Chapter17
`Yousee，Hilda，’saidConnieafterlunch，whentheywerenearingLondon，`youhaveneverknowneitherrealtendernessorrealsensuality：andifyoudoknowthem，withthesameperson，itmakesagreatdifference。’
`Formercy’ssakedon’tbragaboutyourexperiences!’saidHilda。`I’venevermetthemanyetwhowascapableofintimacywithawoman，givinghimselfuptoher。ThatwaswhatIwanted。I’mnotkeenontheirself-satisfiedtenderness，andtheirsensuality。I’mnotcontenttobeanyman’slittlepetsy-wetsy，norhischairà；plaisireither。Iwantedacompleteintimacy，andIdidn’tgetit。That’senoughforme。
Connieponderedthis。Completeintimacy!Shesupposedthatmeantrevealingeverythingconcerningyourselftotheotherperson，andhisrevealingeverythingconcerninghimself。Butthatwasabore。Andallthatwearyself-consciousnessbetweenamanandawoman!adisease!
`Ithinkyou’retooconsciousofyourselfallthetime，witheverybody，’
shesaidtohersister。
`IhopeatleastIhaven’taslavenature，’saidHilda。
`Butperhapsyouhave!Perhapsyouareaslavetoyourownideaofyourself。’
HildadroveinsilenceforsometimeafterthispieceofunheardofinsolencefromthatchitConnie。
`AtleastI’mnotaslavetosomebodyelse’sideaofme：andthesomebodyelseaservantofmyhusband’s，’sheretortedatlast，incrudeanger。
`Yousee，it’snotso，’saidConniecalmly。
Shehadalwaysletherselfbedominatedbyhereldersister。Now，thoughsomewhereinsideherselfshewasweeping，shewasfreeofthedominionofotherwomen。Ah!thatinitselfwasarelief，likebeinggivenanotherlife：tobefreeofthestrangedominionandobsessionofotherwomen。Howawfultheywere，women!
Shewasgladtobewithherfather，whosefavouriteshehadalwaysbeen。
SheandHildastayedinalittlehoteloffPallMall，andSirMalcolmwasinhisclub。Buthetookhisdaughtersoutintheevening，andtheylikedgoingwithhim。
Hewasstillhandsomeandrobust，thoughjustalittleafraidofthenewworldthathadsprunguparoundhim。HehadgotasecondwifeinScotland，youngerthanhimselfandricher。Buthehadasmanyholidaysawayfromheraspossible：justaswithhisfirstwife。
Conniesatnexttohimattheopera。Hewasmoderatelystout，andhadstoutthighs，buttheywerestillstrongandwell-knit，thethighsofahealthymanwhohadtakenhispleasureinlife。Hisgood-humouredselfishness，hisdoggedsortofindependence，hisunrepentingsensuality，itseemedtoConnieshecouldseethemallinhiswell-knitstraightthighs。Justaman!Andnowbecominganoldman，whichissad。Becauseinhisstrong，thickmalelegstherewasnoneofthealertsensitivenessandpoweroftendernesswhichistheveryessenceofyouth，thatwhichneverdies，onceitisthere。
Conniewokeuptotheexistenceoflegs。Theybecamemoreimportanttoherthanfaces，whicharenolongerveryreal。Howfewpeoplehadlive，alertlegs!Shelookedatthemeninthestalls。Greatpuddingythighsinblackpudding-cloth，orleanwoodensticksinblackfuneralstuff，orwell-shapedyounglegswithoutanymeaningwhatever，eithersensualityortendernessorsensitiveness，justmereleggyordinarinessthatprancedaround。Notevenanysensualitylikeherfather’s。Theywerealldaunted，dauntedoutofexistence。
Butthewomenwerenotdaunted。Theawfulmill-postsofmostfemales!
reallyshocking，reallyenoughtojustifymurder!Orthepoorthinpegs!
orthetrimneatthingsinsilkstockings，withouttheslightestlookoflife!Awful，themillionsofmeaninglesslegsprancingmeaninglesslyaround!
ButshewasnothappyinLondon。Thepeopleseemedsospectralandblank。
Theyhadnoalivehappiness，nomatterhowbriskandgood-lookingtheywere。Itwasallbarren。AndConniehadawoman’sblindcravingforhappiness，tobeassuredofhappiness。
InParisatanyrateshefeltabitofsensualitystill。Butwhataweary，tired，worn-outsensuality。Worn-outforlackoftenderness。Oh!
Pariswassad。Oneofthesaddesttowns：wearyofitsnow-mechanicalsensuality，wearyofthetensionofmoney，money，money，wearyevenofresentmentandconceit，justwearytodeath，andstillnotsufficientlyAmericanizedorLondonizedtohidethewearinessunderamechanicaljig-jig-jig!Ah，thesemanlyhe-men，theseflâ；neurs，theoglers，theseeatersofgooddinners!Howwearytheywere!weary，worn-outforlackofalittletenderness，givenandtaken。Theefficient，sometimescharmingwomenknewathingortwoaboutthesensualrealities：theyhadthatpullovertheirjiggingEnglishsisters。Buttheyknewevenlessoftenderness。Dry，withtheendlessdrytensionofwill，theytoowerewearingout。Thehumanworldwasjustgettingwornout。Perhapsitwouldturnfiercelydestructive。
Asortofanarchy!Cliffordandhisconservativeanarchy!Perhapsitwouldn’tbeconservativemuchlonger。Perhapsitwoulddevelopintoaveryradicalanarchy。
Conniefoundherselfshrinkingandafraidoftheworld。SometimesshewashappyforalittlewhileintheBoulevardsorintheBoisortheLuxembourgGardens。ButalreadyPariswasfullofAmericansandEnglish，strangeAmericansintheoddestuniforms，andtheusualdrearyEnglishthataresohopelessabroad。
Shewasgladtodriveon。Itwassuddenlyhotweather，soHildawasgoingthroughSwitzerlandandovertheBrenner，thenthroughtheDolomitesdowntoVenice。Hildalovedallthemanagingandthedrivingandbeingmistressoftheshow。Conniewasquitecontenttokeepquiet。
Andthetripwasreallyquitenice。OnlyConniekeptsayingtoherself：
Whydon’tIreallycare!WhyamIneverreallythrilled？Howawful，thatIdon’treallycareaboutthelandscapeanymore!ButIdon’t。It’sratherawful。I’mlikeSaintBernard，whocouldsaildownthelakeofLucernewithoutevernoticingthattherewereevenmountainandgreenwater。I
justdon’tcareforlandscapeanymore。Whyshouldonestareatit？Whyshouldone？Irefuseto。
No，shefoundnothingvitalinFranceorSwitzerlandortheTyrolorItaly。Shejustwascartedthroughitall。AnditwasalllessrealthanWragby。LessrealthantheawfulWragby!Shefeltshedidn’tcareifsheneversawFranceorSwitzerlandorItalyagain。They’dkeep。Wragbywasmorereal。
Asforpeople!peoplewereallalike，withverylittledifference。Theyallwantedtogetmoneyoutofyou：or，iftheyweretravellers，theywantedtogetenjoyment，perforce，likesqueezingbloodoutofastone。Poormountains!
poorlandscape!itallhadtobesqueezedandsqueezedandsqueezedagain，toprovideathrill，toprovideenjoyment。Whatdidpeoplemean，withtheirsimplydeterminedenjoyingofthemselves？
No!saidConnietoherselfI’dratherbeatWragby，whereIcangoaboutandbestill，andnotstareatanythingordoanyperformingofanysort。
Thistouristperformanceofenjoyingoneselfistoohopelesslyhumiliating：
it’ssuchafailure。
ShewantedtogobacktoWragby，eventoClifford，eventopoorcrippledClifford。Hewasn’tsuchafoolasthisswarmingholidayinglot，anyhow。
Butinherinnerconsciousnessshewaskeepingtouchwiththeotherman。Shemustn’tletherconnexionwithhimgo：oh，shemustn’tletitgo，orshewaslost，lostutterlyinthisworldofriff-raffyexpensivepeopleandjoy-hogs。Oh，thejoy-hogs!Oh`enjoyingoneself’!Anothermodernformofsickness。
TheyleftthecarinMestre，inagarage，andtooktheregularsteamerovertoVenice。Itwasalovelysummerafternoon，theshallowlagoonrippled，thefullsunshinemadeVenice，turningitsbacktothemacrossthewater，lookdim。
Atthestationquaytheychangedtoagondola，givingthemantheaddress。
Hewasaregulargondolierinawhite-and-blueblouse，notverygood-looking，notatallimpressive。
`Yes!TheVillaEsmeralda!Yes!Iknowit!Ihavebeenthegondolierforagentlemanthere。Butafairdistanceout!’
Heseemedaratherchildish，impetuousfellow。Herowedwithacertainexaggeratedimpetuosity，throughthedarkside-canalswiththehorrible，slimygreenwalls，thecanalsthatgothroughthepoorerquarters，wherethewashinghangshighuponropes，andthereisaslight，orstrong，odourofsewage。
Butatlasthecametooneoftheopencanalswithpavementoneitherside，andloopingbridges，thatrunstraight，atright-anglestotheGrandCanal。Thetwowomensatunderthelittleawning，themanwasperchedabove，behindthem。
`ArethesignorinestayinglongattheVillaEsmeralda？’heasked，rowingeasy，and`wipinghisperspiringfacewithawhite-and-bluehandkerchief。
`Sometwentydays：wearebothmarriedladies，’saidHilda，inhercurioushushedvoice，thatmadeherItaliansoundsoforeign。
`Ah!Twentydays!’saidtheman。Therewasapause。Afterwhichheasked：
`DothesignorewantagondolierforthetwentydaysorsothattheywillstayattheVillaEsmeralda？Orbytheday，orbytheweek？’
ConnieandHildaconsidered。InVenice，itisalwayspreferabletohaveone’sowngondola，asitispreferabletohaveone’sowncaronland。
`WhatisthereattheVilla？whatboats？’
`Thereisamotor-launch，alsoagondola。But——’Thebutmeant：
theywon’tbeyourproperty。
`Howmuchdoyoucharge？’
Itwasaboutthirtyshillingsaday，ortenpoundsaweek。
`Isthattheregularprice？’askedHilda。
`Less，Signora，less。Theregularprice——’
Thesistersconsidered。
`Well，’saidHilda，`cometomorrowmorning，andwewillarrangeit。
Whatisyourname？’
HisnamewasGiovanni，andhewantedtoknowatwhattimeheshouldcome，andthenforwhomshouldhesayhewaswaiting。Hildahadnocard。
Conniegavehimoneofhers。Heglancedatitswiftly，withhishot，southernblueeyes，thenglancedagain。
`Ah!’hesaid，lightingup。`Milady!Milady，isn’tit？’
`MiladyCostanza!’saidConnie。
Henodded，repeating：`MiladyCostanza!’andputtingthecardcarefullyawayinhisblouse。
TheVillaEsmeraldawasquitealongwayout，ontheedgeofthelagoonlookingtowardsChioggia。Itwasnotaveryoldhouse，andpleasant，withtheterraceslookingseawards，andbelow，quiteabiggardenwithdarktrees，walledinfromthelagoon。
Theirhostwasaheavy，rathercoarseScotchmanwhohadmadeagoodfortuneinItalybeforethewar，andhadbeenknightedforhisultrapatriotismduringthewar。Hiswifewasathin，pale，sharpkindofpersonwithnofortuneofherown，andthemisfortuneofhavingtoregulateherhusband’srathersordidamorousexploits。Hewasterriblytiresomewiththeservants。
Buthavinghadaslightstrokeduringthewinter，hewasnowmoremanageable。
Thehousewasprettyfull。BesidesSirMalcolmandhistwodaughters，thereweresevenmorepeople，aScotchcouple，againwithtwodaughters；
ayoungItalianContessa，awidow；ayoungGeorgianprince，andayoungishEnglishclergymanwhohadhadpneumoniaandwasbeingchaplaintoSirAlexanderforhishealth’ssake。Theprincewaspenniless，good-looking，wouldmakeanexcellentchauffeur，withthenecessaryimpudence，andbasta!TheContessawasaquietlittlepusswithagameonsomewhere。TheclergymanwasarawsimplefellowfromaBucksvicarage：luckilyhehadlefthiswifeandtwochildrenathome。AndtheGuthries，thefamilyoffour，weregoodsolidEdinburghmiddleclass，enjoyingeverythinginasolidfashion，anddaringeverythingwhileriskingnothing。
ConnieandHildaruledouttheprinceatonce。TheGuthriesweremoreorlesstheirownsort，substantial，hutboring：andthegirlswantedhusbands。
Thechaplainwasnotahadfellow，buttoodeferential。SirAlexander，afterhisslightstroke，hadaterribleheavinesshisjoviality，buthewasstillthrilledatthepresenceofsomanyhandsomeyoungwomen。LadyCooperwasaquiet，cattypersonwhohadathintimeofit，poorthing，andwhowatchedeveryotherwomanwithacoldwatchfulnessthathadbecomehersecondnature，andwhosaidcold，nastylittlethingswhichshowedwhatanutterlylowopinionshehadofallhumannature。Shewasalsoquitevenomouslyoverbearingwiththeservants，Conniefound：butinaquietway。AndsheskilfullybehavedsothatSirAlexandershouldthinkthathewaslordandmonarchofthewholecaboosh，withhisstout，would-be-genialpaunch，andhisutterlyboringjokes，hishumourosity，asHildacalledit。
SirMalcolmwaspainting。Yes，hestillwoulddoaVenetianlagoonscape，nowandthen，incontrasttohisScottishlandscapes。Sointhemorninghewasrowedoffwithahugecanvas，tohis`site’。Alittlelater，LadyCooperwouldherowedoffintotheheartofthecity，withsketching-blockandcolours。Shewasaninveteratewatercolourpainter，andthehousewasfullofrose-colouredpalaces，darkcanals，swayingbridges，medievalfacades，andsoon。AlittlelatertheGuthries，theprince，thecountess，SirAlexander，andsometimesMrLind，thechaplain，wouldgoofftotheLido，wheretheywouldbathe；cominghometoalatelunchathalfpastone。
Thehouse-party，asahouse-party，wasdistinctlyboring。Butthisdidnottroublethesisters。Theywereoutallthetime。Theirfathertookthemtotheexhibition，milesandmilesofwearypaintings。HetookthemtoallthecroniesofhisintheVillaLucchese，hesatwiththemonwarmeveningsinthepiazza，havinggotatableatFlorian’s：hetookthemtothetheatre，totheGoldoniplays。Therewereilluminatedwater-fê；tes，thereweredances。Thiswasaholiday-placeofallholiday-places。TheLido，withitsacresofsun-pinkedorpyjamaedbodies，waslikeastrandwithanendlessheapofsealscomeupformating。Toomanypeopleinthepiazza，toomanylimbsandtrunksofhumanityontheLido，toomanygondolas，toomanymotor-launches，toomanysteamers，toomanypigeons，toomanyices，toomanycocktails，toomanymenservantswantingtips，toomanylanguagesrattling，toomuch，toomuchsun，toomuchsmellofVenice，toomanycargoesofstrawberries，toomanysilkshawls，toomanyhuge，raw-beefslicesofwatermelononstalls：toomuchenjoyment，altogetherfartoomuchenjoyment!
ConnieandHildawentaroundintheirsunnyfrocks。Thereweredozensofpeopletheyknew，dozensofpeopleknewthem。Michaelisturneduplikeabadpenny。`Hullo!Whereyoustaying？Comeandhaveanice-creamorsomething!
Comewithmesomewhereinmygondola。’EvenMichaelisalmostsun-burned：
thoughsun-cookedismoreappropriatetothelookofthemassofhumanflesh。
Itwaspleasantinaway。Itwasalmostenjoyment。Butanyhow，withallthecocktails，allthelyinginwarmishwaterandsunbathingonhotsandinhotsun，jazzingwithyourstomachupagainstsomefellowinthewarmnights，coolingoffwithices，itwasacompletenarcotic。Andthatwaswhattheyallwanted，adrug：theslowwater，adrug；thesun，adrug；jazz，adrug；cigarettes，cocktails，ices，vermouth。Tobedrugged!
Enjoyment!Enjoyment!
Hildahalflikedbeingdrugged。Shelikedlookingatallthewomen，speculatingaboutthem。Thewomenwereabsorbinglyinterestedinthewomen。
Howdoesshelook!whatmanhasshecaptured？whatfunisshegettingoutofit？——Themenwerelikegreatdogsinwhiteflanneltrousers，waitingtobepatted，waitingtowallow，waitingtoplastersomewoman’sstomachagainsttheirown，injazz。