Itistheheterogeneouscharacterofthebuildingsdowntownthatrendersourstreetssohideous。Farfromseekingharmony,buildersseemtobetryingto\"go\"eachother\"onestorybetter\";iftheycanbelittleaneighborintheprocessitiscleargain,andsomuchadvertisement。CertainblocksonlowerBroadwayaregemsinthisway!Anyonewhohasglancedatanauctioneer’sshelveswhena\"joblot\"ofbooksisbeingsold,willdoubtlesshavenoticedtheirresemblancetothesidewalksofourdowntownstreets。Daintylittleduodecimobuildingsaresqueezedinbetweentoweringin—
folios,andrichlyboundandtooledoctavoschumwithcheapeditions。OurcarelessCityFathershavenotevengiventhemselvesthetroubleofpushingtheirstoneandbrickvolumesintothesameline,butallowthemtostragglealongtheshelf—Ibegpardon,thesidewalk—accordingtotheirownsweetwill。
Theresemblanceofmostnewbusinessbuildingstoflashybooksincreasesthemoreonestudiesthem;theyhavetheproportionsofschoolatlases,and,likethem,areadornedonlyontheirbacks(readfronts)。Themodernbuilder,likethefrugalbinder,leavesthesidesofhiscreationsunadorned,andexpendshisingenuityindecoratingthenarrowstripwhichhenaivelyimagineswillbetheonlypartseen,calmlyignoringthefactthatonglancingupordownastreetthesidesofhousesarewhatweseefirst。Itisalmostimpossibletogetmathematicallyoppositeabuilding,yetthatistheonlypointfromwhichthesenewconstructionsarenotgrotesque。
Itseemsasthoughtherudimentsofcommonsensewouldsuggestthatunderexistingcircumstancesthelessdecorationputonafacadethegreaterwouldbetheharmonyofthewhole。Buttrifleslikeharmonyandfitnessaresplendidlyignoredbythearchitectsofto—day,who,beitremarkedinpassing,haveslippedintoanothercurioushabitforwhichIshouldgreatlyliketoseeanexplanationoffered。Aslongasthegroundfloorsandthetopsoftheircreationsareelaborate,thedesignerevidentlythinkstheinterveningtwelveorfifteenstoriescanshiftforthemselves。OneclumsymassontheBowlingGreenisanexcellentexampleofthisweakness。ItsgroundfloorisaplayfulreproductionofthetombsofEgypt。
Aboutthesecondstorythearchitectmusthavebecomediscouraged—orperhapstheowner’sfundsgaveout—forthenextdozenfloorsaretreatedintheseverest\"tenementhouse\"
manner;then,ashisbuildingterminateswellupinthesky,atopfloorortwoare,fornoapparentreason,elaboratelyadorned。Indeed,thisdesireforabrilliantfinishpervadestheneighborhood。TheJohnsonBuildingonBroadStreet(tochooseoneoutofthemany)issoberanddiscreetindesignforadozenstories,butburstsatitstopintoaByzantinecolonnade。Why?oneasksinwonder。
Anothernew—comer,cornerofWallandNassauStreets,isacommonplacestructure,withafairlygoodcornice,ontopofwhich—anafterthought,probably—aminiatureStateCapitolhasbeenadded,withdomeandcolonnadecomplete。Theresultrecallsdear,absent—mindedMissMatty(inMrs。Gaskell’scharmingstory),whensheputherbestcapontopofanoldoneandsatsmilingathervisitorsfromunderthedoubleheaddress!
Nowhereintheworld—noteveninMoscow,thatcityofdomes—canoneseesuchacollectionofpagodas,cupolas,kiosks,andturretsasgracetheroofsofourofficebuildings!
Architectsevidentlylookuponsuchadornmentsascompensations!Themorehideousthestructure,thefineritsdome!Havingperpetratedablotuponthecitythatcriestoheaveninitsenormity,therepentantowneraddsapagodaortwo,muchinthesamespirit,doubtless,aspromptsanItalianpeasanttohangavotiveheartonsomefriendlyshrinewhenacrimeliesheavyonhisconscience。
Whatwouldbethoughtofabook—collectorwhotooktostandinginkstandsorpepperboxesonthetopsofhistallestvolumesbywayofadornment?Yetdomesonbusinessbuildingsareeverybitasappropriate。AchoicecollectionofthosemonstrositiesgracesParkRow,onemuch—gildedoffendervaryingthemonotonybylookinglikeayellowstopperinahigh—shoulderedbottle!HowmodernarchitectswiththeexquisiteCityHallbeforethemcouldhavewanderedsofarafieldintheirsearchfortheoriginalmustalwaysremainamystery。
Whenatall,thinbuildinghappenstostandonacorner,thelikenesstoanatlasisreplacedbyagrotesqueresemblancetoawaffleiron,ofwhichonestructurejustfinishedonRectorStreetskilfullyreproduces’thelines。Therowsoflittlewindowswereevidentlyarrangedtoimitatetheindentationsonthathumbleutensil,andtheelevatedroadatthebackseemsinthiscasetododutyasthehandle。Mrs。VanRensselaertellsusinherdelightfulGOEDEVROUWOFMANA—HA—TAthatwaffleironsusedtobeafavoriteweddingpresentamongtheDutchsettlersofthisisland,andwereadornedwithmonogramsandotherdevices,soperhapsitisatavismthatmakesussofondofthisforminbuilding!As,however,nocarefulHAUSFRAUwouldhavestoodherirononitsedge,architectsshouldhesitatebeforeplacingtheirbuildingsinthatposition,astheimpressionofinstabilityisthesameineachcase。
AfterleavingthevicinityoftheCityHall,thetallslabsthatlikemagnifiedmilestonesmarktheprogressofArchitectureupBroadwaybecomeashadelessobjectionable,althoughonemeetssomestrangefreaksinso—calleddecorationbytheway。Why,forinstance,werethoseTitancolumnsgroupedaroundtheentrancetotheAmericanSuretyCompany’sbuilding?Theydonotsupportanything(the\"business\"ofcolumnsinarchitecture)exceptsomeratherfeeblestatuary,anddoseriouslyblocktheentrance。Weretheyaddedwiththeideaoffitness?Thatcanhardlybe,foraporticoisasinappropriatetosuchabuildingasitwouldbetoaparlorcar,andalmostasinconvenient。
Fartheruptownourattentionisarrestedbyanothermisplacedadornment。WhatpurposecanthattombwitharailingrounditserveontopoftheNewYorkLifeInsurancebuilding?ItlookslikeamonumentinGreenwood,surmountedbyarat—trap,butnooneisinterredthere,andvermincanhardlybetroublesomeatthataltitude。
Howdidthiscrazefordecorationoriginate?TheinhabitantsofFlorenceandAthensdidnotconsideritnecessary。Theremust,Ifeelsure,beareasonforitsuseinthiscity;
Americanland—lordsrarelyspendmoneywithoutapurpose;
perhapstheyfindthatrococodetaildrawsbusinessandinspiresconfidence!
IshouldliketoaskthearchitectsofNewYorkonequestion:
Havetheynotbeentaughtthatintheirart,asineveryother,pretencesarevulgar,thatthingsshouldbewhattheyseem?Thenwhydotheycontinuetohidesteelandfire—brickcagesunderaveneerofgranitesixinchesthick,causingthemtoposeassolidstonebuildings?Ifthereisademandfortall,lightstructures,whynotbuildthemsimply(asbridgesareconstructed),andnotaddapoulticeofboguscolumnsandzinccornicesthatservenopurposeanddeceivenoone?
UnionSquarepossessesblocksoutofwhichtheJacksonandDeckerbuildingsspringwithanobledisregardofallrulesandadeliciousincongruitythatremindsoneofFalstaff’scorpsofill—drilledsoldiers。MadisonSquare,however,isFACILEPRINCEPS,withitsannextotheHoffmanHouse,abuildingwhichwouldmakethefortuneofanydimemuseumthatcouldfenceitinandshowitforafee!Longcontemplationofthisstructurefrommystudywindowhasprintedeverycomicdetailonmybrain。ItstartsoffatthegroundleveltobeanimitationoftheDoge’sPalace(aneatandappropriateideainitselfforaBroadwayshop)。Atthesecondstory,followingtheusualNewYorkmethod,itrevertstoadesignsuggestiveofacountyjail(thePalaceandthePrison),withhereandthereabalconyhungout,emblematical,doubtless,oftheinmates’washandbedding。AttheninthfloortherepentantarchitectaddstwomorestoriesinmemoryoftheDoge’sresidence。Haveyoueverseenanaccordion(concertina,Ibelieve,isthecorrectname)hanginginashopwindow?TheTwenty—fifthStreetDoge’sPalaceremindsmeofthathumbleinstrument。Thewoodenpart,wherethekeysandroundholesare,standsonthesidewalk。Thencomeanindefinitenumberofpleats,andfinallytheotherwoodenendwellupamongtheclouds。Sostrikingisthisresemblancethatattimesoneexpectstohearthelong—drawnmoanspeculiartotheconcertinaissuingfromthoseportals。Alas!
eventhemostoriginaldesignshavetheirdrawbacks!AftertheproprietoroftheVenetianaccordionhadgothisinstrumentwelldrawnoutandbalancedonitsend,heperceivedthatitdwarfedtheadjacentbuildings,socastaboutinhismindforaschemetoaddheightanddignitytotherestoftheblock。Onedaytheastonishedneighborhoodsawwhatappearedtobea\"roomysuburbanvilla\"ofironrisingontheroofoftheoldHoffmanHouse。Theresultssuggestsasmallmanwho,beingobligedtowalkwithagiant,hadputonahatseveraltimestoolargeinordertoequalizetheirheights!
HowastonishedPericlesandhiscircleofarchitectsandsculptorswouldbecouldtheystandonthecornerofBroadwayandTwenty—eighthStreetandseetheminiatureParthenonthatgracestheroofofapileinnocentofotherGreekornament?
Theywouldalsorecognizetheiroldfriends,theladiesoftheErechtheum,doingdutyontheReveillonBuildingacrosstheway,pretendingtoholdupacornice,which,beinginproportiontothebuilding,isseveralhundredtimestoobigforthemtocarry。Theycan’tbeseenfromthesidewalk,—
thestreetistoonarrowforthat,—butsuchtriflesdon’tdeterbuildersfromdecoratingwhenthefitisonthem。
Perhapsthisonegothiscaryatidesatabargain,andhadtoworktheminsomewhere;soitisnotfairtobehardonhim。
Ifeverwetaketoballooning,alltheseelaboratetopsmayaddmateriallytoourpleasure。Atthepresentmomentthebirds,andangels,itistobehoped,appreciatetheeffort。
I,perhaps,ofalltheinhabitantsofthecity,haveseenthoseladiesfacetoface,whenIhavegoneonasemi—monthlyvisittomyrooftolookforleaks!
\"It’sallverywelltocarpandcavil,\"manyreaderswillsay,\"but`Idler’forgetsthatourmodernarchitectshavehadtocontendwithdifficultiesthatthedesignersofotheragesneverfaced,demandsforspaceandlightforcingthenineteenth—centurybuilderstoproducestructureswhichtheyknowareneithergracefulnorinproportion!\"
Ifmyreaderswillgivethemselvesthetroubletoglanceatseveralofficebuildingsinthecity,theywillrealizethattheproblemisnotwithoutasolution。Inalmosteverycasewherethearchitecthasrefrainedfromuselessdecorationandstucktosimplelines,theresult,ifnotbeautiful,hasatleastbeeninoffensive。Itiswhereinappropriateelaborationisaddedthattasteisoffended。SuchstructuresastheSingerbuilding,cornerofLibertyStreetandBroadway,andthehomeofLIFE,inThirty—firstStreet,provethatbeautyandgraceoffacadecanbeadaptedtomodernbusinesswants。
FeelingasmanyNewYorkersdoaboutthisdefacingofwhatmighthavebeenthemostbeautifulofmoderncities,itisgallingtobecalledupontoadmirewhereitisalreadyanefforttotolerate。
Asprightlygentleman,writingrecentlyinascientificweekly,goesintoecstasiesofadmirationovertheadvantagesandbeautyofasteelmastodononParkRow,abuildingthathastheproportionsofacarpenter’splanestoodonend,decoratedhereandtherewithbalconiesandacolonnadeperchedonbracketsuptowarditsfifteenthstory。Hecomplacentlygivesusitsweightandheightascomparedwiththepyramids,andnumerousotherdetailsastofloorspaceandventilation,andhintsinconclusionthatonlyoldfogiesanddullards,unabletokeeppacewiththetimes,failtoappreciatethecharmofsuchstructuresinacity。Oneofthe\"points\"thiswritermakesisthequalityofairenjoyedbytenants,amusinglyobliviousofthefactthatatleastthreefacadesofeachtallbuildingwillseethedayonlysolongastheproprietorsofadjacentlandaretoopoorortoobusytoconstructsimilarcolossi!
Whenallthebuildingsinablockarethesameheight,seveneighthsoftheroomsineachwillbewithoutlightorventilation。It’sratherpoortastetobragofadvantagesthatareenjoyedonlythroughthegenerosityofone’sneighbors。
Businessdemandsmayforceustobowbeforethenecessityofthesehorrors,butitcertainlyis\"rubbingitin\"toaskourapplause。WhentheEiffelTowerwasincourseofconstruction,theartistsandliterarylightsofParisraisedatempestofprotest。Onewonderswhysolittleofthekindhasbeendonehere。Itisperhapsratherlateinthedaytosuggestreform,yetifmoreNewYorkerswouldinterestthemselvesinthework,muchmightstillbedonetomodifyandimproveourmetropolis。
Onehearswithsatisfactionthatagroupofarchitectshavelatelymetanddiscussedplansfortheembellishmentofourneglectedcity。Thereisacertainpoeticaljusticeinthepropositioncomingfromthosewhohaveworkedsomuchoftheharm。Remorsehasbeforenowbeenknowntoproducegoodresults。TheUnitedStatestreasuryyearlyreceiveslargesumsof\"consciencemoney。\"
Chapter7—WorldlyColor—BlindnessMYRIADSofpeoplehavenoearformusicandderivebutlittlepleasurefromsweetsounds。Strangeasitmayappear,manygiftedandsensitivemortalshavebeenunabletodistinguishonenotefromanother,Apollo’sharmoniousartremainingforthem,asfortheelderDumas,onlyan\"expensivenoise。\"
Anotherlargeclassfinditimpossibletodiscriminatebetweencolors。Menafflictedinthiswayhaveevenbecomepaintersofreputation。Iknewoneofthelatter,who,whenafriendcomplimentedhimonhavingcaughttheexactshadeofapinktoiletinoneofhisportraits,answered,\"Doesthatdresslookpinktoyou?Ithoughtitwasgreen!\"andyethehadcopiedwhathesawcorrectly。
Boththeseclassesaretobepitied,butarenotthecauseofmuchsufferingtoothers。Itisannoying,Igrantyou,tobetornasunderinacollision,becauseredandgreenlightsontheswitchescombinedintoapleasingharmonybeforethebrakeman’seyes。Thetone—deafgentlemanwhoinsistsonwhistlingapopularmelodyisalmostastryingastheladysufferingfromthesameweakness,whoshouts,\"Ninon,Ninon,quefais—tudelavie!\"untilyoufeelimpelledtocry,\"Quefaites—vous,madame,withthekey?\"
Examinationsnowkeepdaltonicgentlemenoutoflocomotives,andladieswhohavelosttheir\"keys\"areapttofindtheirfriends’pianosclosed。WhatwecannotguardagainstisavarietyofthegenusHOMOwhichsuffersfrom\"socialcolor—
blindness。\"Thesewell—meaningmortalsformoneofthehardesttrialsthatsocietyisheirto;forthediseaseisincurable,andasitisalmostimpossibletoescapefromthem,theycontinuetospreaddismayandconfusionalongtheirpathtothebitterend。
Thismalady,which,asfarasIknow,hasnotbeendiagnosed,invadesallcircles,andis,curiouslyenough,rampantamongwell—bornandapparentlywell—bredpeople。
Whyisitthattheentertainmentsatcertainhousesarealwaysdullfailures,whileacrossthewayoneenjoyssuchagreeableevenings?Bothhostsaregentlemen,enjoyingaboutthesameamountof\"unearnedincrement,\"yettheatmosphereoftheirhousesisradicallydifferent。Thiscontrastcannotbetracedtothedulnessorbrilliancyoftheentertainerandhiswife。
Neithercanitbelaidatthedoorofinexperience,fortheworstoffendersareoftenoldhandsatthegame。
Theonlyexplanationpossibleisthattheownersofhouseswhereoneisboredaresociallycolor—blind,ascheerfullyunconsciousoftheirweaknessasthekeylessladyandthewhistlingabomination。
Sinceincreasingwealthhasmadeentertaininggeneralandlavish,thismaladyhasbecomemoreandmoreapparent,untiloneistemptedtoparodyMme。Roland’sdyingexclamationandcry,\"Hospitality!hospitility!whatcrimesarecommittedinthyname!\"
Entertainingisformanypeoplebutanexcuseforostentation。
Forothersitisameanstoanend;whileathirdvarietyapparentlykeepadebitandcreditaccountwiththeiracquaintances—inbooksofdoubleentry,sothatnoerrorsmayoccur—andissueinvitationslikereceipts,onlyinreturnforvaluereceived。
Wecanrarelytellwhatispassinginthemindsofpeopleaboutus。Someofthosementionedabovemayfeelavaguepleasurewhentheirroomsarefilledwithachatteringcrowdofmoreorlesswell—assortedguests;ifthatisdeniedthem,canfindconsolationfortheoutlayinanindefinitesensationofhavingperformedaduty,—whatduty,ortowhom,theywould,however,finditdifficulttodefine。
Letthenovicefleefromtheallurementsofsuchahost。Oldhandsknowhimandhavegothimontheirlist,escapingwhenescapeispossible;forhewillmatethegreenyouthwiththeredfrump,orlikeaprematuremillenniumforcethelionandthelambtoliedowntogether,andimaginehehasgivenunmixedpleasuretoboth。
Onewouldexpectthatgreatworldlylightsmightlearnbyexperiencehowfatalbungledentertainmentscanbe,butsuchisnotthecase。Manywell—intentionedpeoplecontinuesacrificingtheirfriendsonthealtarofhospitalityyearafteryearwithneveraqualmofconscienceorasensationofpityfortheirvictims。Onepracticalladyofmyacquaintanceasksherguestsalphabetically,commencingtheseasonandthefirstleafofhervisitinglistsimultaneouslyandworkingsteadilyonthroughbothto\"finis。\"IfyouareanA,youwillmeetonlyA’sathertable,withperhapsoneortwoB’sthrownintofillup;youmaysitnexttoyourmother—in—lawforallthehostesscares。Shehasprobablyneverheardthatthenumberofguestsattableshouldnotexceedthatofthemuses;orifbyanychanceshehasheardit,doesnotcare,andconsiderssucharuleold—fashionedandnotappropriatetoourimprovedmodernmethodsofentertaining。
Onewonderswhatpossiblesatisfactionahostcanderivefromprovidingfiftypeoplewithunwholesomefoodanddrinkatafixeddate。Itisaphysicalimpossibilityforhimtohavemorethanapassingwordwithhisguests,andtentoonetheunaccustomednumberhasupsettheinternalarrangementsofhishousehold,sothatthedinnerwill,inconsequence,bepoorandtheservicedefective。
Aside—lightonthisquestioncametomerecentlywhenanexceedinglyfrankhusbandconfidedtoacircleofhisfriendsattheclubtheschemehiswife,who,thoughonpleasurebent,wasofafrugalmind,hadadoptedtobalancehersocialledger。
\"Aswedineoutconstantlythroughtheyear,\"remarkedBenedict,\"somereturnisnecessary。Sowewaituntiltheheightofthewinterseason,wheneverybodyisengagedtwoweeksinadvance,thensendoutourinvitationsatrathershortnoticefortwoorthreeconsecutivedinners。You’dbesurprised,\"heremarked,withabeamingsmile,\"whatanumberrefuse;lastwinterwecancelledallourobligationswithtwodinners,theflowersandentreesbeingasfreshonthesecondeveningasthefirst!It’swonderful!\"heremarkedinconclusion,\"howsimpleentertainingbecomeswhenoneknowshow!\"WhichremindedmeofaningeniousyouthIonceheardtellingsomefriendshoweasyhehadfoundittowritethebookhehadjustpublished。Afterhisdepartureweagreedthatifhefounditsoeasyitwouldnotbeworthourwhiletoreadhisvolume。
Tender—heartedpeoplegenerallymakebadhosts。Theyhaveawayofcollectingthemorallylame,halt,andblindintotheirdrawing—roomsthatgivesthoseapartmentstheairofaconvalescenthome。Themomentacouplehaveplacedthemselvesbeyondthesocialpale,thesepurblindhostsconceiveanaffectionforandlavishhospitalityuponthem。Ifsuchahosthasbeenfortunateenoughtogettogetheracircleofhealthypeople,youmayfeelconfidentthatatthelastmomentaleperwillbeintroduced。Thisclassofentertainersfailtoseethatsocietycannotherunonaphilanthropicbasis,andsoinsistonturningtheirsalonsintohospitals。
Itwouldtaketoolongtoenumeratethethousandidiosyncrasiesofthecolor—blind;few,however,aremoreamusingthanthoseoftheimpulsivegentlemenwhoinvitepeopletotheirhomesindiscriminately,becausetheyhappentofeelinagoodhumororchancetobeseatednextthematanotherhouse,—invitationswhichthehostregretshalfanhourlater,andwouldwillinglyrecall。\"Ican’tthinkwhyI
askedtheSo—and—sos!\"hewillconfidetoyou。\"Ican’tabidethem;theyareasdullasthedropsy!\"ManyyearsagoinParis,weusedtocallacertainhospitablelady’sinvitations\"souptickets,\"solittleindividualitydidtheypossess。
Thesubtlelawsofmoralprecedencearedifficultreadingforthemostintelligent,andthereforeremainsealedbookstotheafflictedmortalsmentionedhere。Thedelicatetactthat,withnoapparenteffort,combinescongenialelementsintoadelightfulwholeislackingintheircomposition。Thenicediscriminationthatpresidesoversomehouseholdsisreplacedbyajovialindifferencetootherpersons’feelingsandprejudices。
TheideaofplacingprettyMissDebutantenextyoungStrongboysinsteadofgivingheroverintotheclutchesofoldMr。Boremorewillneverentertheseobtuseentertainers’
heads,anymorethanthatoftryingtokeeppoor,defencelessMrs。MouseoutofyoungTomCat’sclaws。
Itisuselesstoenumerateinstances;peoplehavesufferedtooseverelyatthehandsofcarelessandincompetenthostsnottoknowprettywellwhatthetitleofthispapermeans。Somanyofushavecomeawayfromfruitlessevenings,grindingourteeth,andvowingnevertoenterthosedoorsagainwhilelifelasts,thatthetimeseemsripeforaprotest。
Ifthecolor—blindwouldonlyrefrainfrompainting,andthetone—deafnotinsistoninvitingonetotheirconcerts,theworldwouldbeamuchmoreagreeableplace。Ifpeoplewouldonlylearnwhattheycanandwhattheycan’tdo,andleavethelatterfeatsalone,avastamountofunnecessaryannoyancewouldbeavoidedandthetiresomeoldgrindstoneturntoamorecheerfultune。
Chapter8—IdlinginMid—OceanTOthosefortunatemortalsfromwhomPoseidonexactsnotributeincrossinghisbroaddomain,atransatlanticvoyagemustaffordeachyearanevernewdelight。Thecaresandworriesofexistencefadeawayanddisappearincompanywiththeland,inthedeepbosomoftheoceanburied。Onenolongerfeelsliketheboredmortalwhohasallwinterturnedthemillstoneofworkandpleasure,butseemstohavetransmigratedintoanewbody,endowedwitharavenousappetiteandperfectlyfreshsensations。
Perhapsitisonlythenoveltyofthesurroundings;butasI
liesomnolentinmychair,tuckedintoacornerofthewhitedeck,watchingthejade—coloredwaterrushpastbelow,andthesea—gullscirclegaylyoverhead,theSUMMUMBONUMofearthlycontentmentseemsattained。Thebookchosenwithcareremainsuncut;thesenseofphysicalandmentalrestistooexquisitetobebrokenbyanyeffort,eventhereadingofafavoriteauthor。
Drowsylapsesintounconsciousnessobscurethesenses,likethetransparentcloudsthatfromtimetotimedimthesunlight。Adistantbellinthewheel—housechimesthelazyhalf—hours。Groupsofpeoplecomeandgolikefiguresonalantern—slide。Acuriouslydetachedreelingmakesthesceneandtheactorsinitasunrealasapaintedshipmannedbyashadowycrew。Theinevitablechildtumblesonitsfaceandispickedupshriekingbytenderparents;energeticyouthsorganizegamesofskillordiscoverwhalesonthehorizon,withoutdisturbingone’sphilosophiccalm。
Icongratulatemyselfonhavingchosenaforeignline。Foraweekatleastnofamiliarnamewillbespoken,noaccustomedfaceappear。Thegallingharnessofroutineisloosened;onebreathesfreelyagainconsciousoftheunoccupiedhoursinperspective。
Thewelcomesummonstoluncheoncomesasapleasantshock。Isitpossiblethatthemorninghaspassed?Itseemstohavebutcommenced。Irousemyselfanddescendtothecabin。TowardtheendofthemealarubicundFrenchmanoppositemakesthestartlingpropositionthatifIwishtosendamessagehomehewillundertaketohaveitdelivered。ItisnotuntilInoticethelittlesquareofoiledpaperheisholdingouttomethatIunderstandthisreferencetothe\"pigeonpost\"withwhichtheCompagnieTransatlantiqueisexperimenting。AttheinvitationofthisnewacquaintanceIascendtotheupperdeckandwatchhisbirdsdepart。
Thetinybitsofpaperonwhichwehavewritten(post—cardfashion)messageandaddressarerolledtwoorthreetogether,andinsertedintoapieceofquilllessthantwoincheslong,which,however,theydonotentirelyfill。Whileapigeonisheldbyoneman,anotherpushesoneofthebird’stail—
featherswellthroughthequill,whichisthenfastenedinitsplacebytwominutewoodenwedges。Amomentlaterthepigeonistossedupintotheair,andwewitnesstheworkingofthatmysteriousinstinctwhichallourmodernscienceleavesunexplained。Afteraturnortwofarupintheclearsky,thebirdgetsitsbearingsanddartsoffonitsfive—hundred—milejourneyacrossunknownseastoanunseenland—avoyagethatnodeviationorloiteringwilllengthen,andonlyfatigueoraccidentinterrupt,untilhealightsathiscote。
Fiveofthesewillingmessengerswerestartedthefirstdayout,andfivemorewillleaveto—morrow,poorlittleaerialpostmen,almostpredestinedtodestruction(inthelattercase),forweshallthenbesofarfromlandthattheironechanceoflifeandhomemustdependonfindingsomefriendlymastwhereanhour’srestmaybetakenbeforethebirdstartsagainonhisjourney。
Intwoorthreedays,accordingtotheweather,weshallbeginsendingFrenchpigeonsonaheadofustowardHavre。Thegentlemaninchargeofthemtellsmethathiswifereceivedallthemessageshesenttoherduringhiswestwardtrip,thebirdsappearingeachmorningatherwindow(whereshewasinthehabitfeedingthem)withtheirtidingsfrommid—ocean。HealsotellsmethattheFrenchfleetintheMediterraneanrecentlyreceivedmessagesfromtheircomradesintheBalticonthethirddaybythesefeatheredenvoys。
Itishopedthatinfutureoceansteamerswillbeabletokeepupcommunicationwiththelandatleastfouroutofthesevendaysoftheirtrips,sothat,incaseofdelayoraccident,theirexactpositionandcircumstancescanbemadeknownatheadquarters。Itisapity,theoriginatoroftheschemeremarked,thatsea—gullsaresuchhopelessvagabonds,fortheycanflymuchgreaterdistancesthanpigeons,andarenotaffectedbydampness,whichseriouslycripplesthepresentmessengers。
Laterinthedayacompatriot,inspireddoubtlessbythemorning’sexperiment,confidedtomethathehadhiton\"agreatscheme,\"whichheintendstodeveloponarriving。HisideaistodomesticatefamiliesofporpoisesatHavreandNewYork,asthatfishpassesforhaving(likethepigeon)thehominginstinct。Shipsprovidedwiththeparentfishcanfreeoneeverytwenty—fourhours,chargedwiththemorning’smail。
Theinventorofthisluminousideahasalreadydesignedtheletter—boxesthataretobestrappedonthefishes’backs,anddecidedonaneatuniformforhispostmen。
Itisamusingduringthefirstdays\"out\"towatchthepeoplewhomchancehasthrowntogetherintosuchclosequarters。Theoccultpowerthatimpelsapigeontoseekitskindisfeebleincomparisonwiththefacultythattravellersdevelopunderthesecircumstancesforseekingoutcongenialspirits。Twelvehoursdonotpassbeforeaffinitiesdrawtogether;whatwasapparentlyahomogeneousmasshasbythattimegroupedandarrangeditselfintothreeorfourdistinctcircles。
The\"sporty\"gentlemeninloudclotheshaveunitedinthebondsoffriendshipwiththetravellingagentsandhavechosenthesmoking—roomastheirheadquarters。Nomellowsunsetorserenemoonlightwilltemptthesecomradesfromthesubtletiesofpoker;thepoolontherunistheeventoftheirday。
Aportlyprimadonnaisthecentreofanothercircle。Herwraps,herdogs,heradmirers,andherbrand—newhusband(ahandsomeyoungHungarianwithavoiceliketwoBacianbulls)
fillthesitting—room,wherethepianogetsbutlittlerest。
Neithersunshinenorsoftwindscandrawthemtothedeck。
Althoughtooillfortheregularmeals,thisgroupeatanddrinkduringfifteenoutofthetwenty—fourhours。
Thedeck,however,isnotdeserted;twofashionabledressmakersrevelthere。ThesesociableladiesaskedtheCOMMISSAIREatthestart\"tointroducealltheyoungunmarriedmentothem,\"astheywantedtobejolly。Theyhaveanumerouscourtaroundthem,andchampagne,liketheconversation,flowsfreely。Theseladieshavealreadybecomeexpertatshuffleboard,buttheir\"sealegs\"arenotsogoodasmightbeexpected,andthedamesrequiretobecaughtandsupportedbytheiradmirersateachmomenttopreventthemfromtripping—animmensejoke,tojudgebythepealsoflaughterthatfollow。
TheAmericanwifeofaFrenchambassadorsitsonthecaptain’sright。AturnofthediplomaticwheelistakingtheladytoMadrid,whereherpositionwillcallforsupremetactandself—restraint。Onefeelsathrillofnationalprideonlookingatherhigh—bredyoungfaceandlisteningasshechatsinFrenchandSpanish,andwondersoncemoreatthemarvellousfacultyourwomenhaveofadaptingthemselvessograciouslyandsonaturallytodifficultpositions,whichthewomenofothernationsrarelyfillwellunlessborntothepurple。ItisthehighopinionIhaveofmycountrywomenthathasmademecavil,beforenow,onseeingthemturnedintoelaboratelydressednullitiesbyfoolishandtooadoringhusbands。
Thevoyageiswearingitselfaway。Sunnydaysaresucceededbygraymornings,asexquisiteintheirway,whenonecanfeeltheshipfightagainstcontendingwindandwave,andshiverundertheblowsreceivedinastrugglewhichdashesthesaltsprayhighoverthedecks。Thereisanaromaintheairthenthatbreathesnewlifeintojadednerves,andstirsthedropofoldNorseblood,dormantinmostAmericanveins,intoquiveringecstasy。Onedreamsofthrowingoffthetrammelsofcivilizedexistenceandreturningtothefreelifeofolderdays。
ButhereisHavreglitteringinthedistanceagainstherbackgroundofchalkcliffs。Peoplecomeondeckinstrangelyconventionalclothesandwithdemurecitifiedairs。
Passengersofwhoseexistenceyouwereunawaresuddenlymaketheirappearance。Twofriendsmeetnearmeforthefirsttime。\"Hallo,Jones!\"saysoneofthem,\"areyoucrossing?\"
\"Yes,\"answersJones,\"areyou?\"
Thecompany’stughascomealongsidebythistime,bringingitsbudgetoflettersandtelegrams。Thebriefholidayisover。Withasighonecomesbacktothepositiveandthepresent,andpatientlyresumestheharnessoflife。
Chapter9—\"Climbers\"inEnglandTHEexpression\"LittleEnglander,\"muchusedoflatetodesignateaninhabitantoftheMotherIsleincontra—
distinctiontoothersubjectsofHerMajesty,expressesneatlythefeelingofourinsularcousinsnotonlyasregardsourselves,butalsothepositionaffectedtowardtheircolonialbrothersandsisters。
Haveyouevernoticedthatineverycirclethereissomeindividualassumingtodothingsbetterthanhiscomrades—toknowmore,dressbetter,runfaster,pronouncemorecorrectly?
Who,unlesspromptlysuppressed,willturntheconversationintoamonologuerelatingtohisownexploitsandopinions。
Todifferistobringdownhiscontemptuponyourdevotedhead!Toargueistimewasted!
Humannatureis,however,soconstitutedthatamanofthistypemostlysucceedsinhypnotizinghishearersintosharinghisestimateofhimself,andimpressinguponthemtheconvictionthatheisararebeinginsteadofacommonplacemortal。Heisnotabadsortofpersonatbottom,andreadytodooneafriendlyturn—ifitdoesnotentailtoogreatinconvenience。Inshort,agoodfellow,whoseprincipaldefectistheprofoundconvictionthathewasbornsuperiortotherestofmankind。
Whatthisindividualistohisenvironment,Englishmenaretotheworldatlarge。Itisthemisfortune,notthefault,oftherestofthehumanrace,thattheyarenotnativetohisisland;afact,bytheway,whichoutsidersarerarelyallowedtolosesightof,asitentailsabecomingmodestyontheirpart。
FewidiosyncrasiesgetmorequicklyonAmericannervesorarefurtherfromourheartyattitudetowardstrangers。AswearefarfromlookinguponwanderingEnglishmenwithsuspicion,ittakesussometimetorealizethatAmericanswhocutawayfromtheircountrymenandsettlefarfromhomeareregardedwithdistrustandreluctantlyreceived。Whenafamilyofthiskindpreparestoliveintheirneighborhood,Britonshaveaformulaofthreequestionstheyaskthemselvesconcerningthenew—
comers:\"Whomdotheyknow?Howmucharetheyworth?\"and\"Whatamusement(orprofit)arewelikelytogetoutofthem?\"
Iftheanswertoalloranyofthethreequeriesissatisfactory,mylordmakesthenecessaryadvancesandbecomesanagreeable,ifnotawittyororiginal,companion。
Giventhisandanumberofotherpeculiarities,itseemscuriousthatacertainclassofAmericansshouldbesoanxioustoliveinEngland。Whatisittemptsthem?Itcannotbetheclimate,forthatisvile;northecityofLondon,foritisoneoftheugliestinexistence;northeir\"cuisine\"—foralthoughwearenotgoodcooksourselves,weknowwhatgoodfoodisandcouldgiveBritonspoints。Neithercanitbeart,northeopera,—onefindsbothbetterathomeorontheContinentthaninEngland。Soitmustbesociety,andhereone’swonderdeepens!
WhenIhearfriendsjustbackfromastayoverthereenlargingonthecharmsof\"countrylife,\"oraLondon\"season,\"Ilookattentivelytoseeiftheyareinearnest,soincomparablydullhaveIalwaysfoundEnglishhousepartiesortownentertainments。Atleastthatsideofsocietywhichtheclimbingstrangermostlyaffects。Othercirclesarecharming,ifabitslow,andthe\"Bohemia\"andsemi—BohemiaofLondonhaveadelicateflavoroftheirown。
Countysociety,thatideallifesoattractivetoAmericanreadersofBritishnovels,is,takenonthewhole,themostinsipidexistenceconceivable。Thewomenlackthesparkleandcharmofours;themen,whoareoutalldayshootingorhuntingaccordingtotheseason,getbacksofaggedthatiftheydonotactuallydropasleepatthedinner—table,theywillnapimmediatelyafter,brighteningonlywhentheladieshaveretired,when,witheveningdresschangedforcomfortablesmokingsuits,thehunterscongregateinthebilliard—roomforcigarsandbrandyandseltzer。
AparticularlyagreeableAmericanwoman,whosehusbandinsistsongoingeverywintertoMelton—Mowbrayforthehunting,wasdescribingtheotherdaythelifethereamongthewomen,andexpressingherwonderthatthosewhodidnothuntcouldrefrainfromblowingouttheirbrains,soawfulwasthedulnessandmonotony!Shehadendedbynotdiningoutatall,havingdiscoveredthattheconversationneverbyanychancedeviatedfarfromthekneesofthehorsesandtheheightofthehedges!
WhichremindsoneofThackerayrelatinghowhehadlongedtoknowwhatwomentalkedaboutwhentheywerealoneafterdinner,imaginingittobeonmysteriousandthrillingsubjects,untiloneeveningheoverheardsuchaconversationandfounditturnedentirelyonchildrenandailments!Asregardswit,theEnglishareliketheOrientalpotentatewhoataballinEuropeexpressedhisastonishmentthatthegueststookthetroubletodanceandgetthemselveshotanddishevelled,explainingthatintheEasthepaidpeopletodothatforhim。InEngland\"amusers\"areinvitedexpresslytobefunny;anythingutteredbyoneofthesedelightfulindividualsissuretobereceivedwithmuchlaughter。Itissosimplethatway!Oneispreparedandknowswhentolaugh。
Whereasamateurwitisconfusing。WhenanAmericanIknew,turningoverthebooksonadrawing—roomtableandfindingHare’sWALKSINLONDON,intwovolumes,said,\"Soyoupartyourhairinthemiddleoverhere,\"theremarkwasreceivedinsilence,andwithlooksofpolitesurprise。
Itisnotnecessary,however,toaccumulateproofsthatthismuchdescribedsocietyislessintelligentthanourown。
Theirauthorshaveacknowledgedit,andwelltheymay。ForfromScottandDickensdowntoHallCaine,AmericanappreciationhasgonefartowardestablishingthereputationofEnglishwritersathome。
InspiteoflackofhumorandathousandotherdefectswhichoughttomakeEnglishswelldomantagonistictoourcountrymen,thefactremainsthat\"smart\"LondontemptsacertainnumberofAmericansandhasbecomeapromisedland,towardwhichtheyturnlongingeyes。Youwillalwaysfindafewofthesevotariesoverthereinthe\"season,\"strugglingbravelyupthesocialcurrent,makingacquaintances,spendingmoneyatcharitysales,givingdinnersandfetes,takinghousesatAscotandfillingthemwiththeirnewfriends’friends。Withmoreorlesssuccessasthenew—comershavebeenabletoreturnsatisfactoryanswerstothethreeprimaryquestions。
WhatAmericansarethese,whoforceustoblushfortheminfinitelymorethanfortheunletteredtouriststrottingconscientiouslyaroundthecountry,doingthesightsandaskingforsoda—waterandbuckwheatcakesatthehotels!
Anyonewhohasbeenanobserverofthegenus\"Climber\"athome,andwonderedattheirwayandcourage,willrecognizetheseambitioussoulsabroad;fiveminutes’conversationisenough。Itisneveraboutaplacethattheytalk,butofthepeopletheyknow。LondontothemisnotthecityofDickens。
ItisaplacewhereonemaymeetthePrinceofWalesandperhapsobtainanentranceintohisset。
Onedescriptionwillcovermostclimbers。Theyare,asarule,peoplewhostarthumblyinsomesmallcity,thenwhenfortunecomes,pushontoNewYorkandNewport,wheretheycarryallbeforethemandmaketheirhousescentresandthemselvespowers。Nextcomesthediscoverythatthecircleintowhichtheyhaveforcedtheirwayisnotnearlyasattractiveasitappearedfromadistance。Consequentlythatvaguedisappointmentisfeltwhichmostofusexperienceonattainingalongdesiredgoal—theunsatisfactorinessofsuccess!MuchthesamesensationascausedpoorDuMauriertoanswer,whenaskedshortlybeforehisdeathwhyhelookedsoglum,\"I’msouredbysuccess!\"
Sotrueisthisofallhumannaturethatthefollowingrecipemightbegivenfortheattainmentofperfecthappiness:\"Beginfardowninanywalkoflife。Risebyyoureffortshighereachyear,andthenbecarefultodiebeforediscoveringthatthereisnothingatthetop。Theexcitementofthestruggle—
`theraptureofthechase’—aregreaterjoysthanachievement。\"
Ourambitiousfriendsnaturallyignorethisbitofphilosophy。
Whenitisdiscoveredthatthe\"world\"athomehasgivenbutanunsatisfactoryreturnforcashandconniving,itoccurstothemthatthefaultliesinthecircle,andtheyassumethattheirparticulartalentsrequirealargerfield。Havingconqueredallinsight,thesesocialAlexanderspineforanewworld,whichgenerallyturnsouttobethe\"Old,\"soacrossingismade,andthe\"ConquestofEngland\"begunwithalltheenthusiasmandpushemployedonstartingoutfromthelittlenativecitytwentyyearsbefore。
ItisinVictoria’srealmthatfoemenworthyoftheirsteelawaittheconquerors。Homesocietywasatooeasyprey,openingitsdoorsandlayingdownitsarmsatthefirstsummons。InEnglandthenew—comersfindthattheirlittlegamehasbeenplayedbefore;and,well,whattheyimaginedwasadiscoveryprovestobealong—studiedsciencewith\"DONNANT!
DONNANT!\"asitsfundamentallaw。Wilyopponentswithtrumpcardsintheirhandsandaprofoundknowledgeof\"Hoyle\"
smilinglyofferthemseats。Havingacquiredinahomegameaknowledgeof\"bluff,\"ourfriendsplungewithdelightintothefray,onlytofindEnglishsocietysoformedthat,climbtheyneversowisely,thetopcanneverbereached。Workashardastheymay,succeedevenbeyondtheirfondesthopes,therewillalwaysremaincirclesabove,towardwhichtoyearn—
peoplewhowillrefusetoknowthem,housestheywillneverbeinvitedtoenter。Thinkofthecharm,theattractionsuchacivilizationmusthavefortherealbornclimber,andyou,myreader,willunderstandwhycertainofourcompatriotsenjoylivinginEngland,andwhywhenoncetheintoxicatingdraught(suppliedtotheambitiousontheotherside)hasbeentasted,allhomeconcoctionsproveinsipid。
Chapter10—CALVEatCabrieresWHILEIwasmakinga\"cure\"lastyearatLamalou,anobscureSpaintheCevennesMountains,MadameCalve,towhomIhadexpressedadesiretoseeherpicturesquehome,telegraphedaninvitationtopassthedaywithher,namingthetrainshecouldmeet,whichwouldallowforthelongdrivetoherchateaubeforeluncheon。Itisneedlesstosaytheinvitationwasaccepted。Asmytraindrewupatthelittlestation,MadameCalve,inhertrap,wasthefirstpersonIsaw,andnotimewaslostingettingENROUTE。
Duringthehourpassedonthepoplar—borderedroadthatleadsstraightandwhiteacrossthecountryIhadtimetoappreciatethetransformationinthewomanatmyside。Wasthisgray—
clad,nunlikefigurethepassionate,sensuousCarmenofBizet’smasterpiece?Couldthatcalm,paleface,crossedbyinnumerablelinesofsuffering,asaspider’swebliesonaflower,blazeandpantwithSappho’sguiltylove?
Somethingofthesethoughtsmusthaveappearedonmyface,forturningwithasmile,sheasked,\"Youfindmechanged?It’stheairofmyvillage。HereI’mmyself。EverywhereelseI’mdifferent。OnthestageIamanypartImaybeplaying,butamneverreallyhappyawayfrommyhillthere。\"Asshespoke,asun—bakedhamletcameinsight,huddledaroundthebaseoftwotalltowersthatrosecoolandgrayinthenoondayheat。
\"Allthatwing,\"sheadded,\"isarrangedfortheconvalescentgirlswhomIhavesentdowntomefromtheParishospitalsforacureoffreshairandsimplefood。Sixyearsago,justafterIhadboughtthisplace,aseriesofoperationsbecamenecessarywhichleftmeprostratedandanaemic。Notonicswereofbenefit。Igrewweakerdaybyday,untilthedoctorsbegantodespairofmylife。Finally,attheadviceofanoldwomanherewhopassesforbeingsomethingofacurer,Itriedtheexperimentorlyingfiveorsixhoursadaymotionlessinthesunlight。Itwasn’tlongbeforeIfeltlifecreepingbacktomypoorfeeblebody。Thehotsunofourmagicsouthwasamoresubtletonicthananydrug。Whenthecurewascomplete,Imadeupmymindthateachsummerthesamechanceshouldbeofferedtoasmanyofmysufferingsistersasthisoldplacecouldbemadetoaccommodate。\"
ThebellsontheshaggyTarbesponiesshewasdrivingalongtheLanguedocroaddrew,onnearingherresidence,anumberofpeasantchildrenfromtheirplay。
Astheruddyurchinsranshoutingaroundourcarriagewheelsandscrambledinthedustforthesouswethrewthem,myhostesspointedlaughingtoascrubbylittlegirlwithtomato—
coloredcheeksandtousleddarkhair,remarking,\"Ilookedlikethattwentyyearsagoandperformedjustthoseanticsonthisveryroad。Nopunishmentwouldkeepmeoffthehighway。
Thosepennies,ifI’mnotmistaken,willallbespentatthevillagepastrycook’swithinanhour。\"
Thiswassaidwithsuchatenderglanceatthechildrenthatonerealizedthegreatartistwasathomehere,surroundedbythepeopleshelovedandunderstood。Truetothe\"homing\"
instinctoftheFrenchpeasant,MadameCalve,whenfortunecametoher,boughtandpartiallyrestoredtheramblingchateauwhichatsunsetcastsitsshadowacrossthevillageofherbirth。SincethatdayeverymomentoffreedomfromprofessionallaborandeverypennyofherlargeincomearespentatCabrieres,building,planning,evenfarming,whenherhealthpermits。
\"Ithink,\"shecontinued,asweapproachedthechateau,\"thatthehappiestdayofmylife—andIhave,asyouknow,passedsomehoursworthliving,bothonandoffthestage—waswhen,thatwingcompleted,aParistrainbroughtthefirstoccupantsformytwentylittlebedrooms;nowordscantellthedelightitgivesmenowtoseethecolorcomingbacktomypatients’
palelipsandhearthemlaughingandsingingabouttheplace。
AsIamalwaysshortoffunds,theideaofabandoningthisworkistheonlyfearthefutureholdsforme。\"
Withthevivacitypeculiartohercharacter,mycompanionthenwhippeduphercobsandturnedtheconversationintogayerchannels。Fiveminuteslaterweclatteredoveradrawbridgeanddrewupinaroomycourtyard,halfblindingsunlightandhalfblueshadow,whereascoreofgirlswereoccupiedwithbooksandsewing。
Theluncheonbellwasringingasweascendedtheterracesteps。Afterahurriedfiveminutesforbrushingandwashing,wetookourplacesatalongtablesetinthecoolstonehall,guestsstoppinginthechateauoccupyingoneendaroundthechatelaine,theconvalescentsfillingtheotherseats。
ThosewhohaveonlyseenthecapriciousdivaonthestageorinParisiansalonscanformlittleideaoftheproprietressofCabrieres。Noshadeofcoquetryblurstheclearpictureofherhomelife。Thecappedandsabotedpeasantwomenwhowaitedonuswerenotmoresimpleintheirways。Severaltimesduringthemealsheleftherseattoinquireafterthecomfortofsomeinvalidgirlorinspectthecookingintheadjacentkitchen。Thesewanderingswerenot,however,allowedtodisturbtheconversation,whichflowedonafterthemellowFrenchfashion,enlivenedbymuchwitandgaybadinage。Oneofourhostess’sanecdotesatherownexpensewasespeciallyamusing。
\"WheninVenice,\"shetoldus,\"mostprimadonnasarecarriedtoandfromtheoperainsedanchairstoavoidtheriskofcoldsfromthedraughtygondolas。Thelastnightofmyinitialseasonthere,Iwasinformed,asthecurtainfell,thatanumberofVenetiannobleswereplanningtocarrymeintriumphtothehotel。WhenIdescendedfrommydressing—roomthecourtyardofthetheatrewasfilledwithmenindressclothes,bearinglanterns,whocaughtupthechairassoonasIwasseatedandcarrieditnoisilyacrossthecitytothehotel。Muchmovedbythisunusualhonor,Imountedtothebalconyofmyroom,fromwhichelevationIbowedmythanks,andthrewalltheflowersathandtomyescort。
\"Nextmorningthehotelproprietorappearedwithmycoffee,andafterhesitatingamoment,remarked:`Well,wemadeasuccessofitlastnight。IthasbeentelegraphedtoallthecapitalsofEurope!Ihopeyouwillnotthinkathousandfrancstoomuch,consideringtheadvertisement!’Inblankamazement,Iaskedwhathemeant。`Imeanthetriumphalprogress,’heanswered。`Ithoughtyouunderstood!Wealwaysorganizeoneforthe\"stars\"whovisitVenice。Themenwhocarriedyourchairlastnightwerethewaitersfromthehotels。Wehirethemonaccountoftheirdressclothes’!
Thinkofthedisillusion,\"addedCalve,laughing,\"andmydisgust,whenIthoughtofmyselfnaivelythrowingkissesandflowerstoagroupofSwissgarconsatfifteenfrancsahead。
Therewasnothingtodo,however,butpaythebillandswallowmychagrin!\"
Howmanyprettywomendoyousupposewouldtellsuchajokeuponthemselves?Anotherstoryshetoldusischaracteristicofherpeasantneighbors。
\"WhenIcamebackhereaftermyfirstseasoninSt。PetersburgandLondontheCURErequestedmetosingatourlocalfete。I
gladlyconsented,and,standingbyhissideonthestepsoftheMAIRIE,gavethegreatariafromtheHUGUENOTSinmybestmanner。Tomyastonishmenttheperformancewasreceivedincompletesilence。`PoorCalve,’Iheardanoldfriendofmymother’smurmur。`Hervoiceusedtobesonice,andnowit’sallgone!’Takinginthesituationataglance,Ithrewmyvoicewellupintomynoseandstartedoffonawell—knownprovincialsong,intheshrillfalsettoofourpeasantwomen。
Theeffectwasinstantaneous!Longbeforetheendtheperformancewasdrownedinthundersofapplause。Whichprovesthattobepopularasingermustadaptherselftoheraudience。\"
Luncheonover,werepairedforcigarettesandcoffeetoanupperroom,whereCalvewasgivingDagnan—Bouveretsomesittingsforaportrait,andlingeredthereuntilfouro’clock,whenourhostessleftusforhersiesta,anda\"break\"tookthosewhocaredfortheexcursionacrossthevalleytoinspecttheruinsofaRomanbath。Alatedinnerbroughtustogetheragaininasmalldiningroom,theconvalescentshavingeatentheirsimplemealanddisappearedanhourbefore。Duringthistime,anothertransformationhadtakenplaceinourmercurialhostess!ItwastheCalveofParis,Calvethewitch,CalvetheCAPITEUSE,whopresidedatthedainty,flower—deckedtableandledthelaughingconversation。
Afewnotesstruckonaguitarbyoneoftheparty,aswesatanhourlateronthemoonlitterrace,wereenoughtostartofftheversatileartist,whowasinhergayesthumor。Shesangusstraybitsofopera,alternatinghermusicwithscenesburlesquedfromrecentplays。Nooneescapedherinimitablemimicry,noteventhe\"divineSarah,\"CalvegivingusanunpayableimpersonationoftheelderlyTRAGEDIENNEasLorenzaccio,theboyheroofAlfreddeMusset’sdrama。
BurlesquingledtoherdancingsomeSpanishstepswithanabandonneverattemptedonthestage!WhichinturngaveplacetoanimitationofanAmericanwhistlinganairfromCARMEN,andsome\"coonsongs\"shehadpickedupduringherstayatNewYork。They,again,weresucceededbyasuperbrenderingoftheimprecationfromRacine’sCAMILLE,whichmadeheraudiencerealizethatingainingasopranotheworldhaslost,perhaps,itsgreatestTRAGEDIENNE。
Ateleveno’clocktheclatterofhoofsinthecourtwarnedusthatthepleasanteveninghadcometoanend。AjournalistEN
ROUTEforPariswassooninstalledwithmeinthelittleomnibusthatwastotakeustothestation,Calveherselflightingourcigarsandprovidingthewrapsthatweretokeepoutthecoolnightair。
Aswepassedunderthelowarchwayoftheentranceamidaclamorof\"adieu\"and\"aurevoir,\"theyoungFrenchmanatmysidepointeduptoarowofclosedwindowsoverhead。\"Isn’titalesson,\"hesaid,\"forallofus,tothinkoftheoccupantsofthoselittlerooms,whomthegenerosityandcareofthatgraciousartistareleaningbysuchpleasantpathsbacktohealthandcouragefortheirtoilsomelives?\"
Chapter11—ACryForFreshAir\"ONCEuponatime,\"readsthefamiliarnurserytale,whilethefairies,invitedbyakingandqueentothechristeningoftheirdaughter,wereshoweringgoodgiftsonthebabyprincess,adisgruntledoldwitch,whomnoonehadthoughtofaskingtotheceremony,appeareduninvitedonthesceneandrevengedherselfbydecreeingthatthepresentsofthegoodfairies,insteadofprovingbeneficial,shouldbringonlytroubleandembarrassmenttotheroyalinfant。
Atellinganalogymightbedrawnbetweenthatunhappyprincessoverwhosefatesomanyyouthfultearshavebeenshed,andtheconditionofourinvention—riddencountry;forweseeeverydayhowthegoodgiftsofthosenineteenthcenturyfairies,ScienceandIndustry,insteadofprovingblessingstomankind,arebeingturnedbyignoranceandstupidityintoveritableafflictions。
IfapropheticgentlemanhadtoldLouisFourteenth’sshiveringcourtiers—whomanironetiquetteforcedonwintermorningsintothe(appropriatelynamed)GaleriedesGlaces,stampingtheirsilk—cladfeetandblowingontheirbluefingers,untilthekingshouldappear—thatwithinacenturyandahalfonesimplediscoverywouldenableallclassesofpeopletokeeptheirshopsanddwellingsatasummertemperaturethroughtheseverestwinters,thehalf—frozennobleswouldhavefloutedthesuggestionasan\"iridescentdream,\"asortoftoo—good—
to—be—trueprophecy。
Whatwastothosenoblemenanunheard—ofluxuryhasbecomewithinthelastdecadeoneoftheprimarynecessitiesofourlife。
Thequestionarisesnow:Arewegainersbythechange?Hastheindiscriminateuseofheatbeenofadvantage,eithermentallyorphysically,tothenation?
Theincubusofcaloricthatsitsonourgaspingcountryisparticularlypainfulatthisseason,whennatureundertakestodoherownheating。
Inotherless—favoredlands,thefirstspringdays,theexquisiteawakeningoftheworldafteralongwinter,bringtotheinhabitantsasensationofjoyandrenewedvitality。We,however,havediscountedthatenjoyment。Delicategradationsoftemperaturearelostonpeoplewhohavebeenstewingforsixmonthsinamixtureofsteamandtwice—breathedair。
WhatpleasurecananearlyAprildayaffordthemanwhohassleptinanover—heatedflatandishurryingtoanofficewhereeightydegreesistheaveragealltheyearround?Orthepaleshop—girl,whocomplainsifabreathofmorningairstraysintothesuburbantrainwheresheisseated?
Aspeoplewhohabituallyusesuch\"relishes\"asChutneyandWorcestershireareincapableofappreciatingdelicatelypreparedfood,sothe\"soft\"mortalswhohaveaccustomedthemselvestoaperpetualAugustareinsensibletofineshadingsoftemperature。
TheotherdayIwentwithafriendtoinspectsomeroomshehadbeendecoratinginoneofourpublicschools。Themorninghadbeenfrosty,butbyeleveno’clockthesunwarmedtheairuncomfortably。Onenteringtheschoolweweremetbyablastofheatedairthatwaspositivelystaggering。Intherecitationrooms,where,asinallNewYorkschoolrooms,thechildrenwerepackedlikedominoesinabox,thetemperaturecouldnothavebeenundereighty—five。
Thepale,spectacledspinsterincharge,towhomwecomplainedofthis,wasastonishedandoffendedatwhatsheconsideredourinterference,andansweredthat\"thechildrenlikeditwarm,\"asforherselfshe\"hadacoldandcouldnotthinkofopeningawindow。\"Iftheroomsweretoowarmitwasthejanitor’sfault,andhehadgoneout!
Twelveo’clockstruckbeforewehadfinishedourtourofinspection。Itistobedoubtedifanywhereelseintheworldcouldtherebefoundsuchaprocessionofpasty—faced,dull—
eyedyoungstersastroopedpastusdownthestairs。Theirappearancewasthenaturalresultofcompellingchildrendressedforwinterweathertositmanyhourseachdayinhothouses,moresuitedtotropicalplantsthantogrowinghumanbeings。