第10章
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  “Haveyoudonewhatyousaidyou’ddo?“sheasked。

  “Asearchingquestion!Ianswer——YesandNo。IfontheonehandI

  havenotaccomplishedwhatIsetouttoaccomplish——whichofusdoes!——

  ontheotherIcanfairlysaythis:Ihavenotloweredmyideal。“

  Helookedresolutelyatasea-gull,asthoughhisidealflewonthewingsofthebird。

  “But,“saidRachel,“what_is_yourideal?“

  “Thereyouasktoomuch,MissVinrace,“saidRichardplayfully。

  Shecouldonlysaythatshewantedtoknow,andRichardwassufficientlyamusedtoanswer。

  “Well,howshallIreply?Inoneword——Unity。Unityofaim,ofdominion,ofprogress。Thedispersionofthebestideasoverthegreatestarea。“

  “TheEnglish?“

  “IgrantthattheEnglishseem,onthewhole,whiterthanmostmen,theirrecordscleaner。But,goodLord,don’trunawaywiththeideathatIdon’tseethedrawbacks——horrors——unmentionablethingsdoneinourverymidst!I’mundernoillusions。Fewpeople,Isuppose,havefewerillusionsthanIhave。Haveyoueverbeeninafactory,MissVinrace!——No,Isupposenot——ImaysayIhopenot。

  AsforRachel,shehadscarcelywalkedthroughapoorstreet,andalwaysundertheescortoffather,maid,oraunts。

  “Iwasgoingtosaythatifyou’deverseenthekindofthingthat’sgoingonroundyou,you’dunderstandwhatitisthatmakesmeandmenlikemepoliticians。YouaskedmeamomentagowhetherI’ddonewhatIsetouttodo。Well,whenIconsidermylife,thereisonefactIadmitthatI’mproudof;owingtomesomethousandsofgirlsinLancashire——andmanythousandstocomeafterthem——

  canspendanhoureverydayintheopenairwhichtheirmothershadtospendovertheirlooms。I’mprouderofthat,Iown,thanIshouldbeofwritingKeatsandShelleyintothebargain!“

  ItbecamepainfultoRacheltobeoneofthosewhowriteKeatsandShelley。ShelikedRichardDalloway,andwarmedashewarmed。

  Heseemedtomeanwhathesaid。

  “Iknownothing!“sheexclaimed。

  “It’sfarbetterthatyoushouldknownothing,“hesaidpaternally,“andyouwrongyourself,I’msure。Youplayverynicely,I’mtold,andI’venodoubtyou’vereadheapsoflearnedbooks。“

  Elderlybanterwouldnolongercheckher。

  “Youtalkofunity,“shesaid。“Yououghttomakemeunderstand。“

  “Ineverallowmywifetotalkpolitics,“hesaidseriously。

  “Forthisreason。Itisimpossibleforhumanbeings,constitutedastheyare,bothtofightandtohaveideals。IfIhavepreservedmine,asIamthankfultosaythatingreatmeasureIhave,itisduetothefactthatIhavebeenabletocomehometomywifeintheeveningandtofindthatshehasspentherdayincalling,music,playwiththechildren,domesticduties——whatyouwill;

  herillusionshavenotbeendestroyed。Shegivesmecouragetogoon。

  Thestrainofpubliclifeisverygreat,“headded。

  Thismadehimappearabatteredmartyr,partingeverydaywithsomeofthefinestgold,intheserviceofmankind。

  “Ican’tthink,“Rachelexclaimed,“howanyonedoesit!“

  “Explain,MissVinrace,“saidRichard。“ThisisamatterIwanttoclearup。“

  Hiskindnesswasgenuine,andshedeterminedtotakethechancehegaveher,althoughtotalktoamanofsuchworthandauthoritymadeherheartbeat。

  “Itseemstomelikethis,“shebegan,doingherbestfirsttorecollectandthentoexposehershiveringprivatevisions。

  “There’sanoldwidowinherroom,somewhere,letussupposeinthesuburbsofLeeds。“

  Richardbenthisheadtoshowthatheacceptedthewidow。

  “InLondonyou’respendingyourlife,talking,writingthings,gettingbillsthrough,missingwhatseemsnatural。Theresultofitallisthatshegoestohercupboardandfindsalittlemoretea,afewlumpsofsugar,oralittlelessteaandanewspaper。

  WidowsalloverthecountryIadmitdothis。Still,there’sthemindofthewidow——theaffections;thoseyouleaveuntouched。Butyouwasteyouown。“

  “Ifthewidowgoestohercupboardandfindsitbare,“Richardanswered,“herspiritualoutlookwemayadmitwillbeaffected。IfImaypickholesinyourphilosophy,MissVinrace,whichhasitsmerits,Iwouldpointoutthatahumanbeingisnotasetofcompartments,butanorganism。Imagination,MissVinrace;useyourimagination;

  that’swhereyouyoungLiberalsfail。Conceivetheworldasawhole。

  Nowforyoursecondpoint;whenyouassertthatintryingtosetthehouseinorderforthebenefitoftheyounggenerationIamwastingmyhighercapabilities,Itotallydisagreewithyou。

  Icanconceivenomoreexaltedaim——tobethecitizenoftheEmpire。

  Lookatitinthisway,MissVinrace;conceivethestateasacomplicatedmachine;wecitizensarepartsofthatmachine;

  somefulfilmoreimportantduties;othersperhapsIamoneofthem

  serveonlytoconnectsomeobscurepartsofthemechanism,concealedfromthepubliceye。Yetifthemeanestscrewfailsinitstask,theproperworkingofthewholeisimperilled。“

  Itwasimpossibletocombinetheimageofaleanblackwidow,gazingoutofherwindow,andlongingforsomeonetotalkto,withtheimageofavastmachine,suchasoneseesatSouthKensington,thumping,thumping,thumping。Theattemptatcommunicationhadbeenafailure。

  “Wedon’tseemtounderstandeachother,“shesaid。

  “ShallIsaysomethingthatwillmakeyouveryangry?“hereplied。

  “Itwon’t,“saidRachel。

  “Well,then;nowomanhaswhatImaycallthepoliticalinstinct。

  Youhaveverygreatvirtues;Iamthefirst,Ihope,toadmitthat;

  butIhavenevermetawomanwhoevensawwhatismeantbystatesmanship。Iamgoingtomakeyoustillmoreangry。

  IhopethatInevershallmeetsuchawoman。Now,MissVinrace,areweenemiesforlife?“

  Vanity,irritation,andathrustingdesiretobeunderstood,urgedhertomakeanotherattempt。

  “Underthestreets,inthesewers,inthewires,inthetelephones,thereissomethingalive;isthatwhatyoumean?Inthingslikedust-carts,andmenmendingroads?YoufeelthatallthetimewhenyouwalkaboutLondon,andwhenyouturnonatapandthewatercomes?“

  “Certainly,“saidRichard。“Iunderstandyoutomeanthatthewholeofmodernsocietyisbaseduponcooperativeeffort。

  Ifonlymorepeoplewouldrealisethat,MissVinrace,therewouldbefewerofyouroldwidowsinsolitarylodgings!“

  Rachelconsidered。

  “AreyouaLiberalorareyouaConservative?“sheasked。

  “IcallmyselfaConservativeforconveniencesake,“saidRichard,smiling。“Butthereismoreincommonbetweenthetwopartiesthanpeoplegenerallyallow。“

  Therewasapause,whichdidnotcomeonRachel’ssidefromanylackofthingstosay;asusualshecouldnotsaythem,andwasfurtherconfusedbythefactthatthetimefortalkingprobablyranshort。

  Shewashauntedbyabsurdjumbledideas——how,ifonewentbackfarenough,everythingperhapswasintelligible;everythingwasincommon;forthemammothswhopasturedinthefieldsofRichmondHighStreethadturnedintopavingstonesandboxesfullofribbon,andheraunts。

  “Didyousayyoulivedinthecountrywhenyouwereachild?“

  sheasked。

  Crudeashermannersseemedtohim,Richardwasflattered。

  Therecouldbenodoubtthatherinterestwasgenuine。

  “Idid,“hesmiled。

  “Andwhathappened?“sheasked。“OrdoIasktoomanyquestions?“

  “I’mflattered,Iassureyou。But——letmesee——whathappened?

  Well,riding,lessons,sisters。Therewasanenchantedrubbishheap,Iremember,whereallkindsofqueerthingshappened。Odd,whatthingsimpresschildren!Icanrememberthelookoftheplacetothisday。

  It’safallacytothinkthatchildrenarehappy。They’renot;

  they’reunhappy。I’veneversufferedsomuchasIdidwhenIwasachild。“

  “Why?“sheasked。

  “Ididn’tgetonwellwithmyfather,“saidRichardshortly。

  “Hewasaveryableman,buthard。Well——itmakesonedeterminednottosininthatwayoneself。Childrenneverforgetinjustice。

  Theyforgiveheapsofthingsgrown-uppeoplemind;butthatsinistheunpardonablesin。Mindyou——IdaresayIwasadifficultchildtomanage;butwhenIthinkwhatIwasreadytogive!No,Iwasmoresinnedagainstthansinning。AndthenIwenttoschool,whereIdidveryfairlywell;andandthen,asIsay,myfathersentmetobothuniversities……D’youknow,MissVinrace,you’vemademethink?Howlittle,afterall,onecantellanybodyaboutone’slife!HereIsit;thereyousit;both,Idoubtnot,chock-fullofthemostinterestingexperiences,ideas,emotions;

  yethowcommunicate?I’vetoldyouwhateverysecondpersonyoumeetmighttellyou。“

  “Idon’tthinkso,“shesaid。“It’sthewayofsayingthings,isn’tit,notthethings?“

  “True,“saidRichard。“Perfectlytrue。“Hepaused。“WhenI

  lookbackovermylife——I’mforty-two——whatarethegreatfactsthatstandout?Whatweretherevelations,ifImaycallthemso?

  Themiseryofthepoorand——“hehesitatedandpitchedover“love!“

  Uponthatwordheloweredhisvoice;itwasawordthatseemedtounveiltheskiesforRachel。

  “It’sanoddthingtosaytoayounglady,“hecontinued。

  “Buthaveyouanyideawhat——whatImeanbythat?No,ofcoursenot。

  Idon’tusethewordinaconventionalsense。Iuseitasyoungmenuseit。Girlsarekeptveryignorant,aren’tthey?

  Perhapsit’swise——perhaps——You_don’t_know?“

  Hespokeasifhehadlostconsciousnessofwhathewassaying。

  “No;Idon’t,“shesaid,scarcelyspeakingaboveherbreath。

  “Warships,Dick!Overthere!Look!“Clarissa,releasedfromMr。Grice,appreciativeofallhisseaweeds,skimmedtowardsthem,gesticulating。

  Shehadsightedtwosinistergreyvessels,lowinthewater,andbaldasbone,onecloselyfollowingtheotherwiththelookofeyelessbeastsseekingtheirprey。ConsciousnessreturnedtoRichardinstantly。

  “ByGeorge!“heexclaimed,andstoodshieldinghiseyes。

  “Ours,Dick?“saidClarissa。

  “TheMediterraneanFleet,“heanswered。

  “The_Euphrosyne_wasslowlydippingherflag。Richardraisedhishat。

  ConvulsivelyClarissasqueezedRachel’shand。

  “Aren’tyougladtobeEnglish!“shesaid。

  Thewarshipsdrewpast,castingacuriouseffectofdisciplineandsadnessuponthewaters,anditwasnotuntiltheywereagaininvisiblethatpeoplespoketoeachothernaturally。Atlunchthetalkwasallofvalouranddeath,andthemagnificentqualitiesofBritishadmirals。Clarissaquotedonepoet,Willoughbyquotedanother。

  Lifeonboardaman-of-warwassplendid,sotheyagreed,andsailors,wheneveronemetthem,werequiteespeciallyniceandsimple。

  Thisbeingso,noonelikeditwhenHelenremarkedthatitseemedtoheraswrongtokeepsailorsastokeepaZoo,andthatasfordyingonabattle-field,surelyitwastimeweceasedtopraisecourage——“ortowritebadpoetryaboutit,“snarledPepper。

  ButHelenwasreallywonderingwhyRachel,sittingsilent,lookedsoqueerandflushed。

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