Afterscoringovermycalmnessinthisgraphicwayhenoddedwisely。
IfIhadseenthesight,heassuredme,IwouldneverforgetitaslongasIlived。Theweatherwastoobadtogivethecorpseaproperseaburial。
Sonextdayatdawntheytookituponthepoop,coveringitsfacewithabitofbunting;hereadashortprayer,andthen,justasitwas,initsoilskinsandlongboots,theylauncheditamongstthosemountainousseasthatseemedreadyeverymomenttoswallowuptheshipherselfandtheterrifiedlivesonboardofher。
\"Thatreefedforesailsavedyou,\"Ithrewin。
\"UnderGod——itdid,\"heexclaimedfervently。\"Itwasbyaspecialmercy,Ifirmlybelieve,thatitstoodsomeofthosehurricanesqualls。\"
\"Itwasthesettingofthatsailwhich——\"Ibegan。
\"God’sownhandinit,\"heinterruptedme。\"Nothinglesscouldhavedoneit。
Idon’tmindtellingyouthatIhardlydaredgivetheorder。
Itseemedimpossiblethatwecouldtouchanythingwithoutlosingit,andthenourlasthopewouldhavebeengone。\"
Theterrorofthatgalewasonhimyet。Ilethimgoonforabit,thensaid,casually——asifreturningtoaminorsubject:
\"Youwereveryanxioustogiveupyourmatetotheshorepeople,Ibelieve?\"
Hewas。Tothelaw。Hisobscuretenacityonthatpointhadinitsomethingincomprehensibleandalittleawful;something,asitwere,mystical,quiteapartfromhisanxietythatheshouldnotbesuspectedof\"countenancinganydoingsofthatsort。\"
Seven-and-thirtyvirtuousyearsatsea,ofwhichovertwentyofimmaculatecommand,andthelastfifteenintheSephora,seemedtohavelaidhimundersomepitilessobligation。
\"Andyouknow,\"hewenton,gropingshame-facedlyamongsthisfeelings,\"Ididnotengagethatyoungfellow。Hispeoplehadsomeinterestwithmyowners。Iwasinawayforcedtotakehimon。
Helookedverysmart,verygentlemanly,andallthat。
Butdoyouknow——Ineverlikedhim,somehow。Iamaplainman。
Yousee,hewasn’texactlythesortforthechiefmateofashipliketheSephora。\"
IhadbecomesoconnectedinthoughtsandimpressionswiththesecretsharerofmycabinthatIfeltasifI,personally,werebeinggiventounderstandthatI,too,wasnotthesortthatwouldhavedoneforthechiefmateofashipliketheSephora。
Ihadnodoubtofitinmymind。
\"Notatallthestyleofman。Youunderstand,\"heinsisted,superfluously,lookinghardatme。
Ismiledurbanely。Heseemedatalossforawhile。
\"IsupposeImustreportasuicide。\"
\"Begpardon?\"
\"Suicide!That’swhatI’llhavetowritetomyownersdirectlyIgetin。\"
\"Unlessyoumanagetorecoverhimbeforetomorrow,\"
Iassented,dispassionately……\"Imean,alive。\"
HemumbledsomethingwhichIreallydidnotcatch,andIturnedmyeartohiminapuzzledmanner。Hefairlybawled:
\"Theland——Isay,themainlandisatleastsevenmilesoffmyanchorage。\"
\"Aboutthat。\"
Mylackofexcitement,ofcuriosity,ofsurprise,ofanysortofpronouncedinterest,begantoarousehisdistrust。
ButexceptforthefelicitouspretenseofdeafnessIhadnottriedtopretendanything。Ihadfeltutterlyincapableofplayingthepartofignoranceproperly,andthereforewasafraidtotry。
Itisalsocertainthathehadbroughtsomeready-madesuspicionswithhim,andthatheviewedmypolitenessasastrangeandunnaturalphenomenon。AndyethowelsecouldIhavereceivedhim?
Notheartily!Thatwasimpossibleforpsychologicalreasons,whichIneednotstatehere。Myonlyobjectwastokeepoffhisinquiries。Surlily?Yes,butsurlinessmighthaveprovokedapoint-blankquestion。Fromitsnoveltytohimandfromitsnature,punctiliouscourtesywasthemannerbestcalculatedtorestraintheman。
Buttherewasthedangerofhisbreakingthroughmydefensebluntly。
Icouldnot,Ithink,havemethimbyadirectlie,alsoforpsychological(notmoral)reasons。IfhehadonlyknownhowafraidIwasofhisputtingmyfeelingofidentitywiththeothertothetest!
But,strangelyenough——(Ithoughtofitonlyafterwards)——
Ibelievethathewasnotalittledisconcertedbythereversesideofthatweirdsituation,bysomethinginmethatremindedhimofthemanhewasseeking——suggestedamysterioussimilitudetotheyoungfellowhehaddistrustedanddislikedfromthefirst。
Howeverthatmighthavebeen,thesilencewasnotveryprolonged。
Hetookanotherobliquestep。
\"IreckonIhadnomorethanatwo-milepulltoyourship。
Notabitmore。\"
\"Andquiteenough,too,inthisawfulheat,\"Isaid。
Anotherpausefullofmistrustfollowed。Necessity,theysay,ismotherofinvention,butfear,too,isnotbarrenofingenioussuggestions。
AndIwasafraidhewouldaskmepoint-blankfornewsofmyotherself。
\"Nicelittlesaloon,isn’tit?\"Iremarked,asifnoticingforthefirsttimethewayhiseyesroamedfromonecloseddoortotheother。
\"Andverywellfittedout,too。Here,forinstance,\"Icontinued,reachingoverthebackofmyseatnegligentlyandflingingthedooropen,\"ismybathroom。\"
Hemadeaneagermovement,buthardlygaveitaglance。
Igotup,shutthedoorofthebathroom,andinvitedhimtohavealookround,asifIwereveryproudofmyaccomodation。
Hehadtoriseandbeshownround,buthewentthroughthebusinesswithoutanyraptureswhatever。
\"Andnowwe’llhavealookatmystateroom,\"Ideclared,inavoiceasloudasIdaredtomakeit,crossingthecabintothestarboardsidewithpurposelyheavysteps。
Hefollowedmeinandgazedaround。Myintelligentdoublehadvanished。
Iplayedmypart。
\"Veryconvenient——isn’tit?\"
Verynice。Verycomf……\"Hedidn’tfinishandwentoutbrusquelyasiftoescapefromsomeunrighteouswilesofmine。
Butitwasnottobe。Ihadbeentoofrightenednottofeelvengeful;
IfeltIhadhimontherun,andImeanttokeephimontherun。
Mypoliteinsistencemusthavehadsomethingmenacinginit,becausehegaveinsuddenly。AndIdidnotlethimoffasingleitem;
mate’sroom,pantry,storerooms,theverysaillockerwhichwasalsounderthepoop——hehadtolookintothemall。WhenatlastI
showedhimoutonthequarter-deckhedrewalong,spiritlesssigh,andmumbleddismallythathemustreallybegoingbacktohisshipnow。
Idesiredmymate,whohadjoinedus,toseetothecaptain’sboat。
Themanofwhiskersgaveablastonthewhistlewhichheusedtowearhangingroundhisneck,andyelled,\"Sephora’saway!\"
Mydoubledownthereinmycabinmusthaveheard,andcertainlycouldnotfeelmorerelievedthanI。Fourfellowscamerunningoutfromsomewhereforwardandwentovertheside,whilemyownmen,appearingondecktoo,linedtherail。Iescortedmyvisitortothegangwayceremoniously,andnearlyoverdidit。
Hewasatenaciousbeast。Ontheveryladderhelingered,andinthatunique,guiltilyconscientiousmannerofstickingtothepoint:
\"Isay……you……youdon’tthinkthat——\"
Icoveredhisvoiceloudly:
\"Certainlynot……Iamdelighted。Good-by。\"
Ihadanideaofwhathemeanttosay,andjustsavedmyselfbytheprivilegeofdefectivehearing。Hewastooshakengenerallytoinsist,butmymate,closewitnessofthatparting,lookedmystifiedandhisfacetookonathoughtfulcast。
AsIdidnotwanttoappearasifIwishedtoavoidallcommunicationwithmyofficers,hehadtheopportunitytoaddressme。
\"Seemsaveryniceman。Hisboat’screwtoldourchapsaveryextraordinarystory,ifwhatIamtoldbythestewardistrue。
Isupposeyouhaditfromthecaptain,sir?\"
\"Yes。Ihadastoryfromthecaptain。\"
\"Averyhorribleaffair——isn’tit,sir?\"
\"Itis。\"
\"BeatsallthesetaleswehearaboutmurdersinYankeeships。\"
\"Idon’tthinkitbeatsthem。Idon’tthinkitresemblesthemintheleast。\"
\"Blessmysoul——youdon’tsayso!ButofcourseI’venoacquaintancewhateverwithAmericanships,notIsoIcouldn’tgoagainstyourknowledge。It’shorribleenoughforme……Butthequeerestpartisthatthosefellowsseemedtohavesomeideathemanwashiddenaboardhere。Theyhadreally。
Didyoueverhearofsuchathing?\"
\"Preposterous——isn’tit?\"
Wewerewalkingtoandfroathwartthequarter-deck。Nooneofthecrewforwardcouldbeseen(thedaywasSunday),andthematepursued:
\"Therewassomelittledisputeaboutit。Ourchapstookoffense。
`Asifwewouldharborathinglikethat,’theysaid。
`Wouldn’tyouliketolookforhiminourcoal-hole?’Quiteatiff。
Buttheymadeitupintheend。Isupposehediddrownhimself。
Don’tyou,sir?\"
\"Idon’tsupposeanything。\"
\"Youhavenodoubtinthematter,sir?\"
\"Nonewhatever。\"
Ilefthimsuddenly。IfeltIwasproducingabadimpression,butwithmydoubledownthereitwasmosttryingtobeondeck。Anditwasalmostastryingtobebelow。Altogetheranerve-tryingsituation。
ButonthewholeIfeltlesstornintwowhenIwaswithhim。
TherewasnooneinthewholeshipwhomIdaredtakeintomyconfidence。Sincethehandshadgottoknowhisstory,itwouldhavebeenimpossibletopasshimoffforanyoneelse,andanaccidentaldiscoverywastobedreadednowmorethanever……
Thestewardbeingengagedinlayingthetablefordinner,wecouldtalkonlywithoureyeswhenIfirstwentdown。
Laterintheafternoonwehadacautioustryatwhispering。
TheSundayquietnessoftheshipwasagainstus;thestillnessofairandwateraroundherwasagainstus;theelements,themenwereagainstus——everythingwasagainstusinoursecretpartnership;timeitself——forthiscouldnotgoonforever。
TheverytrustinProvidencewas,Isuppose,deniedtohisguilt。
ShallIconfessthatthisthoughtcastmedownverymuch?
Andastothechapterofaccidentswhichcountsforsomuchinthebookofsuccess,Icouldonlyhopethatitwasclosed。
Forwhatfavorableaccidentcouldbeexpected?
\"Didyouheareverything?\"weremyfirstwordsassoonaswetookupourpositionsidebyside,leaningovermybedplace。
Hehad。Andtheproofofitwashisearnestwhisper,\"Themantoldyouhehardlydaredtogivetheorder。\"
Iunderstoodthereferencetobetothatsavingforesail。
\"Yes。Hewasafraidofitbeinglostinthesetting。\"
\"Iassureyouhenevergavetheorder。Hemaythinkhedid,buthenevergaveit。Hestoodtherewithmeonthebreakofthepoopafterthemaintopsailblewaway,andwhimperedaboutourlasthope——
positivelywhimperedaboutitandnothingelse——andthenightcomingon!
Tohearone’sskippergoonlikethatinsuchweatherwasenoughtodriveanyfellowoutofhismind。Itworkedmeupintoasortofdesperation。Ijusttookitintomyownhandsandwentawayfromhim,boiling,and——Butwhat’stheusetellingyou?
YOUknow!……DoyouthinkthatifIhadnotbeenprettyfiercewiththemIshouldhavegotthementodoanything?NotIt!
Thebo’s’nperhaps?Perhaps!Itwasn’taheavysea——itwasaseagonemad!Isupposetheendoftheworldwillbesomethinglikethat;
andamanmayhavethehearttoseeitcomingonceandbedonewithit——
buttohavetofaceitdayafterday——Idon’tblameanybody。
Iwaspreciouslittlebetterthantherest。Only——Iwasanofficerofthatoldcoalwagon,anyhow——\"
\"Iquiteunderstand,\"Iconveyedthatsincereassuranceintohisear。
Hewasoutofbreathwithwhispering;Icouldhearhimpantslightly。
Itwasallverysimple。Thesamestrung-upforcewhichhadgiventwenty-fourmenachance,atleast,fortheirlives,had,inasortofrecoil,crushedanunworthymutinousexistence。
ButIhadnoleisuretoweighthemeritsofthematter——
footstepsinthesaloon,aheavyknock。\"There’senoughwindtogetunderwaywith,sir。\"Herewasthecallofanewclaimuponmythoughtsandevenuponmyfeelings。
\"Turnthehandsup,\"Icriedthroughthedoor。\"I’llbeondeckdirectly。\"
Iwasgoingouttomaketheacquaintanceofmyship。
BeforeIleftthecabinoureyesmet——theeyesoftheonlytwostrangersonboard。Ipointedtotherecessedpartwherethelittlecampstoolawaitedhimandlaidmyfingeronmylips。
Hemadeagesture——somewhatvague——alittlemysterious,accompaniedbyafaintsmile,asifofregret。
Thisisnottheplacetoenlargeuponthesensationsofamanwhofeelsforthefirsttimeashipmoveunderhisfeettohisownindependentword。Inmycasetheywerenotunalloyed。
Iwasnotwhollyalonewithmycommand;fortherewasthatstrangerinmycabin。Orrather,Iwasnotcompletelyandwhollywithher。
Partofmewasabsent。Thatmentalfeelingofbeingintwoplacesatonceaffectedmephysicallyasifthemoodofsecrecyhadpenetratedmyverysoul。Beforeanhourhadelapsedsincetheshiphadbeguntomove,havingoccasiontoaskthemate(hestoodbymyside)totakeacompassbearingofthepagoda,Icaughtmyselfreachinguptohisearinwhispers。
IsayIcaughtmyself,butenoughhadescapedtostartletheman。
Ican’tdescribeitotherwisethanbysayingthatheshied。
Agrave,preoccupiedmanner,asthoughhewereinpossessionofsomeperplexingintelligence,didnotleavehimhenceforth。
AlittlelaterImovedawayfromtherailtolookatthecompasswithsuchastealthygaitthatthehelmsmannoticedit——
andIcouldnothelpnoticingtheunusualroundnessofhiseyes。
Thesearetriflinginstances,thoughit’stonocommander’sadvantagetobesuspectedofludicrouseccentricities。
ButIwasalsomoreseriouslyaffected。Therearetoaseamancertainwords,gestures,thatshouldingivenconditionscomeasnaturally,asinstinctivelyasthewinkingofamenacedeye。
Acertainordershouldspringontohislipswithoutthinking;
acertainsignshouldgetitselfmade,sotospeak,withoutreflection。Butallunconsciousalertnesshadabandonedme。
Ihadtomakeaneffortofwilltorecallmyselfback(fromthecabin)totheconditionsofthemoment。
IfeltthatIwasappearinganirresolutecommandertothosepeoplewhowerewatchingmemoreorlesscritically。
And,besides,therewerethescares。Ontheseconddayout,forinstance,comingoffthedeckintheafternoon(Ihadstrawslippersonmybarefeet)Istoppedattheopenpantrydoorandspoketothesteward。Hewasdoingsomethingtherewithhisbacktome。
Atthesoundofmyvoicehenearlyjumpedoutofhisskin,asthesayingis,andincidentallybrokeacup。
\"Whatonearth’sthematterwithyou?\"Iasked,astonished。
Hewasextremelyconfused。\"Begyourpardon,sir。Imadesureyouwereinyourcabin。\"
\"YouseeIwasn’t。\"
\"No,sir。IcouldhaveswornIhadheardyoumovingintherenotamomentago。It’smostextraordinary……verysorry,sir。\"
Ipassedonwithaninwardshudder。IwassoidentifiedwithmysecretdoublethatIdidnotevenmentionthefactinthosescanty,fearfulwhispersweexchanged。
Isupposehehadmadesomeslightnoiseofsomekindorother。
Itwouldhavebeenmiraculousifhehadn’tatonetimeoranother。
Andyet,haggardasheappeared,helookedalwaysperfectlyself-controlled,morethancalm——almostinvulnerable。
Onmysuggestionheremainedalmostentirelyinthebathroom,which,uponthewhole,wasthesafestplace。
Therecouldbereallynoshadowofanexcuseforanyoneeverwantingtogointhere,oncethestewardhaddonewithit。
Itwasaverytinyplace。Sometimeshereclinedonthefloor,hislegsbent,hisheadsustainedononeelbow。
AtothersIwouldfindhimonthecampstool,sittinginhisgraysleepingsuitandwithhiscroppeddarkhairlikeapatient,unmovedconvict。AtnightIwouldsmugglehimintomybedplace,andwewouldwhispertogether,withtheregularfootfallsoftheofficerofthewatchpassingandrepassingoverourheads。
Itwasaninfinitelymiserabletime。Itwasluckythatsometinsoffinepreserveswerestowedinalockerinmystateroom;
hardbreadIcouldalwaysgetholdof;andsohelivedonstewedchicken,PATEDEFOIEGRAS,asparagus,cookedoysters,sardines——
onallsortsofabominableshamdelicaciesoutoftins。
Myearly-morningcoffeehealwaysdrank;anditwasallI
dareddoforhiminthatrespect。
Everydaytherewasthehorriblemaneuveringtogothroughsothatmyroomandthenthebathroomshouldbedoneintheusualway。Icametohatethesightofthesteward,toabhorthevoiceofthatharmlessman。
Ifeltthatitwashewhowouldbringonthedisasterofdiscovery。
Ithunglikeaswordoverourheads。
Thefourthdayout,Ithink(wewerethenworkingdowntheeastsideoftheGulfofSiam,tackfortack,inlightwindsandsmoothwater)——
thefourthday,Isay,ofthismiserablejugglingwiththeunavoidable,aswesatatoureveningmeal,thatman,whoseslightestmovementIdreaded,afterputtingdownthedishesranupondeckbusily。
Thiscouldnotbedangerous。Presentlyhecamedownagain;
andthenitappearedthathehadrememberedacoatofminewhichIhadthrownoverarailtodryafterhavingbeenwettedinashowerwhichhadpassedovertheshipintheafternoon。
SittingstolidlyattheheadofthetableIbecameterrifiedatthesightofthegarmentonhisarm。Ofcoursehemadeformydoor。
Therewasnotimetolose。
\"Steward,\"Ithundered。MynervesweresoshakenthatI
couldnotgovernmyvoiceandconcealmyagitation。
Thiswasthesortofthingthatmademyterrificallywhiskeredmatetaphisforeheadwithhisforefinger。
Ihaddetectedhimusingthatgesturewhiletalkingondeckwithaconfidentialairtothecarpenter。Itwastoofartohearaword,butIhadnodoubtthatthispantomimecouldonlyrefertothestrangenewcaptain。
\"Yes,sir,\"thepale-facedstewardturnedresignedlytome。
Itwasthismaddeningcourseofbeingshoutedat,checkedwithoutrhymeorreason,arbitrarilychasedoutofmycabin,suddenlycalledintoit,sentflyingoutofhispantryonincomprehensibleerrands,thataccountedforthegrowingwretchednessofhisexpression。
\"Whereareyougoingwiththatcoat?\"
\"Toyourroom,sir。\"
\"Isthereanothershowercoming?\"
\"I’msureIdon’tknow,sir。ShallIgoupagainandsee,sir?\"
\"No!nevermind。\"
Myobjectwasattained,asofcoursemyotherselfintherewouldhaveheardeverythingthatpassed。Duringthisinterludemytwoofficersneverraisedtheireyesofftheirrespectiveplates;butthelipofthatconfoundedcub,thesecondmate,quiveredvisibly。
Iexpectedthestewardtohookmycoatonandcomeoutatonce。
Hewasveryslowaboutit;butIdominatedmynervousnesssufficientlynottoshoutafterhim。SuddenlyIbecameaware(itcouldbeheardplainlyenough)thatthefellowforsomereasonorotherwasopeningthedoorofthebathroom。Itwastheend。
Theplacewasliterallynotbigenoughtoswingacatin。
MyvoicediedinmythroatandIwentstonyallover。
Iexpectedtohearayellofsurpriseandterror,andmadeamovement,buthadnotthestrengthtogetonmylegs。
Everythingremainedstill。Hadmysecondselftakenthepoorwretchbythethroat?Idon’tknowwhatIcouldhavedonenextmomentifIhadnotseenthestewardcomeoutofmyroom,closethedoor,andthenstandquietlybythesideboard。
\"Saved,\"Ithought。\"But,no!Lost!Gone!Hewasgone!\"
Ilaidmyknifeandforkdownandleanedbackinmychair。Myheadswam。
Afterawhile,whensufficientlyrecoveredtospeakinasteadyvoice,Iinstructedmymatetoputtheshiproundateighto’clockhimself。
\"Iwon’tcomeondeck,\"Iwenton。\"IthinkI’llturnin,andunlessthewindshiftsIdon’twanttobedisturbedbeforemidnight。
Ifeelabitseedy。\"
\"Youdidlookmiddlingbadalittlewhileago,\"thechiefmateremarkedwithoutshowinganygreatconcern。
Theybothwentout,andIstaredatthestewardclearingthetable。
Therewasnothingtobereadonthatwretchedman’sface。
Butwhydidheavoidmyeyes,Iaskedmyself。ThenIthoughtI
shouldliketohearthesoundofhisvoice。
\"Steward!\"
\"Sir!\"Startledasusual。
\"Wheredidyouhangupthatcoat?\"
\"Inthebathroom,sir。\"Theusualanxioustone。
\"It’snotquitedryyet,sir。\"
ForsometimelongerIsatinthecuddy。Hadmydoublevanishedashehadcome?Butofhiscomingtherewasanexplanation,whereashisdisappearancewouldbeinexplicable……Iwentslowlyintomydarkroom,shutthedoor,lightedthelamp,andforatimedarednotturnround。WhenatlastIdidI
sawhimstandingbolt-uprightinthenarrowrecessedpart。
ItwouldnotbetruetosayIhadashock,butanirresistibledoubtofhisbodilyexistenceflittedthroughmymind。
Canitbe,Iaskedmyself,thatheisnotvisibletoothereyesthanmine?Itwaslikebeinghaunted。Motionless,withagraveface,heraisedhishandsslightlyatmeinagesturewhichmeantclearly,\"Heavens!whatanarrowescape!\"
Narrowindeed。IthinkIhadcomecreepingquietlyasnearinsanityasanymanwhohasnotactuallygoneovertheborder。
Thatgesturerestrainedme,sotospeak。
Thematewiththeterrificwhiskerswasnowputtingtheshipontheothertack。InthemomentofprofoundsilencewhichfollowsuponthehandsgoingtotheirstationsIheardonthepoophisraisedvoice:\"Hardalee!\"andthedistantshoutoftheorderrepeatedonthemain-deck。Thesails,inthatlightbreeze,madebutafaintflutteringnoise。
Itceased。Theshipwascomingroundslowly:Iheldmybreathintherenewedstillnessofexpectation;onewouldn’thavethoughtthattherewasasinglelivingsoulonherdecks。
Asuddenbriskshout,\"Mainsailhaul!\"brokethespell,andinthenoisycriesandrushoverheadofthemenrunningawaywiththemainbracewetwo,downinmycabin,cametogetherinourusualpositionbythebedplace。
Hedidnotwaitformyquestion。\"Iheardhimfumblinghereandjustmanagedtosquatmyselfdowninthebath,\"hewhisperedtome。
\"Thefellowonlyopenedthedoorandputhisarmintohangthecoatup。
Allthesame——\"
\"Ineverthoughtofthat,\"Iwhisperedback,evenmoreappalledthanbeforeattheclosenessoftheshave,andmarvelingatthatsomethingunyieldinginhischaracterwhichwascarryinghimthroughsofinely。Therewasnoagitationinhiswhisper。
Whoeverwasbeingdrivendistracted,itwasnothe。Hewassane。
Andtheproofofhissanitywascontinuedwhenhetookupthewhisperingagain。
\"Itwouldneverdoformetocometolifeagain。\"
Itwassomethingthataghostmighthavesaid。Butwhathewasalludingtowashisoldcaptain’sreluctantadmissionofthetheoryofsuicide。
Itwouldobviouslyservehisturn——ifIhadunderstoodatalltheviewwhichseemedtogoverntheunalterablepurposeofhisaction。
\"YoumustmaroonmeassoonaseveryoucangetamongsttheseislandsofftheCambodgeshore,\"hewenton。
\"Maroonyou!Wearenotlivinginaboy’sadventuretale,\"Iprotested。
Hisscornfulwhisperingtookmeup。
\"Wearen’tindeed!There’snothingofaboy’staleinthis。
Butthere’snothingelseforit。Iwantnomore。
Youdon’tsupposeIamafraidofwhatcanbedonetome?
Prisonorgallowsorwhatevertheymayplease。
Butyoudon’tseemecomingbacktoexplainsuchthingstoanoldfellowinawigandtwelverespectabletradesmen,doyou?WhatcantheyknowwhetherIamguiltyornot——
orofWHATIamguilty,either?That’smyaffair。
WhatdoestheBiblesay?`Drivenoffthefaceoftheearth。’
Verywell,Iamoffthefaceoftheearthnow。AsIcameatnightsoIshallgo。\"
\"Impossible!\"Imurmured。\"Youcan’t。\"
\"Can’t?……NotnakedlikeasoulontheDayofJudgment。
Ishallfreezeontothissleepingsuit。TheLastDayisnotyet——
and……youhaveunderstoodthoroughly。Didn’tyou?\"
Ifeltsuddenlyashamedofmyself。ImaysaytrulythatIunderstood——
andmyhesitationinlettingthatmanswimawayfrommyship’ssidehadbeenamereshamsentiment,asortofcowardice。
\"Itcan’tbedonenowtillnextnight,\"Ibreathedout。
\"Theshipisontheoff-shoretackandthewindmayfailus。\"
\"AslongasIknowthatyouunderstand,\"hewhispered。
\"Butofcourseyoudo。It’sagreatsatisfactiontohavegotsomebodytounderstand。Youseemtohavebeenthereonpurpose。\"
Andinthesamewhisper,asifwetwowheneverwetalkedhadtosaythingstoeachotherwhichwerenotfitfortheworldtohear,headded,\"It’sverywonderful。\"
Weremainedsidebysidetalkinginoursecretway——
butsometimessilentorjustexchangingawhisperedwordortwoatlongintervals。Andasusualhestaredthroughtheport。
Abreathofwindcamenowandagainintoourfaces。
Theshipmighthavebeenmooredindock,sogentlyandonanevenkeelsheslippedthroughthewater,thatdidnotmurmurevenatourpassage,shadowyandsilentlikeaphantomsea。
AtmidnightIwentondeck,andtomymate’sgreatsurpriseputtheshiproundontheothertack。
Histerriblewhiskersflittedroundmeinsilentcriticism。
Icertainlyshouldnothavedoneitifithadbeenonlyaquestionofgettingoutofthatsleepygulfasquicklyaspossible。
Ibelievehetoldthesecondmate,whorelievedhim,thatitwasagreatwantofjudgment。Theotheronlyyawned。
Thatintolerablecubshuffledaboutsosleepilyandlolledagainsttherailsinsuchaslack,improperfashionthatI
camedownonhimsharply。
\"Aren’tyouproperlyawakeyet?\"
\"Yes,sir!Iamawake。\"
\"Well,then,begoodenoughtoholdyourselfasifyouwere。
Andkeepalookout。Ifthere’sanycurrentwe’llbeclosingwithsomeislandsbeforedaylight。\"
Theeastsideofthegulfisfringedwithislands,somesolitary,othersingroups。Onethebluebackgroundofthehighcoasttheyseemtofloatonsilverypatchesofcalmwater,aridandgray,ordarkgreenandroundedlikeclumpsofevergreenbushes,withthelargerones,amileortwolong,showingtheoutlinesofridges,ribsofgrayrockunderthedarkmantleofmattedleafage。
Unknowntotrade,totravel,almosttogeography,themanneroflifetheyharborisanunsolvedsecret。Theremustbevillages——
settlementsoffishermenatleast——onthelargestofthem,andsomecommunicationwiththeworldisprobablykeptupbynativecraft。
Butallthatforenoon,asweheadedforthem,fannedalongbythefaintestofbreezes,IsawnosignofmanorcanoeinthefieldofthetelescopeIkeptonpointingatthescatteredgroup。
AtnoonIhavenoordersforachangeofcourse,andthemate’swhiskersbecamemuchconcernedandseemedtobeofferingthemselvesundulytomynotice。AtlastIsaid:
\"Iamgoingtostandrightin。Quitein——asfarasIcantakeher。\"
Thestareofextremesurpriseimpartedanairofferocityalsotohiseyes,andhelookedtrulyterrificforamoment。
\"We’renotdoingwellinthemiddleofthegulf,\"Icontinued,casually。
\"Iamgoingtolookforthelandbreezestonight。\"
\"Blessmysoul!Doyoumean,sir,inthedarkamongstthelotofallthemislandsandreefsandshoals?\"
\"Well——ifthereareanyregularlandbreezesatallonthiscoastonemustgetcloseinshoretofindthem,mustn’tone?\"
\"Blessmysoul!\"heexclaimedagainunderhisbreath。
Allthatafternoonheworeadreamy,contemplativeappearancewhichinhimwasamarkofperplexity。AfterdinnerI
wentintomystateroomasifImeanttotakesomerest。
Therewetwobentourdarkheadsoverahalf-unrolledchartlyingonmybed。
\"There,\"Isaid。\"It’sgottobeKoh-ring。I’vebeenlookingatiteversincesunrise。Ithasgottwohillsandalowpoint。
Itmustbeinhabited。Andonthecoastoppositethereiswhatlookslikethemouthofabiggishriver——withsometowns,nodoubt,notfarup。
It’sthebestchanceforyouthatIcansee。\"
\"Anything。Koh-ringletitbe。\"
Helookedthoughtfullyatthechartasifsurveyingchancesanddistancesfromaloftyheight——andfollowingwithhiseyeshisownfigurewanderingontheblanklandofCochin-China,andthenpassingoffthatpieceofpapercleanoutofsightintounchartedregions。
Anditwasasiftheshiphadtwocaptainstoplanhercourseforher。
IhadbeensoworriedandrestlessrunningupanddownthatI
hadnothadthepatiencetodressthatday。Ihadremainedinmysleepingsuit,withstrawslippersandasoftfloppyhat。
Theclosenessoftheheatinthegulfhadbeenmostoppressive,andthecrewwereusedtoseeingmewanderinginthatairyattire。
\"Shewillclearthesouthpointassheheadsnow,\"Iwhisperedintohisear。
\"Goodnessonlyknowswhen,though,butcertainlyafterdark。
I’lledgeherintohalfamile,asfarasImaybeabletojudgeinthedark——\"
\"Becareful,\"hemurmured,warningly——andIrealizedsuddenlythatallmyfuture,theonlyfutureforwhichIwasfit,wouldperhapsgoirretrievablytopiecesinanymishaptomyfirstcommand。
Icouldnotstopamomentlongerintheroom。Imotionedhimtogetoutofsightandmademywayonthepoop。Thatunplayfulcubhadthewatch。
Iwalkedupanddownforawhilethinkingthingsout,thenbeckonedhimover。
\"Sendacoupleofhandstoopenthetwoquarter-deckports,\"
Isaid,mildly。
Heactuallyhadtheimpudence,orelsesoforgothimselfinhiswonderatsuchanincomprehensibleorder,astorepeat:
\"Openthequarter-deckports!Whatfor,sir?\"
\"TheonlyreasonyouneedconcernyourselfaboutisbecauseItellyoutodoso。Havethemopenwideandfastenedproperly。\"
Hereddenedandwentoff,butIbelievemadesomejeeringremarktothecarpenterastothesensiblepracticeofventilatingaship’squarter-deck。Iknowhepoppedintothemate’scabintoimpartthefacttohimbecausethewhiskerscameondeck,asitwerebychance,andstoleglancesatmefrombelow——
forsignsoflunacyordrunkenness,Isuppose。
Alittlebeforesupper,feelingmorerestlessthanever,Irejoined,foramoment,mysecondself。Andtofindhimsittingsoquietlywassurprising,likesomethingagainstnature,inhuman。
Idevelopedmyplaninahurriedwhisper。
\"IshallstandinascloseasIdareandthenputherround。
Iwillpresentlyfindmeanstosmuggleyououtofhereintothesaillocker,whichcommunicateswiththelobby。
Butthereisanopening,asortofsquareforhaulingthesailsout,whichgivesstraightonthequarter-deckandwhichisneverclosedinfineweather,soastogiveairtothesails。
Whentheship’swayisdeadenedinstaysandallthehandsareaftatthemainbracesyouwillhaveaclearroadtoslipoutandgetoverboardthroughtheopenquarter-deckport。
I’vehadthembothfastenedup。Usearope’sendtoloweryourselfintothewatersoastoavoidasplash——youknow。
Itcouldbeheardandcausesomebeastlycomplication。\"
Hekeptsilentforawhile,thenwhispered,\"Iunderstand。\"
\"Iwon’tbetheretoseeyougo,\"Ibeganwithaneffort。
\"Therest……IonlyhopeIhaveunderstood,too。\"
\"Youhave。Fromfirsttolast\"——andforthefirsttimethereseemedtobeafaltering,somethingstrainedinhiswhisper。
Hecaughtholdofmyarm,buttheringingofthesupperbellmademestart。Hedidn’tthough;heonlyreleasedhisgrip。
AftersupperIdidn’tcomebelowagaintillwellpasteighto’clock。Thefaint,steadybreezewasloadedwithdew;andthewet,darkenedsailsheldalltherewasofpropellingpowerinit。
Thenight,clearandstarry,sparkleddarkly,andtheopaque,lightlesspatchesshiftingslowlyagainstthelowstarswerethedriftingislets。Ontheportbowtherewasabigonemoredistantandshadowilyimposingbythegreatspaceofskyiteclipsed。
OnopeningthedoorIhadabackviewofmyveryownselflookingatachart。
Hehadcomeoutoftherecessandwasstandingnearthetable。
\"Quitedarkenough,\"Iwhispered。
Hesteppedbackandleanedagainstmybedwithalevel,quietglance。
Isatonthecouch。Wehadnothingtosaytoeachother。
Overourheadstheofficerofthewatchmovedhereandthere。
ThenIheardhimmovequickly。Iknewwhatthatmeant。
Hewasmakingforthecompanion;andpresentlyhisvoicewasoutsidemydoor。
\"Wearedrawinginprettyfast,sir。Landlooksratherclose。\"
\"Verywell,\"Ianswered。\"Iamcomingondeckdirectly。\"
Iwaitedtillhewasgoneoutofthecuddy,thenrose。Mydoublemovedtoo。
Thetimehadcometoexchangeourlastwhispers,forneitherofuswasevertoheareachother’snaturalvoice。
\"Lookhere!\"Iopenedadrawerandtookoutthreesovereigns。
\"Takethisanyhow。I’vegotsixandI’dgiveyouthelot,onlyImustkeepalittlemoneytobuysomefruitandvegetablesforthecrewfromnativeboatsaswegothroughSundaStraits。\"
Heshookhishead。
\"Takeit,\"Iurgedhim,whisperingdesperately。
\"Noonecantellwhat——\"
Hesmiledandslappedmeaninglytheonlypocketofthesleepingjacket。
Itwasnotsafe,certainly。ButIproducedalargeoldsilkhandkerchiefofmine,andtyingthethreepiecesofgoldinacorner,presseditonhim。
Hewastouched,Isupposed,becausehetookitatlastandtieditquicklyroundhiswaistunderthejacket,onhisbareskin。
Oureyesmet;severalsecondselapsed,till,ourglancesstillmingled,Iextendedmyhandandturnedthelampout。
ThenIpassedthroughthecuddy,leavingthedoorofmyroomwideopen……\"Steward!\"
Hewasstilllingeringinthepantryinthegreatnessofhiszeal,givingarub-uptoaplatedcruetstandthelastthingbeforegoingtobed。
Beingcarefulnottowakeupthemate,whoseroomwasopposite,Ispokeinanundertone。
Helookedroundanxiously。\"Sir!\"
\"Canyougetmealittlehotwaterfromthegalley?\"
\"Iamafraid,sir,thegalleyfire’sbeenoutforsometimenow。\"
\"Goandsee。\"
Heflewupthestairs。
\"Now,\"Iwhispered,loudly,intothesaloon——tooloudly,perhaps,butIwasafraidIcouldn’tmakeasound。
Hewasbymysideinaninstant——thedoublecaptainslippedpastthestairs——throughatinydarkpassage……aslidingdoor。
Wewereinthesaillocker,scramblingonourkneesoverthesails。
Asuddenthoughtstruckme。Isawmyselfwanderingbarefooted,bareheaded,thesunbeatingonmydarkpoll。
Isnatchedoffmyfloppyhatandtriedhurriedlyinthedarktoramitonmyotherself。Hedodgedandfendedoffsilently。
Iwonderwhathethoughthadcometomebeforeheunderstoodandsuddenlydesisted。Ourhandsmetgropingly,lingeredunitedinasteady,motionlessclaspforasecond……Nowordwasbreathedbyeitherofuswhentheyseparated。
Iwasstandingquietlybythepantrydoorwhenthestewardreturned。
\"Sorry,sir。Kettlebarelywarm。ShallIlightthespiritlamp?\"
\"Nevermind。\"
Icameoutondeckslowly。Itwasnowamatterofconsciencetoshavethelandascloseaspossible——fornowhemustgooverboardwhenevertheshipwasputinstays。Must!Therecouldbenogoingbackforhim。AfteramomentIwalkedovertoleewardandmyheartflewintomymouthatthenearnessofthelandonthebow。
UnderanyothercircumstancesIwouldnothaveheldonaminutelonger。
Thesecondmatehadfollowedmeanxiously。
IlookedontillIfeltIcouldcommandmyvoice。
\"Shewillweather,\"Isaidtheninaquiettone。
\"Areyougoingtotrythat,sir?\"hestammeredoutincredulously。
Itooknonoticeofhimandraisedmytonejustenoughtobeheardbythehelmsman。
\"Keephergoodfull。\"
\"Goodfull,sir。\"
Thewindfannedmycheek,thesailsslept,theworldwassilent。
Thestrainofwatchingthedarkloomofthelandgrowbiggeranddenserwastoomuchforme。Ihadshutmyeyes——becausetheshipmustgocloser。
Shemust!Thestillnesswasintolerable。Werewestandingstill?
WhenIopenedmyeyesthesecondviewstartedmyheartwithathump。
TheblacksouthernhillofKoh-ringseemedtohangrightovertheshiplikeatoweringfragmentofeverlastingnight。
Onthatenormousmassofblacknesstherewasnotagleamtobeseen,notasoundtobeheard。Itwasglidingirresistiblytowardsusandyetseemedalreadywithinreachofthehand。
Isawthevaguefiguresofthewatchgroupedinthewaist,gazinginawedsilence。
\"Areyougoingon,sir?\"inquiredanunsteadyvoiceatmyelbow。
Iignoredit。Ihadtogoon。
\"Keepherfull。Don’tcheckherway。Thatwon’tdonow,\"
Isaidwarningly。
\"Ican’tseethesailsverywell,\"thehelmsmanansweredme,instrange,quaveringtones。
Wasshecloseenough?Alreadyshewas,Iwon’tsayintheshadowoftheland,butintheveryblacknessofit,alreadyswallowedupasitwere,gonetooclosetoberecalled,gonefrommealtogether。
\"Givethemateacall,\"Isaidtotheyoungmanwhostoodatmyelbowasstillasdeath。\"Andturnallhandsup。\"
Mytonehadaborrowedloudnessreverberatedfromtheheightoftheland。
Severalvoicescriedouttogether:\"Weareallondeck,sir。\"
Thenstillnessagain,withthegreatshadowglidingcloser,toweringhigher,withoutalight,withoutasound。
SuchahushhadfallenontheshipthatshemighthavebeenabarkofthedeadfloatinginslowlyundertheverygateofErebus。
\"MyGod!Wherearewe?\"
Itwasthematemoaningatmyelbow。Hewasthunderstruck,andasitweredeprivedofthemoralsupportofhiswhiskers。
Heclappedhishandsandabsolutelycriedout,\"Lost!\"
\"Bequiet,\"Isaid,sternly。
Heloweredhistone,butIsawtheshadowygestureofhisdespair。
\"Whatarewedoinghere?\"
\"Lookingforthelandwind。\"
Hemadeasiftotearhishair,andaddressedmerecklessly。
\"Shewillnevergetout。Youhavedoneit,sir。Iknewit’dendinsomethinglikethis。Shewillneverweather,andyouaretooclosenowtostay。
She’lldriftashorebeforeshe’sround。OmyGod!\"
Icaughthisarmashewasraisingittobatterhispoordevotedhead,andshookitviolently。
\"She’sashorealready,\"hewailed,tryingtotearhimselfaway。
\"Isshe?……Keepgoodfullthere!\"
\"Goodfull,sir,\"criedthehelmsmaninafrightened,thin,childlikevoice。
Ihadn’tletgothemate’sarmandwentonshakingit。\"Readyabout,doyouhear?Yougoforward\"——shake——\"andstopthere\"——shake——\"andholdyournoise\"——shake——\"andseethesehead-sheetsproperlyoverhauled\"——
shake,shake——shake。
AndallthetimeIdarednotlooktowardsthelandlestmyheartshouldfailme。Ireleasedmygripatlastandheranforwardasiffleeingfordearlife。
Iwonderedwhatmydoublethereinthesaillockerthoughtofthiscommotion。Hewasabletoheareverything——andperhapshewasabletounderstandwhy,onmyconscience,ithadtobethusclose——noless。
Myfirstorder\"Hardalee!\"re-echoedominouslyunderthetoweringshadowofKoh-ringasifIhadshoutedinamountaingorge。
AndthenIwatchedthelandintently。Inthatsmoothwaterandlightwinditwasimpossibletofeeltheshipcoming-to。No!
Icouldnotfeelher。Andmysecondselfwasmakingnowreadytoshipoutandlowerhimselfoverboard。Perhapshewasgonealready……?
Thegreatblackmassbroodingoverourverymastheadsbegantopivotawayfromtheship’ssidesilently。AndnowIforgotthesecretstrangerreadytodepart,andrememberedonlythatIwasatotalstrangertotheship。
Ididnotknowher。Wouldshedoit?Howwasshetobehandled?
Iswungthemainyardandwaitedhelplessly。Shewasperhapsstopped,andherveryfatehunginthebalance,withtheblackmassofKoh-ringlikethegateoftheeverlastingnighttoweringoverhertaffrail。Whatwouldshedonow?Hadshewayonheryet?
Isteppedtothesideswiftly,andontheshadowywaterIcouldseenothingexceptafaintphosphorescentflashrevealingtheglassysmoothnessofthesleepingsurface。Itwasimpossibletotell——
andIhadnotlearnedyetthefeelofmyship。Wasshemoving?
WhatIneededwassomethingeasilyseen,apieceofpaper,whichIcouldthrowoverboardandwatch。Ihadnothingonme。
TorundownforitIdidn’tdare。Therewasnotime。
Allatoncemystrained,yearningstaredistinguishedawhiteobjectfloatingwithinayardoftheship’sside。
Whiteontheblackwater。Aphosphorescentflashpassedunderit。
Whatwasthatthing?……Irecognizedmyownfloppyhat。
Itmusthavefallenoffhishead……andhedidn’tbother。
NowIhadwhatIwanted——thesavingmarkformyeyes。
ButIhardlythoughtofmyotherself,nowgonefromtheship,tobehiddenforeverfromallfriendlyfaces,tobeafugitiveandavagabondontheearth,withnobrandofthecurseonhissaneforeheadtostayaslayinghand……tooproudtoexplain。
AndIwatchedthehat——theexpressionofmysuddenpityforhismereflesh。
Ithadbeenmeanttosavehishomelessheadfromthedangersofthesun。
Andnow——behold——itwassavingtheship,byservingmeforamarktohelpouttheignoranceofmystrangeness。Ha!Itwasdriftingforward,warningmejustintimethattheshiphadgatheredsternaway。
\"Shiftthehelm,\"Isaidinalowvoicetotheseamanstandingstilllikeastatue。
Theman’seyesglistenedwildlyinthebinnaclelightashejumpedroundtotheothersideandspunroundthewheel。
Iwalkedtothebreakofthepoop。Ontheover-shadoweddeckallhandsstoodbytheforebraceswaitingformyorder。
Thestarsaheadseemedtobeglidingfromrighttoleft。
AndallwassostillintheworldthatIheardthequietremark,\"She’sround,\"passedinatoneofintensereliefbetweentwoseamen。
\"Letgoandhaul。\"
Theforeyardsranroundwithagreatnoise,amidstcheerycries。
Andnowthefrightfulwhiskersmadethemselvesheardgivingvariousorders。
Alreadytheshipwasdrawingahead。AndIwasalonewithher。
Nothing!nooneintheworldshouldstandnowbetweenus,throwingashadowonthewayofsilentknowledgeandmuteaffection,theperfectcommunionofaseamanwithhisfirstcommand。
Walkingtothetaffrail,Iwasintimetomakeout,ontheveryedgeofadarknessthrownbyatoweringblackmassliketheverygatewayofErebus——yes,Iwasintimetocatchanevanescentglimpseofmywhitehatleftbehindtomarkthespotwherethesecretsharerofmycabinandofmythoughts,asthoughheweremysecondself,hadloweredhimselfintothewatertotakehispunishment:
afreeman,aproudswimmerstrikingoutforanewdestiny。