Ineverheardamorefluenttalker，oramanofgreatergeneralinformation。Withbecomingmodesty，heforebore，nevertheless，totouchuponthethemeIhadjustthenmostatheart-ImeanthemysteriouscircumstancesattendingtheBugaboowar-and，onmyownpart，whatIconceivetobeapropersenseofdelicacyforbademetobroachthesubject；although，intruth，Iwasexceedinglytemptedtodoso。Iperceived，too，thatthegallantsoldierpreferredtopicsofphilosophicalinterest，andthathedelighted，especially，incommentingupontherapidmarchofmechanicalinvention。Indeed，leadhimwhereIwould，thiswasapointtowhichheinvariablycameback。
“Thereisnothingatalllikeit。”hewouldsay；“weareawonderfulpeople，andliveinawonderfulage。Parachutesandrail-roads-man-trapsandspring-guns！Oursteam-boatsareuponeverysea，andtheNassauballoonpacketisabouttorunregulartripsfareeitherwayonlytwentypoundssterlingbetweenLondonandTimbuctoo。Andwhoshallcalculatetheimmenseinfluenceuponsociallife-uponarts-uponcommerce-uponliterature-whichwillbetheimmediateresultofthegreatprinciplesofelectromagnetics！Nor，isthisall，letmeassureyou！Thereisreallynoendtothemarchofinvention。Themostwonderful-themostingenious-andletmeadd，Mr-Mr-Thompson，Ibelieve，isyourname-letmeadd，Isay，themost_useful_-themosttruly_useful_mechanicalcontrivances，aredailyspringinguplikemushrooms，ifImaysoexpressmyself，or，morefiguratively，like-
ah-grasshoppers-likegrasshoppers，Mr。Thompson-aboutusandah-ah-ah-aroundus！”
Thompson，tobesure，isnotmyname；butitisneedlesstosaythatIleftGeneralSmithwithaheightenedinterestintheman，withanexaltedopinionofhisconversationalpowers，andadeepsenseofthevaluableprivilegesweenjoyinlivinginthisageofmechanicalinvention。Mycuriosity，however，hadnotbeenaltogethersatisfied，andIresolvedtoprosecuteimmediateinquiryamongmyacquaintancestouchingtheBrevetBrigadierGeneralhimself，andparticularlyrespectingthetremendousevents_quorumparsmagnafuit_，duringtheBugabooandKickapoocampaign。
Thefirstopportunitywhichpresenteditself，andwhich_horrescoreferens_Ididnotintheleastscrupletoseize，occurredattheChurchoftheReverendDoctorDrummummupp，whereI
foundmyselfestablished，oneSunday，justatsermontime，notonlyinthepew，butbytheside，ofthatworthyandcommunicativelittlefriendofmine，MissTabithaT。Thusseated，Icongratulatedmyself，andwithmuchreason，upontheveryflatteringstateofaffairs。IfanypersonknewanythingaboutBrevetBrigadierGeneralJohnA。B。C。
Smith，thatperson，itwascleartome，wasMissTabithaT。Wetelegraphedafewsignals，andthencommenced，_sotovoce_，abrisk_t阾e-？t阾e_。
“Smith！”saidshe，inreplytomyveryearnestinquiry；“Smith！-why，notGeneralJohnA。B。C。？Blessme，Ithoughtyou_knew_
allabout_him！_Thisisawonderfullyinventiveage！Horridaffairthat！-abloodysetofwretches，thoseKickapoos！-
foughtlikeahero-prodigiesofvalor-immortalrenown。Smith！-
BrevetBrigadierGeneralJohnA。B。C。！why，youknowhe’stheman“-
“Man。”herebrokeinDoctorDrummummupp，atthetopofhisvoice，andwithathumpthatcamenearknockingthepulpitaboutourears；
“manthatisbornofawomanhathbutashorttimetolive；hecomethupandiscutdownlikeaflower！”Istartedtotheextremityofthepew，andperceivedbytheanimatedlooksofthedivine，thatthewrathwhichhadnearlyprovedfataltothepulpithadbeenexcitedbythewhispersoftheladyandmyself。Therewasnohelpforit；soIsubmittedwithagoodgrace，andlistened，inallthemartyrdomofdignifiedsilence，tothebalanceofthatverycapitaldiscourse。
NexteveningfoundmeasomewhatlatevisitorattheRantipoletheatre，whereIfeltsureofsatisfyingmycuriosityatonce，bymerelysteppingintotheboxofthoseexquisitespecimensofaffabilityandomniscience，theMissesArabellaandMirandaCognoscenti。Thatfinetragedian，Climax，wasdoingIagotoaverycrowdedhouse，andIexperiencedsomelittledifficultyinmakingmywishesunderstood；especially，asourboxwasnexttheslips，andcompletelyoverlookedthestage。
“Smith？”saidMissArabella，assheatlengthcomprehendedthepurportofmyquery；“Smith？-why，notGeneralJohnA。B。C。？”
“Smith？”inquiredMiranda，musingly。“Godblessme，didyoueverbeholdafinerfigure？”
“Never，madam，but_do_tellme“-
“Orsoinimitablegrace？”
“Never，uponmyword！-Butprayinformme“-
“Orsojustanappreciationofstageeffect？”
“Madam！”
“OramoredelicatesenseofthetruebeautiesofShakespeare？
Besogoodastolookatthatleg！”
“Thedevil！”andIturnedagaintohersister。
“Smith？”saidshe，“why，notGeneralJohnA。B。C。？Horridaffairthat，wasn’tit？-greatwretches，thoseBugaboos-savageandsoon-butweliveinawonderfullyinventiveage！-Smith！-
Oyes！greatman！-perfectdesperado-immortalrenown-
prodigiesofvalor！_Neverheard！_“[Thiswasgiveninascream。]
“Blessmysoul！why，he’stheman“-
“-mandragoraNorallthedrowsysyrupsoftheworldShallevermedicinetheetothatsweetsleepWhichthouowd’styesterday！”
hereroaredourClimaxjustinmyear，andshakinghisfistinmyfaceallthetime，inawaythatI_couldn’t_stand，andI
_wouldn’t_。IlefttheMissesCognoscentiimmediately，wentbehindthescenesforthwith，andgavethebeggarlyscoundrelsuchathrashingasItrusthewillremembertothedayofhisdeath。
Atthe_soir閑_ofthelovelywidow，Mrs。KathleenO’Trump，IwasconfidentthatIshouldmeetwithnosimilardisappointment。
Accordingly，Iwasnosoonerseatedatthecard-table，withmyprettyhostessfora_vis-？vis_，thanIpropoundedthosequestionsthesolutionofwhichhadbecomeamattersoessentialtomypeace。
“Smith？”saidmypartner，“why，notGeneralJohnA。B。C。？
Horridaffairthat，wasn’tit？-diamonds，didyousay？-
terriblewretchesthoseKickapoos！-weareplaying_whist_，ifyouplease，Mr。Tattle-however，thisistheageofinvention，mostcertainly_the_age，onemaysay-_the_age_parexcellence_-
speakFrench？-oh，quiteahero-perfectdesperado！-_nohearts_，Mr。Tattle？Idon’tbelieveit！-immortalrenownandallthat！-prodigiesofvalor！_Neverheard！！_-why，blessme，he’stheman“-
“Mann？-_Captain_Mann？”herescreamedsomelittlefeminineinterloperfromthefarthestcorneroftheroom。“AreyoutalkingaboutCaptainMannandtheduel？-oh，I_must_hear-dotell-
goon，Mrs。O’Trump！-donowgoon！”AndgoonMrs。O’Trumpdid-allaboutacertainCaptainMann，whowaseithershotorhung，orshouldhavebeenbothshotandhung。Yes！Mrs。O’Trump，shewenton，andI-Iwentoff。TherewasnochanceofhearinganythingfartherthateveninginregardtoBrevetBrigadierGeneralJohnA。B。
C。Smith。
StillIconsoledmyselfwiththereflectionthatthetideofillluckwouldnotrunagainstmeforever，andsodeterminedtomakeaboldpushforinformationattheroutofthatbewitchinglittleangel，thegracefulMrs。Pirouette。
“Smith？”saidMrs。P。，aswetwirledabouttogetherina_pasdezephyr_，“Smith？-why，notGeneralJohnA。B。C。？DreadfulbusinessthatoftheBugaboos，wasn’tit？-dreadfulcreatures，thoseIndians！-_do_turnoutyourtoes！Ireallyamashamedofyou-manofgreatcourage，poorfellow！-butthisisawonderfulageforinvention-Odearme，I’moutofbreath-quiteadesperado-prodigiesofvalor-_neverheard！！_-can’tbelieveit-Ishallhavetositdownandenlightenyou-Smith！why，he’stheman“-
“Man-_Fred_，Itellyou！”herebawledoutMissBas-Bleu，asI
ledMrs。Pirouettetoaseat。“Dideveranybodyhearthelike？
It’sMan-_Fred_，Isay，andnotatallbyanymeansMan-_Friday_。”
HereMissBas-Bleubeckonedtomeinaveryperemptorymanner；andI
wasobliged，willInillI，toleaveMrs。P。forthepurposeofdecidingadisputetouchingthetitleofacertainpoeticaldramaofLordByron’s。AlthoughIpronounced，withgreatpromptness，thatthetruetitlewasMan-_Friday_，andnotbyanymeansMan-_Fred_，yetwhenIreturnedtoseekMrs。Pirouetteshewasnottobediscovered，andImademyretreatfromthehouseinaverybitterspiritofanimosityagainstthewholeraceoftheBas-Bleus。
Mattershadnowassumedareallyseriousaspect，andIresolvedtocallatonceuponmyparticularfriend，Mr。TheodoreSinivate；
forIknewthathereatleastIshouldgetsomethinglikedefiniteinformation。
“Smith？”saidhe，inhiswell-knownpeculiarwayofdrawlingouthissyllables；“Smith？-why，notGeneralJohnA。B。C。？SavageaffairthatwiththeKickapo-o-o-os，wasn’tit？Say！don’tyouthinkso？-perfectdespera-a-ado-greatpity，’ponmyhonor！-
wonderfullyinventiveage！-pro-o-odigiesofvalor！Bytheby，didyoueverhearaboutCaptainMa-a-a-a-n？”
“CaptainMannbedd！”saidI；“pleasetogoonwithyourstory。”
“Hem！-ohwell！-quite_lam阭echo-o-ose_，aswesayinFrance。Smith，eh？Brigadier-GeneralJohnA。B。C。？Isay“-
[hereMr。S。thoughtpropertoputhisfingertothesideofhisnose]-“Isay，youdon’tmeantoinsinuatenow，reallyandtruly，andconscientiously，thatyoudon’tknowallaboutthataffairofSmith’s，aswellasIdo，eh？Smith？JohnA-B-C。？Why，blessme，he’sthema-a-an“-
“_Mr_。Sinivate。”saidI，imploringly，“_is_hethemaninthemask？”
“No-o-o！”saidhe，lookingwise，“northemaninthemo-o-on。”
ThisreplyIconsideredapointedandpositiveinsult，andsoleftthehouseatonceinhighdudgeon，withafirmresolvetocallmyfriend，Mr。Sinivate，toaspeedyaccountforhisungentlemanlyconductandill-breeding。
Inthemeantime，however，IhadnonotionofbeingthwartedtouchingtheinformationIdesired。Therewasoneresourceleftmeyet。Iwouldgotothefountain-head。IwouldcallforthwithupontheGeneralhimself，anddemand，inexplicitterms，asolutionofthisabominablepieceofmystery。Here，atleast，thereshouldbenochanceforequivocation。Iwouldbeplain，positive，peremptory-asshortaspie-crust-asconciseasTacitusorMontesquieu。
ItwasearlywhenIcalled，andtheGeneralwasdressing；butI
pleadedurgentbusiness，andwasshownatonceintohisbed-roombyanoldnegrovalet，whoremainedinattendanceduringmyvisit。AsI
enteredthechamber，Ilookedabout，ofcourse，fortheoccupant，butdidnotimmediatelyperceivehim。Therewasalargeandexceedinglyodd-lookingbundleofsomethingwhichlayclosebymyfeetonthefloor，and，asIwasnotinthebesthumorintheworld，Igaveitakickoutoftheway。
“Hem！ahem！rathercivilthat，Ishouldsay！”saidthebundle，inoneofthesmallest，andaltogetherthefunniestlittlevoices，betweenasqueakandawhistle，thatIeverheardinallthedaysofmyexistence。
“Ahem！rathercivilthat，Ishouldobserve。”
Ifairlyshoutedwithterror，andmadeoff，atatangent，intothefarthestextremityoftheroom。
“Godblessme！mydearfellow。”hereagainwhistledthebundle，“what-what-what-why，what_is_thematter？Ireallybelieveyoudon’tknowmeatall。”
What_could_Isaytoallthis-what_could_I？Istaggeredintoanarm-chair，and，withstaringeyesandopenmouth，awaitedthesolutionofthewonder。
“Strangeyoushouldn’tknowmethough，isn’tit？”presentlyre-squeakedthenondescript，whichInowperceivedwasperforming，uponthefloor，someinexplicableevolution，veryanalogoustothedrawingonofastocking。Therewasonlyasingleleg，however，apparent。
“Strangeyoushouldn’tknowme，though，isn’tit？Pompey，bringmethatleg！”HerePompeyhandedthebundle，averycapitalcorkleg，alreadydressed，whichitscrewedoninatrice；andthenitstoodupbeforemyeyes。
“Andabloodyactionit_was_。”continuedthething，asifinasoliloquy；“butthenonemustn’tfightwiththeBugaboosandKickapoos，andthinkofcomingoffwithamerescratch。Pompey，I’llthankyounowforthatarm。Thomas“[turningtome]“isdecidedlythebesthandatacorkleg；butifyoushouldeverwantanarm，mydearfellow，youmustreallyletmerecommendyoutoBishop。”HerePompeyscrewedonanarm。
“Wehadratherhotworkofit，thatyoumaysay。Now，youdog，sliponmyshouldersandbosom！Pettittmakesthebestshoulders，butforabosomyouwillhavetogotoDucrow。”
“Bosom！”saidI。
“Pompey，willyou_never_bereadywiththatwig？Scalpingisaroughprocessafterall；butthenyoucanprocuresuchacapitalscratchatDeL’Orme’s。”
“Scratch！”