\"Itshowsthatearnestnessandeffortcanveryeasilyovertakeandpassmeretrainingandtechnicalskill。TheobjectoftheOber-
Ammergau’super’is，nottogetoutsideandhaveadrink，buttohelpforwardthesuccessofthedrama。
\"Thegroupings，bothinthescenesoftheplayitselfandinthevarioustableauxthatprecedeeachact，aresuchasIdoubtifanyartistcouldimproveupon。ThetableaushowingthelifeofAdamandEveaftertheirexpulsionfromEdenmakesabeautifulpicture。
FatherAdam，stalwartandsunbrowned，cladinsheepskins，restsforamomentfromhisdelving，towipethesweatfromhisbrow。Eve，stilllookingfairandhappy——thoughIsupposesheoughtnotto，——
sitsspinningandwatchingthechildrenplayingat’helpingfather。’
Thechorusfromeachsideofthestageexplainedtousthatthisrepresentedasceneofwoe，theresultofsin;butitseemedtomethattheAdamfamilywereverycontented，andIfoundmyselfwondering，inmycommon，earthlyway，whether，withalittletroubletodrawthemclosertogether，andsomehonestworktokeepthemfromgettingintomischief，AdamandEvewerenotalmostbetteroffthantheywouldhavebeenmooningaboutParadisewithnothingtodobuttalk。
\"InthetableaurepresentingthereturnofthespiesfromCanaan，somefourorfivehundredmen，womenandchildrenaremosteffectivelymassed。Thefeatureoftheforegroundisthesamplebunchofgrapes，borneontheshouldersoftwomen，whichthespieshavebroughtbackwiththemfromthepromisedland。Thesightofthisbunchofgrapes，wearetold，astonishedthechildrenofIsrael。Icanquiteunderstanditsdoingso。Thepictureofitusedtoastonishme，too，whenIwasachild。
\"ThesceneofChrist’sentryintoJerusalemsurroundedbythewelcomingmultitude，isawonderfulreproductionoflifeandmovement，andsoalsoisthescene，towardstheend，showinghislastjourneyuptoCalvary。AllJerusalemseemstohaveturnedouttoseehimpassandtofollowhim，themanylaughing，thefewsad。
Thepeoplefillthenarrowstreetstooverflowing，andpressroundthespearsoftheRomanGuard。
\"Theythrongthestepsandbalconiesofeveryhouse，theystraintocatchasightofChristaboveeachother’sheads。Theyleapuponeachother’sbackstogainabettervantage-groundfromwhichtohurltheirjeersathim。Theyjostleirreverentlyagainsttheirpriests。Eachindividualman，woman，andchildonthestageacts，andactsinperfectharmonywithalltherest。
\"Ofthechiefmembersofthecast——Maier，thegentleandyetkinglyChrist;BurgomasterLang，thestern，revengefulHighPriest;hisdaughterRosa，thesweet-faced，sweet-voicedVirgin;Rendl，thedignified，statesman-likePilate;PeterRendl，thebelovedJohn，withthepurestandmostbeautifulfaceIhaveeverseenuponaman;
oldPeterHett，therugged，loving，weakfriend，Peter;Rutz，theleaderofthechorus（nosinecure，hispost）;andAmalieDeschler，theMagdalen——itwouldbedifficulttospeakintermsoftoohighpraise。Themselvesmerepeasants——Therearethosetwowomenagain，spyingroundourdoor;Iamsureofit！\"Iexclaim，breakingoff，andlisteningtothesoundsthatcomefromthenextroom。\"Iwishtheywouldgodownstairs;Iambeginningtogetquitenervous。\"
\"Oh，Idon’tthinkweneedworry，\"answersB。\"Theyarequiteoldladies，bothofthem。Imetthemonthestairsyesterday。Iamsuretheylookharmlessenough。\"
\"Well，Idon’tknow，\"Ireply。\"Weareallbyourselves，youknow。
Nearlyeveryoneinthevillageisatthetheatre，Iwishwehadgotadog。\"
B。reassuresme，however，andIcontinue：
\"Themselvesmerepeasants，\"Irepeat，\"theyrepresentsomeofthegreatestfiguresintheworld’shistorywithassimpleadignityandasgrandabearingascouldeverhavebeenexpectedfromtheoriginalsthemselves。Theremustbeanaturalinbornnobilityinthecharacterofthesehighlanders。Theycouldneverassumeoractthatmanneraugrandseigneurwithwhichtheyimbuetheirparts。
\"TheonlycharacterpoorlyplayedwasthatofJudas。ThepartofJudasisreallyTHEpartofthepiece，sofarasactingisconcerned;buttheexemplaryhouseholderwhoessayeditseemedtohavenoknowledgeorexperienceofthewaysandmethodsofbadmen。
Thereseemedtobenosideofhischaractersufficientlyinsympathywithwickednesstoenablehimtounderstandandportrayit。Hisamateurattemptsatscoundrelismquiteirritatedme。Itsoundsconceitedtosayso，butIamconvincedIcouldhavegivenamuchmoretruthfulpictureoftheblackguardmyself。
\"’Dear，dearme，’Ikeptonsayingundermybreath，’heisdoingitallwrong。Adownrightunmitigatedvillainwouldnevergoonlikethat;hewoulddosoandso，hewouldlooklikethis，andspeaklikethat，andactliketheother。Iknowhewould。Myinstincttellsmeso。’
\"Thisactorwasevidentlynotacquaintedwitheventherudimentsofknavery。Iwantedtogetupandinstructhiminthem。Ifeltthattherewerelittlesubtletiesofrascaldom，littletouchesofcriminality，thatIcouldhaveputthatmanupto，whichwouldhavetransformedhisJudasfromwoodennessintobreathinglife。Asitwas，withnooneinthevillageapparentlywhowasworthhissaltasafelontoteachhim，hisperformancewasunconvincing，andJudasbecameafiguretolaughratherthantoshudderat。
\"Withthatexception，thewholecompany，fromMaierdowntothedonkey，seemedtobefittedtotheirplaceslikenotesintoamaster’smelody。Itwouldappearasthough，onthebanksoftheAmmer，thehistrionicartistgrewwild。\"
\"Theyarerealactors，allofthem，\"murmursB。enthusiastically，\"thewholevillagefull;andtheyalllivehappilytogetherinonesmallvalley，andnevertrytokilleachother。Itismarvellous！\"
Atthispoint，wehearasharpknockatthedoorthatseparatesthebefore-mentionedladies’roomfromourown。Webothstartandturnpale，andthenlookateachother。B。isthefirsttorecoverhispresenceofmind。Eliminating，byastrongeffort，alltracesofnervousnessfromhisvoice，hecallsoutinatoneofwonderfulcoolness：
\"Yes，whatisit？\"
\"Areyouinbed？\"comesavoicefromtheothersideofthedoor。
\"Yes，\"answersB。\"Why？\"
\"Oh！Sorrytodisturbyou，butweshallbesogladwhenyougetup。
Wecan’tgodownstairswithoutcomingthroughyourroom。Thisistheonlydoor。Wehavebeenwaitingherefortwohours，andourtraingoesatthree。\"
GreatScott！Sothatiswhythepooroldsoulshavebeenhangingroundthedoor，terrifyingusoutofourlives。
\"Allright，we’llbeoutinfiveminutes。Sosorry。Whydidn’tyoucalloutbefore？\"
FRIDAY，30TH，ORSATURDAY，IAMNOTSUREWHICH
TroublesofaTouristAgent。——HisViewsonTourists。——TheEnglishWomanAbroad。——AndatHome。——TheUgliestCathedralinEurope。——OldMastersandNew。——Victual-and-Drink-Scapes。——TheGermanBand。——A
\"BeerGarden。\"——NottheWomentoTurnaMan’sHead。——DifficultyofDiningtoMusic。——WhyoneshouldKeepone’sMugShut。
IthinkmyselfitisSaturday。B。saysitisonlyFriday;butIampositiveIhavehadthreecoldbathssinceweleftOber-Ammergau，whichwedidonWednesdaymorning。IfitisonlyFriday，thenI
havehadtwomorningbathsinoneday。Anyhow，weshallknowto-
morrowbytheshopsbeingopenorshut。
WetravelledfromOberauwithatouristagent，andhetoldusallhistroubles。Itseemsthatatouristagentisanordinaryhumanman，andhasfeelingsjustlikewehave。Thishadneveroccurredtomebefore。Itoldhimso。
\"No，\"hereplied，\"itneverdoesoccurtoyoutourists。YoutreatusasifweweremereProvidence，oreventheGovernmentitself。Ifallgoeswell，yousay，whatisthegoodofus，contemptuously;andifthingsgowrong，yousay，whatisthegoodofus，indignantly。I
worksixteenhoursadaytofixthingscomfortablyforyou，andyoucannotevenlooksatisfied;whileifatrainislate，orahotelproprietorovercharges，youcomeandbullyMEaboutit。IfIseeafteryou，youmutterthatIamofficious;andifIleaveyoualone，yougrumblethatIamneglectful。YouswoopdowninyourhundredsuponatinyvillagelikeOber-Ammergauwithouteverlettingusknoweventhatyouarecoming，andthenthreatentowritetotheTimesbecausethereisnotasuiteofapartmentsandahotdinnerwaitingreadyforeachofyou。
\"Youwantthebestlodgingsintheplace，andthen，whenatatremendouscostoftrouble，theyhavebeenobtainedforyou，youobjecttopaythepriceaskedforthem。Youalltryandpalmyourselvesofffordukesandduchesses，travellingindisguise。Youhavenoneofyoueverheardofasecond-classrailwaycarriage——
didn’tknowthatsuchthingsweremade。Youwantafirst-classPullmancarreservedforeachtwoofyou。Someofyouhaveseenanomnibusinthedistance，andhavewonderedwhatitwasusedfor。Tosuggestthatyoushouldtravelinsuchaplebeianconveyance，istogiveyouashockthattakesyoutwodaystorecoverfrom。Youexpectaprivatecarriage，withafootmaninlivery，totakeyouthroughthemountains。You，allofyou，musthavethemostexpensiveplacesinthetheatre。Theeight-markandsix-markplacesareeverybitasgoodastheten-markseats，ofwhichthereareonlyaverylimitednumber;butyouaregrosslyinsultedifitishintedthatyoushouldsitinanythingbutthedearestchairs。Ifthevillagerswouldonlybesensibleandchargeyoutenmarksfortheeight-markplacesyouwouldbehappy;buttheywon’t。\"
ImustcandidlyconfessthattheEnglish-speakingpeopleonemeetswithontheContinentare，takenasawhole，amostdisagreeablecontingent。OnehardlyeverhearstheEnglishlanguagespokenontheContinent，withouthearinggrumblingandsneering。
Thewomenarethemostobjectionable。ForeignersundoubtedlyseetheverypoorestspecimensofthefemalekindweAnglo-Saxonshavetoshow。TheaveragefemaleEnglishorAmericantouristisrudeandself-assertive，while，atthesametime，ridiculouslyhelplessandawkward。Sheisintenselyselfish，andutterlyinconsiderateofothers;everlastinglycomplaining，and，inherself，drearilyuninteresting。WetravelleddownintheomnibusfromOber-Ammergauwiththreeperfectspecimensofthespecies，accompaniedbytheusualmiserable-lookingman，whohashadallthelifetalkedoutofhim。Theyweregrumblingthewholeofthewayathavingbeenputtorideinanomnibus。Itseemedthattheyhadneverbeensoinsultedintheirlivesbefore，andtheytookcaretoleteverybodyinthevehicleknowthattheyhadpaidforfirst-class，andthatathometheykepttheirowncarriage。Theywerealsoveryindignantbecausethepeopleatthehousewheretheyhadlodgedhadofferedtoshakehandswiththematparting。TheydidnotcometoOber-AmmergautobetreatedontermsoffamiliaritybyGermanpeasants，theysaid。
Therearemanywomenintheworldwhoareineverywaymuchbetterthanangels。Theyaregentleandgracious，andgenerousandkind，andunselfishandgood，inspiteoftemptationsandtrialstowhichmereangelsareneversubjected。Andtherearealsomanywomenintheworldwho，undertheclothes，andnotunfrequentlyunderthetitleofalady，weartheheartofanunderbredsnob。Havingnonaturaldignity，theythinktosupplyitsplacewitharrogance。
Theymistakenoisybounceforself-possession，andsuperciliousrudenessasthesignofsuperiority。Theyencouragethemselvesinsleepystupidityundertheimpressionthattheyareacquiringaristocratic\"repose。\"Theywouldappeartohavestudied\"attitude\"
fromthepagesoftheLondonJournal，coquetryfrombarmaids——thecommonerclassofbarmaids，Imean——witfromthree-actfarces，andmannersfromtheservants’-hall。Tobegushinglyfawningtothoseabovethem，andvulgarlyinsolenttoeveryonetheyconsiderbelowthem，istheirideaofthewaytoholdandimprovetheirposition，whateveritmaybe，insociety;andtobebrutallyindifferenttotherightsandfeelingsofeverybodyelseintheworldis，intheiropinion，thehall-markofgentlebirth。
Theyarethewomenyouseeatprivateviews，pushingthemselvesinfrontofeverybodyelse，standingbeforethepicturesothatnoonecangetnearit，andshoutingouttheirsillyopinions，whichtheyevidentlyimaginetobebrilliantlysatiricalremarks，instridenttones：thewomenwho，inthestallsofthetheatre，talkloudlyallthroughtheperformance;andwho，havingarrivedinthemiddleofthefirstact，andmadeasmuchdisturbanceastheyknowhow，beforesettlingdownintheirseats，ostentatiouslygetupandwalkoutbeforethepieceisfinished：thewomenwho，atdinner-partyand\"AtHome\"——thatcheapestandmostdeadlyuninterestingofalldeadlyuninterestingsocialfunctions——（Youknowthereceiptforafashionable\"AtHome，\"don’tyou？Takefivehundredpeople，two-
thirdsofwhomdonotknoweachother，andtheotherthirdofwhomcordiallydislikeeachother，packthem，onahotday，intoaroomcapableofaccommodatingforty，leavethemtheretoboreoneanothertodeathforacoupleofhourswithdrawing-roomphilosophyandsecond-handscandal;thengivethemacupofweaktea，andapieceofcrumblycake，withoutanyplatetoeatiton;or，ifitisaneveningaffair，aglassofchampagneoftheyou-don’t-forget-you’ve-
had-it-for-a-weekbrand，andaham-sandwich，andputthemoutintothestreetagain）——candonothingbutmakespitefulremarksabouteverybodywhosenameandaddresstheyhappentoknow：thewomenwho，inthepenny’bus（for，inherowncountry，theladyofthenewschooliswonderfullyeconomicalandbusiness-like），spreadsherselfoutovertheseat，and，lookingindignantwhenatiredlittlemillinergetsin，wouldleavethepoorgirlstandingwithherbundleforanhour，ratherthanmakeroomforher——thewomenwhowritetothepaperstocomplainthatchivalryisdead！
B。，whohasbeenlookingovermyshoulderwhileIhavebeenwritingtheforegoing，afterthemannerofaFamilyHeraldstory-teller’swifeinthelastchapter（fancyamanhavingtowritethestoryofhisearlylifeandadventureswithhiswifelookingoverhisshoulderallthetime！nowonderthetaleslackincident），saysthatIhavebeenlivingtoomuchonsauerkrautandwhitewine;butI
replythatifanythinghastendedtointerfereforaspacewiththedeep-seatedloveandadmirationthat，asarule，Ientertainforallmanandwoman-kind，itishischurchesandpicture-galleries。
WehaveseenenoughchurchesandpicturessinceourreturntoMunichtolastmeforaverylongwhile。Ishallnotgotochurch，whenI
gethomeagain，morethantwiceaSunday，formonthstocome。
TheinhabitantsofMunichboastthattheirCathedralistheugliestinEurope;and，judgingfromappearances，Iaminclinedtothinkthattheclaimmustbeadmitted。Anyhow，iftherebeanuglierone，IhopeIamfeelingwellandstrongwhenIfirstcatchsightofit。
Asforpicturesandsculptures，Iamthoroughlytiredofthem。ThegreatestartcriticlivingcouldnotdislikepicturesandsculpturesmorethanIdoatthismoment。Webeganbyspendingawholemorningineachgallery。Weexaminedeachpicturecritically，andarguedwitheachotheraboutits\"form\"and\"colour\"and\"treatment\"and\"perspective\"and\"texture\"and\"atmosphere。\"Igenerallysaiditwasflat，andB。thatitwasoutofdrawing。Astrangeroverhearingourdiscussionswouldhaveimaginedthatweknewsomethingaboutpainting。Wewouldstandinfrontofacanvasfortenminutes，drinkingitin。Wewouldwalkroundit，soastogettheproperlightuponitandtobetterrealisetheartist’saim。Wewouldbackawayfromitontothetoesofthepeoplebehind，untilwereachedthecorrect\"distance，\"andthensitdownandshadeoureyes，andcriticiseitfromthere;andthenwewouldgoupandputournosesagainstit，andexaminetheworkmanshipindetail。
ThisishowweusedtolookatpicturesintheearlystagesofourMunichartstudies。Nowweusepicturegalleriestopractisespurtsin。
IdidahundredyardsthismorningthroughtheoldPantechniconintwenty-twoandahalfseconds，which，forfairheel-and-toewalking，Iconsiderverycreditable。B。tookfive-eighthsofasecondlongerforthesamedistance;butthenhedawdledtolookataRaphael。
The\"Pantechnicon，\"Ishouldexplain，isthenamewehave，forourownpurposes，giventowhattheMunichersprefertocallthePinakothek。WecouldneverpronouncePinakothekproperly。Wecalledit\"Pynniosec，\"\"Pintactec，\"andthe\"HappyTack。\"B。onedayafterdinnercalleditthe\"PennyCock，\"andthenwebothgotfrightened，andagreedtofixupsomesensible，practicalnameforitbeforeanymischiefwasdone。Wefinallydecidedon\"Pantechnicon，\"whichbeginswitha\"P，\"andisadignified，old-
establishedname，andonethatwecanbothpronounce。Itisquiteaslong，andnearlyasdifficulttospell，beforeyouknowhow，astheother，addedtowhichithasahomelysound。Itseemedtobetheveryword。
TheoldPantechniconisdevotedtotheworksoftheoldmasters;I
shallnotsayanythingaboutthese，asIdonotwishtodisturbinanywaythecriticalopinionthatEuropehasalreadyformedconcerningthem。Ipreferthattheartschoolsoftheworldshouldjudgeforthemselvesinthematter。Iwillmerelyremarkhere，forpurposesofreference，thatIthoughtsomeofthepicturesverybeautiful，andthatothersIdidnotcarefor。
Whatstruckmeasmostcuriousabouttheexhibitionwasthenumberofcanvasesdealingwithfoodstuffs。Twenty-fivepercent。ofthepicturesintheplaceseemtohavebeenpaintedasadvertisementsforsomebody’shome-grownseeds，orascolouredsupplementstobegivenawaywiththesummernumberoftheleadinggardeningjournaloftheperiod。
\"Whatcouldhaveinducedtheseoldfellows，\"IsaidtoB。，\"tochoosesuchveryuninterestingsubjects？Whoonearthcarestolookatthelife-sizedportraitofacabbageandapeckofpeas，oratthesenodoubtmasterlyrepresentationsofacutfromthejointwithbreadandvegetables？Lookatthat’Viewinaham-and-beefshop，’
No。7063，sizesixtyfeetbyforty。Itmusthavetakentheartistacoupleofyearstopaint。Whodidheexpectwasgoingtobuyit？
AndthatChristmas-hampersceneoverinthecorner;wasitpainted，doyouthink，bysomepoor，half-starveddevil，whothoughthewouldhavesomethingtoeatinthehouse，ifitwereonlyapictureofit？\"
B。saidhethoughtthattheexplanationwasthattheancientpatronsofartweregentrywithaverystrongideaofthefitnessofthings。
For\"theirchurchesandcathedrals，\"saidB。，\"theyhadpaintedallthosevirginsandmartyrsandover-fedangelsthatyouseeeverywhereaboutEurope。Fortheirbedrooms，theyorderedthose——
well，thosebedroomsortofpictures，thatyoumayhavenoticedhereandthere;andthenIexpecttheyusedthesevictual-and-drink-
scapesfortheirbanquetinghalls。Itmusthavebeenlikeagin-
and-bitterstothem，thesightofallthatfood。\"
InthenewPantechniconisexhibitedthemodernartofGermany。
Thisappearedtometobeexceedinglypoorstuff。ItseemedtobelongtotheillustratedChristmasnumberschoolofart。Itwasgood，sound，respectableworkenough。Therewasplentyofcolouraboutit，andyoucouldtellwhateverythingwasmeantfor。Butthereseemednoimagination，noindividuality，nothought，anywhere。
Eachpicturelookedasthoughitcouldhavebeenproducedbyanyonewhohadstudiedandpractisedartfortherequisitenumberofyears，andwhowasnotabornfool。Atallevents，thisismyopinion;
and，asIknownothingwhateveraboutart，Ispeakwithoutprejudice。
OnethingIhaveenjoyedatMunichverymuch，andthathasbeenthemusic。TheGermanbandthatyouhearinthesquareinLondonwhileyouaretryingtocomposeanessayonthecivilisinginfluenceofmusic，isnotthesortofbandthatyouhearinGermany。TheGermanbandsthatcometoLondonarebandsthathavefledfromGermany，inordertosavetheirlives。InGermany，thesebandswouldbeslaughteredatthepublicexpenseandtheirbodiesgiventothepoorforsausages。ThebandsthattheGermanskeepforthemselvesaremagnificentbands。
MunichofallplacesinthenowunitedFatherland，has，Isuppose，thegreatestreputationforitsmilitarybands，andthecitizensareallowed，notonlytopayforthem，buttohearthem。Twoorthreetimesadayindifferentpartsofthecityoneoranotherofthemwillbeplayingprobonopublico，and，intheevening，theyareloanedoutbytheauthoritiestotheproprietorsofthebigbeer-
gardens。
\"Go\"anddasharethechiefcharacteristicsoftheirmethod;but，whenneeded，theycanproducefromthebattered，time-worntrumpets，whichhavebeenhandeddownfromplayertoplayersincetheregimentwasfirstformed，notesassoftandfullandclearasanythatcouldstartfromthestringsofsomeoldviolin。
TheGermanbandinGermanyhastoknowitsbusinesstobelistenedtobyaGermanaudience。TheBavarianartisanorshopkeeperunderstandsandappreciatesgoodmusic，asheunderstandsandappreciatesgoodbeer。Youcannotimposeuponhimwithaninferiorarticle。Amusic-hallaudienceinMunichareveryparticularastohowtheirbelovedWagnerisrendered，andthetriflesfromMozartandHaydnthattheylovetotakeinwiththeirsausagesandsalad，andwhich，whenperformedtotheirsatisfaction，theywillthunderouslyapplaud，mustnotbetakenlibertieswith，ortheywillknowthereasonwhy。
TheGermanbeer-gardenshouldbevisitedbyeveryonewhowouldseetheGermanpeopleaswellastheirchurchesandcastles。Itisherethattheworkersofallkindscongregateintheevening。Here，afterthelaboursoftheday，comethetradesmanwithhiswifeandfamily，theyoungclerkwithhisbetrothedand——alsohermother，alackandwell-a-day！——thesoldierwithhissweetheart，thestudentsintwosandthrees，thelittlegrisettewithhercousin，theshop-
boyandtheworkman。
Herecomegrey-hairedDarbyandJoan，and，overthemugofbeertheysharebetweenthem，theysitthinkingofthechildren——oflittleLisa，marriedtocleverKarl，whoispushinghiswayinthefar-offlandthatliesacrossthegreatsea;oflaughingElsie，settledinHamburg，whohasgrandchildrenofherownnow;offair-hairedFranz，hismother’spet，whofellinsunnyFrance，fightingforthefatherland。Atthenexttablesitsablushing，happylittlemaid，fullofhaughtyairsandgraces，suchasmaybeexcusedtoalittlemaidwhohasjustsavedanodoubtpromising，butatpresentsomewhatawkward-looking，youthfromlifelongmisery，ifnotmadnessandsuicide（dependuponit，thatisthealternativeheputbeforeher），byatlastcondescendingtogivehimtheplumplittlehand，thathe，thinkingnobodyseeshim，holdssotightlybeneaththetable-cloth。Opposite，afamilygroupsitdiscussingomelettesandabottleofwhitewine。Thefathercontented，good-humoured，andlaughing;thesmallchildgraveandsolemn，eatinganddrinkinginbusiness-likefashion;themothersmilingatboth，yetnotforgettingtoeat。
IthinkonewouldlearntolovetheseGermanwomenifonelivedamongthemforlong。Thereissomethingsosweet，sowomanly，sogenuineaboutthem。Theyseemtoshedaroundthem，fromtheirbright，good-temperedfaces，ahealthyatmosphereofallthatishomely，andsimple，andgood。Lookingintotheirquiet，steadfasteyes，onedreamsofwhitehouseholdlinen，foldedingreatpresses;
ofsweet-smellingherbs;ofsavoury，appetisingthingsbeingcookedforsupper;ofbright-polishedfurniture;ofthepatteroftinyfeet;oflittlehigh-pitchedvoices，askingsillyquestions;ofquiettalksinthelamp-litparlourafterthechildrenareinbed，uponimportantquestionsofhousemanagementandhomepolitics，whilelongstockingsarebeingdarned。
Theyarenotthesortofwomentoturnaman’shead，buttheyarethesortofwomentolayholdofaman’sheart——verygentlyatfirst，sothathehardlyknowsthattheyhavetouchedit，andthen，withsoft，clingingtendrilsthatwrapthemselvestighterandtighteryearbyyeararoundit，anddrawhimcloserandcloser——
till，as，onebyone，thefalsevisionsandhotpassionsofhisyouthfadeaway，theplainhomelyfigurefillsmoreandmorehisdays——tillitgrowstomeanforhimallthebetter，morelasting，truepartoflife——tillhefeelsthatthestrong，gentlemother-
naturethathasstoodsolongbesidehimhasbeenweldedfirmlyintohisown，andthattheytwainarenowatlastonefinishedwhole。
Wehadourdinneratabeer-gardenthedaybeforeyesterday。Wethoughtitwouldbepleasanttoeatanddrinktotheaccompanimentofmusic，butwefoundthatinpracticethiswasnotso。Todinesuccessfullytomusicneedsaverystrongdigestion——especiallyinBavaria。
ThebandthatperformsataMunichbeer-gardenisnotthesortofbandthatcanbeignored。ThemembersofaMunichmilitarybandarebig，broad-chestedfellows，andtheyarenotafraidofwork。Theydonottalkmuch，andtheyneverwhistle。Theykeepalltheirbreathtodotheirdutywith。Theydonotblowtheirveryhardest，forfearofburstingtheirinstruments;butwhateverpressuretothesquareinchthetrumpet，cornet，ortrombone，asthecasemaybe，iscalculatedtobecapableofsustainingwithoutpermanentinjury（andtheyaretolerablysoundandwell-seasonedutensils），thatpressuretheconscientiousGermanbandsmanputsuponeachsquareinchofthetrumpet，cornet，ortrombone，asthecasemaybe。
IfyouarewithinamileofaMunichmilitaryband，andarenotstonedeaf，youlistentoit，anddonotthinkofmuchelse。Itcompelsyourattentionbyitsmerenoise;itdominatesyourwholebeingbyitssheerstrength。YourmindhastofollowitasthefeetofthelittlechildrenfollowedtheplayingofthePiedPiper。
Whateveryoudo，youhavetodoinunisonwiththeband。Allthroughourmealwehadtokeeptimewiththemusic。
Weateoursouptoslowwaltztime，withtheresultthateveryspoonfulwascoldbeforewegotituptoourmouth。Justasthefishcame，thebandstartedaquickpolka，andtheconsequenceofthatwasthatwehadnottimetopickoutthebones。Wegulpeddownwhitewinetothe\"Blacksmith’sGalop，\"andifthetunehadlastedmuchlongerweshouldbothhavebeenblinddrunk。Withtheadventofoursteaks，thebandstruckupaselectionfromWagner。
IknowofnomodernEuropeancomposersodifficulttoeatbeefsteaktoasWagner。Thatwedidnotchokeourselvesisamiracle。
Wagner’sorchestrationismosttryingtofollow。Wehadtogiveupallideaofmustard。B。triedtoeatabitofbreadwithhissteak，andgotmosthopelesslyoutoftune。IamafraidIwasalittleflatmyselfduringthe\"Valkyries’Ride。\"Mysteakwasratherunderdone，andIcouldnotworkitquicklyenough。
AftergettingoutsidehardbeefsteaktoWagner，puttingawaypotatosaladtothegardenmusicoutofFaustwascomparativelysimple。
Onceortwiceasliceofpotatostuckinourthroatduringaveryhighnote，but，onthewhole，ourrenderingwasfairlyartistic。
WerattledoffasweetomelettetoasymphonyinG——orF，orelseK;
Iwon’tbepositiveastothepreciseletter;butitwassomethinginthealphabet，Iknow——andboltedourcheesetotheballetmusicfromCarmen。AfterwhichwerolledaboutinagoniestoallthenationalairsofEurope。
IfeveryouvisitaGermanbeer-hallorgarden——tostudycharacteroranythingofthatkind——becareful，whenyouhavefinisheddrinkingyourbeer，toshutthecoverofthemugdowntight。Ifyouleaveitwiththecoverstandingopen，thatistakenasasignthatyouwantmorebeer，andthegirlsnatchesitawayandbringsitbackrefilled。
B。andIverynearlyhadanaccidentonewarmnight，owingtoourignoranceofthiscustom。Eachtimeafterwehadswallowedthequart，weleftthepot，standingbeforeuswiththecoverup，andeachtimeitwas，inconsequence，takenaway，andbroughtbacktous，brimmingfullagain。Afteraboutthesixthtime，wegentlyremonstrated。
\"Thisisverykindofyou，mygoodgirl，\"B。said，\"butreallyI
don’tthinkweCAN。Idon’tthinkweoughtto。Youmustnotgoondoingthissortofthing。Wewilldrinkthisonenowthatyouhavebroughtit，butwereallymustinsistonitsbeingthelast。\"
Afteraboutthetenthtimeweexpostulatedstillmorestrongly。
\"Now，youknowwhatItoldyoufourquartsago！\"remarkedB。，severely。\"Thiscan’tgoonforever。Somethingseriouswillbehappening。WearenotusedtoyourGermanschoolofdrinking。Weareonlyforeigners。Inourowncountryweareconsideredratherswaggeratthiselbow-raisingbusiness，andforthecreditofoldEnglandwehavedoneourbest。Butnowtheremustbeanendtoit。
Isimplydeclinetodrinkanymore。No，donotpressme。Notevenanothergallon！\"
\"Butyoubothsittherewithbothyourmugsopen，\"repliesthegirlinaninjuredtone。
\"Whatdoyoumean，’wesitwithourmugsopen’？\"asksB。\"Can’twehaveourmugsopenifwelike？\"
\"Ah，yes，\"sheexplainspathetically;\"butthenIthinkyouwantmorebeer。Gentlemenalwaysopentheirmugswhentheywantthemfilledwithbeer。\"
Wekeptourmugsshutafterthat。
MONDAY，JUNE9TH
ALongChapter，buthappilytheLast。——ThePilgrims’Return。——A
DesertedTown。——Heidelberg。——TheCommon，orBed，Sheet，ConsideredasaTowel。——B。GrappleswithaContinentalTimeTable。——AnUntractableTrain。——AQuickRun。——TrainsthatStartfromNowhere。——
TrainsthatArriveatNowhere。——TrainsthatDon’tDoAnything。——B。
GoesMad。——RailwayTravellinginGermany。——B。isTakenPrisoner。——
HisFortitude。——AdvantagesofIgnorance。——FirstImpressionsofGermanyandoftheGermans。
WeareatOstend。Ourpilgrimagehasended。WesailforDoverinthreehours’time。Thewindseemsratherfresh，buttheysaythatitwilldroptowardstheevening。Ihopetheyarenotdeceivingus。
WearedisappointedwithOstend。WethoughtthatOstendwouldbegayandcrowded。Wethoughtthattherewouldbebandsandtheatresandconcerts，andbusytable-d’hotes，andlivelysands，andthrongedparades，andprettygirlsatOstend。
IboughtastickandanewpairofbootsatBrusselsonpurposeforOstend。
Theredoesnotseemtobealivingvisitorintheplacebesidesourselves——noradeadoneeither，thatwecanfind。Theshopsareshutup，thehousesaredeserted，thecasinoisclosed。Notice-
boardsareexhibitedoutsidethehotelstotheeffectthatthepolicehavestrictorderstotakeintocustodyanybodyfoundtrespassinguponordamagingthepremises。
Wefoundonerestaurantwhichlookedalittlelesslikeamorguethandidtheotherrestaurantsinthetown，andrangthebell。
Afterwehadwaitedforaboutaquarterofanhour，anoldwomanansweredthedoor，andaskeduswhatwewanted。Wesaidasteakandchippedpotatoesfortwo，andacoupleoflagers。Shesaidwouldwecallagaininaboutafortnight’stime，whenthefamilywouldbeathome？Shedidnotherselfknowwherethethingswerekept。
Wewentdownontothesandsthismorning。Wehadnotbeenwalkingupanddownformorethanhalfanhourbeforewecameacrossthedistinctimprintofahumanfoot。Someonemusthavebeentherethisveryday！Wewereagooddealalarmed。Wecouldnotimaginehowhecamethere。Theweatheristoofineforshipwrecks，anditwasnotapartofthecoastwhereanypassingtraderwouldbelikelytoland。Besides，ifanyonehaslanded，whereishe？Wehavebeenabletofindnotraceofhimwhatever。Tothishour，wehaveneverdiscoveredwhoourstrangevisitantwas。
Itisaverymysteriousaffair，andIamgladwearegoingaway。
WehavebeentravellingaboutagooddealsinceweleftMunich。WewentfirsttoHeidelberg。WearrivedearlyinthemorningatHeidelberg，afteranall-nightjourney，andthefirstthingthattheproprietoroftheRoyalsuggested，onseeingus，wasthatweshouldhaveabath。Weconsentedtotheoperation，andwereeachshownintoalittlemarblebath-room，inwhichIfeltlikeabitoutofapicturebyAlmaTadema。
Thebathwasveryrefreshing;butIshouldhaveenjoyedthewholethingmuchbetteriftheyhadprovidedmewithsomethingmoresuitabletowipeuponthanathinlinensheet。TheGermansholdverycuriousnotionsastotheneedsandrequirementsofawetman。
Iwishtheywouldoccasionallywashandbaththemselves，andthentheywould，perhaps，obtainmorepracticalideasuponthesubject。
Ihavewipeduponasheetincasesofemergency，andsoIhaveuponapairofsocks;butthereisnodoubtthattheproperthingisatowel。Todryoneselfuponasheetneedsspecialtrainingandunusualagility。ANautchGirloraDancingDervishwould，nodoubt，getthroughtheperformancewithcredit。Theywouldtwirlthesheetgracefullyroundtheirhead，drawitlightlyacrosstheirback，twistitinwavingfoldsroundtheirlegs，wrapthemselvesforamomentinitswhirlingmaze，andthenlightlyskipawayfromit，dryandsmiling。
Butthatisnotthemannerinwhichthedripping，untaughtBritonattemptstowipehimselfuponasheet。Themethodheadoptsis，toclutchthesheetwithbothhands，leanupagainstthewall，andrubhimselfwithit。Intryingtogetthethingroundtothebackofhim，hedropshalfofitintothewater，andfromthatmomentthebathroomisnotbigenoughtoenablehimtogetawayforaninstantfromthatwethalf。Whenheiswipingthefrontofhimselfwiththedryhalf，thewethalfclimbsroundbehind，and，inaspiritofoffensivefamiliarity，slapshimontheback。Whileheisstoopingdownrubbinghisfeet，itthrowsitselfwithdeliriousjoyaroundhishead，andheisblackinthefacebeforehecanstruggleawayfromitsembrace。Whenheisleastexpectinganythingofthekind，itfliesroundandgiveshimaplayfulflickuponsomeparticularlytenderpartofhisbodythatsendshimspringingwithayelltenfeetupintotheair。Thegreatdelightofthesheet，asawhole，istotriphimupwheneverheattemptstomove，soastohearwhathesayswhenhesitsdownsuddenlyonthestonefloor;andifitcanthrowhimintothebathagainjustashehasfinishedwipinghimself，itfeelsthatlifeisworthlivingafterall。
WespenttwodaysatHeidelberg，climbingthewoodedmountainsthatsurroundthatpleasantlittletown，andthatafford，fromtheirrestaurantorruin-crownedsummits，enchanting，far-stretchingviews，throughwhich，withmanyaturnandtwist，thedistantRhineandnearerNeckarwind;orstrollingamongthecrumblingwallsandarchesofthegrand，history-loggedwreckthatwasoncethenoblestcastleinallGermany。
Westoodinawedadmirationbeforethe\"GreatTun，\"whichisthechiefobjectofinterestinHeidelberg。Whatthereisofinterestinthesightofabigbeer-barrelitisdifficult，inone’scalmermoments，tounderstand;buttheguidebooksaysthatitisathingtobeseen，andsoallwetouristsgoandstandinarowandgapeatit。Weareasheep-headedlot。If，byaprinter’serror，nomentionweremadeintheguidebookoftheColosseum，weshouldspendamonthinRome，andnotthinkitworthgoingacrosstheroadtolookat。Iftheguidebooksayswemustbynomeansomittopayavisittosomefamouspincushionthatcontainselevenmillionpins，wetravelfivehundredmilesonpurposetoseeit！
FromHeidelbergwewenttoDarmstadt。Wespenthalf-an-houratDarmstadt。Whyweeverthoughtofstoppinglongerthere，Idonotknow。Itisapleasantenoughtowntolivein，Ishouldsay;bututterlyuninterestingtothestranger。Afteronewalkroundit，wemadeinquiriesastothenexttrainoutofit，andbeinginformedthatonewasthenonthepointofstarting，wetumbledintoitandwenttoBonn。
FromBonn（whencewemadeoneortwoRhineexcursions，andwhereweascendedtwenty-eight\"blessedsteps\"onourknees——thechapelpeoplecalledthem\"blessedsteps;\"WEdidn’t，afterthefirstfourteen）wereturnedtoCologne。FromColognewewenttoBrussels;
fromBrusselstoGhent（wherewesawmorefamouspictures，andheardthemighty\"Roland\"ring\"o’erlagoonandlakeofsand\"）。FromGhentwewenttoBruges（whereIhadthesatisfactionofthrowingastoneatthestatueofSimonStevin，whoaddedtothemiseriesofmyschool-days，byinventingdecimals），andfromBrugeswecameonhere。
Findingoutandarrangingourtrainshasbeenafearfulwork。I
haveleftthewholebusinesswithB。，andhehaslosttwostoneoverit。IusedtothinkatonetimethatmyowndearnativeBradshawwasasufficientlyhardnutforthehumanintellecttocrack;or，totransposethesimile，thatBradshawwassufficienttocrackanordinaryhumannut。ButdearoldBradshawisanaxiominEuclidforstone-wallobviousness，comparedwithathroughContinentaltime-
table。EverymorningB。hassatdownwiththebookbeforehim，and，graspinghisheadbetweenhishands，hastriedtounderstanditwithoutgoingmad。
\"Hereweare，\"hehassaid。\"Thisisthetrainthatwilldoforus。
LeavesMunichat1。45;getstoHeidelbergat4——justintimeforacupoftea。\"
\"GetstoHeidelbergat4？\"Iexclaim。\"Doesthewholedistanceintwoandaquarterhours？Why，wewereallnightcomingdown！\"
\"Well，thereyouare，\"hesays，pointingtothetime-table。
\"Munich，depart1。45;Heidelberg，arrive4。\"
\"Yes，\"Isay，lookingoverhisshoulder;\"butdon’tyouseethe4isinthicktype？Thatmeans4inthemorning。\"
\"Oh，ah，yes，\"hereplies。\"Inevernoticedthat。Yes，ofcourse。
No！itcan’tbethateither。Why，thatwouldmakethejourneyfourteenhours。Itcan’ttakefourteenhours。No，ofcoursenot。
That’snotmeantforthicktype，that4。That’sthintypegotalittlethick，that’sall。\"
\"Well，itcan’tbe4thisafternoon，\"Iargue。\"Itmustbe4to-
morrowafternoon！That’sjustwhataGermanexpresstrainwouldliketodo——takeawholedayoverasixhours’job！\"
Hepuzzlesforawhile，andthenbreaksoutwith：
\"Oh！Iseeitnow。Howstupidofme！ThattrainthatgetstoHeidelbergat4comesfromBerlin。\"
Heseemedquitedelightedwiththisdiscovery。
\"What’sthegoodofittous，then？\"Iask。
Thatdepresseshim。
\"No，itisnotmuchgood，I’mafraid，\"heagrees。\"ItseemstogostraightfromBerlintoHeidelbergwithoutstoppingatMunichatall。Wellthen，wheredoesthe1。45goto？Itmustgosomewhere。\"
Fiveminutesmoreelapse，andthenheexclaims：
\"Dratthis1。45！Itdoesn’tseemtogoanywhere。Munichdepart1。45，andthat’sall。Itmustgosomewhere！\"
Apparently，however，itdoesnot。ItseemstobeatrainthatstartsoutfromMunichat1。45，andgoesoffontheloose。
Possibly，itisayoung，romantictrain，fondofmystery。Itwon’tsaywhereit’sgoingto。Itprobablydoesnotevenknowitself。Itgoesoffinsearchofadventure。
\"Ishallstartoff，\"itsaystoitself，\"at1。45punctually，andjustgoonanyhow，withoutthinkingaboutit，andseewhereIgetto。\"
Ormaybeitisaconceited，headstrongyoungtrain。Itwillnotbeguidedoradvised。ThetrafficsuperintendentwantsittogotoSt。
PetersburgortoParis。Theoldgrey-headedstation-masterargueswithit，andtriestopersuadeittogotoConstantinople，oreventoJerusalemifitlikesthatbetter——urgesitto，atallevents，makeupitsmindwhereitISgoing——warnsitofthedangertoyoungtrainsofhavingnofixedaimorobjectinlife。Otherpeople，askedtousetheirinfluencewithit，havetalkedtoitlikeafather，andhavebeggedit，fortheirsakes，togotoKamskatka，orTimbuctoo，orJericho，accordingastheyhavethoughtbestforit;
andthen，findingthatittakesnonoticeofthem，havegotwildwithit，andhavetoldittogotostillmoredistantplaces。
Buttoallcounselandentreatyithasturnedadeafear。
\"Youleavemealone，\"ithasreplied;\"IknowwhereI’mgoingto。
Don’tyouworryyourselfaboutme。Youmindyourownbusiness，allofyou。Idon’twantalotofoldfoolstellingmewhattodo。I
knowwhatI’mabout。\"
Whatcanbeexpectedfromsuchatrain？Thechancesarethatitcomestoabadend。Iexpectitisrecognisedafterwards，abroken-
down，unloved，friendless，oldtrain，wanderingaimlessanddespisedinsomefar-offcountry，musingwithbitterregretuponthedaywhen，fulloffoolishprideandambition，itstartedfromMunich，withitsboilernicelyoiled，at1。45。
B。abandonsthis1。45ashopelessandincorrigible，andcontinueshissearch。
\"Hulloa！what’sthis？\"heexclaims。\"Howwillthisdous？LeavesMunichat4，getstoHeidelberg4。15。That’squickwork。Somethingwrongthere。Thatwon’tdo。Youcan’tgetfromMunichtoHeidelberginaquarterofanhour。Oh！Iseeit。That4o’clockgoestoBrussels，andthenontoHeidelbergafterwards。Getsinthereat4。15to-morrow，Isuppose。IwonderwhyitgoesroundbyBrussels，though？ThenitseemstostopatPragueforeversolong。
Oh，damnthistimetable！\"
Thenhefindsanothertrainthatstartsat2。15，andseemstobeanidealtrain。Hegetsquiteenthusiasticoverthistrain。
\"Thisisthetrainforus，oldman，\"hesays。\"Thisisasplendidtrain，really。Itdoesn’tstopanywhere。\"
\"DoesitGETanywhere？\"Iask。
\"Ofcourseitgetssomewhere，\"herepliesindignantly。\"It’sanexpress！Munich，\"hemurmurs，tracingitscoursethroughthetimetable，\"depart2。15。Firstandsecondclassonly。Nuremberg？
No;itdoesn’tstopatNuremberg。Wurtzburg？No。FrankfortforStrasburg？No。Cologne，Antwerp，Calais？Well，wheredoesitstop？Confoundit！itmuststopsomewhere。Berlin，Paris，Brussels，Copenhagen？No。Uponmysoul，thisisanothertrainthatdoesnotgoanywhere！ItstartsfromMunichat2。15，andthat’sall。Itdoesn’tdoanythingelse。\"
ItseemstobeahabitofMunichtrainstostartoffinthispurposelessway。Apparently，theirsoleobjectistogetawayfromthetown。Theydon’tcarewheretheygoto;theydon’tcarewhatbecomesofthem，solongastheyescapefromMunich。
\"Forheaven’ssake，\"theysaytothemselves，\"letusgetawayfromthisplace。Don’tletusbotheraboutwhereweshallgo;wecandecidethatwhenweareoncefairlyoutside。Let’sgetoutofMunich;that’sthegreatthing。\"
B。beginstogrowquitefrightened。Hesays：
\"Weshallneverbeabletoleavethiscity。TherearenotrainsoutofMunichatall。It’saplottokeepushere，that’swhatitis。
Weshallneverbeabletogetaway。WeshallneverseedearoldEnglandagain！\"
ItrytocheerhimupbysuggestingthatperhapsitisthecustominBavariatoleavethedestinationofthetraintothetasteandfancyofthepassengers。Therailwayauthoritiesprovideatrain，andstartitoffat2。15。Itisimmaterialtothemwhereitgoesto。
Thatisaquestionforthepassengerstodecideamongthemselves。
Thepassengershirethetrainandtakeitaway，andthereisanendofthematter，sofarastherailwaypeopleareconcerned。Ifthereisanydifferenceofopinionbetweenthepassengers，owingtosomeofthemwishingtogotoSpain，whileotherswanttogethometoRussia，they，nodoubt，settlethematterbytossingup。
B。，however，refusestoentertainthistheory，andsayshewishesI
wouldnottalksomuchwhenIseehowharassedheis。That’sallthethanksIgetfortryingtohelphim。
Heworriesalongforanotherfiveminutes，andthenhediscoversatrainthatgetstoHeidelbergallright，andappearstobeinmostrespectsamodeltrain，theonlythingthatcanbeurgedagainstitbeingthatitdoesnotstartfromanywhere。
ItseemstodropintoHeidelbergcasuallyandthentostopthere。
OneexpectsitssuddenadventalarmsthepeopleatHeidelbergstation。Theydonotknowwhattomakeofit。Theportergoesuptothestation-master，andsays：
\"Begpardon，sir，butthere’sastrangetraininthestation。\"
\"Oh！\"answersthestation-master，surprised，\"wherediditcomefrom？\"
\"Don’tknow，\"repliestheman;\"itdoesn’tseemtoknowitself。\"
\"Dearme，\"saysthestation-master，\"howveryextraordinary！Whatdoesitwant？\"
\"Doesn’tseemtowantanythingparticular，\"repliestheother。
\"It’sacurioussortoftrain。Seemstobeabitdotty，ifyouaskme。\"
\"Um，\"musesthestation-master，\"it’sarumgo。Well，Isupposewemustletitstophereabitnow。Wecanhardlyturnitoutanightlikethis。Oh，letitmakeitselfcomfortableinthewood-shedtillthemorning，andthenwewillseeifwecanfinditsfriends。\"
AtlastB。makesthediscoverythattogettoHeidelbergwemustgotoDarmstadtandtakeanothertrainfromthere。Thisknowledgegiveshimrenewedhopeandstrength，andhesetstoworkafresh——
thistime，tofindtrainsfromMunichtoDarmstadt，andfromDarmstadttoHeidelberg。
\"Hereweare，\"hecries，afterafewminutes’hunting。\"I’vegotit！\"（Heisofabuoyantdisposition。）\"Thiswillbeit。LeavesMunich10，getstoDarmstadt5。25。LeavesDarmstadtforHeidelberg5。20，getsto——\"
\"Thatdoesn’tallowusmuchtimeforchanging，doesit？\"Iremark。
\"No，\"hereplies，growingthoughtfulagain。\"No，that’sawkward。
Ifitwereonlytheotherwayround，itwouldbeallright，oritwoulddoifourtraingottherefiveminutesbeforeitstime，andtheotheronewasalittlelateinstarting。\"
\"Hardlysafetoreckononthat，\"Isuggest;andheagreeswithme，andproceedstolookforsomemorefitabletrains。
Itwouldappear，however，thatallthetrainsfromDarmstadttoHeidelbergstartjustafewminutesbeforethetrainsfromMunicharrive。Itlooksquitepointed，asthoughtheytriedtoavoidus。
B。’sintellectgenerallygiveswayaboutthispoint，andhebecomessimplydrivelling。HediscoverstrainsthatrunfromMunichtoHeidelberginfourteenminutes，bywayofVeniceandGeneva，withhalf-an-hour’sintervalforbreakfastatRome。Herushesupanddownthebookinpursuitofdemonexpressesthatarriveattheirdestinationsforty-sevenminutesbeforetheystart，andleaveagainbeforetheygetthere。Hefindsout，allbyhimself，thattheonlywaytogetfromSouthGermanytoParisistogotoCalais，andthentaketheboattoMoscow。Beforehehasdonewiththetimetable，hedoesn’tknowwhetherheisinEurope，Asia，Africa，orAmerica，norwherehewantstogetto，norwhyhewantstogothere。
ThenIquietly，butfirmly，takethebookawayfromhim，anddresshimforgoingout;andwetakeourbagsandwalktothestation，andtellaporterthat，\"Please，wewanttogotoHeidelberg。\"Andtheportertakesusonebyeachhand，andleadsustoaseatandtellsustositthereandbegood，andthat，whenitistime，hewillcomeandfetchusandputusinthetrain;andthishedoes。
Thatismymethodoffindingouthowtogetfromoneplacetoanother。Itisnotasdignified，perhaps，asB。’s，butitissimplerandmoreefficacious。
ItisslowworktravellinginGermany。TheGermantraindoesnothurryorexciteitselfoveritswork，andwhenitstopsitlikestotakearest。WhenaGermantraindrawsupatastation，everybodygetsoutandhasawalk。Theengine-driverandthestokercrossoverandknockatthestation-master’sdoor。Thestation-mastercomesoutandgreetsthemeffusively，andthenrunsbackintothehousetotellhiswifethattheyhavecome，andshebustlesoutandalsowelcomesthemeffusively，andthefourstandchattingaboutoldtimesandfriendsandthestateofthecrops。Afterawhile，theengine-driver，duringapauseintheconversation，looksathiswatch，andsaysheisafraidhemustbegoing，butthestation-
master’swifewon’thearofit。
\"Oh，youmuststopandseethechildren，\"shesays。\"Theywillbehomefromschoolsoon，andthey’llbesodisappointediftheyhearyouhavebeenhereandgoneawayagain。Lizziewillneverforgiveyou。\"
Theengine-driverandthestokerlaugh，andsaythatunderthosecircumstancestheysupposetheymuststop;andtheydoso。
Meanwhilethebooking-clerkhasintroducedtheguardtohissister，andsuchaverypromisingflirtationhasbeentakingplacebehindtheticket-officedoorthatitwouldnotbesurprisingifwedding-
bellswereheardintheneighbourhoodbeforelong。
Thesecondguardhasgonedownintothetowntotryandselladog，andthepassengersstrollabouttheplatformandsmoke，orpartakeofalightmealintherefreshment-room——thepoorerclassesregalingthemselvesuponhotsausage，andthemoredaintyuponsoup。Wheneverybodyappearstobesufficientlyrested，amoveonwardissuggestedbytheengine-driverortheguard，andifallareagreeabletotheproposalthetrainstarts。
TremendousexcitementwascausedduringourjourneybetweenHeidelbergandDarmstadtbythediscoverythatweweretravellinginanexpresstrain（theycalleditan\"express：\"itjoggedalongattherateoftwentymilesanhourwhenitcouldbegottomoveatall;mostofitstimeitseemedtobehalfasleep）withslow-traintickets。ThetrainwasstoppedatthenextstationandB。wasmarchedoffbetweentwostern-lookinggold-lacedofficialstoexplainthemattertoastern-lookinggold-lacedstation-master，surroundedbythreestern-lookinggold-lacedfollowers。Thescenesuggestedadrum-headcourt-martial，andIcouldseethatB。wasnervous，thoughoutwardlycalmandbrave。Heshoutedbackalight-
heartedadieutomeashepasseddowntheplatform，andaskedme，iftheworsthappened，tobreakitgentlytohismother。
However，noharmcameofit，andhereturnedtothecarriagewithoutastainuponhischaracter，hehavingmadeitcleartothesatisfactionofthecourt——firstly，Thathedidnotknowthatourticketswereonlyslow-traintickets;secondly，Thathewasnotawarethatwewerenottravellingbyaslowtrain;andthirdly，Thathewasreadytopaythedifferenceinthefares。
Heblamedhimselfforhavingdonethislast，however，afterwards。
HeseemedtothinkthathecouldhaveavoidedthisexpensebyassumingignoranceoftheGermanlanguage。Hesaidthattwoyearsago，whenhewastravellinginGermanywiththreeothermen，theauthoritiescamedownupontheminmuchthesamewayfortravellingfirst-classwithsecond-classtickets。
WhytheyweredoingthisB。didnotseemabletoexplainveryclearly。Hesaidthat，ifherecollectedrightly，theguardhadtoldthemtogetintoafirst-class，orelsetheyhadnothadtimetogetintoasecond-class，orelsetheydidnotknowtheywerenotinasecond-class。Imustconfesshisexplanationappearedtometobesomewhatlame。
Anyhow，theretheywereinafirst-classcarriage;andtherewasthecollectoratthedoor，lookingindignantlyattheirsecond-classtickets，andwaitingtohearwhattheyhadtosayforthemselves。
OneoftheirpartydidnotknowmuchGerman，butwhatlittlehedidknowhewasveryproudofandlikedtoair;andthisonearguedthematterwiththecollector，andexpressedhimselfinGermansowellthatthecollectorunderstoodanddisbelievedeverywordhesaid。
Hewasalso，onhispart，able，withalittletrouble，tounderstandwhatthecollectorsaid，whichwasthathemustpayeighteenmarks。
Andhehadto。
Asfortheotherthree，twoatalleventsofwhomwereexcellentGermanscholars，theydidnotunderstandanything，andnobodycouldmakethemunderstandanything。Thecollectorroaredatthemforabouttenminutes，andtheysmiledpleasantlyandsaidtheywantedtogotoHanover。Hewentandfetchedthestation-master，andthestation-masterexplainedtothemforanothertenminutesthat，iftheydidnotpayeighteenshillingseach，heshoulddotheGermanequivalentforsummonsingthem;andtheysmiledandnodded，andtoldhimthattheywantedtogotoHanover。Thenaveryimportant-
lookingpersonageinacocked-hatcameup，andwasveryangry;andheandthestation-masterandthecollectortookitinturnstoexplaintoB。andhistwofriendsthestateofthelawonthematter。
Theystormedandraged，andthreatenedandpleadedforaquarterofanhourorso，andthentheygotsick，andslammedthedoor，andwentoff，leavingtheGovernmenttolosethefifty-fourmarks。
WepassedtheGermanfrontieronWednesday，andhavebeeninBelgiumsince。
IliketheGermans。B。saysIoughtnottoletthemknowthis，becauseitwillmakethemconceited;butIhavenofearofsucharesult。Iamsuretheypossesstoomuchcommon-sensefortheirheadstobeturnedbypraise，nomatterfromwhom。
B。alsosaysthatIamdisplayingmoreenergythanprudenceinforminganopinionofapeoplemerelyfromafewweeks’travelamongstthem。Butmyexperienceisthatfirstimpressionsarethemostreliable。
Atallevents，inmycasetheyare。Ioftenarriveatquitesensibleideasandjudgments，onthespurofthemoment。ItiswhenIstoptothinkthatIbecomefoolish。
Ourfirstthoughtsarethethoughtsthataregiventous;oursecondthoughtsarethethoughtsthatwemakeforourselves。Iprefertotrusttotheformer。
TheGermansareabig，square-shouldered，deep-chestedrace。Theydonottalkmuch，butlookasthoughtheythought。Likeallbigthings，theyareeasy-goingandgood-tempered。
Anti-tobacconists，teetotallers，andsuch-likefaddists，wouldfarebadlyinGermany。AGermanhasnoanti-naturenotionsastoitsbeingwickedforhimtoenjoyhislife，andstillmorecriminalforhimtoletanybodyelseenjoytheirs。Helikeshishugepipe，andhelikeshismugofbeer，andasthesebecomeemptyhelikestohavethemfilledagain;andhelikestoseeotherpeoplelikeTHEIRpipeandTHEIRmugofbeer。IfyouweretogodancingroundaGerman，shriekingoutentreatiestohimtosignapledgethathewouldneverdrinkanotherdropofbeeragainaslongashelived，hewouldaskyoutorememberthatyouweretalkingtoaman，nottoachildoranimbecile，andhewouldprobablyimpresstherequestuponyoubyboxingyourearsforyourimpertinence。Hecanconducthimselfsensiblywithoutmakinganassofhimself。Hecanbe\"temperate\"
withouttyingbitsofcolouredribbonallabouthimselftoadvertisethefact，andwithoutrushingupanddownthestreetwavingabannerandyellingaboutit。
TheGermanwomenarenotbeautiful，buttheyarelovableandsweet;
andtheyarebroad-breastedandbroad-hipped，likethemothersofbigsonsshouldbe。Theydonotseemtotroublethemselvesabouttheir\"rights，\"butappeartobeverycontentedandhappyevenwithoutvotes。Thementreatthemwithcourtesyandtenderness，butwithnoneofthatexaggerateddeferencethatoneseesamongmorepetticoat-riddennations。TheGermansarewomenlovers，notwomenworshippers;andtheyarenotworriedbyanydoubtsastowhichsexshallruletheState，andwhichstopathomeandmindthechildren。
TheGermanwomenarenotpoliticiansandmayorsandcountycouncillors;theyarehousewives。
AllclassesofGermansarescrupulouslypolitetooneanother;butthisistheresultofmutualrespect，notofsnobbery。Thetramcarconductorexpectstobetreatedwithpreciselythesamecourtesythathetenders。TheCountraiseshishattotheshopkeeper，andexpectstheshopkeepertoraisehishattohim。
TheGermansareheartyeaters;buttheyarenot，liketheFrench，fussyandfinickyovertheirfood。TheirstomachisnottheirGod;
andthecook，withhissaucesandpatesandragouts，isnottheirHighPriest。Solongasthedishiswholesome，andthereissufficientofit，theyaresatisfied。
InthemeresensuousartsofpaintingandsculpturetheGermansarepoor，intheennoblingartsofliteratureandmusictheyaregreat;
andthisfactprovidesakeytotheircharacter。
Theyareasimple，earnest，homely，genuinepeople。Theydonotlaughmuch;butwhentheydo，theylaughdeepdown。Theyareslow，butsoisadeepriver。Aplacidlookgenerallyrestsupontheirheavyfeatures;butsometimestheyfrown，andthentheylooksomewhatgrim。
AvisittoGermanyisatonictoanEnglishman。WeEnglisharealwayssneeringatourselves，andpatriotisminEnglandisregardedasastampofvulgarity。TheGermans，ontheotherhand，believeinthemselves，andrespectthemselves。Theworldforthemisnotplayedout。Theircountrytothemisstillthe\"Fatherland。\"Theylookstraightbeforethemlikeapeoplewhoseeagreatfutureinfrontofthem，andarenotafraidtogoforwardtofulfilit。
GOOD-BYE，SIR（ORMADAM）。