Isurveyedhim。ItseemedIhadfoundabrother:oneI
couldbeproudof,—oneIcouldlove;andtwosisters,whosequalitiesweresuch,that,whenIknewthembutasmerestrangers,theyhadinspiredmewithgenuineaffectionandadmiration。Thetwogirls,onwhom,kneelingdownonthewetground,andlookingthroughthelow,latticedwindowofMoorHousekitchen,Ihadgazedwithsobitteramixtureofinterestanddespair,weremynearkinswomen;andtheyoungandstatelygentlemanwhohadfoundmealmostdyingathisthresholdwasmybloodrelation。Gloriousdiscoverytoalonelywretch!Thiswaswealthindeed!—wealthtotheheart!—amineofpure,genialaffections。Thiswasablessing,bright,vivid,andexhilarating;—notliketheponderousgiftofgold:richandwelcomeenoughinitsway,butsoberingfromitsweight。Inowclappedmyhandsinsuddenjoy—
mypulsebounded,myveinsthrilled。
\'Oh,Iamglad!—Iamglad!\'Iexclaimed。
St。Johnsmiled。\'DidInotsayyouneglectedessentialpointstopursuetrifles?\'heasked。\'YouwereseriouswhenItoldyouyouhadgotafortune;andnow,foramatterofnomoment,youareexcited。\'
\'Whatcanyoumean?Itmaybeofnomomenttoyou;youhavesistersanddon\'tcareforacousin;butIhadnobody;andnowthreerelations,—ortwo,ifyoudon\'tchoosetobecounted,—arebornintomyworldfull—grown。Isayagain,Iamglad!\'
Iwalkedfastthroughtheroom:Istopped,halfsuffocatedwiththethoughtsthatrosefasterthanIcouldreceive,comprehend,settlethem:—thoughtsofwhatmight,could,would,andshouldbe,andthaterelong。Ilookedattheblankwall:itseemedaskythickwithascendingstars,—everyonelitmetoapurposeordelight。Thosewhohadsavedmylife,whom,tillthishour,Ihadlovedbarrenly,I
couldnowbenefit。Theywereunderayoke,—Icouldfreethem:theywerescattered,—Icouldreunitethem:theindependence,theaffluencewhichwasmine,mightbetheirstoo。Werewenotfour?Twentythousandpoundssharedequally,wouldbefivethousandeach,—enoughandtospare:justicewouldbedone,—mutualhappinesssecured。Nowthewealthdidnotweighonme:nowitwasnotamerebequestofcoin,—
itwasalegacyoflife,hope,enjoyment。
HowIlookedwhiletheseideasweretakingmyspiritbystorm,I
cannottell;butIperceivedsoonthatMr。Rivershadplacedachairbehindme,andwasgentlyattemptingtomakemesitdownonit。Healsoadvisedmetobecomposed;Iscornedtheinsinuationofhelplessnessanddistraction,shookoffhishand,andbegantowalkaboutagain。
\'WritetoDianaandMaryto—morrow,\'Isaid,\'andtellthemtocomehomedirectly。Dianasaidtheywouldbothconsiderthemselvesrichwithathousandpounds,sowithfivethousandtheywilldoverywell。\'
\'TellmewhereIcangetyouaglassofwater,\'saidSt。
John;\'youmustreallymakeanefforttotranquilliseyourfeelings。\'
\'Nonsense!andwhatsortofaneffectwillthebequesthaveonyou?
WillitkeepyouinEngland,induceyoutomarryMissOliver,andsettledownlikeanordinarymortal?\'
\'Youwander:yourheadbecomesconfused。Ihavebeentooabruptincommunicatingthenews;ithasexcitedyoubeyondyourstrength。\'
\'Mr。Rivers!youquiteputmeoutofpatience:Iamrationalenough;itisyouwhomisunderstand,orratherwhoaffecttomisunderstand。\'
\'Perhaps,ifyouexplainedyourselfalittlemorefully,Ishouldcomprehendbetter。\'
\'Explain!Whatistheretoexplain?Youcannotfailtoseethattwentythousandpounds,thesuminquestion,dividedequallybetweenthenephewandthreeniecesofouruncle,willgivefivethousandtoeach?WhatIwantis,thatyoushouldwritetoyoursistersandtellthemofthefortunethathasaccruedtothem。\'
\'Toyou,youmean。\'
\'Ihaveintimatedmyviewofthecase:Iamincapableoftakinganyother。Iamnotbrutallyselfish,blindlyunjust,orfiendishlyungrateful。Besides,IamresolvedIwillhaveahomeandconnections。
IlikeMoorHouse,andIwillliveatMoorHouse;IlikeDianaandMary,andIwillattachmyselfforlifetoDianaandMary。Itwouldpleaseandbenefitmetohavefivethousandpounds;itwouldtormentandoppressmetohavetwentythousand;which,moreover,couldneverbemineinjustice,thoughitmightinlaw。Iabandontoyou,then,whatisabsolutelysuperfluoustome。Lettherebenoopposition,andnodiscussionaboutit;letusagreeamongsteachother,anddecidethepointatonce。\'
\'Thisisactingonfirstimpulses;youmusttakedaystoconsidersuchamatter,ereyourwordcanberegardedasvalid。\'
\'Oh!ifallyoudoubtismysincerity,Iameasy:youseethejusticeofthecase?\'
\'Idoseeacertainjustice;butitiscontrarytoallcustom。
Besides,theentirefortuneisyourright:myunclegaineditbyhisownefforts;hewasfreetoleaveittowhomhewould:heleftittoyou。Afterall,justicepermitsyoutokeepit:youmay,withaclearconscience,consideritabsolutelyyourown。\'
\'Withme,\'saidI,\'itisfullyasmuchamatteroffeelingasofconscience:Imustindulgemyfeelings;Isoseldomhavehadanopportunityofdoingso。Wereyoutoargue,object,andannoymeforayear,IcouldnotforegothedeliciouspleasureofwhichIhavecaughtaglimpse—thatofrepaying,inpart,amightyobligation,andwinningtomyselflife—longfriends。\'
\'Youthinksonow,\'rejoinedSt。John,\'becauseyoudonotknowwhatitistopossess,norconsequentlytoenjoywealth:youcannotformanotionoftheimportancetwentythousandpoundswouldgiveyou;
oftheplaceitwouldenableyoutotakeinsociety;oftheprospectsitwouldopentoyou:youcannot—\'
\'Andyou,\'Iinterrupted,\'cannotatallimaginethecravingIhaveforfraternalandsisterlylove。Ineverhadahome,Ineverhadbrothersorsisters;Imustandwillhavethemnow:youarenotreluctanttoadmitmeandownme,areyou?\'
\'Jane,Iwillbeyourbrother—mysisterswillbeyoursisters—
withoutstipulatingforthissacrificeofyourjustrights。\'
\'Brother?Yes;atthedistanceofathousandleagues!Sisters?
Yes;
slavingamongststrangers!I,wealthy—gorgedwithgoldIneverearnedanddonotmerit!You,penniless!Famousequalityandfraternisation!Closeunion!Intimateattachment!\'
\'But,Jane,youraspirationsafterfamilytiesanddomestichappinessmayberealisedotherwisethanbythemeansyoucontemplate:
youmaymarry。\'
\'Nonsense,again!Marry!Idon\'twanttomarry,andnevershallmarry。\'
\'Thatissayingtoomuch:suchhazardousaffirmationsareaproofoftheexcitementunderwhichyoulabour。\'
\'Itisnotsayingtoomuch:IknowwhatIfeel,andhowaversearemyinclinationstothebarethoughtofmarriage。Noonewouldtakemeforlove;andIwillnotberegardedinthelightofameremoneyspeculation。AndIdonotwantastranger—unsympathising,alien,differentfromme;Iwantmykindred:thosewithwhomIhavefullfellow—feeling。Sayagainyouwillbemybrother:whenyouutteredthewordsIwassatisfied,happy;repeatthem,ifyoucan,repeatthemsincerely。\'
\'IthinkIcan。IknowIhavealwayslovedmyownsisters;
andI
knowonwhatmyaffectionforthemisgrounded,—respectfortheirworthandadmirationoftheirtalents。Youtoohaveprincipleandmind:yourtastesandhabitsresembleDiana\'sandMary\'s;yourpresenceisalwaysagreeabletome;inyourconversationIhavealreadyforsometimefoundasalutarysolace。IfeelIcaneasilyandnaturallymakeroominmyheartforyou,asmythirdandyoungestsister。\'
\'Thankyou:thatcontentsmeforto—night。Nowyouhadbettergo;
forifyoustaylonger,youwillperhapsirritatemeafreshbysomemistrustfulscruple。\'
\'Andtheschool,MissEyre?Itmustnowbeshutup,Isuppose?\'
\'No。Iwillretainmypostofmistresstillyougetasubstitute。\'
Hesmiledapprobation:weshookhands,andhetookleave。
IneednotnarrateindetailthefurtherstrugglesIhad,andargumentsIused,togetmattersregardingthelegacysettledasI
wished。Mytaskwasaveryhardone;but,asIwasabsolutelyresolved—asmycousinssawatlengththatmymindwasreallyandimmutablyfixedonmakingajustdivisionoftheproperty—astheymustintheirownheartshavefelttheequityoftheintention;andmust,besides,havebeeninnatelyconsciousthatinmyplacetheywouldhavedonepreciselywhatIwishedtodo—theyyieldedatlengthsofarastoconsenttoputtheaffairtoarbitration。ThejudgeschosenwereMr。Oliverandanablelawyer:bothcoincidedinmyopinion:Icarriedmypoint。Theinstrumentsoftransferweredrawnout:St。John,Diana,Mary,andI,eachbecamepossessedofacompetency。
chapter34
CHAPTERXXXIV
ITwasnearChristmasbythetimeallwassettled:theseasonofgeneralholidayapproached。InowclosedMortonschool,takingcarethatthepartingshouldnotbebarrenonmyside。Goodfortuneopensthehandaswellastheheartwonderfully;andtogivesomewhatwhenwehavelargelyreceived,isbuttoaffordaventtotheunusualebullitionofthesensations。Ihadlongfeltwithpleasurethatmanyofmyrusticscholarslikedme,andwhenweparted,thatconsciousnesswasconfirmed:theymanifestedtheiraffectionplainlyandstrongly。DeepwasmygratificationtofindIhadreallyaplaceintheirunsophisticatedhearts:IpromisedthemthatneveraweekshouldpassinfuturethatIdidnotvisitthem,andgivethemanhour\'steachingintheirschool。
Mr。Riverscameupas,havingseentheclasses,nownumberingsixtygirls,fileoutbeforeme,andlockedthedoor,Istoodwiththekeyinmyhand,exchangingafewwordsofspecialfarewellwithsomehalf—dozenofmybestscholars:asdecent,respectable,modest,andwell—informedyoungwomenascouldbefoundintheranksoftheBritishpeasantry。Andthatissayingagreatdeal;forafterall,theBritishpeasantryarethebesttaught,bestmannered,mostself—respectingofanyinEurope:sincethosedaysIhaveseenpaysannesandBauerinnen;andthebestofthemseemedtomeignorant,coarse,andbesotted,comparedwithmyMortongirls。
\'Doyouconsideryouhavegotyourrewardforaseasonofexertion?\'askedMr。Rivers,whentheyweregone。\'Doesnottheconsciousnessofhavingdonesomerealgoodinyourdayandgenerationgivepleasure?\'
\'Doubtless。\'
\'Andyouhaveonlytoiledafewmonths!Wouldnotalifedevotedtothetaskofregeneratingyourracebewellspent?\'
\'Yes,\'Isaid;\'butIcouldnotgoonforeverso:Iwanttoenjoymyownfacultiesaswellastocultivatethoseofotherpeople。Imustenjoythemnow;don\'trecalleithermymindorbodytotheschool;Iamoutofitanddisposedforfullholiday。\'
Helookedgrave。\'Whatnow?Whatsuddeneagernessisthisyouevince?Whatareyougoingtodo?\'
\'Tobeactive:asactiveasIcan。AndfirstImustbegyoutosetHannahatliberty,andgetsomebodyelsetowaitonyou。\'
\'Doyouwanther?\'
\'Yes,togowithmetoMoorHouse。DianaandMarywillbeathomeinaweek,andIwanttohaveeverythinginorderagainsttheirarrival。\'
\'Iunderstand。Ithoughtyouwereforflyingoffonsomeexcursion。
Itisbetterso:Hannahshallgowithyou。\'
\'Tellhertobereadybyto—morrowthen;andhereistheschoolroomkey:Iwillgiveyouthekeyofmycottageinthemorning。\'
Hetookit。\'Yougiveitupverygleefully,\'saidhe;\'I
don\'tquiteunderstandyourlight—heartedness,becauseIcannottellwhatemploymentyouproposetoyourselfasasubstitutefortheoneyouarerelinquishing。Whataim,whatpurpose,whatambitioninlifehaveyounow?\'
\'Myfirstaimwillbetocleandown(doyoucomprehendthefullforceoftheexpression?)—tocleandownMoorHousefromchambertocellar;mynexttorubitupwithbees—wax,oil,andanindefinitenumberofcloths,tillitglittersagain;mythird,toarrangeeverychair,table,bed,carpet,withmathematicalprecision;afterwardsI
shallgoneartoruinyouincoalsandpeattokeepupgoodfiresineveryroom;andlastly,thetwodaysprecedingthatonwhichyoursistersareexpectedwillbedevotedbyHannahandmetosuchabeatingofeggs,sortingofcurrants,gratingofspices,compoundingofChristmascakes,choppingupofmaterialsformince—pies,andsolemnisingofotherculinaryrites,aswordscanconveybutaninadequatenotionoftotheuninitiatedlikeyou。Mypurpose,inshort,istohaveallthingsinanabsolutelyperfectstateofreadinessforDianaandMarybeforenextThursday;andmyambitionistogivethemabeau—idealofawelcomewhentheycome。\'
St。Johnsmiledslightly:stillhewasdissatisfied。
\'Itisallverywellforthepresent,\'saidhe;\'butseriously,I
trustthatwhenthefirstflushofvivacityisover,youwilllookalittlehigherthandomesticendearmentsandhouseholdjoys。\'
\'Imean,onthecontrary,tobebusy。\'
\'Jane,Iexcuseyouforthepresent:twomonths\'graceIallowyouforthefullenjoymentofyournewposition,andforpleasingyourselfwiththislate—foundcharmofrelationship;butthen,I
hopeyouwillbegintolookbeyondMoorHouseandMorton,andsisterlysociety,andtheselfishcalmandsensualcomfortofcivilisedaffluence。Ihopeyourenergieswillthenoncemoretroubleyouwiththeirstrength。\'
Ilookedathimwithsurprise。\'St。John,\'Isaid,\'Ithinkyouarealmostwickedtotalkso。Iamdisposedtobeascontentasaqueen,andyoutrytostirmeuptorestlessness!Towhatend?\'
\'TotheendofturningtoprofitthetalentswhichGodhascommittedtoyourkeeping;andofwhichHewillsurelyonedaydemandastrictaccount。Jane,Ishallwatchyoucloselyandanxiously—Iwarnyouofthat。Andtrytorestrainthedisproportionatefervourwithwhichyouthrowyourselfintocommonplacehomepleasures。Don\'tclingsotenaciouslytotiesoftheflesh;saveyourconstancyandardourforanadequatecause;
forbeartowastethemontritetransientobjects。Doyouhear,Jane?\'
\'Yes;justasifyouwerespeakingGreek。IfeelIhaveadequatecausetobehappy,andIwillbehappy。Good—bye!\'
HappyatMoorHouseIwas,andhardIworked;andsodidHannah:
shewascharmedtoseehowjovialIcouldbeamidstthebustleofahouseturnedtopsy—turvy—howIcouldbrush,anddust,andclean,andcook。Andreally,afteradayortwoofconfusionworseconfounded,itwasdelightfulbydegreestoinvokeorderfromthetopurchasesomenewfurniture:mycousinshavinggivenmecarteblanchetoeffectwhatalterationsIpleased,andasumhavingbeensetasideforthatpurpose。Theordinarysitting—roomandbedroomsI
leftmuchastheywere:forIknewDianaandMarywouldderivemorepleasurefromseeingagaintheoldhomelytables,andchairs,andbeds,thanfromthespectacleofthesmartestinnovations。Stillsomenoveltywasnecessary,togivetotheirreturnthepiquancywithwhichIwishedittobeinvested。Darkhandsomenewcarpetsandcurtains,anarrangementofsomecarefullyselectedantiqueornamentsinporcelainandbronze,newcoverings,andmirrors,anddressing—cases,forthetoilet—tables,answeredtheend:theylookedfreshwithoutbeingglaring。AspareparlourandbedroomIrefurnishedentirely,witholdmahoganyandcrimsonupholstery:Ilaidcanvasonthepassage,andcarpetsonthestairs。Whenallwasfinished,I
thoughtMoorHouseascompleteamodelofbrightmodestsnugnesswithin,asitwas,atthisseason,aspecimenofwintrywasteanddesertdrearinesswithout。
TheeventfulThursdayatlengthcame。Theywereexpectedaboutdark,andereduskfireswerelitupstairsandbelow;thekitchenwasinperfecttrim;HannahandIweredressed,andallwasinreadiness。
St。Johnarrivedfirst。Ihadentreatedhimtokeepquiteclearofthehousetilleverythingwasarranged:and,indeed,thebareideaofthecommotion,atoncesordidandtrivial,goingonwithinitswallssufficedtoscarehimtoestrangement。Hefoundmeinthekitchen,watchingtheprogressofcertaincakesfortea,thenbaking。Approachingthehearth,heasked,\'IfIwasatlastsatisfiedwithhousemaid\'swork?\'Iansweredbyinvitinghimtoaccompanymeonageneralinspectionoftheresultofmylabours。Withsomedifficulty,Igothimtomakethetourofthehouse。HejustlookedinatthedoorsIopened;andwhenhehadwanderedupstairsanddownstairs,hesaidImusthavegonethroughagreatdealoffatigueandtroubletohaveeffectedsuchconsiderablechangesinsoshortatime:butnotasyllabledidheutterindicatingpleasureintheimprovedaspectofhisabode。
Thissilencedampedme。Ithoughtperhapsthealterationshaddisturbedsomeoldassociationshevalued。Iinquiredwhetherthiswasthecase:nodoubtinasomewhatcrestfallentone。
\'Notatall;hehad,onthecontrary,remarkedthatIhadscrupulouslyrespectedeveryassociation:hefeared,indeed,Imusthavebestowedmorethoughtonthematterthanitwasworth。Howmanyminutes,forinstance,hadIdevotedtostudyingthearrangementofthisveryroom?—Bythebye,couldItellhimwheresuchabookwas?\'
Ishowedhimthevolumeontheshelf:hetookitdown,andwithdrawingtohisaccustomedwindowrecess,hebegantoreadit。
Now,Ididnotlikethis,reader。St。Johnwasagoodman;
butI
begantofeelhehadspokentruthofhimselfwhenhesaidhewashardandcold。Thehumanitiesandamenitiesoflifehadnoattractionforhim—itspeacefulenjoymentsnocharm。Literally,helivedonlytoaspire—afterwhatwasgoodandgreat,certainly;butstillhewouldneverrest,norapproveofothersrestingroundhim。
AsIlookedathisloftyforehead,stillandpaleasawhitestone—athisfinelineamentsfixedinstudy—Icomprehendedallatoncethathewouldhardlymakeagoodhusband:thatitwouldbeatryingthingtobehiswife。Iunderstood,asbyinspiration,thenatureofhisloveforMissOliver;Iagreedwithhimthatitwasbutaloveofthesenses。Icomprehendedhowheshoulddespisehimselfforthefeverishinfluenceitexercisedoverhim;howheshouldwishtostifleanddestroyit;howheshouldmistrustitseverconducingpermanentlytohishappinessorhers。Isawhewasofthematerialfromwhichnaturehewsherheroes—ChristianandPagan—herlawgivers,herstatesmen,herconquerors:asteadfastbulwarkforgreatintereststorestupon;but,atthefireside,toooftenacoldcumbrouscolumn,gloomyandoutofplace。
\'Thisparlourisnothissphere,\'Ireflected:\'theHimalayanridgeorCaffrebush,eventheplague—cursedGuineaCoastswampwouldsuithimbetter。Wellmayheeschewthecalmofdomesticlife;itisnothiselement:therehisfacultiesstagnate—theycannotdeveloporappeartoadvantage。Itisinscenesofstrifeanddanger—wherecourageisproved,andenergyexercised,andfortitudetasked—thathewillspeakandmove,theleaderandsuperior。Amerrychildwouldhavetheadvantageofhimonthishearth。Heisrighttochooseamissionary\'scareer—Iseeitnow。\'
\'Theyarecoming!theyarecoming!\'criedHannah,throwingopentheparlourdoor。AtthesamemomentoldCarlobarkedjoyfully。OutIran。
Itwasnowdark;butarumblingofwheelswasaudible。Hannahsoonhadalanternlit。Thevehiclehadstoppedatthewicket;thedriveropenedthedoor:firstonewell—knownform,thenanother,steppedout。
InaminuteIhadmyfaceundertheirbonnets,incontactfirstwithMary\'ssoftcheek,thenwithDiana\'sflowingcurls。Theylaughed—
kissedme—thenHannah:pattedCarlo,whowashalfwildwithdelight;askedeagerlyifallwaswell;andbeingassuredintheaffirmative,hastenedintothehouse。
TheywerestiffwiththeirlongandjoltingdrivefromWhitcross,andchilledwiththefrostynightair;buttheirpleasantcountenancesexpandedtothecheerfulfirelight。WhilethedriverandHannahbroughtintheboxes,theydemandedSt。John。Atthismomentheadvancedfromtheparlour。Theyboththrewtheirarmsroundhisneckatonce。Hegaveeachonequietkiss,saidinalowtoneafewwordsofwelcome,stoodawhiletobetalkedto,andthen,intimatingthathesupposedtheywouldsoonrejoinhimintheparlour,withdrewthereastoaplaceofrefuge。
Ihadlittheircandlestogoupstairs,butDianahadfirsttogivehospitableordersrespectingthedriver;thisdone,bothfollowedme。Theyweredelightedwiththerenovationanddecorationsoftheirrooms;withthenewdrapery,andfreshcarpets,andrichtintedchinavases:theyexpressedtheirgratificationungrudgingly。Ihadthepleasureoffeelingthatmyarrangementsmettheirwishesexactly,andthatwhatIhaddoneaddedavividcharmtotheirjoyousreturnhome。
Sweetwasthatevening。Mycousins,fullofexhilaration,weresoeloquentinnarrativeandcomment,thattheirfluencycoveredSt。
John\'staciturnity:hewassincerelygladtoseehissisters;butintheirglowoffervourandflowofjoyhecouldnotsympathise。Theeventoftheday—thatis,thereturnofDianaandMary—pleasedhim;buttheaccompanimentsofthatevent,thegladtumult,thegarrulousgleeofreceptionirkedhim:Isawhewishedthecalmermorrowwascome。Intheverymeridianofthenight\'senjoyment,aboutanhouraftertea,arapwasheardatthedoor。Hannahenteredwiththeintimationthat\'apoorladwascome,atthatunlikelytime,tofetchMr。Riverstoseehismother,whowasdrawingaway。\'
\'Wheredoesshelive,Hannah?\'
\'ClearupatWhitcrossBrow,almostfourmilesoff,andmoorandmossalltheway。\'
\'TellhimIwillgo。\'
\'I\'msure,sir,youhadbetternot。It\'stheworstroadtotravelafterdarkthatcanbe:there\'snotrackatalloverthebog。Andthenitissuchabitternight—thekeenestwindyoueverfelt。Youhadbettersendword,sir,thatyouwillbethereinthemorning。\'
Buthewasalreadyinthepassage,puttingonhiscloak;
andwithoutoneobjection,onemurmur,hedeparted。Itwasthennineo\'clock:hedidnotreturntillmidnight。Starvedandtiredenoughhewas:buthelookedhappierthanwhenhesetout。Hehadperformedanactofduty;madeanexertion;felthisownstrengthtodoanddeny,andwasonbettertermswithhimself。
Iamafraidthewholeoftheensuingweektriedhispatience。
ItwasChristmasweek:wetooktonosettledemployment,butspentitinasortofmerrydomesticdissipation。Theairofthemoors,thefreedomofhome,thedawnofprosperity,actedonDianaandMary\'sspiritslikesomelife—givingelixir:theyweregayfrommorningtillnoon,andfromnoontillnight。Theycouldalwaystalk;andtheirdiscourse,witty,pithy,original,hadsuchcharmsforme,thatI
preferredlisteningto,andsharinginit,todoinganythingelse。St。
Johndidnotrebukeourvivacity;butheescapedfromit:hewasseldominthehouse;hisparishwaslarge,thepopulationscattered,andhefounddailybusinessinvisitingthesickandpoorinitsdifferentdistricts。
Onemorningatbreakfast,Diana,afterlookingalittlepensiveforsomeminutes,askedhim,\'Ifhisplanswereyetunchanged。\'
\'Unchangedandunchangeable,\'wasthereply。AndheproceededtoinformusthathisdeparturefromEnglandwasnowdefinitelyfixedfortheensuingyear。
\'AndRosamondOliver?\'suggestedMary,thewordsseemingtoescapeherlipsinvoluntarily:fornosoonerhadsheutteredthem,thanshemadeagestureasifwishingtorecallthem。St。Johnhadabookinhishand—itwashisunsocialcustomtoreadatmeals—heclosedit,andlookedup。
\'RosamondOliver,\'saidhe,\'isabouttobemarriedtoMr。
Granby,oneofthebestconnectedandmostestimableresidentsinfromherfatheryesterday。\'
Hissisterslookedateachotherandatme;weallthreelookedathim:hewassereneasglass。
\'Thematchmusthavebeengotuphastily,\'saidDiana:
\'theycannothaveknowneachotherlong。\'
Butwheretherearenoobstaclestoaunion,asinthepresentcase,wheretheconnectionisineverypointdesirable,delaysareFredericgivesuptothem,canberefittedfortheirreception。\'
ThefirsttimeIfoundSt。Johnaloneafterthiscommunication,I
felttemptedtoinquireiftheeventdistressedhim:butheseemedsolittletoneedsympathy,that,sofarfromventuringtoofferhimmore,IexperiencedsomeshameattherecollectionofwhatIhadalreadyhazarded。Besides,Iwasoutofpracticeintalkingtohim:
hisreservewasagainfrozenover,andmyfranknesswascongealedbeneathit。Hehadnotkepthispromiseoftreatingmelikehissisters;hecontinuallymadelittle,chillingdifferencesbetweenus,whichdidnotatalltendtothedevelopmentofcordiality:inshort,nowthatIwasacknowledgedhiskinswoman,andlivedunderthesameroofwithhim,Ifeltthedistancebetweenustobefargreaterthanwhenhehadknownmeonlyasthevillageschoolmistress。WhenIrememberedhowfarIhadoncebeenadmittedtohisconfidence,Icouldhardlycomprehendhispresentfrigidity。
Suchbeingthecase,Ifeltnotalittlesurprisedwhenheraisedhisheadsuddenlyfromthedeskoverwhichhewasstooping,andsaid—
\'Yousee,Jane,thebattleisfoughtandthevictorywon。\'
Startledatbeingthusaddressed,Ididnotimmediatelyreply:
afteramoment\'shesitationIanswered—
\'Butareyousureyouarenotinthepositionofthoseconquerorswhosetriumphshavecostthemtoodear?Wouldnotsuchanotherruinyou?\'
\'Ithinknot;andifIwere,itdoesnotmuchsignify;
Ishallneverbecalledupontocontendforsuchanother。Theeventoftheconflictisdecisive:mywayisnowclear;IthankGodforit!\'Sosaying,hereturnedtohispapersandhissilence。
Asourmutualhappiness(i。e。,Diana\'s,Mary\'s,andmine)
settledintoaquietercharacter,andweresumedourusualhabitsandregularstudies,St。Johnstayedmoreathome:hesatwithusinthesameroom,sometimesforhourstogether。WhileMarydrew,Dianapursuedacourseofencyclopaedicreadingshehad(tomyaweandamazement)undertaken,andIfaggedawayatGerman,heponderedamysticloreofhisown:thatofsomeEasterntongue,theacquisitionofwhichhethoughtnecessarytohisplans。
Thusengaged,heappeared,sittinginhisownrecess,quietandabsorbedenough;butthatblueeyeofhishadahabitofleavingtheoutlandish—lookinggrammar,andwanderingover,andsometimesfixinguponus,hisfellow—students,withacuriousintensityofobservation:
ifcaught,itwouldbeinstantlywithdrawn;yeteverandanon,itreturnedsearchinglytoourtable。Iwonderedwhatitmeant:I
wondered,too,atthepunctualsatisfactionheneverfailedtoexhibitonanoccasionthatseemedtomeofsmallmoment,namely,myweeklyvisittoMortonschool;andstillmorewasIpuzzledwhen,ifthedaywasunfavourable,iftherewassnow,orrain,orhighwind,andhissistersurgedmenottogo,hewouldinvariablymakelightoftheirsolicitude,andencouragemetoaccomplishthetaskwithoutregardtotheelements。
\'Janeisnotsuchaweaklingasyouwouldmakeher,\'hewouldsay:\'shecanbearamountainblast,orashower,orafewflakesofsnow,aswellasanyofus。Herconstitutionisbothsoundandelastic;—bettercalculatedtoendurevariationsofclimatethanmanymorerobust。\'
AndwhenIreturned,sometimesagooddealtired,andnotalittleweather—beaten,Ineverdaredcomplain,becauseIsawthattomurmurwouldbetovexhim:onalloccasionsfortitudepleasedhim;
thereversewasaspecialannoyance。
Oneafternoon,however,Igotleavetostayathome,becauseI
reallyhadacold。HissistersweregonetoMortoninmystead:I
satreadingSchiller;he,decipheringhiscrabbedOrientalscrolls。
AsIexchangedatranslationforanexercise,Ihappenedtolookhisway:
thereIfoundmyselfundertheinfluenceoftheever—watchfulblueeye。Howlongithadbeensearchingmethroughandthrough,andoverandover,Icannottell:sokeenwasit,andyetsocold,Ifeltforthemomentsuperstitious—asifIweresittingintheroomwithsomethinguncanny。
\'Jane,whatareyoudoing?\'
\'LearningGerman。\'
\'IwantyoutogiveupGermanandlearnHindostanee。\'
\'Youarenotinearnest?\'
\'InsuchearnestthatImusthaveitso:andIwilltellyouwhy。\'
HethenwentontoexplainthatHindostaneewasthelanguagehewashimselfatpresentstudying;that,asheadvanced,hewasapttoforgetthecommencement;thatitwouldassisthimgreatlytohaveapupilwithwhomhemightagainandagaingoovertheelements,andsofixthemthoroughlyinhismind;thathischoicehadhoveredforsometimebetweenmeandhissisters;butthathehadfixedonmebecausehesawIcouldsitatataskthelongestofthethree。WouldI
dohimthisfavour?Ishouldnot,perhaps,havetomakethesacrificelong,asitwantednowbarelythreemonthstohisdeparture。
St。Johnwasnotamantobelightlyrefused:youfeltthateveryimpressionmadeonhim,eitherforpainorpleasure,wasdeep—gravedandpermanent。Iconsented。WhenDianaandMaryreturned,theformerfoundherscholartransferredfromhertoherbrother:shelaughed,andbothsheandMaryagreedthatSt。Johnshouldneverhavepersuadedthemtosuchastep。Heansweredquietly—
\'Iknowit。\'
Ifoundhimaverypatient,veryforbearing,andyetanexactingmaster:heexpectedmetodoagreatdeal;andwhenIfulfilledhisexpectations,he,inhisownway,fullytestifiedhisapprobation。
Bydegrees,heacquiredacertaininfluenceovermethattookawaymylibertyofmind:hispraiseandnoticeweremorerestrainingthanhisindifference。Icouldnolongertalkorlaughfreelywhenhewasby,becauseatiresomelyimportunateinstinctremindedmethatvivacity(atleastinme)wasdistastefultohim。Iwassofullyawarethatonlyseriousmoodsandoccupationswereacceptable,thatinhispresenceeveryefforttosustainorfollowanyotherbecamevain:I
fellunderafreezingspell。Whenhesaid\'go,\'Iwent;\'come,\'I
came;\'dothis,\'Ididit。ButIdidnotlovemyservitude:I
wished,manyatime,hehadcontinuedtoneglectme。
Oneeveningwhen,atbedtime,hissistersandIstoodroundhim,biddinghimgood—night,hekissedeachofthem,aswashiscustom;
and,aswasequallyhiscustom,hegavemehishand。Diana,whochancedtobeinafrolicsomehumour(shewasnotpainfullycontrolledbyhiswill;forhers,inanotherway,wasasstrong),exclaimed—
\'St。John!youusedtocallJaneyourthirdsister,butyoudon\'ttreatherassuch:youshouldkisshertoo。\'
Shepushedmetowardshim。IthoughtDianaveryprovoking,andfeltuncomfortablyconfused;andwhileIwasthusthinkingandfeeling,St。