第31章
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  Whatwouldyoudoifyoulikedtwopeople,bothofthemtremendously,andyoucouldn’ttellwhichmost?“

  “Ishouldgoonlikingthem——Ishouldwaitandsee。Whynot?“

  “Butonehastomakeupone’smind,“saidEvelyn。“Orareyouoneofthepeoplewhodoesn’tbelieveinmarriagesandallthat?

  Lookhere——thisisn’tfair,Idoallthetelling,andyoutellnothing。

  Perhapsyou’rethesameasyourfriend“——shelookedathimsuspiciously;

  “perhapsyoudon’tlikeme?“

  “Idon’tknowyou,“saidHewet。

  “IknowwhenIlikeapersondirectlyIseethem!IknewIlikedyoutheveryfirstnightatdinner。Ohdear,“shecontinuedimpatiently,“whatalotofbotherwouldbesavedifonlypeoplewouldsaythethingstheythinkstraightout!I’mmadelikethat。Ican’thelpit。“

  “Butdon’tyoufinditleadstodifficulties?“Hewetasked。

  “That’smen’sfault,“sheanswered。“Theyalwaysdragitin-love,Imean。“

  “Andsoyou’vegoneonhavingoneproposalafteranother,“

  saidHewet。

  “Idon’tsupposeI’vehadmoreproposalsthanmostwomen,“

  saidEvelyn,butshespokewithoutconviction。

  “Five,six,ten?“Hewetventured。

  Evelynseemedtointimatethatperhapstenwastherightfigure,butthatitreallywasnotahighone。

  “Ibelieveyou’rethinkingmeaheartlessflirt,“sheprotested。

  “ButIdon’tcareifyouare。Idon’tcarewhatanyonethinksofme。

  Justbecauseone’sinterestedandlikestobefriendswithmen,andtalktothemasonetalkstowomen,one’scalledaflirt。“

  “ButMissMurgatroyd——“

  “Iwishyou’dcallmeEvelyn,“sheinterrupted。

  “Aftertenproposalsdoyouhonestlythinkthatmenarethesameaswomen?“

  “Honestly,honestly,——howIhatethatword!It’salwaysusedbyprigs,“

  criedEvelyn。“HonestlyIthinktheyoughttobe。That’swhat’ssodisappointing。Everytimeonethinksit’snotgoingtohappen,andeverytimeitdoes。“

  “ThepursuitofFriendship,“saidHewet。“Thetitleofacomedy。“

  “You’rehorrid,“shecried。“Youdon’tcareabitreally。

  YoumightbeMr。Hirst。“

  “Well,“saidHewet,“let’sconsider。Letusconsider——“Hepaused,becauseforthemomenthecouldnotrememberwhatitwasthattheyhadtoconsider。Hewasfarmoreinterestedinherthaninherstory,forasshewentonspeakinghisnumbnesshaddisappeared,andhewasconsciousofamixtureofliking,pity,anddistrust。

  “You’vepromisedtomarrybothOliverandPerrott?“heconcluded。

  “Notexactlypromised,“saidEvelyn。“Ican’tmakeupmymindwhichI

  reallylikebest。OhhowIdetestmodernlife!“sheflungoff。

  “ItmusthavebeensomucheasierfortheElizabethans!IthoughttheotherdayonthatmountainhowI’dhavelikedtobeoneofthosecolonists,tocutdowntreesandmakelawsandallthat,insteadoffoolingaboutwithallthesepeoplewhothinkone’sjustaprettyyounglady。ThoughI’mnot。Ireallymight_do_something。“

  Shereflectedinsilenceforaminute。Thenshesaid:

  “I’mafraidrightdowninmyheartthatAlfredPerrot_won’t_do。

  He’snotstrong,ishe?“

  “Perhapshecouldn’tcutdownatree,“saidHewet。“Haveyounevercaredforanybody?“heasked。

  “I’vecaredforheapsofpeople,butnottomarrythem,“shesaid。

  “IsupposeI’mtoofastidious。AllmylifeI’vewantedsomebodyI

  couldlookupto,somebodygreatandbigandsplendid。Mostmenaresosmall。“

  “Whatd’youmeanbysplendid?“Hewetasked。“Peopleare——

  nothingmore。“

  Evelynwaspuzzled。

  “Wedon’tcareforpeoplebecauseoftheirqualities,“

  hetriedtoexplain。“It’sjustthemthatwecarefor,“——

  hestruckamatch——“justthat,“hesaid,pointingtotheflames。

  “Iseewhatyoumean,“shesaid,“butIdon’tagree。IdoknowwhyIcareforpeople,andIthinkI’mhardlyeverwrong。Iseeatoncewhatthey’vegotinthem。NowIthinkyoumustberathersplendid;

  butnotMr。Hirst。“

  Hewletshookhishead。

  “He’snotnearlysounselfish,orsosympathetic,orsobig,orsounderstanding,“Evelyncontinued。

  Hewetsatsilent,smokinghiscigarette。

  “Ishouldhatecuttingdowntrees,“heremarked。

  “I’mnottryingtoflirtwithyou,thoughIsupposeyouthinkIam!“

  Evelynshotout。“I’dneverhavecometoyouifI’dthoughtyou’dmerelythinkodiousthingsofme!“Thetearscameintohereyes。

  “Doyouneverflirt?“heasked。

  “OfcourseIdon’t,“sheprotested。“Haven’tItoldyou?

  Iwantfriendship;IwanttocareforsomeonegreaterandnoblerthanIam,andiftheyfallinlovewithmeitisn’tmyfault;

  Idon’twantit;Ipositivelyhateit。“

  Hewetcouldseethattherewasverylittleuseingoingonwiththeconversation,foritwasobviousthatEvelyndidnotwishtosayanythinginparticular,buttoimpressuponhimanimageofherself,being,forsomereasonwhichshewouldnotreveal,unhappy,orinsecure。

  Hewasverytired,andapalewaiterkeptwalkingostentatiouslyintothemiddleoftheroomandlookingatthemmeaningly。

  “Theywanttoshutup,“hesaid。“MyadviceisthatyoushouldtellOliverandPerrottto-morrowthatyou’vemadeupyourmindthatyoudon’tmeantomarryeitherofthem。I’mcertainyoudon’t。Ifyouchangeyourmindyoucanalwaystellthemso。They’rebothsensiblemen;

  they’llunderstand。Andthenallthisbotherwillbeover。“

  Hegotup。

  ButEvelyndidnotmove。Shesatlookingupathimwithherbrighteagereyes,inthedepthsofwhichhethoughthedetectedsomedisappointment,ordissatisfaction。

  “Good-night,“hesaid。

  “ThereareheapsofthingsIwanttosaytoyoustill,“shesaid。

  “AndI’mgoingto,sometime。Isupposeyoumustgotobednow?“

  “Yes,“saidHewet。“I’mhalfasleep。“Heleftherstillsittingbyherselfintheemptyhall。

  “Whyisitthatthey_won’t_behonest?“hemutteredtohimselfashewentupstairs。Whywasitthatrelationsbetweendifferentpeopleweresounsatisfactory,sofragmentary,sohazardous,andwordssodangerousthattheinstincttosympathisewithanotherhumanbeingwasaninstincttobeexaminedcarefullyandprobablycrushed?

  WhathadEvelynreallywishedtosaytohim?Whatwasshefeelingleftaloneintheemptyhall?Themysteryoflifeandtheunrealityevenofone’sownsensationsovercamehimashewalkeddownthecorridorwhichledtohisroom。Itwasdimlylighted,butsufficientlyforhimtoseeafigureinabrightdressing-gownpassswiftlyinfrontofhim,thefigureofawomancrossingfromoneroomtoanother。

  Whethertooslightortoovaguethetiesthatbindpeoplecasuallymeetinginahotelatmidnight,theypossessoneadvantageatleastoverthebondswhichunitetheelderly,whohavelivedtogetheronceandsomustliveforever。Slighttheymaybe,butvividandgenuine,merelybecausethepowertobreakthemiswithinthegraspofeach,andthereisnoreasonforcontinuanceexceptatruedesirethatcontinuetheyshall。Whentwopeoplehavebeenmarriedforyearstheyseemtobecomeunconsciousofeachother’sbodilypresencesothattheymoveasifalone,speakaloudthingswhichtheydonotexpecttobeanswered,andingeneralseemtoexperienceallthecomfortofsolitudewithoutitsloneliness。

  ThejointlivesofRidleyandHelenhadarrivedatthisstageofcommunity,anditwasoftennecessaryforoneortheothertorecallwithaneffortwhetherathinghadbeensaidoronlythought,sharedordreamtinprivate。Atfouro’clockintheafternoontwoorthreedayslaterMrs。Ambrosewasstandingbrushingherhair,whileherhusbandwasinthedressing-roomwhichopenedoutofherroom,andoccasionally,throughthecascadeofwater——hewaswashinghisface——shecaughtexclamations,“Soitgoesonyearafteryear;

  Iwish,Iwish,IwishIcouldmakeanendofit,“towhichshepaidnoattention。

  “It’swhite?Oronlybrown?“Thussheherselfmurmured,examiningahairwhichgleamedsuspiciouslyamongthebrown。

  Shepulleditoutandlaiditonthedressing-table。Shewascriticisingherownappearance,orratherapprovingofit,standingalittlewaybackfromtheglassandlookingatherownfacewithsuperbprideandmelancholy,whenherhusbandappearedinthedoorwayinhisshirtsleeves,hisfacehalfobscuredbyatowel。

  “YouoftentellmeIdon’tnoticethings,“heremarked。

  “Tellmeifthisisawhitehair,then?“shereplied。Shelaidthehaironhishand。

  “There’snotawhitehaironyourhead,“heexclaimed。

  “Ah,Ridley,Ibegintodoubt,“shesighed;andbowedherheadunderhiseyessothathemightjudge,buttheinspectionproducedonlyakisswherethelineofpartingran,andhusbandandwifethenproceededtomoveabouttheroom,casuallymurmuring。

  “Whatwasthatyouweresaying?“Helenremarked,afteranintervalofconversationwhichnothirdpersoncouldhaveunderstood。

  “Rachel——yououghttokeepaneyeuponRachel,“heobservedsignificantly,andHelen,thoughshewentonbrushingherhair,lookedathim。

  Hisobservationswereapttobetrue。

  “Younggentlemendon’tinterestthemselvesinyoungwomen’seducationwithoutamotive,“heremarked。

  “Oh,Hirst,“saidHelen。

  “HirstandHewet,they’reallthesametome——allcoveredwithspots,“

  hereplied。“HeadviseshertoreadGibbon。Didyouknowthat?“

  Helendidnotknowthat,butshewouldnotallowherselfinferiortoherhusbandinpowersofobservation。Shemerelysaid:

  “Nothingwouldsurpriseme。Eventhatdreadfulflyingmanwemetatthedance——evenMr。Dalloway——even——“

  “Iadviseyoutobecircumspect,“saidRidley。“There’sWilloughby,remember——Willoughby“;hepointedataletter。

  Helenlookedwithasighatanenvelopewhichlayuponherdressing-table。

  Yes,therelayWilloughby,curt,inexpressive,perpetuallyjocular,robbingawholecontinentofmystery,enquiringafterhisdaughter’smannersandmorals——hopingshewasn’tabore,andbiddingthempackherofftohimonboardtheverynextshipifshewere——

  andthengratefulandaffectionatewithsuppressedemotion,andthenhalfapageabouthisowntriumphsoverwretchedlittlenativeswhowentonstrikeandrefusedtoloadhisships,untilheroaredEnglishoathsatthem,“poppingmyheadoutofthewindowjustasIwas,inmyshirtsleeves。Thebeggarshadthesensetoscatter。“

  “IfTheresamarriedWilloughby,“sheremarked,turningthepagewithahairpin,“onedoesn’tseewhat’stopreventRachel——“

  ButRidleywasnowoffongrievancesofhisownconnectedwiththewashingofhisshirts,whichsomehowledtothefrequentvisitsofHughlingElliot,whowasabore,apedant,adrystickofaman,andyetRidleycouldn’tsimplypointatthedoorandtellhimtogo。

  Thetruthofitwas,theysawtoomanypeople。Andsoonandsoon,moreconjugaltalkpatteringsoftlyandunintelligibly,untiltheywerebothreadytogodowntotea。

  ThefirstthingthatcaughtHelen’seyeasshecamedownstairswasacarriageatthedoor,filledwithskirtsandfeathersnoddingonthetopsofhats。Shehadonlytimetogainthedrawing-roombeforetwonameswereoddlymispronouncedbytheSpanishmaid,andMrs。ThornburycameinslightlyinadvanceofMrs。WilfridFlushing。

  “Mrs。WilfridFlushing,“saidMrs。Thornbury,withawaveofherhand。

  “AfriendofourcommonfriendMrs。RaymondParry。“

  Mrs。Flushingshookhandsenergetically。Shewasawomanoffortyperhaps,verywellsetupanderect,splendidlyrobust,thoughnotastallastheuprightcarriageofherbodymadeherappear。

  ShelookedHelenstraightinthefaceandsaid,“Youhaveacharmin’house。“

  Shehadastronglymarkedface,hereyeslookedstraightatyou,andthoughnaturallyshewasimperiousinhermannershewasnervousatthesametime。Mrs。Thornburyactedasinterpreter,makingthingssmoothallroundbyaseriesofcharmingcommonplaceremarks。

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