notimetowatchthewindyshadowsskimminglightlyo\'ertheshallows,ortheglitteringsunbeamsflittinginandoutamongtheripples,orthegreattreesbythemarginlookingdownattheirownimage,orthewoodsallgreenandgolden,orthelilieswhiteandyellow,orthesombre-
wavingrushes,orthesedges,ortheorchis,ortheblueforget-me-nots。
Throwthelumberover,man!Letyourboatoflifebelight,packedwithonlywhatyouneed-ahomelyhomeandsimplepleasures,oneortwofriends,worththename,someonetoloveandsomeonetoloveyou,acat,adog,andapipeortwo,enoughtoeatandenoughtowear,andalittlemorethanenoughtodrink;forthirstisadangerousthing。
Youwillfindtheboateasiertopullthen,anditwillnotbesoliabletoupset,anditwillnotmattersomuchifitdoesupset;good,plainmerchandisewillstandwater。Youwillhavetimetothinkaswellastowork。Timetodrinkinlife\'ssunshine-timetolistentotheAEolianmusicthatthewindofGoddrawsfromthehumanheart-stringsaroundus-
timeto-
Ibegyourpardon,really。Iquiteforgot。
Well,weleftthelisttoGeorge,andhebeganit。
\"Wewon\'ttakeatent,suggestedGeorge;\"wewillhaveaboatwithacover。Itiseversomuchsimpler,andmorecomfortable。\"
Itseemedagoodthought,andweadoptedit。IdonotknowwhetheryouhaveeverseenthethingImean。Youfixironhoopsupovertheboat,andstretchahugecanvasoverthem,andfastenitdownallround,fromstemtostern,anditconvertstheboatintoasortoflittlehouse,anditisbeautifullycosy,thoughatriflestuffy;butthere,everythinghasitsdrawbacks,asthemansaidwhenhismother-in-lawdied,andtheycamedownuponhimforthefuneralexpenses。
Georgesaidthatinthatcasewemusttakearugeach,alamp,somesoap,abrushandcomb(betweenus),atoothbrush(each),abasin,sometooth-
powder,someshavingtackle(soundslikeaFrenchexercise,doesn\'tit?),andacoupleofbig-towelsforbathing。Inoticethatpeoplealwaysmakegiganticarrangementsforbathingwhentheyaregoinganywherenearthewater,butthattheydon\'tbathemuchwhentheyarethere。
Itisthesamewhenyougotothesea-side。Ialwaysdetermine-whenthinkingoverthematterinLondon-thatI\'llgetupearlyeverymorning,andgoandhaveadipbeforebreakfast,andIreligiouslypackupapairofdrawersandabathtowel。Ialwaysgetredbathingdrawers。
Iratherfancymyselfinreddrawers。Theysuitmycomplexionso。ButwhenIgettotheseaIdon\'tfeelsomehowthatIwantthatearlymorningbathenearlysomuchasIdidwhenIwasintown。
Onthecontrary,IfeelmorethatIwanttostopinbedtillthelastmoment,andthencomedownandhavemybreakfast。Onceortwicevirtuehastriumphed,andIhavegotoutatsixandhalf-dressedmyself,andhavetakenmydrawersandtowel,andstumbleddismallyoff。ButI
haven\'tenjoyedit。Theyseemtokeepaspeciallycuttingeastwind,waitingforme,whenIgotobatheintheearlymorning;andtheypickoutallthethree-corneredstones,andputthemonthetop,andtheysharpenuptherocksandcoverthepointsoverwithabitofsandsothatIcan\'tseethem,andtheytaketheseaandputittwomilesout,sothatIhavetohuddlemyselfupinmyarmsandhop,shivering,throughsixinchesofwater。AndwhenIdogettothesea,itisroughandquiteinsulting。
Onehugewavecatchesmeupandchucksmeinasittingposture,ashardaseveritcan,downontoarockwhichhasbeenputthereforme。And,beforeI\'vesaid\"Oh!Ugh!\"andfoundoutwhathasgone,thewavecomesbackandcarriesmeouttomid-ocean。Ibegintostrikeoutfranticallyfortheshore,andwonderifIshalleverseehomeandfriendsagain,andwishI\'dbeenkindertomylittlesisterwhenaboy(whenIwasaboy,I
mean)。JustwhenIhavegivenupallhope,awaveretiresandleavesmesprawlinglikeastar-fishonthesand,andIgetupandlookbackandfindthatI\'vebeenswimmingformylifeintwofeetofwater。Ihopbackanddress,andcrawlhome,whereIhavetopretendIlikedit。
Inthepresentinstance,wealltalkedasifweweregoingtohavealongswimeverymorning。
Georgesaiditwassopleasanttowakeupintheboatinthefreshmorning,andplungeintothelimpidriver。Harrissaidtherewasnothinglikeaswimbeforebreakfasttogiveyouanappetite。Hesaiditalwaysgavehimanappetite。GeorgesaidthatifitwasgoingtomakeHarriseatmorethanHarrisordinarilyate,thenheshouldprotestagainstHarrishavingabathatall。
HesaidtherewouldbequiteenoughhardworkintowingsufficientfoodforHarrisupagainststream,asitwas。
IurgeduponGeorge,however,howmuchpleasanteritwouldbetohaveHarriscleanandfreshabouttheboat,evenifwedidhavetotakeafewmorehundredweightofprovisions;andhegottoseeitinmylight,andwithdrewhisoppositiontoHarris\'sbath。
Agreed,finally,thatweshouldtakeTHREEbathtowels,soasnottokeepeachotherwaiting。
Forclothes,Georgesaidtwosuitsofflannelwouldbesufficient,aswecouldwashthemourselves,intheriver,whentheygotdirty。Weaskedhimifhehadevertriedwashingflannelsintheriver,andhereplied:
\"No,notexactlyhimselflike;butheknewsomefellowswhohad,anditwaseasyenough;\"andHarrisandIwereweakenoughtofancyheknewwhathewastalkingabout,andthatthreerespectableyoungmen,withoutpositionorinfluence,andwithnoexperienceinwashing,couldreallycleantheirownshirtsandtrousersintheriverThameswithabitofsoap。
Weweretolearninthedaystocome,whenitwastoolate,thatGeorgewasamiserableimpostor,whocouldevidentlyhaveknownnothingwhateveraboutthematter。Ifyouhadseentheseclothesafter-but,astheshillingshockerssay,weanticipate。
Georgeimpresseduponustotakeachangeofunder-thingsandplentyofsocks,incasewegotupsetandwantedachange;alsoplentyofhandkerchiefs,astheywoulddotowipethings,andapairofleatherbootsaswellasourboatingshoes,asweshouldwantthemifwegotupset。
CHAPTERIV。
THEFOODQUESTION-OBJECTIONSTOPARAFFINEOILASANATMOSPHERE-
ADVANTAGESOFCHEESEASATRAVELLINGCOMPANION-AMARRIEDWOMANDESERTS
HERHOME-FURTHERPROVISIONFORGETTINGUPSET-IPACK-CUSSEDNESS
OFTOOTH-BRUSHES-GEORGEANDHARRISPACK-AWFULBEHAVIOUROF
MONTMORENCY-WERETIRETOREST。
THENwediscussedthefoodquestion。Georgesaid:
\"Beginwithbreakfast。\"(Georgeissopractical。)\"Nowforbreakfastweshallwantafrying-pan\"-(Harrissaiditwasindigestible;butwemerelyurgedhimnottobeanass,andGeorgewenton)-\"atea-potandakettle,andamethylatedspiritstove。\"
\"Nooil,\"saidGeorge,withasignificantlook;andHarrisandIagreed。
Wehadtakenupanoil-stoveonce,but\"neveragain。\"Ithadbeenlikelivinginanoil-shopthatweek。Itoozed。Ineversawsuchathingasparaffineoilistoooze。Wekeptitinthenoseoftheboat,and,fromthere,itoozeddowntotherudder,impregnatingthewholeboatandeverythinginitonitsway,anditoozedovertheriver,andsaturatedthesceneryandspoilttheatmosphere。Sometimesawesterlyoilywindblew,andatothertimesaneasterlyoilywind,andsometimesitblewanortherlyoilywind,andmaybeasoutherlyoilywind;butwhetheritcamefromtheArcticsnows,orwasraisedinthewasteofthedesertsands,itcamealiketousladenwiththefragranceofparaffineoil。
Andthatoiloozedupandruinedthesunset;andasforthemoonbeams,theypositivelyreekedofparaffine。
WetriedtogetawayfromitatMarlow。Welefttheboatbythebridge,andtookawalkthroughthetowntoescapeit,butitfollowedus。Thewholetownwasfullofoil。Wepassedthroughthechurch-yard,anditseemedasifthepeoplehadbeenburiedinoil。TheHighStreetstunkofoil;wewonderedhowpeoplecouldliveinit。AndwewalkedmilesuponmilesoutBirminghamway;butitwasnouse,thecountrywassteepedinoil。
Attheendofthattripwemettogetheratmidnightinalonelyfield,underablastedoak,andtookanawfuloath(wehadbeenswearingforawholeweekaboutthethinginanordinary,middle-classway,butthiswasaswellaffair)-anawfuloathnevertotakeparaffineoilwithusinaboatagain-except,ofcourse,incaseofsickness。
Therefore,inthepresentinstance,weconfinedourselvestomethylatedspirit。Eventhatisbadenough。Yougetmethylatedpieandmethylatedcake。Butmethylatedspiritismorewholesomewhentakenintothesysteminlargequantitiesthanparaffineoil。
Forotherbreakfastthings,Georgesuggestedeggsandbacon,whichwereeasytocook,coldmeat,tea,breadandbutter,andjam。Forlunch,hesaid,wecouldhavebiscuits,coldmeat,breadandbutter,andjam-butNOCHEESE。Cheese,likeoil,makestoomuchofitself。Itwantsthewholeboattoitself。Itgoesthroughthehamper,andgivesacheesyflavourtoeverythingelsethere。Youcan\'ttellwhetheryouareeatingapple-pieorGermansausage,orstrawberriesandcream。Itallseemscheese。Thereistoomuchodouraboutcheese。
Irememberafriendofmine,buyingacoupleofcheesesatLiverpool。
Splendidcheesestheywere,ripeandmellow,andwithatwohundredhorse-powerscentaboutthemthatmighthavebeenwarrantedtocarrythreemiles,andknockamanoverattwohundredyards。IwasinLiverpoolatthetime,andmyfriendsaidthatifIdidn\'tmindhewouldgetmetotakethembackwithmetoLondon,asheshouldnotbecomingupforadayortwohimself,andhedidnotthinkthecheesesoughttobekeptmuchlonger。
\"Oh,withpleasure,dearboy,\"Ireplied,\"withpleasure。\"
Icalledforthecheeses,andtookthemawayinacab。Itwasaramshackleaffair,draggedalongbyaknock-kneed,broken-windedsomnambulist,whichhisowner,inamomentofenthusiasm,duringconversation,referredtoasahorse。Iputthecheesesonthetop,andwestartedoffatashamblethatwouldhavedonecredittotheswifteststeam-rollereverbuilt,andallwentmerryasafuneralbell,untilweturnedthecorner。There,thewindcarriedawhifffromthecheesesfullontooursteed。Itwokehimup,and,withasnortofterror,hedashedoffatthreemilesanhour。Thewindstillblewinhisdirection,andbeforewereachedtheendofthestreethewaslayinghimselfoutattherateofnearlyfourmilesanhour,leavingthecripplesandstoutoldladiessimplynowhere。
Ittooktwoportersaswellasthedrivertoholdhiminatthestation;
andIdonotthinktheywouldhavedoneit,eventhen,hadnotoneofthemenhadthepresenceofmindtoputahandkerchiefoverhisnose,andtolightabitofbrownpaper。
Itookmyticket,andmarchedproudlyuptheplatform,withmycheeses,thepeoplefallingbackrespectfullyoneitherside。Thetrainwascrowded,andIhadtogetintoacarriagewheretherewerealreadysevenotherpeople。Onecrustyoldgentlemanobjected,butIgotin,notwithstanding;and,puttingmycheesesupontherack,squeezeddownwithapleasantsmile,andsaiditwasawarmday。
Afewmomentspassed,andthentheoldgentlemanbegantofidget。
\"Verycloseinhere,\"hesaid。
\"Quiteoppressive,\"saidthemannexthim。
Andthentheybothbegansniffing,and,atthethirdsniff,theycaughtitrightonthechest,androseupwithoutanotherwordandwentout。
Andthenastoutladygotup,andsaiditwasdisgracefulthatarespectablemarriedwomanshouldbeharriedaboutinthisway,andgatheredupabagandeightparcelsandwent。Theremainingfourpassengerssatonforawhile,untilasolemn-lookingmaninthecorner,who,fromhisdressandgeneralappearance,seemedtobelongtotheundertakerclass,saiditputhiminmindofdeadbaby;andtheotherthreepassengerstriedtogetoutofthedooratthesametime,andhurtthemselves。
Ismiledattheblackgentleman,andsaidIthoughtweweregoingtohavethecarriagetoourselves;andhelaughedpleasantly,andsaidthatsomepeoplemadesuchafussoveralittlething。Butevenhegrewstrangelydepressedafterwehadstarted,andso,whenwereachedCrewe,Iaskedhimtocomeandhaveadrink。Heaccepted,andweforcedourwayintothebuffet,whereweyelled,andstamped,andwavedourumbrellasforaquarterofanhour;andthenayoungladycame,andaskedusifwewantedanything。
\"What\'syours?\"Isaid,turningtomyfriend。
\"I\'llhavehalf-a-crown\'sworthofbrandy,neat,ifyouplease,miss,\"heresponded。
Andhewentoffquietlyafterhehaddrunkitandgotintoanothercarriage,whichIthoughtmean。
FromCreweIhadthecompartmenttomyself,thoughthetrainwascrowded。
Aswedrewupatthedifferentstations,thepeople,seeingmyemptycarriage,wouldrushforit。\"Herey\'are,Maria;comealong,plentyofroom。\"\"Allright,Tom;we\'llgetinhere,\"theywouldshout。Andtheywouldrunalong,carryingheavybags,andfightroundthedoortogetinfirst。Andonewouldopenthedoorandmountthesteps,andstaggerbackintothearmsofthemanbehindhim;andtheywouldallcomeandhaveasniff,andthendroopoffandsqueezeintoothercarriages,orpaythedifferenceandgofirst。
FromEuston,Itookthecheesesdowntomyfriend\'shouse。Whenhiswifecameintotheroomshesmeltroundforaninstant。Thenshesaid:
\"Whatisit?Tellmetheworst。\"
Isaid:
\"It\'scheeses。TomboughttheminLiverpool,andaskedmetobringthemupwithme。\"
AndIaddedthatIhopedsheunderstoodthatithadnothingtodowithme;andshesaidthatshewassureofthat,butthatshewouldspeaktoTomaboutitwhenhecameback。
MyfriendwasdetainedinLiverpoollongerthanheexpected;and,threedayslater,ashehadn\'treturnedhome,hiswifecalledonme。Shesaid:
\"WhatdidTomsayaboutthosecheeses?\"
Irepliedthathehaddirectedtheyweretobekeptinamoistplace,andthatnobodywastotouchthem。
Shesaid:
\"Nobody\'slikelytotouchthem。Hadhesmeltthem?\"
Ithoughthehad,andaddedthatheseemedgreatlyattachedtothem。
\"Youthinkhewouldbeupset,\"shequeried,\"ifIgaveamanasovereigntotakethemawayandburythem?\"
IansweredthatIthoughthewouldneversmileagain。
Anideastruckher。Shesaid:
\"Doyoumindkeepingthemforhim?Letmesendthemroundtoyou。\"
\"Madam,\"Ireplied,\"formyselfIlikethesmellofcheese,andthejourneytheotherdaywiththemfromLiverpoolIshalleverlookbackuponasahappyendingtoapleasantholiday。But,inthisworld,wemustconsiderothers。TheladyunderwhoseroofIhavethehonourofresidingisawidow,and,forallIknow,possiblyanorphantoo。Shehasastrong,Imaysayaneloquent,objectiontobeingwhatsheterms`putupon。\'Thepresenceofyourhusband\'scheesesinherhouseshewould,Iinstinctivelyfeel,regardasa`putupon\';anditshallneverbesaidthatIputuponthewidowandtheorphan。\"
\"Verywell,then,\"saidmyfriend\'swife,rising,\"allIhavetosayis,thatIshalltakethechildrenandgotoanhoteluntilthosecheesesareeaten。Ideclinetoliveanylongerinthesamehousewiththem。\"
Shekeptherword,leavingtheplaceinchargeofthecharwoman,who,whenaskedifshecouldstandthesmell,replied,\"Whatsmell?\"andwho,whentakenclosetothecheesesandtoldtosniffhard,saidshecoulddetectafaintodourofmelons。Itwasarguedfromthisthatlittleinjurycouldresulttothewomanfromtheatmosphere,andshewasleft。
Thehotelbillcametofifteenguineas;andmyfriend,afterreckoningeverythingup,foundthatthecheeseshadcosthimeight-and-sixpenceapound。Hesaidhedearlylovedabitofcheese,butitwasbeyondhismeans;sohedeterminedtogetridofthem。Hethrewthemintothecanal;buthadtofishthemoutagain,asthebargemencomplained。Theysaiditmadethemfeelquitefaint。And,afterthat,hetookthemonedarknightandleftthemintheparishmortuary。Butthecoronerdiscoveredthem,andmadeafearfulfuss。
Hesaiditwasaplottodeprivehimofhislivingbywakingupthecorpses。
Myfriendgotridofthem,atlast,bytakingthemdowntoasea-sidetown,andburyingthemonthebeach。Itgainedtheplacequiteareputation。Visitorssaidtheyhadnevernoticedbeforehowstrongtheairwas,andweak-chestedandconsumptivepeopleusedtothrongthereforyearsafterwards。
FondasIamofcheese,therefore,IholdthatGeorgewasrightindecliningtotakeany。
\"Weshan\'twantanytea,\"saidGeorge(Harris\'sfacefellatthis);\"butwe\'llhaveagoodround,square,slap-upmealatseven-dinner,tea,andsuppercombined。\"
Harrisgrewmorecheerful。Georgesuggestedmeatandfruitpies,coldmeat,tomatoes,fruit,andgreenstuff。Fordrink,wetooksomewonderfulstickyconcoctionofHarris\'s,whichyoumixedwithwaterandcalledlemonade,plentyoftea,andabottleofwhisky,incase,asGeorgesaid,wegotupset。
ItseemedtomethatGeorgeharpedtoomuchonthegetting-upsetidea。
Itseemedtomethewrongspirittogoaboutthetripin。
ButI\'mgladwetookthewhisky。
Wedidn\'ttakebeerorwine。Theyareamistakeuptheriver。Theymakeyoufeelsleepyandheavy。Aglassintheeveningwhenyouaredoingamouchroundthetownandlookingatthegirlsisallrightenough;butdon\'tdrinkwhenthesunisblazingdownonyourhead,andyou\'vegothardworktodo。
Wemadealistofthethingstobetaken,andaprettylengthyoneitwas,beforewepartedthatevening。Thenextday,whichwasFriday,wegotthemalltogether,andmetintheeveningtopack。WegotabigGladstonefortheclothes,andacoupleofhampersforthevictualsandthecookingutensils。Wemovedthetableupagainstthewindow,piledeverythinginaheapinthemiddleofthefloor,andsatroundandlookedatit。
IsaidI\'dpack。
Iratherpridemyselfonmypacking。PackingisoneofthosemanythingsthatIfeelIknowmoreaboutthananyotherpersonliving。(Itsurprisesmemyself,sometimes,howmanyofthesesubjectsthereare。)I
impressedthefactuponGeorgeandHarris,andtoldthemthattheyhadbetterleavethewholematterentirelytome。Theyfellintothesuggestionwithareadinessthathadsomethinguncannyaboutit。Georgeputonapipeandspreadhimselfovertheeasy-chair,andHarriscockedhislegsonthetableandlitacigar。
ThiswashardlywhatIintended。WhatIhadmeant,ofcourse,was,thatIshouldbossthejob,andthatHarrisandGeorgeshouldpotteraboutundermydirections,Ipushingthemasideeverynowandthenwith,\"Oh,you-!\"\"Here,letmedoit。\"\"Thereyouare,simpleenough!\"-reallyteachingthem,asyoumightsay。Theirtakingitinthewaytheydidirritatedme。ThereisnothingdoesirritatememorethanseeingotherpeoplesittingaboutdoingnothingwhenI\'mworking。
Ilivedwithamanoncewhousedtomakememadthatway。Hewouldlollonthesofaandwatchmedoingthingsbythehourtogether,followingmeroundtheroomwithhiseyes,whereverIwent。Hesaiditdidhimrealgoodtolookonatme,messingabout。Hesaiditmadehimfeelthatlifewasnotanidledreamtobegapedandyawnedthrough,butanobletask,fullofdutyandsternwork。Hesaidheoftenwonderednowhowhecouldhavegoneonbeforehemetme,neverhavinganybodytolookatwhiletheyworked。
Now,I\'mnotlikethat。Ican\'tsitstillandseeanothermanslavingandworking。Iwanttogetupandsuperintend,andwalkroundwithmyhandsinmypockets,andtellhimwhattodo。Itismyenergeticnature。
Ican\'thelpit。
However,Ididnotsayanything,butstartedthepacking。ItseemedalongerjobthanIhadthoughtitwasgoingtobe;butIgotthebagfinishedatlast,andIsatonitandstrappedit。
\"Ain\'tyougoingtoputthebootsin?\"saidHarris。
AndIlookedround,andfoundIhadforgottenthem。That\'sjustlikeHarris。Hecouldn\'thavesaidaworduntilI\'dgotthebagshutandstrapped,ofcourse。AndGeorgelaughed-oneofthoseirritating,senseless,chuckle-headed,crack-jawedlaughsofhis。Theydomakemesowild。
Iopenedthebagandpackedthebootsin;andthen,justasIwasgoingtocloseit,ahorribleideaoccurredtome。HadIpackedmytooth-
brush?Idon\'tknowhowitis,butIneverdoknowwhetherI\'vepackedmytooth-brush。
Mytooth-brushisathingthathauntsmewhenI\'mtravelling,andmakesmylifeamisery。IdreamthatIhaven\'tpackedit,andwakeupinacoldperspiration,andgetoutofbedandhuntforit。And,inthemorning,IpackitbeforeIhaveusedit,andhavetounpackagaintogetit,anditisalwaysthelastthingIturnoutofthebag;andthenI
repackandforgetit,andhavetorushupstairsforitatthelastmomentandcarryittotherailwaystation,wrappedupinmypocket-
handkerchief。
OfcourseIhadtoturneverymortalthingoutnow,and,ofcourse,I
couldnotfindit。Irummagedthethingsupintomuchthesamestatethattheymusthavebeenbeforetheworldwascreated,andwhenchaosreigned。Ofcourse,IfoundGeorge\'sandHarris\'seighteentimesover,butIcouldn\'tfindmyown。Iputthethingsbackonebyone,andheldeverythingupandshookit。ThenIfounditinsideaboot。Irepackedoncemore。
WhenIhadfinished,Georgeaskedifthesoapwasin。IsaidIdidn\'tcareahangwhetherthesoapwasinorwhetheritwasn\'t;andIslammedthebagtoandstrappedit,andfoundthatIhadpackedmytobacco-pouchinit,andhadtore-openit。Itgotshutupfinallyat10。5p。m。,andthenthereremainedthehamperstodo。Harrissaidthatweshouldbewantingtostartinlessthantwelvehours\'time,andthoughtthatheandGeorgehadbetterdotherest;andIagreedandsatdown,andtheyhadago。
Theybeganinalight-heartedspirit,evidentlyintendingtoshowmehowtodoit。Imadenocomment;Ionlywaited。WhenGeorgeishanged,Harriswillbetheworstpackerinthisworld;andIlookedatthepilesofplatesandcups,andkettles,andbottlesandjars,andpies,andstoves,andcakes,andtomatoes,&c。,andfeltthatthethingwouldsoonbecomeexciting。
Itdid。Theystartedwithbreakingacup。Thatwasthefirstthingtheydid。TheydidthatjusttoshowyouwhattheyCOULDdo,andtogetyouinterested。
ThenHarrispackedthestrawberryjamontopofatomatoandsquashedit,andtheyhadtopickoutthetomatowithateaspoon。
AndthenitwasGeorge\'sturn,andhetrodonthebutter。Ididn\'tsayanything,butIcameoverandsatontheedgeofthetableandwatchedthem。ItirritatedthemmorethananythingIcouldhavesaid。Ifeltthat。Itmadethemnervousandexcited,andtheysteppedonthings,andputthingsbehindthem,andthencouldn\'tfindthemwhentheywantedthem;andtheypackedthepiesatthebottom,andputheavythingsontop,andsmashedthepiesin。
Theyupsetsaltovereverything,andasforthebutter!Ineversawtwomendomorewithone-and-twopenceworthofbutterinmywholelifethantheydid。AfterGeorgehadgotitoffhisslipper,theytriedtoputitinthekettle。Itwouldn\'tgoin,andwhatWASinwouldn\'tcomeout。
Theydidscrapeitoutatlast,andputitdownonachair,andHarrissatonit,anditstucktohim,andtheywentlookingforitallovertheroom。
\"I\'lltakemyoathIputitdownonthatchair,\"saidGeorge,staringattheemptyseat。
\"Isawyoudoitmyself,notaminuteago,\"saidHarris。
Thentheystartedroundtheroomagainlookingforit;andthentheymetagaininthecentre,andstaredatoneanother。
\"MostextraordinarythingIeverheardof,\"saidGeorge。
\"Somysterious!\"saidHarris。
ThenGeorgegotroundatthebackofHarrisandsawit。
\"Why,hereitisallthetime,\"heexclaimed,indignantly。
\"Where?\"criedHarris,spinninground。
\"Standstill,can\'tyou!\"roaredGeorge,flyingafterhim。
Andtheygotitoff,andpackeditintheteapot。
Montmorencywasinitall,ofcourse。Montmorency\'sambitioninlife,istogetinthewayandbeswornat。Ifhecansquirminanywherewhereheparticularlyisnotwanted,andbeaperfectnuisance,andmakepeoplemad,andhavethingsthrownathishead,thenhefeelshisdayhasnotbeenwasted。
Togetsomebodytostumbleoverhim,andcursehimsteadilyforanhour,ishishighestaimandobject;and,whenhehassucceededinaccomplishingthis,hisconceitbecomesquiteunbearable。
Hecameandsatdownonthings,justwhentheywerewantedtobepacked;
andhelabouredunderthefixedbeliefthat,wheneverHarrisorGeorgereachedouttheirhandforanything,itwashiscold,dampnosethattheywanted。Heputhislegintothejam,andheworriedtheteaspoons,andhepretendedthatthelemonswererats,andgotintothehamperandkilledthreeofthembeforeHarriscouldlandhimwiththefrying-pan。
HarrissaidIencouragedhim。Ididn\'tencouragehim。Adoglikethatdon\'twantanyencouragement。It\'sthenatural,originalsinthatisborninhimthatmakeshimdothingslikethat。
Thepackingwasdoneat12。50;andHarrissatonthebighamper,andsaidhehopednothingwouldbefoundbroken。Georgesaidthatifanythingwasbrokenitwasbroken,whichreflectionseemedtocomforthim。Healsosaidhewasreadyforbed。
Wewereallreadyforbed。Harriswastosleepwithusthatnight,andwewentupstairs。
Wetossedforbeds,andHarrishadtosleepwithme。Hesaid:
\"Doyouprefertheinsideortheoutside,J。?\"
IsaidIgenerallypreferredtosleepINSIDEabed。
Harrissaiditwasold。
Georgesaid:
\"WhattimeshallIwakeyoufellows?\"
Harrissaid:
\"Seven。\"
Isaid:
\"No-six,\"becauseIwantedtowritesomeletters。
HarrisandIhadabitofarowoverit,butatlastsplitthedifference,andsaidhalf-pastsix。
\"Wakeusat6。30,George,\"wesaid。
Georgemadenoanswer,andwefound,ongoingover,thathehadbeenasleepforsometime;soweplacedthebathwherehecouldtumbleintoitongettingoutinthemorning,andwenttobedourselves。
CHAPTERV。
MRS。P。AROUSESUS-GEORGE,THESLUGGARD-THE\"WEATHERFORECAST\"
SWINDLE-OURLUGGAGE-DEPRAVITYOFTHESMALLBOY-THEPEOPLEGATHER
ROUNDUS-WEDRIVEOFFINGREATSTYLE,ANDARRIVEATWATERLOO-
INNOCENCEOFSOUTHWESTERNOFFICIALSCONCERNINGSUCHWORLDLYTHINGSAS
TRAINS-WEAREAFLOAT,AFLOATINANOPENBOAT。
ITwasMrs。Poppetsthatwokemeupnextmorning。
Shesaid:
\"Doyouknowthatit\'snearlynineo\'clock,sir?\"
\"Nineo\'what?\"Icried,startingup。
\"Nineo\'clock,\"shereplied,throughthekeyhole。\"Ithoughtyouwasa-
oversleepingyourselves。\"
IwokeHarris,andtoldhim。Hesaid:
\"Ithoughtyouwantedtogetupatsix?\"
\"SoIdid,\"Ianswered;\"whydidn\'tyouwakeme?\"
\"HowcouldIwakeyou,whenyoudidn\'twakeme?\"heretorted。\"Nowweshan\'tgetonthewatertillaftertwelve。Iwonderyoutakethetroubletogetupatall。\"
\"Um,\"Ireplied,\"luckyforyouthatIdo。IfIhadn\'twokeyou,you\'dhavelainthereforthewholefortnight。\"
Wesnarledatoneanotherinthisstrainforthenextfewminutes,whenwewereinterruptedbyadefiantsnorefromGeorge。
Itremindedus,forthefirsttimesinceourbeingcalled,ofhisexistence。
Therehelay-themanwhohadwantedtoknowwhattimeheshouldwakeus-onhisback,withhismouthwideopen,andhiskneesstuckup。
Idon\'tknowwhyitshouldbe,Iamsure;butthesightofanothermanasleepinbedwhenIamup,maddensme。Itseemstomesoshockingtoseetheprecioushoursofaman\'slife-thepricelessmomentsthatwillnevercomebacktohimagain-beingwastedinmerebrutishsleep。
TherewasGeorge,throwingawayinhideoussloththeinestimablegiftoftime;hisvaluablelife,everysecondofwhichhewouldhavetoaccountforhereafter,passingawayfromhim,unused。Hemighthavebeenupstuffinghimselfwitheggsandbacon,irritatingthedog,orflirtingwiththeslavey,insteadofsprawlingthere,sunkinsoul-cloggingoblivion。
Itwasaterriblethought。HarrisandIappearedtobestruckbyitatthesameinstant。Wedeterminedtosavehim,and,inthisnobleresolve,ourowndisputewasforgotten。Weflewacrossandslungtheclothesoffhim,andHarrislandedhimonewithaslipper,andIshoutedinhisear,andheawoke。
\"Wasermarrer?\"heobserved,sittingup。
\"Getup,youfat-headedchunk!\"roaredHarris。\"It\'squartertoten。\"
\"What!\"heshrieked,jumpingoutofbedintothebath;\"Whothethunderputthisthinghere?\"
Wetoldhimhemusthavebeenafoolnottoseethebath。
Wefinisheddressing,and,whenitcametotheextras,werememberedthatwehadpackedthetooth-brushesandthebrushandcomb(thattooth-brushofminewillbethedeathofme,Iknow),andwehadtogodownstairs,andfishthemoutofthebag。AndwhenwehaddonethatGeorgewantedtheshavingtackle。Wetoldhimthathewouldhavetogowithoutshavingthatmorning,asweweren\'tgoingtounpackthatbagagainforhim,norforanyonelikehim。
Hesaid:
\"Don\'tbeabsurd。HowcanIgointotheCitylikethis?\"
ItwascertainlyratherroughontheCity,butwhatcaredweforhumansuffering?AsHarrissaid,inhiscommon,vulgarway,theCitywouldhavetolumpit。
Wewentdownstairstobreakfast。Montmorencyhadinvitedtwootherdogstocomeandseehimoff,andtheywerewhilingawaythetimebyfightingonthedoorstep。Wecalmedthemwithanumbrella,andsatdowntochopsandcoldbeef。
Harrissaid:
\"Thegreatthingistomakeagoodbreakfast,\"andhestartedwithacoupleofchops,sayingthathewouldtakethesewhiletheywerehot,asthebeefcouldwait。
Georgegotholdofthepaper,andreadusouttheboatingfatalities,andtheweatherforecast,whichlatterprophesied\"rain,cold,wettofine\"
(whatevermorethanusuallyghastlythinginweatherthatmaybe),\"occasionallocalthunder-storms,eastwind,withgeneraldepressionovertheMidlandCounties(LondonandChannel)。Bar。falling。\"
Idothinkthat,ofallthesilly,irritatingtomfoolishnessbywhichweareplagued,this\"weather-forecast\"fraudisaboutthemostaggravating。
It\"forecasts\"preciselywhathappenedyesterdayorathedaybefore,andpreciselytheoppositeofwhatisgoingtohappento-day。
Irememberaholidayofminebeingcompletelyruinedonelateautumnbyourpayingattentiontotheweatherreportofthelocalnewspaper。
\"Heavyshowers,withthunderstorms,maybeexpectedto-day,\"itwouldsayonMonday,andsowewouldgiveupourpicnic,andstopindoorsallday,waitingfortherain-Andpeoplewouldpassthehouse,goingoffinwagonettesandcoachesasjollyandmerryascouldbe,thesunshiningout,andnotacloudtobeseen。
\"Ah!\"wesaid,aswestoodlookingoutatthemthroughthewindow,\"won\'ttheycomehomesoaked!\"
Andwechuckledtothinkhowwettheyweregoingtoget,andcamebackandstirredthefire,andgotourbooks,andarrangedourspecimensofseaweedandcockleshells。Bytwelveo\'clock,withthesunpouringintotheroom,theheatbecamequiteoppressive,andwewonderedwhenthoseheavyshowersandoccasionalthunderstormsweregoingtobegin。
\"Ah!they\'llcomeintheafternoon,you\'llfind,\"wesaidtoeachother。
\"Oh,WON\'Tthosepeoplegetwet。Whatalark!\"
Atoneo\'clock,thelandladywouldcomeintoaskifweweren\'tgoingout,asitseemedsuchalovelyday。
\"No,no,\"wereplied,withaknowingchuckle,\"notwe。WEdon\'tmeantogetwet-no,no。\"
Andwhentheafternoonwasnearlygone,andstilltherewasnosignofrain,wetriedtocheerourselvesupwiththeideathatitwouldcomedownallatonce,justasthepeoplehadstartedforhome,andwereoutofthereachofanyshelter,andthattheywouldthusgetmoredrenchedthanever。Butnotadropeverfell,anditfinishedagrandday,andalovelynightafterit。
Thenextmorningwewouldreadthatitwasgoingtobea\"warm,finetoset-fairday;muchheat;\"andwewoulddressourselvesinflimsythings,andgoout,and,half-an-hourafterwehadstarted,itwouldcommencetorainhard,andabitterlycoldwindwouldspringup,andbothwouldkeeponsteadilyforthewholeday,andwewouldcomehomewithcoldsandrheumatismalloverus,andgotobed。
Theweatherisathingthatisbeyondmealtogether。Inevercanunderstandit。Thebarometerisuseless:itisasmisleadingasthenewspaperforecast。
TherewasonehangingupinahotelatOxfordatwhichIwasstayinglastspring,and,whenIgotthere,itwaspointingto\"setfair。\"Itwassimplypouringwithrainoutside,andhadbeenallday;andIcouldn\'tquitemakemattersout。Itappedthebarometer,anditjumpedupandpointedto\"verydry。\"TheBootsstoppedashewaspassing,andsaidheexpecteditmeantto-morrow。Ifanciedthatmaybeitwasthinkingoftheweekbeforelast,butBootssaid,No,hethoughtnot。
Itappeditagainthenextmorning,anditwentupstillhigher,andtheraincamedownfasterthanever。OnWednesdayIwentandhititagain,andthepointerwentroundtowards\"setfair,\"\"verydry,\"and\"muchheat,\"untilitwasstoppedbythepeg,andcouldn\'tgoanyfurther。Ittrieditsbest,buttheinstrumentwasbuiltsothatitcouldn\'tprophesyfineweatheranyharderthanitdidwithoutbreakingitself。Itevidentlywantedtogoon,andprognosticatedrought,andwaterfamine,andsunstroke,andsimooms,andsuchthings,butthepegpreventedit,andithadtobecontentwithpointingtothemerecommonplace\"verydry。\"
Meanwhile,theraincamedowninasteadytorrent,andthelowerpartofthetownwasunderwater,owingtotheriverhavingoverflowed。
BootssaiditwasevidentthatweweregoingtohaveaprolongedspellofgrandweatherSOMETIME,andreadoutapoemwhichwasprintedoverthetopoftheoracle,about\"Longforetold,longlast;
Shortnotice,soonpast。\"
Thefineweathernevercamethatsummer。Iexpectthatmachinemusthavebeenreferringtothefollowingspring。
Thentherearethosenewstyleofbarometers,thelongstraightones。I
nevercanmakeheadortailofthose。Thereisonesidefor10a。m。
yesterday,andonesidefor10a。m。to-day;butyoucan\'talwaysgetthereasearlyasten,youknow。Itrisesorfallsforrainandfine,withmuchorlesswind,andoneendis\"Nly\"andtheother\"Ely\"(what\'sElygottodowithit?),andifyoutapit,itdoesn\'ttellyouanything。
Andyou\'vegottocorrectittosea-level,andreduceittoFahrenheit,andeventhenIdon\'tknowtheanswer。
Butwhowantstobeforetoldtheweather?Itisbadenoughwhenitcomes,withoutourhavingthemiseryofknowingaboutitbeforehand。Theprophetwelikeistheoldmanwho,ontheparticularlygloomy-lookingmorningofsomedaywhenweparticularlywantittobefine,looksroundthehorizonwithaparticularlyknowingeye,andsays:
\"Ohno,sir,Ithinkitwillclearupallright。Itwillbreakallrightenough,sir。\"
\"Ah,heknows\",wesay,aswewishhimgood-morning,andstartoff;
\"wonderfulhowtheseoldfellowscantell!\"
AndwefeelanaffectionforthatmanwhichisnotatalllessenedbythecircumstancesofitsNOTclearingup,butcontinuingtorainsteadilyallday。
\"Ah,well,\"wefeel,\"hedidhisbest。\"
Forthemanthatprophesiesusbadweather,onthecontrary,weentertainonlybitterandrevengefulthoughts。
\"Goingtoclearup,d\'yethink?\"weshout,cheerily,aswepass。
\"Well,no,sir;I\'mafraidit\'ssettleddownfortheday,\"hereplies,shakinghishead。
\"Stupidoldfool!\"wemutter,\"what\'sHEknowaboutit?\"And,ifhisportentprovescorrect,wecomebackfeelingstillmoreangryagainsthim,andwithavaguenotionthat,somehoworother,hehashadsomethingtodowithit。
ItwastoobrightandsunnyonthisespecialmorningforGeorge\'sblood-
curdlingreadingsabout\"Bar。falling,\"\"atmosphericdisturbance,passinginanobliquelineoverSouthernEurope,\"and\"pressureincreasing,\"toverymuchupsetus:andso,findingthathecouldnotmakeuswretched,andwasonlywastinghistime,hesneakedthecigarettethatIhadcarefullyrolledupformyself,andwent。
ThenHarrisandI,havingfinishedupthefewthingsleftonthetable,cartedoutourluggageontothedoorstep,andwaitedforacab。
Thereseemedagooddealofluggage,whenweputitalltogether。TherewastheGladstoneandthesmallhand-bag,andthetwohampers,andalargerollofrugs,andsomefourorfiveovercoatsandmacintoshes,andafewumbrellas,andthentherewasamelonbyitselfinabag,becauseitwastoobulkytogoinanywhere,andacoupleofpoundsofgrapesinanotherbag,andaJapanesepaperumbrella,andafryingpan,which,beingtoolongtopack,wehadwrappedroundwithbrownpaper。
Itdidlookalot,andHarrisandIbegantofeelratherashamedofit,thoughwhyweshouldbe,Ican\'tsee。Nocabcameby,butthestreetboysdid,andgotinterestedintheshow,apparently,andstopped。
Biggs\'sboywasthefirsttocomeround。Biggsisourgreengrocer,andhischieftalentliesinsecuringtheservicesofthemostabandonedandunprinciplederrand-boysthatcivilisationhasasyetproduced。Ifanythingmorethanusuallyvillainousintheboy-linecropsupinourneighbourhood,weknowthatitisBiggs\'slatest。Iwastoldthat,atthetimeoftheGreatCoramStreetmurder,itwaspromptlyconcludedbyourstreetthatBiggs\'sboy(forthatperiod)wasatthebottomofit,andhadhenotbeenable,inreplytotheseverecross-examinationtowhichhewassubjectedbyNo。19,whenhecalledthereforordersthemorningafterthecrime(assistedbyNo。21,whohappenedtobeonthestepatthetime),toproveacompleteALIBI,itwouldhavegonehardwithhim。Ididn\'tknowBiggs\'sboyatthattime,but,fromwhatIhaveseenofthemsince,IshouldnothaveattachedmuchimportancetothatALIBImyself。
Biggs\'sboy,asIhavesaid,cameroundthecorner。Hewasevidentlyinagreathurrywhenhefirstdawneduponthevision,but,oncatchingsightofHarrisandme,andMontmorency,andthethings,heeasedupandstared。HarrisandIfrownedathim。Thismighthavewoundedamoresensitivenature,butBiggs\'sboysarenot,asarule,touchy。Hecametoadeadstop,ayardfromourstep,and,leaningupagainsttherailings,andselectingastrawtochew,fixeduswithhiseye。Heevidentlymeanttoseethisthingout。
Inanothermoment,thegrocer\'sboypassedontheoppositesideofthestreet。Biggs\'sboyhailedhim:
\"Hi!groundflooro\'42\'sa-moving。\"
Thegrocer\'sboycameacross,andtookupapositionontheothersideofthestep。Thentheyounggentlemanfromtheboot-shopstopped,andjoinedBiggs\'sboy;whiletheempty-cansuperintendentfrom\"TheBluePosts\"tookupanindependentpositiononthecurb。
\"Theyain\'ta-goingtostarve,arethey?\"saidthegentlemanfromtheboot-shop。
\"Ah!you\'dwanttotakeathingortwowithYOU,\"retorted\"TheBluePosts,\"\"ifyouwasa-goingtocrosstheAtlanticinasmallboat。\"
\"Theyain\'ta-goingtocrosstheAtlantic,\"struckinBiggs\'sboy;
\"they\'rea-goingtofindStanley。\"
Bythistime,quiteasmallcrowdhadcollected,andpeoplewereaskingeachotherwhatwasthematter。Oneparty(theyoungandgiddyportionofthecrowd)heldthatitwasawedding,andpointedoutHarrisasthebridegroom;whiletheelderandmorethoughtfulamongthepopulaceinclinedtotheideathatitwasafuneral,andthatIwasprobablythecorpse\'sbrother。
Atlast,anemptycabturnedup(itisastreetwhere,asarule,andwhentheyarenotwanted,emptycabspassattherateofthreeaminute,andhangabout,andgetinyourway),andpackingourselvesandourbelongingsintoit,andshootingoutacoupleofMontmorency\'sfriends,whohadevidentlyswornnevertoforsakehim,wedroveawayamidstthecheersofthecrowd,Biggs\'sboyshyingacarrotafterusforluck。
WegottoWaterlooateleven,andaskedwheretheeleven-fivestartedfrom。Ofcoursenobodyknew;nobodyatWaterlooeverdoesknowwhereatrainisgoingtostartfrom,orwhereatrainwhenitdoesstartisgoingto,oranythingaboutit。Theporterwhotookourthingsthoughtitwouldgofromnumbertwoplatform,whileanotherporter,withwhomhediscussedthequestion,hadheardarumourthatitwouldgofromnumberone。Thestation-master,ontheotherhand,wasconvinceditwouldstartfromthelocal。
Toputanendtothematter,wewentupstairs,andaskedthetrafficsuperintendent,andhetoldusthathehadjustmetaman,whosaidhehadseenitatnumberthreeplatform。Wewenttonumberthreeplatform,buttheauthoritiestheresaidthattheyratherthoughtthattrainwastheSouthamptonexpress,orelsetheWindsorloop。Buttheyweresureitwasn\'ttheKingstontrain,thoughwhytheyweresureitwasn\'ttheycouldn\'tsay。
Thenourportersaidhethoughtthatmustbeitonthehigh-levelplatform;saidhethoughtheknewthetrain。Sowewenttothehigh-