第54章
加入书架 A- A+
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  Monstrousassuchafaithmayseeminonewhowasqualifyinghimselfforahighmissionbyatermofimprisonment,hecouldnomorehelpitthanhecouldhelpbreathing;itwasinnateinhim,anditwasevenmorewithaviewtothisthanforotherreasonsthathewishedtosevertheconnectionbetweenhimselfandhisparents;forheknewthatifeverthedaycameinwhichitshouldappearthatbeforehimtootherewasaracesetinwhichitmightbeanhonourtohaverunamongtheforemost,hisfatherandmotherwouldbethefirsttolethimandhinderhiminrunningit。Theyhadbeenthefirsttosaythatheoughttorunsucharace;theywouldalsobethefirsttotriphimupifhetookthemattheirword,andthenafterwardsupbraidhimfornothavingwon。Achievementofanykindwouldbeimpossibleforhimunlesshewasfreefromthosewhowouldbeforeverdragginghimbackintotheconventional。Theconventionalhadbeentriedalreadyandhadbeenfoundwanting。

  Hehadanopportunitynow,ifhechosetotakeit,ofescapingonceforallfromthosewhoatoncetormentedhimandwouldholdhimearthwardshouldachanceofsoaringopenbeforehim。Heshouldneverhavehaditbutforhisimprisonment;butforthistheforceofhabitandroutinewouldhavebeentoostrongforhim;heshouldhardlyhavehaditifhehadnotlostallhismoney;thegapwouldnothavebeensowidebutthathemighthavebeeninclinedtothrowaplankacrossit。Herejoicednow,therefore,overhislossofmoneyaswellasoverhisimprisonment,whichhadmadeitmoreeasyforhimtofollowhistruestandmostlastinginterests。

  Attimeshewavered,whenhethoughtofhowhismother,whoinherway,ashethought,hadlovedhim,wouldweepandthinksadlyoverhim,orhowperhapsshemightevenfallillanddie,andhowtheblamewouldrestwithhim。Atthesetimeshisresolutionwasnearbreaking,butwhenhefoundIapplaudedhisdesign,thevoicewithin,whichbadehimseehisfather’sandmother’sfacesnomore,grewlouderandmorepersistent。Ifhecouldnotcuthimselfadriftfromthosewhoheknewwouldhamperhim,whensosmallaneffortwaswanted,hisdreamofadestinywasidle;whatwastheprospectofahundredpoundsfromhisfatherincomparisonwithjeopardytothis?

  Hestillfeltdeeplythepainhisdisgracehadinflicteduponhisfatherandmother,buthewasgettingstronger,andreflectedthatashehadrunhischancewiththemforparents,sotheymustruntheirswithhimforason。

  Hehadnearlysettleddowntothisconclusionwhenhereceivedaletterfromhisfatherwhichmadehisdecisionfinal。Iftheprisonruleshadbeeninterpretedstrictly,hewouldnothavebeenallowedtohavethisletterforanotherthreemonths,ashehadalreadyheardfromme,butthegovernortookalenientview,andconsideredtheletterfrommetobeabusinesscommunicationhardlycomingunderthecategoryofaletterfromfriends。Theobald’sletterthereforewasgiventohisson。Itranasfollows:-

  “MydearErnest,Myobjectinwritingisnottoupbraidyouwiththedisgraceandshameyouhaveinflicteduponyourmotherandmyself,tosaynothingofyourbrotherJoey,andyoursister。Sufferofcoursewemust,butweknowtowhomtolookinouraffliction,andarefilledwithanxietyratheronyourbehalfthanourown。Yourmotheriswonderful。Sheisprettywellinhealth,anddesiresmetosendyouherlove。

  “Haveyouconsideredyourprospectsonleavingprison?IunderstandfromMrOvertonthatyouhavelostthelegacywhichyourgrandfatherleftyou,togetherwithalltheinterestthataccruedduringyourminority,inthecourseofspeculationupontheStockExchange!Ifyouhaveindeedbeenguiltyofsuchappallingfollyitisdifficulttoseewhatyoucanturnyourhandto,andIsupposeyouwilltrytofindaclerkshipinanoffice。Yoursalarywilldoubtlessbelowatfirst,butyouhavemadeyourbedandmustnotcomplainifyouhavetolieuponit。Ifyoutakepainstopleaseyouremployerstheywillnotbebackwardinpromotingyou。

  “WhenIfirstheardfromMrOvertonoftheunspeakablecalamitywhichhadbefallenyourmotherandmyself,Ihadresolvednottoseeyouagain。Iamunwilling,however,tohaverecoursetoameasurewhichwoulddepriveyouofyourlastconnectinglinkwithrespectablepeople。YourmotherandIwillseeyouassoonasyoucomeoutofprison;notatBattersby——wedonotwishyoutocomedownhereatpresent——butsomewhereelse,probablyinLondon。Youneednotshrinkfromseeingus;weshallnotreproachyou。Wewillthendecideaboutyourfuture。

  “AtpresentourimpressionisthatyouwillfindafairerstartprobablyinAustraliaorNewZealandthanhere,andIampreparedtofindyou75poundsorevenifnecessarysofaras100poundstopayyourpassagemoney。Onceinthecolonyyoumustbedependentuponyourownexertions。

  “MayHeavenprosperthemandyou,andrestoreyoutousyearshencearespectedmemberofsociety——Youraffectionatefather,T。

  PONTIFEX。”

  ThentherewasapostscriptinChristina’swriting。

  “Mydarling,darlingboy,praywithmedailyandhourlythatwemayyetagainbecomeahappy,united,God-fearingfamilyaswewerebeforethishorriblepainfelluponus——Yoursorrowingbuteverlovingmother,“C。P。”

  ThisletterdidnotproducetheeffectonErnestthatitwouldhavedonebeforehisimprisonmentbegan。Hisfatherandmotherthoughttheycouldtakehimupastheyhadlefthimoff。Theyforgottherapiditywithwhichdevelopmentfollowsmisfortune,ifthesuffererisyoungandofasoundtemperament。Ernestmadenoreplytohisfather’sletter,buthisdesireforatotalbreakdevelopedintosomethinglikeapassion。“Thereareorphanages。”heexclaimedtohimself,“forchildrenwhohavelosttheirparents——oh!why,why,why,aretherenoharboursofrefugeforgrownmenwhohavenotyetlostthem?”AndhebroodedovertheblissofMelchisedekwhohadbeenbornanorphan,withoutfather,withoutmother,andwithoutdescent。

  WhenIthinkoverallthatErnesttoldmeabouthisprisonmeditations,andtheconclusionshewasdrawnto,itoccurstomethatinrealityhewaswantingtodotheverylastthingwhichitwouldhaveenteredintohisheadtothinkofwanting。ImeanthathewastryingtogiveupfatherandmotherforChrist’ssake。Hewouldhavesaidhewasgivingthemupbecausehethoughttheyhinderedhiminthepursuitofhistruestandmostlastinghappiness。Granted,butwhatisthisifitisnotChrist?WhatisChristifHeisnotthis?Hewhotakesthehighestandmostself-

  respectingviewofhisownwelfarewhichitisinhispowertoconceive,andadherestoitinspiteofconventionality,isaChristianwhetherheknowsitandcallshimselfone,orwhetherhedoesnot。Aroseisnotthelessarosebecauseitdoesnotknowitsownname。

  Whatifcircumstanceshadmadehisdutymoreeasyforhimthanitwouldbetomostmen?Thatwashisluck,asmuchasitisotherpeople’slucktohaveotherdutiesmadeeasyforthembyaccidentofbirth。Surelyifpeoplearebornrichorhandsometheyhavearighttotheirgoodfortune。SomeIknow,willsaythatonemanhasnorighttobebornwithabetterconstitutionthananother;othersagainwillsaythatluckistheonlyrighteousobjectofhumanveneration。Both,Idaresay,canmakeoutaverygoodcase,butwhichevermayberightsurelyErnesthadasmuchrighttothegoodluckoffindingadutymadeeasierashehadhadtothebadfortuneoffallingintothescrapewhichhadgothimintoprison。Amanisnottobesneeredatforhavingatrumpcardinhishand;heisonlytobesneeredatifheplayshistrumpcardbadly。

  Indeed,IquestionwhetheritisevermuchharderforanyonetogiveupfatherandmotherforChrist’ssakethanitwasforErnest。Therelationsbetweenthepartieswillhavealmostalwaysbeenseverelystrainedbeforeitcomestothis。Idoubtwhetheranyonewaseveryetrequiredtogiveupthosetowhomhewastenderlyattachedforamerematterofconscience:hewillhaveceasedtobetenderlyattachedtothemlongbeforeheiscalledupontobreakwiththem;

  fordifferencesofopinionconcerninganymatterofvitalimportancespringfromdifferencesofconstitution,andthesewillalreadyhaveledtosomuchotherdisagreementthatthe“givingup“whenitcomes,islikegivingupanachingbutverylooseandhollowtooth。

  ItisthelossofthosewhomwearenotrequiredtogiveupforChrist’ssakewhichisreallypainfultous。Thenthereisawrenchinearnest。Happily,nomatterhowlightthetaskthatisdemandedfromus,itisenoughifwedoit;wereapourreward,muchasthoughitwereaHerculeanlabour。

  Buttoreturn,theconclusionErnestcametowasthathewouldbeatailor。Hetalkedthematteroverwiththechaplain,whotoldhimtherewasnoreasonwhyheshouldnotbeabletoearnhissixorsevenshillingsadaybythetimehecameoutofprison,ifhechosetolearnthetradeduringtheremainderofhisterm——notquitethreemonths;thedoctorsaidhewasstrongenoughforthis,andthatitwasabouttheonlythinghewasasyetfitfor;sohelefttheinfirmarysoonerthanhewouldotherwisehavedoneandenteredthetailor’sshop,overjoyedatthethoughtsofseeinghiswayagain,andconfidentofrisingsomedayifhecouldonlygetafirmfootholdtostartfrom。

  Everyonewhomhehadtodowithsawthathedidnotbelongtowhatarecalledthecriminalclasses,andfindinghimeagertolearnandtosavetroublealwaystreatedhimkindlyandalmostrespectfully。

  Hedidnotfindtheworkirksome:itwasfarmorepleasantthanmakingLatinandGreekversesatRoughborough;hefeltthathewouldratherbehereinprisonthanatRoughboroughagain——yes,orevenatCambridgeitself。Theonlytroublehewaseverindangerofgettingintowasthroughexchangingwordsorlookswiththemoredecent-

  lookingofhisfellow-prisoners。Thiswasforbidden,buthenevermissedachanceofbreakingtherulesinthisrespect。

  Anymanofhisabilitywhowasatthesametimeanxioustolearnwouldofcoursemakerapidprogress,andbeforeheleftprisonthewardersaidhewasasgoodatailorwithhisthreemonths’

  apprenticeshipasmanyamanwaswithtwelve。Ernesthadneverbeforebeensomuchpraisedbyanyofhisteachers。Eachdayashegrewstrongerinhealthandmoreaccustomedtohissurroundingshesawsomefreshadvantageinhisposition,anadvantagewhichhehadnotaimedat,butwhichhadcomealmostinspiteofhimself,andhemarvelledathisowngoodfortune,whichhadorderedthingssogreatlybetterforhimthanhecouldhaveorderedthemforhimself。

  HishavinglivedsixmonthsinAshpitPlacewasacaseinpoint。

  Thingswerepossibletohimwhichtootherslikehimwouldbeimpossible。IfsuchamanasTowneleyweretoldhemustlivehenceforthinahouselikethoseinAshpitPlaceitwouldbemorethanhecouldstand。Ernestcouldnothavestoodithimselfifhehadgonetolivethereofcompulsionthroughwantofmoney。Itwasonlybecausehehadfelthimselfabletorunawayatanyminutethathehadnotwantedtodoso;now,however,thathehadbecomefamiliarwithlifeinAshpitPlacehenolongermindedit,andcouldlivegladlyinlowerpartsofLondonthanthatsolongashecouldpayhisway。Itwasfromnoprudenceorforethoughtthathehadservedthisapprenticeshiptolifeamongthepoor。Hehadbeentryinginafeeblewaytobethoroughinhiswork:hehadnotbeenthorough,thewholethinghadbeenafiasco;buthehadmadealittlepunyeffortinthedirectionofbeinggenuine,andbehold,inhishourofneedithadbeenreturnedtohimwitharewardfarricherthanhehaddeserved。HecouldnothavefacedbecomingoneoftheverypoorunlesshehadhadsuchabridgetoconducthimovertothemashehadfoundunwittinglyinAshpitPlace。True,therehadbeendrawbacksintheparticularhousehehadchosen,butheneednotliveinahousewheretherewasaMrHoltandheshouldnolongerbetiedtotheprofessionwhichhesomuchhated;iftherewereneitherscreamsnorscripturereadingshecouldbehappyinagarretatthreeshillingsaweek,suchasMissMaitlandlivedin。

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