Thegoodpeopleoftheboroughhadscarcelyachance，however，togettheireyesthoroughlyopen，when，justasitwantedhalfaminuteofnoon，therascalbounced，asIsay，rightintothemidstofthem；
gaveachassezhere，andabalancezthere；andthen，afterapirouetteandapas-de-zephyr，pigeon-wingedhimselfrightupintothebelfryoftheHouseoftheTownCouncil，wherethewonder-strickenbelfry-mansatsmokinginastateofdignityanddismay。Butthelittlechapseizedhimatoncebythenose；gaveitaswingandapull；clappedthebigchapeaude-brasuponhishead；
knockeditdownoverhiseyesandmouth；andthen，liftingupthebigfiddle，beathimwithitsolongandsosoundly，thatwhatwiththebelfry-manbeingsofat，andthefiddlebeingsohollow，youwouldhaveswornthattherewasaregimentofdouble-bassdrummersallbeatingthedevil’stattooupinthebelfryofthesteepleofVondervotteimittiss。
Thereisnoknowingtowhatdesperateactofvengeancethisunprincipledattackmighthavearousedtheinhabitants，butfortheimportantfactthatitnowwantedonlyhalfasecondofnoon。Thebellwasabouttostrike，anditwasamatterofabsoluteandpre-eminentnecessitythateverybodyshouldlookwellathiswatch。
Itwasevident，however，thatjustatthismomentthefellowinthesteeplewasdoingsomethingthathehadnobusinesstodowiththeclock。Butasitnowbegantostrike，nobodyhadanytimetoattendtohismanoeuvres，fortheyhadalltocountthestrokesofthebellasitsounded。
“One！”saidtheclock。
“Von！”echoedeverylittleoldgentlemanineveryleather-bottomedarm-chairinVondervotteimittiss。“Von！”saidhiswatchalso；“von！”
saidthewatchofhisvrow；and“von！”saidthewatchesoftheboys，andthelittlegiltrepeatersonthetailsofthecatandpig。
“Two！”continuedthebigbell；and“Doo！”repeatedalltherepeaters。
“Three！Four！Five！Six！Seven！Eight！Nine！Ten！”saidthebell。
“Dree！Vour！Fibe！Sax！Seben！Aight！Noin！Den！”answeredtheothers。
“Eleven！”saidthebigone。
“Eleben！”assentedthelittleones。
“Twelve！”saidthebell。
“Dvelf！”theyrepliedperfectlysatisfied，anddroppingtheirvoices。
“Unddvelfitis！”saidallthelittleoldgentlemen，puttinguptheirwatches。Butthebigbellhadnotdonewiththemyet。
“Thirteen！”saidhe。
“DerTeufel！”gaspedthelittleoldgentlemen，turningpale，droppingtheirpipes，andputtingdownalltheirrightlegsfromovertheirleftknees。
“DerTeufel！”groanedthey，“Dirteen！Dirteen！！MeinGott，itisDirteeno’clock！！”
Whyattempttodescribetheterriblescenewhichensued？AllVondervotteimittissflewatonceintoalamentablestateofuproar。
“Votiscum’dtomeinpelly？”roaredalltheboys“I’vebeenongryfordishour！”
“Votiscom’dtomeinkraut？”screamedallthevrows，“Ithasbeendonetoragsforthishour！”
“Votiscum’dtomeinpipe？”sworeallthelittleoldgentlemen，“DonderandBlitzen；ithasbeensmokedoutfordishour！”andtheyfilledthemupagaininagreatrage，andsinkingbackintheirarm-chairs，puffedawaysofastandsofiercelythatthewholevalleywasimmediatelyfilledwithimpenetrablesmoke。
Meantimethecabbagesallturnedveryredintheface，anditseemedasifoldNickhimselfhadtakenpossessionofeverythingintheshapeofatimepiece。Theclockscarveduponthefurnituretooktodancingasifbewitched，whilethoseuponthemantel-piecescouldscarcelycontainthemselvesforfury，andkeptsuchacontinualstrikingofthirteen，andsuchafriskingandwrigglingoftheirpendulumsaswasreallyhorribletosee。But，worsethanall，neitherthecatsnorthepigscouldputupanylongerwiththebehaviorofthelittlerepeaterstiedtotheirtails，andresenteditbyscamperingallovertheplace，scratchingandpoking，andsqueakingandscreeching，andcaterwaulingandsqualling，andflyingintothefaces，andrunningunderthepetticoatsofthepeople，andcreatingaltogetherthemostabominabledinandconfusionwhichitispossibleforareasonablepersontoconceive。Andtomakemattersstillmoredistressing，therascallylittlescape-graceinthesteeplewasevidentlyexertinghimselftotheutmost。Everynowandthenonemightcatchaglimpseofthescoundrelthroughthesmoke。Therehesatinthebelfryuponthebelfry-man，whowaslyingflatuponhisback。Inhisteeththevillainheldthebell-rope，whichhekeptjerkingaboutwithhishead，raisingsuchaclatterthatmyearsringagaineventothinkofit。Onhislaplaythebigfiddle，atwhichhewasscraping，outofalltimeandtune，withbothhands，makingagreatshow，thenincompoop！ofplaying“JudyO’FlannaganandPaddyO’Rafferty。”
Affairsbeingthusmiserablysituated，Ilefttheplaceindisgust，andnowappealforaidtoallloversofcorrecttimeandfinekraut。
Letusproceedinabodytotheborough，andrestoretheancientorderofthingsinVondervotteimittissbyejectingthatlittlefellowfromthesteeple。
allpeoplewentUpontheirtentoesinwildwonderment。
BishopHall’sSatires_。
IAM-thatistosayIwas-agreatman；butIamneithertheauthorofJuniusnorthemaninthemask；formyname，Ibelieve，isRobertJones，andIwasbornsomewhereinthecityofFum-Fudge。
Thefirstactionofmylifewasthetakingholdofmynosewithbothhands。Mymothersawthisandcalledmeagenius：myfatherweptforjoyandpresentedmewithatreatiseonNosology。ThisImasteredbeforeIwasbreeched。
Inowbegantofeelmywayinthescience，andsooncametounderstandthat，providedamanhadanosesufficientlyconspicuoushemight，bymerelyfollowingit，arriveataLionship。Butmyattentionwasnotconfinedtotheoriesalone。EverymorningIgavemyproboscisacoupleofpullsandswallowedahalfdozenofdrams。
WhenIcameofagemyfatheraskedme，oneday，IfIwouldstepwithhimintohisstudy。
“Myson。”saidhe，whenwewereseated，“whatisthechiefendofyourexistence？”
“Myfather。”Ianswered，“itisthestudyofNosology。”
“Andwhat，Robert。”heinquired，“isNosology？”
“Sir。”Isaid，“itistheScienceofNoses。”
“Andcanyoutellme。”hedemanded，“whatisthemeaningofanose？”
“Anose，myfather；“Ireplied，greatlysoftened，“hasbeenvariouslydefinedbyaboutathousanddifferentauthors。”[HereI
pulledoutmywatch。]“Itisnownoonorthereabouts-weshallhavetimeenoughtogetthroughwiththemallbeforemidnight。Tocommencethen：-Thenose，accordingtoBartholinus，isthatprotuberance
thatbump-thatexcrescence-that-“
“Willdo，Robert。”interruptedthegoodoldgentleman。“Iamthunderstruckattheextentofyourinformation-Iampositively
uponmysoul。”[Hereheclosedhiseyesandplacedhishanduponhisheart。]“Comehere！”[Herehetookmebythearm。]“Youreducationmaynowbeconsideredasfinished-itishightimeyoushouldscuffleforyourself-andyoucannotdoabetterthingthanmerelyfollowyournoseso-so-so-“[Herehekickedmedownstairsandoutofthedoor]-“sogetoutofmyhouse，andGodblessyou！”
AsIfeltwithinmethedivineafflatus，Iconsideredthisaccidentratherfortunatethanotherwise。Iresolvedtobeguidedbythepaternaladvice。Ideterminedtofollowmynose。Igaveitapullortwouponthespot，andwroteapamphletonNosologyforthwith。
AllFum-Fudgewasinanuproar。
“Wonderfulgenius！”saidtheQuarterly。
“Superbphysiologist！”saidtheWestminster。
“Cleverfellow！”saidtheForeign。
“Finewriter！”saidtheEdinburgh。
“Profoundthinker！”saidtheDublin。
“Greatman！”saidBentley。
“Divinesoul！”saidFraser。
“Oneofus！”saidBlackwood。
“Whocanhebe？”saidMrs。Bas-Bleu。
“Whatcanhebe？”saidbigMissBas-Bleu。
“Wherecanhebe？”saidlittleMissBas-Bleu-ButIpaidthesepeoplenoattentionwhatever-Ijuststeppedintotheshopofanartist。
TheDuchessofBless-my-Soulwassittingforherportrait；theMarquisofSo-and-SowasholdingtheDuchess’poodle；theEarlofThis-and-Thatwasflirtingwithhersalts；andhisRoyalHighnessofTouch-me-Notwasleaninguponthebackofherchair。
Iapproachedtheartistandturnedupmynose。
“Oh，beautiful！”sighedherGrace。
“Ohmy！”lispedtheMarquis。
“Oh，shocking！”groanedtheEarl。
“Oh，abominable！”growledhisRoyalHighness。
“Whatwillyoutakeforit？”askedtheartist。
“Forhisnose！”shoutedherGrace。
“Athousandpounds。”saidI，sittingdown。
“Athousandpounds？”inquiredtheartist，musingly。
“Athousandpounds。”saidI。
“Beautiful！”saidhe，entranced。
“Athousandpounds。”saidI。
“Doyouwarrantit？”heasked，turningthenosetothelight。
“Ido。”saidI，blowingitwell。
“Isitquiteoriginal？”heinquired；touchingitwithreverence。
“Humph！”saidI，twistingittooneside。
“Hasnocopybeentaken？”hedemanded，surveyingitthroughamicroscope。
“None。”saidI，turningitup。
“Admirable！”heejaculated，thrownquiteoffhisguardbythebeautyofthemanoeuvre。
“Athousandpounds。”saidI。
“Athousandpounds？”saidhe。
“Precisely。”saidI。
“Athousandpounds？”saidhe。
“Justso。”saidI。
“Youshallhavethem。”saidhe。“Whatapieceofvirtu！”Sohedrewmeacheckuponthespot，andtookasketchofmynose。IengagedroomsinJermynstreet，andsentherMajestytheninety-nintheditionofthe“Nosology。”withaportraitoftheproboscis-Thatsadlittlerake，thePrinceofWales，invitedmetodinner。
Wewerealllionsandrecherch閟。
TherewasamodernPlatonist。HequotedPorphyry，Iamblicus，Plotinus，Proclus，Hierocles，MaximusTyrius，andSyrianus。
Therewasahuman-perfectibilityman。HequotedTurgot，Price，Priestly，Condorcet，DeStael，andthe“AmbitiousStudentinIllHealth。”
TherewasSirPositiveParadox。Heobservedthatallfoolswerephilosophers，andthatallphilosopherswerefools。
Therewas苨theticusEthix。Hespokeoffire，unity，andatoms；
bi-partandpre-existentsoul；affinityanddiscord；primitiveintelligenceandhom鰋meria。
TherewasTheologosTheology。HetalkedofEusebiusandArianus；
heresyandtheCouncilofNice；Puseyismandconsubstantialism；
HomousiosandHomouioisios。
TherewasFricass閑fromtheRocherdeCancale。HementionedMuritonofredtongue；cauliflowerswithvelout？sauce；veal？laSt。
Menehoult；marinade？laSt。Florentin；andorangejelliesenmos鋓ques。
TherewasBibulusO’Bumper。HetoucheduponLatourandMarkbr黱nen；
uponMousseuxandChambertin；uponRichbourgandSt。George；uponHaubrion，Leonville，andMedoc；uponBaracandPreignac；uponGr鈜e，uponSauterne，uponLafitte，anduponSt。Peray。HeshookhisheadatClosdeVougeot，andtold，withhiseyesshut，thedifferencebetweenSherryandAmontillado。
TherewasSignorTintontintinofromFlorence。HediscoursedofCimabu？Arpino，Carpaccio，andArgostino-ofthegloomofCaravaggio，oftheamenityofAlbano，ofthecolorsofTitian，ofthefrowsofRubens，andofthewaggeriesofJanSteen。
TherewasthePresidentoftheFum-FudgeUniversity。HewasofopinionthatthemoonwascalledBendisinThrace，BubastisinEgypt，DianinRome，andArtemisinGreece。TherewasaGrandTurkfromStamboul。Hecouldnothelpthinkingthattheangelswerehorses，cocks，andbulls；thatsomebodyinthesixthheavenhadseventythousandheads；andthattheearthwassupportedbyasky-bluecowwithanincalculablenumberofgreenhorns。
TherewasDelphinusPolyglott。Hetolduswhathadbecomeoftheeighty-threelosttragediesof苨chylus；ofthefifty-fourorationsofIs鎢s；ofthethreehundredandninety-onespeechesofLysias；ofthehundredandeightytreatisesofTheophrastus；oftheeighthbookoftheconicsectionsofApollonius；ofPindar’shymnsanddithyrambics；andofthefiveandfortytragediesofHomerJunior。
TherewasFerdinandFitz-FossillusFeltspar。Heinformedusallaboutinternalfiresandtertiaryformations；about鋏riforms，fluidiforms，andsolidiforms；aboutquartzandmarl；aboutschistandschorl；
aboutgypsumandtrap；abouttalcandcalc；aboutblendeandhorn-blende；aboutmica-slateandpudding-stone；aboutcyaniteandlepidolite；abouthematiteandtremolite；aboutantimonyandcalcedony；aboutmanganeseandwhateveryouplease。
Therewasmyself。Ispokeofmyself；-ofmyself，ofmyself，ofmyself；-ofNosology，ofmypamphlet，andofmyself。Iturnedupmynose，andIspokeofmyself。
“Marvellouscleverman！”saidthePrince。
“Superb！”saidhisguests：-andnextmorningherGraceofBless-my-Soulpaidmeavisit。