Longbeforethecloseofthisaddress，whichweareboundtosaywasofaveryprosycharacterforMr。Pickwick，theSerjeanthadrelapsedintoastateofabstraction。Aftersomeminutes，however，duringwhichhehadreassumedhispen，heappearedtobeagainawareofthepresenceofhisclients。raisinghisheadfromthepaper，hesaid，rathersnappishly，Whoiswithmeinthiscase？
Mr。Phunky，SerjeantSnubbin，repliedtheattorney。
Phunky，Phunky，saidtheSerjeant，Ineverheardthenamebefore。
Hemustbeaveryyoungman。
Yes，heisaveryyoungman，repliedtheattorney。Hewasonlycalledtheotherday。Letmesee——hehasnotbeenattheBareightyearsyet。
Ah，Ithoughtnot，saidtheSerjeant，inthatsortofpityingtoneinwhichordinaryfolkswouldspeakofaveryhelplesslittlechild。Mr。
Mallard，sendroundtoMr——Mr——
Phunky’s——HolbornCourt，Gray’sInn，interposedPerker。HolbornCourt，bythebye，isSouthSquarenow。Mr。Phunky，andsayIshouldbegladifhe’dstephere，amoment。
Mr。Mallarddepartedtoexecutehiscommission。andSerjeantSnubbinrelapsedintoabstractionuntilMr。Phunkyhimselfwasintroduced。
Althoughaninfantbarrister，hewasafull-grownman。Hehadaverynervousmanner，andapainfulhesitationinhisspeech。itdidnotappeartobeanaturaldefect，butseemedrathertheresultoftimidity，arisingfromtheconsciousnessofbeingkeptdownbywantofmeans，orinterest，orconnexion，orimpudence，asthecasemightbe。HewasoverawedbytheSerjeant，andprofoundlycourteoustotheattorney。
Ihavenothadthepleasureofseeingyoubefore，Mr。Phunky，saidSerjeantSnubbin，withhaughtycondescension。
Mr。Phunkybowed。HehadhadthepleasureofseeingtheSerjeant，andofenvyinghimtoo，withallapoorman’senvy，foreightyearsandaquarter。
Youarewithmeinthiscase，Iunderstand？saidtheSerjeant。
IfMr。Phunkyhadbeenarichman，hewouldhaveinstantlysentforhisclerktoremindhim：ifhehadbeenawiseone，hewouldhaveappliedhisforefingertohisforehead，andendeavouredtorecollect，whether，inthemultiplicityofhisengagementshehadundertakenthisone，ornot。
butashewasneitherrichnorwiseinthissenseatalleventsheturnedred，andbowed。
Haveyoureadthepapers，Mr。Phunky？inquiredtheSerjeant。
Hereagain，Mr。Phunkyshouldhaveprofessedtohaveforgottenallaboutthemeritsofthecase。butashehadreadsuchpapersashadbeenlaidbeforehiminthecourseoftheaction，andhadthoughtofnothingelse，wakingorsleeping，throughoutthetwomonthsduringwhichhehadbeenretainedasMr。SerjeantSnubbin’sjunior，heturnedadeeperred，andbowedagain。
ThisisMr。Pickwick，saidtheSerjeant，wavinghispeninthedirectioninwhichthatgentlemanwasstanding。
Mr。PhunkybowedtoMr。Pickwickwithareverencewhichafirstclientmusteverawaken。andagaininclinedhisheadtowardshisleader。
PerhapsyouwilltakeMr。Pickwickaway，saidtheSerjeant，and——and——and——hearanythingMr。Pickwickmaywishtocommunicate。Weshallhaveaconsultation，ofcourse。Withthishintthathehadbeeninterruptedquitelongenough，Mr。SerjeantSnubbin，whohadbeengraduallygrowingmoreandmoreabstracted，appliedhisglasstohiseyesforaninstant，bowedslightlyround，andwasoncemoredeeplyimmersedinthecasebeforehim：whicharoseoutofaninterminablelawsuit，originatingintheactofanindividual，deceasedacenturyorsoago，whohadstoppedupapathwayleadingfromsomeplacewhichnobodyevercamefrom，tosomeotherplacewhichnobodyeverwentto。
Mr。PhunkywouldnothearofpassingthroughanydooruntilMr。Pickwickandhissolicitorhadpassedthroughbeforehim，soitwassometimebeforetheygotintotheSquare。andwhentheydidreachit，theywalkedupanddown，andheldalongconference，theresultofwhichwas，thatitwasaverydifficultmattertosayhowtheverdictwouldgo。thatnobodycouldpresumetocalculateontheissueofanaction。thatitwasveryluckytheyhadpreventedtheotherpartyfromgettingSerjeantSnubbin。andothertopicsofdoubtandconsolation，commoninsuchapositionofaffairs。
Mr。Wellerwasthenrousedbyhismasterfromasweetsleepofanhour’sduration。and，biddingadieutoLowten，theyreturnedtotheCity。
[NextChapter][TableofContents]ThePickwickPapers：Chapter32[PreviousChapter][TableofContents]CHAPTERXXXIIDESCRIBES，FARMOREFULLYTHANTHECOURTNEWSMAN
EVERDID，ABACHELOR’SPARTY，GIVENBYMR。BOBSAWYERATHISLODGINGSIN
THEBOROUGH
THEREisareposeaboutLantStreet，intheBorough，whichshedsagentlemelancholyuponthesoul。Therearealwaysagoodmanyhousestoletinthestreet：itisabye-streettoo，anditsdulnessissoothing。AhouseinLantStreetwouldnotcomewithinthedenominationofafirst-rateresidence，inthestrictacceptationoftheterm。butitisamostdesirablespotnevertheless。Ifamanwishedtoabstracthimselffromtheworld——toremovehimselffromwithinthereachoftemptation——toplacehimselfbeyondthepossibilityofanyinducementtolookoutofthewindow——heshouldbyallmeansgotoLantStreet。
Inthishappyretreatarecolonisedafewclear-starchers，asprinklingofjourneymenbookbinders，oneortwoprisonagentsfortheInsolventCourt，severalsmallhousekeeperswhoareemployedintheDocks，ahandfulofmantua-makers，andaseasoningofjobbingtailors。Themajorityoftheinhabitantseitherdirecttheirenergiestothelettingoffurnishedapartments，ordevotethemselvestothehealthfulandinvigoratingpursuitofmangling。
Thechieffeaturesinthestilllifeofthestreetaregreenshutters，lodging-bills，brassdoor-plates，andbell-handles。theprincipalspecimensofanimatednature，thepot-boy，themuffinyouth，andthebaked-potatoman。Thepopulationismigratory，usuallydisappearingonthevergeofquarter-day，andgenerallybynight。HisMajesty’srevenuesareseldomcollectedinthishappyvalley。therentsaredubious。andthewatercommunicationisveryfrequentlycutoff。
Mr。BobSawyerembellishedonesideofthefire，inhisfirst-floorfront，earlyontheeveningforwhichhehadinvitedMr。Pickwick。andMr。BenAllentheother。Thepreparationsforthereceptionofvisitorsappearedtobecompleted。Theumbrellasinthepassagehadbeenheapedintothelittlecorneroutsidetheback-parlourdoor。thebonnetandshawlofthelandlady’sservanthadbeenremovedfromthebannisters。therewerenotmorethantwopairsofpattensonthestreet-doormat，andakitchencandle，withaverylongsnuff，burntcheerfullyontheledgeofthestaircasewindow。Mr。BobSawyerhadhimselfpurchasedthespiritsatawinevaultsinHighStreet，andhadreturnedhomeprecedingthebearerthereof，toprecludethepossibilityoftheirdeliveryatthewronghouse。Thepunchwasreadymadeinaredpaninthebed-room。alittletable，coveredwithagreenbaizecloth，hadbeenborrowedfromtheparlour，toplayatcardson。andtheglassesoftheestablishment，togetherwiththosewhichhadbeenborrowedfortheoccasionfromthepublic-house，werealldrawnupinatray，whichwasdepositedonthelandingoutsidethedoor。
Notwithstandingthehighlysatisfactorynatureofallthesearrangements，therewasacloudonthecountenanceofMr。BobSawyer，ashesatbythefireside。Therewasasympathisingexpression，too，inthefeaturesofMr。BenAllen，ashegazedintentlyonthecoals。andatoneofmelancholyinhisvoice，ashesaid，afteralongsilence：
Well，itisunluckysheshouldhavetakenitinherheadtoturnsour，justonthisoccasion。Shemightatleasthavewaitedtillto-morrow。
That’shermalevolence，that’shermalevolence，returnedMr。BobSawyer，vehemently。ShesaysthatifIcanaffordtogiveapartyIoughttobeabletopayherconfounded`littlebill。’
Howlonghasitbeenrunning？inquiredMr。BenAllen。Abill，bythebye，isthemostextraordinarylocomotiveenginethatthegeniusofmaneverproduced。Itwouldkeeponrunningduringthelongestlifetime，withouteveroncestoppingofitsownaccord。
Onlyaquarter，andamonthorso，repliedMr。BobSawyer。
BenAllencoughedhopelessly，anddirectedasearchinglookbetweenthetwotopbarsofthestove。
It’llbeadeucedunpleasantthingifshetakesitintoherheadtoletout，whenthosefellowsarehere，won’tit？saidMr。BenAllenatlength。
Horrible，repliedBobSawyer，horrible。
Alowtapwasheardattheroomdoor。Mr。BobSawyerlookedexpressivelyathisfriend，andbadethetappercomein。whereuponadirtyslipshodgirlinblackcottonstockings，whomighthavepassedfortheneglecteddaughterofasuperannuateddustmaninveryreducedcircumstances，thrustinherhead，andsaid，Please，MisterSawyer，MissisRaddlewantstospeaktoyou。
BeforeMr。BobSawyercouldreturnanyanswer，thegirlsuddenlydisappearedwithajerk，asifsomebodyhadgivenheraviolentpullbehind。thismysteriousexitwasnosooneraccomplished，thantherewasanothertapatthedoor——asmartpointedtap，whichseemedtosay，HereIam，andinI’mcoming。
Mr。BobSawyerglancedathisfriendwithalookofabjectapprehension，andoncemorecriedComein。
Thepermissionwasnotatallnecessary，for，beforeMr。BobSawyerhadutteredthewords，alittlefiercewomanbouncedintotheroom，allinatremblewithpassion，andpalewithrage。
Now，Mr。Sawyer，saidthelittlefiercewoman，tryingtoappearverycalm，ifyou’llhavethekindnesstosettlethatlittlebillofmineI’llthankyou，becauseI’vegotmyrenttopaythisafternoon，andmylandlord’sawaitingbelownow。Herethelittlewomanrubbedherhands，andlookedsteadilyoverMr。BobSawyer’shead，atthewallbehindhim。
Iamverysorrytoputyoutoanyinconvenience，Mrs。Raddle，saidBobSawyer，deferentially，but——
Oh，itisn’tanyinconvenience，repliedthelittlewoman，withashrilltitter。Ididn’twantitparticularbeforetoday。leastways，asithastogotomylandlorddirectly，itwasaswellforyoutokeepitasme。
Youpromisedmethisafternoon，Mr。Sawyer，andeverygentlemanashaseverlivedhere，haskepthisword，sir，asofcourseanybodyascallshimselfagentleman，does。Mrs。Raddletossedherhead，bitherlips，rubbedherhandsharder，andlookedatthewallmoresteadilythanever。
Itwasplaintosee，asMr。BobSawyerremarkedinastyleofeasternallegoryonasubsequentoccasion，thatshewasgettingthesteamup。
Iamverysorry，Mrs。Raddle，saidBobSawyerwithallimaginablehumility，butthefactis，thatIhavebeendisappointedintheCityto-day——ExtraordinaryplacethatCity。Anastonishingnumberofmenalwaysaregettingdisappointedthere。
Well，Mr。Sawyer，saidMrs。Raddle，plantingherselffirmlyonapurplecauliflowerintheKidderminstercarpet，andwhat’sthattome，sir？
I——I——havenodoubt，Mrs。Raddle，saidBobSawyer，blinkingthislastquestion，thatbeforethemiddleofnextweekweshallbeabletosetourselvesquitesquare，andgoon，onabettersystem，afterwards。
ThiswasallMrs。Raddlewanted。ShehadbustleduptotheapartmentoftheunluckyBobSawyer，sobentupongoingintoapassion，that，inallprobability，paymentwouldhaveratherdisappointedherthanotherwise。
Shewasinexcellentorderforalittlerelaxationofthekind：havingjustexchangedafewintroductorycomplimentswithMr。R。inthefrontkitchen。
Doyousuppose，Mr。Sawyer，saidMrs。Raddle，elevatinghervoicefortheinformationoftheneighbours，doyousupposethatI’ma-goingdayafterdaytoletafellaroccupymylodgingsasneverthinksofpayinghisrent，noreventheverymoneylaidoutforthefreshbutterandlumpsugarthat’sboughtforhisbreakfast，andtheverymilkthat’stookin，atthestreetdoor？Doyousupposeahard-workingandindustriouswomanashaslivedinthisstreetfortwentyyeartenyearovertheway，andnineyearandthreequarterinthisveryhousehasnothingelsetodobuttoworkherselftodeathafteraparceloflazyidlefellars，thatarealwayssmokinganddrinking，andlounging，whentheyoughttobegladtoturntheirhandstoanythingthatwouldhelp’emtopaytheirbills？
Doyou——
Mygoodsoul，interposedMr。BenjaminAllen，soothingly。
Havethegoodnesstokeepyourobservashunstoyourself，sir，Ibeg，
saidMrs。Raddle，suddenlyarrestingtherapidtorrentofherspeech，andaddressingthethirdpartywithimpressiveslownessandsolemnity。Iamnotaweer，sir，thatyouhaveanyrighttoaddressyourconversationtome。Idon’tthinkIlettheseapartmentstoyou，sir。
No，youcertainlydidnot，saidMr。BenjaminAllen。
Verygood，sir，respondedMrs。Raddle，withloftypoliteness。Thenp’raps，sir，you’llconfineyourselftobreakingthearmsandlegsofthepoorpeopleinthehospitals，andkeepyourselftoyourself，sir，ortheremaybesomepersonshereaswillmakeyou，sir。
Butyouaresuchanunreasonablewoman，remonstratedMr。BenjaminAllen。
Ibegyourparding，youngman，saidMrs。Raddle，inacoldperspirationofanger。Butwillyouhavethegoodnessjusttocallmethatagain，sir？
Ididn’tmakeuseofthewordinanyinvidioussense，ma’am，repliedMr。BenjaminAllen，growingsomewhatuneasyonhisownaccount。
Ibegyourparding，youngman，demandedMrs。Raddleinalouderandmoreimperativetone。Butwhodoyoucallawoman？Didyoumakethatremarktome，sir？
Why，blessmyheart！saidMr。BenjaminAllen。
Didyouapplythatnametome，Iaskofyou，sir？interruptedMrs。
Raddle，withintensefierceness，throwingthedoorwideopen。
Why，ofcourseIdid，repliedMr。BenjaminAllen。
Yes，ofcourseyoudid，saidMrs。Raddle，backinggraduallytothedoor，andraisinghervoicetoitsloudestpitch，forthespecialbehoofofMr。Raddleinthekitchen。Yes，ofcourseyoudid！Andeverybodyknowsthattheymaysafelyinsultmeinmyown’ousewhilemyhusbandsitssleepingdown-stairs，andtakingnomorenoticethanifIwasadoginthestreets。
HeoughttobeashamedofhimselfhereMrs。Raddlesobbedtoallowhiswifetobetreatedinthiswaybyaparcelofyoungcuttersandcarversoflivepeople’sbodies，thatdisgracesthelodgingsanothersob，andleavingherexposedtoallmannerofabuse。abase，faint-hearted，timorouswretch，that’safraidtocomeup-stairs，andfacetheruffinlycreatures——that’safraid——that’safraidtocome！Mrs。Raddlepausedtolistenwhethertherepetitionofthetaunthadrousedherbetterhalf。and，findingthatithadnotbeensuccessful，proceededtodescendthestairswithsobsinnumerable：
whentherecamealouddoubleknockatthestreetdoor：whereuponsheburstintoanhystericalfitofweeping，accompaniedwithdismalmoans，whichwasprolongeduntiltheknockhadbeenrepeatedsixtimes，when，inanuncontrollableburstofmentalagony，shethrewdownalltheumbrellas，anddisappearedintothebackparlour，closingthedoorafterherwithanawfulcrash。
DoesMr。Sawyerlivehere？saidMr。Pickwick，whenthedoorwasopened。
Yes，saidthegirl，firstfloor。It’sthedoorstraightaforeyou，whenyougetstothetopofthestairs。Havinggiventhisinstruction，thehandmaid，whohadbeenbroughtupamongtheaboriginalinhabitantsofSouthwark，disappeared，withthecandleinherhand，downthekitchenstairs：perfectlysatisfiedthatshehaddoneeverythingthatcouldpossiblyberequiredofherunderthecircumstances。
Mr。Snodgrass，whoenteredlast，securedthestreetdoor，afterseveralineffectualefforts，byputtingupthechain。andthefriendsstumbledup-stairs，wheretheywerereceivedbyMr。BobSawyer，whohadbeenafraidtogodown，lestheshouldbewaylaidbyMrs。Raddle。
Howareyou？saidthediscomfitedstudent。Gladtoseeyou，——takecareoftheglasses。ThiscautionwasaddressedtoMr。Pickwick，whohadputhishatinthetray。
Dearme，saidMr。Pickwick，Ibegyourpardon。
Don’tmentionit，don’tmentionit，saidBobSawyer。I’mratherconfinedforroom，here，butyoumustputupwithallthat，whenyoucometoseeayoungbachelor。Walkin。You’veseenthisgentlemanbefore，Ithink？
Mr。PickwickshookhandswithMr。BenjaminAllen，andhisfriendsfollowedhisexample。Theyhadscarcelytakentheirseatswhentherewasanotherdoubleknock。
Ihopethat’sJackHopkins！saidMr。BobSawyer。Hush。Yes，itis。
Comeup，Jack。comeup。
Aheavyfootstepwashearduponthestairs，andJackHopkinspresentedhimself。Heworeablackvelvetwaist-coat，withthunder-and-lightningbuttons。andabluestripedshirt，withawhitefalsecollar。
You’relate，Jack？saidMr。BenjaminAllen。
BeendetainedatBartholomew’s，repliedHopkins。
Anythingnew？
No，nothingparticular。Ratheragoodaccidentbroughtintothecasualtyward。
Whatwasthat，sir？inquiredMr。Pickwick。
Onlyamanfallenoutofafourpairofstairs’window——butit’saveryfaircase——veryfaircaseindeed。
Doyoumeanthatthepatientisinafairwaytorecover？inquiredMr。Pickwick。
No，repliedHopkins，carelessly。No，Ishouldrathersayhewouldn’t。
Theremustbeasplendidoperationthough，to-morrow——magnificentsightifSlasherdoesit。
YouconsiderMr。Slasheragoodoperator？saidMr。Pickwick。
Bestalive，repliedHopkins。Tookaboy’slegoutofthesocketlastweek——boyatefiveapplesandaginger-breadcake——exactlytwominutesafteritwasallover，boysaidhewouldn’tlietheretobemadegameof，andhe’dtellhismotheriftheydidn’tbegin。
Dearme！saidMr。Pickwick，astonished。
Pooh！That’snothing，thatain’t，saidJackHopkins。Isit，Bob？
Nothingatall，repliedMr。BobSawyer。
Bythebye，Bob，saidHopkins，withascarcelyperceptibleglanceatMr。Pickwick’sattentiveface，wehadacuriousaccidentlastnight。
Achildwasbroughtin，whohadswallowedanecklace。
Swallowedwhat，sir？interruptedMr。Pickwick。
Anecklace，repliedJackHopkins。Notallatonce，youknow，thatwouldbetoomuch——youcouldn’tswallowthat，ifthechilddid——eh，Mr。Pickwick，ha！ha！Mr。Hopkinsappearedhighlygratifiedwithhisownpleasantry。andcontinued。No，thewaywasthis。Child’sparentswerepoorpeoplewholivedinacourt。Child’seldestsisterboughtanecklace。
commonnecklace，madeoflargeblackwoodenbeads。Child，beingfondoftoys，cribbedthenecklace，hidit，playedwithit，cutthestring，andswallowedabead。Childthoughtitcapitalfun，wentbacknextday，andswallowedanotherbead。
Blessmyheart，saidMr。Pickwick，whatadreadfulthing！Ibegyourpardon，sir。Goon。
Nextday，childswallowedtwobeads。thedayafterthat，hetreatedhimselftothree，andsoon，tillinaweek’stimehehadgotthroughthenecklace——five-and-twentybeadsinall。Thesister，whowasanindustriousgirl，andseldomtreatedherselftoabitoffinery，criedhereyesout，atthelossofthenecklace。lookedhighandlowforit。but，Ineedn’tsay，didn’tfindit。Afewdaysafterwards，thefamilywereatdinner——bakedshoulderofmutton，andpotatoesunderit——thechild，whowasn’thungry，wasplayingabouttheroom，whensuddenlytherewasheardadevilofanoise，likeasmallhailstorm。`Don’tdothat，myboy，’saidthefather。
`Iain’tadoin’nothing，’saidthechild。`Well，don’tdoitagain，’saidthefather。Therewasashortsilence，andthenthenoisebeganagain，worsethanever。`Ifyoudon’tmindwhatIsay，myboy，’saidthefather，`you’llfindyourselfinbed，insomethinglessthanapig’swhisper。’
Hegavethechildashaketomakehimobedient，andsucharattlingensuedasnobodyeverheardbefore。`Why，dam’me，it’sinthechild！’saidthefather，`he’sgotthecroupinthewrongplace！’`NoIhaven’t，father，’
saidthechild，beginningtocry，`it’sthenecklace。Iswallowedit，father。’——Thefathercaughtthechildup，andranwithhimtothehospital：thebeadsintheboy’sstomachrattlingallthewaywiththejolting。andthepeoplelookingupintheair，anddowninthecellars，toseewheretheunusualsoundcamefrom。He’sinthehospitalnow，saidJackHopkins，andhemakessuchadevilofanoisewhenhewalksabout，thatthey’reobligedtomufflehiminawatchman’scoat，forfearheshouldwakethepatients！
That’sthemostextraordinarycaseIeverheardof，saidMr。Pickwick，withanemphaticblowonthetable。
Oh，that’snothing，saidJackHopkins。isit，Bob？
Certainlynot，repliedMr。BobSawyer。
Verysingularthingsoccurinourprofession，Icanassureyou，sir，
saidHopkins。
SoIshouldbedisposedtoimagine，repliedMr。Pickwick。
Anotherknockatthedoor，announcedalarge-headedyoungmaninablackwig，whobroughtwithhimascorbuticyouthinalongstock。Thenextcomerwasagentlemaninashirtemblazonedwithpinkanchors，whowascloselyfollowedbyapaleyouthwithaplatedwatchguard。Thearrivalofaprimpersonageincleanlinenandclothbootsrenderedthepartycomplete。Thelittletablewiththegreenbaizecoverwaswheeledout。thefirstinstalmentofpunchwasbroughtin，inawhitejug。andthesucceedingthreehoursweredevotedtovingt-et-unatsixpenceadozen，whichwasonlyonceinterruptedbyaslightdisputebetweenthescorbuticyouthandthegentlemanwiththepinkanchors。inthecourseofwhich，thescorbuticyouthintimatedaburningdesiretopullthenoseofthegentlemanwiththeemblemsofhope：inreplytowhich，thatindividualexpressedhisdecidedunwillingnesstoacceptofanysauceongratuitousterms，eitherfromtheirascibleyounggentlemanwiththescorbuticcountenance，oranyotherpersonwhowasornamentedwithahead。
Whenthelastnaturalhadbeendeclared，andtheprofitandlossaccountoffishandsixpencesadjusted，tothesatisfactionofallparties，Mr。
BobSawyerrangforsupper，andthevisitorssqueezedthemselvesintocornerswhileitwasgettingready。
Itwasnotsoeasilygotreadyassomepeoplemayimagine。Firstofall，itwasnecessarytoawakenthegirl，whohadfallenasleepwithherfaceonthekitchentable。thistookalittletime，and，evenwhenshedidanswerthebell，anotherquarterofanhourwasconsumedinfruitlessendeavourstoimparttoherafaintanddistantglimmeringofreason。Themantowhomtheorderfortheoystershadbeensent，hadnotbeentoldtoopenthem。itisaverydifficultthingtoopenanoysterwithalimpknifeoratwo-prongedfork。andverylittlewasdoneinthisway。Verylittleofthebeefwasdoneeither。andthehamwhichwasalsofromtheGerman-sausageshoproundthecornerwasinasimilarpredicament。However，therewasplentyofporterinatincan。andthecheesewentagreatway，foritwasverystrong。Souponthewhole，perhaps，thesupperwasquiteasgoodassuchmattersusuallyare。
Aftersupper，anotherjugofpunchwasputuponthetable，togetherwithapaperofcigars，andacoupleofbottlesofspirits。Then，therewasanawfulpause。andthisawfulpausewasoccasionedbyaverycommonoccurrenceinthissortofplace，butaveryembarrassingonenotwithstanding。
Thefactis，thegirlwaswashingtheglasses。Theestablishmentboastedfour。wedonotrecordthecircumstanceasatallderogatorytoMrs。Raddle，forthereneverwasalodging-houseyet，thatwasnotshortofglasses。
Thelandlady’sglasseswerelittlethinblownglasstumblers，andthosewhichhadbeenborrowedfromthepublic-houseweregreat，dropsical，bloatedarticles，eachsupportedonahugegoutyleg。Thiswouldhavebeeninitselfsufficienttohavepossessedthecompanywiththerealstateofaffairs。
buttheyoungwomanofallworkhadpreventedthepossibilityofanymisconceptionarisinginthemindofanygentlemanuponthesubject，byforciblydraggingeveryman’sglassaway，longbeforehehadfinishedhisbeer，andaudiblystating，despitethewinksandinterruptionsofMr。BobSawyer，thatitwastobeconveyeddown-stairs，andwashedforthwith。
Itisaveryillwindthatblowsnobodyanygood。Theprimmanintheclothboots，whohadbeenunsuccessfullyattemptingtomakeajokeduringthewholetimetheroundgamelasted，sawhisopportunity，andavailedhimselfofit。Theinstanttheglassesdisappeared，hecommencedalongstoryaboutagreatpubliccharacter，whosenamehehadforgotten，makingaparticularlyhappyreplytoanothereminentandillustriousindividualwhomhehadneverbeenabletoidentify。Heenlargedatsomelengthandwithgreatminutenessupondiverscollateralcircumstances，distantlyconnectedwiththeanecdoteinhand，butforthelifeofhimhecouldn’trecollectatthatprecisemomentwhattheanecdotewas，althoughhehadbeeninthehabitoftellingthestorywithgreatapplauseforthelasttenyears。
Dearme，saidtheprimmanintheclothboots，itisaveryextraordinarycircumstance。
Iamsorryyouhaveforgottenit，saidMr。BobSawyer，glancingeagerlyatthedoor，ashethoughtheheardthenoiseofglassesjingling。verysorry。
SoamI，respondedtheprimman，becauseIknowitwouldhaveaffordedsomuchamusement。Nevermind。IdaresayIshallmanagetorecollectit，inthecourseofhalf-an-hourorso。
Theprimmanarrivedatthispoint，justastheglassescameback，whenMr。BobSawyer，whohadbeenabsorbedinattentionduringthewholetime，saidheshouldverymuchliketoheartheendofit，for，sofarasitwent，itwas，withoutexception，theverybeststoryhehadeverheard。
ThesightofthetumblersrestoredBobSawyertoadegreeofequanimitywhichhehadnotpossessedsincehisinterviewwithhislandlady。Hisfacebrightenedup，andhebegantofeelquiteconvivial。
Now，Betsy，saidMr。BobSawyer，withgreatsuavity，anddispersing，atthesametime，thetumultuouslittlemobofglassesthegirlhadcollectedinthecentreofthetable：now，Betsy，thewarmwater。bebrisk，there’sagoodgirl。
Youcan’thavenowarmwater，repliedBetsy。
Nowarmwater！exclaimedMr。BobSawyer。
No，saidthegirl，withashakeoftheheadwhichexpressedamoredecidednegativethanthemostcopiouslanguagecouldhaveconveyed。MissisRaddlesaidyouwarn’ttohavenone。
Thesurprisedepictedonthecountenancesofhisguestsimpartednewcouragetothehost。
Bringupthewarmwaterinstantly——instantly！saidMr。BobSawyer，withdesperatesternness。
No。Ican’t，repliedthegirl。MissisRaddlerakedoutthekitchenfireaforeshewenttobed，andlockedupthekittle。
Oh，nevermind。nevermind。Praydon’tdisturbyourselfaboutsuchatrifle，saidMr。Pickwick，observingtheconflictofBobSawyer’spassions，asdepictedinhiscountenance，coldwaterwilldoverywell。
Oh，admirably，saidMr。BenjaminAllen。
Mylandladyissubjecttosomeslightattacksofmentalderangement，
remarkedBobSawyerwithaghastlysmile。AndIfearImustgiveherwarning。
No，don’t，saidBenAllen。
IfearImust，saidBobwithheroicfirmness。I’llpayherwhatI
oweher，andgiveherwarningto-morrowmorning。Poorfellow！howdevoutlyhewishedhecould！
Mr。BobSawyer’sheart-sickeningattemptstorallyunderthislastblow，communicatedadispiritinginfluencetothecompany，thegreaterpartofwhom，withtheviewofraisingtheirspirits，attachedthemselveswithextracordialitytothecoldbrandyandwater，thefirstperceptibleeffectsofwhichweredisplayedinarenewalofhostilitiesbetweenthescorbuticyouthandthegentlemanintheshirt。Thebelligerentsventedtheirfeelingsofmutualcontempt，forsometime，inavarietyoffrowningsandsnortings，untilatlastthescorbuticyouthfeltitnecessarytocometoamoreexplicitunderstandingonthematter。whenthefollowingclearunderstandingtookplace。
Sawyer，saidthescorbuticyouth，inaloudvoice。
Well，Noddy，repliedMr。BobSawyer。
Ishouldbeverysorry，Sawyer，saidMr。Noddy，tocreateanyunpleasantnessatanyfriend’stable，andmuchlessatyours，Sawyer——very。butImusttakethisopportunityofinformingMr。Gunterthatheisnogentleman。
AndIshouldbeverysorry，Sawyer，tocreateanydisturbanceinthestreetinwhichyoureside，saidMr。Gunter，butI’mafraidI
shallbeunderthenecessityofalarmingtheneighboursbythrowingthepersonwhohasjustspoken，outo’window。
Whatdoyoumeanbythat，sir？inquiredMr。Noddy。
WhatIsay，sir，repliedMr。Gunter。
Ishouldliketoseeyoudoit，sir，saidMr。Noddy。
Youshallfeelmedoitinhalfaminute，sir，repliedMr。
Gunter。
Irequestthatyou’llfavourmewithyourcard，sir，saidMr。Noddy。
I’lldonothingofthekind，sir，repliedMr。Gunter。
Whynot，sir？inquiredMr。Noddy。
Becauseyou’llstickitupoveryourchimney-piece，anddeludeyourvisitorsintothefalsebeliefthatagentlemanhasbeentoseeyou，sir，
repliedMr。Gunter。
Sir，afriendofmineshallwaitonyouinthemorning，saidMr。Noddy。
Sir，I’mverymuchobligedtoyouforthecaution，andI’llleaveparticulardirectionswiththeservanttolockupthespoons，repliedMr。Gunter。
Atthispointtheremainderoftheguestsinterposed，andremonstratedwithbothpartiesontheimproprietyoftheirconduct。onwhichMr。NoddybeggedtostatethathisfatherwasquiteasrespectableasMr。Gunter’sfather。towhichMr。GunterrepliedthathisfatherwastothefullasrespectableasMr。Noddy’sfather，andthathisfather’ssonwasasgoodamanasMr。Noddy，anydayintheweek。Asthisannoucementseemedthepreludetoarecommencementofthedispute，therewasanotherinterferenceonthepartofthecompany。andavastquantityoftalkingandclamouringensued，inthecourseofwhichMr。Noddygraduallyallowedhisfeelingstooverpowerhim，andprofessedthathehadeverentertainedadevotedpersonalattachmenttowardsMr。Gunter。TothisMr。Gunterrepliedthat，uponthewhole，heratherpreferredMr。Noddytohisownbrother。onhearingwhichadmission，Mr。Noddymagnanimouslyrosefromhisseat，andprofferedhishandtoMr。Gunter。Mr。Guntergraspeditwithaffectingfervour。andeverybodysaidthatthewholedisputehadbeenconductedinamannerwhichwashighlyhonourabletobothpartiesconcerned。
Now，saidJackHopkins，justtosetusgoingagain，Bob，Idon’tmindsingingasong。AndHopkins，incitedthereto，bytumultuousapplause，plungedhimselfatonceintoTheKing，Godblesshim，whichhesangasloudashecould，toanovelair，compoundedoftheBayofBiscay，andAFroghewould。Thechoruswastheessenceofthesong。and，aseachgentlemansangittothetuneheknewbest，theeffectwasverystrikingindeed。
Itwasattheendofthechorustothefirstverse，thatMr。Pickwickhelduphishandinalisteningattitude，andsaid，assoonassilencewasrestored：
Hush！Ibegyourpardon。IthoughtIheardsomebodycallingfromup-stairs。
Aprofoundsilenceimmediatelyensued。andMr。BobSawyerwasobservedtoturnpale。
IthinkIhearitnow，saidMr。Pickwick。Havethegoodnesstoopenthedoor。
Thedoorwasnosooneropenedthanalldoubtonthesubjectwasremoved。
Mr。Sawyer！Mr。Sawyer！screamedavoicefromthetwo-pairlanding。
It’smylandlady，saidBobSawyer，lookingroundhimwithgreatdismay。
Yes，Mrs。Raddle。
Whatdoyoumeanbythis，Mr。Sawyer？repliedthevoice，withgreatshrillnessandrapidityofutterance。Ain’titenoughtobeswindledoutofone’srent，andmoneylentoutofpocketbesides，andabusedandinsultedbyyourfriendsthatdarestocallthemselvesmen：withouthavingthehouseturnedoutofthewindow，andnoiseenoughmadetobringthefire-engineshere，attwoo’clockinthemorning？——Turnthemwretchesaway。
Yououghttobeashamedofyourselves，saidthevoiceofMr。Raddle，whichappearedtoproceedfrombeneathsomedistantbed-clothes。
Ashamedofthemselves！saidMrs。Raddle。Whydon’tyougodownandknock’emeveryonedown-stairs？Youwouldifyouwasaman。
IshouldifIwasadozenmen，mydear，repliedMr。Raddle，pacifically，butthey’vetheadvantageofmeinnumbers，mydear。
Ugh，youcoward！repliedMrs。Raddle，withsupremecontempt。Doyoumeantoturnthemwretchesout，ornot，Mr。Sawyer？
They’regoing，Mrs。Raddle，they’regoing，saidthemiserableBob。
Iamafraidyou’dbettergo，saidMr。BobSawyertohisfriends。Ithoughtyouweremakingtoomuchnoise。
It’saveryunfortunatething，saidtheprimman。Justasweweregettingsocomfortabletoo！Theprimmanwasjustbeginningtohaveadawningrecollectionofthestoryhehadforgotten。
It’shardlytobeborne，saidtheprimman，lookinground。Hardlytobeborne，isit？
Nottobeendured，repliedJackHopkins。let’shavetheotherverse，Bob。Come，heregoes！
No，no，Jack，don’t，interposedBobSawyer。it’sacapitalsong，butIamafraidwehadbetternothavetheotherverse。Theyareveryviolentpeople，thepeopleofthehouse。
ShallIstepup-stairs，andpitchintothelandlord？inquiredHopkins，orkeeponringingthebell，orgoandgroanonthestaircase？Youmaycommandme，Bob。
Iamverymuchindebtedtoyouforyourfriendshipandgoodnature，Hopkins，saidthewretchedMr。BobSawyer，butIthinkthebestplantoavoidanyfurtherdisputeisforustobreakupatonce。
Now，Mr。Sawyer！screamedtheshrillvoiceofMrs。Raddle，arethembrutesgoing？
They’reonlylookingfortheirhats，Mrs。Raddle，saidBob。theyaregoingdirectly。
Going！saidMrs。Raddle，thrustinghernight-capoverthebanistersjustasMr。Pickwick，followedbyMr。Tupman，emergedfromthesitting-room。
Going！whatdidtheyevercomefor？
Mydearma’am，remonstratedMr。Pickwick，lookingup。
Getalongwithyou，youoldwretch！repliedMrs。Raddle，hastilywithdrawingthenight-cap。Oldenoughtobehisgrandfather，youwillin！You’reworsethananyof’em。
Mr。Pickwickfounditinvaintoprotesthisinnocence，sohurrieddown-stairsintothestreet，whitherhewascloselyfollowedbyMr。Tupman，Mr。Winkle，andMr。Snodgrass。Mr。BenAllen，whowasdismallydepressedwithspiritsandagitation，accompaniedthemasfarasLondonBridge，andinthecourseofthewalkconfidedtoMr。Winkle，asanespeciallyeligiblepersontointrustthesecretto，thathewasresolvedtocutthethroatofanygentlemanexceptMr。BobSawyerwhoshouldaspiretotheaffectionsofhissisterArabella。Havingexpressedhisdeterminationtoperformthispainfuldutyofabrotherwithproperfirmness，heburstintotears，knockedhishatoverhiseyes，and，makingthebestofhiswayback，knockeddoubleknocksatthedooroftheBoroughMarketoffice，andtookshortnapsonthestepsalternately，untildaybreak，underthefirmimpressionthathelivedthere，andhadforgottenthekey。
Thevisitorshavingalldeparted，incompliancewiththeratherpressingrequestofMrs。Raddle，thelucklessMr。BobSawyerwasleftalone，tomeditateontheprobableeventsofto-morrow，andthepleasuresoftheevening。
[NextChapter][TableofContents]ThePickwickPapers：Chapter33[PreviousChapter][TableofContents]CHAPTERXXXIIIMR。WELLERTHEELDERDELIVERSSOMECRITICALSENTIMENTS
RESPECTINGLITERARYCOMPOSITION。AND，ASSISTEDBYHISSONSAMUEL，PAYS
ASMALLINSTALMENTOFRETALIATIONTOTHEACCOUNTOFTHEREVERENDGENTLEMAN
WITHTHEREDNOSE
THEmorningofthethirteenthofFebruary，whichthereadersofthisauthenticnarrativeknow，aswellaswedo，tohavebeenthedayimmediatelyprecedingthatwhichwasappointedforthetrialofMrs。Bardell’saction，wasabusytimeforMr。SamuelWeller，whowasperpetuallyengagedintravellingfromtheGeorgeandVulturetoMr。Perker’schambersandbackagain，fromandbetweenthehoursofnineo’clockinthemorningandtwointheafternoon，bothinclusive。Notthattherewasanythingwhatevertobedone，fortheconsultationhadtakenplace，andthecourseofproceedingtobeadopted，hadbeenfinallydeterminedon。
butMr。Pickwickbeinginamostextremestateofexcitement，perseveredinconstantlysendingsmallnotestohisattorney，merelycontainingtheinquiry，DearPerker。Isallgoingonwell？towhichMr。Perkerinvariablyforwardedthereply，DearPickwick。Aswellaspossible。thefactbeing，aswehavealreadyhinted，thattherewasnothingwhatevertogoon，eitherwellorill，untilthesittingofthecourtonthefollowingmorning。
Butpeoplewhogovoluntarilytolaw，oraretakenforciblythere，forthefirsttime，maybeallowedtolabourundersometemporaryirritationandanxiety：andSam，withadueallowanceforthefrailtiesofhumannature，obeyedallhismaster’sbehestswiththatimperturbablegoodhumourandunruffablecomposurewhichformedoneofhismoststrikingandamiablecharacteristics。
Samhadsolacedhimselfwithamostagreeablelittledinner，andwaswaitingatthebarfortheglassofwarmmixtureinwhichMr。Pickwickhadrequestedhimtodrownthefatiguesofhismorning’swalks，whenayoungboyofaboutthreefeethigh，orthereabouts，inahairycapandfustianover-alls，whosegarbbespokealaudableambitiontoattainintimetheelevationofanhostler，enteredthepassageoftheGeorgeandVulture，andlookedfirstupthestairs，andthenalongthepassage，andthenintothebar，asifinsearchofsomebodytowhomheboreacommission。
whereuponthebarmaid，conceivingitnotimprobablethatthesaidcommissionmightbedirectedtotheteaortablespoonsoftheestablishment，accostedtheboywith：
Now，youngman，whatdoyouwant？
Isthereanybodyhere，namedSam？inquiredtheyouth，inaloudvoiceoftreblequality。
What’sthet’othername？saidSamWeller，lookinground。
HowshouldIknow？brisklyrepliedtheyounggentlemanbelowthehairycap。
You’reasharpboy，youare，saidMr。Weller。onlyIwouldn’tshowthatweryfineedgetoomuch，ifIwasyou，incaseanybodytookitoff。
Whatdoyoumeanbycomin’toahot-el，andaskingarterSam，vithasmuchpolitenessasavildIndian？
’Cosanoldgen’l’m’ntoldmeto，repliedtheboy。
Whatoldgen’l’m’n？inquiredSam，withdeepdisdain。
HimasdrivesaIpswichcoach，andusesourparlour，rejoinedtheboy。Hetoldmeyesterdaymornin’tocometotheGeorgeandWulturthisarternoon，andaskforSam。
It’smyfather，mydear，saidMr。Weller，turningwithanexplanatoryairtotheyoungladyinthebar。blessedifIthinkhehardlyknowswotmyothernameis。Vell，youngbrockileysprout，wotthen？
Why，then，saidtheboy，youwastocometohimatsixo’clocktoour’ouse，’coshewantstoseeyou——BlueBoar，Leaden’allMarkit。ShallIsayyou’recomin’？
Youmaywentureonthat’erestatement，sir，repliedSam。Andthusempowered，theyounggentlemanwalkedaway，awakeningalltheechoesinGeorgeYardashedidso，withseveralchasteandextremelycorrectimitationsofadrover’swhistle，deliveredinatoneofpeculiarrichnessandvolume。
Mr。WellerhavingobtainedleaveofabsencefromMr。Pickwick，who，inhisthenstateofexcitementandworrywasbynomeansdispleasedatbeingleftalone，setforth，longbeforetheappointedhour，andhavingplentyoftimeathisdisposal，sauntereddownasfarastheMansionHouse，wherehepausedandcontemplated，withafaceofgreatcalmnessandphilosophy，thenumerouscadsanddriversofshortstageswhoassemblenearthatfamousplaceofresort，tothegreatterrorandconfusionoftheold-ladypopulationoftheserealms。Havingloiteredhere，forhalfanhourorso，Mr。Wellerturned，andbeganwendinghiswaytowardsLeadenhallMarket，throughavarietyofbyestreetsandcourts。Ashewassaunteringawayhissparetime，andstoppedtolookatalmosteveryobjectthatmethisgaze，itisbynomeanssurprisingthatMr。Wellershouldhavepausedbeforeasmallandprint-seller’swindow。butwithoutfurtherexplanationitdoesappearsurprisingthathiseyesshouldhavenosoonerrestedoncertainpictureswhichwereexposedforsaletherein，thanhegaveasuddenstart，smotehisrightlegwithgreatvehemence，andexclaimedwithenergy，Ifithadn’tbeenforthis，Ishouldha’forgotallaboutit，tillitwastoolate！
TheparticularpictureonwhichSamWeller’seyeswerefixed，ashesaidthis，wasahighlycolouredrepresentationofacoupleofhumanheartsskeweredtogetherwithanarrow，cookingbeforeacheerfulfire，whileamaleandfemalecannibalinmodernattire：thegentlemanbeingcladinabluecoatandwhitetrousers，andtheladyinadeepredpelissewithaparasolofthesame：wereapproachingthemealwithhungryeyes，upaserpentinegravelpathleadingthereunto。Adecidedlyindelicateyounggentleman，inapairofwingsandnothingelse，wasdepictedassuperintendingthecooking。arepresentationofthespireofthechurchinLanghamPlace，London，appearedinthedistance。andthewholeformedavalentine，ofwhich，asawritteninscriptioninthewindowtestified，therewasalargeassortmentwithin，whichtheshopkeeperpledgedhimselftodisposeof，tohiscountrymengenerally，atthereducedrateofoneandsixpenceeach。
Ishouldha’forgotit。Ishouldcertainlyha’forgotit！saidSam。
sosaying，heatoncesteppedintothestationer’sshop，andrequestedtobeservedwithasheetofthebestgilt-edgedletter-paper，andahard-nibbedpenwhichcouldbewarrantednottosplutter。Thesearticleshavingbeenpromptlysupplied，hewalkedondirecttowardsLeadenhallMarketatagoodroundpace，verydifferentfromhisrecentlingeringone。Lookingroundhim，hetherebeheldasignboardonwhichthepainter’sarthaddelineatedsomethingremotelyresemblingaceruleanelephantwithanaquilinenoseinlieuoftrunk。RightlyconjecturingthatthiswastheBlueBoarhimself，hesteppedintothehouse，andinquiredconcerninghisparent。
Hewon’tbeherethisthreequartersofanhourormore，saidtheyoungladywhosuperintendedthedomesticarrangementsoftheBlueBoar。
Werygood，mydear，repliedSam。Letmehaveninepenn’ortho’brandyandwaterluke，andtheinkstand，willyou，miss？
Thebrandyandwaterluke，andtheinkstand，havingbeencarriedintothelittleparlour，andtheyoungladyhavingcarefullyflatteneddownthecoalstopreventtheirblazing，andcarriedawaythepokertoprecludethepossibilityofthefirebeingstirred，withoutthefullprivityandconcurrenceoftheBlueBoarbeingfirsthadandobtained，SamWellersathimselfdowninaboxnearthestove，andpulledoutthesheetofgilt-edgedletter-paper，andthehard-nibbedpen。Thenlookingcarefullyatthepentoseethattherewerenohairsinit，anddustingdownthetable，sothattheremightbenocrumbsofbreadunderthepaper，Samtuckedupthecuffsofhiscoat，squaredhiselbows，andcomposedhimselftowrite。
Toladiesandgentlemenwhoarenotinthehabitofdevotingthemselvespracticallytothescienceofpenmanship，writingaletterisnoveryeasytask。itbeingalwaysconsiderednecessaryinsuchcasesforthewritertoreclinehisheadonhisleftarm，soastoplacehiseyesasnearlyaspossibleonalevelwiththepaper，whileglancingsidewaysatthelettersheisconstructing，toformwithhistongueimaginarycharacterstocorrespond。
Thesemotions，althoughunquestionablyofthegreatestassistancetooriginalcomposition，retardinsomedegreetheprogressofthewriter。andSamhadunconsciouslybeenafullhourandahalfwritingwordsinsmalltext，smearingoutwrongletterswithhislittlefinger，andputtinginnewoneswhichrequiredgoingoververyoftentorenderthemvisiblethroughtheoldblots，whenhewasrousedbytheopeningofthedoorandtheentranceofhisparent。
Vell，Sammy，saidthefather。
vell，myProoshanBlue，respondedtheson，layingdownhispen。What’sthelastbulletinaboutmother-in-law？
Mrs。Vellerpassedawerygoodnight，butisuncommonperwerse，andunpleasantthismornin’。Signeduponoath，T。Veller，Esquire，Senior。
That’sthelastvunaswasissued，Sammy，repliedMr。Weller，untyinghisshawl。
Nobetteryet？inquiredSam。
Allthesymptomsaggerawated，repliedMr。Weller，shakinghishead。
Butwot’sthat，you’readoingof？Pursuitofknowledgeunderdifficulties，Sammy？
I’vedonenow，saidSamwithslightembarrassment。I’vebeenawritin’。
SoIsee，repliedMr。Weller。Nottoanyyoung’ooman，Ihope，Sammy？
Why，it’snouseasayin’itain’t，repliedSam。It’sawalentine。
Awhat！exclaimedMr。Weller，apparentlyhorror-strickenbytheword。
Awalentine，repliedSam。
Samivel，Samivel，saidMr。Weller，inreproachfulaccents，Ididn’tthinkyou’dha’doneit。Arterthewarnin’you’vehado’yourfather’swiciouspropensities。arterallI’vesaidtoyouuponthisherewerysubject。
arteractiwallyseein’andbein’inthecompanyo’yourownmother-in-law，vichIshouldha’thoughtwosamorallessonasnomancouldneverha’
forgottentohisdyin’day！Ididn’tthinkyou’dha’doneit，Sammy，I
didn’tthinkyou’dha’doneit！Thesereflectionsweretoomuchforthegoodoldman。HeraisedSam’stumblertohislipsanddrankoffitscontents。
Wot’sthematternow？saidSam。
Nev’rmind，Sammy，repliedMr。Weller，it’llbeaweryagonizin’
trialtomeatmytimeoflife，butI’mprettytough，that’svunconsolation，astheweryoldturkeyremarkedwenthefarmersaidhewosafeerdheshouldbeobligedtokillhimfortheLondonmarket。
Wot’llbeatrial？inquiredSam。
Toseeyoumarried，Sammy——toseeyouadilludedwictim，andthinkin’
inyourinnocencethatit’sallwerycapital，repliedMr。Weller。It’sadreadfultrialtoafather’sfeelin’s，that’ere，Sammy。
Nonsense，saidSam。Iain’tagoin’togetmarried，don’tyoufretyourselfaboutthat。Iknowyou’reajudgeofthesethings。Orderinyourpipe，andI’llreadyoutheletter。There！
Wecannotdistinctlysaywhetheritwastheprospectofthepipe，ortheconsolatoryreflectionthatafataldispositiontogetmarriedraninthefamilyandcouldn’tbehelped，whichcalmedMr。Weller’sfeelings，andcausedhisgrieftosubside。Weshouldberatherdisposedtosaythattheresultwasattainedbycombiningthetwosourcesofconsolation，forherepeatedthesecondinalowtone，veryfrequently。ringingthebellmeanwhile，toorderinthefirst。Hethendivestedhimselfofhisuppercoat。andlightingthepipeandplacinghimselfinfrontofthefirewithhisbacktowardsit。sothathecouldfeelitsfullheat，andreclineagainstthemantelpieceatthesametime，turnedtowardsSam，and，withacountenancegreatlymollifiedbythesofteninginfluenceoftobacco，requestedhimtofireaway。
Samdippedhispenintotheinktobereadyforanycorrections，andbeganwithaverytheatricalair：
`Lovely——’
Stop，saidMr。Weller，ringingthebell。Adoubleglasso’theinwariable，mydear。
Verywell，sir，repliedthegirl。whowithgreatquicknessappeared，vanished，returned，anddisappeared。
Theyseemtoknowyourwayshere，observedSam。
Yes，repliedhisfather，I’vebeenherebefore，inmytime。Goon，Sammy。
`Lovelycreetur，’repeatedSam。
’Tain’tinpoetry，isit？interposedhisfather。
No，no，repliedSam。
Werygladtohearit，saidMr。Weller。Poetry’sunnat’ral。nomanevertalkedpoetry’ceptabeadleonboxin’day，orWarren’sblackin’，orRowland’soil，orsomeo’themlowfellows。neveryouletyourselfdowntotalkpoetry，myboy。Beginagin，Sammy。
Mr。Wellerresumedhispipewithcriticalsolemnity，andSamoncemorecommenced，andreadasfollows：
`Lovelycreeturifeelmyselfadammed’——
Thatain’tproper，saidMr。Weller，takinghispipefromhismouth。
No。itain’t`dammed，’observedSam，holdingtheletteruptothelight，it’s`shamed，’there’sablotthere——`Ifeelmyselfashamed。’
Werygood，saidMr。Weller。Goon。
`Feelmyselfashamed，andcompletelycir——’Iforgetwhatthisherewordis，saidSam，scratchinghisheadwiththepen，invainattemptstoremember。
Whydon’tyoulookatit，then？inquiredMr。WellerSoIamalookin’atit，repliedSam，buttheresanotherblot。Here’sa`c，’anda`i，’anda`d。’
Circumwented，p’raps，suggestedMr。Weller。
No，itain’tthat，saidSam，circumscribed。that’sit。
Thatain’tasgoodawordascircumwented，Sammy，saidMr。Weller，gravely。
Thinknot？saidSam。
Nothin’likeit，repliedhisfather。
Butdon’tyouthinkitmeansmore？inquiredSam。
Vellp’rapsitisamoretendererword，saidMr。Weller，afterafewmoments’reflection。Goon，Sammy。
`Feelmyselfashamedandcompletelycircumscribedinadressin’ofyou，foryouareanicegalandnothin’butit。’
That’saweryprettysentiment，saidtheelderMr。Weller，removinghispipetomakewayfortheremark。
Yes，Ithinkitisraythergood，observedSam，highlyflattered。
WotIlikeinthat’erestyleofwritin’，saidtheelderMr。Weller，is，thatthereain’tnocallin’namesinit，——noWenuses，nornothin’
o’thatkind。Wot’sthegoodo’callin’ayoung’oomanaWenusoraangel，Sammy？
Ah！what，indeed？repliedSam。
Youmightjistaswellcallheragriffin，oraunicorn，oraking’sarmsatonce，whichiswerywellknowntobeacol-lectiono’fabulousanimals，addedMr。Weller。
Justaswell，repliedSam。
Driveon，Sammy，saidMr。Weller。
Samcompliedwiththerequest，andproceededasfollows。hisfathercontinuingtosmoke，withamixedexpressionofwisdomandcomplacency，whichwasparticularlyedifying。
`AforeIseeyou，Ithoughtallwomenwasalike。’
Sotheyare，observedtheelderMr。Weller，parenthetically。
`Butnow，’continuedSam，`nowIfindwhatareg’larsoft-headed，inkred’lousturnipImustha’been。forthereain’tnobodylikeyou，thoughIlikeyoubetterthannothin’atall。’Ithoughtitbesttomakethatraytherstrong，saidSam，lookingup。
Mr。Wellernoddedapprovingly，andSamresumed。
`SoItaketheprivilidgeoftheday，Mary，mydear——asthegen’l’m’nindifficultiesdid，venhevalkedoutofaSunday，——totellyouthatthefirstandonlytimeIseeyou，yourlikenesswastookonmyhartinmuchquickertimeandbrightercoloursthaneveralikenesswastookbytheprofeelmacheenwichp’rapsyoumayhaveheerdonMarymydearalthoitdoesfinishaportraitandputtheframeandglassoncomplete，withahookattheendtohangitupby，andallintwominutesandaquarter。’。
Iamafeerdthatwergesonthepoetical，Sammy，saidMr。Weller，dubiously。
Noitdon’t，repliedSam，readingonveryquickly，toavoidcontestingthepoint：
`ExceptofmeMarymydearasyourwalentineandthinkoverwhatI’vesaid——MydearMaryIwillnowconclude。’That’sall，saidSam。
That’sratherasuddenpullup，ain’tit，Sammy？inquiredMr。Weller。
Notabitonit，saidSam。she’llvishtherewosmore，andthat’sthegreatarto’letterwritin’。
Well，saidMr。Weller，there’ssomethin’inthat。andIwishyourmother-in-law’udonlyconductherconwersationonthesamegen-teelprinciple。
Ain’tyouagoin’tosignit？
That’sthedifficulty，saidSam。Idon’tknowwhattosignit。
Signit，Veller，saidtheoldestsurvivingproprietorofthatname。
Won’tdo，saidSam。Neversignawalentinewithyourownname。
Signit`Pickvick，’then，saidMr。Weller。it’sawerygoodname，andaeasyonetospell。
Thewerything，saidSam。Icouldendwithawerse。whatdoyouthink？
Idon’tlikeit，Sam，rejoinedMr。Weller。Ineverknow’darespectablecoachmanaswrotepoetry，’ceptone，asmadeanaffectin’copyo’wersesthenightaforehewoshungforahighwayrobbery。andhewosonlyaCambervellman，soeventhat’snorule。
ButSamwasnottobedissuadedfromthepoeticalideathathadoccurredtohim，sohesignedtheletter，Yourlove-sickPickwick。Andhavingfoldedit，inaveryintricatemanner，squeezedadown-hilldirectioninonecorner：ToMary，Housemaid，atMr。Nupkins’s，Mayor’s，Ipswich，Suffolk。
andputitintohispocket，wafered，andreadyfortheGeneralPost。Thisimportantbusinesshavingbeentransacted，Mr。Wellertheelderproceededtoopenthat，onwhichhehadsummonedhisson。
Thefirstmatterrelatestoyourgovernor，Sammy，saidMr。Weller。
He’sagoin’tobetriedto-morrow，ain’the？
Thetrial’sacomin’on，repliedSam。
Vell，saidMr。Weller，NowIs’posehe’llwanttocallsomewitnessestospeaktohischaracter，orp’rapstoproveaalleybi。I’vebeenaturnin’
thebis’nessoverinmymind，andhemaymakehis-selfeasy，Sammy。I’vegotsomefriendsas’lldoeitherforhim，butmyadwice’udbethishere——nevermindthecharacter，andsticktothealleybi。Nothinglikeaalleybi，Sammy，nothing。Mr。Wellerlookedveryprofoundashedeliveredthislegalopinion。
andburyinghisnoseinhistumbler，winkedoverthetopthereof，athisastonishedson。
Why，whatdoyoumean？saidSam。youdon’tthinkhe’sagoin’tobetriedattheOldBailey，doyou？
Thatain’tnopartofthepresentcon-sideration，Sammy，repliedMr。
Weller。Vereverhe’sagoin’tobetried，myboy，aalleybi’sthethingtogethimoff。VegotTomVildsparkoffthat’eremanslaughter，withaalleybi，venallthebigvigstoamansaidasnothingcouldn’tsavehim。
Andmy’pinionis，Sammy，thatifyourgovernordon’tproveaalleybi，he’llbewhattheItalianscallreg’larlyflummoxed，andthat’sallaboutit。
AstheelderMr。WellerentertainedafirmandunalterableconvictionthattheOldBaileywasthesupremecourtofjudicatureinthiscountry，andthatitsrulesandformsofproceedingregulatedandcontrolledthepracticeofallothercourtsofjusticewhatsoever，hetotallydisregardedtheassurancesandargumentsofhisson，tendingtoshowthatthealibiwasinadmissible。andvehementlyprotestedthatMr。Pickwickwasbeingwictimised。Findingthatitwasofnousetodiscussthematterfurther，Samchangedthesubject，andinquiredwhatthesecondtopicwas，onwhichhisreversedparentwishedtoconsulthim。
That’sapointo’domesticpolicy，Sammy，saidMr。Weller。ThishereStiggins——
Red-nosedman？inquiredSam。
Thewerysame，repliedMr。Weller。Thisherered-nosedman，Sammy，wisitsyourmother-in-lawvithakindnessandconstancyasIneverseeequalled。He’ssitchafriendo’thefamily，Sammy，thatwenhe’savayfromus，hecan’tbecomfortableunlesshehassomethin’torememberusby。
AndI’dgivehimsomethin’as’udturpentineandbees’-vaxhismemoryforthenexttenyearsorso，ifIwosyou，interposedSam。
Stopaminute，saidMr。Weller。Iwosagoingtosay，healwaysbringsnow，aflatbottleasholdsaboutapintanda-half，andfillsitviththepine-applerumaforehegoesavay。
Andemptiesitaforehecomesback，Is’pose？saidSam。
Clean！repliedMr。Weller。neverleavesnothin’initbutthecorkandthesmell。trusthimforthat，Sammy。Now，theseherefellows，myboy，areagoin’to-nighttogetupthemonthlymeetin’o’theBrickLaneBrancho’theUnitedGrandJunctionEbenezerTemperanceAssociation。Yourmother-in-lawwosagoin’，Sammy，butshe’sgottherheumatics，andcan’t。andI，Sammy——I’vegotthetwoticketsaswossenther。Mr。Wellercommunicatedthissecretwithgreatglee，andwinkedsoindefatigablyafterdoingso，thatSambegantothinkhemusthavegottheticdoloureuxinhisrighteye-lid。
Well？saidthatyounggentleman。
Well，continuedhisprogenitor，lookingroundhimverycautiously，youandI’llgo，punctiwaltothetime。Thedeputyshepherdwon’t，Sammy。
thedeputyshepherdwon’t。HereMr。Wellerwasseizedwithaparoxysmofchuckles，whichgraduallyterminatedinasnearanapproachtoachokeasanelderlygentlemancan，withsafety，sustain。
Well，Ineverseesitchanoldghostinallmyborndays，exclaimedSam，rubbingtheoldgentleman’sback，hardenoughtosethimonfirewiththefriction。Whatareyoualaughin’at，corpilence？
Hush！Sammy，saidMr。Weller，lookingroundhimwithincreasedcaution，andspeakinginawhisper：Twofriendso’mine，asworkstheOxfordRoad，andisuptoallkindso’games，hasgotthedeputyshepherdsafeintow，Sammy。andvenhedoescometotheEbenezerJunctionvichhe’ssuretodo：forthey’llseehimtothedoor，andshovehiminifnecessary，he’llbeasfargoneinrumandwateraseverhewosattheMarkiso’Granby，Dorkin’，andthat’snotsayin’alittleneither。Andwiththis，Mr。Welleroncemorelaughedimmoderately，andoncemorerelapsedintoastateofpartialsuffocation，inconsequence。
NothingcouldhavebeenmoreinaccordancewithSamWeller’sfeelings，thantheprojectedexposureoftherealpropensitiesandqualitiesofthered-nosedman。anditbeingveryneartheappointedhourofmeeting，thefatherandsontooktheirwayatoncetoBrickLane：Samnotforgettingtodrophisletterintoageneralpost-officeastheywalkedalong。
ThemonthlymeetingsoftheBrickLaneBranchoftheUnitedGrandJunctionEbenezerTemperanceAssociation，wereheldinalargeroom，pleasantlyandairilysituatedatthetopofasafeandcommodiousladder。Thepresidentwasthestraight-walkingMr。AnthonyHumm，aconvertedfireman，nowaschoolmaster，andoccasionallyanitinerantpreacher。andthesecretarywasMr。JonasMudge，chandler’sshop-keeper，anenthusiasticanddisinterestedvessel，whosoldteatothemembers。Previoustothecommencementofbusiness，theladiessatuponforms，anddranktea，tillsuchtimeastheyconsidereditexpedienttoleaveoff。andalargewoodenmoney-boxwasconspicuouslyplaceduponthegreenbaizeclothofthebusinesstable，behindwhichthesecretarystood，andacknowledged，withagracioussmile，everyadditiontotherichveinofcopperwhichlayconcealedwithin。
Onthisparticularoccasionthewomendrankteatoamostalarmingextent。
greatlytothehorrorofMr。Wellersenior，who，utterlyregardlessofallSam’sadmonitorynudgings，staredabouthimineverydirectionwiththemostundisguisedastonishment。
Sammy，whisperedMr。Weller，ifsomeo’theseherepeopledon’twanttappin’to-morrowmornin’，Iain’tyourfather，andthat’swotitis。Why，thishereoldladynextmeisadrowndin’herselfintea。