Beforethevigilofthatnightwasover,hedecidedthathecouldnotmeeteitherIdaMayheworJennieBurtonagain.HebelievedthatIdaMayhewunderstoodhimonlytoowellnow,andthatshethoroughlydespisedhim.Indeed,fromhermannerofpassinghim,hedoubtedwhethershewillinglywouldspeaktohimagain,forherveilhadpreventedhimfromseeingthepallorandtracesofgriefwhichshewassoanxioustohide.Inhismorbidlysensitivestate,itseemedadeliberatebutjustwithdrawalofevenheracquaintance.
HefeltthatthebriefdreamofIdaMayhewwasoverforever,andthatshewouldindeedkeepthepricelesskingdomofherheartfromhimaboveallothers.Hebelievedthatnow,afterherconversationwithStanton,sheclearlysawthattheabsurdlyardentfriendshiphehadurgeduponherwasonlytheincipientstageofanewpassioninaficklewretchwhohaddaredtotriflewithagirllikeJennieBurton——amaidenthat,ofallothersintheworld,amanofhonorwouldshield.
AsforMissBurtonherself,nowthatherealizedhissituation,hefeltthathecouldneverlookherinthefaceagain.Totrytoresumehisoldrelationsseemedtobeimpossible.Heneverhadandnevercouldsaytoherawordthatheknewwasinsincere.Besides,hewassurethatsuchaneffortwouldbefutile,forshewoulddetecthishollownessatonce,andhefearedaglanceofscornfromherblueeyesmorethanthelightningofheaven.HeresolvedtoleavetheLakeHouseonMonday,andfromNewYorkwritetoMissBurtontheunvarnishedtruth,assuringherthatheknewhimselftobeunworthyeventospeaktoheragain.Then,assoonashecouldcompletehispreparations,hewouldgoabroadandgivehimselfwhollytohisart.
Havingcometotheseconclusions,hestolebyasideentrancelikeaguiltyshadowtohisroomandtriedtoobtainsuchrestasispossibletothosewhoareinthehellofmentaltorment.Afteranearlybreakfastthefollowingmorning,hestartedforthemountains,andnowildbeastthateverroamedthemwouldhavetornhimmorepitilesslythandidhisownoutragedsenseofhonorandmanhood.
Hereturnedlateintheevening,wearyandfaint,andwiththefurtivenessofanoutlaw,againreachedhisroomwithoutmeetingthosewhomhesowishedtoavoid.Aftertheheavy,unrefreshingsleepofutterexhaustionheoncemoreleftthehouseearly,withhissketch-bookinhandtodisguisehispurpose,foritwashisintentiontovisittheoldgardenbeforehefinallyleftthescenestowhichhehadbeenledbyfollowingamerefreakoffancy.HelearnedfromoneofMr.Eltinge\'sworkmanthattheoldgentlemanwouldbeabsentfromhometheentireday,andthusfeelingsecurefrominterruption,heenteredthequite,shadyplaceinwhichhadbegunthesymphonywhichwasnowendinginsuchharshdiscord.
Seeingthathewasalonehethrewhimselfintotherusticseat,andburyinghisfaceinhishands,soonbecameunconsciousofthelapseoftimeinhispainfulrevery.
ChapterLII.AnIlluminedFace.
Ida\'sexpressionandmannerwhenshecamedowntobreakfastonSabbathmorning,remindedMissBurtonofthetimewhenthepoorgirlbelievedthatthemansheloved,bothdespisedandmisjudgedher.Andyettherewasavitaldifference.Thenshewasicyanddefiant;now,withallandmorethantheoldsadness,therewasanaspectofhumilityandgentlenesswhichhadneverbeenseeninformertimes,butthewomanwhoshouldhavebeensogladtocheerherandremoveallmisunderstandingsfoundthatshewasabsolutelyunapproachableexceptbyasortofsocialviolenceofwhichJennieBurtonwasnotcapable.Ida\'seffort——whichwasbutpartiallysuccessful——tobebraveandevencheerfulforherfather\'ssake,causedMr.Mayhewmorethanoncetogoawaybyhimselfinordertohidehisfeelings.Mrs.Mayhewbecamemoreandmoremystifiedanduncomfortable.Shehadenjoyed,inhercold-bloodedway,atranquil,gossipyweekduringherdaughter\'sandhusband\'sabsence,butnowshefeltasifsomekindofadomesticconvulsionmightoccuranymoment.
\"Idon\'tseewhypeoplehavetomakesuchafussoverlife,\"shecomplained.\"Iftheywouldonlydowhatwasstylish,properandreligioustheywouldn\'thaveanytrouble,\"andthestrongandnotwhollyrepressedfeelingofIdaandherfather,ofwhichshewasuncomfortablyconscious,seemedtoherabsurdanduncalledfor.
Likethemajorityofmatter-of-factpeople,shehadnopatienceorcharityforemotionordeepregret.\"Dotheproperthingunderthecircumstancesandletthatendthematter,\"wasoneofherfavoritesayings.
StantonlearnedfromMr.BurleighthatVanBerghadgoneonamountaintramp,and,whenhetoldIda,hopewhisperedtoher,\"IfhelovedJennieBurtonorfeltthathecouldreturntoherside,hewouldnotdothatafterhislongabsence.\"
Butwhenhedidnotreturntosuppershebegantodroopandbecomepalelikeaflowergrowingintoodenseashade.Shewasgladwhentheinterminabledaycametoanendandshecouldshutherselfawayfromeveryone,fortherearewoundswhichtheheartwouldhideevenfromtheeyesofloveandsympathy.IthadbeenarrangedduringthedaythatMr.Mayhewshouldfindanotherplaceatwhichtospendhisvacation,andthatasearlyintheweekaspossibleStantonshouldtakehiswifeanddaughterthither.
WhenatlastpoorIdasleptshedreamtthatshewassailingonabeautifulyachtwithsilvercanvasandcrimsonflags——thatVanBergstoodathersidepointingtoalovelyislandwhichtheywererapidlyapproaching.Thenasuddengustofwindsweptheroverboardandshewassinking,sinkingtillthewatersbecamesocoldanddarkthatsheawokewithacryofterror.\"Oh,\"shesobbed,\"mydreamistrue!mydreamistrue!\"
Mr.Mayhewreturnedtothecityinthemorning,leavinghisdaughterveryreluctantly,andIda,asearlyaspossible,setoutagaininthelowphaetontovisitMr.Eltinge,forneverbeforehadshefeltagreaterneedofhiscounselandhelp.Tearscameintohereyeswheninformedofhisabsence.\"Everythingisagainstme,\"shemurmured;butshedecidedtospendsometimeinthegardenbeforeshereturned.Shehadalmostreachedtherusticseatwhenaturninthewalkrevealedthatitwasoccupied.Herfirstimpulsewastoretreathastily,butobservingthatVanBerghadnotheardherlightstep,shehesitated.Then,hisattitudeofutterdejectionsowonhersympathythatshecouldnotleavehimwithoutspeaking,forsherememberedhowsorelyinneedsheoncehadbeenofareassuringword.Moreover,herheartsaid,\"Speaktohim;\"hopecried,\"Stay;\"andhertemptationtowinhimifpossible,rightorwrong,sprangupwithtenfoldpowerandwhispered:\"ThemanwhomJennieBurtonwelcomedsocordiallySaturdayeveningwouldnotwearthisaspectifhehadthepowertoreturnreadilytohersideagain.\"Stillshehesitatedandfounditalmostashardtoobtainwordsorcouragenowaswhenshesawhimpullingaparttheworm-eatenrosebud.Atlastshefaltered:
\"Mr.VanBerg,areyouill?\"
Hestartedtohisfeetwithadazedlookandpassedhishandacrosshisbrow——thesamegestureshesowellrememberedseeinghimmakeatthecloseofthehappyeveninghehadspentatherhome.Asherealizedthatthemaidenbeforehimwasfleshandblood,andnotacreationofhismorbidfancy,thehotbloodrushedswiftlyintohisface,andhiseyesfellbeforeher.
\"Yes,MissMayhew,Iam,\"hesaid,briefly.
\"Iamverysorry.CanInotdoanythingforyou?\"sheasked,kindly.
Helookedupatherinstrongsurprise,andwasstillmoreperplexedbythesympatheticexpressionofherface,butheonlysaid,\"I
regrettosayyoucannot.\"
\"Mr.VanBerg,\"saidIda,intonesfullofdistress,\"yourwordsandappearancepainmeexceedingly.Youlookasifyouhadbeenillamonth.Whathashappened?\"Hisaspectmighttroubleonelessinterestedinhimthanherself,forhiseyeswereblood-shot,andhehadbecomesohaggardthatshecouldscarcelyrealizethathewasthemanwhobutfourdaysprevioushadcomparedhisheartymerrimentwiththe\"laughterofthegods.\"
\"MissMayhew,\"hesaid,bitterlyandslowly,too,asifhewerecarefullychoosinghiswords,\"youhadapresentimentlastSaturdaythatsomeevilwasabouttohappen.AsfarasIamconcernedtheworsthashappened.Ihavelostmyself-respect.Ihavenorighttostandhereinyourpresence.Ihavenorighttobeinthisplaceeven.Ioncetossedawayalittleflowerthathadbeensadlymarred,throughnofaultofitsown,andasIdidsoIsaidinmyprideandself-complacencythatitsimperfectionjustifiedmyact.
Youunderstoodmetoowell,andmyaccursedPhariseeismwoundedyourveryheart.Youafterwardsgenerouslyforgavemyoffenceandaworseone,butGodisjustandIamnowpunishedintheseverestpossibleway.Iperceivenowthatyoudonotunderstandme,oryoucouldnotlookandspeaksokindly.Ithoughtyouhadlearnedmebetter,foryouspokewordsontheboatthatpiercedmyverysoul,revealingmetomyself,andlateryoupassedmewithoutaglance.
Youwererightinbothinstances.Youarewrongnow,andishallnottakeadvantageofyourpresentignorance,whichcircumstanceswillsoonremove.Irepeatit,MissMayhew,Ihavenorighttobehereandspeakingtoyou,andyet\"——hemadeapassionateanddespairinggesture,andwasabouttoturnhastilyaway,whenIdasaid,earnestly,withhereyesfixedonhisface,aswasherinstinctivecustomwhenshesoughttolearnmorefromtheexpressionofthespeakerthanfromhiswords:
\"Mr.VanBerg,beforewepart,answermeonequestion.Haveyoudeliberatelyandselfishlyintendedtodowrong,ortowronganyone?\"
\"No,\"hepromptlyrepliedmeeting,hersearchinglookunhesitatingly.
Then,withanimpatientgesture,headded:\"Butnoonewilleverbelieveit.\"
\"Ibelieveit,\"shesaidwithareassuringsmile.
\"You?Youofallothers?Butyouaretalkingatrandom,MissMayhew.Whenyoulearnthetruthyouwilllookandspeakverydifferently.Andyoushalllearnitnow.Youoncetoldmeofawickedanddesperatepurposetowhichyouweredrivenbythewrongofothers.YoursinseemstomeadeedoflightcomparedwiththeactIhavebeenledtocommit,undertheguidanceofmyproudreason,mysuperiorjudgement,mycool,well-balancednature——infernallycoolitwas,indeed!Pardonme,butIambesidemyselfwithrageandself-loathing.True,Ihavenotbeenintentionallyfalse,buttherearecircumstancesinwhichfolly,weakness,andstupidblunderingarenearlyasbad,andtheresultsquiteasbad.Whatcanyousayofthemanwhopaysopensuitandmakesadistinctofferandpledgetoalady,andtheretreatsfromthatsuitandbreaksthatpledge,andthroughnofaultwhateverintheladyherself?
Whatcanyousayofthatmanwhentheladyisapoorandorphanedgirl,whomanyonewithasparkofhonorwouldshieldwithhislife,butthatheisabase,ficklewretch,whodeservesthecontemptofallgoodmenandwomen,andthatheoughttobe——asheshallbe——avagabondonthefaceoftheearth?\"
IdahadburiedherfaceinherhandsasshelearnedhowthoroughlyVanBerghadcommittedhimselftoMissBurton,andtheartistconcluded,abruptly:\"Onethingiscertain,hehasnorighttobehere.Ishallnotwaitandseeyourlookofscorn,or——worse——ofpity,forIcouldnotendureit,\"andhesnatcheduphissketch-bookandwasabouttohastenfromtheplace,whenIdasprangforwardandsaidpassionately:
\"Wait.Thisisallwrong.Answermethis——whenyoudiscoveredtheawfulcrime,whichinheartIhadalreadycommitted,howdidyoutreatme?\"
\"Yourpurposewaswicked,butnotbase.\"
\"Youhavenotintendedtobeeitherbaseorwicked,\"shebegan.
\"Hush!\"heinterruptedsternly,\"youshallnotpalliatemyweaknessbysmoothwords,andtoaman,weaknessandstupidity,insomecircumstances,aremorecontemptiblethancrime.Oh,howIenvyStanton!Hiscoursehasbeenstraightforward,noble,regal——Ihaveactedlikeoneofthe\'canaille.\'\"
\"Youdeeplyregretthen,thatyourfeelingshavesochangedtowardsMissBurton?\"saidIda,withhereyesagainfasteneduponhisface.
\"Idonotthinkmyfeelingshavechangedtowardsher,\"hereplied;
\"sheisadmirable,perfect,andIhonorherfromthedepthsofmyheart.Don\'tyousee?Imistookmydeeprespect,sympathy,andadmirationforsomethingmore,andIsmiledcomplacentlyinmysuperiorwayandflatteredmyselfthatitwasinthiseminentlywell-bredandrationalmannerthatHaroldVanBergwouldpayhisaddressestoalady,andthatStanton\'sabsorbingpassionwasonlytheresultofungoverned,unbalancednature——accursedprigthatI
was!WhileinthisverycomplacentandsuperiorconditionofmindIcommittedmyselftoacoursethatIcannotcarryout,andyetmyfailuretodososlaysmyhonorandself-respect.Now,Ihavebeenasexplicitwithyouasyouwerewithme,andwithwhatyouhaveseenofyourself,youknowthewholemiserabletruth.Byastrangefatewewhoonlymetafewmonthssincehavecometoshareacommon,verysadknowledge.Thememoryofyourownpast,andIsuppose,yourChristianfaithalso,havemadeyouverymercifulandgenerous,butIshalltaxthesequalitiesnofurther.\"
\"Whatwillyoudo,Mr.VanBerg?\"Idaaskedinsuddendread.
\"IshallneverlookMissBurtoninthefaceagain,andafterIhavewrittentohersimplyandbrieflywhatIhavetoldyou,herregretwillbesmallindeed.Good-by,MissMayhew.IfIstayanylongerImayspeakwordstoyouthatwouldbeinsults,comingfromme.\"
\"Stay,\"shesaid,earnestly,\"Ihavesomethingveryimportanttosaytoyou.\"
Hehesitatedandlookedatherinstrongsurprise.
\"Givemeafewminutestothink,\"shepleaded,andhesaw,fromthequickriseandfallofherbosomandthenervousclaspofherhands,thatshewasdeeplyagitated.SheturnedfromhimandlookedwistfullyattheyoungtreeonwhichshehadinscribedhernamethedayshehadpromisedMr.Eltingetoreceiveallheavenlyinfluencesandguidance.Shesoonliftedhereyesabovethetreeandherlipsmovedinearnestprayerasevercamefromahumanheart.Shewasfacingthesoresttemptationofherlife,forshehadonlytobesilentnow,shebelieved,andthesuccessofhereffortstowinhimfromJennieBurtonwouldbecomplete.Iflefttohimselfinthiswild,distractedmoodhewouldindeedbreakeverytiethatboundhimtoherrival;butaftertimehadbluntedhispoignantself-condemnationhewouldinevitablycomebacktoher.Theconsciencewhispered:\"Whoforgaveyouhere?Whatdidyoupromisehere?Whatdoesthattreemeanwithitsbranchesreachingouttowardsheaven?WhatwouldyouthinkofJennieBurtonwereshetryingtowinhimfromyou?\"
\"OFriendoftheweak!bethoughmystrengthinthismomentofdesperateneed,\"shesighed.
VanBergwatchedherwithincreasingwonder,andhisheartbeatthickandfastassheatlastturnedtohimwithanexpressionsuchasheneverhadseenbeforeonahumanface.Wasittheautumnsunlightthatilluminedherfeatures?Helearnedeventuallythatitwasthespiritualradianceofthenoblestself-sacrificeofwhichawomaniscapable.
\"Mr.VanBerg,\"shesaid,intonesthatwerequietandfirm,\"pleasetakeMr.Eltinge\'sseat,forIwishtospeaktoyouasafriend.\"
Heobeyedmechanically,withoutremovinghiseyesfromherface.
\"Ioncetookcounselofpassionanddespair,\"sheresumed,\"andyouknowwhatmighthaveresulted,butonthisspotGodforgavemeandIpromisedtotrytodoright.WithshameIconfessIhavenotfullykeptthatpromise,butIshalltrytodosohereafter,betheconsequenceswhattheymay.Pardonmeforspeakingsoplainly,butyouarenowtakingcounselofpassionandturningyourbackonduty.Whilealmostinsanefromself-reproachandwoundedprideyouaretakingstepsthatmayblastyourownlifeandthelivesofothers.TomymindthereisaninfinitedistancebetweentheerroryounaturallyfellintoinviewofMissBurton\'slovelinessofcharacterandanybaseintent,butevenifIshouldshareinyourharshjudgement——whichInevercan——Iwouldstillsaythatyoucannothelpthepast,andyouarenowboundbyallthat\'ssacredtoaskonlywhatisright,andtodothatateverycosttoyourself.
YouarepledgedtoMissBurton,andyoumustmakegoodyourpledge.\"
\"What!Igotothatsnow-whitemaidenwithalieonmylips!\"heexclaimedindignantly.
\"No!gotoherwithtruthonyourlipsandinyourheart,exceptasinunselfishloyaltytoherandtoyourwordyoumayhidesometruththatwouldgiveherpain.Mr.VanBerg,youwordispledged.
Youhavewonherloveandthisisyouronlyhonorablecourse.Thusfaryouhavenotdoneherintentionalwrong,butifyourushawayfromdutynowincowardlyflightyouwilldoherabitterandfatalwrong,forshelovesyouasonlyfewwomencanlove.Shehasgrownwanandpaleinyourabsence,andittouchedmetothehearttoseeheryesterday,thoughshemadesuchbraveeffortstobecheerfulandtoencouragefather.OGod,forgivemethatI——Gotoherwhenyouhavebecomecalm——yourtrueself.Lovelikeherswilltakewhatyoucangivetillyoucangivemore,andsurelyonesolovelywillsoonwinall.IfeverIhaveseenhumanidolatryinanyfaceithasbeeninhers,andshewillsoonbanishallthiswildpassionfromyourmind.Butbethatasitmayyoumustkeepyourwordifyouwouldkeepmyrespect,andIwouldnotlosemyrespectforyoufortheworld.Iknowyoutoowelltodoubtbutthatyouwilltakeupthissacreddutyandseektoperformitwiththewholestrengthofyourmanhood.\"
NeverforamomenthadVanBergremovedhiseyesfromIda\'sface,andherwordsandmannerseemedbothtoaweandcontrolhim.Asshespoke,hisexpressionbecamequietandstrong,andwhensheconcludedhecametohersideandsaidearnestly:
\"MissMayhew,sinceitisstillpossible,Iwillkeepyourrespect,foritisabsolutelyessentialtome.Godhasindeedgivenyouawoman\'ssoul,andheNEVERMADEANOBLERWOMAN.Youareafriendintruthandnotinname,andyouhavesavedmefrommadlydestroyingmyownfuture,andperhapsthefutureofothers,whichisoffarmoreconsequence.IfIfailinobeyingboththeletterandspiritofyourwordsitwillbebecauseIcannothelpmyself.\"
Herface,whichhadbeensosweetandluminouswithhergenerousimpulseandnoblethoughts,wasgrowingverypalenow,butsheroseandgavehimherhand,sayingwithafaintsmilethatwaslikethefadinglightofevening,\"Iknewyouwouldnotdisappointme;
Iwassureyouwereworthyofmytrust.Letthehonestrightbeourmottohenceforth,andallwillbewellsomeday.Good-by.\"
Hepressedherhandinbothofhisashesaidfervently,\"Godblessyou,IdaMayhew!\"Thenheturnedandhastenedaway,flyingfromhisownweaknessandawomanlylovelinesswhichatthemomentfarexcelledanyidealhehadeverformed.
Hehadscarcelyreachedtheroadbeforeherememberedthathehadlefthissketch-book,andhewentbackforit,butasheturnedthecorneroftheshadypathhestoppedinstantly.Thestrong,clear-eyedmaidenwhohadralliedtheforcesofhisshatteredmanhood,andgivenhimthevantage-groundagaininlife\'sbattle,hadbowedherheadonthearmoftherusticseatandwassobbingconvulsively.Indeed,hergriefwassouncontrollableandpassionatethatinhisverysoulhetrembledbeforeit.
\"Oh,JennieBurton,\"shemoaned,\"itwouldhavebeeneasierformetodieforyouthantogivehimup.Godhelphim——Godhelpmethroughthedreadfulyearstocome!\"
Hisfirstimpulsewastospringtoherside,buthehesitated,andthenwithagestureandlookofinfiniteregretheturnedandstolesilentlyaway.
ChapterLIII.ANight\'sVigil.
AsVanBergleftMr.Eltinge\'sgroundshehadtheaspectofamanwhohadseenavision.Hehadseenmore,forthehumanfaceexpressiveofabsolute,eventhoughbrief,masteryoverevilisanoblerobjectthancanbetheserenevisageofasinlessanduntemptedangel.
AtlastheunderstoodIdaMayhew.Ifhehaddeeplyhonoredherwhenhesupposedthatasasincere,honestfriendonlyshehadspokenherstrong,truewords,whichmightsavehimfromwreckinghislifefromimpulsesofshameandwoundedpride,howinstantaneouslywasthishonorchangedintoreverenceandwonderasherecognizedherself-sacrificeatthedictatesofconscience.Allwasnowperfectlyclear.Thetruthofherlovehadflashedoutfromthedarkcloudofherpassionategrief,andinitswhiteradianceallthebafflingmysteryofherpastactionwasdissipatedinstantly.Nowheknewwhythebrilliantmusicattheconcertgardencouldnotbrightenherface,andtheendofthesymphonysawherintears.NowheunderstoodwhyshecouldnotbeJennieBurton\'sfriend,eventhoughcapableofbecomingamartyrforhersakefromasenseofduty.Thedespairingfarewelllettershehadoncewrittentohimnowbecamefraughtwithadeepermeaning,andhesawthatinthrowingawaytheimperfectrose-bud,andinlookingatherasacreatureakintoSibley,hehadinflictedmortalwoundsonaheartthatgavehimonlyloveinreturn.Inherdesperateefforttoconcealanunsoughtloveshehadsoughtthenearestcovert,andthestainsSibleyhadleftuponherwerenomorehersthanifhehadbeenablackenedwall.Afterallherwoman\'ssoulhadcometoherasintheoldandsimpletimeswhenevenwaternymphshadhearts,andlovewasstillthemightiestforceintheuniverse.
Hisfeelingnowwasfartoodeepforhisformerhalf-frenziedexcitement.Therewasnotatraceofexultationinhismanner,andtherewasindeednogroundforrapture.Onlytheknowledgethathecarriedawayherrespect,andthathewasgoingtotheperformanceofwhathebelievedasacredduty,kepthimfromdespair.
Hedidnotblamehimselfasbitterlyasmighthavebeensupposedthathehadnotdiscoveredhersecretearlier,anditincreasedhisadmirationforher,ifthatwerepossible,thatshehadsocarefullymaintainedhermaidenlyreserve.Aconceitedman,oratleastamanwhosesoulwasinfestedwiththemeanestkindofconceit——thatofimaginingthatthewomanwhogiveshimafriendlywordorsmileisdisposedtothrowherselfintohisarms——wouldnodoubthavesurmisedhersecretbefore;butalthoughVanBergwasintenselyproud,aswehaveseen,andhadbeenrenderedself-complacentandself-confidentbythecircumstancesofhislot,hehadnoneofthiscontemptiblevanity.ThediscoveryofIda\'slovecausedhimfargreatersurprisethanwhenherecognizedhisown,anditwasasourceofdeepsatisfactiontohimthatthismodernandconventionalUndinehadreceivedanatureofsuchtrueandwomanlydelicacythatithadledhertoconcealherlovelikethetrailing-arbutusthathidesitsfragrantblossomsunderfallenleaves.
Thelighthadbeensoclearthatheevensawthetemptationwhichheunconsciouslyhadsuggestedtoherwhileinthecity.Unlikethelittlevioletthatweaklyboweditsheadanddiedbecausethebrookwouldnotstop,shehadresolutelysetaboutthetaskofmakinghimstop,andyetneverlethimsuspectthatshewasevenlookingathim.Henceherattempttopenetratethewildernessofknowledgewhichwasatoncesopatheticandcomical;hencealsoherwishtolearntheauthorsandsubjectswhichinterestedhim.
\"AndshehadeveryreasontobelievethatshemighthavewonmefromtheonehonorableallegianceIcangive,\"heexclaimed,indeephumiliation,\"andprobablyshewouldhavedonesoeventuallyhadshenotactedliekasaintratherthanawoman.I\'velostfaithutterlyinHaroldVanBerg,anditwillrequireagreatmanyyearstoregainit.\"
Whenhereachedadensetractofwoodlandthroughwhichtheroadran,heconcealedhimselfandwaitedtillsheshouldpass.Twohourselapsedbeforeshedidso.Thepassionategriefthathadoverwhelmedherwasnoslightandpassinggust.Hesawthatsheleanedbackweaklyandlanguidlyinthephaeton,andhadhiddenherfacebyavailofdoublethickness.Hefollowedheratadistancefartoogreatforrecognitionuntilsheenteredthehotel,andthensoughttoobtainalittlerestandfoodatthenearestvillageinn;forhefoundnowthathisfierceparoxysmofrageandmentaltormentwasover,hehadbecomeveryfaintandexhausted.Afterhehadregainedsomewhatthepowertothinkandact,heturnedhisstepstowardsanarrow,secludedravine,aboutamilefromthehotel,knowingthatherehewouldfindthedeepestsolitudeinwhichtogrowcalmandpreparehimselfforthequietself-sacrificeofwhichIdahadgiventheexample,andwhichnoeyemustbeabletodetectsavehistowhomthesecretsofallheartsareopen.
Hemadenoefforttofollowanypath,butsprangcarelesslyandrapidlydownthesteephillside.Whenhehadalmostreachedthebottomoftheravine,hisfootslippedonarockhalfhiddenbyleaves,andhefellandrolledhelplesslydown.Beforehecouldrecoverhimself,therock,whichhadbeenlooselyimbeddedinthesoilandwhichhisfoothadstrucksoheavily,rolledafterhimandonhislegandfoot.Insuddenandincreasingdismay,hefoundthathecouldnotextricatehimself.Thestonewouldhavebeenbeyondhisabilitytoliftevenifhehadthefulluseofallhispowers;buthewasheldinapositionthatgavehimverylittlechancetoexerthisstrength.
Whenhefoundthatitwasutterlyimpossibletopushthestoneaway,hetriedtoexcavatetheearth,bymeansofsticksandhissmallpocket-knife,fromunderhisleg,butsoonfound,withasenseofmortalfear,thathislimbwasrestinginalittledepressionbetweentwootherlargerocksdeeplyimbeddedinthebottomoftheravine.Thisdepression,andthesoft,dryleaveswhichhadcovereditlikeacushion,preventedthestonefromcrushinghislimbandfoot,butalsoheldhiminasortofnaturalsock.
Astheseappallingfactsbecameclear,hesawthathewasinimminentdangerofdeathbystarvation.Thenaworsefearthanthatchilledhisverysoul.Hemightdieinthatlonelyspotandneverbediscovered.Theprowlingverminofthenightmighttearawayhisflesh,anddraghisboneshitherandthither,tilltheleavesthatnowwouldsoonfallcoveredthemforeverfromsightandknowledge;
butIdaMayhew,andtheorphangirltowhomhishonorboundhim,wouldthinkthathehadbrokenhispledges,andwasintruthavagabondontheearth——eatinganddrinking,rioting,perhapsinignobleobscurity.Theprospectmadehimsickandfaintforatime,forthatwhichinhisfirstblindsenseofshamehehadproposedtodo,nowthathehadheardIda\'sheaven-inspiredwords,seemedbaseandcowardlytothelastdegree.Ifshehadnotbroughttohimsaneandquietthought,hewouldhavegrimlysaidtohimselfthatfatehadtakenhimoutofhisdilemmainafittingway,punishinganddestroyinghimatoneandthesametime;butnowtodieandforeverseemunworthyofthetrustofthewomanhesolovedandreveredwasakindofeternalpunishmentinitself.HecalledandshoutedwithdesperateenergyforaidbutthefresheningwindofearlySeptemberrustledmillionsofleavesintheforestaroundhimanddrownedhisvoice.Hesoonrealizedthatonestandingonthebankjustabovehimwouldscarcelybeabletohear,eventhoughlistening.Oh,whywouldthatremorselesswindblowsosteadily!
Wastherenopityinnature?
Theninafrenzyhestruggledandwrenchedhislegtillitwasbruisedandbleeding,buttherockygripwouldnotyield.Hesoonbegantoconsiderthathewasexhaustinghimselfandthuslesseninghischancesofescape,andhelayquietlyonhissideandtriedtothinkhowlonghecouldsurvive,andnowdeeplyregrettedthathiswildpassionforthepasttwodayshaddrawnsolargelyonhisvitalpowers.Already,afterbutanhour\'sdurance,hewasweakandfaint.
Thenvariousexpedientstoattractattentionbegantopresentthemselves.Bymeansofastickhedrewdowntheoverhangingbranchofatreeandtiedtoithishandkerchief.Healsomanagedtoinsertastickinthegroundnearhim,andonitstopplacedhishat,buthesawthattheycouldnotbeseenthroughthethickundergrowthatanygreatdistance.Thenmoredeliberately,andwithanefforttoeconomizehisstrength,heagainattemptedtounderminetherocksonwhichhislegrested,butfoundthattheyranunderhimandhopelesslydeep.Atintervalshewouldshoutforhelp,buthiscriesgrewfainterashebecameweakanddiscouraged.
\"OGod,\"hesaid,\"thereisjustthebarechancethatsomeonemaystumbleuponme,andthatisall;\"andastheglenfellintodeeperanddeepershadowinthedecliningday,evenmoreswiftlyitseemedtohimthattheshadowofdeathwasdarkeningabouthim.
Atlastthebarkofsquirrelsandthechirpandtwitterofbirdsthathauntedthelonelyplaceceasedanditwasnight.Onlythenotesoffallinsectsintheirmonotonousandceaselessiterationwereheardabovethesighingwind,whichnowsoundedlikearequiemtothedisheartenedman.Suddenlyagreatowlflappedheavilyoverhim,andlightinginatreenearby,beganitsdiscordanthootings.
\"That\'sanomenofdeath,\"hemuttered,grimly.Thenatlast,inuncontrollableirritation,heshouted,\"Curseyou,begone!\"andtheill-bodingbirdflappedawaywithastartledscreech,thattoVanBerg\'smorbidfancywaslikeademon\'slaugh.Butitalightedagainalittlefurtheroffanddrovehimhalfwildwithitsdismalcries.Atlasttherewasaradianceamongthetreesontheeasternsideoftheravine,andsoonthemoonroseclearandbright;thewindwentdown,andexceptthe\"audiblesilence\"ofinsectsoundsallwasstill.Natureseemedtohimholdingherbreathinsuspense,waitingfortheend.Hecalledoutfromtimetotimetill,fromthelatenessofthehour,heknewthatitwasutterlyuseless.
Hebeganinadreamyway,towonderifIdahadmissedhimyetandwassurprisedthathehadnotreturned.Hethoughthowstrange,howunaccountableeven,hisconductmustappeartoMissBurton,andhowverydifficultitwouldhavebeentoexplainitatbest.
\"Idawaswrong,however,inthinkingthatitisformethatsheisgrievingsodeeply,\"hemurmured,\"althoughshemayberightinbelievingthatIhaveraisedhopesinJennie\'smindofahappierfuture,whentimehadhealedthewoundsmadeinthepast.IfI
hadlived,ifbyanyhappychanceIDOlive,myonlycoursewillbetomaintainthecharacterofafrienduntilshegivesupthepastforthesakeofwhatIcanoffer.Inacertainsensewewillbeonequalfooting,forherloverisdeadandmyloveisthesameasdeadtome.Butwhatistheuseofsuchthoughts!Ishallbedeadtothembothinafewhoursmore,andwhatisfarworse,despisedbythemboth,\"andforthefirsttimeinallthatawfulvigilbittertearsrolleddownhischeeks.
Then,slowlyandminutely,hewentoverallthathadoccurredduringthateventfulsummer.Hefoundamelancholypleasurewhichservedtobeguiletheinterminablehoursofpain——fornowhislegandunnaturalpositionbegantocauseveryseveresuffering——inportrayingtohimselfthechangesinIda\'smindandcharacterfromthehouroftheirfirstmeeting,anditseemedtohimverymysteriousindeedthatthethreadofhislifeshouldhavebeencaughtinhersbythatmerecasualglanceattheconcertgarden,andthenthatitshouldhavebeensostrangelyandintimatelywovenwithhersonlytobesnappedatlastinthisuntimelyandmeaninglessfashion.Hegroaned,\"itsallmorelikethemaliciousingenuityofafiendseekingtocausetheweakhumanpuppetsthatitmisleadsthegreatestamountofsuffering,thanlikethehap-hazardofablindfate,ortheworkofakindandgoodGod.Oh,ifIhadonlywaitedtillmyUndinereceivedherwoman\'ssoul,whataheavenImighthavehadonearth!Shewouldhavefilledmystudiowithlightandbeauty,andmylifewithhonorandhappiness.Never,neverwasthereamorecruelfatethanmine!Ishalldie,andmyonlyburialwillbetheinfamywhichwillcovermymemoryforever.\"
Then,withadrearysinkingofheart,hismindrevertedtothelongfuturebeforehimthatwasnowsoterriblyvagueanddark.Intheconsciousnessofsolitudeandinordertobreaktheoppressivestillness,hespokealoudatintervalsbetweenhisparoxysmsofpain.\"Afterall,whatisdying?Iknowhowdeeplyrootedinthehumanmindisthebeliefthatitisonlyadeparturetoanotherplaceandadifferentconditionoflife.Canaconvictionthathasbeenuniversalinallagesandamongallpeoplesbeadelusion?
Thenwhoeverorwhatevercreatedhumannaturebuiltitonalie.
Thisaccursedrockhasfallenonmybody,andholdsitasifitwereamereclodofearth,asitsoonmaybe;butitdoesnotholdmymind.Mythoughtshavefollowedfatheranddear,dearmother,andsisterLauraacrosstheseaahundredtimesto-night.Butoh,howstrangelymythoughtscomebackfromeveryone——everythingtothatdearsaintwhosacrificedherselfformeto-day——AndyetI\'mleavingher,I\'mleavingall.WhitheramIgoing?It\'salldark,DARK;vagueanddreary.Oh,thatIhadhersimplefaith!Whethertrueornoitwouldbeaninfinitecomfortnow.Whatdidshesay?——\'I\'vefoundaFriendpledgedtotakecareofme.\'ThatisallIwouldask.IwouldnotbeafraidtogooutintothisgreatuniverseifIonlyhadsuchaFriendasshebelievesin,waitingtoreceiveme.Whocareshowstrangeaplacemaybeifalovedfriendmeetsandgreetsus.Buttogoalone,andawayfromsomuchtowhichmyheartclings——oh,itisawful!awful!——
\"Amancan\'tdie,oughtnottodie,likeastupidbeastunlessheisabeastonly;norshoulddeathdragusliketremblingcaptivesfromtheshoresoftime.AndyetImustdooneofthreethings:
eitherwaithelplesslyandintremblingexpectancy,ortakecouselofpride,andstubbornlyandsullenlymeetthefuture,orelseappealtoIda\'sFriend.Itseemsmeanbusinesstodothelastnowinmyextremity,butIwellknowthatIdawouldcounselit,andbyreachingherFriendImayatsometimeinthefuturereachheragain.Iknowwellhowmymother——wereIdying——wouldurgemetolooktohim,whomsheinloyalfaithworshipsdaily,andthusImayseeheroncemore.TheBibleteacheshowmanyintheirextremitylookedtoChristandhehelpedthem.Butthentheyhadnotknownabouthim,andcoldlyandalmostcontemptuouslyneglectedhimforyearsasIhave.Oh,whathasmyreason,ofwhichIhavebeensoproud,doneforme,saveblastmyearthlylifewithfolly,andpermittedtheneglectofallpreparationforaneternallife.Ifeveraself-confidentmanwastaughthowutterlyincapablehewasofmeetingeventsandquestionsthatmightoccurwithinafewbriefdays,Iamhe,andyet,vainfoolthatIwas!IwaspracticallyactingasifIcouldmeetallthatwouldhappentoalleternityinacool,well-bred,masterfulway.Pooruntrained,untaughtIdaMayhewsaidshehad\'foundaFriendpledgedtotakecareofher,\'
andhehastakencareofher.Hehasmadeherlifetrue,noble,heroic,beneficent.Iwascontenttotakecareofmyself,andthisistheresult.Godmightwellturnawayindisgustfromanyprayerofminenow,butmayIbeaccursedifIdonotbecomeaChristianman,ifbyanymeansInowescapedeath!\"
Butinhisintenselongingtoseeagainthosehelovedsowell,andtellthemthathehadnotbaselybrokenhispledgesandfledlikeacowardfromduty,hedidpraywithalltheagonizedearnestnessofasoulclingingtotheonehopethatintervenedbetweenitselfandutterdespair,butthemoonmovedonserenelyandsankamongthetreesonthewesternbankoftheravine.Thenightdarkenedagainandthestarscameoutmoreclearlywiththeircolddistantglitter.Nature\'sbreathlesshushandexpectancycontinued,andtherewasnosoundwithoutandnoanswerwithintheheartofthedespairingman.Atlast,inweaknessanddiscouragement,hemoaned: