ButI’musedtogoinghungrywhenIhaveto。Now，’sayshe，’I’mgoingoutandgetahackandridedowntotheaddressonthisScuddercard。Youstayhereandtrytohustlesomegrub。ButIdoubtifyou’llfindit。I
wishwe’dbroughtalongsomecornmealandbaconandbeans。I’llbebackwhenIseethisScudder，ifthetrailain’twipedout。’
\"SoIstartsforagingforbreakfast。ForthehonourofoldMojadaCountyIdidn’twanttoseemgreentothemabolitionists，soeverytimeIturnedacornerinthemmarblehallsIwentuptothefirstdeskorcounterIseeandlooksaroundforgrub。IfIdidn’tseewhatIwantedIaskedforsomethingelse。InabouthalfanhourIhadadozencigars，fivestorymagazines，andsevenoreightrailroadtime-tablesinmypockets，andneverasmellofcoffeeorbacontopointoutthetrail。
\"OncealadysittingatatableandplayingagamekindoflikepushpintoldmetogointoaclosetthatshecalledNumber3。Iwentinandshutthedoor，andtheblamedthinglititselfup。Isetdownonastoolbeforeashelfandwaited。ThinksI，’Thisisaprivatedining-room。’Butnowaiternevercame。WhenIgottosweatinggoodandhard，Igoesoutagain。
\"’Didyougetwhatyouwanted？’saysshe。
\"’No，ma’am，’saysI。’Notabite。’
\"’Thenthere’snocharge，’saysshe。
\"’Thanky，ma’am，’saysI，andItakesupthetrailagain。
\"ByandbyIthinksI’llshedetiquette；andIpicksuponeofthemboyswithblueclothesandyellowbuttonsinfront，andheleadsmetowhathecallsthecaffaybreakfastroom。AndthefirstthingIlaysmyeyesonwhenIgoinisthatboythathadshotPedroJohnson。Hewassettingallaloneatalittletable，hittingaeggwithaspoonlikehewasafraidhe’dbreakit。
\"Itakesthechairacrossthetablefromhim；andhelooksinsultedandmakesamovelikehewasgoingtogetup。
\"’Keepstill，son，’saysI。’You’reapprehended，arrested，andinchargeoftheTexasauthorities。Goonandhammerthateggsomemoreifit’stheinsideofityouwant。Now，whatdidyoushootMr。Johnson，ofBildad，for？’
\"AndmayIaskwhoyouare？’sayshe。
\"’Youmay，’saysI。’Goahead。’
\"’Isupposeyou’reon，’saysthiskid，withoutbattinghiseyes。’Butwhatareyoueating？Here，waiter！’hecallsout，raisinghisfinger。
’Takethisgentleman’sorder。
\"’Abeefsteak，’saysI，’andsomefriedeggsandacanofpeachesandaquartofcoffeewillaboutsuffice。’
\"Wetalkawhileaboutthesundriesoflifeandthenhesays：
\"’Whatareyougoingtodoaboutthatshooting？Ihadarighttoshootthatman，’sayshe。’HecalledmenamesthatIcouldn’toverlook，andthenhestruckme。Hecarriedagun，too。WhatelsecouldIdo？’
\"’We’llhavetotakeyoubacktoTexas，’saysI。
\"’I’dliketogoback，’saystheboy，withakindofagrin——’ifitwasn’tonanoccasionofthiskind。It’sthelifeIlike。I’vealwayswantedtorideandshootandliveintheopenaireversinceIcanremember。’
\"’Whowasthisgangofstoutpartiesyoutookthistripwith？’Iasks。
\"’Mystepfather，’sayshe，’andsomebusinesspartnersofhisinsomeMexicanminingandlandschemes。’
\"’IsawyoushootPedroJohnson，’saysI，’andItookthatlittlepopgunawayfromyouthatyoudiditwith。AndwhenIdidsoInoticedthreeorfourlittlescarsinarowoveryourrighteyebrow。You’vebeeninrookusbefore，haven’tyou？’
\"’I’vehadthesescarseversinceIcanremember，’sayshe。’Idon’tknowhowtheycamethere。’
\"’WasyoueverinTexasbefore？’saysI。
\"’NotthatIrememberof，’sayshe。’ButIthoughtIhadwhenwestrucktheprairiecountry。ButIguessIhadn’t。’
\"’Haveyougotamother？’Iasks。
\"’Shediedfiveyearsago，’sayshe。
\"Skippingoverthemostofwhatfollowed——whenLukecamebackIturnedthekidovertohim。HehadseenScudderandtoldhimwhathewanted；anditseemsthatScuddergotactivewithoneofthesetelephonesassoonasheleft。Forinaboutanhourafterwardtherecomestoourhotelsomeofthesecityrangersineverydayclothesthattheycalldetectives，andmarchesthewholeoutfitofustowhattheycallamagistrate’scourt。
TheyaccuseLukeofat-temptedkidnapping，andaskhimwhathehastosay。
\"’Thissnipe，’saysLuketothejudge，’shotandwilfullypuncturedwithmaliceandforethoughtoneofthemostrespectedandprominentcitizensofthetownofBildad，Texas，YourHonor。Andinsodoinglaidhimselfliabletothepenitenceoflawandorder。AndIherebymakeclaimanddemandrestitutionoftheStateofNewYorkCityforthesaidallegedcriminal；andIknowhedoneit。’
\"’Haveyoutheusualandnecessaryrequisitionpapersfromthegovernorofyourstate？’asksthejudge。
\"’Myusualpapers，’saysLuke，’wastakenawayfrommeatthehotelbythesegentlemenwhorepresentlawandorderinyourcity。TheywastwoColt’s。45’sthatI’vepackedfornineyears；andifIdon’tget’emback，there’llbemoretrouble。YoucanaskanybodyinMojadaCountyaboutLukeSummers。Idon’tusuallyneedanyotherkindofpapersforwhatIdo。’
\"Iseethejudgelooksmad，soIstepsupandsays：
\"’YourHonor，theaforesaiddefendant，Mr。LukeSummers，sheriffofMojadaCounty，Texas，isasfineamanaseverthrewaropeorupheldthestatutesandcodicilsofthegreateststateintheUnion。Buthe——’
\"ThejudgehitshistablewithawoodenhammerandaskswhoIam。
\"BudOakley，’saysI。’Officedeputyofthesheriff’sofficeofMojadaCounty，Texas。Representing，’saysI，’theLaw。LukeSummers，’Igoeson，’representsOrder。AndifYourHonorwillgivemeabouttenminutesinprivatetalk，I’llexplainthewholethingtoyou，andshowyoutheequitableandlegalrequisitionpaperswhichIcarryinmypocket。’
\"Thejudgekindofhalfsmilesandsayshewilltalkwithmeinhisprivateroom。InthereIputthewholethinguptohiminsuchlanguageasIhad，andwhenwegoesoutside，heannouncestheverdictthattheyoungmanisdeliveredintothehandsoftheTexasauthorities；andcallsthenextcase。
\"Skippingovermuchofwhathappenedonthewayback，I’lltellyouhowthethingwoundupinBildad。
\"Whenwegottheprisonerinthesheriff’soffice，IsaystoLuke：
\"’You，rememberthatkidofyours——thattwo-yearoldthattheystoleawayfromyouwhenthebust-upcome？’
\"Lukelooksblackandangry。He’dneverletanybodytalktohimaboutthatbusiness，andhenevermentionedithimself。
\"’Toethemark，’saysI。’DoyourememberwhenhewastoddlingaroundontheporchandfelldownonapairofMexicanspursandcutfourlittleholesoverhisrighteye？Lookattheprisoner，’saysI，’lookathisnoseandtheshapeofhisheadand——why，youoldfool，don’tyouknowyourownson？——Iknewhim，’saysI，’whenheperforatedMr。Johnsonatthedepot。’
\"Lukecomesovertomeshakingallover。Ineversawhimlosehisnervebefore。
\"’Bud，’sayshe。’I’veneverhadthatboyoutofmymindonedayoronenightsincehewastookaway。ButIneverleton。Butcanweholdhim？
——Canwemakehimstay？——I’llmakethebestmanofhimthateverputhisfootinastirrup。Waitaminute，’sayshe，allexcitedandoutofhismind——’I’vegotsome-thinghereinmydesk——Ireckonit’llholdlegalyet——I’velookedatitathousandtimes——\"Cus-to-dyofthechild，\"saysLuke——\"Cus-to-dyofthechild。\"Wecanholdhimonthat，can’twe？Le’meseeifIcanfindthatdecree。’
\"Lukebeginstotearhisdesktopieces。
\"’Holdon，’saysI。’YouareOrderandI’mLaw。Youneedn’tlookforthatpaper，Luke。Itain’tadecreeanymore。It’srequisitionpapers。
It’sonfileinthatMagistrate’sofficeinNewYork。Itookitalongwhenwewent，becauseIwasofficedeputyandknewthelaw。’
\"’I’vegothimback，’saysLuke。’He’smineagain。Ineverthought——’
\"’Waitaminute，’saysI。’We’vegottohavelawandorder。Youandmehavegottopreserve’embothinMojadaCountyaccordingtoouroathandconscience。ThekidshotPedroJohnson，oneofBildad’smostprominentand——’
\"’Oh，hell！’saysLuke。’Thatdon’tamounttoanything。ThatfellowwashalfMexican，anyhow。’\"
XXIITRANSFORMATIONOFMARTINBURNEY
InbehalfofSirWalter’ssoothingplantletuslookintothecaseofMartinBurney。
TheywereconstructingtheSpeedwayalongthewestbankoftheHarlemRiver。Thegrub-boatofDennisCorrigan，sub-contractor，wasmooredtoatreeonthebank。Twenty-twomenbelongingtothelittlegreenislandtoiledthereatthesinew-crackinglabour。Oneamongthem，whowroughtinthekitchenofthegrub-boatwasoftheraceoftheGoths。OverthemallstoodtheexorbitantCorrigan，harryingthemlikethecaptainofagalleycrew。Hepaidthemsolittlethatmostofthegang，workastheymight，earnedlittlemorethanfoodandtobacco；manyofthemwereindebttohim。Corriganboardedthemallinthegrub-boat，andgavethemgoodgrub，forhegotitbackinwork。
MartinBurneywasfurthestbehindofall。Hewasalittleman，allmusclesandhandsandfeet，withagray-red，stubblybeard。Hewastoolightforthework，whichwouldhavegluttedthecapacityofasteamshovel。
Theworkwashard。Besidesthat，thebanksoftheriverwerehummingwithmosquitoes。Asachildinadarkroomfixeshisregardonthepalelightofacomfortingwindow，thesetoilerswatchedthesunthatbroughtaroundtheonehourofthedaythattastedlessbitter。Afterthesundownsuppertheywouldhuddletogetherontheriverbank，andsendthemosquitoeswhiningandeddyingbackfromthemalignantpuffsoftwenty-threereekingpipes。Thussociallybandedagainstthefoe，theywrenchedoutofthehourafewwell-smokeddropsfromthecupofjoy。
EachweekBurneygrewdeeperindebt。Corrigankeptasmallstockofgoodsontheboat，whichhesoldtothemenatpricesthatbroughthimnoloss。Burneywasagoodcustomeratthetobaccocounter。Onesackwhenhewenttoworkinthemorningandonewhenhecameinatnight，somuchwashisaccountswelleddaily。Burneywassomethingofasmoker。Yetitwasnottruethatheatehismealswithapipeinhismouth，whichhadbeensaidofhim。Thelittlemanwasnotdiscontented。Hehadplentytoeat，plentyoftobacco，andatyranttocurse；sowhyshouldnothe，anIrishman，bewellsatisfied？
Onemorningashewasstartingwiththeothersforworkhestoppedatthepinecounterforhisusualsackoftobacco。
\"There’snomoreforye，\"saidCorrigan。\"Youraccount’sclosed。Yearealosinginvestment。No，noteventobaccy，myson。Nomoretobaccyonaccount。Ifyewanttoworkonandeat，doso，butthesmokeofyehasallascended。’Tismyadvicethatyehuntanewjob。\"
\"Ihavenotobaccytosmokeinmypipethisday，Mr。Corrigan，\"saidBurney，notquiteunderstandingthatsuchathingcouldhappentohim。
\"Earnit，\"saidCorrigan，\"andthenbuyit。\"
Burneystayedon。Heknewofnootherjob。Atfirsthedidnotrealizethattobaccohadgottobehisfatherandmother，hisconfessorandsweetheart，andwifeandchild。
Forthreedayshemanagedtofillhispipefromtheothermen’ssacks，andthentheyshuthimoff，oneandall。Theytoldhim，roughbutfriendly，thatofallthingsintheworldtobaccomustbequickestforthcomingtoafellow-mandesiringit，butthatbeyondtheimmediatetemporaryneedrequisitionuponthestoreofacomradeispressedwithgreatdangertofriendship。
ThentheblacknessofthepitaroseandfilledtheheartofBurney。
Suckingthecorpseofhisdeceaseddudheen，hestaggeredthroughhisdutieswithhisbarrowfulofstonesanddirt，feelingforthefirsttimethatthecurseofAdamwasuponhim。Othermenbereftofapleasuremighthaverecoursetootherdelights，butBurneyhadonlytwocomfortsinlife。Onewashispipe，theotherwasanecstatichopethattherewouldbenoSpeedwaystobuildontheothersideofJordan。
Atmealtimeshewouldlettheothermengofirstintothegrub-boat，andthenhewouldgodownonhishandsandknees，grovellingfiercelyuponthegroundwheretheyhadbeensitting，tryingtofindsomestraycrumbsoftobacco。Oncehesneakeddowntheriverbankandfilledhispipewithdeadwillowleaves。AtthefirstwhiffofthesmokehespatinthedirectionoftheboatandputthefinestcurseheknewonCorrigan——onethatbeganwiththefirstCorrigansbornonearthandendedwiththeCorrigansthatshallhearthetrumpetofGabrielblow。HebegantohateCorriganwithallhisshakingnervesandsoul。Evenmurderoccurredtohiminavaguesortofway。Fivedayshewentwithoutthetasteoftobacco——hewhohadsmokedalldayandthoughtthenightmisspentinwhichhehadnotawakenedforapipefulortwounderthebedclothes。
OnedayamanstoppedattheboattosaythattherewasworktobehadintheBronxPark，wherealargenumberoflabourerswererequiredinmakingsomeimprovements。
AfterdinnerBurneywalkedthirtyyardsdowntheriverbankawayfromthemaddeningsmelloftheothers’pipes。Hesatdownuponastone。HewasthinkinghewouldsetoutfortheBronx。Atleasthecouldearntobaccothere。WhatifthebooksdidsayheowedCorrigan？Anyman’sworkwasworthhiskeep。Butthenhehatedtogowithoutgettingevenwiththehard-heartedscrewwhohadputhispipeout。Wasthereanywaytodoit？
SoftlysteppingamongtheclodscameTony，heoftheraceofGoths，whoworkedinthekitchen。HegrinnedatBurney’selbow，andthatunhappyman，fullofraceanimosityandholdingurbanityincontempt，growledathim：\"Whatd’yewant，ye——Dago？\"
Tonyalsocontainedagrievance——andaplot。He，too，wasaCorriganhater，andhadbeenprimedtoseeitinothers。
\"Howyoulike-aMr。Corrigan？\"heasked。\"Youthink-ahimanice-aman？\"
\"Tohellwith’m，\"hesaid。\"Mayhisliverturntowater，andthebonesofhimcrackinthecoldofhisheart。Maydogfennelgrowuponhisancestors’graves，andthegrandsonsofhischildrenbebornwithouteyes。Maywhiskeyturntoclabberinhismouth，andeverytimehesneezesmayheblisterthesolesofhisfeet。Andthesmokeofhispipe——mayitmakehiseyeswater，andthedropsfallonthegrassthathiscowseatandpoisonthebutterthathespreadsonhisbread。\"
ThoughTonyremainedastrangertothebeautiesofthisimagery，hegatheredfromittheconvictionthatitwassufficientlyanti-Corriganinitstendency。So，withtheconfidenceofafellow-conspirator，hesatbyBurneyuponthestoneandunfoldedhisplot。
Itwasverysimpleindesign。EverydayafterdinneritwasCorrigan’shabittosleepforanhourinhisbunk。Atsuchtimesitwasthedutyofthecookandhishelper，Tony，toleavetheboatsothatnonoisemightdisturbtheautocrat。Thecookalwaysspentthishourinwalkingexercise。Tony’splanwasthis：AfterCorriganshouldbeasleephe（Tony）
andBurneywouldcutthemooringropesthatheldtheboattotheshore。
Tonylackedthenervetodothedeedalone。Thentheawkwardboatwouldswingoutintoaswiftcurrentandsurelyoverturnagainstarocktherewasbelow。
\"Comeonanddoit，\"saidBurney。\"Ifthebackofyeachesfromthelickhegaveyeasthepitofmestomachdoesforthetasteofabitofsmoke，wecan’tcuttheropestooquick。\"
\"Alla-right，\"saidTony。\"Butbetterwait’bout-atenminutemore。
Give-aCorriganplentytimegetgood-asleep。\"
Theywaited，sittinguponthestone。Therestofthemenwereatworkoutofsightaroundabendintheroad。Everythingwouldhavegonewell——
except，perhaps，withCorrigan，hadnotTonybeenmovedtodecoratetheplotwithitsconventionalaccompaniment。Hewasofdramaticblood，andperhapsheintuitivelydivinedtheappendagetovillainousmachinationsasprescribedbythestage。Hepulledfromhisshirtbosomalong，black，beautiful，venomouscigar，andhandedittoBurney。
\"Youlike-asmokewhilewewait？\"heasked。
Burneyclutcheditandsnappedofftheendasaterrierbitesatarat。
Helaidittohislipslikealong-lostsweetheart。Whenthesmokebegantodrawhegavealong，deepsigh，andthebristlesofhisgray-redmoustachecurleddownoverthecigarlikethetalonsofaneagle。Slowlytheredfadedfromthewhitesofhiseyes。Hefixedhisgazedreamilyuponthehillsacrosstheriver。Theminutescameandwent。
\"’Bouttimetogonow，\"saidTony。\"Thatdamn-aCorriganhebeinthereeververyquick。\"
Burneystartedoutofhistrancewithagrunt。Heturnedhisheadandgazedwithasurprisedandpainedseverityathisaccomplice。Hetookthecigarpartlyfromhismouth，butsuckeditbackagainimmediately，cheweditlovinglyonceortwice，andspoke，invirulentpuffs，fromthecornerofhismouth：
\"Whatisit，yeyallerhaythen？Wouldyelaycontrivancesagainsttheenlightenedracesoftheearth，yeinstigatorofillegalcrimes？WouldyeseektopersuadeMartinBurneyintothedirtytricksofanindecentDago？
Wouldyebeformurderin’yourbenefactor，thegoodmanthatgivesyefoodandwork？Takethat，yepunkin-colouredassassin！\"
ThetorrentofBurney’sindignationcarriedwithitbodilyassault。Thetoeofhisshoesentthewould-becutterofropestumblingfromhisseat。
Tonyaroseandfled。Hisvendettaheagainrelegatedtothefilesofthingsthatmighthavebeen。Beyondtheboathefledandaway-away；hewasafraidtoremain。
Burney，withexpandedchest，watchedhislatecoplotterdisappear。Thenhe，too，departed，settinghisfaceinthedirectionoftheBronx。
Inhiswakewasarankandpernicioustrailofnoisomesmokethatbroughtpeacetohisheartanddrovethebirdsfromtheroadsideintothedeepestthickets。
XXIIITHECALIPHANDTHECAD
Surelythereisnopastimemoredivertingthanthatofmingling，incognito，withpersonsofwealthandstation。Whereelsebutinthosecirclescanoneseelifeinitsprimitive，crudestateunhamperedbytheconventionsthatbindthedwellersinalowersphere？
TherewasacertainCaliphofBagdadwhowasaccustomedtogodownamongthepoorandlowlyforthesolaceobtainedfromtherelationoftheirtalesandhistories。Isitnotstrangethatthehumbleandpoverty-strickenhavenotavailedthemselvesofthepleasuretheymightgleanbydonningdiamondsandsilksandplayingCaliphamongthehauntsoftheupperworld？
TherewasonewhosawthepossibilitiesofthusturningthetablesonHarounalRaschid。HisnamewasCornyBrannigan，andhewasatruckdriverforaCanalStreetimportingfirm。AndifyoureadfurtheryouwilllearnhowheturnedupperBroadwayintoBagdadandlearnedsomethingabouthimselfthathedidnotknowbefore。
ManypeoplewouldhavecalledCornyasnob——preferablybymeansofatelephone。Hischiefinterestinlife，hischosenamusement，andhissolediversionafterworkinghours，wastoplacehimselfinjuxtaposition——
sincehecouldnothopetomingle——withpeopleoffashionandmeans。
EveryeveningafterCornyhadputuphisteamanddinedatalunch-counterthatmadeimmediatenessaspecialty，hewouldclothehimselfineveningraimentascorrectasanyyouwillseeinthepalmrooms。Thenhewouldbetakehimselftothatravishing，radiantroadwaydevotedtoThespis，Thais，andBacchus。
Foratimehewouldstrollaboutthelobbiesofthebesthotels，hissoulsteepedinblissfulcontent。Beautifulwomen，cooinglikedoves，butfeatheredlikebirdsofParadise，flickedhimwiththeirrobesastheypassed。Courtlygentlemenattendedthem，gallantandassiduous。AndCorny’sheartwithinhimswelledlikeSirLancelot’s，forthemirrorspoketohimashepassedandsaid：\"Corny，lad，there’snotaguyamong’emthatlooksabittheswellerthanyerself。Andyoudrivin’ofatruckandthemswearin’offtheirtaxesandplayin’theredinartgallerieswiththebestintheland！\"
Andthemirrorsspakethetruth。Mr。CornyBranniganhadacquiredtheoutwardpolish，ifnothingmore。Longandkeenobservationofpolitesocietyhadgainedforhimitsmanner，itsgenteelair，and——mostdifficultofacquirement——itsreposeandease。
NowandtheninthehotelsCornyhadmanagedconversationandtemporaryacquaintancewithsubstantial，ifnotdistinguished，guests。Withmanyofthesehehadexchangedcards，andtheoneshereceivedhecarefullytreasuredforhisownuselater。Leavingthehotellobbies，Cornywouldstrollleisurelyabout，lingeringatthetheatreentrance，droppingintothefashionablerestaurantsasifseekingsomefriend。Herarelypatronizedanyoftheseplaces；hewasnobeecometosuckhoney，butabutterflyflashinghiswingsamongtheflowerswhosecalycesheldnosweetsforhim。Hiswageswerenotlargeenoughtofurnishhimwithmorethantheoutsidegarbofthegentleman。Tohavebeenoneofthebeingshesocunninglyimitated，CornyBranniganwouldhavegivenhisrighthand。
OnenightCornyhadanadventure。Afterabsorbingthedelightsofanhour’sloungingintheprincipalhotelsalongBroadway，hepassedupintothestrongholdofThespis。Cabdrivershailedhimasalikelyfare，tohispridefulcontent。Languishingeyeswereturneduponhimasahopefulsourceoflobstersandthedelectable，ascendantglobulesofeffervescence。TheseoverturesandunconsciouscomplimentsCornyswallowedasmanna，andhopedBill，theoffhorse，wouldbelesslameintheleftforefootinthemorning。
BeneathaclusterofmilkyglobesofelectriclightCornypausedtoadmirethesheenofhislow-cutpatentleathershoes。Thebuildingoccupyingtheanglewasapretentious_cafe_。Outofthiscameacouple，aladyinawhite，cobwebbyeveninggown，withalacewraplikeawreathofmistthrownoverit，andaman，tall，faultless，assured——tooassured。Theymovedtotheedgeofthesidewalkandhalted。Corny’seye，everalertfor\"pointers\"in\"swell\"behaviour，tooktheminwithasidelongglance。
\"Thecarriageisnothere，\"saidthelady。\"Youorderedittowait？\"
\"Iordereditfornine-thirty，\"saidtheman。\"Itshouldbeherenow。\"
Afamiliarnoteinthelady’svoicedrewamoreespecialattentionfromCorny。Itwaspitchedinakeywellknowntohim。Thesoftelectricshoneuponherface。Sistersofsorrowhavenoquartersfixedforthem。
IntheindextothebookofbreakingheartsyouwillfindthatBroadwayfollowsverysoonaftertheBowery。Thislady’sfacewassad，andhervoicewasattunedwithit。Theywaited，asifforthecarriage。Cornywaitedtoo，foritwasoutofdoors，andhewasnevertiredofaccumulatingandprofitingbyknowledgeofgentlemanlyconduct。
\"Jack，\"saidthelady，\"don’tbeangry。I’vedoneeverythingIcouldtopleaseyouthisevening。Whydoyouactso？\"
\"Oh，you’reanangel，\"saidtheman。\"Dependuponwomantothrowtheblameuponaman。\"
\"I’mnotblamingyou。I’monlytryingtomakeyouhappy。\"
\"Yougoaboutitinaverypeculiarway。\"
\"Youhavebeencrosswithmealltheeveningwithoutanycause。\"
\"Oh，thereisn’tanycauseexcept——youmakemetired。\"
Cornytookouthiscardcaseandlookedoverhiscollection。Heselectedonethatread：\"Mr。R。LionelWhyte-Melville，BloomsburySquare，London。\"
ThiscardhehadinveigledfromatouristattheKingEdwardHotel。Cornysteppeduptothemanandpresenteditwithacorrectlyformalair。
\"MayIaskwhyIamselectedforthehonour？\"askedthelady’sescort。
Now，Mr。CornyBranniganhadaverywisehabitofsayinglittleduringhisimitationsoftheCaliphofBagdad。TheadviceofLordChesterfield：
\"Wearablackcoatandholdyourtongue，\"hebelievedinwithouthavingheard。Butnowspeechwasdemandedandrequiredofhim。
\"Nogent，\"saidCorny，\"wouldtalktoaladylikeyoudone。Fieuponyou，Willie！Evenifshehappenstobeyourwifeyououghttohavemorerespectforyourclothesthantochinherbackthatway。Maybeitain’tmybutt-in，butitgoes，anyhow——youstrikemeasbein’awholelottothewrong。\"
Thelady’sescortindulgedinmoreelegantlyexpressedbutfetchingrepartee。Corny，eschewinghistruckdriver’svocabulary，retortedasnearlyashecouldinpolitephrases。Thendiplomaticrelationsweresevered；therewasabriefbutlivelyset-towithotherthanoralweapons，fromwhichCornycamefortheasilyvictor。
Acarriagedashedup，drivenbyatardyandsolicitouscoachman。
\"Willyoukindlyopenthedoorforme？\"askedthelady。Cornyassistedhertoenter，andtookoffhishat。Theescortwasbeginningtoscrambleupfromthesidewalk。
\"Ibegyourpardon，ma’am，\"saidCorny，\"ifhe’syourman。\"
\"He’snomanofmine，\"saidthelady。\"Perhapshe——butthere’snochanceofhisbeingnow。Drivehome，Michael。Ifyoucaretotakethis——withmythanks。\"
ThreeredroseswerethrustoutthroughthecarriagewindowintoCorny’shand。Hetookthem，andthehandforaninstant；andthenthecarriagespedaway。
Cornygatheredhisfoe’shatandbegantobrushthedustfromhisclothes。
\"Comealong，\"saidCorny，takingtheothermanbythearm。
Hislateopponentwasyetalittledazedbythehardknockshehadreceived。Cornyledhimcarefullyintoasaloonthreedoorsaway。
\"Thedrinksforus，\"saidCorny\"meandmyfriend。\"
\"You’reaqueerfeller，\"saidthelady’slateescort——\"lickamanandthenwanttoset’emup。
\"You’remybestfriend，\"saidCornyexultantly。\"Youdon’tunderstand？
Well，listen。Youjustputmewisetosomethin’。Ibeenplayin’gentalongtime，thinkin’itwasjustthegladragsIhadandnothin’else。Say——you’reaswell，ain’tyou？Well，youtrotinthatclass，Iguess。I
don’t；butIfoundoutonething——I’magentleman，by——andIknowitnow。What’llyouhavetodrink？\"
XXIVTHEDIAMONDOFKALI
TheoriginalnewsitemconcerningthediamondofthegoddessKaliwashandedintothecityeditor。Hesmiledandhelditforamomentabovethewastebasket。Thenhelaiditbackonhisdeskandsaid：\"TrytheSundaypeople；theymightworksomethingoutofit。\"
TheSundayeditorglancedtheitemoverandsaid：\"H’m！\"Afterwardhesentforareporterandexpandedhiscomment。
\"YoumightseeGeneralLudlow，\"hesaid，\"andmakeastoryoutofthisifyoucan。Diamondstoriesareadrug；butthisoneisbigenoughtobefoundbyascrubwomanwrappedupinapieceofnewspaperandtuckedunderthecornerofthehalllinoleum。FindoutfirstiftheGeneralhasadaughterwhointendstogoonthestage。Ifnot，youcangoaheadwiththestory。RuncutsoftheKohinoorandJ。P。Morgan’scollection，andworkinpicturesoftheKimberleyminesandBarneyBarnato。Fillinwithatabulatedcomparisonofthevaluesofdiamonds，radium，andvealcutletssincethemeatstrike；andletitruntoahalfpage。\"
Onthefollowingdaythereporterturnedinhisstory。TheSundayeditorlethiseyesprintalongitslines。\"H’m！\"hesaidagain。Thistimethecopywentintothewaste-basketwithscarcelyaflutter。
Thereporterstiffenedalittlearoundthelips；buthewaswhistlingsoftlyandcontentedlybetweenhisteethwhenIwentovertotalkwithhimaboutitanhourlater。
\"Idon’tblamethe’oldman’，\"saidhe，magnanimously，\"forcuttingitout。Itdidsoundlikefunnybusiness；butithappenedexactlyasIwroteit。Say，whydon’tyoufishthatstoryoutofthew-b。anduseit？
Seemstomeit’sasgoodasthetommyrotyouwrite。\"
Iacceptedthetip，andifyoureadfurtheryouwilllearnthefactsaboutthediamondofthegoddessKaliasvouchedforbyoneofthemostreliablereportersonthestaff。
Gen。MarcellusB。Ludlowlivesinoneofthosedecayingbutveneratedoldred-brickmansionsintheWestTwenties。TheGeneralisamemberofanoldNewYorkfamilythatdoesnotadvertise。Heisaglobe-trotterbybirth，agentlemanbypredilection，amillionairebythemercyofHeaven，andaconnoisseurofpreciousstonesbyoccupation。
ThereporterwasadmittedpromptlywhenhemadehimselfknownattheGeneral’sresidenceatabouteightthirtyontheeveningthathereceivedtheassignment。Inthemagnificentlibraryhewasgreetedbythedistinguishedtravellerandconnoisseur，atall，erectgentlemanintheearlyfifties，withanearlywhitemoustache，andabearingsosoldierlythatoneperceivedinhimscarcelyatraceoftheNationalGuardsman。Hisweather-beatencountenancelitupwithacharmingsmileofinterestwhenthereportermadeknownhiserrand。
\"Ah，youhaveheardofmylatestfind。IshallbegladtoshowyouwhatI
conceivetobeoneofthesixmostvaluablebluediamondsinexistence。\"
TheGeneralopenedasmallsafeinacornerofthelibraryandbroughtforthaplush-coveredbox。Openingthis，heexposedtothereporter’sbewilderedgazeahugeandbrilliantdiamond——nearlyaslargeasahailstone。
\"Thisstone，\"saidtheGeneral，\"issomethingmorethanamerejewel。Itonceformedthecentraleyeofthethree-eyedgoddessKali，whoisworshippedbyoneofthefiercestandmostfanaticaltribesofIndia。IfyouwillarrangeyourselfcomfortablyIwillgiveyouabriefhistoryofitforyourpaper。
GeneralLudlowbroughtadecanterofwhiskeyandglassesfromacabinet，andsetacomfortablearmchairfortheluckyscribe。
\"ThePhansigars，orThugs，ofIndia，\"begantheGeneral，\"arethemostdangerousanddreadedofthetribesofNorthIndia。Theyareextremistsinreligion，andworshipthehorridgoddessKaliintheformofimages。
Theirritesareinterestingandbloody。Therobbingandmurderingoftravellersaretaughtasaworthyandobligatorydeedbytheirstrangereligiouscode。Theirworshipofthethree-eyedgoddessKaliisconductedsosecretlythatnotravellerhaseverheretoforehadthehonourofwitnessingtheceremonies。Thatdistinctionwasreservedformyself。
\"WhileatSakaranpur，betweenDelhiandKhelat，IusedtoexplorethejungleineverydirectioninthehopeoflearningsomethingnewaboutthesemysteriousPhansigars。
\"OneeveningattwilightIwasmakingmywaythroughateakwoodforest，whenIcameuponadeepcirculardepressioninanopenspace，inthecentreofwhichwasarudestonetemple。IwassurethatthiswasoneofthetemplesoftheThugs，soIconcealedmyselfintheundergrowthtowatch。
\"Whenthemoonrosethedepressionintheclearingwassuddenlyfilledwithhundredsofshadowy，swiftlyglidingforms。Thenadooropenedinthetemple，exposingabrightlyilluminatedimageofthegoddessKali，beforewhichawhite-robedpriestbeganabarbarousincantation，whilethetribeofworshippersprostratedthemselvesupontheearth。
\"Butwhatinterestedmemostwasthecentraleyeofthehugewoodenidol。
Icouldseebyitsflashingbrilliancythatitwasanimmensediamondofthepurestwater。
\"AftertheriteswereconcludedtheThugsslippedawayintotheforestassilentlyastheyhadcome。Theprieststoodforafewminutesinthedoorofthetempleenjoyingthecoolofthenightbeforeclosinghisratherwarmquarters。Suddenlyadark，litheshadowslippeddownintothehollow，leapeduponthepriest；andstruckhimdownwithaglitteringknife。ThenthemurderersprangattheimageofthegoddesslikeacatandpriedouttheglowingcentraleyeofKaliwithhisweapon。Straighttowardmeheranwithhisroyalprize。WhenhewaswithintwopacesI
rosetomyfeetandstruckhimwithallmyforcebetweentheeyes。Herolledoversenselessandthemagnificentjewelfellfromhishand。Thatisthesplendidbluediamondyouhavejustseen——astoneworthyofamonarch’scrown。\"
\"That’sacorkingstory，\"saidthereporter。\"ThatdecanterisexactlyliketheonethatJohnW。Gatesalwayssetsoutduringaninterview。\"
\"Pardonme，\"saidGeneralLudlow，\"forforgettinghospitalityintheexcitementofmynarrative。Helpyourself。\"
\"Here’slookingatyou，\"saidthereporter。
\"WhatIamafraidofnow，\"saidtheGeneral，loweringhisvoice，\"isthatImayberobbedofthediamond。Thejewelthatformedaneyeoftheirgoddessistheirmostsacredsymbol。Somehowthetribesuspectedmeofhavingit；andmembersofthebandhavefollowedmehalfaroundtheearth。Theyarethemostcunningandcruelfanaticsintheworld，andtheirreligiousvowswouldcompelthemtoassassinatetheunbelieverwhohasdesecratedtheirsacredtreasure。
\"OnceinLucknowthreeoftheiragents，disguisedasservantsinahotel，endeavouredtostranglemewithatwistedcloth。Again，inLondon，twoThugs，madeupasstreetmusicians，climbedintomywindowatnightandattackedme。Theyhaveeventrackedmetothiscountry。Mylifeisneversafe。Amonthago，whileIwasatahotelintheBerkshires，threeofthemspranguponmefromtheroadsideweeds。Isavedmyselfthenbymyknowledgeoftheircustoms。\"
\"Howwasthat，General？\"askedthereporter。
\"Therewasacowgrazingnearby，\"saidGeneralLudlow，\"agentleJerseycow。Irantohersideandstood。ThethreeThugsceasedtheirattack，kneltandstruckthegroundthricewiththeirforeheads。Then，aftermanyrespectfulsalaams，theydeparted。\"
\"Afraidthecowwouldhook？\"askedthereporter。
\"No；thecowisasacredanimaltothePhansigars。Nexttotheirgoddesstheyworshipthecow。Theyhaveneverbeenknowntocommitanydeedofviolenceinthepresenceoftheanimaltheyreverence。\"
\"It’samightyinterestingstory，\"saidthereporter。
\"Ifyoudon’tmindI’lltakeanotherdrink，andthenafewnotes。\"
\"Iwilljoinyou，\"saidGeneralLudlow，withacourteouswaveofhishand。
\"IfIwereyou，\"advisedthereporter，\"I’dtakethatsparklertoTexas。
Getonacowranchthere，andthePharisees——\"
\"Phansigars，\"correctedtheGeneral。
\"Oh，yes；thefancyguyswouldrunupagainstalonghorneverytimetheymadeabreak。\"
GeneralLudlowclosedthediamondcaseandthrustitintohisbosom。
\"ThespiesofthetribehavefoundmeoutinNewYork，\"hesaid，straighteninghistallfigure。\"I’mfamiliarwiththeEastIndiancastofcountenance，andIknowthatmyeverymovementiswatched。Theywillundoubtedlyattempttorobandmurdermehere。\"
\"Here？\"exclaimedthereporter，seizingthedecanterandpouringoutaliberalamountofitscontents。
\"Atanymoment，\"saidtheGeneral。\"ButasasoldierandaconnoisseurI
shallsellmylifeandmydiamondasdearlyasIcan。\"
Atthispointofthereporter’sstorythereisacertainvagueness，butitcanbegatheredthattherewasaloudcrashingnoiseattherearofthehousetheywerein。GeneralLudlowbuttonedhiscoatcloselyandsprangforthedoor。Butthereporterclutchedhimfirmlywithonehand，whileheheldthedecanterwiththeother。
\"Tellmebeforewefly，\"heurged，inavoicethickwithsomeinwardturmoil，\"doanyofyourdaughterscontemplategoingonthestage？\"
\"Ihavenodaughters——flyforyourlife——thePhansigarsareuponus！\"
criedtheGeneral。
Thetwomendashedoutofthefrontdoorofthehouse。
Thehourwaslate。Astheirfeetstrucktheside-walkstrangemenofdarkandforbiddingappearanceseemedtoriseupoutoftheearthandencompassthem。OnewithAsiaticfeaturespressedclosetotheGeneralanddronedinaterriblevoice：
\"Buycastclo’！\"
Another，dark-whiskeredandsinister，spedlithelytohissideandbeganinawhiningvoice：
\"Say，mister，haveyergotadimeferapoorfellerwhat——\"
Theyhurriedon，butonlyintothearmsofablack-eyed，dusky-browedbeing，whoheldouthishatundertheirnoses，whileaconfederateofOrientalhueturnedthehandleofastreetorgannearby。
TwentystepsfartheronGeneralLudlowandthereporterfoundthemselvesinthemidstofhalfadozenvillainous-lookingmenwithhigh-turnedcoatcollarsandfacesbristlingwithunshavenbeards。
\"Runforit！\"hissedtheGeneral。\"TheyhavediscoveredthepossessorofthediamondofthegoddessKali。\"
Thetwomentooktotheirheels。Theavengersofthegoddesspursued。
\"Oh，Lordy！\"groanedthereporter，\"thereisn’tacowthissideofBrooklyn。We’relost！\"
Whennearthecornertheybothfelloveranironobjectthatrosefromthesidewalkclosetothegutter。Clingingtoitdesperately，theyawaitedtheirfate。
\"IfIonlyhadacow！\"moanedthereporter——\"oranothernipfromthatdecanter，General！\"
Assoonasthepursuersobservedwheretheirvictimshadfoundrefugetheysuddenlyfellbackandretreatedtoaconsiderabledistance。
\"Theyarewaitingforreinforcementsinordertoattackus，\"saidGeneralLudlow。
Butthereporteremittedaringinglaugh，andhurledhishattriumphantlyintotheair。
\"Guessagain，\"heshouted，andleanedheavilyupontheironobject。\"Youroldfancyguysorthugs，whateveryoucall’em，areuptodate。DearGeneral，thisisapumpwe’vestrandedupon——sameasacowinNewYork（hic！）see？Thas’hwhythe’nfuriatedsmokedguysdon’tattackus——
see？Sacredan’mal，thepumpinN’York，mydearGeneral！\"
ButfurtherdownintheshadowsofTwenty-eighthStreetthemarauderswereholdingaparley。
\"Comeon，Reddy，\"saidone。\"Let’sgofrisktheold’un。He’sbeenshown’asparklerasbigasaheneggallaroundEighthAvenuefortwoweekspast。\"
\"Notonyoursilhouette，\"decidedReddy。\"Yousee’emrallyin’roundThePump？They’refriendsofBill’s。Billwon’tstandfornothin’ofthiskindinhisdistrictsincehegotthatbidtoEsopus。\"
ThisexhauststhefactsconcerningtheKalidiamond。Butitisdeemednotinconsequenttoclosewiththefollowingbrief（paid）itemthatappearedtwodayslaterinamorningpaper。
\"ItisrumoredthatanieceofGen。MarcellusB。Ludlow，ofNewYorkCity，willappearonthestagenextseason。
\"Herdiamondsaresaidtobeextremelyvaluableandofmuchhistoricinterest。\"
XXVTHEDAYWECELEBRATE
\"Inthetropics\"（\"Hop-along\"Bibb，thebirdfancier，wassayingtome）
\"theseasons，months，fortnights，week-ends，holidays，dog-days，Sundays，andyesterdaysgetsojumbledtogetherintheshufflethatyouneverknowwhenayearhasgonebyuntilyou’reinthemiddleofthenextone。\"
\"Hop-along\"BibbkepthisbirdstoreonlowerFourthAvenue。Hewasanex-seamanandbeachcomberwhomaderegularvoyagestosouthernportsandimportedpersonallyconductedinvoicesoftalkingparrotsanddialecticparoquets。Hehadastiffknee，neck，andnerve。Ihadgonetohimtobuyaparrottopresent，atChristmas，tomyAuntJoanna。
\"Thisone，\"saidI，disregardinghishomilyonthesubdivisionsoftime——
\"thisonethatseemsallred，white，andblue——towhatgenusofbeastsdoeshebelong？Heappealsatoncetomypatriotismandtomyloveofdiscordincolourschemes。\"
\"That’sacockatoofromEcuador，\"saidBibb。\"Allhehasbeentaughttosayis\"MerryChristmas。\"Aseasonablebird。He’sonlysevendollars；andI’llbetmanyahumanhasstuckyouformoremoneybymakingthesamespeechtoyou。\"
AndthenBibblaughedsuddenlyandloudly。
\"Thatbird，\"heexplained，\"remindsme。He’sgothisdatesmixed。Heoughttobesaying’_Epluribusunum_，’tomatchhisfeathers，insteadoftryingtoworktheSantaClausgraft。ItremindsmeofthetimemeandLiverpoolSamgotourideasofthingstangleduponthecoastofCostaRicaonaccountoftheweatherandotherphenomenatobemetwithinthetropics。
\"Wewere，asitwere，strandedonthatsectionoftheSpanishmainwithnomoneytospeakofandnofriendsthatshouldbetalkedabouteither。Wehadstokedandsecond-cookedourselvesdownthereonafruitsteamerfromNewOrleanstotryourluck，whichwasdischarged，afterwegotthere，forlackofevidence。Therewasnoworksuitabletoourinstincts；someandLiverpoolbegantosubsistontheredrumofthecountryandsuchfruitaswecouldreapwherewehadnotsown。Itwasanalluvialtown，calledSoledad，wheretherewasnoharbourorfutureorrecourse。Betweensteamersthetownsleptanddrankrum。Itonlywokeupwhentherewerebananastoship。Itwaslikeamansleepingthroughdinneruntilthedessert。
\"WhenmeandLiverpoolgotsolowdownthattheAmericanconsulwouldn’tspeaktousweknewwe’dstruckbedrock。
\"Weboardedwithasnuff-brownladynamedChica，whokeptarum-shopandaladies’andgents’restaurantinastreetcalledthe_calledelos_
Forty-sevenInconsolableSaints。Whenourcreditplayedoutthere，Liverpool，whosestomachovershadowedhissensationsof_noblesseoblige_，marriedChica。Thiskeptusinriceandfriedplantainforamonth；andthenChicapoundedLiverpoolonemorningsadlyandearnestlyforfifteenminuteswithacasserolehandeddownfromthestoneage，andweknewthatwehadout-welcomedourliver。ThatnightwesignedanengagementwithDonJaimeMcSpinosa，ahybridbananafancieroftheplace，toworkonhisfruitpreservesninemilesoutoftown。Wehadtodoitorbereducedtoseawaterandbrokendosesoffeedandslumber。
\"Now，speakingofLiverpoolSam，Idon’tmalignorinexculpatehimtoyouanymorethanIwouldtohisface。Butinmyopinion，whenanEnglishmangetsaslowashecanhe’sgottododgesothatthedregsofothernationsdon’tdropballastonhimoutoftheirballoons。Andifhe’saLiverpoolEnglishman，why，fire-dampiswhathe’sgottolookoutfor。BeinganaturalAmerican，that’smypersonalview。ButLiverpoolandmehadmuchincommon。Wewerewithoutdecorousclothesorwaysandmeansofexistence；and，asthesayinggoes，miserycertainlydoesenjoythesocietyofaccomplices。
\"OurjobonoldMcSpinosa’splantationwaschoppingdownbananastalksandloadingthebunchesoffruitonthebacksofhorses。Thenanativedressedupinanalligatorhidebelt，amachete，andapairofAAsheetingpajamas，drives’emovertothecoastandpiles’emuponthebeach。
\"Youeverbeeninabananagrove？It’sassolemnasarathskelleratsevenA。M。It’slikebeinglostbehindthescenesatoneofthesemushroommusicalshows。Youcan’tseetheskyforthefoliageaboveyou；
andthegroundiskneedeepinrottenleaves；andit’ssostillthatyoucanhearthestalksgrowingagainafteryouchop’emdown。
\"AtnightmeandLiverpoolherdedinalotofgrasshutsontheedgeofalagoonwiththered，yellow，andblackemployesofDonJaime。Therewelayfightingmosquitoesandlisteningtothemonkeyssquallingandthealligatorsgruntingandsplashinginthelagoonuntildaylightwithonlysnatchesofsleepbetweentimes。
\"Wesoonlostallideaofwhattimeoftheyearitwas。It’sjustabouteightydegreesthereinDecemberandJuneandonFridaysandatmidnightandelectiondayandanyotheroldtime。Sometimesitrainsmorethanatothers，andthat’sallthedifferenceyounotice。Amanisliabletolivealongtherewithoutnoticinganyfugitingoftempusuntilsomedaytheundertakercallsinforhimjustwhenhe’sbeginningtothinkaboutcuttingoutthegangandsavingupalittletoinvestinrealestate。
\"Idon’tknowhowlongweworkedforDonJaime；butitwasthroughtwoortheerainyspells，eightortenhaircuts，andthelifeoftheepairsofsail-clothtrousers。Allthemoneyweearnedwentforrumandtobacco；
butweate，andthatwassomething。
\"AllofasuddenonedaymeandLiverpoolfindthetradeofcommittingsurgicaloperationsonbananastalksturningtoaloesandquinineinourmouths。It’saseizurethatoftencomesuponwhitemeninLatinandgeographicalcountries。Wewantedtobeaddressedagaininlanguageandseethesmokeofasteamerandreadtherealestatetransfersandgents’
outfittingadsinanoldnewspaper。EvenSoledadseemedlikeacentreofcivilizationtous，sothateveningweputourthumbsonournoseatDonJaime’sfruitstandandshookhisgrassburrsoffourfeet。
\"ItwasonlytwelvemilestoSoledad，butittookmeandLiverpooltwodaystogetthere。Itwasbananagrovenearlyalltheway；andwegottwistedtimeandagain。ItwaslikepagingthepalmroomofaNewYorkhotelforamannamedSmith。
\"WhenwesawthehousesofSoledadbetweenthetreesallmydisinclinationtowardthisLiverpoolSamroseupinme。Istoodhimwhileweweretwowhitemenagainstthebananabrindles；butnow，whentherewereprospectsofmyexchangingevencusswordswithanAmericancitizen，Iputhimbackinhisproperplace。Andhewasasight，too，withhisrum-paintednoseandhisredwhiskersandelephantfeetwithleathersandalsstrappedtothem。IsupposeIlookedaboutthesame。
\"’Itlookstome，’saysI，’likeGreatBritainoughttobemadetokeepsuchgin-swilling，scurvy，unbecomingmudlarksasyouathomeinsteadofsending’emoverheretodegradeandtaintforeignlands。WekickedyououtofAmericaonceandweoughttoputonrubberbootsanddoitagain。’
\"’Oh，yougoto’ell，’saysLiverpool，whichwasaboutallthereparteeheeverhad。
\"Well，Soledad，lookedfinetomeafterDonJaime’splantation。
Liverpoolandmewalkedintoitsidebyside，fromforceofhabit，pastthecalabosaandtheHotelGrande，downacrosstheplazatowardChica’shut，wherewehopedthatLiverpool，beingahusbandofhers，mightworkhisluckforameal。
\"Aswepassedthetwo-storylittleframehouseoccupiedbytheAmericanClub，wenoticedthatthebalconyhadbeendecoratedallaroundwithwreathsofevergreensandflowers，andtheflagwasflyingfromthepoleontheroof。Stanzey，theconsul，andArk-right，agold-mineowner，weresmokingonthebalcony。MeandLiverpoolwavedourdirtyhandstoward’emandsmiledrealsocietysmiles；buttheyturnedtheirbackstousandwentontalking。Andwehadplayedwhistoncewiththetwoof’emuptothetimewhenLiverpoolheldallthirteentrumpsforfourhandsinsuccession。
Itwassomeholiday，weknew；butwedidn’tknowthedaynortheyear。
\"AlittlefurtheralongwesawareverendmannamedPendergast，whohadcometoSoledadtobuildachurch，standingunderacocoanutpalmwithhislittleblackalpacacoatandgreenumbrella。
\"’Boys，boys！’sayshe，throughhisbluespectacles，’isitasbadasthis？Areyousofarreduced？’
\"’We’rereduced，’saysI，’toveryvulgarfractions。’
\"’Itisindeedsad，’saysPendergast，’toseemycountrymeninsuchcircumstances。’
\"’Cut’arfofthatout，oldparty，’saysLiverpool。’Cawn’tyoutellamemberoftheBritishupperclasseswhenyouseeone？’
\"’Shutup，’ItoldLiverpool。’You’reonforeignsoilnow，orthatportionofitthat’snotonyou。’
\"’Andonthisday，too！’goesonPendergast，grievous——’onthismostgloriousdayoftheyearwhenweshouldallbecelebratingthedawnofChristiancivilizationandthedownfallofthewicked。’
\"’Ididnoticebuntingandbouquetsdecoratingthetown，reverend，’saysI，’butIdidn’tknowwhatitwasfor。We’vebeensolongoutoftouchwithcalendarsthatwedidn’tknowwhetheritwassummertimeorSaturdayafternoon。’
\"’Hereistwodollars，’saysPendergastdigginguptwoChilisilverwheelsandhanding’emtome。’Go，mymen，andobservetherestofthedayinabefittingmanner。’
\"MeandLiverpoolthankedhimkindly，andwalkedaway。
\"’Shallweeat？’Iasks。
\"’Oh，’ell！’saysLiverpool。’What’smoneyfor？’\"’Verywell，then，’I
says，’sinceyouinsistuponit，we’lldrink。’
\"Sowepullupinarumshopandgetaquartofitandgodownonthebeachunderacocoanuttreeandcelebrate。
\"Nothavingeatenanythingbutorangesintwodays，therumhasimmediateeffect；andoncemoreIconjureupgreatrepugnancetowardtheBritishnation。
\"’Standuphere，’IsaystoLiverpool，’youscumofadespotlimitedmonarchy，andhaveanotherdoseofBunkerHill。Thatgoodman，Mr。
Pendergast，’saysI，’saidweweretoobservethedayinabefittingmanner，andI’mnotgoingtoseehismoneymisapplied。’
\"’Oh，yougoto’ell！’saysLiverpool，andIstartedinwithafineleft-handeronhisrighteye。
\"Liverpoolhadbeenafighteronce，butdissipationandbadcompanyhadtakenthenerveoutofhim。IntenminutesIhadhimlyingonthesandwavingthewhiteflag。
\"’Getup，’saysI，kickinghimintheribs，’andcomealongwithme。’
\"Liverpoolgotupandfollowedbehindmebecauseitwashishabit，wipingtheredoffhisfaceandnose。IledhimtoReverendPendergast’sshackandcalledhimout。
\"’Lookatthis，sir，’saysI——’lookatthisthingthatwasonceaproudBritisher。Yougaveustwodollarsandtoldustocelebratetheday。Thestar-spangledbannerstillwaves。Hurrahforthestarsandeagles！’
\"’Dearme，’saysPendergast，holdinguphishands。’Fightingonthisdayofalldays！OnChristmasday，whenpeaceon——’
\"’Christmas，hell！’saysI。’IthoughtitwastheFourthofJuly。’\"
\"MerryChristmas！\"saidthered，white，andbluecockatoo。
\"Takehimforsixdollars，\"saidHop-alongBibb。\"He’sgothisdatesandcoloursmixed。\"