TheArcadiansimplicityofthemetropolisaltogether，andtheprimitivewaysintowhichithasfalleninthisautumnalGoldenAge，makeitentirelynewtome。Withinafewhundredyardsofmyretreat，isthehouseofafriendwhomaintainsamostsumptuousbutler。Inever，untilyesterday，sawthatbutleroutofsuperfineblackbroadcloth。Untilyesterday，Ineversawhimoffduty，neversawhimheisthebestofbutlerswiththeappearanceofhavinganymindforanythingbutthegloryofhismasterandhismaster’sfriends。Yesterdaymorning，walkinginmyslippersnearthehouseofwhichheisthepropandornament-ahousenowawasteofshutters-Iencounteredthatbutler，alsoinhisslippers，andinashootingsuitofonecolour，andinalow-crownedstraw-hat，smokinganearlycigar。Hefeltthatwehadformerlymetinanotherstateofexistence，andthatweweretranslatedintoanewsphere。Wiselyandwell，hepassedmewithoutrecognition。Underhisarmhecarriedthemorningpaper，andshortlyafterwardsIsawhimsittingonarailinthepleasantopenlandscapeofRegent-
street，perusingitathiseaseundertheripeningsun。
Mylandlordhavingtakenhiswholeestablishmenttobesalteddown，Iamwaitedonbyanelderlywomanlabouringunderachronicsniff，who，attheshadowyhourofhalf-pastnineo’clockofeveryevening，givesadmittanceatthestreetdoortoameagreandmouldyoldmanwhomIhaveneveryetseendetachedfromaflatpintofbeerinapewterpot。Themeagreandmouldyoldmanisherhusband，andthepairhaveadejectedconsciousnessthattheyarenotjustifiedinappearingonthesurfaceoftheearth。TheycomeoutofsomeholewhenLondonemptiesitself，andgoinagainwhenitfills。IsawthemarriveontheeveningwhenImyselftookpossession，andtheyarrivedwiththeflatpintofbeer，andtheirbedinabundle。Theoldmanisaweakoldman，andappearedtometogetthebeddownthekitchenstairsbytumblingdownwithanduponit。Theymaketheirbedinthelowestandremotestcornerofthebasement，andtheysmellofbed，andhavenopossessionbutbed:unlessitbewhichIratherinferfromanunder-currentofflavourinthemcheese。Iknowtheirname，throughthechanceofhavingcalledthewife’sattention，athalf-pastnineonthesecondeveningofouracquaintance，tothecircumstanceoftherebeingsomeoneatthehousedoor；whensheapologeticallyexplained，’It’sonlyMr。Klem。’WhatbecomesofMr。Klemallday，orwhenhegoesout，orwhy，isamysteryIcannotpenetrate；butathalf-pastnineheneverfailstoturnuponthedoor-stepwiththeflatpintofbeer。Andthepintofbeer，flatasitis，issomuchmoreimportantthanhimself，thatitalwaysseemstomyfancyasifithadfoundhimdrivellinginthestreetandhadhumanelybroughthimhome。Inmakinghiswaybelow，Mr。Klemnevergoesdownthemiddleofthepassage，likeanotherChristian，butshufflesagainstthewallasifentreatingmetotakenoticethatheisoccupyingaslittlespaceaspossibleinthehouse；andwheneverIcomeuponhimfacetoface，hebacksfrommeinfascinatedconfusion。ThemostextraordinarycircumstanceIhavetracedinconnexionwiththisagedcouple，is，thatthereisaMissKlem，theirdaughter，apparentlytenyearsolderthaneitherofthem，whohasalsoabedandsmellsofit，andcarriesitabouttheearthatduskandhidesitindesertedhouses。IcameintothispieceofknowledgethroughMrs。Klem’sbeseechingmetosanctiontheshelteringofMissKlemunderthatroofforasinglenight，’betweenhertakin’careoftheupperpartinPallMallwhichthefamilyofhisback，anda’ouseinSerjameses-street，whichthefamilyofleavestowngter-morrer。’
IgavemygraciousconsenthavingnothingthatIknowoftodowithit，andintheshadowyhoursMissKlembecameperceptibleonthedoor-step，wrestlingwithabedinabundle。WhereshemadeitupforthenightIcannotpositivelystate，but，Ithink，inasink。Iknowthatwiththeinstinctofareptileoraninsect，shestoweditandherselfawayindeepobscurity。IntheKlemfamily，Ihavenoticedanotherremarkablegiftofnature，andthatisapowertheypossessofconvertingeverythingintoflue。Suchbrokenvictualsastheytakebystealth，appearwhateverthenatureoftheviandsinvariablytogenerateflue；andeventhenightlypintofbeer，insteadofassimilatingnaturally，strikesmeasbreakingoutinthatform，equallyontheshabbygownofMrs。Klem，andthethreadbarecoatofherhusband。
Mrs。Klemhasnoideaofmyname-astoMr。Klemhehasnoideaofanything-andonlyknowsmeashergoodgentleman。Thus，ifdoubtfulwhetherIaminmyroomorno，Mrs。Klemtapsatthedoorandsays，’Ismygoodgentlemanhere？’Or，ifamessengerdesiringtoseemewereconsistentwithmysolitude，shewouldshowhiminwith’Hereismygoodgentleman。’Ifindthistobeagenericcustom。For，Imeanttohaveobservedbeforenow，thatinitsArcadiantimeallmypartofLondonisindistinctlypervadedbytheKlemspecies。Theycreepaboutwithbeds，andgotobedinmilesofdesertedhouses。Theyholdnocompanionshipexceptthatsometimes，afterdark，twoofthemwillemergefromoppositehouses，andmeetinthemiddleoftheroadasonneutralground，orwillpeepfromadjoininghousesoveraninterposingbarrierofarearailings，andcompareafewreservedmistrustfulnotesrespectingtheirgoodladiesorgoodgentlemen。ThisIhavediscoveredinthecourseofvarioussolitaryramblesIhavetakenNorthwardfrommyretirement，alongtheawfulperspectivesofWimpole-street，Harley-
street，andsimilarfrowningregions。Theireffectwouldbescarcelydistinguishablefromthatoftheprimevalforests，butfortheKlemstragglers；thesemaybedimlyobserved，whentheheavyshadowsfall，flittingtoandfro，puttingupthedoor-chain，takinginthepintofbeer，loweringlikephantomsatthedarkparlourwindows，orsecretlyconsortingundergroundwiththedust-
binandthewater-cistern。
IntheBurlingtonArcade，Iobserve，withpeculiarpleasure，aprimitivestateofmannerstohavesupersededthebanefulinfluencesofultracivilisation。Nothingcansurpasstheinnocenceoftheladies’shoe-shops，theartificial-flowerrepositories，andthehead-dressdepots。Theyareinstrangehandsatthistimeofyear-handsofunaccustomedpersons，whoareimperfectlyacquaintedwiththepricesofthegoods，andcontemplatethemwithunsophisticateddelightandwonder。ThechildrenofthesevirtuouspeopleexchangefamiliaritiesintheArcade，andtempertheasperityofthetwotallbeadles。Theiryouthfulprattleblendsinanunwontedmannerwiththeharmoniousshadeofthescene，andthegeneraleffectis，asofthevoicesofbirdsinagrove。Inthishappyrestorationofthegoldentime，ithasbeenmyprivilegeeventoseethebiggerbeadle’swife。Shebroughthimhisdinnerinabasin，andheateitinhisarm-chair，andafterwardsfellasleeplikeasatiatedchild。AtMr。
Truefitt’s，theexcellenthairdresser’s，theyarelearningFrenchtobeguilethetime；andeventhefewsolitariesleftonguardatMr。Atkinson’s，theperfumer’sroundthecornergenerallythemostinexorablegentlemaninLondon，andthemostscornfulofthree-and-
sixpence，condescendalittle，astheydrowsilybideorrecalltheirturnforchasingtheebbingNeptuneontheribbedsea-sand。
FromMessrs。HuntandRoskell’s，thejewellers，allthingsareabsentbutthepreciousstones，andthegoldandsilver，andthesoldierlypensioneratthedoorwithhisdecoratedbreast。Imightstandnightanddayforamonthtocome，inSaville-row，withmytongueout，yetnotfindadoctortolookatitforloveormoney。
Thedentists’instrumentsarerustingintheirdrawers，andtheirhorriblecoolparlours，wherepeoplepretendtoreadtheEvery-DayBookandnottobeafraid，aredoingpenancefortheirgrimnessinwhitesheets。Thelight-weightofshrewdappearance，withoneeyealwaysshutup，asifhewereeatingasharpgooseberryinallseasons，whousuallystandsatthegatewayofthelivery-stablesonverylittlelegsunderaverylargewaistcoat，hasgonetoDoncaster。Ofsuchundesigningaspectishisguilelessyardnow，withitsgravelandscarletbeans，andtheyellowBreakhousedunderaglassroofinacorner，thatIalmostbelieveIcouldnotbetakeninthere，ifItried。Intheplacesofbusinessofthegreattailors，thecheval-glassesaredimanddustyforlackofbeinglookedinto。Rangesofbrownpapercoatandwaistcoatbodieslookasfunerealasiftheywerethehatchmentsofthecustomerswithwhosenamestheyareinscribed；themeasuringtapeshangidleonthewall；theorder-taker，leftonthehopelesschanceofsomeonelookingin，yawnsinthelastextremityoverthebookofpatterns，asifheweretryingtoreadthatentertaininglibrary。
ThehotelsinBrook-streethavenooneinthem，andthestaffsofservantsstaredisconsolatelyfornextseasonoutofallthewindows。TheverymanwhogoesaboutlikeanerectTurtle，betweentwoboardsrecommendatoryoftheSixteenShillingTrousers，isawareofhimselfasahollowmockery，andeatsfilbertswhileheleanshishindershellagainstawall。
Amongthesetranquillisingobjects，itismydelighttowalkandmeditate。Soothedbythereposearoundme，Iwanderinsensiblytoconsiderabledistances，andguidemyselfbackbythestars。Thus，Ienjoythecontrastofafewstillpartiallyinhabitedandbusyspotswhereallthelightsarenotfled，whereallthegarlandsarenotdead，whenceallbutIhavenotdeparted。Then，doesitappeartomethatinthisagethreethingsareclamorouslyrequiredofManinthemiscellaneousthoroughfaresofthemetropolis。Firstly，thathehavehisbootscleaned。Secondly，thatheeatapennyice。
Thirdly，thathegethimselfphotographed。ThendoIspeculate，Whathavethoseseam-wornartistsbeenwhostandatthephotographdoorsinGreekcaps，sampleinhand，andmysteriouslysalutethepublic-thefemalepublicwithapressingtenderness-tocomeinandbe’took’？Whatdidtheydowiththeirgreasyblandishments，beforetheeraofcheapphotography？Ofwhatclassweretheirpreviousvictims，andhowvictimised？Andhowdidtheyget，andhowdidtheypayfor，thatlargecollectionoflikenesses，allpurportingtohavebeentakeninside，withthetakingofnoneofwhichhadthatestablishmentanymoretodothanwiththetakingofDelhi？
But，thesearesmalloases，andIamsoonbackagaininmetropolitanArcadia。ItismyimpressionthatmuchofitssereneandpeacefulcharacterisattributabletotheabsenceofcustomaryTalk。HowdoIknowbuttheremaybesubtleinfluencesinTalk，tovexthesoulsofmenwhodon’thearit？HowdoIknowbutthatTalk，five，ten，twentymilesoff，maygetintotheairanddisagreewithme？IfIrisefrommybed，vaguelytroubledandweariedandsickofmylife，inthesessionofParliament，whoshallsaythatmynoblefriend，myrightreverendfriend，myrighthonourablefriend，myhonourablefriend，myhonourableandlearnedfriend，ormyhonourableandgallantfriend，maynotberesponsibleforthateffectuponmynervoussystem？ToomuchOzoneintheair，IaminformedandfullybelievethoughIhavenoideawhatitis，wouldaffectmeinamarvellouslydisagreeableway；whymaynottoomuchTalk？Idon’tseeorheartheOzone；Idon’tseeorheartheTalk。AndthereissomuchTalk；somuchtoomuch；suchloudcry，andsuchscantsupplyofwool；suchadealoffleecing，andsolittlefleece！Hence，intheArcadianseason，IfinditadelicioustriumphtowalkdowntodesertedWestminster，andseetheCourtsshutup；towalkalittlefurtherandseetheTwoHousesshutup；tostandintheAbbeyYard，liketheNewZealanderofthegrandEnglishHistoryconcerningwhichunfortunateman，awholerookeryofmares’nestsisgenerallybeingdiscovered，andgloatupontheruinsofTalk。Returningtomyprimitivesolitudeandlyingdowntosleep，mygratefulheartexpandswiththeconsciousnessthatthereisnoadjournedDebate，noministerialexplanation，nobodytogivenoticeofintentiontoaskthenobleLordattheheadofherMajesty’sGovernmentfive-and-twentybootlessquestionsinone，notermtimewithlegalargument，noNisiPriuswitheloquentappealtoBritishJury；thattheairwillto-morrow，andto-morrow，andto-morrow，remainuntroubledbythissuperabundantgeneratingofTalk。Inaminordegreeitisadelicioustriumphtometogointotheclub，andseethecarpetsup，andtheBoresandtheotherdustdispersedtothefourwinds。
Again，NewZealander-like，Istandonthecoldhearth，andsayinthesolitude，’HereIwatchedBoreA1，withvoicealwaysmysteriouslylowandheadalwaysmysteriouslydrooped，whisperingpoliticalsecretsintotheearsofAdam’sconfidingchildren。