andwiththemwentthatmagician——andhewasonarail,too,bytheabbot\'sorder;andhisreputationwasinthemud,andminewasintheskyagain.
Yes,amancankeephistrademarkcurrentinsuchacountry,buthecan\'tsitaroundanddoit;hehasgottobeondeckandattendingtobusinessrightalong.
AConnecticutYankeeinKingArthur\'sCourt-Chapter25Chapter25-ACompetitiveExaminationWHENthekingtraveledforchangeofair,ormadeaprogress,orvisitedadistantnoblewhomhewishedtobankruptwiththecostofhiskeep,partoftheadministrationmovedwithhim.Itwasafashionofthetime.TheCommissionchargedwiththeexaminationofcandidatesforpostsinthearmycamewiththekingtotheValley,whereastheycouldhavetransactedtheirbusinessjustaswellathome.Andalthoughthisexpeditionwasstrictlyaholidayexcursionfortheking,hekeptsomeofhisbusinessfunctionsgoingjustthesame.Hetouchedfortheevil,asusual;heheldcourtinthegateatsunriseandtriedcases,forhewashimselfChiefJusticeoftheKing\'sBench.
Heshoneverywellinthislatteroffice.Hewasawiseandhumanejudge,andheclearlydidhishonestbestandfairest,——accordingtohislights.
Thatisalargereservation.Hislights——Imeanhisrearing——oftencoloredhisdecisions.Whenevertherewasadisputebetweenanobleorgentlemanandapersonoflowerdegree,theking\'sleaningsandsympathieswerefortheformerclassalways,whetherhesuspecteditornot.Itwasimpossiblethatthisshouldbeotherwise.Thebluntingeffectsofslaveryupontheslaveholder\'smoralperceptionsareknownandconceded,theworldover;andaprivilegedclass,anaristocracy,isbutabandofslaveholdersunderanothername.Thishasaharshsound,andyetshouldnotbeoffensivetoany——eventothenoblehimself——unlessthefactitselfbeanoffense:
forthestatementsimplyformulatesafact.TherepulsivefeatureofslaveryistheTHING,notitsname.Oneneedsbuttohearanaristocratspeakoftheclassesthatarebelowhimtorecognize——andinbutindifferentlymodifiedmeasure——theveryairandtoneoftheactualslaveholder;andbehindthesearetheslaveholder\'sspirit,theslaveholder\'sbluntedfeeling.
Theyaretheresultofthesamecauseinbothcases:thepossessor\'soldandinbredcustomofregardinghimselfasasuperiorbeing.Theking\'sjudgmentswroughtfrequentinjustices,butitwasmerelythefaultofhistraining,hisnaturalandunalterablesympathies.Hewasasunfittedforajudgeshipaswouldbetheaveragemotherforthepositionofmilk-distributortostarvingchildreninfamine-time;herownchildrenwouldfareashadebetterthantherest.
Oneverycuriouscasecamebeforetheking.Ayounggirl,anorphan,whohadaconsiderableestate,marriedafineyoungfellowwhohadnothing.
Thegirl\'spropertywaswithinaseignioryheldbytheChurch.Thebishopofthediocese,anarrogantscionofthegreatnobility,claimedthegirl\'sestateonthegroundthatshehadmarriedprivately,andthushadcheatedtheChurchoutofoneofitsrightsaslordoftheseigniory——theoneheretoforereferredtoasledroitduseigneur.Thepenaltyofrefusaloravoidancewasconfiscation.Thegirl\'sdefensewas,thatthelordshipoftheseigniorywasvestedinthebishop,andtheparticularrighthereinvolvedwasnottransferable,butmustbeexercisedbythelordhimselforstandvacated;andthatanolderlaw,oftheChurchitself,strictlybarredthebishopfromexercisingit.Itwasaveryoddcase,indeed.
ItremindedmeofsomethingIhadreadinmyyouthabouttheingeniouswayinwhichthealdermenofLondonraisedthemoneythatbuilttheMansionHouse.ApersonwhohadnottakentheSacramentaccordingtotheAnglicanritecouldnotstandasacandidateforsheriffofLondon.ThusDissenterswereineligible;theycouldnotrunifasked,theycouldnotserveifelected.
Thealdermen,whowithoutanyquestionwereYankeesindisguise,hituponthisneatdevice:theypassedaby-lawimposingafineofL400uponanyonewhoshouldrefusetobeacandidateforsheriff,andafineofL600
uponanypersonwho,afterbeingelectedsheriff,refusedtoserve.ThentheywenttoworkandelectedalotofDissenters,oneafteranother,andkeptitupuntiltheyhadcollectedL15,000infines;andtherestandsthestatelyMansionHousetothisday,tokeeptheblushingcitizeninmindofalongpastandlamenteddaywhenabandofYankeesslippedintoLondonandplayedgamesofthesortthathasgiventheirraceauniqueandshadyreputationamongalltrulygoodandholypeoplesthatbeintheearth.
Thegirl\'scaseseemedstrongtome;thebishop\'scasewasjustasstrong.
Ididnotseehowthekingwasgoingtogetoutofthishole.Buthegotout.Iappendhisdecision:
\"TrulyIfindsmalldifficultyhere,thematterbeingevenachild\'saffairforsimpleness.Antheyoungbridehadconveyednotice,asindutybound,toherfeudallordandpropermasterandprotectorthebishop,shehadsufferednoloss,forthesaidbishopcouldhavegotadispensationmakinghim,fortemporaryconveniency,eligibletotheexerciseofhissaidright,andthuswouldshehavekeptallshehad.Whereas,failinginherfirstduty,shehathbythatfailurefailedinall;forwhoso,clingingtoarope,severethitabovehishands,mustfall;itbeingnodefensetoclaimthattherestoftheropeissound,neitheranydeliverancefromhisperil,asheshallfind.Pardy,thewoman\'scaseisrottenatthesource.
Itisthedecreeofthecourtthatsheforfeittothesaidlordbishopallhergoods,eventothelastfarthingthatshedothpossess,andbetheretomulctedinthecosts.Next!\"
Herewasatragicendtoabeautifulhoneymoonnotyetthreemonthsold.Pooryoungcreatures!Theyhadlivedthesethreemonthslappedtothelipsinworldlycomforts.Theseclothesandtrinketstheywerewearingwereasfineanddaintyastheshrewdeststretchofthesumptuarylawsallowedtopeopleoftheirdegree;andintheseprettyclothes,shecryingonhisshoulder,andhetryingtocomfortherwithhopefulwordssettothemusicofdespair,theywentfromthejudgmentseatoutintotheworldhomeless,bedless,breadless;why,theverybeggarsbytheroadsideswerenotsopoorasthey.
Well,thekingwasoutofthehole;andontermssatisfactorytotheChurchandtherestofthearistocracy,nodoubt.Menwritemanyfineandplausibleargumentsinsupportofmonarchy,butthefactremainsthatwhereeverymaninaStatehasavote,brutallawsareimpossible.Arthur\'speoplewereofcoursepoormaterialforarepublic,becausetheyhadbeendebasedsolongbymonarchy;andyeteventheywouldhavebeenintelligentenoughtomakeshortworkofthatlawwhichthekinghadjustbeenadministeringifithadbeensubmittedtotheirfullandfreevote.Thereisaphrasewhichhasgrownsocommonintheworld\'smouththatithascometoseemtohavesenseandmeaning——thesenseandmeaningimpliedwhenitisused;
thatisthephrasewhichreferstothisorthatortheothernationaspossiblybeing\"capableofselfgovernment\";andtheimpliedsenseofitis,thattherehasbeenanationsomewhere,sometimeorotherwhichWASN\'T
capableofit——wasn\'tasabletogovernitselfassomeself-appointedspecialistswereorwouldbetogovernit.Themastermindsofallnations,inallages,havesprunginaffluentmultitudefromthemassofthenation,andfromthemassofthenationonly——notfromitsprivilegedclasses;
andso,nomatterwhatthenation\'sintellectualgradewas;whetherhighorlow,thebulkofitsabilitywasinthelongranksofitsnamelessanditspoor,andsoitneversawthedaythatithadnotthematerialinabundancewherebytogovernitself.Whichistoassertanalwaysself-provenfact:
thateventhebestgovernedandmostfreeandmostenlightenedmonarchyisstillbehindthebestconditionattainablebyitspeople;andthatthesameistrueofkindredgovernmentsoflowergrades,allthewaydowntothelowest.
KingArthurhadhurriedupthearmybusinessaltogetherbeyondmycalculations.
IhadnotsupposedhewouldmoveinthematterwhileIwasaway;andsoIhadnotmappedoutaschemefordeterminingthemeritsofofficers;I
hadonlyremarkedthatitwouldbewisetosubmiteverycandidatetoasharpandsearchingexamination;andprivatelyImeanttoputtogetheralistofmilitaryqualificationsthatnobodycouldanswertobutmyWestPointers.ThatoughttohavebeenattendedtobeforeIleft;forthekingwassotakenwiththeideaofastandingarmythathecouldn\'twaitbutmustgetaboutitatonce,andgetupasgoodaschemeofexaminationashecouldinventoutofhisownhead.
Iwasimpatienttoseewhatthiswas;andtoshow,too,howmuchmoreadmirablewastheonewhichIshoulddisplaytotheExaminingBoard.I
intimatedthis,gently,totheking,anditfiredhiscuriosityWhentheBoardwasassembled,Ifollowedhimin;andbehinduscamethecandidates.
OneofthesecandidateswasabrightyoungWestPointerofmine,andwithhimwereacoupleofmyWestPointprofessors.
WhenIsawtheBoard,Ididnotknowwhethertocryortolaugh.TheheadofitwastheofficerknowntolatercenturiesasNorroyKing-at-Arms!
Thetwoothermemberswerechiefsofbureausinhisdepartment;andallthreewerepriests,ofcourse;allofficialswhohadtoknowhowtoreadandwritewerepriests.
Mycandidatewascalledfirst,outofcourtesytome,andtheheadoftheBoardopenedonhimwithofficialsolemnity:
\"Name?\"
\"Mal-ease.\"
\"Sonof?\"
\"Webster.\"
\"Webster——Webster.H\'m——I——mymemoryfailethtorecallthename.
Condition?\"
\"Weaver.\"
\"Weaver!——Godkeepus!\"
Thekingwasstaggered,fromhissummittohisfoundations;oneclerkfainted,andtheotherscamenearit.Thechairmanpulledhimselftogether,andsaidindignantly:
\"Itissufficient.Getyouhence.\"
ButIappealedtotheking.Ibeggedthatmycandidatemightbeexamined.
Thekingwaswilling,buttheBoard,whowereallwell-bornfolk,imploredthekingtosparethemtheindignityofexaminingtheweaver\'sson.Iknewtheydidn\'tknowenoughtoexaminehimanyway,soIjoinedmyprayerstotheirsandthekingturnedthedutyovertomyprofessors.Ihadhadablackboardprepared,anditwasputupnow,andthecircusbegan.Itwasbeautifultoheartheladlayoutthescienceofwar,andwallowindetailsofbattleandsiege,ofsupply,transportation,miningandcountermining,grandtactics,bigstrategyandlittlestrategy,signalservice,infantry,cavalry,artillery,andallaboutsiegeguns,fieldguns,gatlingguns,rifledguns,smoothbores,musketpractice,revolverpractice——andnotasolitarywordofitallcouldthesecatfishmakeheadortailof,youunderstand——anditwashandsometoseehimchalkoffmathematicalnightmaresontheblackboardthatwouldstumptheangelsthemselves,anddoitlikenothing,too——allabouteclipses,andcomets,andsolstices,andconstellations,andmeantime,andsiderealtime,anddinnertime,andbedtime,andeveryotherimaginablethingabovethecloudsorunderthemthatyoucouldharryorbullyraganenemywithandmakehimwishhehadn\'tcome——andwhentheboymadehismilitarysaluteandstoodasideatlast,Iwasproudenoughtohughim,andallthoseotherpeopleweresodazedtheylookedpartlypetrified,partlydrunk,andwhollycaughtoutandsnowedunder.Ijudgedthatthecakewasours,andbyalargemajority.
Educationisagreatthing.ThiswasthesameyouthwhohadcometoWestPointsoignorantthatwhenIaskedhim,\"Ifageneralofficershouldhaveahorseshotunderhimonthefieldofbattle,whatoughthetodo?\"
answeredupnaivelyandsaid:
\"Getupandbrushhimself.\"
Oneoftheyoungnobleswascalledupnow.IthoughtIwouldquestionhimalittlemyself.Isaid:
\"Canyourlordshipread?\"
Hisfaceflushedindignantly,andhefiredthisatme:
\"Takestmeforaclerk?ItrowIamnotofabloodthat——\"
\"Answerthequestion!\"
Hecrowdedhiswrathdownandmadeouttoanswer\"No.\"
\"Canyouwrite?\"
Hewantedtoresentthis,too,butIsaid:
\"Youwillconfineyourselftothequestions,andmakenocomments.Youarenotheretoairyourbloodoryourgraces,andnothingofthesortwillbepermitted.Canyouwrite?\"
\"No.\"
\"Doyouknowthemultiplicationtable?\"
\"Iwitnotwhatyereferto.\"
\"Howmuchis9times6?\"
\"Itisamysterythatishiddenfrommebyreasonthattheemergencyrequiringthefathomingofithathnotinmylife-daysoccurred,andso,nothavingnoneedtoknowthisthing,Iabidebarrenoftheknowledge.\"
\"IfAtradeabarrelofonionstoB,worth2pencethebushel,inexchangeforasheepworth4penceandadogworthapenny,andCkillthedogbeforedelivery,becausebittenbythesame,whomistookhimforD,whatsumisstillduetoAfromB,andwhichpartypaysforthedog,CorD,andwhogetsthemoney?IfA,isthepennysufficient,ormayheclaimconsequentialdamagesintheformofadditionalmoneytorepresentthepossibleprofitwhichmighthaveinuredfromthedog,andclassifiableasearnedincrement,thatistosay,usufruct?\"
\"Verily,intheall-wiseandunknowableprovidenceofGod,whomovethinmysteriouswayshiswonderstoperform,haveIneverheardthefellowtothisquestionforconfusionofthemindandcongestionoftheductsofthought.WhereforeIbeseechyouletthedogandtheonionsandthesepeopleofthestrangeandgodlessnamesworkouttheirseveralsalvationsfromtheirpiteousandwonderfuldifficultieswithouthelpofmine,forindeedtheirtroubleissufficientasitis,whereasanItriedtohelpIshouldbutdamagetheircausethemoreandyetmayhapnotlivemyselftoseethedesolationwrought.\"
\"Whatdoyouknowofthelawsofattractionandgravitation?\"
\"Iftherebesuch,mayhaphisgracethekingdidpromulgatethemwhilstthatIlaysickaboutthebeginningoftheyearandtherebyfailedtohearhisproclamation.\"
\"Whatdoyouknowofthescienceofoptics?\"
\"Iknowofgovernorsofplaces,andseneschalsofcastles,andsheriffsofcounties,andmanylikesmallofficesandtitlesofhonor,buthimyoucalltheScienceofOpticsIhavenotheardofbefore;peradventureitisanewdignity.\"
\"Yes,inthiscountry.\"
Trytoconceiveofthismolluskgravelyapplyingforanofficialposition,ofanykindunderthesun!Why,hehadalltheearmarksofatypewritercopyist,ifyouleaveoutthedispositiontocontributeuninvitedemendationsofyourgrammarandpunctuation.Itwasunaccountablethathedidn\'tattemptalittlehelpofthatsortoutofhismajesticsupplyofincapacityforthejob.Butthatdidn\'tprovethathehadn\'tmaterialinhimforthedisposition,itonlyprovedthathewasn\'tatypewritercopyistyet.Afternagginghimalittlemore,Ilettheprofessorslooseonhimandtheyturnedhiminsideout,onthelineofscientificwar,andfoundhimempty,ofcourse.Heknewsomewhataboutthewarfareofthetime——bushwhackingaroundforogres,andbull-fightsinthetournamentring,andsuchthings——butotherwisehewasemptyanduseless.Thenwetooktheotheryoungnobleinhand,andhewasthefirstone\'stwin,forignoranceandincapacity.IdeliveredthemintothehandsofthechairmanoftheBoardwiththecomfortableconsciousnessthattheircakewasdough.Theywereexaminedinthepreviousorderofprecedence.
\"Name,sopleaseyou?\"
\"Pertipole,sonofSirPertipole,BaronofBarleyMash.\"
\"Grandfather?\"
\"AlsoSirPertipole,BaronofBarleyMash.\"
\"Great-grandfather?\"
\"Thesamenameandtitle.\"
\"Great-great-grandfather?\"
\"Wehadnone,worshipfulsir,thelinefailingbeforeithadreachedsofarback.\"
\"Itmatterethnot.Itisagoodfourgenerations,andfulfilleththerequirementsoftherule.\"
\"Fulfillswhatrule?\"Iasked.
\"Therulerequiringfourgenerationsofnobilityorelsethecandidateisnoteligible.\"
\"Amannoteligibleforalieutenancyinthearmyunlesshecanprovefourgenerationsofnobledescent?\"
\"Evenso;neitherlieutenantnoranyotherofficermaybecommissionedwithoutthatqualification.\"
\"Oh,come,thisisanastonishingthing.Whatgoodissuchaqualificationasthat?\"
\"Whatgood?Itisahardyquestion,fairsirandBoss,sinceitdothgofartoimpugnthewisdomofevenourholyMotherChurchherself.\"
\"Ashow?\"
\"Forthatshehathestablishedtheself-sameruleregardingsaints.
Byherlawnonemaybecanonizeduntilhehathlaindeadfourgenerations.\"
\"Isee,Isee——itisthesamething.Itiswonderful.Intheonecaseamanliesdead-alivefourgenerations——mummifiedinignoranceandsloth——andthatqualifieshimtocommandlivepeople,andtaketheirwealandwoeintohisimpotenthands;andintheothercase,amanliesbeddedwithdeathandwormsfourgenerations,andthatqualifieshimforofficeinthecelestialcamp.Doestheking\'sgraceapproveofthisstrangelaw?\"
Thekingsaid:
\"Why,trulyIseenaughtaboutitthatisstrange.Allplacesofhonorandofprofitdobelong,bynaturalright,tothemthatbeofnobleblood,andsothesedignitiesinthearmyaretheirpropertyandwouldbesowithoutthisoranyrule.Theruleisbuttomarkalimit.Itspurposeistokeepouttoorecentblood,whichwouldbringintocontempttheseoffices,andmenofloftylineagewouldturntheirbacksandscorntotakethem.IweretoblameanIpermittedthiscalamity.YOUcanpermititanyouaremindedsotodo,foryouhavethedelegatedauthority,butthatthekingshoulddoitwereamoststrangemadnessandnotcomprehensibletoany.\"
\"Iyield.Proceed,sirChiefoftheHerald\'sCollege.\"
Thechairmanresumedasfollows:
\"BywhatillustriousachievementforthehonoroftheThroneandStatedidthefounderofyourgreatlinelifthimselftothesacreddignityoftheBritishnobility?\"
\"Hebuiltabrewery.\"
\"Sire,theBoardfindsthiscandidateperfectinalltherequirementsandqualificationsformilitarycommand,anddothholdhiscaseopenfordecisionafterdueexaminationofhiscompetitor.\"
Thecompetitorcameforwardandprovedexactlyfourgenerationsofnobilityhimself.Sotherewasatieinmilitaryqualificationsthatfar.
Hestoodasideamoment,andSirPertipolewasquestionedfurther:
\"Ofwhatconditionwasthewifeofthefounderofyourline?\"
\"Shecameofthehighestlandedgentry,yetshewasnotnoble;shewasgraciousandpureandcharitable,ofablamelesslifeandcharacter,insomuchthatintheseregardswasshepeerofthebestladyintheland.\"
\"Thatwilldo.Standdown.\"Hecalledupthecompetinglordlingagain,andasked:\"Whatwastherankandconditionofthegreat-grandmotherwhoconferredBritishnobilityuponyourgreathouse?\"
\"Shewasaking\'slemananddidclimbtothatsplendideminencebyherownunholpenmeritfromthesewerwhereshewasborn.\"
\"Ah,this,indeed,istruenobility,thisistherightandperfectintermixture.
Thelieutenancyisyours,fairlord.Holditnotincontempt;itisthehumblestepwhichwillleadtograndeursmoreworthyofthesplendorofanoriginliketothine.\"
Iwasdowninthebottomlesspitofhumiliation.Ihadpromisedmyselfaneasyandzenith-scouringtriumph,andthiswastheoutcome!
Iwasalmostashamedtolookmypoordisappointedcadetintheface.
Itoldhimtogohomeandbepatient,thiswasn\'ttheend.
Ihadaprivateaudiencewiththeking,andmadeaproposition.Isaiditwasquiterighttoofficerthatregimentwithnobilities,andhecouldn\'thavedoneawiserthing.Itwouldalsobeagoodideatoaddfivehundredofficerstoit;infact,addasmanyofficersastherewerenoblesandrelativesofnoblesinthecountry,evenifthereshouldfinallybefivetimesasmanyofficersasprivatesinit;andthusmakeitthecrackregiment,theenviedregiment,theKing\'sOwnregiment,andentitledtofightonitsownhookandinitsownway,andgowhitheritwouldandcomewhenitpleased,intimeofwar,andbeutterlyswellandindependent.Thiswouldmakethatregimenttheheart\'sdesireofallthenobility,andtheywouldallbesatisfiedandhappy.Thenwewouldmakeuptherestofthestandingarmyoutofcommonplacematerials,andofficeritwithnobodies,aswasproper——nobodiesselectedonabasisofmereefficiency——andwewouldmakethisregimenttoetheline,allowitnoaristocraticfreedomfromrestraint,andforceittodoalltheworkandpersistenthammering,totheendthatwhenevertheKing\'sOwnwastiredandwantedtogooffforachangeandrummagearoundamongstogresandhaveagoodtime,itcouldgowithoutuneasiness,knowingthatmatterswereinsafehandsbehindit,andbusinessgoingtobecontinuedattheoldstand,sameasusual.
Thekingwascharmedwiththeidea.
WhenInoticedthat,itgavemeavaluablenotion.IthoughtIsawmywayoutofanoldandstubborndifficultyatlast.Yousee,theroyaltiesofthePendragonstockwerealong-livedraceandveryfruitful.Wheneverachildwasborntoanyofthese——anditwasprettyoften——therewaswildjoyinthenation\'smouth,andpiteoussorrowinthenation\'sheart.
Thejoywasquestionable,butthegriefwashonest.BecausetheeventmeantanothercallforaRoyalGrant.Longwasthelistoftheseroyalties,andtheywereaheavyandsteadilyincreasingburdenuponthetreasuryandamenacetothecrown.YetArthurcouldnotbelievethislatterfact,andhewouldnotlistentoanyofmyvariousprojectsforsubstitutingsomethingintheplaceoftheroyalgrants.IfIcouldhavepersuadedhimtonowandthenprovideasupportforoneoftheseoutlyingscionsfromhisownpocket,Icouldhavemadeagrandto-dooverit,anditwouldhavehadagoodeffectwiththenation;butno,hewouldn\'thearofsuchathing.
Hehadsomethinglikeareligiouspassionforroyalgrant;heseemedtolookuponitasasortofsacredswag,andonecouldnotirritatehiminanywaysoquicklyandsosurelyasbyanattackuponthatvenerableinstitution.
IfIventuredtocautiouslyhintthattherewasnotanotherrespectablefamilyinEnglandthatwouldhumbleitselftoholdoutthehat——however,thatisasfarasIevergot;healwayscutmeshortthere,andperemptorily,too.
ButIbelievedIsawmychanceatlast.Iwouldformthiscrackregimentoutofofficersalone——notasingleprivate.Halfofitshouldconsistofnobles,whoshouldfillalltheplacesuptoMajor-General,andservegratisandpaytheirownexpenses;andtheywouldbegladtodothiswhentheyshouldlearnthattherestoftheregimentwouldconsistexclusivelyofprincesoftheblood.TheseprincesofthebloodshouldrangeinrankfromLieutenant-GeneraluptoFieldMarshal,andbegorgeouslysalariedandequippedandfedbythestate.Moreover——andthiswasthemasterstroke——itshouldbedecreedthattheseprincelygrandeesshouldbealwaysaddressedbyastunninglygaudyandawe-compellingtitlewhichIwouldpresentlyinvent,andtheyandtheyonlyinallEnglandshouldbesoaddressed.
Finally,allprincesofthebloodshouldhavefreechoice;jointhatregiment,getthatgreattitle,andrenouncetheroyalgrant,orstayoutandreceiveagrant.Neatesttouchofall:unbornbutimminentprincesofthebloodcouldbeBORNintotheregiment,andstartfair,withgoodwagesandapermanentsituation,uponduenoticefromtheparents.
Alltheboyswouldjoin,Iwassureofthat;so,allexistinggrantswouldberelinquished;thatthenewlybornwouldalwaysjoinwasequallycertain.Withinsixtydaysthatquaintandbizarreanomaly,theRoyalGrant,wouldceasetobealivingfact,andtakeitsplaceamongthecuriositiesofthepast.
AConnecticutYankeeinKingArthur\'sCourt-Chapter26Chapter26-TheFirstNewspaperWHENItoldthekingIwasgoingoutdisguisedasapettyfreemantoscourthecountryandfamiliarizemyselfwiththehumblerlifeofthepeople,hewasallafirewiththenoveltyofthethinginaminute,andwasboundtotakeachanceintheadventurehimself——nothingshouldstophim——
hewoulddropeverythingandgoalong——itwastheprettiestideahehadrunacrossformanyaday.Hewantedtoglideoutthebackwayandstartatonce;butIshowedhimthatthatwouldn\'tanswer.Yousee,hewasbilledfortheking\'s-evil——totouchforit,Imean——anditwouldn\'tberighttodisappointthehouseanditwouldn\'tmakeadelayworthconsidering,anyway,itwasonlyaone-nightstand.AndIthoughtheoughttotellthequeenhewasgoingaway.Hecloudedupatthatandlookedsad.IwassorryIhadspoken,especiallywhenhesaidmournfully:
\"ThouforgettestthatLauncelotishere;andwhereLauncelotis,shenotethnotthegoingforthoftheking,norwhatdayhereturneth.\"
Ofcourse,IchangedtheSubject.Yes,Gueneverwasbeautiful,itistrue,buttakeherallaroundshewasprettyslack.Inevermeddledinthesematters,theyweren\'tmyaffair,butIdidhatetoseethewaythingsweregoingon,andIdon\'tmindsayingthatmuch.Many\'sthetimeshehadaskedme,\"SirBoss,hastseenSirLauncelotabout?\"butifevershewentfrettingaroundforthekingIdidn\'thappentobearoundatthetime.
Therewasaverygoodlay-outfortheking\'s-evilbusiness——verytidyandcreditable.Thekingsatunderacanopyofstate;abouthimwereclusteredalargebodyoftheclergyinfullcanonicals.Conspicuous,bothforlocationandpersonaloutfit,stoodMarinel,ahermitofthequack-doctorspecies,tointroducethesick.Allabroadoverthespaciousfloor,andcleardowntothedoors,inathickjumble,layorsatthescrofulous,underastronglight.Itwasasgoodasatableau;infact,ithadallthelookofbeinggottenupforthat,thoughitwasn\'t.Therewereeighthundredsickpeoplepresent.Theworkwasslow;itlackedtheinterestofnoveltyforme,becauseIhadseentheceremoniesbefore;thethingsoonbecametedious,buttheproprietiesrequiredmetostickitout.Thedoctorwasthereforthereasonthatinallsuchcrowdsthereweremanypeoplewhoonlyimaginedsomethingwasthematterwiththem,andmanywhowereconsciouslysoundbutwantedtheimmortalhonoroffleshlycontactwithaking,andyetotherswhopretendedtoillnessinordertogetthepieceofcointhatwentwiththetouch.
Uptothistimethiscoinhadbeenaweelittlegoldpieceworthaboutathirdofadollar.Whenyouconsiderhowmuchthatamountofmoneywouldbuy,inthatageandcountry,andhowusualitwastobescrofulous,whennotdead,youwouldunderstandthattheannualking\'s-evilappropriationwasjusttheRiverandHarborbillofthatgovernmentforthegripittookonthetreasuryandthechanceitaffordedforskinningthesurplus.SoIhadprivatelyconcludedtotouchthetreasuryitselffortheking\'s-evil.
IcoveredsixseventhsoftheappropriationintothetreasuryaweekbeforestartingfromCamelotonmyadventures,andorderedthattheotherseventhbeinflatedintofivecentnickelsanddeliveredintothehandsoftheheadclerkoftheKing\'sEvilDepartment;anickeltotaketheplaceofeachgoldcoin,yousee,anddoitsworkforit.Itmightstrainthenickelsome,butIjudgeditcouldstandit.Asarule,Idonotapproveofwateringstock,butIconsidereditsquareenoughinthiscase,foritwasjustagift,anyway.Ofcourse,youcanwateragiftasmuchasyouwantto;
andIgenerallydo.Theoldgoldandsilvercoinsofthecountrywereofancientandunknownorigin,asarule,butsomeofthemwereRoman;theywereill-shapen,andseldomrounderthanamoonthatisaweekpastthefull;theywerehammered,notminted,andtheyweresowornwithusethatthedevicesuponthemwereasillegibleasblisters,andlookedlikethem.
Ijudgedthatasharp,brightnewnickel,withafirst-ratelikenessofthekingononesideofitandGueneverontheother,andabloomingpiousmotto,wouldtakethetuckoutofscrofulaashandyasanoblercoinandpleasethescrofulousfancymore;andIwasright.Thisbatchwasthefirstitwastriedon,anditworkedtoacharm.Thesavinginexpensewasanotableeconomy.Youwillseethatbythesefigures:Wetouchedatrifleover700ofthe800patients;atformerrates,thiswouldhavecostthegovernmentabout$240;atthenewratewepulledthroughforabout$35,thussavingupwardof$200atoneswoop.Toappreciatethefullmagnitudeofthisstroke,considertheseotherfigures:theannualexpensesofanationalgovernmentamounttotheequivalentofacontributionofthreedays\'averagewagesofeveryindividualofthepopulation,countingeveryindividualasifhewereaman.Ifyoutakeanationof60,000,000,whereaveragewagesare$2perday,threedays\'wagestakenfromeachindividualwillprovide$360,000,000andpaythegovernment\'sexpenses.Inmyday,inmyowncountry,thismoneywascollectedfromimposts,andthecitizenimaginedthattheforeignimporterpaidit,anditmadehimcomfortabletothinkso;whereas,infact,itwaspaidbytheAmericanpeople,andwassoequallyandexactlydistributedamongthemthattheannualcosttothe100-millionaireandtheannualcosttothesuckingchildoftheday-laborerwaspreciselythesame——eachpaid$6.Nothingcouldbeequalerthanthat,Ireckon.Well,ScotlandandIrelandweretributarytoArthur,andtheunitedpopulationsoftheBritishIslandsamountedtosomethinglessthan1,OOO,OOO.Amechanic\'saveragewagewas3centsaday,whenhepaidhisownkeep.Bythisrulethenationalgovernment\'sexpenseswere$90,000ayear,orabout$250aday.Thus,bythesubstitutionofnickelsforgoldonaking\'s-evilday,Inotonlyinjurednoone,dissatisfiednoone,butpleasedallconcernedandsavedfour-fifthsofthatday\'snationalexpenseintothebargain——asavingwhichwouldhavebeentheequivalentof$800,000inmydayinAmerica.InmakingthissubstitutionIhaddrawnuponthewisdomofaveryremotesource——thewisdomofmyboyhood——
forthetruestatesmandoesnotdespiseanywisdom,howsoeverlowlymaybeitsorigin:inmyboyhoodIhadalwayssavedmypenniesandcontributedbuttonstotheforeignmissionarycause.Thebuttonswouldanswertheignorantsavageaswellasthecoin,thecoinwouldanswermebetterthanthebuttons;
allhandswerehappyandnobodyhurt.
Marineltookthepatientsastheycame.Heexaminedthecandidate;ifhecouldn\'tqualifyhewaswarnedoff;ifhecouldhewaspassedalongtotheking.Apriestpronouncedthewords,\"Theyshalllaytheirhandsonthesick,andtheyshallrecover.\"Thenthekingstrokedtheulcers,whilethereadingcontinued;finally,thepatientgraduatedandgothisnickel——thekinghangingitaroundhisneckhimself——andwasdismissed.
Wouldyouthinkthatthatwouldcure?Itcertainlydid.Anymummerywillcureifthepatient\'sfaithisstronginit.UpbyAstolattherewasachapelwheretheVirginhadonceappearedtoagirlwhousedtoherdgeesearoundthere——thegirlsaidsoherself——andtheybuiltthechapeluponthatspotandhungapictureinitrepresentingtheoccurrence——apicturewhichyouwouldthinkitdangerousforasickpersontoapproach;whereas,onthecontrary,thousandsofthelameandthesickcameandprayedbeforeiteveryyearandwentawaywholeandsound;andeventhewellcouldlookuponitandlive.Ofcourse,whenIwastoldthesethingsIdidnotbelievethem;butwhenIwentthereandsawthemIhadtosuccumb.Isawthecureseffectedmyself;andtheywererealcuresandnotquestionable.IsawcrippleswhomIhadseenaroundCamelotforyearsoncrutches,arriveandpraybeforethatpicture,andputdowntheircrutchesandwalkoffwithoutalimp.
Therewerepilesofcrutchestherewhichhadbeenleftbysuchpeopleasatestimony.
Inotherplacespeopleoperatedonapatient\'smind,withoutsayingawordtohim,andcuredhim.Inothers,expertsassembledpatientsinaroomandprayedoverthem,andappealedtotheirfaith,andthosepatientswentawaycured.Whereveryoufindakingwhocan\'tcuretheking\'s-evilyoucanbesurethatthemostvaluablesuperstitionthatsupportshisthrone——thesubject\'sbeliefinthedivineappointmentofhissovereign——haspassedaway.InmyyouththemonarchsofEnglandhadceasedtotouchfortheevil,buttherewasnooccasionforthisdiffidence:theycouldhavecureditforty-ninetimesinfifty.
Well,whenthepriesthadbeendroningforthreehours,andthegoodkingpolishingtheevidences,andthesickwerestillpressingforwardasplentyasever,Igottofeelingintolerablybored.Iwassittingbyanopenwindownotfarfromthecanopyofstate.Forthefivehundredthtimeapatientstoodforwardtohavehisrepulsivenessesstroked;againthosewordswerebeingdronedout:\"theyshalllaytheirhandsonthesick\"