Mr。Allen，saidMr。Pickwick，whatisthematter，sir？
Nevermind，sir！repliedMr。Allen，withhaughtydefiance。
Whatisit？inquiredMr。Pickwick，lookingatBobSawyer。Isheunwell？
BeforeBobcouldreply，Mr。BenAllenseizedMr。Pickwickbythehand，andmurmured，insorrowfulaccents，Mysister，mydearsir。mysister。
Oh，isthatall！saidMr。Pickwick。Weshalleasilyarrangethatmatter，Ihope。Yoursisterissafeandwell，andIamhere，mydearsir，to——
Sorrytodoanythin’asmaycauseaninterruptiontosuchwerypleasantproceedin’s，asthekingsaidwenhedissolvedtheparliament，interposedMr。Weller，whohadbeenpeepingthroughtheglassdoor。butthere’sanotherexperimenthere，sir。Here’sawenerableoldladyalyin’onthecarpetwaitin’fordissection，orgalwinism，orsomeotherrewivin’andscientificinwention。
Iforgot，exclaimedMr。BenAllen。Itismyaunt。
Dearme！saidMr。Pickwick。Poorlady！Gently，Sam，gently。
Strangesitivationforoneo’thefamily，observedSamWeller，hoistingtheauntintoachair。Now，depittySawbones，bringoutthewollatilly！
Thelatterobservationwasaddressedtotheboyingrey，who，havinghandedovertheflytothecareofthestreet-keeper，hadcomebacktoseewhatallthenoisewasabout。Betweentheboyingrey，andMr。BobSawyer，andMr。BenjaminAllenwhohavingfrightenedhisauntintoafaintingfit，wasaffectionatelysolicitousforherrecoverytheoldladywas，atlength，restoredtoconsciousness。thenMr。BenAllen，turningwithapuzzledcountenancetoMr。Pickwick，askedhimwhathewasabouttosay，whenhehadbeensoalarminglyinterrupted。
Weareallfriendshere，Ipresume？saidMr。Pickwick，clearinghisvoice，andlookingtowardsthemanoffewwordswiththesurlycountenance，whodrovetheflywiththechubbyhorse。
ThisremindedMr。BobSawyerthattheboyingreywaslookingon，witheyeswideopen，andgreedyears。Theincipientchemisthavingbeenliftedupbyhiscoatcollar，anddroppedoutsidethedoor，BobSawyerassuredMr。Pickwickthathemightspeakwithoutreserve。
Yoursister，mydearsir，saidMr。Pickwick，turningtoBenjaminAllen，isinLondon。wellandhappy。
Herhappinessisnoobjecttome，sir，saidMr。BenjaminAllen，withaflourishofthehand。
Herhusbandisanobjecttome，sir，saidBobSawyer。
Heshallbeanobjecttome，sir，attwelvepaces，andaveryprettyobjectI’llmakeofhim，sir——amean-spiritedscoundrel！This，asitstood，wasaveryprettydenunciation，andmagnanimouswithal。butMr。BobSawyerratherweakeneditseffect，bywindingupwithsomegeneralobservationsconcerningthepunchingofheadsandknockingoutofeyes，whichwerecommonplacebycomparison。
Stay，sir，saidMr。Pickwick。beforeyouapplythoseepithetstothegentlemaninquestion，consider，dispassionately，theextentofhisfault，andaboveallrememberthatheisafriendofmine。
What！saidMr。BobSawyer。
Hisname！criedBenAllen。Hisname！
Mr。NathanielWinkle，saidMr。Pickwick。
Mr。BenjaminAllendeliberatelycrushedhisspectaclesbeneaththeheelofhisboot，andhavingpickedupthepieces，andputthemintothreeseparatepockets，foldedhisarms，bithislips，andlookedinathreateningmannerattheblandfeaturesofMr。Pickwick。
Thenit’syou，isit，sir，whohaveencouragedandbroughtaboutthismatch？inquiredMr。BenjaminAllenatlength。
Andit’sthisgentleman’sservant，Isuppose，interruptedtheoldlady，whohasbeenskulkingaboutmyhouse，andendeavouringtoentrapmyservantstoconspireagainsttheirmistress。Martin！
Well？saidthesurlyman，comingforward。
Isthattheyoungmanyousawinthelane，whomyoutoldmeabout，thismorning？
Mr。Martin，who，asithasalreadyappeared，wasamanoffewwords，lookedatSamWeller，noddedhishead，andgrowledforth，That’stheman！
Mr。Weller，whowasneverproud，gaveasmileoffriendlyrecognitionashiseyesencounteredthoseofthesurlygroom，andadmitted，incourteousterms，thathehadknowedhimafore。
Andthisisthefaithfulcreature，exclaimedMr。BenAllen，whomIhadnearlysuffocated！Mr。Pickwick，howdareyouallowyourfellowtobeemployedintheabductionofmysister？Idemandthatyouexplainthismatter，sir。
Explainit，sir！criedBobSawyer，fiercely。
It’saconspiracy，saidBenAllen。
Aregularplant，addedMr。BobSawyer。
Adisgracefulimposition，observedtheoldlady。
Nothingbutado，remarkedMartin。
Prayhearme，urgedMr。Pickwick，asMr。BenAllenfellintoachairthatpatientswerebledin，andgavewaytohispocket-handkerchief。I
haverenderednoassistanceinthismatter，beyondthatofbeingpresentatoneinterviewbetweentheyoungpeople，whichIcouldnotprevent，andfromwhichIconceivedmypresencewouldremoveanyslightcolouringofimproprietythatitmightotherwisehavehad。thisisthewholeshareI
havetakeninthetransaction，andIhadnosuspicionthatanimmediatemarriagewasevencontemplated。Though，mind，addedMr。Pickwick，hastilycheckinghimself，mind，IdonotsayIshouldhavepreventedit，ifIhadknownthatitwasintended。
Youhearthat，allofyou。youhearthat？saidMr。BenjaminAllen。
Ihopetheydo，mildlyobservedMr。Pickwick，lookinground，and，
addedthatgentleman：hiscolourmountingashespoke：Ihopetheyhearthis，sir，also。Thatfromwhathasbeenstatedtome，sir，Iassertthatyouwerebynomeansjustifiedinattemptingtoforceyoursister’sinclinationsasyoudid，andthatyoushouldratherhaveendeavouredbyyourkindnessandforbearancetohavesuppliedtheplaceofothernearerrelationswhomshehasneverknown，fromachild。Asregardsmyyoungfriend，Imustbegtoadd，thatineverypointofworldlyadvantage，heis，atleast，onanequalfootingwithyourself，ifnotonamuchbetterone，andthatunlessIhearthisquestiondiscussedwithbecomingtemperandmoderation，Ideclinehearinganymoresaiduponthesubject。
Iwishtomakeaweryfewremarksinadditiontowothasbeenputforardbythehonorablegen’l’m’nashasjistgiveover，saidMr。Weller，steppingforth，wichisthishere：aindiwidualincompanyhascalledmeafeller。
Thathasnothingwhatevertodowiththematter，Sam，interposedMr。
Pickwick。Prayholdyourtongue。
Iain’tagoin’tosaynothin’onthat’erepint，sir，repliedSam，butmerelythishere。P’rapsthatgen’l’m’nmaythinkastherewosapriory’tachment。butthereworn’tnothin’o’thesort，fortheyoungladysaid，inthewerybeginnin’o’thekeepin’company，thatshecouldn’tabidehim。
Nobody’scuthimout，andit’udha’beenjistthewerysameforhimiftheyoungladyhadneverseenMr。Vinkle。That’swotIwishedtosay，sir，andIhopeI’venowmadethat’eregen’l’m’n’smindeasy。
AshortpausefollowedtheseconsolatoryremarksofMr。Weller。ThenMr。BenAllenrisingfromhischair，protestedthathewouldneverseeArabella’sfaceagain：whileMr。BobSawyer，despiteSam’sflatteringassurance，voweddreadfulvengeanceonthehappybridegroom。
But，justwhenmatterswereattheirheight，andthreateningtoremainso，Mr。Pickwickfoundapowerfulassistantintheoldlady，who，evidentlymuchstruckbythemodeinwhichhehadadvocatedherniece’scause，venturedtoapproachMr。BenjaminAllenwithafewcomfortingreflections，ofwhichthechiefwere，thatafterall，perhaps，itwaswellitwasnoworse。theleastsaidthesoonestmended，anduponherwordshedidnotknowthatitwassoverybadafterall。whatwasovercouldn’tbebegun，andwhatcouldn’tbecuredmustbeendured：withvariousotherassurancesofthelikenovelandstrengtheningdescription。Toallofthese，Mr。BenjaminAllenrepliedthathemeantnodisrespecttohisaunt，oranybodythere，butifitwereallthesametothem，andtheywouldallowhimtohavehisownway，hewouldratherhavethepleasureofhatinghissistertilldeath，andafterit。
Atlength，whenthisdeterminationhadbeenannouncedhalfahundredtimes，theoldladysuddenlybridlingupandlookingverymajestic，wishedtoknowwhatshehaddonethatnorespectwastobepaidtoheryearsorstation，andthatsheshouldbeobligedtobegandpray，inthatway，ofherownnephew，whomsherememberedaboutfive-and-twentyyearsbeforehewasborn，andwhomshehadknown，personally，whenhehadn’tatoothinhishead？Tosaynothingofherpresenceonthefirstoccasionofhishavinghishaircut，andassistanceatnumerousothertimesandceremoniesduringhisbabyhood，ofsufficientimportancetofoundaclaimuponhisaffection，obedience，andsympathies，forever。
WhilethegoodladywasbestowingthisobjurgationonMr。BenAllen，BobSawyerandMr。Pickwickhadretiredincloseconversationtotheinnerroom，whereMr。Sawyerwasobservedtoapplyhimselfseveraltimestothemouthofablackbottle，undertheinfluenceofwhich，hisfeaturesgraduallyassumedacheerfulandevenjovialexpression。Andatlastheemergedfromtheroom，bottleinhand，and，remarkingthathewasverysorrytosayhehadbeenmakingafoolofhimself，beggedtoproposethehealthandhappinessofMr。andMrs。Winkle，whosefelicity，sofarfromenvying，hewouldbethefirsttocongratulatethemupon。Hearingthis，Mr。BenAllensuddenlyarosefromhischair，and，seizingtheblackbottle，drankthetoastsoheartily，that，theliquorbeingstrong，hebecamenearlyasblackinthefaceasthebottle。Finally，theblackbottlewentroundtillitwasempty，andtherewassomuchshakingofhandsandinterchangingofcompliments，thateventhemetal-visagedMr。Martincondescendedtosmile。
Andnow，saidBobSawyer，rubbinghishands，we’llhaveajollynight。
Iamsorry，saidMr。Pickwick，thatImustreturntomyinn。Ihavenotbeenaccustomedtofatiguelately，andmyjourneyhastiredmeexceedingly。
You’lltakesometea，Mr。Pickwick？saidtheoldlady，withirresistiblesweetness。
Thankyou，Iwouldrathernot，repliedthatgentleman。Thetruthis，thattheoldlady’sevidentlyincreasingadmiration，wasMr。Pickwick’sprincipalinducementforgoingaway。HethoughtofMrs。Bardell。andeveryglanceoftheoldlady’seyesthrewhimintoacoldperspiration。
AsMr。Pickwickcouldbynomeansbeprevailedupontostay，itwasarrangedatonce，onhisownproposition，thatMr。BenjaminAllenshouldaccompanyhimonhisjourneytotheelderMr。Winkle’s，andthatthecoachshouldbeatthedoor，atnineo’clocknextmorning。Hethentookhisleave，and，followedbySamuelWeller，repairedtotheBush。Itisworthyofremark，thatMr。Martin’sfacewashorriblyconvulsedasheshookhandswithSamatparting，andthathegaveventtoasmileandanoathsimultaneously：
fromwhichtokensithasbeeninferredbythosewhowerebestacquaintedwiththatgentleman’speculiarities，thatheexpressedhimselfmuchpleasedwithMr。Weller’ssociety，andrequestedthehonourofhisfurtheracquaintance。
ShallIorderaprivateroom，sir？inquiredSam，whentheyreachedtheBush。
Why，no，Sam，repliedMr。Pickwick。asIdinedinthecoffeeroom，andshallgotobedsoon，itishardlyworthwhile。Seewhothereisinthetravellers’room，Sam。
Mr。Wellerdepartedonhiserrand，andpresentlyreturnedtosay，thattherewasonlyagentlemanwithoneeye。andthatheandthelandlordweredrinkingabowlofbishoptogether。
Iwilljointhem，saidMr。Pickwick。
He’saqueercustomer，thevun-eyedvun，sir，observedMr。Weller，asheledtheway。He’sagammonin’that’erelandlord，heis，sir，tillhedon’trightlyknowwetherhe’sastandingonthesolesofhisbootsorthecrownofhishat。
Theindividualtowhomthisobservationreferred，wassittingattheupperendoftheroomwhenMr。Pickwickentered，andwassmokingalargeDutchpipe，withhiseyeintentlyfixedontheroundfaceofthelandlord：
ajolly-lookingoldpersonage，towhomhehadrecentlybeenrelatingsometaleofwonder，aswastestifiedbysundrydisjointedexclamationsof，Well，Iwouldn’thavebelievedit！ThestrangestthingIeverheard！Couldn’thavesupposeditpossible！andotherexpressionsofastonishmentwhichburstspontaneouslyfromhislips，ashereturnedthefixedgazeoftheone-eyedman。
Servant，sir，saidtheone-eyedmantoMr。Pickwick。Finenight，sir。
Verymuchsoindeed，repliedMr。Pickwick，asthewaiterplacedasmalldecanterofbrandy，andsomehotwaterbeforehim。
WhileMr。Pickwickwasmixinghisbrandyandwater，theone-eyedmanlookedroundathimearnestly，fromtimetotime，andatlengthsaid：
IthinkI’veseenyoubefore。
Idon’trecollectyou，rejoinedMr。Pickwick。
Idaresaynot，saidtheone-eyedman。Youdidn’tknowme，butIknewtwofriendsofyoursthatwerestoppingatthePeacockatEatanswill，atthetimeoftheElection。
Oh，indeed！exclaimedMr。Pickwick。
Yes，rejoinedtheone-eyedman。ImentionedalittlecircumstancetothemaboutafriendofmineofthenameofTomSmart。Perhapsyou’veheardthemspeakofit。
Often，rejoinedMr。Pickwick，smiling。Hewasyouruncle，Ithink？
No，no。onlyafriendofmyuncle’s，repliedtheone-eyedman。
Hewasawonderfulman，thatuncleofyours，though，remarkedthelandlord，shakinghishead。
Well，Ithinkhewas，IthinkImaysayhewas，answeredtheone-eyedman。Icouldtellyouastoryaboutthatsameuncle，gentlemen，thatwouldrathersurpriseyou。
Couldyou？saidMr。Pickwick。Letushearit，byallmeans。
Theone-eyedBagmanladledoutaglassofnegusfromthebowl，anddrankit。smokedalongwhiffoutoftheDutchpipe。andthen，callingtoSamWeller，whowaslingeringnearthedoor，thatheneedn’tgoawayunlesshewantedto，becausethestorywasnosecret，fixedhiseyeuponthelandlord’sandproceeded，inthewordsofthenextchapter。
[NextChapter][TableofContents]ThePickwickPapers：Chapter49[PreviousChapter][TableofContents]CHAPTERXLIXCONTAININGTHESTORYOFTHEBEGMAN’SUNCLE
MYuncle，gentlemen，saidthebagman，wasoneofthemerriest，pleasantest，cleverestfellowsthateverlived。Iwishyouhadknownhim，gentlemen。Onsecondthoughts，gentlemen，Idon’twishyouhadknownhim，forifyouhad，youwouldhavebeenall，bythistime，intheordinarycourseofnature，ifnotdead，atalleventssonearit，astohavetakentostoppingathomeandgivingupcompany：whichwouldhavedeprivedmeoftheinestimablepleasureofaddressingyouatthismoment。Gentlemen，Iwishyourfathersandmothershadknownmyuncle。
Theywouldhavebeenamazinglyfondofhim，especiallyyourrespectablemothers。Iknowtheywould。Ifanytwoofhisnumerousvirtuespredominatedoverthemanythatadornedhischaracter，Ishouldsaytheywerehismixedpunchandhisaftersuppersong。Excusemydwellingonthesemelancholyrecollectionsofdepartedworth。youwon’tseeamanlikemyuncleeverydayintheweek。
Ihavealwaysconsidereditagreatpointinmyuncle’scharacter，gentlemen，thathewastheintimatefriendandcompanionofTomSmart，ofthegreathouseofBilsonandSlum，CateatonStreet，City。MyunclecollectedforTigginandWelps，butforalongtimehewentprettynearthesamejourneyasTom。andtheveryfirstnighttheymet，myuncletookafancyforTom，andTomtookafancyformyuncle。Theymadeabetofanewhatbeforetheyhadknowneachotherhalfanhour，whoshouldbrewthebestquartofpunchanddrinkitthequickest。Myunclewasjudgedtohavewonthemaking，butTomSmartbeathiminthedrinkingbyabouthalfasalt-spoon-full。Theytookanotherquarta-piecetodrinkeachother’shealthin，andwerestaunchfriendseverafterwards。There’sadestinyinthesethings，gentlemen。wecan’thelpit。
Inpersonalappearance，myunclewasatrifleshorterthanthemiddlesize。hewasathoughtstoutertoo，thantheordinaryrunofpeople，andperhapshisfacemightbeashaderedder。Hehadthejolliestfaceyoueversaw，gentlemen：somethinglikePunch，withahandsomernoseandchin。
hiseyeswerealwaystwinklingandsparklingwithgoodhumour。andasmile——notoneofyourunmeaningwoodengrins，butareal，merry，hearty，good-temperedsmile——wasperpetuallyonhiscountenance。Hewaspitchedoutofhisgigonce，andknocked，headfirst，againstamile-stone。Therehelay，stunned，andsocutaboutthefacewithsomegravelwhichhadbeenheapedupalongsideit，that，tousemyuncle’sownstrongexpression，ifhismothercouldhaverevisitedtheearth，shewouldn’thaveknownhim。Indeed，whenIcometothinkofthematter，gentlemen，Ifeelprettysureshewouldn’t，forshediedwhenmyunclewastwoyearsandsevenmonthsold，andIthinkit’sverylikelythat，evenwithoutthegravel，histop-bootswouldhavepuzzledthegoodladynotalittle：tosaynothingofhisjollyredface。
However，therehelay，andIhaveheardmyunclesay，manyatime，thatthemansaidwhopickedhimupthathewassmilingasmerrilyasifhehadtumbledoutforatreat，andthataftertheyhadbledhim，thefirstfaintglimmeringsofreturninganimation，were，hisjumpingupinbed，burstingoutintoaloudlaugh，kissingtheyoungwomanwhoheldthebasin，anddemandingamuttonchopandapickledwalnut。Hewasveryfondofpickledwalnuts，gentlemen。Hesaidhealwaysfoundthat，takenwithoutvinegar，theyrelishedthebeer。
Myuncle’sgreatjourneywasinthefalloftheleaf，atwhichtimehecollecteddebts，andtookorders，inthenorth：goingfromLondontoEdinburgh，fromEdinburghtoGlasgow，fromGlasgowbacktoEdinburgh，andthencetoLondonbythesmack。YouaretounderstandthathissecondvisittoEdinburghwasforhisownpleasure。Heusedtogobackforaweek，justtolookuphisoldfriends。andwhatwithbreakfastingwiththisone，lunchingwiththat，diningwithathird，andsuppingwithanother，aprettytightweekheusedtomakeofit。Idon’tknowwhetheranyofyou，gentlemen，everpartookofarealsubstantialhospitableScotchbreakfast，andthenwentouttoaslightlunchofabushelofoysters，adozenorsoofbottledale，andanogginortwoofwhiskeytocloseupwith。Ifyoueverdid，youwillagreewithmethatitrequiresaprettystrongheadtogoouttodinnerandsupperafterwards。
But，blessyourheartsandeye-brows，allthissortofthingwasnothingtomyuncle！Hewassowellseasoned，thatitwasmerechild’splay。I
haveheardhimsaythathecouldseetheDundeepeopleout，anyday，andwalkhomeafterwardswithoutstaggering。andyettheDundeepeoplehaveasstrongheadsandasstrongpunch，gentlemen，asyouarelikelytomeetwith，betweenthepoles。IhaveheardofaGlasgowmanandaDundeemandrinkingagainsteachotherforfifteenhoursatasitting。Theywerebothsuffocated，asnearlyascouldbeascertained，atthesamemoment，butwiththistriflingexception，gentlemen，theywerenotabittheworseforit。
Onenight，withinfour-and-twentyhoursofthetimewhenhehadsettledtotakeshippingforLondon，myunclesuppedatthehouseofaveryoldfriendofhis，aBaillieMacsomethingandfoursyllablesafterit，wholivedintheoldtownofEdinburgh。Therewerethebaillie’swife，andthebaillie’sthreedaughters，andthebaillie’sgrown-upson，andthreeorfourstout，bushyeye-browed，cannyoldScotchfellows，thatthebailliehadgottogethertodohonourtomyuncle，andhelptomakemerry。Itwasaglorioussupper。TherewerekipperedSalmon，andFinnanhaddocks，andalamb’shead，andahaggis——acelebratedScotchdish，gentlemen，whichmyuncleusedtosayalwayslookedtohim，whenitcametotable，verymuchlikeacupid’sstomach——andagreatmanyotherthingsbesides，thatIforgotthenamesof，butverygoodthingsnotwithstanding。Thelassieswereprettyandagreeable。thebaillie’swifewasoneofthebestcreaturesthateverlived。andmyunclewasinthoroughlygoodcue。Theconsequenceofwhichwas，thattheyoungladiestitteredandgiggled，andtheoldladylaughedoutloud，andthebaillieandtheotheroldfellowsroaredtilltheywereredintheface，thewholemortaltime。Idon’tquiterecollecthowmanytumblersofwhiskeytoddyeachmandrankaftersupper。butthisIknow，thataboutoneo’clockinthemorning，thebaillie’sgrown-upsonbecameinsensiblewhileattemptingthefirstverseof`Williebrewedapecko’maut’。andhehavingbeen，forhalfanhourbefore，theonlyothermanvisibleabovethemahogany，itoccurredtomyunclethatitwasalmosttimetothinkaboutgoing：especiallyasdrinkinghadsetinatseveno’clock，inorderthathemightgethomeatadecenthour。But，thinkingitmightnotbequitepolitetogojustthen，myunclevotedhimselfintothechair，mixedanotherglass，rosetoproposehisownhealth，addressedhimselfinaneatandcomplimentaryspeech，anddrankthetoastwithgreatenthusiasm。
Stillnobodywoke。somyuncletookalittledropmore——neatthistime，topreventthetoddyfromdisagreeingwithhim——and，layingviolenthandsonhishat，salliedforthintothestreet。
Itwasawildgustynightwhenmyuncleclosedthebaillie’sdoor，andsettlinghishatfirmlyonhishead，topreventthewindfromtakingit，thrusthishandsintohispockets，andlookingupward，tookashortsurveyofthestateoftheweather。Thecloudsweredriftingoverthemoonattheirgiddiestspeed：atonetimewhollyobscuringher：atanother，sufferinghertoburstforthinfullsplendourandshedherlightonalltheobjectsaround：anon，drivingoverheragain，withincreasedvelocity，andshroudingeverythingindarkness。`Really，thiswon’tdo，’saidmyuncle，addressinghimselftotheweather，asifhefelthimselfpersonallyoffended。`Thisisnotatallthekindofthingformyvoyage。Itwillnotdo，atanyprice，’saidmyuncleveryimpressively。Havingrepeatedthis，severaltimes，herecoveredhisbalancewithsomedifficulty——forhewasrathergiddywithlookingupintotheskysolong——andwalkedmerrilyon。
Thebaillie’shousewasintheCanongate，andmyunclewasgoingtotheotherendofLeithWalk，ratherbetterthanamile’sjourney。Oneithersideofhim，thereshotupagainstthedarksky，tallgauntstragglinghouses，withtimestainedfronts，andwindowsthatseemedtohavesharedthelotofeyesinmortals，andtohavegrowndimandsunkenwithage。
Six，seven，eightstorieshigh，werethehouses。storypiledabovestory，aschildrenbuildwithcards——throwingtheirdarkshadowsovertheroughlypavedroad，andmakingthedarknightdarker。Afewoillampswerescatteredatlongdistances，buttheyonlyservedtomarkthedirtyentrancetosomenarrowclose，ortoshowwhereacommonstaircommunicated，bysteepandintricatewindings，withthevariousflatsabove。Glancingatallthesethingswiththeairofamanwhohadseenthemtoooftenbefore，tothinkthemworthyofmuchnoticenow，myunclewalkedupthemiddleofthestreet，withathumbineachwaistcoatpocket，indulgingfromtimetotimeinvarioussnatchesofsong，chauntedforthwithsuchgoodwillandspirit，thatthequiethonestfolkstartedfromtheirfirstsleepandlaytremblinginbedtillthesounddiedawayinthedistance。when，satisfyingthemselvesthatitwasonlysomedrunkenne’er-do-wellfindinghiswayhome，theycoveredthemselvesupwarmandfellasleepagain。
Iamparticularindescribinghowmyunclewalkedupthemiddleofthestreet，withhisthumbsinhiswaistcoatpockets，gentlemen，because，asheoftenusedtosayandwithgreatreasontoothereisnothingatallextraordinaryinthisstory，unlessyoudistinctlyunderstandatthebeginningthathewasnotbyanymeansofamarvellousorromanticturn。
Gentlemen，myunclewalkedonwithhisthumbsinhiswaistcoatpockets，takingthemiddleofthestreettohimself，andsinging，nowaverseofalovesong，andthenaverseofadrinkingone，andwhenhewastiredofboth，whistlingmelodiously，untilhereachedtheNorthBridge，which，atthispoint，connectstheoldandnewtownsofEdinburgh。Herehestoppedforaminute，tolookatthestrangeirregularclustersoflightspiledoneabovetheother，andtwinklingafaroffsohigh，thattheylookedlikestars，gleamingfromthecastlewallsontheonesideandtheCaltonHillontheother，asiftheyilluminatedveritablecastlesintheair。whiletheoldpicturesquetownsleptheavilyon，ingloomanddarknessbelow：
itspalaceandchapelofHolyrood，guardeddayandnight，asafriendofmyuncle’susedtosay，byoldArthur’sSeat，towering，surlyanddark，likesomegruffgeniusovertheancientcityhehaswatchedsolong。I
say，gentlemen，myunclestoppedhere，foraminute，tolookabouthim。
andthen，payingacomplimenttotheweatherwhichhadalittleclearedup，thoughthemoonwassinking，walkedonagain，asroyallyasbefore。
keepingthemiddleoftheroadwithgreatdignity，andlookingasifhewouldverymuchliketomeetwithsomebodywhowoulddisputepossessionofitwithhim。Therewasnobodyatalldisposedtocontestthepoint，asithappened。andso，onhewent，withhisthumbsinhiswaistcoatpockets，likealamb。
WhenmyunclereachedtheendofLeithWalk，hehadtocrossaprettylargepieceofwastegroundwhichseparatedhimfromashortstreetwhichhehadtoturndown，togodirecttohislodging。Now，inthispieceofwasteground，therewas，atthattime，anenclosurebelongingtosomewheelwrightwhocontractedwiththePost-officeforthepurchaseofoldworn-outmailcoaches。andmyuncle，beingveryfondofcoaches，old，young，ormiddle-aged，allatoncetookitintohisheadtostepoutofhisroadfornootherpurposethantopeepbetweenthepalingsatthesemails——aboutadozenofwhich，herememberedtohaveseen，crowdedtogetherinaveryforlornanddismantledstate，inside。Myunclewasaveryenthusiastic，emphaticsortofperson，gentlemen。so，findingthathecouldnotobtainagoodpeepbetweenthepalings，hegotoverthem，andsittinghimselfquietlydownonanoldaxletree，begantocontemplatethemailcoacheswithadealofgravity。
Theremightbeadozenofthem，ortheremightbemore——myunclewasneverquitecertainonthispoint，andbeingamanofveryscrupulousveracityaboutnumbers，didn’tliketosay——buttheretheystood，allhuddledtogetherinthemostdesolateconditionimaginable。Thedoorshadbeentornfromtheirhingesandremoved。theliningshadbeenstrippedoff：onlyashredhanginghereandtherebyarustynail。thelampsweregone，thepoleshadlongsincevanished，theiron-workwasrusty，thepaintwaswornaway。
thewindwhistledthroughthechinksinthebarewoodwork。andtherain，whichhadcollectedontheroofs，fell，dropbydrop，intotheinsideswithahollowandmelancholysound。Theywerethedecayingskeletonsofdepartedmails，andinthatlonelyplace，atthattimeofnight，theylookedchillanddismal。
Myunclerestedhisheaduponhishands，andthoughtofthebusybustlingpeoplewhohadrattledabout，yearsbefore，intheoldcoaches，andwerenowassilentandchanged。hethoughtofthenumbersofpeopletowhomoneofthosecrazymoulderingvehicleshadborne，nightafternight，formanyyears，andthroughallweathers，theanxiouslyexpectedintelligence，theeagerlylook-forremittance，thepromisedassuranceofhealthandsafety，thesuddenannouncementofsicknessanddeath。Themerchant，thelover，thewife，thewidow，themother，theschoolboy，theverychildwhototteredtothedooratthepostman’sknock——howhadtheyalllookedforwardtothearrivaloftheoldcoach。Andwhereweretheyallnow！
Gentlemen，myuncleusedtosaythathethoughtallthisatthetime，butIrathersuspecthelearntitoutofsomebookafterwards，forhedistinctlystatedthathefellintoakindofdoze，ashesatontheoldaxletreelookingatthedecayedmailcoaches，andthathewassuddenlyawakenedbysomedeepchurch-bellstrikingtwo。Now，myunclewasneverafastthinker，andifhehadthoughtallthesethings，Iamquitecertainitwouldhavetakenhimtillfullhalf-pasttwoo’clock，attheveryleast。
Iam，therefore，decidedlyofopinion，gentlemen，thatmyunclefellintothekindofdoze，withouthavingthoughtaboutanythingatall。
Bethisasitmay，achurchbellstrucktwo。Myunclewoke，rubbedhiseyes，andjumpedupinastonishment。
Inoneinstantaftertheclockstrucktwo，thewholeofthisdesertedandquietspothadbecomeasceneofmostextraordinarylifeandanimation。
Themailcoachdoorswereontheirhinges，theliningwasreplaced，theiron-workwasasgoodasnew，thepaintwasrestored，thelampswerealight，cushionsandgreatcoatswereoneverycoachbox，porterswerethrustingparcelsintoeveryboot，guardswerestowingawayletterbags，hostlersweredashingpailsofwateragainsttherenovatedwheels。numbersofmenwererushingabout，fixingpolesintoeverycoach。passengersarrived，portmanteauswerehandedup，horseswereputto。inshort，itwasperfectlyclearthateverymailtherewastobeoffdirectly。Gentlemen，myuncleopenedhiseyessowideatallthis，that，totheverylastmomentofhislife，heusedtowonderhowitfelloutthathehadeverbeenabletoshut’emagain：
`Nowthen！’saidavoice，asmyunclefeltahandonhisshoulder，You’rebookedforoneinside。You’dbettergetin。’
`Ibooked！’saidmyuncle，turninground。
`Yes，certainly。’
Myuncle，gentlemen，couldsaynothing。hewassoverymuchastonishedThequeerestthingofall，was，thatalthoughtherewassuchacrowdofpersons，andalthoughfreshfaceswerepouringin，everymoment，therewasnotellingwheretheycamefrom。Theyseemedtostartup，insomestrangemanner，fromtheground，ortheair，anddisappearinthesameway。Whenaporterhadputhisluggageinthecoach，andreceivedhisfare，heturnedroundandwasgone。andbeforemyunclehadwellbeguntowonderwhathadbecomeofhim，half-a-dozenfreshonesstartedup，andstaggeredalongundertheweightofparcelswhichseemedbigenoughtocrushthem。Thepassengerswerealldressedsooddlytoo！Large，broad-skirtedlacedcoatswithgreatcuffsandnocollars。andwigs，gentlemen，——greatformalwigswithatiebehind。Myunclecouldmakenothingofit。
`Now，areyougoingtogetin？’saidthepersonwhohadaddressedmyunclebefore。Hewasdressedasamailguard，withawigonhisheadandmostenormouscuffstohiscoat，andhadalanterninonehand，andahugeblunderbussintheother，whichhewasgoingtostowawayinhislittlearm-chest。`Areyougoingtogetin，JackMartin？’saidtheguard，holdingthelanterntomyuncle’sface。
`Hallo！’saidmyuncle，fallingbackasteportwo。`That’sfamiliar！’
`It’ssoontheway-bill，’repliedtheguard。
`Isn’tthereaMisterbeforeit？’saidmyuncle。Forhefelt，gentlemen，thatforaguardhedidn’tknow，tocallhimJackMartin，wasalibertywhichthePost-officewouldn’thavesanctionediftheyhadknownit。
`No，thereisnot，’rejoinedtheguardcoolly。
`Isthefarepaid？’inquiredmyuncle。
`Ofcourseitis，’rejoinedtheguard。
`Itis，isit？’saidmyuncle。`Thenheregoes！Whichcoach？’
`This，’saidtheguard，pointingtoanold-fashionedEdinburghandLondonMail，whichhadthestepsdown，andthedooropen。`Stop！Herearetheotherpassengers。Letthemgetinfirst。’
Astheguardspoke，thereallatonceappeared，rightinfrontofmyuncle，ayounggentlemaninapowderedwig，andasky-bluecoattrimmedwithsilver，madeveryfullandbroadintheskirts，whichwerelinedwithbuckram。TigginandWelpswereintheprintedcalicoandwaistcoatpieceline，gentlemen，somyuncleknewallthematerialsatonce。Heworekneebreeches，andakindofleggingsrolledupoverhissilkstockings，andshoeswithbuckles。hehadrufflesathiswrists，athree-corneredhatonhishead，andalongtaperswordbyhisside。Theflapsofhiswaistcoatcamehalfwaydownhisthighs，andtheendsofhiscravatreachedtohiswaist。Hestalkedgravelytothecoach-door，pulledoffhishat，andhelditabovehisheadatarm’slength：cockinghislittlefingerintheairatthesametime，assomeaffectedpeopledo，whentheytakeacupoftea。
Thenhedrewhisfeettogether，andmadealowgravebow，andthenputouthislefthand。Myunclewasjustgoingtostepforward，andshakeitheartily，whenheperceivedthattheseattentionsweredirected，nottowardshim，buttoayoungladywhojustthenappearedatthefootofthesteps，attiredinanold-fashionedgreenvelvetdresswithalongwaistandstomacher。
Shehadnobonnetonherhead，gentlemen，whichwasmuffledinablacksilkhood，butshelookedroundforaninstantasshepreparedtogetintothecoach，andsuchabeautifulfaceasshedisclosed，myunclehadneverseen——noteveninapicture。Shegotintothecoach，holdingupherdresswithonehand。and，asmyunclealwayssaidwitharoundoath，whenhetoldthestory，hewouldn’thavebelieveditpossiblethatlegsandfeetcouldhavebeenbroughttosuchastateofperfectionunlesshehadseenthemwithhisowneyes。
But，inthisoneglimpseofthebeautifulface，myunclesawthattheyoungladycastanimploringlookuponhim，andthatsheappearedterrifiedanddistressed。Henoticed，too，thattheyoungfellowinthepowderedwig，notwithstandinghisshowofgallantry，whichwasallveryfineandgrand，claspedhertightbythewristwhenshegotin，andfollowedhimselfimmediatelyafterwards。Anuncommonlyill-lookingfellow，inaclosebrownwigandaplum-colouredsuit，wearingaverylargesword，andbootsuptohiships，belongedtotheparty。andwhenhesathimselfdownnexttotheyounglady，whoshrunkintoacornerathisapproach，myunclewasconfirmedinhisoriginalimpressionthatsomethingdarkandmysteriouswasgoingforward，or，ashealwayssaidhimself，that`therewasascrewloosesomewhere。’It’squitesurprisinghowquicklyhemadeuphismindtohelptheladyatanyperil，ifsheneededhelp。
`Deathandlightning！’exclaimedtheyounggentleman，layinghishanduponhisswordasmyuncleenteredthecoach。
`Bloodandthunder！’roaredtheothergentleman。Withthis，hewhippedhisswordout，andmadealungeatmyunclewithoutfurtherceremony。Myunclehadnoweaponabouthim，butwithgreatdexterityhesnatchedtheill-lookinggentleman’sthree-corneredhatfromhishead，and，receivingthepointofhisswordrightthroughthecrown，squeezedthesidestogether，andheldittight。
`Pinkhimbehind！’criedtheill-lookinggentlemantohiscompanion，ashestruggledtoregainhissword。
`Hehadbetternot，’criedmyuncle，displayingtheheelofoneofhisshoes，inathreateningmanner。`I’llkickhisbrainsout，ifhehasany，orfracturehisskullifhehasn’t。’Exertingallhisstrength，atthismoment，myunclewrenchedtheill-lookingman’sswordfromhisgrasp，andflungitcleanoutofthecoach-window：uponwhichtheyoungergentlemanvociferated`Deathandlightning！’again，andlaidhishanduponthehiltofhissword，inaveryfiercemanner，butdidn’tdrawit。Perhaps，gentlemen，asmyuncleusedtosaywithasmile，perhapshewasafraidofalarmingthelady。
`Now，gentlemen，’saidmyuncle，takinghisseatdeliberately，`Idon’twanttohaveanydeath，withorwithoutlightning，inalady’spresence，andwehavehadquitebloodandthunderingenoughforonejourney。so，ifyouplease，we’llsitinourplaceslikequietinsides。Here，guard，pickupthatgentleman’scarving-knife。’
Asquicklyasmyunclesaidthewords，theguardappearedatthecoach-window，withthegentleman’sswordinhishand。Hehelduphislantern，andlookedearnestlyinmyuncle’sface，ashehandeditin：when，byitslight，myunclesaw，tohisgreatsurprise，thatanimmensecrowdofmailcoachguardsswarmedroundthewindow，everyoneofwhomhadhiseyesearnestlyfixeduponhimtoo。Hehadneverseensuchaseaofwhitefaces，redbodies，andearnesteyes，inallhisborndays。
`ThisisthestrangestsortofthingIeverhadanythingtodowith，’
thoughtmyuncle。`allowmetoreturnyouyourhat，sir。’
Theill-lookinggentlemanreceivedhisthree-corneredhatinsilence，lookedattheholeinthemiddlewithaninquiringair，andfinallystuckitonthetopofhiswigwithasolemnitytheeffectofwhichwasatrifleimpairedbyhissneezingviolentlyatthemoment，andjerkingitoffagain。
`Allright！’criedtheguardwiththelantern，mountingintohislittleseatbehind。Awaytheywent。Myunclepeepedoutofthecoach-windowastheyemergedfromtheyard，andobservedthattheothermails，withcoachmen，guards，horses，andpassengers，complete，weredrivingroundandroundincircles，ataslowtrotofaboutfivemilesanhour。Myuncleburntwithindignation，gentlemen。Asacommercialman，hefeltthatthemailbagswerenottobetrifledwith，andheresolvedtomemorialisethePost-officeonthesubject，theveryinstanthereachedLondon。
Atpresent，however，histhoughtswereoccupiedwiththeyoungladywhosatinthefarthestcornerofthecoach，withherfacemuffledcloselyinherhood。thegentlemanwiththesky-bluecoatsittingoppositetoher。
theothermanintheplum-colouredsuit，byherside，andbothwatchingherintently。Ifshesomuchasrustledthefoldsofherhood，hecouldheartheill-lookingmanclaphishanduponhissword，andcouldtellbytheother’sbreathingitwassodarkhecouldn’tseehisfacethathewaslookingasbigasifheweregoingtodevourheratamouthful。Thisrousedmyunclemoreandmore，andheresolved，comewhatcomemight，toseetheendofit。Hehadagreatadmirationforbrighteyes，andsweetfaces，andprettylegsandfeet。inshort，hewasfondofthewholesex。
Itrunsinourfamily，gentlemen——soamI。
Manywerethedeviceswhichmyunclepractised，toattractthelady’sattention，oratallevents，toengagethemysteriousgentlemeninconversation。
Theywereallinvain。thegentlemenwouldn’ttalk，andtheladydidn’tdare。Hethrusthisheadoutofthecoach-windowatintervals，andbawledouttoknowwhytheydidn’tgofaster？Buthecalledtillhewashoarse。
nobodypaidtheleastattentiontohim。Heleantbackinthecoach，andthoughtofthebeautifulface，andthefeetandlegs。Thisansweredbetter。
itwhiledawaythetime，andkepthimfromwonderingwherehewasgoing，andhowitwasthathefoundhimselfinsuchanoddsituation。Notthatthiswouldhaveworriedhimmuch，anyway——hewasamightyfreeandeasy，roving，devil-may-caresortofperson，wasmyuncle，gentlemen。
Allofasuddenthecoachstopped。`Hallo！’saidmyuncle，`What’sinthewindnow？’
`Alighthere，’saidtheguard，lettingdownthesteps。
`Here！’criedmyuncle。
`Here，’rejoinedtheguard。
`I’lldonothingofthesort，’saidmyuncle。
`Verywell，thenstopwhereyouare，’saidtheguard。
`Iwill，’saidmyuncle。
`Do，’saidtheguard。
Theotherpassengershadregardedthiscolloquywithgreatattention，and，findingthatmyunclewasdeterminednottoalight，theyoungermansqueezedpasthim，tohandtheladyout。Atthismoment，theill-lookingmanwasinspectingtheholeinthecrownofhisthree-corneredhat。Astheyoungladybrushedpast，shedroppedoneofherglovesintomyuncle’shand，andsoftlywhispered，withherlipssoclosetohisfacethathefeltherwarmbreathonhisnose，thesingleword`Help！’Gentlemen，myuncleleapedoutofthecoachatonce，withsuchviolencethatitrockedonthespringsagain。
`Oh！You’vethoughtbetterofit，haveyou？’saidtheguardwhenhesawmyunclestandingontheground。
Myunclelookedattheguardforafewseconds，insomedoubtwhetheritwouldn’tbebettertowrenchhisblunder-bussfromhim，fireitinthefaceofthemanwiththebigsword，knocktherestofthecompanyovertheheadwiththestock，snatchuptheyounglady，andgooffinthesmoke。
Onsecondthoughts，however，heabandonedthisplan，asbeingashadetoomelodramaticintheexecution，andfollowedthetwomysteriousmen，who，keepingtheladybetweenthem，werenowenteringanoldhouseinfrontofwhichthecoachhadstopped。Theyturnedintothepassage，andmyunclefollowed。
Ofalltheruinousanddesolateplacesmyunclehadeverbeheld，thiswasthemostso。Itlookedasifithadoncebeenalargehouseofentertainment。
buttheroofhadfallenin，inmanyplaces，andthestairsweresteep，rugged，andbroken。Therewasahugefire-placeintheroomintowhichtheywalked，andthechimneywasblackenedwithsmoke。butnowarmblazelighteditupnow。Thewhitefeatherydustofburntwoodwasstillstrewedoverthehearth，butthestovewascold，andallwasdarkandgloomy。
`Well，’saidmyuncle，ashelookedabouthim，`Amailtravellingattherateofsixmilesandahalfanhour，andstoppingforanindefinitetimeatsuchaholeasthis，isratheranirregularsortofproceeding，Ifancy。Thisshallbemadeknown。I’llwritetothepapers。’
Myunclesaidthisinaprettyloudvoice，andinanopenunreservedsortofmanner，withtheviewofengagingthetwostrangersinconversationifhecould。But，neitherofthemtookanymorenoticeofhimthanwhisperingtoeachother，andscowlingathimastheydidso。Theladywasatthefatherendoftheroom，andoncesheventuredtowaveherhand，asifbeseechingmyuncle’sassistance。
Atlengththetwostrangersadvancedalittle，andtheconversationbeganinearnest。
`Youdon’tknowthisisaprivateroom，Isuppose，fellow？saidthegentlemaninsky-blue。
`No，Idonot，fellow，’rejoinedmyuncle。`Onlyifthisisaprivateroomspeciallyorderedfortheoccasion，Ishouldthinkthepublicroommustbeaverycomfortableone。’withthismyunclesathimselfdowninahigh-backedchair，andtooksuchanaccuratemeasureofthegentleman，withhiseyes，thatTigginandWelpscouldhavesuppliedhimwithprintedcalicoforasuit，andnotaninchtoomuchortoolittle，fromthatestimatealone。
`Quitthisroom，’saidboththementogether，graspingtheirswords。
`Eh？’saidmyuncle，notatallappearingtocomprehendtheirmeaning。
`Quittheroom，oryouareadeadman，’saidtheill-lookingfellowwiththelargesword，drawingitatthesametimeandflourishingitintheair。
`Downwithhim！’criedthegentlemaninsky-blue，drawinghisswordalso，andfallingbacktwoorthreeyards。`Downwithhim！’Theladygavealoudscream。
Now，myunclewasalwaysremarkableforgreatboldness，andgreatpresenceofmind。Allthetimethathehadappearedsoindifferenttowhatwasgoingon，hehadbeenlookingslylyabout，forsomemissileorweaponofdefence，andattheveryinstantwhentheswordsweredrawn，heespied，standinginthechimneycorner，anoldbasket-hiltedrapierinarustyscabbard。
Atonebound，myunclecaughtitinhishand，drewit，flourisheditgallantlyabovehishead，calledaloudtotheladytokeepoutoftheway，hurledthechairatthemaninsky-blue，andthescabbardatthemaninplum-colour，andtakingadvantageoftheconfusion，felluponthemboth，pell-mell。
Gentlemen，thereisanoldstory——nonetheworseforbeingtrue——regardingafineyoungIrishgentleman，whobeingaskedifhecouldplaythefiddle，repliedhehadnodoubthecould，buthecouldn’texactlysay，forcertain，becausehehadnevertried。Thisisnotinapplicabletomyuncleandhisfencing。Hehadneverhadaswordinhishandbefore，exceptoncewhenheplayedRichardtheThirdataprivatetheatre：uponwhichoccasionitwasarrangedwithRichmondthathewastoberunthrough，frombehind，withoutshowingfightatall。Butherehewas，cuttingandslashingwithtwoexperiencedswordsmen：thrustingandguardingandpokingandslicing，andacquittinghimselfinthemostmanfulanddexterousmannerpossible，althoughuptothattimehehadneverbeenawarethathehadtheleastnotionofthescience。Itonlyshowshowtruetheoldsayingis，thatamanneverknowswhathecando，tillhetries，gentlemen。
Thenoiseofthecombatwasterrific。eachofthethreecombatantsswearingliketroopers，andtheirswordsclashingwithasmuchnoiseasifalltheknivesandsteelsinNewportmarketwererattlingtogether，atthesametime。Whenitwasatitsveryheight，theladytoencouragemyunclemostprobablywithdrewherhoodentirelyfromherface，anddisclosedacountenanceofsuchdazzlingbeauty，thathewouldhavefoughtagainstfiftymen，towinonesmilefromit，anddie。Hehaddonewondersbefore，butnowhebegantopowderawaylikearavingmadgiant。
Atthisverymoment，thegentlemaninsky-blueturninground，andseeingtheyoungladywithherfaceuncovered，ventedanexclamationofrageandjealousy，and，turninghisweaponagainstherbeautifulbosom，pointedathrustatherheart，whichcausedmyuncletoutteracryofapprehensionthatmadethebuildingring。Theladysteppedlightlyaside，andsnatchingtheyoungman’sswordfromhishand，beforehehadrecoveredhisbalance，drovehimtothewall，andrunningitthroughhim，andthepanelling，uptotheveryhilt，pinnedhimthere，hardandfast。Itwasasplendidexample。
Myuncle，withaloudshoutoftriumph，andastrengththatwasirresistible，madehisadversaryretreatinthesamedirection，andplungingtheoldrapierintotheverycentreofalargeredflowerinthepatternofhiswaistcoat，nailedhimbesidehisfriend。theretheybothstood，gentlemen，jerkingtheirarmsandlegsabout，inagony，likethetoy-shopfiguresthataremovedbyapieceofpackthread。Myunclealwayssaid，afterwards，thatthiswasoneofthesurestmeansheknewof，fordisposingofanenemy。
butitwasliabletooneobjectiononthegroundofexpense，inasmuchasitinvolvedthelossofaswordforeverymandisabled。
`Themail，themail！’criedthelady，runninguptomyuncleandthrowingherbeautifularmsroundhisneck。`wemayyetescape。’
`May！’criedmyuncle。`why，mydear，there’snobodyelsetokill，isthere？’Myunclewasratherdisappointed，gentlemen，forhethoughtalittlequietbitoflove-makingwouldbeagreeableaftertheslaughtering，ifitwereonlytochangethesubject。
`Wehavenotaninstanttolosehere，’saidtheyounglady。`Hepointingtotheyounggentlemaninsky-blueistheonlysonofthepowerfulMarquessofFilletoville。’
`Well，then，mydear，I’mafraidhe’llnevercometothetitle，’saidmyuncle，lookingcoollyattheyounggentlemanashestoodfixedupagainstthewall，inthecockchaferfashionIhavedescribed。Youhavecutofftheentail，mylove。’
`Ihavebeentornfrommyhomeandfriendsbythesevillains，’saidtheyounglady，herfeaturesglowingwithindignation。`Thatwretchwouldhavemarriedmebyviolenceinanotherhour。’
`Confoundhisimpudence！’saidmyuncle，bestowingaverycontemptuouslookonthedyingheirofFilletoville。
`Asyoumayguessfromwhatyouhaveseen，’saidtheyounglady，`thepartywerepreparedtomurdermeifIappealedtoanyoneforassistance。
Iftheiraccomplicesfindushere，wearelost。Twominuteshencemaybetoolate。Themail！’Withthesewords，overpoweredbyherfeelings，andtheexertionofstickingtheyoungMarquessofFilletoville，shesunkintomyuncle’sarms。Myunclecaughtherup，andborehertothehouse-door。
Therestoodthemail，withfourlong-tailed，flowing-maned，blackhorses，readyharnessed。butnocoachman，noguard，nohostlereven，atthehorses’
heads。
Gentlemen，IhopeIdonoinjusticetomyuncle’smemory，whenIexpressmyopinion，thatalthoughhewasabachelor，hehadheldsomeladiesinhisarms，beforethistime。Ibelieveindeed，thathehadratherahabitofkissingbarmaids：andIknow，thatinoneortwoinstances，hehadbeenseenbycrediblewitnesses，tohugalandladyinaveryperceptiblemanner。
Imentionthecircumstance，toshowwhataveryuncommonsortofpersonthisbeautifulyoungladymusthavebeen，tohaveaffectedmyuncleinthewayshedid。heusedtosay，thatasherlongdarkhairtrailedoverhisarm，andherbeautifuldarkeyesfixedthemselvesuponhisfacewhensherecovered，hefeltsostrangeandnervousthathislegstrembledbeneathhim。But，whocanlookinasweetsoftpairofdarkeyes，withoutfeelingqueer？Ican’t，gentlemen。IamafraidtolookatsomeeyesIknow，andthat’sthetruthofit。
`Youwillneverleaveme，’murmuredtheyounglady。
`Never，’saidmyuncle。Andhemeantittoo。
`Mydearpreserver！’exclaimedtheyounglady。`Mydear，kind，bravepreserver！’
`Don’t，’saidmyuncle，interruptingher。
`Why？’inquiredtheyounglady。
`Becauseyourmouthlookssobeautifulwhenyouspeak，’rejoinedmyuncle，`thatI’mafraidIshallberudeenoughtokissit。’
Theyoungladyputupherhandasiftocautionmyunclenottodoso，andsaid——no，shedidn’tsayanything——shesmiled。Whenyouarelookingatapairofthemostdeliciouslipsintheworld，andseethemgentlybreakintoaroguishsmile——ifyouareverynearthem，andnobodyelseby——youcannotbettertestifyyouradmirationoftheirbeautifulformandcolourthanbykissingthematonce。Myuncledidso，andIhonourhimforit。
`Hark！’criedtheyounglady，starting。`Thenoiseofwheelsandhorses！’
`Soitis，’saidmyuncle，listening。Hehadagoodearforwheels，andthetramplingofhoofs。butthereappearedtobesomanyhorsesandcarriagesrattlingtowardsthem，fromadistance，thatitwasimpossibletoformaguessattheirnumber。Thesoundwaslikethatoffiftybreaks，withsixbloodcattleineach。
`Wearepursued！’criedtheyounglady，claspingherhands。`Wearepursued。Ihavenohopebutinyou！’
Therewassuchanexpressionofterrorinherbeautifulface，thatmyunclemadeuphismindatonce。Heliftedherintothecoach，toldhernottobefrightened，pressedhislipstohersoncemore，andthenadvisinghertodrawupthewindowtokeepthecoldairout，mountedtothebox。
`Stay，love，’criedtheyounglady。
`What’sthematter？’saidmyuncle，fromthecoach-box。
`Iwanttospeaktoyou，saidtheyounglady。`onlyaword。Onlyoneword，dearest。’
`MustIgetdown？’inquiredmyuncle。Theladymadenoanswer，butshesmiledagain。Suchasmile，gentlemen！Itbeattheotherone，alltonothing。Myuncledescendedfromhisperchinatwinkling。
`Whatisit，mydear？’saidmyuncle，lookinginatthecoach-window。
Theladyhappenedtobendforwardatthesametime，andmyunclethoughtshelookedmorebeautifulthanshehaddoneyet。Hewasveryclosetoherjustthen，gentlemen，sohereallyoughttoknow。
`Whatisit，mydear？’saidmyuncle。
`Willyouneverloveanyonebutme。nevermarryanyonebeside？’saidtheyounglady。
Myunclesworeagreatoaththatheneverwouldmarryanybodyelse，andtheyoungladydrewinherhead，andpulledupthewindow。Hejumpeduponthebox，squaredhiselbows，adjustedtheribands，seizedthewhipwhichlayontheroof，gaveoneflicktotheoffleader，andawaywentthefourlong-tailedflowing-manedblackhorses，atfifteengoodEnglishmilesanhour，withtheoldmailcoachbehindthem。Whew！Howtheytorealong！
Thenoisebehindgrewlouder。Thefastertheoldmailwent，thefastercamethepursuers——men，horses，dogs，wereleaguedinthepursuit。Thenoisewasfrightful，but，aboveall，rosethevoiceoftheyounglady，urgingmyuncleon，andshrieking，`Faster！Faster！’
Theywhirledpastthedarktrees，asfeatherswouldbesweptbeforeahurricane。Houses，gates，churches，hay-stacks，objectsofeverykindtheyshotby，withavelocityandnoiselikeroaringwaterssuddenlyletloose。Stillthenoiseofpursuitgrewlouder，andstillmyunclecouldheartheyoungladywildlyscreaming，`Faster！Faster！’
Myunclepliedwhipandrein，andthehorsesflewonwardtilltheywerewhitewithfoam。andyetthenoisebehindincreased。andyettheyoungladycried`Faster！Faster！’Myunclegavealoudstamponthebootintheenergyofthemoment，and——foundthatitwasgreymorning，andhewassittinginthewheelwright’syard，ontheboxofanoldEdinburghmail，shiveringwiththecoldandwetandstampinghisfeettowarmthem！Hegotdown，andlookedeagerlyinsideforthebeautifulyounglady。Alas！
Therewasneitherdoornorseattothecoach。Itwasamereshell。
Ofcoursemyuncleknewverywellthattherewassomemysteryinthematter，andthateverythinghadpassedexactlyasheusedtorelateit。
Heremainedstaunchtothegreatoathhehadsworntothebeautifulyounglady：refusingseveraleligiblelandladiesonheraccount，anddyingabacheloratlast。Healwayssaid，whatacuriousthingitwasthatheshouldhavefoundout，bysuchamereaccidentashisclamberingoverthepalings，thattheghostsofmailcoachesandhorses，guards，coachmen，andpassengers，wereinthehabitofmakingjourneysregularlyeverynight。Heusedtoadd，thathebelievedhewastheonlylivingpersonwhohadeverbeentakenasapassengerononeoftheseexcursions。AndIthinkhewasright，gentlemen——atleastIneverheardofanyother。
Iwonderwhattheseghostsofmailcoachescarryintheirbags，saidthelandlord，whohadlistenedtothewholestorywithprofoundattention。
Thedeadletters，ofcourse，saidtheBagman。
Oh，ah！Tobesure，rejoinedthelandlord。Ineverthoughtofthat。
[NextChapter][TableofContents]ThePickwickPapers：Chapter50[PreviousChapter][TableofContents]CHAPTERLHOWMR。PICKWICKSPEDUPONHISMISSION，ANDHOWHE
WASREINFORCEDINTHEOUTSETBYAMOSTUNEXPECTEDAUXILIARY
THEhorseswereputto，punctuallyataquarterbeforeninenextmorning，andMr。PickwickandSamWellerhavingeachtakenhisseat，theoneinsideandtheotherout，thepostillionwasdulydirectedtorepairinthefirstinstancetoMr。BobSawyer’shouse，forthepurposeoftakingupMr。BenjaminAllen。
Itwaswithfeelingsofnosmallastonishment，whenthecarriagedrewupbeforethedoorwiththeredlamp，andtheverylegibleinscriptionofSawyer，lateNockemorf，thatMr。Pickwicksaw，onpoppinghisheadoutofthecoachwindow，theboyinthegreyliveryverybusilyemployedinputtinguptheshutters：thewhich，beinganunusualandanun-business-likeproceedingatthathourofthemorning，atoncesuggestedtohismind，twoinferences。theone，thatsomegoodfriendandpatientofMr。BobSawyer’swasdead。theother，thatMr。BobSawyerhimselfwasbankrupt。
Whatisthematter？saidMr。Pickwicktotheboy。
Nothing’sthematter，sir，repliedtheboy，expandinghismouthtothewholebreadthofhiscountenance。
Allright，allright！criedBobSawyer，suddenlyappearingatthedoor，withasmallleathernknapsack，limpanddirty，inonehand，andaroughcoatandshawlthrownovertheotherarm。I’mgoing，oldfellow。
You！exclaimedMr。Pickwick。
Yes，repliedBobSawyer，andaregularexpeditionwe’llmakeofit。
Here，Sam！Lookout！ThusbrieflybespeakingMr。Weller’sattention，Mr。
BobSawyerjerkedtheleathernknapsackintothedickey，whereitwasimmediatelystowedaway，undertheseat，bySam，whoregardedtheproceedingwithgreatadmiration。Thisdone，Mr。BobSawyer，withtheassistanceoftheboy，forciblyworkedhimselfintotheroughcoat，whichwasafewsizestoosmallforhim，andthenadvancingtothecoach-window，thrustinhishead，andlaughedboisterously。
Whatastartitis，isn’tit！criedBob，wipingthetearsoutofhiseyes，withoneofthecuffsoftheroughcoat。
Mydearsir，saidMr。Pickwick，withsomeembarrassment，Ihadnoideaofyouraccompanyingus。
No，that’sjusttheverything，repliedBob，seizingMr。Pickwickbythelapelofhiscoat。That’sthejoke。
Oh，that’sthejoke？saidMr。Pickwick。
Ofcourse，repliedBob。It’sthewholepointofthething，youknow——that，andleavingthebusinesstotakecareofitself，asitseemstohavemadeupitsmindnottotakecareofme。Withthisexplanationofthephenomenonoftheshutters，Mr。BobSawyerpointedtotheshop，andrelapsedintoanecstasyofmirth。
Blessme，youaresurelynotmadenoughtothinkofleavingyourpatientswithoutanybodytoattendthem！remonstratedMr。Pickwickinaveryserioustone。
Whynot？askedBob，inreply。Ishallsavebyit，youknow。Noneofthemeverpay。Besides，saidBob，loweringhisvoicetoaconfidentialwhisper，theywillbeallthebetterforit。for，beingnearlyoutofdrugs，andnotabletoincreasemyaccountjustnow，Ishouldhavebeenobligedtogivethemcalomelallround，anditwouldhavebeencertaintohavedisagreedwithsomeofthem。Soit’sallforthebest。
Therewasaphilosophy，andastrengthofreasoning，aboutthisreply，whichMr。Pickwickwasnotpreparedfor。Hepausedafewmoments，andadded，lessfirmlythanbefore：
Butthischaise，myyoungfriend，willonlyholdtwo。andIampledgedtoMr。Allen。
Don’tthinkofmeforaminute，repliedBob。I’vearrangeditall。
SamandIwillsharethedickeybetweenus。Lookhere。Thislittlebillistobewaferedontheshopdoor：`Sawyer，lateNockemorf。EnquireofMrs。Crippsovertheway。’Mrs。Crippsismyboy’smother。`Mr。Sawyer’sverysorry，’saysMrs。Cripps，`couldn’thelpit——fetchedawayearlythismorningtoaconsultationoftheveryfirstsurgeonsinthecountry——couldn’tdowithouthim——wouldhavehimatanyprice——tremendousoperation。Thefactis，saidBobinconclusion，it’lldomemoregoodthanotherwise，Iexpect。Ifitgetsintooneofthelocalpapers，itwillbethemakingofme。Here’sBen。nowthen，jumpin！
Withthesehurriedwords，Mr。BobSawyerpushedthepostboyononeside，jerkedhisfriendintothevehicle，slammedthedoor，putupthesteps，waferedthebillonthestreetdoor，lockedit，putthekeyinhispocket，jumpedintothedickey，gavethewordforstarting，anddidthewholewithsuchextraordinaryprecipitation，thatbeforeMr。PickwickhadwellbegantoconsiderwhetherMr。BobSawyeroughttogoornot，theywererollingaway，withMr。BobSawyerthoroughlyestablishedaspartandparceloftheequipage。
SolongastheirprogresswasconfinedtothestreetsofBristol，thefacetiousBobkepthisprofessionalgreenspectacleson，andconductedhimselfwithbecomingsteadinessandgravityofdemeanour。merelygivingutterancetodiversverbalwitticismsfortheexclusivebehoofandentertainmentofMr。SamuelWeller。Butwhentheyemergedontheopenroad，hethrewoffhisgreenspectaclesandhisgravitytogether，andperformedagreatvarietyofpracticaljokes，whichwerecalculatedtoattracttheattentionofthepassers-by，andtorenderthecarriageandthoseitcontained，objectsofmorethanordinarycuriosity。theleastconspicuousamongthesefeats，being，amostvociferousimitationofakey-bugle，andtheostentatiousdisplayofacrimsonsilkpocket-handkerchiefattachedtoawalking-stick，whichwasoccasionallywavedintheairwithvariousgesturesindicativeofsupremacyanddefiance。
Iwonder，saidMr。Pickwick，stoppinginthemidstofamostsedateconversationwithBenAllen，bearingreferencetothenumerousgoodqualitiesofMr。Winkleandhissister：Iwonderwhatallthepeoplewepass，canseeinustomakethemstareso。
It’saneatturn-out，repliedBenAllen，withsomethingofprideinhistone。They’renotusedtoseethissortofthingeveryday，Idaresay。
Possibly，repliedMr。Pickwick。Itmaybeso。Perhapsitis。
Mr。Pickwickmightveryprobablyhavereasonedhimselfintothebeliefthatitreallywas：hadhenot，justthenhappeningtolookoutofthecoachwindow，observedthatthelooksofthepassengersbetokenedanythingbutrespectfulastonishment，andthatvarioustelegraphiccommunicationsappearedtobepassingbetweenthemandsomepersonsoutsidethevehicle：
whereuponitoccurredtohimthatthesedemonstrationsmightbe，insomeremotedegree，referabletothehumorousdeportmentofMr。RobertSawyer。
Ihope，saidMr。Pickwick，thatourvolatilefriendiscommittingnoabsurditiesinthatdickeybehind。
Ohdear，no，repliedBenAllen。Exceptwhenhe’selevated，Bob’sthequietestcreaturebreathing。
Hereaprolongedimitationofakey-buglebrokeupontheear，succeededbycheersandscreams，allofwhichevidentlyproceededfromthethroatandlungsofthequietestcreaturebreathing，orinplainerdesignation，ofMr。BobSawyerhimself。
Mr。PickwickandMr。BenAllenlookedexpressivelyateachother，andtheformergentlemantakingoffhishat，andleaningoutofthecoach-windowuntilnearlythewholeofhiswaistcoatwasoutsideit，wasatlengthenabledtocatchaglimpseofhisfacetiousfriend。
Mr。BobSawyerwasseated：notinthedickey，butontheroofofthechaise，withhislegsasfarasunderastheywouldconvenientlygo，wearingMr。SamuelWeller’shatononesideofhishead，andbearing，inonehand，amostenormoussandwich，while，intheother，hesupportedagoodly-sizedcase-bottle，tobothofwhichheappliedhimselfwithintenserelish：varyingthemonotonyoftheoccupationbyanoccasionalhowl，ortheinterchangeofsomelivelybadinagewithanypassingstranger。Thecrimsonflagwascarefullytiedinanerectpositiontotherailofthedickey。andMr。SamuelWeller，decoratedwithBobSawyer’shat，wasseatedinthecentrethereof，discussingatwinsandwich，withananimatedcountenance，theexpressionofwhichbetokenedhisentireandperfectapprovalofthewholearrangement。
ThiswasenoughtoirritateagentlemanwithMr。Pickwick’ssenseofpropriety，butitwasnotthewholeextentoftheaggravation，forastage-coachfull，insideandout，wasmeetingthematthemoment，andtheastonishmentofthepassengerswasverypalpablyevinced。ThecongratulationsofanIrishfamily，too，whowerekeepingupwiththechaise，andbeggingallthetime，wereofratheraboisterousdescription。especiallythoseofitsmalehead，whoappearedtoconsiderthedisplayaspartandparcelofsomepolitical，orotherprocessionoftriumph。
Mr。Sawyer！criedMr。Pickwick，inastateofgreatexcitement。Mr。
Sawyer，sir！
Hallo！respondedthatgentleman，lookingoverthesideofthechaisewithallthecoolnessinlife。
Areyoumad，sir？demandedMr。Pickwick。
Notabitofit，repliedBob。onlycheerful。
Cheerful，sir！ejaculatedMr。Pickwick。Takedownthatscandalousredhandkerchief，Ibeg。Iinsist，sir。Sam，takeitdown。
BeforeSamcouldinterpose，Mr。BobSawyergracefullystruckhiscolours，andhavingputtheminhispocket，noddedinacourteousmannertoMr。
Pickwick，wipedthemouthofthecase-bottle，andappliedittohisown。
therebyinforminghim，withoutanyunnecessarywasteofwords，thathedevotedthatdraughttowishinghimallmannerofhappinessandprosperity。
Havingdonethis，Bobreplacedthecorkwithgreatcare，andlookingbenignantlydownonMr。Pickwick，tookalargebiteoutofthesandwich，andsmiled。
Come，saidMr。Pickwick，whosemomentaryangerwasnotquiteproofagainstBob’simmovableself-possession，prayletushavenomoreofthisabsurdity。
No，no，repliedBob，oncemoreexchanginghatswithMr。Weller。I
didn’tmeantodoit，onlyIgotsoenlivenedwiththeridethatIcouldn’thelpit。
Thinkofthelookofthething，expostulatedMr。Pickwick。havesomeregardtoappearances。
Oh，certainly，saidBob，it’snotthesortofthingatall。Allover，governor。
Satisfiedwiththisassurance，Mr。Pickwickoncemoredrewhisheadintothechaiseandpulleduptheglass。buthehadscarcelyresumedtheconversationwhichMr。BobSawyerhadinterrupted，whenhewassomewhatstartledbytheapparitionofasmalldarkbody，ofanoblongform，ontheoutsideofthewindow，whichgavesundrytapsagainstit，asifimpatientofadmission。
What’sthis？exclaimedMr。Pickwick。
Itlookslikeacase-bottle。remarkedBenAllen，eyeingtheobjectinquestionthroughhisspectacleswithsomeinterest。IratherthinkitbelongstoBob。
Theimpressionwasperfectlyaccurate。forMr。BobSawyerhavingattachedthecase-bottletotheendofthewalking-stick，wasbatteringthewindowwithit，intokenofhiswishthathisfriendsinsidewouldpartakeofitscontents，inallgoodfellowshipandharmony。
What’stobedone？saidMr。Pickwick，lookingatthebottle。Thisproceedingismoreabsurdthantheother。
Ithinkitwouldbebesttotakeitin，repliedMr。BenAllen。itwouldservehimrighttotakeitinandkeepit，wouldn’tit？
Itwould，saidMr。Pickwick：shallI？
Ithinkitthemostpropercoursewecouldpossiblyadopt，repliedBen。