\"Eventhat.IonlyTHOUGHT,then;IKNOW,now.\"
Ifeltsarcastical,soIsaid:
\"Oh,sapientservantofthelaw,condescendtotellus,then,whatyouKNOW.\"
\"ThatyewillallbehangedTO-DAY,atmid-afternoon!Oho!thatshothithome!Leanuponme.\"
ThefactisIdidneedtoleanuponsomebody.Myknightscouldn\'tarriveintime.Theywouldbeasmuchasthreehourstoolate.NothingintheworldcouldsavetheKingofEngland;norme,whichwasmoreimportant.
Moreimportant,notmerelytome,buttothenation——theonlynationonearthstandingreadytoblossomintocivilization.Iwassick.Isaidnomore,therewasn\'tanythingtosay.Iknewwhatthemanmeant;thatifthemissingslavewasfound,thepostponementwouldberevoked,theexecutiontakeplaceto-day.Well,themissingslavewasfound.
AConnecticutYankeeinKingArthur\'sCourt-Chapter38Chapter38-SirLauncelotandKnightstotheRescueNEARINGfourintheafternoon.ThescenewasjustoutsidethewallsofLondon.Acool,comfortable,superbday,withabrilliantsun;thekindofdaytomakeonewanttolive,notdie.Themultitudewasprodigiousandfar-reaching;andyetwefifteenpoordevilshadn\'tafriendinit.
Therewassomethingpainfulinthatthought,lookatithowyoumight.
Therewesat,onourtallscaffold,thebuttofthehateandmockeryofallthoseenemies.Wewerebeingmadeaholidayspectacle.Theyhadbuiltasortofgrandstandforthenobilityandgentry,andthesewerethereinfullforce,withtheirladies.Werecognizedagoodmanyofthem.
Thecrowdgotabriefandunexpecteddashofdiversionoutoftheking.
Themomentwewerefreedofourbondshesprangup,inhisfantasticrags,withfacebruisedoutofallrecognition,andproclaimedhimselfArthur,KingofBritain,anddenouncedtheawfulpenaltiesoftreasonuponeverysoultherepresentifhairofhissacredheadweretouched.Itstartledandsurprisedhimtohearthembreakintoavastroaroflaughter.Itwoundedhisdignity,andhelockedhimselfupinsilence.then,althoughthecrowdbeggedhimtogoon,andtriedtoprovokehimtoitbycatcalls,jeers,andshoutsof\"Lethimspeak!Theking!Theking!hishumblesubjectshungerandthirstforwordsofwisdomoutofthemouthoftheirmasterhisSereneandSacredRaggedness!\"
Butitwentfornothing.Heputonallhismajestyandsatunderthisrainofcontemptandinsultunmoved.Hecertainlywasgreatinhisway.
Absently,Ihadtakenoffmywhitebandageandwounditaboutmyrightarm.Whenthecrowdnoticedthis,theybeganuponme.Theysaid:
\"Doubtlessthissailor-manishisminister——observehiscostlybadgeofoffice!\"
Iletthemgoonuntiltheygottired,andthenIsaid:
\"Yes,Iamhisminister,TheBoss;andto-morrowyouwillhearthatfromCamelotwhich——\"
Igotnofurther.Theydrownedmeoutwithjoyousderision.Butpresentlytherewassilence;forthesheriffsofLondon,intheirofficialrobes,withtheirsubordinates,begantomakeastirwhichindicatedthatbusinesswasabouttobegin.Inthehushwhichfollowed,ourcrimewasrecited,thedeathwarrantread,theneverybodyuncoveredwhileapriestutteredaprayer.
Thenaslavewasblindfolded;thehangmanunslunghisrope.Therelaythesmoothroadbelowus,weupononesideofit,thebankedmultitudewailingitsotherside——agoodclearroad,andkeptfreebythepolice——howgooditwouldbetoseemyfivehundredhorsemencometearingdownit!Butno,itwasoutofthepossibilities.Ifolloweditsrecedingthreadoutintothedistance——notahorsemanonit,orsignofone.
Therewasajerk,andtheslavehungdangling;danglingandhideouslysquirming,forhislimbswerenottied.
Asecondropewasunslung,inamomentanotherslavewasdangling.
Inaminuteathirdslavewasstrugglingintheair.Itwasdreadful.
Iturnedawaymyheadamoment,andwhenIturnedbackImissedtheking!
Theywereblindfoldinghim!Iwasparalyzed;Icouldn\'tmove,Iwaschoking,mytonguewaspetrified.Theyfinishedblindfoldinghim,theyledhimundertherope.Icouldn\'tshakeoffthatclingingimpotence.ButwhenIsawthemputthenoosearoundhisneck,theneverythingletgoinmeandI
madeaspringtotherescue——andasImadeitIshotonemoreglanceabroad——byGeorge!heretheycame,a-tilting!——fivehundredmailedandbeltedknightsonbicycles!
Thegrandestsightthateverwasseen.Lord,howtheplumesstreamed,howthesunflamedandflashedfromtheendlessprocessionofwebbywheels!
IwavedmyrightarmasLauncelotsweptin——herecognizedmyrag——
Itoreawaynooseandbandage,andshouted:
\"Onyourknees,everyrascalofyou,andsalutetheking!Whofailsshallsupinhellto-night!\"
IalwaysusethathighstylewhenI\'mclimaxinganeffect.Well,itwasnobletoseeLauncelotandtheboysswarmupontothatscaffoldandheavesheriffsandsuchoverboard.Anditwasfinetoseethatastonishedmultitudegodownontheirkneesandbegtheirlivesofthekingtheyhadjustbeenderidingandinsulting.Andashestoodapartthere,receivingthishomageinrags,Ithoughttomyself,well,reallythereissomethingpeculiarlygrandaboutthegaitandbearingofaking,afterall.
Iwasimmenselysatisfied.Takethewholesituationallaround,itwasoneofthegaudiesteffectsIeverinstigated.
AndpresentlyupcomesClarence,hisownself!andwinks,andsays,verymodernly:
\"Gooddealofasurprise,wasn\'tit?Iknewyou\'dlikeit.I\'vehadtheboyspracticingthislongtime,privately;andjusthungryforachancetoshowoff.\"
AConnecticutYankeeinKingArthur\'sCourt-Chapter39Chapter39-TheYankee\'sFightWiththeKnightsHOMEagain,atCamelot.AmorningortwolaterIfoundthepaper,dampfromthepress,bymyplateatthebreakfasttable.Iturnedtotheadvertisingcolumns,knowingIshouldfindsomethingofpersonalinteresttomethere.
Itwasthis:DEPARLEROI.
Knowthatthegreatlordandillus-
triousKni8ht,SIRSAGRAMORLE
DESIROUSnavingcondescendedtomeettheKing\'sMinister,HankMor-
gan,thewhichissurnamedTheBoss,forsatisfgctionofoffenceancientlygiven,thesewilLengageinthelistsbyCamelotaboutthefourthhourofthemorningofthesixteenthdayofthisnextsucceedingmonth.Thebattlewillbealoutrance,siththesaidoffencewasofadeadlysort,admittingofnocomPosition.
DEPARLEROIClarence\'seditorialreferencetothisaffairwastothiseffect:Itwillbeobserved,byagl7nceatouradvertisingcolumns,thatthecommu-
nityistobefavoredwithatreatofun-
usualinterestinthetournamentline.
ThenamesoftheartistsarewarrantofgoodenterTemment.Thebox-officewillbeopenatnoonofthe13th;ad-
mission3cents,reservedseatsh5;pro-
ceedstogotothehospitalfundTheroyalpairandalltheCourtwillbepres-
ent.Withtheseexceptions,andthepressandtheclergy,thefreelistisstrict-
lysusPended.Partiesareherebywarn-
edagainstbuyingticketsofspeculators;
theywillnotbegoodatthedoor.
EverybodyknowsandlikesTheBoss,everybodyknowsandlikesSirSag.;
come,letusgivetheladsagoodsend-
off.ReMember,theproceedsgotoagreatandfreecharity,andonewhosebroadbegevolencestretchesoutitshelp-
inghand,warmwiththebloodofalov-
ingheart,toallthatsuffer,regardlessofrace,creed,conditionorcolor——theonlycharityyetestablishedintheearthwhichhasnopolitico-religiousstop-
cockonitscompassion,butsaysHereflowsthestream,letALLcomeanddrink!Turnout,allhands!fetchalongyourdou3hnutsandyourgum-dropsandhaveagoodtime.Pieforsaleonthegrounds,androckstocrackitwith;
andciRcus-lemonade——threedropsoflimejuicetoabarrelofwater.
N.B.Thisisthefirsttournamentunderthenewlaw,whidhalloweachcombatanttouseanyweaponhemaypre-
fer.Youmaywanttomakeanoteofthat.Uptothedayset,therewasnotalkinallBritainofanythingbutthiscombat.Allothertopicssankintoinsignificanceandpassedoutofmen\'sthoughtsandinterest.Itwasnotbecauseatournamentwasagreatmatter,itwasnotbecauseSirSagramorhadfoundtheHolyGrail,forhehadnot,buthadfailed;itwasnotbecausethesecondofficialpersonageinthekingdomwasoneoftheduellists;no,allthesefeatureswerecommonplace.
Yettherewasabundantreasonfortheextraordinaryinterestwhichthiscomingfightwascreating.Itwasbornofthefactthatallthenationknewthatthiswasnottobeaduelbetweenmeremen,sotospeak,butaduelbetweentwomightymagicians;aduelnotofmusclebutofmind,notofhumanskillbutofsuperhumanartandcraft;afinalstruggleforsupremacybetweenthetwomasterenchantersoftheage.Itwasrealizedthatthemostprodigiousachievementsofthemostrenownedknightscouldnotbeworthyofcomparisonwithaspectaclelikethis;theycouldbebutchild\'splay,contrastedwiththismysteriousandawfulbattleofthegods.
Yes,alltheworldknewitwasgoingtobeinrealityaduelbetweenMerlinandme,ameasuringofhismagicpowersagainstmine.ItwasknownthatMerlinhadbeenbusywholedaysandnightstogether,imbuingSirSagramor\'sarmsandarmorwithsupernalpowersofoffenseanddefense,andthathehadprocuredforhimfromthespiritsoftheairafleecyveilwhichwouldrenderthewearerinvisibletohisantagonistwhilestillvisibletoothermen.AgainstSirSagramor,soweaponedandprotected,athousandknightscouldaccomplishnothing;againsthimnoknownenchantmentscouldprevail.
Thesefactsweresure;regardingthemtherewasnodoubt,noreasonfordoubt.Therewasbutonequestion:mighttherebestillotherenchantments,UNKNOWNtoMerlin,whichcouldrenderSirSagramor\'sveiltransparenttome,andmakehisenchantedmailvulnerabletomyweapons?Thiswastheonethingtobedecidedinthelists.Untilthentheworldmustremaininsuspense.
Sotheworldthoughttherewasavastmatteratstakehere,andtheworldwasright,butitwasnottheonetheyhadintheirminds.No,afarvasteronewasuponthecastofthisdie:THELIFEOFKNIGHT-ERRANTRY.
Iwasachampion,itwastrue,butnotthechampionofthefrivolousblackarts,Iwasthechampionofhardunsentimentalcommon-senseandreason.
Iwasenteringtheliststoeitherdestroyknight-errantryorbeitsvictim.
Vastastheshow-groundswere,therewerenovacantspacesinthemoutsideofthelists,atteno\'clockonthemorningofthe16th.Themammothgrand-standwasclothedinflags,streamers,andrichtapestries,andpackedwithseveralacresofsmall-frytributarykings,theirsuites,andtheBritisharistocracy;
withourownroyalganginthechiefplace,andeachandeveryindividualaflashingprismofgaudysilksandvelvets——well,IneversawanythingtobeginwithitbutafightbetweenanUpperMississippisunsetandtheauroraborealis.Thehugecampofbeflaggedandgaycoloredtentsatoneendofthelists,withastiffstandingsentinelateverydoorandashiningshieldhangingbyhimforchallenge,wasanotherfinesight.Yousee,everyknightwastherewhohadanyambitionoranycastefeeling;formyfeelingtowardtheirorderwasnotmuchofasecret,andsoherewastheirchance.
IfIwonmyfightwithSirSagramor,otherswouldhavetherighttocallmeoutaslongasImightbewillingtorespond.
Downatourendtherewerebuttwotents;oneforme,andanotherformyservants.Attheappointedhourthekingmadeasign,andtheheralds,intheirtabards,appearedandmadeproclamation,namingthecombatantsandstatingthecauseofquarrel.Therewasapause,thenaringingbugle-blast,whichwasthesignalforustocomeforth.Allthemultitudecaughttheirbreath,andaneagercuriosityflashedintoeveryface.
OutfromhistentrodegreatSirSagramor,animposingtowerofiron,statelyandrigid,hishugespearstandinguprightinitssocketandgraspedinhisstronghand,hisgrandhorse\'sfaceandbreastcasedinsteel,hisbodyclothedinrichtrappingsthatalmostdraggedtheground——oh,amostnoblepicture.Agreatshoutwentup,ofwelcomeandadmiration.
AndthenoutIcame.ButIdidn\'tgetanyshout.Therewasawonderingandeloquentsilenceforamoment,thenagreatwaveoflaughterbegantosweepalongthathumansea,butawarningbugle-blastcutitscareershort.Iwasinthesimplestandcomfortablestofgymnastcostumes——flesh-coloredtightsfromnecktoheel,withbluesilkpuffingsaboutmyloins,andbareheaded.
Myhorsewasnotabovemediumsize,buthewasalert,slender-limbed,muscledwithwatchsprings,andjustagreyhoundtogo.Hewasabeauty,glossyassilk,andnakedashewaswhenhewasborn,exceptforbridleandranger-saddle.
Theirontowerandthegorgeousbedquiltcamecumbrouslybutgracefullypirouettingdownthelists,andwetrippedlightlyuptomeetthem.Wehalted;thetowersaluted,Iresponded;thenwewheeledandrodesidebysidetothegrand-standandfacedourkingandqueen,towhomwemadeobeisance.
Thequeenexclaimed:
\"Alack,SirBoss,wiltfightnaked,andwithoutlanceorswordor——\"
Butthekingcheckedherandmadeherunderstand,withapolitephraseortwo,thatthiswasnoneofherbusiness.Thebuglesrangagain;andweseparatedandrodetotheendsofthelists,andtookposition.NowoldMerlinsteppedintoviewandcastadaintywebofgossamerthreadsoverSirSagramorwhichturnedhimintoHamlet\'sghost;thekingmadeasign,thebuglesblew,SirSagramorlaidhisgreatlanceinrest,andthenextmomentherehecamethunderingdownthecoursewithhisveilflyingoutbehind,andIwentwhistlingthroughtheairlikeanarrowtomeethim——cockingmyearthewhile,asifnotingtheinvisibleknight\'spositionandprogressbyhearing,notsight.Achorusofencouragingshoutsburstoutforhim,andonebravevoiceflungoutahearteningwordforme——
said:
\"Goit,slimJim!\"
ItwasanevenbetthatClarencehadprocuredthatfavorforme——andfurnishedthelanguage,too.Whenthatformidablelance-pointwaswithinayardandahalfofmybreastItwitchedmyhorseasidewithoutaneffort,andthebigknightsweptby,scoringablank.Igotplentyofapplausethattime.Weturned,bracedup,anddownwecameagain.Anotherblankfortheknight,aroarofapplauseforme.Thissamethingwasrepeatedoncemore;anditfetchedsuchawhirlwindofapplausethatSirSagramorlosthistemper,andatoncechangedhistacticsandsethimselfthetaskofchasingmedown.Why,hehadn\'tanyshowintheworldatthat;itwasagameoftag,withalltheadvantageonmyside;IwhirledoutofhispathwitheasewheneverIchose,andonceIslappedhimonthebackasIwenttotherear.FinallyItookthechaseintomyownhands;andafterthat,turn,ortwist,ordowhathewould,hewasneverabletogetbehindmeagain;hefoundhimselfalwaysinfrontattheendofhismaneuver.
Sohegaveupthatbusinessandretiredtohisendofthelists.Histemperwascleargonenow,andheforgothimselfandflunganinsultatmewhichdisposedofmine.Islippedmylassofromthehornofmysaddle,andgraspedthecoilinmyrighthand.Thistimeyoushouldhaveseenhimcome!——
itwasabusinesstrip,sure;byhisgaittherewasbloodinhiseye.I
wassittingmyhorseatease,andswingingthegreatloopofmylassoinwidecirclesaboutmyhead;themomenthewasunderway,Istartedforhim;whenthespacebetweenushadnarrowedtofortyfeet,Isentthesnakyspiralsoftheropea-cleavingthroughtheair,thendartedasideandfacedaboutandbroughtmytrainedanimaltoahaltwithallhisfeetbracedunderhimforasurge.ThenextmomenttheropesprangtautandyankedSirSagramoroutofthesaddle!GreatScott,buttherewasasensation!
Unquestionably,thepopularthinginthisworldisnovelty.Thesepeoplehadneverseenanythingofthatcowboybusinessbefore,anditcarriedthemclearofftheirfeetwithdelight.Fromallaroundandeverywhere,theshoutwentup:
\"Encore!encore!\"
Iwonderedwheretheygottheword,buttherewasnotimetocipheronphilologicalmatters,becausethewholeknight-errantryhivewasjusthummingnow,andmyprospectfortradecouldn\'thavebeenbetter.ThemomentmylassowasreleasedandSirSagramorhadbeenassistedtohistent,I
hauledintheslack,tookmystationandbegantoswingmylooparoundmyheadagain.IwassuretohaveuseforitassoonastheycouldelectasuccessorforSirSagramor,andthatcouldn\'ttakelongwherethereweresomanyhungrycandidates.Indeed,theyelectedonestraightoff——SirHervisdeRevel.
BZZ!Herehecame,likeahouseafire;Idodged:hepassedlikeaflash,withmyhorse-haircoilssettlingaroundhisneck;asecondorsolater,FST!hissaddlewasempty.
Igotanotherencore;andanother,andanother,andstillanother.WhenIhadsnakedfivemenout,thingsbegantolookserioustotheironclads,andtheystoppedandconsultedtogether.Asaresult,theydecidedthatitwastimetowaiveetiquetteandsendtheirgreatestandbestagainstme.Totheastonishmentofthatlittleworld,IlassoedSirLamorakdeGalis,andafterhimSirGalahad.Soyouseetherewassimplynothingtobedonenow,butplaytheirrightbower——bringoutthesuperbestofthesuperb,themightiestofthemighty,thegreatSirLauncelothimself!
Aproudmomentforme?Ishouldthinkso.YonderwasArthur,KingofBritain;yonderwasGuenever;yes,andwholetribesoflittleprovincialkingsandkinglets;andinthetentedcampyonder,renownedknightsfrommanylands;andlikewisetheselectestbodyknowntochivalry,theKnightsoftheTableRound,themostillustriousinChristendom;andbiggestfactofall,theverysunoftheirshiningsystemwasyondercouchinghislance,thefocalpointoffortythousandadoringeyes;andallbymyself,herewasIlayingforhim.Acrossmymindflittedthedearimageofacertainhello-girlofWestHartford,andIwishedshecouldseemenow.Inthatmoment,downcametheInvincible,withtherushofawhirlwind——thecourtlyworldrosetoitsfeetandbentforward——thefatefulcoilswentcirclingthroughtheair,andbeforeyoucouldwinkIwastowingSirLauncelotacrossthefieldonhisback,andkissingmyhandtothestormofwavingkerchiefsandthethunder-crashofapplausethatgreetedme!
SaidItomyself,asIcoiledmylariatandhungitonmysaddle-horn,andsattheredrunkwithglory,\"Thevictoryisperfect——nootherwillventureagainstme——knight-errantryisdead.\"Nowimaginemyastonishment——andeverybodyelse\'s,too——tohearthepeculiarbugle-callwhichannouncesthatanothercompetitorisabouttoenterthelists!Therewasamysteryhere;Icouldn\'taccountforthisthing.Next,InoticedMerlinglidingawayfromme;andthenInoticedthatmylassowasgone!Theoldsleight-of-handexperthadstolenit,sure,andslippeditunderhisrobe.
Thebugleblewagain.Ilooked,anddowncameSagramorridingagain,withhisdustbrushedoffandisveilnicelyre-arranged.Itrotteduptomeethim,andpretendedtofindhimbythesoundofhishorse\'shoofs.
Hesaid:
\"Thou\'rtquickofear,butitwillnotsavetheefromthis!\"andhetouchedthehiltofhisgreatsword.\"Anyearenotabletoseeit,becauseoftheinfluenceoftheveil,knowthatitisnocumbrouslance,butasword——andIweenyewillnotbeabletoavoidit.\"
Hisvisorwasup;therewasdeathinhissmile.Ishouldneverbeabletododgehissword,thatwasplain.Somebodywasgoingtodiethistime.
Ifhegotthedroponme,Icouldnamethecorpse.Werodeforwardtogether,andsalutedtheroyalties.Thistimethekingwasdisturbed.Hesaid:
\"Whereisthystrangeweapon?\"
\"Itisstolen,sire.\"
\"Hastanotherathand?\"
\"No,sire,Ibroughtonlytheone.\"
ThenMerlinmixedin:
\"Hebroughtbuttheonebecausetherewasbuttheonetobring.Thereexistsnoneotherbutthatone.ItbelongethtothekingoftheDemonsoftheSea.Thismanisapretender,andignorant,elsehehadknownthatthatweaponcanbeusedinbuteightboutsonly,andthenitvanishethawaytoitshomeunderthesea.\"
\"Thenisheweaponless,\"saidtheking.\"SirSagramore,yewillgranthimleavetoborrow.\"
\"AndIwilllend!\"saidSirLauncelot,limpingup.\"Heisasbraveaknightofhishandsasanythatbeonlive,andheshallhavemine.\"
Heputhishandonhisswordtodrawit,butSirSagramorsaid:
\"Stay,itmaynotbe.Heshallfightwithhisownweapons;itwashisprivilegetochoosethemandbringthem.Ifhehaserred,onhisheadbeit.\"
\"Knight!\"saidtheking.\"Thou\'rtoverwroughtwithpassion;itdisordersthymind.Wouldstkillanakedman?\"
\"Anhedoit,heshallanswerittome,\"saidSirLauncelot.
\"Iwillanswerittoanyhethatdesireth!\"retortedSirSagramorhotly.
Merlinbrokein,rubbinghishandsandsmilinghislowdownestsmileofmaliciousgratification:
\"\'Tiswellsaid,rightwellsaid!And\'tisenoughofparleying,letmylordthekingdeliverthebattlesignal.\"
Thekinghadtoyield.Thebuglemadeproclamation,andweturnedapartandrodetoourstations.Therewestood,ahundredyardsapart,facingeachother,rigidandmotionless,likehorsedstatues.Andsoweremained,inasoundlesshush,asmuchasafullminute,everybodygazing,nobodystirring.Itseemedasifthekingcouldnottakehearttogivethesignal.
Butatlastheliftedhishand,theclearnoteofthebuglefollowed,SirSagramor\'slongbladedescribedaflashingcurveintheair,anditwassuperbtoseehimcome.Isatstill.Onhecame.Ididnotmove.Peoplegotsoexcitedthattheyshoutedtome:
\"Fly,fly!Savethyself!Thisismurther!\"
Ineverbudgedsomuchasaninchtillthatthunderngapparitionhadgotwithinfifteenpacesofme;thenIsnatchedadragoonrevolveroutofmyholster,therewasaflashandaroar,andtherevolverwasbackintheholsterbeforeanybodycouldtellwhathadhappened.
Herewasariderlesshorseplungingby,andyonderlaySirSagramor,stonedead.
Thepeoplethatrantohimwerestrickendumbtofindthatthelifewasactuallygoneoutofthemanandnoreasonforitvisible,nohurtuponhisbody,nothinglikeawound.Therewasaholethroughthebreastofhischain-mail,buttheyattachednoimportancetoalittlethinglikethat;andasabulletwoundthereproducesbutlittleblood,nonecameinsightbecauseoftheclothingandswaddlingsunderthearmor.Thebodywasdraggedovertoletthekingandtheswellslookdownuponit.Theywerestupefiedwithastonishmentnaturally.Iwasrequestedtocomeandexplainthemiracle.ButIremainedinmytracks,likeastatue,andsaid:
\"Ifitisacommand,Iwillcome,butmylordthekingknowsthatI
amwherethelawsofcombatrequiremetoremainwhileanydesiretocomeagainstme.\"
Iwaited.Nobodychallenged.ThenIsaid:
\"Ifthereareanywhodoubtthatthisfieldiswellandfairlywon,Idonotwaitforthemtochallengeme,Ichallengethem.\"
\"Itisagallantoffer,\"saidtheking,\"andwellbeseemsyou.Whomwillyounamefirst?\"
\"Inamenone,Ichallengeall!HereIstand,anddarethechivalryofEnglandtocomeagainstme——notbyindividuals,butinmass!\"
\"What!\"shoutedascoreofknights.
\"Youhaveheardthechallenge.Takeit,orIproclaimyourecreantknightsandvanquished,everyone!\"
Itwasa\"bluff\"youknow.Atsuchatimeitissoundjudgmenttoputonaboldfaceandplayyourhandforahundredtimeswhatitisworth;
forty-ninetimesoutoffiftynobodydaresto\"call,\"andyourakeinthechips.Butjustthisonce——well,thingslookedsqually!Injustnotime,fivehundredknightswerescramblingintotheirsaddles,andbeforeyoucouldwinkawidelyscatteringdrovewereunderwayandclatteringdownuponme.Isnatchedbothrevolversfromtheholstersandbegantomeasuredistancesandcalculatechances.
Bang!Onesaddleempty.Bang!anotherone.Bang——bang,andIbaggedtwo.Well,itwasnipandtuckwithus,andIknewit.IfIspenttheeleventhshotwithoutconvincingthesepeople,thetwelfthmanwouldkillme,sure.
AndsoIneverdidfeelsohappyasIdidwhenmyninthdowneditsmanandIdetectedthewaveringinthecrowdwhichispremonitoryofpanic.
Aninstantlostnowcouldknockoutmylastchance.ButIdidn\'tloseit.
Iraisedbothrevolversandpointedthem——thehaltedhoststoodtheirgroundjustaboutonegoodsquaremoment,thenbrokeandfled.
Thedaywasmine.Knight-errantrywasadoomedinstitution.Themarchofcivilizationwasbegun.HowdidIfeel?Ah,younevercouldimagineit.
AndBrerMerlin?Hisstockwasflatagain.Somehow,everytimethemagicoffol-de-roltriedconclusionswiththemagicofscience,themagicoffol-de-rolgotleft.
AConnecticutYankeeinKingArthur\'sCourt-Chapter40Chapter40-ThreeYearsLaterWHENIbrokethebackofknight-errantrythattime,Inolongerfeltobligedtoworkinsecret.So,theverynextdayIexposedmyhiddenschools,mymines,andmyvastsystemofclandestinefactoriesandworkshopstoanastonishedworld.Thatistosay,Iexposedthenineteenthcenturytotheinspectionofthesixth.
Well,itisalwaysagoodplantofollowupanadvantagepromptly.Theknightsweretemporarilydown,butifIwouldkeepthemsoImustjustsimplyparalyzethem——nothingshortofthatwouldanswer.Yousee,I
was\"bluffing\"thatlasttimeinthefield;itwouldbenaturalforthemtoworkaroundtothatconclusion,ifIgavethemachance.SoImustnotgivethemtime;andIdidn\'t.
Irenewedmychallenge,engraveditonbrass,posteditupwhereanypriestcouldreadittothem,andalsokeptitstandingintheadvertisingcolumnsofthepaper.
Inotonlyrenewedit,butaddedtoitsproportions.Isaid,nametheday,andIwouldtakefiftyassistantsandstandupAGAINSTTHEMASSED
CHIVALRYOFTHEWHOLEEARTHANDDESTROYIT.
Iwasnotbluffingthistime.ImeantwhatIsaid;IcoulddowhatI
promised.Therewasn\'tanywaytomisunderstandthelanguageofthatchallenge.
Eventhedullestofthechivalryperceivedthatthiswasaplaincaseof\"putup,orshutup.\"Theywerewiseanddidthelatter.Inallthenextthreeyearstheygavemenotroubleworthmentioning.
Considerthethreeyearssped.NowlookaroundonEngland.Ahappyandprosperouscountry,andstrangelyaltered.Schoolseverywhere,andseveralcolleges;anumberofprettygoodnewspapers.Evenauthorshipwastakingastart;SirDinadantheHumoristwasfirstinthefield,withavolumeofgray-headedjokeswhichIhadbeenfamiliarwithduringthirteencenturies.
IfhehadleftoutthatoldrancidoneaboutthelecturerIwouldn\'thavesaidanything;butIcouldn\'tstandthatone.Isuppressedthebookandhangedtheauthor.
Slaverywasdeadandgone;allmenwereequalbeforethelaw;taxationhadbeenequalized.Thetelegraph,thetelephone,thephonograph,thetypewriter,thesewing-machine,andallthethousandwillingandhandyservantsofsteamandelectricitywereworkingtheirwayintofavor.WehadasteamboatortwoontheThames,wehadsteamwarships,andthebeginningsofasteamcommercialmarine;IwasgettingreadytosendoutanexpeditiontodiscoverAmerica.
Wewerebuildingseverallinesofrailway,andourlinefromCamelottoLondonwasalreadyfinishedandinoperation.Iwasshrewdenoughtomakeallofficesconnectedwiththepassengerserviceplacesofhighanddistinguishedhonor.Myideawastoattractthechivalryandnobility,andmakethemusefulandkeepthemoutofmischief.Theplanworkedverywell,thecompetitionfortheplaceswashot.Theconductorofthe4.33
expresswasaduke;therewasn\'tapassengerconductoronthelinebelowthedegreeofearl.Theyweregoodmen,everyone,buttheyhadtwodefectswhichIcouldn\'tcure,andsohadtowinkat:theywouldn\'tlayasidetheirarmor,andtheywould\"knockdown\"fare——Imeanrobthecompany.
Therewashardlyaknightinallthelandwhowasn\'tinsomeusefulemployment.Theyweregoingfromendtoendofthecountryinallmannerofusefulmissionarycapacities;theirpenchantforwandering,andtheirexperienceinit,madethemaltogetherthemosteffectivespreadersofcivilizationwehad.Theywentclothedinsteelandequippedwithswordandlanceandbattle-axe,andiftheycouldn\'tpersuadeapersontotryasewing-machineontheinstallmentplan,oramelodeon,orabarbed-wirefence,oraprohibitionjournal,oranyoftheotherthousandandonethingstheycanvassedfor,theyremovedhimandpassedon.
Iwasveryhappy.Thingswereworkingsteadilytowardasecretlylonged-forpoint.Yousee,Ihadtwoschemesinmyheadwhichwerethevastestofallmyprojects.TheonewastooverthrowtheCatholicChurchandsetuptheProtestantfaithonitsruins——notasanEstablishedChurch,butago-as-you-pleaseone;andtheotherprojectwastogetadecreeissuedbyandby,commandingthatuponArthur\'sdeathunlimitedsuffrageshouldbeintroduced,andgiventomenandwomenalike——atanyratetoallmen,wiseorunwise,andtoallmotherswhoatmiddleageshouldbefoundtoknownearlyasmuchastheirsonsattwenty-one.Arthurwasgoodforthirtyyearsyet,hebeingaboutmyownage——thatistosay,forty——andI
believedthatinthattimeIcouldeasilyhavetheactivepartofthepopulationofthatdayreadyandeagerforaneventwhichshouldbethefirstofitskindinthehistoryoftheworld——aroundedandcompletegovernmentalrevolutionwithoutbloodshed.Theresulttobearepublic.Well,Imayaswellconfess,thoughIdofeelashamedwhenIthinkofit:Iwasbeginningtohaveabasehankeringtobeitsfirstpresidentmyself.Yes,therewasmoreorlesshumannatureinme;Ifoundthatout.
Clarencewaswithmeasconcernedtherevolution,butinamodifiedway.Hisideawasarepublic,withoutprivilegedorders,butwithahereditaryroyalfamilyattheheadofitinsteadofanelectivechiefmagistrate.
Hebelievedthatnonationthathadeverknownthejoyofworshipingaroyalfamilycouldeverberobbedofitandnotfadeawayanddieofmelancholy.
Iurgedthatkingsweredangerous.Hesaid,thenhavecats.Hewassurethataroyalfamilyofcatswouldanswereverypurpose.Theywouldbeasusefulasanyotherroyalfamily,theywouldknowasmuch,theywouldhavethesamevirtuesandthesametreacheries,thesamedispositiontogetupshindieswithotherroyalcats,theywouldbelaughablyvainandabsurdandneverknowit,theywouldbewhollyinexpensive;finally,theywouldhaveassoundadivinerightasanyotherroyalhouse,and\"TomVII.,orTomXI.,orTomXIV.bythegraceofGodKing,\"wouldsoundaswellasitwouldwhenappliedtotheordinaryroyaltomcatwithtightson.\"Andasarule,\"saidhe,inhisneatmodernEnglish,\"thecharacterofthesecatswouldbeconsiderablyabovethecharacteroftheaverageking,andthiswouldbeanimmensemoraladvantagetothenation,forthereasonthatanationalwaysmodelsitsmoralsafteritsmonarch\'s.Theworshipofroyaltybeingfoundedinunreason,thesegracefulandharmlesscatswouldeasilybecomeassacredasanyotherroyalties,andindeedmoreso,becauseitwouldpresentlybenoticedthattheyhangednobody,beheadednobody,imprisonednobody,inflictednocrueltiesorinjusticesofanysort,andsomustbeworthyofadeeperloveandreverencethanthecustomaryhumanking,andwouldcertainlygetit.Theeyesofthewholeharriedworldwouldsoonbefixeduponthishumaneandgentlesystem,androyalbutcherswouldpresentlybegintodisappear;theirsubjectswouldfillthevacancieswithcatlingsfromourownroyalhouse;weshouldbecomeafactory;weshouldsupplythethronesoftheworld;withinfortyyearsallEuropewouldbegovernedbycats,andweshouldfurnishthecats.Thereignofuniversalpeacewouldbeginthen,toendnomoreforeverMe-e-e-yow-ow-ow-ow——fzt!——wow!\"
Hanghim,Isupposedhewasinearnest,andwasbeginningtobepersuadedbyhim,untilheexplodedthatcat-howlandstartledmealmostoutofmyclothes.Buthenevercouldbeinearnest.Hedidn\'tknowwhatitwas.
Hehadpicturedadistinctandperfectlyrationalandfeasibleimprovementuponconstitutionalmonarchy,buthewastoofeather-headedtoknowit,orcareanythingaboutit,either.Iwasgoingtogivehimascolding,butSandycameflyinginatthatmoment,wildwithterror,andsochokedwithsobsthatforaminuteshecouldnotgethervoice.Iranandtookherinmyarms,andlavishedcaressesuponherandsaid,beseechingly:
\"Speak,darling,speak!Whatisit?\"
Herheadfelllimpuponmybosom,andshegasped,almostinaudibly:
\"HELLO-CENTRAL!\"
\"Quick!\"IshoutedtoClarence;\"telephonetheking\'shomeopathtocome!\"
IntwominutesIwaskneelingbythechild\'scrib,andSandywasdispatchingservantshere,there,andeverywhere,alloverthepalace.Itookinthesituationalmostataglance——membranouscroup!Ibentdownandwhispered:
\"Wakeup,sweetheart!Hello-Central\"
Sheopenedhersofteyeslanguidly,andmadeouttosay:
\"Papa.\"
Thatwasacomfort.Shewasfarfromdeadyet.Isentforpreparationsofsulphur,Iroustedoutthecroup-kettlemyself;forIdon\'tsitdownandwaitfordoctorswhenSandyorthechildissick.Iknewhowtonursebothofthem,andhadhadexperience.Thislittlechaphadlivedinmyarmsagoodpartofitssmalllife,andoftenIcouldsootheawayitstroublesandgetittolaughthroughthetear-dewsonitseyelasheswhenevenitsmothercouldn\'t.
SirLauncelot,inhisrichestarmor,camestridingalongthegreathallnowonhiswaytothestockboard;hewaspresidentofthestock-board,andoccupiedtheSiegePerilous,whichhehadboughtofSirGalahad;forthestock-boardconsistedoftheKnightsoftheRoundTable,andtheyusedtheRoundTableforbusinesspurposesnow.Seatsatitwereworth——well,youwouldneverbelievethefigure,soitisnousetostateit.SirLauncelotwasabear,andhehadputupacornerinoneofthenewlines,andwasjustgettingreadytosqueezetheshortsto-day;butwhatofthat?HewasthesameoldLauncelot,andwhenheglancedinashewaspassingthedoorandfoundoutthathispetwassick,thatwasenoughforhim;bullsandbearsmightfightitouttheirownwayforallhim,hewouldcomerightinhereandstandbylittleHello-Centralforallhewasworth.Andthatwaswhathedid.Heshiedhishelmetintothecorner,andinhalfaminutehehadanewwickinthealcohollampandwasfiringuponthecroup-kettle.
BythistimeSandyhadbuiltablanketcanopyoverthecrib,andeverythingwasready.