TheSchoolThatCompletesOurEducation\"Hethatovercomethshallinheritallthings;andIwillbehisGod，andheshallbemyson\"——Revelation21：7。
\"Sweetaretheusesofadversity;
Which，likethetoad，uglyandvenomous，Wearsyetapreciousjewelinhishead;
Andthusourlife，exemptfrompublichaunt，Findstonguesintrees，booksinrunningbrooksSermonsinstones，andgoodineverything。\"
ShakespeareWhyItIsPrintedMOREthanamillionpeoplehavesatinaudiencesinallpartsoftheUnitedStatesandhavelistenedto\"TheUniversityofHardKnocks。\"Ithasbeendeliveredtodatemorethantwenty-fivehundredtimesuponlyceumcourses，atchautauquas，teachers’
institutes，clubgatherings，conventionsandbeforevariousotherkindsofaudiences。RalphParletteiskeptbusyyearafteryearlecturing，becausehislecturesdealwithuniversalhumanexperience。
\"CanIgetthelectureinbookform？\"Thatcontinuousquestionfromaudiencesbroughtoutthisbookinresponse。Hereistheoverflowofmanydeliveries。
\"WhatiswrittenhereisnotthewayIwouldwriteit，wereI
writingabook，\"saysRalphParlette。\"ItisthewayIsayit。Thelecturetookthisunconsciouscolloquialformbeforeaudiences。Anaudiencemakesalecture，ifthelecturesurvives。IwishIcouldshakethehandofeverypersonwhohassatinmyaudiences。AndI
wishIcouldtellthelecturecommitteesofAmericahowI
appreciatethevastamountofaltruisticworktheyhavedoneinbringingtheaudiencesofAmericatogether。Forlectureaudiencesarenotdrawntogether，theyarepushedtogether。\"
Thewarmreceptiongiven\"TheUniversityofHardKnocks\"bythepublic，hasencouragedthepublisherstoputmoreofMr。Parlette’slecturesintobookform，\"BigBusiness\"and\"PocketsandParadises\"
arenowinpreparationasthis，thethirdeditionof\"TheUniversityofHardKnocks\"comesfromthepress。
ContentsSOMEPRELIMINARYREMARKS——Thelecturerthedeliverywagon——Thesorghumbarrel——Audiencemusthaveplacetoputlecture——WhysomanywordsTheUniversityofHardKnocksI。THEBOOKSAREBUMPS——Everybumpalesson——Whythetwokindsofbumps——DescriptionofUniversity——\"SweetaretheusesofAdversity\"——WhychildrenarenotinterestedII。THECOLLEGEOFNEEDLESSKNOCKS，thebumpsthatwebumpinto——Gettingthecoffee-pot——Teachingawilfulchild——Bumpsmakeus\"stop，look，listen\"——Blindmanlearnswithonebump——Goinguprequireseffort——Prodigalsmustbebumped——Theflyandthestickyfly-paper——\"Removed\"and\"knockedout\"
III。THECOLLEGEOFNEEDFULKNOCKS，thebumpsthatbumpintous——Oursorrowsanddisappointments——Howthepianowasmade——Howthe\"redmud\"becomesrazor-blades——Theworldourmirror——Thecrippletaughtbythebumps——Everybumpbringsablessing——YouareneverdownandoutIV。\"SHAKETHEBARREL\"——Howwedecideourdestinies——Whythebigonesshakeupandthelittleonesshakedown——Thebarreloflifesortingpeople——Howweholdourplaces，godown，goup——Goodluckandbadluck——Thegirlwhowentup——Themanwhowentdown——Thefatalrattle——Wemustgetreadytoget——Testimonialsandpressnotices——Youcannotupliftpeoplewithderrick——Nolawscanequalize——Helppeopletohelpthemselves——WecannotgetthingstillwegetreadyforthemV。GOINGUP——Howwebecomegreat——Wemustgetinsidegreatness——
Thereisnotop——Wemakeourselvesgreatbyservice——thefirststepathand——Allcanbegreatest——Wheretofindgreatpeople——AglimpseofGunsaulusVI。THEPROBLEMOF\"PREPAREDNESS\"——Preparingchildrenforlife——Most\"advantages\"aredisadvantages——Buyingeducationforchildren——Thestoryof\"Gussie\"and\"BillWhackem\"——Schoolsandbooksonlygivebettertoolsforservice——\"Hardknocks\"graduates——
MenaceofAmericanotswollenfortunesbutshrunkensouls——
Childrenmusthavestruggletogetstrength——Notpackhorsework——
Helpingtheturkeyskilledthem——thehappinessofworkwelove——
Amusementdrunkards——Lureofthecity——Strongmenfromthecountry——
Mustsavethehometowns——Aschoolofstruggle——NewSchoolexperimentVII。THESALVATIONOFA\"SUCKER\"——Youcan’tgetsomethingfornothing——Thefiddleandthetuning——Howweknowthings——Trimmedattheshellgame——My\"fooldrawer\"——Getting\"selectedtoreceive1，000percent\"——Youmustearnwhatyouown——Commencementorations——Mymaidensermon——Thebooksthatlivehavebeenlived——Singermustlivesongs——Successfulsongswrittenfromexperience——Theoryandpractice——TuningthestringsoflifeVIII。LOOKINGBACKWARD——Memoriesofthepricewepay——Myfirstschoolteaching——Loaningthedeaconmymoney——Callingtherollofmyschoolmates——AtthegraveoftheboyIhadenvied——WhyBenHurwonthechariotrace——PullingontheoarIX。GOONSOUTH！——Thebookintherunningbrook——TheMississippikeepsongoingsouthandgrowinggreater——Wegenerallystartwell，butstop——Fewgoonsouth——Theplagueofincompetents——Todayourbestday，tomorrowtobebetter——Birthdaysarepromotions——Iamjustbeginning——Bernhardt，Davis，Edison——Mosesbeginsateighty——Toobusytobury——Sympathyforthe\"sobsquad\"——Childseesworstdays，notbest——Waitingforthesecondtable——Betterdaysonsouth——Overcomingobstaclesdevelopspower——Goonsouthfromprinciple，notpraise——Doingdutyforthejoyofit——Becomingthe\"FatherofWaters\"——Goonsouthforever！
X。GOINGUPLIFE’SMOUNTAIN——Thedefeatsthatarevictories——
ClimbingMountLowe——Gettingabovethecloudsintothesunshine——
Eachdaywerisetolargervision——Gettingabovethenightintotheeternalday——GoingsouthisgoingupwardSomePreliminaryRemarksLADIESandGentlemen：
Idonotwanttobeseeninthislecture。Iwanttobeheard。Iamonlythedeliverywagon。Whenthedeliverywagoncomestoyourhouse，youarenotmuchinterestedinhowitlooks;youareinterestedinthegoodsitbringsyou。Youknowsomeverygoodgoodsaresometimesdeliveredtoyouinsomeverypoordeliverywagons。
Sointhislecture，pleasedonotpayanyattentiontothedeliverywagon——howmuchitsqueaksandwheezesandrattlesandwabbles。Donotpaymuchattentiontothewrappingsandstrings。Getinsidetothegoods。
Really，Ibelievethegoodsaregood。IbelieveIamtorecitetoyousomeofthemultiplicationtableoflife——notmine，notyoursalone，buteverybody’s。
CanOnlyPullthePlug！
Everyaudiencehasadifferenttemperature，andthatmakesalecturegodifferentlybeforeeveryaudience。Thekindofanaudienceisjustasimportantasthekindofalecture。Acoldaudiencewillmakeagoodlecturepoor，whileawarmaudiencewillmakeapoorlecturegood。
Letmeillustrate：
WhenIwasaboywehadabarrelofsorghuminthewoodshed。Whenmotherwantedtomakeginger-breadorcookies，shewouldsendmetothewoodshedtogetabucketofsorghumfromthatbarrel。
SomewarmSeptemberdayIwouldpulltheplugfromthebarrelandthesorghumwouldfairlysquirtintomybucket。Laterinthefallwhenitwascolder，Iwouldpulltheplugbutthesorghumwouldnotsquirt。Itwouldcomeoutslowlyandreluctantly，sothatIwouldhavetowaitalongwhiletogetalittlesorghum。AndonsomerealcoldwinterdayIwouldpulltheplug，butthesorghumwouldnotrunatall。Itwouldjustlookoutatme。
Idiscovereditwasthetemperature。
Ihavebroughtabarrelofsorghumtothisaudience。Thenameofthesorghumis\"TheUniversityofHardKnocks。\"Icanonlypulltheplug。Icannotmakeitrun。Thatwilldependuponthetemperatureofthisaudience。Youcanhaveallyouwantofit，buttogetittorunningfreely，youwillhavetowarmup。
DidYouBringaBucket？
Nomatterhowthesorghumruns，youhavetohaveabuckettogetit。Howmuchanyonegetsoutofalecturedependsalsouponthesizeofthebuckethebringstogetitin。Abigbucketcangetfilledataverysmallstream。Alittlebucketgetslittleatthegreateststream。WithnobucketyoucangetnothingatNiagara。
Thatoftenexplainswhyonepersonsaysalectureisgreat，whilethenextpersonsayshegotnothingoutofit。
WhatIt’sAllAboutHereisagreatmassofwordsandsentencesandpicturestoexpresstwoorthreesimplelittleideasoflife，thatoureducationisourgrowingupfromtheFinitetotheInfinite，andthatitisdonebyourownpersonalovercoming，andthatweneverfinishit。
Haveyounoticedthatnosentence，noramillionsentences，canboundlife？Haveyounoticedthateverystatementdoesnotquitecoverit？Nostatement，nolibrary，cantellallaboutlife。Nosuccessrulecanalonesolvetheproblem。Youmustaverageitallandstruggleuptoahighervision。
Wearetoldthatthestomachneedsbulkaswellasnutriment。Itwouldnotprosperwiththenecessaryelementsintheircondensedform。Soabstracttruthsintheirlowesttermsdonotalwayspromotementaldigestionlikemorebulkinthewayofpicturesanddiscussionsofthesetruths。Hereisbulkaswellasnutriment。
Ifyougetthefeelingthatthefirstpersonalpronounisbeingoverworked，Iremindyouthatthisismoreaconfessionthanalecture。Youcannotconfesswithoutreferringtotheconfesser。
ToEverybodyinMyAudienceIlikeyoubecauseIamlikeyou。
IbelieveinyoubecauseIbelieveinmyself。Weareallonefamily。IbelieveinyourInside，notinyourOutside，whoeveryouare，whateveryouare，whereveryouare。
IbelieveintheAngelofGoodinsideeveryblockofhumanmarble。
IbelieveitmustbecarvedoutinTheUniversityofHardKnocks。
Ibelieveallthispride，vanity，selfishness，self-righteousness，hypocrisyandhumanfrailtyaretheOutsidethatmustbechippedaway。
IbelievetheHardKnockscannotinjuretheAngel，butcanonlyrevealit。
IhopeyouaregettingyourHardKnocks。
Icarelittleaboutyourgloriousoringloriouspast。Icarelittleaboutyourpresent。IcaremuchaboutyourfutureforthatistoseemoreoftheAngelinyou。
TheUniversityofHardKnocksChapterI
TheBooksAreBumpsTHEgreatestschoolistheUniversityofHardKnocks。Itsbooksarebumps。
Everybumpisalesson。Ifwelearnthelessonwithonebump，wedonotgetthatbumpagain。Wedonotneedit。Wehavetraveledpastit。Theydonotwastethebumps。Wegetpromotedtothenextbump。
Butifweare\"naturallybright，\"orthereissomethingelsethematterwithus，sothatwedonotlearnthelessonofthebumpwehavejustgotten，thenthatbumpmustcomebackandbumpusagain。
Someofuslearntogoforwardwithafewbumps，butmostofusare\"naturallybright\"andhavetobepulverized。
ThetuitionintheUniversityofHardKnocksisnotfree。
Experienceisthedearestteacherintheworld。MostofusspendourlivesintheA-B-C’sofgettingstarted。
Wematriculateinthecradle。
Wenevergraduate。Whenwestoplearningwearedueforanotherbump。
Therearetwokindsofpeople——wisepeopleandfools。Thefoolsarethepeoplewhothinktheyhavegraduated。
TheplaygroundisallofGod’suniverse。
Theuniversitycolorsareblackandblue。
Theyellis\"ouch\"repeatedadlib。
TheNeedoftheBumpsWhenIwasthirteenIknewagreatdealmorethanIdonow。Therewasasentenceinmygrammarthatdisgustedme。ItwasbysomeforeignerIhadnevermet。HisnamewasShakespeare。Itwasthis：
\"Sweetaretheusesofadversity;
Which，likethetoad，uglyandvenomous，Wearsyetapricelessjewelinitshead;
Andthusourlife，exemptfrompublichaunt，Findstonguesintrees，booksinrunningbrooks，Sermonsinstones，andgoodineverything。\"
\"Tonguesintrees，\"Ithought。\"Treescan’ttalk！Thatmaniscrazy。Booksinrunningbrooks！Whynobodyneverputsnobooksinnorunningbrooks。They’dgetwet。Andthatsermonsinstones！Theygetpreacherstopreachsermons，andtheybuildhousesoutofstones。\"
IwassorryforShakespeare——whenIwasthirteen。
ButIamhappytodaythatIhavetraveledalittlefarther。IamhappythatIhavebeguntolearnthelessonsfromthebumps。IamhappythatIamlearningthesweetthopainfullessonsoftheUniversityofAdversity。IamhappythatIambeginningtolisten。
ForasIlearntolisten，Iheareverytreespeaking，everystonepreachingandeveryrunningbrooktheunfoldingofabook。
Children，Ifearyouwillnotbegreatlyinterestedinwhatistofollow。
Perhapsyouare\"naturallybright\"andfeelsorryforShakespeare。
Iwasnotinterestedwhenfatherandmothertoldmethesethings。
Iknewtheymeantallright，buttheworldhadmovedsincetheywereyoung，andnowtwoandtwomadeseven，becausewelivedsomuchfaster。
Itissohardtotellyoungpeopleanything。Theyknowbetter。Sotheyhavetogetbumpedjustwherewegotbumped，tolearnthattwoandtwoalwaysmakesfour，and\"whatsoeveramansoweth，thatshallhealsoreap。\"
Butifyouwillremembersomeofthesethings，theywillfeellikepoulticesbyandbywhenthebumpscome。
TheTwoCollegesAswegetbumpedandbatteredonlife’spathway，wediscoverwegettwokindsofbumps——bumpsthatweneedandbumpsthatwedonotneed。
Bumpsthatwebumpintoandbumpsthatbumpintous。
Wediscover，inotherwords，thatTheUniversityofHardKnockshastwocolleges——TheCollegeofNeedlessKnocksandTheCollegeofNeedfulKnocks。
Weattendbothcolleges。
ChapterII
TheCollegeofNeedlessKnocksTheBumpsThatWeBumpIntoNEARLYallthebumpswegetareNeedlessKnocks。
TherecomesavividmemoryofoneofmyearlyNeedlessKnocksasI
saythat。ItwasbackatthetimewhenIwastryingtorunourhometosuitmyself。Isatinthehighestchairinthefamilycircle。I
wasthreeyearsoldandreadytograduate。
Thatdaytheyhadthelittlejoyandsunshineofthefamilyinhishigh-chairthronerightupbesidethedinnertable。Thecoffee-potwaswithingrabbingdistance。
Ibecameenamoredwiththatcoffee-pot。IdecidedIneededthatcoffee-potinmybusiness。Ireachedovertogetthecoffee-pot。
ThenIdiscoveredawomanbesideme，mymother。ShewasthemostmeddlesomewomanIhadeverknown。Ihadnottriedtodoonethinginthreeyearsthatthatwomanhadnotmeddledinto。
AndthatdaywhenIwantedthecoffee-pot——Ididwantit。NobodyknowshowIdesiredthatcoffee-pot。\"Onethingthoulackest，\"acoffee-pot——
Iwasreachingovertogetit，thatwomansaid，\"Don’ttouchthat！\"
ThelongerIthoughtaboutitthemoreangryIbecame。Whatrighthasthatwomantomeddleintomyaffairsallthetime？Ihavestoodthispetticoattyrannythreeyears，anditistimetostopit！
Istoppedit。Igotthecoffee-pot。IknowIgotthecoffee-pot。I
gotitunanimously。IknowwhenIgotitandIalsoknowwhereI
gotit。Igotaboutagallonofthereddest，hottestcoffeeabadboyeverspilledoverhimself。
O-o-o-o-o-o！Icanfeelityet！
TherewereweeksafterthatwhenIwasupholstered。Theyputapplebutteronme——andcoaloilandwhite-of-an-eggandstarchandanythingelsetheneighborscouldthinkof。Theywouldbringitoverandrubitonthelittlejoyandsunshineofthefamily，whohadgottentemporarilyeclipsed。
TeachingaWilfulChildYousee，mymother’swaywastotellmeandthenletmedoasI
pleased。Shetoldmenottogetthecoffee-potandthenletmegetit，knowingthatitwouldburnme。Shewouldsay，\"Don’t。\"ThenshewouldgoonwithherknittingandletmedoasIpleased。
Whydon’tmothersknittoday？
Motherwouldsay，\"Don’tfallinthewell。\"Icouldgoandjumpinthewellafterthatandshewouldnotlookatme。Idonotarguethatthisisthewaytoraisechildren，butIinsistthatthiswasthemostkindandeffectivewaytorearonestubbornboyIknowof。
Theneighborsandtheladies’aidsocietyoftensaidmymotherwascruelwiththatangelchild。Buttheneighborsdidnotknowwhatkindofaninsectmotherwastryingtoraise。Motherdidknow。Sheknewhowstubbornandself-willedIwas。Itcamefromfather’s\"sideofthehouse。\"
Motherknewthattoarguewithmewastoflatterme。Tellme，servenoticeuponme，andthenletmegoaheadandgetmycoffee-pot。
Thatwasthequickestandkindestwaytoteachme。
IlearnedveryquicklythatifIdidnothearmother，andheed，acoffee-potwouldspilluponme。IcannotrememberwhenIdisobeyedmymotherthatacoffee-potofsomekinddidnotspilluponme，andI
gotmyblisters。Motherdidnotinflictthem。Motherwasnotmuchofaninflicter。Fatherattendedtothatinthelaboratorybehindtheparsonage。
\"Stop，Look，Listen\"
AndthruthebumpswelearnthatTheCollegeofNeedlessKnocksrunsonthesameplan。TheVoiceofWisdomsaystoeachofus，\"Childofhumanity，doright，walkintherightpath。Youwillbewiserandhappier。\"Thetonguesinthetrees，thebooksintherunningbrooksandthesermonsinthestonesallrepeatit。
Butwearenotcompelledtowalkintherightpath。Wearefreeim-moralagents。
Wegetofftherightpath。Wegodownforbiddenpaths。Theyseemeasierandmoreattractive。Itissoeasytogodownward。Weslidedownward，butwehavetomakeefforttogoupward。
Anythingthatgoesdownwardwillrunitself。Anythingthatgoesupwardhastobepushed。
Andgoingdownthewrongpath，wegetbumpedharderandharderuntilwelisten。
Weareluckyifwelearnthelessonwithonebump。Weareunluckywhenwegetbumpedtwiceinthesameplace，foritmeanswearemakingnoprogress。
Whenwearebumped，weshould\"stop，look，listen。\"\"Safetyfirst！\"
OnetimeIpaidaseeresstwodollarstolookintomyhonestpalm。
Shesaid，\"Ithain’tyourfault。Youwasn’tbornright。Youwasbornunderanunluckystar。\"Youdon’tknowhowthatcomfortedme。
Itwasn’tmyfault——allmybumpsandcoffee-pots！Iwasjustunluckyandithadtobe。
HowIhadtobebumpedtolearnbetter！NowwhenIgetbumpedItrytolearnthelessonofthebumpandfindtherightpath，sothatwhenIseethatbumpcomingagainIcansay，\"Excuseme;ithathafamiliarlook，\"anddodgeit。
Theseeressisthesoothingsyrupformentalinfants。
BlindMan’sFineSightTheotherdayIwatchedablindmangodowntheaisleofthecartogetoffthetrain。Didyoueverstudythewalkofablindman？He\"pussyfooted\"italongsocarefully。Hebumpedhishandagainstaseat。Thenhedidwhateveryblindmandoes，heliftedhishandhigheranddidn’tbumpanymoreseats。
Ilookeddownmynose。\"RalphParlette，\"Isaidtomyself，\"whenareyougoingtolearntoseeaswellasthatblindman？Helearnshislessonwithonebump，andyouhavetogobumpingintothesamethingsdayafterdayandwonderwhyyouhavesomuch`badluck’！\"
AreYouGoingUporDown？
Letmerepeat，thingsthatgodownwardwillrunthemselves。Thingsthatgoupwardhavetobepushed。Goingupwardisovercoming。
Noticethatchurches，schools，lyceums，chautauquas，reformmovements——thingsthatgoupward——neverrunthemselves。Theymustbepushedallthetime。
Andsowithourownlives。Reallivingisconsciousefforttogoupwardtolargerlife。
Ifyouaremakingnoeffortinyourlife，ifyouaremovinginthelineofleastresistance，dependuponityouaregoingdownward。
Lookoutforthebumps！
Lookoveryourcommunity。Notethehandfulofbrave，faithful，unselfishsoulswhoarecarryingthecommunityburdensandpushingupward。Notethemultitudemakinglittleornoeffort，andevengettinginthewayofthepushers。
Majoritiesdonotrule。Majoritiesneverhaveruled。Itisthebraveminorityofthinking，self-sacrificingpeoplethatdecidesthetomorrowofcommunitiesthatgoupward。Majoritiesarenotwillingtomaketheefforttorulethemselves。Theyarecontenttodriftandbeamusedandfollowfalsegodsthatpromisesomethingfornothing。Theymustbeled——sometimesdriven——byminorities。
Peoplearelikesheep。Theshepherdcanleadthemtoheaven——ortohell。
BumpingtheProdigalsHumanlifeisthestoryoftheProdigalSon。Welookoverthefenceofgoodnessintothemysteryofthegreatunknownworldbeyondandinthatunknownrealmwefondlyimagineishappiness。
Downthegreatwhitewayoftheworldgothemillionprodigals，seekinghappinesswherenobodyeverfoundhappiness。Theirdaysfillupwithdisappointment，theirvisionbecomesdulled。Theybecomeanaemicfeedinguponthehusks。
Theyjustmustgettheircoffee-pot！
Howtheymustbebumpedtothinkupontheirways。EverytimewedowrongwegetaNeedlessKnock。Everytime！Wemaynotalwaysgetbumpedontheoutside，butwealwaysgetbumpedontheinside。A
bumpontheconscienceisworsethanabumponthe\"noodle。\"
\"Icandowrongandnotgetbumped。Ihavenofeelingsuponthesubject，\"somebodysays，Youcan？Youpooroldsinner，youhavebumpedyourconsciencenumb。Thatiswhyyouhavenofeelingsonthesubject。Youhavepoundedyoursoulintoajelly。Youdon’tknowhowbadlyyouarehurt。
Howtheolddevilworksdayandnighttokeeppeopleamusedanddopedsothattheywillnotthinkupontheirways！Howhekeepsthemusicandthedazzlegoingsotheywillnotseetheyarebumpingthemselves！
ConsidertheStickyFlypaperDidyoueverwatchaflygethisNeedlessKnocksonthestickyflypaper？
ThelastthingMammaFlysaidasJohnnywentofftothecitywas，\"Remember，son，tostayawayfromthestickyflypaper。Thatiswhereyourpoordearfatherwaslost。\"AndJohnnyFlyremembersforseveralminutes。Butwhenheseesallthesmartyoungfliesofhissetgoovertotheflypaper，hegoesover，too。Hegazesdownathisfaceinthestickiness。\"Ah！howprettyIam！Thisstickyflypapershowsmeupbetterthananythingathome。Whatafineplacetoskate。JustseehowcloseIcanflyoveritandnotgetstuckabit。Motherissuchasillyoldworryer。Shemeansallright，ofcourse，butsheisn’tup-to-date。Weyoungsetofmodernfliesarenaturallybrightandhavesomanymoreadvantages。Youcan’tcatchus。Theyweretoostrictwithmebackhome。\"
YouseeJohnnyflybackandforthandhavethetimeofhisnaturallybrightyounglife。Afterwhile，tho，hestubshistoeandlandsinthestickiness。\"Well，well，hownicethisisonthefeet，sosoftandsoothing！\"
Firstheputsonefootdownandpullsitout。Thatisalotoffun。
Itshowsheisnotaprisoner。Heisastrong-mindedfly。Hecanquititorplayinit，justashepleases。Afterwhileheputstwofeetdowninthestickiness。Itishardertopullthemout。Thenheputsthreedownandputsdownafewmoretryingtopullthemout。
\"Really，\"saysJohnnyFlybowingtohiscomradesalsostuckaroundhim，\"really，boys，you’llhavetoexcusemenow。Good-bye！\"Buthedoesn’tpullloose。Hefeelstiredandhesitsdowninthestickyflypaper。Itisafineplacetostickaround。Allhisyoungsetoffliesarearoundhim。Hedoeslikethecompany。Theyallfeelthesameway——theycanplayinthestickyflypaperorletitalone，justastheyplease，fortheyarestrong-mindedflies。Theyhaveanotherdrinkandsing，\"Wewon’tgohometillmorning。\"
Johnnymaygethome，buthewillleaveawingoraleg。
Mostofthemstay。Theyjustsettledownintothestickinesswithsleepingsickness。
ThetuitioninTheCollegeofNeedlessKnocksisveryhighindeed！
\"Removed\"or\"KnockedOut\"？
Themanwhogoestojailoughttocongratulatehimselfifheisguilty。Itisthemanwhodoesnotgetdiscoveredwhoistobepitied，forhemustgetsomemoreknocks。
Theworldlovestowriteresolutionsofrespect。Howoftenwewrite，\"Whereas，ithaspleasedanall-wiseProvidencetoremove，\"
whenwemightreasonablyaskwhetherthevictimwas\"removed\"ormerely\"knockedout。\"
ThereisagooddealofsuicidechargeduptoProvidence。
ChapterIII
TheCollegeofNeedfulKnocksTheBumpsThatBumpIntoUsBUToccasionallyallofusgetbumpsthatwedonotbumpinto。Theybumpintous。Theyaretheguideboardknocksthatpointustothehigherpathway。
Youwerebumpedyesterdayoryearsago。Maybethewoundhasnotyethealed。Maybeyouthinkitneverwillheal。Youwonderedwhyyouwerebumped。Someofyouinthisaudiencearejustnowwonderingwhy。
Youweredoingright——doingjustthebestyouknewhow——andyetsomeblowcamecrushinguponyouandgaveyoucruelpain。
Itbrokeyourheart。Youhavehadyourheartbroken。IhavehadmyheartbrokenmoretimesthanIcaretotalkaboutnow。Yourhomewasdarkened，yourplanswerewrecked，youthoughtyouhadnothingmoretolivefor。
Iamlikeyou。Ihavehadmoretroublethananybodyelse。Ihaveneverknownanyonewhohadnothadmoretroublethananyoneelse。
ButIamdiscoveringthatlifeonlygetsgoodafterwehavebeenkilledafewtimes。Eachdeathisalargerbirth。
Weallmustlearn，ifwehavenotalreadylearned，thattheseblowsarelessonsinTheCollegeofNeedfulKnocks。Theypointupwardtoahigherpaththanwehavebeentraveling。
Inotherwords，wearerawmaterial。Youknowwhatrawmaterialis——materialthatneedsmoreNeedfulKnockstomakeitmoreusefulandvaluable。
Theclothingwewear，thefoodweeat，thehousewelivein，allhavetohavetheNeedfulKnockstobecomeuseful。Andsodoeshumanityneedthesamepreparationforgreaterusefulness。
Ishouldliketoknoweverypersoninthisaudience。ButtheonesIshouldmostappreciateknowingaretheoneswhohaveknownthemostoftheseknocks——whohavefacedthegreatcrisesoflifeandhavebeentriedinthecruciblesofaffliction。ForIamlearningthattheselivesarethegoldtriedinthefire。
TheSorrowsofthePianoSeethepianoonthisstage？Goodevening，Mr。Piano。Iamgladtoseeyou。Youaresoshiny，beautiful，valuableandfullofmusic，ifproperlytreated。
Doyouknowhowyougotuponthisstage，Mr。Piano？Youwerebumpedhere。Thisisnoreflectionuponthejanitor。YoubecameapianobytheNeedfulKnocks。
Icanseeyoubackinyourcallowbeginnings，whenyouwerejustatree——atall，greentree。Youweregreen！Onlygreenthingsgrow。
Didyougetthemeaningofthat，children？Ihopeyouaregreen。
Thereyoustoodintheforest，aperfectlygood，greenyoungtree。
Yougotyourlessons，combedyourhair，wenttoSundayschoolandwerethebestyoungtreeyoucouldbe。
Thatiswhyyouwerebumped——becauseyouweregood！Therecameamanintothewoodswithanax，andhelookedforthebesttreestheretobump。Hebumpedyou——hityouwiththeax！Howithurtyou！
Andhowunjustitwas！Hekeptonhittingyou。\"Theoperationwasjustterrible。\"Finallyyoufell，crushed，broken，bleeding。
Itisaverysadstory。Theytookyouallbumpedandbleedingtothesawmillandtheybumpedandrippedyoumore。Theycutyouinpiecesandhammeredyoudaybyday。
Theydidnotbumpthelittle，crooked，dissipated，cigaret-stuntedtrees。Theywerenotworthbumping。
Butshake，Mr。Piano。Thatiswhyyouareonthisstage。Youwerebumpedhere。Allthebeauty，harmonyandvaluewerebumpedintoyou。
TheSufferingsoftheRedMudOnedayIwasuptheMissaberoadaboutahundredmilesnorthofDuluth，Minnesota，andcametoaholeintheground。Itwasabighole——aboutahalf-mileofhole。Thereweresteam-shovelsatworkthrowingoutofthatholewhatIthoughtwasredmud。
\"Kindsir，whyaretheythrowingthatredmudoutofthathole？\"I
askedanative。
\"Thathain’tredmud。That’sironore，an’it’sthebestironoreintheworld。\"
\"Whatisitworth？\"
\"Ithain’tworthnothin’here;that’swhythey’removin’itaway。\"
There’sredmudaroundeverycommunitythat\"hain’tworthnothin’\"
untilyoumoveit——sendittocollegeorsomewhere。
Notverylongafterthis，nearPittsburgh，Pennsylvania，Isawsomeofthissameredmud。IthadbeenmovedovertheGreatLakesandtherailstowhattheycallablastfurnace，thetechnologicalnameofwhichbeingTheCollegeofNeedfulKnocksforRedMud。
Iwatchedthisredmudmatriculateintoagreathopperwithlimestone，charcoalandothertextbooks。Thentheycorkeditupandschoolbegan。Theyroastedit。Itisagreatthingtoberoasted。
Whenitwasdoneroastingtheystopped。Haveyounoticedthattheyalwaysstopwhenanythingisdoneroasting？Ifweareyetgettingroasted，perhapswearenotdone！
Thentheypulledtheplugoutofthebottomofthecollegeandheldpromotionexercises。Theredmudsquirtedoutintothesand。Itwasnotredmudnow，becauseithadbeenroasted。Itwasafreshman——
pigiron，worthmorethanredmud，becauseithadbeenroasted。
Someofthepigironwentintoanotherdepartment，abigteakettle，whereitwasagainroasted，andnowitcameoutasophomore——steel，worthmorethanpigiron。
Someofthesophomoresteelwentupintoanothergradewhereitwasroastedyetagainandrolledthinintoajunior。Someofthatwentonupandup，ateverystepgettingmorepoundingandroastingandaffliction。
ItseemedasthoIcouldhearthesufferingredmudcryingout，\"O，whydidtheytakemeawayfrommyhappyhole-in-the-ground？Whydotheypoundmeandbreakmyheart？Ihavebeengoodandfaithful。O，whydotheyroastme？O，I’llnevergetoverthis！\"
Butaftertheyhadgivenitadiploma——apricemarktellinghowmuchithadbeenroasted——theytookitproudlyallovertheworld，labeled\"MadeinAmerica。\"Theyhungitinshowwindows，theyputitinglasscases。Manypeopleadmireditandsaid，\"Isn’tthatfinework！\"Theypaidmuchmoneyforitnow。Theypaidthemostmoneyforwhathadbeenroastedthemost。
Ifatonofthatredmudhadbecomewatch-springsorrazor-blades，thepricehadgoneupintothousandsofdollars。
Myfriends，youandIaretherawmaterial，thegreentrees，theredmud。TheNeedfulKnocksarenecessarytomakeusserviceable。
Everybumpisraisingourprice。Everybumpisdisclosingapathtoalargerlife。Thediamondandthechunkofsoftcoalareexactlythesamematerial，saythechemists。ButthediamondhasgonetoTheCollegeofNeedfulKnocksmorethanhashercrudesisterofthecoal-scuttle。
Thereisnohumandiamondthathasnotbeencrystallizedinthecruciblesofaffliction。Thereisnogoldthathasnotbeenrefinedinthefire。
CrippleTaughtbyBumpsOneeveningwhenIwastryingtolectureinachautauquatentinIllinois，acrippledwomanwaswheeledintothetentandbroughtrightdowntothefootoftheplatform。ThesubjectwasTheUniversityofHardKnocks。Presentlythecripple’sfacewasshiningbrighterthanthefootlights。
Sheknewabouttheknocks！
AfterwardsIwenttoher。\"Littlelady，Iwanttothankyouforcominghere。IhavethefeelingthatIspokethewords，butyouarethelectureitself。\"
Whatasmileshegaveme！\"Yes，Iknowaboutthehardknocks，\"shesaid。\"Ihavebeeninpainmostofmylife。ButIhavelearnedallthatIknowsittinginthischair。Ihavelearnedtobepatientandkindandlovingandbrave。\"
Theytoldmethiscrippledwomanwasthesweetest-spirited，best-lovedpersoninthetown。
Buthermotherpetulantlyinterruptedme。Shehadwheeledthecrippleintothetent。Shewastallandstately。Shewaswell-gowned。Shelivedinoneofthefinesthomesinthecity。Shehadeverythingthatmoneycouldbuy。Buthermoneyseemedunabletobuythefrownfromherface。
\"Mr。LectureMan，\"shesaid，\"whyiseverybodyinterestedinmydaughterandnobodyinterestedinme？WhyismydaughterhappyandwhyamInothappy？Mydaughterisalwayshappyandshehasn’tasinglethingtomakeherhappy。Iamnothappy。Ihavenotbeenhappyforyears。WhyamInothappy？\"
Whatwouldyouhavesaid？Justonthespurofthemoment——Isaid，\"Madam，Idon’twanttobeunkind，butIreallythinkthereasonyouarenothappyisthatyouhaven’tbeenbumpedenough。\"
IdiscoverwhenIamunhappyandselfishandpeopledon’tusemeright，Ineedanotherbump。
Thecripplegirlhadtraveledaheadofherjealousmother。Forselfishnesscripplesusmorethanparalysis。
SchoolsofSympathyWhenIseealongrowofcotsinahospitalorsanitarium，Iwanttocongratulatethepatientslyingthere。Theyarelearningthepreciouslessonsofpatience，sympathy，love，faithandcourage。
Theyaregettingtheeducationinthehumanitiestheworldneedsmorethantablesoflogarithms。Onlythosewhohavesufferedcansympathize。Theyaretobecomeapreciouspartofourpopulation。
Theworldneedsthemmorethanlibrariesandfoundations。
TheSilverLiningThereisnobackwardstepinlife。Whateverexperiencescometousaretrulynewchaptersofoureducationifwearewillingtolearnthem。
Wethinkthisistrueofthegoodthingsthatcometous，butwedonotwanttothinksoofthebadthings。Yetwegrowmoreinleanyearsthaninfatyears。Infatyearsweputitinourpockets。Inleanyearsweputitinourhearts。Materialandspiritualprosperitydonotoftentravelhand-in-hand。Whenwebecomemateriallyveryprosperous，somanyofusbegintosay，\"IsnotthisBabylonthatIhavebuilded？\"Andaboutthattimetherecomessomehandwritingonthewallandabumptosaveus。
Thinkofwhatmighthappentoyoutoday。Yourhomemightburn。Wedon’twantyourhometoburn，butsomebody’shomeisburningjustnow。Aconflagrationmightsweepyourtownfromthemap。Yourbusinessmightwreck。Yourfortunemightbesweptaway。Yourgoodnamemightbetarnished。Bereavementmighttakefromyoutheoneyoulovemost。
Youwouldneverknowhowmanyrealfriendsyouhaveuntilthen。Butlookout！Someofyourfriendswouldsay，\"Iamsosorryforyou。
Youaredownandout。\"Donotbelievethatyouaredownandout，foritisnottrue。Theoldenemyofhumanitywantsyoutobelieveyouaredownandout。Hewantsyoutosympathizewithyourself。Youareneverdownandout！
Thetruthis，anotherchapterofyourrealeducationhasbeenopened。WillyoureadthelessonoftheNeedfulKnocks？
Agreatconflagration，acyclone，arailroadwreck，anepidemicorotherpublicdisasterbringssympathy，bravery，brotherhoodandloveinitswake。
Thereisasilverliningtoeveryhardknockscloud。
OutofthetrenchesoftheGreatWarcomenationschastenedbysacrificeandpurgedoftheirdross。
ChapterIV
\"ShakeTheBarrel\"
HowWeDecideOurDestiniesNOWaswelearnthelessonsoftheNeedlessandtheNeedfulKnocks，wegetwisdom，understanding，happiness，strength，successandgreatness。Wegoupinlife。Webecomeeducated。Letmebringyouapictureofit。
Onedaythetrainstoppedatastationtotakewater。Besidethetrackwasagrocerywitharowofbarrelsofapplesinfront。Therewasonebarrelfullofbig，red，fatapples。Irushedoverandgotasackofthebig，red，fatapples。Laterasthetrainwasunderway，Ilookedinthesackanddiscoveredtherewasnotabig，red，fatapplethere。
AllIcouldfigureoutwasthattherewasonlyonelayerofthebig，red，fatapplesonthetop，andthegroceryman，notdesiringtospoilhissign，hadreacheddownunderthetoplayer。Hemusthavereachedtothebottom，forhegavemetheworstmessofruntsandwindfallsIeversawinonesack。ThethingsIsaidaboutthegrocerybusinessmusthavekepttherecordingangelbusy。
ThenIcalmeddown。Didthegrocerymandothatonpurpose？Doesthegrocerymaneverputthebigapplesontopandthelittleonesdownunderneath？
Doyou？Isthereagrocerymanintheaudience？
Manofsorrows，youhavebeenslandered。Itneveroccurredtomeuntilthatdayonthetrainthatthegrocerymandoesnotputthebigonesontopandthelittleonesdownunderneath。Hedoesnotneedtodoit。Itdoesitself。Itistheshakingofthebarrelthatpushesthebigonesupandthelittleonesdown。
ShaketoTheirPlacesYoulaugh？Youdon’tbelievethat？Maybeyourroadsaresogoodandsmooththatthingsdonotshakeontheroadtotown。ButbackintheBlackSwampofOhiowehadcorduroyroads。Didyoueverseeacorduroyroad？Itwasalayeroflogsinthemud。Ridingoveritwasthepoetryofmotion！Thewagon\"hitthehighspots。\"AndasI
hauledawagon-bedfullofapplestothecider-milloveracorduroyroad，theapplessortedoutbythejolting。Thebigappleswouldtrytogettothetop。Thelittle，runtyappleswouldtrytoholdamassmeetingatthebottom。
IsawthatforthirtyyearsbeforeIsawit。Didyouevernoticehowlongyouhavetoseemostthingsbeforeyouseethem？IsawthatwhenIplayedmarbles。Thebigmarbleswouldshaketothetopofmypocketandthelittleoneswouldrattledowntothebottom。
Youchildrentrythattomorrow。Donotwaitthirtyyearstolearnthatthebigonesshakeupandthelittleonesshakedown。Putsomebigonesandsomelittlethingsofaboutthesamedensityinaboxorothercontainerandshakethem。Youwillseethelargerthingsshakeupwardandthesmallershakedownward。Youwillseeeverythingshaketotheplaceitssizedetermines。Alittlelargeroneshakesalittlehigher，andalittlesmalleronealittlelower。
Whenthingsfindtheirplace，youcanshakeontilldoomsday，butyoucannotchangetheplaceofoneoftheobjects。
Mixthemupagainandshake。Watchthemallshakebackastheywerebefore，thelargestontopandthesmallestatthebottom。
LecturesinCansAtthisplacethelecturerexhibitsaglassjarmorethanhalf-filledwithsmallwhitebeansandafewwalnuts。
Letustrythatrightontheplatform。Hereisaglassjarandinsideofityouseetwosizesofobjects——alotoflittlewhitebeansandsomewalnuts。Youwillpardonmeforbringingsuchasimpleandcrudeapparatusbeforeyouinalecture，butIaskyourforbearance。Iamdiscoveringthatwecanhearfasterthrutheeyethanthrutheear。Iwanttomakethissovividthatyouwillneverforgetit，andIdonotwanttheseyoungpeopletolivethirtyyearsbeforetheyseeit。
Iftherearesermonsinstones，theremustbelecturesincans。
Thisisacannedlecture。Letthecantalktoyouawhile。
YounoteasIshakethejarthelittlebeansquicklysettledownandthebigwalnutsshakeup。Notonebeanasks，\"WhichwaydoI
go？\"Notonewalnutasks，\"WhichwaydoIgo？\"Eachoneautomaticallygoestherightway。Thelittleonesgodownandthebigonesgoup。
NotethatImixthemallupandthenshake。Notethattheyarrangethemselvesjustastheywerebefore。
Supposethoseobjectscouldtalk。IthinkIhearthatlittlestbeandowninthebottomsaying，\"Helpme！Helpme！Iamsounfortunateandlowdown。Ineverhadnochancelikethembigonesupthere。
Helpmeup。\"
Isay，\"Yes，youlittlebean，I’llhelpyou。\"SoIlifthimuptothetop。See！Ihaveboostedhim。Ihaveupliftedhim。
See，thecanshakes。Backtothebottomshakesthelittlebean。AndIhearhimsay，\"King’sex！Islipped。TrythatagainandI’llstayontop。\"SoIputhimbackagainontop。
Thecanshakes。Thelittlebeanagainshakesbacktothebottom。Heistoosmalltostayup。Hecannotstandprosperity。
ThenIhearLittleBeansay，\"Well，ifIcannotgettothetop，youmakethembigonescomedown。Giveeveryoneanequalchance。\"
SoIsay，\"Yes，sir，LittleBean。Here，youbigonesontop，getdown。YouBigNutsgetrightdownthereonalevelwithLittleBean！\"AndyouseeIputthemdown。
ButIshakethecan，andthebigonesgorightbacktothetopwiththesameshakesthatsendthelittleonesbacktothebottom。
Thereisonlyonewayforthoseobjectstochangetheirplaceinthecan。Liftingthemuporputtingthemdownwillnotdoit。Butchangetheirsize！
Equalityofpositiondemandsqualityofsize。Letthelittleonegrowbiggerandhewillshakeup。Letthebigonegrowsmallerandhewillshakedown。
TheShakingBarrelofLifeO，fellowapples！Weareallapplesinthebarreloflifeonthewaytothemarketplaceofthefuture。Itisacorduroyroadandthebarrelshakesallthetime。
Inthebarrelarebigapples，littleapples，freckledapples，speckledapples，greenapples，anddriedapples。Abadboyonthefrontrowshoutedtheothernight，\"Androttenapples！\"
Inotherwords，allthepeopleoftheworldareinthegreatbarreloflife。Thatbarrelisshakingallthetime。Everycommunityisshaking，everyplaceisshaking。Theoffices，theshops，thestores，theschools，thepulpits，thehomes——everyplacewhereweliveorworkisshaking。Lifeisaconstantsurvivalofthefittest。
Thesamelawthatshakesthelittleonesdownandthebigonesupinthatcanisshakingeverypersontotheplacehefitsinthebarreloflife。Itissendingsmallpeopledownandgreatpeopleup。
Anddoyounotseethatweareveryfoolishwhenwewanttobelifteduptosomebigplace，orwhenwewantsomebigpersontobeputdowntosomelittleplace？Wearefoolishlytryingtooverturntheeternallawoflife。
Weshakerightbacktotheplacesoursizedetermines。Wemustgetreadyforplacesbeforewecangetthemandkeepthem。
Theveryworstthingthatcanhappentoanybodyistobeartificiallyboostedupintosomeplacewhereherattles。
Ihearagooddealaboutdestiny。Somepeopleseemtothinkdestinyissomethinglikeatrainandifwedonotgettothedepotintimeourtrainofdestinywillrunoffandleaveus，andwewillhavenodestiny。Thereisdestiny——thatjar。
Ifwearesmallweshallhaveasmalldestiny。Ifwearegreatweshallhaveagreatdestiny。Wecannotdodgeourdestiny。
KingsandQueensofDestinyTheobjectsinthatjarcannotchangetheirsize。ButthankGod，youandIarenothelplessvictimsofblindfate。Wearenotcreaturesofchance。Wehaveitinourhandstodecideourdestinyaswegroworrefusetogrow。
Weshakedownifwebecomesmall;weshakeupifwebecomegreat。
Andwhenwehavereachedtheplaceoursizedetermines，westaytheresolongaswestaythatsize。
Ifwewishtochangeourplace，wemustfirstchangeoursize。Ifwewishtogodown，wemustgrowsmallerandweshallshakedown。
Ifwewishtogoup，wemustgrowgreater，andweshallshakeup。
Eachpersonisdoingoneofthreethingsconsciouslyorunconsciously。
1。Heisholdinghisplace。
2。Heisgoingdown。
3。Heisgoingup。
Inordertoholdhisplacehemustholdhissize。Hemustfilltheplace。Ifheshrinksuphewillrattle。Nobodycanstaylongwhereherattles。Natureabhorsarattler。Heshakesdowntoasmallerplace。
Inordertostaythesamesizehemustgrowenougheachdaytosupplythelossbyevaporation。Evaporationisgoingsteadilyoninlivesaswellasinliquids。Ifwearenotgrowingany，wearerattling。
WeCompelPromotionSoyouyoungpeopleshouldkeepinmindthatyouwillshakeintotheplacesyoufit。Andwhenyouareinyourplaces——instores，shops，officesorelsewhere，ifyouwanttoholdyourplaceyoumustkeepgrowingenoughtokeepittightlyfilled。
Ifyouwantagreaterplace，yousimplygrowgreaterandtheycannotkeepyoudown。Youdonotaskforpromotion，youcompelpromotion。Yougrowgreater，enlargeyourdimensions，developnewcapabilities，domorethanyouarepaidtodo——overfillyourplace，andyoushakeuptoagreaterplace。
IbelieveifIweresofortunateorunfortunateastohaveanumberofpeopleworkingforme，Iwouldhaveajarinmyofficefilledwithvarioussizesofobjects。Whenanemployeewouldcomeintotheofficeandsay，\"Isn’titabouttimeIwasgettingaraise？\"I
wouldsay，\"Goshakethejar，Charlie。Thatisthewayyougetraised。Asyougrowgreateryouwon’tneedtoasktobepromoted。
Youwillpromoteyourself。\"
\"GoodLuck\"and\"BadLuck\"
Thisjartellsmesomuchaboutluck。Ihavenotedthattheluckypeopleshakeupandtheunluckypeopleshakedown。Thatis，theluckypeoplegrowgreatandtheunluckypeopleshrivelandrattle。
NoticeasIbumpthisjar。Twothingshappened。Thelittleonesshookdownandthebigonesshookup。Thebumpthatwasbadlucktothelittleoneswasgoodlucktothebigones。Thesamebumpwasbothgoodluckandbadluck。
Luckdoesnotdependuponthedirectionofthebump，butuponthesizeofthebump-ee！
The\"Lucky\"OneSoeverywhereyoulookyouseethebarrelsortingpeopleaccordingtosize。EverybusinessconcerncantellyoustorieslikethatoftheChicagohousewhereanumberofyoungladiesworked。Someofthemhadbeenthereforalongtime。Therecamearaw，greenDutchgirlfromthecountry。Itwasherfirstofficeexperience，andshegotthebottomjob。
Theothergirlspokedfunatherandplayedjokesuponherbecauseshewassogreen。