwaysgoesalongwithateaspoonfulofbrains,andthatthisprideprotectsamanfromdeliberatelystealingotherpeople\'sideas。Thatiswhatateaspoonfulofbrainswilldoforaman—andadmirershadoftentoldmeIhadnearlyabasketful—thoughtheywereratherreservedastothesizeofthebasket。
However,Ithoughtthethingout,andsolvedthemystery。Twoyearsbefore,IhadbeenlaidupacoupleofweeksintheSandwichIslands,andhadreadandre—readDoctorHolmes\'spoemstillmymentalreservoirwasfilledupwiththemtothebrim。Thededicationlayonthetop,andhandy,so,by—and—by,Iunconsciouslystoleit。PerhapsI
unconsciouslystoletherestofthevolume,too,formanypeoplehavetoldmethatmybookwasprettypoetical,inonewayoranother。Well,ofcourse,IwroteDoctorHolmesandtoldhimI
hadn\'tmeanttosteal,andhewrotebackandsaidinthekindestwaythatitwasallrightandnoharmdone;andaddedthathebelievedweallunconsciouslyworkedoverideasgatheredinreadingandhearing,imaginingtheywereoriginalwithourselves。Hestatedatruth,anddiditinsuchapleasantway,andsalvedovermysorespotsogentlyandsohealingly,thatIwasrathergladIhadcommittedthecrime,forthesakeoftheletter。Iafterwardcalledonhimandtoldhimtomakeperfectlyfreewithanyideasofminethatstruckhimasbeinggoodprotoplasmforpoetry。Hecouldseebythatthattherewasn\'tanythingmeanaboutme;sowegotalongrightfromthestart。I
havenotmetDoctorHolmesmanytimessince;andlatelyhesaid—
However,IamwanderingwildlyawayfromtheonethingwhichIgotonmyfeettodo;thatis,tomakemycomplimentstoyou,myfellow—teachersofthegreatpublic,andlikewisetosaythatIamrightgladtoseethatDoctorHolmesisstillinhisprimeandfullofgenerouslife;andasageisnotdeterminedbyyears,butbytroubleandinfirmitiesofmindandbody,Ihopeitmaybeaverylongtimeyetbeforeanyonecantruthfullysay,\"Heisgrowingold。\"
THEWEATHER。
ADDRESSATTHENEWENGLANDSOCIETY\'SSEVENTY—FIRST
ANNUALDINNER,NEWYORKCITY。
Thenexttoastwas:\"TheOldestInhabitant—TheWeatherofNewEngland。\"
Whocanloseitandforgetit？
Whocanhaveitandregretit？
\"Beinterposer\'twixtusTwain。\"
—MerchantofVenice。
IREVERENTLYbelievethattheMakerwhomadeusallmakeseverythinginNewEnglandbuttheweather。Idon\'tknowwhomakesthat,butI
thinkitmustberawapprenticesintheweather—clerk\'sfactorywhoexperimentandlearnhow,inNewEngland,forboardandclothes,andthenarepromotedtomakeweatherforcountriesthatrequireagoodarticle,andwilltaketheircustomelsewhereiftheydon\'tgetit。
ThereisasumptuousvarietyabouttheNewEnglandweatherthatcompelsthestranger\'sadmiration—andregret。Theweatherisalwaysdoingsomethingthere;alwaysattendingstrictlytobusiness;alwaysgettingupnewdesignsandtryingthemonthepeopletoseehowtheywillgo。Butitgetsthroughmorebusinessinspringthaninanyotherseason。InthespringIhavecountedonehundredandthirty—sixdifferentkindsofweatherinsideoffour—and—twentyhours。ItwasI
thatmadethefameandfortuneofthatmanthathadthatmarvellouscollectionofweatheronexhibitionattheCentennial,thatsoastoundedtheforeigners。Hewasgoingtotravelallovertheworldandgetspecimensfromalltheclimes。Isaid,\"Don\'tyoudoit;youcometoNewEnglandonafavorablespringday。\"Itoldhimwhatwecoulddointhewayofstyle,variety,andquantity。Well,hecameandhemadehiscollectioninfourdays。Astovariety,why,heconfessedthathegothundredsofkindsofweatherthathehadneverheardofbefore。Andastoquantity—well,afterhehadpickedoutanddiscardedallthatwasblemishedinanyway,henotonlyhadweatherenough,butweathertospare;weathertohireout;weathertosell;todeposit;weathertoinvest;weathertogivetothepoor。ThepeopleofNewEnglandarebynaturepatientandforbearing,buttherearesomethingswhichtheywillnotstand。Everyyeartheykillalotofpoetsforwritingabout\"BeautifulSpring。\"Thesearegenerallycasualvisitors,whobringtheirnotionsofspringfromsomewhereelse,andcannot,ofcourse,knowhowthenativesfeelaboutspring。Andsothefirstthingtheyknowtheopportunitytoinquirehowtheyfeelhaspermanentlygoneby。OldProbabilitieshasamightyreputationforaccurateprophecy,andthoroughlywelldeservesit。Youtakeupthepaperandobservehowcrisplyandconfidentlyhechecksoffwhatto—day\'sweatherisgoingtobeonthePacific,downSouth,intheMiddleStates,intheWisconsinregion。SeehimsailalonginthejoyandprideofhispowertillhegetstoNewEngland,andthenseehistaildrop。Hedoesn\'tknowwhattheweatherisgoingtobeinNewEngland。Well,hemullsoverit,andby—and—byhegetsoutsomethingaboutlikethis:Probablynortheasttosouthwestwinds,varyingtothesouthwardandwestwardandeastward,andpointsbetween,highandlowbarometerswappingaroundfromplacetoplace;
probableareasofrain,snow,hail,anddrought,succeededorprecededbyearthquakes,withthunderandlightning。Thenhejotsdownhispostscriptfromhiswanderingmind,tocoveraccidents。\"Butitispossiblethattheprogrammemaybewhollychangedinthemeantime。\"
Yes,oneofthebrightestgemsintheNewEnglandweatheristhedazzlinguncertaintyofit。Thereisonlyonethingcertainaboutit:youarecertainthereisgoingtobeplentyofit—aperfectgrandreview;butyounevercantellwhichendoftheprocessionisgoingtomovefirst。Youfixupforthedrought;youleaveyourumbrellainthehouseandsallyout,andtwotooneyougetdrowned。Youmakeupyourmindthattheearthquakeisdue;youstandfromunder,andtakeholdofsomethingtosteadyyourself,andthefirstthingyouknowyougetstruckbylightning。Thesearegreatdisappointments;buttheycan\'tbehelped。Thelightningthereispeculiar;itissoconvincing,thatwhenitstrikesathingitdoesn\'tleaveenoughofthatthingbehindforyoutotellwhether—Well,you\'dthinkitwassomethingvaluable,andaCongressmanhadbeenthere。Andthethunder。Whenthethunderbeginstomerelytuneupandscrapeandsaw,andkeyuptheinstrumentsfortheperformance,strangerssay,\"Why,whatawfulthunderyouhavehere！\"Butwhenthebatonisraisedandtherealconcertbegins,you\'llfindthatstrangerdowninthecellarwithhisheadintheash—barrel。NowastothesizeoftheweatherinNewEngland—lengthways,Imean。Itisutterlydisproportionedtothesizeofthatlittlecountry。Halfthetime,whenitispackedasfullasitcanstick,youwillseethatNewEnglandweatherstickingoutbeyondtheedgesandprojectingaroundhundredsandhundredsofmilesovertheneighboringStates。Shecan\'tholdatenthpartofherweather。
Youcanseecracksallaboutwhereshehasstrainedherselftryingtodoit。IcouldspeakvolumesabouttheinhumanperversityoftheNewEnglandweather,butIwillgivebutasinglespecimen。Iliketohearrainonatinroof。SoIcoveredpartofmyroofwithtin,withaneyetothatluxury。Well,sir,doyouthinkiteverrainsonthattin？No,sir;skipsiteverytime。Mind,inthisspeechIhavebeentryingmerelytodohonortotheNewEnglandweather—nolanguagecoulddoitjustice。But,afterall,thereisatleastoneortwothingsaboutthatweather（or,ifyouplease,effectsproducedbyit）whichweresidentswouldnotliketopartwith。Ifwehadn\'tourbewitchingautumnfoliage,weshouldstillhavetocredittheweatherwithonefeaturewhichcompensatesforallitsbullyingvagaries—theice—storm:whenaleaflesstreeisclothedwithicefromthebottomtothetop—icethatisasbrightandclearascrystal;
wheneveryboughandtwigisstrungwithice—beads,frozendew—drops,andthewholetreesparklescoldandwhite,liketheShahofPersia\'sdiamondplume。Thenthewindwavesthebranchesandthesuncomesoutandturnsallthosemyriadsofbeadsanddropstoprismsthatglowandburnandflashwithallmannerofcoloredfires,whichchangeandchangeagainwithinconceivablerapidityfrombluetored,fromredtogreen,andgreentogold—thetreebecomesasprayingfountain,averyexplosionofdazzlingjewels;anditstandstheretheacme,theclimax,thesupremestpossibilityinartornature,ofbewildering,intoxicating,intolerablemagnificence。Onecannotmakethewordstoostrong。
THEBABIES。
DELIVEREDATTHEBANQUET,INCHICAGO,GIVEN
BYTHEARMYOFTHETENNESSEETOTHEIR
FIRSTCOMMANDERGENERALU。S。
GRANT,NOVEMBER,1879。
Thefifteenthregulartoastwas\"TheBabies。—Astheycomfortusinoursorrows,letusnotforgettheminourfestivities。\"
ILIKEthat。Wehavenotallhadthegoodfortunetobeladies。Wehavenotallbeengenerals,orpoets,orstatesmen;butwhenthetoastworksdowntothebabies,westandoncommonground。Itisashamethatforathousandyearstheworld\'sbanquetshaveutterlyignoredthebaby,asifhedidn\'tamounttoanything。Ifyouwillstopandthinkaminute—ifyouwillgobackfiftyoronehundredyearstoyourearlymarriedlifeandrecontemplateyourfirstbaby—youwillrememberthatheamountedtoagooddeal,andevensomethingover。Yousoldiersallknowthatwhenthatlittlefellowarrivedatfamilyheadquartersyouhadtohandinyourresignation。Hetookentirecommand。Youbecamehislackey,hismerebody—servant,andyouhadtostandaroundtoo。Hewasnotacommanderwhomadeallowancesfortime,distance,weather,oranythingelse。Youhadtoexecutehisorderwhetheritwaspossibleornot。Andtherewasonlyoneformofmarchinginhismanualoftactics,andthatwasthedouble—quick。Hetreatedyouwitheverysortofinsolenceanddisrespect,andthebravestofyoudidn\'tdaretosayaword。Youcouldfacethedeath—stormatDonelsonandVicksburg,andgivebackblowforblow;
butwhenheclawedyourwhiskers,andpulledyourhair,andtwistedyournose,youhadtotakeit。Whenthethundersofwarweresoundinginyourearsyousetyourfacestowardthebatteries,andadvancedwithsteadytread;butwhenheturnedontheterrorsofhiswar—whoopyouadvancedintheotherdirection,andmightygladofthechance,too。Whenhecalledforsoothing—syrup,didyouventuretothrowoutanyside—remarksaboutcertainservicesbeingunbecominganofficerandagentleman？No。Yougotupandgotit。Whenheorderedhispapbottleanditwasnotwarm,didyoutalkback？Notyou。Youwenttoworkandwarmedit。Youevendescendedsofarinyourmenialofficeastotakeasuckatthatwarm,insipidstuffyourself,toseeifitwasright—threepartswatertooneofmilk,atouchofsugartomodifythecolic,andadropofpepperminttokillthoseimmortalhiccoughs。Icantastethatstuffyet。Andhowmanythingsyoulearnedasyouwentalong！Sentimentalyoungfolksstilltakestockinthatbeautifuloldsayingthatwhenthebabysmilesinhissleep,itisbecausetheangelsarewhisperingtohim。Verypretty,buttoothin—simplywindonthestomach,myfriends。Ifthebabyproposedtotakeawalkathisusualhour,twoo\'clockinthemorning,didn\'tyouriseuppromptlyandremark,withamentaladditionwhichwouldnotimproveaSunday—schoolbookmuch,thatthatwastheverythingyouwereabouttoproposeyourself？Oh！youwereundergooddiscipline,andasyouwentflutteringupanddowntheroominyourundressuniform,younotonlyprattledundignifiedbaby—talk,buteventunedupyourmartialvoicesandtriedtosing！—Rock—a—byBabyintheTree—top,forinstance。WhataspectacleforanArmyoftheTennessee！
Andwhatanafflictionfortheneighbors,too;foritisnoteverybodywithinamilearoundthatlikesmilitarymusicatthreeinthemorning。Andwhenyouhadbeenkeepingthissortofthinguptwoorthreehours,andyourlittlevelvet—headintimatedthatnothingsuitedhimlikeexerciseandnoise,whatdidyoudo？Yousimplywentonuntilyoudroppedinthelastditch。Theideathatababydoesn\'tamounttoanything！Why,onebabyisjustahouseandafrontyardfullbyitself。OnebabycanfurnishmorebusinessthanyouandyourwholeInteriorDepartmentcanattendto。Heisenterprising,irrepressible,。
brimfuloflawlessactivities。Dowhatyouplease,youcan\'tmakehimstayonthereservation。Sufficientuntothedayisonebaby。Aslongasyouareinyourrightminddon\'tyoueverprayfortwins。
Twinsamounttoapermanentriot。Andthereain\'tanyrealdifferencebetweentripletsandaninsurrection。
Yes,itwashightimeforatoast—mastertorecognizetheimportanceofthebabies。Thinkwhatisinstoreforthepresentcrop！Fiftyyearsfromnowweshallallbedead,Itrust,andthenthisflag,ifitstillsurvive（andletushopeitmay）,willbefloatingoveraRepublicnumbering200,000,000souls,accordingtothesettledlawsofourincrease。OurpresentschoonerofStatewillhavegrownintoapoliticalleviathan—aGreatEastern。Thecradledbabiesofto—daywillbeondeck。Letthembewelltrained,forwearegoingtoleaveabigcontractontheirhands。Amongthethreeorfourmillioncradlesnowrockinginthelandaresomewhichthisnationwouldpreserveforagesassacredthings,ifwecouldknowwhichonestheyare。InoneofthesecradlestheunconsciousFarragutofthefutureisatthismomentteething—thinkofit！—andputtinginaworldofdeadearnest,unarticulated,butperfectlyjustifiableprofanityoverit,too。InanotherthefuturerenownedastronomerisblinkingattheshiningMilkyWaywithbutalanguidinterest—poorlittlechap！—andwonderingwhathasbecomeofthatotheronetheycallthewet—nurse。
Inanotherthefuturegreathistorianislying—anddoubtlesswillcontinuetolieuntilhisearthlymissionisended。InanotherthefuturePresidentisbusyinghimselfwithnoprofounderproblemofstatethanwhatthemischiefhasbecomeofhishairsoearly;andinamightyarrayofothercradlestherearenowsome60,000futureoffice—seekers,gettingreadytofurnishhimoccasiontograpplewiththatsameoldproblemasecondtime。Andinstillonemorecradle,somewhereundertheflag,thefutureillustriouscommander—in—chiefoftheAmericanarmiesissolittleburdenedwithhisapproachinggrandeursandresponsibilitiesastobegivinghiswholestrategicmindatthismomenttotryingtofindoutsomewaytogethisbigtoeintohismouth—anachievementwhich,meaningnodisrespect,theillustriousguestofthiseveningturnedhisentireattentiontosomefifty—sixyearsago;andifthechildisbutaprophecyoftheman,therearemightyfewwhowilldoubtthathesucceeded。
OURCHILDRENANDGREATDISCOVERIES。
DELIVEREDATTHEAUTHORS\'CLUB,NEWYORK。
OURchildren—yours—and—mine。Theyseemlikelittlethingstotalkabout—ourchildren,butlittlethingsoftenmakeupthesumofhumanlife—that\'sagoodsentence。Irepeatit,littlethingsoftenproducegreatthings。Now,toillustrate,takeSirIsaacNewton—I
presumesomeofyouhaveheardofMr。Newton。Well,oncewhenSirIsaacNewton—amerelad—gotoverintotheman\'sappleorchard—I
don\'tknowwhathewasdoingthere—Ididn\'tcomeallthewayfromHartfordtoq—u—e—s—t—i—o—nMr。Newton\'shonesty—butwhenhewasthere—inthemainorchard—hesawanapplefallandhewasa—t—t—ractedtowardit,andthatledtothediscovery—notofMr。
Newton—butofthegreatlawofattractionandgravitation。
Andtherewasonceanothergreatdiscoverer—I\'veforgottenhisname,andIdon\'trememberwhathediscovered,butIknowitwassomethingveryimportant,andIhopeyouwillalltellyourchildrenaboutitwhenyougethome。Well,whenthegreatdiscovererwasonceloafin\'arounddowninVirginia,anda—puttin\'inhistimeflirtingwithPocahontas—oh！CaptainJohnSmith,thatwastheman\'sname—
andwhileheandPocaweresittinginMr。Powhatan\'sgarden,heaccidentallyputhisarmaroundherandpickedsomething—asimpleweed,whichprovedtobetobacco—andnowwefinditineveryChristianfamily,sheddingitscivilizinginfluencebroadcastthroughoutthewholereligiouscommunity。
Nowtherewasanothergreatman,Ican\'tthinkofhisnameeither,whousedtoloafaroundandwatchthegreatchandelierinthecathedralatPisa,whichsethimtothinkingaboutthegreatlawofgunpowder,andeventuallyledtothediscoveryofthecotton—gin。
Now,Idon\'tsaythisasaninducementforouryoungmentoloafaroundlikeMr。NewtonandMr。GalileoandCaptainSmith,buttheywereoncelittlebabiestwodaysold,andtheyshowwhatlittlethingshavesometimesaccomplished。
EDUCATINGTHEATRE—GOERS。
ThechildrenoftheEducationalAlliancegaveaperformanceof\"ThePrinceandthePauper\"ontheafternoonofApril14,1907,inthetheatreoftheAllianceBuildinginEastBroadway。Theaudiencewascomposedofnearlyonethousandchildrenoftheneighborhood。Mr。
Clemens,Mr。Howells,andMr。DanielFrohmanwereamongtheinvitedguests。
IHAVEnotenjoyedaplaysomuch,soheartily,andsothoroughlysinceIplayedMilesHendontwenty—twoyearsago。Iusedtoplayinthispiece（\"ThePrinceandthePauper\"）withmychildren,who,twenty—twoyearsago,werelittleyoungsters。OneofmydaughterswasthePrince,andaneighbor\'sdaughterwasthePauper,andthechildrenofotherneighborsplayedotherparts。Butwenevergavesuchaperformanceaswehaveseenhereto—day。Itwouldhavebeenbeyondus。
Mylatewifewasthedramatistandstage—manager。Ourcoachmanwasthestage—manager,secondincommand。Weusedtoplayitinthissimpleway,andtheonewhousedtobringinthecrownonacushion—
hewasalittlefellowthen—isnowaclergymanwayuphigh—sixorsevenfeethigh—andgrowinghigherallthetime。Weplayeditwell,butnotaswellasyouseeithere,foryouseeitdonebypracticallytrainedprofessionals。
Iwasespeciallyinterestedinthescenewhichwehavejusthad,forMilesHendonwasmypart。Ididitaswellasapersoncouldwhoneverrememberedhispart。Thechildrenallknewtheirparts。TheydidnotmindifIdidnotknowmine。Icouldthreadaneedlenearlyaswellastheplayerdidwhomyousawto—day。ThewordsofmypartIcouldsupplyonthespot。ThewordsofthesongthatMilesHendonsanghereIdidnotcatch。ButIwasgreatinthatsong。
[ThenMr。Clemenshummedabitofdoggerelthatthereportermadeoutasthis:
\"Therewasawomaninhertown,Shelovedherhusbandwell,Butanothermanjusttwiceaswell。\"
\"Howisthat？\"demandedMr。Clemens。Thenresuming:]
ItwassofreshandenjoyabletomakeupanewsetofwordseachtimethatIplayedthepart。
IfIhadathousandcitizensinfrontofme,Iwouldliketogivetheminformation,butyouchildrenalreadyknowallthatIhavefoundoutabouttheEducationalAlliance。It\'slikeamanlivingwithinthirtymilesofVesuviusandneverknowingaboutavolcano。
It\'slikelivingforalifetimeinBuffalo,eighteenmilesfromNiagara,andnevergoingtoseetheFalls。SoIhadlivedinNewYorkandknewnothingabouttheEducationalAlliance。
Thistheatreisapartofthework,andfurnishespureandcleanplays。Thistheatreisaninfluence。Everythingintheworldisaccomplishedbyinfluenceswhichtrainandeducate。Whenyougettobeseventy—oneandahalf,asIam,youmaythinkthatyoureducationisover,butitisn\'t。
Ifwehadfortytheatresofthiskindinthiscityoffourmillions,howtheywouldeducateandelevate！Weshouldhaveabodyofeducatedtheatre—goers。
Itwouldmakebettercitizens,honestcitizens。Oneofthebestgiftsamillionairecouldmakewouldbeatheatrehereandatheatrethere。ItwouldmakeofyouarealRepublic,andbringaboutaneducationallevel。
THEEDUCATIONALTHEATRE。
OnNovember19,1907,Mr。Clemensentertainedapartyofsixorsevenhundredofhisfriends,invitingthemtowitnesstherepresentationof\"ThePrinceandthePauper,\"playedbyboysandgirlsoftheEastSideattheChildren\'sEducationalTheatre,NewYork。
JUSTawordortwotoletyouknowhowdeeplyIappreciatethehonorwhichthechildrenwhoaretheactorsandfrequentersofthiscozyplayhousehaveconferreduponme。TheyhaveaskedmetobetheirambassadortoinvitetheheartsandbrainsofNewYorktocomedownhereandseetheworktheyaredoing。Iconsideritagranddistinctiontobechosenastheirintermediary。Betweenthechildrenandmyselfthereisanindissolublebondoffriendship。
Iamproudofthistheatreandthisperformance—proud,becauseIamnaturallyvain—vainofmyselfandproudofthechildren。
Iwishwecouldreachmorechildrenatonetime。IamgladtoseethatthechildrenoftheEastSidehaveturnedtheirbacksontheBowerytheatrestocometoseethepureentertainmentspresentedhere。
ThisChildren\'sTheatreisagreateducationalinstitution。Ihopethetimewillcomewhenitwillbepartofeverypublicschoolintheland。Imaybepardonedinbeingvain。Iwasbornvain,Iguess。
[Atthispointthestage—manager\'swhistleinterruptedMr。Clemens。]
Thatsettlesit;there\'smycuetostop。Iwastotalkuntilthewhistleblew,butitblewbeforeIgotstarted。Ittakesmelongertogetstartedthanmostpeople。IguessIwasbornatslowspeed。
Mytimeisup,andifyou\'llkeepquietfortwominutesI\'lltellyousomethingaboutMissHerts,thewomanwhoconceivedthissplendididea。Sheistheoriginatorandthecreatorofthistheatre。Educationally,thisinstitutioncoinsthegoldofyoungheartsintoexternalgood。
[OnApril23,1908,hespokeagainatthesameplace]
Iwillbestrictlyhonestwithyou;Iamonlyfittobehonorarypresident。ItisnottobeexpectedthatIshouldbeusefulasarealpresident。ButwhenitcomestothingsornamentalI,ofcourse,havenoobjection。Thereis,ofcourse,nocompetition。Itakeitasaveryrealcomplimentbecausetherearethousandsofchildrenwhohavehadapartinthisrequest。Itispromotionintruth。
Itisathingworthdoingthatisdonehere。Youhaveseenthechildrenplay。YousawhowlittleSallyreformedherburglar。Shecouldreformanyburglar。Shecouldreformme。Thisistheonlyschoolinwhichcanbetaughtthehighestandmostdifficultlessons—morals。
Inotherschoolsthewayofteachingmoralsisrevolting。Herethechildrenwhocomeinthousandslivethrougheachpart。
Theyareterriblyanxiousforthevillaintogethisbullet,andthatItaketobeahumaneandpropersentiment。Theyspendfreelythetencentsthatisnotsavedwithoutastruggle。Itcomesoutofthecandymoney,andthemoneythatgoesforchewing—gumandothernecessariesoflife。Theymakethesacrificefreely。Thisistheonlyschoolwhichtheyaresorrytoleave。
POETSASPOLICEMEN。
Mr。ClemenswasoneofthespeakersattheLotosClubdinnertoGovernorOdell,March24,1900。Thepoliceproblemwasreferredtoatlength。
LETusabolishpolicemenwhocarryclubsandrevolvers,andputinasquadofpoetsarmedtotheteethwithpoemsonSpringandLove。I
wouldbeverygladtoserveascommissioner,notbecauseIthinkI
amespeciallyqualified,butbecauseIamtootiredtoworkandwouldliketotakearest。
Howellswouldgowellasmydeputy。Heistiredtoo,andneedsarestbadly。