CHAPTERI
THEstoryofmyheartcommencesseventeenyearsago。IntheglowofyouththereweretimeseverynowandthenwhenIfeltthenecessityofastronginspirationofsoulthought。Myheartwasdusty,parchedforwantoftherainofdeepfeeling;mymindaridanddry,forthereisadustwhichsettlesontheheartaswellasthatwhichfallsonaledge。Itisinjurioustothemindaswellastothebodytobealwaysinoneplaceandalwayssurroundedbythesamecircumstances。Aspeciesofthickclothingslowlygrowsaboutthemind,theporesarechoked,littlehabitsbecomeapartofexistence,andbydegreesthemindisinclosedinahusk。
WhenthisbegantoformIfelteagertoescapefromit,tothrowofftheheavyclothing,todrinkdeeplyoncemoreatthefreshfountationsoflife。
Aninspiration——alongdeepbreathofthepureairofthought——couldalonegivehealthtotheheart。
ThereisahilltowhichIusedtoresortatsuchperiods。Thelabourofwalkingthreemilestoit,allthewhilegraduallyascending,seemedtoclearmybloodoftheheavinessaccumulatedathome。Onawarmsummerdaytheslowcontinuedriserequiredcontinualeffort,whichcariedawaythesenseofoppression。Thefamiliareverydayscenewassoonoutofsight;I
cametoothertrees,meadows,andfields;Ibegantobreatheanewairandtohaveafresheraspirationn。Irestrainedmysoultillreachedtheswardofthehill;psyche,thesoulthatlongedtobeloose。Iwouldwritepsychealwaysinsteadofsoultoavoidmeaningswhichhavebecomeattachedtothewordsoul,butitisawkwardtodoso。
Clumsyinddeedareallwordsthemomentthewoodenstageofcommonplacelifeisleft。Irestrainedpsyche,mysoul,tillIreachedandputmyfootonthegrassatthebeginningofthegreenhillitself。Movingupthesweetshortturf,ateverystepmyheartseemedtoobtainawiderhorizonoffeeling;witheveryinhalationofrichpureair,adeeperdesire。Theverylightofthesunwaswhiterandmorebrillianthere。BythetimeIhadreachedthesummitIhadentirelyforgottenthepettycircumstancesandtheannoyancesofexistence。Ifeltmyself,myself。Therewasanintrenchmentonthesummit,andgoingdownintothefosseIwalkedrounditslowlytorecoverbreath。Onthesouth—westernsidetherewasaspotwheretheouterbankhadpartiallyslipped,leavingagap。Theretheviewwasoverabroadplain,beautifulwithwheat,andinclosedbyaperfectamphitheatreofgreenhills。
Throughthesehillstherewasonenarrowgroove,orpass,southwards,wherethewhitecloudsseemedtocloseinthehorizon。Woodshidthescatteredhamletsandfarmhouses,sothatIwasquitealone。Iwasutterlyalonewiththesunandtheearth。
Lyingdownonthegrass,Ispokeinmysoultotheearth,thesun,theair,andthedistantseafarbeyondsight。Ithoughtoftheearth’sfirmness——I
feltitbearmeup:throughthegrassycouchtherecameaninfluenceasifI
couldfeelthegreatearthspeakingtome。Ithoughtofthewanderingair——itspureness,whichisitsbeauty;theairtouchedmeandgavemesomethingofitself。Ispoketothesea:thoughsofar,inmymindIsawit,greenattherimoftheearthandblueindeeperocean;Idesiredtohaveitsstrength,itsmysteryandglory。ThenIaddressedthesun,desiringthesoulequivalentofhislightandbrilliance,hisenduranceandunweariedrace。Iturnedtotheblueheavenover,gazingintoitsdepth,inhalingitsexquisitecolourandsweetness。Therichblueoftheunattainablefloweroftheskydrewmysoultowardsit,andthereitrested,Iforpurecolourisrestofheart。ByalltheseIprayed;Ifeltanemotionofthesoulbeyondalldefinition;prayerisapunythingtoit,andthewordisarudesigntothefeeling,butI
knownoother。Bytheblueheaven,bytherollingsunburstingthroughuntroddenspace,anewoceanofethereverydayunveiled。Bythefreshandwanderingairencompassingtheworld;bytheseasoundingontheshore——thegreenseawhite—fleckedatthemarginandthedeepocean;bythestrongearthunderme。Then,returning,Iprayedbythesweetthyme,whoselittleflowersItouchedwithmyhand;bytheslendergrass;bythecrumbleofdrychalkyearthItookupandletfallthroughmyfingers。Touchingthecrumbleofearth,thebladeofgrass,thethymeflower,breathingtheearth—encirclingair,thinkingoftheseaandthesky,holdingoutmyhandforthesunbeamstotouchit,proneontheswardintokenofdeepreverence,thusIprayedthatImighttouchtotheunutterableexistenceinfinitelyhigherthandeity。
Withalltheintensityoffeelingwhichexaltedme,alltheintensecommunionIheldwiththeearth,thesunandsky,thestarshiddenbythelight,withtheocean——innomannercanthethrillingdepthofthesefeelingsbewritten——withtheseIprayed,asiftheywerethekeysofaninstrument,ofanorgan,withwhichIswelledforththenoteofmysoul,redoublingmyownvoicebytheirpower。Thegreatsunburningwithlight;
thestrongearth,dearearth;thewarmsky;thepureair;thethoughtofocean;theinexpressiblebeautyofallfilledmewitharapture,anecstasy,andinflatus。Withthisinflatus,too,I
prayed。NexttomyselfIcameandrecalledmyself,mybodilyexistence。I
heldoutmyhand,thesunlightgleamedontheskinandtheiridescentnails;Irecalledthemysteryandbeautyoftheflesh。IthoughtofthemindwithwhichIcouldseetheoceansixtymilesdistant,andgathertomyselfitsglory。Ithoughtofmyinnerexistence,thatconsciousnesswhichiscalledthesoul。These,thatis,myself——Ithrewintothebalancetoweighttheprayertheheavier。Mystrengthofbody,mindandsoul,Iflungintoit;Ibutforthmystrength;I
wrestledandlaboured,andtoiledinmightofprayer。Theprayer,thissoul—emotionwasinitself—notforanobject—itwasapassion。Ihidmyfaceinthegrass,Iwaswhollyprostrated,Ilostmyselfinthewrestle,I
wasraptandcarriedaway。
Becomingcalmer,Ireturnedtomyselfandthought,reclininginraptthought,fullofaspiration,steepedtothelipsofmysoulindesire。I
didnotthendefine,oranalyses,orunderstandthis。IseenowthatwhatI
labouredforwassoul—life,moresoul—nature,tobeexalted,tobefullofsoul—learning。FinallyIrose,walkedhalfamileorsoalongthesummitofthehilleastwards,tosoothemyselfandcometothecommonwaysoflifeagain。Hadanyshepherdaccidentallyseenmelyingontheturf,hewouldonlyhavethoughtthatIwasrestingafewminutes;Imadenooutwardshow。
WhocouldhaveimaginedthewhirlwindofpassionthatwasgoingonwithinmeasIreclinedthere!IwasgreatlyexhaustedwhenIreachedhome。
OccasionallyIwentuponthehilldeliberately,deemingitgoodtodoso;
then,again,thiscravingcarriedmeawayupthereofitself。Thoughtheprincipalfeelingwasthesame,therewerevariationsinthemodeinwhichitaffectedme。
SometimesonlyingdownontheswardIfirstlookedupatthesky,gazingforalongtimetillIcouldseedeepintotheazureandmyeyeswerefullofthecolour;thenIturnedmyfacetothegrassandthyme,placingmyhandsateachsideofmyfacesoastoshutouteverythingandhidemyself。Havingdrunkdeeplyoftheheavenaboveandfeltthemostgloriousbeautyoftheday,andrememberingtheold,old,sea,which(asitseemedtome)wasbutjustyonderattheedge,Inowbecamelost,andabsorbedintothebeingorexistenceoftheuniverse。Ifeltdowndeepintotheearthunder,andhighaboveintothesky,andfartherstilltothesunandstars。Stillfartherbeyondthestarsintothehollowofspace,andlosingthusmyseparatenessofbeingcametoseemlikeapartofthewhole。ThenIwhisper—edtotheearthbeneath,throughthegrassandthyme,downintothedepthofitsear,andagainuptothestarryspacehidbehindtheblueofday。Travellinginaninstantacrossthedistantsea,Isawasifwithactualvisionthepalmsandcocoanuttrees,thebamboosofIndia,andthecedarsoftheextremesouth。
Likealakewithislandstheoceanlaybeforeme,asclearandvividastheplainbeneathinthemidstoftheamphitheatreofhills。
Withthegloryofthegreatsea,Isaid,withthefirm,solid,andsustainingearth;thedepth,distance,andexpanseofether;
theage,tamelessness,andceaselessmotionoftheocean;thestars,andtheunknowninspace;byallthosethingswhicharemostpowerfulknowntome,andbythosewhichexist,butofwhichIhavenoideawhatever,Ipray。Further,bymyownsoul,thatsecretexistencewhichaboveallotherthingsbearsthenearestresemblancetotheidealofspirit,infinitelynearerthanearth,sun,orstar。Speakingbyaninclinationtowards,notinwords,mysoulpraysthatImayhavesomethingfromeachofthese,thatImaygatheraflowerfromthem,thatImayhaveinmyselfthesecretandmeaningoftheearth,thegoldensun,thelight,thefoam—fleckedsea。Letmysoulbecomeenlarged;Iamnotenough;Iamlittleandcontemptible。Idesireagreat—nessofsoul,anirradianceofmind,adeeperinsight,abroaderhope。Givemepowerofsoul,sothatImayactuallyeffectbyitswillthatwhichIstrivefor。
Inwinter,thoughIcouldnotthenrestonthegrass,orstaylongenoughtoformanydefiniteexpression,Istillwentuptothehilloncenowandthen,foritseemedthattomerelyvisitthespotrepeatedallthatIhadpreviouslysaid。Butitwasnotonlythen。
InsummerIwentoutintothefields,andletmysoulinspirethesethoughtsunderthetrees,standingagainstthetrunk,orlookingupthroughthebranchesatthesky。Iftreescouldspeak,hundredsofthemwouldsaythatIhadhadthesesoul—emotionsunderthem。Leaningagainsttheoak’smassivetrunk,andfeelingtheroughbarkandthelichenatmyback,lookingsouthwardsoverthegrassyfields,cowslip—yellow,atthewoodsontheslope,Ithoughtmydesireofdeepersoul—life。Orunderthegreenfirs,lookingupwards,theskywasmoredeeplyblueattheirtops;thenthebrakefernwasunroll—
ing,thedovescooing,thethicketsastir,thelateash—leavescomingforth。Undertheshapelyroundedelms,bythehawthornbushesandhazel,everywherethesamedeepdesireforthesoul—nature;tohavefromallgreenthingsandfromthesunlighttheinnermeaningwhichwasnotknowntothem,thatImightbefulloflightasthewoodsofthesun’srays。Justtotouchthelichenedbarkofatree,ortheendofasprayprojectingoverthepathasIwalked,seemedtorepeatthesameprayerinme。
Thelong—livedsummerdaysdriedandwarmedtheturfinthemeadows。Iusedtoliedowninsolitarycornersatfulllengthonmyback,soastofeeltheembraceoftheearth。Thegrassstoodhighaboveme,andtheshadowsofthetree—branchesdancedonmyface。Ilookedupatthesky,withhalfclosedeyestobearthedazzlinglight。Beesbuzzedoverme,sometimesabutterflypassed,therewasahumintheair,greenfinchessanginthehedge。Graduallyenteringintotheintenselifeofthesummerdays——alifewhichburnedaroundasifeverygrassbladeandleafwereatorch——Icametofeelthelongdrawnlifeoftheearthbackintothedimmestpast,whilethesunofthemomentwaswarmonme。Sesostrisonthemostancientsandsofthesouth,inancient,ancientdays,wasconsciousofhimselfandofthesun。Thissunlightlinkedmethroughtheagestothatpastconsciousness。Fromalltheagesmysouldesiredtotakethatsoul—lifewhichhadflowedthroughthemasthesunbeamshadcontinuallypouredonearth。Asthehotsandstakeuptheheat,sowouldItakeupthatsoul—energy。Dreamyinappearance,I
wasbreathingfullofexistence;Iwasawareofthegrassblades,theflowers,theleavesonhawthornandtree。Iseemedtolivemorelargelythroughthem,asifeachwereaporethroughwhichIdrank。
Thegrasshopperscalledandleaped,thegreenfinchessang,theblackbirdshappilyfluted,alltheairhummedwithlife。Iwasplungeddeepinexistence,andwithallthatexistenceIprayed。
Througheverygrassbladeinthethousand,thousandgrasses;
throughthemillionleaves,veinedandedge—cut,onbushandtree;throughthesong—notesandthemarkedfeathersofthebirds;throughtheinsects’humandthecolourofthebutterflies;throughthesoftwarmair,theflecksofcloudsdissolving——Iusedthemallforprayer。WithalltheenergythesunbeamshadpouredunweariedontheearthsinceSesostriswasconsciousofthemontheancientsands;withallthelifethathadbeenlivedbyvigorousmanandbeauteouswomansincefirstindearestGreecethedreamofthegodswaswoven;withallthesoul—lifethathadflowedalongstreamdowntome,IprayedthatImighthaveasoulmorethanequalto,farbeyondmyconceptionof,thesethingsofthepast,thepresent,andthefulnessofalllife。Notonlyequaltothese,butbeyond,higher,andmorepowerfulthanIcouldimagine。ThatImighttakefromalltheirenergy,grandeur,andbeauty,andgatheritintome。Thatmysoulmightbemorethanthecosmosoflife。
Iprayedwiththeglowingcloudsofsun—setandthesoftlightofthefirststarcomingthroughthevioletsky。Atnightwiththestars,accordingtotheseason:nowwiththePleiades,nowwiththeSwanorburningSirius,andbroadOrion’swholeconstellation,redAldebaran,Arcturus,andtheNorthernCrown;
withthemorningstar,thelightbringer,oncenowandthenwhenIsawit,awhite—goldballintheviolet—purplesky,orframedaboutwithpalesummervapourfloatingawayasredstreaksshothorizontallyintheeast。Adiffusedsaffronascendedintotheluminousupperazure。Thediskofthesunroseoverthehill,fluctuatingwiththrobsoflight;hischestheavedinfervourofbrilliance。Allthegloryofthesunrisefilledmewithbroaderandfurnace—likevehemenceofprayer。ThatImighthavethedeepestofsoul—life,thedeepestofall,deeperfarthanallthisgreatnessofthevisibleuniverseandevenoftheinvisible;thatImighthaveafulnessofsoultillnowunknown,andutterlybeyondmyownconception。
Inthedeepestdarknessofthenightthesamethoughtroseinmymindasinthebrightlightofnoontide。WhatistherewhichI
havenotusedtostrengthenthesameemotion?
CHAPTERII
SOMETIMESIwenttoadeep,narrowvalleyinthehills,silentandsolitary。
Theskycrossedfromsidetoside,likearoofsupportedontwowallsofgreen。Sparrowschirpedinthewheatatthevergeabove,theircallsfallinglikethetwitteringofswallowsfromtheair。Therewasnoothersound。Theshortgrasswasdriedgreyasitgrewbytheheat;thesunhungoverthenarrowvaleasifithadbeenputtherebyhand。Burning,burning,thesunglowedontheswardatthefootoftheslopewherethesethoughtsburnedintome。Howmany,manyyears,howmanycyclesofyears,howmanybundlesofcyclesofyears,hadthesungloweddownthusonthathollow?
Sinceitwasformedhowlong?Sinceitwaswornandshaped,groove—like,intheflanksofthehillsbymightyforceswhichhadebbed。Alonewiththesunwhichglowedontheworkwhenitwasdone,Isawbackthroughspacetotheoldtimeoftree—ferns,ofthelizardflyingthroughtheair,thelizard—dragonwallowinginseafoam,themountainouscreatures,twice—elephantine,feedingonland;allthecrookedsequenceoflife。Thedragon—flywhichpassedmetracedacontinuousdescentfromtheflymarkedonstoneinthosedays。Theimmensetimeliftedmelikeawaverollingunderaboat;mymindseemedtoraiseitselfastheswellofthecyclescame;itfeltstrongwiththepoweroftheages。WithallthattimeandpowerIprayed:thatImighthaveinmysoultheintellectualpartofit;theidea,thethought。Likeashuttlethemindshottoandfrothepastandthepresent,inaninstant。
Fulltothebrimofthewondrouspast,Ifeltthewondrouspresent。Fortheday——theverymomentIbreathed,thatsecondoftimetheninthevalley,wasasmarvellous,asgrand,asallthathadgonebefore。Now,thismomentwasthewonderandtheglory。Now,thismomentwasexceedinglywonder—
ful。Now,thismomentgivemeallthethought,alltheidea,alithesoulexpressedinthecosmosaroundme。Givemestillmore,fortheinterminableuniverse,pastandpresent,isbutearth;givemetheunknownsoul,whollyapartfromit,thesoulofwhichIknowonlythatwhenItouchtheground,whenthesunlighttouchesmyhand,itisnotthere。Thereforetheheartlooksintospacetobeawayfromearth。Withallthecycles,andthesunlightstreamingthroughthem,withallthatismeantbythepresent,Ithoughtinthedeepvaleandprayed。
TherewasasecludedspringtowhichIsometimeswenttodrinkthepurewater,liftingitinthehollowofmyhand。Drinkingthelucidwater,clearaslightitselfinsolution,Iabsorbedthebeautyandpurityofit。Idrankthethoughtoftheelement;Idesiredsoul—naturepureandlimpid。WhenIsawthesparklingdewonthegrass——arainbowbrokenintodrops——itcalledupthesamethought—prayer。Thestormywindwhosesuddentwistslaidthetreesonthegroundwokethesamefeeling;myheartshoutedwithit。ThesoftsummerairwhichenteredwhenI
openedmywindowinthemorningbreathedthesamesweetdesire。
Atnight,beforesleeping,Ialwayslookedoutattheshadowytrees,thehillsloomingindistinctlyinthedark,astarseenbetweenthedriftingclouds;prayerofsoul—lifealways。Ichosethehighestroom,bareandgaunt,becauseasIsatatworkIcouldlookoutandseemoreofthewideearth,moreofthedomeofthesky,andcouldthinkmydesirethroughthese。
Whenthecrescentofthenewmoonshone,alltheoldthoughtswererenewed。
AllthesucceedingincidentsoftheyearrepeatedmyprayerasInotedthem。Thefirstgreenleafonthehawthorn,thefirstspikeofmeadowgrass,thefirstsongofthenightingale,thegreenearofwheat。Ispokeitwiththeearofwheatasthesuntinteditgolden;withthewhiteningbarley;againwiththeredgoldspotsofautumnonthebeech,thebuffoakleaves,andthegossamerdew—weighted。
Allthelarksoverthegreencornsangitforme,allthedearswallows;thegreenleavesrustledit;thegreenbrookflagswavedit;theswallowstookitwiththemtorepeatitformeindistantlands。BytherunningbrookI
meditatedit;aflashofsunlighthereinthecurve,aflickeryonderontheripples,thebirdsbathinginthesandyshallow,therushoffallingwater。
Asthebrookranwindingthroughthemeadow,soonethoughtranwindingthroughmydays。
ThesciencesIstudiednevercheckeditforamoment;nordidthebooksofoldphilosophy。Thesunwasstrongerthanscience;
thehillsmorethanphilosophy。Twicecircumstancesgavemeabriefviewoftheseathenthepassionrosetumultuousasthewaves。Itwasverybittertometoleavethesea。
SometimesIspentthewholedaywalkingoverthehillssearchingforit;asifthelabourofwalkingwouldforceitfromtheground。Iremainedinthewoodsforhours,amongtheashspraysandtheflutteringofthering—dovesattheirnests,thescentofpineshereandthere,dreamingmyprayer。
Myworkwasmostuncongenialanduseless,buteventhensometimesagleamofsunlightonthewall,thebuzzofabeeatthewindow,wouldbringthethoughttome。Onlytomakememiserable,foritwasawasteofgoldentimewhiletherichsunlightstreamedonhillandplain。Therewasawrenchingofthemind,astrainingofthementalsinews;Iwasforcedtodothis,mymindwasyonder。Weariness,exhaustion,nerve—illnessoftenensued。Theinsultswhichareshoweredonpoverty,longstruggleoflabour,theheavypressureofcircumstances,theunhappiness,onlystayedtheexpressionofthefeeling。Itwasalwaysthere。OfteninthestreetsofLondon,astheredsunsetflamedoverthehouses,theoldthought,theoldprayer,came。
Notonlyingrassyfieldswithgreenleafandrunningbrookdidthisconstantdesirefindrenewal。Moredeeplystillwithlivinghumanbeauty;theperfectionofform,thesimplefactofform,ravishedandalwayswillravishmeaway。Inthisliestheoutcomeandendofallthelovelinessofsunshineandgreenleaf,offlowers,purewater,andsweetair。Thisisembodimentandhighestex—pression;thescattered,uncertain,anddesignlesslovelinessoftreeandsunlightbroughttoshape。ThroughthisbeautyIprayeddeepestandlongest,anddowntothishour。Theshape——thedivineideaofthatshape——theswellingmuscleorthedreamylimb,strongsineworcurveofbust,AphroditeorHercules,itisthesame。ThatImayhavethesoul—life,thesoul—nature,letdivinebeautybringtomedivinesoul。SwartNubian,whiteGreek,delicateItalian,massiveScandinavian,inalltheexquisitepleasuretheformgave,andgives,tomeimmediatelybecomesintenseprayer。
IfIcouldhavebeeninphysicalshapelikethese,howdespicableincomparisonIam;tobeshapelyofformissoinfinitelybeyondwealth,power,fame,allthatambitioncangive,thatthesearedustbeforeit。Unlessofthehumanform,nopicturesholdme;
therestareflatsurfaces。So,too,withtheotherarts,theyaredead;thepotters,thearchitects,meaningless,stony,andsomerepellent,likethecoldtouchofporcelain。Noprayerwiththese。Onlythehumanforminartcouldraiseit,andmostinstatuary。Ihaveseensolittlegoodstatuary,itisaregrettome;still,thatIhaveisbeyondallotherart。Fragmentshere,abustyonder,thebrokenpiecesbroughtfromGreece,copies,plastercasts,amemoryofanAphrodite,ofaPersephone,ofanApollo,thatisall;butevendrawingsofstatuarywillraisetheprayer。
Thesestatueswerelikemyselffullofathought,foreverabouttoburstforthasabud,yetsilentinthesameattitude。
Givemetolivethesoul—lifetheyexpress。ThesmallestfragmentofmarblecarvedintheshapeofthehumanarmwillwakethedesireIfeltinmyhill—prayer。
Timewenton;goodfortuneandsuccessneverforaninstantdeceivedmethattheywereinthemselvestobesought;onlymysoul—thoughtwasworthy。Furtheryearsbringingmuchsuffering,grindingtheverylifeout;newtroubles,renewedinsults,lossofwhathardlabourhadearned,thebitterquestion:Isitnotbettertoleapintothesea?These,too,havemadenoimpression;constantstilltotheformerprayermymindendures。
ItwasmychiefregretthatIhadnotendeavouredtowritethesethings,togiveexpressiontothispassion。Iamnowtrying,butIseethatIshallonlyinpartsucceed。
Thesameprayercomestomeatthisveryhour。Itisnowlesssolelyassociatedwiththesunandsea,hills,woods,orbeauteoushumanshape。Itisalwayswithin。Itrequiresnowaking;norenewal;itisalwayswithme。Iamit;thefactofmyexistenceexpressesit。AfteralongintervalIcametothehillsagain,thistimebythecoast。
Ifoundadeephollowonthesideofagreathill,agreenconcaveopeningtothesea,whereIcouldrestandthinkinperfectquiet。Behindmewerefurzebushesdriedbytheheat;immediatelyinfrontdroppedthesteepdescentofthebowl—likehollowwhichreceivedandbroughtuptomethefaintsoundofthesummerwaves。Yonderlaytheimmenseplainofsea,thepalestgreenunderthecontinuedsunshine,asthoughtheheathadevaporatedthecolourfromit;therewasnodistincthorizon,aheat—mistincloseditandlookedfartherawaythanthehorizonwouldhavedone。Silenceandsunshine,seaandhillgraduallybroughtmymindintotheconditionofintenseprayer。Dayafterday,forhoursatatime,Icamethere,mysoul—desirealwaysthesame。PresentlyIbegantoconsiderhowIcouldputapartofthatprayerintoform,givingitanobject。CouldIbringitintosuchashapeaswouldadmitofactuallyworkinguponthelinesitindicatedforanygood?
Oneevening,whenthebrightwhitestarinLyrawasshiningalmostatthezenithoverme,andthedeepconcavewasthemoreprofoundinthedusk,Iformulateditintothreedivisions。
First,IdesiredthatImightdoorfindsomethingtoexaltthesoul,somethingtoenableittoliveitsownlife,amorepowerfulexistencenow。Secondly,Idesiredtobeabletodosomethingfortheflesh,tomakeadiscoveryorperfectamethodbywhichthefleshlybodymightenjoymorepleasure,longerlife,andsufferlesspain。Thirdly,toconstructamoreflexibleenginewithwhichtocarryintoexecutionthedesignofthewill。IcalledthistheLyraprayer,todistinguishitfromthefardeeperemotioninwhichthesoulwasaloneconcerned。
Ofthethreedivisions,thelastwasofsolittleimportancethatitscarcelydeservedtobenamedinconjunctionwiththeothers。Mechanismincreasesconvenience——innodegreedoesitconferphysicalormoralperfection。Therudimentaryenginesemployedthousandsofyearsagoinraisingbuildingswereinthatrespectequaltothecomplicatedmachinesofthepresentday。Controlofironandsteelhasnotalteredorimprovedthebodilyman。Ievendebatedsometimewhethersuchathirddivisionshouldbeincludedatall。Ourbodiesarenowconveyedallroundtheworldwithease,butobtainnoadvantage。Astheystartsotheyreturn。Themostperfecthumanfamiliesofancienttimeswerealmoststationary,asthoseofGreece。PerfectionofformwasfoundinSparta;howsmallaspotcomparedtothosecontinentsoverwhichwearenowtakensoquickly!Suchperfectionofformmightperhapsagaindwell,contentedandcompleteinitself,onsuchastripoflandasIcouldseebetweenmeandthesandofthesea。Again,awatchkeepingcorrecttimeisnoguaranteethatthebearershallnotsufferpain。Theownerofthewatchmaybesoulless,withoutmind—fire,amerecreature。Nobenefittotheheartortothebodyaccruesfromthemostaccuratemechanism。
HenceIdebatedwhetherthethirddivisionshouldbeincluded。
ButIreflectedthattimecannotbeputbackonthedial,wecannotreturntoSparta;thereisanexistentstateofthings,andexistentmultitudes;andpossiblyamorepowerfulengine,flexibletothewill,mightgivethemthatfreedomwhichistheone,andtheoneonly,politicalorsocialideaIpossess。Forliberty,therefore,letitbeincluded。
Fortheflesh,thisarmofmine,thelimbsofothersgracefullymoving,letmefindsomethingthatwillgivethemgreaterper—
fection。Thatthebonesmaybefirmer,somewhatlargerifthatwouldbeanadvantage,certainlystronger,thatthecartilageandsinewsmaybemoreenduring,andthemusclesmorepowerful,somethingafterthemannerofthoseideallimbsandmusclessculpturedofold,theseinthefleshandreal。Thattheorgansofthebodymaybestrongerintheiraction,perfect,andlasting。Thattheexteriorfleshmaybeyetmorebeautiful;thattheshapemaybefiner,andthemotionsgraceful。ThesearethesoberestwordsIcanfind,purposelychosen;forIamsoraptinthebeautyofthehumanform,andsoearnestly,soinexpressibly,prayerfultoseethatformperfect,thatmyfullthoughtisnottobewritten。Unabletoexpressitfully,Ihaveconsidereditbesttoputitinthesimplestmannerofwords。Ibelieveinthehumanform;letmefindsomething,somemethod,bywhichthatformmayachievetheutmostbeauty。Itsbeautyislikeanarrow,whichmaybeshotanydistanceaccordingtothestrengthofthebow。Sotheideaexpressedinthehumanshapeiscapableofindefiniteexpansionandelevationofbeauty。
Ofthemind,theinnerconsciousness,thesoul,myprayerdesiredthatImightdiscoveramodeoflifeforit,sothatitmightnotonlyconceiveofsuchalife,butactuallyenjoyitontheearth。Iwishedtosearchoutanewandhighersetofideasonwhichthemindshouldwork。Thesimileofanewbookofthesoulisthenearesttoconveythemeaning——abookdrawnfromthepresentandfuture,notthepast。Insteadofasetofideasbasedontradition,letmegivethemindanewthoughtdrawnstraightfromthewondrouspresent,directthisveryhour。Next,tofurnishthesoulwiththemeansofexecutingitswill,ofcarryingthoughtintoaction。Inotherwords,forthesoultobecomeapower。ThesethreeformedtheLyraprayer,ofwhichthetwofirstareimmeasurablytheinmoreimportant。Ibelieveinthehumanbeing,mindandflesh;formandsoul。
IthappenedjustafterwardsthatIwenttoPevensey,andimmediatelytheancientwallsweptmymindbackseventeenhundredyearstotheeagle,thepilum,andtheshortsword。Thegreystones,thethinredbrickslaidbythosewhoseeyeshadseenCaesar’sRome,liftedmeoutofthegraspofhouse—life,ofmoderncivilisation,ofthoseminutiaewhichoccupythemoment。ThegreystonemademefeelasifIhadexistedfromthentillnow,sostronglydidIenterintoandseemyownlifeasifreflected。Myownexistencewasfocusedbackonme;
Isawitsjoy,itsunhappiness,itsbirth,itsdeath,itspossibilitiesamongtheinfinite,aboveallitsyearningQuestion。Why?Seeingitthusclearly,andliftedoutofthemomentbytheforceofseventeencenturies,Irecognisedthefullmysteryandthedepthsofthingsintherootsofthedrygrassonthewall,inthegreenseaflowingnear。IsthereanythingIcando?Themysteryandthepossibilitiesarenotintherootsofthegrass,noristhedepthofthingsinthesea;theyareinmyexistence,inmysoul。Themarvelofexistence,almosttheterrorofit,wasflungonmewithcrushingforcebythesea,thesunshining,thedistanthills。Withalltheirponderousweighttheymademefeelmyself:allthetime,allthecenturiesmademefeelmyselfthismomentahundred—fold。I
determinedthatIwouldendeavourtowritewhatIhadsolongthoughtof,andthesameeveningputdownonesentence。Therethesentenceremainedtwoyears。Itriedtocarryiton;IhesitatedbecauseIcouldnotexpressit:norcanInow,thoughindesperationIamthrowingtheserudestonesofthoughttogether,rudeasthoseoftheancientwall。
CHAPTERIII
THEREweregrass—growntumulionthehillstowhichofoldIusedtowalk,sitdownatthefootofoneofthem,andthink。Somewarriorhadbeeninterredthereintheantehistorictimes。Thesunofthesummermorningshoneonthedomeofsward,andtheaircamesoftlyupfromthewheatbelow,thetipsofthegrassesswayedasitpassedsighingfaintly,itceased,andthebeeshummedbytothethymeandheathbells。Ibecameabsorbedinthegloryoftheday,thesunshine,thesweetair,theyellowingcornturningfromitssappygreentosummer’snoonofgold,thelark’ssonglikeawaterfallinthesky。IfeltatthatmomentthatIwaslikethespiritofthemanwhosebodywasinterredinthetumulus;Icouldunderstandandfeelhisexistencethesameasmyown。HewasasrealtometwothousandyearsafterintermentasthoseIhadseeninthebody。Theabstractpersonalityofthedeadseemedasexistentasthought。Asmythoughtcouldslipbackthetwentycenturiesinamomenttotheforest—dayswhenhehurledthespear,orshotwiththebow,huntingthedeer,andcouldreturnagainasswiftlytothismoment,sohisspiritcouldendurefromthentillnow,andthetimewasnothing。
Twothousandyearsbeingasecondtothesoulcouldnotcauseitsextinction。Itwasnolongertothesoulthanmythoughtoccupiedtome。
Recognisingmyowninnerconsciousness,thepsyche,soclearly,deathdidnotseemtometoaffectthepersonality。Indissolutiontherewasnobridgelesschasm,nounfathomablegulfofseparation;thespiritdidnotimmediatelybecomeinaccesible,leapingataboundtoanimmeasurabledistance。Lookatanotherpersonwhileliving;
thesoulisnotvisible,onlythebodywhichitanimates。Therefore,merelybecauseafterdeaththesoulisnotvisibleisnodemonstrationthatitdoesnotstilllive。
Theconditionofbeingunseenisthesameconditionwhichoccurswhilethebodyisliving,sothatintrinsicallythereisnothingexceptionable,orsupernatural,inthelifeofthesoulafterdeath。Restingbythetumulus,thespiritofthemanwhohadbeeninterredtherewastomereallyalive,andveryclose。Thiswasquitenatural,asnaturalandsimpleasthegrasswavinginthewind,thebeeshumming,andthelarks’songs。
OnlybythestrongesteffortofthemindcouldIunderstandtheideaofextinction;thatwassupernatural,requiringamiracle;theimmortalityofthesoulnatural,likeearth。ListeningtothesighingofthegrassIfeltimmortalityasIfeltthebeautyofthesummermorning,andIthoughtbeyondimmortality,ofotherconditions,morebeautifulthanexistence,higherthanimmortality。
Thatthereisnoknowing,inthesenseofwrittenreasons,whetherthesoullivesonornot,Iamfullyaware。Idonothopeorfear。AtleastwhileIamlivingIhaveenjoyedtheideaofimmortality,andtheideaofmyownsoul。Ifthen,afterdeath,Iamresolvedwithoutexceptionintoearth,air,andwater,andthespiritgoesoutlikeaflame,stillIshallhavehadthegloryofthatthought。
Ithappenedoncethatamanwasdrownedwhilebathing,andhisbodywasplacedinanouthousenearthegarden。Ipassedtheouthousecontinually,sometimesonpurposetothinkaboutit,anditalwaysseemedtomethatthemanwasstillliving。
Separationisnottobecomprehended;thespiritofthemandidnotappeartohavegonetoaninconceivabledistance。AsmythoughtflashesitselfbackthroughthecenturiestotheluxuryofCanopus,andcanseethegildedcouchesofacityextinct,soitslipsthroughthefuture,andimmeasurabletimeinfrontisnobounandarytoit。Certainlythemanwasnotdeadtome。
Sweetlythesummeraircameuptothetumulus,thegrasssighedsoftly,thebutterflieswentby,sometimesalightingonthegreendome。Twothousandyears!Summeraftersummerthebluebutterflieshadvisitedthemound,thethymehadflowered,thewindsighedinthegrass。Theazuremorninghadspreaditsarmsoverthelowtomb;andfullglowingnoonburnedonit;thepurpleofsunsetrosiedthesward。Stars,ruddyinthevapourofthesouthernhorizon,beamedatmidnightthroughthemysticsummernight,whichisduskyandyetfulloflight。Whitemistssweptupandhidit;dewsrestedontheturf;tenderharebellsdrooped;thewingsofthefinchesfannedtheair——fincheswhosecoloursfadedfromthewingshowmanycenturiesago!
Brownautumndweltinthewoodsbeneath;therimeofwinterwhitenedthebeechclumpontheridge;againthebudscameonthewind—blownhawthornbushes,andintheeveningthebroadconstellationofOrioncoveredtheeast。Twothousandtimes!Twothousandtimesthewoodsgrewgreen,andring—dovesbuilttheirnests。Dayandnightfortwothousandyears——lightandshadowsweepingoverthemound——twothousandyearsoflabourbydayandslumberbynight。Mysterygleaminginthestars,pouringdowninthesunshine,speakinginthenight,thewonderofthesunandoffarspace,fortwentycenturiesroundaboutthislowandgreen—growndome。YetallthatmysteryandwonderisasnothingtotheThoughtthatliestherein,tothespiritthatIfeelsoclose。
Realisingthatspirit,recognisingmyowninnerconsciousness,thepsyche,soclearly,Icannotunderstandtime。Itiseternitynow。Iaminthemidstofit。Itisaboutmeinthesunshine;Iaminit,asthebutterflyfloatsinthelight—ladenair。Nothinghastocome;itisnow。Nowiseternity;nowistheimmortallife。Herethismoment,bythistumulus,onearth,now;Iexistinit。Theyears,thecenturies,thecyclesareabsolutelynothing;itisonlyamomentsincethistumuluswasraised;inathousandyearsitwillstillbeonlyamoment。Tothesoulthereisnopastandnofuture;allisandwillbeever,innow。Forartificialpurposestimeismutuallyagreedon,butisreallynosuchthing。Theshadowgoesonuponthedial,theindexmovesroundupontheclock,andwhatisthedifference?Nonewhatever。Iftheclockhadneverbeensetgoing,whatwouldhavebeenthedifference?
Theremaybetimefortheclock,theclockmaymaketimeforitself;thereisnoneforme。
Idipmyhandinthebrookandfeelthestream;inaninstanttheparticlesofwaterwhichfirsttouchedmehavefloatedyardsdownthecurrent,myhandremainsthere。Itakemyhandaway,andtheflow——thetime——ofthebrookdoesnotexisttome。
Thegreatclockofthefirmament,thesunandthestars,thecrescentmoon,theearthcirclingtwothousandtimes,isnomoretomethantheflowofthebrookwhenmyhandiswithdrawn;mysoulhasneverbeen,andnevercanbe,dippedintime。Timehasneverexisted,andneverwill;itisapurelyartificialarrangement。Itiseternitynow,italwayswaseternity,andalwayswillbe。BynopossiblemeanscouldIgetintotimeifItried。Iamineternitynowandmustthereremain。Hastenot,beatrest,thisNowiseternity。Becausetheideaoftimehasleftmymind——ifeverithadanyholdonit——tomethemaninterredinthetumulusislivingnowasIlive。
Wearebothineternity。
Thereisnoseparation—nopast;eternity,theNow,iscontinuous。WhenallthestarshaverevolvedtheyonlyproduceNowagain。ThecontinuityofNowisforever。Sothatitappearstomepurelynatural,andnotsupernatural,thatthesoulwhosetemporaryframewasinterredinthismoundshouldbeexistingasIsitonthesward。Howinfinitelydeeperisthoughtthanthemillionmilesofthefirmament!Thewonderishere,notthere;now,nottobe,nowalways。Thingsthathavebeenmiscalledsupernaturalappeartomesimple,morenaturalthannature,thanearth,thansea,orsun。ItisbeyondtellingmorenaturalthatIshouldhaveasoulthannot,thatthereshouldbeimmortality;Ithinkthereismuchmorethanimmortality。Itismatterwhichisthesupernatural,anddifficultofunder—standing。WhythisclodofearthIholdinmyhand?Whythiswaterwhichdropssparklingfrommyfingersdippedinthebrook?
Whyaretheyatall?When?How?Whatfor?Matterisbeyondunderstanding,mysterious,impenetrable;Itouchiteasily,comprehendit,no。Soul,mind——thethought,theidea——iseasilyunderstood,itunderstandsitselfandisconscious。
Thesupernaturalmiscalled,thenaturalintruth,isthereal。
Tomeeverythingissupernatural。Howstrangethatconditionofmindwhichcannotacceptanythingbuttheearth,thesea,thetangibleuniverse!
Withoutthemisnamedsupernaturalthesetomeseemincomplete,unfinished。
Withoutsoulallthesearedead。ExceptwhenIwalkbythesea,andmysoulisbyit,theseaisdead。Thoseseasbywhichnomanhasstood——whichnosoulhasbeen——whetheronearthortheplanets,aredead。Nomatterhowmajestictheplanetrollsinspace,unlessasoulbethereitisdead。AsI
moveaboutinthesunshineIfeelinthemidstofthesupernatural:inthemidstofimmortalthings。Itisimpossibbletowresttheminddowntothesamelawsthatrulepiecesoftimber,water,orearth。Theydonotcontrolthesoul,howeverrigidlytheymaybindmatter。SofullamIalwaysofasenseoftheimmortalitynowatthismomentroundaboutme,thatitwouldnotsurprisemeintheleastifacircumstanceoutsidephysicalexperienceoccurred。Itwouldseemtomequitenatural。Givethesoulthepoweritconceives,andtherewouldbenothingwonderfulinit。
Icanseenothingastonishinginwhatarecalledmiracles。
Onlythosewhoaremesmerisedbymattercanfindadifficultyinsuchevents。Iamawarethattheevidenceformiraclesislogicallyandhistoricallyuntrustworthy;Iamnotdefendingrecordedmiracles。MypointisthatinprincipleIseenoreasonatallwhytheyshouldnottakeplacethisday。Idonotevensaythatthereareoreverhavebeenmiracles,butImaintainthattheywouldbeperfectlynatural。Thewonderratheristhattheydonothappenfrequently。Considerthelimitlessconceptionsofthesoul:letitpossessbutthepowertorealisethoseconceptionsforonehour,andhowlittle,howtriflingwouldbethehelpingoftheinjuredorthesicktoregainhealthandhappiness——merelytothinkit。Asoul—workwouldrequirebutathought。
Soul—workisanexpressionbettersuitedtomymeaningthan\"miracle,\"atermlikeothersintowhichaspecialsensehasbeeninfused。
WhenIconsiderthatIdwellthismomentintheeternalNowthathaseverbeenandwillbe,thatIaminthemidstofimmortalthingsthismoment,thatthereprobablyareSoulsasinfinitelysuperiortomineasminetoapieceoftimber,whatthen,pray,isa\"miracle\"?Ascommonlyunderstood,a\"miracle\"isamerenothing。Icanconceivesoul—worksdonebysimplewillorthoughtathousandtimesgreater。
Imarvelthattheydonothappenthismoment。Theair,thesunlight,thenight,allthatsurroundsmeseemscrowdedwithinexpressiblepowers,withtheinfluenceofSouls,orexistences,sothatIwalkinthemidstofimmortalthings。Imyselfamalivingwitnessofit。
SometimesIhaveconcentratedmyself,anddrivenawaybycontinuedwillallsenseofoutwardappearances,lookingstraightwiththefullpowerofmymindinwardsonmyself。
Ifind\"I\"amthere;an\"I\"Idonotwhollyunderstand,orknow——somethingistheredistinctfromearthandtimber,fromfleshandbones。Recognisingit,Ifeelonthemarginofalifeunknown,verynear,almosttouchingit:
onthevergeofpowerswhichifIcouldgraspwouldgivemeanimmensebreadthofexistence,anabilitytoexecutewhatInowonlyconceive;mostprobablyoffarmorethanthat。Toseethat\"I\"istoknowthatIamsurroundedwithimmortalthings。If,whenIdie,that\"I\"alsodies,andbecomesextinct,stilleventhenIhavehadtheexaltationoftheseideas。
Howmanywordsithastakentodescribesobrieflythefeelingsandthethoughtsthatcametomebythetumulus;thoughtsthatsweptpastandweregone,andweresucceededbyotherswhileyettheshadowofthemoundhadnotmovedfromonethymeflowertoanother,notthebreadthofagrassblade。Softlybreathedthesweetsouthwind,gentlytheyellowcornwavedbeneath;theancient,ancientsunshoneonthefreshgrassandtheflower,myheartopenedwideasthebroad,broadearth。Ispreadmyarmsout,layingthemonthesward,seizingthegrass,totakethefulnessofthedays。CouldIhavemyownwayafterdeathIwouldbeburnedonapyreofpine—wood,opentotheair,andplacedonthesummitofthehills。Thenletmyashesbescatteredabroad——notcollectedurnanurn——freelysownwideandbroadcast。Thatisthenaturalintermentofman——ofmanwhoseThoughtatleasthasbeenamongtheimmortals;intermentintheelements。Burialisnotenough,itdoesnotgivesufficientsolutionintotheelementsspeedily;afurnaceisconfined。Thehighopenairofthetopmosthill,thereletthetawnyflamelickupthefragmentcalledthebody;therecasttheashesintothespaceitlongedforwhileliving。Suchaluxuryofintermentisonlyforthewealthy;IfearIshallnotbeabletoaffordit。Elsethesmokeofmyresolutionintotheelementsshouldcertainlyariseintimeonthehill—top。
Thesilkygrasssighsasthewindcomescarryingthebluebutterflymorerapidlythanhiswings。Alargehumble—beeburrsroundthegreendomeagainstwhichIrest;myhandsarescentedwiththyme。Thesweetnessoftheday,thefulnessoftheearth,thebeauteousearth,howshallIsayit?
Threethingsonlyhavebeendiscoveredofthatwhichconcernstheinnerconsciousnesssincebeforewrittenhistorybegan。Threethingsonlyintwelvethousandwritten,orsculptured,years,andinthedumb,dimtimebeforethen。ThreeideastheCavemenprimevalwrestedfromtheunknown,thenightwhichisroundusstillindaylight——theexistenceofthesoul,im—
mortality,thedeity。Thesethingsfound,prayerfollowedasasequentialresult。Sincethennothingfurtherhasbeenfoundinallthetwelvethousandyears,asifmenhadbeensatisfiedandhadfoundthesetosuffice。Theydonotsufficeme。Idesiretoadvancefurther,andtowrestafourth,andevenstillmorethanafourth,fromthedarknessofthought。Iwantmoreideasofsoul—life。Iamcertainthattherearemoreyettobefound。Agreatlife——anentirecivilisation——liesjustoutsidethepaleofcommonthought。
Citiesandcountries,inhabitants,intelligences,culture——anentirecivilisation。Exceptbyillustrationsdrawnfromfamiliarthings,thereisnowayofindicatinganewidea。Idonotmeanactualcities,actualcivilisation。
Suchlifeisdifferentfromanyyetimagined。Anexusofideasexistsofwhichnothingisknown——avastsystemofideas——acosmosofthought。ThereisanEntity,aSoul—Entity,asyetunrecognised。These,rudelyexpressed,constitutemyFourthIdea。Itisbeyond,orbeside,thethreediscoveredbytheCavemen;itisinadditiontotheexistenceofthesoul;inadditiontoimmortality;andbeyondtheideaofthedeity。Ithinkthereissomethingmorethanexistence。
Thereisanimmenseoceanoverwhichthemindcansail,uponwhichthevesselofthoughthasnotyetbeenlaunched。Ihopetolaunchit。Themindofsomanythousandyearshasworkedroundandroundinsidethecircleofthesethreeideasasaboatonaninlandlake。Letushaulitoverthebeltofland,launchontheocean,andsailoutwards。
Thereissomuchbeyondallthathaseveryetbeenimagined。
AsIwritethesewords,intheverymoment,Ifeelthatthewholeair,thesunshineoutyonderlightinguptheploughedearth,thedistantsky,thecircumambientether,andthatfarspace,isfullofsoul—secrets,soul—life,thingsoutsidetheexperienceofalltheages。ThefactofmyownexistenceasIwrite,asIexistatthissecond,issomarvellous,somiracle—like,strange,andsupernaturaltome,thatIunhesitatinglyconcludeIamalwaysonthemarginoflifeillimitable,andthattherearehigherconditionsthanexistence。Everythingaroundissupernatural;everythingsofullofunexplainedmeaning。
TwelvethousandyearssincetheCavemanstoodatthemouthofhiscavernandgazedoutatthenightandthestars。Helookedagainandsawthesunrisebeyondthesea。Hereposedinthenoontideheatundertheshadeofthetrees,heclosedhiseyesandlookedintohimself。Hewasfacetofacewiththeearth,thesun,thenight;facetofacewithhimself。Therewasnothingbetween;nowallofwrittentradition;nobuiltupsystemofculture——hisnakedmindwasconfrontedbynakedearth。Hemadethreeidea—discoveries,wrestingthemfromtheunknown;theexistenceofhissoul,immortality,thedeity。Now,to—day,asIwrite,IstandinexactlythesamepositionastheCaveman。
Writtentradition,systemsofculture,modesofthought,haveformenoexistence。Ifevertheytookanyholdofmyminditmusthavebeenveryslight;theyhavelongagobeenerased。
>Fromearthandseaandsun,fromnight,thestars,fromday,thetrees,thehills,frommyownsoul——fromtheseIthink。I
standthismomentatthemouthoftheancientcave,facetofacewithnature,facetofacewiththesupernatural,withmyself。Mynakedmindconfrontstheunknown。Iseeasclearlyasthenoondaythatthisisnotall;
Iseeotherandhigherconditionsthanexistence;Iseenotonlytheexistenceofthesoul,immortality,but,inaddition,Irealiseasoul—lifeillimitable;Irealisetheexistenceofacosmosofthought;I
realisetheexistenceofaninexpressibleentityinfinitelyhigherthandeity。IstrivetogiveutterancetoaFourthIdea。
Theveryideathatthereisanotherideaissomethinggained。
ThethreefoundbytheCavemenarebutsteppingstones:firstlinksofanendlesschain。Atthemouthoftheancientcave,facetofacewiththeunknown,theyprayed。Proneinheartto—
dayIpray,Givemethedeepestsoul—life。
CHAPTERIV
THEwindsighsthroughthegrass,sighsinthesunshine;ithasdriftedthebutterflyeastwardsalongthehill。Afewyardsawaythereliestheskullofalambontheturf,whiteandbleached,pickedcleanlongsincebycrowsandants。Likethefaintrippleofthesummerseasoundinginthehollowoftheear,sothesweetairripplesinthegrass。Theashesofthemaninterredinthetumuiusareindistinguishable;theyhavesunkawaylikerainintotheearth;sohisbodyhasdisappeared。
Iamundernodelusion;Iamfullyawarethatnodemonstrationcanbegivenofthethreestepping—stonesoftheCavemen。Thesoulisinscrutable;itisnotinevidencetoshowthatitexists;immortalityisnottangible。FullwellIknowthatreasonandknowledgeandexperiencetendtodisproveallthree;
thatexperiencedeniesanswertoprayer。Iamundernodelusionwhatever;IgraspdeathfirmlyinconceptionasIcangraspthisbleachedbone;utterextinction,annihilation。Thatthesoulisaproductatbestoforganiccomposition;thatitgoesoutlikeaflame。Thismaybetheend;mysoulmaysinklikerainintotheearthanddisappear。Windandearth,sea,andnightandday,whatthen?Letmysoulbebutaproduct,whatthen?Isayitisnothingtome;thisonlyIknow,thatwhileIhavelived——now,thismoment,whileI
live——Ithinkimmortality,IliftmymindtoaFourthIdea。IfIpassintoutteroblivion,yetIhavehadthat。
TheoriginalthreeideasoftheCavemenbecameencumberedwithsuperstition;ritualgrewup,andceremony,andlongranksofsoulswerepaintedonpapyriwaitingtobeweighedinthescales,andtobepunishedorrewarded。Thesecobwebsgrotesquehavesulliedtheoriginaldiscoveriesandcastthemintodiscredit。Erasethemaltogether,andconsideronlytheunderlyingprinciples。Theprinciplesdonotgofarenough,butIshallnotdiscardallofthemforthat。Evensupposingthepureprinciplestobeillusions,andannihilationtheend,eventhenitisbetter——itissomethinggainedtohavethoughtthem。Thoughtislife;tohavethoughtthemistohavelivedthem。
Acceptingtwoofthemastrueinprinciple,thenIsaythatthesearebutthethreshold。Fortwelvethousandyearsnoefforthasbeenmadetogetbeyondthatthreshold。Thesearebuttheprimerofsoul—life;themeresthieroglyphicschippedout,alittleshapegiventotheunknown。
Notto—morrowbutto—day。Nottheto—morrowofthetumulus,thehourofthesunshinenow。Thismomentgivemetolivesoul—life,notonlyafterdeath。
Nowiseternity,nowIaminthemidstofimmortality;nowthesupernaturalcrowdsaroundme。Openmymind,givemysoultosee,letmeliveitnowonearth,whileIheartheburringofthelargerbees,thesweetairinthegrass,andwatchtheyellowwheatwavebeneathme。Sunandearthandsea,nightandday——thesearetheleastofthings。Givemesoul—life。
Thereisnothinghumaninnature。Theearth,thoughlovedsodearly,wouldletmeperishontheground,andneitherbringforthfoodnorwater。Burningintheskythegreatsun,ofwhosecompanyIhavebeensofond,wouldmerelyburnonandmakenomotiontoassistme。Thosewhohavebeeninanopenboatatseawithoutwaterhaveprovedthemerciesofthesun,andofthedeitywhodidnotgivethemonedropofrain,dyinginmiseryunderthesameraysthatsmilesobeautifullyontheflowers。Inthesouththesunistheenemy;nightandcoolnessandrainarethefriendsofman。Asforthesea,itoffersussaltwaterwhichwecannotdrink。Thetreescarenothingforus;thehillIvisitedsooftenindaysgonebyhasnotmissedme。Thesunscorchesman,andwillinghisnakedstateroasthimalive。Theseaandthefreshwateralikemakenoefforttoupholdhimifhisvesselfounders;hecastsuphisarmsinvain,theycometotheirleveloverhishead,fillingthespothisbodyoccupied。Ifhefallsfromaclifftheairparts;theearthbeneathdasheshimtopieces。
Waterhecandrink,butitisnotproducedforhim;howmanythousandshaveperishedforwantofit?Somefruitsareproducedwhichhecaneat,buttheydonotproducethemselvesforhim;merelyforthepurposeofcontinuingtheirspecies。Inwild,tropicalcountries,atthefirstglancethereappearstobesomeconsiderationforhim,butitisonthesurfaceonly。Thelionpouncesonhim,therhinoceroscrusheshim,theserpentbites,insectstorture,diseasesrackhim。Diseaseworkeditsdrearywillevenamongtheflower—crownedPolynesians。Returningtoourowncountry,thisverythymewhichscentsmyfingersdidnotgrowforthatpurpose,butforitsown。Sodoesthewheatbeneath;weutiliseit,butitsoriginalandnativepurposewasforitself。Bynightitisthesameasbyday;thestarscarenot,theypursuetheircoursesrevolving,andwearenothingtothem。Thereisnothinghumaninthewholeroundofnature。
Allnature,alltheuniversethatwecansee,isabsolutelyindifferenttous,andexcepttoushumanlifeisofnomorevaluethangrass。Iftheentirehumanraceperishedatthishour,whatdifferencewoulditmaketotheearth?Whatwouldtheearthcare?Asmuchasfortheextinctdodo,orforthefateoftheelephantnowgoing。
Onthecontrary,agreatpart,perhapsthewhole,ofnatureandoftheuniverseisdistinctlyanti—human。Theterminhumandoesnotexpressmymeaning,anti—humanisbetter;outre—human,inthesenseofbeyond,outside,almostgrotesqueinitsattitudetowards,wouldnearlyconveyit。Everythingisanti—human。Howextraordinary,strange,andincomprehensiblearethecreaturescapturedoutofthedepthsofthesea!Thedistortedfishes;theghastlycuttles;thehideouseel—likeshapes;thecrawlingshell—encrustedthings;
thecentipede—likebeings;monstrousforms,toseewhichgivesashocktothebrain。Theyshockthemindbecausetheyexhibitanabsenceofdesign。Thereisnoideainthem。
Theyhavenoshape,form,grace,orpurpose;theycallupavaguesenseofchaos,chaoswhichthemindrevoltsfrom。Itwouldbearelieftothethoughtiftheyceasedtobe,andutterlydisappearedfromthesea。Theyarenotinimicalofintenttowardsman,noteventheshark;buttherethesharkis,andthatisenough。Thesemiserablyhideousthingsoftheseaarenotanti—humaninthesenseofpersecution,theyareoutside,theyareultraandbeyond。Itislikelookingintochaos,anditisvividbecausethesecreatures,interredaliveahundredfathomsdeep,areseldomseen;sothatthemindseesthemasifonlythatmomenttheyhadcomeintoexistence。Usehasnothabituatedittothem,sothattheiranti—humancharacterisatonceapparent,andstaresatuswithglassyeye。
Butitisthesameinrealitywiththecreaturesontheearth。
Therearesomeoftheseevennowtowhichusehasnotaccus—
tomedthemind。Such,forinstance,asthetoad。Atitsshapelessshapeappearinginanunexpectedcornermanypeoplestartandexclaim。Theyareawarethattheyshallreceivenoinjuryfromit,yetitaffrightsthem,itsendsashocktothemind。Thereasonliesinitsobviouslyanti—humancharacter。
Allthedesignless,formlesschaosofchance—directedmatter,withoutideaorhumanplan,squatsthereembodiedinthepathway。Bywatchingthecreature,andconvincingthemindfromobservationthatitisharmless,andevenhasuses,thehorrorwearsaway。Butstillremainstheformtowhichthemindcanneverreconcileitself。Carvedinwooditisstillrepellent。
Orsuddenlythereisarustlelikeafainthissinthegrass,andagreensnakeglidesoverthebank。Thebreathinthechestseemstoloseitsvitality;foraninstantthenervesrefusetotransmittheforceoflife。Theglidingyellow—streakedwormissoutterlyopposedtotheeverpresentIdeainthemind。Custommayreducethehorror,butnolongponderingcaneverbringthatcreaturewithinthepaleofthehumanIdea。Thesearesodistinctlyoppositeandanti—humanthatthousandsofyearshavenotsufficedtosoftentheiroutline。Variousinsectsandcreepingcreaturesexcitethesamesenseinlesserdegrees。
Animalsandbirdsingeneraldonot。Thetigerisdreaded,butcausesnodisgust。Theexceptionisinthosethatfeedonoffal。Horsesanddogswelove;wenotonlydonotrecogniseanythingoppositeinthem,wecometolovethem。
Theyareusefultous,theyshowmoreorlesssympathywithus,theypossess,especiallythehorse,acertaingraceofmovement。
Agloss,asitwere,isthrownoverthembytheseattributesandbyfamiliarity。Theshapeofthehorsetotheeyehasbecomeconventional:itisaccepted。Yetthehorseisnotinanysensehuman。Couldwelookatitsuddenly,withoutpreviousacquaintance,asatstrangefishesinatank,theultra—humancharacterofthehorsewouldbeapparent。Itisthecurvesoftheneckandbodythatcarrythehorsepastwithoutadversecomment。Examinethehindlegsindetail,andthecuriousbackwardmotion,theshapeandanti—humancurvesbecomeapparent。
Dogstakeusbytheirintelligence,buttheyhavenohand;passthehandoverthedog’shead,andtheshapeoftheskulltothesenseoffeelingisalmostasrepellentastheformofthetoadtothesenseofsight。Wehavegraduallygatheredaroundusallthecreaturesthatarelessmarkedlyanti—human,horsesanddogsandbirds,buttheyarestillthemselves。Theyoriginallyexistedlikethewheat,forthemselves;weutilisethem,buttheyarenotofus。