第1章
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  THEPERSONSINTHEPLAY

  JohnWorthing,J。P。

  AlgernonMoncrieffRev。CanonChasuble,D。D。

  Merriman,ButlerLane,ManservantLadyBracknellHon。GwendolenFairfaxCecilyCardewMissPrism,GovernessTHESCENESOFTHEPLAY

  ACTI。AlgernonMoncrieff’sFlatinHalf-MoonStreet,W。

  ACTII。TheGardenattheManorHouse,Woolton。

  ACTIII。Drawing-RoomattheManorHouse,Woolton。

  TIME:ThePresent。

  LONDON:ST。JAMES’STHEATRE

  LesseeandManager:Mr。GeorgeAlexanderFebruary14th,1895

  JohnWorthing,J。P。:Mr。GeorgeAlexanderAlgernonMoncrieff:Mr。AllenAynesworth。

  Rev。CanonChasuble,D。D。:Mr。H。H。Vincent。

  Merriman:Mr。FrankDyallLane:Mr。F。KinseyPeile。

  LadyBracknell:MissRoseLeclercq。

  Hon。GwendolenFairfax:MissIreneVanbrugh。

  CecilyCardew:MissEvelynMillard。

  MissPrism:Mrs。GeorgeCanninge。

  FIRSTACT

  SCENE

  Morning-roominAlgernon’sflatinHalf-MoonStreet。Theroomisluxuriouslyandartisticallyfurnished。Thesoundofapianoisheardintheadjoiningroom。

  [LANEisarrangingafternoonteaonthetable,andafterthemusichasceased,ALGERNONenters。]

  ALGERNON。DidyouhearwhatIwasplaying,Lane?

  LANE。Ididn’tthinkitpolitetolisten,sir。

  ALGERNON。I’msorryforthat,foryoursake。Idon’tplayaccurately-anyonecanplayaccurately-butIplaywithwonderfulexpression。Asfarasthepianoisconcerned,sentimentismyforte。IkeepscienceforLife。

  LANE。Yes,sir。

  ALGERNON。And,speakingofthescienceofLife,haveyougotthecucumbersandwichescutforLadyBracknell?

  LANE。Yes,sir。[Handsthemonasalver。]

  ALGERNON。[Inspectsthem,takestwo,andsitsdownonthesofa。]

  Oh!……bytheway,Lane,IseefromyourbookthatonThursdaynight,whenLordShoremanandMr。Worthingwerediningwithme,eightbottlesofchampagneareenteredashavingbeenconsumed。

  LANE。Yes,sir;eightbottlesandapint。

  ALGERNON。Whyisitthatatabachelor’sestablishmenttheservantsinvariablydrinkthechampagne?Iaskmerelyforinformation。

  LANE。Iattributeittothesuperiorqualityofthewine,sir。I

  haveoftenobservedthatinmarriedhouseholdsthechampagneisrarelyofafirst-ratebrand。

  ALGERNON。Goodheavens!Ismarriagesodemoralisingasthat?

  LANE。IbelieveitISaverypleasantstate,sir。Ihavehadverylittleexperienceofitmyselfuptothepresent。Ihaveonlybeenmarriedonce。Thatwasinconsequenceofamisunderstandingbetweenmyselfandayoungperson。

  ALGERNON。[Languidly。]Idon’tknowthatIammuchinterestedinyourfamilylife,Lane。

  LANE。No,sir;itisnotaveryinterestingsubject。Ineverthinkofitmyself。

  ALGERNON。Verynatural,Iamsure。Thatwilldo,Lane,thankyou。

  LANE。Thankyou,sir。[LANEgoesout。]

  ALGERNON。Lanesviewsonmarriageseemsomewhatlax。Really,ifthelowerordersdon’tsetusagoodexample,whatonearthistheuseofthem?Theyseem,asaclass,tohaveabsolutelynosenseofmoralresponsibility。

  [EnterLANE。]

  LANE。Mr。ErnestWorthing。

  [EnterJACK。]

  [LANEgoesout。]

  ALGERNON。Howareyou,mydearErnest?Whatbringsyouuptotown?

  JACK。Oh,pleasure,pleasure!Whatelseshouldbringoneanywhere?Eatingasusual,Isee,Algy!

  ALGERNON。[Stiffly。]Ibelieveitiscustomaryingoodsocietytotakesomeslightrefreshmentatfiveo’clock。WherehaveyoubeensincelastThursday?

  JACK。[Sittingdownonthesofa。]Inthecountry。

  ALGERNON。Whatonearthdoyoudothere?

  JACK。[Pullingoffhisgloves。]Whenoneisintownoneamusesoneself。Whenoneisinthecountryoneamusesotherpeople。Itisexcessivelyboring。

  ALGERNON。Andwhoarethepeopleyouamuse?

  JACK。[Airily。]Oh,neighbours,neighbours。

  ALGERNON。GotniceneighboursinyourpartofShropshire?

  JACK。Perfectlyhorrid!Neverspeaktooneofthem。

  ALGERNON。Howimmenselyyoumustamusethem![Goesoverandtakessandwich。]Bytheway,Shropshireisyourcounty,isitnot?

  JACK。Eh?Shropshire?Yes,ofcourse。Hallo!Whyallthesecups?Whycucumbersandwiches?Whysuchrecklessextravaganceinonesoyoung?Whoiscomingtotea?

  ALGERNON。Oh!merelyAuntAugustaandGwendolen。

  JACK。Howperfectlydelightful!

  ALGERNON。Yes,thatisallverywell;butIamafraidAuntAugustawon’tquiteapproveofyourbeinghere。

  JACK。MayIaskwhy?

  ALGERNON。Mydearfellow,thewayyouflirtwithGwendolenisperfectlydisgraceful。ItisalmostasbadasthewayGwendolenflirtswithyou。

  JACK。IaminlovewithGwendolen。Ihavecomeuptotownexpresslytoproposetoher。

  ALGERNON。Ithoughtyouhadcomeupforpleasure?……Icallthatbusiness。

  JACK。Howutterlyunromanticyouare!

  ALGERNON。Ireallydon’tseeanythingromanticinproposing。Itisveryromantictobeinlove。Butthereisnothingromanticaboutadefiniteproposal。Why,onemaybeaccepted。Oneusuallyis,Ibelieve。Thentheexcitementisallover。Theveryessenceofromanceisuncertainty。IfeverIgetmarried,I’llcertainlytrytoforgetthefact。

  JACK。Ihavenodoubtaboutthat,dearAlgy。TheDivorceCourtwasspeciallyinventedforpeoplewhosememoriesaresocuriouslyconstituted。

  ALGERNON。Oh!thereisnousespeculatingonthatsubject。

  DivorcesaremadeinHeaven-[JACKputsouthishandtotakeasandwich。ALGERNONatonceinterferes。]Pleasedon’ttouchthecucumbersandwiches。TheyareorderedspeciallyforAuntAugusta。

  [Takesoneandeatsit。]

  JACK。Well,youhavebeeneatingthemallthetime。

  ALGERNON。Thatisquiteadifferentmatter。Sheismyaunt。

  [Takesplatefrombelow。]Havesomebreadandbutter。ThebreadandbutterisforGwendolen。Gwendolenisdevotedtobreadandbutter。

  JACK。[Advancingtotableandhelpinghimself。]Andverygoodbreadandbutteritistoo。

  ALGERNON。Well,mydearfellow,youneednoteatasifyouweregoingtoeatitall。Youbehaveasifyouweremarriedtoheralready。Youarenotmarriedtoheralready,andIdon’tthinkyoueverwillbe。

  JACK。Whyonearthdoyousaythat?

  ALGERNON。Well,inthefirstplacegirlsnevermarrythementheyflirtwith。Girlsdon’tthinkitright。

  JACK。Oh,thatisnonsense!

  ALGERNON。Itisn’t。Itisagreattruth。Itaccountsfortheextraordinarynumberofbachelorsthatoneseesallovertheplace。

  Inthesecondplace,Idon’tgivemyconsent。

  JACK。Yourconsent!

  ALGERNON。Mydearfellow,Gwendolenismyfirstcousin。AndbeforeIallowyoutomarryher,youwillhavetoclearupthewholequestionofCecily。[Ringsbell。]

  JACK。Cecily!Whatonearthdoyoumean?Whatdoyoumean,Algy,byCecily!Idon’tknowanyoneofthenameofCecily。

  [EnterLANE。]

  ALGERNON。BringmethatcigarettecaseMr。Worthingleftinthesmoking-roomthelasttimehedinedhere。

  LANE。Yes,sir。[LANEgoesout。]

  JACK。Doyoumeantosayyouhavehadmycigarettecaseallthistime?Iwishtogoodnessyouhadletmeknow。IhavebeenwritingfranticletterstoScotlandYardaboutit。Iwasverynearlyofferingalargereward。

  ALGERNON。Well,Iwishyouwouldofferone。Ihappentobemorethanusuallyhardup。

  JACK。Thereisnogoodofferingalargerewardnowthatthethingisfound。

  [EnterLANEwiththecigarettecaseonasalver。ALGERNONtakesitatonce。LANEgoesout。]

  ALGERNON。Ithinkthatisrathermeanofyou,Ernest,Imustsay。

  [Openscaseandexaminesit。]However,itmakesnomatter,for,nowthatIlookattheinscriptioninside,Ifindthatthethingisn’tyoursafterall。

  JACK。Ofcourseit’smine。[Movingtohim。]Youhaveseenmewithitahundredtimes,andyouhavenorightwhatsoevertoreadwhatiswritteninside。Itisaveryungentlemanlythingtoreadaprivatecigarettecase。

  ALGERNON。Oh!itisabsurdtohaveahardandfastruleaboutwhatoneshouldreadandwhatoneshouldn’t。Morethanhalfofmodernculturedependsonwhatoneshouldn’tread。

  JACK。Iamquiteawareofthefact,andIdon’tproposetodiscussmodernculture。Itisn’tthesortofthingoneshouldtalkofinprivate。Isimplywantmycigarettecaseback。

  ALGERNON。Yes;butthisisn’tyourcigarettecase。ThiscigarettecaseisapresentfromsomeoneofthenameofCecily,andyousaidyoudidn’tknowanyoneofthatname。

  JACK。Well,ifyouwanttoknow,Cecilyhappenstobemyaunt。

  ALGERNON。Youraunt!

  JACK。Yes。Charmingoldladysheis,too。LivesatTunbridgeWells。Justgiveitbacktome,Algy。

  ALGERNON。[Retreatingtobackofsofa。]ButwhydoesshecallherselflittleCecilyifsheisyourauntandlivesatTunbridgeWells?[Reading。]’FromlittleCecilywithherfondestlove。’

  JACK。[Movingtosofaandkneelinguponit。]Mydearfellow,whatonearthisthereinthat?Someauntsaretall,someauntsarenottall。Thatisamatterthatsurelyanauntmaybeallowedtodecideforherself。Youseemtothinkthateveryauntshouldbeexactlylikeyouraunt!Thatisabsurd!ForHeaven’ssakegivemebackmycigarettecase。[FollowsALGERNONroundtheroom。]

  ALGERNON。Yes。Butwhydoesyourauntcallyouheruncle?’FromlittleCecily,withherfondestlovetoherdearUncleJack。’

  Thereisnoobjection,Iadmit,toanauntbeingasmallaunt,butwhyanaunt,nomatterwhathersizemaybe,shouldcallherownnephewheruncle,Ican’tquitemakeout。Besides,yournameisn’tJackatall;itisErnest。

  JACK。Itisn’tErnest;it’sJack。

  ALGERNON。YouhavealwaystoldmeitwasErnest。IhaveintroducedyoutoeveryoneasErnest。YouanswertothenameofErnest。YoulookasifyournamewasErnest。Youarethemostearnest-lookingpersonIeversawinmylife。Itisperfectlyabsurdyoursayingthatyournameisn’tErnest。It’sonyourcards。Hereisoneofthem。[Takingitfromcase。]’Mr。ErnestWorthing,B。4,TheAlbany。’I’llkeepthisasaproofthatyournameisErnestifeveryouattempttodenyittome,ortoGwendolen,ortoanyoneelse。[Putsthecardinhispocket。]

  JACK。Well,mynameisErnestintownandJackinthecountry,andthecigarettecasewasgiventomeinthecountry。

  ALGERNON。Yes,butthatdoesnotaccountforthefactthatyoursmallAuntCecily,wholivesatTunbridgeWells,callsyouherdearuncle。Come,oldboy,youhadmuchbetterhavethethingoutatonce。

  JACK。MydearAlgy,youtalkexactlyasifyouwereadentist。Itisveryvulgartotalklikeadentistwhenoneisn’tadentist。Itproducesafalseimpression,ALGERNON。Well,thatisexactlywhatdentistsalwaysdo。Now,goon!Tellmethewholething。ImaymentionthatIhavealwayssuspectedyouofbeingaconfirmedandsecretBunburyist;andIamquitesureofitnow。

  JACK。Bunburyist?WhatonearthdoyoumeanbyaBunburyist?

  ALGERNON。I’llrevealtoyouthemeaningofthatincomparableexpressionassoonasyouarekindenoughtoinformmewhyyouareErnestintownandJackinthecountry。

  JACK。Well,producemycigarettecasefirst。

  ALGERNON。Hereitis。[Handscigarettecase。]Nowproduceyourexplanation,andpraymakeitimprobable。[Sitsonsofa。]

  JACK。Mydearfellow,thereisnothingimprobableaboutmyexplanationatall。Infactit’sperfectlyordinary。OldMr。

  ThomasCardew,whoadoptedmewhenIwasalittleboy,mademeinhiswillguardiantohisgrand-daughter,MissCecilyCardew。

  Cecily,whoaddressesmeasherunclefrommotivesofrespectthatyoucouldnotpossiblyappreciate,livesatmyplaceinthecountryunderthechargeofheradmirablegoverness,MissPrism。

  ALGERNON。Whereinthatplaceinthecountry,bytheway?

  JACK。Thatisnothingtoyou,dearboy。Youarenotgoingtobeinvited……ImaytellyoucandidlythattheplaceisnotinShropshire。

  ALGERNON。Isuspectedthat,mydearfellow!IhaveBunburyedalloverShropshireontwoseparateoccasions。Now,goon。WhyareyouErnestintownandJackinthecountry?

  JACK。MydearAlgy,Idon’tknowwhetheryouwillbeabletounderstandmyrealmotives。Youarehardlyseriousenough。Whenoneisplacedinthepositionofguardian,onehastoadoptaveryhighmoraltoneonallsubjects。It’sone’sdutytodoso。Andasahighmoraltonecanhardlybesaidtoconduceverymuchtoeitherone’shealthorone’shappiness,inordertogetuptotownIhavealwayspretendedtohaveayoungerbrotherofthenameofErnest,wholivesintheAlbany,andgetsintothemostdreadfulscrapes。

  That,mydearAlgy,isthewholetruthpureandsimple。

  ALGERNON。Thetruthisrarelypureandneversimple。Modernlifewouldbeverytediousifitwereeither,andmodernliteratureacompleteimpossibility!

  JACK。Thatwouldn’tbeatallabadthing。

  ALGERNON。Literarycriticismisnotyourforte,mydearfellow。

  Don’ttryit。Youshouldleavethattopeoplewhohaven’tbeenataUniversity。Theydoitsowellinthedailypapers。WhatyoureallyareisaBunburyist。IwasquiterightinsayingyouwereaBunburyist。YouareoneofthemostadvancedBunburyistsIknow。

  JACK。Whatonearthdoyoumean?

  ALGERNON。YouhaveinventedaveryusefulyoungerbrothercalledErnest,inorderthatyoumaybeabletocomeuptotownasoftenasyoulike。IhaveinventedaninvaluablepermanentinvalidcalledBunbury,inorderthatImaybeabletogodownintothecountrywheneverIchoose。Bunburyisperfectlyinvaluable。Ifitwasn’tforBunbury’sextraordinarybadhealth,forinstance,I

  wouldn’tbeabletodinewithyouatWillis’sto-night,forIhavebeenreallyengagedtoAuntAugustaformorethanaweek。

  JACK。Ihaven’taskedyoutodinewithmeanywhereto-night。

  ALGERNON。Iknow。Youareabsurdlycarelessaboutsendingoutinvitations。Itisveryfoolishofyou。Nothingannoyspeoplesomuchasnotreceivinginvitations。

  JACK。YouhadmuchbetterdinewithyourAuntAugusta。

  ALGERNON。Ihaven’tthesmallestintentionofdoinganythingofthekind。Tobeginwith,IdinedthereonMonday,andonceaweekisquiteenoughtodinewithone’sownrelations。Inthesecondplace,wheneverIdodinethereIamalwaystreatedasamemberofthefamily,andsentdownwitheithernowomanatall,ortwo。Inthethirdplace,Iknowperfectlywellwhomshewillplacemenextto,to-night。ShewillplacemenextMaryFarquhar,whoalwaysflirtswithherownhusbandacrossthedinner-table。Thatisnotverypleasant。Indeed,itisnotevendecent……andthatsortofthingisenormouslyontheincrease。TheamountofwomeninLondonwhoflirtwiththeirownhusbandsisperfectlyscandalous。

  Itlookssobad。Itinsimplywashingone’scleanlineninpublic。

  Besides,nowthatIknowyoutobeaconfirmedBunburyistI

  naturallywanttotalktoyouaboutBunburying。Iwanttotellyoutherules。

  JACK。I’mnotaBunburyistatall。IfGwendolenacceptsme,Iamgoingtokillmybrother,indeedIthinkI’llkillhiminanycase。

  Cecilyisalittletoomuchinterestedinhim。Itisratherabore。SoIamgoingtogetridofErnest。AndIstronglyadviseyoutodothesamewithMr……withyourinvalidfriendwhohastheabsurdname。

  ALGERNON。NothingwillinducemetopartwithBunbury,andifyouevergetmarried,whichseemstomeextremelyproblematic,youwillbeverygladtoknowBunbury。AmanwhomarrieswithoutknowingBunburyhasaverytedioustimeofit。

  JACK。Thatisnonsense。IfImarryacharminggirllikeGwendolen,andsheistheonlygirlIeversawinmylifethatI

  wouldmarry,Icertainlywon’twanttoknowBunbury。

  ALGERNON。Thenyourwifewill。Youdon’tseemtorealise,thatinmarriedlifethreeiscompanyandtwoisnone。

  JACK。[Sententiously。]That,mydearyoungfriend,isthetheorythatthecorruptFrenchDramahasbeenpropoundingforthelastfiftyyears。

  ALGERNON。Yes;andthatthehappyEnglishhomehasprovedinhalfthetime。

  JACK。Forheaven’ssake,don’ttrytobecynical。It’sperfectlyeasytobecynical。

  ALGERNON。Mydearfellow,itisn’teasytobeanythingnowadays。

  There’ssuchalotofbeastlycompetitionabout。[Thesoundofanelectricbellisheard。]Ah!thatmustbeAuntAugusta。Onlyrelatives,orcreditors,everringinthatWagnerianmanner。Now,ifIgetheroutofthewayfortenminutes,sothatyoucanhaveanopportunityforproposingtoGwendolen,mayIdinewithyouto-

  nightatWillis’s?

  JACK。Isupposeso,ifyouwantto。

  ALGERNON。Yes,butyoumustbeseriousaboutit。Ihatepeoplewhoarenotseriousaboutmeals。Itissoshallowofthem。

  [EnterLANE。]

  LadyBracknellandMissFairfax。

  [ALGERNONgoesforwardtomeetthem。EnterLADYBRACKNELLandGWENDOLEN。]

  LADYBRACKNELL。Goodafternoon,dearAlgernon,Ihopeyouarebehavingverywell。

  ALGERNON。I’mfeelingverywell,AuntAugusta。

  LADYBRACKNELL。That’snotquitethesamething。Infactthetwothingsrarelygotogether。[SeesJACKandbowstohimwithicycoldness。]

  ALGERNON。[ToGWENDOLEN。]Dearme,youaresmart!

  GWENDOLEN。Iamalwayssmart!AmInot,Mr。Worthing?

  JACK。You’requiteperfect,MissFairfax。

  GWENDOLEN。Oh!IhopeIamnotthat。Itwouldleavenoroomfordevelopments,andIintendtodevelopinmanydirections。

  [GWENDOLENandJACKsitdowntogetherinthecorner。]

  LADYBRACKNELL。I’msorryifwearealittlelate,Algernon,butI

  wasobligedtocallondearLadyHarbury。Ihadn’tbeentheresinceherpoorhusband’sdeath。Ineversawawomansoaltered;

  shelooksquitetwentyyearsyounger。AndnowI’llhaveacupoftea,andoneofthosenicecucumbersandwichesyoupromisedme。

  ALGERNON。Certainly,AuntAugusta。[Goesovertotea-table。]

  LADYBRACKNELL。Won’tyoucomeandsithere,Gwendolen?

  GWENDOLEN。Thanks,mamma,I’mquitecomfortablewhereIam。

  ALGERNON。[Pickingupemptyplateinhorror。]Goodheavens!

  Lane!Whyaretherenocucumbersandwiches?Iorderedthemspecially。

  LANE。[Gravely。]Therewerenocucumbersinthemarketthismorning,sir。Iwentdowntwice。

  ALGERNON。Nocucumbers!

  LANE。No,sir。Notevenforreadymoney。

  ALGERNON。Thatwilldo,Lane,thankyou。

  LANE。Thankyou,sir。[Goesout。]

  ALGERNON。Iamgreatlydistressed,AuntAugusta,abouttherebeingnocucumbers,notevenforreadymoney。

  LADYBRACKNELL。Itreallymakesnomatter,Algernon。IhadsomecrumpetswithLadyHarbury,whoseemstometobelivingentirelyforpleasurenow。

  ALGERNON。Ihearherhairhasturnedquitegoldfromgrief。

  LADYBRACKNELL。Itcertainlyhaschangeditscolour。FromwhatcauseI,ofcourse,cannotsay。[ALGERNONcrossesandhandstea。]

  Thankyou。I’vequiteatreatforyouto-night,Algernon。IamgoingtosendyoudownwithMaryFarquhar。Sheissuchanicewoman,andsoattentivetoherhusband。It’sdelightfultowatchthem。

  ALGERNON。Iamafraid,AuntAugusta,Ishallhavetogiveupthepleasureofdiningwithyouto-nightafterall。

  LADYBRACKNELL。[Frowning。]Ihopenot,Algernon。Itwouldputmytablecompletelyout。Yourunclewouldhavetodineupstairs。

  Fortunatelyheisaccustomedtothat。

  ALGERNON。Itisagreatbore,and,Ineedhardlysay,aterribledisappointmenttome,butthefactisIhavejusthadatelegramtosaythatmypoorfriendBunburyisveryillagain。[ExchangesglanceswithJACK。]TheyseemtothinkIshouldbewithhim。

  LADYBRACKNELL。Itisverystrange。ThisMr。Bunburyseemstosufferfromcuriouslybadhealth。

  ALGERNON。Yes;poorBunburyisadreadfulinvalid。

  LADYBRACKNELL。Well,Imustsay,Algernon,thatIthinkitishightimethatMr。Bunburymadeuphismindwhetherhewasgoingtoliveortodie。Thisshilly-shallyingwiththequestionisabsurd。

  NordoIinanywayapproveofthemodernsympathywithinvalids。

  Iconsideritmorbid。Illnessofanykindishardlyathingtobeencouragedinothers。Healthistheprimarydutyoflife。Iamalwaystellingthattoyourpooruncle,butheneverseemstotakemuchnotice……asfarasanyimprovementinhisailmentgoes。I

  shouldbemuchobligedifyouwouldaskMr。Bunbury,fromme,tobekindenoughnottohavearelapseonSaturday,forIrelyonyoutoarrangemymusicforme。Itismylastreception,andonewantssomethingthatwillencourageconversation,particularlyattheendoftheseasonwheneveryonehaspracticallysaidwhatevertheyhadtosay,which,inmostcases,wasprobablynotmuch。

  ALGERNON。I’llspeaktoBunbury,AuntAugusta,ifheisstillconscious,andIthinkIcanpromiseyouhe’llbeallrightbySaturday。Ofcoursethemusicisagreatdifficulty。Yousee,ifoneplaysgoodmusic,peopledon’tlisten,andifoneplaysbadmusicpeopledon’ttalk。ButI’llranovertheprogrammeI’vedrawnout,ifyouwillkindlycomeintothenextroomforamoment。

  LADYBRACKNELL。Thankyou,Algernon。Itisverythoughtfulofyou。[Rising,andfollowingALGERNON。]I’msuretheprogrammewillbedelightful,afterafewexpurgations。FrenchsongsI

  cannotpossiblyallow。Peoplealwaysseemtothinkthattheyareimproper,andeitherlookshocked,whichisvulgar,orlaugh,whichisworse。ButGermansoundsathoroughlyrespectablelanguage,andindeed,Ibelieveisso。Gwendolen,youwillaccompanyme。

  GWENDOLEN。Certainly,mamma。

  [LADYBRACKNELLandALGERNONgointothemusic-room,GWENDOLEN

  remainsbehind。]

  JACK。Charmingdayithasbeen,MissFairfax。

  GWENDOLEN。Praydon’ttalktomeabouttheweather,Mr。Worthing。

  Wheneverpeopletalktomeabouttheweather,Ialwaysfeelquitecertainthattheymeansomethingelse。Andthatmakesmesonervous。

  JACK。Idomeansomethingelse。

  GWENDOLEN。Ithoughtso。Infact,Iamneverwrong。

  JACK。AndIwouldliketobeallowedtotakeadvantageofLadyBracknell’stemporaryabsence……

  GWENDOLEN。Iwouldcertainlyadviseyoutodoso。MammahasawayofcomingbacksuddenlyintoaroomthatIhaveoftenhadtospeaktoherabout。

  JACK。[Nervously。]MissFairfax,eversinceImetyouIhaveadmiredyoumorethananygirl……Ihaveevermetsince……I

  metyou。

  GWENDOLEN。Yes,Iamquitewellawareofthefact。AndIoftenwishthatinpublic,atanyrate,youhadbeenmoredemonstrative。

  Formeyouhavealwayshadanirresistiblefascination。EvenbeforeImetyouIwasfarfromindifferenttoyou。[JACKlooksatherinamazement。]Welive,asIhopeyouknow,MrWorthing,inanageofideals。Thefactisconstantlymentionedinthemoreexpensivemonthlymagazines,andhasreachedtheprovincialpulpits,Iamtold;andmyidealhasalwaysbeentolovesomeoneofthenameofErnest。Thereissomethinginthatnamethatinspiresabsoluteconfidence。ThemomentAlgernonfirstmentionedtomethathehadafriendcalledErnest,IknewIwasdestinedtoloveyou。

  JACK。Youreallyloveme,Gwendolen?

  GWENDOLEN。Passionately!

  JACK。Darling!Youdon’tknowhowhappyyou’vemademe。

  GWENDOLEN。MyownErnest!

  JACK。Butyoudon’treallymeantosaythatyoucouldn’tlovemeifmynamewasn’tErnest?

  GWENDOLEN。ButyournameisErnest。

  JACK。Yes,Iknowitis。Butsupposingitwassomethingelse?Doyoumeantosayyoucouldn’tlovemethen?

  GWENDOLEN。[Glibly。]Ah!thatisclearlyametaphysicalspeculation,andlikemostmetaphysicalspeculationshasverylittlereferenceatalltotheactualfactsofreallife,asweknowthem。

  JACK。Personally,darling,tospeakquitecandidly,Idon’tmuchcareaboutthenameofErnest……Idon’tthinkthenamesuitsmeatall。

  GWENDOLEN。Itsuitsyouperfectly。Itisadivinename。Ithasamusicofitsown。Itproducesvibrations。

  JACK。Well,really,Gwendolen,ImustsaythatIthinktherearelotsofothermuchnicernames。IthinkJack,forinstance,acharmingname。

  GWENDOLEN。Jack?……No,thereisverylittlemusicinthenameJack,ifanyatall,indeed。Itdoesnotthrill。Itproducesabsolutelynovibrations……IhaveknownseveralJacks,andtheyall,withoutexception,weremorethanusuallyplain。Besides,JackisanotoriousdomesticityforJohn!AndIpityanywomanwhoismarriedtoamancalledJohn。Shewouldprobablyneverbeallowedtoknowtheentrancingpleasureofasinglemoment’ssolitude。TheonlyreallysafenameisErnestJACK。Gwendolen,Imustgetchristenedatonce-Imeanwemustgetmarriedatonce。Thereisnotimetobelost。

  GWENDOLEN。Married,Mr。Worthing?

  JACK。[Astounded。]Well……surely。YouknowthatIloveyou,andyouledmetobelieve,MissFairfax,thatyouwerenotabsolutelyindifferenttome。

  GWENDOLEN。Iadoreyou。Butyouhaven’tproposedtomeyet。

  Nothinghasbeensaidatallaboutmarriage。Thesubjecthasnotevenbeentouchedon。

  JACK。Well……mayIproposetoyounow?

  GWENDOLEN。Ithinkitwouldbeanadmirableopportunity。Andtospareyouanypossibledisappointment,Mr。Worthing,Ithinkitonlyfairtotellyouquitefranklybefore-handthatIamfullydeterminedtoacceptyou。

  JACK。Gwendolen!

  GWENDOLEN。Yes,Mr。Worthing,whathaveyougottosaytome?

  JACK。YouknowwhatIhavegottosaytoyou。

  GWENDOLEN。Yes,butyoudon’tsayit。

  JACK。Gwendolen,willyoumarryme?[Goesonhisknees。]

  GWENDOLEN。OfcourseIwill,darling。Howlongyouhavebeenaboutit!Iamafraidyouhavehadverylittleexperienceinhowtopropose。

  JACK。Myownone,Ihaveneverlovedanyoneintheworldbutyou。

  GWENDOLEN。Yes,butmenoftenproposeforpractice。IknowmybrotherGeralddoes。Allmygirl-friendstellmeso。Whatwonderfullyblueeyesyouhave,Ernest!Theyarequite,quite,blue。Ihopeyouwillalwayslookatmejustlikethat,especiallywhenthereareotherpeoplepresent。[EnterLADYBRACKNELL。]

  LADYBRACKNELL。Mr。Worthing!Rise,sir,fromthissemi-recumbentposture。Itismostindecorous。

  GWENDOLEN。Mamma![Hetriestorise;sherestrainshim。]Imustbegyoutoretire。Thisisnoplaceforyou。Besides,Mr。

  Worthinghasnotquitefinishedyet。

  LADYBRACKNELL。Finishedwhat,mayIask?

  GWENDOLEN。IamengagedtoMr。Worthing,mamma。[Theyrisetogether。]

  LADYBRACKNELL。Pardonme,youarenotengagedtoanyone。Whenyoudobecomeengagedtosomeone,I,oryourfather,shouldhishealthpermithim,willinformyouofthefact。Anengagementshouldcomeonayounggirlasasurprise,pleasantorunpleasant,asthecasemaybe。Itishardlyamatterthatshecouldbeallowedtoarrangeforherself……AndnowIhaveafewquestionstoputtoyou,Mr。Worthing。WhileIammakingtheseinquiries,you,Gwendolen,willwaitformebelowinthecarriage。

  GWENDOLEN。[Reproachfully。]Mamma!

  LADYBRACKNELL。Inthecarriage,Gwendolen![GWENDOLENgoestothedoor。SheandJACKblowkissestoeachotherbehindLADY

  BRACKNELL’Sback。LADYBRACKNELLlooksvaguelyaboutasifshecouldnotunderstandwhatthenoisewas。Finallyturnsround。]

  Gwendolen,thecarriage!

  GWENDOLEN。Yes,mamma。[Goesout,lookingbackatJACK。]

  LADYBRACKNELL。[Sittingdown。]Youcantakeaseat,Mr。

  Worthing。

  [Looksinherpocketfornote-bookandpencil。]

  JACK。Thankyou,LadyBracknell,Ipreferstanding。

  LADYBRACKNELL。[Pencilandnote-bookinhand。]Ifeelboundtotellyouthatyouarenotdownonmylistofeligibleyoungmen,althoughIhavethesamelistasthedearDuchessofBoltonhas。

  Weworktogether,infact。However,Iamquitereadytoenteryourname,shouldyouranswersbewhatareallyaffectionatemotherrequires。Doyousmoke?

  JACK。Well,yes,ImustadmitIsmoke。

  LADYBRACKNELL。Iamgladtohearit。Amanshouldalwayshaveanoccupationofsomekind。TherearefartoomanyidlemeninLondonasitis。Howoldareyou?

  JACK。Twenty-nine。

  LADYBRACKNELL。Averygoodagetobemarriedat。Ihavealwaysbeenofopinionthatamanwhodesirestogetmarriedshouldknoweithereverythingornothing。Whichdoyouknow?

  JACK。[Aftersomehesitation。]Iknownothing,LadyBracknell。

  LADYBRACKNELL。Iampleasedtohearit。Idonotapproveofanythingthattamperswithnaturalignorance。Ignoranceislikeadelicateexoticfruit;touchitandthebloomisgone。Thewholetheoryofmoderneducationisradicallyunsound。FortunatelyinEngland,atanyrate,educationproducesnoeffectwhatsoever。Ifitdid,itwouldproveaseriousdangertotheupperclasses,andprobablyleadtoactsofviolenceinGrosvenorSquare。Whatisyourincome?

  JACK。Betweensevenandeightthousandayear。

  LADYBRACKNELL。[Makesanoteinherbook。]Inland,orininvestments?

  JACK。Ininvestments,chiefly。

  LADYBRACKNELL。Thatissatisfactory。Whatbetweenthedutiesexpectedofoneduringone’slifetime,andthedutiesexactedfromoneafterone’sdeath,landhasceasedtobeeitheraprofitorapleasure。Itgivesoneposition,andpreventsonefromkeepingitup。That’sallthatcanbesaidaboutland。

  JACK。Ihaveacountryhousewithsomeland,ofcourse,attachedtoit,aboutfifteenhundredacres,Ibelieve;butIdon’tdependonthatformyrealincome。Infact,asfarasIcanmakeout,thepoachersaretheonlypeoplewhomakeanythingoutofit。

  LADYBRACKNELL。Acountryhouse!Howmanybedrooms?Well,thatpointcanbeclearedupafterwards。Youhaveatownhouse,Ihope?

  Agirlwithasimple,unspoilednature,likeGwendolen,couldhardlybeexpectedtoresideinthecountry。

  JACK。Well,IownahouseinBelgraveSquare,butitisletbytheyeartoLadyBloxham。Ofcourse,IcangetitbackwheneverI

  like,atsixmonths’notice。

  LADYBRACKNELL。LadyBloxham?Idon’tknowher。

  JACK。Oh,shegoesaboutverylittle。Sheisaladyconsiderablyadvancedinyears。

  LADYBRACKNELL。Ah,nowadaysthatisnoguaranteeofrespectabilityofcharacter。WhatnumberinBelgraveSquare?

  JACK。149。

  LADYBRACKNELL。[Shakingherhead。]Theunfashionableside。I

  thoughttherewassomething。However,thatcouldeasilybealtered。

  JACK。Doyoumeanthefashion,ortheside?

  LADYBRACKNELL。[Sternly。]Both,ifnecessary,Ipresume。Whatareyourpolities?

  JACK。Well,IamafraidIreallyhavenone。IamaLiberalUnionist。

  LADYBRACKNELL。Oh,theycountasTories。Theydinewithus。Orcomeintheevening,atanyrate。Nowtominormatters。Areyourparentsliving?

  JACK。Ihavelostbothmyparents。

  LADYBRACKNELL。Toloseoneparent,Mr。Worthing,mayberegardedasamisfortune;tolosebothlookslikecarelessness。Whowasyourfather?Hewasevidentlyamanofsomewealth。WasheborninwhattheRadicalpaperscallthepurpleofcommerce,ordidherisefromtheranksofthearistocracy?

  JACK。IamafraidIreallydon’tknow。Thefactis,LadyBracknell,IsaidIhadlostmyparents。Itwouldbenearerthetruthtosaythatmyparentsseemtohavelostme……Idon’tactuallyknowwhoIambybirth。Iwas……well,Iwasfound。

  LADYBRACKNELL。Found!

  JACK。ThelateMr。ThomasCardew,anoldgentlemanofaverycharitableandkindlydisposition,foundme,andgavemethenameofWorthing,becausehehappenedtohaveafirst-classticketforWorthinginhispocketatthetime。WorthingisaplaceinSussex。

  Itisaseasideresort。

  LADYBRACKNELL。Wheredidthecharitablegentlemanwhohadafirst-classticketforthisseasideresortfindyou?

  JACK。[Gravely。]Inahand-bag。

  LADYBRACKNELL。Ahand-bag?

  JACK。[Veryseriously。]Yes,LadyBracknell。Iwasinahand-bag-asomewhatlarge,blackleatherhand-bag,withhandlestoit-anordinaryhand-baginfact。

  LADYBRACKNELL。InwhatlocalitydidthisMr。James,orThomas,Cardewcomeacrossthisordinaryhand-bag?

  JACK。Inthecloak-roomatVictoriaStation。Itwasgiventohiminmistakeforhisown。

  LADYBRACKNELL。Thecloak-roomatVictoriaStation?

  JACK。Yes。TheBrightonline。

  LADYBRACKNELL。Thelineisimmaterial。Mr。Worthing,IconfessI

  feelsomewhatbewilderedbywhatyouhavejusttoldme。Tobeborn,oratanyratebred,inahand-bag,whetherithadhandlesornot,seemstometodisplayacontemptfortheordinarydecenciesoffamilylifethatremindsoneoftheworstexcessesoftheFrenchRevolution。AndIpresumeyouknowwhatthatunfortunatemovementledto?Asfortheparticularlocalityinwhichthehand-bagwasfound,acloak-roomatarailwaystationmightservetoconcealasocialindiscretion-hasprobably,indeed,beenusedforthatpurposebeforenow-butitcouldhardlyberegardedasanassuredbasisforarecognisedpositioningoodsociety。

  JACK。MayIaskyouthenwhatyouwouldadvisemetodo?IneedhardlysayIwoulddoanythingintheworldtoensureGwendolen’shappiness。

  LADYBRACKNELL。Iwouldstronglyadviseyou,Mr。Worthing,totryandacquiresomerelationsassoonaspossible,andtomakeadefiniteefforttoproduceatanyrateoneparent,ofeithersex,beforetheseasonisquiteover。

  JACK。Well,Idon’tseehowIcouldpossiblymanagetodothat。I

  canproducethehand-bagatanymoment。Itisinmydressing-roomathome。Ireallythinkthatshouldsatisfyyou,LadyBracknell。

  LADYBRACKNELL。Me,sir!Whathasittodowithme?YoucanhardlyimaginethatIandLordBracknellwoulddreamofallowingouronlydaughter-agirlbroughtupwiththeutmostcare-tomarryintoacloak-room,andformanalliancewithaparcel?Goodmorning,Mr。Worthing!

  [LADYBRACKNELLsweepsoutinmajesticindignation。]

  JACK。Goodmorning![ALGERNON,fromtheotherroom,strikesuptheWeddingMarch。Jacklooksperfectlyfurious,andgoestothedoor。]Forgoodness’sakedon’tplaythatghastlytune,Algy。Howidioticyouare!

  [ThemusicstopsandALGERNONenterscheerily。]

  ALGERNON。Didn’titgooffallright,oldboy?Youdon’tmeantosayGwendolenrefusedyou?Iknowitisawayshehas。Sheisalwaysrefusingpeople。Ithinkitismostill-naturedofher。

  JACK。Oh,Gwendolenisasrightasatrivet。Asfarassheisconcerned,weareengaged。Hermotherisperfectlyunbearable。

  NevermetsuchaGorgon……Idon’treallyknowwhataGorgonislike,butIamquitesurethatLadyBracknellisone。Inanycase,sheisamonster,withoutbeingamyth,whichisratherunfair……Ibegyourpardon,Algy,IsupposeIshouldn’ttalkaboutyourownauntinthatwaybeforeyou。

  ALGERNON。Mydearboy,Ilovehearingmyrelationsabused。Itistheonlythingthatmakesmeputupwiththematall。Relationsaresimplyatediouspackofpeople,whohaven’tgottheremotestknowledgeofhowtolive,northesmallestinstinctaboutwhentodie。

  JACK。Oh,thatisnonsense!

  ALGERNON。Itisn’t!

  JACK。Well,Iwon’targueaboutthematter。Youalwayswanttoargueaboutthings。

  ALGERNON。Thatisexactlywhatthingswereoriginallymadefor。

  JACK。Uponmyword,ifIthoughtthat,I’dshootmyself……[A

  pause。]Youdon’tthinkthereisanychanceofGwendolenbecominglikehermotherinaboutahundredandfiftyyears,doyou,Algy?

  ALGERNON。Allwomenbecomeliketheirmothers。Thatistheirtragedy。Nomandoes。That’shis。

  JACK。Isthatclever?

  ALGERNON。Itisperfectlyphrased!andquiteastrueasanyobservationincivilisedlifeshouldbe。

  JACK。Iamsicktodeathofcleverness。Everybodyisclevernowadays。Youcan’tgoanywherewithoutmeetingcleverpeople。

  Thethinghasbecomeanabsolutepublicnuisance。Iwishtogoodnesswehadafewfoolsleft。

  ALGERNON。Wehave。

  JACK。Ishouldextremelyliketomeetthem。Whatdotheytalkabout?

  ALGERNON。Thefools?Oh!aboutthecleverpeople,ofcourse。

  JACK。Whatfools!

  ALGERNON。Bytheway,didyoutellGwendolenthetruthaboutyourbeingErnestintown,andJackinthecountry?

  JACK。[Inaverypatronisingmanner。]Mydearfellow,thetruthisn’tquitethesortofthingonetellstoanice,sweet,refinedgirl。Whatextraordinaryideasyouhaveaboutthewaytobehavetoawoman!

  ALGERNON。Theonlywaytobehavetoawomanistomakelovetoher,ifsheispretty,andtosomeoneelse,ifsheisplain。

  JACK。Oh,thatisnonsense。

  ALGERNON。Whataboutyourbrother?WhatabouttheprofligateErnest?

  JACK。Oh,beforetheendoftheweekIshallhavegotridofhim。

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