“Howcanyou？howcanyou？”interruptedtheobjectofmyanimadversions，gaspingforbreath，andtearingoff，withadesperateexertion，thebandagearounditsjaws“howcanyou，Mr。
Lackobreath，besoinfernallycruelastopinchmeinthatmannerbythenose？DidyounotseehowtheyhadfastenedupmymouthandyoumustknowifyouknowanythinghowvastasuperfluityofbreathIhavetodisposeof！Ifyoudonotknow，however，sitdownandyoushallsee。Inmysituationitisreallyagreatrelieftobeabletoopenonesmouthtobeabletoexpatiatetobeabletocommunicatewithapersonlikeyourself，whodonotthinkyourselfcalleduponateveryperiodtointerruptthethreadofagentleman’sdiscourse。Interruptionsareannoyingandshouldundoubtedlybeabolisheddon’tyouthinkso？noreply，Ibegyou，onepersonisenoughtobespeakingatatime。Ishallbedonebyandby，andthenyoumaybegin。Howthedevilsir，didyougetintothisplace？notawordIbeseechyoubeenheresometimemyselfterribleaccident！heardofit，Isuppose？awfulcalamity！
walkingunderyourwindowssomeshortwhileagoaboutthetimeyouwerestage-struckhorribleoccurrence！heardof“catchingone’sbreath。”eh？holdyourtongueItellyou！I
caughtsomebodyelses！hadalwaystoomuchofmyownmetBlabatthecornerofthestreetwouldn’tgivemeachanceforawordcouldn’tgetinasyllableedgewaysattacked，consequently，withepilepsisBlabmadehisescapedamnallfools！theytookmeupfordead，andputmeinthisplaceprettydoingsallofthem！heardallyousaidaboutmeeverywordaliehorrible！
wonderfuloutrageous！hideous！incomprehensible！etceteraetceteraetceteraetcetera-“
Itisimpossibletoconceivemyastonishmentatsounexpectedadiscourse，orthejoywithwhichIbecamegraduallyconvincedthatthebreathsofortunatelycaughtbythegentlemanwhomIsoonrecognizedasmyneighborWindenoughwas，infact，theidenticalexpirationmislaidbymyselfintheconversationwithmywife。Time，place，andcircumstancesrendereditamatterbeyondquestion。IdidnotatleastduringthelongperiodinwhichtheinventorofLombardypoplarscontinuedtofavormewithhisexplanations。
InthisrespectIwasactuatedbythathabitualprudencewhichhaseverbeenmypredominatingtrait。Ireflectedthatmanydifficultiesmightstilllieinthepathofmypreservationwhichonlyextremeexertiononmypartwouldbeabletosurmount。Manypersons，I
considered，arepronetoestimatecommoditiesintheirpossession
howevervaluelesstothethenproprietorhowevertroublesome，ordistressingindirectratiowiththeadvantagestobederivedbyothersfromtheirattainment，orbythemselvesfromtheirabandonment。MightnotthisbethecasewithMr。Windenough？Indisplayinganxietyforthebreathofwhichhewasatpresentsowillingtogetrid，mightInotlaymyselfopentotheexactionsofhisavarice？Therearescoundrelsinthisworld，Irememberedwithasigh，whowillnotscrupletotakeunfairopportunitieswithevenanextdoorneighbor，andthisremarkisfromEpictetusitispreciselyatthattimewhenmenaremostanxioustothrowofftheburdenoftheirowncalamitiesthattheyfeeltheleastdesirousofrelievingtheminothers。
Uponconsiderationssimilartothese，andstillretainingmygraspuponthenoseofMr。W。，Iaccordinglythoughtpropertomodelmyreply。
“Monster！”Ibeganinatoneofthedeepestindignation“monsteranddouble-windedidiot！dostthou，whomforthineiniquitiesithaspleasedheaventoaccursewithatwo-foldrespimtiondostthou，Isay，presumetoaddressmeinthefamiliarlanguageofanoldacquaintance？’Ilie，’forsooth！and’holdmytongue，’tobesure！
prettyconversationindeed，toagentlemanwithasinglebreath！
allthis，too，whenIhaveitinmypowertorelievethecalamityunderwhichthoudostsojustlysuffertocurtailthesuperfluitiesofthineunhappyrespiration。”
LikeBrutus，Ipausedforareplywithwhich，likeatornado，Mr。
Windenoughimmediatelyoverwhelmedme。Protestationfolloweduponprotestation，andapologyuponapology。Therewerenotermswithwhichhewasunwillingtocomply，andtherewerenoneofwhichI
failedtotakethefullestadvantage。
Preliminariesbeingatlengtharranged，myacquaintancedeliveredmetherespiration；forwhichhavingcarefullyexamineditIgavehimafterwardareceipt。
IamawarethatbymanyIshallbeheldtoblameforspeakinginamannersocursory，ofatransactionsoimpalpable。ItwillbethoughtthatIshouldhaveenteredmoreminutely，intothedetailsofanoccurrencebywhichandthisisverytruemuchnewlightmightbethrownuponahighlyinterestingbranchofphysicalphilosophy。
ToallthisIamsorrythatIcannotreply。AhintistheonlyanswerwhichIampermittedtomake。TherewerecircumstancesbutIthinkitmuchsaferuponconsiderationtosayaslittleaspossibleaboutanaffairsodelicatesodelicate，Irepeat，andatthetimeinvolvingtheinterestsofathirdpartywhosesulphurousresentmentIhavenottheleastdesire，atthismoment，ofincurring。
Wewerenotlongafterthisnecessaryarrangementineffectinganescapefromthedungeonsofthesepulchre。Theunitedstrengthofourresuscitatedvoiceswassoonsufficientlyapparent。Scissors，theWhigeditor，republishedatreatiseupon“thenatureandoriginofsubterraneannoises。”AreplyrejoinderconfutationandjustificationfollowedinthecolumnsofaDemocraticGazette。Itwasnotuntiltheopeningofthevaulttodecidethecontroversy，thattheappearanceofMr。Windenoughandmyselfprovedbothpartiestohavebeendecidedlyinthewrong。
Icannotconcludethesedetailsofsomeverysingularpassagesinalifeatalltimessufficientlyeventful，withoutagainrecallingtotheattentionofthereaderthemeritsofthatindiscriminatephilosophywhichisasureandreadyshieldagainstthoseshaftsofcalamitywhichcanneitherbeseen，feltnorfullyunderstood。Itwasinthespiritofthiswisdomthat，amongtheancientHebrews，itwasbelievedthegatesofHeavenwouldbeinevitablyopenedtothatsinner，orsaint，who，withgoodlungsandimplicitconfidence，shouldvociferatetheword“Amen！”Itwasinthespiritofthiswisdomthat，whenagreatplagueragedatAthens，andeverymeanshadbeeninvainattemptedforitsremoval，Epimenides，asLaertiusrelates，inhissecondbook，ofthatphilosopher，advisedtheerectionofashrineandtemple“totheproperGod。”
THEMANTHATWASUSEDUP。
ATALEOFTHELATEBUGABOOANDKICKAPOOCAMPAIGN。
_Pleurez，pleurez，mesyeux，etfondezvouseneau！_
_Lamoiti？；demavieamisl’autreautombeau。_
CORNEILLE。
ICANNOTjustnowrememberwhenorwhereIfirstmadetheacquaintanceofthattrulyfine-lookingfellow，BrevetBrigadierGeneralJohnA。B。C。Smith。Someone_did_introducemetothegentleman，Iamsure-atsomepublicmeeting，Iknowverywell-
heldaboutsomethingofgreatimportance，nodoubt-atsomeplaceorother，Ifeelconvinced，-whosenameIhaveunaccountablyforgotten。
Thetruthis-thattheintroductionwasattended，uponmypart，withadegreeofanxiousembarrassmentwhichoperatedtopreventanydefiniteimpressionsofeithertimeorplace。Iamconstitutionallynervous-this，withme，isafamilyfailing，andIcan’thelpit。
Inespecial，theslightestappearanceofmystery-ofanypointI
cannotexactlycomprehend-putsmeatonceintoapitiablestateofagitation。
Therewassomething，asitwere，remarkable-yes，_remarkable_，althoughthisisbutafeebletermtoexpressmyfullmeaning-abouttheentireindividualityofthepersonageinquestion。Hewas，perhaps，sixfeetinheight，andofapresencesingularlycommanding。
Therewasan_airdistingu開pervadingthewholeman，whichspokeofhighbreeding，andhintedathighbirth。Uponthistopic-thetopicofSmith’spersonalappearance-Ihaveakindofmelancholysatisfactioninbeingminute。HisheadofhairwouldhavedonehonortoaBrutus；-nothingcouldbemorerichlyflowing，orpossessabrightergloss。Itwasofajettyblack；-whichwasalsothecolor，ormoreproperlythenocolorofhisunimaginablewhiskers。
YouperceiveIcannotspeakoftheselatterwithoutenthusiasm；itisnottoomuchtosaythattheywerethehandsomestpairofwhiskersunderthesun。Atallevents，theyencircled，andattimespartiallyovershadowed，amouthutterlyunequalled。Herewerethemostentirelyeven，andthemostbrilliantlywhiteofallconceivableteeth。Frombetweenthem，uponeveryproperoccasion，issuedavoiceofsurpassingclearness，melody，andstrength。Inthematterofeyes，also，myacquaintancewaspre-eminentlyendowed。Eitheroneofsuchapairwasworthacoupleoftheordinaryocularorgans。Theywereofadeephazel，exceedinglylargeandlustrous；andtherewasperceptibleaboutthem，everandanon，justthatamountofinterestingobliquitywhichgivespregnancytoexpression。
ThebustoftheGeneralwasunquestionablythefinestbustIeversaw。Foryourlifeyoucouldnothavefoundafaultwithitswonderfulproportion。ThisrarepeculiaritysetofftogreatadvantageapairofshoulderswhichwouldhavecalledupablushofconsciousinferiorityintothecountenanceofthemarbleApollo。I
haveapassionforfineshoulders，andmaysaythatIneverbeheldtheminperfectionbefore。Thearmsaltogetherwereadmirablymodelled。Norwerethelowerlimbslesssuperb。Thesewere，indeed，the_neplusultra_ofgoodlegs。Everyconnoisseurinsuchmattersadmittedthelegstobegood。Therewasneithertoomuchflesh，nortoolittle，-neitherrudenessnorfragility。Icouldnotimagineamoregracefulcurvethanthatofthe_osfemoris_，andtherewasjustthatduegentleprominenceintherearofthe_fibula_whichgoestotheconformationofaproperlyproportionedcalf。IwishtoGodmyyoungandtalentedfriendChiponchipino，thesculptor，hadbutseenthelegsofBrevetBrigadierGeneralJohnA。B。C。Smith。
Butalthoughmensoabsolutelyfine-lookingareneitherasplentyasreasonsorblackberries，stillIcouldnotbringmyselftobelievethat_theremarkable_somethingtowhichIalludedjustnow，-thattheoddairof_jenesaisquoi_whichhungaboutmynewacquaintance，-layaltogether，orindeedatall，inthesupremeexcellenceofhisbodilyendowments。Perhapsitmightbetracedtothe_manner_；-yethereagainIcouldnotpretendtobepositive。
There_was_aprimness，nottosaystiffness，inhiscarriage-adegreeofmeasured，and，ifImaysoexpressit，ofrectangularprecision，attendinghiseverymovement，which，observedinamorediminutivefigure，wouldhavehadtheleastlittlesavorintheworld，ofaffectation，pomposityorconstraint，butwhichnoticedinagentlemanofhisundoubteddimensions，wasreadilyplacedtotheaccountofreserve，_hauteur_-ofacommendablesense，inshort，ofwhatisduetothedignityofcolossalproportion。
ThekindfriendwhopresentedmetoGeneralSmithwhisperedinmyearsomefewwordsofcommentupontheman。Hewasa_remarkable_
man-a_very_remarkableman-indeedoneofthe_most_remarkablemenoftheage。Hewasanespecialfavorite，too，withtheladies-
chieflyonaccountofhishighreputationforcourage。
“In_that_pointheisunrivalled-indeedheisaperfectdesperado-adown-rightfire-eater，andnomistake。”saidmyfriend，heredroppinghisvoiceexcessivelylow，andthrillingmewiththemysteryofhistone。
“Adownrightfire-eater，and_no_mistake。Showed_that_，I
shouldsay，tosomepurpose，inthelatetremendousswamp-fightawaydownSouth，withtheBugabooandKickapooIndians。”[Heremyfriendopenedhiseyestosomeextent。]“Blessmysoul！-bloodandthunder，andallthat！-_prodigies_ofvalor！-heardofhimofcourse？-youknowhe’stheman“-
“Manalive，how_do_youdo？why，how_are_ye？_very_gladtoseeye，indeed！”hereinterruptedtheGeneralhimself，seizingmycompanionbythehandashedrewnear，andbowingstiffly，butprofoundly，asIwaspresented。Ithenthought，andIthinksostill，thatIneverheardaclearernorastrongervoice，norbeheldafinersetofteeth：butI_must_saythatIwassorryfortheinterruptionjustatthatmoment，as，owingtothewhispersandinsinuationsaforesaid，myinteresthadbeengreatlyexcitedintheherooftheBugabooandKickapoocampaign。
However，thedelightfullyluminousconversationofBrevetBrigadierGeneralJohnA。B。C。Smithsooncompletelydissipatedthischagrin。Myfriendleavingusimmediately，wehadquitealong_t阾e-？t阾e_，andIwasnotonlypleasedbut_really_-instructed。