INTRODUCTION
ThomasLovePeacockwasbornatWeymouthin1785。Hisfirstpoem，\"TheGeniusoftheThames，\"wasinitssecondeditionwhenhebecameoneofthefriendsofShelley。Thatwasin1812，whenShelley’sagewastwenty，Peacock’stwenty-seven。Theacquaintancestrengthened，untilPeacockbecamethefriendinwhosejudgmentShelleyputespecialtrust。Thereweremanypointsofagreement。
Peacock，atthattime，shared，inamorepracticalway，Shelley’sdesireforrootandbranchreform;bothworepoets，althoughnotequallygifted，andbothlovedPlatoandtheGreektragedians。In\"CrotchetCastle\"PeacockhasexpressedhisowndelightinGreekliteraturethroughthetalkoftheReverendDr。Folliott。
ButShelley’sfriendshipforPeacockincludedatrustinhimthatwasmaintainedbypointsofunlikeness。Peacockwasshrewdandwitty。Hedelightedinextravaganceofasatirewhichusuallysaidmorethanitmeant，butalwaysresteduponafoundationofgoodsense。Thenalsotherewasatouchofthepoettogivegracetotheutterancesofaclear-headedmanoftheworld。ItwasPeacockwhogaveitsnametoShelley’spoemof\"Alastor，ortheSpiritofSolitude，\"publishedin1816。The\"SpiritofSolitude\"beingtreatedasaspiritofevil，Peacocksuggestedcallingit\"Alastor，\"sincetheGreek[Greektext]meansanevilgenius。
Peacock’snovelsareunlikethoseofothermen：theyarethegenuineexpressionsofanoriginalandindependentmind。Hisreadingandhisthinkingrantogether;thereisfreequotation，freeplayofwitandsatire，graceofinventiontoo，butalwaysunconventional。Thestoryisalwayspleasant，althoughalwayssecondarytotheplayofthoughtforwhichitgivesoccasion。Hequarrelledwithverse，whimsicallybutinallseriousness，inanarticleon\"TheFourAgesofPoetry，\"contributedin1820toashort-livedjournal，\"Ollier’sLiteraryMiscellany。\"Thefourageswere，hesaid，theironage，theBardic;thegolden，theHomeric;
thesilver，theVirgilian;andthebrass，inwhichhehimselflived。\"Apoetinourtime，\"hesaid，\"isasemi-barbarianinacivilisedcommunity……Thehighestinspirationsofpoetryareresolvableintothreeingredients：therantofunregulatedpassion，thewhiningofexaggeratedfeeling，andthecantoffactitioussentiment;andcan，therefore，serveonlytoripenasplendidlunaticlikeAlexander，apulingdrivellerlikeWerter，oramorbiddreamerlikeWordsworth。\"Inanotherpartofthisessayhesays：\"Whilethehistorianandthephilosopherareadvancinginandacceleratingtheprogressofknowledge，thepoetiswallowingintherubbishofdepartedignorance，andrakinguptheashesofdeadsavagestofindgewgawsandrattlesforthegrownbabiesoftheage。Mr。Scottdigsupthepoacherandcattle-stealersoftheancientBorder。LordByroncruisesforthievesandpiratesontheshoresoftheMoreaandamongtheGreekislands。Mr。Southeywadesthroughponderousvolumesoftravelsandoldchronicles，fromwhichhecarefullyselectsallthatisfalse，useless，andabsurd，asbeingessentiallypoetical;andwhenhehasacommonplacebookfullofmonstrosities，stringsthemintoanepic。\"Andsoforth;
Peacockgoingontocharacterise，infurtherillustrationofhisargument，Wordsworth，Coleridge，Moore，andCampbell。HedidnotrefertoShelley;andShelleyreadhisfriend’swhimsicalattackonpoetrywithallgoodhumour，proceedingtoreplytoitwitha\"DefenceofPoetry，\"whichwouldhaveappearedinthesamejournal，ifthejournalhadsurvived。Inthisnovelof\"CrotchetCastle\"
thereisthesamegood-humouredexaggerationinthetreatmentof\"ourlearnedfriend\"——LordBrougham——towhomandtowhoselaboursfortheDiffusionofUsefulKnowledgetherearerepeatedallusions。
InonecasePeacockassociatesthelaboursof\"ourlearnedfriend\"
forthegeneralinstructionofthemasseswithencouragementofrobbery（page172），andinanotherwithbody-snatching，or，worse，——
murderfordissection（page99）。\"TheLorddelivermefromthelearnedfriend！\"saysDr。Folliott。Brougham’selevationtoapeerageinNovember，1830，asLordBroughamandVaux，isreferredtoonpage177，whereheiscalledSirGuydoVaux。Itisnottobeforgotten，inthereading，thatthisstorywaswrittenin1831，theyearbeforethepassingoftheReformBill。Itendswithascenesuggestedbytheagriculturalriotsofthattime。Intheninthchapter，again，thereisapassagedealingwithSirWalterScottafterthefashionofthecriticismsinthe\"FourAgesofPoetry。\"Butthiscriticalsatiregavenobodypain。Alwaystherewasaground-workofgoodsense，andthebroadsweepofthesatirewasutterlyunlikethenibblingcensureofthemenwhosewitistaintedwithill-humour。Wemayseealsothatthepoet’snaturecannotbeexpelled。Inthisvolumeweshouldfindthetouchofapoet’shandinthetaleitselfwhendealingwiththeadventuresofMr。Chainmail，whilehestaysattheWelshmountaininn，ifthestorydidnotagainandagainbreakoutintoactualsong，foritincludeshalf-a-dozenlittlepoems。
WhenPeacockwrotehisattackonPoetry，hehad，onlytwoyearsbefore，producedapoemofhisown——\"Rhododaphne\"——withaGreekfancyofthetrueandthefalselovedaintilyworkedout。Itwashischiefworkinverse，andgavemuchpleasuretoafew，amongthemhisfriendShelley。Buthefeltthat，astheworldwent，hewasnotstrongenoughtohelpitbyhissinging，soheconfinedhiswritingtothenovels，inwhichhecouldspeakhismindinhisownway，whiledoinghisdutybyhiscountryintheEastIndiaHouse，whereheobtainedapostin1818。From1836to1856，whenheretiredonapension，hewasExaminerofIndiaCorrespondence。
Peacockdiedin1866，agedeighty-one。
H。M。
NOTEthatinthistaleMacQuedyisMacQ。E。D。，sonofademonstration;Mr。Skionar，thetranscendentalist，isnamedfromSki（as）onar，thedreamofashadow;andMr。Philpot，——wholovesrivers，isPhil（o）pot（amos）。
CROTCHETCASTLE
byThomasLovePeacockCHAPTERI：THEVILLA
CaptainJamy。Iwadfullfainhearsomequestion’tweenyoutway。
HENRYV。
Inoneofthosebeautifulvalleys，throughwhichtheThames（notyetpollutedbythetide，thescouringofcities，oreventheminordefilementofthesandystreamsofSurrey）rollsaclearfloodthroughflowerymeadows，undertheshadeofoldbeechwoods，andthesmoothmossygreenswardofthechalkhills（whichpourintoittheirtributaryrivulets，aspureandpellucidasthefountainofBandusium，orthewellsofScamander，bywhichthewivesanddaughtersoftheTrojanswashedtheirsplendidgarmentsinthedaysofpeace，beforethecomingoftheGreeks）;inoneofthosebeautifulvalleys，onaboldround-surfacedlawn，spottedwithjuniper，thatopeneditselfinthebosomofanoldwood，whichrosewithasteep，butnotprecipitousascent，fromtherivertothesummitofthehill，stoodthecastellatedvillaofaretiredcitizen。EbenezerMacCrotchet，Esquire，wastheLondon-bornoffspringofaworthynativeofthe\"northcountrie，\"whohadwalkeduptoLondononacommercialadventure，withallhissurpluscapital，notveryneatlytiedupinanotverycleanhandkerchief，suspendedoverhisshoulderfromtheendofahookedstick，extractedfromthefirsthedgeonhispilgrimage;andwho，afterhavingworkedhimselfasteportwouptheladderoflife，hadwonthevirginheartoftheonlydaughterofahighlyrespectablemerchantofDuke’sPlace，withwhomheinheritedthehonestfruitsofalongseriesofingenuousdealings。
Mr。MacCrotchethadderivedfromhismothertheinstinct，andfromhisfathertherationalprinciple，ofenrichinghimselfattheexpenseoftherestofmankind，byalltherecognisedmodesofaccumulationonthewindysideofthelaw。AfterpassingmanyyearsintheAlley，watchingtheturnofthemarket，andplayingmanygamesalmostasdesperateasthatofthesoldierofLucullus，thefearoflosingwhathehadsorighteouslygainedpredominatedoverthesacredthirstofpaper-money;hiscautiongotthebetterofhisinstinct，orrathertransferreditfromthedepartmentofacquisitiontothatofconservation。Hisfriend，Mr。Ramsbottom，thezodiacalmythologist，toldhimthathehaddonewelltowithdrawfromtheregionofUranusorBrahma，theMaker，tothatofSaturnorVeeshnu，thePreserver，beforehefellundertheeyeofJupiterorSeva，theDestroyer，whomighthavestruckhimdownatablow。
ItissaidthataScotchman，returninghomeaftersomeyears’
residenceinEngland，beingaskedwhathethoughtoftheEnglish，answered：\"Theyhannaowermucklesense，buttheyareanuncobrawpeopletoliveamang;\"whichwouldbeaverygoodstory，ifitwerenotrenderedapocryphalbytheincrediblecircumstanceoftheScotchmangoingback。
Mr。MacCrotchet’sexperiencehadgivenhimajusttitletomake，inhisownperson，thelast-quotedobservation，buthewouldhaveknownbetterthantogoback，evenifhimself，andnothisfather，hadbeenthefirstcomerofhislinefromthenorth。HehadmarriedanEnglishChristian，and，havingnoneoftheScotchaccent，wasungraciousenoughtobeashamedofhisblood。HewasdesiroustoobliteratealiketheHebrewandCaledonianvestigesinhisname，andsignedhimselfE。M。Crotchet，whichbydegreesinducedthemajorityofhisneighbourstothinkthathisnamewasEdwardMatthew。ThemoreeffectuallytosinktheMac，hechristenedhisvilla\"CrotchetCastle，\"anddeterminedtohanddowntoposteritythehonoursofCrotchetofCrotchet。Hefounditessentialtohisdignitytofurnishhimselfwithacoatofarms，which，aftertheproperceremonies（paymentbeingtheprincipal），heobtained，videlicet：Crest，acrotchetrampant，inAsharp;
Arms，threeemptybladders，turgescent，toshowhowopinionsareformed;threebagsofgold，pendent，toshowwhytheyaremaintained;threenakedswords，tranchant，toshowhowtheyareadministered;andthreebarbers’blocks，gaspant，toshowhowtheyareswallowed。
Mr。Crotchetwasleftawidower，withtwochildren;and，afterthedeathofhiswife，sostrongwashissenseoftheblessedcomfortshehadbeentohim，thathedeterminednevertogiveanyotherwomananopportunityofobliteratingthehappyrecollection。
Hewasnotwithoutaplausiblepretenceforstylinghisvillaacastle，for，initsimmediatevicinity，andwithinhisownencloseddomain，werethemanifesttraces，onthebrowofthehill，ofaRomanstation，orcastellum，whichwasstillcalledthe\"Castle\"bythecountrypeople。Theprimitivemoundsandtrenches，merelyovergrownwithgreensward，withafewpatchesofjuniperandboxonthevallum，andasolitaryancientbeechsurmountingtheplaceofthepraetorium，presentednearlythesamedepths，heights，slopes，andforms，whichtheRomansoldiershadoriginallygiventhem。
FromthiscartelMr。Crotchetchristenedhisvilla。Withhisrusticneighbourshewas，ofcourse，immediatelyandnecessarilyasquire：SquireCrotchetoftheCastle;andheseemedtohimselftosettledownasnaturallyintoanEnglishcountrygentleman，asifhisparentagehadbeenasinnocentofbothScotlandandJerusalem，ashiseducationwasofRomeandAthens。
Butas，thoughyouexpelnaturewithapitch-fork，shewillyetalwayscomeback;hecouldnotbecome，likeatrue-bornEnglishsquire，partandparcelofthebarley-givingearth;hecouldnotfindingame-bagging，poacher-shooting，trespasser-pounding，footpath-stopping，common-enclosing，rack-renting，andalltheotherliberalpursuitsandpastimeswhichmakeacountrygentlemananornamenttotheworldandablessingtothepoor：hecouldnotfindinthesevaluableandamiableoccupations，andinacorrespondingrangeofideas，nearlycommensuratewiththatofthegreatKingNebuchadnezzarwhenhewasturnedouttograss;hecouldnotfindinthisgreatvarietyofusefulaction，andvastfieldofcomprehensivethought，modesoffillinguphistimethataccordedwithhisCaledonianinstinct。Theinbornloveofdisputation，whichtheexcitementsandengagementsofalifeofbusinesshadsmothered，burstforththroughthecalmersurfaceofarurallife。
HegrewasfainasCaptainJamy，\"tohearsomeargumentbetwixtonytway，\"andbeingveryhospitableinhisestablishment，andliberalinhisinvitations，anumerousdetachmentfromtheadvancedguardofthe\"marchofintellect，\"oftenmarcheddowntoCrotchetCastle。
WhenthefashionableseasonfilledLondonwithexhibitorsofalldescriptions，lecturersandelse，Mr。Crotchetwasinhisglory;
for，inadditiontotheperennialliteratiofthemetropolis，hehadtheadvantageofthevisitsofanumberofhardyannuals，chieflyfromthenorth，who，astheintervaloftheirmetropolitanfloweringallowed，occasionallyaccompaniedtheirLondonbrethreninexcursionstoCrotchetCastle。
Amongstotherthings，hetookverynaturallytopoliticaleconomy，readallthebooksonthesubjectwhichwereputforthbyhisowncountrymen，attendedalllecturesthereon，andboxedthetechnologyofthesublimescienceasexpertlyasanableseamanboxesthecompass。
Withthisagreeablemaniahehadthesatisfactionofbitinghisson，thehopeofhisnameandrace，whohadborneofffromOxfordthehighestacademicalhonours;andwho，treadinginhisfather’sfootstepstohonourandfortune，had，bymeansofaportionoftheoldgentleman’ssurpluscapital，madehimselfajuniorpartnerintheeminentloan-jobbingfirmofCatchflatandCompany。Here，inthedaysofpaperprosperity，heappliedhisscience-illuminedgeniustotheblowingofbubbles，theburstingofwhichsentmanyapoordeviltothegaol，theworkhouse，orthebottomoftheriver，butleftyoungCrotchetrollinginriches。
Thesericheshehadbeenonthepointofdoubling，byamarriagewiththedaughterofMr。Touchandgo，thegreatbanker，when，onefoggymorning，Mr。Touchandgoandthecontentsofhistillweresuddenlyreportedabsent;andasthefortunewhichtheyounggentlemanhadintendedtomarrywasnotforthcoming，thistenderaffairoftheheartwasnippedinthebud。
MissTouchandgodidnotmeettheshockofseparationquitesocomplacentlyastheyounggentleman：forhelostonlythelady，whereasshelostafortuneaswellasalover。Somejewels，whichhadglitteredonherbeautifulpersonasbrilliantlyasthebubbleofherfather’swealthhaddoneintheeyesofhisgudgeons，furnishedherwithasmallportionofpaper-currency;andthis，addedtothecontentsofafairypurseofgold，whichshefoundinhershoeontheeventfulmorningwhenMr。Touchandgomeltedintothinair，enabledhertoretreatintoNorthWales，whereshetookupherlodginginafarm-houseinMerionethshire，andboardedverycomfortablyforatriflingpayment，andtheadditionalconsiderationofteachingEnglish，French，andmusic，tothelittleAp-Llymrys。InthecourseofthisoccupationsheacquiredsufficientknowledgeofWelshtoconversewiththecountrypeople。
Sheclimbedthemountains，anddescendedthedingles，withafootwhichdailyhabitmadebydegreesalmostassteadyasanative’s。
Shebecamethenymphofthescene;andifshesometimespinedinthoughtforherfaithlessStrephon，hermelancholywasanythingbutgreenandyellow：itwasasgenuinewhiteandredasoccupation，mountainair，thyme-fedmutton，thickcream，andfatbaconcouldmakeit：tosaynothingofanoccasionalglassofdoubleX，whichAp-Llymry，whoyieldedtonomanwestoftheWrekininbrewage，neverfailedtopressuponheratdinnerandsupper。Hewasalsoearnest，andsometimessuccessful，intherecommendationofhismead，andmostpertinaciousonwinternightsinenforcingatrialofthevirtuesofhiselderwine。Theyounglady’spersonalappearance，consequently，formedaveryadvantageouscontrasttothatofherquondamlover，whosephysiognomytheintenseanxietiesofhisbubble-blowingdays，notwithstandingtheirtriumphantresult，hadleftblighted，sallowed，andcrow’s-footed，toadegreenotfarbelowthatofthefallenspiritwho，intheexpressivelanguageofGermanromance，isdescribedas\"scathedbytheineradicabletracesofthethunderboltsofHeaven;\"sothat，contemplatingtheirrelativegeologicalpositions，thepoordeserteddamselwasflourishingonslate，whileherrichandfalseyoungknightwaspiningonchalk。
SquireCrotchethadalsoonedaughter，whomhehadchristenedLemma，andwho，aslikelytobeendowedwithaveryamplefortunewas，ofcourse，anobjectverytemptingtomanyyoungsoldiersoffortune，whoweremarchingwiththemarchofmind，inagoodconditionfortakingcastles，asfarasnothavingagroatisaqualificationforsuchexploits。Shewasalsoaglitteringbaittodiversyoungsquiresexpectant（whosefathersweretoowellacquaintedwiththeoccultsignificationofmortgage），andeventooneortwosprigsofnobility，whothoughtthattheliningofacivicpursewouldsuperinduceaverypassablefactitiousnapuponathread-baretitle。Theyoungladyhadreceivedanexpensiveandcomplicatededucation，completeinalltheelementsofsuperficialdisplay。Shewasthuseminentlyqualifiedtobethecompanionofanymasculineluminarywhohadkeptduepacewiththe\"astoundingprogress\"ofintelligence。Itmustbeconfessed，thatamanwhohasnotkeptduepacewithit，isnotveryeasilyfound：thismarchbeingoneofthat\"astounding\"characterinwhichitseemsimpossiblethattherearcanbebehindthevan。Theyoungladywasalsotolerablygoodlooking：northofTweed，orinPalestine，shewouldprobablehavebeenabeauty;butforthevalleysoftheThamesshewasperhapsalittletoomuchtothetasteofSolomon，andhadanosewhichrathertooprominentlysuggestedtheideaofthetowerofLebanon，whichlookedtowardsDamascus。
InavillageinthevicinityoftheCastlewasthevicarageoftheReverendDoctorFolliott，agentlemanendowedwithatolerablestockoflearning，aninterminableswallow，andanindefatigablepairoflungs。Hispre-eminenceinthelatterfacultygaveoccasiontosomeetymologiststoringchangesonhisname，andtodecidethatitwasderivedfromFollisOptimus，softenedthroughanItalianmediumintoFolleOttimo，contractedpoeticallyintoFolleotto，andelidedAngliceintoFolliott，signifyingafirst-
ratepairofbellows。HeclaimedtobedescendedlineallyfromtheillustriousGilbertFolliott，theeminenttheologian，whowasaBishopofLondoninthetwelfthcentury，whosestudieswereinterruptedinthedeadofnightbytheDevil，whenacoupleofepigramspassedbetweenthem，andtheDevil，ofcourse，provedthesmallerwitofthetwo。
Thisreverendgentleman，beingbothlearnedandjolly，becamebydegreesanindispensableornamenttothenewsquire’stable。Mr。
Crotchethimselfwaseminentlyjolly，thoughbynomeanseminentlylearned。Inthelatterrespecthetookafterthegreatmajorityofthesonsofhisfather’sland;hadasmatteringofmanythings，andaknowledgeofnone;butpossessedthetruenorthernartofmakingthemostofhisintellectualharlequin’sjacket，bykeepingthebestpatchesalwaysbrightandprominent。
CHAPTERII：THEMARCHOFMIND
QuothRalpho：nothingbuttheabuseOfhumanlearningyouproduce。——BUTLER
\"Godblessmysoul，sir！\"exclaimedtheReverendDoctorFolliott，bursting，onefineMaymorning，intothebreakfast-roomatCrotchetCastle，\"Iamoutofallpatiencewiththismarchofmind。Herehasmyhousebeennearlyburneddownbymycooktakingitintoherheadtostudyhydrostaticsinasixpennytract，publishedbytheSteamIntellectSociety，andwrittenbyalearnedfriendwhoisfordoingalltheworld’sbusinessaswellashisown，andisequallywellqualifiedtohandleeverybranchofhumanknowledge。Ihaveagreatabominationofthislearnedfriend;asauthor，lawyer，andpolitician，heistriformis，likeHecate;andineveryoneofhisthreeformsheisbifrons，likeJanus;thetrueMr。Facing-both-
waysofVanityFair。Mycookmustreadhisrubbishinbed;and，asmightnaturallybeexpected，shedroppedsuddenlyfastasleep，overturnedthecandle，andsetthecurtainsinablaze。Luckily，thefootmanwentintotheroomatthemoment，intimetoteardownthecurtainsandthrowthemintothechimney，andapitcherofwateronhernightcapextinguishedherwick;sheisagreasysubject，andwouldhaveburnedlikeashortmould。\"
Thereverendgentlemanexhaledhisgrievancewithoutlookingtotherightortotheleft;atlength，turningonhispivot，heperceivedthattheroomwasfullofcompany，consistingofyoungCrotchet，andsomevisitorswhomhehadbroughtfromLondon。TheReverendDoctorFolliottwasintroducedtoMr。MacQuedy，theeconomist;Mr。
Skionar，thetranscendentalpoet;Mr。Firedamp，themeteorologist;
andLordBossnowl，sonoftheEarlofFoolincourt，andmemberfortheboroughofRogueingrain。
Thedivinetookhisseatatthebreakfast-table，andbegantocomposehisspiritsbythegentlesedativeofalargecupoftea，thedemulcentofawell-butteredmuffin，andthetonicofasmalllobster。
REV。DR。FOLLIOTT。Youareamanoftaste，Mr。Crotchet。Amanoftasteisseenatonceinthearrayofhisbreakfast-table。ItisthefootofHercules，thefar-shiningfaceofthegreatwork，accordingtoPindar’sdoctrine：[Greektext]。Thebreakfastisthe[Greektext]ofthegreatworkoftheday。Chocolate，coffee，tea，cream，eggs，ham，tongue，coldfowl，allthesearegood，andbespeakgoodknowledgeinhimwhosetsthemforth：butthetouchstoneisfish：anchovyisthefirststep，prawnsandshrimpsthesecond;andIlaudhimwhoreacheseventothese：pottedcharandlampreysarethethird，andafinestretchofprogression;butlobsteris，indeed，matterforaMaymorning，anddemandsararecombinationofknowledgeandvirtueinhimwhosetsitforth。
MR。MACQUEDY。Well，sir，andwhatsayyoutoafinefreshtrout，hotanddry，inanapkin？oraherringoutofthewaterintothefrying-pan，ontheshoreofLochFyne？
REV。DR。FOLLIOTT。Sir，Isayeverynationhassomeeximiousvirtue;andyourcountryispre-eminentinthegloryoffishforbreakfast。Wehavemuchtolearnfromyouinthatlineatanyrate。
MR。MACQUEDY。Andinmanyothers，sir，Ibelieve。Moralsandmetaphysics，politicsandpoliticaleconomy，thewaytomakethemostofallthemodificationsofsmoke;steam，gas，andpapercurrency;youhaveallthesetolearnfromus;inshort，alltheartsandsciences。WearethemodernAthenians。
REV。DR。FOLLIOTT。I，forone，sir，amcontenttolearnnothingfromyoubuttheartandscienceoffishforbreakfast。Becontent，sir，torivaltheBoeotians，whoseredeemingvirtuewasinfish，touchingwhichpointyoumayconsultAristophanesandhisscholiastinthepassageofLysistrata，[Greektext]，andleavethenameofAthenianstothosewhohaveasenseofthebeautiful，andaperceptionofmetricalquantity。
MR。MACQUEDY。Then，sir，Ipresumeyousetnovalueontherightprinciplesofrent，profit，wages，andcurrency？
REV。DR。FOLLIOTT。Myprinciples，sir，inthesethingsare，totakeasmuchasIcanget，andpaynomorethanIcanhelp。Theseareeveryman’sprinciples，whethertheybetherightprinciplesorno。There，sir，ispoliticaleconomyinanutshell。
MR。MACQUEDY。Theprinciples，sir，whichregulateproductionandconsumptionareindependentofthewillofanyindividualastogivingortaking，anddonotlieinanutshellbyanymeans。
REV。DR。FOLLIOTT。Sir，Iwillthankyouforalegofthatcapon。
LORDBOSSNOWL。But，sir，by-the-bye，howcameyourfootmantobegoingintoyourcook’sroom？Itwasveryprovidentialtobesure，but-
REV。DR。FOLLIOTT。Sir，asgoodcameofit，Ishutmyeyes，andasknoquestions。Isupposehewasgoingtostudyhydrostatics，andhefoundhimselfunderthenecessityofpractisinghydraulics。
MR。FIREDAMP。Sir，youseemtomakeverylightofscience。
REV。DR。FOLLIOTT。Yes，sir，suchscienceasthelearnedfrienddealsin：everythingforeverybody，scienceforall，schoolsforall，rhetoricforall，lawforall，physicforall，wordsforall，andsensefornone。Isay，sir，lawforlawyers，andcookeryforcooks：andIwishthelearnedfriend，forallhislife，acookthatwillpasshertimeinstudyinghisworks;theneverydinnerhesitsdowntoathome，hewillsitonthestoolofrepentance。
LORDBOSSNOWL。Nowreallythatwouldbetoosevere：mycookshouldreadnothingbutUde。
REV。DR。FOLLIOTT。No，sir！letUdeandthelearnedfriendsingefowlstogether;letbothavauntfrommykitchen。[Greektext]。
Udesaysanelegantsuppermaybegivenwithsandwiches。Horrescoreferens。Anelegantsupper。Dimeliorapiis。NoUdeforme。
Convivialitywentoutwithpunchandsuppers。Icherishtheirmemory。IsupwhenIcan，butnotuponsandwiches。Tooffermeasandwich，whenIamlookingforasupper，istoaddinsulttoinjury。Letthelearnedfriend，andthemodernAthenians，supuponsandwiches。
MR。MACQUEDY。Nay，sir;themodernAtheniansknowbetterthanthat。AliterarysupperinsweetEdinbro’wouldcureyouoftheprejudiceyouseemtocherishagainstus。
REV。DR。FOLLIOTT。Well，sir，well;thereiscogencyinagoodsupper;agoodsupperinthesedegeneratedaysbespeaksagoodman;
butmuchmoreiswantedtomakeupanAthenian。Athenians，indeed！
whereisyourtheatre？whoamongyouhaswrittenacomedy？whereisyourAtticsalt？whichofyoucantellwhowasJupiter’sgreat-
grandfather？orwhatmetreswillsuccessivelyremain，ifyoutakeoffthethreefirstsyllables，onebyone，fromapureantispasticacatalectictetrameter？Now，sir，therearethreequestionsforyou：theatrical，mythological，andmetrical;toeveryoneofwhichanAthenianwouldgiveananswerthatwouldlaymeprostrateinmyownnothingness。
MR。MACQUEDY。Well，sir，astoyourmetreandyourmythology，theymaye’enwaitawee。Foryourcomedythereisthe\"GentleShepherd\"ofthedivineAllanRamsay。
REV。DR。FOLLIOTT。The\"GentleShepherd\"！ItisjustasmuchacomedyastheBookofJob。
MR。MACQUEDY。Well，sir，ifnoneofushavewrittenacomedy，I
cannotseethatitisanysuchgreatmatter，anymorethanIcanconjecturewhatbusinessamancanhaveatthistimeofdaywithJupiter’sgreat-grandfather。
REV。DR。FOLLIOTT。Thegreatbusinessis，sir，thatyoucallyourselvesAthenians，whileyouknownothingthattheAtheniansthoughtworthknowing，anddarenotshowyournosesbeforethecivilisedworldinthepracticeofanyoneartinwhichtheywereexcellent。ModernAthens，sir！theassumptionisapersonalaffronttoeverymanwhohasaSophoclesinhislibrary。Iwillthankyouforananchovy。
MR。MACQUEDY。Metaphysics，sir;metaphysics。Logicandmoralphilosophy。Thereweareathome。TheAtheniansonlysoughttheway，andwehavefoundit;andtoallthiswehaveaddedpoliticaleconomy，thescienceofsciences。
REV。DR。FOLLIOTT。Ahyperbarbaroustechnology，thatnoAthenianearcouldhaveborne。Premisesassumedwithoutevidence，orinspiteofit;andconclusionsdrawnfromthemsologically，thattheymustnecessarilybeerroneous。
MR。SKIONAR。Icannotagreewithyou，Mr。MacQuedy，thatyouhavefoundthetrueroadofmetaphysics，whichtheAtheniansonlysought。TheGermanshavefoundit，sir：thesublimeKantandhisdisciples。
MR。MACQUEDY。IhavereadthesublimeKant，sir，withananxiousdesiretounderstandhim，andIconfessIhavenotsucceeded。
REV。DR。FOLLIOTT。Hewantsthetwogreatrequisitesofheadandtail。
MR。SKIONAR。Transcendentalismisthephilosophyofintuition，thedevelopmentofuniversalconvictions;truthswhichareinherentintheorganisationofmind，whichcannotbeobliterated，thoughtheymaybeobscured，bysuperstitiousprejudiceontheonehand，andbytheAristotelianlogicontheother。
MR。MACQUEDY。Well，sir，Ihavenonotionoflogicobscuringaquestion。
MR。SKIONAR。Thereisonlyonetruelogic，whichisthetranscendental;andthiscanproveonlytheonetruephilosophy，whichisalsothetranscendental。ThelogicofyourModernAthenscanproveeverythingequally;andthatis，inmyopinion，tantamounttoprovingnothingatall。
MR。CROTCHET。Thesentimentalagainsttherational，theintuitiveagainsttheinductive，theornamentalagainsttheuseful，theintenseagainstthetranquil，theromanticagainsttheclassical;
thesearegreatandinterestingcontroversies，whichIshouldlike，beforeIdie，toseesatisfactorilysettled。
MR。FIREDAMP。Thereisanothergreatquestion，greaterthanallthese，seeingthatitisnecessarytobealiveinordertosettleanyquestion;andthisisthequestionofwateragainsthumanlife。
Whereverthereiswater，thereismalaria，andwhereverthereismalaria，therearetheelementsofdeath。Thegreatobjectofawisemanshouldbetoliveonagravellyhill，withoutsomuchasaduck-pondwithintenmilesofhim，eschewingcisternsandwaterbutts，andtakingcarethattherebenogravel-pitsforlodgingtherain。Thesunsucksupinfectionfromwater，whereveritexistsonthefaceoftheearth。
REV。DR。FOLLIOTT。Well，sir，youhaveforyoutheauthorityoftheancientmystagogue，whosaid：[Greektext]。FormypartI
carenotarush（oranyotheraquaticandinesculentvegetable）whoorwhatsucksupeitherthewaterortheinfection。Ithinktheproximityofwineamatterofmuchmoreimportancethanthelonginquityofwater。YouareherewithinaquarterofamileoftheThames，butinthecellarofmyfriend，Mr。Crotchet，thereisthetalismanicantidoteofathousanddozenofoldwine;abeautifulspectacle，Iassureyou，andamodelofarrangement。
MR。FIREDAMP。Sir，Ifeelthemalignantinfluenceoftheriverineverypartofmysystem。NothingbutmygreatfriendshipforMr。
Crotchetwouldhavebroughtmesonearlywithinthejawsofthelion。
REV。DR。FOLLIOTT。Afterdinner，sir，afterdinner，Iwillmeetyouonthisquestion。Ishallthenbearmedforthestrife。YoumayfightlikeHerculesagainstAchelous，butIshallflourishtheBacchicthyrsus，whichchangedriversintowine：asNonnussweetlysings，[Greektext]。
MR。CROTCHET，JUN。Ihope，Mr。Firedamp，youwillletyourfriendshipcarryyoualittlecloserintothejawsofthelion。I
amfittingupaflotillaofpleasure-boats，withspaciouscabins，andagoodcellar，tocarryachoicephilosophicalpartyuptheThamesandSevern，intotheEllesmerecanal，whereweshallbeamongthemountainsofNorthWales;whichwemayclimbornot，aswethinkproper;butwewill，atanyrate，keepourfloatinghotelwellprovisioned，andwewilltrytosettleallthequestionsoverwhichashadowofdoubtyethangsintheworldofphilosophy。
MR。FIREDAMP。Outofmygreatfriendshipforyou，Iwillcertainlygo;butIdonotexpecttosurvivetheexperiment。
REV。DR。FOLLIOTT。AltererittumTiphys，etalteraquaevehatArgoDelectosHeroas。Iwillbeoftheparty，thoughImusthireanofficiatingcurate，anddeprivepoordearMrs。Folliott，forseveralweeks，ofthepleasureofcombingmywig。
LORDBOSSNOWL。Ihope，ifIamtobeoftheparty，ourshipisnottobetheshipoffools：He！he！
REV。DR。FOLLIOTT。Ifyouareoneoftheparty，sir，itmostassuredlywillnot：Ha！ha！
LORDBOSSNOWL。Praysir，whatdoyoumeanbyHa！ha！？
REV。DR。FOLLIOTT。Precisely，sir，whatyoumeanbyHe！he！
MR。MACQUEDY。Youneednotdisputeaboutterms;theyaretwomodesofexpressingmerriment，withorwithoutreason;reasonbeinginnowayessentialtomirth。Nomanshouldaskanotherwhyhelaughs，oratwhat，seeingthathedoesnotalwaysknow，andthat，ifhedoes，heisnotaresponsibleagent。Laughterisaninvoluntaryactionofcertainmuscles，developedinthehumanspeciesbytheprogressofcivilisation。Thesavageneverlaughs。
REV。DR。FOLLIOTT。No，sir，hehasnothingtolaughat。GivehimModernAthens，the\"learnedfriend，\"andtheSteamIntellectSociety。Theywilldevelophismuscles。
CHAPTERIII：THEROMANCAMP
Helovedhermorethensevenyere，Yetwasheofherloveneverthenere;
Hewasnotrycheofgoldeandfe，Agentyllmanforsothwashe。
TheSquyrofLoweDegre。
TheReverendDoctorFolliotthavingpromisedtoreturntodinner，walkedbacktohisvicarage，meditatingwhetherheshouldpassthemorninginwritinghisnextsermon，orinanglingfortrout，andhadnearlydecidedinfavourofthelatterproposition，repeatingtohimself，withgreatunction，thelinesofChaucer：
Andasforme，thoughthatIcanbutlite，OnbokisfortoreadImedelite，Andto’hemyeveIfaitheandfullcredence，Andinminehertehave’heminreverence，Sohertily，thatthereisgamenone，Thatfromybokismakithmetogone，Butitbeseldome，ontheholiedaie;
SavecertainlywhanthatthemonthofMaieIscousin，andIherethefoulissing，Andthattheflourisginninfortospring，Farwellmybokeandmydevocion：
whenhisattentionwasattractedbyayounggentlemanwhowassittingonacampstoolwithaportfolioonhisknee，takingasketchoftheRomanCamp，which，ashasbeenalreadysaid，waswithintheencloseddomainofMr。Crotchet。Theyoungstranger，whohadclimbedoverthefence，espyingtheportlydivine，roseup，andhopedthathewasnottrespassing。\"Bynomeans，sir，\"saidthedivine，\"alltheartsandsciencesarewelcomehere;music，painting，andpoetry;hydrostaticsandpoliticaleconomy;
meteorology，transcendentalism，andfishforbreakfast。\"
THESTRANGER。Apleasantassociation，sir，andaliberalanddiscriminatinghospitality。ThisisanoldBritishcamp，I
believe，sir？
REV。DR。FOLLIOTT。Roman，sir;Roman;undeniablyRoman。Thevallumispastcontroversy。Itwasnotacamp，sir，acastrum，butacastellum，alittlecamp，orwatch-station，towhichwasattached，onthepeakoftheadjacenthill，abeaconfortransmittingalarms。Youwillfindsuchhereandthere，allalongtherangeofchalkhills，whichtraversesthecountryfromnorth-
easttosouth-west，andalongthebaseofwhichrunstheancientIknieldroad，whereofyoumaydescryaportioninthatlongstraightwhiteline。
THESTRANGER。Ibegyourpardon，sir;doIunderstandthisplacetobeyourproperty？
REV。DR。FOLLIOTT。Itisnotmine，sir：themoreisthepity;yetisitsofarwell，thattheownerismygoodfriend，andahighlyrespectablegentleman。
THESTRANGER。Goodandrespectable，sir，Itakeit，meansrich？
REV。DR。FOLLIOTT。Thatistheirmeaning，sir。
THESTRANGER。IunderstandtheownertobeaMr。Crotchet。Hehasahandsomedaughter，Iamtold。
REV。DR。FOLLIOTT。Hehas，sir。Hereyesarelikethefish-poolsofHeshbon，bythegateofBethrabbim;andsheistohaveahandsomefortune，towhichdiversdisinterestedgentlemenarepayingtheiraddresses。Perhapsyoudesigntobeoneofthem？
THESTRANGER。No，sir;Ibegpardonifmyquestionsseemimpertinent;Ihavenosuchdesign。Thereisasontoo，Ibelieve，sir，agreatandsuccessfulblowerofbubbles？
REV。DR。FOLLIOTT。Ahero，sir，inhisline。NeverdidanglerinSeptemberhookmoregudgeons。
THESTRANGER。Tosaythetruth，twoveryamiableyoungpeople，withwhomIhavesomelittleacquaintance，LordBossnowl，andhissister，LadyClarinda，arereportedtobeonthepointofconcludingadoublemarriagewithMissCrotchetandherbrother;bywayofputtinganewvarnishonoldnobility。LordFoolincourt，theirfather，isterriblypoorforalordwhoownsaborough。
REV。DR。FOLLIOTT。Well，sir，theCrotchetshaveplentyofmoney，andtheoldgentleman’sweakpointisahankeringafterhighblood。
Isawyouracquaintance，LordBossnowl，thismorning，butIdidnotseehissister。Shemaybethere，nevertheless，anddoingfashionablejusticetothisfineMaymorning，bylyinginbedtillnoon。
THESTRANGER。YoungMr。Crotchet，sir，hasbeen，likehisfather，thearchitectofhisownfortune，hashenot？Anillustriousexampleoftherewardofhonestyandindustry？
REV。DR。FOLLIOTT。Astohonesty，sir，hemadehisfortuneinthecityofLondon，andifthatcommoditybeofanyvaluethere，youwillfinditinthepricecurrent。Ibelieveitisbelowpar，likethesharesofyoungCrotchet’sfiftycompanies。Buthisprogresshasnotbeenexactlylikehisfather’s。Ithasbeenmorerapid，andhestartedwithmoreadvantages。Hebeganwithafinecapitalfromhisfather。Theoldgentlemandividedhisfortuneintothreenotexactlyequalportions;oneforhimself，oneforhisdaughter，andoneforhisson，whichhehandedovertohim，saying，\"Takeitonceforall，andmakethemostofit;ifyouloseitwhereIwonit，notanotherstiverdoyougetfrommeduringmylife。\"But，sir，youngCrotchetdoubled，andtrebled，andquadrupledit，andis，asyousay，astrikingexampleoftherewardofindustry;notthatIthinkhislabourhasbeensogreatashisluck。
THESTRANGER。But，sir，isallthissolid？istherenodangerofreaction？nodayofreckoningtocutdowninanhourprosperitythathasgrownuplikeamushroom？
REV。DR。FOLLIOTT。Nay，sir，Iknownot。Idonotpryintothesematters。Iam，formyownpart，verywellsatisfiedwiththeyounggentleman。Letthosewhoarenotsolooktothemselves。ItisquiteenoughformethathecamedownlastnightfromLondon，andthathehadthegoodsensetobringwithhimabasketoflobsters。
Sir，Iwishyouagoodmorning。
Thestrangerhavingreturnedthereverendgentleman’sgoodmorning，resumedhissketch，andwasintentlyemployedonitwhenMr。
CrotchetmadehisappearancewithMr。MacQuedyandMr。Skionar，whomhewasescortingroundhisgrounds，accordingtohiscustomwithnewvisitors;theprincipalpleasureofpossessinganextensivedomainbeingthatofshowingittootherpeople。Mr。MacQuedy，accordingalsotothelaudablecustomofhiscountrymen，hadbeenappraisingeverythingthatfellunderhisobservation;but，onarrivingattheRomancamp，ofwhichthevaluewaspurelyimaginary，hecontentedhimselfwithexclaiming：\"Eh！thisisjustacuriosity，andverypleasanttositinonasummerday。\"
MR。SKIONAR。Andcallupthedaysofold，whentheRomaneaglespreaditswingsintheplaceofthatbeechenfoliage。Itgivesafineideaofduration，tothinkthatthatfineoldtreemusthavesprungfromtheearthagesafterthiscampwasformed。
MR。MACQUEDY。Howold，thinkyou，maythetreebe？
MR。CROTCHET。Ihaverecordswhichshowittobethreehundredyearsold。
MR。MACQUEDY。Thatisagreatageforabeechingoodcondition。
Butyouseethecampissomefifteenhundredyears，orso，older;
andthreetimessixbeingeighteen，Ithinkyougetaclearerideaofdurationoutofthesimplearithmetic，thanoutofyoureagleandfoliage。
MR。SKIONAR。Thatisaveryunpoetical，ifnotunphilosophical，modeofviewingantiquities。Yourphilosophyistooliteralforourimperfectvision。Wecannotlookdirectlyintothenatureofthings;wecanonlycatchglimpsesofthemightyshadowinthecameraobscuraoftranscendentalintelligence。Thesesixandeighteenareonlywordstowhichwegiveconventionalmeanings。Wecanreason，butwecannotfeel，byhelpofthem。Thetreeandtheeagle，contemplatedintheidealityofspaceandtime，becomesubjectiverealities，thatriseupaslandmarksinthemysteryofthepast。
MR。MACQUEDY。Well，sir，ifyouunderstandthat，Iwishyoujoy。
ButImustbeexcusedforholdingthatmyproposition，threetimessixareeighteen，ismoreintelligiblethanyours。Aworthyfriendofmine，whoisasortofamateurinphilosophy，criticism，politics，andaweebitofmanythingsmore，says：\"Menneverbegintostudyantiquitiestilltheyaresaturatedwithcivilisation。\"
MR。SKIONAR。Whatiscivilisation？
MR。MACQUEDY。Itisjustrespectforproperty。Astateinwhichnomantakeswrongfullywhatbelongstoanother，isaperfectlycivilisedstate。
MR。SKIONAR。Yourfriend’santiquariesmusthavelivedinElDorado，tohavehadanopportunityofbeingsaturatedwithsuchastate。
MR。MACQUEDY。Itisaquestionofdegree。ThereismorerespectforpropertyherethaninAngola。
MR。SKIONAR。Thatdependsonthelightinwhichthingsareviewed。
Mr。Crotchetwasrubbinghishands，inhopesofafinediscussion，whentheycameroundtothesideofthecampwherethepicturesquegentlemanwassketching。Thestrangerwasrisingup，whenMr。
Crotchetbeggedhimnottodisturbhimself，andpresentlywalkedawaywithhistwoguests。
Shortlyafter，MissCrotchetandLadyClarinda，whohadbreakfastedbythemselves，madetheirappearanceatthesamespot，hangingeachonanarmofLordBossnowl，whoverymuchpreferredtheircompanytothatofthephilosophers，thoughhewouldhavepreferredthecompanyofthelatter，oranycompanytohisown。Hethoughtitverysingularthatsoagreeableapersonasheheldhimselftobetoothers，shouldbesoexceedinglytiresometohimself：hedidnotattempttoinvestigatethecauseofthisphenomenon，butwascontentedwithactingonhisknowledgeofthefact，andgivinghimselfaslittleofhisownprivatesocietyaspossible。
Thestrangerroseastheyapproached，andwasimmediatelyrecognisedbytheBossnowlsasanoldacquaintance，andsalutedwiththeexclamationof\"CaptainFitzchrome！\"TheinterchangeofsalutationsbetweenLadyClarindaandtheCaptainwasaccompaniedwithanamiableconfusiononbothsides，inwhichtheobservanteyesofMissCrotchetseemedtoreadtherecollectionofanaffairoftheheart。
LordBossnowlwaseitherunconsciousofanysuchaffair，orindifferenttoitsexistence。HeintroducedtheCaptainverycordiallytoMissCrotchet;andtheyoungladyinvitedhim，asthefriendoftheirguests，topartakeofherfather’shospitality，anofferwhichwasreadilyaccepted。
TheCaptaintookhisportfoliounderhisrightarm，hiscampstoolinhisrighthand，offeredhisleftarmtoLadyClarinda，andfollowedatareasonabledistancebehindMissCrotchetandLordBossnowl，contriving，inthemostnaturalmannerpossible，todropmoreandmoreintotherear。
LADYCLARINDA。Iamgladtoseeyoucanmakeyourselfsohappywithdrawingoldtreesandmoundsofgrass。
CAPTAINFITZCHROME。Happy，LadyClarinda！oh，no！HowcanIbehappywhenIseetheidolofmyheartabouttobesacrificedontheshrineofMammon？
LADYCLARINDA。Doyouknow，thoughMammonhasasortofillname，Ireallythinkheisaverypopularcharacter;theremustbeatthebottomsomethingamiableabouthim。Heiscertainlyoneofthosepleasantcreatureswhomeverybodyabuses，butwithoutwhomnoeveningpartyisendurable。Idaresay，loveinacottageisverypleasant;butthenitpositivelymustbeacottageornee：butwouldnotthesamelovebeagreatdealsaferinacastle，evenifMammonfurnishedthefortification？
CAPTAINFITZCHROME。Oh，LadyClarinda！thereisaheartlessnessinthatlanguagethatchillsmetothesoul。
LADYCLARINDA。Heartlessness！No：myheartisonmylips。I
speakjustwhatIthink。Youusedtolikeit，andsayitwasasdelightfulasitwasrare。
CAPTAINFITZCHROME。True，butyoudidnotthentalkasyoudonow，ofloveinacastle。
LADYCLARINDA。Well，butonlyconsider：adunisahorridlyvulgarcreature;itisacreatureIcannotendurethethoughtof：
andacottageletshiminsoeasily。Nowacastlekeepshimatbay。Youareahalf-payofficer，andareatleisuretocommandthegarrison：butwhereisthecastle？andwhoistofurnishthecommissariat？
CAPTAINFITZCHROME。Isitcometothis，thatyoumakeajestofmypoverty？Yetismypovertyonlycomparative。Manydecentfamiliesaremaintainedonsmallermeans。
LADYCLARINDA。Decentfamilies：ay，decentisthedistinctionfromrespectable。Respectablemeansrich，anddecentmeanspoor。
IshoulddieifIheardmyfamilycalleddecent。Andthenyourdecentfamilyalwayslivesinasnuglittleplace：Ihatealittleplace;Ilikelargeroomsandlargelooking-glasses，andlargeparties，andafinelargebutler，withatingeofsmoothredinhisface;anoutwardandvisiblesignthatthefamilyheservesisrespectable;ifnotnoble，highlyrespectable。
CAPTAINFITZCHROME。Icannotbelievethatyousayallthisinearnest。NomanislessdisposedthanIamtodenytheimportanceofthesubstantialcomfortsoflife。Ionceflatteredmyselfthatinourestimateofthesethingswewerenearlyofamind。
LADYCLARINDA。Doyouknow，Ithinkanopera-boxaverysubstantialcomfort，andacarriage。Youwilltellmethatmanydecentpeoplewalkarm-in-armthroughthesnow，andsitinclogsandbonnetsinthepitattheEnglishtheatre。Nodoubtitisverypleasanttothosewhoareusedtoit;butitisnottomytaste。
CAPTAINFITZCHROME。Youalwaysdelightedintryingtoprovokeme;
butIcannotbelievethatyouhavenotaheart。
LADYCLARINDA。YoudonotliketobelievethatIhaveaheart，youmean。YouwishtothinkIhavelostit，andyouknowtowhom;andwhenItellyouthatitisstillsafeinmyownkeeping，andthatI
donotmeantogiveitaway，theunreasonablecreaturegrowsangry。
CAPTAINFITZCHROME。Angry！farfromit;Iamperfectlycool。
LADYCLARINDA。Why，youarepursingyourbrows，bitingyourlips，andliftingupyourfootasifyouwouldstampitintotheearth。
Imustsayangerbecomesyou;youwouldmakeacharmingHotspur。
Yourevery-day-dining-outfaceisratherinsipid：butIassureyoumyheartisindangerwhenyouareintheheroics。Itissorare，too，inthesedaysofsmoothmanners，toseeanythinglikenaturalexpressioninaman’sface。Thereisonesetformforeveryman’sfaceinfemalesociety：asortofseriouscomedywalkinggentleman’sface：butthemomentthecreaturefallsinlovehebeginstogivehimselfairs，andplaysoffallthevarietiesofhisphysiognomyfromtheMasterSlendertothePetruchio;andthenheisactuallyveryamusing。
CAPTAINFITZCHROME。Well，LadyClarinda，Iwillnotbeangry，amusingasitmaybetoyou：Ilistenmoreinsorrowthaninanger。Ihalfbelieveyouinearnest：andmournasoverafallenangel。
LADYCLARINDA。What，becauseIhavemadeupmymindnottogiveawaymyheartwhenIcansellit？Iwillintroduceyoutomynewacquaintance，Mr。MacQuedy：hewilltalktoyoubythehouraboutexchangeablevalue，andshowyouthatnorationalbeingwillpartwithanything，excepttothehighestbidder。
CAPTAINFITZCHROME。Now，Iamsureyouarenotinearnest。Youcannotadoptsuchsentimentsintheirnakeddeformity。
LADYCLARINDA。Nakeddeformity！Why，Mr。MacQuedywillprovetoyouthattheyarethecreamofthemostrefinedphilosophy。Youliveaverypleasantlifeasabachelor，rovingaboutthecountrywithyourportfoliounderyourarm。Iamnotfittobeapoorman’swife。Icannottakeanykindoftrouble，ordoanyonethingthatisofanyuse。Manydecentfamiliesroastabitofmuttononastring;butifIdispleasemyfatherIshallnothaveasmuchaswillbuythestring，tosaynothingofthemeat;andthebareideaofsuchcookerygivesmethehorrors。
BythistimetheywereneartheCastle，andmetMissCrotchetandhercompanion，whohadturnedbacktomeetthem。CaptainFitzchromewasshortlyafterheartilywelcomedbyMr。Crotchet，andthepartyseparatedtodressfordinner，theCaptainbeingbynomeansinanenviablestateofmind，andfullofmisgivingsastotheextentofbeliefthathewasboundtoaccordtothewordsoftheladyofhisheart。
CHAPTERIV：THEPARTY
Enquoicognoissez-vouslafolieanticque？Enquoicognoissez-vouslasagessepresente？——RABELAIS。
\"IfIweresketchingabanditwhohadjustshothislastpursuer，havingoutrunalltherest，thatistheveryfaceIwouldgivehim，\"soliloquisedtheCaptain，ashestudiedthefeaturesofhisrivalinthedrawing-room，duringthemiserablehalf-hourbeforedinner，whendulnessreignspredominantoverexpectantcompany，especiallywhentheyarewaitingforsomeonelastcomer，whomtheyallheartilycurseintheirhearts，andwhom，nevertheless，orindeedtherefore-the-more，theywelcomeasasinner，moreheartilythanallthejustpersonswhohadbeenpunctualtotheirengagement。Somenewvisitorshadarrivedinthemorning，and，asthecompanydroppedinonebyone，theCaptainanxiouslywatchedtheunclosingdoorfortheformofhisbeloved：butshewasthelasttomakeherappearance，andonherentrygavehimamaliciousglance，whichheconstruedintoatelegraphiccommunicationthatshehadstayedawaytotormenthim。YoungCrotchetescortedherwithmarkedattentiontotheupperendofthedrawing-room，whereagreatportionofthecompanywascongregatedaroundMissCrotchet。
Thesebeingtheonlyladiesinthecompany，itwasevidentthatoldMr。CrotchetwouldgivehisarmtoLadyClarinda，anarrangementwithwhichtheCaptaincouldnotinterfere。Hethereforetookhisstationnearthedoor，studyinghisrivalfromadistance，anddeterminedtotakeadvantageofhispresentposition，tosecuretheseatnexttohischarmer。Hewasmeditatingonthebestmodeofoperationforsecuringthisimportantpostwithdueregardtobien-
seance，whenhewastwitchedbythebuttonbyMr。MacQuedy，whosaidtohim：\"LadyClarindatellsme，sir，thatyouareanxioustotalkwithmeonthesubjectofexchangeablevalue，fromwhichI
inferthatyouhavestudiedpoliticaleconomy，andasagreatdealdependsonthedefinitionofvalue，Ishallbegladtosetyourightonthatpoint。\"\"Iammuchobligedtoyou，sir，\"saidtheCaptain，andwasabouttoexpresshisutterdisqualificationfortheproposedinstruction，whenMr。Skionarwalkedupandsaid：
\"LadyClarindainformsmethatyouwishtotalkoverwithmethequestionofsubjectivereality。Iamdelightedtofallinwithagentlemanwhodailyappreciatesthetranscendentalphilosophy。\"
\"LadyClarindaistoogood，\"saidtheCaptain;andwasabouttoprotestthathehadneverheardtheword\"transcendental\"before，whenthebutlerannounceddinner。Mr。CrotchetledthewaywithLadyClarinda：LordBossnowlfollowedwithMissCrotchet：theeconomistandtranscendentalistpinnedintheCaptain，andheldhim，onebyeacharm，asheimpatientlydescendedthestairsintherearofseveralothersofthecompany，whomtheyhadforcedhimtoletpass;butthemomentheenteredthedining-roomhebrokeloosefromthem，andattheexpenseofalittlebrusquerie，securedhisposition。
\"Well，Captain，\"saidLadyClarinda，\"Iperceiveyoucanstillmanoeuvre。\"
\"Whatcouldpossessyou，\"saidtheCaptain，\"tosendtwounendurableandinconceivableborestointerceptmewithrubbishaboutwhichIneitherknownorcareanymorethanthemaninthemoon？\"
\"Perhaps，\"saidLadyClarinda，\"Isawyourdesign，andwishedtoputyourgeneralshiptothetest。ButdonotcontradictanythingI
havesaidaboutyou，andseeifthelearnedwillfindyouout。\"
\"Thereisfinemusic，asRabelaisobserves，inthecliquetisd’asssiettes，arefreshingshadeintheombredesalleamanger，andanelegantfragranceinthefumeederoti，\"saidavoiceattheCaptain’selbow。TheCaptainturninground，recognisedhisclericalfriendofthemorning，whoknewhimagainimmediately，andsaidhewasextremelygladtomeethimthere;moreespeciallyasLadyClarindahadassuredhimthathewasanenthusiasticloverofGreekpoetry。
\"LadyClarinda，\"saidtheCaptain，\"isaverypleasantyounglady。\"
REV。DR。FOLLIOTT。Sosheis，sir：andIunderstandshehasallthewitofthefamilytoherself，whateverthattotummaybe。Butaglassofwineaftersoupis，astheFrenchsay，theverredesante。ThecurrentofopinionsetsinfavourofHock：butIamforMadeira;IdonotfancyHocktillIhavelaidasubstratumofMadeira。Willyoujoinme？
CAPTAINFITZCHROME。Withpleasure。
REV。DR。FOLLIOTT。Hereisaveryfinesalmonbeforeme：andMayistheverypointnommetohavesalmoninperfection。Thereisafineturbotcloseby，andthereismuchtobesaidinhisbehalf：
butsalmoninMayisthekingoffish。
MR。CROTCHET。Thatsalmonbeforeyou，doctor，wascaughtintheThames，thismorning。
REV。DR。FOLLIOTT。[Greektext]。Rarityofrarities！AThamessalmoncaughtthismorning。Now，Mr。MacQuedy，eveninfishyourModernAthensmustyield。CediteGraii。
MR。MACQUEDY。Eh！sir，onitsownaround，yourThamessalmonhastwovirtuesoverallothers;first，thatitisfresh;and，second，thatitisrare;forIunderstandyoudonottakehalfadozeninayear。