VALENTINE。What\'sthat？Eh？
McCOMAS。Heallegesthatyoudruggedhim，Mr。Valentine。
VALENTINE。SoIdid。Theyareastonished。
McCOMAS。Butwhatdidyoudothatfor？
DOLLY。Fiveshillingsextra。
McCOMAStoDolly，short-temperedly。Imustreallyaskyou，MissClandon，nottointerruptthisveryseriousconversationwithirrelevantinterjections。Vehemently。Iinsistonhavingearnestmattersearnestlyandreverentlydiscussed。Thisoutburstproducesanapologeticsilence，andputsMcComashimselfoutofcountenance。Hecoughs，andstartsafresh，addressinghimselftoGloria。MissClandon:
itismydutytotellyouthatyourfatherhasalsopersuadedhimselfthatMr。Valentinewishestomarryyou——
VALENTINEinterposingadroitly。Ido。
McCOMASoffended。Inthatcase，sir，youmustnotbesurprisedtofindyourselfregardedbytheyounglady\'sfatherasafortunehunter。
VALENTINE。SoIam。DoyouexpectmywifetoliveonwhatIearn？
ten-penceaweek!
McCOMASrevolted。Ihavenothingmoretosay，sir。IshallreturnandtellMr。Cramptonthatthisfamilyisnoplaceforafather。Hemakesforthedoor。
MRS。CLANDONwithquietauthority。Finch!Hehalts。IfMr。
Valentinecannotbeserious，youcan。Sitdown。McComas，afterabriefstrugglebetweenhisdignityandhisfriendship，succumbs，seatinghimselfthistimemidwaybetweenDollyandMrs。Clandon。Youknowthatallthisisamadeupcase——thatFergusdoesnotbelieveinitanymorethanyoudo。Nowgivemeyourrealadvice——yoursincere，friendlyadvice:youknowIhavealwaystrustedyourjudgment。Ipromiseyouthechildrenwillbequiet。
McCOMASresigninghimself。Well，well!WhatIwanttosayisthis。Intheoldarrangementwithyourhusband，Mrs。Clandon，youhadhimataterribledisadvantage。
MRS。CLANDON。Howso，pray？
McCOMAS。Well，youwereanadvancedwoman，accustomedtodefypublicopinion，andwithnoregardforwhattheworldmightsayofyou。
MRS。CLANDONproudofit。Yes:thatistrue。Gloria，behindthechair，stoopsandkisseshermother\'shair，ademonstrationwhichdisconcertsherextremely。
McCOMAS。Ontheotherhand，Mrs。Clandon，yourhusbandhadagreathorrorofanythinggettingintothepapers。Therewashisbusinesstobeconsidered，aswellastheprejudicesofanold-fashionedfamily。
MRS。CLANDON。Nottomentionhisownprejudices。
McCOMAS。Nownodoubthebehavedbadly，Mrs。Clandon——
MRS。CLANDONscornfully。Nodoubt。
McCOMAS。Butwasitaltogetherhisfault？
MRS。CLANDON。Wasitmine？
McCOMAShastily。No。Ofcoursenot。
GLORIAobservinghimattentively。Youdonotmeanthat，Mr。
McComas。
McCOMAS。Mydearyounglady，youpickmeupverysharply。Butletmejustputthistoyou。Whenamanmakesanunsuitablemarriagenobody\'sfault，youknow，butpurelyaccidentalincompatibilityoftastes；whenheisdeprivedbythatmisfortuneofthedomesticsympathywhich，Itakeit，iswhatamanmarriesfor；wheninshort，hiswifeisratherworsethannowifeatallthroughnofaultofhisown，ofcourse，isittobewonderedatifhemakesmattersworseatfirstbyblamingher，andeven，inhisdesperation，byoccasionallydrinkinghimselfintoaviolentconditionorseekingsympathyelsewhere？
MRS。CLANDON。Ididnotblamehim:Isimplyrescuedmyselfandthechildrenfromhim。
McCOMAS。Yes:butyoumadehardterms，Mrs。Clandon。Youhadhimatyourmercy:youbroughthimtohiskneeswhenyouthreatenedtomakethematterpublicbyapplyingtotheCourtsforajudicialseparation。
Supposehehadhadthatpoweroveryou，andusedittotakeyourchildrenawayfromyouandbringthemupinignoranceofyourveryname，howwouldyoufeel？whatwouldyoudo？Well，won\'tyoumakesomeallowanceforhisfeelings？——incommonhumanity。
MRS。CLANDON。Ineverdiscoveredhisfeelings。Idiscoveredhistemper，andhis——sheshiverstherestofhiscommonhumanity。
McCOMASwistfully。Womencanbeveryhard，Mrs。Clandon。
VALENTINE。That\'strue。
GLORIAangrily。Besilent。Hesubsides。
McCOMASrallyingallhisforces。Letmemakeonelastappeal。
Mrs。Clandon:believeme，therearemenwhohaveagooddealoffeeling，andkindfeeling，too，whichtheyarenotabletoexpress。WhatyoumissinCramptonisthatmereveneerofcivilization，theartofshewingworthlessattentionsandpayinginsincerecomplimentsinakindly，charmingway。IfyoulivedinLondon，wherethewholesystemisoneoffalsegood-fellowship，andyoumayknowamanfortwentyyearswithoutfindingoutthathehatesyoulikepoison，youwouldsoonhaveyoureyesopened。Therewedounkindthingsinakindway:wesaybitterthingsinasweetvoice:wealwaysgiveourfriendschloroformwhenwetearthemtopieces。Butthinkoftheothersideofit!Thinkofthepeoplewhodokindthingsinanunkindway——peoplewhosetouchhurts，whosevoicesjar，whosetempersplaythemfalse，whowoundandworrythepeopletheyloveintheveryactoftryingtoconciliatethem，andyetwhoneedaffectionasmuchastherestofus。Cramptonhasanabominabletemper，Iadmit。Hehasnomanners，notact，nograce。
He\'llneverbeabletogainanyone\'saffectionunlesstheywilltakehisdesireforitontrust。Ishetohavenone——notevenpity——fromhisownfleshandblood？
DOLLYquitemelted。Oh，howbeautiful，Finch!Howniceofyou!
PHILIPwithconviction。Finch:thisiseloquence——positiveeloquence。
DOLLY。Oh，mamma，letusgivehimanotherchance。Letushavehimtodinner。
MRS。CLANDONunmoved。No，Dolly:Ihardlygotanylunch。MydearFinch:thereisnottheleastuseintalkingtomeaboutFergus。Youhaveneverbeenmarriedtohim:Ihave。
McCOMAStoGloria。MissClandon:Ihavehithertorefrainedfromappealingtoyou，because，ifwhatMr。Cramptontoldmetobetrue，youhavebeenmoremercilesseventhanyourmother。
GLORIAdefiantly。Youappealfromherstrengthtomyweakness!
McCOMAS。Notyourweakness，MissClandon。Iappealfromherintellecttoyourheart。
GLORIA。Ihavelearnttomistrustmyheart。WithanangryglanceatValentine。IwouldtearmyheartandthrowitawayifIcould。Myanswertoyouismymother\'sanswer。ShegoestoMrs。Clandon，andstandswithherarmabouther；butMrs。Clandon，unabletoendurethissortofdemonstrativeness，disengagesherselfassoonasshecanwithouthurtingGloria\'sfeelings。
McCOMASdefeated。Well，Iamverysorry——verysorry。Ihavedonemybest。Herisesandpreparestogo，deeplydissatisfied。
MRS。CLANDON。Butwhatdidyouexpect，Finch？Whatdoyouwantustodo？
McCOMAS。ThefirststepforbothyouandCramptonistoobtaincounsel\'sopinionastowhetherheisboundbythedeedofseparationornot。Nowwhynotobtainthisopinionatonce，andhaveafriendlymeetingherfacehardens——orshallwesayaneutralmeeting？——tosettlethedifficulty——here——inthishotel——to-night？Whatdoyousay？
MRS。CLANDON。Butwhereisthecounsel\'sopiniontocomefrom？
McCOMAS。Ithasdroppeddownonusoutoftheclouds。OnmywaybackherefromCrampton\'sImetamosteminentQ。C。，amanwhomI
briefedinthecasethatmadehisnameforhim。HehascomedownherefromSaturdaytoMondayfortheseaair，andtovisitarelativeofhiswholiveshere。HehasbeengoodenoughtosaythatifIcanarrangeameetingofthepartieshewillcomeandhelpuswithhisopinion。Nowdoletusseizethischanceofaquietfriendlyfamilyadjustment。LetmebringmyfriendhereandtrytopersuadeCramptontocome，too。
Come:consent。
MRS。CLANDONratherominously，afteramoment\'sconsideration。
Finch:Idon\'twantcounsel\'sopinion，becauseIintendtobeguidedbymyownopinion。Idon\'twanttomeetFergusagain，becauseIdon\'tlikehim，anddon\'tbelievethemeetingwilldoanygood。Howeverrising，youhavepersuadedthechildrenthatheisnotquitehopeless。Doasyouplease。
McCOMAStakingherhandandshakingit。Thankyou，Mrs。Clandon。
Willnineo\'clocksuityou？
MRS。CLANDON。Perfectly。Phil:willyouring，please。Philringsthebell。ButifIamtobeaccusedofconspiringwithMr。Valentine，Ithinkhehadbetterbepresent。
VALENTINErising。Iquiteagreewithyou。Ithinkit\'smostimportant。
McCOMAS。Therecanbenoobjectiontothat，Ithink。Ihavethegreatesthopesofahappysettlement。Good-byeforthepresent。Hegoesout，meetingthewaiter；whoholdsthedoorforhimtopassthrough。
MRS。CLANDON。Weexpectsomevisitorsatnine，William。Canwehavedinneratseveninsteadofhalf-past？
WAITERatthedoor。Seven，ma\'am？Certainly，ma\'am。Itwillbeaconveniencetousthisbusyevening，ma\'am。Therewillbethebandandthearrangingofthefairylightsandonethingoranother，ma\'am。
DOLLY。Thefairylights!
PHILIP。Theband!William:whatmeanyou？
WAITER。Thefancyball，miss——
DOLLYandPHILIPsimultaneouslyrushingtohim。Fancyball!
WAITER。Oh，yes，sir。GivenbytheregattacommitteeforthebenefitoftheLife-boat，sir。ToMrs。Clandon。Weoftenhavethem，ma\'am:Chineselanternsinthegarden，ma\'am:verybrightandpleasant，verygayandinnocentindeed。ToPhil。Ticketsdownstairsattheoffice，sir，fiveshillings:ladieshalfpriceifaccompaniedbyagentleman。
PHILIPseizinghisarmtodraghimoff。Totheoffice，William!
DOLLYbreathlessly，seizinghisotherarm。Quick，beforethey\'reallsold。Theyrushhimoutoftheroombetweenthem。
MRS。CLANDON。Whatoneartharetheygoingtodo？Goingout。I
reallymustgoandstopthis——Shefollowsthem，speakingasshedisappears。GloriastarescoollyatValentine，andthendeliberatelylooksatherwatch。
VALENTINE。Iunderstand。I\'vestayedtoolong。I\'mgoing。
GLORIAwithdisdainfulpunctiliousness。Ioweyousomeapology，Mr。Valentine。Iamconsciousofhavingspokensomewhatsharply——
perhapsrudely——toyou。
VALENTINE。Notatall。
GLORIA。Myonlyexcuseisthatitisverydifficulttogiveconsiderationandrespectwhenthereisnodignityofcharacterontheothersidetocommandit。
VALENTINEprosaically。Howisamantolookdignifiedwhenhe\'sinfatuated？
GLORIAeffectuallyunstilted。Don\'tsaythosethingstome。I
forbidyou。Theyareinsults。
VALENTINE。No:they\'reonlyfollies。Ican\'thelpthem。
GLORIA。Ifyouwerereallyinlove，itwouldnotmakeyoufoolish:
itwouldgiveyoudignity——earnestness——evenbeauty。
VALENTINE。Doyoureallythinkitwouldmakemebeautiful？Sheturnsherbackonhimwiththecoldestcontempt。Ah，youseeyou\'renotinearnest。Lovecan\'tgiveanymannewgifts。Itcanonlyheightenthegiftshewasbornwith。
GLORIAsweepingroundathimagain。Whatgiftswereyoubornwith，pray？
VALENTINE。Lightnessofheart。
GLORIA。Andlightnessofhead，andlightnessoffaith，andlightnessofeverythingthatmakesaman。
VALENTINE。Yes，thewholeworldislikeafeatherdancinginthelightnow；andGloriaisthesun。Sherearsherheadangrily。Ibegyourpardon:I\'moff。Backatnine。Good-bye。Herunsoffgaily，leavingherstandinginthemiddleoftheroomstaringafterhim。
ENDOFACTIII
ActIV
Thesameroom。Nineo\'clock。Nobodypresent。Thelampsarelighted；butthecurtainsarenotdrawn。Thewindowstandswideopen；
andstringsofChineselanternsareglowingamongthetreesoutside，withthestarryskybeyond。Thebandisplayingdance-musicinthegarden，drowningthesoundofthesea。
Thewaiterenters，shewinginCramptonandMcComas。Cramptonlookscowedandanxious。Hesitsdownwearilyandtimidlyontheottoman。
WAITER。Theladieshavegoneforaturnthroughthegroundstoseethefancydresses，sir。Ifyouwillbesogoodastotakeseats，gentlemen，Ishalltellthem。HeisabouttogointothegardenthroughthewindowwhenMcComasstopshim。
McCOMAS。Onemoment。Ifanothergentlemancomes，shewhiminwithoutanydelay:weareexpectinghim。
WAITER。Right，sir。Whatname，sir？
McCOMAS。Boon。Mr。Boon。HeisastrangertoMrs。Clandon；sohemaygiveyouacard。Ifso，thenameisspeltB。O。H。U。N。Youwillnotforget。
WAITERsmiling。Youmaydependonmeforthat，sir。MyownnameisBoon，sir，thoughIambestknowndownhereasBalmyWalters，sir。
ByrightsIshouldspellitwiththeaitchyou，sir；butIthinkitbestnottotakethatliberty，sir。ThereisNormanbloodinit，sir；andNormanbloodisnotarecommendationtoawaiter。
McCOMAS。Well，well:\"Trueheartsaremorethancoronets，andsimplefaiththanNormanblood。\"
WAITER。Thatdependsagooddealonone\'sstationinlife，sir。Ifyouwereawaiter，sir，you\'dfindthatsimplefaithwouldleaveyoujustasshortasNormanblood。IfinditbesttospellmyselfB。
double-O。N。，andtokeepmywitsprettysharpaboutme。ButI\'mtakingupyourtime，sir。You\'llexcuseme，sir:yourownfaultforbeingsoaffable，sir。I\'lltelltheladiesyou\'rehere，sir。Hegoesoutintothegardenthroughthewindow。
McCOMAS。Crampton:Icandependonyou，can\'tI？
CRAMPTON。Yes，yes。I\'llbequiet。I\'llbepatient。I\'lldomybest。
McCOMAS。Remember:I\'venotgivenyouaway。I\'vetoldthemitwasalltheirfault。
CRAMPTON。Youtoldmethatitwasallmyfault。
McCOMAS。Itoldyouthetruth。
CRAMPTONplaintively。Iftheywillonlybefairtome!
McCOMAS。MydearCrampton，theywon\'tbefairtoyou:it\'snottobeexpectedfromthemattheirage。Ifyou\'regoingtomakeimpossibleconditionsofthiskind，wemayaswellgobackhomeatonce。
CRAMPTON。ButsurelyIhavearight——
McCOMASintolerantly。Youwon\'tgetyourrights。Now，onceforall，Crampton，didyourpromisesofgoodbehavioronlymeanthatyouwon\'tcomplainifthere\'snothingtocomplainof？Because，ifso——
Hemovesasiftogo。
CRAMPTONmiserably。No，no:letmealone，can\'tyou？I\'vebeenbulliedenough:I\'vebeentormentedenough。ItellyouI\'lldomybest。Butifthatgirlbeginstotalktomelikethatandtolookatmelike——Hebreaksoffandburieshisheadinhishands。
McCOMASrelenting。There，there:it\'llbeallright，ifyouwillonlybearandforbear。Come，pullyourselftogether:there\'ssomeonecoming。Crampton，toodejectedtocaremuch，hardlychangeshisattitude。Gloriaentersfromthegarden；McComasgoestomeetheratthewindow；sothathecanspeaktoherwithoutbeingheardbyCrampton。Thereheis，MissClandon。Bekindtohim。I\'llleaveyouwithhimforamoment。Hegoesintothegarden。Gloriacomesinandstrollscoollydownthemiddleoftheroom。
CRAMPTONlookingroundinalarm。Where\'sMcComas？
GLORIAlistlessly，butnotunsympathetically。Goneout——toleaveustogether。Delicacyonhispart，Isuppose。Shestopsbesidehimandlooksquaintlydownathim。Well，father？
CRAMPTONaquaintjocositybreakingthroughhisforlornness。Well，daughter？Theylookatoneanotherforamoment，withamelancholysenseofhumor。
GLORIA。Shakehands。Theyshakehands。
CRAMPTONholdingherhand。Mydear:I\'mafraidIspokeveryimproperlyofyourmotherthisafternoon。
GLORIA。Oh，don\'tapologize。Iwasveryhighandmightymyself；butI\'vecomedownsince:oh，yes:I\'vebeenbroughtdown。Shesitsonthefloorbesidehischair。
CRAMPTON。Whathashappenedtoyou，mychild？
GLORIA。Oh，nevermind。Iwasplayingthepartofmymother\'sdaughterthen；butI\'mnot:I\'mmyfather\'sdaughter。Lookingathimfunnily。That\'sacomedown，isn\'tit？
CRAMPTONangry。What!Heroddexpressiondoesnotalter。Hesurrenders。Well，yes，mydear:Isupposeitis，Isupposeitis。
Shenodssympathetically。I\'mafraidI\'msometimesalittleirritable；butIknowwhat\'srightandreasonableallthetime，evenwhenIdon\'tactonit。Canyoubelievethat？
GLORIA。Believeit!Why，that\'smyself——myselfallover。Iknowwhat\'srightanddignifiedandstrongandnoble，justaswellasshedoes；butoh，thethingsIdo!thethingsIdo!thethingsIletotherpeopledo!!
CRAMPTONalittlegrudginglyinspiteofhimself。Aswellasshedoes？Youmeanyourmother？
GLORIAquickly。Yes，mother。Sheturnstohimonherkneesandseizeshishands。Nowlisten。Notreasontoher:noword，nothoughtagainsther。Sheisoursuperior——yoursandmine——highheavensaboveus。Isthatagreed？
CRAMPTON。Yes，yes。Justasyouplease，mydear。
GLORIAnotsatisfied，lettinggohishandsanddrawingbackfromhim。Youdon\'tlikeher？
CRAMPTON。Mychild:youhaven\'tbeenmarriedtoher。Ihave。Sheraisesherselfslowlytoherfeet，lookingathimwithgrowingcoldness。Shedidmeagreatwronginmarryingmewithoutreallycaringforme。Butafterthat，thewrongwasallonmyside，Idaresay。Heoffersherhishandagain。
GLORIAtakingitfirmlyandwarningly。Takecare。That\'sadangeroussubject。Myfeelings——mymiserable，cowardly，womanlyfeelings——maybeonyourside；butmyconscienceisonhers。
CRAMPTON。I\'mverywellcontentwiththatdivision，mydear。Thankyou。Valentinearrives。Gloriaimmediatelybecomesdeliberatelyhaughty。
VALENTINE。Excuseme；butit\'simpossibletofindaservanttoannounceone:eventheneverfailingWilliamseemstobeattheball。I
shouldhavegonemyself；onlyIhaven\'tfiveshillingstobuyaticket。
Howareyougettingon，Crampton？Better，eh？
CRAMPTON。Iammyselfagain，Mr。Valentine，nothankstoyou。
VALENTINE。Lookatthisungratefulparentofyours，MissClandon!I
savedhimfromanexcruciatingpang；andherevilesme!
GLORIAcoldly。Iamsorrymymotherisnotheretoreceiveyou，Mr。Valentine。Itisnotquitenineo\'clock；andthegentlemanofwhomMr。McComasspoke，thelawyer，isnotyetcome。
VALENTINE。Oh，yes，heis。I\'vemethimandtalkedtohim。Withgaymalice。You\'lllikehim，MissClandon:he\'stheveryincarnationofintellect。Youcanhearhismindworking。
GLORIAignoringthejibe。Whereishe？
VALENTINE。Boughtafalsenoseandgoneintothefancyball。
CRAMPTONcrustily，lookingathiswatch。Itseemsthateverybodyhasgonetothisfancyballinsteadofkeepingtoourappointmenthere。
VALENTINE。Oh，he\'llcomeallrightenough:thatwashalfanhourago。Ididn\'tliketoborrowfiveshillingsfromhimandgoinwithhim；soIjoinedthemobandlookedthroughtherailingsuntilMissClandondisappearedintothehotelthroughthewindow。
GLORIA。Soithascometothis，thatyoufollowmeaboutinpublictostareatme。
VALENTINE。Yes:somebodyoughttochainmeup。
Gloriaturnsherbackonhimandgoestothefireplace。Hetakesthesnubveryphilosophically，andgoestotheoppositesideoftheroom。
Thewaiterappearsatthewindow，usheringinMrs。ClandonandMcComas。
MRS。CLANDONhurryingin。Iamsosorrytohavekeptyouwaiting。
Agrotesquelymajesticstranger，inadominoandfalsenose，withgoggles，appearsatthewindow。
WAITERtothestranger。Begpardon，sir；butthisisaprivateapartment，sir。Ifyouwillallowme，sir，IwillshewyoutotheAmericanbarandsupperrooms，sir。Thisway，sir。
Hegoesintothegardens，leadingthewayundertheimpressionthatthestrangerisfollowinghim。Themajesticone，however，comesstraightintotheroomtotheendofthetable，where，withimpressivedeliberation，hetakesoffthefalsenoseandthenthedomino，rollingupthenoseintothedominoandthrowingthebundleonthetablelikeachampionthrowingdownhisglove。Heisnowseentobeastout，tallmanbetweenfortyandfifty，cleanshaven，withamidnightoilpalloremphasizedbystiffblackhair，croppedshortandoiled，andeyebrowslikeearlyVictorianhorsehairupholstery。Physicallyandspiritually，acoarsenedman:incunningandlogic，aruthlesslysharpenedone。Hisbearingasheentersissufficientlyimposinganddisquieting；butwhenhespeaks，hispowerful，menacingvoice，impressivelyarticulatedspeech，stronginexorablemanner，andaterrifyingpowerofintenselycriticallisteningraisetheimpressionproducedbyhimtoabsolutetremendousness。
THESTRANGER。MynameisBohun。Generalawe。HaveIthehonorofaddressingMrs。Clandon？Mrs。Clandonbows。Bohunbows。MissClandon？Gloriabows。Bohunbows。Mr。Clandon？
CRAMPTONinsistingonhisrightfulnameasangrilyashedares。MynameisCrampton，sir。
BOHUN。Oh，indeed。PassinghimoverwithoutfurthernoticeandturningtoValentine。AreyouMr。Clandon？
VALENTINEmakingitapointofhonornottobeimpressedbyhim。
DoIlooklikeit？MynameisValentine。Ididthedrugging。
BOHUN。Ah，quiteso。ThenMr。Clandonhasnotyetarrived？
WAITERenteringanxiouslythroughthewindow。Begpardon，ma\'am；
butcanyoutellmewhatbecameofthat——HerecognizesBohun，andlosesallhisself-possession。Bohunwaitsrigidlyforhimtopullhimselftogether。Afterapatheticexhibitionofconfusion，herecovershimselfsufficientlytoaddressBohunweaklybutcoherently。Begpardon，sir，I\'msure，sir。Was——wasityou，sir？
BOHUNruthlessly。ItwasI。
WAITERbrokenly。Yes，sir。Unabletorestrainhistears。Youinafalsenose，Walter!Hesinksfaintlyintoachairatthetable。
Ibegpardon，ma\'am，I\'msure。Alittlegiddiness——
BOHUNcommandingly。Youwillexcusehim，Mrs。Clandon，whenI
informyouthatheismyfather。
WAITERheartbroken。Oh，no，no，Walter。Awaiterforyourfatheronthetopofafalsenose!Whatwilltheythinkofyou？
MRS。CLANDONgoingtothewaiter\'schairinherkindestmanner。I
amdelightedtohearit，Mr。Bohun。Yourfatherhasbeenanexcellentfriendtoussincewecamehere。Bohunbowsgravely。
WAITERshakinghishead。Oh，no，ma\'am。It\'sverykindofyou——
veryladylikeandaffableindeed，ma\'am；butIshouldfeelatagreatdisadvantageoffmyownproperfooting。Nevermindmybeingthegentleman\'sfather，ma\'am:itisonlytheaccidentofbirthafterall，ma\'am。Hegetsupfeebly。You\'llallexcuseme，I\'msure，havinginterruptedyourbusiness。Hebeginstomakehiswayalongthetable，supportinghimselffromchairtochair，withhiseyeonthedoor。
BOHUN。Onemoment。Thewaiterstops，withasinkingheart。Myfatherwasawitnessofwhatpassedto-day，washenot，Mrs。Clandon？
MRS。CLANDON。Yes，mostofit，Ithink。
BOHUN。Inthatcaseweshallwanthim。
WAITERpleading。Ihopeitmaynotbenecessary，sir。Busyeveningforme，sir，withthatball:verybusyeveningindeed，sir。
BOHUNinexorably。Weshallwantyou。
MRS。CLANDONpolitely。Sitdown，won\'tyou？
WAITERearnestly。Oh，ifyouplease，ma\'am，Ireallymustdrawthelineatsittingdown。Icouldn\'tletmyselfbeseendoingsuchathing，ma\'am:thankyou，Iamsure，allthesame。Helooksroundfromfacetofacewretchedly，withanexpressionthatwouldmeltaheartofstone。
GLORIA。Don\'tletuswastetime。Williamonlywantstogoontakingcareofus。Ishouldlikeacupofcoffee。
WAITERbrighteningperceptibly。Coffee，miss？Hegivesalittlegaspofhope。Certainly，miss。Thankyou，miss:verytimely，miss，verythoughtfulandconsiderateindeed。ToMrs。Clandon，timidlybutexpectantly。Anythingforyou，ma\'am？
MRS。CLANDONEr——oh，yes:it\'ssohot，Ithinkwemighthaveajugofclaretcup。
WAITERbeaming。Claretcup，ma\'am!Certainly，ma\'am。
GLORIAOh，wellI\'llhaveaclaretcupinsteadofcoffee。Putsomecucumberinit。
WAITERdelighted。Cucumber，miss!yes，miss。ToBohun。
Anythingspecialforyou，sir？Youdon\'tlikecucumber，sir。
BOHUN。IfMrs。Clandonwillallowme——syphon——Scotch。
WAITER。Right，sir。ToCrampton。Irishforyou，sir，Ithink，sir？Cramptonassentswithagrunt。ThewaiterlooksenquiringlyatValentine。
VALENTINE。Ilikethecucumber。
WAITER。Right，sir。Summingup。Claretcup，syphon，oneScotchandoneIrish？
MRS。CLANDON。Ithinkthat\'sright。
WAITERperfectlyhappy。Right，ma\'am。Directly，ma\'am。Thankyou。Heamblesoffthroughthewindow，havingsoundedthewholegamutofhumanhappiness，fromthebottomtothetop，inalittleovertwominutes。
McCOMAS。Wecanbeginnow，Isuppose？
BOHUN。WehadbetterwaituntilMrs。Clandon\'shusbandarrives。
CRAMPTON。Whatd\'y\'mean？I\'mherhusband。
BOHUNinstantlypouncingontheinconsistencybetweenthisandhispreviousstatement。YousaidjustnowyournamewasCrampton。
CRAMPTON。Soitis。
MRS。CLANDON}allfour{I——
GLORIA}speaking{My——
McCOMAS}simul-{Mrs——
VALENTINE}taneously。{You——
BOHUNdrowningthemintwothunderouswords。Onemoment。Deadsilence。Prayallowme。Sitdowneverybody。Theyobeyhumbly。
Gloriatakesthesaddle-bagchaironthehearth。Valentineslipsaroundtohersideoftheroomandsitsontheottomanfacingthewindow，sothathecanlookather。CramptonsitsontheottomanwithhisbacktoValentine\'s。Mrs。Clandon，whohasallalongkeptattheoppositesideoftheroominordertoavoidCramptonasmuchaspossible，sitsnearthedoor，withMcComasbesideheronherleft。Bohunplaceshimselfmagisteriallyinthecentreofthegroup，nearthecornerofthetableonMrs。Clandon\'sside。Whentheyaresettled，hefixesCramptonwithhiseye，andbegins。Inthisfamily，itappears，thehusband\'snameisCrampton:thewife\'sClandon。Thuswehaveontheverythresholdofthecaseanelementofconfusion。
VALENTINEgettingupandspeakingacrosstohimwithonekneeontheottoman。Butit\'sperfectlysimple。
BOHUNannihilatinghimwithavocalthunderbolt。Itis。Mrs。
Clandonhasadoptedanothername。ThatistheobviousexplanationwhichyoufearedIcouldnotfindoutformyself。Youmistrustmyintelligence，Mr。Valentine——Stoppinghimasheisabouttoprotest。
No:Idon\'twantyoutoanswerthat:Iwantyoutothinkoveritwhenyoufeelyournextimpulsetointerruptme。
VALENTINEdazed。Thisissimplybreakingabutterflyonawheel。
Whatdoesitmatter？Hesitsdownagain。
BOHUN。Iwilltellyouwhatitmatters，sir。Itmattersthatifthisfamilydifferenceistobesmoothedoverasweallhopeitmaybe，Mrs。Clandon，asamatterofsocialconvenienceanddecency，willhavetoresumeherhusband\'sname。Mrs。Clandonassumesanexpressionofthemostdeterminedobstinacy。OrelseMr。CramptonwillhavetocallhimselfMr。Clandon。Cramptonlooksindomitablyresolvedtodonothingofthesort。Nodoubtyouthinkthataneasymatter，Mr。Valentine。
HelookspointedlyatMrs。Clandon，thenatCrampton。Idifferfromyou。Hethrowshimselfbackinhischair，frowningheavily。
McCOMAStimidly。Ithink，Bohun，wehadperhapsbetterdisposeoftheimportantquestionsfirst。
BOHUN。McComas:therewillbenodifficultyabouttheimportantquestions。Thereneveris。Itisthetriflesthatwillwreckyouattheharbormouth。McComaslooksasifheconsideredthisaparadox。
Youdon\'tagreewithme，eh？
McCOMASflatteringly。IfIdid——
BOHUNinterruptinghim。Ifyoudid，youwouldbeme，insteadofbeingwhatyouare。
McCOMASfawningonhim。Ofcourse，Bohun，yourspecialty——
BOHUNagaininterruptinghim。Myspecialtyisbeingrightwhenotherpeoplearewrong。IfyouagreedwithmeIshouldbeofnousehere。Henodsathimtodrivethepointhome；thenturnssuddenlyandforciblyonCrampton。Nowyou，Mr。Crampton:whatpointinthisbusinesshaveyoumostatheart？
CRAMPTONbeginningslowly。Iwishtoputallconsiderationsofselfasideinthismatter——
BOHUNinterruptinghim。Sodoweall，Mr。Crampton。ToMrs。
Clandon。Youwishtoputselfaside，Mrs。Clandon？
MRS。CLANDON。Yes:Iamnotconsultingmyownfeelingsinbeinghere。
BOHUN。Sodoyou，MissClandon？
GLORIA。Yes。
BOHUN。Ithoughtso。Wealldo。
VALENTINE。Exceptme。Myaimsareselfish。
BOHUN。That\'sbecauseyouthinkanimpressionofsinceritywillproduceabettereffectonMissClandonthananimpressionofdisinterestedness。Valentine，utterlydismantledanddestroyedbythisjustremark，takesrefugeinafeeble，speechlesssmile。Bohun，satisfiedathavingnoweffectuallycrushedallrebellion，throwshimselfbackinhischair，withanairofbeingpreparedtolistentolerantlytotheirgrievances。Now，Mr。Crampton，goon。It\'sunderstoodthatselfisputaside。Humannaturealwaysbeginsbysayingthat。
CRAMPTON。ButImeanit，sir。
BOHUN。Quiteso。Nowforyourpoint。
CRAMPTON。Everyreasonablepersonwilladmitthatit\'sanunselfishone——thechildren。
BOHUN。Well？Whataboutthechildren？
CRAMPTONwithemotion。Theyhave——
BOHUNpouncingforwardagain。Stop。You\'regoingtotellmeaboutyourfeelings，Mr。Crampton。Don\'t:Isympathizewiththem；butthey\'renotmybusiness。Tellusexactlywhatyouwant:that\'swhatwehavetogetat。
CRAMPTONuneasily。It\'saverydifficultquestiontoanswer，Mr。
Bohun。
BOHUN。Come:I\'llhelpyouout。Whatdoyouobjecttointhepresentcircumstancesofthechildren？
CRAMPTON。Iobjecttothewaytheyhavebeenbroughtup。
BOHUN。Howdoyouproposetoalterthatnow？
CRAMPTON。Ithinktheyoughttodressmorequietly。
VALENTINE。Nonsense。
BOHUNinstantlyflinginghimselfbackinhischair，outragedbytheinterruption。Whenyouaredone，Mr。Valentine——whenyouarequitedone。
VALENTINE。What\'swrongwithMissClandon\'sdress？
CRAMPTONhotlytoValentine。Myopinionisasgoodasyours。
GLORIAwarningly。Father!
CRAMPTONsubsidingpiteously。Ididn\'tmeanyou，mydear。
PleadingearnestlytoBohun。Butthetwoyoungerones!youhavenotseenthem，Mr。Bohun；andindeedIthinkyouwouldagreewithmethatthereissomethingverynoticeable，somethingalmostgayandfrivolousintheirstyleofdressing。
MRS。CLANDONimpatiently。DoyousupposeIchoosetheirclothesforthem？Reallythisischildish。
CRAMPTONfurious，rising。Childish!Mrs。Clandonrisesindignantly。
McCOMAS}allris-}Crampton，youpromised——
VALENTINE}ingand}Ridiculous。Theydress}speaking}charmingly。
GLORIA}together。}Prayletusbehavereasonably。
Tumult。Suddenlytheyhearachimeofglassesintheroombehindthem。Theyturninsilentsurpriseandfindthatthewaiterhasjustcomebackfromthebarinthegarden，andisjinglinghistraywarninglyashecomessoftlytothetablewithit。
WAITERtoCrampton，settingatumblerapartonthetable。Irishforyou，sir。Cramptonsitsdownalittleshamefacedly。Thewaitersetsanothertumblerandasyphonapart，sayingtoBohunScotchandsyphonforyou，sir。Bohunwaveshishandimpatiently。Thewaiterplacesalargeglassjuginthemiddle。Andclaretcup。Allsubsideintotheirseats。Peacereigns。
MRS。CLANDONhumblytoBohun。Iamafraidweinterruptedyou，Mr。
Bohun。
BOHUNcalmly。Youdid。Tothewaiter，whoisgoingout。Justwaitabit。
WAITER。Yes，sir。Certainly，sir。HetakeshisstandbehindBohun\'schair。
MRS。CLANDONtothewaiter。Youdon\'tmindourdetainingyou，I
hope。Mr。Bohunwishesit。
WAITERnowquiteathisease。Oh，no，ma\'am，notatall，ma\'am。
Itisapleasuretometowatchtheworkingofhistrainedandpowerfulmind——verystimulating，veryentertainingandinstructiveindeed，ma\'am。
BOHUNresumingcommandoftheproceedings。Now，Mr。Crampton:wearewaitingforyou。Doyougiveupyourobjectiontothedressing，ordoyousticktoit？
CRAMPTONpleading。Mr。Bohun:considermypositionforamoment。
Ihaven\'tgotmyselfalonetoconsider:there\'smysisterSophroniaandmybrother-in-lawandalltheircircle。Theyhaveagreathorrorofanythingthatisatall——atall——well——
BOHUN。Outwithit。Fast？Loud？Gay？
CRAMPTON。Notinanyunprincipledsenseofcourse；but——but——
blurtingitoutdesperatelythosetwochildrenwouldshockthem。
They\'renotfittomixwiththeirownpeople。That\'swhatIcomplainof。
MRS。CLANDONwithsuppressedimpatience。Mr。Valentine:doyouthinkthereisanythingfastorloudaboutPhilandDolly？
VALENTINE。Certainlynot。It\'sutterbosh。Nothingcanbeinbettertaste。
CRAMPTON。Oh，yes:ofcourseyousayso。
MRS。CLANDON。William:youseeagreatdealofgoodEnglishsociety。
Aremychildrenoverdressed？
WAITERreassuringly。Oh，dear，no，ma\'am。Persuasively。Oh，no，sir，notatall。Alittleprettyandtastynodoubt；butverychoiceandclassy——verygenteelandhightonedindeed。MightbethesonanddaughterofaDean，sir，Iassureyou，sir。Youhaveonlytolookatthem，sir，to——Atthismomentaharlequinandcolumbine，dancingtothemusicofthebandinthegarden，whichhasjustreachedthecodaofawaltz，whirloneanotherintotheroom。Theharlequin\'sdressismadeoflozenges，aninchsquare，ofturquoisebluesilkandgoldalternately。Hishatisgiltandhismaskturnedup。Thecolumbine\'spetticoatsaretheepitomeofaharvestfield，goldenorangeandpoppycrimson，withatinyvelvetjacketforthepoppystamens。
Theypass，anexquisiteanddazzlingapparition，betweenMcComasandBohun，andthenbackinacircletotheendofthetable，where，asthefinalchordofthewaltzisstruck，theymakeatableauinthemiddleofthecompany，theharlequindownonhisleftknee，andthecolumbinestandingonhisrightknee，withherarmscurvedoverherhead。Unliketheirdancing，whichischarminglygraceful，theirattitudinizingishardlyasuccess，andthreatenstoendinacatastrophe。
THECOLUMBINEscreaming。Liftmedown，somebody:I\'mgoingtofall。Papa:liftmedown。
CRAMPTONanxiouslyrunningtoherandtakingherhands。Mychild!
DOLLYjumpingdownwithhishelp。Thanks:soniceofyou。Phil，puttinghishatintohisbelt，sitsonthesideofthetableandpoursoutsomeclaretcup。Cramptonreturnstohisplaceontheottomaningreatperplexity。Oh，whatfun!Oh，dear。Sheseatsherselfwithavaultonthefrontedgeofthetable，panting。Oh，claretcup!Shedrinks。
BOHUNinpowerfultones。Thisistheyoungerlady，isit？
DOLLYslippingdownoffthetableinalarmathisformidablevoiceandmanner。Yes，sir。Please，whoareyou？
MRS。CLANDON。ThisisMr。Bohun，Dolly，whohasverykindlycometohelpusthisevening。
DOLLY。Oh，thenhecomesasaboonandablessing——
PHILIP。Sh!
CRAMPTON。Mr。Bohun——McComas:Iappealtoyou。Isthisright？
Wouldyoublamemysister\'sfamilyforobjectingtothis？
DOLLYflushingominously。Haveyoubegunagain？
CRAMPTONpropitiatingher。No，no。It\'sperhapsnaturalatyourage。
DOLLYobstinately。Nevermindmyage。Isitpretty？
CRAMPTON。Yes，dear，yes。Hesitsdownintokenofsubmission。
DOLLYfollowinghiminsistently。Doyoulikeit？
CRAMPTON。Mychild:howcanyouexpectmetolikeitortoapproveofit？
DOLLYdeterminednottolethimoff。Howcanyouthinkitprettyandnotlikeit？
McCOMASrising，angryandscandalized。ReallyImustsay——
Bohun，whohaslistenedtoDollywiththehighestapproval，isdownonhiminstantly。
BOHUN。No:don\'tinterrupt，McComas。Theyounglady\'smethodisright。ToDolly，withtremendousemphasis。Pressyourquestions，MissClandon:pressyourquestions。
DOLLYrising。Oh，dear，youarearegularoverwhelmer!Doyoualwaysgoonlikethis？
BOHUNrising。Yes。Don\'tyoutrytoputmeoutofcountenance，younglady:you\'retooyoungtodoit。HetakesMcComas\'schairfrombesideMrs。Clandon\'sandsetsitbesidehisown。Sitdown。Dolly，fascinated，obeys；andBohunsitsdownagain。McComas，robbedofhisseat，takesachairontheothersidebetweenthetableandtheottoman。Now，Mr。Crampton，thefactsarebeforeyou——bothofthem。
Youthinkyou\'dliketohaveyourtwoyoungestchildrentolivewithyou。Well，youwouldn\'t——Cramptontriestoprotest；butBohunwillnothaveitonanyterms。No，youwouldn\'t:youthinkyouwould；butIknowbetterthanyou。You\'dwantthisyoungladyheretogiveupdressinglikeastagecolumbineintheeveningandlikeafashionablecolumbineinthemorning。Well，shewon\'t——never。Shethinksshewill；but——
DOLLYinterruptinghim。NoIdon\'t。Resolutely。I\'llnevergiveupdressingprettily。Never。AsGloriasaidtothatmaninMadeira，never，never，neverwhilegrassgrowsorwaterruns。
VALENTINErisinginthewildestagitation。What!What!
Beginningtospeakveryfast。Whendidshesaythat？Whodidshesaythatto？
BOHUNthrowinghimselfbackwithmassive，pityingremonstrance。
Mr。Valentine——
VALENTINEpepperily。Don\'tyouinterruptme，sir:thisissomethingreallyserious。IinsistonknowingwhoMissClandonsaidthatto。
DOLLY。PerhapsPhilremembers。Whichwasit，Phil？numberthreeornumberfive？
VALENTINE。Numberfive!!!
PHILIP。Courage，Valentine。Itwasn\'tnumberfive:itwasonlyatamenavallieutenantthatwasalwaysonhand——themostpatientandharmlessofmortals。
GLORIAcoldly。Whatarewediscussingnow，pray？
VALENTINEveryred。Excuseme:IamsorryIinterrupted。Ishallintrudenofurther，Mrs。Clandon。HebowstoMrs。Clandonandmarchesawayintothegarden，boilingwithsuppressedrage。
DOLLY。Hmhm!
PHILIP。Ahah!
GLORIA。Pleasegoon，Mr。Bohun。
DOLLYstrikinginasBohun，frowningformidably，collectshimselfforafreshgrapplewiththecase。You\'regoingtobullyus，Mr。
Bohun。
BOHUN。I——
DOLLYinterruptinghim。Oh，yes，youare:youthinkyou\'renot；
butyouare。Iknowbyyoureyebrows。
BOHUNcapitulating。Mrs。Clandon:thesearecleverchildren——
clearheaded，wellbroughtupchildren。Imakethatadmissiondeliberately。Canyou，inreturn，pointouttomeanywayofinductingthemtoholdtheirtongues？
MRS。CLANDON。Dolly，dearest——!
PHILIP。Ouroldfailing，Dolly。Silence!Dollyholdshermouth。
MRS。CLANDON。Now，Mr。Bohun，beforetheybeginagain——
WAITERsofter。Bequick，sir:bequick。
DOLLYbeamingathim。DearWilliam!
PHILIP。Sh!
BOHUNunexpectedlybeginningbyhurlingaquestionstraightatDolly。Haveyouanyintentionofgettingmarried？
DOLLY。I!Well，FinchcallsmebymyChristianname。
McCOMAS。Iwillnothavethis。Mr。Bohun:Iusetheyounglady\'sChristiannamenaturallyasanoldfriendofhermother\'s。
DOLLY。Yes，youcallmeDollyasanoldfriendofmymother\'s。ButwhataboutDorothee-ee-a？McComasrisesindignantly。
CRAMPTONanxiously，risingtorestrainhim。Keepyourtemper，McComas。Don\'tletusquarrel。Bepatient。
McCOMAS。Iwillnotbepatient。Youareshewingthemostwretchedweaknessofcharacter，Crampton。Isaythisismonstrous。
DOLLY。Mr。Bohun:pleasebullyFinchforus。
BOHUN。Iwill。McComas:you\'remakingyourselfridiculous。Sitdown。
McCOMAS。I——
BOHUNwavinghimdownimperiously。No:sitdown，sitdown。
McComassitsdownsulkily；andCrampton，muchrelieved，followshisexample。
DOLLYtoBohun，meekly。Thankyou。
BOHUN。Now，listentome，allofyou。Igivenoopinion，McComas，astohowfaryoumayormaynothavecommittedyourselfinthedirectionindicatedbythisyounglady。McComasisabouttoprotest。
No:don\'tinterruptme:ifshedoesn\'tmarryyoushewillmarrysomebodyelse。Thatisthesolutionofthedifficultyastohernotbearingherfather\'sname。Theotherladyintendstogetmarried。
GLORIAflushing。Mr。Bohun!
BOHUN。Oh，yes，youdo:youdon\'tknowit；butyoudo。
GLORIArising。Stop。Iwarnyou，Mr。Bohun，nottoanswerformyintentions。
BOHUNrising。It\'snouse，MissClandon:youcan\'tputmedown。
ItellyouyournamewillsoonbeneitherClandonnorCrampton；andI
couldtellyouwhatitwillbeifIchose。Hegoestotheotherendofthetable，whereheunrollshisdomino，andputsthefalsenoseonthetable。Whenhemovestheyallrise；andPhilgoestothewindow。
Bohun，withagesture，summonsthewaitertohelphiminrobing。Mr。
Crampton:yournotionofgoingtolawisallnonsense:yourchildrenwillbeofagebeforeyoucouldgetthepointdecided。Allowingthewaitertoputthedominoonhisshoulders。Youcandonothingbutmakeafriendlyarrangement。Ifyouwantyourfamilymorethantheywantyou，you\'llgettheworseofthearrangement:iftheywantyoumorethanyouwantthem，you\'llgetthebetterofit。Heshakesthedominointobecomingfoldsandtakesupthefalsenose。Dollygazesadmiringlyathim。Thestrengthoftheirpositionliesintheirbeingveryagreeablepeoplepersonally。Thestrengthofyourpositionliesinyourincome。
Heclapsonthefalsenose，andisagaingrotesquelytransfigured。
DOLLYrunningtohim。Oh，nowyoulookquitelikeahumanbeing。
Mayn\'tIhavejustonedancewithyou？Canyoudance？Phil，resuminghispartofharlequin，waveshishatasifcastingaspellonthem。
BOHUNthunderously。Yes:youthinkIcan\'t；butIcan。Comealong。Heseizesheranddancesoffwithherthroughthewindowinamostpowerfulmanner，butwithstudiedproprietyandgrace。Thewaiterismeanwhilebusyputtingthechairsbackintheircustomaryplaces。
PHILIP。\"Onwiththedance:letjoybeunconfined。\"William!
WAITER。Yes，sir。
PHILIP。CanyouprocureacoupleofdominosandfalsenosesformyfatherandMr。McComas？
McCOMAS。Mostcertainlynot。Iprotest——
CRAMPTON。No，no。Whatharmwillitdo，justforonce，McComas？
Don\'tletusbespoil-sports。
McCOMAS。Crampton:youarenotthemanItookyoufor。Pointedly。
Bulliesarealwayscowards。Hegoesdisgustedlytowardsthewindow。
CRAMPTONfollowinghim。Well，nevermind。Wemustindulgethemalittle。Canyougetussomethingtowear，waiter？
WAITER。Certainly，sir。Heprecedesthemtothewindow，andstandsasidetheretoletthempassoutbeforehim。Thisway，sir。Dominosandnoses，sir？
McCOMASangrily，onhiswayout。Ishallwearmyownnose。
WAITERsuavely。Oh，dear，yes，sir:thefalseonewillfitoveritquiteeasily，sir:plentyofroom，sir，plentyofroom。HegoesoutafterMcComas。
CRAMPTONturningatthewindowtoPhilwithanattemptatgenialfatherliness。Comealong，myboy，comealong。Hegoes。
PHILIPcheerily，followinghim。Coming，dad，coming。Onthewindowthreshold，hestops；lookingafterCrampton；thenturnsfantasticallywithhisbatbentintoahaloroundhishead，andsayswithaloweredvoicetoMrs。ClandonandGloriaDidyoufeelthepathosofthat？Hevanishes。
MRS。CLANDONleftalonewithGloria。WhydidMr。Valentinegoawaysosuddenly，Iwonder？
GLORIApetulantly。Idon\'tknow。Yes，Idoknow。Letusgoandseethedancing。Theygotowardsthewindow，andaremetbyValentine，whocomesinfromthegardenwalkingquickly，withhisfacesetandsulky。
VALENTINEstiffly。Excuseme。Ithoughtthepartyhadquitebrokenup。
GLORIAnagging。Thenwhydidyoucomeback？
VALENTINE。IcamebackbecauseIampenniless。Ican\'tgetoutthatwaywithoutafiveshillingticket。
MRS。CLANDON。Hasanythingannoyedyou，Mr。Valentine？
GLORIA。Nevermindhim，mother。Thisisafreshinsulttome:thatisall。
MRS。CLANDONhardlyabletorealizethatGloriaisdeliberatelyprovokinganaltercation。Gloria!
VALENTINE。Mrs。Clandon:haveIsaidanythinginsulting？HaveI
doneanythinginsulting？
GLORIA。youhaveimpliedthatmypasthasbeenlikeyours。Thatistheworstofinsults。
VALENTINE。Iimplynothingofthesort。Ideclarethatmypasthasbeenblamelessincomparisonwithyours。
MRS。CLANDONmostindignantly。Mr。Valentine!
VALENTINE。Well，whatamItothinkwhenIlearnthatMissClandonhasmadeexactlythesamespeechestoothermenthatshehasmadetome——whenIhearofatleastfiveformerlovers，withatamenavallieutenantthrownin？Oh，it\'stoobad。
MRS。CLANDON。Butyousurelydonotbelievethattheseaffairs——
merejokesofthechildren\'s——wereserious，Mr。Valentine？
VALENTINE。Nottoyou——nottoher，perhaps。ButIknowwhatthemenfelt。Withludicrouslygenuineearnestness。Haveyoueverthoughtofthewreckedlives，themarriagescontractedintherecklessnessofdespair，thesuicides，the——the——the——
GLORIAinterruptinghimcontemptuously。Mother:thismanisasentimentalidiot。Shesweepsawaytothefireplace。
MRS。CLANDONshocked。Oh，mydearestGloria，Mr。Valentinewillthinkthatrude。
VALENTINE。Iamnotasentimentalidiot。Iamcuredofsentimentforever。Hesitsdownindudgeon。
MRS。CLANDON。Mr。Valentine:youmustexcuseusall。Womenhavetounlearnthefalsegoodmannersoftheirslaverybeforetheyacquirethegenuinegoodmannersoftheirfreedom。Don\'tthinkGloriavulgarGloriaturns，astonished:sheisnotreallyso。
GLORIA。Mother!Youapologizeformetohim!
MRS。CLANDON。Mydear:youhavesomeofthefaultsofyouthaswellasitsqualities；andMr。Valentineseemsrathertoooldfashionedinhisideasabouthisownsextolikebeingcalledanidiot。AndnowhadwenotbettergoandseewhatDollyisdoing？Shegoestowardsthewindow。Valentinerises。
GLORIA。Doyougo，mother。IwishtospeaktoMr。Valentinealone。
MRS。CLANDONstartledintoaremonstrance。Mydear!Recollectingherself。Ibegyourpardon，Gloria。Certainly，ifyouwish。ShebowstoValentineandgoesout。
VALENTINE。Oh，ifyourmotherwereonlyawidow!She\'sworthsixofyou。
GLORIA。ThatisthefirstthingIhaveheardyousaythatdoesyouhonor。
VALENTINE。Stuff!Come:saywhatyouwanttosayandletmego。
GLORIA。Ihaveonlythistosay。Youdraggedmedowntoyourlevelforamomentthisafternoon。Doyouthink，ifthathadeverhappenedbefore，thatIshouldnothavebeenonmyguard——thatIshouldnothaveknownwhatwascoming，andknownmyownmiserableweakness？
VALENTINEscoldingatherpassionately。Don\'ttalkofitinthatway。WhatdoIcareforanythinginyoubutyourweakness，asyoucallit？Youthoughtyourselfverysafe，didn\'tyou，behindyouradvancedideas!Iamusedmyselfbyupsettingthemprettyeasily。
GLORIAinsolently，feelingthatnowshecandoasshelikeswithhim。Indeed!
VALENTINE。ButwhydidIdoit？BecauseIwasbeingtemptedtoawakenyourheart——tostirthedepthsinyou。WhywasItempted？
BecauseNaturewasindeadlyearnestwithmewhenIwasinjestwithher。Whenthegreatmomentcame，whowasawakened？whowasstirred？inwhomdidthedepthsbreakup？Inmyself——myself:Iwastransported:youwereonlyoffended——shocked。Youwereonlyanordinaryyounglady，tooordinarytoallowtamelieutenantstogoasfarasIwent。That\'sall。Ishallnottroubleyouwithconventionalapologies。Good-bye。Hemakesresolutelyforthedoor。
GLORIA。Stop。Hehesitates。Oh，willyouunderstand，ifItellyouthetruth，thatIamnotmakinganadvancetoyou？
VALENTINE。Pooh!Iknowwhatyou\'regoingtosay。Youthinkyou\'renotordinary——thatIwasright——thatyoureallyhavethosedepthsinyournature。Itflattersyoutobelieveit。Sherecoils。Well，I
grantthatyouarenotordinaryinsomeways:youareaclevergirlGloriastiflesanexclamationofrage，andtakesathreateningsteptowardshim；butyou\'venotbeenawakenedyet。Youdidn\'tcare:youdon\'tcare。Itwasmytragedy，notyours。Good-bye。Heturnstothedoor。Shewatcheshim，appalledtoseehimslippingfromhergrasp。Asheturnsthehandle，hepauses；thenturnsagaintoher，offeringhishand。Letuspartkindly。
GLORIAenormouslyrelieved，andimmediatelyturningherbackonhimdeliberately。Good-bye。Itrustyouwillsoonrecoverfromthewound。
VALENTINEbrighteningupasitflashesonhimthatheismasterofthesituationafterall。Ishallrecover:suchwoundshealmorethantheyharm。Afterall，IstillhavemyownGloria。
GLORIAfacinghimquickly。Whatdoyoumean？
VALENTINE。TheGloriaofmyimagination。
GLORIAproudly。KeepyourownGloria——theGloriaofyourimagination。Heremotionbeginstobreakthroughherpride。TherealGloria——theGloriawhowasshocked，offended，horrified——oh，yes，quitetruly——whowasdrivenalmostmadwithshamebythefeelingthatallherpoweroverherselfhadbeenbrokendownatherfirstrealencounterwith——with——Thecolorrushesoverherfaceagain。Shecoversitwithherlefthand，andputsherrightonhisleftarmtosupportherself。
VALENTINE。Takecare。I\'mlosingmysensesagain。Summoningallhercourage，shetakesawayherhandfromherfaceandputsitonhisrightshoulder，turninghimtowardsherandlookinghimstraightintheeyes。Hebeginstoprotestagitatedly。Gloria:besensible:it\'snouse:Ihaven\'tapennyintheworld。
GLORIA。Can\'tyouearnone？Otherpeopledo。
VALENTINEhalfdelighted，halffrightened。Inevercould——you\'dbeunhappy——Mydearestlove:Ishouldbethemerestfortune-huntingadventurerif——Hergriponhisarmstightens；andshekisseshim。
Oh，Lord!Breathless。Oh，I——Hegasps。Idon\'tknowanythingaboutwomen:twelveyears\'experienceisnotenough。Inagustofjealousyshethrowshimawayfromher；andhereelsherbackintothechairlikealeafbeforethewind，asDollydancesin，waltzingwiththewaiter，followedbyMrs。ClandonandFinch，alsowaltzing，andPhilpirouettingbyhimself。
DOLLYsinkingonthechairatthewriting-table。Oh，I\'moutofbreath。Howbeautifullyyouwaltz，William!
MRS。CLANDONsinkingonthesaddlebagseatonthehearth。Oh，howcouldyoumakemedosuchasillything，Finch!Ihaven\'tdancedsincethesoireeatSouthPlacetwentyyearsago。
GLORIAperemptorilyatValentine。Getup。Valentinegetsupabjectly。Nowletushavenofalsedelicacy。Tellmymotherthatwehaveagreedtomarryoneanother。Asilenceofstupefactionensues。
Valentine，dumbwithpanic，looksatthemwithanobviousimpulsetorunaway。
DOLLYbreakingthesilence。NumberSix!
PHILIP。Sh!
DOLLYtumultuously。Oh，myfeelings!Iwanttokisssomebody；andwebaritinthefamily。Where\'sFinch？
McCOMASstartingviolently。No，positively——Cramptonappearsinthewindow。
DOLLYrunningtoCrampton。Oh，you\'rejustintime。Shekisseshim。Nowleadinghimforwardblessthem。
GLORIA。No。Iwillhavenosuchthing，eveninjest。WhenIneedablessing，Ishallaskmymother\'s。
CRAMPTONtoGloria，withdeepdisappointment。AmItounderstandthatyouhaveengagedyourselftothisyounggentleman？
GLORIAresolutely。Yes。Doyouintendtobeourfriendor——
DOLLYinterposing——orourfather？
CRAMPTON。Ishouldliketobeboth，mychild。Butsurely——!Mr。
Valentine:Iappealtoyoursenseofhonor。
VALENTINE。You\'requiteright。It\'sperfectmadness。IfwegoouttodancetogetherIshallhavetoborrowfiveshillingsfromherforaticket。Gloria:don\'tberash:you\'rethrowingyourselfaway。I\'dmuchbetterclearstraightoutofthis，andneverseeanyofyouagain。I
shan\'tcommitsuicide:Ishan\'tevenbeunhappy。It\'llbearelieftome:I——I\'mfrightened，I\'mpositivelyfrightened；andthat\'stheplaintruth。
GLORIAdeterminedly。Youshallnotgo。
VALENTINEquailing。No，dearest:ofcoursenot。But——oh，willsomebodyonlytalksenseforamomentandbringusalltoreason!I
can\'t。Where\'sBohun？Bohun\'stheman。Phil:goandsummonBohun——
PHILIP。Fromthevastlydeep。Igo。Hemakeshisbatquiverintheairanddartsawaythroughthewindow。
WAITERharmoniouslytoValentine。Ifyouwillexcusemyputtinginaword，sir，donotletamatteroffiveshillingsstandbetweenyouandyourhappiness，sir。Weshallbeonlytoopleasedtoputtheticketdowntoyou:andyoucansettleatyourconvenience。Verygladtomeetyouinanyway，veryhappyandpleasedindeed，sir。
PHILIPre-appearing。Hecomes。Hewaveshisbatoverthewindow。
Bohuncomesin，takingoffhisfalsenoseandthrowingitonthetableinpassingashecomesbetweenGloriaandValentine。
VALENTINE。Thepointis，Mr。Bohun——
McCOMASinterruptingfromthehearthrug。Excuseme，sir:thepointmustbeputtohimbyasolicitor。Thequestionisoneofanengagementbetweenthesetwoyoungpeople。Theladyhassomeproperty，andlookingatCramptonwillprobablyhaveagooddealmore。
CRAMPTON。Possibly。Ihopeso。
VALENTINE。Andthegentlemanhasn\'tarap。
BOHUNnailingValentinetothepointinstantly。Theninsistonasettlement。Thatshocksyourdelicacy:mostsensibleprecautionsdo。
Butyouaskmyadvice；andIgiveittoyou。Haveasettlement。
GLORIAproudly。Heshallhaveasettlement。
VALENTINE。Mygoodsir，Idon\'twantadviceformyself。Givehersomeadvice。
BOHUN。Shewon\'ttakeit。Whenyou\'remarried，shewon\'ttakeyourseither——turningsuddenlyonGloriaoh，no，youwon\'t:youthinkyouwill；butyouwon\'t。He\'llsettoworkandearnhisliving——turningsuddenlytoValentineoh，yes，youwill:youthinkyouwon\'t；butyouwill。She\'llmakeyou。
CRAMPTONonlyhalfpersuaded。Then，Mr。Bohun，youdon\'tthinkthismatchanunwiseone？
BOHUN。Yes，Ido:allmatchesareunwise。It\'sunwisetobeborn；
it\'sunwisetobemarried；it\'sunwisetolive；andit\'sunwisetodie。
WAITERinsinuatinghimselfbetweenCramptonandValentine。Then，ifImayrespectfullyputinawordin，sir，somuchtheworseforwisdom!ToValentine，benignly。Cheerup，sir，cheerup:everymanisfrightenedofmarriagewhenitcomestothepoint；butitoftenturnsoutverycomfortable，veryenjoyableandhappyindeed，sir——fromtimetotime。Ineverwasmasterinmyownhouse，sir:mywifewaslikeyouryounglady:shewasofacommandingandmasterfuldisposition，whichmysonhasinherited。ButifIhadmylifetolivetwiceover，I\'ddoitagain，I\'ddoitagain，Iassureyou。Younevercantell，sir:younevercantell。
PHILIP。AllowmetoremarkthatifGloriahasmadeuphermind——
DOLLY。Thematter\'ssettledandValentine\'sdonefor。Andwe\'remissingallthedances。
VALENTINEtoGloria，gallantlymakingthebestofit。MayIhaveadance——
BOHUNinterposinginhisgrandestdiapason。Excuseme:Iclaimthatprivilegeascounsel\'sfee。MayIhavethehonor——thankyou。
HedancesawaywithGloriaanddisappearsamongthelanterns，leavingValentinegasping。
VALENTINErecoveringhisbreath。Dolly:mayI——offeringhimselfasherpartner？
DOLLY。Nonsense!Eludinghimandrunningroundthetabletothefireplace。Finch——myFinch!ShepouncesonMcComasandmakeshimdance。
McCOMASprotesting。Prayrestrain——really——Heisborneoffdancingthroughthewindow。
VALENTINEmakingalasteffort。Mrs。Clandon:mayI——
PHILIPforestallinghim。Come，mother。Heseizeshismotherandwhirlsheraway。
MRS。CLANDONremonstrating。Phil，Phil——ShesharesMcComas\'sfate。
CRAMPTONfollowingthemwithsenileglee。Ho!ho!He!he!he!
Hegoesintothegardenchucklingatthefun。
VALENTINEcollapsingontheottomanandstaringatthewaiter。I
mightaswellbeamarriedmanalready。ThewaitercontemplatesthecapturedDuellistofSexwithaffectionatecommiseration，shakinghisheadslowly。